The First Few Hours of the Day, Will It Get Better?
So today I had to wake up early because I had to squeeze some client-work in in the morning. I enjoy my job, because it allows me to earn some extra money just to help with filling-the-wallet. Also, because I have interest and passion in my line of work, it makes it a lot easier than those who struggle and hate what they do everyday. However, despite the bright and hot weather today, I feel “under the weather” – literally.
When I woke up, I’m a person who’s usually hungry and just waiting to chomp down on breakfast. While I did have a large dinner last night, there was plenty of time for it to digest (as I didn’t sleep until 3) and it had already been.. umm “removed” from my digestive system before I went to bed anyways. Nevertheless, waking up this morning, I had that bloated, don’t-feel-like-eating feeling again and apparently that’s what happens I feel anxiety and stress. I feel short-of-breath and no matter how much oxygen I fill in my lungs, it doesn’t feel enough. Coincidentally, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I don’t even feel inclined to go, because the easiest thing for me to do right now is just to die.
I was on a time-crunch in the morning today because once I finish typing this short entry, I’m heading out to Scarborough with my mom. The past 3 days have been wonderful for the most part, I had enjoyed 2 wonderful days with bebe and I had felt ever-so-close to her, despite her daily struggles with me. Call me crazy, call me in love and no matter how much she doesn’t love me yet, I truly do love her and while her feelings withstanding are valid and questioning whether we will truly work out, there’s nothing that will stop me from giving my all to win her over. When the relationship first started, I was still adamant about rooting her here and as time progressed and I realized I loved her even more than before, all of a sudden I thought to myself if she really went back home to Malaysia, I will still relocate myself to there just to be with her… it’s amazing how love can make us feel and even change us from something we would dare not have thought possible before.
Before I headed out to the client’s this morning, I puked for no apparent reason… It wasn’t the food I ate last night as it wasn’t one of those “food poisoning” type of pukes… it was an empty puke, just a sick-to-my-stomach from worry type. I felt dehydrated after that, so downed some water. I jetted out the door since I needed to make sure I was on-time. When I came home, I nearly puked again and spent a few minutes hunched over the toilet. Again, heart racing, mind’s confused and I’m constantly questioning why humans were given feelings and life… it would be so much easier to have never existed, I would not be feeling this today. My stomach is clearly empty, yet feels full and right now I’m scooping away at some broth my mom made and as well as ONE egg. My body isn’t accepting the food and I almost feel like I’m wasting whatever I’m eating because unlike my usual-self, I “enjoy” the process of eating. Eating makes me happy, especially good food – yet, not this morning.
I don’t know if I’m actually sick, shouldn’t be, because I know my body well enough to know it’s not ‘outer’ sickness. It’s just that not-so-great feeling today, yet, the past 2 days I’ve had with bebe has made me smile and cherish every moment I have with her and I will continue to cherish these days unconditionally. We have ups and downs, just like any other couple, we fall in and out of our emotions and we both are rational enough to question where this relationship is headed, both positively and negatively. We are interestingly like many other couples and at the same time, not like other couples. We are not like other couples, because there isn’t an immediate positive-feeling of attraction and we don’t do the same things other couples do, at the same time, we’re very much like them because so many people I know have gone through the feelings of hating the guts and never imagining they could be with X-person, to loving X-person for the rest of their lives. One would say I live in a world of fantasy, but that is not the case, I am in-touch with reality and also have SEEN reality time-and-time again prove that love can truly touch someone, no matter what they feel at-the-moment.
Now I need to head out, still not feeling better but at least I’ll try to survive the day. However, not being able to breath properly and not ingest food probably won’t help very much. When I see bebe on Thursday again, I will feel better 🙂
4:15PM… day has only gotten better because I had a chance to get my mind off missing bebe and worrying about her. Helped an uncle correct some problems he had with his computer, but throughout the past 4 hours and even while driving (super dangerous I should add), I kept on yawning and my eyes are trying to close on their own. Right now, I’m still yawning in 15 minute intervals because I feel drained. This feels like a mental drain on me and I’m sure that trying to upkeep such a difficult relationship is the same for bebe. I don’t ever doubt that both of us suffer as a result of trying to make this work, just that the difference is I feel the need to make the relationship work because this is WORTH IT. When I see bebe struggle, it hurts me just as much, but it’s because I feel so committed to this relationship I’m willing to go to any extent, which includes suffering for the both of us. In the end, I wonder what will happen between us, but what’s important I learned from my favourite ex that rather than thinking so far down the road, just think about 1-2 years now, if that, because we don’t really know what will happen in all the time in between and that to just be happy now is integral to our well-being. Whether bebe ever likes me is still in question, but what’s not in question is what I’m willing to do to win her over, despite how painful it may get for either of us. I love her… Going to take a nap on the sofa until we go out for dinner, but I’m completely drained and I’m considering taking a day off for tomorrow, particularly with a doctor’s appointment which I really don’t care too much about going to now. What good is my health if I can’t use my life to love and take care of bebe for the rest of my life?