Morning Revelations

This morning I woke up to a stark revelation for some reason. I had a good nights sleep – or well rather I should say, a decent sleep comforted by knowing bebe has all the intentions of returning to Canada after her vacation. Nevertheless, it hurts me greatly that she doesn’t want to have a lunch/dinner with me because she’d feel it’d be too awkward right now. Sigh is right, but as you can tell from reading my blog, my life is pretty shitty. I’m pretty sure some homeless bum on the street probably has a better love-life than I do. Ok so enough emo for a bit, I just wanted to say that I had a spark of life-eurpohria when I woke up today.

As the clock struck 8:30AM and my alarm went off, I rolled awake and all of a sudden I did feel lucky. I woke up this morning, alive. I opened my eyes and I could see (a bit blurry though of my poor vision, lol). I asked my fingers and toes to move and they did without hesitation. I breathed in air and didn’t choke on it. I don’t hear bombs falling next to my house. I feel energized and healthy – what more can I ask for at this time? I got up and looked up my window, a beautiful backyard, squirrels running and birds chirping. Yes, I am unhappy because I won’t see bebe for over half a year and she won’t even let me do a lunch/dinner with her – but still, life seems so grand albiet all the problems. I have something that many people do not, a healthy body, a restful sleep, money in my wallet and food/shelter. I know everyone who has these luxuries wake up everyday and realizes yet, we rarely show appreciation for it, but rather, we bitch and moan at these shortcomings of life.

Over the past few days I have been less-than-happy and my mood has been pretty sour with people. I’ve been doing a lot of gaming just to keep my mind off the situation and all and I’ll probably continue to immerse my life in doing senseless and objective-less things until she comes back. Any time I sit down and my mind is calm, I think about her. I sit at my desk staring at her picture and my mind wanders off into our future of bliss together. I pick up my phone and look at that beautiful smile of hers on my wallpaper, I open my wallet to see her picture thinking that I can one day share my credit cards and bank account with her, and I fall asleep with her picture sitting on my desk as she watches over me while I snooze and dream of her… god, how can a girl be so cruel to me yet I’m totally crazy over her?

I tell myself 6 months is a lot of time, yet really, not a lot of time. On one hand, when I go back to Hong Kong this year, I don’t have to worry about leaving her behind in Canada. I can perhaps have my last year of being single and being able to fool around with girls while I’m there (AHERM, not sexually, just playfully) and sweet-talk them without feeling guilty. She has half a year to think about her future, what she wants and truly desires from life. I have half a year to be a new and better person. If I lose 2 pounds every month, I will be 12lbs lighter by the time she returns. She will return to Canada fresh from her trip, glowing and vibrant just as I saw her for the very first time in her glory. So much can be accomplished in 6 months that I realized I should not waste this opportunity or see it as hell-on-earth, but a chance for rediscovery and yearn.

Instead of wallowing in my own shit, I have decided to enjoy every moment of these 6 months and although she is not next to me, I should cherish life as it is. My mom always tells me, single life is when I should enjoy the freedom and flexibility. I don’t have to worry about obligations with my girlfriend and planning around each others life. I do not see relationships that way, but obviously there is a degree of obligation to each other and naturally so. I remember at one time I used to rush my life, same with my ex’s, I’d look forward to something so much that when we got to that point in time, things were not as I imagined. Likewise, I want to use these 6 months to prove to her, I am the guy she wants – I am the guy who can complete her life. I don’t want to waste away and rush 6 months waiting for her return, but rather, use these 6 months constructively as if they were my last days on earth. I think as we get older, we realize how every minute counts. When we’re young, we’re invincible and time is not against us. As we get older, we realize that the smaller and finer things in life is what truly makes us happy. Money does not make me happy. Bebe makes me happy – money just acts as a way for us to create moments of happiness for us and memories of eating together, doing an activity together or playing games together – but money is not the end-all-be-all.

I’m excited for 6 months from now, but I’m also exciting about my upcoming vacation. Every little thing will help me make my way through the half a year without her, but I think, if I really do get to spend the rest of my life with her, should she not deserve time with her family/friends and since I will have her for years to come? I am a bit greedy ya and a bit selfish, but love is like that – sometimes what you want is undeniable and even when you recognize it as a flaw, it seems so right. So I’m resolved to making the best of these 6 months and not rushing through it just to get to an end-point. The only thing I’m looking forward to is when she falls into my arms and looks up so I can stare down at her dreamy eyes. Haha, I’m such a believer and a hopeless romantic – hai!

Nevertheless, I should probably get back to work after this quick update. I got a request from one of my readers about a topic I should write on, so time for me to start brainstorming on this! Toodles for now.

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on August 4, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. “…….how can a girl be so cruel to me yet I’m totally crazy over her?”

    That’s the thing about love – it makes you do silly things and accept crap 😛 But it’s fun isn’t it 🙂

    • I don’t recall the words “fun” and “hurt greatly” is a good combination in the same sentence, haha. Yes, there are times when I know there are things I can’t stand about her and I think to myself, “What if we get married? I have to put up with it for the rest of my life” – but let’s be real, we don’t find a PERFECT match, we find an “acceptable” match, knowing that there are certain things we can contend with. I cannot say any of the girlfriends I ever had fulfilled 100% of my expectations and even doing 95% is good enough. This is life, this is not a test where we can score perfect – we score perfection within the imperfection.

