Last Date of April and Onto May!

So yesterday, I went with bebe for the last date of April, since today’s May 1st 😀 Of course there’s not really a significance of that though, lol. Actually well maybe, I’ll explain further! So yesterday, I picked her up from her friend’s place out. We did something quite cool and different this time, we visited a local bookstore to browser some books she wanted to buy and then in the meantime, I also found a book I was interested in. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I purchased a physical book. The last book I purchased was online, an eBook, and then a REAL book back in post-secondary many years ago, haha. I used to be a huge reader, going to the library and loading up a wheelbarrow each day and as I got older, either responsibilities became larger and I didn’t have time or I simply lost the devotion.

Here’s a synopsis of the book I picked up:

Opposites Attract

Harpercollins Publishers | January 31, 2011 | Trade Paperback

Does your partner want to go out on Friday nights when you prefer to curl up at home with a movie?

Does your neat-freak boyfriend always want to clean up your cluttered office?

Does your wife want to plan trips six months in advance while you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?

The truth is, opposites attract. People who are different from each other in fundamental ways often catch each other’s attention. We are attracted to the very qualities we wish we had ourselves. A shy person looks for a mate who is outgoing and gregarious to provide a social circle, and the outgoing person may need to be with someone who won’t compete with him for attention. It seems like the perfect match, that is, until those very differences that originally attracted us start to drive us crazy.

But these differences don’t have to drive couples apart. Renee Baron, a marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience, uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to provide a practical program for learning to appreciate our differences, rather than fight over them. The MBTI is the most widely used personality indicator in the world. By discovering your innate personality preferences and those of your partner, you can stop having the same fights over and over again and start appreciating the gifts each of you offers to the relationship.

I was trying to avoid the whole “relationship-help” books, because I figured if I presented bebe with a book like that, she would just not read it. This book was chosen because the content doesn’t draw everything out in a “how to love each other” way, but rather, how two people (regardless of the ‘relationship’ – just lovers/friends/acquaintances) with different personality-types interact. There were also a lot of funny comics inside the book and I laughed as I was skimming through it because so much of it represented bebe and I – we have the typical extravert and introvert. Perhaps if I was more like bebe, we’d get along much easier. If we were both extraverts, we’d have no problem constantly seeing each other, rapidly engaging in conversation and probably wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. Likewise, if we were both introverts (then I wouldn’t even know how we met each other, LOL) – then neither of us would desire conversation unless ‘necessary’, we’d both have our body-parts in-check and wouldn’t be touchy-touchy and we’d see each other one month at a time 😛 So as you can see, this is where the whole problem occurs, we’re people of two different “types” – but that sure as hell does not mean we can’t love each other – in fact, history has proven (even in my own family) that opposites attract. I have seen many uncles and aunties who I wonder why they would even marry each other in the first place when they are the extremes of personalities – one who is quiet and indifferent and the other who is loud and wants control of everything – and certainly there is merit in that because think, what if they were BOTH loud and controlling? Things would be explosive!

The extravert’s flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert’s is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. Contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts include the following:

  • Extraverts are action oriented, while introverts are thought oriented.
  • Extraverts seek breadth of knowledge and influence, while introverts seek depth of knowledge and influence.
  • Extraverts often prefer more frequent interaction, while introverts prefer more substantial interaction.
  • Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone

Let’s look at the above, it’s amazing how these psychologist can “define” people and truly ‘draw us out’ as if we were simply puppets of life. I’m not going to analyze every underlying and detailed thing about us, but let’s just take the first few things that come to my head. I would consider myself an extravert, I am action oriented and it shows. I am the touchy-touchy type because to me, I perceive it as showing my love, care and sense of security. When I touch bebe, it isn’t just about being perverse or grabbing at her, but to show my feelings for her. When I “think of what to do” – the results is that invariably it comes to an action. When my boss asks me to do something, I jump in and do it and then work from there, rather than thinking it out. I know that bebe spends a lot of time thinking about things when she’s with me, she has that look on her face. Part of it is the discomfort and part of it is that she has WAY too much going on in her mind. When I touch her, I know that thousands of thoughts go through her head… things like, “What do I do?”, “Is this acceptable?”, “Do I feel for him?”, “Should we be together?”, “What should I say?” … and etc. We were in the park yesterday and I could tell there was a lot on her mind, probably not “good” things either since her mind tends to be so focused negatively on our relationship, but then again, this is where it comes down to introverts being THOUGHT oriented, whereas I would just love to hold her/touch her rather than “thinking” about it.

Bebe definitely likes depth upon forms of knowledge – I find that sometimes the times when we have the most conversation is when she likes to drill-down on a particular matter. Bebe is very inquiring and it’s cute, she likes to ask me questions as we’re going past things or whenever it comes up in her head. If she did that more often, we’d have more conversations too, LOL. Me on the other hand, I only like to know a “bit about everything” (ok, except for periods… HAHA) rather than a lot in a singular subject. That is perhaps part of why (other than for financial reasons) that bebe wants to pursue a designation, because that usually shows that you have “in-depth knowledge about X-subject” and while I like doing project management because it doesn’t show I’m good at handling ONE thing in particular, but many different things. When it comes to influence, I like being the one who “appeals to everyone” – I want people to be influenced by my thoughts and actions – the more, the better (some people call it high-profile).  Bebe likes to keep a low-profile and moreover, she keeps her influence “deep” but only to a small audience, such as with her closest friends and doesn’t like to expand her influence as much as I do. In fact, she’d much rather if she didn’t expand her influence too much, haha.

When it comes to the interaction, no shit, lol. I think I barely need to explain this part. I wouldn’t call myself a social butterfly, I’m far from it… I have my close group of friends, my colleagues and then my family – who are put a small circle of people. Suffice to say, in comparison to bebe, I’d definitely consider myself having more frequent social interaction than bebe. I’m sure you see that bebe spends only a day a week, two at most with me, and only a few hours at that. To me, this is insufficient, can be frustrating and sometimes even tips the scale of annoying when she tells me a few hours a week is “too much” when the time she dedicates in front of her computer and with her friends out in ‘sauga is “not excessive.” On weekends, she usually does not see me until 3PM, meaning even if we stretch the time we see each other to 12AM, that’s only 8 hours. I understand her friend’s work and they sometimes are even in different rooms, but for her to suggest to me that she isn’t always engaged with her friends even if they are together makes me raise an eyebrow. Over a course of 1 week, I’m sure they spend more than 8 hours being “engaged” – so I hate it when people lie or try to B.S. me… I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m not retarded either. And I’m finding even though she’s next to me, a lot of the times we aren’t engaging, meaning the whole 8 hours is not really 8 hours. On the drive home, there’s sometimes very little talk, so maybe for the whole of it, we’re only being “engaged” with each other for perhaps 3 hours in an 8-hour block.

She is exactly as the description says, she prefers more substantial interaction, that is, “quality over quantity” – which I too agree with, although at times I wonder of the quality we spend with each other when she’s not talking to me. We used to have a lot to talk about, perhaps things were still “new” then and there was a lot happening in her life before, so she had things to talk about with me. Nevertheless, she should endeavour to “speak up” more often when we’ve had 10-15 minutes of silence, it is just weird. Shit, make something up if you have to, but it’s about learning “small talk” with people that’s necessary, both personal and in the work-world. I can’t wait until she has “more of a life” because it’s draining on me when I constantly have to try to get her to talk or think of subjects, all while concentrating on something important called DRIVING. If the 8 hours she spent with me were totally engaging, I wouldn’t even be so angry at her friends (or rather, the way she “commits” to her friends) – or perhaps I need to wait until she has more she can talk to me about – perhaps her life is a bit dry right now. Maybe we’re turning into those old couples where we’ve talked about so much there’s not much left to know? 😆 I think the big thing is she’s more of an “online talker” more than an “offline talker” — on MSN we can have really engaging and fun conversations. Social schooling and a job will really help build her character in terms of social-connections. When I say social schooling, I mean the courses where it’s necessary for you to talk to others and to be “open” in the classroom. Hopefully her upcoming courses will help her open-up and learn that you can’t just be quiet and expect to get away with it. With me, sure, I’ll just hold my temper and not make an issue of it on-the-spot, but with others, you can’t get away with it. I can feel my rage beginning to build-up each time there’s extended periods of silence. I realize it’s dead-boring and tiring to talk every moment of a date, but it’s necessary where both sides initiate conversation – if I have to constantly ask questions, then it’d become an interview. Again, maybe once she gets “involved in the community” through school and work that it will really open the doors for conversation and she can’t hide in that annoying little shell of hers. It’s not that she’s INCAPABLE of being social, look at her and her friends, she just likes to hide on me.

I spend a lot of time at home during the week, so me “getting out” is really my energy-recharge time. Each time I get to see bebe, I feel as if all my energy came back, despite how tired I may be, I feel refreshed with her. No matter how poorly my week has gone, just seeing her and being in her presence makes me feel as if all my problems are resolved. On the other hand, her seeing me is like a “chore” and “draining” on her. I realize I’m not sure exciting, but at the same time, I’m not boring either and I try to make the time she spends with me exciting – or at least – relaxing, even if it’s just a walk in the park. She likes to spend time alone, whether she’s at home or with her friends, “alone” is still where she is able to energize. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be doing something all the time, but certainly, spending a day or two with me should not be that tiring… after all, she stays up to 4-5AM every day and is out with her friends well past midnight, so when she gives me shit about the few hours a week we get to spend together, it makes me want to freak out on her friends and wipe them off the face of the planet. I hate when I’m lied to…

So after the books, it had been on my mind that we’d get something for her mom for Mother’s Day. Her brothers are “going back home” and if we get her something, they’ll be able to take it back for us. We had walked by some magazines that her mom would’ve been interested in, but didn’t think of it at the time and we started driving back to our city. We decided it would be best if we bought it that day since they would be leaving soon and I didn’t want to forget it. We stopped at various malls on the way home to look for them and each store happened to have a feminine hygiene aisle which I took a look at. The past few weeks have been horrid when I’ve been trying to catch sales, seems like there’s a lack of sales for Stayfree, Carefree and O.B. lately, arg – I still have coupons to use and my supply is running awfully low. I mean I could’ve splurged and bought them anyways, but still. Also, I found the Always LeakGuard Maxi’s and they were 5.97 a pack of 20, holy crap! Bebe bought something which I ended up paying for – I have a feeling she wasn’t even paying attention we’re at the register, which is fine, it kind of gives me that “couples” feeling where it really doesn’t matter which one of us pays for it. I hate the way she still tries to keep everything so “separate” between us, like we have to keep a tally of everything we give/owe… it shouldn’t be like that. If I buy something for her, it’s from my heart that I care about her – and the item which I bought for her wasn’t a “luxury” item, so I’m ok with spending money on it. If she ended up buying loads of candy or whatever, then I’d expect her to pay herself.

We went to a second store, where we finally found the right magazines… in fact, 3 of them, lol. I asked her to accompany in the feminine hygiene aisle because I wanted to look at something in detail. She gave me a very curt answer, “As if you care…” (referring to the fact I don’t get embarrassed being there myself) – but the thing is, when you’re shopping with a girl, then it looks weird if the guy is in there himself looking at stuff, and totally DIFFERENT than when I’m in there myself. I’m sure she could claim that no one knew we were shopping together (since she was in the magazine section), but still, it’s just a matter of the feeling of it. The thing is, she spent quite a bit of time looking at her magazines and even when she wasn’t in the bookstore, I didn’t complain about her being there for so long… and how can she even complain to me about the 2 minutes we spent in the feminine hygiene aisle? Like what the fuck, really? (I left the latter part out, LOL). I know she likes throwing the same excuse about “comfort level” all the time as to why she doesn’t “sacrifice” for me… but I wouldn’t even call this so much as a sacrifice but rather, just normal manners… I mean if your friend just spent a long time with you doing something you want to do/accomplish, certainly giving back a bit of time for him/her is justified. I gave her my portion of the money for the magazines as a present for her mom and even asked if we should buy a card so we can both sign it and stuff. Then she said something like, “That’s all you wanted to do…” and then I asked, “Is that a problem?” Is it so weird that I’d like my name to show up on something as a gift to her mom? What is this shit? I think it’s pretty normal for someone to sign a card and at least have her know that it is “our” gift or that I am trying to “greet” her mom. I think she likes to push my buttons to make me aggressive and I’m best when I’m passive, NOT aggressive. I wasn’t planning about signing a card and putting in, “From your future son-in-law, ____” or “With love from ___” or “From your daughter’s boyfriend ___” – I just wanted my name somewhere to shows that I’m thinking of her, because who knows if bebe will even mention that it was ‘our’ gift to her mom.

I’m not sure whether she does it with her friends or just does it to me, but when we were walking through the stores, she would disappear. You would like to think I’ve gotten “used to this” because my mom did the same thing and my dad would yell at her all the time. It wasn’t until like 20 years into the marriage where my mom would actually listen, LOL… but we’d be walking and she likes to stay behind me, then she’d stop without saying anything. I’d turn around and bebe would be gone – sometimes even IN to the aisle, so I couldn’t even see her. She won’t even say, “hey, can we stop and take a look” or “hey, I’d like to check out X-section” – poof. It just doesn’t seem like proper etiquette… I never have a problem accompanying her to look at something, even if it isn’t in my interest, but at least say something to let me know to stop. I know that perhaps because we’re “a couple” she does things she wouldn’t do with her friends, because we have a different type of relationship, but at the same time, if she devotes half the time and commitment of standards to me as she does with her friends, we’d be so-fitting by now. The more she does these things, she’s not even getting me pissed off at her, she’s getting me angry at her friends because then I end up thinking, “Do you do the same things to your friends? Do they think it’s acceptable? Do you treat them like inconsiderately?” and then of course, why do you feel it’s right to treat ME like that? The more she fuels my anger towards her friends, that’s probably not a very good thing for them… lol.

Oh, between the bookstore and driving to the store, I missed the part about lunch, haha. We got ourselves some yummy sushi and stuff. We had some small chatter but we mostly kept quiet. Again, it is off-and-on… sometimes on different dates, she’ll have more/less to say to me when we eat. The night we were out in ‘sauga for a late-night dinner, we had wonderful conversations and in fact, we didn’t even notice the time as we talked late into the night. This time, lunch was not overly exciting in the conversation aspect, but I love watching her eat, it is so cute! I like to leave the food she likes more so she can have it, it’s just how I feel. I know that she knows that I do that, and always says I can eat it too, but because I know she doesn’t have preference for other stuff, I will eat up the stuff she “doesn’t like as much” so she can eat the “stuff she likes” more. Sometimes I feel like a dad to her, lol, I “leave the best for her” – maybe it’s my paternal instincts and my love of babying her, haha. On the way back to her house, we stopped at a Cold Stone Creamery and picked up some ice cream and shake. The one thing I noticed over a long period of time is that she doesn’t “share” herfood much. This is one thing I don’t know whether she does or doesn’t do even with her friends, so I can’t point fingers. However, I also know that she’s one time told me that because I’m an only child, I don’t know what it feels like to have to share. True enough, but at the same time, every time I have a MEAL or a DRINK come to me, I always offer her a taste first. If the food is individual orders, I will always ask if she wants to have something before I dig in. Likewise, whenever she gets food like fish & chips or even her ice cream, she doesn’t bother asking me if I want to try, she’ll just dig in and IF at the end there’s food left over, she’ll give me whatever is left (like I’m a garbage can). I always love sharing the BEST of things and not only with her, but I like to “share the joy” (more appropriately, 分享) good food and experiences with everyone, whether it is my friends or family – not just her. I don’t have siblings to share good food/fun with, but what I do have is that I enjoy giving her a chance to share my meal/drink too. I can understand that she might not be accepting of food I’ve slobbered all over before, but before she digs into hers, it’d be nice if she asked me – EVEN if I don’t want it, at least it is offered. The only time I can ever get a piece of something she’s eating is if I ask, which is kind of 冇癮 if I have to ask. I was happy this time she sipped from my straw to try the milkshake ^__^

Since it was rather early and yesterday was amazing weather, we discussed about going to a park. It was so nice to be walking in a park and eating/drinking our yummy food at the same time, although in the afternoon it got a bit chillier than in the morning when it was hot. I couldn’t get her to hold my arm this time, despite last time the feeling of her holding me was so warm. Part of the shittiness of it was that we were on a “trail” and lots of it were pretty much single-file. I will have to avoid going to trails in the future as it doesn’t give us an opportunity to be physical. Sometimes she so resistant with me that I just want to pull her towards me and be rough if she’s not going to “play nice.” I try to leave a gap between us as to not be “too” intimate, so she should at least understand my actions of doing so and lean in a bit. Usually even if I put my arms around her, I’ll leave a good clearance of space between our bodies to give her that “personal space” – while maintaining a bond between my arm and her shoulder. I was a bit upset at how she would hold my arm last time, but not this time, especially given that it was fairly cold and would’ve been nice to keep the warmth together. It is interesting how she can twist and bend words into her favour, I looked at several couples who walked by us, holding each other in various ways and STILL had space to walk the trial. The saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – as in if she wanted to hold me, she’d find a way to do it even if the trial was narrow. Alas, I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry at her declines to be physical with me (or rather, I wouldn’t get angry if she doesn’t want to do something for me, but I would be if she stopped ME from being physical with her) – so I didn’t pursue arguing with her over the semantics of it. I highly dislike her body language and that is why sometimes I need to step away for a breather, fearful I might just explode in fury – although I attribute that to her not knowing the etiquette of physical contact.

