More Dangerous Than Drunk Driving

Yes, lack of attentiveness due to sleepiness or concentration is the same/worse than drunk-driving. Driving Under the Influence usually lowers reaction time of the driver and thus, making a driver more prone to mistakes while operating a vehicle. Likewise, being sleepy or not concentrating on the task at hand i.e, driving – one is also equally or if not at greater risk than someone who is affected by drugs/alcohol. It isn’t like I “didn’t know this” or this was some stark revelation, but is also the first time I’ve ever felt affected by it.

As my previous blog entry stated, I’m in bad shape today because of something that has affected my mood and sleeping ability for the past night. Although I slept last night, it was not the usual great slumber I get and even towards the morning, I woke up every 10-15 minutes. I’m one of those people that under normal circumstances, once my head hits the pillow I’m out cold and don’t wake up until the moment my alarm clock rings. There have been plenty of times I have stayed up late but have not suffered from the same consequences, so it isn’t a matter of just that I did not sleep at regular hours or get enough time, since in all reality, I still got 7 hours which is a relatively healthy amount of rest per day. Nevertheless, with my mind and heart unsettled, it is hard for me to actually absorb the sleep and allow my body to be at full potential in the morning.

I knew I was tired since the morning, having driven to a client’s house and on the way back I noticed myself yawning, but surely, the bright sun outside allowed me to stay awake. I acknowledged that I was tired, but I just didn’t expect I was as drained as I thought. Because I consider myself a fairly conscientious driver, I’ve always avoided driving when I know I’m not “fit” for it, particularly if I’m in a bad mood or can’t concentrate properly – because driving is a privilege and it’s necessary to respect not only your own life, but the life of others on the road as your actions may have devastating consequences. Today, unlike the usual me, I ignored my body’s need to rest and recover from anxiety and over-thinking. My heart has been out-of-whack today, digestive system in an unknown state and concentration is like me staring out into space. It’s kind of like a drunk driver, ‘knowing’ that he/she is drunk, yet believing that they are still in the condition to drive. (Not that I have ever been drunk and driven before, so these are just assumptions of their perception)

On the way out to Scarborough after picking up my mom at home, there was a major traffic jam which lead to a lot of people hard-braking to prevent collision. I managed to stop last-minute, narrowly avoiding slamming into the vehicle in front of me. I’m one of those drivers who “look far ahead” and I consider myself pretty good at predicting my speeds to prevent the need for gassing quickly/braking hard. When my car stopped just maybe a car length away from the vehicle in front of me, my mom questioned me as to why it took me so long, because she’s used to me being able to stop ‘comfortably’ without slamming on the brakes. She could tell I was not fully concentrating and began to worry. I too began to worry, since we were already half-way there and neither turning back or proceeding ahead would have made much difference. We arrived safely at our relatives house nevertheless, with much blessings received.

On the way back, another completely visible slow-down ahead and I could barely react. There’s just too much on my mind or perhaps, it was maybe because my mind was empty, empty of the fact that I’m even driving to begin with. Again, I stopped the car with a hard-brake, but also had to keep a close eye on the vehicle behind me whether they could stop in time or I had to react-otherwise just to prevent someone who could not stop in time behind me. We arrived safely at home, but my mom could tell that today was definitely not a day where I should have been driving and in fact, she yelled at me for being so inattentive today, despite my normal tendency to be a very cautious and by-the-books driver.

As the car was coming to a stop, I kind of felt glorified in just not holding down the brakes and just letting it ride. Perhaps on-impact I would just fly through the windshield, end up in opposite traffic and get run over, a quick and preferably painless death. However, I could not be selfish, my mom was in the car with me and it is no desire of hers to die. Sometimes I can be quite morbid in the way I think whether I feel like life is not worth living and yes, when it comes to a life where bebe’s love for me is in question, I do think whether or not my existence will bring me happiness. Interestingly, I’m afraid of dying, I’ve had horrible dreams about dying and that death is something I wish I could forever avoid. While we do know that is not possible, why is it now that I actually feel it is RELIEVING to do so? I think of a life, without bebe, how could I possibly do without her? Why is it that despite so much pain I’m causing her, I insist that she continues to try? I do believe love does conquer all and that the pain she suffers now from forcing herself to be with me, will pay off and that she will feel that all she put into making this relationship work, was worth it. I know that “in the moment” – we can both think that this is nuts we would even push ourselves to a future that we cannot yet see or believe-fully in, however, we should also both know that there is an infinite amount of satisfaction to accomplishing this, even if what we feel now is suffering, confusion, stress, anger, annoyance, dissatisfaction and self-blame. Love has proven from centuries to centuries, that it is the one sole thing in this world that if anything, is capable of invoking the greatest changes that a person could ever think they would be capable of enduring.

