I Think Too Much…

As if one who has read my blog probably has already concluded. A lot of people take being analytical as being a really good thing. I am extremely analytical and for all intesive purposes, someone could say something as sure, ok, no, yes, maybe and I would in my head, infer different meanings and thoughts that you may be having. There are times when such analysis comes in great uses, especially ones where I’m deciding whether I’m in a position of danger and such, but rarely do those happen and I find my constant “reading” into things an annoyance.

Trust me, when you begin to think of every angle of what a person could be feeling or “truly” saying when they say simple things, then it comes to the point of over-analysis. I think some of the arguments bebe and I get into is a result of my over-analysis. She will say something as simple as it may be I have already thought of 50 other things she might mean or subconsciously considering even when it is not the case.  I cannot pinpoint the exact English word, but the Chinese expression 多心 comes to mind when it goes to describing me – I think more than I really need to, especially for small situations.

I think a lot of my friends think that I sit there and hunch over bebe’s Facebook and read into what she does, who she talks to and what she thinks. The funny thing is I don’t, because I know when I do, my brain starts to wander. I remember a recent occasion where one of her friends and her were talking to each other and I totally got jealous at things they were talking about. I did not know whether she was serious or joking, but it led me to all sorts of crazy thoughts. I told myself that if I’m going to read her things, I should take everything from a NEUTRAL standpoint, I should not infer anything that her or her friends say, I should read, smile and put it down just like everything else and not take it to heart. Understandably, many of us say things without a second thought because it comes naturally or because we understand inside jokes. When other people read it, they might feel aghast. I can definitely say I let a different side show of me on Facebook rather than the person I am. Suffice to say, I’m not hiding who I am, I just tend to be a bit more wackier on Facebook or may say things I otherwise would not. Since all my Facebook “friends” are people I have actually taken the time to know (and hopefully vice-versa), I feel comfortable expressing myself.

Past 3-4 days I noticed another shedding cycle or so I think. Again, here’s the “think” again – because I really don’t know if it’s true. I always seems every once in a while, my hair goes into these shedding phases where I seem to lose more than usual. This morning I combed my hair and I think about 15 hair strands came out and I’m like HOLY FUCK. I know that stress is a factor of hair loss, but am I really that stressed out? I mean yes, I’m very unhappy over bebe’s departure for 6 months, but this is the least of things. I’ve been much more stressed in my life before than this. I find it almost ironic that as much as she wants hair on me, she’s also the one destroying most of my hair, LOL. All the stress and grief that arises seem to make me more prone to being stressed. When we were together happily, talking and my mood was always up, I was always calm and nice and even the worst of situations I’d just smile. Now I find myself what Cherrie would call “angsty” – the smallest things tip me off. I know in the back of my mind I keep thinking if worse comes to worse, I can just get a hair transplant but that doesn’t solve the ROOT of the problem, which is this unhappiness is just generated from the lack of companionship from bebe. Poh Ching and I always have serious talks about this, because she has a good connection of girls of her own culture, background and likely, similar upbringing. Also, she helps me shed light on things because she too, was the shy, first-relationship girl as well. Although there are times when I curse at myself for bothering with a girl who seems so resistant, I snap back and realize that love has no bounds and choices like these are made out of feelings, not simply logic.

Seems like most of my friends (particularly those who follow my blog) have told me it’s so easy to stay in touch these days – I easily can with bebe over Skype. I would hate to do webcam with her because I hate how I look already, especially over cam 😆 I wouldn’t mind being able to talk to her over voice and just to hear her beautiful voice. I should’ve recorded it while I had the chance >_> I’ve already been constantly checking my MSN to see if she’s finally done stabbing me by ignoring me on MSN and ready to talk to me again, but nope, still hasn’t even though she’s finally back in the comfort of her home. I sit there checking the servers to see if she’s lifted it and I think it’s almost becoming paranoia at that. I need to sit back and just wait for her rather than always checking.

I just want a normal life back, where bebe and I can play games together, smile in each others company, walk with each other to run errands, lie on the grass in the park and share heart-to-heart conversations. I just want her to stare in my eyes and see how much I care for her and can give her a life of happiness. I don’t want to become her show-off toy where she can bring me to her friends and be like, “My boyfriend looks better than your boyfriend,” and become her groomed pet. I want our existence to be our fulfillment of life and that we can start a great family-life together. Life is so short, we spend years growing up, years finding one we can love and only short years that we actually spend together. To think of how we’re wasting our lives away when both of us are made for each other brings sorrow to me – because life is so fragile we should take advantage of every moment.

