Is It Wrong to Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Him?

So of course when I saw this article pop up on MSN after logging out of my Hotmail, I could not help but want to read it and see what it’s all about…:

By Maura Kelly

Is It Wrong to Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Him?

Blogger ponders the ethics of the great love divide

A certain romantic conundrum has been on my brain for a while:

Isn’t it unethical — or at least kind of mean … or at least a little deceptive — to date a guy if I can tell he likes me more than I like him?

At least one of my friends thinks it is. If I ever say anything like, “Yes, that dude I met through OkCupid is pretty cool, and he seems to totally dig me, but I’m not sure I see it lasting any longer than three months, if that,” my friend will come back with, “It’s not fair of you to string him along! You should either break it off or let him know that you might feel less serious than he does.”

And because I think my friend is mostly right — and because that is CERTAINLY the kind of advice I give him when the roles are reversed — I usually do break it off.

But lately, because I’ve been thinking seriously about my problems with commitment-phobia, I’ve started to wonder if my “ethical stance” about not dating anyone who likes me more than I like him is actually coterminous with my fear of getting into a serious relationship.

If you’re wondering what the hell I mean by that, allow me to show my work, as my algebra teacher might have said: It’s more likely I could get into a serious relationship with a guy who actually likes me — and the idea of being in a serious relationship is scary to me. And my “fear of intimacy” gets sublimated into a lack of attraction to the guy who actually likes me. So voilà! I remain free to get hung up on “douchebags” (by definition, dudes who are less into me than I am into them, naturally). And so I remain single. And I remain FREE.

And even though I say I’d love to be in a healthy relationship … the truth is, the idea of uniting my life with another person’s kinda freaks me out for a million reasons. Which maybe I’ll get into tomorrow.

But for now, let me get back to my original question. Tell me, folks: Do you think it is, in fact, unethical — or at least kind of mean — to date a person if you can tell he or she is more into you than you are into him?

Or do you think there is always going to be some kind of imbalance — and that the only way any romantic relationship ever evolves is if both people deal with the fact that one person likes the other more, at first, but they’re both willing to move forward to see if things even out?

Do you think there should be a gender exception when it comes to this issue? Like, is it okay for one person to like the other more only if that person is a man — since, according to conventional (or at least old-fashioned) wisdom, men are supposed to be the pursuers?

Or do you simply think that when a relationship is meant to be, it’s meant to be, and there’s no sense of disparity?

Given that bebe has expressed to me before that she’s afraid of being committed in this relationship because she feels she might lose her freedom, make herself vulnerable (emotionally) and that she has yet to know where she’s going to permanently locate herself, she finds it hard to overly commit herself… however, I also think that she may even have this said ‘fear of intimacy’ that the author writes about. Of course I’m not bebe and I can’t say for sure or maybe she doesn’t even understand/recognize her own feelings/thoughts yet – but hey, either way I’m still pursuing her!

I really enjoyed reading this because it highlights the encompassing idea that two people must always equally like each other and I think that’s almost shockingly non-existent… how do partners achieve equality? Almost in any relationship, I can see that there will always be one of the partners who loves the other more. Does this mean that a relationship cannot be successful? Absolutely not! In fact, that’s the reason why courting, dating, wooing, etc. all exist – to solidify the opposite individuals feelings and emotions for yourself. If two people were automatically “in love” with each other like we love to believe in fairy-tales, then there would be no courting process, no need for one of the individuals to want to make the other feel good, confident and of worth!

Bebe has told me of her guilt before in dragging me on and continuing to try to make things work by holding on to me, even though she doesn’t quite feel for me. She says it’s unfair to me, but the reality is, there’s more unfairness to trying to giving in and ignore than truly taking the time to analyze possibilities while in a relationship. It always hurts me more in any relationship to end prematurely rather than seeing what could have been. Yes, there will always be a potential for a negative ending but yet, why not think that pushing forth may result in a positive ending – an ending of happiness and fulfillment? Attraction is a funky thing and i know over the years and perhaps, lol, even months… my definition of attraction and the type, physically and personality-wise, of girl I would normally be or not be interested in. Suffice to say, when bebe and I first met, there was some getting used to for me in regards to coming to terms with things I’m simply not used to and not a matter of me not being able to accept certain things/matters/features.

I’m not only a believer that there will always be imbalance in a relationship, but would even dare want to be the one who loves bebe more than she loves me. I don’t have a problem with that. Some may say that’s a blind and foolish thing to do – but then you could argue, so are all the crazy people who get married and have kids! Oh-the-nightmare-of-it-all. People do things for a special someone because it makes them feel good. When I do something for bebe, I don’t analyze what I get out of it. When I give bebe something, I don’t have an expectation of getting something back but rather, is a fulfilling feeling on its own. Perhaps, getting something in return may make me feel additionally well about myself, nevertheless, even the act of doing something for a loved-one is a joyous moment itself.

