Worrying Over The Uncontrollable

Today, I read an entry by one of my regular visitors, Cherrie on the topic of death.

In my mind, I always wonder why most people worry about things which they cannot control. Suffice to say, I’m not chastising her, I’m just thinking why humans have to have such an active mind, sometimes where emotions and logic disagree with each other. Let’s just say that you as are standing out on the street and see a missile dropping down on your spot. What can you do? Absolutely nothing. You can scream, you can tell other people, but within seconds, all that is useless. I am like that too, I worry about things I shouldn’t be. I worry about things out of my control.

Although I have changed a lot, I am still far from being one of those people who can “Using the sky as a blanket should it fall down.” This is a Chinese expression, used to describe people who have a really good ability to view every scenario in the best-possible way. I wish I could be like that, my grandfather and my father was like that. Whatever happened, they just shrugged and smile. You cannot believe how happy people like that live. Over the years, I certainly have done some self-improvement, learning that if things are uncontrollable, I should not worry about them. Whether I worry or not, it will not change the situation and at most, I am only damaging my own health and stability. I agree with Cherrie and it isn’t that I’m not afraid of dying, I am – but there’s nothing to change the course of life and death. Nevertheless, I have gone through panic phases before and I worry about death. 😥

It is slightly annoying I find that on one level, I am logical. I tell myself, “If I can do nothing to change the matter, I should not care.” – yet, I still do. I’m sure you’re all wondering why this suddenly came to light. Ever since I met my bebe, I worry about small things, things that may or may not be out of my control. Maybe I am extra sensitive when it comes to hurt, I’m attentive and want to be accessible to her at all times. I fret about small little things. When I don’t see her online for a few days, I worry. I cradle my phone and hope to see a text message or I want to send one out, but don’t want to annoy her. I look at my MSN frequently to see if she logs on. I check the news, to see if something has happened near her neighbourhood. I check my voicemails and answering machines to see if she has left me something. I peer at Facebook and see if there’s any sort of activity that I know she’s ok. In my mind, there’s 101 things that could happen to her. Whenever I don’t see her presence, I begin to worry. Indeed, I do not dispute that she “has a life” other than being online or talking to me, but all these worries float up when she’s away unexpectedly or is busy. 😐

My friend Amy, often brings up the point of whether it is better for guys to have a girlfriend or not (or in my case, someone I care about). Little things that we fret over, whether she is safe, healthy and sound. For several months, my bebe ignored me because she could not come to terms that someone could care about her so deeply and did not know what to say for me. When we began talking again, I found out she hurt herself and as she told me, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I started worrying, oh no, is she ok, what is wrong, is it a big problem, can I help, should I have been there for her? Is it my fault for not being available to her? How did she get to the hospital? Are there long-term effects? What have I done wrong? and there’s a lot of self-blaming and over-reaction to things like that. Most people would say, “Then why don’t you just contact her?” and truth be, I know she doesn’t want a guy clinging to her 24/7 and that she has obligations like school, clubs, friends, personal time and errands. Yet, how does a regular person, express care and affection, without going overboard and contacting someone like that? I want to send her text messages to see what she’s doing, yet I do not want to appear I’m prying. I want to know that she’s safe, but how do I do it without looking like I’m tracking her every move? How do I tell her I care, without sounding like I’m treating her like a baby? How do I communicate with her, without worrying that I’m disturbing her from studying, sleeping or an activity? How do I ask her what she’s up to, without making her feel like she has to report to me? … God, so many things that I want to do, feel hesitant, yet feel like I ought to do… how does a person keep their distance, yet stay close enough for her to feel it? ACK! -__-”

Yes, worrying about those you love and care about is nothing unusual, but certainly, it seems trivial to worry about something I had no control over. Logically, what happened has happened… she already hurt herself and I can’t change that – yet, I still worry. When it comes down to this, I think I remember my parents once telling me that as a parent, who has a son/daughter, you worry about them 24/7. When you are 70 and they are 50, you still worry about them. It is an everlasting commitment and bond. Every moment that my bebe isn’t in front of me, I think about her well-being, hoping that she is happy, safe, in good-company, healthy, etc. Even when I’m in front of her, I ask myself whether she is happy, enjoying herself and feels relaxed. Why is it that us humans (or maybe me…) are so stupid like this? So obsessed and overrun by emotions rather than logic? Or is it me, who do not think like a regular man and rather, think with my emotions like a woman? Men are supposed to tough, supposed to be uncaring, supposed to be unaffected by emotions – we are supposed to be rock-solid, void of feelings and think strictly through practicality and logic. 😕

Alas, tomorrow I am having my accountant-friend over help me with doing my taxes for my business. My personal taxes as usual have been done for a while since I like to keep on-top-of-it. I feel stressed out over it, although I know that he’ll take good care of me (in a completely non-gay way) and I don’t need to question his help. We’ll probably go out for an early dinner or late lunch once we finish up as thanks. I’m so happy to have friends of all fields and they come in handy, what friends are for… and they know they can rely on me when they have computer issues. I suppose once tomorrow is done, I will hopefully be stress-free until the next tax season! I’m just waiting to find out how much more money I have to fork over the the government… urg.

