So let me start by talking about a little “incident” over the last week that has been kind of creepy (although, positively creepy). About 2 weeks ago I had a coworker who is a big fan of psychics and each year, about this this time of year, they come to our city. Ever since my dad passed away, each time she goes to the psychic, they would be always sense my dad’s presence as not only were they coworkers, but great friends as well. At around 8PM the night she went to the psychic fair, she sent me a funny message saying that my dad came through “very strong” and that he was asking about what happened with the car (I recently had work done on my car due to some fuel efficiency problems) and that he is waiting for his grandchildren now! I laughed and although it’s always nice to hear things about deceased loved ones, I guess sometimes you are skeptical about how reliable the information is or how “real” these things are. Suffice to say, our family is what I would deem as a “spiritual” family… we believe that there’s more to life than what meets the eye and although we are not highly religious of sorts, we do practice our faith to a degree. While I would hardly consider ourselves “devotedly religious” by any means, we also don’t think that human life is as simple as birth and death.
I did not show my mom the message yet because my mom yet, although I did show bebe who got a chuckle. A few nights later, my mom woke up in the morning and was in a very cheery mood because she told me she had finally seen my dad (via a dream) since he hasn’t “visited” in a while. My mom is one of those people who sometimes I wonder if she has “special powers”… because many times things she saw in dreams have become ‘true’ or has manifested itself in one way or another. I’m not going to say EVERY dream she ever had happened, but certainly, I’m always scared when she tells me about her dreams. She said that she saw our family (including my dad) enjoying a gathering with her best-friends mother (let’s just call the friend E and her mom C). Also in the same night, my mom also told me dad had a conversation with her and asked her to tell me, “呀仔加油畀心機追你嘅女朋友!” (My son, continue your efforts in chasing your girlfriend!). Like I said, sometimes I am skeptical about what my mom tells me from dreams because she has an “overactive mind”… but what I’m going to tell you to follow is freaky. However, assuming that dreams can sometimes help bridge “human life” and “spiritual life” – I’d be very happy to say that my dad approves of bebe and that we will have a successful relationship as long as we’re willing to devote effort into each other.
3 days ago, E called my mom and told her she was very excited because all of a sudden her mom, C… called E and told her that she will be coming to Canada as a “last minute” plan to enjoy the start of Canadian spring. My mom was shocked… because just a week ago, she had a dream about C being in the dream with my dad and our family at a gathering… How could the dream have been so realistic, is this something my dad was “telling” my mom that she would be coming? E & C are very good friends of our family, so therefore we’ve always had a great relationship with them so it wouldn’t be a surprize if my dad “reported” to my mom to expect a visitor. My mom had this weird look when she put down the phone.. I guess shock and surprize. C has not come to Canada to visit E (her daughter & my mom’s best friend) since 2006 because of some major injuries and surgury. All of a sudden, after my mom’s dream, days later C actually called E telling her that she was coming and gave her the itinerary.
Ok… so yes, we could all say this was just an “unusual coincidence” that my mom dreamt of a gathering with my Dad, our family and C… but dreams after often “recollections” of things that have happened or manifest itself into our minds… but this situation that was predicted HASN’T HAPPENED and in fact, just “became true”… I guess in a way, it validates that sometimes my mom has this unusual nack for connecting spiritually with my father (after all, they WERE married and soul-mates, this wouldn’t be a surprize) and also, dreams I have about my father are usually very strong and supportive. Many times, I’ve had things my dad told me to be aware of through dreams really did come true. It is kind of freaky. At the same time, this is a very warm feeling knowing that dad is always around to protect us and to give us guidance when we need it. Most importantly, I know that my dad, even beyond the grave, approves of bebe and he encourages me to pursue her love. Now with my mom and dad’s approval of bebe, I’m all in! Hey, my love-life has steadily improved with bebe and I think she is even to begin feeling a little – so thanks to all the blessings of (living) family and friends and also that of our ancestors and the heavens.
