This is going to be a rather long and random post about happenings and thoughts over the past while. If you’re looking for period-content, it’s quite possible you won’t find much of it here! However, for those who want to read on, please do 🙂 I don’t have a layout or a time-line for this, so enjoy reading it without any clue as to when/where it happened, my thoughts are like usual, all over the place 😆
This morning, I felt this awakening of myself, both internally and physically. I woke up, around 5:30AM to hear the heavy rain splatter on my window. Usually I try to sleep it off, but the previous night, I was savouring the beautiful cold breeze that I had left the window open. I was worried that if the rain came on an angle or came hard enough, that the water would come through the window. I groggily put my hand up against the window and curtains to see if there were any signs of wetness, luckily, there was not. As I laid in bed listening to the splatter of the water and the birds chirping, I felt as if my spirits had been lifted. Although slightly annoyed that I was awaken at such hours and unable to fall asleep because of the birds and water splashes, I decided to just sit up and a bit and enjoy the moment. I sat by my window looking out, still pitch dark with only glimmers of light that would occasionally shine through as cars on the other side of the street (through the neighbours yard) would come through. Staring blankly out the window, my mind fell into almost a semi-conscious state and while aware of my surroundings and being awake, my mind drifted onto thoughts of their own. It is no wonder so many people practice meditation, to allow subconscious thoughts to come out, while maintaining self-control. I mused at how amazing my current lifestyle is and although I have relationship faults, I cannot say life is not fulfilling right now – and certainly, I do have what I need even if I don’t have everything I want.
Oddly enough, I started thinking about some family that I truly miss, uncles, grandfathers/grandmothers and my father of those who have left this physical world. However, there were not feelings of unhappiness or sadness but more, of yearning their presence. Whether you believe in religion or not, the feeling of having the metaphysical presence of loved-ones near you can be very strong and touching. Sometimes no matter what words people say to you cannot boost your motivation or provide comfort, a thought about someone you truly care about, whether living or deceased gives you great strength and power. Every time I encounter problems where no one seems to be able to help, I think to myself, how my dad would confront something like. I think of principles, life principles that my uncles have once said to me. I remember wisdom that my grandparents out of life experiences have imparted upon me and through all that knowledge, I am able to overcome fears, obstacles and clear my mind of negative energy.
In my empty-state-of-mind, I also recognized my fear of feeling emotionally empty. I fear that being crushed so many times in relationships, that often, I no longer feeling secure and believe in “any good” in relationships anymore. For many years after the break-up of my ex-ex girlfriend, I could not date another girl. I forced myself to only to find that it is foolish to be in a relationship for the sake of having one, versus needing one. I wanted to stand up and try again, but it failed because it lacked commitment from both sides. We were together, because she wanted a companion and I wanted someone to help get me out of the relationship-rut. For those of you who do know me personally, will know I was extremely committed to my ex-ex and even as of today, she still holds a very special spot in my heart. Although we still get into arguments, she still yells at me for being evil 👿 and all, our connection with each other has been unparalleled… that is, not until the recent 10 months finding myself head-over-heels over another girl, in essence, the girl of my dreams, love and affection. While I cannot say she’s currently returning the same feelings, it has been a long time since I can feel myself growing fonder and committed to her. For those who have felt this feeling before, you will know well that out of 6.7 billion people in this world, that it is not easy to find someone who you feel that connection to and truly, it is a blessing in itself just as life itself. Sitting there staring blindly out the window, I felt that power of loyalty, binding and compassion, the yearning to hold hands, fall asleep in each others arm and to share the other glorious parts of our lives with each other together and as one entity.
