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Last Date of April and Onto May!

So yesterday, I went with bebe for the last date of April, since today’s May 1st 😀 Of course there’s not really a significance of that though, lol. Actually well maybe, I’ll explain further! So yesterday, I picked her up from her friend’s place out. We did something quite cool and different this time, we visited a local bookstore to browser some books she wanted to buy and then in the meantime, I also found a book I was interested in. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I purchased a physical book. The last book I purchased was online, an eBook, and then a REAL book back in post-secondary many years ago, haha. I used to be a huge reader, going to the library and loading up a wheelbarrow each day and as I got older, either responsibilities became larger and I didn’t have time or I simply lost the devotion.

Here’s a synopsis of the book I picked up:

Opposites Attract

Harpercollins Publishers | January 31, 2011 | Trade Paperback

Does your partner want to go out on Friday nights when you prefer to curl up at home with a movie?

Does your neat-freak boyfriend always want to clean up your cluttered office?

Does your wife want to plan trips six months in advance while you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?

The truth is, opposites attract. People who are different from each other in fundamental ways often catch each other’s attention. We are attracted to the very qualities we wish we had ourselves. A shy person looks for a mate who is outgoing and gregarious to provide a social circle, and the outgoing person may need to be with someone who won’t compete with him for attention. It seems like the perfect match, that is, until those very differences that originally attracted us start to drive us crazy.

But these differences don’t have to drive couples apart. Renee Baron, a marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience, uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to provide a practical program for learning to appreciate our differences, rather than fight over them. The MBTI is the most widely used personality indicator in the world. By discovering your innate personality preferences and those of your partner, you can stop having the same fights over and over again and start appreciating the gifts each of you offers to the relationship.

I was trying to avoid the whole “relationship-help” books, because I figured if I presented bebe with a book like that, she would just not read it. This book was chosen because the content doesn’t draw everything out in a “how to love each other” way, but rather, how two people (regardless of the ‘relationship’ – just lovers/friends/acquaintances) with different personality-types interact. There were also a lot of funny comics inside the book and I laughed as I was skimming through it because so much of it represented bebe and I – we have the typical extravert and introvert. Perhaps if I was more like bebe, we’d get along much easier. If we were both extraverts, we’d have no problem constantly seeing each other, rapidly engaging in conversation and probably wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. Likewise, if we were both introverts (then I wouldn’t even know how we met each other, LOL) – then neither of us would desire conversation unless ‘necessary’, we’d both have our body-parts in-check and wouldn’t be touchy-touchy and we’d see each other one month at a time 😛 So as you can see, this is where the whole problem occurs, we’re people of two different “types” – but that sure as hell does not mean we can’t love each other – in fact, history has proven (even in my own family) that opposites attract. I have seen many uncles and aunties who I wonder why they would even marry each other in the first place when they are the extremes of personalities – one who is quiet and indifferent and the other who is loud and wants control of everything – and certainly there is merit in that because think, what if they were BOTH loud and controlling? Things would be explosive!

The extravert’s flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert’s is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. Contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts include the following:

  • Extraverts are action oriented, while introverts are thought oriented.
  • Extraverts seek breadth of knowledge and influence, while introverts seek depth of knowledge and influence.
  • Extraverts often prefer more frequent interaction, while introverts prefer more substantial interaction.
  • Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone

Let’s look at the above, it’s amazing how these psychologist can “define” people and truly ‘draw us out’ as if we were simply puppets of life. I’m not going to analyze every underlying and detailed thing about us, but let’s just take the first few things that come to my head. I would consider myself an extravert, I am action oriented and it shows. I am the touchy-touchy type because to me, I perceive it as showing my love, care and sense of security. When I touch bebe, it isn’t just about being perverse or grabbing at her, but to show my feelings for her. When I “think of what to do” – the results is that invariably it comes to an action. When my boss asks me to do something, I jump in and do it and then work from there, rather than thinking it out. I know that bebe spends a lot of time thinking about things when she’s with me, she has that look on her face. Part of it is the discomfort and part of it is that she has WAY too much going on in her mind. When I touch her, I know that thousands of thoughts go through her head… things like, “What do I do?”, “Is this acceptable?”, “Do I feel for him?”, “Should we be together?”, “What should I say?” … and etc. We were in the park yesterday and I could tell there was a lot on her mind, probably not “good” things either since her mind tends to be so focused negatively on our relationship, but then again, this is where it comes down to introverts being THOUGHT oriented, whereas I would just love to hold her/touch her rather than “thinking” about it.

