Closer You Are, the Shyer You Get

I was just pondering my own thoughts today. I find myself often reflecting on my own personality and actions. To me, it’s a very important thing to do because I believe it helps build character in a person. Without understand yourself, how can you possibly expect to understand others? Today I went through my normal day, work and home. However, during those hours, I also did many things which helped make-up my day and I thought to myself how interesting it’d be for me to step back analyze myself.

I’ve concluded to myself that as much as I’m shy with girls – that’s only true with 2 types of girls. 1) The ones I don’t know at all and 2) the one I like. Please take due note that I said “one” not “ones” 😆 So where does it leave all the other ones? Well, the ones that I’m not shy with are girls who I do know, but have no interest in. I spend a lot of time talking to girls and one would think it’s only about periods – but that’s not true. Other than my ‘girls’ and god-sisters, I can be quite aggressive towards them. Now I guess everyone defines aggression a bit differently, but let’s just say that unlike treating a girl I like, I’m completely un-shy with them. Easiest way to think of this is the stuff I say to girls who I know is definitely not something I’d say to bebe… or at least not ’til she opens up to me and take the overly-flirtatious side of me, hah.

I can be quite flirty with girls, even when they’re completely without intentions. I guess it’s a bit easier, particularly with the girls at work only because they’re usually married and have many years on top of me, so relationship isn’t even a consideration or thought. Even the youngest girl in my building is 13 years older than me (but still young at heart, rawr) and is totally fun to hang out with and still capable of taking a joke or a platonic pass at. We kid back and forth and it’s fun, keeps us youthful, yet we know where to keep the line clear. There’s of course no infidelity involved whatsoever. Nevertheless, I suppose it helps keep things at work lighthearted because our jobs can be pretty boring and slow sometimes. Also, I think there’s something just fun about harmless flirting as long as both sides don’t go overboard or anything – and it’s not like I’m falling in love with her instead of bebe. Suffice to say, everyone has different views… some think harmless flirting is ok, and others do not. My stance is just to “keep it clean” (nothing that would damage a relationship) and everyone’s happy.

Oh right… back to my point – I’m much more confident at flirting and teasing girls who I’m not romantically interested in. I’m pretty shy with bebe in terms of how far I carry the flirting. I mean as traditional and shy as bebe is, don’t kid yourself, she can be quite the flirty one and has made me smile, grin and giggle like a little school boy in love for the first time before. She’s made my heart swoon and faint before at things she’s said and done. Nevertheless, perhaps it is also because I’m interested in her – I’m also cautious. Things that I’d dare say and discuss with other girls, I may not with her. It’s not a matter of hiding secrets, because there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell her, but it’s a matter of feeling more liberated when it’s other girls you AREN’T interested in.

Case in point, when one of the girls asked me to do something for her today as a favour (outside of my job duties), I said I would, but that it’d, “cost her”… and of course knowing the typical guy thinking, she was like, “Ok, do you want me to take off my shirt or pants? You only get to choose one” and I replied, “Hrm.. tough choice, I think I’d want both… how about I just…” and I proceeded to pretend (YES, just pretend) to motion unzipping my pants and said, “How about you close that door and make sure no one hears you” and we both laughed. Hell, we never think about taking things further – she has her husband and I have bebe, but it’s fun just to bring some laughter and light to our mundane jobs. Something like that, I would never, ever dare say to bebe, EVEN if she instigated it (probably to test my resistance, haha).

I talk to a couple of my Malaysian girl readers a lot… you’d figure out who they are if you followed my blog long enough to notice 2 who posted a lot before and less now – since we’re spending most of our chatting time over IM instead of here. Again, those two, we can discuss such wide variety of things, period included, but still, our topics wander afar and we share sometimes the most intimate things with each other. I guess there’s solace to sharing things with people who can’t “impact your life directly” – but I think I share it with them because I feel much more confident and comfortable flirting with girls who I don’t have feelings for or worry about their perception of me.

I do really care about how bebe thinks about me, as much as I say that “people should accept each other for who they are” – I certainly don’t deny changing for her or trying to “fit what she wants.” Obviously there are fundamental things I wouldn’t change about me, but I would say I’m not as flirty with bebe, not because I don’t want to be, but because I have to “watch my step” much more than with girls I don’t care (romantically) about. I can literally “flirt up a storm” because I can be (now don’t call me egoistic), quite charming, gentlemanly (when I need to be) and… even CONFIDENT – for every girl, except for the girl I love. For some reason, around a girl I like, sometimes I lack that confidence. I think by nature, women like confident men and that’s nothing unusual. However, I often have to stir up that confidence with bebe because I worry about how she perceives me and I’m careful of what I do/say. With other girls who I don’t have feelings for, I can tease them and get them riled up like no tomorrow. I’m confident, exuberant and cocky – because the worst that can happen is they stop talking to me 😛 But obviously with a girl I love and care about, I want to have a sure footing before trying to wander down a romantic path!