It’s hard to persuade someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell a person who’s dying of cancer that there “it is possible that you will beat it!” and it’s the same thing for me to tell bebe that this relationship will work out as long as we believe in it. A person’s belief that something good will come out of an immediate and horribly poor situation will give them the power to push through. Each time I falter or each time bebe questions me as to where this is headed and where I feel it may truly be heading nowhere, I also deep down believe in our fate together forever and thus, giving me the power to face adversity. There were things that I once thought whether I would actually do for bebe and as I grow to love her more each day, I realize that there is little extent I would not go to help this relationship grow and flourish.

I know that it was my fault for triggering the onset of events that caused bebe to be less-than-happy with me and that the stress got to her. The day was going fine until I tried to over-extend it and push her comfort level, nevertheless, I still think despite both of us trying to keep our heads above the water and concentrate on all good that will come from this, we also don’t dismiss the reality that failure is a possibility. However, it is with our hopes and determination which will bring us along the way. When something goes wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming ourselves for our shortcomings, we should see it as an extra hurdle and challenge to reach the other side of happiness.

Let’s leave off the night with:

Where there is hope, there is life. Because, when someone loses hope in life, it (life) has no meaning left for him/her. With hope, one can live and aspire to have good things in life. So, one should never lose hope and enjoy the beautiful gift of life in the best possible way ! – Ravi

In order for me to continue making the best out of my life and to make it have meaning, I will continue to hope and seek happiness for the girl of my dreams, my bebe and that I can aspire to be a better person, whom someone she can love and be at-ease with. Whether that is in a month, a year or 10 years from now, I will not look back and feel my effort has been wasted, despite the outcome, because whether we pass or fail with each other, at least the time I spent doing it was something that gave me hope, happiness and the meaning of life.

About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on June 5, 2011, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Plz tk care of ur body… u can’t continue to tk care of bebe or even hv the OPPORTUNITY to do it if u r nt in gd health. I kno tht in ur mind, ur life is useless if u cannot fulfill ur goal of being w/ her, but also u will onli prove to her tht u dun luv her as much as u claim by failing ur own body n’ tht u can’t even stand up to life challenges. If u understand ur own concept abt how u tell her tht there is light at the end of the tunnel n’ tht to believe in the relationship, u need to b the first one to show her… coz if u fall, then she too cannot b convinced tht ne gd will cm from it.

    Look at how many brave ppl survive cancer n’ many other sicknesses each day n’ tht is coz they luv n’ cherish their life n’ also do it for those they luv… from this, u can feel inspired tht if just hv’ing faith, hope n’ determination can help destroy cancer cells n’ tumours tht u with ur faith, hope n’ determination can help u win bebe’s luv n’ affection n’ tht although u may endure vry tough pains n’ losses, tht the reward of being able to live a full n’ joyous life will mk the battle worth the effort!

    We give u our support in this time as u fight the battle to win bebe’s heart ^__^

    • Heh, I definitely think it’s bebe who needs the support of everyone to help her believe that this is the ‘right’ relationship to commit to! I’m all ready to accept her any time 🙂 I want us both to be brave and victorious as well, because there’s just so much ahead of us that we can accomplish together!!

      • Well I certainly can’t wait to hear about you helping bebe out tmr ^__^ n’ I’m sure she’ll b like MAGIC n’ u’ll feel a lot better juz to c her, lol! Altho she may nt c tht long-term relationship rite now n’ perhaps she is overwhelmed by her lack of ‘feel’ rite now, if u stick arnd her n’ juz b “tht person” who is alwayz by her side n’ giving her tht support, when she gets her life settled, she’ll learn tht wt u want now such as tht romantic feel is juz smthg tht often cm n’ goes… but the more important thg is finding a guy like u who she can rely on, nt juz looking for those feels tht we think we alwayz want, coz u can’t b w/ sm1 juz based on feel, but rather, wt other more tangible thg they can bring to the relationship… coz u two r super duper cute together, whether in picture or even juz thinking abt how swt-swt u two look together xDD Too bad u dunno nethg abt dryer, otherwise u’d be even more “manly” if u can fix it for her, kekekke… 😛

