Self-Confidence: Renewal Plan

After many long conversations with friends and loved-ones yesterday, I’ve finally decided to take a new plan of action and start taking control of my life – or well, at least things that I can decide upon. Ever since high-school, I’ve had a fairly bad self-image physically of myself. Through a combination of poor diet, lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle lead me to lose my boyish good-looks and fit body. Yes, that is right, I was a cross-country runner, track-and-field participant, sprinter, cyclist, tennis-player, basketball-player, volleyball-player the list could go on.. I was always out, never at home. So anyways, of course paired with puberty, I grew… both upwards AND sideways. I’ve told myself, that I will forbid my (future) kids from ever eating cafeteria food as that just compounded the problem. I wanted to “fit in” – not be the kid who always packed a lunch and that’s what screwed me today. Nevertheless, I went from being the guy that all the girls wanted to “hang out with after school” and “wanted to invite to the school dance” to the fat Asian kid. It was traumatizing.

Even currently, the shame and self-doubt sticks with me. I admittedly for the past years, been a person who lacked self-confidence, physically, about myself. Many older women have a thing for me, but not ones my age or younger. Ones who have their own children always want to set me up with their daughter(s). In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.

As of Saturday, October 16th 2010, I stand by myself that I need to re-evaluate my own perception. Given that so many people have such a positive view of me, both personality and those who do admire my manly and handsome look – I question myself how I can’t even get over myself. For the past while, my anguish of lack-of-self-confidence was deepened by my receding hairline and thinning hair. For the past year I’ve worried, had nightmares and cried over my changes in hair growth, a once lush-head full of hair. I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ll tell you why. The lack of self-confidence really damages me. Confidence has an aura of its own. Truth be told, I know a guy who weighs 60lbs more than me, is not even as fit as I am, is not particularly “attractive” and man, the girls he pulls in is amazing. I ask myself how.

How can a guy who doesn’t meet what most women would consider to be their “physical criteria” have such attraction? Don’t lie to yourself. The first time you saw your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other, the first thing you looked at was his/her body and face… don’t even bullshit about it. My friend, he’s a confident man. He acts like he’s good looking and it WORKS. His confidence in himself and his willingness to not see a girl being “out of his league” amazes me. I’m a bit self-aware… I date girls or will chase after girls who “match” with me. I won’t go for a girl who is too low or too high in social status. I won’t go for a girl who is too unpretty or too pretty. I won’t go for a girl who is in a career where it puts my career to shame. The list could go on, but I never try to “overextend” myself is what I’m trying to get at. I know what I have to offer and of course I’d look for a girl who isn’t miles ahead of me – because I’d be setting myself to be crushed.

For the past few months as my hair began to recede, I became not only sad, but annoyed. I think for 2 weeks, I couldn’t even bare looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked, I’d subconsciously glance at my hair too. It’s thinning – there’s no doubt. The last time I got a hair cut, my bangs were down past my eyes. This time, my bangs were only down to my eyebrows and wasn’t as thick as last time. I’m so fucking tired of it. I will say, I respect the fact bebe likes hair – most girls do. I understand that having hair makes you appear younger and physically attractive. However, my hair loss isn’t something I desire and it’s already hard enough as it is. For her to tell me she “really wants hair on me” hurts a lot – a whole fucking lot. That’d be like me telling her you need to shave your armpits (whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.. I never bothered looking, it was just an example). People grow hair, not grow hair or lose hair, regardless of where on their body because it’s their body-at-work, not a choice. I love my hair, I do and I wouldn’t want to be without it, but I also don’t want that being held against me. I love bebe for who she is, not because of “portions” of her.

Today, I am a brand new me and I’ve already seen the effects of it. Allowing myself to let my confidence show has made my day amazing. Last night, I decided I had enoguh with dealing with my hair and all the negativity surrounding the way I looked. Yesterday, I went to Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls and had a make-over. I stocked my closet with some new clothes, both casual and business-suitable attire. I can flip between a “young and trendy look” to a “smart, professional, clean look” by mixing and matching. Fashion helps change a person’s appearance immensely. I woke up in the morning looking at my mushroom-hair on my head and got my hair cut short. No, it’s not quite like a buzz-cut or even anything close to a “shave” – it’s just trimmed, short and SEXY. Yes, that’s right, I called myself sexy for the first time in ages because I FELT it. I left the hair stylist with new cut, the first time ever that I’ve let someone “take full control” on my head. She did a fantastic job. I got home to change as I was scheduled to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. I finally dared to look myself in the mirror today – the style fits my head so well – doesn’t make me look like I’m losing hair and fits my face. Shit, who’s that nice guy staring back at me in the mirror? I felt charged. It has been so long since I’ve stared at the mirror in self-confidence. I feel like a new me. Today – I am not ugly, I am an attractive young man, hoping to win the hearts of girls (ok well I lied, just girl 😛 bebe… lol).

Where does confidence come from? Not from others, but yourself. I haven’t smiled in quite a while as I walked around. Shit be told, the act of feeling confident is almost as good as looking like a model. When my friends and I hit the mall afterward, I seriously swear I strutted as I walked. I had so much confidence and assurance in myself that I didn’t feel shy or self-aware. When my friends and I were trying on some clothes, I talked to some of the girls who stood around waiting to change and even the salesgirl. I glowed, I really did. I didn’t feel as if I wasn’t “good enough” to speak to them, her and I were just the same -a human being, no judgments. There were maybe some exchanges of implied compliments and it was nice. It was nice not to feel ugly and whether I am or not – that wasn’t the point, my appearance and aura of self-confidence was enough to make a girl smile. I suddenly realized how my friend gets the girls… just not worrying about oneself is golden, because a girl can tell apart of a man with confidence from one who does not. As unattractive physically as a man with confidence may be, it’s not any better for an attractive man with no confidence.

I am truly happy today because after a very engaging talking with family and friends, I decided I need to change my approach to myself. I am a good guy, I’m a guy deserving of a sweet girl, I’m professional, I’m handsome, I’m intelligent and I’m interesting. I need to drop my “I’m not good enough”attitude because I actually am good enough. I’m a respectful human being and I should treat myself and others as such. I am not any “better” nor any “worse” than the next guy. I am born with a “normal” body, I have all 5-sense intact, I am healthy and I have a mind which can think and a heart which can love. I am in fact, luckier than many individuals on the face of the planet who have been unfortunately deprived of these things. I am a fortunate person and I should take advantage of the fact I am blessed with this. I need to learn to be satisfied, but at the same time, strive to do better. I am now full-out concentrated on improving my self-image, confidence and continue chasing after bebe. She’s no longer going to set me back by saying she wants a guy with hair, because I’m going to make a stand. She can’t just make it the center-of-attention in our relationship – I need to make it clear to her I care about her for who she is and she really needs to get over these physical things which we can’t control. One day, she will lose figure, her beautiful body won’t be there, her hair will turn white, but guess what? I WILL STILL, love her the same way I do now, if not only stronger. I guess some people saw me as being a bit weak, that I let too many things that bebe “wants” affecting me and hurting my self-image and confidence. Today I’m rising to say that despite what she “wants” or “desires” I’m going to display myself as an upstanding and handsome individual deserving of her love – because I will return the same to her.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed, happy, satisfied and strong. It’s going to be a long week as I’m involved in an intensive 5-day course out in Mississauga. It’s 9 hours every day, just session time, and about 1 1/2 hours of driving each way (due to traffic). It has been almost 2 months since she’s left and there’s still 4 more to go. However, I will wait for her because my heart tells me she’s the right girl. There are some things and some people who are worth fighting and waiting for – and she’s one of them. They’ll be lots of competition and lots of courting to happen. I need to reassure her I am good enough for her and that she can feel secure with me. There’s probably a lot of doubt in her mind about whether we will truly get along in a relationship and what the course of her life is and whether she’s doing the right/wrong thing by committing herself to me. I need her to know that just because she may not date other guys or have been in relationships before, that doesn’t mean she’s “missed out” but rather, won the lottery on the first try and that she doesn’t have to go through the pains of a long-term relationship break-up! I want her to know I’m prepared to be a part of her family and friends and that I will represent “us” in good nature.

I stand strong. I cannot allow others to damage my confidence and belief in myself. I am a capable person. I need to allow my image to change and reflect the person who I really am. I need to accept and appreciate positive comments from others. I need to believe their words more than I believe mine. If a girl says I am good looking, I will smile, thank her, and believe in it – not doubt her or think that she’s saying it with an ulterior motive or sarcasm. When someone says “you are a nice guy” to me, I will think, “Hey ya, I’m a pretty nice guy.” I need to STOP with this lack of self-confidence. The only way to make others believe in me is to believe in myself first and foremost. To allow a girl to feel secure with me, I have to be secure of myself. To show I’m not a wussy and that I am a MAN, I do need to not allow bebe’s words harm my image of myself just because I don’t have a full-set of hair. I asked many of my married friends, what if today, your husband or wife changed in appearance, what would you do? All of them without a thought said it’d make no difference. This is what I want bebe to see… me, not of the outer shell, but the inner-heart. This is also what I see of her… not the outer shell, but the inner beauty. It’s unfair for me to compare to her to others because every person has their strengths and weaknesses, where they glow and where they fall short. I think any girl I’ve been with will have a very tough time matching the same physical beauty as my ex-ex “L”… she is the most physically attractive girl I’ve ever truly known (celebrities don’t count, I don’t “know” them). I used to use L as my standard for girls. Every girl henceforth needs to at least be as hot/cute as L, otherwise they’re not worth my time. Suffice to say, you cannot take one girl and compare it to another, it’s just not damn fair. Suffice to say, just because one day when bebe compares me to another husband/boyfriend of one of her friends who may be more attractive or has more hair than me, doesn’t make me any worse of a person! When people ask me what bebe look like, I tell them that she is an extremely beautiful woman because that’s what she is to me. I do not say, “Oh, compared to ____ she’s not as ____” There’s no need to compare and yes, the grass will always be greener on the other side. Be satisfied and you will achieve happiness.

Shit, I gotta get sleeping now so I can meet my coworkers at the car-pool. Blog updates might be a bit sketchy for the week. Will bid you all a good night 🙂 Confidence > ALL!

Looks like I might spend some extra time in the mirror tomorrow smiling and saying, “Ohhhhh ya, just like the old days – handsome me!”

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on October 17, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. CCCCCCCCCCCCCC that’s the boy I met years ago comin’ right back!! I dun even c y u r so hard on urself all the time. Ok so u aren’t “perfect” and the “model guy” for every girl to lust over, but that doesn’t mean u need to b so critical. It’s true, we all judge on first-sight… only diff is that the way that bebe n’ u connected, she sees a lot more inside u than on the outside. U drop a few lbs n’ work on that smile of yurs, n’ u’ll hv bebe crawling all over u that u won’t even b able to get her off!

    Although bebe’s putting u through some tough times, it’s just a way for her to test u n’ see whether u truly r who u say u r. U kno in a world like this, there r so many ‘bad’ ppl that she really needs to be ascertained whether u r right for her… not just emotionally, but whether u will end up being one of those crazy guys who hurt their wife! Although I know us girls always defend ourselves and say, “No! We never ‘test’ guys, that is so wrong” … the fact is we do, and studies have shown it. Whether it is a conscious or subconscious ‘testing’ – we do it! Sometimes testing is harmless and other times, it’s harmful. I’m not going to agree or disagree with how bebe wants to test u, but every girl is diff! Some like to c how loyal u r, others try to test yur Patience and some find every opportunity to see if she has “right guesses” about u – we’re very analytical creatures!! Every time that u hv ANY type of contact with bebe, in the back of her mind, she is gauging how u react to things n’ debating with herself whether u r someone she can love. I know for now, she probably juz wants to find any ‘excuse’ or even suppressing her own feels deep-down to justify to herself that you AREN’T the right guy, so she feels better and easier to cope. It’s our easiest way of defense, by putting out an OFFENSE.

    Juz keep doin’ what yur doin’ now, which is being you – a genuinely nice guy. When she’s inundated with so many family/friends, she may submerged her mind into forgetting abt u… n that might appear irresponsible like she’s trying to put u to the “back of her mind” – but think of it this way. If she has to try so hard to turn her mind off you, obviously yur on her mind a lot then!! WWOOOWWW, hehe… c such good signs? If u think simple like that, then maybe it will make sense what we girls do.

    😀 So happy to see the new… or well really, the NORMAL you! Heppi heppi.

    • Hehe, just trying to take a bit of control in my life you know? I spend so much time trying just to “cater” to bebe, I forget that I am still an individual and should have at least some SELF-RESPECT left for myself. I still want to continue to be nice to her and understand, but I also can’t lose control/respect for myself just to submit to her like some kind of “underling” or not to her ‘level’. I’m not rebelling against her, it’s a matter of making myself feel confident and mentally-well. It’s extremely damaging if even I don’t believe in myself or feel confident.

      It has been said that some girls like to supress their boyfriend/guy/husband because it establishes that “they are in control” and so the relationship progresses where the girl takes advantage of the guy because he’s always been so “weak”. I don’t think or well I honestly don’t hope that’s her intentions…and I highly doubt it is. However, there are many women who do this to weaken the guy so that everything is in the girl’s favour! Damn that cruel how some women can do this 😕

      Haha, I already knew about the whole test thing, but thanks for advising and letting me know 😄 Any girl who say they don’t test their boyfriend or EVEN husband on a regular basis is a liar 😛 Whether it’s something big or something small, girls always like to “test their guys” to see what they can or can’t pull before it sets the guy off and how far/how they can take advantage of the guy. I don’t mean “take advantage” in a bad way, but more like where can the girl “get away with things” and stuff like that – because everyone has different levels of tolerance and things they reject/accept. I can admit that I’m sometimes fragile to certain “tests” she does… some are completely understandable, others are questionable – but hey, that’s the individuality of every girl! She’s different and that’s what makes her great 😀 I love gloating about how awesome bebe is, can you tell? 😆

      I never thought about the whole concept of that she actually has to “forcefully” try to push me out of her mind and it being a good sign that she DOES think about me. I guess it might not be the best way to think about me, but at the very least, it’s a sign I have some kinda spot in her heart/mind. It may be a “negative” thing at the moment, but I pray/hope that it will become a positive thing and that she realizes deep-down, we’re meant to be together and will bring each other MUCH happiness and life-fulfillment. We have lots of hurdles to overcome no doubt, but we’ll do it!

      I hope I can continue my patience and because she really is worth it. I don’t want to snap or anything and go all nasty on her… and of course you’ve seen all the less-than-admirable-things that I get myself into when I get screwed in a relationship 😯 There’s a lot of redeeming qualities about bebe… I guess it’s a matter of waiting for her to settle down with her life and mature to the point where she’s serious about what she’s looking for in a guy. I want to be that guy of course and I do want to have the chance to prove myself to her, albeit her claims that there’s just not “that feeling there” which of course is all BLAH. I was talking to Alyson the other day and she’s right… I mean, bebe is awfully young to having the same mentality as I do, but if she’s “dragging me along” – there has to be a reason, and it’s because we BOTH recognize we’d be great partners for each other. Also, once she’s done with all that acclaimed “freedom” of hers, she’ll finally take things seriously. I suppose there’ll be things she needs to get over about me and there are things I need to get over about her too – I’ve just never talked about it. I don’t feel it’s any good to “bad-mouth” a girl i care about, even if something irritates me. Honestly, my friends think that bebe is some kind of saint because I talk about her like she’s some goddess who has/never done any wrong at all, haha. I like to see all the positive things about her and make sure that my friends don’t have to listen to me say negative things because really, what good does that do? In the end, the only person it hurts is bebe and I – so of course I would not want that to occur! Once you start speaking positively about your other half, all of a sudden, you WILL realize that he/she IS actually a great person – because positive reinforcements generate positive feelings of things.

