A Gloomy But Fine Day

Yesterday, Sunday… was a very gloomy day in my city and across a good portion of the province. My cousin had arranged to come in to visit me because she wanted to get out of the big city (funny enough, we’re not a small city either.. just smaller). We wanted to go to the beach, check out the observation tower, maybe play mini-golf and she wanted me to take her shooting (which I should mention, she was awkwardly excited about…). The weather was bad and we knew it ahead of time, but thought that we’d go anyways since we could do indoor shooting instead of outdoors. The night before, she called me telling me she really wanted to reschedule since she wanted to have good enough weather to really enjoy the outdoors. Of course, it wasn’t unexpected, lol, all my cousins never seem to be able to do proper planning and time-management – hahaha.. something about my mom’s side of the family that lacks the ability to be punctual and keep plans. But anyways, although I pretty much “knew” this was going to happen, it was still slightly disappointing. A little bit of history is that pretty much every time I see her, sometimes wrong with her computer and we never see each other on a more “regular” basis. Likewise, I used to complain that every time our family went to Hong Kong was when someone died and that’s just  a crappy reason to go to places… so I’ve endeavoured now to go on my vacations regularly and under more positive circumstances.

With that said, I’m kind of glad she didn’t come in because I got time to spend with my bebe instead! I was a very happy man yesterday and even today, I feel high – but not drug-induced high, but an emotionally-induced high. I should mention that to the person who cut me off while I was driving home: you sir, are one lucky bastard. If I wasn’t in such a happy high after seeing my bebe, I probably would’ve tried to run you off the road and kill you. Yes, you DO NOT want to fuck with me when I’m in a car, I will take you out. Consider that my bebe’s blessing to you that I didn’t try to “eliminate” you for your extremely close cut to the side of my vehicle. But anyways, on a happier note, I feel lucky as well that things kinda fell in place the way they did. If I ended up spending a day with my cousin, I wouldn’t have had time to spend with bebe, so I’m happy-happy 😀

But girls, I’ll tell you – they’re high maintenance, lol. The original plan was for me to pick her up from her house and drive her out to her friends in another city. Just for the sake of reference, we’ll call this city, “M” and where we live, “H”. From my house to her house is about 25 minutes on a smooth day. Distance-wise, it is not far… time-wise, it is 100% city traffic. Luckily, it was about 7PM at the time, so traffic was pretty light and it was a matter of waiting for lights and stuff. When I picked her up… oh if I could only tell you how fast my heart was beating before she opened the door – lol, it was like a first-date all over again, haha. I had all these things I thought about saying like, “You look beautiful today.” or, “Thanks for seeing me again”.. etc, but all I ended up choking out was, “Hi, are you ready?” – LOL. It wasn’t like I was trying to be rude, that’s all that could come to my mouth at that point, haha… because I was so stunned by her beauty. I figured, why make a note that she’s beautiful today? She’s beautiful everyday anyways. Just for the sake of the story, I’m not sure if this was really a “date” … we went for dinner and there was no obligatory-dating events or anything. You can call it whatever you like!

Of course, you know as I said, girls are high-maintenance. I thought we were heading directly out and then she asked if we could drop by her school so that she could clean out her locker. I was thinking to myself, “Hey, she never mentioned that before..” – haha, and I was like, ok! So I dropped her off (ok, so it was a 1 minute drive) and while I waited in the car, I got my GPS configured. I drive out to “M” often enough to know the roads there better than in my own city, but with the new Ontario laws prohibiting the use of handheld devices while driving, I needed to set my GPS up for bluetooth phone purposes in case anyone called. Our ride was pretty joyful, we had lots of talk about and although in the midst of a few moments of silence throughout the ride, it was pretty awesome. I’m really talkative though, so for me, it is a less of problem than her, haha. But after she cleaned out the locker, she wanted me to take her back home to drop her books off – lol, it was pretty funny because even though she asked if, “it was ok” to take her back, but she wasn’t really asking, I could tell on her face she was pretty much telling me to do it, haha. Gosh, she’s not officially my girlfriend yet and I’m already being told what to do 😛 But I jest – she’s much too cute for me to say no to, lol, and I was willing to do it for her. I’m sure if it was anyone else, I’d be like… no, stop wasting my gas – that’s poor planning on your part, and not my problem 😆