        • Well we ended up going out Friday instead of Thursday, but that’s still cool (if you haven’t read my update already). It was very nice to see her and even just having not seen her for 5 days made me feel like I’ve missed her for so long 😆 It’ll be fun when I get to see her everyday… or that is, maybe I think that and when I do get to see her every day, I’ll be so tired of it XD Nevertheless, even though we were looking at jobs for her, she made it sound like coming out with me was an obligation more than an enjoyment or the fact it was ‘for her’… 🙄 She mentioned something like she told me she would go but didn’t want to postpone it, but the tone was more of a “I feel like I have to” versus, “I know you really mean well to help me out and appreciate that”… maybe that wasn’t how she meant it, but I suppose it kind of felt like it.. Maybe a bit of both, lol. I know she’s not the one who can “recover” fast from our kerfuffles, so it’s tougher for her to face me after something like that, so I have to be understanding of that too as to why maybe she felt it was mere obligation. It was nice that she was honest with me too and told me her friends had dragged her out too during the week.

          I suppose the one thing that kind of made me frown was how much more “secretive” she was about this period over the last. The last time, she had walked out of the washroom and ditched her pad in the garbage in her room openly, this time; she’s been hiding it on me. I know she’s never been the one to throw her stuff in the washroom, particularly when she’s lived in a household with so many guys, but she was quite open about it with me last time… this period around, she’s been pretty sneaky about it and has kind of hid throwing her stuff away openly. I was kinda peeved because she knows for me, she doesn’t need to cover up her period because I do not find it gross and I do not make her feel as if her period should be in any way embarrassing or degrading. I foster openness for her period and I simply want her to treat her period the same when she’s home alone versus when I’m over. In a way, I felt betrayed by her actions of having to “hide” it from me, like a sort of mistrust… The last time she got it, she told me, this time she didn’t and I had to ask her… She should actually feel lucky that she has a guy who is open with her about it and someone who can make her feel like her body is not gross when she has her period. Not only that, but I also felt very hurt that she made it very obvious she was tightening all her garbage bags and looking in them to make sure I didn’t tamper with any of her stuff. It almost blew my mind that she’d have to do something like that; as if she can’t trust me to be a good person… it pissed the hell out of me that day.

          I may be interested in periods and all that, but I would not do something as to invade someone’s stuff and I would touch things only if I was given permission. Even the last time with the pads I bought her, I asked (even though I paid for them) before taking a few, let alone where she feels she needs to hide things on me and wrap things super tight… and plus, it’s not like I didn’t know you were having your period and hiding the “existence” or “evidence” of it only makes me more suspicious of things. It was such an attack on my moral character and it was quite obvious she was trying to hide things on me. Honestly speaking, it wasn’t like I didn’t know where she hid it anyways, I just didn’t even bother pointing it out because she put so much effort into hiding it in the first place… it was just kind of shaming she felt the need to do it and thought that I would have gone through her stuff! ARG. That’d be as bad as me having invited her over to my house and as she was over, I locked all my valuables and watched her every step in suspicion she would steal something. Talk about upsetting me and questioning my principles as a person!

          I guess all these things that cropped up this time has just been her growing frustration with the direction of this relationship. I’m not denying that this hasn’t been an issue for a while now; I know that she has struggled all along – just as much as I have – to push this relationship in a positive direction. I guess that a bit of hormonal disruption might have just knocked on her emotions a bit more than usual… and perhaps that I wasn’t very happy with how mistrusting she suddenly became that day of me. If anything, I’m more hurt to think that she would feel that I’m someone who would betray her trust like that of her personal items.

          I agree that relationships require more tangible things than feel. Poh Ching and I went through the whole “feel v.s substance” debate a few days ago, obviously it’s not a very useful subject to talk about since everyone has a personal viewpoint of what is more important, but honestly, I think that what we want and what we expect changes a lot over time, something that I can only hope will help mold bebe into being more reasonable with what she expects from me. I sometimes talk about the problems bebe and I run into with the girls at work, most of them older than me, some in their late 20’s and some well into 30’s… one’s with much relationship experience and a few having even gone through a divorce. The thing is, they see a lot of things in me, some which bebe might not see or doesn’t have that same appreciation of qualities that I hold, because they’re older and have gone through changes in their life that helps re-define what a “man” should be like.

