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Being the Last

Today, my 2nd of 3 cousins have left and I’m in the final stretch of my vacation with only 7 days to go. In 5 more days, my last cousin will leave and 2 days afterward, it will be my turn to depart. It seems like on every vacation, I always end up being the last one to leave and thus, I have to see everyone go before me. This is kind of a morbid comparison to the elderly who live long, but have to see all their family and friends go before them, LOL. I have to be the one to watch tears and muffled voices every time since I’m the last to return home. Although I have learned to control my emotions a lot better within the past few years, usually by the time I return home to Ontario, there’s a good period of post-holiday depression – making me wonder whether it’s a good idea to even go on vacation in the first place 😛

This vacation has been fairly ordinary with my family and it’s not to downplay my enjoyment of my family-time and Hong Kong, but I definitely feel the fact bebe came to HK to spend a few days of me has been the highlight of this trip. As I’m flipping through my many digital pictures on my computer, I smile and feel so warm seeing those short, but beautiful days bebe and I had together. I am very grateful to her aunt and uncle who so generously gave her a place to stay and it being particularly important factor whether bebe would come to HK at all. I certainly hope they will come to Ontario one day where I can return the favour. They can certainly rest assured as well that I will do my best to take care of bebe in the future and treat her well.

I’m at over a thousand pictures already and have no consolidated pictures taken on other cameras yet. I am quite satisfied with the numbers of products I have been able to test this trip and have taken pictures and written down notes for my review(s). Perhaps on my next trip, there will be newer products or a chance for me to tackle the more “optional” ones. By the next trip, I hope to visit Taiwan, Beijing and if bebe is available as well, I’d love to visit Malaysia. I hope by then we will also be on better terms and on the road to a flourishing/successful relationship.

Today has been a sad day for one of my cousins on my mom’s side. We met her for dinner tonight as she will be leaving on vacation and won’t be back until the night before we leave (which means she won’t have time to catch us), but I found her in a very sour mood today. As we sat down at the restaurant, she didn’t say much and just watched one of the series that was playing on TV. It was a firefighter series, so this episode, one of the “scenarios” was of a girl trying to commit suicide. After a minute of watching that scenario, she ran out of the restaurant crying and I was thinking to myself, “How shit, the series wasn’t THAT depressing/emotional was it?” Then I held her as she cried and only after the crying/sobbing was over, that I found out just this morning, one of her friends had committed suicide.

Hearing about something like this happen is quite tragic and unfortunate. This particularly hit home because this person died because of love. It isn’t “uncommon” per se to hear about this, but just the other day bebe and I had a conversation about this when I was telling her how serious I felt about her. I’m honestly not sure how rational of a person I am, I mean, when bebe was ignoring me and stuff, I felt like I wanted to die. I’m not going to debate the merits of suicide and whether killing yourself over love is a particularly smart thing to do, but honestly, it is not that I have not thought about it before. The feeling of relationship problems are crushing and even I mentioned to bebe that I would actually feel hurt enough to kill myself if we lost our relationship. Now suffice to say feeling something is different than actually carrying it out. Nevertheless, I was trying to convey to her that my feelings for her are real and strong, that she is certainly is as important as life itself.

Some might feel that killing oneself for the sake of love is foolish, but anyone who has ever been hurt by love know the pain of it. The thought of this was just very interesting given that I had just talked about this a week ago with bebe and how I’m serious about her, not just playing around and that I’d likely contemplate (or have contemplated) killing myself before over her. When you love someone deep enough, it just seems like you can’t imagine the world without them. As I recall from stories of my parent’s past, my dad said the same thing to my mom when they were courting. I think it’s a sure sign of true love when the feelings are so strong that one’s life can be compared with a want of a loved-one. When I sit here and think about how lucky I am and thanks to bebe’s persistence that we were able to meet in HK, I truly feel blessed.

The only thing in the past few years that have made leaving more bearable is the fact I’m returning more often than before. Knowing that I plan to return to home to see my family and friends here every 2 years makes it much easier to leave with a smile and not sorrow. I used to cry every time someone left or I left, but now that I have the financial capacity to return on a regular basis softens the blow. Making small trips here and there or having family/friends come visit me back in Ontario also really helps curb that feeling of loneliness and being far away and heck, the internet with VoIP and Webcam has brought people 20,000 km’s away stay connected and feeling close. Whenever I want to see my cousins or family, I just smack on the webcam, stick on the headset and I feel like I’m sitting right next to them!

