Cold, Hot, Cold — Warm?

Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.

Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.

We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.

We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.

We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.

So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!

With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.

Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…

I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?

On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀

The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.

I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?

Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.

I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on March 12, 2011, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. Hey, is evrythg ok? I got ur msg n then u went offline reali quick? Hope to hear tht u r home soon, let me kno tht ur mom is ok. Does she need to stay ovrnite or she comin’ home w/u?

    • Ya… turns out the prescription that the first doctor gave was not enough. I had to take my mom back into the hospital because her heart rate was pretty high when I was checking her pulse and she complained that it was beating rapidly. After everything was done, it was about 1AM-ish then we went home. The doctor there, who I suppose was more experienced than the one before recommended that she take TWO pills each time, not just one, because the dosage in one does barely anything and may in fact raise the heart-rate because it’s not strong enough to keep the heart-rate down.

      The good thing is mom managed to get another appointment with the proper specialist in Monday so that’s pretty quick and by then we’ll have proper medication for her thyroid and not simply controlling the heart, since that’s not part of the problem or the root-cause. Once they get that done, the heart rate will naturally return to normal. Hopefully she’ll gain some weight back too since the overactive metabolism is working off a lot more energy and she’s not a big eater as it is. Now I’m practically forcing food/drinks down her throat to get her to gain back lost weight since that’s what the doctor recommended as well.

      We’re out now, there was no stay necessary although she was dehydrated so they gave her about 40 minutes of IV drip to get her body hydrated and skin moisture back. We’re getting ready to go out now and it sucks that we the daylight savings time pushed an hour off my sleep, especially when I didn’t to sleep until like 3AM last night. The good thing was I woke up this morning and she’s flying all over the house like normal, so that’s good.

      • Oh gosh, I’m so happy to hear tht she is ok… hopefully hurry n’ get to the bottom of her problems so she can be just like normal again! The good thing is ur mom n’ family hv always been super healthy, so it’ll be quick when she pops bk up n’ no problems again. Mebe she won’t even need to use med for long-term, juz long enuf to supress it n’ then can go off it again. Is the med expensive?

        Well if u r in Mississauga now, then obviously she’s doing well ^__^ Do u evr tell bebe abt things tht go on or u rather nt bother or worry her? Did u get enuf slp last nite? Coz u seem to hv woken up early… Oh n’ then u got DST too, so tmr ur gonna feel super tired if u dun get enuf slp, so b careful!

        U shld show bebe tht hugging pic to teach her how to sweet-hug properly xDD

        • Heh, ya, I’m glad she’s up and about, but really just want to get this over with an figure out what’s wrong to tackle the REAL problem. I’m really appreciative of our health-care system and the workers who make it happen, even if it has taken longer than I hope. I mean from front to end though, it will only have been 2 weeks since everything started and hopefully get the right meds to control the condition, rather than simply the symptom. We complain about how slow things are here, but it’s actually quite fast. I mean if I really wanted to, I could take her down to the US and simply pay for immediate treatment, but this is not something that needs an immediate response, so considering 2 weeks is not bad at all. The meds are like $15/month tops, so I can handle that, it’s not a big deal. We can claim it on taxes at the end of the year.

          Ya, I tell bebe about everything, why hide this from her right? I don’t think she’d worry that much and plus, we all need to carry on with our lives too. I did wake up early yesterday and went to sleep fairly late last night. However, I slept a lot today, lol, but because it’s MB there’s like 10 cars at work so no one knew I was ‘late’ anyways. It’ll be a pretty lazy week, all I have is one meeting today and right now I’m watching Megamind 😛 I wonder if bebe has watched it yet, hehe, if not it’d be fun to watch together.

          I’m sure bebe knows how to hug properly, she just needs to FEEL like doing it properly 😆

  2. So when u guyz gonna go out more often? Still onli once a wk is kind of too little if u want to advance further. The more u c each other, the easier it’ll be to perpetuate it n’ also continue feeling comfortable. Like u said n’ she said… u two r definitely moving into a more comfortable state, so then u shld take advantage of the stability n’ continue to improve on the current situation. If u let it cool down, then it might not be good… kinda like, eat the potato while it is hot, kakakak.

    Does she evr ask u out or is it alwayz u asking her out? Hopefully she gets u to go out too, coz it shld not be onli one-sided… she should want to c u too, not onli c u when she has smthg to ask or u hv smthg to offer. U shld mk it clear to her tht she shld speak up too to go out. I kno she doesn’t hv a car to drive arnd yet or wtevr… but if she can commit herself enuf to take the bus/coach wtevr to go to frd’s places… then she shld also feel enuf courage to ask u out to places, whether u go pick her up or whether she takes transit to u. I kno it’s typical for guys to alwayz ask the girl out, but once u two are stable like this, then she shld be willing to say, “Hey, wanna do smthg today?” or smthg like tht…

    Is bebe being a 乖女 now w/ u? xDD

    Need to work tho, busy day! Catch up w/ other posts/talk to u later..

