The First Few Hours of the Day, Will It Get Better?

So today I had to wake up early because I had to squeeze some client-work in in the morning. I enjoy my job, because it allows me to earn some extra money just to help with filling-the-wallet. Also, because I have interest and passion in my line of work, it makes it a lot easier than those who struggle and hate what they do everyday. However, despite the bright and hot weather today, I feel “under the weather” – literally.

When I woke up, I’m a person who’s usually hungry and just waiting to chomp down on breakfast. While I did have a large dinner last night, there was plenty of time for it to digest (as I didn’t sleep until 3) and it had already been.. umm “removed” from my digestive system before I went to bed anyways. Nevertheless, waking up this morning, I had that bloated, don’t-feel-like-eating feeling again and apparently that’s what happens I feel anxiety and stress.  I feel short-of-breath and no matter how much oxygen I fill in my lungs, it doesn’t feel enough. Coincidentally, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I don’t even feel inclined to go, because the easiest thing for me to do right now is just to die.

I was on a time-crunch in the morning today because once I finish typing this short entry, I’m heading out to Scarborough with my mom. The past 3 days have been wonderful for the most part, I had enjoyed 2 wonderful days with  bebe and I had felt ever-so-close to her, despite her daily struggles with me. Call me crazy, call me in love and no matter how much she doesn’t love me yet, I truly do love her and while her feelings withstanding are valid and questioning whether we will truly work out, there’s nothing that will stop me from giving my all to win her over. When the relationship first started, I was still adamant about rooting her here and as time progressed and I realized I loved her even more than before, all of a sudden I thought to myself if she really went back home to Malaysia, I will still relocate myself to there just to be with her… it’s amazing how love can make us feel and even change us from something we would dare not have thought possible before.

Before I headed out to the client’s this morning, I puked for no apparent reason… It wasn’t the food I ate last night as it wasn’t one of those “food poisoning” type of pukes… it was an empty puke, just a sick-to-my-stomach from worry type. I felt dehydrated after that, so downed some water. I jetted out the door since I needed to make sure I was on-time. When I came home, I nearly puked again and spent a few minutes hunched over the toilet. Again, heart racing, mind’s confused and I’m constantly questioning why humans were given feelings and life… it would be so much easier to have never existed, I would not be feeling this today. My stomach is clearly empty, yet feels full and right now I’m scooping away at some broth my mom made and as well as ONE egg. My body isn’t accepting the food and I almost feel like I’m wasting whatever I’m eating because unlike my usual-self, I “enjoy” the process of eating. Eating makes me happy, especially good food – yet, not this morning.

I don’t know if I’m actually sick, shouldn’t be, because I know my body well enough to know it’s not ‘outer’ sickness. It’s just that not-so-great feeling today, yet, the past 2 days I’ve had with bebe has made me smile and cherish every moment I have with her and I will continue to cherish these days unconditionally. We have ups and downs, just like any other couple, we fall in and out of our emotions and we both are rational enough to question where this relationship is headed, both positively and negatively. We are interestingly like many other couples and at the same time, not like other couples. We are not like other couples, because there isn’t an immediate positive-feeling of attraction and we don’t do the same things other couples do, at the same time, we’re very much like them because so many people I know have gone through the feelings of hating the guts and never imagining they could be with X-person, to loving X-person for the rest of their lives. One would say I live in a world of fantasy, but that is not the case, I am in-touch with reality and also have SEEN reality time-and-time again prove that love can truly touch someone, no matter what they feel at-the-moment.

Now I need to head out, still not feeling better but at least I’ll try to survive the day. However, not being able to breath properly and not ingest food probably won’t help very much. When I see bebe on Thursday again, I will feel better 🙂

——–

4:15PM… day has only gotten better because I had a chance to get my mind off missing bebe and worrying about her. Helped an uncle correct some problems he had with his computer, but throughout the past 4 hours and even while driving (super dangerous I should add), I kept on yawning and my eyes are trying to close on their own. Right now, I’m still yawning in 15 minute intervals because I feel drained. This feels like a mental drain on me and I’m sure that trying to upkeep such a difficult relationship is the same for bebe. I don’t ever doubt that both of us suffer as a result of trying to make this work, just that the difference is I feel the need to make the relationship work because this is WORTH IT. When I see bebe struggle, it hurts me just as much, but it’s because I feel so committed to this relationship I’m willing to go to any extent, which includes suffering for the both of us. In the end, I wonder what will happen between us, but what’s important I learned from my favourite ex that rather than thinking so far down the road, just think about 1-2 years now, if that, because we don’t really know what will happen in all the time in between and that to just be happy now is integral to our well-being. Whether bebe ever likes me is still in question, but what’s not in question is what I’m willing to do to win her over, despite how painful it may get for either of us. I love her… Going to take a nap on the sofa until we go out for dinner, but I’m completely drained and I’m considering taking a day off for tomorrow, particularly with a doctor’s appointment which I really don’t care too much about going to now. What good is my health if I can’t use my life to love and take care of bebe for the rest of my life?

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About Prexus Swyftwynd

Probably not a good idea for you to know anything about me....

Posted on June 5, 2011, in Personal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Altho I’m not a psychic, one thing for sure I can tell you is that the day WILL get better, coz evry passing second, minute n’ hour, it is onli getting closer to the next time u can c bebe ^__^ Let me kno how u feelin’ later la, I’ll b on! If u feel u need to, juz slp earlier n’ at least tht will give u a bit of xtra time to recover.

    Also if she is getting closer to her period, the more easily affected she will b by small thgs or things tht wuld hv otherwise not mk her feel repulsing. It hasn’t even been a year for u two since u started seeing each other regularly, miracles of love-at-first sight usually onli exists on TV… kakak. Luv is fostered and luv strikes when we least expect… keep luving bebe for who she is n’ letting her grow into the relationship will b the best thg u can do rite now!

    • Not sure if the extra sleep is doing much, still waking a lot throughout the night and just not being able to put my mind at rest. I know what you mean about how short we’ve been together, I’m not the one who feels like I’m drained yet, I still would’ve think at least to give it 2-3 years time, particularly when things will change a lot as she moves into a different “phase” of life… I mean, we could technically put it down and pick up where we left off, but I don’t think that’s the best course-of-action, but rather, at least “work towards” that goal regularly. I mean if either of us find someone who we “deem” better, we can head off in those directions, but seeing each other for a few months is hardly a good evaluation of future potential.

  2. So how r u feeling today? Better I hope… n’ I also hope u did nt give up on ur DR appt… u shld still go, despite u feeling down.

    • Wish I could tell you I’m doing better, but not really.. lol. I “thought” I was better when I woke up Monday morning, but then when I started thinking about bebe, panicking and worrying about her, then I just threw up again. In fact, I seriously thought I was so depressed that I 嘔血 at some point… but turned out to be the raspberries I ate, although I wouldn’t be surprized if that really started happening. All I did eat was like… a piece of ham and a few raspberries, didn’t have the mood to eat, nor did I care. I did however, take a day off yesterday… or rather, I just didn’t go to work versus ‘taking a day off’ – heh… if someone had questioned me where I was, I would’ve officially declared it, but if no one knows where I was, didn’t even bother wasting a sick-day.

      I did go to the clinic/hospital thing, I forced myself to go. So they pair you up with a doctor and I started telling her about how I didn’t feel like eating, no mood, puking out nothing, anguish/worrying/depression blah blah… and then she was like, “Well according to your reports, you’re ‘physically’ healthy” … but then she said, “I don’t know about you mentally, are you having problems in your life?” … obviously I’m not going to spend 3 hours telling her about bebe and stuff like that, especially since it’s not something happy I really want to talk about. I mean, there was really nothing ‘wrong’ with me before she gave me one of those talks the previous night, my body had been great, I had been upbeat and joyous and I even had the endurance to work out regularly to make sure I look my best and feel my best for her. She then said they have like psychiatrists and stuff to help, haha, and she even said (pretty smart doctor) that if I was having “relationship” issues that she’d be more than happy to set up an appointment with me and ‘the other half’ to have a professional help us achieve our goals. Honestly, if bebe was willing, I’d be more than happy to get professional help because I see NO shame in it, in fact, I think it’d be great if bebe and I could receive support for this relationship outside of our friends and our own feelings, but someone who has a deep understanding of human mind/emotions. I told her I’d certainly consider it.

      They couldn’t really prescribe anything since the problems weren’t really physical… all my ailments was really as a result of over-worrying about bebe and trying to keep this relationship afloat since it’s my desire to be able to take care of her for the rest of our lives. Nevertheless, I think this relationship is not only important to me, but also to friends, family and even my mom, who has VERY high hopes for bebe as part of being our collective group. I’ve had many people ask about her, very interested and even my family regularly asks me about her, how we’re doing and giving us much well-wishing. Never in the length of my life have I received approval from family, friends and even my mom who hasn’t even so much as to meet bebe yet, they all love her. I’m not claiming that you should ever sustain a relationship because of others, but it is of course I wholeheartedly believe that bebe and I are right together as well and that our status now is worth the pain to go through. I’m sure bebe and I both agree it’d be much easier to give up, but certainly the easiest path is not always the best/right path. Even yesterday when I saw my mom’s look seeing me being so down, I think it almost hurt her and made her cry. I wouldn’t want to do anything to make my mom upset like that and I think seeing her son like that made her feel guilty. She asked me if something was wrong, but surely I’ve never been the one to talk to my parents about these issues and if I did, I don’t want to destroy her hope of being able to meet bebe and also one day, have her as a daughter-in-law.

      I spent a lot of time tossing, turning and having terrible dreams while I “slept”… I quote “slept” since that was only the action of sleeping, not so much that I slept well or anything. If anything, I spent it whimpering and almost crying several times whenever I thought about bebe and what she said. I know it isn’t “dire” right now, but I also worry about what her next steps are or whether I need to escalate my own actions and feel defensive. I just hope that this was one of her passing moments or frustration/hormonal outburst, rather than a long-standing lingering thing. I obviously know that holding up her end of the relationship has been hard for her, that I do not doubt, but I mean recently we have been pretty good about maintaining a positive-relationship that I think perhaps seeing each other in such close time-frame along with pushing her physical limits made her crack that night. Also, maybe it was my ‘black face’ that made her feel like she did something wrong, when in fact, I’m always sad each time I have to go because I always want to see her more, lol. I need to again, step back, and give her time to herself and if it wasn’t because I was busy Sunday and Monday, I would’ve much rather spaced-out how closely we saw each other. I think when I see bebe in a few days; it’ll calm me down to know that she’s better and has balanced out her state-of-mind.

      I also did see a Chinese doctor, just to help see if she can rectify my worry and just being able to calm me down. She did warn me that this type of state is extremely dangerous to my body, since 心, 肝, 脾, 肺, 腎 is all damaged by poor mood, irregular eating, sadness, anger, insecurity, worrying, lack-of-quality-sleep, etc. and only leads to more problems like being tired, depressed, inability to breathe properly, poor digestion, racing heart etc. so it’s a cycle I need to break out of, otherwise it will only make things worse. Usually people only suffer from one or two of these symptoms and she asked me how I could have so many of these issues, when I don’t really have underlying issues that may trigger these. The funniest thing was that it agreed very much with what the “English” doctor said, but she said it in the most unscientific term ever… haha, she said, “心病還須心藥醫” and then sent me packing with nothing except with, “Cheer up” – LOL.

      So I returned to work today, no one noticed me missing so I saved a day of holiday! Luckily it was because the 3 people who normally keep-in-touch with me during the workday was off as well, so there were no “witnesses” to my absence, haha. I did get a reasonable sleep, compared to the nights before… but of course still nothing like the sleep I got prior to after bebe’s “Saturday night talk” with me that got me on the fritz. I didn’t puke today and my mood was at least decent enough where I didn’t break down crying, but did catch myself yawning about 15 minutes into my drive to work, still clearly under-the-weather. As luck would have it, I could feel my throat going funny today and sure enough, by now I can already feel the pain from a scratchy throat, undoubtedly from my eyes/nose constantly watering from crying/sobbing and it flowing down into my throat that caused the inflammation and now it hurts like a bitch even when I swallow my own saliva. Also, with my weakened immune system from being upset about things, it probably couldn’t have held up against the onslaught of any sickness, it was like my self-defense laying down their arms.
      I’m going to flop myself on my bed and see if I’ll catch bebe tonight before going to sleep, she messaged me last night, yay! I’ve just been giving her time to clear her thoughts, rather than trying to bombard her, so looking forward to being able to exchange some words with her and see her soon, for sure that’ll make all the horrors lately go away!!

  3. Seems like I’ve read your blog enough to know your girlfriend well enough. She’ll just likely hide away at her friend’s like usual – so it’s no doubt that you had to do so much tracking of her before. If she keeps on doing it, you really should not have stopped, because that just means you are keeping even LESS eyes on her. I know most people consider it “immoral” to keep tabs on someone like that, but it seems like she has this terrible habit of running off without consideration of saying anything. It’s one thing to leave town to do something REALLY important without saying anything or in an emergency, but to leave town without prior notice for “less important” things like hanging out with friends or just for recreational/entertainment purposes is just poor. Even if she were to tell you after, it isn’t on the same level of consideration and sincerity. That goes with the saying, “Shoot first, ask questions later” since she’s just doing it first, then telling you, “Oh by the way… I left town…” – even I personally abhor that type of approach/attitude. If I were you, I’d tack a GPS onto everything she owns, from her wallet to her socks, because it’s hard for me to imagine how you can even trust her when she betrays your trust by not even saying a word and ditching. If she’s making you feel so sick that you’re experiencing these things, then she should be too because you BOTH are responsible for building this relationship.

    Do you usually just blog about your discontent or do you actually tell her? Seems like she ought to know (not that she shouldn’t know just from common-sense) that it’s inappropriate for her to communicate with you “when she feels like it” or that she can leave on-a-whim… these are general courtesies and as you said, it has nothing to do with whether she considers you a boyfriend. It’s kind of like being a guest at a party, you don’t just leave without saying anything! Question her that if she doesn’t treat her friends with such distaste of manners, she shouldn’t be doing it to you either. Surely, she does not just leave her friends house and return back to your town without saying anything, right? The same manners should be applied to you or does she not feel she needs to because it is “you” and you let her off too much without bringing it up that it’s not the right thing to do?

    • And through time, I’ve learned that bebe is quite a hard girl to predict and that given I’ve been scolded by her several times over my habit of assuming or presuming things, I’ve learned to ask before I act. I’m glad this time, before freaking out at her over leaving the city without saying anything, I asked and I’m damn happy I did. She had some (or one, not sure.. lol) friend(s) visit her so she had been out of the house for quite a while. Although it would’ve been nice if she had said something just to “clue me in” on what her plans were, at least she didn’t skip-town. Again, I’m happy that I took the chance to ASK HER and to WAIT FOR A REPLY from her in the morning, finding all this out, before I started pointing fingers or causing blame. I enjoy that even bebe takes time to ‘teach’ me things in life that I should wait to gather all the facts, before coming to a conclusion, when in perhaps, the conclusion is a total opposite than I expected. It would’ve made me a total ass if I had already got on her case about running away and see it’s a good thing I didn’t!

      My idea of “keeping less eyes on her” was to give her a sense of privacy and to show that I’m more trusting of her and that I trust she’ll be responsible in including me as part of her day’s planning, whether it is time with me or whether she will be spending it alone/with others and where at. It’s tough for her to “report” where she is because she’s not used to that kind of lifestyle, but I enjoy being told out of curiosity, safety and a feeling of inclusiveness, not because I necessarily need to govern where she is at all times. Having someone know where you are is also very good from a safety point-of-view, especially for a girl and especially if she will be out on the streets at late hours. Removing my tracking on her was meant to be an act of good-faith and respecting her need to feel protective. I find that by tracking her, it simply draws out even more defensiveness of her and her feeling to need to hide things even more. We are both like that, the more you “want X, we will do Y”… lol, the more she hides, the more I will find out on my own and the more I try to dig, the more she will try to hide. It’s a cycle we both need to at some point, reach an agreement where we will be able to respect each others privacy, while maintaining reasonable knowledge as to where we are and what we’re doing, because it’s called good communication and a feeling that the other person is always “by your side” if you need them. She may feel like it’s being monitored, but I call it simply ‘keeping in touch’ with your other half.

      I haven’t bothered attaching GPS to any of her stuff yet and I think putting them on her socks would make me laugh, lol, it’s rather obvious thing to attach to clothing of any sort 😄 If I felt like she is purposely hiding her whereabouts from me or lying about where she is, perhaps I would feel more need to do more, but right now, I already have considerable ways of finding out. She has also never told me specific about where her friends live, making it a problem if I ever had to locate her in an emergency, but I could likely dig through some motions and find out what floor/unit her friends live at, but I would prefer if at some point she gave me that information willingly in case I needed to get a hold of her. If she won’t, at least I could probably locate her within 15-30 feet of where she is… it’s amazing what technology can do nowadays anyways. To me, THAT itself seems immoral unless I really really have a need to know where she is or that I feel she’s evading me.

      I blog about my feelings but I also tell her if I feel it’s relevant enough that she could change it. Things I blog are usually small things that bother me, but not enough for me to appeal to her for it. I have of course told her how I’ve felt about her spending so much time with her friends before, so in the recent months, she’s made sure she came back to spend time with me and also more considerate about telling me her plans for the day and stuff. I’m really happy she’s more responsible in that regards and that she’ll find time to spend with me. I also like for the past few weeks she has stayed local, probably because I’m giving her space so she doesn’t feel like she has to “run away”… and I think it’s only fair for her friends to come visit her here more often, because it seems like she’s the one going out all the time. I’ll be happier when she finds more balance in life, then she can also take some time to concentrate on our progression of the relationship. We all need time to grow and we all will begin to feel that certain things become more/less important as we age, learn and develop a drive towards adulthood.

      Bebe’s just one of those girls who need motivation and a little bit of a push. I wouldn’t use the word “lazy” to describe her though, just that I also wouldn’t call her “super-hard-working” either. Suffice to say, she’s intelligent and is perceptive to things around her, just that a lot of the times she needs something to give her a “reason” to do something… whether it’s a bit of a push for academics, job or to accomplish a task. I suppose there’s a bit of procrastination in her that I see too, but one thing’s for sure is that when she needs to get things done, she will… so at least she’s not “irresponsible” so to speak. It’s kind of like when she wants to go out with her friends or whatever, she’ll get up super early to do things with them (I’m not sure if she complains to them). However, if it’s one of our dates, she’ll usually push it well into the afternoon or tell me about how it’s too early or we spend too long together or some crap like that (and I wonder if she actually reviews what comes out of herself, because then my next question to her would be the obvious “and HOW much time do you spend with your friends?” or “you wake up WHEN when your friends ask you do something with them?” in my own head).

      There are a few odd times that she’s gotten up “extremely” early for me, but I think if I count using just my 10 fingers, the number of times she is willing to get up early for her friends surpass mine. Again, if bebe has the motivation and willingness to do something, she will, so she just needs that push in the right direction to get it done, or, if it’s something she feels is ‘important’ enough to do. The point I’m trying to get at, is if she feels the motivation, it’ll happen.. if she doesn’t, then it takes a lot more effort (or there’s disgruntles from her to follow). This flows well with the whole idea of “feel” and “no immediate feel” relationships, as in, with feel drives our motivation but lack of feel hinders easy-progress. In the end, you may achieve the same final outcome of being together, but obviously the path of feel makes it a lot easier because we have a ‘push’ and a ‘reason’ to feel dedicated and in our mind, it’s much more “effortless” as opposed to the opposite. Of course she’s questioned me in the past about, “How do you know what time I get up?” or something like that and of course I’m not going to dig myself a hole by even hinting at an answer to the question, just like the questions that she won’t answer properly for me either 😄

      As much as she tries to alleviate responsibilities from her friends by telling me how it is her choice to go to their place and spend obsessive time with them, that still won’t deter my eyes 😛 I just think back to about all those things that she said, essentially telling me she uses her friends to avoid me, thus only heightening my distaste of her friends. Nevertheless, I hope these are all passing-feelings and that in time, I learn to love her friends as much as she cares for them and that bebe will learn to love me. I let her off with things because I feel it’ll help her learn about how to feel for me, not because of her manners. She’s a very well-mannered girl, sometimes she just needs some affection for the relationship and some life-experiences and lessons. A relationship may not be top-priority for her at the moment or that “I can do no right” – but I believe that in time, she will be a fine young lady with a life of LOVING FROM ME ahead of her 😀

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