It sucks that in a few days, I’ll have to leave the comfort behind, but I think I’ve been spoiled for long enough already! I need to head back to Ontario where my life is normalized and where I’m not spoiled out of my mind by the ease of things being available at my beckon. I find I cherish my family, friends and locations much more when I don’t overdo it. Seeing people one-too-many times lessens the excitement and staying in Hong Kong for a bit too long dries out the “hype” of being here, so the best things in life comes in small, yet enjoyable quantities 😀

Good Person Gone Bad – Karma Fails

Intriguing title, no?

On Friday, it was just an ordinary work-day, did a bit here and there, diddly-dallied with some coworkers and then had lunch with one of our temporary employees who was working his last day to return to school. It’s sad to see him go, but hopefully his next work placement, he will be back. Other than his thick Chinese accent when speaking English, he’s a very hard worker and a smart one. My dad and I were the first two Chinese people ever hired within our department. I remember my boss jokingly told me one time that, “If we hired 5 Chinese people, they could replace the entire department at the rate you guys work at!” and I laughed. I used to be just like that, at work early, work hard throughout the entire day and work later than everyone else.

Perhaps a cultural thing, but over 4-5 months of working there, I already adopted the same laziness as everyone else. Everyone thinks this is some conspiracy (jokingly) that they’re beginning to hire more Chinese people because we tend to put in the “extra effort” to get the job done and even the work-term student we got is Chinese. It’s not to say there aren’t people of different background and cultures who work equally, if not more, hard – but the reality is you will find that the general consensus is that we’re so used to pushing ourselves “back at home” that here in Canada, it is actually “above and beyond” what is expected.

Anyways, yes, so we went to eat Japanese Buffet (Sushi) and this is already the second time in the same week. I really didn’t want to because you know, you tend to try to get your monies worth at a buffet, so essentially you’re walking a path of unhealthiness. Suffice to say, we had a great time and the department is back to one Asian person – me 😆 Although I didn’t work directly with him or even talk to him a lot, it feels lonely when you’re the only person “of another culture” at work. You could say I work in a very white-oriented organization.

OK, so enough of that… let’s rewind to Thursday because I have no idea why I jumped ahead. I have a very disorganized brain. Thursday was a severely fucked up day. A few weeks ago I had asked my cousin whether she wanted me to pick up her from the airport and drop her off at her place in Toronto. I miss my cousin because we don’t see each other a lot, even if we’re only a mere 70km away from each other and if you’re not an Ontarian, you need to know 70km is not considered “far”. I thought if I picked her up at the airport, it’d be a nice way to spend a bit of time together before (her) school starts again.

Unfortunately she did not confirm that she wanted to have me pick her up and just the previous night before her return, she told me that she needed a ride. Ack, because on the same evening, I had committed myself to going to a friend’s birthday dinner. The good thing is that it was a guy’s birthday dinner, so it was easier for me to tell him I had to leave after an hour. It was great because we went to the same place I mentioned above, for Japanese food,  but dinner menu also offers my favourite, SASHIMI!! I only had an hour to stuff myself and it’s pretty painful to do that, but I also needed to get out to the airport. It takes an hour for me to get there and as luck would have it, there was a bit of heavy rainfall that slow traffic down a bit. However, I did get there on time and picked her up.

We had a nice chat on the ride back to her place in Toronto downtown. I hate driving in downtown because you have to contend with so much shit. Pedestrians, motorists nor bikers follow the laws of the road, they simply do as they see fit. I love Canada for all the amenities we have and that we protect human rights, but sometimes it’s just too much. I wish we’d adopt a bit of China’s rules when it comes to traffic. For instance, if you step out on the street when you’re not supposed to and someone hits you, you deserve it. The person who hit you should not have to pay you insurance because you violated the law and if you lost a leg – TOO FUCKING BAD. In China, if you get hit while crossing illegally, it’s your own damn fault. We give way too much credit to human rights here that people begin to abuse it. Back on track – so yes, I dislike driving in Toronto downtown because people are not careful and respectful of others needs. However, sometimes driving there is unavoidable. About 9ish, I arrived at my cousins place with her. All I have to say is her place is damn spiffy and times like these, I wish I were born into a rich family. 2 months of rent for her is about a year’s worth of property tax for me. I parked the car at her place because she had a parking spot. We walked over to a quaint little diner across the street and she got a waffle and I had a ice cream float. At first I thought the prices were a bit steep but once I saw the portion-size, my eyes exploded. Still being extremely full from eating a buffet dinner, obviously I could not even put anymore food in my body.

