Pooohh Chinnngg

OMG, I want to die right now, the pain is unbearable >.> You know Muay Thai right? Kick me in the nuts, I doubt that’d hurt as much compared to my current pain. Shoot me, you can keep my gun afterward >_< Gahhhh… hope you come online tomorrow, I need someone to talk to 😦 – someone who understands what I’m going through. Do I even have any dignity left as a person, as a man? Do I even stand on my own two-feet anymore or do I bow down like a stupid little boy? Period pains are for wusses compared to emotional agony, fuck period pains. cry

I’ll show you emo that it puts YOUR emo to shame! Maybe I should start with those black eyeshadow and clothing… oh har-har.

Aiiizzz…. Life…. I’m telling you it feels like 求生不得, 求死不能…

Good thing I decided to take tomorrow off from work – I’m really not in the mood.. at least I get to eat buffet and shove food down my throat to make the misery go away. I still have 6 days off, mind as well do something with them. A nuclear disaster that killed me right now would probably be more satisfying.

I feel like a worthless piece of shit who can’t even keep a girl happy. Do I, even deserve to be human? I am a terrible person. For the past year, I’ve taken a lot of time, spent a lot of money maintaining my hair for the sake of a girl… it isn’t like I’m going bald or anything, but certainly, I didn’t have as much hair as before. The girl told me it was important for her that I have hair, so I commit myself to the daily tortures of how I have to deal with it – all for the sake of her. If anything, the stress she puts me through sometimes is the factor of me probably losing my hair. Oh how life treats me so fairly…. the same person who wants me to be whole is the one ripping me to shreds, HAHAHA.. the irony of it all. Well at least as I’m typing this, my friend who I talked about before is online, so yay, at least she will make me smile before I go to sleep!

Night people… sorry, no “good” in front of it today.

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on March 3, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Hey spill it spill it!!!

  2. No la dun be so negative, even if she tells you no or doesn’t show interest, there is more to what she feels, she just wants to hide it. I know it must hurt a lot and very unfair for her to treat you like this, but you have to REACH for your dreams! If you give up, who is she going to look to when she does need you?

  3. OMG, P.C… for the first time since my Dad passed away, I actually cried >.> You have no idea how depressed she makes me, gah! I feel so frustrated and angry… yet I’m angry at all the wrong people/things/situations…. and feel helpless, yet I feel so steamed towards things. I kinda get mad at the things she does, yet I can’t help but divert that anger to other places because I feel like I CAN’T be mad at her, yet the anger has to go somewhere lol. She’s too adorable for me to be mad at her, even though she SHOULD be the one I’m mad at, lol… what the hell is with logic when you’re head-over-heels over some one? haha. Sorry I wasn’t on today even though I asked you to be >.< I will be on tomorrow though!

    I had to take a day off today, I felt so down – just so I could shove food in my face (sushi, your fav :P). It's nuts how much one person could affect my life so much, I should see a psychiatrist or something. Maybe I should have one of those Chinese love-spells cast on her or something >_.> I wish I had the quote from one of the buddhist mantra's I read before with a saying something like "There is heaven in heaven and there is hell in hell"… denoting that our immediate experience in a moment in life is what makes us feel like we're in heaven and when bad things occur or we engage in bad things, that is hell. It was an extremely deep quote that I had to read several times to understand.

    When I got home, I just HAD to do boxing, to get rid of the anger within me. I need somewhere to vent and best done on that than elsewhere. I was told this year would actually be a good year for my relationships, BUT, I had to keep calm and not let my temper flare up because that would ruin my “luck”. She makes me so flarking angry sometimes to the point where I feel tears, it makes no sense! It is like I’m angry AND sad at the same time. After sweating out my anger, I took a shower but still ended up going to the shooting range. I needed to be destructive, LOL. You don’t want to know what I’ve been thinking about on the opposite side of my barrel, haha.. well, like I said, “safe and controlled way to express anger”… I think I’m going nuts haha… the fact I would actually cry FOR HER is beyond me… bleh.

    Am’s – I know what you mean about staying positive, I’m really trying. I just don’t understand why she has to repel me like a magnet. I get angry and feel hurt whenever she “finds” time for her friends, but not me. I have conflicting feelings when it comes to that. I HATE HATE HATE the discomfort she shows around me. I mean, if she were to feel uncomfortable, she would’ve felt that discomfort from the start, not just all of a sudden… ARG. I wish the only person she had to rely on was me, it sounds greedy, but if she has time for others, I wish she’d dedicate some for me >.< It's fucked how things changed from us being so open and so ecstatic over finding each other to her barely being able to carry-on a chat. I know I'm partially to blame that I say a lot of "relationship" stuff – but I don't think there should be a huge problem the fact I want to view us as having a positive end-result, not always thinking that "we're not going to work out" – FLARK. It would be contradictory if we kept on thinking “it’s not going to work out” rather than “we’re strong and we’ll overcome this!” … her negativity is part of the problem with me “reaching” to her and that every time she wants to be HERSELF, she can’t… she hides her true self away from me so I don’t get any “wrong feelings” as if that’s going to stop me.. just wish she’d be herself around me instead, because she can be different or fake all she wants, but I know the “real her”… >.<

    Amy…. ! I found it… but a portion of it, but wow, it opens ones eyes..:

    Heaven and Hell are realms created out of selfish desire. It is only our own happiness or pain we care about.

    However, we cannot reach Bodhisvatta without having experience Heaven and Hell first.

    You cannot care for another’s pain unless you felt pain first.

    You cannot want another person to be happy, unless you experienced happiness already.

    Heaven and Hell are not imaginary worlds in outer space….they are right here on Earth, and we have infinite access to them.

    I care for her, because I have felt pain before. I have experienced happiness, therefore I want her to experience happiness. I wonder is it because she has not experienced the pain, that she cannot feel what I feel…. if only there was a way for her to understand without me having to give her off to another guy -_-“

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