Actually, going back to lunch for a bit, she did tell me her mom suggested her to stay local (in this city) until later on this year. I was partially happy, but that still doesn’t change the fact that she will end up moving out there anyways, not that her mom told her to stay here with me, lol. The thing is that bebe staying local to me is only temporary and as much as that makes me happy for the next half year, the inevitability is that she’s going to move closer to her friends (as if they don’t spend ENOUGH time together as it is :roll:). The other thing that came up (which I’m glad she didn’t go for…) was it was suggested she just go back home to do her studies and come back here. I wasn’t all too happy about that and bebe thought it was a better idea to stay here too. I always told bebe, best thing for us both is for her to carry on here, we’ll see where the relationship goes, and then she can go back if things really don’t work out. Nevertheless, the problem with this is that now there’s a “deadline” i.e when she completes schooling, then it forces us to push the relationship faster (which might not be good to move fast), just so it keeps her here. I want our relationship progression to be relaxed and not have a deadline that, “when she’s done school and we’re still not ‘official’ then she’s gone” — I think it puts UNDUE pressure on us both. Hopefully she won’t use her school term as a determining factor. Either way, I’m pleased that bebe wants to stay here to do school, perhaps a bit for herself and a bit for me – that makes me proud 🙂

The night turned for the better as we got back to her place. Since I didn’t have any new movies she wanted to watch, most of the night we just say next to each other on our computers, talking a bit and then we watched some Ellen Degeneres – I like watching that with her because it puts her at ease (due to the laughter) and we can also snicker at the various funny parts together. The reason I like being at her house so much is we have privacy, as in, she’ll let me do things to her that she’d otherwise be shy doing in-public. She’s not the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) type of girl, she prefers the touchy-touchy is in our own privacy, which I can respect. I got to give her a massage and hold her close to me, which really made the night perfect. There was still a bit of leaning on her body which I did not like, but hey, at least she’s LETTING me touch her right? I should be grateful for that, lol. Being able to touch her gently removes that negative-edge off my mind, because sometimes she gets me so riled up during the day that I’m ready to punch-a-wall, and letting me do this totally makes me as passive and docile as a rabbit, haha. I accidentally nicked her ticklish spots a few times because of the weird way I was sitting at getting my arms around her as my fingers couldn’t get in the right position. Nevertheless, this helps me learn about her body better – because I want to make her feel good!

It was approaching midnight and it looked like she wanted to call it a night. I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes, so I began to pack up. I wanted to borrow a few of bebe’s pads from her because I’m running low on stock and also I wanted to see her reaction. I made sure I did not after I went to the washroom (since it’d totally be weird if I asked before, took them and walked to the washroom… HAHA) to change if I could have a few of her pads. I made sure I said “a few” as to not insinuate I’d take it all, since I’m understanding that if her period suddenly came it’d be a bitch if I took it all and she’d have to rush out to get some. Furthermore, I asked only to take the one type that was not her “treasured Asia pads” – but just the regular one she could buy here. I didn’t buy any throughout the day because it was too expensive and would like to hold-out until there’s a sale + my coupon. She gave me a very dry response, as if I was taking a piece of gold away from her or something – and I wanted to sigh at her at that point but resisted. I can’t even describe how she replied to me.. but really, I spend so much money on her regularly that I can’t imagine she was so resistant at letting me BORROW 50-cents worth of pads… I told her I’d give her new ones once there was a sale and I bought them and also, yesterday I also gave her some money to spend as she pleases… enough to buy like TEN packs of pads with lots of change to spare – I can’t believe how dejecting it was to see she wasn’t “willing” to let me take a few. Even though she said yes and I took some, it definitely wasn’t a “nice” yes.

There was a bright-light that totally melted me last night. I had written bebe a letter, an expression of my love to her – and while I don’t think it ended up touching her like I imagined it would, there WAS positivity to it. The letter was written over a 3-day period, over 2 hours a day of refining, rewriting and such. It was HANDWRITTEN which was something I’ve never done… I’ve always composed these letters on computer and then printed it out with ONLY the signature on the bottom being “written”. The entire 3 page letter from front-to-back was all in black ink and I poured my heart, soul and blood into it. She finished reading it fast (obviously reading is faster than writing), but I had hoped that she’d savour every word more, rather than rushing through it or even skimming it. I hope she’ll keep it so each day it reminds her how special she is to me and perhaps one day we can look back at it and smile. I want to do this more often, because it really is an expression of myself to her and my commitment to do things I would never otherwise do. What made the letter amazing wasn’t the fact she “gave” me anything in return, there was no extra intimacy, but the way she said “aw, thank you” to me was the most sincere and beautiful thank you she’s ever said to me – because I could actually “feel the feeling” in her words and also because she never speaks in that tone to me. Her voice was so tender (溫柔) at that moment I wanted to serious rip her clothes off, LOL. I think I got an erection, I’m not sure, I was so dazed that I avoided any eye-contact with her, in fear I might not be able to control myself 😆

I don’t expect our relationship to flourish this year… I’m sure there will be “progress” but nothing “intense” will happen. Call me a bit superstitious, but my horoscope this year says that my relationship life will be “stable, but unexciting” … haha. I think bebe’s said something about her not having a “good social/relationship outlook” this year, which may be why we both seem to struggle. So yes, while we all have control over ourselves, a part of us, the “explainable feelings” within us sometimes is controlled by fate and timing. Maybe this year won’t be great for us, but next year we’ll suddenly go from “being uncomfortable” to “madly in love” – who knows right? When I was in the bookstore, I was reading “Dating for Dummies” – it was funny and also sometimes helped bring other perspective into this. One of the quotes, I wish I could remember it word-for-word, but was something to the effect of that love is fate, but in order for fate to happen, you have to let things progress naturally. If you relax and let fate take it’s course and you are meant to be together, then everything falls into place. Think about how divine fate is… if it wasn’t for how our parents met and a “chain of conditions” and “events” that happened leading to their relationship/marriage/pregnancy, we would not be here today. Likewise, two people who are meant to be together all follow that chain and events leading up to their success. If bebe and I constantly place expectations and try to “move things in our own ways” – it won’t work because in the end, fate controls us. If we simply take things as they come, develop as we are meant to develop, fate will guide us towards our relationship’s success. One day we’ll be able to say to our kids and remind them that if it wasn’t for a bunch of things that helped bring mommy and daddy together, we would’ve never had them! Fate is so unique that sometimes it waits for the perfect moment to ripen. Right now, maybe bebe and I aren’t ready to be involved with each other – perhaps we have other things waiting for us to concentrate or to accomplish. When fate says it is ready to bring bebe and I together – it will… and we’ll finally be happy together.

I love bebe so much I think I’m going crazy 😀

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on May 1, 2011, in Personal, Thumbs Up Reads and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 33 Comments.

  1. What a beautiful and lovely (as in really lovely, I felt the love so much, felt like I was in love myself… Are you a closet Nicholas Sparks?!! I get the feeling that a book on romance written by you would fly off the shelves 😀 ) post!

    Out of the whole post, let me just pick out one item that I liked the most: the food issue! Where you said bebe treats you like a garbage can 😛

    It seems that bebe is quite the introvert.. So sharing food with a guy (boyfriend or not, anyone except a brother or father) would be a… “Not right now, maybe next time” thing. She doesn’t feel comfortable enough to offer her food to you because:

    1. When she’s with you, you literally feed her her favourite food xD Especially when she has to SHARE most of the time, it is with you that she has some “me time!” that she can afford to be selfish and gobble the whole ice-cream herself, because you are the only person who can SPOIL her that way, and won’t complain about her not sharing xD Yaya, it’s mean I know, but we girls (maybe just me:P) feel really, really babied when we get to be pampered this small way :)) So don’t take it in a bad way, just treat it as a way of spoiling totally and utterly!!! xDD

    2. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing food with you because the idea of swapping saliva is GROSS. I know, so childish, but I’m like that, and so are some other girls I know :)) Guys seems to be much more OK with sharing saliva (as in sharing the same drink/food, not kissing) but we girls tend to be more anal when it comes to hygienic stuff (eg: saliva.) It’s eww and icky :((

    Maybe, she would change her mind if you can make her *wink wink*. If you can, then you’ll be happy to know that you’ll probably be the only guy outside the family who she swaps spit with (in the food/drink, harhar 😛 ).

    Sigh to extroverts *nudge nudge*. The way introverts and extroverts think is so different! Just a reminder, love unconditionallyyyyyyyy~~~~ ❤

    • HI BABY!

      I’ve actually thought about writing a short romance story before, but just can’t commit myself to it… so lazy, lol. I have so much emotions pent up inside me, maybe just from going through so many years without being able to find the “right” girl that I could devote all my love to. Since L and I broke up years ago, even all the girls that came along my life ‘in between’ – I didn’t have that same feeling of eternal devotion to… it really takes a special sort of girl to make me feel like she’s worthwhile and that I should put all my efforts into, so I have MANY years of “stored love” for the lucky recipient 😛 … and I sure as hell hope it is Bebe, haha. If what she sees now is already overwhelming her with how much attention/love/loyalty I give her, she can’t even imagine what’s to come down the road when I really let all my love flow to her 😆 she’ll feel like a damn princess, haha.

      In regards to your 1st point, I definitely never thought of it that way. I had just felt so hurt that I offer her my food, but she doesn’t for me (even if I’m the one paying for it, HAHA). Sharing is also practical in the sense that say if I order “A” and she orders “B” and we both try a bit of each others food, then we’ll already have covered 2 items we want to see if it suits our taste for next time. It takes “half the time” to try all the things on the menu if each person orders their own each time, but lets the other person try a bit. I do like babying bebe, so I probably shouldn’t complain since I’m literally ENCOURAGING this type of attitude 😄 It’s kind of like I “want to spoil her” – but at the same time, be “teased” back 😛 I do feel really happy even when she lets me do things for her – god, I feel so crazy sometimes because I’m normally such a lazy person, LOL.

      In regards to your 2nd point, I’m actually “not ok” with swapping spit with people – even I find it gross myself. Even when we were ‘not so well off’ as a family, mom, dad and I may have shared a drink, but we all used different straws and stuff. There’s only ONE of my girls who I have shared a drink with before and that’s because we grew up with each other and we know that we’re “safe” (as in no weird sickness we can pass to each other) and it was only because the drink was so large we wouldn’t be able to drink one per person. Normally, we drink stuff separately. And so even up to this day, I don’t even share drinks with my cousins who are like brother/sister to me and I sure as hell don’t share drinks with others, male or female. Bebe is the only person who I’ve shared a straw with now, LOL. I actually felt kind of happy 😀 And so ya, I’m actually quite reserved when it come to swapping spit because it doesn’t rank high on my “hygiene scale” – haha… but then again, if Bebe and I progress in this relationship, I think I can/have to handle her saliva a bit… 😄

      There was no reason for her to feel it was gross to drink from my straw, because I hadn’t even touched it yet. I know that if I were to have sipped on it, she would have declined to try it, so I asked her to try before I started on it. I do the same thing with food, give her a piece to try before I eat it. Even if not, at least I will give her an “exclusive section” – like an area that I haven’t touched of the food or whatever. And plus, when I eat, I don’t exactly slobber all over my food and lick it or something, haha. I’d just feel more special if she offered me too, but I guess that’s too much to ask for from a reserved-kinda girl ^_^

      Well it is unnecessary for you to say that I want to change her mind about it, haha. The whole GOAL of being with bebe is showing her that I can love her and hope she will feel ready to return that same feeling one day 😀 That day she drank out of my straw I felt rather happy (and then I drank out of it without wiping, just so I could “be hers forever” LOL!) and you know what they say when a guy drinks a girl’s 口水溦 too.. HAHA.. The past few times I’ve asked her to “share a drink” (as in try mine, not drink it together) – she’s always declined, but now this time she took it up, I felt proud for BOTH of us.. particularly for her who’s really trying hard to make things work between us!

      Shit, I don’t even like swapping spit when I kiss, but of course that’s inevitable, haha. Either way, you keep praying for me and bebe, so that when I come over to Malaysia to do our wedding, you will be invited 😆

  2. C’mon msn.

  3. Haha, ur frd PC is so cute lor… she’s totally right 😀 I dun even kno how u cm up with these words n’ thoughts in ur mind, they’re so touching! If any “random girl” in this world can b touched by ur words, surely bebe needs to be a bit more 清醒 w/ the way she views u n’ her claimed discomforts! U can offer her smthg tht no other guy in the world can, and it’s unconditional luv… coz I can’t even say I’d kno any guy who wuld go to the same extent u hv to chase bebe. Even tho u alwayz say u hv problems expressing ur deepest feelings, u alwayz do it so well in ur blog post n’ I’m sure ur luv letter to bebe was tremendous, whether she ‘displayed’ it to u or nt how precious it is to her.

    I’m quite sure bebe’s 矛盾 ovr her own decisions abt u… she knos u r worth it to her n’ worth all the pain, effort n’ evrythg – coz she chose to let u n’ also pursue u herself. Mebe coz I hv alwayz been emotionally expressive, it wuz vry easy for me to adapt to luving n’ being luved by sm1. It’ll b much harder for a girl to accept luv from ne1 other than her family. U can c tht her n’ her brothers tend to be very closed-emotions n’ more of the quiet-conservative-secretive type… so for sure, it indicates the thgs u will hv to deal w/ to draw so many years of “hiding” frm her… she’s juz nt used to a guy knowing so much abt her xDD In fact, u’ve probably gone farther than she’s let ANY guy w/ her, so tht smthg u shuld b proud of – both for her n’ for u!

    Gawd, u r so romantic w/ bebe, I can’t imagine her nt being able to get absorbed, haha. I think even her frds might think she’s crazy nt to feel nethg yet 😆 Being a sister to so many, PC is rite tht ur the only person who can give her “me time” – where u stand by her n’ give her tht feeling tht she can be selfish to herself for once. She’s spent so long in Canada, hv’ing to tk care of others (n’ even at bk in Malaysia) n’ being so independent, tht now she has u to “rely” on n’ can call upon, rain or shine, is so special to her. She can also for once eat smthg herself, w/o hv’ing to feel like she has to consider sm1 else. In fact, her “true form” shows how comfortable n’ can b “herself” w/ u.