We departed and I began to drive home and here’s where the fucked up part begins. As I’m headed towards the highway exit, the left rear-side of my car gets hit by a fucking bus because the asshole probably didn’t bother checking his blind-spot on a lane change. As we weren’t moving very fast (luckily), the damage was minimal. I think he was very afraid because he pulled back in his lane and waited for me to flag him down to the side to exchange insurance information. I looked at my side mirror to check for visible damage – nothing. I looked in my rear mirror to check for trunk damage – nothing. I know the impact wasn’t very great because I’ve been rear-ended before and it was very similar, just a “tap” and probably traded a bit of paint.

Having something like that happened pissed me off because as I said, I hate driving in Toronto. When you’re a bus driver, you have more than just the life of yourself in your hands – ALL the passenger on it lie in your driving skills and how can you ignore something as basic as checking your blind spot. I thought about stopping since you’re supposed to, but I couldn’t be assed for several reasons. One was because the damage wasn’t severe and two was because I just turned 25 and my insurance went down, the last thing I want to do is to claim $50 of damage and have my premiums go up by a thousand. Screw it I thought – he’s probably shitting himself already and that’s enough vengeance as it stands. Had I not recently had an insurance premium drop as a result of my age, you sure as hell would expect me to make him stop and exchange information! Times like these I also wish we had a bit of United States within us where citizens could carry guns legally. I’d probably get out of my car and shot that bus or put a bullet through the drivers head for such blatant disregard of shitty lane-changing. Toronto downtown streets are tight and people just care about themselves and thus I avoid driving there. I didn’t bother stopping only because it was for the sake of myself – so this guy/girl should really consider him/herself REALLY REALLY lucky. Of course I know by law you should stop either way, but oh well. By the time I got home and got out of the car, it was only a long white streak and some cosmetic damage to the rear bumper.

Rather than telling my mom a bus hit me, I just told her someone bumped into my car in the parking lot at work. It was for the best and although I hate lying to my own mother, she’d be very worried if she found out I was in an accident. Also, people were already asking why my cousin didn’t just take the bus/taxi home instead of having me drive from one city to another to get her and drop her off and then having to go back home. Even my aunt who happened to talk to my mom on the phone in the evening when I was out asked the same question. I suppose you can say I spoil my cousin. A bit of the reason is because when I was younger, I had a massive crush on her, so I cannot deny that I might “do a bit more for her” as opposed to someone else. I’m a guy and I’m a sucker for girls – what can I say? LOL. Suffice to say, if I told my mom I got into an accident in Toronto as a result of going out unnecessarily, she’d probably freak and say, “I told you so!” Why bother? The most freaky thought was that even though this was already a very LUCKY incident that it was not anything huge… I thought to myself that bebe never even let me see her before she went back to Malaysia had that accident been something big and the bus crushed me to death or something. You may think I’m exaggerating, but anyone who’s been in a car accident knows it’s no laughing matter and that anything can happen. I hope when she comes back, she’ll start appreciating how short life is and start to take advantage of it. Things change fast in life, people come and people go – we should be making the best of it and to be a part of each other.

Anyways, you may think at this point what relevance my title has to do with this. The point is that almost daily, my mentality that being a good person has no reward is being proven. I’m not going to say I was some kind of “hero” by helping my cousin get home, even if it was out-of-the-way. I’m not saying I need to have a medal given to me for it, but I do believe it was a generous thing to do. However, getting hit by a bus, on the way home after doing something “good” just makes me fume. It’s not her fault she asked me to pick her up that this happened – it’s the idiot drivers fault. Yet I think to myself, how retarded it is for one to believe that doing good things lead to good fortune. I suppose if doing something good ends up causing my car to get hit by a bus, then perhaps shooting someone in the head will result in me winning the lottery. Am I too much of a nice guy? Does bebe not feel strongly for me as I do for her because I’m too nice? Do girls really like “the bad boys?” I’m nice to her because I love her and I think that’s a very normal thing. Just like I care about my cousin, I’m willing to do something out-of-the-way for her. However, I’m proven time and time again in life that not ONLY does doing good things not result in good karma happening, it results in even WORSE things happening.

To sum it up, here’s a lesson of life:

Do good things ≠ Good things happening to you
Do bad things ≠ Bad things happening to you

Do good things = More likely bad things happening to you
Do bad things = More likely good things happening to you

2 weeks already that bebe’s been in Malaysia… hasn’t bothered saying a word to me and telling me how she’s doing. I’m not only getting frustrated now, I’m getting annoyed. Are these actions even defensible? Can one truly justify treating someone like shit? I can understand a person wanting to hurt another if you’ve done something bad for them – but to do something like that to someone who has shown so much love and affection? I cannot understand, perhaps my brain is too small or I think life is too simple. I’m not asking her to immediately love me back because that will take time – I’m asking to be treated like a self-dignified human being.