    • Hrm, I would like to, I mean even twice a week is good, one day doing stuff “at home” and another day going out… but like bebe said, she needs more time to adapt to seeing me more often, haha. I mean she does have a point about us knowing each other but not having spent a lot of time with each other (gee, I wonder who did that? XD lol) – so we still have to work on that. I know what you mean, right now, the ‘pot is hot’ so now’s the time where we should take advantage of our momentum and keep moving forward – however, she’s not necessarily the type of girl you can rush.

      She’s more of the 他他條條 type 😆 Too bad she’s not 他條 when it comes to dragging the night on with each others company 🙄 BLERG. Contradictory right? Hah. Actually, I find that when she goes out to see her friends, it gives her a ‘breather’ from me and when I go see her a week after, she’s like.. all charged up for me! I guess she can never see ‘one person for too long’, even her friends 😛 – so then to see me, it’s something fresh for her, hehe. Oh, she even used that word to describe us once, to keep us “fresh”, haha… it’s true you can get bored if you see each other too much, but ask any SANE couple and they’ll tell you once a week just sucks 😐 but hey, she’s being a reasonably good girl now, so I can deal with her schedule if she’s being good to me XD

      It has mostly been me asking her out… the only time she even came ‘close’ to asking me out was to get me to pick her up… LOL. I just think because she’s not ‘at liberty’ with a form of transportation and stuff, it is hard for her to ask ME out – since the ‘asker’ is usually the person doing the pickup/driving. You’re right though, I’ve told her that just because I have to pick her up or whatever, doesn’t mean I always have to be the one asking. Yes, I understand the idea that if she can take the bus out for her friends, she SHOULD (and I highlight ‘should’) do it for me as well – but you know girls… haha. Not only that, but don’t forget this is a situation of “I like her, more than she likes me” and you know that girls will milk that cow until it’s dry. If it was the other way around where she liked me more, she’d be the one cumming to me 😆

      She’s definitely on the 乖女 side right now – or maybe I should say “compared to before”… she’s keeping in touch (unfortunately even though I gave her a day completely to herself, I had to prod her to get her to talk… I wanted to see if she would be the one to ‘speak up’ first, ‘cuz I “reminded” her to keep in touch when she was at her friends), accepting my weekly date-offers, letting me give her things without hesitation and we can be relatively close-proximity without weird movements. We have yet to make any progress when it comes to hand-holding, arms-on-shoulder or rear-hugging, but hey, I can’t expect everything at one time 😛 Andie is almost certain that I should just say “fuck it” and just steal a kiss bebe, haha… 😀 I’m still wagering my thoughts on that for my sanity, hah.

      I just need to get that playfulness (gentle teasing, prodding jokes, talk about 無聊嘢) out of bebe, because I know she has it…

      • I juz read that n’ noticed tht u probably PURPOSELY said her ‘cumming’ to u… kakakak… so evil hiding tht there 😆

        But exactly, juz dun be too spoiling of her. I get the idea tht u like her more den she likes u n’ u trying to win her love… at the same time, u hv to be prepared tht should u spoil her like tht now, it will “set the bar” of wt she expect in the future. She knos u can tk advantage of u coz u luv her so much n’ willing to do/give nethg, but u also hv to maintain grounds-rules tht u r doing these things in the condition tht u care for her n’ luv her n’ she should be doing things in return to EARN tht luv. Dun forget, rite now she feels entitled to it.. as in, “U r chasing me, so u MUST do things for me”… But while in any relationship it is ‘the initiator is the one to chase after the other’ juz rmbr u can’t do it 4evr. U hv to “give n’ take” n I think tht’s one core thing bebe has to learn. If all she does is tk from u, she doesn’t c it now, but she’ll wear u down n’ then she’ll regret it. But of coz rite now when u r so swt-swt to her, saying goes, “little girl does not know big world” 😛

        Hope she is treating u well lately ^__^ Miss u lots n’ we’re waiting for u to cm bk soon!

        • Heh, that’s the unfortunate reality when you get into a relationship where there’s more feel on one side than the other. I avoid saying she doesn’t have that feel for me (otherwise she wouldn’t even bother with putting effort to pull things together), but rather, she can’t fully express that feel for me right now. LOL, ya I threw that in there to see if you’d catch it… and you horny little girl, only you’d catch that XD haha.

