Small Awakenings

This is going to be a rather long and random post about happenings and thoughts over the past while. If you’re looking for period-content, it’s quite possible you won’t find much of it here! However, for those who want to read on, please do 🙂 I don’t have a layout or a time-line for this, so enjoy reading it without any clue as to when/where it happened, my thoughts are like usual, all over the place 😆

This morning, I felt this awakening of myself, both internally and physically. I woke up, around 5:30AM to hear the heavy rain splatter on my window. Usually I try to sleep it off, but the previous night, I was savouring the beautiful cold breeze that I had left the window open. I was worried that if the rain came on an angle or came hard enough, that the water would come through the window. I groggily put my hand up against the window and curtains to see if there were any signs of wetness, luckily, there was not. As I laid in bed listening to the splatter of the water and the birds chirping, I felt as if my spirits had been lifted. Although slightly annoyed that I was awaken at such hours and unable to fall asleep because of the birds and water splashes, I decided to just sit up and a bit and enjoy the moment. I sat by my window looking out, still pitch dark with only glimmers of light that would occasionally shine through as cars on the other side of the street (through the neighbours yard) would come through. Staring blankly out the window, my mind fell into almost a semi-conscious state and while aware of my surroundings and being awake, my mind drifted onto thoughts of their own. It is no wonder so many people practice meditation, to allow subconscious thoughts to come out, while maintaining self-control. I mused at how amazing my current lifestyle is and although I have relationship faults, I cannot say life is not fulfilling right now – and certainly, I do have what I need even if I don’t have everything I want.

Oddly enough, I started thinking about some family that I truly miss, uncles, grandfathers/grandmothers and my father of those who have left this physical world. However, there were not feelings of unhappiness or sadness but more, of yearning their presence. Whether you believe in religion or not, the feeling of having the metaphysical presence of loved-ones near you can be very strong and touching. Sometimes no matter what words people say to you cannot boost your motivation or provide comfort, a thought about someone you truly care about, whether living or deceased gives you great strength and power. Every time I encounter problems where no one seems to be able to help, I think to myself, how my dad would confront something like. I think of principles, life principles that my uncles have once said to me. I remember wisdom that my grandparents out of life experiences have imparted upon me and through all that knowledge, I am able to overcome fears, obstacles and clear my mind of negative energy.

In my empty-state-of-mind, I also recognized my fear of feeling emotionally empty. I fear that being crushed so many times in relationships, that often, I no longer feeling secure and believe in “any good” in relationships anymore. For many years after the break-up of my ex-ex girlfriend, I could not date another girl. I forced myself to only to find that it is foolish to be in a relationship for the sake of having one, versus needing one. I wanted to stand up and try again, but it failed because it lacked commitment from both sides. We were together, because she wanted a companion and I wanted someone to help get me out of the relationship-rut. For those of you who do know me personally, will know I was extremely committed to my ex-ex and even as of today, she still holds a very special spot in my heart. Although we still get into arguments, she still yells at me for being evil 👿 and all, our connection with each other has been unparalleled… that is, not until the recent 10 months finding myself head-over-heels over another girl, in essence, the girl of my dreams, love and affection. While I cannot say she’s currently returning the same feelings, it has been a long time since I can feel myself growing fonder and committed to her. For those who have felt this feeling before, you will know well that out of 6.7 billion people in this world, that it is not easy to find someone who you feel that connection to and truly, it is a blessing in itself just as life itself. Sitting there staring blindly out the window, I felt that power of loyalty, binding and compassion, the yearning to hold hands, fall asleep in each others arm and to share the other glorious parts of our lives with each other together and as one entity.

Going back to last week, I had a day off and visited a dearly departed friend of the family out-of-town. One of my co-workers called me because she wanted to see if she could get to an item I had locked in a drawer. Since I had promised her the day before (forgetting about my booked vacation day) to get it to her, it was on-the-way of where I needed to go, so I dropped into work for a few minutes to get it out of storage. Since I moved into my new position and building, my mom has not been in my new office so she sat in there while for about 5 minutes. Obviously she was checking out the layout and most notably was the fact she noticed how I rearranged my pictures. I think she got really jealous because she noticed I moved my family picture to the centre while moving my BeBe’s picture into the frame right next to me. I LOL’ed when she commented on that, although I thought putting my family pic right in front of me was even “more prestigious” but I think she felt jealous now that my entire picture frame has been replaced by ONE girl, haha. Mom’s are like that though, I remember with my ex’s parents, I used to do so much for them and my mom was like, “Hey, how come you don’t do these things at home?” and I told them that it was important for me to impress her parents. On the same note, I told her that, “Impressing my own mom doesn’t really change anything, either way, you are my mom and I am your son.“- hahaha. Oh, yes yes, being a son is so bad like that. I remember one time she was mumbling to my dad that she thought I treated ex’s mom better than I treated (my) mom – hurg, rivalry between moms, LOL! It’s true that I did strive to be “the perfect man” in front of her mom of course, because it really DOES help. Having a girl’s parents who like you does give a degree of power – not that it guarantees the success of a relationship though, it just “helps”. Last night, my mom asked me “who the girl in the picture was” and I just casually ignored her question, lol. I would proudly say it is my girlfriend, but unfortunately, I can’t say that yet >.> Fuck my life 😦 But it’s funny that this is the first time she’s noticed, only because I have her pictures everywhere else… guess she’s not very attentive 😀

