TO: My Sweet Little 表妹

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Tonight, I heard this new song by Hedly called Perfect. In this one line where they keep repeating: “I’m not perfect, but I keep trying, cuz that’s what I said I would do from the start…,” it gave me the chills.

I miss my parents, I have no idea what I’ve been doing lately.  I’m anxiously waiting for my results from MBiotech and ever since my interview I’ve been praying for this spot.  I feel so helpless… 2 years of preparation and I blew one of the parts of the interview, how can I afford to slip like that. I really hope they can see past it. Preparing for this made me want this even more that I can’t imagine doing anything else.  Waiting to graduate, waiting for results, waiting for the next step for me…. I need the extra bit of motivation to push me through the finish line.

I feel like I’m not doing the right things, I feel like I’m making bad decisions again.  How can I stop feeling this way?
I don’t have any summer plans.. I can’t even ask my supervisor about research in the summer because what if I get in? But if I don’t and I don’t let her know that I want to work as a summer student again, I will loose the chance.. I’m really lost… I don’t have any backups…. when this program is what you wanna do, how can you write another personal letter for another program? So I’ve been holding back on writing other apps. Why am I pushing myself into this hole… I know I should be doing better right now. I just can’t find the motivation to make a strong finish. I wish someone could tell me what to do…. what happens when I don’t get into the program, what’s my next step?

I’m not a perfect student, I’m not a perfect person, but I strive for perfection. What happens when perfection just doesn’t fall through in the end? It’s up to the admissions committee to decide who they want to accept, argh 32 spots… I want it so bad. I’ve been dreaming of that one day, when I can work in GSK… or Genentech and family will seem complete again.

Tonight was my chemistry exam, I knew it was going to be hard. I gave up alot of things to prepare for this exam and I feel disappointed in myself. I knew everything but during the test, I don’t know why, the things I memorized just couldn’t come out. I guess I wasn’t as prepared as I thought and maybe I just crammed way too many reagents in my head.

Whenever people say, maybe some things are just meant to be.. I don’t know if I believe in that. I’m not sure if there is a thing called fate or destiny.  I now believe that it is up in our hands to create our own destiny.  A person who believes in fate, who just sits there and wait… it all seems too idealistic.  All the way through I had to figure alot of things out on my own… I just think if I just let things take its course, I wouldn’t be standing close to where I am now. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel that there’s also up to a certain point where it’s also up to fate, like right now with my admission decision. So, is all the work up to now really even worth it when in the end, when it’s still out of your hands? Just something to think about for people who read this and were in a similar situation.

I’m feeling like a failure right now. Unlike others, this isn’t an option for me because of the circumstances I’m in. I wish I could explain but it’s just way too complicated.

I wish I could drive…. I was thinking if I got a license here, just to get out of city for a bit…. go somewhere far away from the lights and the people. Nobody seems to understand what it does for me.  Like being somewhere close to the lake or the waters, is what I need to regain my energy, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just what I used to do and it works.  Yesterday night, I was laying in bed thinking about the days I used to go to driving range…. an activity that can get my mind off of school for a while. Or playing the piano. I used to do that…All the things that I used to do to relax me seem so far away and out of reach.

RE: The above entry

Ah, how I love watching little kids grow up… 🙂 You’re such a big girl now! Nevertheless, one always wants to strive for their best and to reach for their achievements, but perfection is not we should seek. We definitely should seek satisfaction but not through the believe we are perfect individuals with an absolute and irrefutable goal. To seek perfection in anything you do is like trying to grab at sand really hard – it is futile.

To feel homesick or simply missing family and friends who you have grown up with is not an unusual feeling. During times of our greatest need is when we feel most vulnerable and know that we can only rely on our family as back-up. No matter how great friends are and the joys of happiness they may bring, family is the only true source of unparalleled love and unconditional support. The interviewers do not expect perfection, they expect a human being, they expect a person capable of learning, they expect a person who’s mistakes are reflected and learned upon – they are not looking for someone who is perfect. We are all human and unless they are that of a holy spirit who are perfect themselves, they can bring no such expectations upon others. The motivation you bring, is stronger than mistakes and that willpower can be served elsewhere, regardless of whether you make it into a specific company or not. Where there is a will, there is a way – and that way might be or might not be where you think life may take you. Motivation cannot be generated by others, it is something that comes from within you. I could tell you all day to believe in yourself, but alas, if you do not believe in it yourself, no amount of confidence from others can help push you through.