          Even my mom said she constantly rejected my dad and would not give him a chance when he was chasing her. I think it’s rather cute that one day, my parents and I will share a similar love-story, lol. I’ll be able to tell our kids that.., “Oh, did you know daddy chased mommy as hard as granddad did to grandma?” haha. Love sometimes is just an instant moment of realization and I’m sure if I tried hard enough, bebe will feel that spark to return that love one day. You know, I believe in this a lot because many of my accomplishments in life were all from hard-work, dedication and sometimes, aggression. First, I need bebe to settle down here first, whether in this city or out in the big city, that’ll help her get a mature-footing and a realistic direction, then second, I need to keep all the other guys vying for her love away from her >_> lol. I’m sure she’ll be touched by my love for her one day… and in honesty, even if she simply forced herself to be with me and stayed with me out of obligation, that she WILL indeed be touched by my feelings for her.

          I know that there are people who ‘unfortunately’ marry out of duty or obligation, but those people still end up very happy and then later on realize it wasn’t a bad decision. I always thought it was stupid to head into a relationship where it wasn’t “perfect” in the first place and as I fall deeper for bebe, if someone were to tell me she’d be with me “just because” – I still would accept it and not feel if I wasn’t “sufficient”.. I would only go to PROVE the fact that I am right for her, she is right for me and we are two matching couples. I’d bring her happiness despite her ‘forcing’ herself to be with me… then in time, she will find out she’d be with no one other than me, because she feels lucky herself!

          Going out for lunch now, going to use that free meal ticket I got, haha. Will be back later, not sure if I can find one of the guys to go shooting with me, I just have to get this stress over mom and bebe off my mind. I hope bebe feels happier soon and then I can feel better too!

  3. Wow lor… so much 犧牲 for bebe!

    I think I may need to go on another business trip with my boss -_-” So boring leh… onli ‘fun’ is the nice hotels we usually stay at, kekeke. U shld book a hotel or smthg for special occasions w/ bebe. Try Niagara Falls or smthg, u told me u realli enjoyed the stay last time there… n’ if u book off-seasons, u get some pretty good prices.

    U def worked hard 4 evrythg u achieved in life, so I kno tht y u hv such a huge drive to earn bebe’s luv, coz u kno u can do it if u try hard enuf. I know soooo many ppl r cheering u on n’ wishing tht u will succeed vry soon. Ur family, ur frds n’ even ur mommy r all happy over ur choice of bebe, much better than all the other girls tht ur family n’ frds hv met xDD She is amazing to hv won them over so fast, kakak.

    It’s not necessary for bebe to c tht she is lucky later, she should vry kno now tht she’s vry lucky already!

    • Eep, business trip on your period? That’d be kinda cool, haha. Isn’t it great to get free hotel massages and spas when you’re on your period? XD Such a great treatment! lol. Hrm, even if I booked a hotel stay for bebe and I, it’d probably be in separate rooms – and that I wouldn’t mind either. I don’t think we’re at the point where we can “share the same room” overnight yet. I could probably handle different beds, but I don’t think she can even do that yet. I think I’d be rather shy even if we were in the same room and different beds! See, I can be shy too, lol… I’m not as open as you’d like to think. I may talk about a lot of stuff, but talking is different than doing 😛 It’d be a great treat for us both though for sure, just to “get away”

      Yep, I try hard to work for everything I want in life, including a wonderful girl who I know can give me a world of infinite happiness. I don’t know why sometimes she feels like she’s lacking in this relationship, as if she’s not fulfilling my every needs and that makes her a terrible person. I don’t think she’s terrible and it’s TERRIBLE that she thinks that about herself. We just need to be us and not define a “good” or “bad”… because we are just two people. If we are to make this relationship work, we need to feel secure about ourselves and who we are – then we can proceed to care for each other, after all, you can’t care about someone else before you even learn to care for yourself! When I can help her get rid of the feelings she has with herself not being “sufficient” then we can begin to realize each other. I think sometimes too I ask myself, “Why am I not being a good enough person to bebe for her to love me?” but that should not be the case. Neither of us should feel we are lacking, but rather, how we can improve each others life and not blame ourselves as if something is wrong with us!

      I’m sure bebe knows she’s very lucky and I’m very lucky myself to have her! I guess this makes two very lucky people 😀

      • Hah, cannot control when my period starts n’ end, I juz do wtevr xDD Massage n’ spa is nice, especially if I hv cramps or smthg. Depends on wt massage tho, last time I gt foot massage tht they squeeze so hard I wuz screaming… except coz I wuz on my period n’ my tummy wuz feeling woosy tht evrytime I yelped, I wuz worried I would poop myself 😆 Tht wuld b soooo embarassing! It hurts so much I wuz trying to keep the pain back n’ it was causing my tumy to contract 😀 Gd thg I culd control enuf to hold it in, kakakka. But dunno, I kinda like the massages u give too xDD I kno when bebe lets u massage her, she will becm addicted to how well u can do it, keke.

