Defeated by PMS

So I’ve always prided myself on being one of those guys that can handle a PMS-situation. With all my ex’s, whenever they were in a bad mood or whatnot, I’d always be able to make the situation feel right or at least “correct” those mood-swings positively. Yesterday was proof that apparently as much as I’ve been able to do wonders with my ex’s, it is not the case for bebe, LOL. Last night was our date night and we had spent a lot of time doing what most people would see as great “couples” activities. First, we went and ran some errands together for her brothers, then we picked up 2 of her friends at home and from a mall. Then we proceeded to go get some bubble tea and we spent a few hours at the place playing cards with those friends.

I was rather happy yesterday, because she’s letting me meet her friends more and more. Out of her group of closest friends, I’ve met 4 of the 5 already – so that makes me very happy because it was always hard for her to introduce me to them. Although I have yet to be introduced as her boyfriend, it’s nice enough just to meet them so they know of my presence in her life. We played cards for quite a while, got a new snack to go along with it and it was nice to see bebe talk to her friends and just “be her.” She asked if I wanted to go, but I saw she seemed to be enjoying playing cards and being with her friends, so I said I didn’t need to go. When bebe went to the washroom, her friends were all “teasing” me and they were like, “Oh, do you want to leave? We will help you…” and when bebe came back, they were telling us it’s ok to go, that we should go shop or whatever, but by then, the movie we had planned on attending was < 1 hour away, meaning we really had no time to effectively do anything. Driving to one of the other major malls (because the one closest to us was closing in 20 minutes) would take a good 15 minutes, which means we’d spend 30 minutes two-way just traveling, so it didn’t seem time-efficient.

I guess our “problem” occurred when both bebe and I were trying to be nice to each other, LOL. I was trying to be nice and not be like I’m pulling bebe away from her friends just because we’re ‘together’ and she was being nice to me by thinking I didn’t want to be the one saying I wanted to leave and be rude, so she kept on asking me if I wanted to go. Truth be told, I actually enjoyed playing cards with her friends, so I really wasn’t just “outwardly being nice” – my intents were genuine that I liked sitting there to do things with her friends. So here is where the clash came in as to her actually wanting to leave because she was getting bored, but I was also trying to be nice/enjoying her friend’s company that I didn’t want to drag her away. I suppose we need to ‘learn’ each others hinting more, haha… because I had thought she thought I was bored and wanted to leave, meanwhile, she was the one who wanted to leave and I didn’t clue into it… tsk tsk!

So we left for the movies and I could tell she wasn’t all too happy. Understandably, she’s been bored for a while just sitting there and playing cards with her friends and I was also fairly quiet in not wanting to try to force conversations in, but still, that shouldn’t warrant me be like I did something terribly wrong though. During the movie, I kept to my side to give her that personal space, because as we all know (lol), how much she likes her “personal space.” – I didn’t bother trying anything with her today because she just didn’t seem like she was in-the-mood. Prior to me picking up her friends, she seemed very cheery with me and stuff, so I guess it was something “inappropriate” I said while we were playing cards that didn’t make her very happy. Again, she never can tell me what the problem is, it’s sometimes frustrating because she doesn’t even seem to understand herself. It seems like there’s these “magical problems” that happen that she can’t define, making a solution to it hard as well.

She was hungry (during) and after the movie, so we proceeded to have dinner. We had some decent conversations at the table, but I could tell she still wasn’t very engaged with me today. I tried to make her day better, cheer her up, but it was clearly not working out. It seemed like no matter what I did or said, it was ‘wrong’ – even despite my best efforts to make the night better. I guess sometimes when it comes to that, she’s not very cooperative… whenever I ask her if I can do anything to make the night better, I never get a response I can act on.. it’s always a closed-end response where I can’t really do anything about it. Suffice to say, that’s just her and I guess if it was my choice to like her, I have to live with it. I sometimes wish she could express herself in a way that it allows me to learn what I can do for her, because it doesn’t give me an opportunity to gauge her feelings & interact with them, so whenever I don’t understand her, I’m not sure if she has a right to actually say I “don’t understand her” since she CLOSES those opportunities for when I do try to understand her.

So as our main-course ended, I decided to shuffle over to the bench-side with her since we sat across from each other. I really really disliked the fact she sat so far from me. I mean sure, the “feel” and the “mood” definitely wasn’t here for the night and was definitely disheartening and saddening, but it has been so long where she’s actually sat that far away from me it was bordering the line of worry, anger and stress. Sure, the night didn’t “go the way we wanted to” – but to sit almost a PERSON of space apart was just too much for me to handle. Every time I moved closer, she’d shuffle a bit farther and I just got so annoyed I pulled her close to me. I even had to make a verbal statement about it and really, I shouldn’t need to do that. When I hold her against me, it feels so natural… but she has yet to act on her natural bodily response either. Sometimes I ask myself, is it better to hold on to her and let her get used to my touch on her or is it better to not hold her once I feel the discomfort so that way she doesn’t feel trapped. It’s such a hard question as to which is “right” since BOTH have its merits.

At some point within our conversation, I jokingly touched on whether I didn’t seem to be able to make her happy tonight was because she was moody and “had PMS” and of course most women would respond, “NO, don’t blame PMS.” – but even tonight, she had thought that was it actually PMS as well, because there’s just “so many little things” that bugged her she couldn’t quite put her finger on it… and it seemed like she fluctuated from being unhappy and happy throughout the day randomly. The night wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all ingenuity either because her smiles to me were all still very sweet. Maybe because I thought I could “handle PMS well” but apparently it’s a whole different monster when it comes to bebe, because I just couldn’t cheer her up. It got to around 10PM and I asked her if she wanted to go back, but she actually didn’t yet, despite the foul mood. I decided to take her on a joy-ride then, just to look at houses, be in the car and listen to music. I can’t even believe I did that given the crazy gas prices right now, but furthering the point that I’d do almost anything for her. We drove around for about 40 minutes before I decided I needed a place to just park and rest. It was nearing 11PM and I was getting drained and because I was just so stressed out over the day that it was more emotional exhaustion more than physical one.

