I Want to Eat Right Now…

What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…

You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….

So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”

Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?

I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.

Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.

My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.

I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.

It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.

I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.

Depression
Anger
Hatred
Fear
Hostility
Blame
Regret
Invalidated
Underestimated
Powerless
Suffocated
Abandoned
Insignificant
Rejected
Unloved
Unwanted
Resentment
Grief
Jealousy
Envy
Greed

These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.

Because I love her.

I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?

Blah – I want to eat.

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on July 14, 2010, in Personal, TMI Corner and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. I just read this entry. Feelings are NOT based on looks but initial attraction is. Attraction is really not about abs and eyes shapes, 🙂 I’m sure when you’re in a more relaxed mood and have had more time to think things over you’ll know that’s ludicrous. Sometimes in life and love we come across another and for whatever reason, it could be that she is free, spontaneous, beautiful, and fun to be around, or a combination of something so different that YOU gravitate towards her. That does not always guarantee an equal response back. Find someone who gravitates towards you… then fall for her. I’ve read your posts by and by… it always seemed that you put so much into this that you call a relationship, but I see the signs of her not returning the favor. Perhaps she never really did, perhaps she saw how much you loved her and TRIED to fall in love with you, if it never happened, you can’t blame her. Step back and see it from a third angle when you’re ready. Would you rather live a pretend life where only YOU are happy and she-always doubtful but liking the way you treat her? Is that enough for you? Really?? Leave me a msg if you need to talk… head up, ok?

    • Hey Jen,

      I know that this relationship has been a long stretch and I have had both willpower and doubts over it. Obviously the lack of reciprocation and just the lack of wanting to “move forward” in the relationship is already a tell-tale sign. I guess it’s hard for me to accept losing yet another girl… and I’ll tell you why, perhaps it is my own insecurities that I believe that it is so hard for me to find a girlfriend that I feel that time is ticking. I’m 25, with the last serious relationship YEARS ago and with little prospect for future girls. I’m unmarried and I’m far away from having kids – to me, that is depressing. Maybe I’ve always been a family guy and that’s why the lack-of-working-relationships bother me, because I always wanted to “have a family” when I’m young. Waiting to get married when I’m 30 or never getting married makes me just want to die because my life feels unfulfilled. I’m not saying it’s fair to force myself into a relationship because that’s not the case, I truly truly care about her – without a doubt and not out of desperation. My last girlfriend I admit was out of desperation, but with this girl – definitely not.

      Unfortunately I have long since been uncomfortable with how I look. To me, that is one failing point is that although I believe I am a good guy, let’s face it, a girl first sight on you already sets the tone for everything – had I been better looking, I probably would’ve won her over. To me, I believe the whole, “I don’t feel for you thing” is just a way of saying, “You’re ugly and I’m too good for the likes of you.” This is the way I think, even when I am rational, I just think the whole “feel” thing is just BLEH, but that’s just me. I know there are girls who say the whole “looks don’t matter” thing – but I often just roll my eyes towards statements like that. Looks DO matter because it’s what attracts people initially to even BEGIN talking to you, so to break past that barrier of “getting to know someone deep-down” – the hot boys win the girls. No matter how good of a guy I am (no ego intended), if a girl can never accept how I look, they won’t even bother to the get-to-know-me-part. Why couldn’t I have been born looking like Raymond Lam or something?

      We both gravitated towards each other and I’ll tell you why I say that. I’m a very “silent” person when it comes to relationships. I never tell a girl I like her unless I feel that she has the same feelings for me. Maybe I’m terrified for rejection, but I’d never tell a girl I cared for her unless I thought I “had a chance”. We both had a thing for each other and I verified over-and-over again before I expressed my feelings for her. We connected, we truly did and although she argued that she doesn’t think “we really had a lot to talk about” or “didn’t have a lot in common” – I beg to differ and I sometimes things that she lies with her eyes opened (Chinese expression). I’m not going to say she’s a liar in general, sometimes I just think she uses somethings to cover up another. Suffice to say, I don’t think she’s a bad person at all, even at this very moment. I think she’s still an amazing girl – I just get frustrated with her deceit sometimes because she’ll act one way but claims she felt another.

      When we go out on dates, I can tell that she truly enjoys the moment.. well, except for the one where we argued about the chair. There’s “genuine happiness” and “fake happiness” and being someone who’s job is to analyze emotions and feelings on a regular basis to control a situation, I can say that I highly highly believe that after dinners and stuff she’s super happy. I always check up on her after our dinners just to make sure she had a great time. That genuine happiness shows through and I can tell on the moments where she hesitates to say something bad yet shows false happiness to the ones where she really is GLEAMING. Maybe I just don’t understand how she can have such a great time with me and like 30 minutes later feel a total opposite. She’s a confusing girl nonetheless. I can give you a ton of reasons I’m attracted to her, but that’s irrelevant now. I used to lust over girls, perhaps because I found them hot and simply wanted to sleep with them (lol – I was a teenager, give me a break :P) – but the feeling for her was quite different.

      I can totally understand the concept of unrequited love… hrm.. reminds me of Romeo & Juliet. I’m well aware of that feeling as I’ve succumbed to it over and over again. Why can I not for once find a girl who loves me as well for the way I love her? Why must I be fucked (not physically too) every time? I would never ever say that I put more effort than one of my ex’s, because the reality is no one can “quantify” the amount of effort one tries to put in a relationship. Maybe I’m a “self-beater”… I don’t usually put the blame on others for my failed relationships, I put it on myself.. I ask myself how I lacked as a boyfriend that causes her not to be able to fall in love with me. Did I not provide her with everything a girl could want? What could I have done better? Is there a PROBLEM with me? Am I too soft on them that I let them think they can step all over me when all I’m trying to be is compromising towards situations and understanding? For once, I wish I could blame others just so I don’t suck my life outta me. I hear about people who constantly, “blame others for their own problems” – I should take that attribute up instead of blaming myself.