Yesterday, I mentioned to bebe that in the near future, I’d like to open up a bank account for her and put a bit of money in every week so she’d have some extra money to spend. I have only did this with ONE other serious girlfriend before and I’m always very careful about it… after all, I don’t want to be used by a gold-digging girl. Furthermore, I’ve used this in the past as a “test” to see how well the girl manages money, responsibility and practicality as well. Although I’m going to wait until bebe and I are on better terms, I have a feeling that this relationship will become successful. She mentioned that one of her friend’s boyfriend does this as well and thought perhaps this is “common” — I told her this is HARDLY the case. I’ve asked around my friends before and most of them are like, “Dude, are you stupid? You should NEVER give her girlfriend money like that…” and most of them don’t even see that happening even POST-MARRIAGE, let alone dating. I questioned myself to make sure I “felt” the want to give bebe some spending money as well as whether it is a SMART choice to make – because we all know money can ruin women 😛
Through major deliberations, I decided to run the idea through bebe to see what she says. She of course said, “Oh you don’t need to do that” – but I couldn’t tell if it was the usual “girl humbleness” to not make herself look like she WANTS that money, or deep down she really loves the idea of having two purses to spend (her parents and mine, lol). From what I’ve seen, bebe is fairly responsible with money, that is why I even contemplated this in the first place. I still need lots of in-depth time to “study” what kind of person bebe is… I mean yes, I do trust her, but I am also practical in the sense I’m not stupid enough to let a girl take advantage of me. I do want to know without a doubt that she is trustworthy and not playing me for a fool. This is not only the case with money, but even for other things. Deep down in my heart, obviously I trust her, but on the surface using LOGIC – I definitely have to keep my smarts about it and not let my emotions consume me. I guess we will find out her genuineness in time. I went to the bank to give her some money yesterday, something nice for her to spend while she’s out there with her friends and stuff, I want to hope that was the right decision.
So today my mom asked me while shopping what we do about handling bills. For the most part, 9 out of 10 times, I would say I pay the bills or any type of dating expenditures. Am I really old fashion to think that the guy always has to pay? I know that especially in an era now that we “casually date” and that there are “open relationships” – dating couples have opted to do 50/50. Maybe I’m too old fashion to accept that a girl should pay. My mom asked because she wanted to know whether bebe ever bothers pulling out her wallet or that it is in her expectation that I am always the one paying. My mom likes to know details because people in relationships are often blind to things… she just wants to make sure I’m not being used. Even my mom said, when she was young, many guys would offer to take her out and every night, she could always get free dinners if she wanted to. Likewise, my mom said that I have to be smart about watching how bebe is treating me, whether she is being equitable in paying when we go out. After all, she doesn’t want her son being rung dry by a girl who simply wants “a good night out” with no expense to her. Bebe certainly has paid for our food/activities before but I think she also won’t get into a fight with me about it, LOL. Although I love bebe very much, I am still “cautious” of these things, so I’m not totally blind yet by bebe, haha.
Date One: Yes, Make the Offer
Most men want to treat on the first date. He wants to show that he is in fact a gentleman. This fine young man will reach for the check when the conversation has settled a bit, pretend to check the figures, and take out his wallet. What should you do? Ask if you can contribute by paying the tip or part of the bill (be prepared just in case he takes you up on it). This is your way of acknowledging his gesture. We just want the offer. A sweet thank-you is also appreciated. That is all men really want — some simple recognition. But, do not go further than making the offer — do not insist on paying your half, even if you’re having the worse time of your life. This is like saying to the guy, “I could never be interested in you.”
Dates Two and Three: Actually Making a Contribution
Out for dinner once again, maybe a movie this time, or bowling or a dance club, etc. Some money is being spent somewhere. Again offer to contribute. Again say thank you when he insists on paying. However, this time find some way to make a contribution. Examples: Buy the popcorn at a movie, buy a round of drinks at a bar, buy some ice cream after dinner. Many guys will say that is not necessary, but it is definitely appreciated.
Dates 4 and Beyond: Time to Insist
Most men like when the women take the wheel for a night or two. Once you are “dating,” you should plan a night and insist on paying. This gesture again is a nice way to recognize that you appreciate your guy being generous on dates one through, and now it is your turn. A nice guy will offer to contribute and it is okay to reject his contribution.