As we sat there, we just had some small talk. All of a sudden, she goes quiet probably to think about what she’s going to say, then says asked me if I “wanted to know what she thinks about this relationship”… I literally FROZE when she says that. I said let me think about whether I wanted to know and I could already feel my pulse/heart rate pumping – not only that, but I was feeling short-of-breath. I had to step outside because it was cool and I could regain my composure, thoughts and just my sanity. I got back into the car and told her I’d listen… there was no doubt that my mind raced, heart pounded and couldn’t breath throughout the entire conversation. It wasn’t anything bad, suffice to say, wouldn’t say it was anything good either. I mean it’s great we can sit and talk about the relationship, but wish we could sit and talk about the GOOD things in our relationships, not just her “discomforts”  – but I did get to explain myself and my own feelings – things I don’t share with anyone, not even on this blog. The reason why I had such a big reaction was because of the night’s incident (with the PMS and all… lol) along with the way she “asked” if I wanted to know (since you don’t ‘ask’ when you tell people good things, you just blurt it out) made me feel as if it was another one of those “dead end” conversations. I was so tired from the night that when we finished chatting, I just wanted to hold her hand and take a short nap. She didn’t let me hold her hands, SIGH… so I held on to the back of her hand while I tried to take a snooze, not that I could because of all the worry. At least we did come to the “agreement” that we think it was mostly PMS which brought about the day’s negativity, because ever since she returned from Malaysia to Canada, things have been doing really well for us and our “direction” in the relationship is definitely there. I hope one day SOON when bebe and I had a solid relationship foundation, I can tell her the truth about how I kept tabs on her 😛 As much as she tried to emphasize my loyalty and niceness to her, we both know that’s not enough to lay the groundwork for a good relationship, so it was still a bit dejecting to know she still can’t quite “feel” it with me.

Let’s just say for the sake of an “example” I had a choice between forcing her to be with me, even though she doesn’t truly want to – or if I just let her go. Of course there are those who say the whole, “If you love her enough, you will let her go.” – well let me tell you this, that’s retarded. I suppose we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but it’s “easier said, than done” to let someone go who you truly love, it’s just downright stupid when I hear that sometimes. Call me greedy, but I think I’d still go for option 1. Why? Because a lot of couples who decided to get into a relationship even though one side was not fully happy. This usually occurs when “oopsies” happens with unexpected pregnancies or when people are forced into a marriage circumstance (arranged marriages) or even mail-order brides, people who never once thought about being together, ended up being together, but lived happily-ever-after. Likewise, even if I were to be so greedy as to force bebe to stay with me, she may very well end up being more happy than she ever expected. Sounds like a fairytale, but if there’s anyone who can do it, I believe in myself that I’m capable of that 😛 Of course the BEST alternative would she actually willingly be with me and feel that spark, haha. The way I feel about her is so deep and I’d actually be willing to (Chinese Astrology) 轉運 and give up 5 years of my life just to be with bebe. After all, would I want to live my life unhappily without bebe, or would I rather live 5 years less and be happy with her? I think the decision is pretty obvious for me… that’s how much I love her.

We spent a lot of time expressing our own thoughts about how we view the relationship and I mean deep down, I’m not ignorant to believe that this will relationship will for sure work out, but there’s no doubt I’d want it to work out… and that I’m willing to devote what it takes to win her over. Even though “time” is not exactly on my side, I’ve told myself that I refuse to give up on her and even though I’d normally try to push the relationship forward or whatever, I’m going to just give her that time she needs and that I’m not going to “set a deadline.” As she mentioned her talking to her friends about how she should definitely try to bring those feelings to surface about me, obviously if she’s tried and still doesn’t work out then it’s just not happening. Of course we’ve only been “trying hard” for the past 2 months, so that still gives us lots of ‘testing’ and ‘getting to know each other’ time… I’m not sure if she set a particular date/length of time where she thinks that’s enough time and it is/is not working out (and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to know), because then it doesn’t give us constraints to time – otherwise we’d constantly be rushing rather than being realistic – I suppose we’ll just let time take its course while we do our best to make this relationship work. The GOOD thing is that if our relationship works out, seriously NOTHING will separate us, because we’ve gone through so much that we’d both be impervious, given all the obstacles we’ve had to go through to get to a great place.

I’m not sure how I felt last night. Even when I dropped her off, I’m not sure what I should’ve done. We usually hug each other before we go for the night, but I didn’t even bother positioning myself or asking for one, just didn’t feel right and I’m not sure whether I did it for me or did it for her. I mean quite notably, I wasn’t exactly happy or anything and she wasn’t very happy either – so maybe that’s why. I was kind of upset with how things turned out so I just didn’t feel very huggable. At the same time, I’m also not sure if SHE wanted to be hugged given all the things we talked about. I felt so empty when I went home, like the night wasn’t complete. I got to hold her a lot tonight, but it didn’t feel the same. I mean, I now know I’ve been defeated by PMS – it has never been that bad on me before, I’ve always been able to control PMS on my girls pretty well and have always done the right thing that could help them smile and be happy. I guess I just shouldn’t hold the night against bebe, I mean if PMS is really the culprit, then we’ll be ok once her period starts!

I got home at around 1:30AM after dropping her off and this has been the first time I’ve been so tired that on my drive home, my eyes were READY to close. I got home safely and just plopped on my bed and went to sleep. However, the repercussions to the night were rough. This morning when I woke up, I went to the washroom to puke. There was really ‘nothing’ to puke out since last night’s food had already been entirely digested, the feelings were all the “sick to my stomach” feelings over the previous night. I don’t even know what I’d do without bebe in my life. I don’t want to go back to “searching for another half” because I’ve FOUND her… I just need to be able to keep her. She’s still young and that’s why she’s not “rushing”…. had she been say, 28 or something, then she might be a bit more rushing in this relationship, because that biological clock is ticking against her. We talked last night about how anyone can survive without another person, but the reality is I love bebe so much that I don’t know how I’d be able to go on life without her… Today has not started a good day, I feel exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep, I don’t feel like eating (and even when I do, I feel like barfing) and I can’t breath/concentrate. I just hope I get over this feeling soon, bebe gets over her PMS and both of us be POSITIVE again.

One thing I remind bebe is that all it takes is one incident for her to feel that spark. When, where and how… neither of us knows, but we shouldn’t just give up on it, but simply wait for that spark to happen – because it will. I pray… I pray…

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on April 17, 2011, in Periodtastic, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. U gt defeated by bebe, nt by PMS… kakkaa… I’m sure u did evrythg u culd do to mk her happy, juz tht she doesn’t quite believe in her own heart tht u can be ‘the one’… and keep on making it hard on u.. aww… but at least she’s giving BOTH of u a chance which is important. The problem isn’t with u nt being good enuf for her, it’s juz she needs to set the rite expectations in wt she wants from a guy. I think we all hv expectations, some more realistic n’ sm aren’t… also sm tht should nt be “good” expectations of a relationship. Of coz I dunno bebe like u do, so I’m sure u kno what expectations she has, which ones are “valid” and which ones are “outrageous” to expect. It’s kind of like ur expectations of her… even if she doesn’t quite meet them for certain things, u will ‘bend the rule’ juz for her… juz like she shuld also bend the rules for u juz coz u don’t meet evry little small thing she wants frum a guy!

