So another great date-night… isn’t it a great trend lately that I’ve been having great days? Life is starting to really become enjoyable. I mean look back at the history of my blog and you will see much depression and anxiety… often mixing in with frustration and anger. Today was a beautiful night with many reasons making it so. Today, bebe and I decided to do a “typical date” night.. you know, the whole ‘dinner and a movie’ thing – LOL. As long as we have been dating, we have not done this before, so it was a nice experience. We’ve always found very abstract things to do with each other, but a movie just “never came to mind” – or I should correctly say, it never came to my mind since I’m not a movie goer (but a movie WATCHER), but I see why it’s so enjoyable now. Suffice to say, watching inside a cinema is definitely more expensive than at home, but hey, once in a while it’s ok. Like I said, I want our dating to be “balanced” and “reasonable”… i.e going out all the time would become a burden, so being able to do stuff around the house is nice as well. If it was expected that every date is a dinner + activity + movie, then it’d get rather pricey… not that I wouldn’t be willing, but then I’d certainly have to cut back elsewhere.
Anyways, we watched BEASTLY [Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen]… not a bad movie and although I would not say “wow” I wouldn’t say “nay” either… rather indifferent. That’s not to say bebe didn’t choose a good movie, because it was probably already one of the better one of all the ones we could’ve chosen from. Again, I tried asking bebe if she wants to hold hands during the movie… and still, no go. I had thought maybe she wanted to do a movie with me (it was her suggestion) as a “signal” that perhaps she is ready for some physical intimacy, but alas I lied to myself once again. I wasn’t upset… because I’ve kind of hit that point where I just feel that each time is a ‘chance’ and an opportunity for me to ask. Back a while ago, I would get frustrated every time bebe “rejected” me… but now, every time is a brand new chance and because I know bebe isn’t the type of girl to take initiative. I know I will have to continually ‘ask’ and one time succeed, but she would definitely not be the one to ask ME if I wanted to hold her hands or for her to offer. I can definitely see my level and tolerance and patience beginning to change to accommodate to her more resistant levels of intimacy. It’s a very sweet thing that I even see myself changing and growing “for” her. Had it been a month ago, I would’ve been very hurt, angry and it would kind of ruin my night. Now, I just accept it and think that, “next time will be another chance until she says yes!” – perhaps sad self-encouragement, but better than beating my self-confidence up over it.
During the movie, I did spot her body language… she sat “more to the left” when I was on the right-hand side. I’m not sure whether it’s just naturally her to shift to one side, I haven’t sat in a chair next to her enough to judge, or whether she’s implying she wants to “keep a distance.” Suffice to say, it took some time during the movie before I even mustered up the courage to ask her. When she shook her head, I felt kind of dejected… but hey, it has been THIS long already, what’s one more time? 🙄 Then about 10 minutes later, she tapped me and for a moment, my heart was really happy thinking that she finally changed her mind or felt that “spark”… but nope, once again… it was just because she wanted me to shuffle in so she could go to the washroom -__-” At that point I just gave up and didn’t want to affect the night by putting too much pressure. Many people often wonder why I ask, because it is always kind of weird… because usually things like that, holding hands, touching shoulders, embracing hugs and the surprize kiss is usually just something that “happens” and most people don’t ask for permission or anything. Indeed, it would give bebe less time to react and I would actually be able to pull it off, but that’s not the point. The point is, even something as simple as holding hands, is very akin to having sex. You do something, because you FEEL and WANT to… I want bebe to feel and want to hold my hands, not a matter of obligation or pressure. It’s kind of like having “loveless” sex (I’m sure plenty will disagree with me here, but this is MY stance)… sure, you have it and possibly even have an orgasm, but in the end, it has no meaning. I could grab her hands, hold it and she may let me without making a fuss, but if neither of us feels that “connection” – then it is a meaningless to hold hands. I want to always give bebe that opportunity to accept and that’s why I keep asking, so she feels like she doesn’t have to be the one to “take the step” – but at the same time, I also want to wait until she’s ready – and thus, I feel that meaningless hand-holding is like having sex with a stranger who you have no feelings for.
I know bebe could tell that I wasn’t thrilled about her not accepting, which wasn’t a huge “problem” for me… I’ve already been a failure this many times right? I don’t blame her, I blame myself… what kind of terrible boyfriend am I who can’t make his girlfriend “feel” like holding his hand? But anyways, bebe’s getting much better at reading me now, which is really nice. After we got back into the foyer of the cinema, I found a little arcade center there so I went in and took a look. She snuck up on me while I was reading the “instructions” on one of the games. I’m not sure whether she meant to or not… but she gave me this light little touch/put her hands on my wrist… I’m not sure if that meant anything, but it certainly made me happy. It didn’t go any further than that and she only did it for less than a second, so I’m not sure whether she pulled away because it was “an accident” she held me like that or whether it truly was something from within her.
