Telling the Truth in a Relationship: Being Moral or Being Stupid?
Today, I pondered this notion… whether telling the truth sometimes is a smart idea. I know plenty of circumstances in life often warrant telling a lie… most common in our family is sometimes we have hidden the passing of an elderly family member from an equally elderly member to prevent them from having to go through the grief and perhaps damage their already fragile/failing health. Whether or not doing something like this is valid and moral, it is up to you to decide where you think “telling the truth” is beneficial.
Today, I encountered one of the many times this has happened to me recently in my relationship where telling the truth didn’t always render goodwill or an understanding. I’m finding myself being more drawn-back from wanting to tell the truth to my Bebe. I always believed that in a relationship, one should be truthful about the type of person we are and of course, speak the truth. I particularly find it revolting for people to lie to their boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, significant other, spouse, or what have you… However, recently, I’ve been often trying to hide myself away from telling her things about myself. Ever sinec the initial incident, I’ve tried to avoid conversations of my personal life (to a degree obviously), my experiences or family matters because I have found sometimes she makes judgments and begins to have negative attitudes towards things I say and thus, have sheltered most of our conversations away from those topics.
I made a grave mistake today, bringing up the topic of my mom with her. I love my mom dearly and hold her in high respects, but it is no truth if I say I do not get into fights with her, disagreements, or arguments. I do not “like” or “condone” everything my mom does, so sometimes the differences in opinions generate friction, but does not mean we do not live well under a single household. Oddly enough, the dynamics of this family is truly held together by our two different personalities resulting in a fairly complimentary roles in our family unit.
So… which comes to the point of me telling her about my family and talking about my family. Today, she drew some very negative conclusions about the way I talked about my mom. Maybe you could say I often make conversations more 誇張 (exaggerated) than they really are, but she takes what I say and then holds it against me and gets all upset with me about it. I will admit, I have my downfalls as a person, there are times when some people have chastised me with the way I have spoken with my mom or reacted to something she’s done. I’m not saying I’m the “perfect son” (although would say I am a “good son”), so surely, there sometimes are lines that get crossed. Nevertheless, she was very unhappy with me telling about my conversations with my mom. Suffice to say, I can understand that perhaps she would dare not speak to her own parents that way, but to criticize me seems awkward, especially when she does not know the fully story or the scenarios which led up to the point. In the past, I have criticized her about the way she treats her brothers (including elder ones) and she went all pissy on me about it… and now, she turns around on me and gives me shit for it -__-”
To be fair, neither of us truly understands each others family matters at the moment, so I think it’s unfair for either of us to be calling each other on about how we talk, things we do or the roles we play within our own family structure. That is not to say our families won’t get together or that we do not make a great couple, but that we should hold reservations when it comes to passing judgment. She didn’t get ‘mad’ at listening to me tell her the conversation between my mom and I, but she certainly had a negative word or two to say to me and she’s obviously holding those thoughts in her head now about the way she perceives me. This comes down to my question of how honest should couples be with each other about themselves? This will really make me second-guess whether I want to tell her anything more about myself or events/people around me.
It makes me sad that this is the second instance this has really plopped up in my head. I want our relationship to be open, honest and frank… not filled with mysteries. Although I would not per se, want to being lying to her… I definitely have to “jazz things up” before I tell her things.. make it sound pretty or perhaps tell her in convoluted ways in which it will create a “positive spin” (kind of like politicians… take something bad and actually manage to make it sound good). I prefer not to have things “surprize her” by letting her know the real-deal rather than hiding things from her, but she leaves me little choice because I don’t feel I can express things without it negatively affecting us.
This frustrates me because I dislike lying because I feel it is immoral, especially when it comes to things that represent who I am. I have this want to start turning things I do and say into”a false reality”, where I am “perfect” in her eyes, rather than being the real me where we can learn to accept each others shortcomings. I am not a perfect person, I have done and probably will do things which are wrong. I do not believe it is fair to expect perfection from a person, even if it is a partner or spouse. We all have flaws and having them held against me makes me want to hide these flaws, rather than being truthful and expressing them where we can help one another overcome these obstacles.
It sounds like I’m going in circles now, because I start to feel that telling the truth or expressing the ‘real me’ around her has negative effects. I should start being “fake” or telling only the “pretty parts” of a story and leaving all the realities out. It sometimes makes me think that I should be a fairytale or something. I don’t want to be like that becasue the truth will surface at one point or another. However, if she just wants someone who does everything “right in her eyes”… then I have to start changing the things I say, do or methods of which I express myself. I don’t want to… I detest the notion that I need to… yet, where is the line of rationale and morals?
Should we make ourselves appear to “exactly what our partners want” just to appease them? Is this actually lying or simply a way of jazzing things up and making ourselves appear “better” than we really are? It may be false, but it also does help keep a relationship going. Should we simply be “less” truthful – but not to the point of lying? I haven’t considered how I’m going to tackle this, because this isn’t the first time where my openly-truthful self has caused me to bite my own tongue. It doesn’t make sense that I cannot freely express myself and inner-self to a girl who I truly care about, but at the same time, if it generates negativity and impacts our relationships or her view of me, I rather lie about it and “modify” stories to ‘her liking’ where I come out as the hero, an honourable and FLAWLESS person. That’s unrealistic… but maybe everyone wants a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend…
Posted on May 7, 2010, in Personal and tagged Blog, Ethics, Family, Family Life, Girlfriend, Lies, Life, Morals, My Life, Opinion, People, Personal, Relationship, Truth. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.