Category Archives: Personal
Where all my personal postings will fall under…
Having been almost a year and a half since I started this blog, I’ve received lots of comments both on-site and as well as through IM and email. People often ask, how is it that I can be so open about a topic that is not native to my biological gender? Easy, it is an interest! With that said, the topic itself should not be embarrassing or shameful to tackle, as menstruation and is wonderful and mystical element of the female body. Women may not bond over the fact they share breasts, a vagina or long hair – but, many sisterhoods are formed over a common ground, their periods and naturally bleeding body. Suffice to say, one of my god-sis’ best friend was actually formed inside the women’s bathroom in high school. How could that happen? Simple, she lent one of her tampons to someone she didn’t know who was begging for one. After 7 years, they still remain close friends, despite facing the trials of life, finishing post-secondary, getting a job and working on starting their “adult” life – all through the small act of lending out a tampon. While this may be a rare circumstance to have such a friendship formed, it is but a simple example of the bond formed through an act of kindness over the pains and unfortunate appearance of menstrual flow.
Regularly speaking to my female friends and some male community members over the fascination of menstruation, I have come to realize that particularly for guys, opening up to fellow friends or a female partner is a daunting situation. Particularly in the case of a female partner, whether a girlfriend or wife, I think it’s necessary that two people are able to speak keenly about their own interests, both personality-wise and sexually. After all, if two people are in it for the long-run, why should they not know everything about their other half? Being able to share things openly with each other is an essential part of a functional relationship. Every girl I’ve been with in a romantic relationship knows about my menstrual interests, because I think it should be fair I can share it with them and fair that they need to be aware of it. There needs to be acceptance both ways, the fact that I fee lcomfortable enough to share such intimate details with them and also that they can accept my interest. Accepting in my mind, does not necessarily mean participating in my interest, but simply allowing me to “do my own thing” so to speak. Also, because this interest, generally speaking, is not something of destructive nature I believe wholeheartedly that it should not be something to cause alarm. For instance, if I were to start using illegal drugs, it would definitely be in any girlfriend or wife’s place to say STOP IT, but she should have no right to TELL me to stop. Suffice to say, if bebe asked me today to give up my interest in menstruation, I probably could because of my love and devotion to her that I would be willing to make such a sacrifice. With that said, it doesn’t mean any male or female should have the right to demand that the other person suppress their right to have a menstrual interest, despite whether they want to “take part” in it.
How did I approach the girl’s I’ve been with about my menstrual interests? Well, I would not be able to answer that in any concrete way, because just like any individual, each girl had a differently personality type, predisposed openness to menstruation and comfort level with their own body. I definitely found the girls who had the most comfort with their own body and open-minded personality that they adapted easily to my interest, including ones who even LOVED my passion with menstruation. Each girl is different so I can say for sure that the way I introduced my interests to Girl #1 is definitely differently compared to Girl #2. As I’ve mentioned before, I never had any girls in my life (who I shared a romantic relationship with that is) who did not at bare minimum accept my love for menstruation. Even bebe with her semi-frigidness seems willing to accept my interest in it and try to share herself with me when it came to such discussions. While she is far from being as enthusiastic as my ex over it, her efforts to do so make it extra heartwarming. Sharing such an interest comes with great danger, because it may very well make or break a relationship – or even – friendship. Remember that even in such an “advanced” and “modern” society, many people still ‘have a problem’ when it comes to the subject of menstruation.
Yes, I agree that menstruation, especially one’s OWN menstrual cycle is a personal detail, many people take it beyond the fact that it’s just “personal” – but the fact they themselves resent it or feel disgusted by it. I have no problem with a girl feeling exposed or that she rather keep her menstrual details to herself, but those who feel that their menstrual cycle is shameful is where the ‘problem’ occurs. Just like our sex-lives, some like to share, some do not, but one should not shelter information about periods for the wrong reasons. With each of the girls I’ve had a relationship with, I took many different approaches and anecdotes, with some I could literally blurt out, “Oh by the way, I love periods” and other ones, where I had to play little games of injecting hints over a period (heh) of time.
One thing is for sure, before any one considers telling their partner or someone about their own interests in menstruation, you really have to “feel out” the other person. What kind of person are they, do they seem receptive of such information? What do you have to gain from them knowing, but also, what costs are involved should it fail? The best way is usually to try to engage them in “period talk” of sorts by somehow directing a conversation towards that subject. If the person veers the conversation away, it may mean they’re very sensitive towards that topic, in that case, I would be very cautious about expressing open interest. Likewise, if they engage in that subject and also seem passionate about it, you may have a green light. These are NOT set-in-stone rules, because while a girl might be open about menstruation or even her own menstrual information, she may not always be accepting of you being interested in menstruation. I remember one conversation with a girl I had who would participate strongly in any conversation about menstruation, including divulging many of her own experiences and intimate details of her, but when I ‘tested the waters’ on how she would react to know that a male was interested in periods, she furrowed her eyebrows. Therefore, one must be cautious about indications of openness to menstruation, in alignment with the whether it shows true openness (to all genders) or whether the openness is present under the consideration that it is a “female-only topic”.
While I would love to share my interest of menstruation, there are some girls who are simply object to men knowing anything about periods, let alone be interested in them. It’s up to you to decide whether it is worthwhile to consider pursuing the chance to open the topic or whether it is best to never touch upon it again. Furthermore, you have to ask yourself, if this is a woman who you are interested in, would you be able to go the rest of your life without expressing your interests or perhaps, even suppressing them? Of course I am not saying just because the girl doesn’t share the same love or acceptance to menstruation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be with her, but you just have to consider the long-term impact and your own willpower. After all, there are several members even of Kayo’s community who has admitted that for years they have sheltered their own fetish and interest in menstruation in fears of that it would affect their romantic partners. Opening up to your partner about your love for menstruation is hard, particularly if every aspect of the relationship is “right” that you don’t want to risk the loss of such relationship over your own passion.
While I do not restrict the knowledge of my love of menstruation to girls I date, I definitely keep it close-knowledge because girls that I’ve known for a long-time and built a solid relationship with, or girls like my god-sis’. Also, with each girl, you can get an idea of their comfort level to the degree of which they are willing to share about menstruation, whether in general or about their own bodies. I suppose I’ve achieved comfort in a lot of these girls because they share the most intimate details about their periods with me and sometimes when we’re out, they won’t even say something like, “I need to use the washroom” – they’ll be like, “Hey, I gotta go change my pad!” and that’s just totally cool with me 😛 I have to say though, when it comes to girls I’ve dated or am dating, I also “restrict” the amount of information I share with them based on what I perceive to be their comfort level. Even with bebe, as much as I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life, there are still some reservations that I make when it comes to my interest in periods with her. Timing and comfort-over-time is a very large factor when it comes to how little/how much you reveal and with proper timing.
Writing this entry, I’m hardly saying I’ve “perfected the art of revealing my menstrual interests” – but with a handful of relationships and 2 serious ones under the belt, I can say I’ve had at least ‘experience’ with displaying my interests of menstrual within the scope of a relationship. Having girls who appreciate my passion in menstruation is a really wonderful feeling and for the guys who share similarities like this with me, I can definitely tell you it is a liberating feeling being able to tell trusted friends and the special person in your life about your own passion. While such interests differs from hobbies like playing basketball, interest in menstruation can still be a respectful interest and with much to learn about. Remember that loving menstruation isn’t just about benefiting yourself, but also about the benefit of others. With knowledge about menstruation, one can better themselves by knowing that when a girl is angry, it isn’t a matter of her (not always at least) PMS’ing or that she’s “on the rag” and knowing the realities and separating the myths of what menstruation is about. It’s about using your love and education in menstruation, that you may be able to help girl-friends, girlfriend and/or wife to cope with her changing needs over the years. With your love of menstruation, you should help your fellow females feel comfortable with menstruation in generality and personally. It is your love of menstruation that in the most painful times of need, that you are there to support your friends and lover and to help them overcome obstacles in their periods and throughout the rest of their lives.