Oh right… how did I even skip this far anyways? LOL… so before we went to the cinema, backtracking a bit, we went to a “jok fun mien fan” place… (Congee, Dough-Noodles, Noodles and Rice)… Hong-Kong style Chinese eatery. Bebe and I had some really interesting conversations and more importantly, they were very relaxed and close. The attentiveness to each other was high and we truly connected in those conversations together. The conversations weren’t even so much about “each other” – but just the fact the topics brought us together. Furthermore, we both got to learn stuff about each other and shared a bit of our history and stuff. The important part was there were lots of revelations about each other, so it was a very successful and informative dinner. I could tell that bebe was more “engaged” and also feeling very comfortable/open. Although having dated bebe for this long, I still get the ‘pre-date jitters’… even the hour before leaving the house, I keep on thinking, “oh, what are we going to talk about?” and try to think of topics… but it’s like whenever we get together, the topics just come naturally. It’s so beautiful 🙂
So I “formally” met one of her friends today… well, formal may not be the perfect expression, but more or less I got to meet one of her friends, was introduced and was not “an accident” like the prior time I met her friends. Definitely a nice girl and I’d for sure want to get to know her better, but I’m sure it’ll take a while to break the ice too. I was cautious this time because bebe had told me her friend is rather shy and that I should be careful about being too aggressive (conversationally) with her. Being an avid person who likes to “read body language” – I could tell her friend wasn’t ready to have rapid-conversation with me yet, so I kind of spoke to her on an as-needed basis and whenever I did, I also “included” bebe in the conversation so she would feel more comfortable communicating with me. All-in-all, I’m not sure what kind of “impression” I made on her friend, but at least I didn’t screw anything up. I kind of think how much it sucks that the reason why I even got to meet one of bebe’s friends was because I offered to fix her computer, but hey, at least I got to meet one… although I wish it was on a less “official” or “business-like” matter. Go figure that when I was introduced, she didn’t give me a title… haha.
So I dropped them off and called it a night. Her friend was definitely “smart” about it… she walked ahead in case bebe and I wanted to ‘do’ anything (ya right, I wish…. no goodnight kiss as usual) and to give us some privacy. I already knew at the start of the night that if bebe and her friend leaves together, she will not likely give me a hug. Still, every time I leave her I only get a hug if I ask for one, she never offers… in fact, we should not only be hugging when we part, but even when we first see each other and throughout the time we spend together. Intimacy should not only be for “occasion” or an “event” during the day. But anyways, yes, I realized if I was dropping them off, bebe would likely be “too embarrassed” (yes, because I am an embarrassment of a boyfriend) to give me a hug with her friend present, so I had already expected it. However, oddly enough, she stopped as she was about to close the door, turned around and gave me some parting words for the night. They were genuine, nice and made me feel good – perhaps I guess she knew I was waiting for my hug which I was clearly not getting, so decided to at least say a few things to me… The smile on her face… was amazingly warm and felt like she was “reaching out” to me, knowing that I wanted something that she wasn’t ready to give in the presence of her friends (which I suppose I expected/understood). Something about that smile of hers though… her smiles have always touched me before, but never like this… it was so gentle, as if we are finally “connecting” with each other profoundly.
Bebe and I are starting to become more and more like a couple, I can feel it and I can tell that comfort-level is growing between us. Though we are far from intimacy or even simple physical contact, I know that she’s definitely trying her hardest and that I am trying to do my best to be “Mr. Right” for her. Although there are times I wonder how it’s acceptable for her to want ME to change, but not to change for me, I guess she has it right when it comes down to the fact that she’s making much effort for herself to “feel” for me and that in itself is ‘changing’ her… I suppose people may REALLY chastise me for my “one-track mind” in always expecting my favourite type of information from her, so I’m just going to shut-up about it. To me, her telling me that stuff isn’t just simply satisfying curiosity, but a sign of comfort and acceptance. Until she’s ready to tell me more about that stuff, I still sometimes feel that pang. At the same time, I feel honoured and very special that she at least discusses SOME with me, so I should always bite my tongue and not complain. Maybe one day, just one day soon, she’ll whisper in my ears, “I’m on right now” and smile at me 😀 That would make everything great! See… maybe I lie and sometimes I do have a dirty little mind, but at least I’m honest about it. I can’t deny my “passion” for that stuff, but also, because bebe has been very generous to accepting my ‘flaw’ of loving menstruation. I wish I could stop using this as a “determiner” – because it’s not fair that I use this to judge her comfort with me – although she has admitted that night when I mentioned periods that she told me not to push back down her comfort with me which was a bit crushing/disappointing, but whatever, she DOES have a point which I can’t deny.