But today, I realized I need to be a believer. I need to look myself in the mirror and with confidence, believe I can. I have renewed sense of hope, after seeing a guy who is on the large side, older, not one who everyone would consider attractive and not one who is rich and famous, in a relationship with an young and extremely beautiful girl. This couple may be the very testament that there is truth to love, that love allows us to see past those physical imperfections – that bebe could perhaps one day soon, see that I am a guy worthy of her love and that both of us strike passion with each other. Humans undoubtly make assumptions of a person upon appearance, but seeing old couples on the street who have MUCH lost their looks, yet in a loving and undeniable loyalty to each other make me smile and remind myself that when they came together, they knew that she wasn’t going to keep the 36-24-36 she had and that he wasn’t going to retain every strand of hair and that 12-pack of abs he once worked-in. I’m a believer today, because I have seen a relationship between a beautiful girl and a very average guy be together in happiness makes me believe that bebe and I can do the same. It is not that I am suggesting that I will let myself go and be some couch potato and not bother staying in shape, but I don’t believe we should be basing our relationship based on what we see from the exterior of each other. What if bebe in Malaysia gains 10 lbs before she comes back from all the good food and sleep-ins? I am still here for her and my heart will seek no other.

Today, I am a believer. Hope, love, faith.

Now… time to work on finding a shampoo for oily scalps so I can try to keep this hair on my head and get rid of these stupid sebum flakes!

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on August 18, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Be strong and take some time for yourself.
    Oh and check out Lush.ca for shampoo. I recommend “new!” shampoo bar and ” I love juicy” for hair loss and oily hair. Check out the reviews.

    • Thanks, I’ve been just taking time to enjoy my surroundings, even if it feels a bit empty without bebe. Today as I drove to work, it was the biggest lightbringer so far. It was a nice comfortable drive, just a constant holding-down-the-pedal, enjoying the trees, beautiful sky and super fresh air. I work up in Ancaster, so once I hit the local roads, the one-way paths are beautiful because the drivers there tend to be relaxed and they’re not tailgating you when you’re moving 40-50 to enjoy the scenery. It has been a while since I’ve been able to withstand having my car windows open instead of the a/c blasting to try to stay cool. I walked out of my house today and took in a deep breath and told myself 6 month is just around the corner and if I can have her forever, 6 months is but a short time!

      I’ll check it out- although I used to use NISIM so I’m thinking of going back to it. My mom happens to do swim lessons with a lady who works at a hair salon so she can get us a huge discount on hair care products that her company stocks 😀 I’ll read up on lush, although going on that website makes me feel very GIRLY haha 😆

  2. Sigh! I admire your maturity when it comes to reading bebe’s posts 😀

    • LOL maturity? I wonder la… if I’m mature, should I not be pursuing her? haha.. well rubbish either way because I follow what my heart tells me is right 😛

      You are probably only an hour’s drive away from her – perhaps you should get together with her and spend some girl-to-girl talk and see if you can infuse knowledge of relationships and realistic expectations to her XD Sometimes our own perspectives clouds our judgment of people and things. I often find myself talking to some of my closer friends about bebe so I can find out what they think about her, because I don’t want to be the only one looking at a girl and not considering whether I’m not seeing something I should be.

      You had a guy who was willing to commit and be mature with you and you threw him away! Go grab him back. If not, you have about 50,000 other guys waiting for you anyways, LOL, choose one 😆 Love sometimes takes more than just immediate spark and feel, sometimes it’s all about the right moment, right timing and right circumstance before you “feel” anything. I can trace back to a very specific date/time that I fell for bebe because things were just right. I try to apply it to her because maybe she’s just not at that mindset where suddenly she’s feeling for me. Right now, it’s easier to avoid me, pretend I don’t care about her and stab me, but at some point when things align with each other, she’ll go to mush (ok, my dream.. LOL) and finally appreciate me for who I am. Who knows how long that’ll be, but at least as a guy I have the biological-clock advantage on my side… oh so evil, kekeke.. just joking 😛

  3. OMG!!! I had such a GGGGGGGGGGGREEAATT time, you totally hv to tk bebe to Italy, so damn ROMANTIC… even if she doesn’t love u b4, she’ll love u after.. everyone can fall in love in Italy, omg. I can’t wait to fill u in on all the awesome things and shower u with pix.. kakaka. Josh I think gained sm wt… think he’s getting FAT from all that food xDD At first thought it cost a lot, but def worth it once u experience it!