Bebe definitely likes depth upon forms of knowledge – I find that sometimes the times when we have the most conversation is when she likes to drill-down on a particular matter. Bebe is very inquiring and it’s cute, she likes to ask me questions as we’re going past things or whenever it comes up in her head. If she did that more often, we’d have more conversations too, LOL. Me on the other hand, I only like to know a “bit about everything” (ok, except for periods… HAHA) rather than a lot in a singular subject. That is perhaps part of why (other than for financial reasons) that bebe wants to pursue a designation, because that usually shows that you have “in-depth knowledge about X-subject” and while I like doing project management because it doesn’t show I’m good at handling ONE thing in particular, but many different things. When it comes to influence, I like being the one who “appeals to everyone” – I want people to be influenced by my thoughts and actions – the more, the better (some people call it high-profile).  Bebe likes to keep a low-profile and moreover, she keeps her influence “deep” but only to a small audience, such as with her closest friends and doesn’t like to expand her influence as much as I do. In fact, she’d much rather if she didn’t expand her influence too much, haha.

When it comes to the interaction, no shit, lol. I think I barely need to explain this part. I wouldn’t call myself a social butterfly, I’m far from it… I have my close group of friends, my colleagues and then my family – who are put a small circle of people. Suffice to say, in comparison to bebe, I’d definitely consider myself having more frequent social interaction than bebe. I’m sure you see that bebe spends only a day a week, two at most with me, and only a few hours at that. To me, this is insufficient, can be frustrating and sometimes even tips the scale of annoying when she tells me a few hours a week is “too much” when the time she dedicates in front of her computer and with her friends out in ‘sauga is “not excessive.” On weekends, she usually does not see me until 3PM, meaning even if we stretch the time we see each other to 12AM, that’s only 8 hours. I understand her friend’s work and they sometimes are even in different rooms, but for her to suggest to me that she isn’t always engaged with her friends even if they are together makes me raise an eyebrow. Over a course of 1 week, I’m sure they spend more than 8 hours being “engaged” – so I hate it when people lie or try to B.S. me… I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m not retarded either. And I’m finding even though she’s next to me, a lot of the times we aren’t engaging, meaning the whole 8 hours is not really 8 hours. On the drive home, there’s sometimes very little talk, so maybe for the whole of it, we’re only being “engaged” with each other for perhaps 3 hours in an 8-hour block.

She is exactly as the description says, she prefers more substantial interaction, that is, “quality over quantity” – which I too agree with, although at times I wonder of the quality we spend with each other when she’s not talking to me. We used to have a lot to talk about, perhaps things were still “new” then and there was a lot happening in her life before, so she had things to talk about with me. Nevertheless, she should endeavour to “speak up” more often when we’ve had 10-15 minutes of silence, it is just weird. Shit, make something up if you have to, but it’s about learning “small talk” with people that’s necessary, both personal and in the work-world. I can’t wait until she has “more of a life” because it’s draining on me when I constantly have to try to get her to talk or think of subjects, all while concentrating on something important called DRIVING. If the 8 hours she spent with me were totally engaging, I wouldn’t even be so angry at her friends (or rather, the way she “commits” to her friends) – or perhaps I need to wait until she has more she can talk to me about – perhaps her life is a bit dry right now. Maybe we’re turning into those old couples where we’ve talked about so much there’s not much left to know? 😆 I think the big thing is she’s more of an “online talker” more than an “offline talker” — on MSN we can have really engaging and fun conversations. Social schooling and a job will really help build her character in terms of social-connections. When I say social schooling, I mean the courses where it’s necessary for you to talk to others and to be “open” in the classroom. Hopefully her upcoming courses will help her open-up and learn that you can’t just be quiet and expect to get away with it. With me, sure, I’ll just hold my temper and not make an issue of it on-the-spot, but with others, you can’t get away with it. I can feel my rage beginning to build-up each time there’s extended periods of silence. I realize it’s dead-boring and tiring to talk every moment of a date, but it’s necessary where both sides initiate conversation – if I have to constantly ask questions, then it’d become an interview. Again, maybe once she gets “involved in the community” through school and work that it will really open the doors for conversation and she can’t hide in that annoying little shell of hers. It’s not that she’s INCAPABLE of being social, look at her and her friends, she just likes to hide on me.