You would think that her being so far would make me lose feelings for her, but it hasn’t. My feelings for her are still indescribably strong. I still have passionate dreams about her and it’s hard for me to find perfection in other girls, other than her. I think about her and worry for her. What is she doing? Who is she with? Is she in a safe environment? Is she in good company? Is she healthy and well? Is she happy and relaxed?  – I continue to wish for her well-being because she’s a very important person to me. Her brother will be starting university soon – I am excited and proud of him – just as if he was my own brother. I hope I get to call him brother-in-law one day! I miss bebe and I want to hold her tight right now. Love is supposed to be a strong, wonderful and positively-live changing feeling. Why is it at times that my love for bebe is bringing the worst out in me, frustrating, anger and vengeance, instead of tender, loving care? What kind of person have I become – why is this monster within me coming out? I need to harness my affection of her to feel more positive and vibrant!

The easiest way I can see her now and give her a sweet kiss is in my dreams… and given it is 11:05PM – I may as well go do that right now! ♥

TO: My Sweet Little 表妹

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Tonight, I heard this new song by Hedly called Perfect. In this one line where they keep repeating: “I’m not perfect, but I keep trying, cuz that’s what I said I would do from the start…,” it gave me the chills.

I miss my parents, I have no idea what I’ve been doing lately.  I’m anxiously waiting for my results from MBiotech and ever since my interview I’ve been praying for this spot.  I feel so helpless… 2 years of preparation and I blew one of the parts of the interview, how can I afford to slip like that. I really hope they can see past it. Preparing for this made me want this even more that I can’t imagine doing anything else.  Waiting to graduate, waiting for results, waiting for the next step for me…. I need the extra bit of motivation to push me through the finish line.

I feel like I’m not doing the right things, I feel like I’m making bad decisions again.  How can I stop feeling this way?
I don’t have any summer plans.. I can’t even ask my supervisor about research in the summer because what if I get in? But if I don’t and I don’t let her know that I want to work as a summer student again, I will loose the chance.. I’m really lost… I don’t have any backups…. when this program is what you wanna do, how can you write another personal letter for another program? So I’ve been holding back on writing other apps. Why am I pushing myself into this hole… I know I should be doing better right now. I just can’t find the motivation to make a strong finish. I wish someone could tell me what to do…. what happens when I don’t get into the program, what’s my next step?

I’m not a perfect student, I’m not a perfect person, but I strive for perfection. What happens when perfection just doesn’t fall through in the end? It’s up to the admissions committee to decide who they want to accept, argh 32 spots… I want it so bad. I’ve been dreaming of that one day, when I can work in GSK… or Genentech and family will seem complete again.

Tonight was my chemistry exam, I knew it was going to be hard. I gave up alot of things to prepare for this exam and I feel disappointed in myself. I knew everything but during the test, I don’t know why, the things I memorized just couldn’t come out. I guess I wasn’t as prepared as I thought and maybe I just crammed way too many reagents in my head.

Whenever people say, maybe some things are just meant to be.. I don’t know if I believe in that. I’m not sure if there is a thing called fate or destiny.  I now believe that it is up in our hands to create our own destiny.  A person who believes in fate, who just sits there and wait… it all seems too idealistic.  All the way through I had to figure alot of things out on my own… I just think if I just let things take its course, I wouldn’t be standing close to where I am now. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel that there’s also up to a certain point where it’s also up to fate, like right now with my admission decision. So, is all the work up to now really even worth it when in the end, when it’s still out of your hands? Just something to think about for people who read this and were in a similar situation.

I’m feeling like a failure right now. Unlike others, this isn’t an option for me because of the circumstances I’m in. I wish I could explain but it’s just way too complicated.

I wish I could drive…. I was thinking if I got a license here, just to get out of city for a bit…. go somewhere far away from the lights and the people. Nobody seems to understand what it does for me.  Like being somewhere close to the lake or the waters, is what I need to regain my energy, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s just what I used to do and it works.  Yesterday night, I was laying in bed thinking about the days I used to go to driving range…. an activity that can get my mind off of school for a while. Or playing the piano. I used to do that…All the things that I used to do to relax me seem so far away and out of reach.

RE: The above entry

Ah, how I love watching little kids grow up… 🙂 You’re such a big girl now! Nevertheless, one always wants to strive for their best and to reach for their achievements, but perfection is not we should seek. We definitely should seek satisfaction but not through the believe we are perfect individuals with an absolute and irrefutable goal. To seek perfection in anything you do is like trying to grab at sand really hard – it is futile.