Having read some articles recently, it does appear that “bill splitting” seems to be common on dates now. Weird for me, but I guess that’s how society is moving now – or even if you don’t split the bill, at least make sure the night is “even” between the parties… i.e if someone paid for lunch, then the other should pay for dinner – or something like that. I guess the thing is that a lot of these rules apply to “casual dating”… and right now, I don’t think there’s anything “casual” about bebe and I, lol. Any guy who even thinks about going after bebe right now is asking to cut their lifespan considerably as a bullet will find its way to their throat very quickly. But anyways, bebe has always done her share and has never made it an issue to cover any remainders (especially when cash is involved, OOPS) or to pay the outstanding tip or whatever. It seems like lots of people recommend “talking about bill-splitting” – but that’s an awfully weird conversation to have.
1 Talk about how to split the bill in the first few weeks of dating. Ask your date if they want to always split the bill so no one feels obligated. The beautiful part of this is since you both expect to pay there won’t be awkwardness when the bill arrives.
2 Take turns paying. If your boyfriend paid for dinner last time, just grab the check when it arrives! This way you can go back and forth and it’s essentially the same as splitting the bill.
3 Split the cost of the evening instead of splitting a single bill. When you’re going to dinner and a movie on a single night, ask the person you’re dating if they’d like to pay for the movie or for dinner, and tell him or her you’ll pay for whichever they don’t choose.
4 Avoid being insistent about paying. Some men and women can actually become offended by the idea of someone constantly paying for them (or even paying just once). If your date says no and insists on splitting the bill, it’s best to just agree.
5 Be honest when you can or cannot afford to split the bill. It’s better to just let your partner know you’d rather go to a coffee shop than to a 5-star restaurant.
Tips & Warnings
Set aside some money for every time you go out, specifically for the purpose of splitting the bill. It’s best to always assume you are paying for your share so as not to appear like you are taking advantage of your partner.
Don’t make taking the bill on yourself a habit. The more you pay, the more it will become expected, and you’ll be stuck every time you go out with paying for the meal or the movie. Offer from time to time, but also ask, “Wanna split it today?”
Interesting on that last one about the “warning”… I wonder if it’s true. I’m not sure… right now, maybe I’m being stupid, but I consider bebe “just like family” and my sweetheart… I try not to think of us as “you” and “me” – but rather, “us”… so what’s the big deal about spending our money? I think most people would say I’m playing a dangerous game here, allowing a girl to: get money out of me, have dinners & activities paid for, her personal chauffeur.. etc. Am I being too innocent or is it because I’m so committed to her I feel there shouldn’t be a separation? I’m sure there’s always a risk of being used, but seriously, bebe treats me great and if she wasn’t being genuine about her feelings for me, she could use me but give me NOTHING in return and I’d still be enough to do it. The fact she’s making a very real effort, I would like to assume/feel this is all real and not fake.
I’ve also noticed that bebe isn’t very picky when it comes to choosing a place (in the sense she will not always demand we go “somewhere nice”)… we can eat nicely or eat casually – that to me is very important. If she asked me to take her to a nice place EVERY time and expected me to pay, then for sure my mind would start noticing something wrong. I dislike wasting food, so I always try to not over-order and I expect the same of bebe. I would never have an issue for paying for food she can eat, but I would be upset if she ordered lots and didn’t eat it. Having a “bit of food left” at the end is very different than “ordering a table full of food to eat a plate.” I love the way that bebe makes me feel good about never having given me flack for places I’ve taken her in terms of whether it was “up to her standards” e.g high-class restaurant versus a locals joint. I think I noticed that most when I was with her in HK where she was more than happy to accompany to eat at not-so-nice places. I followed through by reading a question a reader posted up on the AskMEN site… http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_100/132_relationship_expert.html entitled “Does She Love Me For My Money?” – it makes you think although this is definitely NOT how I feel about bebe.
