Overwhelming Depression

Today, there’s a lot to be happy about….. actually, just being alive is a blessing everyday, one that many of us, take for granted. When we’re alive, we have just as much to moan about as we do worrying about dying. Those who are enlightened enough not to fear death are truly the ones who live to the fullest extent. With that said, these are one of the less happier days even though there is so much cause for happiness.

Waking up in the morning today, I felt tired as usual, much due to the fallout of Thursday last week. From then to today, my sleeps have not been as energizing as they once were. I do not wake up each day with a sense of strength each day but instead, another day of fear… fear of the negativity surrounding our relationship, fear that she will do something hasty, fear that I cannot control myself and fear that if I keep stressing over things, I’ll end up causing myself to get cancer or something. The #1 cancer-causing agent in the body, is stress and I have plenty of it.

I remember the days where my Mom and Dad would be in the living room or in the car where they’d retell their love story. My dad would always leave out one part of the story, but which my mom had to dutifully fill in. My maternal grandmother at the time, disliked my father. Although my mom and dad played very much “by the rules” – picked her up, had her back home on time and safely, made sure to bring gifts when visiting, my dad was not very well liked. Remembering when my dad proposed the idea of marrying my mother to my maternal grandmother, she initially was against it. However, we all know the power of love and that the fact both my mom and dad was going to do it whether it was consented or not. However, my dad once did say to my grandmother that he would kill himself if she did not let him marry my mother.

I always thought to myself, what foolish man would suicide over a lover. Today, the 2nd time of relationship despair, I wondered if what my father said is not so crazy anymore. No, I am not suicidal and I’m not about to jump off a building, there’s still rationality within me. Nevertheless, I can fully understand what it feels like to be hurt so deeply by relationship that one would consider life not worth living. It was only a month or two ago that her and I began to talk again and already, we have stepped backward. For all the progress we made, she has reverted to hiding in her little cubby hole. I am frustrated to no end and I’m not sure hitting the boxing bag really gets the anger out of me anymore. Firing 80 shots repeatedly until my fingers hurt don’t seem to give me that stress relief. Even if someone were to cut me off and I went road-rage on them and killed them, I would still not feel satisfied. I am in a deep state of wondering how one human could inflict so much damage on another one, including the damage that has been done to me. Why should I not hurt others when it is so rightful for someone else to do the same to me? Yes, this is completely irrational and I’m sure by the time I finish this post, this will no longer apply.

After work, I drove to the top of the mountain today and screamed as loud as I could and that gave my mind time to wind down. I hate the world right now, I hate the idea that there is a God because if there is an his intention was for humans to suffer, he’s got that right. I am suffering in deep misery right now and it has made me question whether life is really as grand as we all make it out to be. Is it so fun that I have to be ignored by a girl who I deeply care about, is that what my life is supposed to be? Tell me oh-God-of-infinite-wisdom why I was born, why was I not one of the lucky ones who never learned to feel pain and just have died when I was born (or even before)? Although I am not suicidal, I would be lying if I told people that killing myself to rid me of these relationship pains have not crossed my mind at one point. I always watched those TVB series where people would stand on top of a mountain or beach and just scream until they could scream no more. I thought one would have to be crazy to believe that brings relief… but it does.

Rewind a bit was my slightly happy moment when I got to work and opened my office door… there she was in all her glory, the XFX Radeon HD 5870 I’ve been waiting for, sitting on my desk – put there by my boss! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been drooling for days and I think had it not been for all my relationship troubles the past few days, I would have been a bit more excited. I did thank my boss for such a wonderful gift, but I wish I was in a better mood to really feel the moment of happiness. No, it is not possible… it is consumed by the overwhelming desire that I wanted to throw to box out the window because all these materialistic things that we think bring us happiness truly don’t. What is this… this item mean to me, when I don’t even deserve to be spoken to by my girlfriend? I spent most of my day staring at my monitor as that’s all I could bear to concentrate on.

My happy moment of the day was when one of my coworkers caught my less-than-cheery mood. We closed the door and she sat in my office for an hour and we talked and I poured my heart out to her. I think by the end, she looked like she could cry too from being so touched at all the things I had to say. She’s a young and beautiful woman who has gone through a divorce and has finally found out the realities of a relationship. She said that when people are young, their goals in a relationship is much different than between two matured individuals. What you look for is more practical than through the fairy tale dreams. She said she wouldn’t’ have it “any other way” to her current relationship where her husband is 10 years older, the total opposite of her and where they get into long and heated arguments… but at the end of the day, they’re proud parents to two lovely kids and a loving marriage. She brought into perspectives the reality of two individuals forming a family and that what people expect of each other is much different than every little girl’s dream of being whisked away to the “Happily Ever After” world.

She does not deny that the chemistry and dynamics are what uphold her and her husband’s relationship, even though they have very differing views. Likewise, I apply it to my own relationship such that there is an irrefutable amount of chemistry, albeit the disagreements and arguing. At the end of the day, I can vent as much as possible through my blog, to friends or to the sorry punching bag that has to deal with my rage, but I care about her very much and she simply is the way she is. She inspired me to think about whether my relationship with my girlfriend is simply out of lustful desire or true compassion and understanding. I felt empowered after chatting with her, because through the past 5 days of me being brushed aside once again, she’s reawaken my powers to carry on. It is not easy and those who have fought tooth-and-nail for your significant other can relate to my pain. Some relationships comes together easily and some come together with a FUCK LOAD of work – but both have a common ground – to love and care for one another ’til death do them part.

I for one, have decided I will not quit although I have thought about it. My coworker shared many of the advice that many of my concerned readers gave me – commitment and patience. Words make it sound easy, but after going through 6 months prior to this of being cast aside, I could tell them anxiety, pain and DAILY mind-fuck that she has caused. There is a Chinese saying, “食唔安, 坐唔落” (Can not eat peacefully, can not sit peacefully) and imagine going through that for half a year, while still trying to go about daily-life and you can feel just a morsel of my pain. And now you wonder why I feel life is not worth living? I breathe in hard though, her words were clear to me… “Do not give up.” … and I shall not! Perhaps in a way, I am mad at myself for over-spoiling her and allowing her to think it’s right to treat me like this.. but no amount of blame ever softens the pain that the heart feels. Every day is a living hell until we can speak normally to each other again… when that will be, I don’t know… I do not wish to act hastily and I want to wait until a time of her choosing, but I will not stand idly by either.

It is almost laughable that in a way, I’m glad my workplace has a comprehensive medical coverage policy. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad of an idea, not because I have a psychological disorder, but just someone to listen to me talk. There’s only a few of my friends who I involve in my relationship ups/downs and they are certainly not always available. Perhaps a bit of encouragement, motivation and giving me back a sense of self-worth as a human-being with feelings is what I need from a doctor, haha. Suffice to say, I don’t need a psychiatrist… all I need is my family and her, that is all I ask. In a way, I find it freaky that I feel more PAINED over this than I do with the deathly absence of my father. Although I miss him greatly, I feel rather guilty that she can bring so much more pain than the death of my own dad.

I tell myself not to give up, not to think too much, go about my daily life normally, not to take my anger out on others because they don’t deserve it and a bunch of other “positive motivators” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to endure this a day at a time and quite frankly, I actually realized why it is so easy to want to take the easy-way-out. I think after all this, I ought to work at one of the kids help hotlines because I have gone through all this. It suddenly dawned upon me why (as invalid as it may seem) kids would ever want to do self-inflicted injuries. Today when I sat there looking out my window, I wanted to punch it so I could feel the pain of hurting myself. I wondered what idiot (yes, me) would actually consider doing that? I remember one of my friends who went kind of nutty one time told me that because he was so depressed that he’d often enjoy cutting himself, smashing himself in the face or jumping off high places and I thought it was weird that anyone would WANT to feel pain… and now I realize, when you go through emotional pain, that physical pain seems like a walk in the park. I never quite understood why I hear about people who willingly hurt themselves and now I understand.

I suppose many of those people who end up on those hotlines are those who have suffered it first-hand before. It takes someone who’s really been there to know how these feelings feel. It is not something that can be taught in school or described in a seminar, one must feel and have experienced it to know the damage that distraught can cause. This isn’t even close to a scenario of a 1-day argument, this is long-term damage that will take a long time, if ever, to mend. Although at some point or another we will begin to talk again, in the back of my mind, I wonder if she’ll revert to the same state like this now. How many times will she do this to me? What will it take to stop her from doing this? Does she need to learn? What influences her to make such rash decisions like this? Is there someone influencing her and talking bad things about me? How can I help her so that her obligations to other things don’t affect us? We all have obligations, I need to go to work, but doesn’t mean I can’t balance her in my life. She has school, but it doesn’t mean she can’t balance me either… she just chooses not to, i.e ignoring me and then the second some other obligations comes up, then I’m just a piece that gets “set aside for later”. It is frustrating that I’m even starting to view myself as being so insignificant that something like watching a movie, playing a game or talking to her friends has more value than I do. I truly hope she will not play the ignoring-game as long as she did last time. I was once such a self-confident person… what has happened to me….?

The only thing that made me smile for longer than 5 seconds today were these pictures I caught in my front yard…. I’m not a photographer by the way, so I’m not asking you to share your mind with how crappy my pictures are. If you do, expect shit thrown back in your face. The pictures are clickable for full-resolution and I think they’re worth seeing in full-size at how beautiful the bird is…. much more beautiful than my current mood no doubt.

I wish I could be as carefree (and I don’t mean the pantiliner) as this bird… Now if you’ll excuse me from my blog, perhaps I will resume crying as I have been previously… Ya, I’m not the big macho-man. I want her in my arms right now… everything will be perfect then….

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on May 17, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 26 Comments.

  1. Wah so long… rubbing my eyes right now to clear up the dots! … 真係喊呀? OMG… make me want to cry too…. Dun be sad, u’ll make me sad…. 😥 Commmee.. I give u big big hug la, cheer up! U always describe yur pain so vividly it makes me feel as if I can feel it… 😕 I want to see the happy-u again, the same one I talked to on Wednesday night b’coz u aren’t the same right now! This is so so wrong… so childish AGAIN, how can she juz ignore u every time she has school or something else to do? What the flark is her problem? I wish I could talk some sense into her for u >.<

    • Amy, ya… why would I lie about something like that? LOL.. it’s not something to be proud over. It takes great emotional anguish for me to actually cry….. even when faced with things like funerals and weddings I rarely react. I’m not sure whether I purposely describe things vividly, I just say whatever I feel and is on my mind, so if it comes out vivid… I guess I should’ve taken up a story-writing career!

      It’ll probably be a while before I’m the same again… whenever she feels like NOT ignoring me anymore. Sometimes I do see it as being childish and wish she had someone to set her straight because honestly, I don’t get where she thinks this is the ok-thing to do. There’s so many better ways to approach a disagreement or simply not feeling the mood to talk. Everyone has times they don’t feel like talking but instead of her saying, “I don’t feel like talking today.” she just rather ignore me all together…. I don’t get angry when I don’t receive the same affection in return, but I do get angry when I think about the way she actually ignores me.

      Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but every time she has something to deal with in her life, I’m the first one to be put aside. Her schooling was fairly relaxed, so she had time for me… now things are going to start picking up since summer courses are fairly rushed and on Wednesday, she’s even going to drivers ed now. And it’s fair to say she has a busy schedule, but honestly, to hide on me is just downright shitty. I can understand that she doesn’t feel as deeply as I do about her and that’s fair, so if she’s busy, I don’t expect her to MAKE time for me (as I would for her), but to at least be VISIBLE to me I think is fair to ask. The timing is impeccable… last time it was the same thing, I gave her something, school started and she decided it was convenient to ignore me for 6 months… same thing now. I don’t want to think of her that way, but can you honestly blame me for not feeling like there’s a really weird thing going on when every time I give her something and then she has other responsibilities that oddly enough she begins to ignore me for the 2nd fucking time?

      Like really, I have patience and it’s amazing that I still haven’t done something extremely cruel by now. I put up with apologies from her, but rather than rectifying the problem, they’re apologies over and over again. She tells me this isn’t the right thing to do to me, but still does it. Why would a person do something they know is wrong and will hurt someone else? Maybe those with a criminal mind or the insane would, but she doesn’t fall under either of those two categories.

      I mean it was weird because on Thursday when we got back to her house, she was online for a moment and then “disappeared” even though I was sitting next to her. I knew something was up, I’m not stupid… I wanted to say something right then and there but I didn’t out of respect, so I’m not sure why she can’t show me the same human kindness at the very least to talk to me like a PERSON. It’s like she PLANS these things, it is starting to make me feel weird like she has these things all timed in her head. She always says she doesn’t want me to be angry because it gets me violent and her mom always warned her about violent guys and blah blah… but it’s not like I’m constantly like that, I have limits, just like anyone else and it’s not like I’m “happy” that in order for me to even feel slight happiness is to beat a punching bag every day until I get the anger out of me for what she does. I don’t get angry over disagreements or even the lack of physical contact, I get angry because she doesn’t treat me like a human, I’m just an object for her.

      You won’t be able to talk any sense to her…. if it was that easy, it would’ve been done. I’m sure one of her older friends will have to talk to her and really set her straight for it to mean anything to her. It’s funny the way she is, she knows the right things to do, she just doesn’t follow through with them. She is stubborn to the max and although for certain things, holding your ground is the right thing to do, relationships are one of those things you have to learn to be flexible. In a way, I’m worried for myself as well that I’ll do something not-so-passive if she pushes me to that limit. Even before I left, we were still talking about meeting up on Thursdays because she has times those days since her Wednesday is occupied, so I have no idea what gone through her head that suddenly changed her mind so quick. Honestly, this feels like last time…. I’m being pushed around like a rag-doll. Maybe she needs something bad to occur in her life to fully learn to appreciate me. A girl doesn’t really feel anything until she’s taken care of by someone when she needs it most… right now she can be independent or depend on her brother/friends, which is probably why she doesn’t “need” me… When she does, I’m sure she’ll rub her magic lamp again and I’ll appear.

      • I’m glad you’re feeling better now 🙂 You’re so easy to make happy… all it took was for her to show up, haha… yur so simple sometimes… yet so complex xDD

        See now that she’s made you happy and in-mood again, you can 100% enjoy the new video card you got! So what’s the plan now for all the other vid cards? You said u were going to phase the old one out…. which model is it? Does it have HDMI for your TV or do you still need to use DVI -> HDMI…. I sound like I know wut I’m talking abt dun I? I really dun… just pretending… 😛 kekeke.

        There is no doubt that u two have chem la… if not, wouldn’t even been brought together in the first place. Relationships are hard, but rewarding… in fact, the harder u two have to work, the more amazing the end results will b! You two have smthg very special so dun waste it… even if sometimes u just want to let go n’ give up. Same thg for her la, b’coz she knows U are worth it… b’coz u really r 🙂

        • I am feeling better!! I’m so relieved and joyous again… ya, I’m pretty low-maintenance, small things make me happy, HAHA.. well I guess it depends on ‘who’ is doing those small things.

          I enjoyed the video card last night… it was DISGUSTINGLY NICE… I decided to test how far I could push it but it took a good few hours to get everything “in order” and I had to make some adjustments to fan speeds. I should note that my room is actually QUIET now because the case fan is a nice quiet/low-speed fan and I can now tune my video card fan to run slower on idle… I can barely hear my computer humming now when it’s on unless I’m playing hardcore games which ramps up the fans.

          Right after I finish typing this message, going to put my 3870 back into my work computer, then take the 8800GTS out and take it home to use for my TV-Computer and then give MM the one phased out from there. I can’t remember what model it was.. maybe 8600GT or something. Either way, it is a gaming-capable hard, even if not “top of the line”. I got it on sale at Future Shop, lol. I don’t think my 8800GTS has HDMI-out =\ How sad.. but it’s ok, DVI -> HDMI still gets me the full 1080p quality.

          I never doubt we have good chem 😛 We’re so 登對… 😆 I’m so proud of her and she makes my heart soooooo warm and sweet-sweet… haha.

  2. minxysmusings

    I know….

    If ever you want to chat…I don’t know the full details of course, but I think I know exactly what you mean.

    Thinking of you xxxx

    • Thanks for your offer… maybe at some point I’ll take it up. I’m not up for it now only because I know if I have to tell the full story, I’ll likely smash my computer monitor or run out on the street and beat some innocent person over the head. It’s too frustrating to have someone do something to you TWICE, be apologetic about it, yet still do it. Maybe it really has to do with an age/life experience thing. I think back to a few years ago when I was her age and I might’ve done the same thing, but I no longer find it now as the proper way to approach it. All I tell myself is to give her time…. that’s assuming I don’t go insane first.

  3. dang. this girl gives you so much grief. but since she pisses you off so much, you must like her a lot! hehe, too bad for you, she’s probably oblivious to your feelings. maybe you should tell her? or have you already…?
    but any emotion is better than none, yeah?
    well, it’d be a cool idea to see a shrink anyway… (just to talk to someone) not cuz I think you’re psycho or anything.. heh…

    hope you enjoy your new toy. 🙂

    • LOL, we’re kind of in a relationship, so I’m 100% sure she’s quite aware of my feelings, hahaha… I remind her all the time how much I care about her, so it’s not like this is one of those underground or secret crushes 😆 I’m one of those people who “say what’s on my mind”… so even when we originally met, it wasn’t long before I apporached her about the subject of whether we had feelings for each other – it was a pretty direct question 😀 there was no “beating around the bush” for me.

      I definitely think I rather be a guy who has emotions rather than the guys who don’t. I guess it’s all in a matter of lifestyle. For me, I want a stable relationship and that’s my personality. To some of my friends, they just want a girl to be a status quo or just someone to bang on a lonely night, lol… and the jump-from-girl-to-girl lifestyle works for them. Hey, whatever suits the person I suppose! I just don’t know how some of my friends can get over things so fast, haha.

      I dunno whether they’d let me randomly see one, lol.. I’m sure I’d have to get a referral from my GP or something and it’ll be hard to convince him that I need one. It’s a bit different in Canada because we lack specialist/psychaitrists and the wait times are nasty. You’d have to have a severe case to even MAKE it in the line-up… my doctor would just laugh at me and show me to the door if I said I needed a shrink 😛

      I think my feelings can all be explained here, lol…

      It’s so friggin old-school that when I listened to it, it made chills go up my spine, haha… When this song came out, I think you were just born, LOL.

      I won’t be able to play with my toy until tomorrow evening. I bought a new case and PSU today from the store today and they’re going to transfer my parts over tomorrow (because I hate moving hardware)… then I get to boot this baby up when I get home!

      I hope your enjoy your new toy too!!! (your vibrator) LOL! So tthhhatt’s what you went to do when we stopped talking on MSN… lllooooll.

      • wowwwww………………. vibrator huh? -.-;;

        and yeahh, i know that song lol
        you, sir, are such a softie. 🙂 but i totally agree with you on the stable relationship thing – guys my age are not into that! hahahahaha

        hope you feel better, man!

        • LOL, I’m a friggin hard-boiled egg… hard on the outside, soft on the inside … more like PLUSH on the inside 😆

          The worst thing too is I’m one of those guys who can’t stand girls/women (I care about, don’t care about randoms) cry. It’s really bad for me actually because they always exploit it on me, lol… I gotta patch myself up with that. Once the tear-works start, I can’t help but feel bad and then bend to their will or instantly forgive them, ACK, way too soft, haha.

          Don’t even talk about guys your age, even guys my age – most of them are still “playing the field”… or should I say playing Russian Roulette with STD’s, 😀 HAHAHA.

          I haven’t seen her online since Thursday night on MSN, although she did reply to me on FB. I’m not sure whether she’s ignoring me or because she’s at her friends place she’s actually not going on. I told myself that I would not try to guess/speculate because then that just starts leading my mind into wrong directions. I’m going to just forget about it (hopefully, lol) and stop trying to figure out which one is correct… in fact, best if I don’t know if it’s not anything good, haha. Less thinking = more happiness. I figure some time with her friends may lead her to having a better perspective with regards to relationships (because one of her good friends has a stable relationship with an older guy) and give her that ‘independence’ she wants from me so she can recuperate and then in the coming weeks we can start doing things again.

          Thanks for asking though! I feel better although somethings are still bugging me… but whatever, it’ll go away in time. I figure if I complain too much about things she does to me, it won’t be helpful, so I should remind her more often of all the great feelings she makes me feel (whenever she feels like it, LOL). I’ll do my bitching elsewhere 😛 hahahaha.

          Hurr… so tired ‘cuz it’s getting late… still early for you though, lucky 😛

      • YES. oh my god. assuming stuff makes things freaking complicated and stupid and it’s a waste of time. ack. people around me do that so often and it just ruins everythaaaang. like my friends who were in the same prom group or whatnot. bweh, don’t get me started! hahahaha and yeah.. thinking less is better.. *∇*

        hm, you’re forgiving. and i’m not easily forgiving (lol). but we need more forgiving people in the world, definitely not enough of them.

        hopefully you don’t feel exploited with this girl. i mean, if you wanna use that word to describe feelings you had with other girls, maybe they just weren’t for you. :/ nobody deserves a gold digger, yeah yeah?