I spend a lot of time at home during the week, so me “getting out” is really my energy-recharge time. Each time I get to see bebe, I feel as if all my energy came back, despite how tired I may be, I feel refreshed with her. No matter how poorly my week has gone, just seeing her and being in her presence makes me feel as if all my problems are resolved. On the other hand, her seeing me is like a “chore” and “draining” on her. I realize I’m not sure exciting, but at the same time, I’m not boring either and I try to make the time she spends with me exciting – or at least – relaxing, even if it’s just a walk in the park. She likes to spend time alone, whether she’s at home or with her friends, “alone” is still where she is able to energize. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be doing something all the time, but certainly, spending a day or two with me should not be that tiring… after all, she stays up to 4-5AM every day and is out with her friends well past midnight, so when she gives me shit about the few hours a week we get to spend together, it makes me want to freak out on her friends and wipe them off the face of the planet. I hate when I’m lied to…

So after the books, it had been on my mind that we’d get something for her mom for Mother’s Day. Her brothers are “going back home” and if we get her something, they’ll be able to take it back for us. We had walked by some magazines that her mom would’ve been interested in, but didn’t think of it at the time and we started driving back to our city. We decided it would be best if we bought it that day since they would be leaving soon and I didn’t want to forget it. We stopped at various malls on the way home to look for them and each store happened to have a feminine hygiene aisle which I took a look at. The past few weeks have been horrid when I’ve been trying to catch sales, seems like there’s a lack of sales for Stayfree, Carefree and O.B. lately, arg – I still have coupons to use and my supply is running awfully low. I mean I could’ve splurged and bought them anyways, but still. Also, I found the Always LeakGuard Maxi’s and they were 5.97 a pack of 20, holy crap! Bebe bought something which I ended up paying for – I have a feeling she wasn’t even paying attention we’re at the register, which is fine, it kind of gives me that “couples” feeling where it really doesn’t matter which one of us pays for it. I hate the way she still tries to keep everything so “separate” between us, like we have to keep a tally of everything we give/owe… it shouldn’t be like that. If I buy something for her, it’s from my heart that I care about her – and the item which I bought for her wasn’t a “luxury” item, so I’m ok with spending money on it. If she ended up buying loads of candy or whatever, then I’d expect her to pay herself.

We went to a second store, where we finally found the right magazines… in fact, 3 of them, lol. I asked her to accompany in the feminine hygiene aisle because I wanted to look at something in detail. She gave me a very curt answer, “As if you care…” (referring to the fact I don’t get embarrassed being there myself) – but the thing is, when you’re shopping with a girl, then it looks weird if the guy is in there himself looking at stuff, and totally DIFFERENT than when I’m in there myself. I’m sure she could claim that no one knew we were shopping together (since she was in the magazine section), but still, it’s just a matter of the feeling of it. The thing is, she spent quite a bit of time looking at her magazines and even when she wasn’t in the bookstore, I didn’t complain about her being there for so long… and how can she even complain to me about the 2 minutes we spent in the feminine hygiene aisle? Like what the fuck, really? (I left the latter part out, LOL). I know she likes throwing the same excuse about “comfort level” all the time as to why she doesn’t “sacrifice” for me… but I wouldn’t even call this so much as a sacrifice but rather, just normal manners… I mean if your friend just spent a long time with you doing something you want to do/accomplish, certainly giving back a bit of time for him/her is justified. I gave her my portion of the money for the magazines as a present for her mom and even asked if we should buy a card so we can both sign it and stuff. Then she said something like, “That’s all you wanted to do…” and then I asked, “Is that a problem?” Is it so weird that I’d like my name to show up on something as a gift to her mom? What is this shit? I think it’s pretty normal for someone to sign a card and at least have her know that it is “our” gift or that I am trying to “greet” her mom. I think she likes to push my buttons to make me aggressive and I’m best when I’m passive, NOT aggressive. I wasn’t planning about signing a card and putting in, “From your future son-in-law, ____” or “With love from ___” or “From your daughter’s boyfriend ___” – I just wanted my name somewhere to shows that I’m thinking of her, because who knows if bebe will even mention that it was ‘our’ gift to her mom.