      I do believe I gave it my all in this relationship… more than I would ever put up with shit from a relationship EVER. I stuck along to her, for 6 months of being ignored. The feeling of being ignored is atrocious. I post things on her facebook and while replying to everyone else, she ignores what I write completely (ignore as in, didn’t reply). We had another 2 months of bliss and yet, back to square one again… goes on an ignoring hiatus. She says she doesn’t even “feel like she wants to talk to me” and something like that is just extreme. I can understand a girl not having feel and not want to be courted by a guy, but to be so objectionable as to saying you don’t even have the will to talk to them just DOWNRIGHT hurts.

      For some odd reason, I felt more comfort when she let me see her online and would ask me not to talk to her, rather than her just not letting me see her online. I suppose it’s more frustrating because I managed to break most of MSN’s coding and see when people are actually “appearing offline” or “blocking” me and maybe that itself is only adding to my annoyance, lol. Maybe I DO do a bit to myself. Nevertheless, I prefer when we actually have a “line of contact” rather than none, even if we don’t USE it. What I will say though, she has graciously kept me as a FB friend and I’m grateful for that – I truly truly am! I think I’d be a lot angrier and perhaps become agressive if she even hated me that much to remove me. I’m also afraid of myself because if you have read some of my previous posts, when one of my ex’s broke up with me – I got scarily-aggressive with her.. and I don’t mean just “aggressive” as in trying to win back her love – I was enraged with her actions towards me. To me, her keeping me on FB is a savoiur from my evil-self from coming out – at least we both want to show some “goodwill” that we don’t hate each other’s guts, even if we’re not going to be talking to each other again quite yet. I don’t really even want to consider what would happen if she did remove me.. I don’t want to think about that. I know I can be a very nasty person when I need to be.

      I’m not proud to say so, but I remember when B&B (or “L” if you’ve seen me refer to her name), I got so enraged with her when she hooked up with another guy that I mentioned I wished that every single one of her boyfriends would die. She retorted saying that that still would not make her want to be with me and I replied saying that even if she never wanted to be with me, I’d still want that to happen that way she would never find happiness either. Yes, I can be quite.. hrm.. scary? Deep down I think I’m a nice person in most cases – I can get just a bit perturbed when it comes to relationships. Because most of my other breakups were more or less a “mutual thing” – they haven’t become as “angry” as these cases where it’s one-sided.

      To be honest, I’m not going to say there weren’t a lot of things about this relationship that bugs me. To express them now would be like “stabbing someone in the back” and that’s just not right. Albeit all our problems, I was still happy with her. I don’t believe that wanting improvement in a relationship is a bad thing – it’s just things that take work. I think this means for the both of us. Obviously there were things she wanted to change about me and there were things I wanted to change about her. I think we can be quite explosive sometimes because we’re both very insistent in our ways and stubborn.. stick two together and that’s like bulls head-butting each other. One major issue I had was with the secrecy… that bugged me a lot because the more she wanted to hide things, the more annoyed I get. There were times I’d go out of my way to find out certain things about her – even if she didn’t want me doing that because after all, she didn’t listen to me when I asked something of her – so I can’t be all mushy and let her have everything her way too. I find when I’m too soft to girls and don’t push hard enough for things, they begin to take advantage of that so rather than asking her for things, I just took the liberty and finding things myself. However, the feeling is more-than-annoying when information you truly want to know is withheld out of spite!

      Your statement is about 80% right. She definitely did try and I don’t blame her for this or feel she didn’t put in any effort. The reality is our relationship didn’t work out. Who or what is to blame is of no resolution to this – what is done is done. That’s kinda like people who do autopsy’s or something (unless it’s a foul-play incident). When my dad died they asked if I wanted one to be done and my question to them was, “Does it make a difference?” Likewise, to consider why we broke up almost seems moot because she chose to give up and that’s the end-point. She tried to fall in love with me and it didn’t happen. She gave me chances, she really did and I believe it when she tells me. We went from the first time of her saying she’s giving up to the 2nd time where she really is calling it quits now. However, the other 20% is that I do believe at one point she did feel genuinely for me, not just out of obligation or responsiiblity. There was a spark… I guess “was” being the keyword. Maybe at times she tries to deny there wasn’t, but there is.. and I guess we’ll probably both argue that, lol. See, both of us are really wrapped into our own beliefs and thoughts, harhar.

      Oh heck, I know that I’d never want to be in a relationship where it’s a scam where it’s a one-sided love. I know relationships like that are doomed to failure. Just as much as I like to pamper a girl and make her feel awesome, I do expect a reciprocation of that. I don’t expect “equal or more” – I just expect SOME. In all relationships, I do not believe there are ever “50/50” – that’s not a reality, I believe there will always be one who loves one another more – but obviously ours is an unmanageable gap. We both gave it our all and I guess what makes me most disappointed is that it didn’t work out. Maybe I’m just frustrated with failed relationships and I ask myself why I always dip myself into one that doesn’t work out. I wish I never met her and have not gone through all this hardship. It is of course just what I think NOW because awhile later, I will learn to have cherished the experience (as painful as it is).

      I just can’t get over the fact that we both clearly had a thing for each other – yet couldn’t make it work out. I wouldn’t even have let it gone this far if I saw she had no intentions on making it work, so clearly, it wasn’t like I was the only one who felt something initially. We had such a bright future and now it seems so dim. I say dim, only because I mentioned I’m a dreamer. Who knows what the future will bring and perhaps when she’s more ready for a relationship or have went through a couple to know what she “really wants in life” – she can find more out of me. If not, I’m sure she’ll end up with some other guy (which I’ll probably really hate for being able to win her over… and probably want to smash his face in until I calm down).

