Dear Prexus Swyftwynd
Kindly allow me to play “Aunt Agony” for today ;P
1. How do you personally differentiate the phases of dating? For instance, before two people officially commit to each other, is it still referred to as dating? What would be the appropriate “description” you would assign it? I’m referring to the courting process where two people have not necessarily committed themselves, although there may be a degree of exclusivity. Would you consider the label of dating assigned only when two people are boyfriend/girlfriend, boyfriend/boyfriend & girlfriend/girlfriend?
Technically, “dating” refers to when a person makes time exclusively for a particular person. You could date your friend for a movie, date for a business-cum-lunch meeting, or date a special girl/guy romantically 😛 “Date” does not necessarily mean you only see a particular girl for some time. Some people date multiple girls/guys romantically. To me, a “date” does not imply that I am being in some sort of or the beginning of some romantic relationship, just that I am making time to meet someone. I could substitute the word “date” with “meeting”.
Which brings me to the next question….
2. What’s the best way to depart from the end of a date or even something casual? Recently, I ashamedly say that my leaves at the end of an event, I often cannot find ways to depart gracefully. I have always considered myself a gentleman, but I’m starting to question that. I struggle to depart from the girl in a proper manner as often I will leave hastily to avoid myself from being attached and overly affectionate. Anyone who knows me will know I really enjoy physical affection, especially at the end of a date. Do you have a preferred way of ‘saying goodbye’ or have expectations of how a guy should say his goodbye when they are not at the stages of physical affection yet? I am embarrassed, because I’ve never had this happen to me before… with all dates I’ve had, there was always been a degree of physical contact, even on the first date. In general, my dates have always been girls out of my “good friends” (or girls I’ve known for a LONG time) list.. that’s why there’s never been a lack of contact-comfort with each other and I’m not sure how to handle girls who aren’t like that.
Use your mouth. I don’t mean a kiss on the lips, but try something simple and sweet, like a peck on the cheek. Kiss her like you kiss your Mom. Affectionate but not asking for anything. Tell her how much you like her, how cute you think she is. Or while walking her up to the doorstep, or in the car (while you’re driving – preferably a few minutes before reaching her place) – lightly clasp your fingers around her hand – just for a moment, so she will be startled, yet not enough time for her to pull away because you have released her hand before she knew what happened. So you get to show her some physical affection, yet in such a way as to not make her feel uncomfortable. DON’T then tell her how much you love her bla bla bla. She can TELL by your fleeting gesture. If she makes an unhappy face, give her an small shy smile. SHY smile, not LECHEROUS smile lol.
3. When it comes to sleeping with someone, do you believe that it requires the same comfort-level as having sex? I consider sleeping to be JUST sleeping and nothing more. I have slept with girls before, on the same bed, but without any required sexual-contact. Do you believe that in order for you to feel comfortable enough to sleep with someone, that would also be the same comfort level you would need to engage in “other” activities?
For me, sleeping with friends is fine. Same bed, same couch, is fine. We love doing everything together! *starts missing her wacky friends* Just NO BODY CONTACT, be it male or female bedmate, sexual or not.
4. This might sound stupid… but how does one resist the temptation.. or maybe the word is enticement of being physically affectionate to a girl (or boy, if that is your case) you are ‘with’? When I’m to the left of her, I often want to hold her hands. When I’m to the right of her, I often want to put my arms around her shoulders. When I’m behind her, I often want to hold/hug her from behind. However, when I’m in front of her, I find it very rude that I’m walking ahead and ignoring her… at the same time, that’s the only way I’m out-of-each from the temptation of expressing my feelings for her through physical contact. I want to be polite and gentlemanly while maintain my sanity. I would not disagree if you said I lack self-control – because when I’m with her, really, I do.
Well, you could stifle your affection for her for a few dates. Be aloof, be cold. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way for her to realise “Hey, some thing’s missing! Some thing’s up with him!” Then she will ask, “What’s wrong? How come you’re so different?”
THEN you explain to her your dilemma. Do NOT use the term “lack of self-control”. Emphasise “However, when I’m in front of you, I find it very rude that I’m walking ahead and ignoring you… at the same time, that’s the only way I’m out-of-each from the temptation of expressing my feelings for you through physical contact.” .
5. What’s the best way to approach the issue of buying something for her? I want to buy her things sometimes, but I always want it to be a surprize. However, I am a very practical person and would not want to purchase something for someone they will not use/appreciate. Most people would say, “Well, you should know what she likes…” – but honestly, girls have different expectations every 6 seconds, so rather than making a “guess”, I want it to be a well-informed decision. Is it tacky to take her to the place where you want to buy her something and ask? (It isn’t a wedding ring… by then though, I sure as hell should know what she likes!)
Nah, don’t do bring her to the place and ask. Try to gather her interests and what she needs or wants by chatting with her, do it in a roundabout way so she doesn’t know you’re planning of buying anything for her.
For example, “My friends were thinking of buying a farewell present for a long-time female friend, what do you think we should get her?” or “Recently I watched this drama where this girl got a gift from so-and-so and she wasn’t too happy so she chucked it in her closet and forgot about it, and it’s her birthday present! What kind of present you think would suit a girl with her personality?”. Be creative. 😉
If she does pick up on you, you say “Huh? Uh, I wasn’t thinking of buying you anything – I know you’re not that kind of girl.” I know, it’s a little bit of an ouchie – but what’s a lil ouchie for the smile that brightens every bit of your being? 🙂
6. Is it reasonable to want/ask for a date at least once a week? Although I prefer more, she is occupied with school/homework or simply wants to watch her shows/relax/sleep. I try to get her to become more open with the idea of frequent, but short time spent together, to help build enough comfort/topics to talk about. Would you consider once a week to be too long or too short of a time-span?
Once a week is A-ok. More often and soon you may run out of things to talk about. I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but trust me, it will be that way sooner or later – what’s the rush? Give her time to miss you! Time waiting builds excitement! ^^ One of the long-term couples I know (6 years+) only meet up once a week – or twice if time permits – but keep in touch by instant messaging, short and sweet phone calls, text messages and such. If you want to SEE her, there’s always Skype 😛 I know, why Skype when you can just drive over? But hey, Skyping is silly and fun – it’s the small silly things that make a relationship sweet and romantic. “OK, since you don’t want to date me, I’ll date you online then!” – lame jokes like that. 😉