Dear Prexus Swyftwynd

Kindly allow me to play “Aunt Agony” for today ;P

1. How do you personally differentiate the phases of dating? For instance, before two people officially commit to each other, is it still referred to as dating? What would be the appropriate “description” you would assign it? I’m referring to the courting process where two people have not necessarily committed themselves, although there may be a degree of exclusivity. Would you consider the label of dating assigned only when two people are boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend & girlfriend/girlfriend?

Technically, “dating” refers to when a person makes time exclusively for a particular person. You could date your friend for a movie, date for a business-cum-lunch meeting, or date a special girl/guy romantically 😛 “Date” does not necessarily mean you only see a particular girl for some time. Some people date multiple girls/guys romantically. To me, a “date” does not imply that I am being in some sort of or the beginning of some romantic relationship, just that I am making time to meet someone. I could substitute the word “date” with “meeting”.

Which brings me to the next question….

2. What’s the best way to depart from the end of a date or even something casual? Recently, I ashamedly say that my leaves at the end of an event, I often cannot find ways to depart gracefully. I have always considered myself a gentleman, but I’m starting to question that. I struggle to depart from the girl in a proper manner as often I will leave hastily to avoid myself from being attached and overly affectionate. Anyone who knows me will know I really enjoy physical affection, especially at the end of a date. Do you have a preferred way of ‘saying goodbye’ or have expectations of how a guy should say his goodbye when they are not at the stages of physical affection yet? I am embarrassed, because I’ve never had this happen to me before… with all dates I’ve had, there was always been a degree of physical contact, even on the first date. In general, my dates have always been girls out of my “good friends” (or girls I’ve known for a LONG time) list.. that’s why there’s never been a lack of contact-comfort with each other and I’m not sure how to handle girls who aren’t like that.

Use your mouth. I don’t mean a kiss on the lips, but try something simple and sweet, like a peck on the cheek. Kiss her like you kiss your Mom. Affectionate but not asking for anything. Tell her how much you like her, how cute you think she is. Or while walking her up to the doorstep, or in the car (while you’re driving – preferably a few minutes before reaching her place) – lightly clasp your fingers around her hand – just for a moment, so she will be startled, yet not enough time for her to pull away because you have released her hand before she knew what happened. So you get to show her some physical affection, yet in such a way as to not make her feel uncomfortable. DON’T then tell her how much you love her bla bla bla. She can TELL by your fleeting gesture. If she makes an unhappy face, give her an small shy smile. SHY smile, not LECHEROUS smile lol.


3. When it comes to sleeping with someone, do you believe that it requires the same comfort-level as having sex? I consider sleeping to be JUST sleeping and nothing more. I have slept with girls before, on the same bed, but without any required sexual-contact. Do you believe that in order for you to feel comfortable enough to sleep with someone, that would also be the same comfort level you would need to engage in “other” activities?

For me, sleeping with friends is fine. Same bed, same couch, is fine. We love doing everything together! *starts missing her wacky friends* Just NO BODY CONTACT, be it male or female bedmate, sexual or not.

4. This might sound stupid… but how does one resist the temptation.. or maybe the word is enticement of being physically affectionate to a girl (or boy, if that is your case) you are ‘with’? When I’m to the left of her, I often want to hold her hands. When I’m to the right of her, I often want to put my arms around her shoulders. When I’m behind her, I often want to hold/hug her from behind. However, when I’m in front of her, I find it very rude that I’m walking ahead and ignoring her… at the same time, that’s the only way I’m out-of-each from the temptation of expressing my feelings for her through physical contact. I want to be polite and gentlemanly while maintain my sanity. I would not disagree if you said I lack self-control – because when I’m with her, really, I do.

Well, you could stifle your affection for her for a few dates. Be aloof, be cold. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way for her to realise “Hey, some thing’s missing! Some thing’s up with him!” Then she will ask, “What’s wrong? How come you’re so different?”