        I’m not sure where we r going for this trip, he juz said, “I might need u” … I think he wanted to tk one of the other worker w/ him, but they mebe busy so taking me. I heard we were going smwhere warm though, so I shuld bring bikini to go swimming! Means I hv to pack extra tampons too then, ack, more stuff to hv to bring! I kno u r shy xDD It’s juz me who likes to mk u seem like a duck, LOL! If u were the “less shy” type, then u wuld nt like the shy type of girl like bebe rite? 😛 U’d b goin’ for the party girls, haha.

        Bebe n’ u r like 2 cute lil’piglets… so docile, innocent n’ shy 😆 Oh no… ur rite, y wuld bebe think tht she is a bad person, OMG! Is it mebe coz u ask her how things r progressing? Tht’s weird… coz I think it’s alwayz gd to “keep informed” abt how she feels abt u, but she shld not feel like u r pushing her or nethg, u r juz asking rite? I suppose u can alwayz nt ask n’ juz like u said, go w/ the flow n’ nt question her. I hope tht bebe doesn’t c u asking her questions the wrong way, I wuld think tht it is almost the same as asking, “How r u doing?” … smthg nice, inquisitive but not forceful. She shld actually believe she is VERY sufficient for u, lol… coz if she’s nt sufficient, logic wuld mean u wuld hv left for sm1 else rite? Haha… Clearly u r very satisified w/ her 😆 so she shld definitely nt feel like she’s done smthg wrong.

        Well I kno for now u will b quite stressed today n’ tm. For the time being, juz try to put worrying abt bebe aside n’ tk care of mommy. It’s important coz u r the only one ur mom can rely on. Care for her coz u kno, girls judge u on those things, lol. We alwayz think… how a guy treats his mom is a very big indicator of how he will treat us n’ our families xDD Juz give urself time to help ur mom out for nxt few dayz, then u can hv a great nite with bebe on Friday or smthg!! 😀

        • OMG, I’m so jealous you have your period soon, lol. Hrm.. that’d be kinda cool if this weekend bebe gets her period and I get to go out with her.. muha 😆 That’d be a dream cum true, haha.. BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER… I’m sure bebe would love a good massage too, once she can get over her shyness 😛 I wanted to give her a foot massage when she was so tired after walking the Big Buddha, but she didn’t like that idea very much, haha.. or maybe it was even worse ‘cuz we were “in public” and bebe isn’t big on the whole public affection thing, lol. Giving a massage and groping are two different things, I was only planning to give her a massage, haha.. Oh well, soon I pray.. soon! Yeesh, sick tummy during periods happen a lot…. H used to just lie in bed while I “catered” her for the day, haha.. either that, or she just wanted an excuse for me to spoil her and use her period to make me feel willing 😛 Whenever she was on her period and I had to get a pad from the closest into the bathroom, it was rotten.. good thing she has two doors for the toilet, it was a very interesting design… perhaps bebe and I should have a house that has a split-washroom design 😀

          Hah, you make packing tampons so hard or something.. they have minimal weight and barely take up room. Which ones are you using now or planning to pack? Did you finish the ones I gave you already?

          LOL, bebe and I are like PIGLETS? Of all the descriptions you could give us… haha, think harder next time for a better choice of word XD Bebe has been just in a terrible mood lately, I’m glad to see she’s happy now that night she left for Mississauga! I think that’s why she’s been so negative about us and with all the outbursts is because something has been bothering her… not so much because we’re not making progress!

          Today was mom’s first day off of the heart-pills since she got the thyroid pills now. She’s looking real good, active and well. The heart pills were only to stave off the increased pulse caused by the hyperactivity, so now that they have that under control, her heart is back to normal even without the beta blockers. I’m happy they got to the ROOT of the problem and not only dealing with the symptoms. Apparently she needs to take them for a whole year and they’re pricey.. like ~$40 a month, but whatever makes her feel good.. cost is no biggie, although more expensive than I had anticipated.

          I’m feeling pretty good myself that mom is now normal again and bebe is happy-happy. The only thing that makes me wonder now and I don’t really know how to approach bebe about it without making her feel like I’m criticizing her or picking on her is she’s up fairly late for the past while on MSN… and I wonder if she’s trying to keep in touch with her family/friends. It’s not THAT which bugs me, it’s I wonder if there’s something wrong or whatever that she feels like she has to stay up so late to talk to them. I really want to ask bebe if there’s something I can help with, because I really want to support her… but every time I want to help her, she ends up taking offense to it or whatever, even when all I want for her is to know I want to truly help out. The only time she really lets me help out for anything, is driving her around… but she won’t let me in onto any of her personal problems.. that’s so weird. I want to resist the urge to snoop, because I want HER to be comfortable enough to tell me things, not find out on my own.