I’m not sure whether she does it with her friends or just does it to me, but when we were walking through the stores, she would disappear. You would like to think I’ve gotten “used to this” because my mom did the same thing and my dad would yell at her all the time. It wasn’t until like 20 years into the marriage where my mom would actually listen, LOL… but we’d be walking and she likes to stay behind me, then she’d stop without saying anything. I’d turn around and bebe would be gone – sometimes even IN to the aisle, so I couldn’t even see her. She won’t even say, “hey, can we stop and take a look” or “hey, I’d like to check out X-section” – poof. It just doesn’t seem like proper etiquette… I never have a problem accompanying her to look at something, even if it isn’t in my interest, but at least say something to let me know to stop. I know that perhaps because we’re “a couple” she does things she wouldn’t do with her friends, because we have a different type of relationship, but at the same time, if she devotes half the time and commitment of standards to me as she does with her friends, we’d be so-fitting by now. The more she does these things, she’s not even getting me pissed off at her, she’s getting me angry at her friends because then I end up thinking, “Do you do the same things to your friends? Do they think it’s acceptable? Do you treat them like inconsiderately?” and then of course, why do you feel it’s right to treat ME like that? The more she fuels my anger towards her friends, that’s probably not a very good thing for them… lol.

Oh, between the bookstore and driving to the store, I missed the part about lunch, haha. We got ourselves some yummy sushi and stuff. We had some small chatter but we mostly kept quiet. Again, it is off-and-on… sometimes on different dates, she’ll have more/less to say to me when we eat. The night we were out in ‘sauga for a late-night dinner, we had wonderful conversations and in fact, we didn’t even notice the time as we talked late into the night. This time, lunch was not overly exciting in the conversation aspect, but I love watching her eat, it is so cute! I like to leave the food she likes more so she can have it, it’s just how I feel. I know that she knows that I do that, and always says I can eat it too, but because I know she doesn’t have preference for other stuff, I will eat up the stuff she “doesn’t like as much” so she can eat the “stuff she likes” more. Sometimes I feel like a dad to her, lol, I “leave the best for her” – maybe it’s my paternal instincts and my love of babying her, haha. On the way back to her house, we stopped at a Cold Stone Creamery and picked up some ice cream and shake. The one thing I noticed over a long period of time is that she doesn’t “share” herfood much. This is one thing I don’t know whether she does or doesn’t do even with her friends, so I can’t point fingers. However, I also know that she’s one time told me that because I’m an only child, I don’t know what it feels like to have to share. True enough, but at the same time, every time I have a MEAL or a DRINK come to me, I always offer her a taste first. If the food is individual orders, I will always ask if she wants to have something before I dig in. Likewise, whenever she gets food like fish & chips or even her ice cream, she doesn’t bother asking me if I want to try, she’ll just dig in and IF at the end there’s food left over, she’ll give me whatever is left (like I’m a garbage can). I always love sharing the BEST of things and not only with her, but I like to “share the joy” (more appropriately, 分享) good food and experiences with everyone, whether it is my friends or family – not just her. I don’t have siblings to share good food/fun with, but what I do have is that I enjoy giving her a chance to share my meal/drink too. I can understand that she might not be accepting of food I’ve slobbered all over before, but before she digs into hers, it’d be nice if she asked me – EVEN if I don’t want it, at least it is offered. The only time I can ever get a piece of something she’s eating is if I ask, which is kind of 冇癮 if I have to ask. I was happy this time she sipped from my straw to try the milkshake ^__^

Since it was rather early and yesterday was amazing weather, we discussed about going to a park. It was so nice to be walking in a park and eating/drinking our yummy food at the same time, although in the afternoon it got a bit chillier than in the morning when it was hot. I couldn’t get her to hold my arm this time, despite last time the feeling of her holding me was so warm. Part of the shittiness of it was that we were on a “trail” and lots of it were pretty much single-file. I will have to avoid going to trails in the future as it doesn’t give us an opportunity to be physical. Sometimes she so resistant with me that I just want to pull her towards me and be rough if she’s not going to “play nice.” I try to leave a gap between us as to not be “too” intimate, so she should at least understand my actions of doing so and lean in a bit. Usually even if I put my arms around her, I’ll leave a good clearance of space between our bodies to give her that “personal space” – while maintaining a bond between my arm and her shoulder. I was a bit upset at how she would hold my arm last time, but not this time, especially given that it was fairly cold and would’ve been nice to keep the warmth together. It is interesting how she can twist and bend words into her favour, I looked at several couples who walked by us, holding each other in various ways and STILL had space to walk the trial. The saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – as in if she wanted to hold me, she’d find a way to do it even if the trial was narrow. Alas, I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry at her declines to be physical with me (or rather, I wouldn’t get angry if she doesn’t want to do something for me, but I would be if she stopped ME from being physical with her) – so I didn’t pursue arguing with her over the semantics of it. I highly dislike her body language and that is why sometimes I need to step away for a breather, fearful I might just explode in fury – although I attribute that to her not knowing the etiquette of physical contact.