We ate our dinner at a Chinese Cafe sort and had a variety of snacks, small dishes and full course. We both had a sirloin steak and it was yummy! I finished mine and was pretty much at the “maximum capacity” of my food intake, but she couldn’t finish hers. Actually, she ate quite a bit, lol, so I was pretty impressed. She called her friends to make sure whether they were home yet, but they were eating so I couldn’t drop her off anyways. It was ok, because I planned on going to a nearby supermarket to kill some time and because I wanted to get some instant-foods for her to cook when she gets home. We didn’t get any since she had stocked up last week and because it’d be a good week before she’d go back home anyways. It was ok, I wasn’t disappointed, because we spent a good amount of time in there. For a moment, I really felt like we were a great couple, enjoying shopping together, playing around and discussing deals/good foods – damn, it was heaven and all we did was walk around the supermarket, lol. I take happiness and pride in small things and truly, it was an amazing hour of fun and enjoyment. I should mention, that I was extremely happy to find out this particular chain of the supermarket has now began selling a variety of SaraSara Center-In, Laurier, Sofy and Elis sanitary napkins!!! It sucked, because before, I’d have to go all the way out an even farther one to get access to it, but now it’s available at this one! I really tried avoiding that aisle because I was with her, so I wanted to ask her to carry some of the stuff I was holding so I could wander off and kind of look at it privately. Mind you, I didn’t mind her coming with me, I didn’t want her to feel awkward. Unfortunately, she led me down that aisle, lol, and I ended up looking because there used to be a very small section and now all of a sudden, they have this huge stock of both domestic and import products – YAY!! We did linger for a bit, but I think she was kind of embarrassed and walked to the end of the aisle… it’s ok, after all, she hasn’t been around me long enough to accept that part of me. Now I have to get some next time I go there with one of my girls… but as I was driving home, I thought ot myself, “Shit, why didn’t I buy it while she was with me and it was late at night?” ACK, slow thinker!

As we were lining up to pay for her stuff, could you imagine… her friends were there. YES – that was a totally awkward situation. Now let’s get the facts straight, I’ve always wanted to meet her friends because I want to become a part of her life, and feel accepted. However, she has always expressed she doesn’t feel ready and stuff for me to be a part of her life yet, so I’ve never pushed that. Throughout the night when we were eating, I kept my eyes out for my aunt or uncle or someone I knew, because if they saw me with her, it’d be a weird moment given that I’m sure there’d be lots of questions. The place we went to eat is pretty much our “regular place” – so it is not rare to bump into people I know and luckily, that did not happen. I’m not embarrassed to be with her, but I know she doesn’t want too much exposure, so I didn’t want to put her in an awkward position or anything. Sure enough, luck would have it we bump into her friends while shopping – huuurrr, lol. I was standing  behind her and she turned her back to me to greet her friends. Even though I didn’t want to make a scene, I thought it’d be pretty normal to greet her friends to be courteous, but they were rapidly talking and all their eyes were completely avoiding me, so I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation (especially since I couldn’t understand it well enough). I thought they were ignoring me, so I just stood behind her and save her the trouble of having to explain who I was, and blah blah. Both of the girls seemed very nice and from first impression, it’s great that bebe associates with them – they will be a good influence on her! Her friends gave her the keys to their place and then we proceeded to check-out her stuff. If anything, I’d love to be able to refer to her as my girlfriend – it’s something I’m yearning the day for… however, not right now. Maybe some people who read this will think it’s weird – but I don’t think then perhaps you understand Chinese culture. If someone were to see me with her, I’d have a hard time introducing her as just a girl—-friend, rather than girlfriend. Even if I did, there’d be a whole slew of questions as to why I don’t date her and yaddy-yadda, so just to save the headaches, best if we don’t bump into anyone we know. Nevertheless, it turns out her friends did want to say hi and so did I… but clearly all of us thought we were avoiding one another when both of us were simply too shy to say anything – lol. At least at the end of the night, both ends found out we were eager to say “hi” to each other and there were no ignoring going on, haha.

I dropped her off at her friends place – it was only a 5 minute drive. She asked me to drop her off at the side, but it makes me very uncomfortable to drop a girl off (especially one I care about) in the middle of nowhere, and I took her to the front entrance instead. I helped her unload her stuff and made sure she enjoyed her night. I think back and I know I made a hasty escape… after I dropped her off, I really didn’t linger much. One reason was because I dropped her off in an area where you’re not allowed to stop/park, so I was a bit weary… but personally, I know if I stayed too long, I’d begin to miss her already and I’d want a goodbye hug, kiss or I’d really want to hold her hands and squeeze her tight. I doubt she’s ready for that contact yet, so I didn’t want to leave myself open to doing something that’d make her feel uncomfortable. Truth be told, I do want to hug her, I do want to hold her hands, I do want to show my affection to her, but logic tells me it’s best not to push her beyond what she can handle. I left pretty quickly, even before she got through the door. That’s about probably the most ungentlemanly thing all night I’ve done and while I’ m ashamed, I did it with good intent not risking my own heart taking me farther than what her heart feels.

When I got home, I was high… god, it was a restless night and I only got a few hours of sleep. I was too hyped up, thinking about the future we can have together… too happy, over the time, albeit short, we spent together. There were moments we connected and did things like a couple. There were times, I wanted to just put my arms around her – not to intrude, but to let her I know care and show her that physical affection. There were times, I could not take my eyes off her, because she was so beautiful. There were times, I wanted to hold her hands and squeeze lightly to tell her I’m here for her. There were times I wanted to give her the world and let her know I’ll take of her no matter what. I know for her, I’ve changed a lot and my mind and heart is filled with happiness. No doubt, people will say it’s foolish to base happiness of someone else and not make my own happiness – but that is what happens when people fall for one another, rationalization is not part of the equation, but think with emotions.

I recapped my evaluation of myself and the night:

  • I drove slow wherever we went… not slow, but slower so I could savour every moment with her
  • I stepped out in the rain to wait and open the car door for her because I didn’t want her to slip or rush and end up hitting her head on the top of the door-arch, you’d be surprized how often that happens when people rush to get in the car
  • I asked her a lot of the time if things were ok and stuff – normally, I don’t really care, lol
  • I ordered her food for her – normally, you can order your own damn food
  • I made sure she had enough clothes to wear because it was colder than usual and raining – I figure most people can figure that out themselves but felt compelled to keep her healthy
  • I carried things for her when I normally don’t – you want to buy something, carry it yourself
  • I took time to watch things she likes, so that I can get it for her when she runs out
  • I hate when people don’t tell me things ahead of time and then ask me to do it… she did, and I still happily did it for her – ya, I’m fucked, lol
  • I told my ex I wouldn’t feel seeing her less than 5 hours if I had to drive all the way out to “M” was worth it because it is 55KM’s one way… I spent a total of 121KM’s and an hour and 44 minutes driving bebe around and even though we only spent 3 hours together, IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT – ya, I kinda feel guilty about my ex now that I think about it
  • I spend a lot of money on bebe and it doesn’t bother me… wtf
  • Normally I like looking at girls who “show a lot”… bebe wears the most concealing clothes ever, t-shirt, a light jacket and jeans… nothing revealing to look at, but she’s absolutely gorgeous in what she wears
  • She’s the perfect height to me, lol – not too short and not too tall… match made in heaven – uh huh!

Overall, the night was amazing and I can’t think of any other way I could’ve spent it better! Mind you, I wouldn’t have minded spending more time together, but really, the few hours we had was VERY well spent. Perhaps in a way, seeing each other for moderate amount of time is better than spending a full day together, because then perhaps we may run out of things to talk about and silence ensues. I think it’ll take time for us to develop a basis of conversations where we might not have to “think” too hard to continue a conversation, but I’m quite happy with how much we had to talk about and things were relaxed. I don’t want to ask how she felt and whether she’s more at-ease and comfortable with me because it feels very tacky to ask… also, I may or may not want to know the answer if it’s bad – LOL, best to leave it at that. I know I spend a lot of time discussing things we do, but obviously there are things that happen between us that I don’t post up here. After all, I still have an expectation to a degree of privacy and of course I’m not the “Kiss and Tell” type where I report every little intimate moment we have or anything. These are some pretty general relationship things, so I suppose it’s not digging too deep in our private lives. I’m happy we’re making some progress down the road of friendship and hope that perhaps one day, we will be something more.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend just as I have! Cheers.

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on April 26, 2010, in Periodtastic, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Does WordPress hv a “like” button? Cuz I really like this entry 😀 Congrats wor… kekeke… “失敗乃成功之母” … so… do I get to cm to yur wedding? 😆

    OMG – u have access to Elis and Sofy now?!! Yur going to go crazy 😛 I nvr tried Center-In, wut do u think?