  2. Yup, hehe – good idea la, can’t lose yur own identity and change who u r just coz SHE likes it that way… u r still a person ya? Can’t let her consume yur life and start dictating evrythg. I kno she brought u down coz u lost so much confident when she started playing u n messin with yur mind/heart. I’m glad that even out of the pits of despair n that yur climbing out of that hole!! It shows how much strength u hv that she can step on u so much n u can still rise from it.. so much 勇氣! N yes, it is much easier for us girls to “control” u if u r weak bcoz we know u will submit/do anythg for us… not saying it’s rite tho.

    U r so knowledgeable abt girls xDD kakaka… dun u worri sm girl onli go after u money ma? 😐 Got to be careful la. U spend too much on her n u will “set a standard” n she will expect that forever. Suddenly when u dun give her that much, she will feel unhappy! U gloat so much abt bebe that it makes ME turn red!! SO lucky to hv a bf like u, who’s willing to stand up for her and defend her.. altho mayb that just means u see her like she can ‘do no wrong’ – but u should still express to her of what u feel and how she affects u.

    When u send me a pic so I can c yur new lengjai face? 😀 Dream abt bebe lately? kekekeke.

    • Urg, sorry took so long girl! I’m still trying to recover from one-week of hell and then Monday have dentist appointment for teeth cleaning, haha.

      So umm… ya, just trying to stay happy because that’s important to me right now. If I’m unhappy, it just makes a mess of everything and it isn’t worth it. I’m not going to let her consume my life, but she’s an important part of my life and I really feel for her. I mean, I checked my MSN and the last time we chatted was May 27th and visible June 3rd… it’s a pretty big fuckload of bullshit, but what can I do? I mean, it’s not that I don’t know she’s online and can detect her being online, but what to do when she doesn’t want to talk? It’s annoying as shit, makes me turn red with fire and I want to shoot random people to express my anger, but again, there’s no gain for me. It’s totally painful and I don’t even know what to feel. I’m just trying to fathom what she thinks or goes through her mind T__T I just want to scream sometimes but ai… no more air. I just want her to talk to me, like fucking seriously, it’s so annoying sometimes >_< Ya, she's busy, enjoying time with her family/friends and blah blah – makes sense, but it's like… arg, don't even know how to explain it without going ballistic.

      So anyways… off of that topic since it makes me blood-boil, ya, I like talking about her because I think it really brings me happiness. Whenever the (few) friends find out about her and I, they always want to meet her because she sounds so great (which she is, duh :P) and I wonder whether her friends have wanted to invite me to do something too. Today, I saw two couples eating at a restaurant and the two guys were talking and the two girls. It's pretty awesome to have two couples interacting with each others partner… like if bebe and I were to go out with another couple and us two guys would have a convo and be 'friends' and the girls already know each other – so that's totally cool, haha. I was so jealous, I was like OMG, I want that to be us!! And we totally COULD be and a realistic chance would be nice, not just "guessing" whether we'd be right together, but trying to make things connect deeper than just "us two."

      I do express things to her, I write to her over FB and let her know what I'm thinking and just to check up on how things are going. Sometimes I get a response, sometimes not… All I can say is sigh, but there's nothing I can do other than wait and hope (or well, I can.. but sometimes you don't want to be too 絕, especially to people you love… it's just hard to do even if you feel like it)… but it’s best to wins someone’s love by showing love right?

      I sent it to you la, haha… still working on face-thinning, but I heard that was THE hardest part (and the LAST part) where you will “lose weight/fat” … so just gotta keep going at it! This week has been bad eating out all the time from going on conference, so have to work-out extra hard this coming week and going back to “eating normal.” Haven’t you learned, never to ask a guy about his dreams? 😄 You really DON’T want to know about them 😆 Everyone really likes my new hair-cut 😀

      • 🙂 all that matters is ur happy w/ urself now – evrythg else cms secondary! When u r confident, it makes us girls think, “Wow, mayb he reali is more than he appears..” and will make us feel like we want to give u a try. Whenever u show lack of confidence, u dun even believe in urself, cannot expect girl to believe u tht u r the Mr. Right! If u shine in front of bebe, then she will think to herself, “Wah, maybe i misjudged him and I should take him more seriously!”

