Flame Under My Ass

Thought I wouldn’t write today since I expected to be out until later at night, however, I’m home – just had my dinner after a short boxing session. Now I’m sitting in front of my computer, typing this blog after watching with my mom a show called “Big Boys Club” or “兄弟幫” in Chinese. I often catch sections of this show and the whole show revolves around “experienced” men (of all ages, generally celebrities) talking about a chosen episode-topic and it is a discussion based upon very frank and straightforward answers. The whole idea is if you’re a participant on the show, whatever gets asked, you tell. A lot of them involve every-day things and often illicit some extremely personal questions or opinions. Nevertheless, I’m surprized at how many participants truly pour their hearts out. Anyways, before what I’m saying will make sense, let’s hold off and tell you my story for the day…

After work, my girlfriend and I were supposed to do a bit of chair shopping, since I recently set up her computer on her desk and now she really needs a proper chair to sit up straight. Yesterday, we had spent a great day together, setting her “new” computer up, rearranging some furniture, learning how to shoot/holster, getting some stuff done on her laptop, eating and of course, lots of talking. It was a very thrilling day and although at times I still had problems controlling my need of physical affection, I cannot complain that all-in-all, it was a very productive and satisfying day. We have been chair-hunting for a while and before I left for the night, she asked me whether we could meet up again tomorrow (as in “today”) and the cutest thing ever she asked said right after was, “Is that too soon?” You can imagine, that I never think it is too soon to see her, haha.. if I had the choice, I’d want to be there for her 24/7 😀 So we arranged to go to a store to pick up the chair she’s been eyeing for a while.

Today, I had been looking forward to the end of work all day, expecting another wonderful day… perhaps this does show one person cannot have ‘too much luck’ all in a single week. Suffice to say, today was definitely not as great as yesterday and who’s “fault” it was is irrelevant and unnecessary. Before work ended, I had saw a bag of Sun Chips and a can of Pepsi, which I knew was her fav, so I picked them both up and left with them. When I got to her house, I gave her the snacks just as a small little treat for the ride to the store. The ride wasn’t long, but sometimes when you really feel affectionate towards sometimes, you find small ways just to let them know you’re always thinking about them. Maybe she saw it as “just food” and didn’t see the hidden meaning underneath it – but it was because I cared about her and always have her in my heart, therefore, even something as small as picking her up – I brought something for her!

When we got to the store, we mulled around for a few minutes before heading to the chair section. Upon arriving, we noticed that the chair she wanted, we proceeded to try out a couple others which were on-sale and thought perhaps one of those would suffice. We were told the chair she wanted (called the “79.99”-chair because we didn’t bother getting the name) wouldn’t be in until next week, so I had them check others stores, but to no avail. We were in there for quite a while and just ‘trying’ the chairs alone was a whole 45 minutes back-and-forth between the two chairs that were deemed “decently suitable”… however, one was quite a bit more expensive and the cheaper one didn’t provide her with the arm-support she wanted. Finally she finished playing around with the chairs and gave me this really dissatisfied look. Understandably, after coming all this way to get the chair, only to find out it wasn’t available is a bit dejecting.

Mind you, I was not angry at the fact she took a long time (not) picking-out a chair, because I am generally pretty patient (especially with girls) and watching her try out chairs WAS really fun. I should also mention today that I finally had this crazy revelation that I drool over my girlfriend… like really, she just used to be more or less cute and beautiful to me… and now the more I look at her, she’s becoming just downright sexy. Ok, so it’s nothing unusual for a boyfriend to drool over his girlfriend, but it was just “recently” that it finally has hit that point, haha…. so now she’s this awesome combination of cute, beautiful, and sexy. Anyways, let’s move on back to the original story…

I wonder if it’s true that people begin to take others for granted or don’t show the same level of appreciation as they once do when they’re together for a while. I asked her what she wanted to do after, hoping that she’d perhaps want to wander around somewhere nearby. She asked me if I had anything in mind, and I said, how about ____ mall? She said she had nothing to buy there so she didn’t want to go and asked me if I had to buy something there. I said no and she then said let’s just go home. I think at that point, I eyes just shot back to the back of my skull, because it was just yesterday that I reminded her that when we go places or see each other, it was just to spend time with each other, not necessarily because we go to a mall it must mean we have to have a purchasing objective. Nevertheless, I sighed and she still didn’t catch on. Sometimes I find she doesn’t “get my hints” and maybe that’s just because we haven’t been together long enough. I’m a very “visually surfaced” person, as in, it’s pretty obvious to tell my mood just by looking at me, unless I’m explicitly trying to hide it and in this case, I wasn’t.

