Emoness Strikes Again!

Ah, today’s just one-of-those days. It’s just 8ish right now and I’m already laid down in my bed and rolling around. The weather has been great today and right now, it’s a beautiful scenery out my window. I stepped outside, just to capture a few great shots. Other than being head-over-heels for my girlfriend, the next thing I’m in love with is my new camera. Yes, I’m hardly adept at taking great photos, but sometimes I see photography like art. As long as I’m happy with the shots taken and they’re expressive of my own feelings, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s praised to appreciated by others. I guess I’m rolling around because I’m feeling kinda down today. I haven’t checked the calendar, has it been a month since I’ve been emo? LOL.

Every once in a while, I’m just hit with this pang of sadness. It never was like this for the few months that bebe and I had regular contact. I feel so lost in this world without her, like I’m wandering aimlessly until she’s ready to pick me up again. It’s like this thick fog that sometimes clears up but at times thickens so much that you just want to scream but no one will hear you or see you. You wish that others could help you, but when you’re lost in fog, there is little that anyone else can do for you. You can wander and wander, only hoping that you will make it to the end alive.

I know this is quite unhealthy, no one should be subjected to pains from relationships like this, but that’s a moot point. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship before, will know how I feel. There is a saying that a person who falls and gets up is not a fool, but one who falls and stays down is a fool for life. I believe in that, I believe that only someone who has no goal, no direction and no willpower in life can never achieve success. I am heartfelt that I can achieve this goal, not only to fall in love, but to cause someone to fall in love with me. I admit that there are times when I have thought of things, things that maybe dark and sinister to think and do – things that I dare not admit to anyone. I know the games she tries to play, but yet, I refuse to let these games push me over the edge. I vent them here, because it is an output for it, because I’m not going to let her get to me that easily, even if she does all these destructive things to my mind, heart and soul. She wants me to crack, she wants to prove to herself that I am ‘not worthy’ – but I will climb this hill, and prove to her I am worth it – because we both know better.

Albeit my nasty thoughts when I’m feeling angry, I think clearly, there is a Chinese saying that, “You may be able to stay a person’s heart, but cannot stay their body” and it is true – and I would not consider doing anything dramatic or over-the-top because I want not only want her to stay with me, but have her heart stay with me as well. What if I do something, that forces her to be here, but when her heart is elsewhere or is against her will? Logically, the only right way to win love, is to win the person as a whole. Sometimes I am a foolish little boy, I will think of things to do, perhaps very nasty things, that may in the end, have results – but not the correct results. That, I certainly want to avoid. There is a side of me that thinks with logical, a side of me that thinks with emotions and another side of me that thinks with anger/vengeance. I hope to god, I never need to tap into the latter, because it is fearful side of me that even scares myself. The only person that has ever seen the latter side of me, is my ex-ex girlfriend, which I admit, was a very unfortunate case and I never want to repeat and draw that side out of me. The more I let her actions get to me, the sadder I feel. I must be positive, towards myself and towards her… because if I’m upset and angry with what she’s doing – OR – speculating negatively about things, it only hurts me. It was about a week ago, that I became to do positive speculations for things she does, because whether they are true or not, they sure as hell make me feel a lot better. In turn, this positivity transcends itself through my actions and feelings towards her. I hum to myself, “I can do it”, “We can do it”, “We will succeed” and “Patience, experience, wisdom and compassion” – if it was not for faith, hope and loyalty – I know I would’ve fallen. Yet today, I stand firm on the ground with my feet and say, “I know I can!”

But onto happier note rather than being all melancholic, is that next Tuesday, my ex-ex and I will be meeting up together. We did get into a little tuffle with each other, because we wanted to meet up for dinner and I didn’t “appear” to be too excited (and in all reality, I was, lol… and still am). We were at each others throat for almost 1/2 hour before we finally realized that things were a misunderstanding on our parts (lol – doesn’t life suck when that happens?).

It has been quite a few years since we’ve seen each other, and it’ll be great to catch up on things and more important – see how much we have changed since our last meet and since we have been together (which goes even farther back, haha – we’re old :lol:). We were together too young and logically, we have went through many changes in our life – which has redefined the people we once were (and are today), resulting in our breakup. As people grow up, focuses shift and things that were important/unimportant to us changes as well. With that said, we are the person we are today as a result of each other – for better, or worse 😀 She is a great girl and I suppose it’s a bit weird for many who generally don’t have much positive things to say about ex’s – but with all but one, I have nothing but great things to say about them.

For years, I used to spend a lot of time “comparing” girls… and truly, it was unfair. My ex-ex girlfriend was the one that really “set the bar” for all other girls. If they “weren’t as good as her, they weren’t worth chasing” – and honestly, there’s not all too many girls in this world who are as awesome as her XD – but she thinks otherwise, lol. Nevertheless, this was really poorly judgement (not of her!!!) on my part, by comparing one girl to another. One cannot have expectations of one girlfriend to another, expecting them to do the same things, act the same way, have the same expectations, or fall for the same romance. Every person is an individual and blindly, it took me a while to see that. I took my ex-ex as a “baseline requirement” for all future girlfriends, except for my current. The reality is our emotions and chemistry is what connects one person to another and sometimes, these expectations, wants and needs are all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. We think we may not fall for someone, only to find ourselves neck-deep-in-the-water. The ways that humans interact and connect on a non-verbal and psychological level boggles the mind and I’m not even going to get into that – lol – I could probably write a 10 page essay on it. I still hang out with most of my ex’s and it’s cool that way. I certainly can’t see my girlfriend being the jealous type (and plus, she’s playing cold shoulders anyways, so I couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to), so I never have to “clear” with her the fact I’m hanging out with them. I draw very clear lines about how I treat my ex’s … and I’ll definitely be nice and gentlemanly to them, but would definitely not go beyond what I’d do/how I’d treat my bebe (after all, she’s my most important girl :D)!

