Telling the Truth in a Relationship: Being Moral or Being Stupid?

Today, I pondered this notion… whether telling the truth sometimes is a smart idea. I know plenty of circumstances in life often warrant telling a lie… most common in our family is sometimes we have hidden the passing of an elderly family member from an equally elderly member to prevent them from having to go through the grief and perhaps damage their already fragile/failing health. Whether or not doing something like this is valid and moral, it is up to you to decide where you think “telling the truth” is beneficial.

Relationship: Is telling the truth BENEFICIAL or HARMFUL?

Today, I encountered one of the many times this has happened to me recently in my relationship where telling the truth didn’t always render goodwill or an understanding. I’m finding myself being more drawn-back from wanting to tell the truth to my Bebe. I always believed that in a relationship, one should be truthful about the type of person we are and of course, speak the truth. I particularly find it revolting for people to lie to their boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, significant other, spouse, or what have you… However, recently, I’ve been often trying to hide myself away from telling her things about myself. Ever sinec the initial incident, I’ve tried to avoid conversations of my personal life (to a degree obviously), my experiences or family matters because I have found sometimes she makes judgments and begins to have negative attitudes towards things I say and thus, have sheltered most of our conversations away from those topics.

I made a grave mistake today, bringing up the topic of my mom with her. I love my mom dearly and hold her in high respects, but it is no truth if I say I do not get into fights with her, disagreements, or arguments. I do not “like” or “condone” everything my mom does, so sometimes the differences in opinions generate friction, but does not mean we do not live well under a single household. Oddly enough, the dynamics of this family is truly held together by our two different personalities resulting in a fairly complimentary roles in our family unit.

So… which comes to the point of me telling her about my family and talking about my family. Today, she drew some very negative conclusions about the way I talked about my mom. Maybe you could say I often make conversations more 誇張 (exaggerated) than they really are, but she takes what I say and then holds it against me and gets all upset with me about it. I will admit, I have my downfalls as a person, there are times when some people have chastised me with the way I have spoken with my mom or reacted to something she’s done. I’m not saying I’m the “perfect son” (although would say I am a “good son”), so surely, there sometimes are lines that get crossed. Nevertheless, she was very unhappy with me telling about my conversations with my mom. Suffice to say, I can understand that perhaps she would dare not speak to her own parents that way, but to criticize me seems awkward, especially when she does not know the fully story or the scenarios which led up to the point. In the past, I have criticized her about the way she treats her brothers (including elder ones) and she went all pissy on me about it… and now, she turns around on me and gives me shit for it -__-”

To be fair, neither of us truly understands each others family matters at the moment, so I think it’s unfair for either of us to be calling each other on about how we talk, things we do or the roles we play within our own family structure. That is not to say our families won’t get together or that we do not make a great couple, but that we should hold reservations when it comes to passing judgment. She didn’t get ‘mad’ at listening to me tell her the conversation between my mom and I, but she certainly had a negative word or two to say to me and she’s obviously holding those thoughts in her head now about the way she perceives me. This comes down to my question of how honest should couples be with each other about themselves? This will really make me second-guess whether I want to tell her anything more about myself or events/people around me.

It makes me sad that this is the second instance this has really plopped up in my head. I want our relationship to be open, honest and frank… not filled with mysteries. Although I would not per se, want to being lying to her… I definitely have to “jazz things up” before I tell her things.. make it sound pretty or perhaps tell her in convoluted ways in which it will create a “positive spin” (kind of like politicians… take something bad and actually manage to make it sound good). I prefer not to have things “surprize her” by letting her know the real-deal rather than hiding things from her, but she leaves me little choice because I don’t feel I can express things without it negatively affecting us.

This frustrates me because I dislike lying because I feel it is immoral, especially when it comes to things that represent who I am. I have this want to start turning things I do and say into”a false reality”, where I am “perfect” in her eyes, rather than being the real me where we can learn to accept each others shortcomings. I am not a perfect person, I have done and probably will do things which are wrong. I do not believe it is fair to expect perfection from a person, even if it is a partner or spouse. We all have flaws and having them held against me makes me want to hide these flaws, rather than being truthful and expressing them where we can help one another overcome these obstacles.

It sounds like I’m going in circles now, because I start to feel that telling the truth or expressing the ‘real me’ around her has negative effects. I should start being “fake” or telling only the “pretty parts” of a story and leaving all the realities out. It sometimes makes me think that I should be a fairytale or something. I don’t want to be like that becasue the truth will surface at one point or another. However, if she just wants someone who does everything “right in her eyes”… then I have to start changing the things I say, do or methods of which I express myself. I don’t want to… I detest the notion that I need to… yet, where is the line of rationale and morals?

For the sake of a relationship, is it right to be a person you really aren't?

Should we make ourselves appear to “exactly what our partners want” just to appease them? Is this actually lying or simply a way of jazzing things up and making ourselves appear “better” than we really are? It may be false, but it also does help keep a relationship going. Should we simply be “less” truthful – but not to the point of lying? I haven’t considered how I’m going to tackle this, because this isn’t the first time where my openly-truthful self has caused me to bite my own tongue. It doesn’t make sense that I cannot freely express myself and inner-self to a girl who I truly care about, but at the same time, if it generates negativity and impacts our relationships or her view of me, I rather lie about it and “modify” stories to ‘her liking’ where I come out as the hero, an honourable and FLAWLESS person. That’s unrealistic… but maybe everyone wants a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend…

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on May 7, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Everyone wants a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. Or at least, I know I do. It’s not realistic but seldom are women realistic anyway lol.

    For me, I prefer nothing but the absolute truth from my boyfriend. This has of course, led to several arguments due to our differing views and stuff. However, my boyfriend seems to like them ’cause he thinks a little argument here and there helps “spice up” a relationship. Funnily enough, my ex said the same thing.

    With that being said though, I find myself sometimes editting some parts of a story to avoid having a totally unnecessary fight. If by omitting that one tiny detail that doesn’t really matter much can help avoid a fight, I think that is acceptable.

    I think the bottom line here is still to compromise though. Relationships are built on trust so we still have to keep in mind to be truthful without being hurtful to the other party.

    • HAHAHA, at least you admit that women are seldom realistic XD That’s one winning-point already… but maybe because they’re unrealistic, that’s why I love women 😆 … or wait, no no.. womAn … one, singular! 😀 Cannot be so flower-heart!

      I absolutely do think that arguments add the little touch in a relationship, haha, because through those is how we grow. And also, what’s more fun than making-up afterward and rethinking what we did was so bad and feeling glad to still have each other? That feeling is grandeur! I think most guys don’t “hate” arguments, but we just worry that it causees damage. If the damage is temporary, it is not really a big deal because we just get over it after a while… but if the damage will stay for a period (lol) of time in her head, then I don’t want that. The last thing I want to do is give her more ammunition to throw at me in an argument or start thinking I’m this monster because of things I have done our of error. I cannot think of any normal couple that has never had disagreements or argued… it’s just not realistic to think we’ll have a partner we are 100% compatible with.

      Thanks for your input about editting parts of story to avoid unnecessary fights… I really have to keep that in mind and “pretty up” my stories – perhaps make myself sound better than I really am.. LOL – what girl doesn’t want a guy who ‘appears’ perfect… hahaha.. notice the word ‘appear’ 😀 I guess to an extent, I’ve found in whether in relationships or not, women like being lied to or rather, want a guy that fits the figment of their imaginations to satisfy that part of them!

      I find it hard for me to NOT be truthful with her, because then one day, the ‘truth’ will be revealed anyways. I find that isn’t it more acceptable to slowly “introduce” flaws throughout the relationship, rather than suddenly something “life changing” happens (like moving in together, marriage, etc.) that suddenly they realize the person is TOTALLY different. I don’t want that to happen and I acknowledge I am not perfect and may not treat everyone the way I should, and of course she might not “like” that, but at least it isn’t some “big surprize” later on. But now.. it makes me think if I want to “prepare” her because obviously, she does not seem receptive to my shortcomings… I should start pretending I’m a different person just to keep her happy -__-” … ai.. girls, so ma fan, lol.

  2. Best to sometimes not tell the truth or at least not the “whole” truth… especially if u know it will affect yur relationship. I know u always want to b truthful but it’s not always the ‘best policy’.. kind of like yur situation with telling elderly people about passing of other ppl, rite?