      I dislike people who act one way and claim another.. or maybe I’ve said that before. I’m so lost in my own thoughts and typing this you’ll have to excuse me if I sound like a broken record. She’ll tell me she feels X-way about me, but act Y-way which is contrary to what she says. It makes me question whether sometimes she even knows herself yet. Maybe I just happen to be the idiot that’s her “experiment subject” to learn about herself and to be the “pretend boyfriend” until she finds a better one… ugh, I dunno, maybe I’m just beating myself down and that’s why I’m thinking all these things. I just dislike it when people aren’t honest about their feelings towards me… if I did make her feeling good at one point, tell me so – because even though you’re telling me that we can’t be together, at least let me know that you HAVE felt something for me, rather than pretending it was nothing all along… at least I have some assurance that I did SOMETHING right.

      What I will say and of course try, is to value our changes in status. Although we may not be boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife in the future, to me, she’s still a good person – someone who deserves my friendship and hope that I deserve the same. Like I said, I’m glad she didn’t go too far as to cut me even off her Facebook because I don’t know what I’d do then. Perhaps in time – in a lot of time (took me a good 3-4 years I think with my ex) before we can talk, sit down for a dinner and enjoy a day together – just as friends. As I’ve always said, I don’t believe a break-up means never being able to enjoy each others company – it just means that we need to reevaluate whether we are couples-quality and finding out we are not, means we have still met a person in our life who we are destined to be friends and have/will a great impact on the person who we are and will become.

      Thanks for taking the time to read my blog – I didn’t know you read it enough to keep up with my “happenings”… and also thanks for your concern and care. It’s so nice to know that even someone on the internet that barely knows me at least is concerned for my well-being – I really appreciate it 🙂

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this happen huneybunz… I’m not sure about the details, but I’m sure when u calm down, u’ll let me know. Whenever u feel rdy and whatever/however more/little u want to share… it must be tough, and I rly dun even know what to say right now.. I guess I just can’t believe she’d do smthg like this – it seems a bit severe but I’m not her and I can’t testify to how she feels. I’m disappointed too by how she approached this, hanging u for so long and then telling u she’s giving up. It’s amazing how such a small incident like seeing each other one extra time a week could cause so much poop. I kno that what I say will not change the fact and I’m not sure whether I should advise u to ‘keep trying’ or ‘give up’… there are no right choices in life, only choices. Talk to me any time k sweetie? Lots of hugz n’ kisses.

    • Hi Ameezz…

      I miss your hugs ‘cuz I really need them right about now.. lots and lots – big ones and small ones. I haven’t even so much as to gotten a hug from bebe before she left me – it’s kinda sad… I at least got one from B&B =\ … anyways, I spent a long time replying to the previous one so I’ll wait on yours or just reply to you on Skype ok? Thanks for coming by…

  3. Just for kicks… my friend Katie gave me this little Zodiac blurb. She’s a big believer in zodiac signs. I’m neither a “full believer” nor a “non-believer”.. this was more just for kicks than anything:

    Aries & Sagittarius

    —————————-

    This combination of signs forms a temperamental match.

    Both signs feature wit, drive, impulsiveness and an active pursuit for social activity. Blissful passion is in store for these two, as long as Aries doesn’t get pushy over the issue of freedom.

    They are highly compatible and will have a dynamic relationship.

    Both are explorers and the relationship is often torrid and exciting.

    Care is needed however, since Aries tends to tackle everything in a hands-on manner whereby Sagittarius may take a more philosophical approach to life.

    With some understanding between the two, differences are bound to be short-lived, and this could be a match made in heaven.

    Then she found one just “about me”:

    He prefers an intelligent woman but certainly not one with ambitions to rule the roost and “wear the trousers”

    Aries Man, Aries the Ram is not like other men of the zodiac – find out how to handle this special Aries Man:

    Marriage to an Aries man can be wonderful where his partner can keep up with his pace of life.

    He has an ability to see through any pretence and therefore prefers an honest approach from a partner. There are no half measures with the Aries man; they are either right into a relationship or completely uninterested.

    and the scary part is about her….:

    This Sagittarius girl is as much an adventurer in love and romance as she is in everything else. With the sign of Sagittarius often referred to as the

    “The bachelor sign,” the Sagittarius woman can often experience some very difficult times when, in committed relationships.

    She is a girl who enjoys a great sense of personal freedom and, it is necessary therefore, that she needs to couple with a partner who can allow the Centaur plenty of room in which to move and roam.

    The Sagittarius woman is one who is often attracted to the “those in distress” syndrome and she can feel gratified when she is in a position to provide help to another to recover from their emotional problems through the act of loving them.

    A Sagittarius woman will commit to and remain with a partner who, is independent by nature, passionately romantic, and one who also possesses the urge to travel and to explore life.

    The most compatible signs for our Sagittarius the “Centaur” are those of Aries and Leo and, Libra and Aquarius can also make excellent partnerships with Sagittarius.

    Taurus and Cancer relationship are also not the easiest and may require some work and, Pisces, Gemini, and Virgo present the greatest relationship challenges for our Sagittarius girl.

    • Well u n’ bebe supposed to make a great couple based on astrology. Apparently yur “differences are short-lived”… that is good, hehehe. 😛

      This part not right wor… :“The Sagittarius woman is one who is often attracted to the “those in distress” syndrome and she can feel gratified when she is in a position to provide help to another to recover from their emotional problems through the act of loving them.”

      otherwise, she should be “helping u to recover” right now by loving u ‘cuz yur “in distress”… how come not? haha.

      • LOL, we would AND do make a great couple… she is one of the few girls where people around us all said we a) looked like a great couple and b) no one accidentally said she was my sister or ‘just a friend’.. but of course astrology is irrelevant when she can’t feel anything. Think of a drill trying to break through a thick wall-of-ice, she’s so frigid to me because that’s how she views me. I had a gleaming look on me whenever I brought her out – because I was very proud to be with her and dating such a wonderful girl. Let’s just say not every girl I’ve dated I actually wanted people to see me – LOL.

        Ya, maybe if I be even a worse of a wreck, she will try to heal me with her loving care? haha… ya right… she can’t even stand talking to me, let alone TLC. I have no idea where her hatred of talking to me comes from… I keep on imagine that she must have something with a guy she knows and doesn’t want me “in the way”… when I find that guy, he’ll have his arms, legs and face rearranged. HAR.

