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Overwhelming Depression

Today, there’s a lot to be happy about….. actually, just being alive is a blessing everyday, one that many of us, take for granted. When we’re alive, we have just as much to moan about as we do worrying about dying. Those who are enlightened enough not to fear death are truly the ones who live to the fullest extent. With that said, these are one of the less happier days even though there is so much cause for happiness.

Waking up in the morning today, I felt tired as usual, much due to the fallout of Thursday last week. From then to today, my sleeps have not been as energizing as they once were. I do not wake up each day with a sense of strength each day but instead, another day of fear… fear of the negativity surrounding our relationship, fear that she will do something hasty, fear that I cannot control myself and fear that if I keep stressing over things, I’ll end up causing myself to get cancer or something. The #1 cancer-causing agent in the body, is stress and I have plenty of it.

I remember the days where my Mom and Dad would be in the living room or in the car where they’d retell their love story. My dad would always leave out one part of the story, but which my mom had to dutifully fill in. My maternal grandmother at the time, disliked my father. Although my mom and dad played very much “by the rules” – picked her up, had her back home on time and safely, made sure to bring gifts when visiting, my dad was not very well liked. Remembering when my dad proposed the idea of marrying my mother to my maternal grandmother, she initially was against it. However, we all know the power of love and that the fact both my mom and dad was going to do it whether it was consented or not. However, my dad once did say to my grandmother that he would kill himself if she did not let him marry my mother.

I always thought to myself, what foolish man would suicide over a lover. Today, the 2nd time of relationship despair, I wondered if what my father said is not so crazy anymore. No, I am not suicidal and I’m not about to jump off a building, there’s still rationality within me. Nevertheless, I can fully understand what it feels like to be hurt so deeply by relationship that one would consider life not worth living. It was only a month or two ago that her and I began to talk again and already, we have stepped backward. For all the progress we made, she has reverted to hiding in her little cubby hole. I am frustrated to no end and I’m not sure hitting the boxing bag really gets the anger out of me anymore. Firing 80 shots repeatedly until my fingers hurt don’t seem to give me that stress relief. Even if someone were to cut me off and I went road-rage on them and killed them, I would still not feel satisfied. I am in a deep state of wondering how one human could inflict so much damage on another one, including the damage that has been done to me. Why should I not hurt others when it is so rightful for someone else to do the same to me? Yes, this is completely irrational and I’m sure by the time I finish this post, this will no longer apply.

After work, I drove to the top of the mountain today and screamed as loud as I could and that gave my mind time to wind down. I hate the world right now, I hate the idea that there is a God because if there is an his intention was for humans to suffer, he’s got that right. I am suffering in deep misery right now and it has made me question whether life is really as grand as we all make it out to be. Is it so fun that I have to be ignored by a girl who I deeply care about, is that what my life is supposed to be? Tell me oh-God-of-infinite-wisdom why I was born, why was I not one of the lucky ones who never learned to feel pain and just have died when I was born (or even before)? Although I am not suicidal, I would be lying if I told people that killing myself to rid me of these relationship pains have not crossed my mind at one point. I always watched those TVB series where people would stand on top of a mountain or beach and just scream until they could scream no more. I thought one would have to be crazy to believe that brings relief… but it does.

Rewind a bit was my slightly happy moment when I got to work and opened my office door… there she was in all her glory, the XFX Radeon HD 5870 I’ve been waiting for, sitting on my desk – put there by my boss! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been drooling for days and I think had it not been for all my relationship troubles the past few days, I would have been a bit more excited. I did thank my boss for such a wonderful gift, but I wish I was in a better mood to really feel the moment of happiness. No, it is not possible… it is consumed by the overwhelming desire that I wanted to throw to box out the window because all these materialistic things that we think bring us happiness truly don’t. What is this… this item mean to me, when I don’t even deserve to be spoken to by my girlfriend? I spent most of my day staring at my monitor as that’s all I could bear to concentrate on.

My happy moment of the day was when one of my coworkers caught my less-than-cheery mood. We closed the door and she sat in my office for an hour and we talked and I poured my heart out to her. I think by the end, she looked like she could cry too from being so touched at all the things I had to say. She’s a young and beautiful woman who has gone through a divorce and has finally found out the realities of a relationship. She said that when people are young, their goals in a relationship is much different than between two matured individuals. What you look for is more practical than through the fairy tale dreams. She said she wouldn’t’ have it “any other way” to her current relationship where her husband is 10 years older, the total opposite of her and where they get into long and heated arguments… but at the end of the day, they’re proud parents to two lovely kids and a loving marriage. She brought into perspectives the reality of two individuals forming a family and that what people expect of each other is much different than every little girl’s dream of being whisked away to the “Happily Ever After” world.