I think it’s easier for me to be “bad” (bad-naughty) to other girls than to bebe. Maybe it’s also bebe is a bit more resistant to advances and ‘dirty’ things, that I tread carefully when I’m pulling jokes that other girls would hold their stomachs laughing at. I will admit, maybe because I’m comparing my normal flirty self with bebe, it’s a bit different. Don’t read this as me blaming her for anything, she just requires a different approach than other girls I’ve been with. With all my other girls, they tend to enjoy dating a guy who is confident enough to be cocky, yet not overbearing, and one that can make their heart melt with the right words. I guess having enough girl-friends and god-sis’ I can usually come up with the right words to say just to make them turn a frown upside down. As easy as girls are to get angry, it’s also the same for making them smile and what guy would not want to see a girl happy anyways? The things that I’m so accustomed to doing to soften girls up don’t work on bebe (or as well) and I have to reconsider what things I can do and say. Some of the conversations I have with my girls I cannot even fathom discussing with bebe.

Bebe’s the only girl other than my own mother who I let touch my phone in unlocked mode and not watching every selection they touch – seriously. Whenever I let someone use my phone in any way, I’m hovering over them (and I have a right to, it’s MY phone) making sure they’re not going through my stuff or breaking it. To say that I have something to hide is not true, because she’s the only other person in this world I trust giving my phone to and not need to watch what she’s doing on it. I rarely wipe out my text messages, so if she really wanted to, she could’ve checked all 2 years of my communication on it with other girls and I would have nothing to hide. The things is, I suppose certain topics of conversation is much easier to discuss with someone else, because the repercussions is minimalized.

I suppose that’s my own analysis of myself… I’m less shy, more flirtatious and much higher self confidence and willing to take risks with girls I have no feelings for, than one who I love and care about. Of course as our relationship (hopefully, pray to God) progresses that I’ll be able to share the real sides of me with her as well and be able to openly talk to each other and know what is real, fake and all-in-good-nature without having to explicitly say so. It is in truth that bebe once pointed out that we often don’t “get” what we say to each other, perhaps because the way we were brought up and perceive things – what she says in a certain manner/tone may be different than how I perceive. We’ve gotten into arguments before over simple misunderstandings and as shaming as that may be, it’s how relationships grow and one person learns about another. I hope I can one day be confident enough to dare be openly flirty with her. Most of my flirts with her in the past has always been normal conversations with a flirting-undertone which I’m not sure if she senses or not, haha. I can be quite covert when I need to be 😛 Likewise, bebe’s pretty good with making me faint without even trying hard, HAH.

You know what they say about “innocent girls” anyways 😀

I believe flirting can be healthy as long as it doesn’t go too far. I do recall bebe telling me that she flirts/is flirted with by guys and it’s not that I don’t feel the jealousy, lol, but it’d be very contradicting of me to say she can’t do that when I enjoy it. As long as at the end of day, we know where our heart stands and who we’re coming home to – that’s all that matters. I mean in time, I do hope that I get my daily fix of flirting from her and I don’t even bother with other girls, because I’d much rather us make each other happy than another guy or girl! Sometimes just brush across the arm can be as effective as a long passionate kiss.

The day that I can feel confident in front of bebe… I’ll know we’re getting somewhere and that our relationship is only going to get better – forever.

Love is wonderful, ain’t it?

Oh… on another happy note – waiting for one of my girls’ period to start, YAY for good fortune!

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on September 24, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Got such thing as ‘shyer’ a??? XP

    Anyways, I think most of us are shy in from of our love one…. We tend to show ALL our good deeds and hide all the bad ones behind so that we will be the perfect one in front of them…. This is the normal characteristic that holds in almost all human being I assume.

    I am learning to open up myself to the one who is really caring bout me….. (Even showing the bad side of mine.) [And I hope it works. Anyways, things got to stand back sometimes when there are more and more consequences coming up and am I having too typical kind of thinking or I have a fragile heart? I have to overcome all those but it really takes time….. Time is really a good word for all of us regardless what we are facing. Time makes thing fade and eventually time also can make things clear up the the surface from the bottom that we tried to ignore it.] I wan them to know the REAL me and not the masked me…… It’s not easy as you thought…. You will start to think of what the hell s/he is thinking about you when you are actually acting so. Will s/he starts to ignore you and do not wan to talk to you because of your attitude that you just showed? What’s his/her perception on you which is the most important thing. When s/he dun even care bout what you shown, you will start wondering why the hell s/he not even care bout that…. Isnt that bad? How come s/he can stand the ‘me’ in such a way????

    Human beings who love to twist and turn and think a lottttttttt beyond what we should. We are always in this stupid 矛盾 situation….. Only so, we are honoured to name ourselves as Homo Sapiens? LOLzzzzzzzzz… hahaa……

    • Haha yes, “shyer” is a word if you look it up in the dictionary 😛

      I think I’m only shy in front of bebe not because necessarily I want to perfect, but because she’s not as receptive as other girls I have been with. For instance, if I do sweet or flirtatious things, they will usually accept, even if not reciprocate. I think with bebe, maybe she’s too shy or not at that point where she comfortable with my advances or trying to ‘spark’ her emotions into action. Conversely, I feel much more comfortable showing myself to people I love/care about than a stranger. I may be on my best behaviour for someone I don’t know – but I am actually more myself in front of people I do know more.

      I was telling my friend last time that I’d be much more likely to be temperamental (or at least display it), in front of loved ones than if I were with complete strangers. In fact, bebe has seen me (kind of) mad before and it’s only because I care about her enough and also feel-for her enough that I show that side of me. If she was just some nobody, I wouldn’t give a shit and bother expressing myself. To me, if I love someone enough or amiable towards a person, I feel much more comfortable “being me” and actually the more I am willing to show myself to that person, the more I care about that person. I act the “purest” form of me only in front of my family and bebe. It’s not to say I’m necessarily two-faced, but I try to hope I act in the right manner, with the right people and at the right places.

      Ohhh.. so you finally admit you found a true love 😀 I’m happy for you, haha. Yes, your future boyfriend should definitely accept the strengths and weaknesses of you – no one is perfect. Exactly as you describe learning to open yourself up, I can only do so to people who I care about. For bebe to actually see the not-so-smiley side of me is an attests the fact I care about her. I mean, it sounds like a totally disgusting way of showing you care, but the reality is I’m only ME when I’m with people who I’m close to.

      I’m not ignorant of my flaws, I know there are particular things bebe dislike about me – but through all that, I do believe we can still make a good couple. We both undrestand we are not perfect beings, just as she admits that she knows that there are things I even can’t stand about her. The reality is like magnets, like repels like and opposites attract. If I were like a “male version of her” or I, like a “female version of her” – we would both explode on each other. A perfect relationship doesn’t come from a “complete match” but comes from knowing when to 將就 and when to stand firm. I think it’s like standing on a see-saw… you have to know when to tip one way and move to the other.. either side that tips too far, everything will fall off.

      Yes, I admit humans sometimes think too complexly.. ESPECIALLY me. Today all of a sudden I got worried and I was like, “What if bebe is enjoying her time back home so much she doesn’t even have the heart to return and start a life here?” and suddenly I felt like I want to puke. Why am I even thinking so much? I worry about things I have, 1) no control over, and 2) may or may not even be true. My mind wanders too far – and then just to make myself happier, I proceeded to daydream about the awesome life we will have together, made me much more relaxed and positive! Why I even thought of something like that out-of-the-blue is beyond me… maybe something I don’t know triggered that thought – either way, it’s definitely a very 矛盾 feeling of wanting something so badly.

  2. Aw.. cute… of coz u on ur best behaviour for her, it makes sense! N shyness can be cute on guys too (sometimes) la… and ur so cute for the way u r so gentle with bebe… kekeke. Has she talked to u yet normally again or still playing? It’s so sweet-sweet u let her touch ur phone. I suppose unless she knew that ur not trusting with ur phone to others, that it’s not “something special” to her… but I kno that u letting some1 touch ur phone is a really big sign of trust. I can’t even if I rmbr u letting me play on it 😕 JEALOUS LAR.

    Kakak… u can totally be flirty wit girls u dun like… that’s y I can always tell a part the difference from girls u reali like and ones u hv no feel for xDD smtimes u are like glass… can see right through u 😆

    U hv little self-confidence for bebe onli coz she’s not “responding” to the way u r courting her… not bcoz inside u realli do not think u r capable. You KNOW u r capable n that’s y u still hv not given up. The moment she responds to ur advances, u will start showing the confidence, especially ‘cuz u hv it in u. N stop being foolish abt how u dun think girls like u coz of the way u look and blah blah. If u nvr pay attention, every girl u’ve ever had has been so pretty – how can u say u cannot get girls who r beautiful? U evr look yurself in the mirror? U r more good looking than u think… if not, y u think so many ppl like recommending girls to u? Because yur a GOOD GUY TO BE WITH! If we didn’t know each other through god-bro/god-sis and I was single, I’d totally date u 😀