THEN you explain to her your dilemma. Do NOT use the term “lack of self-control”. Emphasise However, when I’m in front of you, I find it very rude that I’m walking ahead and ignoring you… at the same time, that’s the only way I’m out-of-each from the temptation of expressing my feelings for you through physical contact.” .


5. What’s the best way to approach the issue of buying something for her? I want to buy her things sometimes, but I always want it to be a surprize. However, I am a very practical person and would not want to purchase something for someone they will not use/appreciate. Most people would say, “Well, you should know what she likes…” – but honestly, girls have different expectations every 6 seconds, so rather than making a “guess”, I want it to be a well-informed decision. Is it tacky to take her to the place where you want to buy her something and ask? (It isn’t a wedding ring… by then though, I sure as hell should know what she likes!)

Nah, don’t do bring her to the place and ask. Try to gather her interests and what she needs or wants by chatting with her, do it in a roundabout way so she doesn’t know you’re planning of buying anything for her.

For example, “My friends were thinking of buying a farewell present for a long-time female friend, what do you think we should get her?” or “Recently I watched this drama where this girl got a gift from so-and-so and she wasn’t too happy so she chucked it in her closet and forgot about it, and it’s her birthday present! What kind of present you think would suit a girl with her personality?”. Be creative. 😉

If she does pick up on you, you say “Huh? Uh, I wasn’t thinking of buying you anything – I know you’re not that kind of girl.” I know, it’s a little bit of an ouchie – but what’s a lil ouchie for the smile that brightens every bit of your being? 🙂

6. Is it reasonable to want/ask for a date at least once a week? Although I prefer more, she is occupied with school/homework or simply wants to watch her shows/relax/sleep. I try to get her to become more open with the idea of frequent, but short time spent together, to help build enough comfort/topics to talk about. Would you consider once a week to be too long or too short of a time-span?

Once a week is A-ok. More often and soon you may run out of things to talk about. I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but trust me, it will be that way sooner or later – what’s the rush? Give her time to miss you! Time waiting builds excitement! ^^ One of the long-term couples I know (6 years+) only meet up once a week – or twice if time permits – but keep in touch by instant messaging, short and sweet phone calls, text messages and such. If you want to SEE her, there’s always Skype 😛 I know, why Skype when you can just drive over? But hey, Skyping is silly and fun – it’s the small silly things that make a relationship sweet and romantic. “OK, since you don’t want to date me, I’ll date you online then!” – lame jokes like that. 😉

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About Poh Ching

LLB graduate. Devil's advocate. Also full-time mercenary. Everyone who I do not love, nothing is free.

Posted on May 5, 2010, in Personal, Thumbs Up Reads and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. LOL PC… I was always hoping that first post of yours would be for the topic of my beautiful blog… guess not XD Nevertheless, taannnkkiess for taking the time out of your busy day 😀 How’s the heat over there? You must smell really bad 😆 That’s a really good thought on your idea of “dating”.. although I would not be overly happy if she was dating multiple guys romantically at once… actually I wouldn’t be happy at all if it was only one person and that person wasn’t me. Do I sound like the jealous-type already? HAHAHA.

    In regards to using my lips – you have no idea… that will get me slapped, kicked in the nuts or punched in the face – neither of which I like (or any combination henceforth). I tried the light hand-holding… didn’t turn out well 🙂 The only “comfort” she feels right now is standing about 5 feet away from me at all times T___T Some of the things you’ve listed would definitely work on a normal girl… hahaha.. she’s not quite so “receptive” and “open” to such things… at least for now. I need something milder than that.. not sure if there IS anything milder. I laughed when I read the “LECHEROUS smile” part… it immediately made me think of those ham sup lo’s that have those thick glasses and horny smiles.. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

    I tried something similar to what you suggested about pulling back and being cold. Well not exactly, but it was something essentially to invoke her intention and perhaps “make her think”… it was not a good idea – totally backfired and she ended up ignoring me for about 6 months (the worst 6 months EVER – I was a fucking wreck EVERY.FRIGGIN.DAY).. I don’t want to try those games again.