For Easter weekend, I was EXTREMELY lazy, you cannot even imagine. I took some pictures for dinner and also when we went to Niagara Falls on Sunday, but I have yet to post them up… anywhere, not on Facebook, not on my personal blog and not on here – and yes, things have been that lazy! On top of that, it was a weekend of major unhealthiness, lots of eating and even worse was lots of eating out and you know how eating out usually doesn’t provide the healthiest-of-meals. I should also mention that this week has also been very expensive as a result of eating out so often. My mom did say that this weekend we used a lot of money and I commented how, “Oh my god, so much money, now I have to work more/harder!” but she said, “But this is how you enjoy life.” and certainly she has changed a lot from being cheap-ass to really using money more freely as long as it is not out-of-bounds. I am slowly trying to change myself as well and thus, we go on extravagant vacations more often than we used to. My BeBe complained something about me and I’m not sure whether it was joking, serious or perhaps a bit of both at how cheap I am and how I would make her feel guilty if she spent money, lol. The difference is, I’m the type to find happiness out of spending money on others, but not on myself. I am weird that way, I completely follow after my dad. Nevertheless, yesterday, I went to the bank to get some currency exchange from CAD -> HKD for my planned trip at the end of this year! The plans is to visit Taiwan this time around, but certainly, I do want to get a change to visit Thailand and Malaysia in the coming trips following years!

Previously for my Birthday, I received some great gifts and the comments on the card were great. Every year, I get some really funny and deep comments in my card, but I think especially this year, they put extra thought into it. It is a champagne year as they call it, turning 25 on the 25th… and as exciting as that sound, all it means it that I’m getting older, LOL! Yep, only happens once a lifetime so if the Gods or Heavens want to give me a really nice present this year, all I yearn for is to return my love from my BeBe… all I ask for! I think that is really what’s on my mind a lot, her, us.. together… it is a wonderful thought and a beautiful life we could have before us. It’s kind of freaky, because as I’m typing this, I looked out the window and amidst the gloominess all day, I’m starting to see this crack of light and the clouds parting to show a beautiful ray of sunshine. Surely, the weather is a representation of light and no matter how dark things are there will be at some point, light. Although I am not getting younger by the day, I truly believe I can move her one day to feel what I feel. As I was walking around the other day, I saw an elderly couple… walking hand in hand as if they were 20, smiling and as if there were no life worries. I fear life, because I fear death – but if I were able to spend my life with her, I will fear nothing – that is the power she gives me.

This weekend, we did our Ching Ming festivities. For those who are not familiar with it, it is generally a day where Chinese-descendants celebrate the life of their ancestors and often, to visit graves to do maintenance and cleaning. There are food and incense galore, each community and culture with different traditions, celebrations and practices. Same as previous years, I always wish upon family and friends the same thing, that our ancestors will provide us with a stable life, good health and to be worry-free. Unlike previous years, this year, I asked for one thing… or more importantly, one person who I hope will make myself complete. Last year, I asked for a person, any person, this year, I gave a name and one name only. I am happy that fortunes are bestowed upon us and whether by coincidence or forces unknown, sometimes what we pray for in our heart, minds and soul is what makes us feel good. You could say, it is like a placebo… you don’t really know whether that pill you’re taking is real, but you feel better already and that’s all that matters!

I will endeavour to post some pictures up of the falls when I get a chance. I have been playing a lot of Bright Shadow and unfortunately, that has been sucking up my time. Business has jumped a bit for the last 2 months, so I’m happy that I’m pulling in some extra income, although I wish things would go back to or even better than 2008. Like I always say, once I start writing, I always forget about things I want to write about. I’m sure I’ll think of more which I will append to this post, but that’s it for now! 😀

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on April 6, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. YOu are putting more and more personal post in this blog huh….. ^^

    • 29 Periodtastic posts and 27 personal.. lol, seems not a bad balance. This blog was an “everything” blog, I didn’t say it was ONLY for menstruation 😛 I think it’d be really scary if all that was on my mind were periods, lol. I like to cater to all my readers, those who are looking for someone ‘real’ and one who enjoys learning about menstruation and products. I think you become closer to your readers as an author, when you appeal to them through a personal-connection and as someone who is providing information on a topic!

