What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…
You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….
So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”
Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?
I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.
Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.
My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.
I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.
It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.
I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.
These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.
Because I love her.
I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?
Blah – I want to eat.