          For instance, one made a very good point in saying that, “feel” is not something which is a solid quality to qualify. Having a good boyfriend/husband who can support you, be there for you, has a good family, has good values, etc. are all things that are worth defining in what you want – and in the end, those things bring VALUE to the relationship and provides a sense of security, both emotionally, physically and financially. “Feel” on the other hand is something that those little girls that run around in la-la land look for, the all evasive thing that is not something worth qualifying, because ‘feel’ does not pay the bills, it doesn’t feed the kids, it doesn’t bring a fruitful life-long experience together. The only thing other than being a loving guy for bebe right now is to pin “time” up against her and hopefully when she finally realizes I may just be worth falling for, to give me an opportunity beyond dating and let me be her boyfriend and “status” partner. Yes, ‘feel’ does help us push beyond and do more for the other person, but that feel only holds you up so long… it’s the more qualifying things in life and qualities that a person hold that make them something special in a relationship. Certainly it’s much easier to fall in love when you have feel, such as the way I feel for bebe, but it’s also equally possible to generate feel that is currently absent. I am perhaps one of those hopeless romantics who believe that love is something that either comes naturally or can be fostered. Also, love not only requires a blessing, but also sometimes a mixture of environment and timing. Perhaps in the right environment and under the right timing, bebe will suddenly fall for me… I never deny that timing is another huge thing.

          Perhaps if she was to end up with another guy, she would also realize how lucky she was to have me. After all, humans seem to only learn after failure or when we thought there’s always “something better” out there for us and not just be happy and content with what we have (going back to that expert-article about why people aren’t’ just satisfied with loving the RIGHT person the first-time over). I mean shit, worst case scenario is that bebe gets old enough to realize she can’t find another ‘right’ guy and finally decides she’ll “settle” for me… I’d be happy with that, even though most people would say I’m crazy to accept a girl who ends up reaching her “desperate” stage… but with how often women are very career-minded now, it seems to be a very common thing, the reaching-30 or 30ish women are often just “settling down” because they’re fighting that biological clock as well as the sense of desperation when all their friends around them are getting married and such. I’m not saying this is necessarily a good thing, but if desperation is what bebe ends up hitting, I’d still be happy enough to take her in, because it’s how much I love her – that despite I KNOW that she’s just saying, “Well I can’t find anyone better, so I might as well just take him…” – I would still be happy. You know, I suppose love really does make us go a bit wonky with what we’re willing to put up with or accept. I mean under normal circumstances, I’d be like, “Let someone use me? Fuck no!” – but when it comes to bebe, I’d be more than happy to let her use me, LOL! See, here’s the option… I could NOT be with bebe and be miserable… OR… I could let bebe use me knowingly and at least there’s a chance she may one day fall in love with me… even if she doesn’t at least for all that time in between, it brought me joy and happiness!

          She got her dryer fixed anyways and plus… I try not to do things I’m not capable of… after all, there’s nothing great about making a situation worse. It’s manly to be able to fix things WHEN you can actually do it, haha. And you know, bebe’s extra critical about everything I do to begin with. Whenever I’ve tried to extend help to her and stuff, she is more easily annoyed when I can’t do it properly… as if she’s always “better” than me. There have been so many times all I’ve wanted to do was to show that I can help or at least try to help and it just gets her annoyed. These things are mostly what married couples go through, yet she exhibits these things already, hehe. It’s like she puts extra pressure onto things I do or have higher expectations of me – or perhaps even to purposely show that I “can’t” do it so that she has something to pin me on. She asked me about helping her send drop something off to the post office yesterday but the item was at home, so before I left, we both forgot about it and I left without taking it. When I messaged her about how sorry I was, she just acted like if it was “all my fault” and she even ignored my message I sent to her afterward. It’s like she sets these really high goals for me, even though I’m ‘not her boyfriend’ and it’s what do they say, “setting someone up for failure” I think that is the expression. It’s like to give someone an impossible task knowing they will fail it. I’m not saying that it was particularly right for me to forget it, but I was willing to actually get it from her so that I could drop it off when I next go to work. It’s like if I were to tell you, “I want you to turn this piece of paper into gold”… thinking you can’t accomplish it… and then even when you are able to do that, I’ll give you another challenge just to make it so you can never “stop failing”.. I mean it’s not wrong for bebe to have expectations in a relationship, but let’s just say one day I can make her “feel” for me… what other challenge will she throw into my face then?