        • HAHAHA… it’s true… there are guys b4 that I kno I would never take home xDD It’s nice to know that you weren’t embarassed to be with her, although I guess yur relationship as a ‘whole’ was pretty secretive. Mayb ‘cuz yur unsure of it and that’s why u didn’t spread the word or anything like that? To hear u so excited when u met her and progressed with her made me smile n’ feel really warm… it’s such a shame that it ended up like this – but yur right, u never kno when ‘take-two’ comes yur way. It might not be in a month, might not be in a year, but sometime down the road, maybe that feeling she had for u at the start will cm right bk! We all grow, mayb u will grow out of her or maybe she’ll grow into u, lol. I must admit that I grew too, ask me a few years ago if I would want to be with Josh – I would say no for sure coz at that time, I saw him as havin’ “nothing to offer”… but later, he pushed his way through my heart ❤ Did u ever let her meet yur mom newayz? Meeting the parents is a good idea sometime 😛

          Mmm… that guy doesn't sound like he's going to b very comfortable when u find him 😛 I'll just stand aside so I dun accidentally get hit by u, kekeke. I def hope she did not get involved with other guys while with u =\ or even "consider" another guy coz that'd be so disloyal, whether u r bf/gf, smthg like that is juz wrong. If u hv the decency not to be "searching" for other girls, she should not be considering other boys either. Guess u were just "practice" for her… haaaiiii so unfair for u being her playtoy. 😦 I want to give u a hug right now…

  4. Hey, come talk to me about this if you feel like it, okay?

    It’s not just the looks that are important, it’s a lot of other tiny things too that makes me attracted to a guy. Sometimes it’s just the one thing that a guy does that makes me fall for him.

    I don’t know why, but it seems that single guys your age “think” they can’t get girlfriends or lose girlfriends BECAUSE they they worthless/ugly/not good enough. Come on. That is not true. It’s just that you haven’t found the one girl who thinks you are perfect. 🙂

    My ex reasons that single guys feel so because:
    – they need to feel down and lonely, to kick-in the drive to kao lui.

    Girls have to feel confident with themselves because:
    -they attract lonely guys who are attracted to confident girls.

    (p.s. Why is bebe so cruel? =.=” OMG.)

    • Thanks for talking to me this morning… not that I don’t enjoy talking to you normally anyways 😛 I’m sooo happy you finally found something that works for you too ^__^ I heart Stayfree as well, so we can both heart Stayfree! I have one more Kotex left and that’s it – once that’s over, I refuse to get anymore unless it’s a really good deal >_< We should stick with our original plan of you going to HK for Christmas and we can meet up there… in which case, you owe me a pack of Malaysian Stayfree 😆 for recommending you to such a great pad! Imagine all the MONEY you're saving too, you definitely owe me something – harhar. I hope you feel better by the time you read this message 🙂 It sucks when I hear ANY of my girls in pain or in discomfort, so if I can soothe your pain, lemme know 😛 I wanna poke your tummy right now, haha.

      I can't say I "feel a lot better" – I mean.. nothing really takes the hurt away. To lose someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with is pain beyond words. Being told that even albeit all the good things she sees in me that’s still not enough to make her say yes… in a way, kinda depressing (not like the whole situation itself isn’t already). Nevertheless, I guess for now, nothing is going to change her stubborn mind, so I’m not going to get all miffed about it. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not sad or angry, but then I also have to learn to control my temper and emotions – after all, there’s still plenty of things I still need to take care of throughout the day. I honestly have a feeling that her friends were actually trying to bring us together, she has a bunch of good level-headed friends.. unfortunately it wasn’t enough to persuade her that I’m “good enough for her”. Apparently I am not.

      I don’t know if you know the Cantonese expression, “Bottom of the orange barrel”… but it’ll probably be what I end up being -_-” The last guy to get picked as a boyfriend or husband, only because that girls is getting too old and she wants to have kids or something. You hear about it all the time, lol… the girls who are getting close to “high-risk pregnancy” and want to pop the kids out and the guy practically ends up being a sperm-donor.. ya, I can totally see that happening given my shitty life.

      I like to kao lui, I’m notorious for that… I enjoy sweet-talking girls, even when I know it won’t end up anywhere. Maybe my issue is I always pick the girls who are “out of my league”…. I guess bebe would be a good example – she’s too good for a guy like me, yet I feel I “think” I can get a girl like her 🙄 I need to lower my standards or something… because obviously I’m not as “great” as I once thought I was. I always seem to kao the girls who don’t like me – haha, see why I say my life sucks? 😛

      Um… I feel down and lonely plenty of times – I don’t see any positive improvements, haha. Every girl I like is a girl who won’t like me. Every girl who I have a spark with, we have this intense jump in our relationship, only to find that the more she looks at me, the more she can’t stand looking at me. It’s like my face makes them puke or something so then they say, “no feel” and it’s enough of a reason for them to run away. There are times I want to be carefree like my cousin. I was just talking to him a while ago, when bebe and I were still together and he asked me if I wanted to go one-night-stand with a girl when I go back to HK… and I said no ‘cuz I’m with a girl and I wouldn’t do something like that. Now I think I need to reconsider -_- Haii…

      I hope you’re on tomorrow – it’s great to talk to you – I really want just to cool down and have something to keep my mind off it. Every time I think about what’s happened between us (bebe and I) – I flare up like a volcano. My friend treated me to a round of shooting today because he knows I like that as a way of relieving stress. It was really nice of him, but I couldn’t concentrate and I had some terrible accuracy. He encouraged me just to “let it all out” and I’m sometimes competitive (especially when it comes to shooting) and I just hate seeing my shots fly all over the place or hit the wrong thing. I took a breather because I had to get my head on straight. Since I couldn’t concentrate, I just said to myself… imagine it’s her new boyfriend on the other side, and on my next group of shots, I landed 5 of them in the head all within 3 inches of each other, LOL. I guess that’s how some people have good accuracy when they think of someone they truly truly hate XD I remember when we learned how to play “dodge ball” our teacher would always try to get us to throw the ball straight and to hit the player on the other end to “put them in jail” … and he’d say, “Think of the other player as the bully on the playground.. you want to hit him/her and let the ball fly out your hands straight and true!” Using “thoughts” to control your state-of-mind really helps, haha.