Going back to last week, I had a day off and visited a dearly departed friend of the family out-of-town. One of my co-workers called me because she wanted to see if she could get to an item I had locked in a drawer. Since I had promised her the day before (forgetting about my booked vacation day) to get it to her, it was on-the-way of where I needed to go, so I dropped into work for a few minutes to get it out of storage. Since I moved into my new position and building, my mom has not been in my new office so she sat in there while for about 5 minutes. Obviously she was checking out the layout and most notably was the fact she noticed how I rearranged my pictures. I think she got really jealous because she noticed I moved my family picture to the centre while moving my BeBe’s picture into the frame right next to me. I LOL’ed when she commented on that, although I thought putting my family pic right in front of me was even “more prestigious” but I think she felt jealous now that my entire picture frame has been replaced by ONE girl, haha. Mom’s are like that though, I remember with my ex’s parents, I used to do so much for them and my mom was like, “Hey, how come you don’t do these things at home?” and I told them that it was important for me to impress her parents. On the same note, I told her that, “Impressing my own mom doesn’t really change anything, either way, you are my mom and I am your son.“- hahaha. Oh, yes yes, being a son is so bad like that. I remember one time she was mumbling to my dad that she thought I treated ex’s mom better than I treated (my) mom – hurg, rivalry between moms, LOL! It’s true that I did strive to be “the perfect man” in front of her mom of course, because it really DOES help. Having a girl’s parents who like you does give a degree of power – not that it guarantees the success of a relationship though, it just “helps”. Last night, my mom asked me “who the girl in the picture was” and I just casually ignored her question, lol. I would proudly say it is my girlfriend, but unfortunately, I can’t say that yet >.> Fuck my life 😦 But it’s funny that this is the first time she’s noticed, only because I have her pictures everywhere else… guess she’s not very attentive 😀
For Easter weekend, I was EXTREMELY lazy, you cannot even imagine. I took some pictures for dinner and also when we went to Niagara Falls on Sunday, but I have yet to post them up… anywhere, not on Facebook, not on my personal blog and not on here – and yes, things have been that lazy! On top of that, it was a weekend of major unhealthiness, lots of eating and even worse was lots of eating out and you know how eating out usually doesn’t provide the healthiest-of-meals. I should also mention that this week has also been very expensive as a result of eating out so often. My mom did say that this weekend we used a lot of money and I commented how, “Oh my god, so much money, now I have to work more/harder!” but she said, “But this is how you enjoy life.” and certainly she has changed a lot from being cheap-ass to really using money more freely as long as it is not out-of-bounds. I am slowly trying to change myself as well and thus, we go on extravagant vacations more often than we used to. My BeBe complained something about me and I’m not sure whether it was joking, serious or perhaps a bit of both at how cheap I am and how I would make her feel guilty if she spent money, lol. The difference is, I’m the type to find happiness out of spending money on others, but not on myself. I am weird that way, I completely follow after my dad. Nevertheless, yesterday, I went to the bank to get some currency exchange from CAD -> HKD for my planned trip at the end of this year! The plans is to visit Taiwan this time around, but certainly, I do want to get a change to visit Thailand and Malaysia in the coming trips following years!
Previously for my Birthday, I received some great gifts and the comments on the card were great. Every year, I get some really funny and deep comments in my card, but I think especially this year, they put extra thought into it. It is a champagne year as they call it, turning 25 on the 25th… and as exciting as that sound, all it means it that I’m getting older, LOL! Yep, only happens once a lifetime so if the Gods or Heavens want to give me a really nice present this year, all I yearn for is to return my love from my BeBe… all I ask for! I think that is really what’s on my mind a lot, her, us.. together… it is a wonderful thought and a beautiful life we could have before us. It’s kind of freaky, because as I’m typing this, I looked out the window and amidst the gloominess all day, I’m starting to see this crack of light and the clouds parting to show a beautiful ray of sunshine. Surely, the weather is a representation of light and no matter how dark things are there will be at some point, light. Although I am not getting younger by the day, I truly believe I can move her one day to feel what I feel. As I was walking around the other day, I saw an elderly couple… walking hand in hand as if they were 20, smiling and as if there were no life worries. I fear life, because I fear death – but if I were able to spend my life with her, I will fear nothing – that is the power she gives me.
This weekend, we did our Ching Ming festivities. For those who are not familiar with it, it is generally a day where Chinese-descendants celebrate the life of their ancestors and often, to visit graves to do maintenance and cleaning. There are food and incense galore, each community and culture with different traditions, celebrations and practices. Same as previous years, I always wish upon family and friends the same thing, that our ancestors will provide us with a stable life, good health and to be worry-free. Unlike previous years, this year, I asked for one thing… or more importantly, one person who I hope will make myself complete. Last year, I asked for a person, any person, this year, I gave a name and one name only. I am happy that fortunes are bestowed upon us and whether by coincidence or forces unknown, sometimes what we pray for in our heart, minds and soul is what makes us feel good. You could say, it is like a placebo… you don’t really know whether that pill you’re taking is real, but you feel better already and that’s all that matters!
I will endeavour to post some pictures up of the falls when I get a chance. I have been playing a lot of Bright Shadow and unfortunately, that has been sucking up my time. Business has jumped a bit for the last 2 months, so I’m happy that I’m pulling in some extra income, although I wish things would go back to or even better than 2008. Like I always say, once I start writing, I always forget about things I want to write about. I’m sure I’ll think of more which I will append to this post, but that’s it for now! 😀
Posted on April 6, 2010, in Personal and tagged Blog, Ching Ming, Family Life, Girlfriend, Meditation, Men, Musings, My Life, Opinion, Personal, Relationship, Thoughts, Work. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.