But anyways… I thought I’d leave this music video for you guys. 🙂 I lurv it… moreover, I lurv GEM, lol. Sorry, it’s in Cantonese, so it might be a bit dry for you if you don’t understand it 😛

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on April 10, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. you DO worry an awful lot for a “friend”. since you do, just tell her how you feel. communication is always key. i’m sure she knows you care about her too. 🙂

    • Heh, I’m pretty sure she knows about the care, it’s not like I’ve hidden it from her… ever since we met each other for the first time, the care and affection has only grown day-by-day, regardless of the trials she throws at me 😛 Girls do those kinda things, don’t they? LOL… tests, psh, I did them in school one too many times already 😆

      I do communicate my thoughts to her a lot, sometimes more than she wants to know, LOL. I’ve often resolved to telling her less sometimes. I’ve always believed a strong groundwork is about upholding honesty, openness and truth with each other. I’ve learned my lesson with her that at times, I expressed/told her too much about me rather than letting her explore me on her own. Our first ‘trip’ (as in tripped-over) was too much openness from me, therefore she knew too much and it caused problems. Now at times I’m more secretive, discrete, less open about certain things/thoughts. It is kinda freaky, because it is very unlike me, I don’t like playing those “mysterious man” games – lol, but I think I prefer her to know less about me now – leave the surprizes for later, haha. It’s hard for me to be completely open to her like I used to be, only because I know she holds some things she knows about me against me. Best not to give her any ammunition to use against me 😛

      Yes, I’m a big believer of communication, I’m one of those people who love to communicate. I used to be a very shy person, reserved too.. until I got my first ‘corporate job’ – then all the barriers came down. To this day, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not 😀 haha. I believe a good foundation starts with good communication and I’ve expressed my belief in that to her. Hopefully one day she will feel ready to be open with me, that way, we are communicating on a common-ground. It’s not about smothering each other, but it’s about keeping-in-touch, because it’s important to feel independent, yet knowing someone else is interested/cares for each other’s well-being. A few messages and a phone call here and there definitely brightens up the day and swells the heart 😛

  2. I definitely agree it is not-you to be so secretive about yourself… something like that, changes the person u r, and that’s not right. Definitely consider whether or not she wants to know something before telling her, maybe that will help avoid problems. It would be very sad for me if you didn’t express urself like u always have, because that’s not the person I met or know. Ppl like u becoz u are ‘real’ and ‘you’, not because you are a person who is ‘fake’ and has too many different images. Dun change yurself just becoz she doesn’t approve of everything you think/say/do/feel… no one can ever 100% agree with things. I have been w/ Josh for so long, and even to this day, we do not agree about everything. There are still things I can’t stand about me and I know he doesn’t like certain things I do either… but, we are still happily together. Don’t be sumone other than YOURSELF!

    • Sometimes I feel the only way I can get somewhere with her IS to be fake and not me. I find myself hiding things from her more and that’s not who I am. I want to be open with her, for her to know every word I say is truth and not lies, yet there are times, she has made me want to lie about the person I am, to make myself appear more “suited” to her. I agree that most people will never find a 100% match and I don’t look for that in her. I see so much more than the things that I do not like, it is about the positives outweighing the negatives. I truly do not want to end up telling her things and being a ‘false’ person just to make her happy, but I care enough about her to WANT to do those things, just to satisfy her. It feels very hard when I have to be “not be me” – it is very painful and depressing.

      Don’t worry about me not expressing myself with you or others though, I think this just falls in line with her because I want to be that ‘right’ person for her and I’ll do what it takes. I’m not changing who I am to others, lol… I don’t think I could live my life not being open about things, I’m a pretty laid-back person. Hopefully I can be truly open with her again one day because I do not like suppressing myself. It isn’t that I’m willing to change for her, but I have to first find out what, LOL. I find it annoying that she can’t tell me what, haha… not annoying, FRUSTRATING. But then again, I do believe in the power of love and humanity, people at one point, do reach a point where they finally feel touched and motivated! Although I know it is a very different world now than generations before, but even my mom tells me to reach for what I want. My Dad had to put a lot of effort into getting my mom and eventually, love sparked. Listening to my parents retell stories of how my mom constantly rejected him and yet, he did not give up gives me strength and also believe that love DOES conquer. I might not be the “perfect” one for her, I just want to be “the one”. I do not seek her to be perfect, because as much as that, I have learned to overlook them. She has flaws, I won’t lie, just like any other person, but I have learned to look at them and say that there is so much more to her than that! Maybe if she finds it in her heart to believe that in me one day, life will be great.

      I want to be myself and be accepted like that… and maybe one day when she let’s me be me, then I’ll know I’m ready to open up. It almost feels like I have to “live a lie” or at least not tell her things I truly want to. The foundation of a good relationship doesn’t start off with not being truthful with each other, so I want to change that. Life is short, I don’t want to spend time messing around because I truly believe we will make a great couple, albeit that both of us has shortcomings or things that we might disagree with! If I didn’t believe deep-down that we really are good together, I wouldn’t even be wasting this kind of time on her!

      Talking about this made me depressed.. but then I turned my head to look at her smiling in her picture and my heart just melted, LOL. I love her smile… I think I’m going to put my head down now and dream a bit!!! 😆

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