    I can’t wait to c more thgs u write abt bebe, they’re so sweet – even if smtimes u complain, I think u hv a rite to given how much grief she gives u, LOL… I dun think ne1 would ever deny the luv u give her being “fully” and “complete” 😆 Seems like she complains abt thgs u do n’ u alwayz cater to her n’ apologize even if it isn’t U who is wrong, tht nuts.. lol. Even in a situation she’s totally wrong, she’ll still want to feel rite 😛 so vry girly… kakaka.

    Do u think u’ll evr post the letters u write to her? 😀

    • Unlikely to your question…. I mean, I like to share things, but then there’s “really private” things I prefer not to… love letters being one of them. I actually wouldn’t mind per se, if she were to show it to her friends and gloat about me writing her one – I figured girls would bring it out, share with their friends and giggle over it – I’m ok with that… just don’t think I’d like to share it with anyone else though, has a lot of internal emotions in it, LOL.

      Part of the thing also is that I try to reserve a lot of privacy for bebe, because that’s the type of person she is… if she were to know that I share everything about her, that wouldn’t make her happy – and because I respect her need for space and privacy, I try to talk about private-matters sparingly. I know one could argue that even if I DID talk about her things to others, she wouldn’t find out, but it comes down to the trust she has in me that I need to oblige to and be responsible for things I do/say when it pertains to her. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve really omitted talking about bebe’s period on my blog already and only perhaps “mentioning” small details of it. Ever since she trusted me enough to “really tell me details” about her period, I’m trying to keep it in my mind only and hopefully that in turn, helps her open-up to me more because she knows I won’t just blab everything out to people about her.

      I did keep a photocopy of what I wrote to her, just so I have a keep-sake myself or in case she ever loses it and we want to show it to our kids or something 😛

      • Awww.. poop! I wz hoping u wuld let us c ur beautiful letter to bebe xDD ur so cute, kekeke. U r so respectful of her privacy meh? I guess she must b behaving if u r not snooping on her 😛 Tht’s gd, I rather her b making u happy so tht u don’t hv to constantly worry abt wt she is up to, lol. Also I suppose u waste a lot less time too fooling arnd w/ thgs 😀 I like it when I hear bebe is a gd girl too, kakaka… I’m sure u prefer her like tht too… c, when u r both being ‘good’ evry1 is happy, LOL.

        Wait, so has bebe even gotten her P yet since the last time u talked abt it? If nt then omg, she is LATE! Did u get her preg? 😆 Is there smthg u r hiding on me? Nt going to invite me to wedding leh? HAHA. Shuld try to get married b4 yummy shows or else evry1 will kno wt u did b4 marriage, kakaka. If too late tho, u shld recommend she sees dr.

        So, ne updates on bebe lately abt nethg special or wt? Seems like no update lately abt her, so evrythg must b going so smoothly u dun hv time to update blog on dates, hah. Nthg to complain abt is always gd in my books!! Hope thgs will warm up so u two can start getting out n’ doing more exciting thgs outside the house… I’m sure bebe wuld luv being able to b away now tht she has u to depend on. Ne word when she will b willing to meet frds/family of urs?

        • LOL, she did get it, just didn’t say anything about it. Like I said, if she trusts me enough to tell me things, I ought to respect her privacy. It’s just a “feeling” that I get that I need to keep-quiet on it and not tell the world every detail about her period. Maybe I’m also starting to absorb the things I’m reading from the book, about how bebe and I have different personalities and that by being a person who doesn’t push her for more information or by being overly open about everything about her, she can find even further comfort and solace in telling me things. The more I push her to become open, the more she will close up… so I feel obligated to not report the more intimate things about us into the open. If all she feels is that I report on every thing that we do together, then she’ll feel less comfortable with sharing intimate moments or conversation with me – and of course that’s not a direction I want to head in.

          I unfortunately didn’t get her pregnant… not that I’ve even GOTTEN a chance to come close to that (sigh). At least she gives me some freedom to touch her, which is already heart-felt enough… it actually helps me NOT to push her to go further just by her letting me do that, because at least I feel physically close with her. Nevertheless, it’ll be nice if she squeezes back or shows some “acceptance” of my action, but I should be happy with what I get for now 😛 I try hard to understand her point-of-view sometimes and because we are a couple who lean on the opposite spectrum of the MBTI, we both perceive each others actions very differently, even when we both “mean the best” for each other… it’s nice to understand our core dynamics a bit better 😀 I’d love to get her pregnant right now, because we’d make great parents… although that’s not exactly possible right now – or at least, not legally.. LOL.

          Nah, seems like she’s becoming quite resistant into meeting any of my family and friends. It’s frustrating nonetheless, but then if she holds her ground, I can’t force her to do it – other than ‘faking’ it and setting situations up. I’m not sure that’s going to be useful, since I’d rather her “formally” meet my family/friends – even if I don’t label her as my girlfriend which is fine, but to set-her-up to meet them when she’s not ready is just asking to be resented. A while ago she seemed to have questioned herself whether she’s ready and even “considered” the idea… because when I asked her if she wanted to attend something before, she told me she’d “need time to think about it”.. and now recently I asked her on a separate occasion, she answered pretty quickly… she’s not really making progress (or at least not visibly) in wanting to join us for events… which I’d like her to attend only to get to see me outside of a 1:1 environment and to also feel “fostered” in this relationship – because a relationship is more than just what either of us brings, but including all the people who make us who we are and bring the best out of us. Maybe she can even see the more social side of me and perhaps instill some desire for her to interact too! It’s not forcing her to “meet the family” – but rather, a way for her to see me outside of my normal ‘boyfriend’ role and for her to get to know people and engage in conversation.

          I can’t think of too much to moan about, which as you said, is a good thing. It certainly is getting warm outside, so we can do more outdoorsy things or at least get away-from-town more. Kind of a bummer that she’s been to so many places that I want to take her, since it’s not “as” exciting when you go to the same places repeatedly and the part that makes me fume the most is that if she’s been there with her friends, she’ll always end up ‘comparing’ the time she had with them versus me… when in reality, she should be enjoy it just as much, if not more, to be with me at a certain place even IF she’s been there with her friends. It’s so hurtful for me when I know that she “has more fun” with her friends and TELLS me that… just like when she ‘has more fun’ shopping with her friends than with me… everything’s more fun with them 🙄 – wish I could get rid of them, blah, lol. I hate being stuck side-by-side with her friends and being compared/contrasted… that’d be like me saying all the things I did with my previous girls that were ‘better’ or ‘more fun’ than her -_-” and that’d totally be wrong/insensitive, so she definitely shouldn’t do it with me! Also kinda sad she hasn’t worn my necklace the last few times I’ve seen her lately… I hope she didn’t lose it, lol – I should find out, haha.

          Gotta say, she’s being a really good girl lately, so I gotta find new and inventive ways of rewarding her for her cuteness and efforts 😆

  4. Come online!

    • Oops, I went shopping with the girls at work when you sent that message, didn’t get back to the office until like 3ish and then I was just too lazy to sit down and work so I went home, lol… Hope I catch you on later!

  5. Awww.. ur so swtswt thinking abt her like tht ^__^ I can c tht the book u r reading is reali helping u understand ur differences and utilize it positively! I’m sure there’s lots for both of u to learn frm it n’ the benefits will be tremendous for the direction of ur relationship. “Help” books r great when u can share it w/ each other n’ accept tht even tho both of u mite think u r “perfect” in regards, but there’s alwayz smthg u two can b working on for each other n’ learn tht we shuld alwayz b striving to b the best we can b for our partners! Nt only tht, but all these skills u learn can b applied to many other areas of life, nt just luv-relationship.

    Dun get her pregnant TOO fast, u still hv to cherish more of her periods b4 u do tht xDD Rmbr u hv to live many months w/o her getting her period if u get her preg 😆 It’s vry important she lets u touch her, coz then it’ll help dilute the feeling of discomfort. She may nt feel like letting u touch her mk her nemore comfortable, but each time u do, it’ll just help her “soften” her feelings, whether she feels it immediately or nt. Even if she’s shy or looks away whenever u touch her, it’s bcoz she’s super-shy… so girls nvr mk eye-contact when we feel embarassed subconsciously 😛

    Dun hurt ne of her frds now 😀 Dun go exploding on them n’ scaring them, haha… no threatening either xDD U want her to luv u, nt fear u, lol… only place she shuld fear u is inside the bedroom when u mk her moan n’ scream so much tht she can’t stop u frm pleasuring her 😛 It must be tough when she’s so ‘into’ being w/ her frds tht she forgets abt u, so as long as she keeps ur jealousy levels balanced out, u will mk sure u dun get angry at her frds TOO much, kekeke. It’s crazy how she can spend so much time w/ her frds – they dun even kick her out either, lol. Must b so annoying for u when she goes off n’ totally doesn’t bother keeping in touch w/ u 😦 U seem so down tht she’s nt arnd past few days. It’s like when u try to give her space, instead of recognizing u r trying to give her freedom, then she juz tk more n’ more liberties. She shuld c tht u r trying to respect her needs for space, but then also respect ur needs tht she shuld be responsible n’ keeping in contact w/ u! No wonder b4 u felt the need to track her all the time if she’s like tht >.< U can alwayz try putting GPS on her, kakaka.

    Altho her frds get a lot of her time n' stuff, dun forget it's u tht gets to snuggled up with her n' hv cute lil'babies w/ her in the future, kakakak!

    • Hrm, I don’t think I could hurt her friends, other than the fact they’re her friends and it being quite immoral, it’d be rather hard to get away with. If I did anything physical to them, bebe would for sure know it’s me, particularly anything to do with weapons, lol. I’d probably have to hire someone and it’d have to be something made to look like “an accident” or something for it to not be suspicious, haha. Also, I think most of her friends actually know what I look like too 😛 I think it wouldn’t be very useful for me to hurt them anyways, it’d be better if someone had a “talk” with them and let them know they need to stop stealing bebe’s time away from me and inviting her over all the time. In fact, I was just joking with bebe last night about how one of her friends was going to visit them tonight and then staying overnight and would likely cut into Sunday morning in which I wanted to spend with her. I mentioned it was her friends ‘fault’ jokingly and she said it wasn’t really her friends fault for taking a day we could’ve went out together and was defensive. I kind of thought to myself, well it is her fault for visiting, otherwise the Sunday would have been free… haha. But anyways, the point is, I know partially it is also bebe HERSELF who wants to go out there to be with her friends all the time (excessively), but since I can’t prevent her or persuade her to stop doing that, maybe someone needs to tell her friends that, “You guys need to stop encouraging her to spend time with you guys so much…” Hopefully that would help them ‘get the hint’… since I always want to avoid using the “or else…” statement since that’s quiet threatening, lol.

      I mean really, I understand that given I usually only spend 1-2 days a week with her, if she stayed in-town, she’d just fester at home for the whole week and certainly being with her friends have merits. My problem isn’t so much that she doesn’t stay local, but that when she’s with her friends, she is sometimes very negligent towards me (either mistakenly, or purposely, don’t know..) in terms of communication. There’s been nights I’ve left a bunch of messages for her and turned my phone off and I always get excited waking up in the morning to see her reply or even a “goodnight”. I actually enjoy seeing a “goodnight” from her even if she answers when my phone’s off and I get to see it in the morning. Also when I leave a bunch of messages the previous night, at least I deserve some sort of reply or something. So then like you said, when I try to give her freedom to show I want to not intrude into her personal space, she also pushes it more and more… because I’ll wait throughout the day when she’s on WA and yet, she won’t take the initiative to say “hi” or something, I have to message her to initiate a conversation.. she won’t just greet me or something or try to start a conversation. It’s like she becomes negligent and only pays attention to her friend’s whenever she’s out there. When she’s local however, she’ll message me and talk to me and stuff and take more of a initiative. As you can see, that’s why I’m starting to becoming threateningly resentful of her friends, because rather than being a “support” and “guiding hand” for bebe, they’re ROBBING her away from mw. I know this isn’t just her friends fault since after all, she it is also her that needs to take responsibility for GOING out there so often and then ignoring me, but still they play a huge role when it comes to how she treats me when she’s with them so often. Rather than trying to show that “she’s still thinking about me” when she’s with her friends, I get put aside and I have to be the one that says hi when she’s up or have to ask her what’s been going on. What’s so hard about her asking me how my day’s going for once? I mean this week bebe has been really making me raise an eyebrow when my messages will go unanswered for long periods of time throughout the day and like tonight, she has received my WA messages which I’ve been sending since 4PM and yet, still no reply even though she’s actively on Facebook. When she does things like that, it just triggers animosity towards her friends making me want to ‘scare’ them into perhaps not associating with bebe so often. I truly truly like bebe’s friends because they are GREAT and GENUINE friends to her, at the same time, I think they need to also consider that when they allow bebe to spend so much time with them, it is damaging the time bebe and I could be having together as well and bebe becomes irresponsible when it comes to keeping communication in-check and fairness in order. On the days that bebe keeps in touch with me despite being busy with her friends, I feel very reassured and at-peace, knowing that she still keeps contact with me while having fun. The days she ditches me behind, particularly if she’s around the house/online – then that’s when my brain starts to think up plans of how to keep her friends from tying her up all the time. I don’t want that kind of feeling because bebe’s friends is like family to her and is an integral part of her life, but she’s not helping that situation very much when she’s literally causing me to resent her friends and defends them, rather than wanting to find time to share with me as well and keeping “equality” and “balance”.

      I know that bebe isn’t dumb and if her friends were to suddenly stop inviting her over or perhaps be more distant, she’d suspect and likely know I did some leg-work. At a situation like that, those actions itself would neither help our relationship either. What I really want bebe to understand is that when she ignores me when she’s with her friends makes me feel like I’m ‘nothing’ to her and that I’m ‘just a toy’ — that’s not the feeling I want to harbour. I can understand that using your phone while out with your friends is just inconsiderate, after all, you’re there to spend time with your friends. However, she can certainly take time in the day to respond to my messages and not “keep me in the dark” all the time… because then doesn’t that just encourage to track her all the time again? If she has time to pick up the phone before heading out the door, she can just shoot over a short reply over WA or a text message just to let me know what’s happening. I never ask for some kind of report, all I ask is the same thing I do for her, “Oh hey, I’m doing ____ today” or whatever.

      One thing I suddenly thought of is when I was talking to her about “playing along” with things. Sometimes when I say things to her, when I’m jokingly flirting or whatever she gives me that cold I-don’t-know-what-to-say look… or she’ll just ignore things. I understand she’s not comfortable returning equivalent flirty replies or whatever, but there are also other things I say that she could simply play along. I don’t necessarily ask there’s truth to what she says… like when I was joking around the other day about her making a set of extra keys for me (not that I seriously would expect that at this stage) and later when we were waiting at the bus stop and she left some food at home, I then said, “Oh see, if I had your keys I could’ve gotten it and delivered it later.” and she gave me this really shitty reply, a very condescending one. I thought about how she says she just plays-along with things her friends say and most of the time, we could avoid so much coldness/arguments if she just played along. I don’t really expect her to give me a key, but all she could’ve said is, “Oh ya, sure, here’s my keys” and jokingly went to fetch it from her bag or whatever.. just to play along with things I say. In fact, that type of playfulness is all I want, I don’t even expect her to “flirt back” or tease me or anything because of her 🙄 “discomfort” — if she can play along with things her friends say, certainly she has the well capacity to do so for me… it costs her nothing to play along with me and there’s all to gain for the relationship because I don’t feel as if she will be playful with her friends but not me – again, it’s only encouraging me to act out against her friends or try to distant them away from her… If I saw the way she treats her friends in the methods she treated me, I’d feel like I’m a part of her life, an important and VALUED part, because all I want to feel is that feeling that she can just ‘go along’ with what I say, whether there is necessarily truth in it – because a lot of the time, I’m just playful and not so much like what she says about us having “different humour”… it’s just about taking the situation and walking with it!

      LOL @ your GPS statement… you never know what I do. Sometimes I just see whether she willingly tells me things or not 😛 A GPS wouldn’t be a bad idea, haha. I would’ve thought that by me “giving her space”, she’ll see that and in return also satisfy “my needs” (of keeping-in-touch and making me feel that I’m important even when she’s occupied with her friends)… she’ll just point fingers at the whole not-feeling-the-sacrifice thing, so I don’t even want to bring these things up in a conversations with her, because really, it’s about respect and politeness, not just about ‘sacrifice’…

      I had some other thoughts, but right now I just want to go play a game, so will catch up with it later!!

      • Maybe… Being a conservative girl… bebe lacks the skills to play along or flirt back.. You know.. She’s reserved in nature.. Think of it that way.. You can’t expect every girl to behave the way you expect, then that’s no thrill nor challenge 😉

        As to her friends… I really don’t get it either, I always abandon my friends for my guy 😛 Give it a little time though, you guys have been “dating” for what, a few months?

        • Hah, point taken… I’m always up for hearing point of views because “my” perspective is only one perspective. I suppose since you two grown up in a “similar culture/environment” – you can relate more than I can to her influences. I think the thing that makes me grumble is the fact that things she tells me sometimes makes me raise an eyebrow. I wouldn’t necessarily say they’re “untrue” or or contradictory, but certainly it makes me furrow my forehead to think.

          One of the long-standing thing is that she claims when she sees people to often or spends too much time with them, she gets burned out or bored of them. There’s been times we’ve spent too much time together and she’s actually gotten “angry” over that before. Oddly enough, she spends about 70% of her days since she’s returned over at her friend’s place rather than being “at home” or back here in town. I can understand that her friends work/school, so she might not be in constant-contact with them all day, but to tell me something like that makes me go, “What, really?” because what she tells me about liking some private time and about being burned out when she spends too much time with X person only seems to apply to me. Call it inequality or just straight up BS, you can see that the action matching the words seem unusual. For her to spend several weeks at her friends place, even if they’re only interacting 20% in a day is WAY MORE (I can’t think of any other way to emphasize that other than all the funky formatting) than the time we spend together.

          In a way, it’s almost unhealthy at how much time she spends with her friends. It’s weird that she doesn’t feel it herself (for maybe she denies/suppresses it) that she’s almost EXCESSIVELY and OBSESSIVELY spending too much time with her friends. Grab this example of how much time she spends with them and how OFTEN she spends time with them to someone on the street and ask them if it’s “normal” to exhibit that kind of behaviour and I think most people would be like, “oh my lord..” I totally GET that these were her roommates, that they’re her best friend and closest thing to family and also they have fun, but if you look back on my blog (and I don’t even mention it every time) that she’s not ‘in town’ and at her friend’s place, then you’ll see why I’m getting infuriated at her friends (and dangerously explosive too). I keep on biting my tongue, thinking that when she gets a job or goes back to school, this will all change… well let’s see if this will adjust/balance itself out then. I don’t want to so much as to control her, because I encourage her to spend time with her friends when it’s reasonable amounts of time… heck, I’m even the one who DRIVES her out there to spend it, so it’s not like I’m against it. I hate those people who when they start dating that they give up their friends, so certainly, I’m not those type of guys who expect her to devote every free moment in her day to me and still understand the need to socialize with our ‘own’ friends.

          I’m sure you know the concept of “yi” and “yang”… the basis of achieving balance in, particularly in life. I do not expect she will “treat me the same” per se as her friends… after all, friends are friends, and partners are partners. The type of fun that ‘friends’ and ‘intimate friends’ have are two different things. Lots of people believe that lovers need to be best friends and consequently as pointed out by experts, that is NOT true. Best friends are best friends and your partner shouldn’t be your best friend. I totally accept and love that ideal and I’d love it if the both of us within this relationship continued to foster great friendships with people OUTSIDE of the two of us. What I do desire, is that she keeps equity in mind, that is, she should THINK and REALIZE and FEEL that after spending X-amount of time with her friends that I deserve her to put some commitment and initiative to spend Y-amount of time with me, where X and Y is somewhat balanced. See, when I was seeing her once a week and she’d only see her friends once in a while, things were ok when she spent time at home. At least she could rationalize that she ‘needs time to herself’ – which reinforced her stance about needing private-time. However, when she tells me she needs private time a lot to stay focused and then goes out to her friends leaving me behind for ages, then it is a notion opposite to her claims.

          All this seems kind of unfair and yes, we all know life and especially love tends to be “unfair”. However, this unfairness which she probably knows is quite visible is becoming damaging. Rather than me thinking, “Oh, I hope bebe is having a wonderful time with her friends” – in my head, I’m thinking of all the bad and terrible things I have to cause just to get her to spend less time with them. I know I say it a lot, but I truly want her friends to be my friends one day and that I don’t want them to be robbing my time with bebe or that I’m taking their best friend away from them. Even the past few days I’m driving, I’m getting all fumed up about how much she’s been totally neglecting me in terms of trying to make opportunities for us to get together and one thing that just wants me to give drive off a cliff is the fact I find the lack of self-initiative. There’s so many things, not just this thing, I find I have to be the one to “take action” or at the very least “request it”. Think of it this way, is it more heartfelt to receive a present without asking for it or when you ask for it? Likewise, she’ll talk to me if I greet her first (as if she’s “better” than me and won’t approach me first) or I have to be the one to ask her out.

          I understand in a more traditional setting, it’s still the guy who asks the girl out, but I wish she’d actually take the time to have self-motivation to say, “Hey, we haven’t seen each other in a while, how about we get together?” … in fact, I was ready to explode this evening and I had to go shooting to blow off my stress before I could sit down and type this message. Why so? Because I’ve already mentioned to her the past 3 days that we haven’t spent much time together and it’d be nice to do something – and I always try to make it open-ended, kind of like an “offer” and as a “hint”… she’s VERY capable of picking up on that hint, she just chooses not to… and sometimes I totally feel IGNORED. I’ve made it pretty obvious, not like I’m hiding it much that I want to spend time with her and while she’ll answer other things, she just flies right past that statement. I can understand that if I made a perverse statement that she’d ignore it or be upset with it, but because of a busy weekend, we haven’t seen each other for over a week and her regular day-to-day communication with me is pretty sparse. The last “proper” conversation we had on MSN was April 28th, today is May 16th. Yes, we did have an “alternate” form of talking to each other, but it’s still not sufficient compared to the ‘devotion’ to her friends. We come to the point where I have to admit, I can’t blame this ‘problem’ solely on her friends. After all, bebe could be more understanding to satisfy my feeling of value by showing she actually cares enough to do something ‘out of the way’ to keep in touch with me. Her life revolves around her friends right now and it makes me cringe. In the end, the responsibility is still hers and the choices she’s making to be with her friend’s is her own… and I can’t say that this entire “issue” is all her friend’s fault for constantly occupying her. In fact, I’ve noticed last time from meeting her friends that they’re quite polite and encouraging when it comes to giving bebe and I time to spend on our own. They’re smart about not being a “light-bulb” – so it drills down to bebe being addicted to her friends and that bebe is EXPLICITLY making that choice to constantly go out there. She tells me they always ‘invite’ her – but I still think she needs to give opportunities to decline such invitations more often to spend time with me or to “have personal time” which she claims she needs 🙄

          Today because of all the constantly ignoring of my last few requests for us to find time to get together, I was probably half way to cracking and thinking I really need to come up with a plan to scare her friends into not spending so much time with her. I get zero pleasure from doing this – or shit, I have ZERO pleasure from even THINKING about it. In fact, it hurts my head and my heart that I would even need to contemplate it because it’s immoral and even I shake my head at myself. However, she’s pushing me into a corner where I feel her friends are giving her way too much opportunity to spend time (because let’s face it, the choice is both her friend’s AND hers…) and since there’s nothing I can ever say to bebe to be RATIONAL and tell her that the time she’s spending with them is really unfair to me and irresponsible, the only people I can act on are her friends. The only other way I could really curtail was to somehow get her blacklisted from entering the place that her friend’s live at… I wonder if a fake criminal record could prevent her from going into their building again 😄 All these ideas I have are far-fetched and while plausible, it’s not really the things I want to do/think. After all, all this could be avoided if bebe just showed me that she doesn’t just “forget” about me when she’s with her friends. Also, to put forward plans/an offer to spend time together for once, other than for the time she wants me to pick her up or whatever. I think back and that might be one of the few times she’s “asked me out” before…

          I know that if I were to ever do anything (just saying IF I ever did) to someone how prevent this excessive time her and her friends are spending together, she’ll definitely blame me and be like, “How could you think of such things?” or “How could you do something like that?” — but maybe she should also be considering her own actions and the way she treats me, rather than just concentrating on just MY actions that she pushed me into making. It’s pretty universal about girls who like to be right and will bend/shape whatever in their minds to justify it 😆 and quite honestly, there’s been a lot of times where I’ve apologized for things I wasn’t even wrong, just to drop the situation and let her win. That I don’t have a problem with, since every girl I’ve ever been with sometimes you just have to let them beat you before they feel happy, haha. Before blaming me for trying to separate them or if I ever had to get someone to “persuade” (take that however you like :P) them to give her some space in her life other than them, she could perhaps stand in MY shoes and see how I view things and how hurt I become over the precedence her friends take over me. I try hard to contain my negative emotions and anger – including today I managed to supress it, but I ask myself, how much longer? Actually I’d be more happy to ask, “How much longer before bebe can treat me with some balance like her friends?” rather than, “How much longer can she use her friends to upset me before I crack?” — I always want to view things positively such that I’d rather this come to a RESOLUTION rather than having to FORCE a resolution. I have a Muslim coworker who says something I really want to apply to this is, “Peace be upon us”… I just want bebe and I to strike a peaceful balance between “us” and her friends. Maintaining and festering hatred, anger, jealousy and VENGEANCE is a terrible thing for me to feel. When we get to a point where she realizes there’s something ‘unruly’ about the time she spends with them and how she treats me when doing so, then we’ll have made progress. In fact, I’m still waiting for an opportunity to mingle with her friend’s at-large and her to meet some special people in my life. I don’t ask we label each other as boyfriend or girlfriend, just a ‘friend’ will do just fine. Even my mom admits, even if I were to bring her over, it’s not like she’s “demanding” or “labeling” bebe as the girl-who’s-going-to-marry-my-son… it’s just a matter of getting to know people in each others life.

          Beyond all of this, I just think she needs to find some kind of target to run after, like finalizing whether she’s going to get a job or go to school, that way this questionable lifestyle can finally come to some sort of closure. I wonder if it’ll be better/worse if she ends up moving out there and even have GREATER accessibility DAILY to her friends. Positively speaking though, maybe just being so close to them, she will appreciate and enjoy the time she spends with me and perhaps will then strike a balance between school, work, friends and me. My mom asked the other day where bebe was because I said she was busy, then I told her where and even my mom asked, “she’s at her friends AGAIN?” I had no answer for her… in fact, when my mom said that, my animosity towards her friends flared at that moment. I know bebe thinks I have a temper, but so does she 😀 and I suppose the thing is, my temper is easily controlled when she makes me float on clouds. Whenever she sends me flying back down to earth, that’s when small things start to build up. Her spending time with her friends is truly a small thing, but when there’s a lack of attentiveness to me, that’s where it begins to form shape into something bigger. All these things are a vicious cycle of damage and we need to break out of that. A clear example is like if she ignores me, then I get angry at her friends, I do something to her friends, then she gets angry at me and then this cycle of crap just goes around and around. I want to help us grow positively in this relationship and also become MATURE individuals, with proper ways of solving problems and facing obstacles. I know my way of solving things and utilizing less-than-nice ways is immature on my part, but if we could both ‘grow’ a bit and learn to care for each other, then we can both grow maturely as well to handle each others nuances.

          The time she spends on MSN now almost seems like she purposefully avoids me – again, another reason why it’s so hard for me to break loose from tracking stuff she does, whether it is on MSN or otherwise. Even though I’ve purposely stayed up to like 1:30 to catch her online, she’s now going on even LATER… At least when she’s ‘in town’, she’ll come on at reasonable hours where I can catch her on and talk a bit before I sleep. I know she’s a night-owl and stuff, but then if she actually was considerate about keeping in touch with me, then she’d also come on early (as she said before, for a while she used to come on at 9-11PM to talk to me) – so by being evasive or because she’s so “busy” with HER FRIENDS (see a reoccurring theme and reason why there’s so much hatred going on?) that she doesn’t come on at a time that is decent? When she’s ‘stuck’ here, she’ll actually feel compelled to come online to talk to me, but when she’s out there, it’s like a totally different her… Quite obviously being in town is more ‘boring’ so she comes on more, I don’t think it’s asking to much to modify or segment some time for me even when she’s out in the city. I’m sure if you were friends with bebe, you’d be able to tell her how bad jealousy can manifest itself into, lol.

          I’m not perfect and neither is she, let’s accept that we’re a wonderful couple despite our differences and learn to love each other… it’s all I want 🙂

          Let’s see how this week and the coming 1-2 weeks play out, it’s going to be some important weeks coming up ^__^ , hopefully a bit of time with me will help put some weight on this side of the scale to balance things and help me recharge my positive/happy energy! Sometimes I wish I could put my weapons in an unopenable safe if she continues to use her friends to hurt me T__T — I’m trying SO SO hard not to let what she does get to me and affect how I perceive her friends, particularly because they’re not always to blame.. if only she’d take some time to analyze her own actions about how it affects me when she’s with her friends so much and neglecting to communicate in due diligence. Ack.

          In regards to the dating part, that depends on what you consider the start. I suppose 3 months if you’re talking about ‘regularly’ (however you want to define “regular”) seeing each other.

        • Nt enuf juz mk ur weapons inaccessible, also hv to 经济封锁 so u can’t buy more or hire ppl to do it… xDD Also probably need to tie u up, since u r quite good at fighting n’ can do plenty of dmg w/o weapons 😆

        • I’m not THAT strong Amy… in fact, I realize how out-of-shape I am after a few days ago I started running and working-out again, lol. Damn these stupid exercises you can’t just ‘stop doing them’ for a while, because then it comes back to bite your ass pretty fast. From what I recall, Bebe is the one who knows Taekwondo so she’s really the dangerous one, not me 😛

  6. 1. “gets bored after spending too much time with people” = she feeds you the feeling of insecurity? As in she makes you feel like you don’t matter to her, or what you need from her (more time together) is what she does not also need?

    2. Have you told her how you feel about her abandonment of you? Maybe (I don’t know, I’m not you or her) she thinks you have lots of other activities to do than spending time with her, and she thinks she is being super awesome by giving you “space” for your own activities which don’t involve her… Maybe she worries that she might end up being one of those clingy girls therefore she detaches herself from you by spending less time with you and more with her friends – to give YOU more “me time”?

    I really think you should be straightforward and honest about the way she makes you feel, rather than hinting her – because sometimes – hints just pass by. I know, ridiculous, but its always best to be straightforward rather than pending up your anger… One day it might get destructive, and you certainly don’t want that 😦

    Have a heart-to-heart talk, sit her down at MSN or face to face, up to you. Just explain to her her actions, and its effect on you. Since its bebe’s first relationship, she doesn’t have the experience to know what to take into consideration – everything is “We’ll just see how it goes” or “Well he seems happy to see me today although he was in a black mood over something I did/omitted to do, so everything’s fine now look how happy he is! He says all is fine!”.