          I think the one thing that has riled me up most about how she regularly reminds me that she “feels comfortable” around other guys or that there have been other guys that “make her feel like she can accept them”… that’s like reminding me about all the other guys who she can “get” with OTHER than me. How does this make me feel or how does this encourage me to be a better person? That’d be like me constantly reminding her how much “better” my ex’s were than her or the fact that, “Oh, my ex always did ____ for me, how come you don’t?” What does she want from telling me about this, does she want me to hunt down every guy she “feels comfortable” with and slaughter them? Should I have a checklist with all the guys she knows, determine which one is a ‘threat’ to me and do something about it? Should I have “throw off cliff”, “kill in car accident”, “fake suicide”, “torture and bury alive” next to each guy’s name? I don’t think she’ll be any more comfortable with me after doing all that, but at least then she’ll know that at least she won’t “feel” for these guys anymore… or well at least these guys won’t be around to FEEL FOR anymore. I guess love can make us jealous, because I always used to wonder what people meant when they said, “If I can’t have you, no one can” and I start to comprehend this type of feeling. It’s not necessarily I want to sink to that low of a person, because I still try to uphold my moral standards, but I also don’t want her reminding me how that there’s other guys out her that make her feel oh-so-happy when I can’t, as if I’m some kind of “failure”. I think it’s perfectly healthy of her to have guy-friends, even CLOSE guy friends, but if they become a threat to my boyfriend-relationship status with bebe, then they should be really weary because he never knows what may happen when he turns a corner. As long as bebe doesn’t try to pit her comfort with me versus the comfort with ‘other’ guys, I’m good with her having guy friends that she can hang out, talk regularly or stay in regular contact with…

          We are super cute together, everyone (other than bebe… lol) seems to think so! I always look back on the pictures we took in HK, they were so nice 🙂

        • You seem to have a lot of experience with women and their comfort about talking to you about their periods and feminine hygiene use. Do you have any particular highlights or exceptions that you had with your girlfriends (general friends or romantic partners) about their openness with their periods and stuff like that? Were there things that your girlfriends would allow you to do or not do in particular that sits deep with you?

        • PHunter, I do have experiences I’d be happy to share at another time as I’m not as free as I’d like to be right now. I have a lot of things on my mind and a lot of thinking to be done. I will happily answer your question and discuss with you at the next available time! Thanks for dropping by.

        • PHunter, yes, most of the girls I’ve been with have been pretty open and understanding of my menstrual curiosity. My most recent ex-girlfriend was probably the most open about her period with me, whether through discussion or practical understanding. She pretty much updated me on everything during her period and also would answer every question I had about her or periods in general. She also offered up information without request or me prompting her, so it was always really nice.

          The rule that my ex had was that she wouldn’t mind anything I wanted to know, see, experiment or play around with, as long as everything was handled properly. She would not purposely hide her pads or empty her garbage early just on the account of me coming over, so she was always ok with me if I ever asked her anything about it and it was mainly that she said as long as nothing leaves the washroom and that (obviously) wash my hands afterward. Usually if I’m in the washroom with her, she’ll ask me if I want to help or if I wanted to learn or watch or anything – so I was very blessed in that regards, having an ex who was ok with satisfying my curiosity.

          She was also open in allowing me to give her advice on any products I wanted her to try or if I wanted her to experiment with something new, like tampons. I was actually the one who introduced her to tampons and taught her how to use it. It’s an interesting experience for me to have taught her how to use it and quite an honour for me that she placed enough trust and willingness to participate in my interests with me. As much as I’d love for any girl that I’m with to be as open, I accept it’s not a reality for most women to be so outwardly open with their periods and feminine hygiene. I doubt bebe will ever be even close to being open as my ex did, but it’s not right to compare one person to another, so as long as bebe can understand my interest and accept it, that already makes me a happy man. It’s a nice experience, but I do not expect it out of future partners, but then I also have my god-sis’ and girls to share my love of menstruation with as well, so it’s not like I’ll feel that there’s something missing.

          With the rest of my girls, it’s quite notable that they’re very comfortable sharing any information I request of them and a few of them, like Amy (which you see as a frequent visitor here) is as excited as I am about periods and actively share her own experiences with me on a regular basis.

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