Actually, going back to lunch for a bit, she did tell me her mom suggested her to stay local (in this city) until later on this year. I was partially happy, but that still doesn’t change the fact that she will end up moving out there anyways, not that her mom told her to stay here with me, lol. The thing is that bebe staying local to me is only temporary and as much as that makes me happy for the next half year, the inevitability is that she’s going to move closer to her friends (as if they don’t spend ENOUGH time together as it is :roll:). The other thing that came up (which I’m glad she didn’t go for…) was it was suggested she just go back home to do her studies and come back here. I wasn’t all too happy about that and bebe thought it was a better idea to stay here too. I always told bebe, best thing for us both is for her to carry on here, we’ll see where the relationship goes, and then she can go back if things really don’t work out. Nevertheless, the problem with this is that now there’s a “deadline” i.e when she completes schooling, then it forces us to push the relationship faster (which might not be good to move fast), just so it keeps her here. I want our relationship progression to be relaxed and not have a deadline that, “when she’s done school and we’re still not ‘official’ then she’s gone” — I think it puts UNDUE pressure on us both. Hopefully she won’t use her school term as a determining factor. Either way, I’m pleased that bebe wants to stay here to do school, perhaps a bit for herself and a bit for me – that makes me proud 🙂

The night turned for the better as we got back to her place. Since I didn’t have any new movies she wanted to watch, most of the night we just say next to each other on our computers, talking a bit and then we watched some Ellen Degeneres – I like watching that with her because it puts her at ease (due to the laughter) and we can also snicker at the various funny parts together. The reason I like being at her house so much is we have privacy, as in, she’ll let me do things to her that she’d otherwise be shy doing in-public. She’s not the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) type of girl, she prefers the touchy-touchy is in our own privacy, which I can respect. I got to give her a massage and hold her close to me, which really made the night perfect. There was still a bit of leaning on her body which I did not like, but hey, at least she’s LETTING me touch her right? I should be grateful for that, lol. Being able to touch her gently removes that negative-edge off my mind, because sometimes she gets me so riled up during the day that I’m ready to punch-a-wall, and letting me do this totally makes me as passive and docile as a rabbit, haha. I accidentally nicked her ticklish spots a few times because of the weird way I was sitting at getting my arms around her as my fingers couldn’t get in the right position. Nevertheless, this helps me learn about her body better – because I want to make her feel good!

It was approaching midnight and it looked like she wanted to call it a night. I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes, so I began to pack up. I wanted to borrow a few of bebe’s pads from her because I’m running low on stock and also I wanted to see her reaction. I made sure I did not after I went to the washroom (since it’d totally be weird if I asked before, took them and walked to the washroom… HAHA) to change if I could have a few of her pads. I made sure I said “a few” as to not insinuate I’d take it all, since I’m understanding that if her period suddenly came it’d be a bitch if I took it all and she’d have to rush out to get some. Furthermore, I asked only to take the one type that was not her “treasured Asia pads” – but just the regular one she could buy here. I didn’t buy any throughout the day because it was too expensive and would like to hold-out until there’s a sale + my coupon. She gave me a very dry response, as if I was taking a piece of gold away from her or something – and I wanted to sigh at her at that point but resisted. I can’t even describe how she replied to me.. but really, I spend so much money on her regularly that I can’t imagine she was so resistant at letting me BORROW 50-cents worth of pads… I told her I’d give her new ones once there was a sale and I bought them and also, yesterday I also gave her some money to spend as she pleases… enough to buy like TEN packs of pads with lots of change to spare – I can’t believe how dejecting it was to see she wasn’t “willing” to let me take a few. Even though she said yes and I took some, it definitely wasn’t a “nice” yes.