    Give bebe the benefit of the doubt, don’t overthink for her because you will never know what’s she’s truly thinking (or, not thinking) since you are YOU, and have a separate brain from hers, lol – therefore what YOU think SHE’s thinking will never be 100% accurate. 😛

    Just talk to her. Be open about your true feelings, let her know how she affects you. She probably can’t feel for what she doesn’t realize or know 🙂

    P.s. Well I seem to be backing bebe a lot but then, I’m quite the feminist so I’ll always support the girls! 😛

    • To answer your first, there’s a degree of insecurity because she hasn’t officially declared/considers me her boyfriend. I think part of that “adds” to the reason why her spending too much time with her friends or particularly if she’s in contact with guys, much less appealing. If we were official, I’m sure the reins could be let loose without that feeling of insecurity, because then it’s an ‘established’ and ‘solid’ relationship. Freedom is a very essential part of our relationship which I’m ok with as long as that freedom feels secure behind it. Certainly seeing each other once a week is pretty tough on me, because really, don’t couples see each other the MOST within their first “burst” of dating-energy? It’s when they should be inseparable. Let’s take for instance, often before I leave, I’ll give bebe an ‘option’ and see what she says… my exact words, “Do you want me to go now?” And there hasn’t been a time where she’s said she actually wanted me to stay. I’m not sure if it’s just me being a bit sensitive, but she always has that smirk/smile thing, I don’t how to explain it other than if you see it and feel it. When I ask her that, she gives that smile/smirk and I can’t tell if it’s more of a, “I’m too shy to know how to answer properly” or “What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want you to leave!”… and it’s hard for me not to think it’s the latter, because I haven’t really heard her want me to stay or her body language shows that she wants me to linger around for 10-15 minutes or where she shares the same enjoyment of the night as I do.

      I think there is a learning curve or perhaps I need to be less sensitive towards certain body language of hers, rather than risk misunderstanding. She’s a complex girl, very different than girls I’ve dated before (sometimes frustratingly-so) and sometimes have quirks that to ME, seems like things are purposely made to be harder on me. Shit, I used to actually think the things she does to me is to actually cause me to get so annoyed/angry that I would break up with her, but one time she did say something very reassuring that got me to think differently about it. She has this “super sweet smile” versus the “you’re stupid smile” – but that is strictly how I perceive it, can’t verify it is true or not. I’ve seen genuine smiles from her and it makes me feel so warm, but when she gives me that “you’re stupid” smile, it makes me feel angry and upset, and she’s given me more of those than the genuine sweet smiles. I tend to get those smiles when I ask questions she struggles to answer or can’t find a positive answer and when I see the smile, it’s almost like a “cue” I know what the answer is. Even though I can’t see her smiles online, the tone already sets precedence… like when I asked her things last night, she’ll sometimes just totally ignore things I say or give very simple/convoluted answer, like yes, no, maybe, I guess, I see… answers like those aren’t really meant to “carry” a conversation and when I called her out on a question, she just declined to comment. When I hear or even detect the whole, “I don’t want to comment” thing – it is usually because it’s not a ‘positive’ reply therefore she chooses not to give it.

      To be honest, I am still working at grasping the content of the book I read and once I finish the last few pages, I really want to give it to bebe to read, because there is lots of learn for both of us. The book really concentrates on communication and ‘differences’ between partners who have different communication preferences. I on one hand enjoy sometimes “frivolous” conversations with bebe, while bebe enjoys “substantial” conversation – as in, the conversation must have a “goal” or some kind of “required” closure. Perhaps in time, when she begins work and particularly when she ends up in a larger organization, she’ll 1) learn to adopt more small-talk and carry on a conversation, and 2) learn the powers of a GOOD and EFFECTIVE conversation. Bebe has said many times to me, “I don’t have anything to talk to you about” and a statement like that in a context of a relationship is hurtful and perhaps as you said, she’s not aware of what to consider within a relationship setting. Perhaps for me, it is also the tone which she says that in, another failure of text-based communication, that makes me feel like I’m unimportant. For her, I suppose things are too “objective-based” and one of the personality-types that differ from mine. For her to have a conversation with me, it has to have a means of a “start” and “end” – not simply ‘a conversation’ which leads from one to another. Whenever there’s a lack of communication, it leads me into this feeling of unimportance and perhaps to her, that’s not meant to give off that sign, but to me, conversation is a way for us to foster and maintain a positive relationship.

      The feeling of unimportance is more apparent when she’s with her friends because in the past, she’s told me about her feeling about having her “own” time to herself and that she doesn’t like social-contact too much. With that said, then that should equally apply to her friends if her claims are accurate, rather than her on one hand tell me she doesn’t like being too suffocated by time spent with others, but then goes out to see her friends all the time. When I ask her to spend time with me, she will complain about the mere HOURS she spends with me in a week. That to me pounds in the words “inequality” and then it creates a hatred and animosity toward her friends, even though if anything, she should be encouraging me to accept and enjoy her friends (which I truly want). In fact, isn’t it normal to give a guy you’re dating “extra” privileges, right? Should be like you and be willing to bend and give up time with your friends to be with him. It isn’t like I don’t see that she has done that for me, I have a feeling that she came back into town this week and kind of surprized me was to do just that, just when I compare the amount of time she spends with her friends versus me, it just really stabs a knife in my heart, when it’s contrary to her needing time alone. She does let me see her once a week regularly, but I just wish she’d (again) take initiative to take steps forward rather than me having to drag her along. I think to see each other twice a week now should be reasonable, one time on the weekend for a longer period and a shorter period during the weekday. It’s not like she’s “super busy” right now so before she becomes super busy, it’d be nice to take advantage of it. However, I get resistance and complains if I ask for more time and it sucks that she won’t be the one who will step out and say, “Hey, I think we can spend a bit more time together now” to be the one who initializes something.

      I try to encourage her to accept me, feel that “cuteness” within me to be willing to sacrifice and take steps forward. I know it’s tough for her, just as it is tough for me not to be able to grasp the concept of how she can hurt me at times. I know a lot of the times it’s something she doesn’t seen and doesn’t understand how much it affects me, sometimes small things, sometimes big things and I think when she becomes accustomed to what a “relationship” is like, I can begin to share these things with her. For now, I feel that if I share any type of “let’s sit down and talk” or “this is how I feel…” scenarios, all it will result in is her thinking about how we’re “incompatible” and “shouldn’t be together” or something like that. Suffice to say, at the current moment, I’m the one at a disadvantage here in terms of being able to “express” things because when I do, it will only be used by her to fuel her negativity towards the relationship. When she becomes more mature in a relationship setting and understand the idea of “differences” (which doesn’t relate to incompatibility, but an expression of feelings/desires), we can truly sit down and discuss, without leading into, “Ok, this is not working” because that is exactly what will happen if I say something that is “contrary” to what she ‘wants’. Yes, instead of feeling relaxed and on-top-of-the-world, sometimes I actually feel FEAR of her, because she knows she’s the one “in control” of this relationship and inevitably, “in control” of me… and that really, she can bend me however she wants because she ‘can’… I just hope that in turn, leads her to understand my undying devotion and unconditional love for her and that inspires her to ‘feel’ for me. I know it’s silly to ever let a girl do whatever and treats you however she wants without repercussion, but because she’s the type of emotionally-frigid girl, the only way for her to know how to treat a love-partner properly is to SHOW her how she is supposed to be treated, feel it herself, by someone who loves her very much.

      When it comes to her misunderstanding me about how much time I need with her, which should not be the case. She knows quite well that she feeds my happiness and that my desire is to spend more quality time with her. I also want to inspire some creativity and excitability in her – because I find that no matter what I do, she doesn’t seem excited or pleased, almost like I’m wrong with everything I do. When I go over, she sometimes does boring things like fill her paperwork out and stuff like that, to me it’s fine, because couples don’t have to spend every moment ‘interacting’, but at the same time, she doesn’t show enthusiasm when with me, almost like she’s constantly bored. I border between ‘exciting’ and ‘unexciting’, so if she wants to be so stuck-up and show that she’s bored, then SHE can come up with something ‘better’ to do. Kind of like when she talks to me, you can tell when she begins to trail off with “one word” replies (I absolutely hate those, as much as she hates me talking perverted), then why don’t you for once come up with something “excitable” to talk about rather than implying your boredom with me? If she can’t come up with anything, then she should also understand how much effort I have to put in to come up with ‘new’ things to talk about. Of course she’ll defend herself by saying she “doesn’t have the mood” or “don’t have anything to talk about” when I challenge her to come up with something to talk about. Certainly we all have things that make us super-excited and that’s not possible to satisfy each-and-everyone, but I think when you’re in a relationship, there’s politeness and POSITIVITY in just showing that you’re excited, shit, even when she’s filling out paperwork, I try to say/do/express my excitability just being with her, rather than mope about how she’s not paying attention to me and doing paperwork while I’m over. It’s all about showing the other person that their presence ‘matters’! By acting excited or pleased, it gives people a feel-good feeling that is much better than her constantly showing her ‘boredom’. When you’re sad and you smile, it may very well GENERATE more happiness that in turns makes you happy. Even when she pisses me off, I might show my distaste for a brief moment, but then I go back to being smiley, excitable and stuff, that way, hopefully the happiness actually goes to her and then back to me! Being interconnected and sharing happiness together is a wonderful thing, despite our current mood.

      With how sparse our contact is, I wouldn’t even call either of us anything close to being clingy. In fact, I constantly have to tear my brain out to GET her to contact me, she’s not one of those who will take initiative and say, get up in the morning and send/call me and be like, “Hi, I’m awake, good morning/afternoon” or whatever. I don’t think she realizes that all these “small things” that you can do during the day, really helps to cheer a person up or just to let them know you’re still on her mind. These are considerations that hopefully in time, she will learn to understand. I always wonder why with all the time she spends with her friends (and that’s a shitload of it) and especially the friends who already have a partner, why she doesn’t absorb any of these things from them. Then it also comes down to if she does absorb it, she still doesn’t ‘feel’ it enough for me to apply it. This is a major hurdle, trying to break down barriers and motivate her to feel that love inside her for me. If all she had here to depend on was me, rather than her friends, then she’d be more likely to recognize some sort of emotional/physical dependency on me. She does let me pamper her, spoil her and take care of her more often, but I still see that barrier she likes to keep about how much/what I help her with that is still to my disdain sometimes. When she does decline my help, the way she does it makes me feel very hurt, because it is usually in such a way that there’s a very negative spin to it. Maybe it’s the way she communicates, the word she chooses, the tone she expresses it in or perhaps just the fact that she seems so “indifferent” about everything. There’s many ways to answer the same question and when the tone is humorous or light-hearted, it’s much easily taken, because it always sounds she’s “rough” with me JUST because it is me.

      I’d love to be straightforward with her, but then again, whenever she’s straightforward with me, it tends to be utterly cruel. For me, I try to make sure what I say is “soft” and won’t dig into her heart, but there’s been things she’s said before when trying to be ‘straightforward’ that isn’t planned well on how it comes out of her mouth and you of all people should understand how much words can hurt very deeply. Consideration of what you say is a big thing, not even in a relationship aspect, but even in a social or career-networking aspect. I have a feeling she’s actually more likely to more careful about what she says to others, but not me, knowing she can ‘get away with it’ or because she knows there are things I dislike, don’t want to hear but knows those words can drill down into me easily. Seriously, I’m at her mercy… and bebe knows it well she can control me how she sees fit. I suppose women like that very much don’t they? The feeling of power is overwhelming… lol, especially over their partner. Because I’m a very patient person and there’s a lot I can tolerate, some of the things like her one-word replies, harshness to me with her words/expressions, acting like she’s never pleased/excited about anything I do – all make me feel in your words ‘destructive’. The phrase, “with power, comes great responsibility” is very true. It might be very fun that she can exert so much power over my life that I’m willing to change so many aspects of who I am; just to suit her needs. With that said, that power needs to managed appropriately, for it is like an animal, feed it, pet it, love it a bit… and it’ll be your loyal and best friend forever… abuse it, and it becomes not-so-friendly. I love analogies, lol… I think I should’ve became a poet or something 😀

      Because I’m very vocal and expressive about my feelings, there’s no need for her to really ‘perceive’ anything I’m thinking. I practicality tell her everything that’s on my mind or how I feel. Unlike her “closed book” approach, I’m an “open book” and perhaps even sometimes tell her more than she wants to know, lol. I’ve tried sharing things with her before and she doesn’t seem to give too shits, which obviously to me is a very hurtful thing. Just like yesterday I was going to share one of the dreams I had about her (non-sexual dream) and she said she’s not interested. This goes back to the whole “showing interest in what your partner has to think/say” but it was pretty much stopped dead-in-the-tracks once she showed no interest. Does she even have an interest in anything I say or do? Sometimes respect just goes with ‘hearing someone out’ – because I’m sure if her friends had something to say to her, she’d listen and not just shut them out. These things I can’t “verify” so I can’t hold it against her, but certainly, I’d put $5 on that if her friends were to open up the same topic as I would, she wouldn’t have said she’s “not interested” in hearing what I wanted to talk about versus if her friends were to broach the same topic.

      There are times I’ve mentioned that she’s made me super-excited or made me super warm. There are times when we have conversations so engaging, it almost seems like we don’t know where the time went or that even she’s so “into” the conversation that she doesn’t want to leave. Those are the type of scenarios and environments I want to duplicate… when we had brunch and then a dinner out in the city, we talked-talked-talked and she didn’t seem ‘bored’ and it really shone through how much she was enjoying time with me. It takes effort on both sides to maintain good contact and relationship, including sometimes changing to what we’re “accustomed” to, because compromise exists outside of just romantic-relationships, but extends into every aspect of a normal lifestyle. I agree with your idea of giving her the benefit of the doubt, since I cannot read her mind and heart. She’s complex when she’s moody and simple when she’s not. The times where I’m able to put a smile on her face and she seems so relaxed, I’m super happy and passive. Whenever she’s moody and starts to give me attitude or make situations more complex than they need to be, that just makes me aggressive and try to push her even more. This is the “cycle” I was talking about; we need something to break the cycle of negativity. Just like in our city, we have a major poverty problem and one of things that were brought up is that if you’re poor, then your kids will be poor, their kids will be poor and so on, until a situation is able to break that cycle of poverty. Likewise, if she’s being mean to me, I’ll fight back, then she’ll fight back and all we do is continue down that line of negativity. I try to “drop arguments” or simply “make peace” (regardless of who is right or wrong), since there’s no positive influence from trying to ‘out do’ each other.

      I actually don’t think it’s bad you’re backing her up, what you’re doing is giving me insight from another point-of-view. Supporting her is not really an issue either, just as I wish to support her and be the guy who stands by her forever. I want to be able to express myself openly without being judged or her arriving to “decisions” based on things I tell her. I find it hard to talk to her about subjects relating to the relationship because then it just gives her “more reasons” to give up and that’s obviously not what I want. Honesty is tough in this relationship partially because I know she hides a lot from me, just as I will go out-of-my-way to find those things she hides from me. I’m not oblivious to other accounts she uses for things or that she tries to stay offline thinking that’s the ONLY way I have of finding out if she’s actively online or up, I just prefer not to point out every little thing to her. I’ve tried to achieve honesty by being upfront with her about things I do, things I’m interested in, all the methods she can get-in-touch with me, rather than using the whole “privacy” thing as an excuse. I found a very motivational quote on privacy, “While privacy is held up as one of our highest values, people also constantly share information about themselves by allowing others to see their faces, learn their names, learn what they own, and learn what they think. In fact, it is a desirable lack of privacy that allows people to interact with one another socially and in business.” And I’ve bolded the part that I felt were applicable. Bebe knows about every email I own (except the one I use for spam mail that I don’t even check, haha), my address, my phone numbers and social-contact-places and have even access to pictures I don’t share with anyone other than my family – THAT’S the place she is held in my heart and highest regards, just as I should be seen as someone she can trust information with. The more she hides, the more she arouses suspicion and a need to be “invasive” for me. I can’t remember if I ever told you the whole fridge story. My uncle/aunt had this fridge that they were trying to get rid of, it was in working condition so they put it on the curb with a sign that said it was working and free to take. For weeks, no one took it. So they changed the sign hoping someone would ‘buy’ it from them, said it was in working condition and to pay $50. A day later, it was stolen. See the whole idea of leaving something out in the open and it will not matter, once you “make it precious” (such as keeping secrets/questionably withholding things), then there becomes an even greater strive for it. It’s kind of a family joke now with how people will always feel something is ‘of value’ that it suddenly becomes a more in-sight target.