    So happy to be home n’ can check yur blog tho, I miss u.

    And I agree with yur frd PC… she hit it right on the head – total jealousy amongst girls for bebe!!!

    • LOL, Italy eh… how was the language situation? I don’t recall either of you knowing Italian or French very well 😛 I was thinking about a cruise in the future for bebe and I, hehe… I’ve never been on a boat like that before and I figured it’d be a great way to experience my first-time on one with her, that’d be so cool. Also, I think a cruise would help bebe open up to social talk with strangers 😛 It’ll be a long time before she’ll be going anywhere far with me though, too bad 😦 LW asked me if I’m bringing bebe back to HK with me and I felt like laughing and crying at the same time.

      It’s ok to get fat over a vacation, that’s what one is for 😛 I’m worried about HK this time – I spent so much time losing weight I have to make sure I won’t put it back on, haha. Then again, HK is so hot and so much walking that it should help burn off all the stuff I eat. I’m still wondering whether we still are renting out our spot because we can stop the renting on it so I have a place to stay when I go back, haha. I hate having to stay at other people’s place and stuff, I’ll have closet space to hide… uhh.. things at our own place XD

      Anyways, have to pop back to work… school-year is about to start and what a pain, back to regular working hours soon 😦

  4. Thankies for stopping by my blog.. Now its payback time 🙂
    hmmph you sneak too much to the girl you love..jaja kidding aside goodluck to both of you.

    • Haha, I am very blunt with her actually! I tell her exactly how I feel all the time – I think she even gets tired of hearing me repeat how much I care about her 😛 But such is life, right? It’s kind of like how we get so annoyed with our parents when they banter, moan and groan to us while trying to teach us life-lessons… but when we lose them, we finally realize how much we miss them and realize our loss. I don’t think my girl will understand something like that for a while. I do not think I am the infinitely good guy, but I’m not sure why she hasn’t come to appreciate and care for a guy like me – I’ve offered her what any girl would consider to be a good boyfriend! I only sneak around to do things when she tries to hide things from me and then I go to find things out in others day 😀 I prefer that she’s open with me rather, but the more she hides, the more I want to know, LOL!

      Thanks for coming by, I’ll be sure to add your information to my next guide about relieving menstrual cramps!

  5. Dear Prexus,

    I stumbled upon your site while looking up some information on the Divacup and have taken some time to read through your many enjoyable entries. Upon reading this entry, I had a massive “blast from the past” and you sound just like you are living through my now-husband’s nightmare. I wanted to let you know that love does really conquer all and that persistence and show of good faith will take you far when it comes to a woman. When I read through your relationship entries, I can only imagine the torment and damage I put my husband through before and during our dating period.

    For 5 years, I refused thinking I would ever let my husband (back when he was just a “friend” and a “boyfriend”) persuade me into liking him. For 5 years, I would constantly bash him, ignore him, play games with his head and hurt him because I had absolutely no feelings or vision of being with him. For all I cared, he was just a guy I had no feelings for and yet, he was relentless. Over years of being pursued by him, I finally gave him a chance… not just a ‘fake’ chance, but a REAL chance because of his commitment over so many years. I know it’s hard for you to understand how the female mind works, but we often show a different face than we really think deep down. Reading your blog, I take it she has recently graduated school? At this time, she may still be yearning that freedom she has sacrificed for so many years while attending school. It’s such a shame that she doesn’t consider you as part of her ‘freedom’ but I also understand her mentality of wanting total-freedom. I began dating my husband when he was 27 and I was 23.

    I come to think about the years of anguish I put him through and even to this day, it is so hard for me to put it down and forgive myself. We are happily married now for 15 years and seeing you write about your “bebe” makes me think of what we went through. At first, perhaps it was a feeling of pity that I ended up dating my husband, but over time, I cannot even express how much my attitudes changed about him. Every day my love grew for him, realizing that despite his flaws, that he was a man who I wanted to see whenever I had happiness or sadness to share. Not only did he prove himself to me, he proved to me that his love for me touched me so much that it really could see past everything that I once thought was annoying. It wasn’t just a matter of me wanting to “make up” all the damage I had done to him for so many years, but I genuinely loved him, head to toe, perfections and imperfections. We got married about a few years of formally dating. Who else would I want to spend my life with other than the person who has unconditionally loved me and could provide for me?