There was a bright-light that totally melted me last night. I had written bebe a letter, an expression of my love to her – and while I don’t think it ended up touching her like I imagined it would, there WAS positivity to it. The letter was written over a 3-day period, over 2 hours a day of refining, rewriting and such. It was HANDWRITTEN which was something I’ve never done… I’ve always composed these letters on computer and then printed it out with ONLY the signature on the bottom being “written”. The entire 3 page letter from front-to-back was all in black ink and I poured my heart, soul and blood into it. She finished reading it fast (obviously reading is faster than writing), but I had hoped that she’d savour every word more, rather than rushing through it or even skimming it. I hope she’ll keep it so each day it reminds her how special she is to me and perhaps one day we can look back at it and smile. I want to do this more often, because it really is an expression of myself to her and my commitment to do things I would never otherwise do. What made the letter amazing wasn’t the fact she “gave” me anything in return, there was no extra intimacy, but the way she said “aw, thank you” to me was the most sincere and beautiful thank you she’s ever said to me – because I could actually “feel the feeling” in her words and also because she never speaks in that tone to me. Her voice was so tender (溫柔) at that moment I wanted to serious rip her clothes off, LOL. I think I got an erection, I’m not sure, I was so dazed that I avoided any eye-contact with her, in fear I might not be able to control myself 😆

I don’t expect our relationship to flourish this year… I’m sure there will be “progress” but nothing “intense” will happen. Call me a bit superstitious, but my horoscope this year says that my relationship life will be “stable, but unexciting” … haha. I think bebe’s said something about her not having a “good social/relationship outlook” this year, which may be why we both seem to struggle. So yes, while we all have control over ourselves, a part of us, the “explainable feelings” within us sometimes is controlled by fate and timing. Maybe this year won’t be great for us, but next year we’ll suddenly go from “being uncomfortable” to “madly in love” – who knows right? When I was in the bookstore, I was reading “Dating for Dummies” – it was funny and also sometimes helped bring other perspective into this. One of the quotes, I wish I could remember it word-for-word, but was something to the effect of that love is fate, but in order for fate to happen, you have to let things progress naturally. If you relax and let fate take it’s course and you are meant to be together, then everything falls into place. Think about how divine fate is… if it wasn’t for how our parents met and a “chain of conditions” and “events” that happened leading to their relationship/marriage/pregnancy, we would not be here today. Likewise, two people who are meant to be together all follow that chain and events leading up to their success. If bebe and I constantly place expectations and try to “move things in our own ways” – it won’t work because in the end, fate controls us. If we simply take things as they come, develop as we are meant to develop, fate will guide us towards our relationship’s success. One day we’ll be able to say to our kids and remind them that if it wasn’t for a bunch of things that helped bring mommy and daddy together, we would’ve never had them! Fate is so unique that sometimes it waits for the perfect moment to ripen. Right now, maybe bebe and I aren’t ready to be involved with each other – perhaps we have other things waiting for us to concentrate or to accomplish. When fate says it is ready to bring bebe and I together – it will… and we’ll finally be happy together.

I love bebe so much I think I’m going crazy 😀

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Why Do People Self-Injure?

After my last post where I jokingly showed myself slitting my wrist (when I got bitten by a dog near my wrist), today it made me ponder WHY people ever self-injure. After all, it would see almost silly that anyone would want to hurt themselves… I mean, other than those who are really into the whole BDSM thing, I can’t imagine that getting injured is something that people would desire, suffice to say, it is one of those life paradoxes.

I had a very short-lived date with bebe today… after waiting for a whole week and being excited to see her, it ended after a short 3 hours. It was fantastic, I could finally let her see my house (because I always wanted to, not because she asked) and she could just feel something a bit more special, knowing where I lived and what it looked like inside. I would certainly want her to feel comfortable in my house, who knows, maybe we’ll be sharing some nights here in the future! Furthermore, I got an opportunity to take her to my miniature shooting-range, that way she can shoot for the very first time. We played a bit of Nintendo Wii and then decided that was enough of being indoors, after all, it was such a nice day outside today! However, just before she left, she got a call from her brother. She didn’t tell me what the call was about right away, but I could tell it wasn’t anything good (or well, good for me at least), because she has that look in her face and also she becomes very mild, timid and soft-spoken.