    @Presents… lol, you like being kau’ed and romanced into things… she’s not ready for that. Those would be perfect thing to say and do for a normal couple who has spent some time together… I don’t even know how often I can jab at her or joke with her before she explodes on me or something. Something I say very “mean but flirtatious” things with her and she always seems weirded out to it. I’m not “expert” in flirting, but I can definitely pull it off with most girls… I just wish she was part of the category, “most”… haha.

    Sometimes I see relationships as being an unspoken kinship. Sometimes I see a “perfect date” as just cuddling up on the couch and watching something. Not a single word needs to be said or anything expressed… the contact and comfort is already enough satisfaction. I am an easily satisfied person and do not expect every time there will be lots of talks, activities or things to do… sometimes the simplest things to do are the most heartfelt things. Even if I were to go over and she’d just lie in my arms and fall asleep, I’d feel like that was a productive thing… we don’t necessarily have to talk.

    “keep in touch by instant messaging, short and sweet phone calls, text messages and such” – this is tottally the way I want to develop our relationship as well… very much like my cousin and his girlfriend of 8 years. I think it’s not about seeing each other every day, but finding ways to “connect”… like calling each other and just say, “Hey, whatcha doing? I’m thinking about you…” or “Thought I’d call just to say hello”. However, after 6 years, meeting up once/twice a week is pretty sparse O_o… maybe that’s why they’ve been together 6 years and not married? LOL.. not enough contact-time ma? I’m TOTALLY for text-messaging and short calls… just being able to keep-in-touch and hear her voice makes me happy 😀 Although I’d definitely hope at some point she could start doing “gatherings” with family/friends, just as if she was ‘one of us’.. of course in the future though.

    I would not use Skype for webcamming.. I’m disheveled when I’m home, LOL. Most of the time when I’m home in the summer, I’m topless and just wearing my boxers, hahaha… that’s totally inappropriate to show over cam XD Also, I’m very self-conscious of my body… if it was extremely toned, I wouldn’t mind showing it off 😛 .. unfortunately, it is not. I say small, sweet and romantic things to her… she doesn’t perceive it that way though sometimes… makes me want to cry 😐

    But anyways, you rock for taking the time to respond to me in an entry 😉 Your next post better be you showing off your products… LOL.

  2. Wah… u got such good frd’s helping you that she take time to write entire entry for u ^___^ so gd la… u get treated the way u treat others, so u must be very nice to her xDD

    • haha ya, PC’s pretty awesome like that. It sucks I don’t get to talk to her more ‘cuz of time-zone differences 😦 I love talking to her all the time… minus the fact she constantly talks about how great her ex is, lol… I figured from now on, every time she mentions something about him, I’m going to start blabbing about periods to annoy her 😆

  3. Kekeke, u n’ bebe are so cute together xDD match made in heaven! I notice she hv 青春豆 or is that just camera? If it is, can always use some make-up to lighten it. Remember when I had 青春豆, it was so sad 😦 Is she that much younger than u meh?

    Enjoy chasing ar, ‘cuz once that’s over, then it is just boring relationship until you get married 😆 Over time, then “novelty” goes away, haha… so no rush, just enjoy it while it lasts! U two have plenty of time to spend together in the future, no point worrying abt how u can’t see her everyday 😀

    • Only by a few years la… but she’s still in her youth, haha…. maybe that’s why have that XD I dunno, I never ask her about that… She’s looks diff every time though, sometimes it is more/less than other times. She looks fine in pictures though, it’s weird… maybe she uses make-up for pictures? I dunno… It’ll probably go away anyways once she starts living a more regular/balanced lifestyle, like going to bed at proper times and more home-cooked eating habits. Lots of the times those things surface only because the body is under-maintained. If she slept more during normal hours and (I don’t know if she does) use some cleanser on herself, it’d be help get rid of it.