      Either way, what’s done is done. Maybe in time, she will find it in her heart that she realizes she loves me… or.. it’s all over, that’s pretty much it. I can say, it’s totally a waste of our potential because really, the potential for a grand relationship is there, it just needs to be ‘tapped into’. She’s hard-headed and so am I – so to each our own thoughts. Her points and feelings are equally valid as mine. I don’t think my thoughts are the “right ones” – but they are my thoughts nonetheless.

      Like we were talking about this morning though, at least you recognized I could be myself again, lol. I no longer have to ‘hide’ myself and want to say/do certain things but can’t in fear of “offending her”… I couldn’t even tell her she’s pretty with her giving me a weird response -_-” as if I swore at her or something. I don’t think calling a girl, especially one you’re dating, “beautiful” is some kind of crime. It’s the discomfort she has with ME that makes her feel like when I say that, it is bad. If it came out of some leng jai’s mouth, she’d be drooling and perked up like no tomorrow. She wanted things from me like not putting up pics of girls on my MSN, yet she didn’t treat me fully like a boyfriend enough to start asking things of me. So I took it off and never used another girl-pic again (unless it was a family pic or someone I took a pic with), but that still isn’t enough to satisfy her. I did it because I wanted to show her my commitment and that I respect her requests of me. Yet when I ask something simple of her – no is the response I get… or wait, even worse NO response. Now I think to myself, since she’s ignoring me now ANYWAYS, I mind as well go and plaster my MSN with her pics because her defense was she was going to ignore me if I kept on doing that, but hey, she’s doing it now anyways, what’s the loss right? But then again, I tell myself – no, that is NOT the manly thing to do. That is selfish and wrong and still impolite. I have not done that because you didn’t say a single thing wrong this morning, “You still love her don’t you? Zzzzz”… yes, yes I do and I’d be lying if I denied it. There is a Chinese saying, “Why have one more enemy when you could have one extra friend?” It’s true… even if I did do everything she DIDN’T want me to do, that doesn’t make our situation better – only worse. Better to hope that she will recognize that I have virtues and even though we’re apart now, that I still stick to my word. Funny she said that when I had one of her pics up at one point, it made her feel “uncomfortable” – but oddly, that discomfort never went away even though I did as she asked 😛 She asked, I gave… but still… no feel. I do not know how low I must sink, did she want me to lick the dirt from her shoe or crawl between her legs (not sure if you understand that expression)? Yes, revenge is always a thought – but it’s one I do not want to harbour. I still care about her very much, and I don’t think deteriorating the situation even more helps us in any way. At least I’m satisfied that she hasn’t completely kicked me out of her life.

      Enough ranting from me anyways. I want to talk about the happy stuff like we did this morning 😀 It was great and thanks for staying with me so long. We still need to get Starcraft working, lol… get Crossloop installed so I can do the configurations for you 😛 ‘cuz yur either too lazy or don’t know how to, haha. In the meantime, all this money you saved from not buying Kotex and buying Stayfree… consider investing in a new computer 😆 !!!!

      (p.s : I don’t know, I’m not her… either way, I still don’t like it when people badmouth or think she’s cruel… I’m not saying what she did was “right” but it’s not “wrong” either.. it’s just ways different people react/handle certain situations)

      • I don’t know what else to say, because I’ve heard your story from another male friend of mine too, so sad 😦 The only thing I can say now is: Forget about the past and move on. Relax. Get yourself busy so you don’t think about her. Open your eyes for new girls 😛

        HAHAHA I’m already saving up for hair treatment (to get rid of the uncontrollable frizz), a new hand phone, and now a new computer? I am dead broke. T__________T

        • LOL, one after another eh? Us guys are dropping like dead flies. Damn Malaysian girls are guy-killers 😆 I don’t even know what to do now. HK girls are gold-diggers. Taiwanese girls spend too much on make-up. Thai girls.. may or may not be girls. SG girls are a bit too open… and now, Malaysian girls are heart-breakers, hahaha… not that many girls left I like wor XD I guess maybe a Japanese girl? At least they may be into my kinky fetishes too? HAHAHAHA.

          Where I live there are very few Asian girls, so it’s rather hard. If I had met some of bebe’s friends, maybe at least I could kau one of them.. or maybe that’s why she never let me meet them XD muhahha. Oh well… when fate arrives, the time will come. Doesn’t mean I’ll just sit here and do nothing, but I’m not going to “go out of my way” just to ‘find’ a girl. Whatever happens happens… If I get in one now, it’ll be just for the sake of getting in one and I don’t want to end up in a relationship where I’m just “using” the girl to hide my own sorrows of losing bebe.

          Can’t you do straightening yourself? Or get one of your friends to help you? The place where I went to get my hair done, I saw they had a “Japanese Permanent Hair Straightening” procedure and it was only $90CAD. Not bad if it lasts for quite a while. Yes, frizzies don’t look good on you…neither does green haha. Why can’t you wear that sexy grey one or the navy blue? Looks way better 😛 New computer cheap now… not as expensive as it used to be. Can buy a new computer for like 400-500CAD and can decently play most games.