It has been a wonderful night we had and although I did not accomplish much in terms of making a “great” impression on her friend, at least I did get to finally meet one ‘officially’ and more importantly, tonight I could truly feel that “couples feeling” when bebe and I were together. More importantly as well was I also got to see how bebe is like when she’s with her friends and it’s WONDERFUL — because I need her friends to bring out that carefree and relaxed girl that bebe can only be when she’s around her friends. I suppose it gives me a BIT of jealousy that her friends can bring that happiness out of her while I can’t, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time! All that matters for now is we’re actually taking steps in stride now, rather than going backwards. I should not make this whole period-information thing a big deal (but can’t deny it makes me feel NICE when she does tell me things), because I always tell her to learn to appreciate me for who I am/what I do/that I’m around… I should heed my own words and be grateful for her as well, she is a BLESSING to me.
Still no hand-holding or a passionate kiss yet… but one day… one day soon – because I believe we can make it!
Ah, another weekend gone already! Damn, two days is way to short! However, I guess I do have Tuesday off for vacation day (the last of my overtime) and then I we have Thursday off for the upcoming Canada Day!
So I have a pretty engaging weekend, in fact, I must say it actually felt long since there was so much done! On Saturday, my friends and I arranged to meet up at a Canadian-Chinese buffet. Actually to be fair, it is a Canadian-Chinese-Japanese buffet, lol. They had your usual “basic” Chinese food like battered shrimp, wonton, fried chicken, fries, salads, desserts and etc. They also had a small selection of Japanese sushi, salmon, California and avocado. Obviously it is not a place you’d go to “impress people” but every once in a while the group of us likes to hang out for “Chinese food” at places that our parents would mock us. The price is $6.99 and while you should not expect amazing decor and perfect service, the food quality surpasses the $6.99 expectations. It was a bit of a drive since I had to go out to Mississauga (about 35 minute drive), but I think I go out there more than I hang out in my own city, haha.
After lunch, we went to a mall and shopped around a bit. I’m not much of a “buyer” of things, so I just pretty much tagged along and just chatted while a couple of my other friends bought stuff. We happened upon a store that had these crazy clearances. Could you imagine, $2.50 for a robed-hoodie (not sure if that’s actually what it’s called – that’s what my friends called it, haha). It was so cute and came in grey or blue! I really wanted to buy one for my girlfriend, only to realize I don’t know what she fits in, LOL. Isn’t it sad? haha. I supposed XS and S would’ve done it, but the last thing you ever want to do is the buy a girl the wrong size (especially if it’s too big – ‘cuz then she thinks you’re calling her fat)! I know she’d like it because it’s definitely something she would wear (based on tastes of her clothing that I pick up on 😛 – I’m not totally retarded, haha).
However, I ended up not getting it because I don’t know when she’ll get over the cold shoulders and start talking to me again 😦 It has been a month of unhappiness and partial anger – bleh. I know this time it has only been a month and a bit, compared to 6 months of last time… but still, my temper and patience has limits. I don’t understand why I give her the “best of myself” and my happy-face but she wants to see my anger and vengeance side so much. I thought most people would much rather see someone happy than when they’re a volcano waiting to erupt. I suppose if I could answer every question about what/why people think the way they do, it’ll be the day I can answer the meaning of life.
Anyways, we returned to my friend’s house and we all watched a movie. Most of us fell asleep on the first one because we all felt fatigued after a buffet lunch! My friend’s boyfriend had to go to work, so the rest of us watched Blind Side starring Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw. This was the first time ever that I thought Sandra Bullock was so damn attractive – perhaps enhanced by the role she played in the movie. Watching Sandra Bullock throughout the movie was just ‘wow’! You might think that most of us watched this for “the hot woman” – but hardly, as the movie was actually picked by a girl and there was no revealing clothing or suggestive scenes. I’m not sure whether a movie like this would fall under the category of chick-flick, but I thought it was one of those movies with your typical “I want to cry”-happy endings. None of us fell asleep during this movie because it was great and probably because we were more awake now that we had our little snooze during the previous movie.
One of the girl’s were completely exhausted and then I ended up finding out that she was on her period and she tends to be more tired when that happens. Unfortunately having some previous health issues a few years ago, whenever she has her period and loses blood, she is not as energetic and easily-tired out. She didn’t tell me but I ended up finding out when I went to the washroom, the wastebasket was stacked up high with wrapped up pads and tampon applicators. It had been quite a few days since she got it and she barely had the mood to tackle emptying out the garbage. I offered to empty it out for her and bring it to the garbage chute, but she blushed and said she wouldn’t want me to have to get so close to her “dirty things” – not that I would’ve minded anyways. A few minutes after the 2nd movie ended, her boyfriend came home so we spent a bit of time decided what to do for dinner.