        glad you feel bettah! 🙂

        • Hahah, I have those ups and downs throughout my day. Sometimes I can feel really cheery when I think about happy things between us and feel down whenever I miss talking to her or the fact she just let’s my messages fly over her head. Oh well, I was reading a forum and they pretty much said when you try to guess whether people are actually ignoring you on MSN, what that does is it just causes paranoia. I think they hit the nail right on the head when they said that, lol, it makes me paranoid and I think, “Is she, is she not?” all the damn time – haha. Just yesterday when I got home after a day out, I started to feel down so I decided to “paralyze” myself a bit by playing games. I took some pictures with my phone yesterday, so I wanted to pull them off. As I was going through them, I flipped through a couple of pictures I took of her a few weeks ago and seeing her beautiful smile (although when she looks mean, I’m scared 😦 ) made me sadness go away pretty quickly, lol. I’m too easily satisfied 😛

          I can be forgiving for some things, haha… there are other things I remember or will hold it forever, I think the more “serious” things or rather things that can’t be rectified or repented for I’m more likely to keep it at heart. When I do hold a grudge, my ways of revenge tend to be very nasty 😆 Like you said, I’m quite the damn softie, but when I’m on vengeance-mode, the things that go through my mind can be quite scary. Even some of the stuff I think about, I scare myself wondering where the cruel/sadistic nature of me comes into play 😀 I dunno where I get it from, neither my father or mother are evil in nature, but their son somehow is XD

          I’ve only had one girlfriend who’s tried the tear-works on me, none of the other girls I’ve dated ever have. Most of the girls who do aren’t ones I date – either close friends or god-sister’s, haha. My youngest god-sister always gives me that “I’m about to cry” look and I roll my eyes because I know she wants something XD I don’t think I can make my current girlfriend cry because she’s rock-solid, she’d be more likely to make me cry… oh wait, she has 😀 lol. Girls are generally pretty cute when they cry (except when they’re like scream-crying at a hospital/funeral or something), but I don’t want people thinking I abuse my girls or something, HAHAHA.

        • i hate crying in front of people! i hate that kind of attention. this girl i know, man, when things don’t go her way, she holds no mercy! hahaha
          even at her 16th birthday, things didn’t go how she wanted and she cried. on her 17th, almost happened again. people have learned to avoid her during big plans (like prom). and she noticed a little and asked, “how come nobody invites me?” jeez. she’s totally aware of her behavior, but won’t change for the better.

          but i digress… hahah
          my mind definitely psyches me out. we’re talking aboug existentialism and it makes me think about what’s real and what’s not and the limits of everything, brains are amazing.

          i’m pretty easy to make happy, too. lol
          a lot of people don’t see the little things, you know? like if i drop something and not notice and someone picks it up for me, it just makes my dayyy… and stopping for little kids on unmarked crosswalks. yeah, that’s my favorite. makes me feel warm and fuzzy! lolol

          and i lol’d at you for being the evil one in the family. hahahaha

        • I hate crying in front of people too, especially ‘cuz I’m a guy and you know, we aren’t supposed to cry 😛 I remember the first time my Dad got cancer, I found out in the middle of eating lunch at a restaurant and I just started crying. Most of the times it hasn’t been recent, I guess the most recent “outside of my house” incident was at my girlfriend’s house when the first time she told me she didn’t “think it was going to work out”… I kept my composure in front of her, but when I got into the washroom, I had a mixed emotions of wanting to punch the mirror and just sitting there to wipe my eyes. I generally cry more to non-physical matters than physical matters. Even when I had my wisdom teeth taken out and the pain was excruciating, I didn’t cry… but when it comes to emotions-at-play, I cry like a little girl who just got her period (lol – I just had to say it, it’s ON TOPIC, haha)

          This girl sounds cute XD lol… I’m not sure, maybe I’d rather have a emotionally-weak girl than an emotionally-strong girl, haha… but damn, guess she must be pretty high maintenance too if she wants everything to “go her way” all the time. If she doesn’t know the need to compromise on things, she ain’t getting very far.

          Oh god, I’m glad we never engaged a conversation about existentialism…. one time a girl-friend and I were sitting in the park and we had like a 3-hour conversation about it. I think these thoughts come into play mostly when you think fate v.s human control. How much of ourselves do we truly control and are we influenced by beings we don’t know about? There’s 100001 factors that influence and in a way, control us on how we go about daily-life, but the topic is so vast and opinions so grand that the topic becomes endless ramblings back and forth!

          I think where I learned most of my patience was really when I started driving regularly. When I worked downtown, I had patience because the traffic there was horrid (stop and go). Now that I’m driving all highway, whenever I DO have to go back down there, I get all pissy with people. However, my mood has a lot to play with it. When I’m in a good mood, even if someone cuts me off or is totally rude, I just let it go. When I’m in a bad mood, even accidentally coming on “my side of the lane” I’ll try to kill you, LOL. I know I let my mood/emotions play me too much, but hey, I’m human. But absolutely, even doing something small like letting someone out of a side-street since I’m stopped at a red light anyways makes me feel like I’ve done a really good thing. As insignificant in the “grand scheme of things” that may be, it has made another person happy (as long as they appreciate the gesture, because some people don’t or think that “you owe them”) and I haven’t been inconvenienced since I have to stop anyways! I just feel bad for the poor saps who get caught in one of my male-PMS days and I try to run them off the road XD

  4. Dang, you sound 100% like my ex, super emo. In fact, you guys say almost the same things! Geez, do we girls give you such a pain? No one forced you to stick with her, so quit whining you big baby 😛 You CHOSE to be with her so bear up! Things WILL get better, just loosen up 🙂 It just takes some time (maybe a LONG time :P) and a LOT of patience. Just know that hard to get girls usually end up being the best girls (that’s why they play hard-to-get – to test you to your limits and see how mature you are – if you are indeed deserving of their FULL attention. :P) PERSEVERE!