  5. dearest friend in Kanada,
    i’m really sorry to read about this… even though i didn’t talk to you very much, i felt how attached you were to her and damn, it’s kinda fucked up that she wrote you a thing over facebook and that’s how your relationship ended. and don’t think that you’re ugly or a reject because after-all, she did have -something- with you. maybe it was love, maybe it wasn’t. but it was definitely a something special that created happiness.

    i don’t want you to beat yourself up over this, just be glad that it happened and be glad that you were able to experience it.

    and you’re not ugly!!! you have nice hair and those awesome glasses that change according to the light!! (voice is a plus, bwahaha)

    anyway, i haven’t been online for a couple days, but if you wanna talk about anything (seriously, anything), let’s talk because i don’t have specific topics to discuss about, am i right? 😛

    • Bleh, it was so sad that you were gone for so long but I’m glad you’re back! Nah, what needs to be said was already said through here and I finally had the willpower to message her back. If I keep thinking about her, it’ll just get me more wrapped up. Rather, I just want to be back to myself, where I don’t have to feel guilty when I do and say certain things. Having to bite my tongue when I’m in a perfect opportunity to crack a ‘bad’ joke is hard 😆 – what? I’m a guy, haha.

      Poh Ching thinks I’m trying to “act happy” or “be a bad boy” because my “machismo” doesn’t allow me to show my unhappiness. No, the reality is that I am feeling ‘ok’ and that what I’m showing is what/who I am. If I feel sad or angry, I show that, LOL – I have no problems with ever displaying my emotions. Nevertheless, I’ve accepted the scenario for now and although it does make my heart heavy, it does not mean I do not need to carry out my day and still enjoy life – because life every moment should be a blessing. Before bebe put me on the leash (lol), I’m enjoy my flirty-time with girls and dirty-talking 😛 Obviously I have my limits too since some dirty-talk to restricted to bf/gf only, haha – but cockiness with girls really does work (for most girls – LOL, obviously not her…) I guess most of my readers here don’t know me enough other than a few who know me in person, but although it may seem I’m flower-heart in my relationship with bebe, it’s just because she couldn’t give me that reciprocation and assuredly of our relationship. If she did, you bet there would be no flower-heart in me at all. Maybe you could even say we were in an open relationship because to her, there was nothing official about this (sad thought eh?).

      Hey, how can you claim we haven’t talked a lot? LOL… you have no idea how much you can learn about a person through chatting and reading their blogs. And voice chat makes a huge difference when getting to know someone 😛 You might be surprized how much I know about you 😆 huuuurrrr Albiet it doesn’t seem like a long time since we’ve actively talked, don’t forget quality over quantity. 🙂

      I think she had a thing for me, I have her admitting it to me before, but of course everyone likes to backpedal and say they don’t 😛 It’s a lot easier than pretending that there was spark. I wish I could say I never felt anything for her, because it’d make the situation so much more easier to handle… but that’s not the reality. The reality is even to this day, I still feel something for her and how long that’s going to take to go away is a question yet-to-be-answered. However, at least now I have the “right” to be playful with other girls since she doesn’t want me anymore 😆 Nevertheless, she told me this really awkward story afterward and it makes me wonder why she told me that story. Is she telling me that because we weren’t “official” that she’s still been involved with other guys during this time? Even I didn’t go so far as to looking for other girls while I was with her -_-” Now if these guys ever unfortunately let me find out who they are…. lol….

      Ohh.. and about my hair, btw, I cut it short now… so it’s not my nice long hair anymore, LOL… that picture is outdated now 😛 Did you tell your mom that I wasn’t cute as she might’ve thought? I don’t want to disappoint auntie…haha. My glasses don’t change colour, I hate transitional… they’re “clip-ons” which are even better because they I can control when I want it to be dark or not. Sometimes transitional change at the worst times, so that’s why I don’t get them – but I do have to carry an extra thing, ugh. You even got me all happy about my voice, last night I was digging out some oldies music on Youtube and some I have in my songs directory and singing love-songs, LOL… I dunno, I still thinking hearing my own voice is gross but maybe my voice is ok 😀 At least I know that I can still (somewhat) attract 18 year old Asian girls (mmm.. every guy’s dream) – HAHAHAHAHA, my life is good, I can die happy 😆 My friend Michele gave me 2 pieces of advice a while ago and it kinda make me laugh because we were discussing relationships, 1) You want a girl with experience, a la knowing how to make a guy happy in and outside of a bedroom. Nothing is worse than a girl who can’t pleasure you, LOL. She never dates virgin guys, haha, 2) Find someone who’s at least the same age if not older – they have bearing in life and know-what-they-want (hopefully) and they’re serious about their commitments. Now that I think about it, why am I a sucker for younger girls? haha. I like that they’re still silly and childish and retain a bit of their innocence. Why do people always like things/people not right for them? haha. You make me happy though 😀 So…. if we ever do a voice chat outside of a broadcasted location, I will sing you a song XD

      We can talk about anything too, I don’t really care. Anything that makes me smile and laugh is all I care about right now and I need plenty of it. It was how I “got over” the first time she ignored me for 6 months because I would just spend my days with friends either over Skype, phone or in person just talking bullshit and laughing because I couldn’t stand the horrible heart-breaky feeling of whenever I’m not engaged in doing something.

      • ” At least I know that I can still (somewhat) attract 18 year old Asian girls (mmm.. every guy’s dream)” LOLWUT?! Hahaha that’s hilarious. But yes, I’m super glad that you’re making the best of things; definitely the most productive thing you can do right now. 🙂 just acknowledge it and move on, yeah? but ‘booooooo’ that she didn’t think you guys were official. that’s kind of a load of baloney. 😦

        and your voice IS amazing, jeeeeez. when i was in ocean shores with my buddy, we were just talking about how i always see the positives in people and he always sees the negative. and then, we were talking about allllll the positives and negatives about people and ourselves. he said that i’m really stubborn and hardheaded and in states of weakness, i get panicky and it results in being too spontaneous (in a bad way, i guess). but yeah, for some reason, when i think about people, i remember their good traits like, “oh, he was really good at math” or “yeah, she had really pretty eyes”. stuff like that. i think it’s a nice way to look at things, mhmm so i’m sure your hair is fine. you went to some fancy salon, right?

        younger girls, pshhh…….. it’s all about this one duuuuuude. hahah the most picturesque guy i know. but sing me a song still. 😛

        • Shit, I really wanted to reply to this… but my friend just called me to ask me if I wanted to go to a show in Niagara Falls ‘cuz the other girls she was going with didn’t want to go … guess I get a free show and meal outta this 😆 I’ll be on tonight if you are!