    Kind of like… she probably still does not tell u when she starts “m” rite? When u ask, will she tell? If not, she is not being completely truthful to u either… she is not lying, but she is also “withholding” information, esp. ‘cuz she knows you WANT to know – but she won’t tell u la. I do not think what she does is ‘rite’ but also not ‘wrong’ either… if u ask her, she reali should tell u b’cuz u care about her and that is why u ask and want to know… and u can spoil her too xDD

    U shld not be a “different person” – but u shld definitely give her the impression that u r “the one” by providing to her that u r willing to chg for her, but not become a fundamentally different person b’cuz then when she reali does see the ‘truth’, it will be TOO different for her to handle… I do not believe there is a problem with “prettying up” the situation though 😛

    • Haha, ya, I gotta do that more often not… not like court anymore, “affirm that I will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”… have to start learning how to be dishonest XD or … “less” honest, lol. The thing is, sometimes I tell her things that I don’t THINK will actually have effect and that’s why it happens, lol, not so much that I tell her things that I already ‘think/know’ will have an effect. I’m not stupid enough to do that 😆

      No, she doesn’t tell me when she starts m’ing, but… it has been a while since I asked. I want to ask, but I dunno… like I really do want to know because I feel it is something special to me and shows trust… but at the same time, she does have a ‘right’ not to tell me. That’s where the lines of “privilege” comes into play in a relationship I guess. You are right, she does withhold information from me though, especially stuff she knows I want to know about, lol… and ya, I wouldn’t consider that she’s lying, just not telling me “the details”… You know me so well la, that’s the only reason why it matters to me if she starts m’ing… ‘cuz I can take care of her, spoil her and just the fact of ‘knowing something special’ – something that differentiates me from “other people”. I secretly wonder whether she has her period whenever I go out with her, although she’d probably PURPOSELY avoid me that week if she did >.< GAH, lol.

      I'm going to have to start decorating all my words and pretend to be this 'perfect person' when I'm with her now… hahaha…

  3. minxysmusings

    I can understand withholding information…but why do it when she knows it is something you actually WANT to know. That’s a bit spiteful I think. Then again, maybe she is just really shy about it, though you sound very keen and supportive so I would want to share those things with you…if it were me.

    I agree, somethings are better kept to ones-self, but if your partner outright asks you…then tell…that’s what I say!

    • We did make some head-way… I asked jokingly again the other day and she said she’d tell me when it next came….. now.. that was before when she decided to go into her reclusive-ignoring-game again… I swear I want to know what goes on inside her head. I want to be there for her, obviously not only when she’s having her period, but even when she’s not because I truly care about her. I can understand not every girl I’ve liked means they will reciprocate those feelings, but the difference about her and I is that we have undeniable chemistry, a bond, a connection… whatever you want to call it and even she recognizes that, but yet, she’ll go to all extents to hurt me in ways you cannot imagine. I just don’t get it… it perplexes me… no wonder scientists say that the human mind is so complex, because I don’t understand how she is not even find it in herself to talk to me and treat me like a human being. She may very well treat the ants in her house better than she treats me…

      I’m just too sad right now to have a response that actually replies to what you’ve said…. sorry…

  4. Many say that it is best sometimes to lie or withhold, and i suppose in a world of corruption and deciet this sort of behavior is best, I have been guilty of it several times in my lifetime, however, now we come to the effect of this action upon our own health and the weight of this burden, oh yes we do well for a while we just say to ourselves “whew got out of that” sadly even should this issue may never rear its ugly head again we are left with our own judgement of ourselves, sure we are tough we can handle it, after all we got away with it didnt we and we talked ourselves out of it, only when we sit and study what we have done do we come to the realization that not only have we lied but we have cheated someone out of the truth, their right to know, their right to be equal, this burden can sometimes be carried to the grave, what effect might this have upon our life, if we lie to our partner then we must live a guarded life, watching our very action, senseless mind searching constantly as we must choose each word spoken to make sure that the realy facts do not come out, Some are able to do this, I am not. And truly what sort of life do we really have when we choose to lie, we can go on and perhaps not lose our partner if we just keep it hidden, from personal experience i can tell you this nothing will stay hidden forever, it will eventually come out even after we are dead and gone, what an effect that will have on those we kept the truth from and from those we lied to. how will i memory be revered, oh yea i know it wont matter as we are dead and gone, but our goal in life is to leave a legacy to be remembered for something is it not. I would rather them say he was an honest person than to say wow thought he was honest but it turned out he was just a liar after all .

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