    • I don’t think the “no one forced you to stick […]” excuse is valid. I’m sure people say that a lot, but it’s like telling someone who is poor that, “No one forced you to be poor.” or telling someone who’s sick, “No no forced you to be sick.” There are many things in life that it isn’t as simple as “just a choice”… this is something that is heartfelt and we have a special bond with each other that isn’t as simple as calling it a choice. No doubt, it is possible to ‘go against it’, but I don’t see that as being a reasonable option. Easy to say in theory, hard to practice. No one is forcing me, but both of us ought to know better than to waste great potential of a relationship for the sake of a few disagreements. I haven’t slashed my own throat yet 🙂

      Haha yep, I know things will get better and that’s why I stick around. I’m pretty upfront with my relationships in that if I “can’t see a future” with the girl or think “there’s no way I can stand her” – I’ll disappear faster the the rat that stole the cheese. Every time I think about doing something stupid I have to hit myself to get those thoughts out of my head and start believing in the powers of hopes and dreams. I can do it, she can do it, WE can do it!

      Again, I know she’s worth it… lol, that’s why I keep trying. If she wasn’t worth it… well let’s just say I’m a very vengeful person, haha… if someone I DIDN’T care about hurt me in ways like that… ohhhh boy 😛 Hard-to-get is an understatement for her, haha… more like the war expression, “Fight on or die trying!” Speaking of which, I don’t think I’d like her all that much if she was “easy” (in both ways) girl you know? LOL. It’d make me question her moral integrity and future risks.

      I’m your ex reincarnate 😀 Too bad I’m just not as good looking as him 😦 I am jealous, haha. If I was, I would kau sei lui 😆 And it’s not about being “super emo”… that would be like small things being worked up to being something big… this IS something big, how would you feel if the guy you were dating just ignored you and poofed for days (or months) >.> Not fun feeling in your heart… makes days feel so unbearable. But, it’s ok… at least she’ll let me see her presence now, even if we aren’t talk as much (which is ok since we talked for like 5 hours every day X.x).. in the time we talked over like a course of a month, I had to archived my chat logs TWO times… do you have any idea how big logs have to be before it asks you to store it in a separate file? LOL…

      • I have to somewhat agree with Poh Ching with the “No one forced you to stick with her” comment, despite your rebuttal. Sure, there are things that people can’t control – whether or not they get sick, who they fall in love with, etc. but the choice lies in how you go about dealing with the situation. You can either moan and fall into depression about it, or you can be a little more positive about it, or you can take action and do something about it.

        If it’s so hard, you do have the choice to give up. Yes, it will hurt if you give up on what your heart is telling you, but if you’re in so much pain and stress now maybe she’s not worth it.

        Even if you think she’s worth it, why is she making it so hard for both of you? Why doesn’t she value the relationship as much as you? I don’t know your whole situation but it seems to me, from how she treats you and makes you feel, that both of you need to evaluate your relationship together.

        Perhaps, if she’s not ready to be with you now, maybe it’s good to give her a little room and a little time to grow and mature. It may not be what you want, but it may be better for the both of you. In my opinion, I think that if you guys are meant to be together, it will work out in the end despite anything.

        Good luck and cheer up!

        • Hi Brynison,

          Thank you for your comment.

          What I know is that this relationship CAN work out if we both set our minds to it. I know this is extremely hard for both of us and I’m sure both of us has considered giving up at one point… but likewise, it is probably the case where we both feel it’s a waste of a very solid foundation of a relationship. To be honest in a world of million of people, it is rare and a very sacred thing to find someone who you can truly feel for. Having a few relationships under my belt, I can definitely say that it is a very special bond and perhaps one of few that a person ever has (discounting those who like to jump from guy/girl-guy/girl). It is quite possible to give up, but I do not feel this should be the case for us, as difficult as it may be. I have my limits too and I think I do know when to call it quits.. unfortunately I’ve had experience with that too – I just think that when it comes to having something THIS special 0n-the-line, it is worth, a) working really hard for, and b) waiting-it-out if she needs that space.

          I will suffer much greater pains if I give up and the stress will compound much more than it is now. IF things don’t work out, at least I move forth knowing I put in 100% of my effort. If I quit now, I know I haven’t put “in my all” and I would regret it forever. Regrets is not how I’d like to live my life and if I ever strive to attain a goal, I’d like to know that I did my best, even if I fail in the end.

          You’re right about the choice of how I deal with it. In a way, I have my ways of dealing with the depression of set backs, blogging is one of them to get it out of my system. I have some great friends who also listen to me banter sometimes and they know that I am relieved after doing so. Everyone has problems in their life and I think different people have different ways of alleviating them. If I didn’t have any positive feelings towards this whatsoever, I certainly would’ve just gave up, but I do, and therefore as you suggested, I am being even MORE positive that things WILL work out for us and taking action by showing her I can be that guy she wants to be with.

          For someone to really understand why she makes it so hard on me, you really have to know her. It’s hard to explain and much different from any of the relationships, whether ones that did work long-term to those which never really had a ‘beginning’. I don’t really want to go into details describing her, but there’s a type of comfort-level she requires before even being able to start simple interactions. From the day we met, I knew this was going to be an uphill battle – but I chose to take this path knowing she’s WORTH IT and I’m not going to give up, albeit whatever pain I have to go through, even if in the end it results in an untimely death of me, lol. I’m sure we evaluate our relationship on a daily basis and had it not been the fact we both think this will work out, even with all the obstacles we have to overcome, it is not good enough grounds to call it quits. Even if she did, I’d still try my darnedest to win her back… Rest assured, I am as stubborn as she is.