          ————-

          Rather than posting a new reply, you’re getting one here, haha. It’s not a matter of making the best of things, lol – ‘cuz there’s nothing great about being broken up with a girl you’re crazy over.. but it’s a matter of accepting how much reality sucks 😛 Sometimes I wish I could live in a dream-world, haha. It’s nice to fall asleep sometime and imagine she’s next to me and I can whisper in her ears and tell her that I love her (I have a big long pillow for that XD)… it’s just the feeling of having someone beside you that’s a sweet feeling. I love dreaming, hehe.

          I wouldn’t say “moving on” is the word since you never know what happens in the future. I know it may or may not be a good thing, but hey, our future is not ours to predict right? This one girl I broke up with a long time ago, the other day I met her under the most unusual circumstances for work. I couldn’t believe it, who knew that someone I once dated would work in the same organization (but not place) as I world? Haha… it’s a small world apparently 😛 Luckily we didn’t break up on “bad terms” so we met up, had a lunch and enjoyed our time without hard feelings. I still carry on my days dreaming about the day bebe’s gonna fall into my arms ^__^

          So I read your entry on u n’ Ellie 😉 very cute… well since Ellie is now technically a “free man” think about it 😀 Oh for fucks sake, you’re stubborn and hard-headed? I don’t need to meet anymore girls who are like that, LOL – I know plenty of those already -__-” Haha, so I know your weakness – I will endeavour to make you panic that way you lose your stability, hahaha. It’s great that you can remember everyone’s good traits… I tend to err on remembering the “bad” things about people – which it say is a terrible thing to harbour on and it’s definitely not the “right” thing to do, but that changed as I grew up. My mom the other day mentioned when I was a little kid, I used to be like you. I used to envision that humans are nice and I should give the benefit of the doubt. I imagined humanity was all good, everyone had good intentions. However, much to my chagrin, this mentality has changed. It used to be, “You have my respect until you do something to lose it.” now it is rather “You get no respect from me until you earn it.” I’m very happy to hear you’re a good lil’girl who sees the positives of everyone 🙂 Maybe I’ll regain my goodwill towards humanity one day, haha.

          Ya, I went to some fancy salon – but when it comes to guy’s hair, I think it’s a lot simpler than girl’s hair. A guy’s haircut can only “go so wrong” – LOL, even if shit hits the fan. Things can go really bad for girls – especially ones with long hair. But… I llluurrvv the long hair on girls 😀 bebe has the most beautiful hair ever XD Makes me gleam in proudness, hahaha. The design of it is like a caesar cut and I can spike the front, but sometimes I prefer it down as well – depending on what I’m doing. I spike it up for the weekend and leave it down for the weekday, just to maintain a more “clean” and “professional” look for work. It kinda makes me look like I have bangs, hahahaha.

          What do you mean by your last statement, I don’t get it =\ Maybe I’m dense. Are you still mulling over the Henry guy with the nice muscles, abs and big dick? 😐 Do clarify please…

  6. i know he’s not single! OF COURSE I KNOW THAT! but like me, he’s going away to new york, brooklyn, to be exact. we just talked about this less than an hour ago. he has people to miss: his family, his friends, NOT ONLY THE GIRLFRIEND. and i’m in the friend category. we’re gonna be busy with school and brooklyn and manhattan are completely different worlds!!!!!

    do i seem stubborn and hard-headed to you? i show different parts of my personality based off of who i’m talking to. that’s normal, for me at least…

    and yeah, i believe there’re HELLA bad people. but all people look pleasant (physically) to me in the first place until their personality makes me think badly of them. then i think they’re oogly. like actually.

    long hair takes too much effort. and i don’t think long hair suits me either.
    wtf is a caesar cut?!?!?!??!

    not henry. LMAO!! he does have nice muscles and abs. but i dunno about the dick part!!! there’s just this person i never see anymore, but he’s really picturesque to me. my friend, mori, always says, “i still think his friend is cuter.” and perhaps he is, but this dude just draws me in. yup, he’s amazing. but enough gushing from this side. hahaha

    • I fixed the horrible typo.. it wasn’t supposed to say he’s, “not” a free man.. supposed to say he’s “now” a free man… HAHAHA. I was saying you should consider him, now that you don’t have the girlfriend in the way 😉 I think most people start from the friends category and move up – very few people just “dive” in a relationship unless it’s like love-at-first-sight or something. You two would look pretty cute together 😛 Are you into the Filipino guys? I’ve only seen 2-3 Filipino girls before that made me go “wow” – and that’s not to say there aren’t more of them, I just don’t happen to know them. One of the girls who used to read here a lot is Filipino and then she left to a smaller town (with no internet, lol) for school and doesn’t come here as much anymore… she was purty 😀 She should’ve went to become Miss Asia instead of a doctor, lol.

      I see your stubborn and hard-headedness mainly within the scope of your blog, but not so much when I talk to you. When I talk to you, you act all innocent and shit, but I know you’re totally not, LOL. You make this huge reaction when I say stuff when I know that you secretly know that + more… LOL! Stop playing the shy game, it’s not working XD It just makes you look even more coy and more like, “she knows more than what she’s letting on” haha.

      Ya, when I had long hair, it’s hard to maintain… takes me a good few minutes to work the comb through and stuff. Now with short hair, I take this little pick – run it through my hair and I’m out the door, lol. Long hair is smexy on girls, I love it. Some girls do carry short-hair well though. I don’t consider you having short hair – just not long either… somewhere in between.

      The Caesar cut is a men’s hairstyle with a short, horizontally straight cut fringe. The hair is layered to around 2-5 cm (1-2 inches) all over. It is named after Julius Caesar, whose images frequently depict him wearing his hair in such a manner.

      It is also called a Clooney cut because it was worn by actor George Clooney on the television series ER.

      I’m impressed with his ability to stay so fit… perhaps I should get some tips off him, lol. Good thing if I look down, I can still see my toes and pe…. never mind 😆 (I’m so so bad… my god, I’ve been leashed up for too long) There are definitely people who look good/bad in person but are the opposite in photos. I do not hold well in pictures at all and think I look a lot better in person. Maybe it also has to do with distance and angle, there are some pictures I look ok in. I still haven’t went through all your pictures for Ocean Shores yet, but the hair + wind = good, lol. Don’t forget that before you leave, you should definitely call that guy up and let him know you’re leaving and ask for a present 😉 He might give you a “night to remember” as a farewell gift.

      And you damn Americans spoiled by short distances or something? Brooklyn and Manhattan are 32 minutes away from each other.. it takes me almost 30 minutes just to get to bebe’s house… how is that even considered far? LOL…. there’s a friggin highway too, haha.

    • Ohh… I want to meet this SHHEEXXY BOY 😀

  7. Amy W.Y Kok says:
    July 18, 2010 at 1:50 AM

    HAHAHA… it’s true… there are guys b4 that I kno I would never take home xDD It’s nice to know that you weren’t embarassed to be with her, although I guess yur relationship as a ‘whole’ was pretty secretive. Mayb ‘cuz yur unsure of it and that’s why u didn’t spread the word or anything like that? To hear u so excited when u met her and progressed with her made me smile n’ feel really warm… it’s such a shame that it ended up like this – but yur right, u never kno when ‘take-two’ comes yur way. It might not be in a month, might not be in a year, but sometime down the road, maybe that feeling she had for u at the start will cm right bk! We all grow, mayb u will grow out of her or maybe she’ll grow into u, lol. I must admit that I grew too, ask me a few years ago if I would want to be with Josh – I would say no for sure coz at that time, I saw him as havin’ “nothing to offer”… but later, he pushed his way through my heart ❤ Did u ever let her meet yur mom newayz? Meeting the parents is a good idea sometime 😛

    Mmm… that guy doesn't sound like he's going to b very comfortable when u find him 😛 I'll just stand aside so I dun accidentally get hit by u, kekeke. I def hope she did not get involved with other guys while with u =\ or even "consider" another guy coz that'd be so disloyal, whether u r bf/gf, smthg like that is juz wrong. If u hv the decency not to be "searching" for other girls, she should not be considering other boys either. Guess u were just "practice" for her… haaaiiii so unfair for u being her playtoy. 😦 I want to give u a hug right now…

    Haha, of course I wasn’t embarrassed to be with her… she is my life’s pride n’ joy! When I walked around with her, I felt so confident. When people looked at us, I’d think to myself, “That’s my beautiful girl! Everyone’s jealous of me XD” lol… The feeling of being proud to be with a girl you would happily let everyone meet is really important to me. If I was with a girl who I’d be too embarrassed to be caught by my friends or family – then she probably wouldn’t be around for long. I actually told a lot of my friends that I was with someone, it wasn’t SUPER secretive, I just didn’t want to make it a huge deal until she was comfortable with me to do so.

    Nah, she never met my mom… but I wouldn’t object to it if she was ok with it or asked to. In fact, I’d be more-than-happy… and truth be told is that I actually think the both of them would get along and again, that’s also important that we can integrate into each others family. Speaking of family though, her mom is actually here =\ and this would’ve been almost like a once-in-a-blue-moon chance I could’ve gotten to meet her and be introduced… but alas. I’m sure I could actually give her mom quite the good impression 😀 Yes, when it comes to parents, I’m actually quite confident, haha. People always fear the “meet the parents” – I actually love meet the parents because it shows a degree of seriousness AND also because I think if one is capable of winning the boy/girl’s parents over, that’s ONLY to your advantage!!

    Even if she didn’t introduce me as her “boyfriend” and just a “friend” – I’d still be ok with it (given the current circumstances)… and I’d still be more than happy to drive them around and show them to places. She’s having a hard time now trying to balance school, personal time and also keeping her mom company. I know it’s tough because when I have family visit me it takes quite a toll and given that’s her mom, it’s even more important. Honestly, I’d still be quite happy to help her out albeit everything that’s happened – because she’s still important to me and even as a friend, it’s not unusual to help one another out. To be able to lift some responsibility off her hands would be wonderful and certainly, it’d suck for auntie not to have anything to do. But… sigh…. guess I shouldn’t bother thinking about it.

    Damn it, you shouldn’t have started me on the topic of meeting the parents 😦

    And you can give me a hug when you see me in 4 months, hehe… or wait.. 5 months – or something like that. We haven’t booked yet, but mom’s still hunting for a good deal!

  8. U take so much pride in her xDD u must really care for her… but that’s to go without saying rite? 😛 Dun worry abt meeting her parents la, plenty of opportunity when u two get married…. kekekekek 😆

    Btw… it might make u happy to kno that my last period wuz kinda heavy… so if u cm online, I can tell u all abt it 😉

    • Haha yes, whether she does big things or small things, she always makes me proud! I think that’s the thing – people think that person X must always reciporate to person Y in order to be “worth” it.. but sometimes it’s not the case. Although I never got to see her graduate, I am proud of her. Although I never saw the smile on her face when her mom arrived, I am happy for her. Even though she celebrated graduation with her friends and I wasn’t there, I am happy for her.

      I am so happy and proud for her accomplishments and great moments in her life that I do not have to witness it to feel great. People think I’m foolish, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned to trust when it comes to relationships – is my heart. Depending on your heart to “call the shots” for work or day-to-day things may not be a good idea, but when it comes to knowing who’s important in your life – there’s no better part of your body to tell you that.

      LOL @ your marriage statement… now you’re just RUBBING IT IN MY FACE eh?

      Ohh ya, I wanna hear about it – haha.. turned it on now la, but gonna sit back, eat a few crackers and finish this episode first.. I’m almost done it, yay! Heavy periods = best thing ever 😆 (for me at least)

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