          I don’t want to say to her, “Oh you’re staying up too late online.. what’s wrong?” because then she’ll just end up being like… well if you don’t want to see me online, then I’ll block you or whatever. I’m not bothered by her staying up, it’s her life, her sleep-time and her choice… I’m not trying to incite an argument with her about being up… I mean, I used to do that too so what right do I have to say? I did the same thing for a year, sat around at home, do things with my friends and just lazied out until my dad got so fed up he forced me to get ANY job before he started making me pay to live at home, LOL… so I know what it feels like want that year of freedom and doing nothing 😛 At the same time, I worry that if she’s up that late, there’s something she feels she has to talk to only her family/friend in Malaysia about.. and I want to be the person she can come to here and trust me with her feelings/thoughts. I know girls often have their own secrets they rather share with “the girls” – but with everything that has happened as of late, I really want to be able to comfort her and tell her I’m here for her… YET, I don’t want it to appear like I want to control her life. If she chooses not to get a job and go to school, I’ll take care of her for the rest of her life… or rest of my life, assuming I die first, haha.

          Either way, I’m looking at her group of Mississauga friends and I definitely like them more, lol… bebe seems to enjoy time with them and for some odd reasons, her positively of ME is much better when she’s around that group of friends. I don’t want to be pointing fingers and make it sound like her other friends aren’t “as good” or causing problems or whatever… since I don’t know them and can’t make that judgment, but from what I see…. every time she goes out there to spend time, OUR relationship improves… there’s a connection, as weird as it may be.. I guess they just lift her spirits more and make her be herself 🙂 Either way, I’m happy that she’s happy and that’s all that matters, haha.

          What do you think Am’s?

  4. Kakaka… of coz u wuld b super happy if she gt her period xDD Do u keep track for her? Haha, ne girl wuld want u to spoil her, so I bet ur ex luv tht special treatment u get her! U r brave to get her pads for her from the closet, walk to the washroom and stick ur hand through the door, keke… must smell bad if her tummy hurts 😆 U r were such a good bf to her… 2bad she wasted u like tht. I guess mainly it wuz cuz ur parents hated her rite? Juz give bebe light touches lor.. dun b so shy! So wt’s most she does? Yell at u, slap u? U get yelled at n’ u got hit so much when u were young newayz, u can take it, LOL!

    I just bought sm O.B. regulars from PnS… but I’m still using the Tampax ones u gv me last time. The box is running out tho, dun forget to bring more bk next time xDD I just prefer carrying the O.B. ones when I go on trip coz so easy to bury in my luggage. I like using an applicator sometimes when it is dry down there towards the end of my period so I can get the tampon in, otherwise when it is wet enuf, tampon goes in w/o applicator fine.

    U kno, all u can reali do is offer to help her… if u dun wanna offend her, u can’t say much else “safely”.. u will hv to determine it, dunno how to advise… haha. U r so much better at GIVING advice than I am 😛 Trust ur heart coz it will alwayz tell u the rite thing to say. No matter if bebe misunderstands u or smthg, at least u will kno u offered to try n’ stuff. U definitely shld b the 1 she goes to for her trouble… if she doesn’t, then kinda weird u kno? Didn’t u say she claimed she trust u? U said smthg like tht when u two were talking in HK, she said it’s not a “trust issue”… so then wt eh? If she doesn’t tell u, u can alwayz snoop if u can bring ur heart to do smthg like tht, hehe… but the questions is, CAN u bring urself to do that? 😀

    Then dun ask her to get a job or school, juz tk care of her, kakak. U two can juz hv lots of kids n’ she can juz stay at home n’ take care of them.. LOL! Mebe she sounds all career-oriented now, but being a mommy is juz as fulfilling, nt alwayz hv to go “out” n’ work! LOL, all she lets u do is drive her arnd? Guess she likes to talk in the car with u ^__^ cute.. keke. Mebe she wants an opportunity to rest her hands on top of urs or to slide up nxt to u in the car but too shy, haha. Or coz ur concentrating on driving she likes to catch glances at u but nt let u c tht she’s noticing u… 😆 Girls do thgs tht they dun consciously think abt or there’s cute thoughts running thru her head when she steals looks while u drive 😀 U need to tell her if she expects u to chauffeur her arnd, then u shld at least get sm privileges in her sharing sm other stuff w/ u…

    Keep her away frm the frds tht affect her then, hehe… u alwayz hv wayz of dealing with ppl xDD