So I proceeded to drive her back home, still miffed about the fact that it almost like she’s starting to take things for granted. I always try to find a balance to “treating girls like a princess” yet not trying to let them fall into the “princess syndrome”. Of course I truly care about her, I want to spoil her, I want to be the one she depends on, I want to be around her, even if it is something as simple as buying groceries, but I want her to still feel appreciative of things I do for her. I’m not asking her to grovel at my feet and treat me like a king, but I just think that she should know that I did purposely pick her up from her house, drive her to the store (which is actually on the opposite-side of town by MY house), and then of course offer to drive her back home… however, I felt it was very inconsiderate when she didn’t even think of me and want to spend some time with me at the mall, even if it was aimless wandering. I’m not “keeping track” and saying who owes who what, but certainly, I don’t want her to feel as if I’ve become her slave who doesn’t “deserve” anything beyond helping her and then taking her home.

On the way back, I really expected a bit of cheering up or in Cantonese, we call it “tum” (sorry, the character is too difficult for me to know how to write it, haha), for me… after all, it miffed me that she didn’t show any appreciation and just cared about going home since the chair wasn’t available… what happened to just enjoying time with me somewhere else? But anyways, as we pulled off the highway, 5 minutes from her house, I asked her what’s wrong. Then she asked me return what’s wrong >.> as if she couldn’t have asked that before I asked her – BLAH! I know that as a guy, it is our responsibility to “tum” the girl… but given a gender equality society we live in, I don’t think it’s ‘wrong’ to expect the girl to return the favour once in a while, especially if I was unhappy 😦

So as we arrived back at her house, I asked her whether she wanted me to come in or not. Luckily the saving grace was she said, “Sure, if you want.” although in a way it would’ve been nice for her to be more enthusiastic and be like “Sure, of course I do!” but hey – I guess you can’t ask for too much from luck sometimes. It was still a pretty quiet time, whether walking to her house or even in her room. Her first words were pretty much telling me not to sit on the “head” side of the bed, and I’m not sure whether that was for sanitary reasons or to continue spiting me :s I got rather bored doing stuff on my own laptop because all that was going through my head was all the stuff that happened, so I decided to ask to play Sims 2 on her computer and build a house since yesterday when we were playing, I didn’t want to hog the computer while she played the characters. Since today, she was doing some prep work for school, I had the liberty of being on the computer.

With this said, I want everyone to understand and know that I’m upset with her actions, I’m NOT upset with her as a person. In Chinese, the phrase “對事唔對人” comes to mind. I think some people might be confused as how someone could be “angry at a situation” but not the person because since the person is invoking the action to begin with. However, that is just what I am – I am not happy with what she done, but I am not unhappy with who she is as an individual. This comes to my usual question of whether a girl should likewise “cheer up” a guy if he’s not happy. Surely, it is most common to believe that it is a guy’s job to do it for the girl, but there may be times it warrants a bit of nudge-nudge-grin-grin from the girl to the guy as well!

My mom was always the type of woman who did not “take hints” well.. a lot of the times, she needs things laid out for her specifically. That was one thing my dad always told my mom she needed to improve on, was the fact that some things don’t need to be “said aloud” but rather, “taking hints” or being “tactful” (or 圓滑) is an important to an individual. Maybe I “expect” certain things to take place and I’m disappointed even more when it doesn’t. I did expect a bit of asking about my regards and a bit of cheering up from her when she saw I was upset, but all she did really was stare out the window. I have certainly known some people who are extremely “smooth” and can “talk their way” out of a situation. Sometimes when it comes to resolution, it really does come down to ‘defusing’ the situation. Sure, I might have been angry at one point, but all it takes sometimes is a word to change all that. I can’t be mad at her long, in fact, I feel better now after boxing anyways. Am I unhappy at what happened? Of course… but I’m not going to hold it against her for long and after a sleep, I’ll probably get over it anyways.

Back to my previous comments about the show, the “Big Boys Club”… there was one part that one of the participants said something really true and it really inspired me and suddenly I could feel myself calming down from this matter. He said, “女仔係帶返屋企錫” or literally translated is, “Girls is to return home to be kissed”…. – lol, and to translate it into the actual logical meaning, it is to say that “Girls are meant to be taken home to be loved.” and although my girlfriend has provided me with countless hours of anger, frustration and upset moments (and probably will continue to do that), I cannot deny that deep within me that she makes me happy, completes my life and is someone I truly care about and one day, love. On a good note is the fact that although she has told me that for the following 4 weeks, she’ll be enrolled in a Drivers Ed course (and therefore has no time for me on her usual ‘free’ day), she also told me that she’d probably be free on Thursday to spend time with me. Ahh… how she knows how to make me happy again 😛 I feel blessed to have her – it really is an amazing gift from the heavens!