To feel homesick or simply missing family and friends who you have grown up with is not an unusual feeling. During times of our greatest need is when we feel most vulnerable and know that we can only rely on our family as back-up. No matter how great friends are and the joys of happiness they may bring, family is the only true source of unparalleled love and unconditional support. The interviewers do not expect perfection, they expect a human being, they expect a person capable of learning, they expect a person who’s mistakes are reflected and learned upon – they are not looking for someone who is perfect. We are all human and unless they are that of a holy spirit who are perfect themselves, they can bring no such expectations upon others. The motivation you bring, is stronger than mistakes and that willpower can be served elsewhere, regardless of whether you make it into a specific company or not. Where there is a will, there is a way – and that way might be or might not be where you think life may take you. Motivation cannot be generated by others, it is something that comes from within you. I could tell you all day to believe in yourself, but alas, if you do not believe in it yourself, no amount of confidence from others can help push you through.

A decision is a decision, with the ideal of “right” or “wrong” emplaced by our own standards. If you believe the decisions you have made are wrong – then they are wrong. If you believe decisions you have made are right, no one else can convince you they are wrong. Trusting our own judgments, believe in ourselves and knowing that no one decision leads to a final end will help you come to terms with decisions you make. For every step you take forward, you can take one step back – even if step-back is not in the exact same position you once stood. When things are conditional upon others, there is nothing we can do. In this world, there is only one-true thing we can control, and that is ourselves. To question things beyond our control is like questioning the meaning of life. Things will fall into or out-of-place whether we like it or not, so we should just let life run its course. On that note, to worry about whether you will or will not make it in and whether it would be necessary to reapply to the research program is unnecessary. I believe it is best to simply leave your options open and be honest with people. If you let them know of the situation, they’re more likely to sympathize and act out of humanly towards a situation. It is always best to be honest, than to leave someone blind. Rather than being definitive, simply inform people of the plans and possibilities, that way, they are more open to changes that may occur in the future.

There are many things we want in life, as humans, we crave for more and that craving is what allows society to progress. There is great strength you have for wanting to work at a place you feel comfortable and where you feel you are accomplishing the most. However, when we set goals like that,we never take time to look past at other opportunities that may be right in our faces or perhaps, worthy of consideration. You never know where life takes you, it may lead to where you want to go or it may lead you to where you never thought was once possible. Rather than expecting, simply believe, or better yet – being neither pessimistic nor optimistic but rather, a job is never the start, nor end of a career as many things will change as time progresses. What you may be doing today may not be what you’re doing tomorrow – for better, or for worse.

There is no “trick” to doing well on exams, and the only thing that a person can really do to prepare is with a semester-wide commitment to regular studying habits. Last minute studies rarely work out, things absorb so much better when done over time. Also, your mind works clearly when your body is in optimal condition and all that starts with one thing, a good night’s rest. The more you stick in your head the night before, the more likely you will confuse your brain with other things that have been long-term embedded and learned. All of a sudden, all that information you did know has now been mixed in with information which you have only recently processed. I think the word “cramming” already has implications on itself – the act of  “cramming” already has a negative connotation.

Fate and destiny are very hard subjects to approach. However, something that is undeniable is that there are things that we as an individual, simply cannot change. Whether you consider this an act of fate or destiny is up to you. While it is quite true that sitting around “waiting” for fate or destiny to act upon itself is idealistic, there truly happen just by, “being in the right place at the right time.” There are times when hard work and effort are fruitless and where negativity and lack of effort yields amazing results. Our destiny and fate are often not controlled by us, but really, in the hands of all the environment and people around us. What we cannot see and touch – it is best to be blind to, we are an observer at all things in life.

Take advantage of the fact you life in an accessible region, where renting/buying a vehicle is easy. Pick up your license, you will need it! If not, find a way of taking transportation to get you where you want to go. There is salvation in humanity and “heaven” is only a step away when we allow ourselves to relax and enjoy our surroundings. Hell is the place we suffer and feel tormented by the stresses of life and worries beyond our control. Whatever you can do to make yourself feel better, do it. Put away responsibilities and obligations for the day, they can wait. You on the other hand, always place your own priorities first. If you are not feeling happy, nothing you do will seem right. When you are feeling happy, nothing you do can feel wrong. You are surrounded by little towns to big cities, I’m sure there are plenty of places that will offer you what you need to release all that tension within you. We are like an elastic band, stretch it too much and there is only one consequence that you will be the one who ends up suffering. With good maintenance and knowing when the expand and contract, the elastic band will serve you a lifetime of usefulness.

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