  2. Aw! I’m glad you had a great time!! Love is in the air~ 🙂

  3. Weeeee~~~~~~~~ Nice post! I second Amy, if there’a a “like” button I’d click it!!!

  4. Amy… lol wedding, I wish… long way to go.. I have my 老婆本 (is that even the right ‘boon’? :P) saved up though, hahaha! Who knows how long – we were just talking last night and still she has some 戒心 and 保留. I mean on one hand, I know she wants to play it safe and not jump into something and being cautious is not a bad virtue… but I think, haven’t I showed enough of goodness of myself to at least deserve a BIT of good-faith? I dunno, maybe we get along better when we’re actually in front of each other than when we talk on-line… I really hate talking online. I wish she’d just open herself up to me a bit, because maybe she never knew how awesome it is to be loved – but having been loved myself, I know the wonderful feeling and yearn/crave it. Love, care, affection are all feelings that if you never had it, you don’t know… but once you do have it, it’s like a drug you keep on wanting more. Maybe she’s scared to be addicted to that feeling? kekeke. But small shuffles at a time, as long as there’s no big steps backwards. Although it’s painful that she’s so far away from me when she’s out with her “other” friends – I think they’re a better influence on her, a more ‘good’ and ‘mature’ bunch – maybe with enough time, they’ll be able to influence how she thinks about relationships and feel more SECURE. I think there’s a discomfort she has with me, like not being able to believe the things I do/say. Her (awfully cute friend!!!) seems really nice and I would imagine has a stable and committed relationship, so hopefully bebe will absorb some of that “wisdom” from her 😀

    Ya, I have access to Elis and Sofy now in “M” hahaha.. a much shorter drive than going to Steeles or Warden. Maybe I can ask god-sis to come with me when she’s free or I’ll just go get it myself, lol… when I make sure there’s no family or friends in the store, hah. Ya, I’m kinda going crazy… I lit up like a damn light-bulb when I saw it! I was hoping I could make bebe blush, she’s so cute when she’s red 😛 I’m so cruel aren’t I? Can’t wait to try them out… only 1/4 pack of Stayfree and Always to go! I also found a new one at GT called Incognito… the name rings a bell, keeps on reminding me of Vania.

    Aly, ya… it’s in the air.. MY air – not hers yet, lolololol. Spare me a Love Potion No. 9 please 😛 Once you move, we’ll finally be in the same time zone 😀 No more awkward 3-hour differences, haha. Don’t forget to take pics of you and your boytoy for prom! 😆

    PC, I miss j00, vare r u?!! Btw… looked it up wor, no “U by Kotex” in Malaysia, but they have pretty much the equivalent.. Kotex Luxe. I think Luxe is cooler because it comes in a tin can… HAHAHA. 3.90rm for 5 pieces… seriously, that’s nuts, LOL. But…. if I ever come visit you, I will buy you some “U” as a gift XD Now let’s see if you know me as well as Amy does and know which present I would like in return, haha..

  5. hahaha, i’m sure she’ll breathe some of your love air soon. 🙂
    and yeah… 3 hours is actually really annoying! had to wake up early for that help desk! -_____-;;
    but yes, we’ll definitely take pictures. hahaha

    • I’m so depressed today… .. she went off to her friends to BBQ and picnic and I wasn’t wanted 😦 I know she’s not “ready” for it… but still – I couldn’t help but feel just a tiny bit left out… like it’s GORGEOUS outside today, wish I could’ve spent such a beautiful day with her and her friends. I know I told her “I expected it” but still.. deep down, it kinda stung =\ I’m such a little wuss when it comes to emotions. Sometimes I just worry I have all this frustration and anger pent inside of me that I’ll just explode one day. I was just as annoyed NOT having to deal with a relationship and having to deal with one – it’s like, “Can’t live with it, can’t live without” situation.

      I was just staring out the window and you know.. when you’re upset you get that, “I want to barf” feeling?… ‘cuz I’m just admiring how happy she must be having so much fun right now while I sit here in my room playing this crappy game >.> I don’t see what her problem is with just accepting me, I feel like I’m ready to explode any moment sometimes dealing with her “distant-ness” to me. At times, we’re so close and other times she’s like frigid to me. I swear it’s like a 365/24/7 PMS that she has, lol.. fluctuating emotions every 5 seconds of what she wants, lol. Aiiii… my head. If only she truly knew how much what she’s doing really hurts, maybe she wouldn’t be doing it.