I see many successful relationships nowadays which all started from something that was “forced”… for instance, many older relationships, women were pretty much forced into marriage or perhaps simply chose their husband out of not wanting to be single/out of wedlock or have a dependency. Many of these “fake loves” grow into “real love”… and although as cruel as that may sound, how could one deny everlasting happiness? I don’t keep tallies and nor do I care about trying to compare how much I’ve done for bebe versus how much she’s done for me because there is no score on love or for someone you care about. How can someone “quantify” the amount of love they have given? Is it tangible, can I hold it? Every time I hear a girl use the word “feel” to describe their willingness or unwillingness towards a guy, I think the Heavens should punish them by removing a tooth our of their mouth. If chemistry and “feel” exists… then so does fate. The concept of “feel” is retarded because there are justifiable and descriptive things that relate to whether we have “feel” or not to one another.

I read many of the comments following this article and was surprized to see how most people as they mature and become older, recognize the realities of life that cupid just doesn’t fly by, shoot and arrow and we all instantly fall in love. Relationships prosper under effort, commitment, loyalty and willingness to endure hardships. No amount of “chemistry” helps you resolve problems. “Feel” does not pay the bills when a partner loses a job or becomes chronically ill. Chemistry does not justify bringing a newborn child into existence. Feel is not the binding glue of aged couples walking happily down the street in canes and walkers. How we truly learn to love is by overlooking the things we want or expect, but rather, what is necessary for two people to enjoy a lifetime of happiness together.

I really think people should revisit the above article every time they think about whether a guy is right for them a not, just based on their own lack of attraction and truly consider some other qualities about the guy who do shine forth. I cannot imagine that any couple out there when they got together satisfies each others wants/needs 100% – but what DOES matter is that these two people through their love and commitment for each other enables them to stay together. Love has no disparity, only ignorance.

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on October 16, 2010, in Personal, Thumbs Up Reads and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I like this post of yours, but I’m too tired to type out a proper reply! I’ll probably come back later when I’m less tired!

    LIKE this post by the way.

    • Really… you need to learn how to use the new LIKE feature – they made it for a reason, haha.

      You’re always tired 😀 I only caught you online once for like past 2 weeks. I need to load your last period date on my calendar ‘cuz I think I lost track of it and didn’t account for the variation in your last one to make it accurate 😐

  2. I think that is right bout that. Nice info and thanks. Need to get in google feed.

    • Hrm.. lol, trying to challenge me?

      1) Put time together on your to-do list
      – I always want to spend time with her, whether it’s for a few hours or the day. I think she still has to work on this because she has a lot of free time for her friends, but not me… somehow the time is available for them, even though I live closer and require less of her total time getting to/from (and spending) time with me. I don’t mind not having to be together every day, a day or two a week would be nice and work up from there. I have her on my “to-do list” – the question is, does she? LOL.

      2) Get physical
      – Haha, I’m the touchy-feely type so that’s not an issue for me. I’m not even talking about sexual touching, but just being in contact with her is like a second of being in heaven. It’s weird how there are times she allows me to get super close, physically, to her – and other times her “shyness” kicks in… it boggles me and I don’t understand 😛 It feels so nice when we’re close together, whether it’s sitting or lying next to her, or just helping her do something where we’re really close. I never expect we jump from one step to the next, we have a long way to go for that comfort, but we gotta start somewhere and it’s not a matter of forcing the issue, but giving it that extra push that everyone needs, especially for those new to the concept of physical intimacy. It takes a lot for me to be comfortable to be in close-contact with a girl ‘cuz I’m generally the shy type 😀 .. well… not with bebe at least, lol, she makes me feel way too comfortable when I’m with her!

      3) Book a weekend getaway
      – Don’t mind at all, even if we had to share separate rooms for the time being… or same room, different bed? I think she’s quite old-fashion so wouldn’t want to be in a room with me alone for now anyways, lol. Maybe she thinks I’ll take advantage of her? HAHA. I might not be the most un-perverted guy, but I’m not going to take advantage of a girl I love 😛 Just somewhere out of the city or Niagara-on-the-Lake would be a nice getaway… especially at the Gatehouse where I wanted to take her for lunch ^_^

      4) Switch roles
      – What roles? Sometimes I take the lead and say where we’re going to go and what we’re gonna do – and sometimes I let her take the lead. I want both of us to be happy and learn to enjoy spending time with each other even if we’re not ALWAYS doing the stuff that only one of us likes! I’m cool with compromising and doing something different. However, if we’re talking about switching roles… I guess I’ll have to clean her toilet, haha.

      5) Share memories and future dreams
      – Do it often enough…. haha, my future dreams of our happily-ever-after relationship XD It’s not that I don’t accept there will be lots of difficulties to come, between us, between our family, and especially if we plan on having children, but a relationship is all about going through the “pains” while having fun!