    • Sometimes being shy is a sign of weakness 😆 – but ya, I can look pretty cute when I blush… as rare as those circumstances may be when I blush… usually when I make an ass of myself or something, hahah. Can’t remember the last time I blushed in front of a girl though – probably last year when I met bebe for the first time I went so red when I saw her ‘cuz I think it was those insta-fall-in-love thing 😀 She is sooooooooooooooo purty and cute height with me 😛

      No, she still hasn’t talked to me much, though she exchanged a msg with me 😦 Still no MSN and stuff… hai… dunno la, she’s probably so preoccupied with her own friends that I’m just a “waste of her time”… can’t even differentiate whether I feel jealous or angry over her friends sometimes – but I also cannot blame them because they’re not what is causing this. It’s just because I know her family/friends are probably keeping her so busy that she doesn’t spend too much time thinking of me T__T … OR … I can be positive and believe that she does think about me but just doesn’t say/act so.. actually, I should start thinking that, what a brilliant idea! Why put myself down, right? I should believe in myself and believe that I do have a special spot in her heart!! OOOHHH HAPPY. It still feels a void knowing she’s on MSN but won’t talk to me but what can I do other than wait and feel bad? LOL… can’t force her to do anything.. or well rather don’t want to force her to do anything… something like this supposed to come naturally and from the heart when she’s ready!

      Yes, I don’t let people touch my phone, it’s that simple, lol. After I took a picture of her when she was playing with my guns, I even let her scroll through her pictures and send it to herself and I mean in that time, she could’ve been doing ANYTHING with my phone, but I didn’t even so much as to bother looking at what she was doing – I simply trusted her =O It’s amazing how much I didn’t even worry….

      LOL ya, oddly enough, I can get pretty rambunctious with girls I don’t like — because I feel no obligation to them 😛 If I say something they don’t like, then most they can do is whack me and not talk to me and I don’t care, haha. If it was bebe, I’d be like nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo my life is over.

      I agree and as I responded to Sophia similarly… about how it’s just because she’s not accepting my feelings right now that it makes me hard to feel confident with bebe. Deep inside, I know I am confident with her – but on the surface, sometimes things “smother” that confidence on mine. The one time she accepts a flirt from me or something, I’ll totally brighten up and feel so confident and assured, HAHA. Yes, almsot all the girls I’ve been with except one has always been on the holy-she-is-damn-hot scale 😆 … I don’t know why? LOL. Figured the ugly guys get the ugly girls 😛 Just how life works, hah. That’s why my typical saying is “Beauty and the Beast” with all my ex’s and stuff, hehe. My mom was just asking me about L today in the car, lol.. no idea why she brought it up – but she only knew her as my friend, not my ex-ex 😛 I never really run relationship things through my parents XD might scare the girl away, harhar.

      I look in the mirror and I have days where I feel great and good looking and days where I’m like ugh, why am I so terrible? I guess yur right about ppl wanting to recommend girls to me… but when ppl do that, it’s always girls who aren’t right for me – LOL… no girl recommended to me even come close to quality of bebe, haha.. or even if they come close – not even that of acceptable age range, haha.. I know age isn’t a super big thing for me, but can cause maturity gap issues (even if guys don’t mature as early). The reality is you aren’t at the same “stage” in life… and if too young, too many things change rapidly. I will admit I get very flattered and feel good about myself when someone sees me as a good enough to be recommended to family/friends.

      LOL, please don’t mention the last part 😆 I had a massive crush on my cousin before already… wouldn’t want to date anyone I know too-too well, haha, makes for awkward situations 😛

  3. Amy, what an awesome reply. Mr Swiftwynd, take it to heart.
    Oh and I’ll catch up with my emails tommrow. ttfn!

    • Haha, is it that great? 😛 She can give such a good girl-view sometimes, haha… nice to have girl-friends, makes things much easier to see from a different gender-point… today my mom, auntie and I had a long discussion about how different male and female views are of the same situation. Of course we are all individuals, but there are some core things that just being male or female tends to already have a very “like” view of things… interesting thought since most guys tend to go to their guy friends for advice on girls.. I go to girl-friends for it because they understand their own mentality best 😆 Whatever you have to offer, feel free to jump in!

      I’ll be out tomorrow celebrating a friend’s birthday in ‘sauga, so I probably won’t get back to you very early, but feel free to reply anyways, I’ll be bringing my laptop with me 😀

    • Tankies! So happy even ur reader like my post xDD happi happi ar.