    It sucks when u get sick thinking abt bebe 😦 It’s so bd for ur health to worry abt her so much… if she reali cared abt u, mebe she wuldn’t mk u endure all this for her. It’s rite to expect a guy to luv a girl n’ tk care of her, but to torture u is juz bleh. I kno she’s genuine n’ nt “purposely” doing it n’ like u said, she’s trying vry hard to accept u, so I kno it’s painful n’ hard for u both… one who wants to be accepted n’ one who WANTS to accept… both of u put so much effort out tht I think it even makes the Gods cry. Both of u r so committed to this relationship it almost seems like u two r meant to be MARRIED, let alone juz bf/gf. Howevr, vry gd thing tht u two go through so much w/ each other, coz then u kno for sure this relationship is meant to be 🙂 – there’s a gd reason y u two r a perfect match made for each other!

    Tk care of ur health, try to feel better n’ dun worry abt bebe… she’ll get over it in a few days n’ when she starts putting evrythg into perspective. Like u said, she rationalize the reason y she’s trying so hard IS the fact u R a very great guy to b with… no normal-thinking girl wuld EVER think abt giving u up… so as long as bebe’s still willing to hold on, u alwayz kno tht ur vry important to her! It mk me smile how u two r “fighting ur own battles” with urself but at the same time, these battles u fight on ur own r bringing u two together.. OOHHH SO CUTE 😆

    • I’d say I got defeated more by bebe’s wall more than bebe. Bebe’s trying really hard to accept me and stuff, but a part of that invisible wall of hers can be frustrating at times. She’s been at her friend’s place for like 3 weeks now and I think it’s bordering annoying now mostly because when the first week or so when she’s at her friend’s, her mood is really good and she’s very engaged with me. The longer she stays at her friend’s place, the more it seems to go backward – maybe that’s the point of “too much of a good thing is a bad thing.” We’ve made so much progress but I think now she’s spending way to much time with her friends that she’s not “appreciating” my company anymore.

      When she’s in town, she’s bored and likes to get out with me. I know this because when I ask if she wants to do something at home, she’ll tell me she’s so bored of being home and wants to get out a bit. When she’s bored, then I become a great output for her and to take her out. However, when she’s at her friends, she’s so absorbed with being with them, that there’s not as much appreciation when I visit her or take her out because she’s already “getting that from her friends.” It’s kind of like give a rich man $5 and he will not think anything of it, but give a poor man $5 and he could be happy for days. I want to be more than just the guy she wants to see out of obligation/boredom, I want to be the guy who she wants to be because she WANTS to and CARES for me… and of course, misses me when she doesn’t see me 😛

      One of her friends, has a really nice guy for a boyfriend. I’m sure to a degree, she compares me up to him and what he does for her – even if she doesn’t fully expect me to “be like him” – I’m sure there’s a portion of her that sees how he treats her friend and expects me to do the same. Likewise, then if she sees these two friends as a close couple, showing affection and the way they care for each other, she should also be learning/replicating that too then and hopefully it is an influence on how “couples should be” with each other. I know this is the part where she’d give the usual, “Well I’m not comfortable with that yet” – I think I can almost predict and 背 that now, lol. I’m sure her girl-friend misses her boyfriend when they don’t see each other even for a bit, they’re close physically (but not overbearing) and stuff. Honestly, even though I haven’t met this guy, I seem to respect him very much because he seems like a really great guy… if I were gay, I might even be into him 😆

      So that’s the thing is all, that she wants me to be able to provide that same type of “boyfriend style” but then she’s also not like her friend treating her boyfriend either – so I think there needs to be some “fair grounds” as to what she expects, yet, she has to provide that same output too then if she wants that. Yes, this ALL comes down to that invisible wall and the other day when she told me she actually, “is comfortable with some other guy friends” made me want to find each one of them and get rid of them, so that way she doesn’t have them to COMPARE me to… because it’d be like me if I kept on comparing her to my ex’s. My ex’s all were close to me, they were physically affectionate, they never ignored me and kept in touch with me throughout the day, they didn’t only see me once a week, after just a month or so, they were all ready to hug, touch, kiss, touch me, they didn’t resist my attempts to make them happy, they’d tell me everything about their period I asked about, etc. and I think it’s absolutely unfair if I were to say, “Well my ex’s were very comfortable with me, why aren’t you then?” if she starts saying, “Well, there are guys I’m comfortable with..” because for her to say something like that is not only a comparison, but it hurts – it’s like DEVALUING the person I am.

      Yes, we discussed about how we may “bend the rules” for someone we like. We mentioned how I expected certain things from my partners, but I changed my expectations for her… and she normally doesn’t like younger guys but if the guy’s really good, she might be willing to change her expectations and stuff. I’m sure I don’t meet her every expectation and she’s trying hard to “cater” to the person I am and molding her expectations to that.. I mean I’m not blind to seeing how much effort she’s putting it, but certainly, maybe she’s just not as “indirect” sometimes with her wording… sometimes being too direct can cause a whole slur of misunderstandings. I mean, she’s even pointed out things like my sense of humour before -_- … she just wants to nitpick at the smallest things so it makes me feel like I’m “insufficient”… I love pointing out the BEST things about her, rather than constantly bringing up reasons of ‘why we shouldn’t be together’ … I like to tell her how much she means to me, how positively I view her, all the reasons why we ARE great together, how beautiful of a girl she is etc. – things that are meant to RAISE a persons self-confidence, comfort and importance.

      Ya, there’s times I thought it is pretty cute how we’re fighting our own battles but that these battles really involve both of us. I have to control my willpower to move forward too quickly and she has to fight the invisible roadblock that we don’t know why it’s up, LOL. I just know the more suspicious or untrusting I feel that she may be hiding things/hiding from me, that I go back to bad habits. The past few days she’s kind of been resisting telling me things, so it almost made me want to revert to it, but I constantly want to give her a chance, just like how she keeps on giving me a chance to be her boyfriend officially. I guess this is sometimes our own “mind fights” sometimes with ourselves, resisting the temptation to do something we shouldn’t be. I pour my heart out to her and sometimes I just get this weird FEELING that there’s so much she’s not telling me and hiding from me and it makes me want to find out, but also because I know morally I should not unless she pushes me into that corner. I just want openness and positive communication, I don’t want to be the guy who has to stick my nose in everything she does just because she won’t tell me.

  2. (GASP) U reply to all the other ppl’s msg but nt mine yet? =O

    Kekeke.. juz jk’ing, I’m sure coz it tks much longer for u to think/reply to mine, haha.

    Well, I got ur msg… but didn’t reply to u in time leh, had to leave home. N’ ya, u kno, juz give bebe a chance… I mean she did go offline after u reply to her w/o saying nethg, but also find out y first! I kno ur first reaction is to juz go bk to wt u did b4 I start following her tracks again, but find out if she had to do smthg first or whether she did it to ignore u… hv to find the truth first b4 u act 😛

    I kno it alwayz hurts to hv smthg liek that happen so “coincidental”… u reply, then she goes offline… but it’s alwayz fair to give evry1 the benefit of the doubt. Mebe her frds needed her, mebe she had to go out or get off the comp… juz bad timing on when u replied to her n’ then she went offline. I kno wt ur thinking abt, but dun worry quite yet n’ don’t go bk to ur bad habits unless u can confirm that she did it to avoid u. I actually dunno how u keep track of her either, lol… so I’m only assuming whether u still can/do now, n’ I think sometimes if u DO kno if she’s still online even when she goes off MSN, tht even mk u more agitated… c y smtimes best nt to kno thgs? Dun forget the age-old saying… “非禮勿視, 非禮勿聽, 非禮勿言, 非禮勿動” … if dunno tht saying, then it’s vry similar to the English of “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”

    Smtimes if bebe rly is ignoring u or avoiding u n u KNO abt it, then it’s worse than if she did it n’ u dunno abt it… smtimes not-knowing wuld actually mk u feel better. Also, dun u rmbr even u say bebe remind u to not think so negatively? Remind urself each time u think abt going back to wt u did b4… now u r being a gd person, by trusting her n’ not following thgs tht she does. So she hasn’t reali been talkin to u past 2 days, so find out y…. c if wt she tells u sound like the truth b4 u start using all ur programs (or wtevr u do) again… I understand u wuld b upset if she purposely went offline on u after u reply, so I’m nt saying who is rite or wrong, only telling u how u can verify the situation first.

    I’m sure there’s more than juz one reason y this suddenly has bugged u so much, so get to the bottom of it rather than hv it fester… no one likes a grumpy u 😛 If u hv to, I mean u can even express to bebe how it mks u feel… after all, u “did the rite thing” by nt snooping on her, but then she should also be respectful abt ensuring tht she keeps in touch w/ u when she’s away from town n’ especially if she hasn’t communicated much w/ u within the past few days! Alwayz look on the bright side first b4 u start worrying n’ bringing up old habits of urs to start nosing arnd 😀 SMILE!

    • LOL ya, I often have to think a lot harder for these replies than when I reply about period stuff 😆 and have to have the time/mood to reply to the content, haha.

      Last night, the ups and downs weren’t very fun. The drive home was quite quiet, I had to keep on PROMPTING her to talk and her replies to me were all very dry… like “mm hm” … or “ya”… no interactivity. I swear everything that happened that day I picked up her two friends, was the day that something changed. What the fuck did I do? She keeps on telling me she’s not angry or upset over that day (or at least over it now) but she constantly is still being cold with me. But things haven’t been totally the same since then and she won’t tell me why. We were GREAT together up to that moment her 2nd friend got into the car, I don’t even know what I did wrong. I didn’t “gaze” at them, I said ‘hi’ respectfully and I didn’t make lewd comments about them to bebe, I tried to be a “good boy” and a gentlemen.

      Even after we picked up her first friend, everything was ok but when we picked up her second friend, then that’s why bebe started becoming short with me. I mean, meeting each others friends is a totally good thing and even though I’m not “close enough” with those friends yet to have conversations with them is no reason to act the way she does to me right now. I mean I don’t expect her to have conversations with all my friends and family the first time she meets them, I just expect respect and acknowledgement that these are important people with me – just like I recognized that those close friends were important to her and made sure I was being appropriate.

      It was hard to come up with conversations all night where she’d follow through. Everything I said would end up in a very short conversation. She did tease me about how she’s the “guy” in the relationship, the indifferent, nothing-to-say, no opinion, no emotion, role… versus me who’s the one who tries to keep the excitement, talk, know about everything and think using emotions. Thinking back before ‘that day’ – she’d at least push forth with conversations, carry them on and we’d have things to talk about. I can understand that over time, couples run out of things to talk about and that’s the more reason she needs to get into school or find a job, it opens up a lot more conversation and she gains a lot from “life perspectives” – your conversations can branch off to more topics. You don’t have to talk about work or school, but going to work or school will allow alternate topics-of-choice or expand her “window of conversation” a lot more.

      The past 2 dates have been rough on me and I was so fucking fed up I wanted to get angry – but alas, I need to keep-the-peace and not be foolish. I know if I told her that I was tired of her quietness and her attitude with me, that would result in her usual, “See, I told you that it’s not working” – you know, the usual girl BS when they want to “prove a point” … because girls will do ANYTHING to prove they’re right. If bebe spent less time trying to prove we weren’t well together and invested into, “hey, these are the reasons we make a GREAT couple” – we’d already be head-over-heels with each other. And when we were in the car and restaurant, she wouldn’t stop fidgeting… well if she feels like there’s no conversation to be engaged in and it feels slow, then MAKE some conversation, just don’t sit there and play with your utensil and glass. Whenever I saw that I could feel the steam coming up from me, good thing I was shoving food down my mouth to blanket my thoughts.

      The good thing is there WAS an up part in the date, I’d say probably after the dinner we had more to talk about and even later at night after the movie. I couldn’t stand not touching her today, I missed it so much 😦 Being able to touch her makes all that anger, frustration and “bad feeling” go away… I feel so close to her and I know I can’t live without her, despite her attitude at me sometimes. You know when our parents always say, “If you put 1/2 the time you did to play games to do homework, you would achieve so much more!”… I kind of think that applies to us, haha… if we spent half the time being nice and talking to each other, than being cruel and silent, we’d accomplish so much more 😀

      I mean maybe she’s just one of those people who won’t show me that she cares about me… I mean, obviously she’s talked to her friends about me before and such and the consensus is that she DOES think I’m a good guy and wants to like me – so it’s not a case of “no feel” – it is a case of “not enough feel” at the moment and we have to get that out of her. Primarily, we have to find out what’s bothering her that causes discomfort.. I mean, discomfort usually arises through very specific things… like when you go on a date with a guy/girl that smells like shit or something, LOL.. or because they’re so dumb you feel like talking to a wall is more intelligent XD – yet she cannot pinpoint it or refuses to tell me why… instead of being able to ‘change’ and ‘help’ her. You can’t help someone who doesn’t tell you what the problem is 😛

      When I left, the hug was so nice… still she gives me that, “I’m so shy” look afterward and it truly IS cute. Sometimes though I run through this emotion of that shy look, whether I think it’s adorable or annoyed by it. Adorable, because well… she is, haha… and annoyed because I can’t tell she’s giving me that shy look because she doesn’t LIKE the hug and furthermore, why is she still so shy with me! Ok, to be honest, I kind of look back and start thinking… it has FELT like forever, but it turns we’ve only been regularly dating for 2 months, LOL.. about 62 days since she’s returned (unless you want to count the HK trip, but that wasn’t really “dating” per se). I had thought we’d been together for so long for those barriers to come down, but apparently we haven’t, haha…. I guess I can understand why there’s still 隔閡… although we have known each other for a long time, I guess she has a valid point in saying that we’ve only “been going out” within the past while that the ice still needs to be broken.

      I suppose this date wasn’t as disappointing as the last in terms of her attitude, although there was a lot more disturbing body language this time… I’m not sure why instead of doing something about it like starting a conversation or asking me something, that she’d rather just play around with shit and give me the cold-shoulder. DO something about it, don’t just “accept” things. I mean, I believe in fate too and that we were a gift to each other by the heavens, our relationship was simply meant to be, but I also don’t believe fate means, “you don’t have to do anything to make it work” – it means you were given a CHANCE to make it work by very divine beings/opportunities and should not squander it. It’s kind of like, “you won’t win the lottery if you never buy”… even if you want fate to work, you have to help yourself too! I know certainly we seem like the “older couple” more… haha.. very little to say, but care about each other a lot 🙂 I’m ok with silence as long as the body language stops showing her being uncomfortable. You can be “quiet and comfortable” or “quiet and uncomfortable”… I think learning about body language is bad now 😆 Like Poh Ching said, I guess I’m still dating a little girl and I ought to be the one who’s more mature and understanding that bebe just needs more time to work herself in! Guess can’t deny listening to one of her fellow Malaysian females for advice XD

      I complimented bebe about the beautiful hug we had, something about her needs to learn to accept compliments, haha. Her reply was “ummm okk…” and one of those replies usually feels very insincere and sarcastic. She doesn’t like dirty jokes, and I abhor when people can’t give me a reasonable reply to things. I don’t expect her to reciprocate the same excitement like, “Oh, I think you’re a great hugger too!!!” but a “thank you” or “I appreciate your thought” or “aw, that’s cute” or just some kind of POSITIVE feedback is a lot better than an “ummm” reply… I know she doesn’t share the same enthusiasm right now, but at least have polite replies. Either way, at the end of the night, I’m still debating what to do about going back to bad habits until her attitude goes back to normal… or wait until the PMS is gone, lol. With her period so late, maybe that’s why her hormones have gone whacko 😛 Guess I should be understanding of that!!

      • I’ve read frm a book b4 tht there’s a little trick u can alwayz try when u hv a negative viewpoint or stance abt smthg. Wt u do, is write down all the thgs tht happened, n’ rather than looking at it like u do now, try looking at it frm another way… mebe her way or a way u can justify the actions/thought differently… tht will totally give u a diff perspective to the same situation n’ perhaps, will give u understanding and solace. When u start thinking thgs in a different way, u’ll also find out that u may vry well find positivity in it…

        • Ya, it’s not that I don’t see & understand that, just sometimes I can’t follow-through with it, haha. I’m sure it’s just like bebe knows that I’m a good guy and that she SHOULD be with me but can’t feel that comfort yet… so I mean it’d be great for me not to have ANY doubts or feel negative about situations, but it just happens. I do try to view things from a different standpoint only because it helps me clarify my mind and perhaps, not always feel she’s doing things to “purposely go against me” – I know she does a lot FOR me, so I’m not ignorant of that. If it wasn’t for her efforts today, we wouldn’t even be seeing each other anymore.

          The big breakthrough last night for me was really she let me touch her more closely. While I could tell she wasn’t fully comfortable or reciprocating of that, at least she didn’t 抗拒 either – because that was what frustrated me all this time. Even if she’s not ready to touch me back or whatever, as long as she continues to let me hold her whatever, that makes me HAPPY enough as it stands. Obviously my ultimate goal is for her to feel like she can return it for now, but at least now I’m physically satisfied by her letting me do that. I could tell from the way she breaths and just from her sighing when I held her in certain ways made me upset, but at least she didn’t force me away. I think as I hold her more, it might help her understand my true feelings behind it.

          I can’t tell you how amazing it was being able to touch her in ways I could not even imagine before – perhaps that is why I thought she was becoming more comfortable, but I guess it was also because she was just trying for me to be a “good girl” despite her own feelings of resisting, she fought herself off. I know it must be hard for her, but I guess it is hard for the BOTH of us too, so we both did the right thing. I didn’t do anything too out-of-place and she didn’t reject me completely from touching her. I felt so warm with her and just wanted to smother her with my love and emotions. I sigh VERY MUCH so that she can’t just be open and accept it, but such is bebe…. I guess that’s what “makes her, her.”

          I managed to fall asleep on her, so I can definitely attest to my own comfort with her. When we were lying on the bed, it was still a bit disturbing she felt the need to leave such a huge gap in between us and I wasn’t sure whether that was to give me space or whether it was negative body language. Like you said, now’s a good time to look at it positively and say it was just because she didn’t want to “intrude” into my personal space. The whole goal yesterday was to make her super happy, because she did/said very important things to me… but in the end, I think she made me more happy than I made her, haha. All I ask is she continues to let me to touch her… then I won’t be angry or upset anymore, lol…

          You wouldn’t even believe how horny I was… this was the first time I’ve ever got so many erections when I was with her. Several times while we were just lying next to each other and watching the movie/Youtube, I ended up getting hard and had to make sure I didn’t accidentally rub against her or something, LOL. There were a few times I had to put a pillow or blanket over myself because I was so hard it was showing through my pants T__T I was so afraid I’d accidentally cum or something, HAHAHA, that’d be so gross… damn she’s so cute she makes me crazy 😦 I wish I’d be able to see her during the week more… you know, make weekdays “important” too… because whenever she’s out in ‘sauga with her friends, it’s nice if she’d let me know whenever she’s free and we can meet up, even if I have to go out after work at least I won’t feel completely crazy during the week, lol.

          When I was in her bathroom changing, I was so horny I seriously thought I needed to get off before I could change. I could get my pants back on properly because I was so hard, lol… I had to wait for it to soften up before I could get my pants on and even then, it had actually crossed my mind I needed to ‘take care of it’ before we left… but I thought it’d be kinda nasty/rude to do that in HER washroom, so I waited for later. When I got home, suffice to say I was all riled up already and couldn’t hold it in. I think I lost track of how much time I spent fantasizing about bebe last night until I came… it was amazing ^__^

          I hope bebe continues to let me hold her, because it makes me feel more assured about our relationship and I don’t feel all that negativity. Although she still does not “like it” – at least she’s LETTING me which is important. Maybe.. just maybe, suddenly she’ll look at me, smile and tell me “she’s ready” to be with me… ohh.. dreams…

  3. HELLO…. The very FACT that bebe introduced you to her “very close” group of friends… Is a big HINT on her part to THEM: BOYFRIEND, or at the very least, potential BOYFRIEND! Or else, why would some random guy, hang out one-on-one with her (prior to meeting her friends)? Trust me, her friend would be asking her all about her status with you ie: Is he your BOYFRIEND?? Cue for bebe to clarify to them (Of course, when you’re not around her, LOL!)

    For some girls, the fact that an arrangement was made so as to create an opportunity for you and her friends to meet is a BIG clue 🙂 – esp when those friends are the SELECT FEW CLOSE kind 😉

    BTW, I do read your posts.. Just that I don’t have time to reply.. And the point is… You seem to get upset or angered by bebe sometimes… You know what… You are the one who is mature (at least, more than bebe) and the one with experience in relationships… You KNOW it is HER that you want… You are not in a rush to get married and she too… You KNOW she is young and has time to kill… Just let her grow into the relationship at her pace and don’t place any expectation on her… the fact that she is WITH you and not with someone else MEANS you are the ONE – at least, for now – and it is up to YOU (the mature and wise one) to apply your wisdom and love her no matter her flaws! (Like how parents love you – UNCONDITIONALLY!) =)))

    • C… cannot deny gd advice from bebe’s fellow country-girls la xDD

      Ur frd so smart leh, she must hv many bf after her 😆 If only bebe was more like her rite? haha… so open n’ so much wisdom abt relationships 😀 I bet she’s kinda cute too juz frum the way she talks!

      Juz rmbr, bebe KNOWS u r ‘the one’… juz she can’t express it rite now until she gets some life experience under her belt (or waist… kakak).

    • Har, sexy girl is alive after all 😆 Well, it’s not that I’m not happy that she introduced me to her friends, because I really was… (or well, am) and yes, I am still only a “potential” boyfriend to her, SIGH…. there’s still the mysterious discomfort that we can’t seem to grasp on ‘what’ causes it… I just think she needs to get to know me better OVER TIME…. I know it seems like I’ve “known” her forever and while we’ve known each other for almost 2 years now, we’ve only been “readily dating” for a mere 2 months.. and unlike dating for most ‘new couples’ – we don’t go out 3-4 times a week, we go out ONCE a week, making any type of “comfort building” or “rapid relationship growth” much harder than your typical couple. If anything, we should be taking advantage of the fact we’re still living in the same town and thus, making dating much easier… when she moves out to another city, then it won’t be as easy on traveling. However, I do believe I will maintain and moreover would even like to increase the frequency we see each other, even if it means a bit of monetary and time sacrifice on my part to get there.

      I’m sure her friends have asked her things about me and it’d be nice to know that she’s giving positive responses. I don’t expect her to claim me as her boyfriend (as much as I’d like that) and stuff, but I do expect her to tell the “truth” about the type of person I am to them… after all, I want them to have a good impression of me too. I’m sure both of us talk to our friends about each other, just like I confide in my friends… as long as the things we say to our friends are good things about each other – I don’t particularly like badmouthing bebe to any of my friends, because that sets a bias for them. I would like to hope that bebe continues to say good things about me to her friends and more importantly, BELIEVE that I am a good person, someone worth winning her heart. I was definitely touched when that day it was her who pretty much offered me the opportunity to meet her close friends, I was dumbstruck and didn’t even know how to react 😆 Not only does her speaking about me in a good nature to her friends increase my stance in their eyes, but it also helps her “look at a different angle” about the way I feel about her and how important she is in my life.

      I’m happy to know you still read my posts, it totally sucks we don’t get a chance to keep in contact like we used too : (BOO you. I certainly do know that SHE is the one I want to be with… I’m not in a rush to get married, but I am KIND OF in a rush to get this relationship on sure-footing. By sure-footing, I don’t even mean “getting sexually intimate” – I mean sure-footing as in we ENJOY and YEARN to see each other regularly and that she no longer questions herself whether I am the “right” guy. If could just hear from her one day (soon hopefully) that she’s decided to ‘stick with me’ and that our relationship is steady, then I would not worry about so much about how things are progressing, because we’ve hit a comfortable spot where I no longer need to worry about her being tangled up with other guys. It’s not a matter of me questioning her loyalty or morals, but about the fact that there’s just so many guys out there that if I knew she wasn’t completely comfortable with me yet as her boyfriend, then ANY guy who comes within a 10 feet radius of her becomes an immediate threat to me… and also they’re pretty much forfeiting their life if they’re dumb enough to try any shit on bebe 😀

      She is indeed young, has time to kill and also her personality and attributes all make her the very “independent” and “short-sighted type”… live now, worry about the future later. Being either of those is not a bad thing, but there also I’d like her to begin enjoying the courting process, being able to FEEL FOR ME and give me that psychological assurance to me that “everything’s going to be ok!” – until I get that feeling of security, I’m likely to find myself being overbearing and protective because I don’t feel that things are “in the right place” yet… and to ensure that I am one day the recipient of her love means having to keep others away. Normally I do not like to interfere with friendships formed of the opposite gender, it’s completely ok to have a boy-girl or girl-boy FRIENDSHIP without strings attached.

      How can a person NOT place expectations? That almost seems impossible. Everyone has expectations in another person, event or situation. I’m ok with her growing into the relationship – and obviously she’s doing that now as long as she doesn’t decide to “just give up.” Even if we “move a bit, sit a bit” I’m happy with that… not every date requires progression or accomplishment, I only expect she continues to pour herself into this relationship just as I am … and as long as she doesn’t have plans to give up, then I’m in no rush to push or get into a marriage… it’s all about providing each other with a sense of security and dedication to the other half!

      I agree with you on that the fact that she’s with me and not someone else is already a big “win”… after all, if she had another person she was interested in, he’d disappear pretty fast. What gives me the fuel to consider pursuing this relationship despite all the setbacks she throws at me, it is exactly as you said, I am meant to be “the ONE”… against all odds, we met each other in such a vast world and it is also against all odds that we will prosper in this relationship and a very bright future. I do however, dislike your statement about how I am “the one” – or at least for now – now THAT IS not cool at all! I don’t want to be a ‘just for now’ boyfriend – I want to be a “forever husband” – I’m not in this relationship just to temporarily fulfill my needs of a girl… I truly, deeply, madly – love her.

      I do try to apply my wisdom – just can’t say that every decision I make is the correct one, LOL. I hope she’s able to overlooking the discomfort soon and just take time to let my embracing of her reach her soul. Deep down in a very unknown and hostile place, a light of our relationship continues to flicker strong. Although we do not know what will keep that fire lit and burning, we do know that there’s something very important between us and that we accept this one-time chance to make our relationship work. For the most part, I am – or try – to be mature about this relationship. I cannot say I’ve never been frustrated, angry, upset or annoyed by our progress, but at the same time, you are right in that I love her for all her perfections and flaws – because it is what makes her unique and the bebe I oh-so-much love!

      When my “needs” are not fulfilled by her, I do often what direction this relationship is headed… is it going towards failure or is bebe’s undying willpower enough to override her “feelings” for me and let our relationship begin to grow, prosper and never-end. I think I’m totally loving her unconditionally now, because there’s not a “lot I’m getting back from her” – but rather just constant output-output-output from me that I’d just to to see some kind of affection for me in the near future from her.

      Since you want to know about my night, I gotta tell you it was pretty awesome. Only thing that was not to “what I expected” was the fact she seemed just so damn comfortable with me today, but only later to find out I was wrong and that she still feels that same air of discomfort. Luckily, I was given a chance for some physical intimacy today which I’m happy about. Although she did not “return” the sentiment, at least she let me which already fulfilled much of my own needs to maintain my sanity, haha. It took a bit of clearing up misunderstandings when she intially said that the discomfort hasn’t went away that I had thought she meant she feels we have not moved at all – when reality, she later told me that things aren’t “bad” – they’re just not “great” either yet, lol… fair enough, it takes time, hehe. I had worried the whole night thinking she meant she felt we’re not progressing at all, but when reality I think she just means we’re not progressing at the rate SHE wants it to for her to hit that comfort-level with me. However, whether we progress one day at a time or one month at a time, I’m willing to expend the time and effort to make this relationship work and remind bebe that I want her to be the happiest girl on the face of the earth!

      Together we are one, together we will be and forever we will be.

      If you are you heading to any temples in the near future, please pray for bebe and I – pray that this discomfort is delivered away from her so that her feelings for me can be genuine, true and unwavering! It’s about time that at least a bit of bebe’s invisible-wall-of-discomfort begins to crack away… I’m going to continue whittling at it bit-by-bit until she says to me she’s ready for a “serious” relationship and that I can let all my defenses go down and worry-not about what she’s up to.

      I hope you come by and talk more often, I really do miss you 😦 Can’t live without my Chun Chick Trio, haha. I want bebe so badly I don’t even think she can comprehend how much I care for her and want her to stay by my side… the indescribable way that I feel about her is like the way she can’t tell me what is “wrong” with me that she can’t feel for me. Given that I’ve proven in 360 ways that I AM Mr. Right and that she SHOULD feel progression/increased comfort with me, it cannot be explained, just like how I can’t even explain why I feel so strongly about her when it causes daily pain, anguish and declining self-confidence… yet… I stand strongly against the cause of what is holding us back! There are things in life that words cannot explain – and although prominently bebe would reply with that discomfort not having an origin/reason, I also know that words are too SIMPLE to explain my love for bebe.

      Sorry it took me so long to reply, but these replies tend to be much longer than the random/short-term visitors I get 😛

      • Its ok, take your time, and out of that long reply I’ll pick the issue that pops out at me: The sure-footing thing!

        I didn’t know she’s still not sure about you yet, that she’s still just only considering you, therefore I understand why she’s quite distant… However, you can rectify that “sure-footing” thing!

        PROPOSE to her 😛 Not a “Marry me?” but a “Would you be my girlfriend?” and accompany that proposal with a token of love (Say, a pendant/ring/something pretty and bought with her in mind 😉 ). Make that proposal special, for example, do it in front of her/your friends, make it public.. (hers would be better la, keke) on bended knee (she would giggle like crazy) – and if she says YES, you can be sure that her heart would be set in the foundation of love for youuuu 😀

        The idea is to make it “official”, and she would feel a lot more secure and confident with you 🙂 You know how “official-ity” or formalities just makes people feel that much better? 🙂

        Decide on a special date and you may drop hints about it if you like, make her look forward to it, like how a woman looks forward to hints dropped by a boyfriend she’s hoping to get married to! teehee ^^

        • She’s sure about me in terms of that I would make a good boyfriend, but she’s also not sure about the comfort-level with me. The comfort is a major factor in why she acts the way she does really, all things revolve around that. The feeling of discomfort around me I believe stems from some kind of blockages in her willingness to be emotionally open. There’s SO much she hides from me, both online and offline, I’m not oblivious to it, I just don’t tell her, make it obvious or even hint more than what she lets on. Sometimes I think part of the reason for her discomfort is that we always try to have to “get ahead” or “one-up” each other. I think we both know that the more she tries to hide things from me, the more I will go dig for the information and that in turn pisses her off… then I think to myself, if we were BOTH simply open to each other about this, we wouldn’t even need to be “uncomfortable” to each other. Let’s just look at something as simple as Facebook, I have her added to the same group that my FAMILY is part of, so she has access to almost all visible parts of my Facebook, including albums I otherwise don’t let others see. On the other hand, I’m part of a group on her Facebook that restricts what I can see. Do you see something unusual about this? There are so many things she hides from me, which I’m not blind to, I just don’t bring it up with her as to how she hurts me like that. She’ll come up with new ways (which usually doesn’t end up stopping me) of blocking me, showing that it’s almost like a “challenge” for her to stop me. Oddly enough, I was reading on an article to other day about how social networking “causes more problems than resolves” – which now I’m starting to see truth in it. We spend so much time “hiddenly fighting” each other and is causing that rift between us. She actually gives me LESS reason to snoop if she didn’t hide things on me.

          I honestly think we both spend a lot of effort trying to out-do each other, lol… and probably if we invested that same effort in other places, we’d accomplish so much more 😆 She talks about the right to her privacy on Facebook and other things, which is true, but at the same time, doesn’t it seem awkward for a girl to hide so much from a potential boyfriend or hell, she probably only masks things from me (it is sad and hurtful). These actions aren’t simply just a matter of her doing it, it’s a “direct attack” against me and that’s why I also fight back and sometimes even I know I purposely fuel the fire. That’s kind of like saying to a person, “I KNOW that YOU know I do it and I’m going to keep on doing it.” I think (just like last night), she was literally trying to bait me out… Sometimes when we argue or I know we’re “heading down the arguing path” – I try to change the topic. However, once she “starts” she continues at it, even despite me asking her other things, she’ll just ignore those questions and continue pressing-on, even when I’m trying not to add oil to the fire… and then she’ll tell me she’s not in the mood to talk .Well hello, I was ALREADY trying to get off a topic that angers her, then she should also “switch out” rather than staying on that path. Nevertheless, I’m sure she wasn’t in the greatest of moods yesterday from some other things that happened, perhaps I just tipped the cup over.

          I’m trying to rectify the sure-footing thing BIG time. I want us to be able to trust each other and not have to do nasty things. We both have a temper and that’s why we fly off the handle sometimes and the thing is, we take it out on each other. I suppose it’s safest to take it out on each other because we care and know the other person simply “accepts” it. Likewise, you are right on how I want to love her unconditionally – as much as I can get so pissed off with her for things she (knowingly) hurts me with, I can’t help but stop loving her. We do things we know we can get away with to those we love, because we know they’ll always stand by us no matter what. I can understand a person being “distant” if they’re not bf/gf, but her “distance” is unusually distant… lol – it is almost like if she believes I have some kind of ill-intent if she DOES get close to me. I’ve reassured her I wouldn’t do anything too extreme, like grope/touch her “private” area or anything like that – I’m not that stupid and perverse, so I’m respecting when she’s ready. Yet, it seems like she’s always ON-GUARD and that’s the thing… there’s some “unsafe” feeling when she’s with me, why? I haven’t done anything do her that would otherwise prove I’m untrustworthy or have anything but the best intentions for her. She keeps on pointing to a general feeling of discomfort, but there’s more to that story because discomfort “stems” from something. It is kind of like someone who says, “I’m scared.” – then you can say, “What are you scared of? The dark? Getting sick? Dying? Being hurt? High places? Tight quarters?” … or something like that. We’ve had this problem a long time ago, where she’d feel that I was always “following” her on everything she does – but the reality is, the reason why I even DID it in the first place was because she made me feel like I needed to as a result of being so “secretive” about everything. It’s not like I’m the “nosy type in general” unless I’m instigated into doing so. We can simply revert back to giving each other our personal freedom if we went back to how we were before, where we’d just “be normal” to each other. If we could just say, “Hey, you stop doing the things you do against me and I stop doing the things I do against you, then we can call it peace.” – that’d actually get her to feel comfortable with me, because she wouldn’t have to FEEL like hiding things from me and I wouldn’t have to FEEL like “unhiding” things from me, lol.

          You don’t know bebe, but doing some kind of proposal IN PUBLIC would get me killed. The things that applies to “most girls” don’t apply to her… or maybe it does, but just doesn’t apply to me if I were to do it (yes, that’s fucked, everything I do gets spun negatively because it is “me”). I’ve “proposed” to her many times and I reaffirm it regularly about how much she means to me and I just can’t wait until she ACCEPTS my love for her! If I were to even do something like this in front of her friends, I think she’d just downright stop seeing me if I were to make a scene like that. I understand women’s feelings are usually quite easy to appeal to and doing something romantic would immediately make any girl go ga-ga… but bebe’s not the emotionally open type and this would be seen more of an “insult and embarrassment” – rather than being thoughtful and loving. I have given her many special tokens of my love before, she just needs to be willing to FEEL it within her. I wish you could instill some “relationship realities” and “learning to love a guy” knowledge in her… It’s just a waiting-game now and perhaps a bit of personal growth. It’s hard for me to progress since she can’t come up with the REASON of discomfort, therefore I can only wait for time to help her build that love for me.

          Her feelings and thoughts in-the-moment are very easy to gauge, her face says it all, LOL. Usually I can already guess what she’s thinking or how she feels about certain things just by looking at her and her body. Over time, I’ve always tried to hide my body language as to not easily be “seen through” (mainly for work) – her voice is usually also a dead give-away. I think I’ve grown particular with the word “comfort” and “feel” – every time I hear those words, I want to freak, lol. It doesn’t even have to come from her, even when I hear it from others, haha… guess I just hate those two words so much now. I’ll be able to tell when she’s more positive, just based on her body language because that’s one thing she hasn’t learned to hide yet.

          You and I both know that being “official” is a great way to solidify a relationship – but she knows but doesn’t “feel” ready. Bebe is not dumb and is quite knowledgeable about relationships, she just chooses not to accept me right now. If I were to ask her now if she’d want to be my girlfriend, it wouldn’t go over well. In fact a lot of things that I’ve done to “touch her heart” – which in essence would touch ANY girl’s heart doesn’t seem to even move her… and that’s why that unusual blockage of emotional out-pour makes me feel very weird about things. The more she resists, the more I’ll become aggressive towards things, not physically or anything, but more of that I’ll become even more desperate… and when a man is cornered into desperation, we might not do things that is all-too-rationale. What happens when you trap a spider in the corner? It bites back 😛

          I love bebe a lot, probably beyond what she’s even capable of knowing or accepting… sometimes I also think that this love might become a bad manifestation if it goes too far and isn’t returned. Every time bebe says or does something nice to me or even seems just closer, helps alleviate that feeling of inequality. I know I love her more than she cares about me right now, so it is just something I’ve come to accept and that hopefully if what people believe in love is true and that it can change a person for the better, that she’ll one day feel that in her heart to accept me for who I am. There’s so much about me she’d want to change, but the reality of loving someone is to accept them for who they are – just like I’m accepting the fact that she’s “not always nice” to me and that she simply is who she is… despite me wanting to open her up. I understand that giving her a “formal title” – like being my girlfriend isn’t something that she will just accept so easily, she has to be ready for it – it’s not I who’s not ready for it. She knows very well the moment she feels ready, she can come to me and I wouldn’t even hesitate to accept her. I already consider her my girlfriend and treat her as such, it is a matter of her considering and treating me as a boyfriend.

          I try to make EVERY date special to her… some special, new and exciting. I like taking her to places where we have “time for us” … and hopefully by seeing other couples who walk by us or how they treat each other, it’ll spark some romance into her. At the same time, I also know that it’s not that she doesn’t have “wants” for romance and stuff inside her, she just doesn’t want to share them with me and that’s mainly where my aggression fuels from, because everything is about “me” and how I don’t “draw” that stuff from within her. I’m very gentle, sweet and understanding when it comes to the girl I love, but when she starts telling me about other people who she could “actually accept” or people she would actually feel more comfortable being intimate with, it just makes my eyes turn green with jealousy, red with anger and black with death for anyone who even thinks about trying to separate bebe and I.

          I just hope that soon bebe will accept me… we all have limits of what we can take, I don’t want to crack – or rather, I can’t accept myself to crack because bebe means so much to me. I want to truly find out what is stopping her from loving me, I want to give her the world. Sometimes I think irrationally and I put blame on the wrong things/people when in reality, all these “blockages” are within herself…. the question is, why does she feel the need to be on-guard with me? That just causes me to be even more pressing because she IS on-guard, that it only digs us deeper and deeper. Once she relaxes with me, then I too will relax and in turn, that’ll help the relationship a lot more than both of us trying to find ways to piss each other off, haha.

          I totally know what you are suggesting and mean – and I hope one day I can “formally propose” for her to be my girlfriend, I just need to wait until she’s comfortable enough to say yes and to have me do something like that. After all, I know bebe’s not a very public person and to do something like that would only make her more upset with me… even though I can’t say I know everything about bebe, this much I do know what she “likes” and “doesn’t like” me to do. I don’t have a problem with GIVING her that official status, it is her not ready to give ME that status 😛

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