Remember that knowledge of menstruation comes with great responsibilities in knowing that what other women may confide in you when it comes to their period, they may not want to share with the whole world. I am lucky to say, many of the girls who I associate with and who share many details about their own experiences and regular monthly habits, that they openly share with me and feel ok that I share it with the world at-large. Of course since I rarely define names in my posts, I still hold the information which they provide me with in highest regards and if a girl is open enough to share these details with you, that you return the favour of their secrecy. I always welcome passer-byers and regular visitors alike to share their own stories, comments or feedback with me, on the blog or by other methods of contact. I hope you enjoy reading this blog, as much as I love writing it!
A nice little Youtube video that I saw on my Facebook news feed. This video didn’t touch me particularly because of what happens on MiM, because MiM is but only a small part of my life in terms of how much time I commit to it and such. However, something like this speaks to every aspect of human living.
For the most part, I say that a lot of people appreciate MiM and my positive/pro-menstruation attitude. Some people even share the same “interest” that I have in periods and female health. I do not ask that people share the same degree of interest or love in menstruation, however, we should certainly be open-minded to others because we are after all, individuals. However, not everyone who have visited this site has had nice things to say about it. Though I do not scream and rebuttal statements they have made towards me, it still hurts to know that someone feels the need to say these things. Shame on them, especially those who own period-sites themselves and have come here and complain about it. Though you may not share the exact love of periods as I do, YOU run your own period site, what right do you have to mock my interest in it? Shame… oh the shame for these people.
4 years ago this day, my dad passed away in the morning peacefully at the hospital. These past 4 years, you could say “has not passed slowly” nor “has passed quickly”. In midst of this death, our family has found happiness even in his absence. In midst of his death, our family has also endured many trials and obstacles.
With that said, it was also just Father’s Day a weekend ago where we went to visit my Dad’s spot at the cemetery (I say “spot” because it isn’t a grave, it is indoors). Do I miss him? Absolutely. However, I do not relish on the fact he’s not here, but rather, try to live everyday in his memory and that he gave life to me and raised me to be the person I am today for a reason and that despite all the problems that I may endure, that I carry forth in his honour. However, because the week prior to Father’s Day, bebe gave me the talk, I was near-tears when I was sitting in front of my Dad, asking him to bless bebe and I in our relationship, that may we make the right decisions and give us the strength to make this relationship happen. I told my Dad I love bebe very much and hope that she will feel the same soon. I asked my Dad why I have always been such a good person in my life that I have to be punished sometimes by the pains of emotions. Bebe is not a punishment for me, but the obstacles bebe and I face are tough, but my love for her has made me virtually impervious to failure. Each time I fall, I stand up again. I almost cried in front of my Dad, pleading with him that I care for bebe very much and I’d love nothing more right now than for him to give us our best wishes and blessings from above that bebe will find it in herself to truly accept me as a boyfriend one day.
It is hard to imagine, that despite my own Father’s death, I have only shed tears at his bedside, but not as his funeral nor post-funeral. I have shed many more tears for bebe and I, than I ever had for my Dad. I am not sure whether it is guilt I feel, that I feel so strongly over a girl in my life than my own father. However, anyone knows me well will know this is NO indication that I do not love or will continue loving my father. I begged my Dad to help me be the rightful person, a good caring guy and a loving person towards bebe and that each action is guided by him to help bebe understand and love who I am and so that I can finally express my undying love for bebe as well. I know I am not a perfect person, but if I am anything like my father, one day, I will be able to touch bebe’s heart. I wonder to myself though, why can I hold in my tears when it comes to my father’s death, but find it so hard to contain myself when I stress and despair over bebe. Nevertheless, as Poh Ching keeps on telling me, I need to be the one to stay positive, to guide bebe through a learning-of-love process and to be there when she needs me. I cannot be so greedy as to only want things from bebe, but not be considerate of the pace at which she wants to move. I need to refrain from placing pressures from her or at least act in such a way where she does not see my innocent actions as being pressure.
Each night I have a habit of praying and whether or not there are beings beyond the living, I have faith that the Heavens, ancestors and Dad can hear my plead for their blessings for right now other than my family’s good health, my bebe is the most important person in the world to me. I love her sincerely and although we may fall and stumble many times, my love for her will never die, just like the love for my dearly departed father and ancestors before him – for today, our family is in good health, reasonably well-off and have an upright status within society because of what they have done and what they have left us.
Today, this will be my only post on this blog and I will cease to reply to any pending, existing or coming comments/entries until tomorrow as I dedicate these hours of silence to my father.
I’ve just been bored at work after the meeting today (it was an ass-long meeting, 2.5 hours), so I’ve just been chasing down some videos to watch online. I also forgot to copy my music repository from my home-computer, so I don’t have much to listen to at work except for whatever I can get off the internet, notably Youtube, since I don’t exactly want to surf to illegal sites while on-work premises.
I try to avoid Youtube because I find once I watch one thing, it leads to 50,000 others and I also don’t like to subscribe too much to stuff because then it gives me “reasons” to hop onto Youtube, making hours disappear henceforth, therefore, I will only go there when I’m referred to by someone. However, there are 3 girls (although only 2 ‘groups’) who I can’t stand not-watching their stuff and they are Bubzbeauty and Jayesslee! I tend not to like being “fans” of people/groups, because I’m just not that type of person, but these 3 girls really appeal to me because of who they are and what they do… and the difference between them other than the outer-beauty, is the inner beauty which you feel through their genuineness and strive to make EVERYONE feel good about themselves.
JS – Mariah Carey – Hero (cover)
Romantic Soft Updo
You know, there’s a lot of guys who just love a nice pair of boobs or a nice firm bum – and that’s not to say that’s not something desirable, but what kills me the most on girls is that nice, GENUINE, sweet smile! Lindi, Janice and Sonia all have that killer-smile that makes you want to faint. Even though I know none of these girls in person and can’t attest to their personality, the personality that they surface to their fans show them as being compassionate, humble and holding much inner-beauty. There’s nothing that makes a person more UGLY than a bad personality, despite some peoples outer-appearance which they may have been blessed with. These 3 girls all show to their audience that even though they are popular and pretty, they don’t flaunt it as their only defining attribute and while they share their talent of doing makeup and singing in their beautiful voices, they empower those who listen to watch a “feel-good” feeling!
These girls have done charity and have reinforced to the community a positive spirit. Bubz often does lots of work on defining what inspires her, confidence and how to make one look beautiful. Many girls probably strive to look like Bubz, not only because she is outwardly beautiful, but also because she has that inner-heart of hers that radiate from a good role-model. She encourages guys and girls to look their best and not let their physical appearance be their “failure point” and assure us that we can be a great person, with or without natural-born physical beauty.
Jayesslee blesses their world with their beautiful words and amazing voice. While the do many covers, using other peoples lyrics, they sing with passion and with the intent of bringing joy through music. Rather than money being a core concentration of their talents, they share it with the world to enjoy. While it’s no doubt all good singer(s) want to make a career and earn money from it, they truly have brought me many hours of their songs repetition which touches the heart. These two beautiful Australian twins have not only taken the world with their voices and cuteness, but also through their angelic voices which God has blessed them with to share.
Beyond it all, all 3 of these girls have very striking talents and a face/body which men and women alike admire and adore. If I were a girl, I’d certainly love to look like one of these 3 as well (or a mixture of all 3, WOW, lol). Nevertheless, the reason why I even brought this topic up was not to point out that I’m infatuated with other girls other than bebe, BUT, I was coming to the point is that there’s something that bebe has in common with 3 of these girls… is that bebe has a dead gorgeous sweet smile (when she wants to show it that is :lol:)… when I’ve seen that genuine, yet kind-of-shy smile from bebe, I thought it was heaven-on-earth. I love how sweet-sweet my bebe looks when she smiles, especially when there’s a bit of embarrassment tinge in it!!! I can’t rave enough about how awesome she is, haha, because she’s very much like these 3 girls with their smiles, it makes you feel warm and fuzzy and because you can feel they’re deeply genuine and not just one of those girls with a “nice” but “fake” smile!