We all decided we wanted to go to Denny’s, since it was my friend’s fav and after all, we have to spoil her when she’s on her period (lol – I don’t think anyone else knew, just me… but I was enough to “sway the votes” haha). This is my first time trying Denny’s and it was excellent. The last time I saw it was in Niagara Falls and I’ve never had the chance to eat there (since we usually do a picnic or buffet there), so I finally got my chance 😛 Is it bad when I spoil my girls and girlfriend when they’re on their period? LOL… tsk tsk. I really wanted to try the milkshake there, but it was $4.29 (geezz) and it was like 9PM already so I really didn’t want to get too full and kill my daily calorie count (although the lunch buffet probably massacred that already :lol:).
As we were driving home, we couldn’t decide whether to call it a night or not. It was about 10:30 and their hot-tub/sauna/pool closes at 11, so we decided to soak ourselves for half an hour. I didn’t bring my shorts but luckily her boyfriend had one I could borrow and they had plenty of spare towels. We enjoyed our 1/2 hour steaming the fat outta ourselves due to spending a whole day stuffing our faces with food. It was about 11:20 when we got back upstairs (she lives in a Condo). I asked her boyfriend if I could “borrow” his girlfriend for a bit because I really wanted to take a walk outside just to spew about things and my relationship problems to her and listen to her worldly advice. We walked two condos over, which happens to be the same one where I dropped off my girlfriend last time to her friend’s. It was wonderful, I smiled and felt really happy. I remember the night I dropped her off after a beautiful dinner in Mississauga followed by a great weekend for the both of us. She was so cute as I got her luggage from my trunk and gave it to her. I remember the smiles, the warmth, her beauty, her shyness with not knowing how to ‘end the night’ and how happy I felt inside. I cannot wait until I can feel that same happiness again. We talked for a bit and then returned to her place. It was almost midnight but everyone was still up for a few rounds of The Beatles: Rockband, so we played that. We were surprized we managed to get through it without getting a call from security for disturbing the peace. We did try to tone it down of course out of courtesy of other tenants. I did vocals as usual and even attempted expert-mode (which I did successfully :D)!
One of the girl’s just crashed and we all decided it was time to call it a night. We all thanked them for hosting the party (rather casual one) and we all took our ways. I had to go pick up my mom from my aunt’s house, then headed on home. It was just shy of 2AM as I got home and I only spent about 1/2 hour on the computer mopping up from missed Facebooking, Twittering and MSNing as I had a ton of messages I needed to reply to… but, a few of them I left them for the next day since they weren’t urgent. I had no energy left to update MiM, so I apologize to those who received late replies from me 😛
Today I did not do much expect wrap up some paper-work for my business and play games on the computer. I woke up early to talk to Amy on Skype before she had to go to sleep and then my mom dragged me out later in the evening to mow the lawn and do some gardening. I painfully had to chop yet another (miniature) tree down and it totally killed me. We have this really shitty compliment of tools which aren’t “fit to do the job” … a 15 year-old axe that isn’t even sharp anymore. If you were to hit someone with that axe, you’d likely do more blunt damage than slashing damage. So this small little stump and it took me like 20 minutes to break through it. Also, it was low to the ground so I was crouched all that time and causing me to get some massive leg cramps. I thought it was really stupid because my mom sometimes likes just to “waste my time” as the stump didn’t need to be removed. NEED – being the keyword. I should mention that even being clothed in thick material and doused in mosquito-repellant, I still managed to get TWO black-fly bites square on my back and it’s HUGE – I haven’t even scratched it yet! I get annoyed with staying out too long because of mosquitoes, not because I dislike being outside.
Having done all that made me hungry, so as she made dinner, I didn’t have enough time to start a game with my friends yet, so I decided just to sit there and daydream about my girlfriend (lol… shhh…). I equate this to the way that Poh Ching just goes gaga over Taylor Lautner and how impossible it is for a guy to be as perfect as him… and I think how impossible it is for bebe to be so beautiful (inside AND out) that it blows my mind. Sometimes I even let out (MANLY!!!) giggles and yelps when I think of all the cute things she does and how awesome it is that she’s rather shy, LOL. I don’t even know what I want… do I want a shy girl or an outgoing girl? 😆 Men eh, we can’t make up our minds!
So yep… here I am, typing this now. I gotta get back to my TVB drama, so I’ll update here again soon! I’ve been working on getting the media transferred over to my Youtube account so that I can start sharing playlists and favourites on here. It’s hard to integrate it to here because of media restrictions for the “unpaid” version of WordPress, but oh well, I’m sure I can get around it!
Toodles for now, night everyone.