      It was funny, ‘cuz I was reading this article on how men don’t like being with girls who are virgins.. and vice-versa (this has NOTHING to do with what you’re thinking of, this is just an analogy)… because they have “no experience”. She doesn’t have a lot of experience with prior serious relationships, so she’s never known what it feels to be hurt by someone or what emotional damage feels like. I’ve always been cautious about how I deal with girls, because I know a lot of damage can be done, having gone through it myself. It has made me think twice before I act on something, because I know it hurts. I know I set myself up of pursuing her… it is my choice after all, but not knowing what hurt feels like, that’s why she doesn’t understand the pain I go through because of her. If she had that experience… maybe she wouldn’t be messing with me like this. So I guess sometimes experiences do matter…. but… I want her all to myself, so I ain’t sharing her with anyone else 😀

      Maybe I need to store my love-air into an oxygen container and force her to breathe it… HAHAHAHA 😆

      • Oh gosh…. bad mood today hrm? I hate it when yur not happy, makes me so sad 😦 I dun like seeing u sad, especially ‘cuz of something like this. I kno u want to so bad spend time with her and I kno u must feel really hurt n’ stuff…

        I wish I could meet her and talk some sense into her… but maybe her frd’s will really help her out and understand relationships and the fragility of emotions. U know jus as well that it’s just her trying to defend herself and that she questions whether u will stay true to her – especially if u are her first. Of course I hope you are also the LAST n’ only one for her 😛

        Do u still dream about her? kekekke… what TTYYPPEE of dreams? 😆

        • Not so much ‘bad’ mood as if I’m angry… but more of a ‘sad’ mood. It wasn’t really the fact she didn’t want me to go – I mean, ya, we’re not quite at the “let’s meet everyone” stage yet, so that’s understandable, but sometimes, it is the way you communicate things. Kind of like the difference when someone asks you something and you say, “No thank you” versus “Screw off, no”… a lot of the times, that’s really where the difference is at, just the way she says things sometimes. Maybe it’s just her and not so much her intentionally expressing things a certain way. I’m really trying to get used to it, because if that is the way she’s like, then I do have to accept it. I just wish sometimes things were said with a bit of tact, you know, softer? LOL. She’s really conservative too, like it’s good and all, but it’s like I can’t really make certain types of jokes with her I feel restricted… but meanwhile, I’m sure if her friends were to say something similar, she would be ok with it? It’s like she has this bias with me, so if someone else says it, it is ok.. but if I say it, it is like if I committed a crime or something.

          Of course I dream about her, I just did on Monday night, lol. Never ask a guy what we dream about 😛 It’s pretty typical stuff, family-life, happy moments… and stuff like that is pretty common and I’ll say… but other… uhh.. types of dreams I’m not going to say, LOL.. or at least not here. I think I was too restless on Sunday night to really dream about her and that’s why it ended up Monday night instead, haha.

          I think we just both need to have an understanding of each other… I have to accept/tolerate some of the ways she treats me and maybe she needs to understand the way I think, the things I do, how I feel and stuff like that. I’m not saying I expect perfection and to the contrary, I don’t… but that goes both ways and we both have flaws or things we might not particularly ‘like’ about each other, but sometimes just overlooking those flaws never hurts.

  6. Dun be unhappy la… I’ll give you a hug… 😀

    • I suppose I’ll take that hug from you… but I prefer if it was from her. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms one day… hope that happens soon before I jump off a building or something from the torment! 😥

      • nooo! don’t jump off the building!!!!
        just wait and save your love-air. she just might be clueless and not know what she’s doing, like you said. just hold on. there’re always bad days, but they’ll clear up soon enough. stuff like this takes time and it’ll pay off. 🙂

        • Haha, ok, I’ll have a parachute or one of those bouncey-mats waiting at the bottom 😆

          Speaking of which… you poofed for a long time!! If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve went to sleep and you disappeared for like an hour and a half – BLAH … you cost me precious sleeping-time, haha.. and don’t forget, I’m 3 hours ahead of you!

          Time… bleh.. time sucks 😛 I hate waiting for shit, especially this… makes me soooo anxious. It’s all her fault making me wait this long for her and it won’t be my fault the first time I get to kiss her that I’ll suck all the air out of her XD either that or I’ll be super-shy and totally turn red, HAHAHA… I’m just all talk 😀 I turn red pretty easily when it comes to relationship stuff, lol – especially ‘cuz she soooo cute! I’m so giddy right now XD I love thinking about her, I totally swoon, haha.

          I got myself a little mini-light for her picture frame on my office desk, that way, even when it’s dark in the room, I can see her XD Sometimes I don’t like to open my blinds/windows because people are smoking outside and if I don’t turn the big lights on.. it gets pretty dark, so now I can always see her beautiful face 😀 Hrm.. I hate cupid, seriously, haha.

      • Wah, u make it sound like my hug not worth anything X.x

        • Haha.. it’s worth lots, just not as much as from… her – lol. Sorry la… if you wanted me to consider your hug more meaningful, should’ve dated me when you had the chance XD kkekekeke.

  7. lol sweet stuff bro.

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