A decision is a decision, with the ideal of “right” or “wrong” emplaced by our own standards. If you believe the decisions you have made are wrong – then they are wrong. If you believe decisions you have made are right, no one else can convince you they are wrong. Trusting our own judgments, believe in ourselves and knowing that no one decision leads to a final end will help you come to terms with decisions you make. For every step you take forward, you can take one step back – even if step-back is not in the exact same position you once stood. When things are conditional upon others, there is nothing we can do. In this world, there is only one-true thing we can control, and that is ourselves. To question things beyond our control is like questioning the meaning of life. Things will fall into or out-of-place whether we like it or not, so we should just let life run its course. On that note, to worry about whether you will or will not make it in and whether it would be necessary to reapply to the research program is unnecessary. I believe it is best to simply leave your options open and be honest with people. If you let them know of the situation, they’re more likely to sympathize and act out of humanly towards a situation. It is always best to be honest, than to leave someone blind. Rather than being definitive, simply inform people of the plans and possibilities, that way, they are more open to changes that may occur in the future.

There are many things we want in life, as humans, we crave for more and that craving is what allows society to progress. There is great strength you have for wanting to work at a place you feel comfortable and where you feel you are accomplishing the most. However, when we set goals like that,we never take time to look past at other opportunities that may be right in our faces or perhaps, worthy of consideration. You never know where life takes you, it may lead to where you want to go or it may lead you to where you never thought was once possible. Rather than expecting, simply believe, or better yet – being neither pessimistic nor optimistic but rather, a job is never the start, nor end of a career as many things will change as time progresses. What you may be doing today may not be what you’re doing tomorrow – for better, or for worse.

There is no “trick” to doing well on exams, and the only thing that a person can really do to prepare is with a semester-wide commitment to regular studying habits. Last minute studies rarely work out, things absorb so much better when done over time. Also, your mind works clearly when your body is in optimal condition and all that starts with one thing, a good night’s rest. The more you stick in your head the night before, the more likely you will confuse your brain with other things that have been long-term embedded and learned. All of a sudden, all that information you did know has now been mixed in with information which you have only recently processed. I think the word “cramming” already has implications on itself – the act of  “cramming” already has a negative connotation.

Fate and destiny are very hard subjects to approach. However, something that is undeniable is that there are things that we as an individual, simply cannot change. Whether you consider this an act of fate or destiny is up to you. While it is quite true that sitting around “waiting” for fate or destiny to act upon itself is idealistic, there truly happen just by, “being in the right place at the right time.” There are times when hard work and effort are fruitless and where negativity and lack of effort yields amazing results. Our destiny and fate are often not controlled by us, but really, in the hands of all the environment and people around us. What we cannot see and touch – it is best to be blind to, we are an observer at all things in life.

Take advantage of the fact you life in an accessible region, where renting/buying a vehicle is easy. Pick up your license, you will need it! If not, find a way of taking transportation to get you where you want to go. There is salvation in humanity and “heaven” is only a step away when we allow ourselves to relax and enjoy our surroundings. Hell is the place we suffer and feel tormented by the stresses of life and worries beyond our control. Whatever you can do to make yourself feel better, do it. Put away responsibilities and obligations for the day, they can wait. You on the other hand, always place your own priorities first. If you are not feeling happy, nothing you do will seem right. When you are feeling happy, nothing you do can feel wrong. You are surrounded by little towns to big cities, I’m sure there are plenty of places that will offer you what you need to release all that tension within you. We are like an elastic band, stretch it too much and there is only one consequence that you will be the one who ends up suffering. With good maintenance and knowing when the expand and contract, the elastic band will serve you a lifetime of usefulness.

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on March 19, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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