        Annnnddd yesshh, I do like ur new haircut ^__^ and like u say ur mom always says… yur face will not get ‘thin’ coz it’s not yur FAT that’s making yur face big, it is yur BONE STRUCTURE. The onli way u can change that is by either having a calcium problem n u start shrinking, or u get bone-reduction done. It isn’t worth it to do either, coz u r who u r. I can see tht if u r fat u worry n want to lose weight, but u have lost so much already n what u have left is just a bit of meat and then bone. No matter how slim u go, yur face will be like that… so it’s even worse if the rest of yur body “doesn’t match”!!

        When u cms to girls, u always want to be patient, especially w/ 1 younger coz she’s doesn’t think the same way u do… n it takes time for her to ‘come down’. If u move slowly, she will find out she cares more abt u than she realizes and things will begin to flourish n then u two will 長相廝守 kekeke. I think we all think at one point that “we are the best” and that we’re “too good” – but as we mature, we realize that we aren’t some godly figure where evry1 else is “below” us.. I mean, I rmbr u yelling at me one time saying how I thought was “the best girl ever”.. n I nvr understood until later. It’s so nice to not hv made mistakes, thinking that I am better than evry1 else. Bebe may think that she’s “hot shit” and that u r below her n not worthy of her – but she will see one day, hopefully soon, that we are all humans and deserve respect and chances to seek success – success in yur case to move onto a serious relationship. I think this is smthg that cms with age… no matter how much u told me b4, it simply took time for me to understand!

        I guess if u step bk, look at taking care of bebe like u do with yur god-sis. They’re young and they feel like they r on-top-of-the-world. Nothing is good enuf for them and no matter how much u try to teach, lecture or say, they will not absorb until they go thru it! Once they slam into a wall once, then they will be like, “Oh ya… I rmbr I was told this!” or “Now I know how it feels…” – bebe sounds like the very innocent type so u hv to be xtra sensitive handling her, hehehe 😛

        I always ask guys what they dream abt 😄 I hv a very high tolerance… 😆

        • Hehe, glad you understand girls, lol – ‘cuz sometimes when I think I do, I really don’t 😄 or maybe just ‘cuz bebe is hard to understand, lol.

          And in reply to your question about money… whenever I get with any girl, I want to make sure that’s not the objective. Bebe has never really shown any love for my money, in fact, she much rather spend her own which is nice. The only time I ever really raised an eyebrow was when she said I have an “ok car” … I was like 😐 because everyone who has ever rode in my car love it and think it’s a “really nice car”… and she only considered it “ok” so I’m thinking, what do I need to drive then? Porsche? Ferrari? Benz? 😆 Do I need to buy a half-million dollar car to impress her? haha.

          But then ya… that was really the only instance that something made me raise an eyebrow and really, I think it was just a communication misunderstanding. Probably her use of “ok” is different than what we consider regularly to be “ok”. I kinda just shrugged it off, no point letting something small like that bug me. I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that anyways…. but of course I’m on the lookout for girls who really ARE after just my money.

          It’s not that I deny financial stability to be an important part of a serious relationship… I mean after all, most girls nowadays are financially independent but wouldn’t want to be “taking care of the guy” per se… so I expect girls just as much to want a guy who has at least a foothold on his career and even if he doesn’t have lots of money to offer her, but to at least not need her to be forking out the expenses/debts, hah.

          I’m just hoping to help her secure a job and start a new life together 😀

  3. I find myself coming to your blog more and more often to the point where my visits are almost daily now!

  4. You certainly deserve a round of applause for your post and more specifically, your blog in general. Very high quality material.

  5. In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.

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