Discovering Your Sexuality

Today I went and enjoyed a Christmas show with one of my girls & another with one of their boyfriend. I’ve only hung out with this boyfriend a few times and although we don’t know each other very well, we get along great whenever we get together. We skipped lunch and got to Niagara Falls, Fallsview a few hours early, that way we could hit up the Grand Buffet in the casino. We figured if the show started at 7, getting there at 4 would give us a good 2 hours to eat and an hour to blow our money… and yes, no winnings this time again 😦 sad!

You may wonder what my post title has to do with my little story and it really has to do with some conversations struck-up by the boyfriend – we’ll just call him J. The show itself was a lot of dancing and of course, lots of girls. When you pair dancing and girls, what do you usually get? Lots of nice tummies, boobies and invariably, “open legs”. I guess J and his girlfriend don’t go out to see artistic shows much because obviously he was enamored with bouncing boobs, up-skirt shots and the physique of the performing girls. It isn’t that I don’t agree that those are all wonderful things, but having seen quite a few shows now, the “excitement” isn’t there as much just because the girl is flying through the air and you can see between her legs. I think the first time a guy sees it, he’ll think, “Wow, this is so damn hot!” but you become accustomed to it after a while and it is just part of the show. Yes, certainly in some shows, particularly Dancing Queen, it was undeniably sexy with lots of revealing clothing, suggestive themes and stimulation, I no longer have that oh-my-god reaction. Throughout the show, he felt the need to point this all out and I didn’t chastise him since after all I’m a guy and I know what guys think.

What made me feel a bit weird was he made many comments about the girls on stage (of course quietly enough where not everyone would hear), but his girlfriend was within earshot right next to us. I mean we’re guys and as guys, we’re pretty damn naughty and downright disgusting 😛 As much as I’d like to say that I’m differently, if you’ve ever noticed, put one guy apart and he’s a gentleman, but a few guys together and we’re savages. Likewise, put one girl on her own and she’s a lady, but a few girls together and they’re just as bad. If you haven’t seen a few girls together oogling and drooling over some cute boy, then you need to get out to the mall more often, lol.

I agree that the girls on stage are all quite pretty, some more than others and although they share things in common, such as their near-perfected bodies and ample assets. Obviously being in show-business, I wonder how much time they spend working out to have sculpted arms, legs, bust and abs. I hate girls that are too built, but these girls had those nice abs but not the ones that’d make you puke – nice flat tummies with muscles in the right places. It would make almost any guy or girl jealous seeing the performers in their toned-body. Nevertheless, I’ve always been the type where if I was with my girlfriend, I wouldn’t go mentioning other beautiful women around her. It just seems wrong, makes the girlfriend feel awkward and perhaps even make her dissatisfied with herself. I know they have been dating for 3 years and perhaps are more “lax” with things, but I know if I were with bebe, even if I saw a beautiful girl, I wouldn’t dare make a comment within earshot of her or point it out to her and say “oh this girl is pretty” because it’s just not a gentlemanly thing to do. Just “between the guys” I can see a conversation like that, but not when you’re with a girl you’re with!

I put myself in the same position, if bebe saw a really cute boy, I wouldn’t want her to point it out to me or hear her talk to her friends about it because it’d make me feel very lacking and “not good enough for her if I were to hear it, even if that might not be the case. It’s not that I can’t accept her looking at other guys per se, I mean there’s plenty of more beautiful people than bebe or I, and I’m sure we’d both look, but there’s no need to point it out or make it so obvious that you start making your other-half feel bad. I was trying to “hint” to him to tone it down since I could see his girlfriend starting to be disgruntled with her boyfriend while he kept on telling me about all the “sexy things” he saw and how he’d want to do the girl and stuff. One of the girls Mikael, the lead actress has a beautiful body, face, voice and even has that “電” or “come-hither” allure that makes it look like she wants you and I’ll admit that it’d make a guy take a second-look. I tried to change the subject and although I successfully got him off it, he trailed off to another conversation in which he asked, “So [my name], when did you realize you liked girls?

And from there, the girls had already stood in line at the coffee shop since we walked around the block outside to see the falls a bit and wanted to sit down. We had a very interesting conversation over some coffee and cake. I think I’ve spent very little time contemplating that before. As far as I know, I’ve always liked girls and it wasn’t something I needed to be “taught”. My parents have never sat me down and be like, “Ok son, so you’re supposed to feel attracted to females“… it was just something that “occurred”. As far as I can recall, I got my ‘first kiss’ in Kindergarten (and obviously “kisses” then weren’t the with-tongue type… rest assured I got kissed, I wasn’t the one kissing!) and even at that age, it was already my natural connection with girls, I felt girls were attractive and boys were not. After thinking about it, I believe that sexuality is something that’s connected simply to natural growth progression and genetics. I remember when I was talking to a gay-friend before, he simply said, “Liking guys was not something I learned, I simply FELT it.. just how you like girls, you felt it, you didn’t LEARN it.” – and he’s right about that. There wasn’t really a time I doubted myself whether liking girls was my thing, I’ve been interested in girls from a very young age (beyond the whole menstruation thing :lol:), I didn’t think, “Gee, I wonder if I like guys…”

J asked me when I started liking girls… if I can even remember when.. I mean, how do you even define a time-frame like that? It isn’t something that “happens” on a set-date, where do I even start calculating a date for that? LOL… I think at some point or another, kids all “play doctor” and that’s where the exploration of male and female bodies come in, but growing up in a conservative family and having adults around all the time at home limited how much “trouble” we could get into. I highly doubt at any point any of my girl-friends and I were ever nude when playing doctor. When we played doctor, I think it was more of a “I’m going to give you an injection” more than “I want to inspect down there”. Suffice to say, growing up in the current era is probably a lot different than when kids were really innocent and we didn’t know any better. As far as my conscience memory can recall, there was no conscience “thought” on my part to like women – it just was and is – there wasn’t a decision making process involved.

The question that J came up with, as simple as it may seen, really got me thinking. Sitting in the show, both of us guys are admiring the beauty of the girls on stage, yet, where did these feelings come from? Neither of us were told we had to like girls. There was no said-guidance. It’s as natural for us to like girls as natural as a homosexual guy would feel attracted to another guy. As I was writing this blog, I searched on Google, something along the lines of, “When do boys start liking girls?” and came up with about 1.2 million hits. I browsed through a few and it turns out I’m not along, apparently Kindergarten is quite a usual reply, although I reckon that we are all “pre-programmed” to feel attracted the the opposite-sex, same-sex or even both, before we even realize and it just happens that it “surfaces” in Kindergarten due to exposure to boys/girls at school and that Kindergarten is usually the youngest age that people still have vivid memories about. I still remember quite a bit of my 4 year-old life, perhaps even a bit of when I was 3, but definitely under that, it is blurry and probably not very detailed accounts of it.

As the night came toward 10, we decided we’d start calling it a night. The coffee and cake were delicious, although we totally splurged (cake/coffee is usually quite expensive as it stands, let alone in Niagara Falls tourist area), so we stood on the cafe balcony a bit to enjoy the fresh air and beautiful water-mist view and walked along the edges to feel the crisp air through our lungs. It was a great 7 degrees Celsius out, comfortable enough to stroll through without being bundled up, but not warm enough not to require outerwear. The night was great, minus an awkward situation I managed to get myself in. As we were walking along the pathway, the girl and her boyfriend were clung tightly on each other (which to be honest, made me jealous that bebe wasn’t the one clinging onto me as we walked) and I admired the fact they were doing that and then the other girl just rest her arm around mine and I was totally shocked. Unfortunately my natural reaction was just to drop my arm so she couldn’t put hers around mine. She relented and I think she felt very embarrassed. I felt embarrassed having reacted like that and doing that to her. I mean it isn’t the first time she’s done this and I really don’t mind having a girl holding on to me usually. It was just at that moment she did that, I was thinking about bebe and how romantic it’d be to one day soon spend a night like that just strolling and when she hooped her arm around mine, I “felt” it wasn’t bebe and just shook it off. I felt soooooo bad for her and it made things really awkward because even in the dark, I could see her face turn red. It’s not the same that the girl who tried to latch on my arm isn’t bebe and subconsciously, I can’t even accept that anymore. For any other girl to hold me under such romantic circumstances just doesn’t feel acceptable and even if at one point I was ok with that to “casually” let a girl hold me, my body practicality rejects any other girl who comes into intimate contact with me. I don’t deny that the atmosphere was very alluring to just want to hold the closest boy/girl closest to you, but when such a coincidence that I was thinking about bebe and someone who’s not her tries to do that, I had a pretty natural instinct not to allow it. Suffice to say, we kind of kept our distance for the night (which was fine, because it’s not the same…) and it was kind of an unsaid-thing and being one of my girls, I’m sure she understood the situation. I didn’t mean to be so cruel, but I also couldn’t lie to myself and pretend that girl was bebe when it isn’t. Alas, I can’t even feel for another girl, even when the mood is so right… I think that’s the Heaven’s way of saying, “Don’t even THINK about being with another girl other than bebe!