Of course I can’t put up a picture of bebe and I and how sweet she looks when she has that beautiful smile on her face, but I can leave you with a picture of Lindi, Janice and Sonia 😀 Even with all 3 girls holding so much outer-beauty, they strive to make everyone in this world feel good about themselves and use their talents genuinely towards others and not to harm/hinder them by making “lesser” people feel bad about themselves!
Yummy girls eh? My bebe is my one-and-only yummy girl in my life 😀
So I just got back to work, after spending about 3 hours with my bebe. The past few days walking into work, other than looking like a dump from being sick, I was asked by several of the girls at work, “Why the mopey look on your face?” … and THREE of them used the exact same expression, mopey. I rather like “mixing it up” when it comes to time we spend together, because for weeks we would see each other once on Saturday for the whole day. I’d much rather be more of a “dynamic” couple, seeing each other maybe on a set day + random days and random times. Of course it’s kind of hard since I have to play by her schedule a lot due to her awkward sleeping patterns, but on the occasion she will wake up early for me which is always a treat, like today! I do like Saturdays because it’s flexible, the next day isn’t a work day, giving us time to spend as little or as much time that is fitting. Nevertheless, having something to look forward to mid-week makes days so much better and removes the monotony of a work-week.
I just walked back into my office and it wasn’t like I acted any differently, but the girls were just out at the back door enjoying the summer weather and they were all teasing me about looking like “life has been brought back to me” as just a few hours ago when they saw me, I looked like shit. Since I never tell people where I’m going (especially when I sneak off with bebe during an unclaimed work-day), they were all like, “Gee, you look so happy you look like you just finished having sex with your girlfriend” and they teased me for a good few minutes, making me totally red in the face. Suffice to say, bebe and I didn’t just finish having sex, although we did finish having lunch, LOL. As different as the pleasure may be between sex and food, it still made me a new man. I feel renewed and yes, I’m still coughing my lungs up, but deep down inside I’m quite happy.
We went to check out a local employment centre I was recommended to seek by some co-workers, so she applied to a couple of jobs. Today I was really trying hard to be on my best behaviour, I by “best” – I mean trying to avoid her feel under pressure. As she was doing her forms, I walked away to give her space rather than breathing down her neck and I made sure I was distant enough where she wouldn’t feel like I’m monitoring what she’s doing. I kept myself occupied for quite a while until she finished her initial stages of the application. The second phase was to search for jobs in the binder that suited what she wanted and also that she had the experience to fill. I sat next to her and grabbed a different binder to read through the jobs for my own interest while she browsed and filled out the applications to specific jobs. As we finished up, we left the building and decided where to go for lunch.
We opted for something close-by and ended up going to eat Vietnamese food. We had some decent conversations in the car and at the restaurant and she even took the initiative to start a conversations while driving, which was very nice for once! As we neared the end of the meal, I was trying to finish up my coffee quickly since I could tell she was getting antsy. Of course it was also hard for me to rush it because it was slow-filter coffee and I was already pushing down on the filter to get the water to run through it quicker. It was even annoying for me waiting for my drink to be prepared while bebe had to sit there and fiddle since there wasn’t much to do or look at, so I don’t blame her. Waiting while someone’s drink is slowly filtering isn’t very exciting, lol. I know she was trying to pay, so I had to make sure I was prepared. I did let her pay the extra coins at the end and the tip, but just she was trying to be all “independent” this time, she insisted on pouring her own tea and stuff. I’m not sure whether she’s just trying to contribute or she wants to create this ‘separation’ and shit like that… or perhaps I’m too babying of her? Oddly enough Poh Ching and I are just talking about babying girls and stuff since it’s the right thing for a guy to do ^__^
Poh Ching has the same funny (well, if you want to call it funny) issues with her boytoy right now and I do with bebe, trying to bring that nice “dependence” together and removing that “guilt” of doing something for each other. Likewise, when I do things for bebe, she shouldn’t need to feel guilty as if she’s using me or that she finds it “hard to accept” that a guy would enjoy and feel honoured to do something on her behalf. I actually enjoy doing things for bebe, whether it’s giving her a massage, helping her run errands or doing things around the house… I think all the years of independence and feeling as if it’s a “weakness” to need someone else to help you has been drilled into her too much. Some girls see a guy feeding her as being stupid or if she’s crippled – other girls see a guy feeding her as being romantic and emotion-generating. Bebe likes to point out to me a lot that she doesn’t want me to think that she’s using me because of the things I do for her and really, I don’t believe that she does/would use me – she’s just not that type of person. Furthermore, let’s just say IF she is using me, I’d still be more than willing (and perhaps some may claim foolish) to LET her use me, because it makes me feel good either way. Yes yes, love is blind and sometimes stupid, haha 😆
Even though we cut the date short today, I transferred a movie to her which she wanted me to get so she can watch on her own. I did also ask whether she wanted help with anything else in which she responded “yes” (yay) and gave me a few extra minutes to be with her and show her I care! I would say that after all the kerfuffle we had on Saturday, today went pretty good. The smile she gave me even when I walked through the door was super nice and I think she’s just a bit embarrassed about what she said/happened more than I am. I try to be one of those “forgive and forget” type of person, I might be boiling in the heat-of-the-moment but I can’t stay mad at her long. I also dislike carrying grudges and stuff like that, unless it’s a major incident, so usually by the next time I see someone, I act as if nothing negative has happened at all and that’s how I approached her this time. Obviously in her mind she may think how terrible and awkward it might be to see each other so soon, but everything felt just like normal for me, although I had to resist the urges to put my hands on her.
Again, I tried hard to respect her need for space and I’m not sure how she viewed my actions. Perhaps she may misunderstand that I’m angry or upset with her and that’s why I try not to stay parallel with her or something or that I walk away from things. If I’m by her, I’ll feel the need to hold her or ‘take care’ of her or something like that. At least if I walk in front or behind (preferably in front), I don’t have that physical proximity to her and also trying to avoid making HER feel pressured. I don’t want to appear “standoff-ish” by being too distant, I’m only trying to give her that space she needs before she feels comfortable enough again to be ‘closer’ to me. Of course I don’t explicitly tell her these things, so I only hope that she understands what I’m trying to do. I guess I can’t determine this time whether the hug felt the same, after all, there’s germs all over my body and I’m not sure whether she kept it short and distant because of that or whether she still feels shy about that whole conversation we had. Either way, I’m just darn happy we got to see each other and that she’s still allowing me to see her.
My heart feels a lot better now that I see that she’s “ok” with things and that we can stand hang around each other. I am of course hoping that it was the whole germs/coughing thing that kept her away, since even the last time before I left her place after she gave me ‘the talk’ (lol, I’ve named it that, haha), she gave me a super tight and sweet hug, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to be more distant this time than last. I do have a pretty bad cough, so I wouldn’t doubt that she wants to stay healthy herself and I shouldn’t be too blaming over that! I just get mixed signals from her because it’s like she ‘motioned’ for the hug since she put down the things she was holding that way she could embrace me, so it was a situation of almost like half-wanting it, half-not. Again, trying to understand women is like trying to define the meaning of life, haha. Ok, rather than me dwelling on something small like our hug, I’m just going to concentrate on these hurdles we have to get through. I figured this would be a good week to give to herself, so we’ve postponed activities to next week, particularly when I’m feeling good enough where I’m not coughing so hard it makes me want to pee myself.
As I was leaving, she whispered that she hopes that I, “Get well soon…” which made me melt completely. Because bebe is not a particularly expressive person and she doesn’t like it when she has to explicitly express herself,for her to choke out something like that is hard for her. Over time, this has been something that I’ve just adopted to, I used to try her to get her to say things rather than just implicitly doing something. Just like last time when she returned into city because she wanted to spend time with me and her period started (which she knows I love), I asked her, “Did you return for me?”… I know she did, but I asked because some things I “like to hear”… to the contrary, she’s one of those people who like to, “Do it and not be high-profile over it.” She kind of reminds me of the way my dad loved the family, he’d do all sorts of things that showed he loved us, but would never wear it on the corner of his lips. My mom on the other hand (who I follow after when it comes to this type of stuff) like to be “reminding” of the things. As I was walking away and she said that, I turned around to ask her what she said (because I had my bluetooth headset plugged in already which cancels out exterior noise) and she repeatedly it very quietly with that shy/embarrassed look on her face. It almost killed me and I could’ve fainted on the street, LOL! I acted very nonchalant, said thank you and continued walking, but deep down inside I felt like that happiest person ever, haha. Although being sick from all this stuff that’s happened isn’t exactly great, but just to hear those words-of-care made it all worth while!
I know that working our way up again will be hard, just like any other time, but there’s one thing that’s for sure is that this is a great experience for both of us, because it not only makes our relationship stronger, but also gives us that endurance to know that life is not meant to be easy and that with HOPE, PERSISTENCE and LOVE, it is able to overcome the most troubling things that life can throw at us. Initial failure is kind of like our body’s immune system. When never subjected to infection, germs and bacteria – a single illness would make us gravely ill or on our deathbed. When a person is subjected to safe amounts of immunization, infection, germs and bacteria, our body becomes stronger and can deal with sickness better. As hard as trying to make this relationship work has been, I’m sure BOTH of us know very well that if we are able to make it past these rough stages, it’ll all work out in the end and be extremely rewarding. I think it’s with that “vision” of success which helps us stand up every time we fall. I’m very lucky and blessed to have a girl like bebe in my life and if there’s anything that I feel lucky to have in this life besides my family, is her!
I just stepped out to the washroom as I was typing this post and the girls at work are still grinning at me from knowing that I must’ve had a wonderful time with my bebe to return to work in such a cheery mood! They’re right though about happiness being hard to hide. For the guys and maybe the “experienced” girls who know men well, for a few days I actually had “problems” getting excited over bebe… in fact, I felt no motivation to satisfy myself. However, I can already feel excited over bebe again and that my heart it once again filled with JOY and I feel RELAXED. I’m sure those who know, a guy usually will need something very devastating to happen in his life before he loses the will to “enjoy himself” – because most guys enjoy that very much! To not be able to do that indicates some severe problems and now that I feel that sigh-of-happiness to sit back and fantasize about my sweetheart again, I know that my body is slowly returning to normal and along with bebe’s well wishes, I feel like I can battle the world 🙂
Yes, lack of attentiveness due to sleepiness or concentration is the same/worse than drunk-driving. Driving Under the Influence usually lowers reaction time of the driver and thus, making a driver more prone to mistakes while operating a vehicle. Likewise, being sleepy or not concentrating on the task at hand i.e, driving – one is also equally or if not at greater risk than someone who is affected by drugs/alcohol. It isn’t like I “didn’t know this” or this was some stark revelation, but is also the first time I’ve ever felt affected by it.
As my previous blog entry stated, I’m in bad shape today because of something that has affected my mood and sleeping ability for the past night. Although I slept last night, it was not the usual great slumber I get and even towards the morning, I woke up every 10-15 minutes. I’m one of those people that under normal circumstances, once my head hits the pillow I’m out cold and don’t wake up until the moment my alarm clock rings. There have been plenty of times I have stayed up late but have not suffered from the same consequences, so it isn’t a matter of just that I did not sleep at regular hours or get enough time, since in all reality, I still got 7 hours which is a relatively healthy amount of rest per day. Nevertheless, with my mind and heart unsettled, it is hard for me to actually absorb the sleep and allow my body to be at full potential in the morning.
I knew I was tired since the morning, having driven to a client’s house and on the way back I noticed myself yawning, but surely, the bright sun outside allowed me to stay awake. I acknowledged that I was tired, but I just didn’t expect I was as drained as I thought. Because I consider myself a fairly conscientious driver, I’ve always avoided driving when I know I’m not “fit” for it, particularly if I’m in a bad mood or can’t concentrate properly – because driving is a privilege and it’s necessary to respect not only your own life, but the life of others on the road as your actions may have devastating consequences. Today, unlike the usual me, I ignored my body’s need to rest and recover from anxiety and over-thinking. My heart has been out-of-whack today, digestive system in an unknown state and concentration is like me staring out into space. It’s kind of like a drunk driver, ‘knowing’ that he/she is drunk, yet believing that they are still in the condition to drive. (Not that I have ever been drunk and driven before, so these are just assumptions of their perception)
On the way out to Scarborough after picking up my mom at home, there was a major traffic jam which lead to a lot of people hard-braking to prevent collision. I managed to stop last-minute, narrowly avoiding slamming into the vehicle in front of me. I’m one of those drivers who “look far ahead” and I consider myself pretty good at predicting my speeds to prevent the need for gassing quickly/braking hard. When my car stopped just maybe a car length away from the vehicle in front of me, my mom questioned me as to why it took me so long, because she’s used to me being able to stop ‘comfortably’ without slamming on the brakes. She could tell I was not fully concentrating and began to worry. I too began to worry, since we were already half-way there and neither turning back or proceeding ahead would have made much difference. We arrived safely at our relatives house nevertheless, with much blessings received.
On the way back, another completely visible slow-down ahead and I could barely react. There’s just too much on my mind or perhaps, it was maybe because my mind was empty, empty of the fact that I’m even driving to begin with. Again, I stopped the car with a hard-brake, but also had to keep a close eye on the vehicle behind me whether they could stop in time or I had to react-otherwise just to prevent someone who could not stop in time behind me. We arrived safely at home, but my mom could tell that today was definitely not a day where I should have been driving and in fact, she yelled at me for being so inattentive today, despite my normal tendency to be a very cautious and by-the-books driver.
As the car was coming to a stop, I kind of felt glorified in just not holding down the brakes and just letting it ride. Perhaps on-impact I would just fly through the windshield, end up in opposite traffic and get run over, a quick and preferably painless death. However, I could not be selfish, my mom was in the car with me and it is no desire of hers to die. Sometimes I can be quite morbid in the way I think whether I feel like life is not worth living and yes, when it comes to a life where bebe’s love for me is in question, I do think whether or not my existence will bring me happiness. Interestingly, I’m afraid of dying, I’ve had horrible dreams about dying and that death is something I wish I could forever avoid. While we do know that is not possible, why is it now that I actually feel it is RELIEVING to do so? I think of a life, without bebe, how could I possibly do without her? Why is it that despite so much pain I’m causing her, I insist that she continues to try? I do believe love does conquer all and that the pain she suffers now from forcing herself to be with me, will pay off and that she will feel that all she put into making this relationship work, was worth it. I know that “in the moment” – we can both think that this is nuts we would even push ourselves to a future that we cannot yet see or believe-fully in, however, we should also both know that there is an infinite amount of satisfaction to accomplishing this, even if what we feel now is suffering, confusion, stress, anger, annoyance, dissatisfaction and self-blame. Love has proven from centuries to centuries, that it is the one sole thing in this world that if anything, is capable of invoking the greatest changes that a person could ever think they would be capable of enduring.
It’s hard to persuade someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell a person who’s dying of cancer that there “it is possible that you will beat it!” and it’s the same thing for me to tell bebe that this relationship will work out as long as we believe in it. A person’s belief that something good will come out of an immediate and horribly poor situation will give them the power to push through. Each time I falter or each time bebe questions me as to where this is headed and where I feel it may truly be heading nowhere, I also deep down believe in our fate together forever and thus, giving me the power to face adversity. There were things that I once thought whether I would actually do for bebe and as I grow to love her more each day, I realize that there is little extent I would not go to help this relationship grow and flourish.