    • I may be tracking her period… HAHA…. not going to say positively yes or positively no, I just have my ways 😆 Sometimes the things we do to each other… we’re so covert about it, heh, it’s like playing a spy-game with her XD She likes to hide things from me and I like to find ways to find out, haha. I sometimes do feel that guilt deep within, but I wouldn’t need to be so secretive either if she wasn’t. There’s only one conversation that I probably wouldn’t have with her right now, but everything in my life, I’d let her know about it without hesitation. Her on the other hand… she spends so much effort into hiding things from me that if she were to be open with me about it, it’d save us BOTH so much work, hehe. Right now it’s kind of a lose-lose situation… I have to headache over it and she has to keep things under-wraps. It’d be much more win-win if she’d let me know more about her life which would allow her to feel more “free” and at-ease with me and I’d be happy as well… you can see which option seems to be more logical 😛 If only she replied to me on things as fast as she did with her friends, lol. You should see how attentive she is when she talks to her friends on her phone by messages, but I sent her a bunch of messages on Whatsapp and MSN and she hasn’t replied 😦 And I know she’s around, whether she actually pops herself up or not 😆

      If she even replied to me HALF as fast as her she does with her friends, I’d be happy, LOL. I’m sure she dislikes that I have to do so much to find things out about her, as much I dislike doing it to begin with… I wonder if she’s one of those girls that follow by the “dating reply standards”.. I read that a lot of you women have this weird thing where you purposely delay replying to messages and stuff so it doesn’t make you look desperate and more 矜貴, lol. I have no idea why she likes to put my messages aside and reply much later 😦 Sosadlor. And it’s funny, when she replies, it is always like before she’s about to “head out” so then she replies just before she’s about to step out so she can tell me she has to go.. Is it just me or do I read too much into actions? hah… hai la… if only she treated me like the rest of her friends, I’d be so thrilled to be just “on par” with them. I hate having to be jealous over her friends, because it should not be like that… in fact, I quite like her friends, but they get so much more attention than I do..

      Well if it’s getting too dry near the end, just don’t use tampons and use pads or whatever. I can’t remember which one of my girls it was, lol, but one of them told me that sometimes she’ll apply Vaseline on the edges or tip of the tampon if she’s having a problem gliding it in. You could try that if that’s the case, although pulling out a dry tampon is not-so-fun. Which ones of the Tampax line did you like? I’ll remember to bring some back next time.

      Well she says it is not a trust issue… but bleh, if she trusted me more, wouldn’t it be safe to say she’d trust telling me things as well? I don’t know where she falls on the trust line. Obviously she does things behind my back just as much as I may do things 😛 I think NEITHER is healthy thing to be doing for EITHER of us, so when she’s willing to wave up her arms and say, “I don’t want to hide things from you anymore” then I’ll be happy to let down all my guard and give up all the things I have to do. It upsets me on BOTH grounds I have to do it, that 1) hurts me morally, and 2) hurts my heart. I hope it is soon that we can just be true to each other and not have to spend so much time counteracting what the other person does, lol. Can I bring my heart to do something like that? Depends on the situation.. does the thing matter so much I have to find out, just simply want to find out or that it’s not all that important.

      So right now, I already have a feeling I know what’s been happening with her lately, so I have a good idea. Whether I’m right or not, we’ll never know… (unless she tells me willingly), but I think I have my eyes on the right dot. I just wish that when she’s in a bad mood, that she just comes running to my arms and sniffle and tell me everything that’s wrong, rather than me having to find out about it… and it’s not through her mouth, but of someone/something else – it sucks. God bless the day that we don’t separate ourselves with this wall and embrace each other together. I don’t have a problem with having an independent relationship, that seems to be quite common now with people wanting their own freedom, but it does weird me out she sees PRIVACY as such a big concern to her… and that feeling of privacy revolves around the “discomfort” (yes, quotes) with me.

      I never forced her to get a job or go to school.. I only encouraged her to do that because I don’t want her to feel like she’s accomplishing nothing – THAT will only make her feel like she wants to go home even more. The school and job thing was to help her “start a life here” or at least have something that keeps her focus in the right place. The more time I let her fester thinking about home, the more risky my situation becomes. Hah, I’m not too sure she would really want to steal glances at me. Just the other day we were talking about how I wouldn’t have ever been a boyfriend of any of her friends because I wasn’t their “type”.. she wouldn’t elaborate on it, but you know what girls mean when they say that, you don’t “look good enough” in their eyes when they pull in the whole ‘type’ bullshit, lol.

      The whole driving her around thing.. never really been an issue for me, I’m happy to do so. Before she left that night to stay at her friend’s, had it not been too late, I would’ve driven her out. I was hitting 10PM though and I had to drive my mom the next day so didn’t offer. We got into a long discussion and it came down to why I didn’t offer to drive her back, lol. She never really told me which day she planned on coming back so I didn’t tell her that I’d bring her back. I think she was trying to “hint” to me to drive her back, but of course I wouldn’t offer unless I knew which day, otherwise I may offer myself on a “busy” day and that’s poor time management, lol. So then she goes on to say how she’s spoiled by what she sees from her friends boyfriends and how those guys always drive them around. It was pretty blunt, she wasn’t coy about it, lol. Weird… because the last I recalled, she didn’t consider me her boyfriend, so then why I am being compared to HER FRIEND’S BOYFRIEND right? haha. I didn’t even want to go there, that’d explode in an argument, so I passed on that. Better to compare apple to apple.. I’m not an apple yet to her, I’m an orange, so don’t place apple expectations on me XD

      Then it ended up into more funny conversations and such, you know, she expected me to offer (which I only ‘didn’t’ offer because she never told me what day she plans on coming back, it was all very tentative with no “solid” plan so to speak), and whether she’d take up the offer or not was another story, LOL (not that she’d refuse a drive back..haha). Then she actually said something like.. but that I promise her I’d do this and that for her and now I’m not offering, I almost fell off my chair, LOL. That’s something I never expected to hear from her mouth.. lol. She’s usually the independent type and it was just shocking to see her be so.. explicit. And she knows I dislike driving in TO because of getting hit by the bus and then she does the usual (YOU GIRLS LOVE IT) guilt-trip trick pretty much saying that she knows I don’t like it, the “nevermind” and then the puppy-dog look XD I didn’t feel guilty though, because I would’ve driven her ANYWAYS, hehe, but it was just an amusing conversation… not the first time I seen girls do that, but still, it’s shocking from bebe 😛

      And in a way, I think she does want to help celebrate my birthday and that’s why she wants me to pick her up, because she actually KNEW it so far ahead. I had thought about removing it from FB to see if she really knew it, but it was a week ahead that she knew that already, so either she checks the “upcoming birthday” section on FB or whether my birthday is really important to her that she remembers. Can I just pretend she knows me well enough so I can make myself feel better? LOL. I wonder if my birthday gets marked on her period calendar.. bahahah. So I mean, it’s two for the price of one… she doesn’t have to bus back lugging crap with her and she gets to accompany me for a birthday-date. Unfortunately though her friends are still more important than me as my birthday is on Friday but I won’t see her until Sunday 😦 BLEH. At least bebe put in effort to see me… so guess I can’t complain TOO much. I hope I don’t end up being like a dummy guy who lets a girl take advantage of him, lol.. I’d feel like such an idiot. You see it all the time, a guy/girl who invests everything that he/she has into the other person only to find out they’re being used, LOL… don’t want to think like though, perhaps I should think that bebe simply wants to accomplish two things in one day instead! Why think so negatively right? At least even if right NOW I am being an idiot, if in the end I am appreciate and loved by her, then at least there’s a fulfillment of having been that stupid guy 😛

      But yes, when it comes down to it, I see her more to drive her back and forth than on normal non-pickup/non-dropoff related dates. I think it’s quite efficient too if we do both, but really, she’s just been constantly away from her home the past 2 weeks, so it’s kind of getting to the point where her friends are constantly pulling her attention away from me. I’m not sure if there’s a feeling of jealousy or annoyance in there. I just want bebe to call on me more, for regular things, not just only when she decides she needs a drive and will see me just because then she wouldn’t feel like she’s only asking me to do stuff. But then, the question becomes – which is more important, seeing me or doing something for her? If seeing me is more important, than I certainly have no gripes about helping her out! It was just weird for me to accept that she compares my actions/willingness to do things for her to other people’s boyfriends and has boyfriend-roles/expectations when she has yet to claim that I am her boyfriend. So I give her the girlfriend treatment because in my heart, she is… but still, on her end… not accepted-boyfriend status, but wants boyfriend privileges.. LOL.

      Oh well, now I’m just going on and on and analyzing things too deeply. Guess I’ll find out whether she’s wearing my necklace, haha… and unless her surprize for me is introducing/letting me meet her friends 😀 That’d be cool.. haha. Ya, I have ways of scaring people off if I have to, but those are her friends and I don’t feel like it’s proper for me to interfere with that, even if they truly are having an impact on how bebe feels about it. My “dealing with people” usually isn’t very nice and not something I’d be willing to do… usually the only time I end up in an adversarial situation is… well nevermind, I don’t want to even get into those details, haha.

  5. Sigh… she seemed so ready to tell me… then diverted it into it being my birthday, so then she tried to trial off the topic… it’s obviously not something all that great if she’s not willing to tell me what keeps bugging her. And I can’t even guess it because obviously this is happening for her even out in ‘sauga.. and if it has to do with me, then I’m going to be really upset. If it has to do with her wanting to leave, that’s even worse… if it has to do with some guy who likes her, then I’m going to find him and rearrange his body parts. I had a hunch about it so according to what I’ve seen tonight, that was wrong… now I have a new hunch and again, won’t be able to verify unless she willingly tells me. There’s something really weird about the situation… I totally want to start reading everything her friends talk about and start tracking every 😐 Why me… bleh… the thing is, if it has nothing to do with me, then what am I worrying over?

    On the other hand… well, I really don’t think it matters even if it is about me, because either way it sucks… now do I even want to find out is the question. I hope it’s not something about her, because it all of a sudden “acted up” and she suddenly became lazy/tired… urg… damn my life, two women in my life make me stressed out, my mom and bebe -_-”

    YAY for a great birthday start…

    • Like u alwayz say… dun worry abt things u can’t control. U can try helping her, but tht’s abt it. Frm the sounds of wt u tell me, sounds like her health, is tht wt u think too? U mention tht all of a sudden she got tired n’ lazy… n’ then u keep on saying she’s staying up late… mebe she is nt feeling well n’ has sleeping issues? Ppl with insomnia tend to be moody n’ emotional fluctuations often… tht wuld explain all the problems tht arise btwn u two! N’ if she won’t tell u, obviously it is nt smthg she wants u to worry abt leh. Mebe she knows tht with ur mom being unwell, she doesn’t want to give u even more pressure. I know tht u want to find out too, so I hope she will tell u soon. I thought even she might tell u given tht she wuld ‘favour’ u for ur birthday n’ let u know… then again, if it is a burden to u, then she may avoid it.

      I’m starting to turn analytical like u r, lol!

      Well, u told me u thought it might hv to do w/ smthg u said to her… but if tht was the case, how culd she nt hv been in the mood to talk to u when she wuz at WL? She barely talked to u n’ u barely said nethg to her, so tht shuld nt b… U can’t reali mk sm1 angry by saying smthg when that person isn’t even arnd enuf for u to say nethg 😛 If it is her ‘discomfort’ w/ u tht is bugging her… then tht is nthg new, she keeps on saying tht newayz, kekeke. It is interesting tht u point out tht this seems to be happening evrywhere now, even when she’s with her closer frds… nt juz w/ tht 1 frd, unless it has extended its power all the way with her.

      I think u r onto smthg when u think tht she may nt be feeling physically well… u shld reali inquire more coz I can tell it is tearing u apart nt knowing! 😦 I hope UR sickness doesn’t cm bk now as a result of this… we don’t need 3 ppl like tht! Y doesn’t she juz tell u whether it relates to u or nt? I think that’s wt ur concerned w/… if it is nt abt u, then u r thinking all this junk for nthg, lol. At least if she said tht, ur heart wuld be at ease.

      But then now u said smthg abt how she said when she wuz in a bad mood, had nthg to do with her outburst… so… I mean, doesn’t seem like it has to do directly w/ u or wuz she only referring to tht one moment? Oh hai… juz get to the bottom of it, start tapping her phones, reading all her emails/fb/im… coz ur nt going to give up until u find out, lol… I kno u well enuf to kno tht u will either get wt u want easily or do it the hard way xDD

      • Yes, I was thinking about this last night and that’s why I said above whether it has to do ‘with her’… as in maybe she’s sick or something? I don’t know…

        Today, I’m not really all that happy to be thinking about this – it is bad enough that I can’t even see bebe on my important day. You know, I actually thought perhaps I can bite myself enough to believe that, “Oh, it is ok if she’s out with her friends on my birthday.” but when it comes down to it, it is not as easy to accept. I wonder what can be so important with her friends that she can miss today with me. I know she’s ‘planned’ to see me on Sunday, but Sunday, is not today… and it is not like she is “away” from here because she is working or attending a very impossible-to-miss event… those things, I can totally understand. Her friends, she can see all-year-round, every day, every weekend and can even stay at their place and face them 24/7. I get to see her “sparsely” and then she even decides there are other things more important.

        She’s sitting online right now and I really could’ve driven myself out there, had dinner with her and she’d still have time to do things with her friends later on tonight if they wanted to… alas, such is not the case.

        I thought I would never have to dig into my tools again, I hate using them because it violates every moral fiber in my body against having to snoop. I thought I could zip those programs and utilities in my backup and never touch them again, but she is slowly leaving me with little choice. Maybe I’m just huffing today because it is my birthday and we’re not going to be able to spend time together until Sunday…

        In regards to your other comment under my other entry, perhaps your logic for me to settle-down about this is right. Maybe she really DOES have something special planned for me and if I jump too far ahead of my thoughts, then I may very well ruin her mood to really make it up to me on Sunday. Let’s see what happens Sunday then… perhaps my mood will be better then, because I really don’t want to EVER have to feel like I can’t directly ask her something and have to constantly find out from other sources. Hopefully Sunday will be magical enough where I can just pretend that today’s unhappiness was just a glimpse of misfortune on my part.

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