My mom said she recommended me to sometimes stay at home and do things with bebe and just cook together. Bebe in the past have told me she dislikes when we eat at home because she has to do the dishes. I always tell her I can do the dishes if she doesn’t want to. I don’t want this to become a valid excuse for her not to eat at home. My mom says that the “highest level of genuineness from a girl” is making a meal with each other at home. She should be willingly to make a meal for a guy, not necessarily “the best meal ever” – but showing that she doesn’t always want to just dine out and that cooking as a couple is not simply the objective of “putting food in our mouths” – but a FUN experience of COOKING TOGETHER. This isn’t something I’ve never thought of before, in fact, the past month I’ve been always offering to let’s cook at her house. It has hurt me that each time she always uses the “dishes” excuse… and let’s just say IF dishes are a problem, can she not at least find it in her to eat at home sometimes? Sure it is a hassle, but I’m not asking her to do that on EVERY date, just that being able to spend time in the kitchen with each other, learning a new recipe or trying a new meal – even if we FAIL it, at least we have an experience and memory. Right now, this is the only thing I’m kind of upset about on why we HAVEN’T done this yet – why does she a) use the same excuse, b) not just be willing to do the dishes regardless of the complaint and c) learn to appreciate some home-cooked meals with me. I like “variations” in my life… I do not expect her to invite me over every night to eat, but I also don’t want to go out to eat all the time and not have HER at least sacrifice a bit of her unwillingness to do the dishes/make a mess as a justification for not being in the house/kitchen. I kind of got annoyed when I was looking at pictures I had saved on my phone with bebe, I could clearly note she had parties with her friends at her house (with the kitchen clearly visible) – so my challenging question to her would be why you let YOUR friends come over and prepare food in the kitchen, but not ME? This has only been a small matter for me, but I can slowly feel it manifesting inside me towards dissatisfaction of “equality” between her friends and I and the lack of motivation for her to “do something for me.”
Anyways, last night really ended up well so I don’t want to let something small make me question her motives and feelings. I need to be more positive about outlook at things she does because sometimes her actions does make me think, but at the same time, I’m not going to be too hasty and judge her too quickly. Obviously if something’s amidst over time, then I will act on it, otherwise, it may be just a simple “phase” thing that she’s going through. Maybe it just doesn’t cross bebe’s mind that something as simple as “not offering to cook at home” is not offensive, but to me, it makes me wonder WHY a girl who I’ve been with this long hasn’t at least offered once to make something for me at home but fobbing me off with excuses. I know her kitchen isn’t in the best condition or the most romantic setting, but come on… If I have to pressure her to do it, then it has no meaning. Sometimes I think we need to do things from the heart and not simply because we have to be “asked” to do something. Maybe this is the problem with girls who have not had more relationship experience, so maybe I do need to “teach” her these things or explain to her “this is how I see the current situation”… but ya…. well who knows, maybe she’ll kick up the role a bit later. Even if she doesn’t know how to cook a lot, at least we can make “quick-fix foods” or she can even feel motivated enough to LEARN something just for the sake of making a sweet-dinner.
My mom truly believes that girls should be “responsible” as well when it comes to paying on dates… it’s not a matter of being so calculative as in… the bill is $50, so therefore you owe $25 and I will pay $25… but a matter of that there should be equality and an acceptance of responsibility and not being the rung through the dryer. I don’t mind bebe not always paying particularly because she’s still using her parents money and not earning any income, so hopefully she’ll start being a bit more prudent about us doing stuff together around-the-house and making food together as a way for us to “become closer.” I know for the rest of my life I will be catering for bebe and that’s MY fault for loving her so deeply and to allow myself to do that… but I also want a bit of that ‘return’… which bebe has told me she’s not ready to return that sacrifice yet… but everyone has a tolerance level and it’s like those nuclear reactors in Japan… those reserves can withstand a degree pressure, lack of water to keep it cool and can go without maintenance for a bit… but not giving it water when it needs it and letting it wear down to a dangerous point is a recipe for an explosion. I don’t want to ever have to reach that point where I need to point out to her that she treats her friends better than me and that she’s not being “fair” about it and have me even become explosive on her friends – because that won’t be nice… maintain those reactors, do patch-work, be diligent about keeping the water levels topped up and all will be fine. Excuses don’t cut it in a relationship, the only PRACTICAL solution is to do something about it.
Just like one of my annoyed friends use to say when he saw those “closed” signs on business doors, “Sorry, we are closed at the moment.” and he always hissed, “If you were fucking ‘sorry’ then you would be OPEN right now!” — lol… I mentioned to bebe that I’m free during the weekdays too if she wants to go out or whatever, whether she’s returning back to town or whether she wants me to go out there to meet her… I wonder whether she’ll actually heed it.