She does not deny that the chemistry and dynamics are what uphold her and her husband’s relationship, even though they have very differing views. Likewise, I apply it to my own relationship such that there is an irrefutable amount of chemistry, albeit the disagreements and arguing. At the end of the day, I can vent as much as possible through my blog, to friends or to the sorry punching bag that has to deal with my rage, but I care about her very much and she simply is the way she is. She inspired me to think about whether my relationship with my girlfriend is simply out of lustful desire or true compassion and understanding. I felt empowered after chatting with her, because through the past 5 days of me being brushed aside once again, she’s reawaken my powers to carry on. It is not easy and those who have fought tooth-and-nail for your significant other can relate to my pain. Some relationships comes together easily and some come together with a FUCK LOAD of work – but both have a common ground – to love and care for one another ’til death do them part.

I for one, have decided I will not quit although I have thought about it. My coworker shared many of the advice that many of my concerned readers gave me – commitment and patience. Words make it sound easy, but after going through 6 months prior to this of being cast aside, I could tell them anxiety, pain and DAILY mind-fuck that she has caused. There is a Chinese saying, “食唔安, 坐唔落” (Can not eat peacefully, can not sit peacefully) and imagine going through that for half a year, while still trying to go about daily-life and you can feel just a morsel of my pain. And now you wonder why I feel life is not worth living? I breathe in hard though, her words were clear to me… “Do not give up.” … and I shall not! Perhaps in a way, I am mad at myself for over-spoiling her and allowing her to think it’s right to treat me like this.. but no amount of blame ever softens the pain that the heart feels. Every day is a living hell until we can speak normally to each other again… when that will be, I don’t know… I do not wish to act hastily and I want to wait until a time of her choosing, but I will not stand idly by either.

It is almost laughable that in a way, I’m glad my workplace has a comprehensive medical coverage policy. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad of an idea, not because I have a psychological disorder, but just someone to listen to me talk. There’s only a few of my friends who I involve in my relationship ups/downs and they are certainly not always available. Perhaps a bit of encouragement, motivation and giving me back a sense of self-worth as a human-being with feelings is what I need from a doctor, haha. Suffice to say, I don’t need a psychiatrist… all I need is my family and her, that is all I ask. In a way, I find it freaky that I feel more PAINED over this than I do with the deathly absence of my father. Although I miss him greatly, I feel rather guilty that she can bring so much more pain than the death of my own dad.

I tell myself not to give up, not to think too much, go about my daily life normally, not to take my anger out on others because they don’t deserve it and a bunch of other “positive motivators” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to endure this a day at a time and quite frankly, I actually realized why it is so easy to want to take the easy-way-out. I think after all this, I ought to work at one of the kids help hotlines because I have gone through all this. It suddenly dawned upon me why (as invalid as it may seem) kids would ever want to do self-inflicted injuries. Today when I sat there looking out my window, I wanted to punch it so I could feel the pain of hurting myself. I wondered what idiot (yes, me) would actually consider doing that? I remember one of my friends who went kind of nutty one time told me that because he was so depressed that he’d often enjoy cutting himself, smashing himself in the face or jumping off high places and I thought it was weird that anyone would WANT to feel pain… and now I realize, when you go through emotional pain, that physical pain seems like a walk in the park. I never quite understood why I hear about people who willingly hurt themselves and now I understand.

I suppose many of those people who end up on those hotlines are those who have suffered it first-hand before. It takes someone who’s really been there to know how these feelings feel. It is not something that can be taught in school or described in a seminar, one must feel and have experienced it to know the damage that distraught can cause. This isn’t even close to a scenario of a 1-day argument, this is long-term damage that will take a long time, if ever, to mend. Although at some point or another we will begin to talk again, in the back of my mind, I wonder if she’ll revert to the same state like this now. How many times will she do this to me? What will it take to stop her from doing this? Does she need to learn? What influences her to make such rash decisions like this? Is there someone influencing her and talking bad things about me? How can I help her so that her obligations to other things don’t affect us? We all have obligations, I need to go to work, but doesn’t mean I can’t balance her in my life. She has school, but it doesn’t mean she can’t balance me either… she just chooses not to, i.e ignoring me and then the second some other obligations comes up, then I’m just a piece that gets “set aside for later”. It is frustrating that I’m even starting to view myself as being so insignificant that something like watching a movie, playing a game or talking to her friends has more value than I do. I truly hope she will not play the ignoring-game as long as she did last time. I was once such a self-confident person… what has happened to me….?

The only thing that made me smile for longer than 5 seconds today were these pictures I caught in my front yard…. I’m not a photographer by the way, so I’m not asking you to share your mind with how crappy my pictures are. If you do, expect shit thrown back in your face. The pictures are clickable for full-resolution and I think they’re worth seeing in full-size at how beautiful the bird is…. much more beautiful than my current mood no doubt.

I wish I could be as carefree (and I don’t mean the pantiliner) as this bird… Now if you’ll excuse me from my blog, perhaps I will resume crying as I have been previously… Ya, I’m not the big macho-man. I want her in my arms right now… everything will be perfect then….

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