And so, I dropped them all off… got home, played an hour of games and here I am writing this and about to fall asleep 😀 Enjoy the night!

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is…

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I don’t even wish for snow
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won’t even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is…

All I want for Christmas is you… baby

Dedicated to my bebe, forever and always! ❤

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on November 22, 2010, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Hello Prexus…

    I’ve spent about the past 4 hours reading through many of your posts, probably much of it still unread and felt extremely compelled to write a reply. I’m an avid blogger myself but gave it up a few years ago when my husband and I started a family. Reading your entries about your battles with love and with a girl who seems both interested and reluctant to you is almost like seeing my relationship difficulties through your eyes. I too had similar emotions about my (now) husband when we first met, our lust for each other was infallible… we decided we were the ‘perfect’ couple and we progressed quickly to only find after a short while, we started discovering flaws about each other. I decided it was much easier for me not to accept his flaws and move on, because after all, I was “perfect” and wanted someone who would fit every aspect of what I expected in a man.

    A year went by before we met each other again by luck and we reconnected. To make a long story short, I realized that we all have flaws as humans and that we cannot expect perfection in a relationship, but rather, tolerance of each other’s faults while benefitting from the positives – just as how you have chosen to see your girlfriend in the best way ever, she should see everything that makes you a GOOD PERSON.

    Reading your posts have sent me into a spiral of happiness and sadness, making me recall the rough times that I had put my husband through. I’m not sure if the guilt will ever go away, but I’m eternally happy in the end, WE decided to choose each other and I’m glad he did not leave my side despite what I put him through. Your posts have brought me joy when I read of your successes with your girlfriend and brings me tears when I can almost feel the melancholy in your posts when things have gone sour. Rest assured, love is not without its powers and very soon, your girlfriend will recognize that you can offer her something immeasurable, beyond your imperfections, and be PROUD to have a boyfriend (and with all best wishes, husband) like you – because I know I would be happy to have met a guy like you before I met my husband. Other men might be able to offer her riches, good looks, or temporary gentleness, but only you can offer her a permanent and unforgettable thing – true love and unquestionable loyalty.

    Men are often a visage, offering what seems to be greatness but only for a moment of time. She may see that things are greener on the other side, only to realize that what she sees is only a mere instance. I learned the hardway and after years of emotional hardship and causing grief for another human being, I’m glad I will have the next half of my life to dedicate to my husband and kids, to show that I am truly grateful for what I have now and not worrying about “what could have been” if I chose another guy, because constantly thinking that “one can do better” is not always a good thing. Life should be about being modest and sometimes reaching for the stars is not a good thing. I hope your girlfriend never has to go through what I did, because I’m one of the lucky few girls who had a guy who was willing to WAIT and allow me to return. Most guys would pack up and move on as they say… and for that, I know your girlfriend is very lucky to have a guy like you waiting for her with open arms.