    Your entry brought throbs of pain to my heart, because I see through your eyes the pain that being played by a girl can cause. I only wanted to express my heartfelt feelings to tell you to keep your chin up and continue pursuing such a beautiful girl. I know she must be great just listening to how much you care about her and how much you can sacrifice for her. I know you will also make a wonderful boyfriend, husband and hopefully, father-to-be. Although I cannot impart any wisdom to her to help her understand what she is doing and that she needs to take heed that life and relationships is not about seeking perfection, but that time makes a difference in how we understand people. I know many of us look for love-at-first-sight, but the reality is that the people who treat us the best and who make the best life-long companions are right under our noses. At every point in a girls life, we want to dream about that perfect boy (or girl) who we’re swept away by because he’s hunky and has abs we can drool over, but such is not reality for most women. Our expectations change over time… do we want a boy we can look at everyday or do we want a man who can take care of us and our family? Certainly I would’ve said I want that hunk-of-a-man, but that was when I didn’t know any better and when it came down to who I’d want to spend my life with, the decision was obvious.

    Please don’t despair and I wish you all the luck in the world. She will turn around one day when she appreciates you just as you should be appreciated. There is no such thing as telling someone you love them a lot too much. Every chance we get, let someone we love know it. Believe in yourself and believe in her. I hope to be able to congratulate you one day when you two get married. I pray that you will have a prosperous relationship and though the hardship you both are going through, look at my husband and I… 15 years strong into our marriage with 2 beautiful children. I have let my husband read your entries too and he too can relate to the pain you are going through and the “unfairness” of it all. However, if she is truly the girl you have your eyes set on, let no one and nothing stop you from pursuing her with your heart.

    Best wishes,

    Jessica

    • After reading this, it touched my heart and I am really speechless. Reading through my entries, you’ll know I often have a lot to say and especially when my readers take time to write a lengthy response to me, but I can not muster up anything to say. I am so relieved to know that love conquers all and that through commitment that a chance with a very special girl that may not have the same level of feelings for me as I do for her.

      To hear of your story makes me understand what your husband has gone through and really, it would be impossible to downplay the pains of loving a girl who shows such harsh actions in return, but you helped shed light on what a younger girl may be thinking or going through. It’s a painstaking process that I have gone through for the past year with her, everything from sheer bliss in the times we spend together, to the greatest hell when she brings stress to my life. I have to say, relationships are just like life – there are moments of greatness and moments of failure and I have to learn to stand up and take them all as method for me to which I am to build character.

      I am indeed very happy to hear of your successful marriage and wonderful kids! I certainly hope bebe and I will strive towards that goal. To come to terms of being able to understand the mentality of another person and of the opposite gender is quite hard. I am not quite as old as your husband when you two started dating, but bebe is also younger than that, so we have a smaller age gap than you and your husband do as we are only 3 years apart. Sometimes I feel as if this 3 years makes a great difference to her maturity, or rather, simply her way of thinking and mindset. Nevertheless, just because we have a small age gap, I cannot deny that my feelings are ever-so-strong regardless.

      Thank you for taking the time to write such a heartfelt response and for stimulating my mind and heart. I cannot wait for my relationship to be like yours, where bebe and I will look back years from now and say, “Wow, I don’t believe we treated each other like that” and be able to look each other in the eyes and whisper those secret words. I hope we will both be able to “right the wrong” and no matter how badly we have treated each other that our life-long commitment to each other will make us forget about this horrible past and help us concentrate on our grand future!

      Cheers and best wishes to you and your family.

    • WWOOWWWEEE!! That’s such an amazing love story 😀 See…. it’s completely possible to have someone truly appreciate u with enuf hard work n’ effort! Just coz she cannot see past things now doesn’t mean she won’t very soon ^__^ But I kno u juz dun want 2 kids… probably lot more right? xDD Do u think bebe will want to hv more than 2? kakakak. Hving kids r easy, taking care of them isn’t! Most important is that they’re healthy and teng-teng-wa-wa… otherwise u will explode, hehe.

      “There is no such thing as telling someone you love them a lot too much” — learn la, tell bebe that everyday 😛 Dun let her forget!!

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