I know that it was my fault for triggering the onset of events that caused bebe to be less-than-happy with me and that the stress got to her. The day was going fine until I tried to over-extend it and push her comfort level, nevertheless, I still think despite both of us trying to keep our heads above the water and concentrate on all good that will come from this, we also don’t dismiss the reality that failure is a possibility. However, it is with our hopes and determination which will bring us along the way. When something goes wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming ourselves for our shortcomings, we should see it as an extra hurdle and challenge to reach the other side of happiness.
Let’s leave off the night with:
Where there is hope, there is life. Because, when someone loses hope in life, it (life) has no meaning left for him/her. With hope, one can live and aspire to have good things in life. So, one should never lose hope and enjoy the beautiful gift of life in the best possible way ! – Ravi
In order for me to continue making the best out of my life and to make it have meaning, I will continue to hope and seek happiness for the girl of my dreams, my bebe and that I can aspire to be a better person, whom someone she can love and be at-ease with. Whether that is in a month, a year or 10 years from now, I will not look back and feel my effort has been wasted, despite the outcome, because whether we pass or fail with each other, at least the time I spent doing it was something that gave me hope, happiness and the meaning of life.
So today I had to wake up early because I had to squeeze some client-work in in the morning. I enjoy my job, because it allows me to earn some extra money just to help with filling-the-wallet. Also, because I have interest and passion in my line of work, it makes it a lot easier than those who struggle and hate what they do everyday. However, despite the bright and hot weather today, I feel “under the weather” – literally.
When I woke up, I’m a person who’s usually hungry and just waiting to chomp down on breakfast. While I did have a large dinner last night, there was plenty of time for it to digest (as I didn’t sleep until 3) and it had already been.. umm “removed” from my digestive system before I went to bed anyways. Nevertheless, waking up this morning, I had that bloated, don’t-feel-like-eating feeling again and apparently that’s what happens I feel anxiety and stress. I feel short-of-breath and no matter how much oxygen I fill in my lungs, it doesn’t feel enough. Coincidentally, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I don’t even feel inclined to go, because the easiest thing for me to do right now is just to die.
I was on a time-crunch in the morning today because once I finish typing this short entry, I’m heading out to Scarborough with my mom. The past 3 days have been wonderful for the most part, I had enjoyed 2 wonderful days with bebe and I had felt ever-so-close to her, despite her daily struggles with me. Call me crazy, call me in love and no matter how much she doesn’t love me yet, I truly do love her and while her feelings withstanding are valid and questioning whether we will truly work out, there’s nothing that will stop me from giving my all to win her over. When the relationship first started, I was still adamant about rooting her here and as time progressed and I realized I loved her even more than before, all of a sudden I thought to myself if she really went back home to Malaysia, I will still relocate myself to there just to be with her… it’s amazing how love can make us feel and even change us from something we would dare not have thought possible before.
Before I headed out to the client’s this morning, I puked for no apparent reason… It wasn’t the food I ate last night as it wasn’t one of those “food poisoning” type of pukes… it was an empty puke, just a sick-to-my-stomach from worry type. I felt dehydrated after that, so downed some water. I jetted out the door since I needed to make sure I was on-time. When I came home, I nearly puked again and spent a few minutes hunched over the toilet. Again, heart racing, mind’s confused and I’m constantly questioning why humans were given feelings and life… it would be so much easier to have never existed, I would not be feeling this today. My stomach is clearly empty, yet feels full and right now I’m scooping away at some broth my mom made and as well as ONE egg. My body isn’t accepting the food and I almost feel like I’m wasting whatever I’m eating because unlike my usual-self, I “enjoy” the process of eating. Eating makes me happy, especially good food – yet, not this morning.
I don’t know if I’m actually sick, shouldn’t be, because I know my body well enough to know it’s not ‘outer’ sickness. It’s just that not-so-great feeling today, yet, the past 2 days I’ve had with bebe has made me smile and cherish every moment I have with her and I will continue to cherish these days unconditionally. We have ups and downs, just like any other couple, we fall in and out of our emotions and we both are rational enough to question where this relationship is headed, both positively and negatively. We are interestingly like many other couples and at the same time, not like other couples. We are not like other couples, because there isn’t an immediate positive-feeling of attraction and we don’t do the same things other couples do, at the same time, we’re very much like them because so many people I know have gone through the feelings of hating the guts and never imagining they could be with X-person, to loving X-person for the rest of their lives. One would say I live in a world of fantasy, but that is not the case, I am in-touch with reality and also have SEEN reality time-and-time again prove that love can truly touch someone, no matter what they feel at-the-moment.
Now I need to head out, still not feeling better but at least I’ll try to survive the day. However, not being able to breath properly and not ingest food probably won’t help very much. When I see bebe on Thursday again, I will feel better 🙂
4:15PM… day has only gotten better because I had a chance to get my mind off missing bebe and worrying about her. Helped an uncle correct some problems he had with his computer, but throughout the past 4 hours and even while driving (super dangerous I should add), I kept on yawning and my eyes are trying to close on their own. Right now, I’m still yawning in 15 minute intervals because I feel drained. This feels like a mental drain on me and I’m sure that trying to upkeep such a difficult relationship is the same for bebe. I don’t ever doubt that both of us suffer as a result of trying to make this work, just that the difference is I feel the need to make the relationship work because this is WORTH IT. When I see bebe struggle, it hurts me just as much, but it’s because I feel so committed to this relationship I’m willing to go to any extent, which includes suffering for the both of us. In the end, I wonder what will happen between us, but what’s important I learned from my favourite ex that rather than thinking so far down the road, just think about 1-2 years now, if that, because we don’t really know what will happen in all the time in between and that to just be happy now is integral to our well-being. Whether bebe ever likes me is still in question, but what’s not in question is what I’m willing to do to win her over, despite how painful it may get for either of us. I love her… Going to take a nap on the sofa until we go out for dinner, but I’m completely drained and I’m considering taking a day off for tomorrow, particularly with a doctor’s appointment which I really don’t care too much about going to now. What good is my health if I can’t use my life to love and take care of bebe for the rest of my life?
I hope everyone has taken today to celebrate all that our mother’s have given us – particularly your life. Whether your mother is alive or deceased, near or afar, known or unknown to you, it is all important that we take the time to honour her for you are here today as a result of her months of bearing you. A mother’s job doesn’t end after the pains of birth, but for all the effort that they’ve put in to raise us. Although there may be exceptions to this, whether you love your mom or hate her, you owe this very moment you are looking at these words to her.
Happy Mother’s Day (2011) – May we all cherish what we have or had as they’ve played a very important role in our lives
As of course I am celebrating with my mom, I will be keeping this post short 🙂
So yesterday, I went with bebe for the last date of April, since today’s May 1st 😀 Of course there’s not really a significance of that though, lol. Actually well maybe, I’ll explain further! So yesterday, I picked her up from her friend’s place out. We did something quite cool and different this time, we visited a local bookstore to browser some books she wanted to buy and then in the meantime, I also found a book I was interested in. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I purchased a physical book. The last book I purchased was online, an eBook, and then a REAL book back in post-secondary many years ago, haha. I used to be a huge reader, going to the library and loading up a wheelbarrow each day and as I got older, either responsibilities became larger and I didn’t have time or I simply lost the devotion.
Here’s a synopsis of the book I picked up:
Opposites Attractby Renee Baron
Harpercollins Publishers | January 31, 2011 | Trade Paperback
Does your partner want to go out on Friday nights when you prefer to curl up at home with a movie?
Does your neat-freak boyfriend always want to clean up your cluttered office?