          I’m giving her the time and space she needs to breathe, yet staying close enough where she has someone to depend on when she needs a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. Her family and friends can only do so much and I think that she would benefit from having that “someone special” too… I can’t dictate how she feels towards me, but I certainly don’t want to give her so much room that she forgets about me. It seems foolish perhaps that a guy would go to such extends to go after a girl like that, but things are just the way they are. Humanity is lost without hope and hope is what carries me forth. We have a bright future ahead of us and although every once in a while we trip, stumble and at times fall, I have faith that we can succeed….

          Her and I are both stubborn and once we set ourselves to something, it takes a lot to derail us, lol… we make a great couple 😆

          To be honest, it took me a LOT of consideration before approving this post… only because I don’t want to give her any additional idea of giving up. All I want is to make her know that albeit the obstacles both of us have to overcome, I still see this as a very POSITIVE relationship and I only want to fill her head with positive things. It seems like I’m trying to brainwash her, but the last thing I need is people telling us we should give up… so it definitely took some time before I clicked APPROVE. The more positive people who are around us, including her of course, see our relationship with positive results, the more likely she will feel it and develop that way. If we have too many people generating negativity or advising us to call it quits, it will only send her into a spiral of negativity. I was put on this world to make her happy, to be there for her and to be someone who loves/cares/tenders to her so I want to fill her mind, heart and soul to make her feel good and to bring as much happiness within my power towards her!! 🙂

        • Heheh, see what I told ya Prexus? 😛 *just poking you :P)

          From my experience, the ex (how ironic lol) initiated a few break-ups before. When I realised that he really was fed-up/hurt with my behaviour, I just broke down and begged (Yes, I put down my MANLY PRIDE and freaking BEGGED his forgiveness and all, crying a whole box of tissue paper in front of him) for him to re-consider, and gave him 101 reasons Why we Should Be Together and 101 Ways I Am So Sorry For Being a Cold Fish.

          As a result of those short-term break-ups (which no one other than us know of – people always thought we were the perfect, cutest couple around), it was those times that I realised that I loved him, and couldn’t bear to be without him. He was REALLY LEAVING ME FOR GOOD! The break-ups jolted my mind, and I begun to take the guy seriously, and realised that I took him for granted.

          Yah, you cheer up everytime she suckers up to you, but for how long? It really takes a TON of patience and maturity – and remember to keep your cool – to hold on like how you are doing right now.

          I suggested you to act “cold” to her, which you said resulted in her ignoring you for 6 months. Try another tack.

          Write a flirtatious (even better, lovey-dovey) message to an imaginary “girlfriend”. Then send that text to your girl. She’ll get riled up that the lovey-dovey message was not for her, but intended for another girl. Then she’ll not ignore you because, if she does, you can just go on without her just fine (to that imaginary girl LOL). That will be a jolt *wink wink*.

          (Exclusion clause: I take no responsibility for any physical injury caused to Prexus for posting this heheh. Just my 2 cents.)

      • You guys talk 5 hours day. AND you’re complaining? If that’s not lovey-dovey enough, what is? How can THAT be ignoring you? I don’t get it. It would be super sweet if a guy would call me and talk to me sweet nothings for more than 10 minutes! T_______T
        (Yes, I am a sad sad sad person *sigh*)

        Anyway, I repeat:
        hard-to-get – to test you to your limits and see how mature you are – if you are indeed deserving of their FULL attention. 😛 ) PERSEVERE!

        Key words: Hard-to-get, maturity, deserving of their full attention (which can be overwhelming just as it is cold before 😛 Just as cold as she is to you NOW, when she lets down her defenses, oh boy – you will be bowled over ^^), persevere!

        • LOL, for quite a while we were talking like nuts… there were minimal pauses between messages, so you can imagine how big our chat logs are… it seemed we always had something to talk about, whether we were talking about general life stuff, or I was hitting/flirting/teasing her XD We are cute together, lol…. or is that me being egoistic? 😆 “Talking for 5 hours” though was before she ignored me for a few days… things are ‘better’ now, and I’m just kind of waiting for the dust to settle and stuff. Like the other poster said, I do want to give her the space and let her feel relaxed, yet cared for…

          We rarely talk for more than 10 minutes, so I couldn’t sweet-talk you even if I wanted to, that’s your own fault 😀 Maybe the 5 hours burned us out, haha… but it just seemed like neither of us stopped. I stayed up way late into the night and speaking of which, I’ve been paying the price for it over the past few weeks because I keep on waking up tired. I usually sleep at 12AM or so and when we were talking, it went to like 3AM, leaving me with 5 hours of sleep. While that was sufficient to keep me alive, I think I started acrruing a sleep debt. I don’t blame this on her because it was strictly my choice. I just loved talking to her so much I couldn’t stop! In hindsight, it was better to have slept on those days so we wouldn’t be burning each other out… even 2 hours of chat would’ve been enough (she has this habit of coming on at 10ish). Not only by staying up late did I damage my body, I also kind of pushed our conversation-limits over the edge resulting in a minor burnout, lol… ya ya, all my fault.

          Hard-to-get: Ya… very, lol.
          Maturity: Maturity doesn’t mean I don’t get stressed out or depressed 😛
          Deserving of their full attention: LOL, I’d rather her latch on to me than be cold… but hey, maybe you’re right.. haha.