      OH OH, but I do have to tell you something that has made me smile for the past few nights. When we were watching a movie together and I had my arms around bebe, for once (and several times during the night, happy-happy!!), she actually scooted inward, closer to me. She used to always “shift away” or practicality sit where she’s almost “ready to fall off the bed” whenever I got close to her… now she’s actually moving towards me ^_^ Obviously I’m not sure whether that is just coincidental movement, but it made me feel very warm that she’d move closer to me now. I was just so tired of her coldness and distance she tries to place, but that made the night great! I suppose in a case like this, I do try to give the benefit of the doubt and choose to see it positively 😛 She’s not quite at the point where she’d willing to rest herself on me, put her head on my shoulders or tuck herself in between me, but hey, either way it “costs” nothing for her to do it and there’s all to gain for me/us 😆 I’m happy she surprized me by coming back into town (if that was her intentions, although she never seems to tell me ‘why’ she does things… guess she’s more low-profile than I am, hehe), but then it’s nice that she has time away from her friends and closer to me! She’s so cute, I love my bebe, weehh!! 😳

  7. That’s deep, I can see how much you care for her.

    1. She does PAPERWORK when you’re around?!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!
    As frigid as I may be back then, I would never deliberately be “busy” around people I like, like a boyfriend or even friends… No matter how busy, if I had a human being in the same room as me, who came all the way just to see me, I’d make sure I give them full attention!

    2. Nothing to talk to you about
    Meh, can’t always duplicate exciting conversations! Some people just don’t bother about the small happenings so they don’t bother to talk about it – or, because of limited social contact (she’s still a student, not working, didn’t take up part-time jobs where she can meet many people?), she really has nothing of interest to talk about – not that she doesn’t want to talk to you, or doesn’t take the initiative to think of things to talk about! I’ve been there, I really couldn’t think of anything! Really!

    In times like these, fill in the time with movies (at her place, or yours, not the cinema – lots of opportunities for cuddles!), play games (scrabble, chess, monopoly, PS3?), or just plain enjoy the silence! It doesn’t always have to be exciting when you meet her – it can be quiet but equally lovely. Don’t put pressure on her or yourself to talk all the time – if you can establish comfort in silence, it can be better than talking 🙂

    Comfortable silence is great, not awkward silence, if you get what I mean 🙂

    • I think the attention span thing is more about who she is, rather than specifically around me. I can tell she’s one of those people who don’t seem to be able to fully concentrate on a single matter unless it is super pressing… a procrastinator or just easily distracted. She’ll play a game while she watches a movie, so she’s neither “fully” concentrating on the game, nor the movie. I’m not particularly angry about her lack of attentiveness to me in terms of this though, since that’s just what she does even when I’m not around, she’ll do too many things all at the same time. I suppose also, the movie we watched this time wasn’t “super” engaging, so even I was kind of getting shifty and she started poking around on her laptop. Like you pointed out, I mean it is kind of rude for her to be paying attention to other things while I’m over, but I can marginally accept that. The paperwork thing is not too bad for me, since it’s nice that we “do our own things” while I’m over. I’ve said before that when I’m over, I don’t feel like she has to devote every moment to me, we can enjoy doing our own thing which helps us be more relaxed with each other.

      The thing is though, with so many days that she has to herself, I wonder WHY of all times she chooses to do paperwork, I’m over. With the 4 days she’s sitting around doing shit all, why couldn’t she have done paperwork then? I just want her to for a time, think about standing in my shoes for a moment and see how I view this. How does it make a person feel when I come over and then she has her back turned to me doing paperwork when yet, she has had so much other time to do it. Why not save the paperwork for when she’s at her friend’s house either? So she won’t dare to be rude to her friends, but is rude to me… hrm… Sometimes when I need to use my phone to do some work or whatever, I’ll tell her and or even apologize that I need to check something. She spent like a good 20-30 minutes while we were watching the movie together doing something with her school books, I think she was looking something up or trying to sell it or whatever, I wasn’t paying attention to the exact thing, but she was wandering all over the room instead of being next to me. That fucking made me want to explode, because it’s so FUCKING INCONSIDERATE. Like what kind of message are you trying to send to me, we’re watching a movie and you’re busy doing other “non-critical” (probably) thing? If it was important to do, sure, at least tell me or be like, “hey sorry, I had to take care of something important” – but after she finished, she sat down next to me again as if nothing happened and it was “totally ok” for her to just deviate from what she was doing before.

      She can come up with all these “discomfort” and “don’t feel” and “not ready to sacrifice” excuses 50,000 times over, yet, it doesn’t justify just basic hospitality. I’m very happy she’s letting me be physically intimate with her, so that’s perhaps why I hold my breath from exploding and the effort she has to put in to force herself to be accepting of my touch is good. Yes, I’m still a bit miffed about her not “returning” that intimacy, because she’ll never be the one to take the initiative to touch me and other than through hugs, she’s never ‘matched’ my actions. If I go to hold her hands, she won’t change the grip of her fingers. You know, when people hold hands, usually one will initiate and the other will grasp a bit tighter. For her, it almost seems like her fingers are limp or something, I’ll get all my fingers around hers and her fingers will dangle there. I’m not sure whether this is like you said her inexperience with knowing how to act within a relationship, or a lack of motivation/feel on her part. I know there’s still discomfort on her part in “receiving me” as a boyfriend, but things like that is starting to get to me.
      All this is starting to wear down my patience and yes, I do love her very much, but you can only push a person so far and expect them to constantly sacrifice for you, without “giving” something in return. She “thanks” me a lot for my actions, but that’s too much of a highlight of general friendship, SHOW me you care for me, SHOW me you want to accept me, SHOW me we’re more than just some male and female friend – that’s much more thanks than words of thankfulness. I know if I were to express this to her, it would only reinforce her presumptions about how we won’t make a good couple, so that’s why I just hold my breath. I mean with the whole holding hands things, I was thinking how annoying it was she doesn’t even squeeze back and I don’t mean she needs to squeeze tightly the entire time, but just to “acknowledge” my action and her receipt of the firmness. I’ve tried lightly squeezing before just to get her to do it back, but no. I was in fact so annoyed I just wanted to squeeze really hard to see if she’d get the frigging hint. I’m not sure if she was paying attention, lol, but I had to prevent myself from doing that by taking a deep breath, haha. Paired with the whole waltzing around the room playing with her books, laptop and shit like that, she was pushing me to the edge of asking her where her manners were. I know she may blame me for me being angry or something, but gee, I wonder why when it seemed like you didn’t even recognize my existence?

      Backing up a bit when you talked about the feeling of insecurity she gives me extends beyond the relationship, but even me as a person. I find when I talk to her or holding her or whatever, she never looks at me. I think it’s pretty normal to make eye-contact with a person when you speak to them, and whether it’s a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, friend or even someone off the street, avoiding eye-contact is just downright impolite because it shows you aren’t paying attention to them. Certainly there are times when not maintaining eye-contact is legitimate, like when I’m driving I wouldn’t be looking at her all the time while talking, but when you’re at a restaurant or sitting next to each other, there’s no reason not to have reasonable eye-contact. Suffice to say, this makes me feel very self-conscious and insecure about the way I look. I realize I don’t have the most attractive look and bebe has already told me I don’t have that “cute” value that makes her feel for me, but I’m also not that repulsive to look at. If she thinks I’m ugly, there’s a LOT of people in this world she’ll one day see who are worse than me and what happens if these are people she’s going to school, working or otherwise seeing on a daily basis, will she not look at them? When I hold her, she doesn’t look at me either and this might be the whole being-too-shy thing, but when she doesn’t look at me, it makes me feel so terrible about myself that she can’t even bear to look at me or something. I used to be quite the looker and admittedly gone downhill since I got fat (but that was even before I met her), so I’m already conscious about my image, let alone have the most important girl in my life feel she can’t even look at my face without puking or something.

      Conversely, I spend a lot of time looking at her when I talk, admiring her physical beauty and overlooking things that people might otherwise complain about. Neither of us are the most beautiful person in the world, but at the same time, we’re not so repulsive where we can’t even face someone. Working in such an open industry, there’ve been plenty of people who I’ve seen who are quite unattractive, but even so, I give them my attention and politeness when I speak to them to look them in the eye to show that I am concentrating on them. I know that men and women universally all like someone hot they can look at, undoubtly so, I’m sure bebe would prefer a more “sexy” and “good-looking” guy than me, however, let’s look at the population as a whole and ask ourselves how many of these men and women are super-attractive and would catch the eye of everyone? Certainly, not many – coming to the conclusion that given so many couples and married individuals in this world, not every one of these couples are married to an insanely attractive person and what is more important, is that these couples recognize the beauty of each other beyond physical means.

      I try hard to improve my outward appearance, working out and pushing my body to things I would have never thought of doing. I want to slim down and get rid of those love-handles and take care of myself more, but I can only change who I am so much, next to getting my body and face completely reworked. I show that I appreciate bebe’s beauty, flaws included, by my gaze (not about staring at her boobies or bum or between her legs) and let her know she’s beautiful. I do not expect her to compliment me, but it is of great concern that she cannot look me in the eye to talk and beyond attraction; it is a matter of RESPECT and DIGNITY. Other than who I am on the outside, certainly there must be qualities that would otherwise make me attractive to her, because I love her on both inside and out. Even my mom said to me, you love a person for who they are and what they are, not what they look like TODAY. What if today, I am out of shape, but later on I thin down and get that body back, should I go for another girl simply because I can compare up to them now? Of course not! My heart will not change simply because of my physiques, because I did it for her. Likewise, every time she doesn’t look at me, it’s very insulting and frustrating – and if she tells me it is because she doesn’t “feel” that way yet, how does that justify it? You mean, you don’t “feel” like showing someone respect (particularly me)? I don’t expect her to look me in the eye and tell me she loves me today, but I do expect some kind of reciprocation, small or large, at least it’s something that makes me feel important over her friends. When I have to constantly remind myself her friends are more important than me, I want to hang them by their feet over a cesspool.

      Certainly I try to give her self-confidence and make her assured that my heart is with her, regardless of whether we look like the models and movie stars. In my eyes, she is a wonderful girl deep down and moreover, that beauty permeates and makes me love and crave for her body, because her body is an extremity of what she is on the outside. Maybe if she began to recognize all the beauty and strengths of who I am and spent less time dwelling on my “faults” and “things she can’t stand” – she’d learn to love me a bit more and accept who I am. I try not to reaffirm all the ‘problems’ that I nit-pick on in front of her, just as she should not be reaffirming every moment what a terrible person I am that she can’t even look at me or try to escape my grasp as if I’m some kind of monster. The crazy thing is when you recognize and believe in the beauty you see, your body naturally reacts accordingly. Even sometimes when I sit beside bebe, I’ve gotten hard, LOL. I don’t even think of anything sexy in particular, but just sitting next to her makes me so excited, feel so lucky to have her and wish I could give her everything she ever wanted!! 😀

      Nevertheless, I mean it’s not that I don’t think she’s definitely letting me get away with a lot more. Even though she doesn’t “return” any of my touches, she allows me to at least do what makes me feel close to her. However, despite her “leaning away” from me which I’m kind of sick-and-tired of and I also know that when we are close together, she’ll also reposition her body more often or sit in a way where I can’t manoeuvre. I really enjoyed it when we watched the movie together; I had my arm around her and she actually LAID BACK for once, rather just sitting up-right. It was really sweet and at that moment, all that anger, frustration and hatred went away and I was defused, lol. I mean she really does know how to keep me “calm” most of the time, she knows that certain things I really like and she’ll let me do them as to not flare my temper. Unfortunately there are still some things that she does to me sometimes that I feel is very inconsiderate or maybe she doesn’t feel it is, but that has to do with exposure to relationships and what she herself deems suitable/unsuitable – just that I know that generally certain actions/expressions would be seen as being inconsiderate, but then it’s also my responsibility as an “experienced” boyfriend to tell her how I feel. However, I often find that if I do express these things, she’ll see it as “criticism” and in a bad way, other than her thinking, “If he says ____, then maybe I should work on improving myself by doing ____.” It’s hard for her to accept criticism when it comes from me constructively or objectively, because if I say it, it is “wrong”… how typical-girl 😄

      I do get yelled at her a lot for generalization or for jumping to conclusions, but certain actions and stuff, can you blame me for jumping to conclusions or believing in generalizations? LOL. I mean these are humanistic things, not that I do it purposely to her 😛 And after all, when I jump to conclusions, I usually have things to “back it up” as to how I arrived at that conclusion in the first place, it’s not like I base it off of groundless things. I know it’s very hard for people not to assume things or to “think in place of someone”… I truly can’t ‘speak on behalf’ of bebe since only she knows what she’s thinking/feel/does and the reasons why she does certain things. I’m sure there’s plenty of reasons why bebe sometimes does things she knows I dislike or won’t simply “go along” with things I do, just that at the same time, that sometimes seems like she’s resisting the opportunity to progress into the relationship. Likewise, I was really happy that this time when I dropped her off at her friend’s place, her friend actually poked her head out to wave to me. It seems like an extremely small thing, but it was very nice of her to do! In which case, it kind of feels like bebe is withholding her friends more than her friends are actually “unwilling” to spend time with me. I’ve offered up many opportunities for bebe to invite her friends out and I never ask she refers to me as her boyfriend, only to spend time with them. She’s made up many excuses for them, rather than letting them make their own decision whether they want to join.

      I just asked on the drive out with her and she began speaking on behalf of her friends and although I realize the language thing poses a challenge, it is a challenge which is highly possible to overcome. First of all, my adeptness at Mandarin will only improve if I hear it or even try using it enough and become immersed in it. Likewise, I have a friend dating a white-guy who knows little of Cantonese; yet, she will spend the time translating things for him when we talk. Why is she not willing to do this? It shows the lack of ‘care’ and ‘commitment’ into helping us along and rather, just avoids having her friends and I have contact. She should be encouraging me to take part in “her life” and at least unlike this white-friend, I have at least “some” knowledge of the language and could decipher things. Likewise, at least I can answer things in Cantonese since they understand, even if not speak it well. Of course since Mandarin isn’t my native or fluent language, I may take longer to process things they say, but it’s a very shitty excuse to use her friends and language as a “shield” for connecting with them. I’m not retarded and I see through these things she does, despite her probably taking me for a fool or something. She needs to take some interest into meeting my friends and family, let alone be trying to separate her friends from me, despite them perhaps having an INTEREST in meeting me.

      Everything comes down to her willingness and it’s not that I doubt her efforts, certainly she’s putting it in, but I think there needs to be more drive in terms of consistency. Something like this is just like working out (and consequently my problem with working-out, lol), once you start and if you want to get something out of it, you have to keep on going. If you pause and let it derail, then you end up getting nowhere and have to start again to see results. Each time you “bounce” from trying hard and lazying off, it gets harder and your body gets more out-of-shape. Likewise, there are times where she makes “immense” efforts and there are times when she slacks (again, these lack of motivation thing worries me, and not just for relationship, but about getting things done in a timely manner as well). She still ignores things I ask/say which really isn’t helping and I don’t know why she feels ‘right’ doing it… like on Sunday I asked her a question in which she just wandered off. Even to now, she hasn’t given me a straight reply. Shit like that fucking pisses me off to no end, because it’s indicative of rudeness and while this question might’ve been “questionable” – there’s been other times I’ve asked her things she’s skipped over. Sometimes I wonder if she’s like… blond deep-down, air-headish, LOL! Either she sometimes just skims too fast to read what I write, too absent-minded when she replies that she forgets what else I asked her or the worst case scenario is that she purposely does it.