  2. Hi – Just came upon your blog and your great insightful post. For those wanting more information regarding menstruation as the great natural/dance cycle of our life I have a blog filled with thousands of articles – http://holyhormones.com. I also have a radio show the first and third Monday day night of the month titled “Holy Hormones Honey – The Greatest Story Never Told” on http://www.krfcfm.org from 6 to 7 pm MST. Glad to see that you have the Society for Menstrual Cycle Research and the Museum of Menstruation listed. I am a member of both organizations.

    • Wow, I feel so honoured to have a radio guest-speaker dropping by here!! 😀 I will be adding your site-link to my side bar! I wonder if I will be able to receive that frequency here in Canada or if they have any streamed broadcast… I will have to look around.

      What has been so great for me about Museum of Menstruation is that it that the founder is male and to me, acts as an inspiration to stand up against the masses who think that men being involved in menstruation is “wrong” or “weird”. Society still has a long way to go to remove gender-based assumptions and while truly I will never experience menstruation, it does not mean I am not entitled to write/opinionated on it!

      Menstruation is such a beautiful process with lots to learn about including female body functions, menstrual protection, irregularities, symptoms, PMS, pregnancy, the list could go on! Even without menstruation, the female body is a work of wonder and there’s so much to learn about it, especially for a straight-male who loves the female body of all its wonders 😆

      Thanks for dropping by and I’ll be sure to drop in on your site to look for updates! Please feel free to return at your leisure in case you have some viewpoints to share 🙂

  3. OMG, so teem-mut-mut… awwwwwwwwww…. reading this even makes ME blush (even though it’s not about me… kekekke). Rain is so romantic, isn’t it? The smell of morning air and cold breeze drifting makes you want to relive the moment.

    Haha, yesh la… u r turning more and more like yur Dad… has always been yur dream hasn’t it? Be the good person that he was, be a great husband, father, uncle, friend, etc. All it takes is a bit of self-confidence, because you have the power to be like him. Evry1 has evil thoughts and evry1 has done “bad things” before, so it is not the end-of-the-world.

    U are older, and just more mature… you can be the man that your bebe wants, someone who is financially stable… has wisdom… has mature-thoughts about the future…. has a good career… is a good person… and everything a woman could possibly want from you. She is young and what she thinks she may want now will be diff in a year from now when she goes to see the real world. Be there for her, show her u care and touch her heart 🙂

    We had a create CM-festival.. I will send you some pics 😛 Where’d u go and who’d u see anyways?

    • Haha… target is not to make YOU blush though, to make HER blush 😛 Yesh, rain is very romantic, especially when I think of her leaning on my shoulders or me holding the umbrella while sheltering her head from the rain. LOL – do I watch too much TVB? Nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy… maybe dream come true one day? hehe. OMG, I love that smell of morning air, that is why summer is the best time for it, I can keep my window open all the time. Not only that, but that breathe of fresh air in the morning brings back many memories in HK… because whenever I go to HK, I wake up really early so I can savour every single day.

      Ya, I do want to be like him, although I think he was ‘too nice’ – I also complained about how I thought people were taking advantage of him and stuff, haha. I’m nice to people and all, but I do make a stand on things I feel strongly about and I don’t let people take advantage of me (although in his mind, people weren’t taking advantage of him… haiiizz). Also, unlike him, I’m the wrong person to piss off, haha. Be on my good side and you have a friend-for-life, but on the wrong side and… oh dear 😀 I think one time G and I were hanging out and we were just talking about how long we’ve known each other and he described me with, “Never cross [my name], because he is vengeful.” 😆

      Ya, hopefully she can start admiring those qualities. One of the girls who dropped by my blog has a very interesting viewpoint of mature-relationships and I think she’s my age, so she has a very good perception of what an older woman wants from a guy, much different than what the younger girls may feel they want. Her and I have really good chats on her blog, it’s kinda cool ^___^ I lurv meeting people I can connect with through this blog!

      I went to Dad’s for CM… we didn’t buy a lot, but we brought some flowers and some of Dad’s favourite foods. We didn’t go to the temple since we did that a few weeks ago and then we met up with auntie/uncle for lunch & din! I wanna see those pics 🙂

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