          I’m sure she’ll be a great sweetie to me when she lets her defenses down XD I’m so excited over that day, lol. I know she has everything she needs inside of her to be a great girlfriend, wife and mom (and even grandmother hahaha)… and I know she is capable of showing expressions within her, she just needs to reach that point where she can pour her heart out to me.. life will be so grand then 😛

  5. Oh gosh… does it annoy you that it probably takes u an hour to type that and only 5 mins for me to read? kekeke..

    And yesh… I’m already in the office this morning! I have to make coffee and prepare meeting notes b4 everyone gets to work T_T Oh wait… instead of doing that, I’m replying to yur blog, lol.

    “To be honest, it took me a LOT of consideration before approving this post… only because I don’t want to give her any additional idea of giving up.”

    ^— 😆 Like you said la… if she was so easily swayed by what other people say, then things would b so easy for u two, kaka…. I’m sure her friends probably say lots of good things abt u newayz. Either way, I’m sure she doesn’t allow too many ppl to influence her life-long decision, so dun worry about whether people are commenting positively/negatively. Dun forget u r the one dating her, not other people and the choice is all yurs… and I’m pretty sure I know wut yur choice is newayz… haha.. u two are sooooo cute and will make a great couple! Can’t wait to meet her… I know she’ll bring you infinite happiness!!

    okok,,, back to work!

  6. Heheh, see what I told ya Prexus? 😛 *just poking you 😛 )

    From my experience, the ex (how ironic lol) initiated a few break-ups before. When I realised that he really was fed-up/hurt with my behaviour, I just broke down and begged (Yes, I put down my MANLY PRIDE and freaking BEGGED his forgiveness and all, crying a whole box of tissue paper in front of him) for him to re-consider, and gave him 101 reasons Why we Should Be Together and 101 Ways I Am So Sorry For Being a Cold Fish.

    As a result of those short-term break-ups (which no one other than us know of – people always thought we were the perfect, cutest couple around), it was those times that I realised that I loved him, and couldn’t bear to be without him. He was REALLY LEAVING ME FOR GOOD! The break-ups jolted my mind, and I begun to take the guy seriously, and realised that I took him for granted.

    Yah, you cheer up everytime she suckers up to you, but for how long? It really takes a TON of patience and maturity – and remember to keep your cool – to hold on like how you are doing right now.

    I suggested you to act “cold” to her, which you said resulted in her ignoring you for 6 months. Try another tack.

    Write a flirtatious (even better, lovey-dovey) message to an imaginary “girlfriend”. Then send that text to your girl. She’ll get riled up that the lovey-dovey message was not for her, but intended for another girl. Then she’ll not ignore you because, if she does, you can just go on without her just fine (to that imaginary girl LOL). That will be a jolt *wink wink*.

    (Exclusion clause: I take no responsibility for any physical injury caused to Prexus for posting this heheh. Just my 2 cents.)

    You know what… I’ve considered 101 tacks because and none of them seemed to fit her personality. In all honesty, I think I can pull that off on almost every girl I know (ones I’ve dated) and those tricks would work, being cold or faking to be with ‘another girl’… but these things won’t work on her and will sink our relationship deeper into the hole. I know a lot of these actions whether on her or another girl has risks and usually the positive outweighs the negative, but with her (and you truly have to know her to understand what I mean), it is just not a “very smart move.” I know these tactics often trigger an emotional rush for most girls and to have them rethink the way they treat a guy, but there’s a discomfort I have with doing things like these. Thank you for your suggestions but I just think I know her well-enough that doing something like this is a dead-risky move. Speaking of imaginary… is your imaginary boyfriend your fingers? 😆 … I’m going to start running now, hahaha.

    I’d rather generate goodwill through just being myself and being there for her. I think the best way to achieve that comfort within her to me is by not being fake with these small little things. I’d much rather write her a love note or give her flowers (as impractical as she thinks that is), than push my limits with trying to make her jealous. Also, we’ve both agreed that we won’t be jealous of each other spending time with boy/girl-friends as long as we both know our limits… even if she flirts with another guy, I can stand it as long as there’s no sexual-touching involved. I’m also one of those guys who can accept her talking about other guys to a limit too, I don’t see a problem with her admiring the handsomeness or physique of another man as long as she’s not talking about how she wants him in her or something X.x (not that she’d say those things anyways, lol)… likewise, I think I can still admire the beauty of other women without going over the limits of still being faithful/committed/loyal/loving towards her.

    In time, she will feel ready, even without me making those not-so-smart jealousy moves. I’ve used the jealousy route on girls before I’ve been with and it works, lol… just that I can already tell it doesn’t work on her, haha. Maybe it will and I’ll never know because I’m not willing to play that game 😛 I just want her to love me for who I am, because I love her for who she is (yes, EVEN the stubbornness….), and to quote my friend, “I’d have it no other way”… because if she was different, I may very well not have liked her in the first place. Obviously it is who we are who brought us together and it is whole we are who will keep us together for eternity 🙂 I always sound like I’m writing a novel, lol.

    And yes, from the more I hear about your ex, the more I am like him, LOL.. freaky… I thought I was the only one like me XD Tell your ex I think he’s pretty good looking, lol.

  7. LOL, even if I were gay, is that an issue? You make being gay sound like a problem 😛 I’m one of those guys who’s comfortable enough with my sexual orientation that I can think a guy is good looking without being gay 😀

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