    It has taken me a lot of willpower to write this message because I have long been detached from blogging, but to see such heartwarming stories of painful feelings surrounded by loving emotions has moved me and touched my heart in ways you cannot believe. It has been long since I’ve seen chivalry that I didn’t believe there were many men left in this world who could truly bring a woman happiness. Whether it be a day or a year, your girlfriend will soon return to you because life is not meant to be wasted, but enjoyed with someone you love and KNOWS who loves you. You have my well wishes and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your girlfriend sounds like a beautiful young lady, perhaps still slowly learning the ropes of life, but with a wise head on her shoulders! One day you will look back and remember that all you held onto for her was all worth it.

    Yours Truly, Becca.

    • Hi Becca,

      Thank you for taking the time to write such an extensive reply. I am hopeful that in time, she will feel the same way that I feel about her. I do not expect miracles and things to happen overnight, so I know that it all comes down to both our efforts to make things happen. In a world like today where there is no longer security in marriage or even the idea of being committed in a relationship, it is hard for people to believe that permanent relationships still work and exist because it is often much more work than a temporary or just-for-fun one. It is often easier to avoid problems or obstacles, especially with how ‘cheap’ relationships are these days.

      I have confidence that bebe and I will work will hard to set things right. As you said, she is a wonderful, smart and incredibly beautiful girl who completes my life and makes me smile each and every day. Although she has been away from me for so long, my love for her has not waned and my visions of seeing her face, hearing her voice and her head resting on my shoulder is a constant reminder of the person she embodies. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Much akin to your advice, I too try to find everything that makes her great and overlook things that I would have once considered unacceptable. I do not seek perfection, but personality which is sufficient for me to endure within a long-term relationship. I remind myself that compromise and tolerance is the basis of every good relationship. We will not always makes decisions that our other half likes, but it’s important that we believe we are “in it together – for better or worse.” – because that’s how solid relationships survive the test of time, adversity and whatever life throws at you.

      I wrote an article which I’m sure you’ve read – or will read very soon about how experts say we need to be more satisfied with our partners, rather than always questioning oneself about whether we could have “truly done better.” When I’m with bebe, all my concentration is on her and being grateful I have her – I don’t think about what I could’ve been doing with other women or whether I should leave her for someone ‘better’. I hope she’ll be satisfied with me because I too believe we are a good match and that there are redeeming qualities about me worth for her to love and feel for.

      I thank you for your prayers and thoughts for us and to know my words have touched someone’s heart. I hope that in the near future, my personal blog entries will emanate nothing but happy thoughts and feelings as bebe and I progress through our life together.

  2. I doubt that ne1 who kno u well would disagree that yur quite into girls, keke. No one would doubt yur commitment to bebe too! I dun think I’ll be able to even tempt u wit girls when u cm bk.. hehe. Want to meet ne of my frds or smthg? xDD Aiii… too bad lor, u wun even b interested in them. Bebe such a lucky girl to hv such a dedicated bf.. onli a few more months to go b4 she’s bk! I bet u r so excited too la.

    I better get bk to work now, ttyl!! 🙂

    — Oh… I tried to get to yur ‘other’ blog… how cm I can’t access? Says smthg abt it being moved or smthg happened to it meh? Lemme kno…

    • Hehe, ya, I doubt anyone who knows me well would be doubtful of that. I love women too much 😀 OR well…. womAn now… lol!

      Yep, you’re going to have a tough time temping me with your friends 😛 I’m sure there’ll be tons of beautiful girls, but there’ll only be looking and no-touchy! “Hands off” are the rules. I am excited about her returning, but I also don’t want to constantly remind her of it because I truly want her to enjoy her time at home. It would kinda suck too if I was on vacation and someone constantly reminded me about coming home, hehe.

      I had to move my other blog because MSN Spaces is closing down… I’ve migrated it over to WordPress on a different account and I’ll be sending out a notification about it once I get it configured properly. I don’t want everyone reading my most-private thoughts, haha. Once I get it up and going, then I’ll send something around about it!

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  1. Pingback: RealTime - Questions: "I seen this amazing attractive girl the other day and I wanted to talk to her so bad but I didn't?"

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