She lit a flame under my ass today and it was not one of our “best moments” together… but just as I always remind her, every moment we get to spend together should be cherished, for better OR worse! I have to admit…. I can’t survive without her and she’s on my mind all the time… even when my eyes are closed and resting, every beat of my heart is just for her!

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on May 13, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Tralalalala ~~~ Nice post. Especially the part on your girlfriend. > 🙂 Keep your cool, and its good to remember that the “bad moments” will keep repeating again and again – its up to you to man up and bear it, because you know everything else she does is perfection 😛 ALWAYS bear in mind that its not all about YOU, and try to think from HER point of view. She’s not the average girl. She’s unique and different from any other girl you know. So give some leverage for her “bad parts”, alright? No one is perfect 😉

    Anyway, she probably stares out the window because she senses your dissatisfaction, but doesn’t know how to address the issue. She might know her mistake, but is too proud to admit it, or simply to shy, or too naive to know how to apologise to you. She feels awkward. Hence the silence and looking away. *my 2 cents. :P*

    • Haha yup, I don’t ever expect or even BELIEVE in ‘perfectly compatible relationships/partners” and it’s not like I imagine a life free of disagreements. After all, we are both individuals who have our own mindsets and personalities, so not everything we will agree on. I think it’d be rather boring if we agreed on everything – lol, there’d be nothing to bring us the highs and lows of a relationship! I think over previous relationships, I’ve learned that the best way to deal with these things is never to react on the girl herself, and rather, I take it home, vent it out of me rather than yelling at her. I think it’s unfair for me to yell at her anyways and I don’t think I could bear to… it’d hurt me more than it would hurt her! It sucks being a guy sometimes, why can’t she coddle me a bit too? 😛 hahaha.

      You’re damn right everything else she does it perfection – lol – I mean… like I got this HUGE satisfaction of watching her jump from chair-to-chair, haha.. my heart melted, I could see the slush on the ground 😀 I think she’s starting to illicit feelings from me kind of like when you look at your boytoy 😆 I can’t even describe it, it is just like this rush of 50,000 emotions! HHUUURRR – just want to grab her, pin her up against the wall and go beast mode on her, RAWR! Of course that’s not going to happen >.> fuck my life.

      She’s definitely not the average girl, lol, she’s a lot harder to get than those XD I wonder if it’s because I like challenges, hahaha. But really, it’s just because she’s grown up in a different environment and such. I was just talking to one of my coworkers who’s a twice-married mother and has kids who are just entering the dating scene now, so she’s seen it all! She definitely thinks I’m on the right path when it comes to learning her mentality and personality and being sensitive to our differences in relationship expectations. She actually said the same thing as you, it is just a “matter of time” before her emotions suddenly explode and surface… haha.. a girl can only take so much lovin’ before it finally opens up the chest of emotions 😀 It’ll be an exciting day when that happens for me! She is perfection in my eyes anyways – because perfection isn’t defined by simply the actions she takes, but because she’s SO AMAZING!

      Heh, maybe you’re right about the reason why she stared out…. I don’t think she’s “too proud” to admit it, she’s not that type of girl and I know that she would stand up to her mistakes. I’m not sure whether I would consider this a mistake, it is just simply differences in opinion on how to treat one another. Every person will define our methods of treating people and it’s hard to put your finger on what is considered “right” and “wrong” – unless we’re talking about something downright cruel like hurting someone physically. In some people’s eyes, maybe just not saying anything and staring out the window was the correct approach! Maybe I just wouldn’t mind if she “dea haa” me once in a while and latch on to my arms XD Ya, I’m livin’ in a fairytale world, lol.

      Nevertheless, she has said somethings recently about us that really did make me consider the fact she’s a lot more logical than I am. I can be equated to the typical woman, thinking a lot with emotions rather than being logical/rational. For me, I can think rationally up to the point of falling for a while and henceforth, I’m a slave to emotions and love. Her on the other hand, she has made not to me that sometimes I do not give her credit for trying to bring us together. I know I nag her a lot about how I feel and stuff, and she’s right – had it not been her commitment to trying to get this relationship to work out, things would still be in shambles right now. I do feel EXTREMELY grateful that she took that step, saw some “potential” in me to help make this relationship work. One day, I will look back and realize that if it wasn’t for her, we wouldn’t be together and have such a happy family. She’s logical when it comes to things she points out to me, after all, her actions do speak the truth in that she is trying to bring herself to the comfort level which I desire and that’s very sweet of her. I just wish I could utilize the same logic sometimes, because my mind/heart is always filled with thinking using emotions and what I ‘feel’ rather than thinking – “Hey, she really is putting forth effort in the relationship!” … come to think of it, I ought to show my appreciation more now.

      Thanks Poh Ching for teaching me a lesson in humility… surely now, I complain about her lack of appreciation for me, but I also don’t show enough to her to let her know that I DO know she’s trying hard to make things work out. I want to squeeze her right now 🙂

  2. Every failure is a success in itself and you learn from it! As she gets to know u better, she will probably be able to gauge yur moods and know the proper things to say. For now, it is probably easier for her juz not to say nething so u dun get even more mad. It is also hard for her bcuz she’s so used to u coddling her that it is hard to take the initiative to return it – not necessarily bcuz she doesn’t “feel” it. It is very diff for a girl to tum u though, especially for one who does not fully know what will make u smile yet. I know u r fairly simple to make happy, one or two words will put a smile on yur face, but I hv also known u for many years!

    I agree with yur frd PC… after all, if she said something that angered u more, it would just make it worse. Rmbr that she is a girl who ‘plays it safe’… better to not say anything to let the situation wash down is probably her thought. A relationship has to have a balance of ‘tum’ing’ back n’ forth… juz that u shld know the girls so much easier to spoil and make happy xDD Yur so good at making girls happy lor – haha, maybe she just isn’t as open to showing u that u do make her tingle-tingle deep down inside!

    It is so sweet-sweet to listen to u talk about her… wish Josh would still sweet-talk me nowadays xDD I’m very lucky if he doesn’t complain about how much time I want to spend with him… 😆

    • 🙂 I always like hearing everyone’s opinion… I’m just one person and only one mind, often, people will come up with better advice and thoughts than I will! My friends know me well too, so they can open my eyes to see things that sometimes I am blind to seeing! Thanks for your thoughts.

      Hehe, I love sweet talking her, especially when she goes all quiet and gets all shy about it XD She’s much more receptive to flirting over messages than she is in person, haha… I guess most people do find it more comfortable and easier to “speak their minds” over messages more than in person. For me, anything I’d say online, I’d probably say in person too 😛 I figure if there’s something that’s comfortable enough for me to type up to her, I’d also have the guys to say/do in person 😀 Actions speak louder than words, hehe.

      Talking to Cherilyn from work, she says she can, “See the glimmer and pride in your eyes when you talk about her.” and I think she’s very right, lol. I feel so proud of her, just for her being her – it sounds weird since it isn’t like there’s something she accomplished that makes me proud, but there’s something inside me that makes me gleam with pride! I love the aura she gives off, makes me oh-so-happy! 😆 Do I sound love-stricken? Ya probably… HAHAHA.

      • So slow replying to my messages lor… whatcha doing, talking to her? haha…

        Only a few more hours ’til work is over, kekekekeke.

        • Haha, playing game ma… not talking to her, she’s hiding on me probably while she plays her games or watches drama XD or maybe catching up on homework… although it IS Friday night so I hope she’s not doing homework 😛 I don’t want to hog her too much, haha, we did spend 2 days this week together so I like to give her some time to herself and her own personal space. She brings up the topic of needing that quite often so it’s a good hint to me that she doesn’t want to be an extension of my body, LOL… which makes sense – nothing worse than being overbearing.

          Maybe she’s a bit mad at me ‘cuz of yesterday and I don’t blame her… so rather than poke the bear, it’s always good to have some time for us to recompose our thoughts and feelings 🙂 The only way people ever miss one another is to actually be apart sometimes… keeps things “fresh” from her words, haha.

          Good, when you’re done work, come keep me company 😀

          However, I think it’d be a good idea to take advantage of the fact I don’t have to stay up late! Past while we’ve done a lot of talking and it has really pushed my sleeping hours. It’ll be nice to get some extra shut-eye and not feel a wee bit guilty leaving her before we can finish talking XD

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  4. Oops, sorry forgot to respond to this thread la.

    You’re sleeping so early now xDD she doing her own thing so now u don’t hv to stay up? aww… that means u can’t talk to me either 😦 U shouldn’t need to feel like u hv to stay up late just to talk to her, it is bad for yur body, esp coz u need to work next day too. U r lucky ga that u dun hv to get up early next day if u dun want to b’coz I have to, lol.

    Yes, give her time to miss u ar, haha… I dun think it’s proper to say she’ll get ‘bored’ or ‘tired’ of u, but everyone needs time to handle their own things, esp ‘coz she’s probably not used to seeing someone so often. After all, she isn’t the super-social type and she probably has not been doing steady dates, so for her to see a single guy two days in a row probably blows her mind 😆

    This is probably her first time in-person seeing when u r angry ma? If so, maybe she’s more “worried” abt u than angry… remember not everyone knows u for a long time and has seen u get mad 😛 As long as u r a upright person and have a valid reason to b angry and not unreasonable, it is fair. I kno tho that even if she is wrong, u would never blame her neways, lol…. I kno u too well… u will juz end up blaming yourself 😐

    • Ya… it has been 4 days since I’ve “seen” her on MSN… it’s kinda sad, hope it’s not another 3-4 months again…. maybe I’m not being 長進 enough? Haha.. but she definitely gives me the 勇氣 to carry forth. It is not easy, but I know that we can do it! I hope that it is not going to be another long ignorning period again because those 6 months before was pure hell… everyday was heartache, stress and feeling like I couldn’t breathe, and it wasn’t body/physically induced, it was emotional. Nevertheless, even if worse case scenario that it is, I will still bear it and climb up the mountain. If the mountain grows another mile, I will climb another mile. You can tell she definitely means a lot to me. Not only that, but it’s because we BOTH can actually see a future with each other and that is why we try so hard. Let this not be for futility.

      I stay up a bit for her, but I do have my limits too. Most nights she usually stays up later than me and when it hits about 2-3AM, I usually tell her I need to sleep. She never makes a big deal out of it anyways, because that only leaves me with 5 hours before having to wake up and go to work. I can’t sleep into the afternoon like she can 😛 and I think she recognizes that. She’s never chastised me for leaving on her anyways. I usually will sleep in a bit if I talk to her late 😛 although ya, it is bad for my body. I find myself being more tired now and it’s bad for driving because I lose focus… or maybe that’s because driving the same road everyday is boring, LOL.

      HAHA, I always recognized that our beginning we will likely have a very rocky start. She told me the other day anyways that even the guys she has fallen for before, it has taken her a long-long time and because she wants time to evaluate whether a guy is suitable for her. To me, this is an indication that deep down inside, it’s a sign for me to “hang on” even though sometimes I feel so overcome by obstacles. She gives me that power to continue pursuing her, even though it is just SO much harder than any other girl I’ve had to put effort into. Nevertheless, clearly that is what makes me so attracted to her is because of her personality and beauty. She isn’t willing to just “jump in” and that gives me less of a reason that I need to ever worry she will cheat on me whether during a relationship/after marriage. She is committed and although at times she makes me second-guess that, I know that’s the reason why she plays it safe and takes a long time to analyze me, because she wants to know she’s getting THE right one.

      Yes, this is probably the first time I’ve been visibly angry, but it’s not as explosive as the ones you’ve seen me in, LOL. I don’t think I could act that way towards her, it is just too hard … it would end up containing itself before it hit that point. I still tell myself every time I have to “act like the perfect person” in front of her. I slipped, it was my mistake. I think using the word “angry” throughout this post and comments isn’t fair… I don’t think I was angry, I was upset and that’s over anyways. I told hold grudges for very long, lol.. or at least not towards girls… or my girlfriend for that matter 😛 If it was a guy, it wouldn’t be pretty… hahaha.

      I’m yawning right now and it’s like 9:40AM. I think I’m just emotionally stressed out whether she’s going to go into withdrawal phase again. I woke up and feels like I couldn’t breathe, even though it’s not like I have lung issues. Kinda like when you’re choking for air, even though there’s plenty of it around me! I know I get worried over small things and heck, could be a only a few days before she feels ready again. I think it’s best now that when we get together, we have a “theme” (lol) or a defined plan because she seems to like that much more. On Wednesday, when we did computer + gunning, she had a hell of a good time and I could tell by the smile on her face. On Thursday, we had less of a “planned” objective so that’s probably why. Next time, I did promise her we’d go for Malaysian food out in Markham, so each time, I’m going to have to think of something cool and exciting for us to take part in to keep things fresh 😛

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