  4. “I’m less shy, more flirtatious and much higher self confidence and willing to take risks with girls I have no feelings for, than one who I love and care about.”

    This is so true (of course, since I’m a girl, its vice-versa :P) !!!

    When I fall for someone, I always think twice about what I’m about to say, and have self-doubts here and there on the little little things that I usually not bother about. For example:
    “Is my hair OK?” *pulls down whisps of hair* (Usually I don’t care – just a simple ponytail works foe me)
    “What does he usually wear?” *finds something to complement his clothes* (Again, I’m a T-shirt and jeans person, I don’t care what I wear.)
    “What does he think about me?”
    “How do I talk to him? What makes him laugh? What are his interests so that I would be held in high-esteem in his eyes? What can I do to make him look at me fondly?”

    Yah, I sound so childish and silly and girly, but that’s what happens when I see someone I like too 😛

    Prexus, you are not alone 😛

    • Woooo, you’re finally around! Seems like you disappeared or something. I like the new model pics you have going on… if you want other people to vote for you, I can post the link here (if you ever get the damn link to work properly). I just noticed how nice your arms are X.x but the rest of you is WAY too thin! You need to get a body like bebe – beautiful proportions and maximum cuteness =O

      I guess you’re right – it’s pretty normal to want to “cater” to her… I mean, I do try to impress her but I try not to go overboard either. I do want her to see who I am and not be covering things up. I think bebe thinks I don’t give her enough credit, but I do know she usually takes time to listen to things I say, even if it’s not something I say explicitly. I even remember the first date we went out on, I mentioned a long time back that I saw her wear that shirt in a picture and said it was very nice on her, and she’s worn it on quite a few occasions. I can’t say at all that she doesn’t pay attention to things I say 😛 She’s very attentive, haha… and I do recognize it!

      I try to pay attention to things she hints too and although she never mentioned she thinks I’m fat, I know she doesn’t like it because it makes me look ugly and that’s why I’m trying to lose weight. I’m happy with the results now but I want to continue to lose weight to keep her happy. I mean, I don’t see it as a bad thing – we all have expectations of our partner. I would of course want her to keep in balance with her maintenance too 😆 I was just rambling to Sophia yesterday at how beautiful bebe is shaped XD everything about her is perfect, HAHA. She definitely has a different body than the girls I’ve dated before, but it’s just something you get used to and learn to appreciate all the differences that sets her apart from other girls! I think I drooled a bit on my keyboard when I was talking to Sophia about her… LOL!

      I think most of the time when I talk to her, it’s from the heart and I don’t have to try to think of topics and stuff. The only thing I really actively stop myself from talking about is any salty-wet stuff, haha… I think she’d be too shy to have those kind of conversations with me in person… although we’ve had those jokes online before 😀 We just usually flow from one conversation to another. There are moments of silences, but it’s not a big deal, as we’re driving, sometimes it’s just nice to relax and enjoy being next to each other. I wish she’d hold my hand though ^__^ I love car romance, haha.

      I was just bantering to my cousin last night too about how people call it ‘feel’ when all they mean is ‘physical attraction’… and that I think this world is better off if we’re blind. I mean, bebe would love me for the way I am, the personality I have and the love I give to her if all she knew of me was that, and not my body and not my face. I think that’s true for lots of people, if not all. This world, if we were not able to see, we would pick MUCH better life-partners, because you love out of an emotional connection with each. Bebe can’t make that emotional attachment with me not because we are not a good couple, but because I am not good looking enough for her. It’s the physical that caused the rift and not so much that we have no chemistry and no spark.

      It’s just female excuses when they give the ‘no feel’ bullshit and every girl who says that deserves to have her face scarred and see if they will be so obnoxious then. We don’t get to choose what we look like, but we DO get to choose to be the person we are. If you love someone for who they are, then you’re loving them – not just particular portions. Even if there are portions you don’t love about a person, there is something much greater to love – and that is what a relationship is all about. You’re in a relationship because you see the strengths AND weaknesses of that person and choose to love him/her for their strengths over weaknesses. Many relationships fail these days because we lose sight of what attracted us to that person in the first place. When I met bebe for the first time, her looks were not what attracted me and throughout our relationship, I continue to see it was what attracts me. Later on, I learned to love her body just as much, even if her body was not what I am used to in a girl – but because my feelings for her run so deep that I continue to concentrate on what matters most, her personality, and her body is simply a small part of what represents her. It’s not supposed to sound bad where you make it sound like you just “tolerate” it.. but it’s about fully loving a person.

      How the hell do I go on talking about so much other stuff? BAHAHAHA.

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