      I find she won’t take “lessons” from me, so I can’t wait until one time she gets told by a co-worker or a boss or something. It seems cruel, but I think someone needs to lay down some “social etiquette” rules with her or ways of “appropriate communication” because to me, she’s all tough and hard with me, but if a boss were to tear into her, she’d probably cry her eyes out from the pressure and defeat. It seems like with me, because I can be taken advantage of and I’ll easily ‘cater’ to her and not yell at her that she knows I won’t do anything about it (or so she thinks, ‘til it happens, muha). Each time I feel I need to set her into her place, I keep on whispering in my head that I need to unconditionally love her… sometimes it’s like teaching a little kid and just gritting your teeth and let them do whatever until they realize you were right all along, heh. I mean I scratch my head over if things are a coincidence. Like just a few minutes ago I messaged her to say hi and she told me she was leaving. So all this time, how come you couldn’t have messaged me just to say hi or ask how work is going? Why do I have to initiate the conversation, do you think you’re too good for me to contact me or something? And why is it when so many times I do contact her, she just HAPPENS (you’d be surprized how often) to be “leaving the door”. She generates a lot of suspicion with the things she does and I don’t think she realizes how I view it and why even AS A FRIEND, she won’t ‘start’ a chat with me but wait for me to contact her and ‘leave.’ She comes from a well-off family and mannerisms as a core value, I cannot believe for the life of me that 問非所答 is something her parents would’ve taught her or endorsed as being “proper.”

      The past while I’ve been getting more and more on-the-brink of doing something extreme because of all these things that make me raise an eyebrow. Things particularly revolving around her “giving” something back to me or showing that she wants to at least give something back. Is it the inexperience that sometimes she doesn’t know how to act appropriately or is it actually her PREVENTING HERSELF from expressing it? Are sometimes follies overlooked by her because to her, they don’t seem important enough to pay attention to the hints? I asked her about the necklace I gave her because I was worried she lost it and she told me she’d put it back on because she keeps on forgetting. I should get her earrings because she wears those all the time (that I see her at least), so then what will her excuse be then? I did say that I was just concerned and didn’t require her to wear it all the time, but if she actually 在意 how I feel or that it’d make me FEEL NICE if she wore it when I saw her, it’d be nice. See, what I get confused is whether she truly doesn’t understand these things or whether she CHOOSES to neglect it. If it’s innocent and honest mistakes/follies, then sure, but it’s purposeful, then it is bound to flare me up. I put up with a lot of shit, when is she going to start showing some sort of acceptance of my love? However, before I start freaking out, I actually just watched a little snippet of Ellen Degenerus (whom bebe and I love to watch) and the dialogue was about people who choose to not accept homosexuality and how she treats me. She said something along the lines of that she doesn’t judge these people for their thoughts/actions, because that would sink her to the same level as them (to judge others actions/choices). Likewise, she’s going to be herself, be a genuinely good person and lead a positive lifestyle that it would inspire people to change their thoughts about her (and homosexuality). I think of it and it’s how I want to “inspire” bebe into loving me. Being forceful, being a dick and constantly being on her ass about things aren’t going to help. What I CAN control and CAN do is to be me, who truly, deeply and madly love her. I can’t control what she does or who change who she is, but by demonstrating myself as a suitable guy for her, she can then learn to love me for who I am as well. I wonder how much time she spends thinking how I am worth loving versus the time she things about how we’re “not a match”… interesting statistic but we’ll never figure that out 😆

      Communication when she’s around her friends still is like a dangling dagger right now. As I said, when she’s with her friends she’s so busy that I become “2nd priority” for her (if even 2nd) and like she’s always stepping out with her friends whenever I message her. I mean, I try not to message her too early because then she could still be sleeping, but she also won’t “see” that I’m trying to respect her sleep and not saying anything to me when I wake up. So that means my communication with her when she’s with them is, “Hi bebe.” And “I’m leaving now” – and like today, I was jokingly mentioning how that because there was a change in her plans, it means she likely wouldn’t be home for two weeks. She ALWAYS does that and skips over things I say, probably because of her bullshit, “no comment” or “don’t know how to reply” fucking excuses. Well THINK of something reasonable to reply with, just don’t leave it ‘up in the air’ or wait, are your friends so important that you can’t spare the 5 seconds it takes to type a reply that makes me feel better and make my day better. It costs how many more seconds and does it cost you anything to cheer me up? She may feel that she doesn’t “feel the same” about me or whatever junk, but if you had an opportunity to make someone else HAPPY at not “sacrifice” to you, why not do it? Selfishness or all you care about is your friends? Do I have to cripple your friends so they can’t leave the house for a few weeks, cut the ignition on their car or snap the break lines so that they can’t preoccupy you before you PAY ATTENTION TO ME? In the end, do I seriously need someone to threaten them to scare them to decline them letting you stay at their place before I’m actually of “importance”? Like stop pushing me into a corner that I have to resort to being such an asshole and don’t blame me IF I end up doing it because you’re the one who caused it in the first place. I love her, I really do… but you also have to learn what is called “give and take” and that I don’t want us 10 years down the road looking back and have her regretting that we could’ve been together and wasted it and ended up with someone (or no one) we knew we could’ve had a better life for each other. Perhaps part of her MBTI personality is the fact she likes to keep her options “open” and that rather than immediately settling for me, she wants to keep to the fact it’s possible that some guy may come along ‘better’ than me or offer her that ‘feel’ that will whisk her away, rather than commit to each other. However, that guy is probably short of me pulling him into a dark alley and ‘chatting’ with him or perhaps wants his live-body thrown out to sea. Now that I’m “with” her, I definitely don’t go off thinking that I want to keep my options open or would imagine myself with anyone other than her. In fact, there’s NO ONE ELSE I would rather be with and even though there may be other girls who would be ‘possibility’ – I sure as hell don’t consider it. The lyrics to a favourite song of mine is something I truly want to avoid by bebe, we should learn to appreciate what we have in front of us and stop being blind to how much I care for her and realize that sometimes when things present itself, the opportunity won’t be here forever…

      “找對人 偏錯過
      直到開始想喜歡我 
      直到終於不喜歡我”

      I wish sometimes you could share your experiences with bebe, about what happened between you and your boytoy, because she won’t take my word about it on how she should really appreciate me. Certainly, you regret how you treated your ex and how now things won’t be the same despite now you realize how great he was. I really don’t want this to become a reality for bebe, I don’t want to end up with some girl in place of bebe and I don’t want her to be with a guy who I know I could’ve treated bebe better. I know everyone always wants the “love at first sight”… to fall in love with this guy who you are head-over-heels, but when in reality, does he truly provide everything that’s necessary in a relationship? So sure, you have the “feel” and shit, maybe even “horny” – but how long will that carry you into a functional relationship? You can fuck the shit out of each other, kids popping out left, right and center, but will he be a good father, will he be a good representative of the family? While bebe may not ‘feel’ for me, I can say I make a good boyfriend, will make a good husband, will make a good father and be a GREAT role model within her family structure. I too, believe bebe is great as part of my family unit as well.

      I certainly think that bebe can show off some 風騷ness sometimes. I asked her in the past whether she dresses differently for me and she’s said no. I can accept that, after all, we’re individuals and all have our own dressing preference. My thought is, “if you don’t complain about the way I dress, then I don’t complain about yours” and certainly has been our stand for as long as we’ve known each other. The only reason why I asked her that was I noticed as a woman becomes more “involved” with a partner, they will tend to mold the way they dress towards that person. I’ve definitely dressed neater for bebe and stuff and wonder when she’ll feel 風騷 enough to dress in something different for me. I’ve actually found as large as her selection is of clothing, I’ve only ever seen her wear a rotation of 4 shirts and almost always the same pair of pants. Bebe has a great body and some changes in the pants she wears would definitely help. Her shirts are quite ok, although I find on days she goes to her friend’s place, she actually will dress nicer/different for them, but not for me. Again, whether this is a coincidence or purposeful, only she would know. I like the shirts bebe wear, they’re not revealing but even if not, I sure as hell get beautiful sights of her body 😀 I only asked her whether she changes her closet for me is to see how willing she is to modify her dress-style for me, not because I require her to. I know many girl-friends who definitely changed the way they look to suit their boyfriend and I tend not to have very high requirements for the way my girlfriend’s dress because I like giving them their own choices, at the same time, it “shows” when a girl will try to dress something special for the guy because she KNOWS he will like it. This itself comes down to willingness to sacrifice which apparently I’m not “deserving” of yet from bebe. It’d be nice if I came over and she would ask me what I’d like her to wear or at least give me 2-3 choices before she leaves with me to change into a shirt I like. She has tons I think she’d look lovely in and if they’re on her rack, then it’s clothing she feels is “appropriate” and not going to show off her boobs or something. The independence she’s lived with so many years and this validation of her “freedom” is intrusive from a relationship standpoint.

      Man, it took me 2 hours to compose this, lol… but I’ll leave it at that for now until you give me thoughts to reply on. About her conversation skills, it has improved on this last date, I could tell she was putting effort into keeping conversations going and also, we do have very comfortable silences, particularly when she lets me hold her. I can also tell when her body is relaxed enough to actually “feel” the way I feel about her and trying to communicate it through my touch. I do hope that as she goes back to school or gets a job, that’ll really open up dialogue and there’s lots she must learn about engaging in conversation, otherwise that sinks you into the hole pretty fast when you become the outcast. It’ll blow if bebe’s period comes this month and she’s not at home where we can cuddle up together. I totally agree that I try to spend time with her “at home” more than out, because she’s more comfortable when I touch her in private than in public and also, because I just think it’s nice I can baby her when she’s on her period at home 😄 It’s likely her friend’s “change of plans” will affect this (grumble) or even if not, she’ll keep on staying at their place ‘just because’ blah. I did give her another nice letter this time, but it almost seems like once you give her something once or allow her or whatever to do something, it just becomes a “norm”. I told her about writing her a letter, gave it to her and she was excited/happy. Now the second time comes around, it just seems so… flaccid to her – the excitement is gone. I realize the need to keep things fresh, but certainly when someone takes effort that’s REALLY hard to do, like a handwritten letter, one ought to show a bit more “wow” than ‘thanks…’

      P.S. you are up damn late 😛 stop turning into bebe 😆

      • 1. I totally agree with you, why can’t she do her misc stuff at other time, but only when YOU are around? This I cannot explain nor justify, like I said, I would drop everything whenever anyone comes around.

        And, like you, I would apologise profusely if I really had something urgent to do. Its truly inconsiderate.

        2. Can’t sit next to you for the duration of the movie
        I’m guessing she is still uncomfortable around you. Maybe it isn’t so much of being inconsiderate, but she just can’t totally relax with you so close. There’s an invisible boundary that she would like to maintain, lol. This boundary takes TIME to wear down. A longggggg time and I don’t think it can be hastened.

        3. Hiding her friends?
        Er why? She’s shy? I was so excited to get my guy to meet my friends since I was hoping everyone (ie: all my favourite persons!) would get along well and we can hang out together!

        4. Not looking in your eyes
        HELLO. do you have any IDEA how DIFFICULT it is to look into the eyes of your crush? HELLO?!!!!!!!! Well, coming from me, I’m the type to look into a person’s eyes when they talk, to let them know I’m paying attention.

        HOWEVER…. When it’s a specific, particular someone with “killer eyes”…………. MAN I can’t even hold a two-second stare. I JUST can’t. I can’t. When a girl keeps looking away uncomfortably, it’s a sign that she’s blushing like crazy on the inside.

        See? I told you not to think for her, you wouldn’t know what’s going on in a girl’s mind 😛

        5. Same clothes.
        If bebe is anything like me, she’s TESTING you. Ever heard of “If you can’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve my best?” (by Marilyn Monroe). I love dressing DOWN when I’m going out with a potential boytoy – I mean boyfriend 😛

        It’s stupid, but I don’t care…. I love my men’s shirt and jeans/denim shorts… The guy gotta take it or leave it!

        If you wanna see her dress UP, bring her out somewhere fancy.

        6. Stepping out when you text her
        Maybe she’s really happening and she has lots of friends or things to do whenever you text her? Text her on her handphone, and set a fixed time to “date” on MSN to chat…. Then she can’t “run away”!

        7. Allows you to be close in private and not in public
        Yo! Apreciate that! Some girls are just not fond of PDA, and the fact she allows you to be intimate in private is already a big deal OK. Stop complainingggggggg lol

  8. No new “dating” post frm u lately… new new new!!! Or… coz ur so busy w/ bebe, no time to blog abt her? xDD oohhlala… kekeke.

    • Oh, well the past few dates have been sweet in terms of physical intimacy, just don’t want to put up too much about what I do with her, lol. And plus, I’m trying to concentrate on being positive than bitch and moan about things, even if I’m doing it through comments versus on a post 😄 And plus, I’ve put up so many personal entries I’d like for more of them to be blog-related too 😀 Of course I’ll continue writing about bebe and our relationship too, just needed a ‘gap’ so that there’s some period content up!!

  9. [gasp] when you say ur getting tired of it it doesn’t mean ur going to brk up w/ her does it?!! Tell me no!!

    • Nah, it’s not so much like that when I say I’m getting tired of it. It just means my patience is growing thin when it comes to waiting for her to reciprocate those feelings and show me that she’s at least working towards accepting me and showing me that she too, can care about me… rather than just me constantly “outputting” – I also need some output on myself. She has yet to return my touches or let me hold her hands in public… like that it’s “shameful” or “embarrassing” if people see us in public being affectionate. While she’ll let me hold her hand in private (and the lack of patience is her not “returning” the grip), there’s still shame in being in a supermarket and holding her hands. I don’t exact see hand-holding in public as being “inappropriate” but she refused and that was very sad, despite how much I do for her and sacrifice for her, she has not yet felt the NEED to sacrifice for me. Even friends sacrifice for friends, let alone between two people where there’s ‘something more’ than just friendship. Sad… very.. sad…

      Certainly, there are some things that I would deem people need-not do in public, like those who are frantically kissing or making love in public, but to hold hands or even small expressions of care like a squeeze, resting of the head and even a short kiss-on-the-cheeks are all acceptable to do in front of others and of course, you never want to do anything that’s TOO out-of-line since there’s things that are meant to be done at home or in the bedroom. I think holding hands is a great way of just bridging emotions without being too explicit, because hand-holding says a lot without words. It’s hard for me to see how she can be so resistant to me, especially when I don’t spare any effort on my part towards her, giving her everything I can, emotionally, physically, financially – I try to do everything I can to be a great boyfriend. Why and how can a human being be so frigid when certainly these actions would/should touch the heart of anyone, not just her alone. How can she not even feel a single thing and yet, she can be so devoted to her friends – so it isn’t that she doesn’t know commitment, sacrifice and feelings – because she knows those very well with her friends, she just CHOOSES not to apply them to me.

      And ya, I think now I’m starting to place a bit more “responsibility” towards the relationship and accountability is starting to come into play. I decided on the word “chooses” rather than trying to walk around in circles because these are explicit choices she is making, her actions should be held in her responsibility, I shouldn’t constantly need to try to “soften” things or try to make it sound like she’s not doing anything wrong. There’s something very weird about her choices of how to treat people, who should be important in her life and who she needs to “feel” more for… she puts up her own barriers, because really, after knowing each other for so long and being in my loving company, that love has to make her feel special and committed enough to want to return something, even her friends probably see it, so all the emotional problems we have between us are chosen not just “because it is”… or maybe that’s just me. I try not to speak for her, but at the same time, I at least arrive to these conclusions through things I have seen/felt. If she CHOSE to feel for me, we’d be moving along for sure. When she decides and accepts that I am ‘the one’ and believes in the fact we will be a great couple, that will give her the drive to “do more” with me.

      It’d be very foolish to break up just on the account of this, but what I meant by” tired” is just that each time she “rejects” me so to speak, my advances or her willingness to return some kind of “sign” of love for me, my anger and frustration builds up, and I just want to find a healthy way of releasing it before I explode… or whenever bebe decides to put out the fires in my heart with her love 😛

      • Ya lor, u can’t shield her 4evr… hv to let her deal with the responsibility smtime. U always defend her n’ cm up with excuses for her actions, when she is wrong n’ needs to do the right thg. She is old enuf to bear responsibility n’ kno rite frm wrong, especially when it cms to treating ppl w/ respect, dignity n’ fairness. For her to commit so much time w/ her frds n’ leave u in the dark abt evrythg is pretty much setting u up to WANT to snoop on her, rather than being open n’ honest. Of coz I understand no guy or girl wuld want to point out their partner is wrong, but also coz for so long u wuld only spin in circles n’ nt want to admit tht bebe is wrong for how she treats u, u will just “justify” wt she does to u as if there’s smthg U did wrong, which is nt the case. Juz as she uses excuses to justify her actions to mk the way she treats u sound ‘reasonable’ – u shld not encourage tht kind of excusing-behaviour by thinking tht even u will ‘defend’ her excuses when u kno u r mind is being played with.

        It is often our DECISIONS which influence the way we feel, nt the other way arnd. Ppl always think that our decisions r influenced by how we feel, but tht is a paradox… Conversely, by just “thinking” abt thgs in a diff way, we cause ourselves to feel differently – much like they say how powerful thinking/believing is… when u think positively, a situation BECOMES positive, therefore, when people say they feel X and do Y, it is actually doing Y helps them feel X. Likewise, when she does smthg nice for u, she shld feel vry gd abt herself in which case, it perpetuates even more gd ways she treats u bcoz doing gd thgs mk us feel gd abt ourselves, knowing tht we also treated sm1 else well!

        We mk decisions n’ choices evryday, juz tht bebe bases her feelings for u out of emotion and irrational expectations of wt a “fairytale relationship” versus a “realistic, practical relationship”… prob too many movies, lol…. Yet, I kno u will persist to the vry end, bcoz tht’s the great guy I know 😀 Rmbr certain actions once u do them, u can’t reverse it, so b4 u do nethg rash, think abt whether it is a “last ditch effort” or whether you think there’s more to salvage. Even if bebe is giving u a little at a time, then u shld def hold off on doing nethg too extreme xDD

        Mebe u rly need to cm up with a plan on how to keep her in town or mebe cut a deal w/ her frds to not invite her out so much 😛 then u can hv more time w/ her!! Or if ur interested in knowing where she is all the time, surely u can manage to use technology to ur advantage given how bright u r at tht!! 😛

        • Ohhh.. I notice FB changed the design of the “messages” n’ “chat”… so does tht stop u frm being able to snoop coz they changed the coding, or can u still sneak arnd? 😛 If they chg a lot of it, then u hv to rediscover a way to c when bebe is hiding on u 😆 Or mebe I juz dunno tht u still hv other ways even if tht one is broken, lol… u r beginning to hide stuff as well as she hides thgs frm u xDD I’m alwayz curious as to how u r alwayz so ingenious w/ these thgs, haha… ur mind is smtimes so mysterious it’s kinda sexy 😀

          Ur twitter posts alwayz mk me laugh… I guess I shld get twitter so I can follow ur comments rather than alwayz reading the side of ur blog, ‘coz smtimes u xchg too many msgs w/ ppl n’ I end up nt being able to keep up w/ it! Either tht, or u shld mk sure u don’t use too many tweets ur blog widget at the side can still be ‘current’ by the time I read it xDD So y, where is bebe? Juz track her la if u can’t find her on MSN or Whatsapp… or send her a SMS lor.

        • No la, don’t want to go down that route again, because it’s a slippery slope… once you do it, it’s hard to stop doing it. It took me forever to trust in myself enough to stop following her and just believe that she will tell me what she’s up to and talk to me when possible. If I go back to tracking her, how will that show her I am more confident and trusting of her as my girlfriend? I have tested it and it’s still possible for me to see people online when I need to, the changes in code didn’t make much effect. Facebook picture, chat, message security are all pretty simple things to get around, but really, I don’t have the time to mess around with it anymore – I’d rather devote that time to finding ways of loving bebe 😀 Yes, I still have many other methods and even if she avoids FB or MSN all together (and she hasn’t talked to me on MSN since May 27th… and I sent her a message on 31st that she hasn’t bothered answering, sigh).

          Poh Ching mentioned the same thing, she was surprized that I haven’t bugged bebe’s phone or laptop, lol… but I think if I were to track her all the time, it’d drive me nuts 😄 I also wouldn’t want to listen into her conversations with her friends on the phone or read everything she types, lol, because sometimes it’s best not to know things 😆 Also, using line-tapping methods are highly dubious and if bebe found out, she’d be really angry and the last thing I need is for her to be angry at me. This would be 100% invasion of her privacy and you know how much she values her right to privacy. As long as she continues to take diligence into communicating with me, I can’t see myself doing something so invasive like that. I mean sure, if I could get her location within 15 meters at all time, that’d be wonderful, but she may show up at a location where I wouldn’t to know she’s at… like a male strip-club or something… LOL!! Just joking, I doubt she’d ever go – or not willingly on her own at least, hehe.

          Certain mysteriousness is sexy, not this type though… lol. I even think that sometimes when bebe is mysterious, it’s quite sexy, but there’s certain things you can be mysterious about and makes people say “ohlala” and other things that make you go “arg!” LOL..

          I dunno where she is tonight, she was online on WA and it was receiving messages, but she was either busy, away from her phone or it went wonky. She says sometimes her phone will tell her she’s connected, but it’s really not and the messages don’t actually arrive until she manually connects it again. Who knows, I’ve never really played with her model of phone before so I’m not sure why it does that, could also be the wireless at her friend’s place, seems to cut her off chats a long even when I talk to her over MSN. That’s another reason why I prefer her back in town because she will actually communicate at-length with me, rather than the few minutes we talk… and that she has reliable internet. On the same note, maybe I’ll get her a new router some time because I remember when I was over, even my laptop disconnected from her wireless and the distance from downstairs to her room is not far at all.

          Well anyways, I just went to sleep anyways… I had a terrible, terrible dream… involving some horrible things I didn’t even know HOW I could dream about it, but it must be just because I’m edgey from not seeing bebe for so long! I can’t wait to see her, hopefully she’ll let me drop off dinner to her and stay to watch some movies with her at home, that’d be cute ^__^ I miss her so much! I think I’m in love… wait, of course I am, DUH! 😛

        • Well if u hv bad dream, then share la… it’ll mk u feel better… I’m alwayz here to listen n’ if it’s too private, u can share to me elsewhere lor. I alwayz share my bad dreams w/ Josh coz then it’s one extra person who knows n’ mk me feel more secure n’ as if I “let something off my heart”.. 🙂 U shuld share ur dreams w/ bebe, or at least the gd ones so tht she knows u r alwayz dreaming abt her 😆 Juz smtime writing it out will mk u feel liberated away frm a frightening dream… it’s kinda like turning on the lights!

        • Heh, I would share ‘happy’ dreams with her, but definitely not this one. It was a scary dream, even for me, because it dug into my greatest insecurities and feeling of abandonment… and probably drew out the evil side of me. Obviously I don’t remember every single part of the dream and even what led up to the “final moments” of the dream, because I scared myself so much in the end that I actually woke up all sweaty. I probably only remember (what seemed like) the last 10 minutes of the dream. It was rather surreal and bebe and her friends were in it. I usually dream cute things about bebe (or sometimes even erotic things, HAHA) – but this one wasn’t one I’d like to dream again. I can’t recall everything in perfect detail, but the end of the dream is very memorable.

          Somehow I managed to tie up all of bebe’s friends in chain… lol, where I got such an impossibly long chain from I’d have no idea since she has quite a few friends 😐 But anyways, I remember just tying the end of the chain to the trees and dangling her friends over a cliff. Obviously her friends were all freaking out and stuff, screaming for help – and I had this huge sword on me (lol, how do I dream up this shit?)… and I was in some really angry state and we were yelling at each other because we disagreed on something (since I can’t remember the previous part of the dream, who knows what we were disagreeing about), I told her that I was tired of her always placing me second beyond her friends. I faced her and said something like, “You can choose me, or choose your friends.” Although she didn’t answer, she gave me ‘that look’ (just like she does in real life… haha) and she hesitated instead of giving me a good reply, so I screamed in fury and just cut the chain… and as I did that, she watched all her friends plummet down the cliff and hear them scream. I remember yelling that, “This is the consequence for all the time you spend with your friends instead of me, you’ve made your choice and they’ve paid the price!

          Of course after the anger subsides and I look over the cliff (that’d be stupid to do, since I’d never face my back to anyone like that since they could easily push me over too, but hey, it’s a dream) and watch as each of her friends hit the bottom one by one because they’re tied onto a chain together… At first I’m happy over the fact that bebe can’t obsess her life over her friends anymore, but then obviously I freak out and realize I just killed like 7 people and suddenly I awaken from the dream. It’s kind of crazy that in a way, it shows how much I want her to be a part of my life that I could do something like that, but also shows that the evilness she can bring out in me when I get set aside all the time. It’s not to say she doesn’t do things for me, after all, she returned home today which I’m very happy about. I also think she might also remember I really like spending that “special week of the month” with her (which I don’t know if she got yet or not and if I missed it already then BLARG) and if she did return home for that, then it’d make me super-duper happy to know she cares. Also because this week I have to go out to Scarborough, if she was still out there, I’d have to make 2 long-distance drives in a single weekend, ahhhh.

          I think, in the dream, I asked her to make a choice, but it’s truly not the way real-life expectation is of course. I never want to stick her into a situation where she has to “choose” between either her friends or I, because we can both co-exist PEACEFULLY if she takes diligence in balancing time between all of us. There’s no need for her to lose her friends, but also I don’t want to constantly be fighting her friends for time with her and for them to be ALLOWING her to be with them all the time… they should know well and be smart enough to “decline” bebe if she’s with them all the time. In the same way that I don’t want her to struggle to choose whether her friends are more important is the same thing I told her, I don’t want to ever be stuck in a situation where I have to choose her or my mom, because I love them both and they’re both important to me. Her friends are important to her and that’s quite understandable, that’s why I wouldn’t want either of us in a jealousy situation. These dreams truly are indicative of how much resentment has begun to build up and although I have been trying to get “closer” to her friends so I don’t feel this separation between “her friends” and “I” and build a social-connection with them, she continues to resist letting me join them for stuff or to be inclusive of her friends when we go out together. If we at least shared those friends, I’d feel like there’d be less fighting for time, but because those are “totally separate” friends that I’ve only met and bebe doesn’t let me otherwise participate, there’s a barrier and a potential for pent-up anger whenever they constantly make themselves available to bebe. I mean, one time her friend even drove back into town to eat there, and bebe didn’t otherwise tell me or invite me to join them (it was like 10 mins from my house)… so the larger of a separation she tries to keep between her friends and I, the greater this danger becomes when I have to think to myself the gaps of equality between us.

          I don’t want to ever think about even the POTENTIAL of me doing something nutty like that, but obviously the dream is showing this resentment is starting to surface in my feelings. I hope in time bebe will let me participate with stuff that her friends and stop treating me like an “outsider” or I don’t belong simply because I don’t speak the same language or because they’re social circle is so tight they won’t let anyone in. After all, her friends looked interested in meeting me, so I’m sure that they’d like for more opportunities to get to KNOW ME better. It seems like bebe is being more resisting than her friends saying they don’t want to meet me more, so what she’s doing is only damaging that potential bond between her friends and I, because instead of me feeling amiable to them, she’s making me feel like I have to fight them for her or that she’s not acknowledging our relationship so that’s why she doesn’t want to “present” me to her friends. It may seem like the proper thing to do for her and she sees rational to it, but she conversely does not see that this is also discouraging me from liking her friends. After the dream, I had to sit up against the wall just to let myself cool down and my mind from focusing on having felt RELIEVED watching people fall off a cliff because that’s how strongly I feel about them being TOO inclusive of bebe all the time that they’re not recognizing that she also needs time to spend with me to ever have hopes of moving forward. I’m glad bebe has good influencing and reliable friends for the most part, once they also ‘learn’ to respect the boundaries of how much time they take up of hers, otherwise it might end up biting them in one way or another 😕

          But anyways, bebe did eventually come back, despite me not being able to see her today… but maybe she’ll have something in-store for me to make up for it 😀

  10. It’s not her friends at fault, its HER! You have to realize that it is bebe’s own decision to hang out with her friends or you 😦

    • But if her friends were ‘smarter’ they would realize that by constantly accepting her at their place, they’re essentially stealing her time away from me. If they spent less time with her, then at least bebe would be more motivated to stick around here and spend time with me, particularly when she’s bored out of her mind. It’s a reliance thing right? When she has a choice between her friends or me, it will be her friends. When she has NO choice (as in they’re busy or whatever), then she’ll want me to get her out of the house. Yes, bebe could also CHOOSE not to join them, but I also don’t want her to become ‘friendless’ – I just want her to acquire ‘balance’ between her friends and me. Part of the thing is that one of her friend also needs a job or go back to school, because at least that will keep her busy enough that she can’t steal my bebe all the time 😄

      I mean let’s just say one of your best friends who you always spent a lot of time with recently met a guy. Wouldn’t you give him and her ‘space’ to flourish with each other, rather than constantly impeding on them? If your friend still asked you to hang out with her all the time, you would certainly “advise” her that perhaps she should be committing more time to the guy or that you are ‘busy’ or something. If that guy has to constantly fight you for time with your friend, then he ends up disliking/being angry with you for keeping her busy all the time.

      I truly truly do not downplay what bebe has done for the relationship and she DOES cater to me once in a while. The classic example is that she’s right… this city doesn’t have much to offer since her friends are not here (she does have a few local friends, but obviously not the super-close type) other than me, so really, if I wasn’t here, she wouldn’t even NEED to come back into town. I’ve tried to make her home here “pleasant” for her by giving her a nice computer and mounted monitor by her bed to watch movies and play games, just to make being here bearable. I know she tries hard to bring the “love” feelings from deep down her to the surface, because she’s mature and rational enough to know I’m a decent guy to be with and she’s working on just allowing herself to feel for me. It’s always hard to see what the other person is doing and because ‘effort’ is not something you can always see tangibly.

      Because I know that sometimes I can have “fire blinding my eyes” – I am actually afraid that her friends will steal her away from me so much I end up doing something to them. In the end, you are right about who’s responsibility it is to ensure equitable time between her friends and me, but it’s because I can’t do anything to change bebe, the only thing I can do is scare her friends enough that they “smarten up” and don’t accept her so often at their place. Also because when she’s out with her friends, even if she HAS time she won’t take the initiative to ask me to do something. If I only get to see her once a week, I start to get very antsy and if she was at her friends and offered me perhaps mid-week to see her, I’d feel a lot better. She doesn’t do that, so there it causes even more tension between her friends and I. Suffice to say, any sort of anger and violence never solves a problem, that is why a lot of the time I just hold my breath or let it out when no one is around. Also when she’s with her friends, she won’t offer for me to join up as well, ESPECIALLY if they’re actually in our city or at the casino or something – those are all “non-formal” places that I could attend without making us seem too official. I mean going out with a bunch of friends or having people meet up with you there seems pretty casual to me.

      I’ve been pretty cheerful today, waiting to see bebe, so I hope that bebe will continue to perpetuate my happiness and that I can continue to make her feel that I’m a “suitable” guy for her and that she’ll ALLOW herself to feel for me. For about 10 minutes, I literally sat there and looked at pictures of bebe on my desk and sighed in happiness. I care about her so much and god, I think I’m crazy over her 😛 If she felt the same way about me, my god this relationship would be successfully explosive!! I mentioned to her whether she would want to tag herself in the pictures we took together in Hong Kong and she did reply she would, just not right now… I really liked that answer, one of the more “diplomatic” answers she’s given me for things, haha… very well-thought words that made me feel as if she too, believed in a future and that this relationship will come to fruition at some point, so that made me feel very positive and less resentful. Each time she makes me feel secure about myself and the relationship, it is only helping us more and more!!

    • Despite all of this Poh Ching, I still love her… I think I’m sick.. HAHAHA!

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