      I’m sure there are things about me she hates, but the thing is, is it worth accepting that small flaw about me for a guy who loves and cares for her greatly, right? I know the idea of simply finding an “acceptable” person sounds crude, almost like we “take whatever we can get” – but that’s not what I think, it’s just a matter of knowing that there is no person who can offer all the exact traits we want, other than ourselves. The only person who’s like me in this world is ME – and no one else. Love really is a grand thing, because albiet all she puts me through, I still am lovey-dovey over her. A few of my macho-guy-friends think I’m being a wimp and “letting a girl step all over me” and that I should “teach her a lesson” – but I could never feel that way. I can understand how they view me, that I’m totally getting played and having my life fucked over by a single girl, yet I’m still always so happy when I think of her.

      You had it right when you said I’m mean on the outside, soft on the inside, LOL – and that I can be really mean, but once I see a picture of her, I become mush 😆 Maybe I’ll get my graphics designer to photoshop a picture of us together with her arms around me 😄 Just so I can sit it on my bed mantle, haha.. I’m sure my mom will start asking questions 😛 Love makes people irrational and I’m so guilty of it. Occurrences in life is sometimes all about timing. Maybe I’m crazy over her now, but won’t be after a while. She’s not crazy about me now, but maybe will in the future when I stop liking her, LOL. I surely hope that’s not the case and we continue to care for each other for better-or-worse, haha. I love talking about bebe, because she brings me happiness, fulfillment and I’m so proud when I talk about her with other people!! Whether good or bad, she is the special girl of my life!! 😀

      And to answer your question about how I can “not miss her” by MSN and Skypeing her? I fucking wish, lol… she’s still doing the same thing she was before -_- I’ll be lucky if I even get to MSN with her, let alone Skype her, BLAH – fucking life. Night night babe.

    • Haha agree w/ yur frd lor… isn’t it so much more exciting to be chasing her? It’ll be boring when she gives in and let u love her, better now that she dangles a little string and lead u arnd xDD Now that she’s out-of-school, this is when u two’s life reali begins newayz. When ppl r in school, they dun reali hv the patience to deal with relationships, especially when their studies r hard. Relationships during school often r “juz for fun” or “end when school is over” coz u reali begin to look for a “partner” – not juz someone who u can hang out with between-classes or after skool.

      Many relationships fall apart shortly after graduation coz ppl then look and expect diff things. We become more attuned that we’re no longer sheltered by skool and have even more drive and obligation in life to start a career and of coz for those who want, a family. Many ppl r marrying late now or choosing to delay children for freedom n’ financial stability. Dun worry too much abt bebe, she will settle in and it will suddenly click in her how much she cares abt u. I kno it’s tough for u to understand, bcoz yur not a girl. We hv complex minds, we worry even more than u do and we always think ahead… thinking what-if, what-if, what-if… n smtimes we don’t know where our life is headed. She is worried abt commitment coz she doesn’t see clearly her objective yet and is muddled by her confusion.

      Juz grit yur teeth and bear along… it’s exciting to chase and to be chased. It’s the “back n’ forth” that makes it fun… for her to lust over u (how u started), for u to lust over her (right now) and then for both of u to lust over each other (beginning to commit) … n’ then evrythg falls into place and before u know it, there’ll be little K’s and M’s running ’round the house 😉

      • Hah, true enough I guess. I just had a dream about bebe last night – it was so sweet-sweet, haha… but then after my dream about her, I had a nightmare… terrible – why can’t I just have a good dream about bebe and wake up and not have bad dream after? LOL… guess with every good, must be bad too. Dangling little string? What a horrible comparison, lol, now you make me think or tampon lor, hahaha…. bad Amy, bad 😛 I just had this weird worry when I was driving to work.. what if she comes back to Canada and brings her new boyfriend with her? OMFG =_= … thinking way too much.. I figured if maybe she meets a guy over there who also lives here or wants to come here, then bad-bad… ahhh, why must I think so much? Must find something more to occupy my time with… Maybe I should start playing games with god-sis, haha.

        Ya, I’m totally gritting my teeth, haha, I just got so depressed when I looked at my calendar this morning and sadly had the day she is leaving circled. It’s crazy how one situation can be different for two people. On that day, she will be happy to go home and can’t wait to see her family/friends. On the same day, I will probably be at home crying my eyes out until I become dehydrated and start puking. Why am I so emotionally weak? I always wonder, is it something we’re born with or is it something we develop? There are certain things I’ve seen that should make me desensitized. I’ve watched people die in front of me, I’ve watched people get stabbed and beaten with baseball bats, I’ve seen people’s head get shot off and also hit by vehicles, I’ve seen dismembered arms and legs and blood all over, I’ve gotten into bloody fights, but even all of those nasty things, I am still emotionally weak when it comes to bebe. I’m not really sure if that’s a good thing, lol – because then that makes me “easy prey” haha. Haiz, no reason to think more than I can control. Can pray and can hope that we ARE a great couple.

  2. Amy, LOL I’m always looking for a 3rd job…. anything that’ll make me decent to good money, I’m in! Let me know 😀 and even with a 3rd job I’ll probably still think because I’m always the glass-is-half-full type of person 😕

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