Does your wife want to plan trips six months in advance while you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?
The truth is, opposites attract. People who are different from each other in fundamental ways often catch each other’s attention. We are attracted to the very qualities we wish we had ourselves. A shy person looks for a mate who is outgoing and gregarious to provide a social circle, and the outgoing person may need to be with someone who won’t compete with him for attention. It seems like the perfect match, that is, until those very differences that originally attracted us start to drive us crazy.
But these differences don’t have to drive couples apart. Renee Baron, a marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience, uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to provide a practical program for learning to appreciate our differences, rather than fight over them. The MBTI is the most widely used personality indicator in the world. By discovering your innate personality preferences and those of your partner, you can stop having the same fights over and over again and start appreciating the gifts each of you offers to the relationship.
I was trying to avoid the whole “relationship-help” books, because I figured if I presented bebe with a book like that, she would just not read it. This book was chosen because the content doesn’t draw everything out in a “how to love each other” way, but rather, how two people (regardless of the ‘relationship’ – just lovers/friends/acquaintances) with different personality-types interact. There were also a lot of funny comics inside the book and I laughed as I was skimming through it because so much of it represented bebe and I – we have the typical extravert and introvert. Perhaps if I was more like bebe, we’d get along much easier. If we were both extraverts, we’d have no problem constantly seeing each other, rapidly engaging in conversation and probably wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. Likewise, if we were both introverts (then I wouldn’t even know how we met each other, LOL) – then neither of us would desire conversation unless ‘necessary’, we’d both have our body-parts in-check and wouldn’t be touchy-touchy and we’d see each other one month at a time 😛 So as you can see, this is where the whole problem occurs, we’re people of two different “types” – but that sure as hell does not mean we can’t love each other – in fact, history has proven (even in my own family) that opposites attract. I have seen many uncles and aunties who I wonder why they would even marry each other in the first place when they are the extremes of personalities – one who is quiet and indifferent and the other who is loud and wants control of everything – and certainly there is merit in that because think, what if they were BOTH loud and controlling? Things would be explosive!
The extravert’s flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert’s is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. Contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts include the following:
- Extraverts are action oriented, while introverts are thought oriented.
- Extraverts seek breadth of knowledge and influence, while introverts seek depth of knowledge and influence.
- Extraverts often prefer more frequent interaction, while introverts prefer more substantial interaction.
- Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone
Let’s look at the above, it’s amazing how these psychologist can “define” people and truly ‘draw us out’ as if we were simply puppets of life. I’m not going to analyze every underlying and detailed thing about us, but let’s just take the first few things that come to my head. I would consider myself an extravert, I am action oriented and it shows. I am the touchy-touchy type because to me, I perceive it as showing my love, care and sense of security. When I touch bebe, it isn’t just about being perverse or grabbing at her, but to show my feelings for her. When I “think of what to do” – the results is that invariably it comes to an action. When my boss asks me to do something, I jump in and do it and then work from there, rather than thinking it out. I know that bebe spends a lot of time thinking about things when she’s with me, she has that look on her face. Part of it is the discomfort and part of it is that she has WAY too much going on in her mind. When I touch her, I know that thousands of thoughts go through her head… things like, “What do I do?”, “Is this acceptable?”, “Do I feel for him?”, “Should we be together?”, “What should I say?” … and etc. We were in the park yesterday and I could tell there was a lot on her mind, probably not “good” things either since her mind tends to be so focused negatively on our relationship, but then again, this is where it comes down to introverts being THOUGHT oriented, whereas I would just love to hold her/touch her rather than “thinking” about it.
Bebe definitely likes depth upon forms of knowledge – I find that sometimes the times when we have the most conversation is when she likes to drill-down on a particular matter. Bebe is very inquiring and it’s cute, she likes to ask me questions as we’re going past things or whenever it comes up in her head. If she did that more often, we’d have more conversations too, LOL. Me on the other hand, I only like to know a “bit about everything” (ok, except for periods… HAHA) rather than a lot in a singular subject. That is perhaps part of why (other than for financial reasons) that bebe wants to pursue a designation, because that usually shows that you have “in-depth knowledge about X-subject” and while I like doing project management because it doesn’t show I’m good at handling ONE thing in particular, but many different things. When it comes to influence, I like being the one who “appeals to everyone” – I want people to be influenced by my thoughts and actions – the more, the better (some people call it high-profile). Bebe likes to keep a low-profile and moreover, she keeps her influence “deep” but only to a small audience, such as with her closest friends and doesn’t like to expand her influence as much as I do. In fact, she’d much rather if she didn’t expand her influence too much, haha.
When it comes to the interaction, no shit, lol. I think I barely need to explain this part. I wouldn’t call myself a social butterfly, I’m far from it… I have my close group of friends, my colleagues and then my family – who are put a small circle of people. Suffice to say, in comparison to bebe, I’d definitely consider myself having more frequent social interaction than bebe. I’m sure you see that bebe spends only a day a week, two at most with me, and only a few hours at that. To me, this is insufficient, can be frustrating and sometimes even tips the scale of annoying when she tells me a few hours a week is “too much” when the time she dedicates in front of her computer and with her friends out in ‘sauga is “not excessive.” On weekends, she usually does not see me until 3PM, meaning even if we stretch the time we see each other to 12AM, that’s only 8 hours. I understand her friend’s work and they sometimes are even in different rooms, but for her to suggest to me that she isn’t always engaged with her friends even if they are together makes me raise an eyebrow. Over a course of 1 week, I’m sure they spend more than 8 hours being “engaged” – so I hate it when people lie or try to B.S. me… I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m not retarded either. And I’m finding even though she’s next to me, a lot of the times we aren’t engaging, meaning the whole 8 hours is not really 8 hours. On the drive home, there’s sometimes very little talk, so maybe for the whole of it, we’re only being “engaged” with each other for perhaps 3 hours in an 8-hour block.
She is exactly as the description says, she prefers more substantial interaction, that is, “quality over quantity” – which I too agree with, although at times I wonder of the quality we spend with each other when she’s not talking to me. We used to have a lot to talk about, perhaps things were still “new” then and there was a lot happening in her life before, so she had things to talk about with me. Nevertheless, she should endeavour to “speak up” more often when we’ve had 10-15 minutes of silence, it is just weird. Shit, make something up if you have to, but it’s about learning “small talk” with people that’s necessary, both personal and in the work-world. I can’t wait until she has “more of a life” because it’s draining on me when I constantly have to try to get her to talk or think of subjects, all while concentrating on something important called DRIVING. If the 8 hours she spent with me were totally engaging, I wouldn’t even be so angry at her friends (or rather, the way she “commits” to her friends) – or perhaps I need to wait until she has more she can talk to me about – perhaps her life is a bit dry right now. Maybe we’re turning into those old couples where we’ve talked about so much there’s not much left to know? 😆 I think the big thing is she’s more of an “online talker” more than an “offline talker” — on MSN we can have really engaging and fun conversations. Social schooling and a job will really help build her character in terms of social-connections. When I say social schooling, I mean the courses where it’s necessary for you to talk to others and to be “open” in the classroom. Hopefully her upcoming courses will help her open-up and learn that you can’t just be quiet and expect to get away with it. With me, sure, I’ll just hold my temper and not make an issue of it on-the-spot, but with others, you can’t get away with it. I can feel my rage beginning to build-up each time there’s extended periods of silence. I realize it’s dead-boring and tiring to talk every moment of a date, but it’s necessary where both sides initiate conversation – if I have to constantly ask questions, then it’d become an interview. Again, maybe once she gets “involved in the community” through school and work that it will really open the doors for conversation and she can’t hide in that annoying little shell of hers. It’s not that she’s INCAPABLE of being social, look at her and her friends, she just likes to hide on me.
I spend a lot of time at home during the week, so me “getting out” is really my energy-recharge time. Each time I get to see bebe, I feel as if all my energy came back, despite how tired I may be, I feel refreshed with her. No matter how poorly my week has gone, just seeing her and being in her presence makes me feel as if all my problems are resolved. On the other hand, her seeing me is like a “chore” and “draining” on her. I realize I’m not sure exciting, but at the same time, I’m not boring either and I try to make the time she spends with me exciting – or at least – relaxing, even if it’s just a walk in the park. She likes to spend time alone, whether she’s at home or with her friends, “alone” is still where she is able to energize. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be doing something all the time, but certainly, spending a day or two with me should not be that tiring… after all, she stays up to 4-5AM every day and is out with her friends well past midnight, so when she gives me shit about the few hours a week we get to spend together, it makes me want to freak out on her friends and wipe them off the face of the planet. I hate when I’m lied to…
So after the books, it had been on my mind that we’d get something for her mom for Mother’s Day. Her brothers are “going back home” and if we get her something, they’ll be able to take it back for us. We had walked by some magazines that her mom would’ve been interested in, but didn’t think of it at the time and we started driving back to our city. We decided it would be best if we bought it that day since they would be leaving soon and I didn’t want to forget it. We stopped at various malls on the way home to look for them and each store happened to have a feminine hygiene aisle which I took a look at. The past few weeks have been horrid when I’ve been trying to catch sales, seems like there’s a lack of sales for Stayfree, Carefree and O.B. lately, arg – I still have coupons to use and my supply is running awfully low. I mean I could’ve splurged and bought them anyways, but still. Also, I found the Always LeakGuard Maxi’s and they were 5.97 a pack of 20, holy crap! Bebe bought something which I ended up paying for – I have a feeling she wasn’t even paying attention we’re at the register, which is fine, it kind of gives me that “couples” feeling where it really doesn’t matter which one of us pays for it. I hate the way she still tries to keep everything so “separate” between us, like we have to keep a tally of everything we give/owe… it shouldn’t be like that. If I buy something for her, it’s from my heart that I care about her – and the item which I bought for her wasn’t a “luxury” item, so I’m ok with spending money on it. If she ended up buying loads of candy or whatever, then I’d expect her to pay herself.
We went to a second store, where we finally found the right magazines… in fact, 3 of them, lol. I asked her to accompany in the feminine hygiene aisle because I wanted to look at something in detail. She gave me a very curt answer, “As if you care…” (referring to the fact I don’t get embarrassed being there myself) – but the thing is, when you’re shopping with a girl, then it looks weird if the guy is in there himself looking at stuff, and totally DIFFERENT than when I’m in there myself. I’m sure she could claim that no one knew we were shopping together (since she was in the magazine section), but still, it’s just a matter of the feeling of it. The thing is, she spent quite a bit of time looking at her magazines and even when she wasn’t in the bookstore, I didn’t complain about her being there for so long… and how can she even complain to me about the 2 minutes we spent in the feminine hygiene aisle? Like what the fuck, really? (I left the latter part out, LOL). I know she likes throwing the same excuse about “comfort level” all the time as to why she doesn’t “sacrifice” for me… but I wouldn’t even call this so much as a sacrifice but rather, just normal manners… I mean if your friend just spent a long time with you doing something you want to do/accomplish, certainly giving back a bit of time for him/her is justified. I gave her my portion of the money for the magazines as a present for her mom and even asked if we should buy a card so we can both sign it and stuff. Then she said something like, “That’s all you wanted to do…” and then I asked, “Is that a problem?” Is it so weird that I’d like my name to show up on something as a gift to her mom? What is this shit? I think it’s pretty normal for someone to sign a card and at least have her know that it is “our” gift or that I am trying to “greet” her mom. I think she likes to push my buttons to make me aggressive and I’m best when I’m passive, NOT aggressive. I wasn’t planning about signing a card and putting in, “From your future son-in-law, ____” or “With love from ___” or “From your daughter’s boyfriend ___” – I just wanted my name somewhere to shows that I’m thinking of her, because who knows if bebe will even mention that it was ‘our’ gift to her mom.
I’m not sure whether she does it with her friends or just does it to me, but when we were walking through the stores, she would disappear. You would like to think I’ve gotten “used to this” because my mom did the same thing and my dad would yell at her all the time. It wasn’t until like 20 years into the marriage where my mom would actually listen, LOL… but we’d be walking and she likes to stay behind me, then she’d stop without saying anything. I’d turn around and bebe would be gone – sometimes even IN to the aisle, so I couldn’t even see her. She won’t even say, “hey, can we stop and take a look” or “hey, I’d like to check out X-section” – poof. It just doesn’t seem like proper etiquette… I never have a problem accompanying her to look at something, even if it isn’t in my interest, but at least say something to let me know to stop. I know that perhaps because we’re “a couple” she does things she wouldn’t do with her friends, because we have a different type of relationship, but at the same time, if she devotes half the time and commitment of standards to me as she does with her friends, we’d be so-fitting by now. The more she does these things, she’s not even getting me pissed off at her, she’s getting me angry at her friends because then I end up thinking, “Do you do the same things to your friends? Do they think it’s acceptable? Do you treat them like inconsiderately?” and then of course, why do you feel it’s right to treat ME like that? The more she fuels my anger towards her friends, that’s probably not a very good thing for them… lol.
Oh, between the bookstore and driving to the store, I missed the part about lunch, haha. We got ourselves some yummy sushi and stuff. We had some small chatter but we mostly kept quiet. Again, it is off-and-on… sometimes on different dates, she’ll have more/less to say to me when we eat. The night we were out in ‘sauga for a late-night dinner, we had wonderful conversations and in fact, we didn’t even notice the time as we talked late into the night. This time, lunch was not overly exciting in the conversation aspect, but I love watching her eat, it is so cute! I like to leave the food she likes more so she can have it, it’s just how I feel. I know that she knows that I do that, and always says I can eat it too, but because I know she doesn’t have preference for other stuff, I will eat up the stuff she “doesn’t like as much” so she can eat the “stuff she likes” more. Sometimes I feel like a dad to her, lol, I “leave the best for her” – maybe it’s my paternal instincts and my love of babying her, haha. On the way back to her house, we stopped at a Cold Stone Creamery and picked up some ice cream and shake. The one thing I noticed over a long period of time is that she doesn’t “share” herfood much. This is one thing I don’t know whether she does or doesn’t do even with her friends, so I can’t point fingers. However, I also know that she’s one time told me that because I’m an only child, I don’t know what it feels like to have to share. True enough, but at the same time, every time I have a MEAL or a DRINK come to me, I always offer her a taste first. If the food is individual orders, I will always ask if she wants to have something before I dig in. Likewise, whenever she gets food like fish & chips or even her ice cream, she doesn’t bother asking me if I want to try, she’ll just dig in and IF at the end there’s food left over, she’ll give me whatever is left (like I’m a garbage can). I always love sharing the BEST of things and not only with her, but I like to “share the joy” (more appropriately, 分享) good food and experiences with everyone, whether it is my friends or family – not just her. I don’t have siblings to share good food/fun with, but what I do have is that I enjoy giving her a chance to share my meal/drink too. I can understand that she might not be accepting of food I’ve slobbered all over before, but before she digs into hers, it’d be nice if she asked me – EVEN if I don’t want it, at least it is offered. The only time I can ever get a piece of something she’s eating is if I ask, which is kind of 冇癮 if I have to ask. I was happy this time she sipped from my straw to try the milkshake ^__^
Since it was rather early and yesterday was amazing weather, we discussed about going to a park. It was so nice to be walking in a park and eating/drinking our yummy food at the same time, although in the afternoon it got a bit chillier than in the morning when it was hot. I couldn’t get her to hold my arm this time, despite last time the feeling of her holding me was so warm. Part of the shittiness of it was that we were on a “trail” and lots of it were pretty much single-file. I will have to avoid going to trails in the future as it doesn’t give us an opportunity to be physical. Sometimes she so resistant with me that I just want to pull her towards me and be rough if she’s not going to “play nice.” I try to leave a gap between us as to not be “too” intimate, so she should at least understand my actions of doing so and lean in a bit. Usually even if I put my arms around her, I’ll leave a good clearance of space between our bodies to give her that “personal space” – while maintaining a bond between my arm and her shoulder. I was a bit upset at how she would hold my arm last time, but not this time, especially given that it was fairly cold and would’ve been nice to keep the warmth together. It is interesting how she can twist and bend words into her favour, I looked at several couples who walked by us, holding each other in various ways and STILL had space to walk the trial. The saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – as in if she wanted to hold me, she’d find a way to do it even if the trial was narrow. Alas, I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry at her declines to be physical with me (or rather, I wouldn’t get angry if she doesn’t want to do something for me, but I would be if she stopped ME from being physical with her) – so I didn’t pursue arguing with her over the semantics of it. I highly dislike her body language and that is why sometimes I need to step away for a breather, fearful I might just explode in fury – although I attribute that to her not knowing the etiquette of physical contact.
Actually, going back to lunch for a bit, she did tell me her mom suggested her to stay local (in this city) until later on this year. I was partially happy, but that still doesn’t change the fact that she will end up moving out there anyways, not that her mom told her to stay here with me, lol. The thing is that bebe staying local to me is only temporary and as much as that makes me happy for the next half year, the inevitability is that she’s going to move closer to her friends (as if they don’t spend ENOUGH time together as it is :roll:). The other thing that came up (which I’m glad she didn’t go for…) was it was suggested she just go back home to do her studies and come back here. I wasn’t all too happy about that and bebe thought it was a better idea to stay here too. I always told bebe, best thing for us both is for her to carry on here, we’ll see where the relationship goes, and then she can go back if things really don’t work out. Nevertheless, the problem with this is that now there’s a “deadline” i.e when she completes schooling, then it forces us to push the relationship faster (which might not be good to move fast), just so it keeps her here. I want our relationship progression to be relaxed and not have a deadline that, “when she’s done school and we’re still not ‘official’ then she’s gone” — I think it puts UNDUE pressure on us both. Hopefully she won’t use her school term as a determining factor. Either way, I’m pleased that bebe wants to stay here to do school, perhaps a bit for herself and a bit for me – that makes me proud 🙂
The night turned for the better as we got back to her place. Since I didn’t have any new movies she wanted to watch, most of the night we just say next to each other on our computers, talking a bit and then we watched some Ellen Degeneres – I like watching that with her because it puts her at ease (due to the laughter) and we can also snicker at the various funny parts together. The reason I like being at her house so much is we have privacy, as in, she’ll let me do things to her that she’d otherwise be shy doing in-public. She’s not the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) type of girl, she prefers the touchy-touchy is in our own privacy, which I can respect. I got to give her a massage and hold her close to me, which really made the night perfect. There was still a bit of leaning on her body which I did not like, but hey, at least she’s LETTING me touch her right? I should be grateful for that, lol. Being able to touch her gently removes that negative-edge off my mind, because sometimes she gets me so riled up during the day that I’m ready to punch-a-wall, and letting me do this totally makes me as passive and docile as a rabbit, haha. I accidentally nicked her ticklish spots a few times because of the weird way I was sitting at getting my arms around her as my fingers couldn’t get in the right position. Nevertheless, this helps me learn about her body better – because I want to make her feel good!
It was approaching midnight and it looked like she wanted to call it a night. I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes, so I began to pack up. I wanted to borrow a few of bebe’s pads from her because I’m running low on stock and also I wanted to see her reaction. I made sure I did not after I went to the washroom (since it’d totally be weird if I asked before, took them and walked to the washroom… HAHA) to change if I could have a few of her pads. I made sure I said “a few” as to not insinuate I’d take it all, since I’m understanding that if her period suddenly came it’d be a bitch if I took it all and she’d have to rush out to get some. Furthermore, I asked only to take the one type that was not her “treasured Asia pads” – but just the regular one she could buy here. I didn’t buy any throughout the day because it was too expensive and would like to hold-out until there’s a sale + my coupon. She gave me a very dry response, as if I was taking a piece of gold away from her or something – and I wanted to sigh at her at that point but resisted. I can’t even describe how she replied to me.. but really, I spend so much money on her regularly that I can’t imagine she was so resistant at letting me BORROW 50-cents worth of pads… I told her I’d give her new ones once there was a sale and I bought them and also, yesterday I also gave her some money to spend as she pleases… enough to buy like TEN packs of pads with lots of change to spare – I can’t believe how dejecting it was to see she wasn’t “willing” to let me take a few. Even though she said yes and I took some, it definitely wasn’t a “nice” yes.
There was a bright-light that totally melted me last night. I had written bebe a letter, an expression of my love to her – and while I don’t think it ended up touching her like I imagined it would, there WAS positivity to it. The letter was written over a 3-day period, over 2 hours a day of refining, rewriting and such. It was HANDWRITTEN which was something I’ve never done… I’ve always composed these letters on computer and then printed it out with ONLY the signature on the bottom being “written”. The entire 3 page letter from front-to-back was all in black ink and I poured my heart, soul and blood into it. She finished reading it fast (obviously reading is faster than writing), but I had hoped that she’d savour every word more, rather than rushing through it or even skimming it. I hope she’ll keep it so each day it reminds her how special she is to me and perhaps one day we can look back at it and smile. I want to do this more often, because it really is an expression of myself to her and my commitment to do things I would never otherwise do. What made the letter amazing wasn’t the fact she “gave” me anything in return, there was no extra intimacy, but the way she said “aw, thank you” to me was the most sincere and beautiful thank you she’s ever said to me – because I could actually “feel the feeling” in her words and also because she never speaks in that tone to me. Her voice was so tender (溫柔) at that moment I wanted to serious rip her clothes off, LOL. I think I got an erection, I’m not sure, I was so dazed that I avoided any eye-contact with her, in fear I might not be able to control myself 😆
I don’t expect our relationship to flourish this year… I’m sure there will be “progress” but nothing “intense” will happen. Call me a bit superstitious, but my horoscope this year says that my relationship life will be “stable, but unexciting” … haha. I think bebe’s said something about her not having a “good social/relationship outlook” this year, which may be why we both seem to struggle. So yes, while we all have control over ourselves, a part of us, the “explainable feelings” within us sometimes is controlled by fate and timing. Maybe this year won’t be great for us, but next year we’ll suddenly go from “being uncomfortable” to “madly in love” – who knows right? When I was in the bookstore, I was reading “Dating for Dummies” – it was funny and also sometimes helped bring other perspective into this. One of the quotes, I wish I could remember it word-for-word, but was something to the effect of that love is fate, but in order for fate to happen, you have to let things progress naturally. If you relax and let fate take it’s course and you are meant to be together, then everything falls into place. Think about how divine fate is… if it wasn’t for how our parents met and a “chain of conditions” and “events” that happened leading to their relationship/marriage/pregnancy, we would not be here today. Likewise, two people who are meant to be together all follow that chain and events leading up to their success. If bebe and I constantly place expectations and try to “move things in our own ways” – it won’t work because in the end, fate controls us. If we simply take things as they come, develop as we are meant to develop, fate will guide us towards our relationship’s success. One day we’ll be able to say to our kids and remind them that if it wasn’t for a bunch of things that helped bring mommy and daddy together, we would’ve never had them! Fate is so unique that sometimes it waits for the perfect moment to ripen. Right now, maybe bebe and I aren’t ready to be involved with each other – perhaps we have other things waiting for us to concentrate or to accomplish. When fate says it is ready to bring bebe and I together – it will… and we’ll finally be happy together.
I love bebe so much I think I’m going crazy 😀