      6) Go to church or temple
      – I’m only ever taken 1 of my girls I’ve dated into the temple before because I truly thought we were getting somewhere in our relationship… I hope bebe is the last and only other girl I want to bring in there and pray for our bright future with each other.

      7) Navel gaze
      – I self-reflect a lot because it allows me to see myself and how I’m presenting myself to bebe. I don’t want to be fake, but at the same time, I take in stride on how to better myself for her. I can’t be the perfect person who fulfills her every wishes and requirements, but I can try to change bad habits of mine or find ways to make her happy. We spend a lot time discussing things frankly because it helps us analyze where our relationship flaws are, so we can make something of it!

      … will look at the second link another time, too much work to do 😛

      • Ok… so part 2 to your answer because I’m waiting for something to get done right now, so I can reply 😛

        1. Open the door.raceygirl says this polite act isn’t limited to just opening the door for her — “I love the door being opened, but it’s nice when he opens it for older people or children too.” No need to walk 20 paces ahead of her to open every single door, but if you get there, open it for her, and make sure you don’t let it slam on the elderly couple walking behind her. Selective manners don’t go over too well.
        That I already do 😀 In fact, I even would get the car door for her but she’ll get out faster than I can get over there, lol. It was really funny because I was joking with her and told her if she kept opening the (car) door herself, I’d put the child-safety on it so only I could open the door from the outside 😆 I do open regular doors for her if I get there before she does of course! It was interesting when I went out with a couple the other day, I asked my guy-friend why he didn’t open the car door for his girlfriend. Then the girlfriend replied that “he’s never opened the car door for me, not once – he’s so not romantic at all” and she was surprized I actually noticed something small like that. Maybe I’m just the super-caring and romantic type if that’s what girls view it as XD not sure why bebe sees it as weird more than being kind, lol. I guess it just means bebe needs more caring from me for her to get used to it 😀

        2. Ladies first.iowaczechartist writes, “If a man is walking with me and he lets me go inside first or is guiding me through a crowd, his hand gently touching the small of my back TOTALLY HAS ME AS LIMP AS A WET RAG.” Why does it make her weak in the knees? “He is protecting me, guiding me, but not smothering me — that is the sign of as true gentleman.” Many Answerology ladies echoed that sentiment, so men, add “hand on the small of the back” to your dating repertoires, please.
        Hrm… can’t recall having gone somewhere that I required me to guide her because it was busy enough… although when we were at T&T, I guess I did clear the way for her by being in the front and made sure no one bumped into her. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t something I consciously decided to do… guess I just regularly do that anyways for girls? I just don’t like people bumping into the girls I’m with 😛 because I get really defensive of that, haha. I remember when someone bumped into my mom, I was ready to crank him in the face, LOL. I do protect bebe of course to keep those pesky guys away from her 😆 I also try not to walk closely next to her because then my hands might try to grab hers and hold it and never let go 😛

        3. Act like you care. Answerology member cinders717 says, “I love it when a man is concerned if I am not feeling well, and that he encourages me to take care and eat enough. I love when he makes sure to remind me to take gloves on a cold winter day.” Don’t quarantine her or call the paramedics every time she sneezes, but a tissue would be nice. She can take care of herself, but your lady also wants to be taken care of a little — whether she needs it or not.
        This I think is the #1 way that a girl knows I care about her “more than just a friend”… it’s like my worst being-seen-through flaw, haha. Every time a girl has asked me, “Do you like me?” – it was almost always because they found signs of me caring about them, more than I would of ‘another person’ – even most of my friends can tell the difference between girls I like and girls I ‘like’ XD .. I like this part, although I know bebe’s been so independant for so long, but I always try to convey the same thing to her… but your lady also wants to be taken care of a little — whether she needs it or not lol.

        4. Give her a hand.snowbear08 says “Taking my hand and helping me up steps, hills, rocks, uneven terrain” makes her melt. You might love those four-inch pumps she’s wearing, but they don’t do so well on cobblestone or sprinting through a patch of grass, so lend a hand when the situation calls for it.
        A bit far from this one for now 😛 Don’t think she’d let me help her too much, haha… although would I do it? ABSOLUTELY! It’s a nice way to have an excuse to hold her hands or arm 😀 That used to be my lead off for most of my girls before, see how comfortable they are and then “forget to let go” …. haha, I’m giving away all my secrets now!! If she struggles to walk somewhere, hell, I’ll carry her… after all, I’m ready to shoulder her for the rest of our life together ^__^

  3. An fascinating discussion is value comment. I think that you need to write extra on this matter, it may not be a taboo topic but typically persons are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  1. Pingback: Is It Wrong to Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Him … | Adult Society

  2. Pingback: Good Men Here

  3. Pingback: DBW

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: