Last Date of April and Onto May!
So yesterday, I went with bebe for the last date of April, since today’s May 1st 😀 Of course there’s not really a significance of that though, lol. Actually well maybe, I’ll explain further! So yesterday, I picked her up from her friend’s place out. We did something quite cool and different this time, we visited a local bookstore to browser some books she wanted to buy and then in the meantime, I also found a book I was interested in. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I purchased a physical book. The last book I purchased was online, an eBook, and then a REAL book back in post-secondary many years ago, haha. I used to be a huge reader, going to the library and loading up a wheelbarrow each day and as I got older, either responsibilities became larger and I didn’t have time or I simply lost the devotion.
Here’s a synopsis of the book I picked up:
Opposites Attractby Renee Baron
Harpercollins Publishers | January 31, 2011 | Trade Paperback
Does your partner want to go out on Friday nights when you prefer to curl up at home with a movie?
Does your neat-freak boyfriend always want to clean up your cluttered office?
Does your wife want to plan trips six months in advance while you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?
The truth is, opposites attract. People who are different from each other in fundamental ways often catch each other’s attention. We are attracted to the very qualities we wish we had ourselves. A shy person looks for a mate who is outgoing and gregarious to provide a social circle, and the outgoing person may need to be with someone who won’t compete with him for attention. It seems like the perfect match, that is, until those very differences that originally attracted us start to drive us crazy.
But these differences don’t have to drive couples apart. Renee Baron, a marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience, uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to provide a practical program for learning to appreciate our differences, rather than fight over them. The MBTI is the most widely used personality indicator in the world. By discovering your innate personality preferences and those of your partner, you can stop having the same fights over and over again and start appreciating the gifts each of you offers to the relationship.
I was trying to avoid the whole “relationship-help” books, because I figured if I presented bebe with a book like that, she would just not read it. This book was chosen because the content doesn’t draw everything out in a “how to love each other” way, but rather, how two people (regardless of the ‘relationship’ – just lovers/friends/acquaintances) with different personality-types interact. There were also a lot of funny comics inside the book and I laughed as I was skimming through it because so much of it represented bebe and I – we have the typical extravert and introvert. Perhaps if I was more like bebe, we’d get along much easier. If we were both extraverts, we’d have no problem constantly seeing each other, rapidly engaging in conversation and probably wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. Likewise, if we were both introverts (then I wouldn’t even know how we met each other, LOL) – then neither of us would desire conversation unless ‘necessary’, we’d both have our body-parts in-check and wouldn’t be touchy-touchy and we’d see each other one month at a time 😛 So as you can see, this is where the whole problem occurs, we’re people of two different “types” – but that sure as hell does not mean we can’t love each other – in fact, history has proven (even in my own family) that opposites attract. I have seen many uncles and aunties who I wonder why they would even marry each other in the first place when they are the extremes of personalities – one who is quiet and indifferent and the other who is loud and wants control of everything – and certainly there is merit in that because think, what if they were BOTH loud and controlling? Things would be explosive!
The extravert’s flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert’s is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. Contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts include the following:
- Extraverts are action oriented, while introverts are thought oriented.
- Extraverts seek breadth of knowledge and influence, while introverts seek depth of knowledge and influence.
- Extraverts often prefer more frequent interaction, while introverts prefer more substantial interaction.
- Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone
Let’s look at the above, it’s amazing how these psychologist can “define” people and truly ‘draw us out’ as if we were simply puppets of life. I’m not going to analyze every underlying and detailed thing about us, but let’s just take the first few things that come to my head. I would consider myself an extravert, I am action oriented and it shows. I am the touchy-touchy type because to me, I perceive it as showing my love, care and sense of security. When I touch bebe, it isn’t just about being perverse or grabbing at her, but to show my feelings for her. When I “think of what to do” – the results is that invariably it comes to an action. When my boss asks me to do something, I jump in and do it and then work from there, rather than thinking it out. I know that bebe spends a lot of time thinking about things when she’s with me, she has that look on her face. Part of it is the discomfort and part of it is that she has WAY too much going on in her mind. When I touch her, I know that thousands of thoughts go through her head… things like, “What do I do?”, “Is this acceptable?”, “Do I feel for him?”, “Should we be together?”, “What should I say?” … and etc. We were in the park yesterday and I could tell there was a lot on her mind, probably not “good” things either since her mind tends to be so focused negatively on our relationship, but then again, this is where it comes down to introverts being THOUGHT oriented, whereas I would just love to hold her/touch her rather than “thinking” about it.
Bebe definitely likes depth upon forms of knowledge – I find that sometimes the times when we have the most conversation is when she likes to drill-down on a particular matter. Bebe is very inquiring and it’s cute, she likes to ask me questions as we’re going past things or whenever it comes up in her head. If she did that more often, we’d have more conversations too, LOL. Me on the other hand, I only like to know a “bit about everything” (ok, except for periods… HAHA) rather than a lot in a singular subject. That is perhaps part of why (other than for financial reasons) that bebe wants to pursue a designation, because that usually shows that you have “in-depth knowledge about X-subject” and while I like doing project management because it doesn’t show I’m good at handling ONE thing in particular, but many different things. When it comes to influence, I like being the one who “appeals to everyone” – I want people to be influenced by my thoughts and actions – the more, the better (some people call it high-profile). Bebe likes to keep a low-profile and moreover, she keeps her influence “deep” but only to a small audience, such as with her closest friends and doesn’t like to expand her influence as much as I do. In fact, she’d much rather if she didn’t expand her influence too much, haha.
When it comes to the interaction, no shit, lol. I think I barely need to explain this part. I wouldn’t call myself a social butterfly, I’m far from it… I have my close group of friends, my colleagues and then my family – who are put a small circle of people. Suffice to say, in comparison to bebe, I’d definitely consider myself having more frequent social interaction than bebe. I’m sure you see that bebe spends only a day a week, two at most with me, and only a few hours at that. To me, this is insufficient, can be frustrating and sometimes even tips the scale of annoying when she tells me a few hours a week is “too much” when the time she dedicates in front of her computer and with her friends out in ‘sauga is “not excessive.” On weekends, she usually does not see me until 3PM, meaning even if we stretch the time we see each other to 12AM, that’s only 8 hours. I understand her friend’s work and they sometimes are even in different rooms, but for her to suggest to me that she isn’t always engaged with her friends even if they are together makes me raise an eyebrow. Over a course of 1 week, I’m sure they spend more than 8 hours being “engaged” – so I hate it when people lie or try to B.S. me… I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m not retarded either. And I’m finding even though she’s next to me, a lot of the times we aren’t engaging, meaning the whole 8 hours is not really 8 hours. On the drive home, there’s sometimes very little talk, so maybe for the whole of it, we’re only being “engaged” with each other for perhaps 3 hours in an 8-hour block.
She is exactly as the description says, she prefers more substantial interaction, that is, “quality over quantity” – which I too agree with, although at times I wonder of the quality we spend with each other when she’s not talking to me. We used to have a lot to talk about, perhaps things were still “new” then and there was a lot happening in her life before, so she had things to talk about with me. Nevertheless, she should endeavour to “speak up” more often when we’ve had 10-15 minutes of silence, it is just weird. Shit, make something up if you have to, but it’s about learning “small talk” with people that’s necessary, both personal and in the work-world. I can’t wait until she has “more of a life” because it’s draining on me when I constantly have to try to get her to talk or think of subjects, all while concentrating on something important called DRIVING. If the 8 hours she spent with me were totally engaging, I wouldn’t even be so angry at her friends (or rather, the way she “commits” to her friends) – or perhaps I need to wait until she has more she can talk to me about – perhaps her life is a bit dry right now. Maybe we’re turning into those old couples where we’ve talked about so much there’s not much left to know? 😆 I think the big thing is she’s more of an “online talker” more than an “offline talker” — on MSN we can have really engaging and fun conversations. Social schooling and a job will really help build her character in terms of social-connections. When I say social schooling, I mean the courses where it’s necessary for you to talk to others and to be “open” in the classroom. Hopefully her upcoming courses will help her open-up and learn that you can’t just be quiet and expect to get away with it. With me, sure, I’ll just hold my temper and not make an issue of it on-the-spot, but with others, you can’t get away with it. I can feel my rage beginning to build-up each time there’s extended periods of silence. I realize it’s dead-boring and tiring to talk every moment of a date, but it’s necessary where both sides initiate conversation – if I have to constantly ask questions, then it’d become an interview. Again, maybe once she gets “involved in the community” through school and work that it will really open the doors for conversation and she can’t hide in that annoying little shell of hers. It’s not that she’s INCAPABLE of being social, look at her and her friends, she just likes to hide on me.
I spend a lot of time at home during the week, so me “getting out” is really my energy-recharge time. Each time I get to see bebe, I feel as if all my energy came back, despite how tired I may be, I feel refreshed with her. No matter how poorly my week has gone, just seeing her and being in her presence makes me feel as if all my problems are resolved. On the other hand, her seeing me is like a “chore” and “draining” on her. I realize I’m not sure exciting, but at the same time, I’m not boring either and I try to make the time she spends with me exciting – or at least – relaxing, even if it’s just a walk in the park. She likes to spend time alone, whether she’s at home or with her friends, “alone” is still where she is able to energize. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be doing something all the time, but certainly, spending a day or two with me should not be that tiring… after all, she stays up to 4-5AM every day and is out with her friends well past midnight, so when she gives me shit about the few hours a week we get to spend together, it makes me want to freak out on her friends and wipe them off the face of the planet. I hate when I’m lied to…
So after the books, it had been on my mind that we’d get something for her mom for Mother’s Day. Her brothers are “going back home” and if we get her something, they’ll be able to take it back for us. We had walked by some magazines that her mom would’ve been interested in, but didn’t think of it at the time and we started driving back to our city. We decided it would be best if we bought it that day since they would be leaving soon and I didn’t want to forget it. We stopped at various malls on the way home to look for them and each store happened to have a feminine hygiene aisle which I took a look at. The past few weeks have been horrid when I’ve been trying to catch sales, seems like there’s a lack of sales for Stayfree, Carefree and O.B. lately, arg – I still have coupons to use and my supply is running awfully low. I mean I could’ve splurged and bought them anyways, but still. Also, I found the Always LeakGuard Maxi’s and they were 5.97 a pack of 20, holy crap! Bebe bought something which I ended up paying for – I have a feeling she wasn’t even paying attention we’re at the register, which is fine, it kind of gives me that “couples” feeling where it really doesn’t matter which one of us pays for it. I hate the way she still tries to keep everything so “separate” between us, like we have to keep a tally of everything we give/owe… it shouldn’t be like that. If I buy something for her, it’s from my heart that I care about her – and the item which I bought for her wasn’t a “luxury” item, so I’m ok with spending money on it. If she ended up buying loads of candy or whatever, then I’d expect her to pay herself.
We went to a second store, where we finally found the right magazines… in fact, 3 of them, lol. I asked her to accompany in the feminine hygiene aisle because I wanted to look at something in detail. She gave me a very curt answer, “As if you care…” (referring to the fact I don’t get embarrassed being there myself) – but the thing is, when you’re shopping with a girl, then it looks weird if the guy is in there himself looking at stuff, and totally DIFFERENT than when I’m in there myself. I’m sure she could claim that no one knew we were shopping together (since she was in the magazine section), but still, it’s just a matter of the feeling of it. The thing is, she spent quite a bit of time looking at her magazines and even when she wasn’t in the bookstore, I didn’t complain about her being there for so long… and how can she even complain to me about the 2 minutes we spent in the feminine hygiene aisle? Like what the fuck, really? (I left the latter part out, LOL). I know she likes throwing the same excuse about “comfort level” all the time as to why she doesn’t “sacrifice” for me… but I wouldn’t even call this so much as a sacrifice but rather, just normal manners… I mean if your friend just spent a long time with you doing something you want to do/accomplish, certainly giving back a bit of time for him/her is justified. I gave her my portion of the money for the magazines as a present for her mom and even asked if we should buy a card so we can both sign it and stuff. Then she said something like, “That’s all you wanted to do…” and then I asked, “Is that a problem?” Is it so weird that I’d like my name to show up on something as a gift to her mom? What is this shit? I think it’s pretty normal for someone to sign a card and at least have her know that it is “our” gift or that I am trying to “greet” her mom. I think she likes to push my buttons to make me aggressive and I’m best when I’m passive, NOT aggressive. I wasn’t planning about signing a card and putting in, “From your future son-in-law, ____” or “With love from ___” or “From your daughter’s boyfriend ___” – I just wanted my name somewhere to shows that I’m thinking of her, because who knows if bebe will even mention that it was ‘our’ gift to her mom.
I’m not sure whether she does it with her friends or just does it to me, but when we were walking through the stores, she would disappear. You would like to think I’ve gotten “used to this” because my mom did the same thing and my dad would yell at her all the time. It wasn’t until like 20 years into the marriage where my mom would actually listen, LOL… but we’d be walking and she likes to stay behind me, then she’d stop without saying anything. I’d turn around and bebe would be gone – sometimes even IN to the aisle, so I couldn’t even see her. She won’t even say, “hey, can we stop and take a look” or “hey, I’d like to check out X-section” – poof. It just doesn’t seem like proper etiquette… I never have a problem accompanying her to look at something, even if it isn’t in my interest, but at least say something to let me know to stop. I know that perhaps because we’re “a couple” she does things she wouldn’t do with her friends, because we have a different type of relationship, but at the same time, if she devotes half the time and commitment of standards to me as she does with her friends, we’d be so-fitting by now. The more she does these things, she’s not even getting me pissed off at her, she’s getting me angry at her friends because then I end up thinking, “Do you do the same things to your friends? Do they think it’s acceptable? Do you treat them like inconsiderately?” and then of course, why do you feel it’s right to treat ME like that? The more she fuels my anger towards her friends, that’s probably not a very good thing for them… lol.
Oh, between the bookstore and driving to the store, I missed the part about lunch, haha. We got ourselves some yummy sushi and stuff. We had some small chatter but we mostly kept quiet. Again, it is off-and-on… sometimes on different dates, she’ll have more/less to say to me when we eat. The night we were out in ‘sauga for a late-night dinner, we had wonderful conversations and in fact, we didn’t even notice the time as we talked late into the night. This time, lunch was not overly exciting in the conversation aspect, but I love watching her eat, it is so cute! I like to leave the food she likes more so she can have it, it’s just how I feel. I know that she knows that I do that, and always says I can eat it too, but because I know she doesn’t have preference for other stuff, I will eat up the stuff she “doesn’t like as much” so she can eat the “stuff she likes” more. Sometimes I feel like a dad to her, lol, I “leave the best for her” – maybe it’s my paternal instincts and my love of babying her, haha. On the way back to her house, we stopped at a Cold Stone Creamery and picked up some ice cream and shake. The one thing I noticed over a long period of time is that she doesn’t “share” herfood much. This is one thing I don’t know whether she does or doesn’t do even with her friends, so I can’t point fingers. However, I also know that she’s one time told me that because I’m an only child, I don’t know what it feels like to have to share. True enough, but at the same time, every time I have a MEAL or a DRINK come to me, I always offer her a taste first. If the food is individual orders, I will always ask if she wants to have something before I dig in. Likewise, whenever she gets food like fish & chips or even her ice cream, she doesn’t bother asking me if I want to try, she’ll just dig in and IF at the end there’s food left over, she’ll give me whatever is left (like I’m a garbage can). I always love sharing the BEST of things and not only with her, but I like to “share the joy” (more appropriately, 分享) good food and experiences with everyone, whether it is my friends or family – not just her. I don’t have siblings to share good food/fun with, but what I do have is that I enjoy giving her a chance to share my meal/drink too. I can understand that she might not be accepting of food I’ve slobbered all over before, but before she digs into hers, it’d be nice if she asked me – EVEN if I don’t want it, at least it is offered. The only time I can ever get a piece of something she’s eating is if I ask, which is kind of 冇癮 if I have to ask. I was happy this time she sipped from my straw to try the milkshake ^__^
Since it was rather early and yesterday was amazing weather, we discussed about going to a park. It was so nice to be walking in a park and eating/drinking our yummy food at the same time, although in the afternoon it got a bit chillier than in the morning when it was hot. I couldn’t get her to hold my arm this time, despite last time the feeling of her holding me was so warm. Part of the shittiness of it was that we were on a “trail” and lots of it were pretty much single-file. I will have to avoid going to trails in the future as it doesn’t give us an opportunity to be physical. Sometimes she so resistant with me that I just want to pull her towards me and be rough if she’s not going to “play nice.” I try to leave a gap between us as to not be “too” intimate, so she should at least understand my actions of doing so and lean in a bit. Usually even if I put my arms around her, I’ll leave a good clearance of space between our bodies to give her that “personal space” – while maintaining a bond between my arm and her shoulder. I was a bit upset at how she would hold my arm last time, but not this time, especially given that it was fairly cold and would’ve been nice to keep the warmth together. It is interesting how she can twist and bend words into her favour, I looked at several couples who walked by us, holding each other in various ways and STILL had space to walk the trial. The saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – as in if she wanted to hold me, she’d find a way to do it even if the trial was narrow. Alas, I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry at her declines to be physical with me (or rather, I wouldn’t get angry if she doesn’t want to do something for me, but I would be if she stopped ME from being physical with her) – so I didn’t pursue arguing with her over the semantics of it. I highly dislike her body language and that is why sometimes I need to step away for a breather, fearful I might just explode in fury – although I attribute that to her not knowing the etiquette of physical contact.
Actually, going back to lunch for a bit, she did tell me her mom suggested her to stay local (in this city) until later on this year. I was partially happy, but that still doesn’t change the fact that she will end up moving out there anyways, not that her mom told her to stay here with me, lol. The thing is that bebe staying local to me is only temporary and as much as that makes me happy for the next half year, the inevitability is that she’s going to move closer to her friends (as if they don’t spend ENOUGH time together as it is :roll:). The other thing that came up (which I’m glad she didn’t go for…) was it was suggested she just go back home to do her studies and come back here. I wasn’t all too happy about that and bebe thought it was a better idea to stay here too. I always told bebe, best thing for us both is for her to carry on here, we’ll see where the relationship goes, and then she can go back if things really don’t work out. Nevertheless, the problem with this is that now there’s a “deadline” i.e when she completes schooling, then it forces us to push the relationship faster (which might not be good to move fast), just so it keeps her here. I want our relationship progression to be relaxed and not have a deadline that, “when she’s done school and we’re still not ‘official’ then she’s gone” — I think it puts UNDUE pressure on us both. Hopefully she won’t use her school term as a determining factor. Either way, I’m pleased that bebe wants to stay here to do school, perhaps a bit for herself and a bit for me – that makes me proud 🙂
The night turned for the better as we got back to her place. Since I didn’t have any new movies she wanted to watch, most of the night we just say next to each other on our computers, talking a bit and then we watched some Ellen Degeneres – I like watching that with her because it puts her at ease (due to the laughter) and we can also snicker at the various funny parts together. The reason I like being at her house so much is we have privacy, as in, she’ll let me do things to her that she’d otherwise be shy doing in-public. She’s not the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) type of girl, she prefers the touchy-touchy is in our own privacy, which I can respect. I got to give her a massage and hold her close to me, which really made the night perfect. There was still a bit of leaning on her body which I did not like, but hey, at least she’s LETTING me touch her right? I should be grateful for that, lol. Being able to touch her gently removes that negative-edge off my mind, because sometimes she gets me so riled up during the day that I’m ready to punch-a-wall, and letting me do this totally makes me as passive and docile as a rabbit, haha. I accidentally nicked her ticklish spots a few times because of the weird way I was sitting at getting my arms around her as my fingers couldn’t get in the right position. Nevertheless, this helps me learn about her body better – because I want to make her feel good!
It was approaching midnight and it looked like she wanted to call it a night. I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes, so I began to pack up. I wanted to borrow a few of bebe’s pads from her because I’m running low on stock and also I wanted to see her reaction. I made sure I did not after I went to the washroom (since it’d totally be weird if I asked before, took them and walked to the washroom… HAHA) to change if I could have a few of her pads. I made sure I said “a few” as to not insinuate I’d take it all, since I’m understanding that if her period suddenly came it’d be a bitch if I took it all and she’d have to rush out to get some. Furthermore, I asked only to take the one type that was not her “treasured Asia pads” – but just the regular one she could buy here. I didn’t buy any throughout the day because it was too expensive and would like to hold-out until there’s a sale + my coupon. She gave me a very dry response, as if I was taking a piece of gold away from her or something – and I wanted to sigh at her at that point but resisted. I can’t even describe how she replied to me.. but really, I spend so much money on her regularly that I can’t imagine she was so resistant at letting me BORROW 50-cents worth of pads… I told her I’d give her new ones once there was a sale and I bought them and also, yesterday I also gave her some money to spend as she pleases… enough to buy like TEN packs of pads with lots of change to spare – I can’t believe how dejecting it was to see she wasn’t “willing” to let me take a few. Even though she said yes and I took some, it definitely wasn’t a “nice” yes.
There was a bright-light that totally melted me last night. I had written bebe a letter, an expression of my love to her – and while I don’t think it ended up touching her like I imagined it would, there WAS positivity to it. The letter was written over a 3-day period, over 2 hours a day of refining, rewriting and such. It was HANDWRITTEN which was something I’ve never done… I’ve always composed these letters on computer and then printed it out with ONLY the signature on the bottom being “written”. The entire 3 page letter from front-to-back was all in black ink and I poured my heart, soul and blood into it. She finished reading it fast (obviously reading is faster than writing), but I had hoped that she’d savour every word more, rather than rushing through it or even skimming it. I hope she’ll keep it so each day it reminds her how special she is to me and perhaps one day we can look back at it and smile. I want to do this more often, because it really is an expression of myself to her and my commitment to do things I would never otherwise do. What made the letter amazing wasn’t the fact she “gave” me anything in return, there was no extra intimacy, but the way she said “aw, thank you” to me was the most sincere and beautiful thank you she’s ever said to me – because I could actually “feel the feeling” in her words and also because she never speaks in that tone to me. Her voice was so tender (溫柔) at that moment I wanted to serious rip her clothes off, LOL. I think I got an erection, I’m not sure, I was so dazed that I avoided any eye-contact with her, in fear I might not be able to control myself 😆
I don’t expect our relationship to flourish this year… I’m sure there will be “progress” but nothing “intense” will happen. Call me a bit superstitious, but my horoscope this year says that my relationship life will be “stable, but unexciting” … haha. I think bebe’s said something about her not having a “good social/relationship outlook” this year, which may be why we both seem to struggle. So yes, while we all have control over ourselves, a part of us, the “explainable feelings” within us sometimes is controlled by fate and timing. Maybe this year won’t be great for us, but next year we’ll suddenly go from “being uncomfortable” to “madly in love” – who knows right? When I was in the bookstore, I was reading “Dating for Dummies” – it was funny and also sometimes helped bring other perspective into this. One of the quotes, I wish I could remember it word-for-word, but was something to the effect of that love is fate, but in order for fate to happen, you have to let things progress naturally. If you relax and let fate take it’s course and you are meant to be together, then everything falls into place. Think about how divine fate is… if it wasn’t for how our parents met and a “chain of conditions” and “events” that happened leading to their relationship/marriage/pregnancy, we would not be here today. Likewise, two people who are meant to be together all follow that chain and events leading up to their success. If bebe and I constantly place expectations and try to “move things in our own ways” – it won’t work because in the end, fate controls us. If we simply take things as they come, develop as we are meant to develop, fate will guide us towards our relationship’s success. One day we’ll be able to say to our kids and remind them that if it wasn’t for a bunch of things that helped bring mommy and daddy together, we would’ve never had them! Fate is so unique that sometimes it waits for the perfect moment to ripen. Right now, maybe bebe and I aren’t ready to be involved with each other – perhaps we have other things waiting for us to concentrate or to accomplish. When fate says it is ready to bring bebe and I together – it will… and we’ll finally be happy together.
I love bebe so much I think I’m going crazy 😀
Posted on May 1, 2011, in Personal, Thumbs Up Reads and tagged Blog, Date, Depressed, Depression, Emo, Emotions, Family Life, Food, Friendship, Girlfriend, Girls, Interests, Love, Musings, My Life, People, Periods, Personal, Relationship, Romance, Thoughts, Women. Bookmark the permalink. 33 Comments.