Oh god, I digress (all the time) – we’re going to meet up in Toronto and go have dinner. We haven’t picked a place, but I have to take the train. You cannot imagine, because I’m sure most people who read my blog already have this preconception of me that I’m the “big tough guy” (minus the whole interest in menstruation thing, hahaha) – but I’m soooo chicken when it comes to taking public transportation – especially when it’s outside of my town/city. For some odd reason, I don’t have this same fear/discomfort when I have to take the MTR/KCR (subway/train) in Hong Kong. So I swallowed my pride and saliva a bit and told her I’d take the train out and also, told her how much of a pussy I am (LOL) and if she could pick me up from the main station, haha. To be honest, I hate driving into Toronto because of their traffic and lack-of-parking space. I also know myself well enough that I don’t want to contend with the shitty/overly aggressive drivers there either. I have a temper when it comes to dealing with stupid-people on the road, and I’m sure I’d pull someone out of their car and beat them or shoot them through the windshield – so let’s not do that!

I’m so excited and we haven’t seen each other in ages. Our last meet up a few years ago was… err, let’s just say – a bit weird, because I was still in that phase of “trying to get her back” and I ashamedly say I caused some awkward situations (although she was very understanding about it – and was still ladylike!!), so this one will be more smooth now that I’m already committed to a very special girl, she won’t have to worry about me getting all flirty with her 😀 We’ve grown up so much, that we’re very different and our life has changed tremendously. I hope connecting in person will also help us understand one another more, given that we still get into disagreements sometimes because we just don’t see each others angles. Can you tell I’m really excited? 🙂

Anyways… going to leave it at this, I suppose I’ll go talk to some friends on Skype – they tend to cheer me up or get my mind away from bebe once in a while. I have this really long and boring meeting that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow – so I want to be mentally ready and stable, haha, rather than being grumpy with how I’m being treated right now (for the second time) … even Poh Ching was like, “Wait, she’s doing that to you AGAIN? WTF!” (or “WTFish” – since she doesn’t like to swear), hehe.. what a cutie.

Night night.. and OH – the pictures…

No, it's not the old Windows wallpaper... that really IS the sky today here!

My lovely tree!

My backyard - although the grass was not freshly cut for the picture, too bad.

My neighbours roses... oh how many times my family and I have got thorned by it, haha.

It's a really nice neighbourhood around here! Very tranquil.

Advertisements

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on June 10, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I luv yur bkyrd, so nice… haven’t seen smthg like that in ages now, lol.. Have to kind of go to Victoria Peak and look down at the rich-ppl houses to even see a yard now. Yards in Canada are such a pain, to mow lawn n’ gardening… but it is such a PRIVILEGE to have a yard in HK, haha. Very diff lifestyle for sure!

    U evr thought abt what yur gonna do when u get married? Live in same place or too small? kekeke… U track my monthly for me, should I track yurs for u as a favour? 😀 Sometimes I wonder where u get yur strength frum, u rly r stronger than u think if u can put up with so much adversity. U shld learn to give yurself more credit, b’coz I think most people who have exploded by now. I can’t wait to see u two in a pic together, awwww… kawaii..

    Guys who can keep contact with their ex’s, shows that they are a dedicated and good person. Juz b’coz two ppl can’t get along in a relationship, doesn’t mean they can’t be friends – and u r a true representation of that. Even if not, at least ppl don’t have to “hate each other” – ‘cuz one more friend is better than one more enemy! I luv yur writing style, it is always so vibrant and really can feel yur feelings.

    U will hv a wonderful time with B&B 😛 I hope yur bebe will return to yur arms soon ^__^ U two are made for each other! No pain, no gain 😀

    • Haha… of course I’ve thought about it before, but I’m not going to make it as complicated as I was did. It’d be great to be able to live in the same house and have the next generation grow up here, but it isn’t a huge house and I’m not sure that she’d want to be in a small place like this. Then again, it also comes down to finances and stuff. My mom always bugs me and says my future wife probably won’t want to live in a small house anyways 😛 I love this house a lot and there’s many memories – but it’s a husband/wife decision when the time comes, so no point trying to predict stuff, it’ll happen when it happens. Just being in a great marriage is already a blessing, deal with housing issues when the time presents itself.

      You can track mine if you want 😆

  2. Wow, what a Excellent article 🙂 Im going to have fun browsing the rest of your blog !

  3. Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your website, how could i subscribe for a blog website? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear ideaI’m extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one nowadays..

  4. Hello there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group? There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thank you

    • Of course, you’re welcome to share this blog because that’s the whole mission of this, to spread positivity surrounding menstruation and help educate those who are not as inclined to learn about it elsewhere! Thanks for your help.

  1. Pingback: wholesale yankee candles

  2. Pingback: Alaska

  3. Pingback: Small Chicken

  4. Pingback: Premature Ejaculation Stretches

  5. Pingback: Evil Eye Bracelets

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: