This morning I woke up to a stark revelation for some reason. I had a good nights sleep – or well rather I should say, a decent sleep comforted by knowing bebe has all the intentions of returning to Canada after her vacation. Nevertheless, it hurts me greatly that she doesn’t want to have a lunch/dinner with me because she’d feel it’d be too awkward right now. Sigh is right, but as you can tell from reading my blog, my life is pretty shitty. I’m pretty sure some homeless bum on the street probably has a better love-life than I do. Ok so enough emo for a bit, I just wanted to say that I had a spark of life-eurpohria when I woke up today.
As the clock struck 8:30AM and my alarm went off, I rolled awake and all of a sudden I did feel lucky. I woke up this morning, alive. I opened my eyes and I could see (a bit blurry though of my poor vision, lol). I asked my fingers and toes to move and they did without hesitation. I breathed in air and didn’t choke on it. I don’t hear bombs falling next to my house. I feel energized and healthy – what more can I ask for at this time? I got up and looked up my window, a beautiful backyard, squirrels running and birds chirping. Yes, I am unhappy because I won’t see bebe for over half a year and she won’t even let me do a lunch/dinner with her – but still, life seems so grand albiet all the problems. I have something that many people do not, a healthy body, a restful sleep, money in my wallet and food/shelter. I know everyone who has these luxuries wake up everyday and realizes yet, we rarely show appreciation for it, but rather, we bitch and moan at these shortcomings of life.
Over the past few days I have been less-than-happy and my mood has been pretty sour with people. I’ve been doing a lot of gaming just to keep my mind off the situation and all and I’ll probably continue to immerse my life in doing senseless and objective-less things until she comes back. Any time I sit down and my mind is calm, I think about her. I sit at my desk staring at her picture and my mind wanders off into our future of bliss together. I pick up my phone and look at that beautiful smile of hers on my wallpaper, I open my wallet to see her picture thinking that I can one day share my credit cards and bank account with her, and I fall asleep with her picture sitting on my desk as she watches over me while I snooze and dream of her… god, how can a girl be so cruel to me yet I’m totally crazy over her?
I tell myself 6 months is a lot of time, yet really, not a lot of time. On one hand, when I go back to Hong Kong this year, I don’t have to worry about leaving her behind in Canada. I can perhaps have my last year of being single and being able to fool around with girls while I’m there (AHERM, not sexually, just playfully) and sweet-talk them without feeling guilty. She has half a year to think about her future, what she wants and truly desires from life. I have half a year to be a new and better person. If I lose 2 pounds every month, I will be 12lbs lighter by the time she returns. She will return to Canada fresh from her trip, glowing and vibrant just as I saw her for the very first time in her glory. So much can be accomplished in 6 months that I realized I should not waste this opportunity or see it as hell-on-earth, but a chance for rediscovery and yearn.
Instead of wallowing in my own shit, I have decided to enjoy every moment of these 6 months and although she is not next to me, I should cherish life as it is. My mom always tells me, single life is when I should enjoy the freedom and flexibility. I don’t have to worry about obligations with my girlfriend and planning around each others life. I do not see relationships that way, but obviously there is a degree of obligation to each other and naturally so. I remember at one time I used to rush my life, same with my ex’s, I’d look forward to something so much that when we got to that point in time, things were not as I imagined. Likewise, I want to use these 6 months to prove to her, I am the guy she wants – I am the guy who can complete her life. I don’t want to waste away and rush 6 months waiting for her return, but rather, use these 6 months constructively as if they were my last days on earth. I think as we get older, we realize how every minute counts. When we’re young, we’re invincible and time is not against us. As we get older, we realize that the smaller and finer things in life is what truly makes us happy. Money does not make me happy. Bebe makes me happy – money just acts as a way for us to create moments of happiness for us and memories of eating together, doing an activity together or playing games together – but money is not the end-all-be-all.
I’m excited for 6 months from now, but I’m also exciting about my upcoming vacation. Every little thing will help me make my way through the half a year without her, but I think, if I really do get to spend the rest of my life with her, should she not deserve time with her family/friends and since I will have her for years to come? I am a bit greedy ya and a bit selfish, but love is like that – sometimes what you want is undeniable and even when you recognize it as a flaw, it seems so right. So I’m resolved to making the best of these 6 months and not rushing through it just to get to an end-point. The only thing I’m looking forward to is when she falls into my arms and looks up so I can stare down at her dreamy eyes. Haha, I’m such a believer and a hopeless romantic – hai!
Nevertheless, I should probably get back to work after this quick update. I got a request from one of my readers about a topic I should write on, so time for me to start brainstorming on this! Toodles for now.
Posted on August 4, 2010, in Personal and tagged Blog, Family, Family Life, Girlfriend, Girls, Interests, Life, My Life, Opinion, People, Personal, Sleep, Thoughts. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.