      I started taking care of my face more too, LOL… every since I met her.. using the Dove Men’s Face Cleaner so I fixed all the rough skin I used to have by my nose. I try to do heated/closer shaves too now. All that just for her eh? HAHA… Couldn’t care less before 😛 I’m sure a bit of concealer will get rid of it anyways… but oh well, doesn’t bother me that much… still shows she’s still young and can have that XD I’m too old for that now, haha. She has a beautiful smile anyways!

      I do really enjoy chasing her now, lol, I admit it. Seems kind of fun – sometimes frustrating, but the reward is down the road 😀 I’m sure she’s all I could ever ask for… haha.

  4. One of my ex’s said I could post this, so here’s her reply 😛 It’s amazing the very different attitudes that people have and answer they’ve come up with for my questions, haha.

    ——————
    1. Dating is what I would classify (mostly) anything that occurs
    before an “exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend relationship”. I say mostly
    because you can have “friends-with-benefits” and that wouldn’t
    necessarily be dating. After you’re committed to each other (and both
    agree to be exclusive) it’s not longer dating, it’s a relationship.

    My comment: Well I sure has hell need to get outta this dating stage fast, shouldn’t I? LOL.

    2. It will depend on your date. If your date is more conservative,
    best to leave out any physical contact until she initiates it or until
    you’re 99% sure she won’t be offended or feel awkward if you initiate
    physical contact unless you’re willing to put up with any negative
    effects from your actions (e.g. your date withdrawing from you or
    becoming more distant). Just end with a friendly goodbye and say that
    you had a good time. If you’re feeling confident, I would start with
    just a little hug for physical contact.

    My comment: I love hugs too, they’re cute and extremely comfortable ^_^ I still remember the hug you have given me before… 😀 So cute! After watching her go through a withdrawal once, I don’t want to go through it again. I really do care about her and I don’t want to give her unneeded pressure. A bit of a “kick” once in a while to step things up is useful sometimes, but I think the more time she has to build comfort with me, the better, and I don’t want to take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

    3. I don’t sleep or share my bed with any guys that I’m not in a
    relationship with so no comment/answer to this one. 😛

    My comment: Oh come on, don’t lie to me XD Is that a puddle on your bed I see? LOL!

    4. Really, it’s just self-control. Maybe try imagining how
    uncomfortable you would make her feel or how awkward she would feel if
    you touched her and she pulled away in disgust (or any other negative
    emotion she may possibly feel). Try stuffing your hands in your pocket.

    My comment: haha, rather than imagining her discomfort, I imagine how embarrassing it would be for me XD You know… for a guy to stuff his hands in his pockets… might not be a good idea. Heard about playing pocket pool? HAHAHAHA 😆

    5. Yes it is tacky when you haven’t achieved boyfriend-girlfriend
    status and a certain level of comfort. If you want to get something
    for her, just get her something small to let her know that you think
    about her (e.g. “this trinket or whatever reminded me of you!”). This
    also depends on the person – she may not like little trinkets or
    whatever. I would say candy is safe but perhaps I’m biased because I
    think everyone likes candy 😛

    My comment: Pretty much everything awesome reminds me of her… I’ll be pretty busy and broke after buying stuff 😛 haha. XD @ your candy comment – very kawaii.

    6. It is reasonable to want to go out on a date once-a-week but you
    also have to realize that she may not always be available to go out,
    especially when she has school obligations etc. and is pressed for
    time. Also, distance can play a factor – it’s easier to “grab a quick
    lunch together” if you’re closer in proximity and thus you would go
    out more often.

    My comment: I prefer that she lives fairly close to me… better than all my previous relationships. I finally found out how important proximity is when it comes to upholding a relationship. Right now, I can be there when she needs me to be, rather than having to second-think whether driving really far is “worth it” or logical. I really hope she stays within a decent distance from me so we don’t run into LD relationships because they suck and usually fail.

    —-

    Thanks for your comments girl ^__^ especially with how well you know me, haha.

  1. Pingback: Successful Training For Your Dog Using The Positive Reinforcement Method

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