Soon after, she told me that her brother called because they were inviting her to go to dinner with a friend of theirs (and the sister, who happened to be bebe’s friend). There were obviously two instinctual decisions that came to mind, 1) be the more understanding person and let her spend time with her brother/friend, or 2) be greedy and make her stick to her plans of being with me for today. Of course today is special in the sense that it is Easter Sunday – and most people on Easter Sunday, whether religious or not, spend it with “special people” – whether it be family, a significant other, parents or whatever. I am not debating the fact whether her brothers are considered “special people” because it’s without a doubt they are, but likewise, I also gave up a day with my mom to be with bebe – and that’s the position she holds in my heart.

I opted for #1 because it seemed like the right thing to do. From this, I would hope that she is happy and also heartfelt (感謝) with my decision. While I do not “celebrate” Easter like religious individuals, today was a very special day for bebe and I to spend together and to be have to give her up to others hurt and disappoint me, yet, I have committed myself to wanting bebe to see the “nice” and “selfless” side of me. Did I do the right thing? I could tell she wanted to go, despite her “asking” me (as if not letting her would have done anything… she’d just be angry the whole night and not enjoy it either way with me) if it was “ok” to join them instead. It was a battle I would not win… if I kept her for the night, she’d probably “judge” me and call me greedy, want to rush home or would be upset for the entire night anyways. If I let her go, I betray myself and feelings because I’ve been WAITING SO LONG to see her.

Sometimes I ask myself, can she not see how I feel? – or does she choose to ignore the fact that I consider her to be a very important part of my life? Am I squandered simply because “I like her more than she likes me?” I know I’m the one who wants to continue trying at this relationship, so I should not be complaining to her about how she treats me, but I also wonder whether she’d treat a friend like this – not even considering that I have any extra privileges as her (potential) boyfriend. If she was out with friend A and her brother/friend B invited her to dinner, would she skip out on friend A or is it only because it is ME who is in this position? I do acknowledge that perhaps like Poh Ching says, I should unconditionally love bebe and yes, I most definitely should.. .and perhaps it is because bebe KNOWS I unconditionally love her and that she can “get away with it” that she does it… because she knows no matter what she does, I’ll still stand by her and have no qualms about it. She gave me that “I really want to go” look – so being the soft guy I am, I decided to give up my own needs and tell her I’d drive her home to be with her brother/friend tonight. I had gotten to see her for a total of 3 hours, in which I spent 60 minutes of driving time to accomplish that (20 mins each way times 4 directions). She’s still local now, so I can bite my tongue on it, but if this were to happen when she’s moved out much farther, I’d really then consider my option of keeping her for the night much more carefully. I’m not trying to lock every moment of her life with me, but I’m also asking for a reasonable treatment. With her decision to move away without thinking about my feelings of having to go farther to see her, I’ll also be more expecting of the time I spend with her given my travel time is more than twice as much and also much more tiring. If only she could “live inside my shoes” for the day and perhaps then she’d realize what it’s like to be me and to love her so much I’m willing to turn my life upside down for her and also perhaps see in my own eyes and feel through my heart how she treats me.

With that said, I knew because she mentioned that it was not a friend she had an opportunity to see often, I could totally understand her wanting to see her. I’m not ignorant of friendships and the power of them and if I had a friend who I didn’t see often, I’d give up an opportunity with someone I could see often as well – however, it was the matter of which it was done which sucked. She did ask and that was very thoughtful of her and that’s the reason why I responded so easily when she asked me if “it was ok”… because I understood. Because we had a bit of time left, she did allow me to have a walk in the park with her. Unfortunately, she did not take any initiative to hold me or anything and she kept on keeping distance when I walked closer. I had hoped given that I had been generous (大方) with my decision, she might feel “closer” to me and “reward” me with perhaps a more closer-feeling – I did not expect her to deviate from what she’s ready for, I did not expect her to hold my hands or do anything we “haven’t done” but certainly putting her arms around mine and leaning into me would’ve been nice. True, people who are generous “give with expecting” and do not expect “rewards” for everything, but I would say that given I opened my heart to be so understanding to her needs/wants, that she be understanding and give me that sense of “me doing the right thing.”

On the drive home, I was waiting, waiting and MORE waiting for her to at least show the decision I made – she was appreciative of. I hardly expected something like, “oh you’re the most wonderful boyfriend in the world!!” or anything of the likes, but taking the time to acknowledge or even say something like, “I’m sorry this happened”, “I’ll make it up to you” or “I really appreciate what you’re doing” or just SOME kind of sympathy or appreciation would’ve been all I wanted. Instead I ended up to be the one apologizing as if I was the one wrong (which I was when I “reasked” her a question, but I had been waiting the entire drive just to see if she’d acknowledge the fact I’m being thoughtful of her). Don’t even put us into the role of boyfriend and girlfriend yet, just think of us as friends and let’s just say if you were with a friend and suddenly had to duck out, you’d still say something like, “Hey, sorry I had to go” or “Hey, we’ll make sure we catch up next time”… something to show that you appreciate the person’s time and will make amends soon. Bebe literally told me off by saying she can “see me another time”… that was worse than her NOT acknowledging/apologizing the entire ride home…. because to me, that’s like saying to an interviewer, “oh, you can just interview me another time” when the interviewee decides to leave mid-way through. I’m not expecting her to cry on my shoulders and sniffle about how sorry she is to leave me, but if you don’t do something like this to a friend, you definitely don’t do it to someone who REALLY REALLY cares about you. You can’t even apply that, “but I don’t feel like I can sacrifice for you yet…” excuse on this, it is not a sacrifice, it is about morality (道德).

I saw something my friend posted the other day about how “girls don’t like nice guys” and I spent hours persuading him that girls really DO like nice guys. Bebe is trying hard to care for me and be comfortable with me because I’m nice and that because she feels I do deserve her. Likewise, through my own experience, I was reassuring him that good women, like good guys, because I see how bebe tries so hard for me because I’ve proven myself as an admirable man who can treat her right and is kind to her and those around her. I suddenly realized today is it because I’m too nice to bebe that’s the problem? Would I encounter the same problem if I didn’t start off being so nice and soft with her? If I was more of an asshole or hard-footed to begin with, would I be so easily conned into her needs all the time rather than thinking about my own? I try to do things which I think is in her best interest and happiness – likewise, I figured that giving her an opportunity to spend time with her brother and friend on a rare occasion would accomplish that. I asked her in the car whether she “felt” anything that I only got to see her 3 hours today and she without hesitation, told me that she could’ve just “taken the bus” – is it just me, or is there something wrong with that response? All of a sudden I’ve gone from “doing the right thing” to as if I am wrong for even asking curiously if that invokes any feelings of ’embarrassment’ (not the true word I wanted to use, but there’s not a good English expression of 不好意思) in her. I was just looking for her to say, “I’m sorry for not being able to spend a special day with you”… was that simple and then I would’ve felt as if my decision was a proper one to make, knowing she felt that appreciation. Do girls really like the bad boys better? Seems like women like to fall for the assholes and macho-men or the ones who don’t give-a-shit, rather than the ones who DO give a shit. All I have to say is I really really wanted bebe to be happy with being able to spend a GREAT night with her brother and friends, but I also don’t want to feel like as if I’m of not value. I’m a a friggin human being with feelings. I DO THINGS happily for her, she should at least know that!

Because I had planned for a day out, I did not have any dinner preparations. On my way home driving, I had to roll all the windows down and have cold-air on full blast, otherwise I might’ve exploded and killed people on the way home. I drove up to the mountains (because our city has very nice mountains and very well-known for them), went out to the overlook and just screamed out my frustration and anger. More interference from her friends… seems like there’s a common-theme here, always her friends taking her away from me. I ended up kicking over a mailbox, but feeling bad about it, I ended up picking it back up. Good thing no one was around since it’s probably illegal to damage government property. I guess I still have some good moral-fiber left in my body…

On the way back home, I stopped by to pick up some fast food… probably one of the worse fast food places in all of the city. The food is jammed full of fat, empty calories and grease beyond what anyone can even imagine. This is when it occurred to me, why am I hurting myself when it is bebe who is hurting me? Shouldn’t I be angry at HER and take it out on HER? How illogical is it to damage my own body even though I am not angry at MYSELF? Why would I torment myself by eating this shit to make myself “feel better”? It is such a weird thing… and that is also why I decided to research on why people hurt themselves. For ages, I’ve always thought it was ridiculous anyone would want to cause themselves pain – it confuses me. I can totally understanding wanting to cause someone else pain as revenge or something, but to hurt yourself? RUBBISH! However, I proved (along with many others) that when people cannot find ways to express anguish, you do it on yourself (i.e me consuming shitty-ass foods and smash my foot into a metal bin).

Here’s an interesting quote:

This may be the aspect of self-harm that is most puzzling to those who do not do it. Why would anyone choose to inflict physical damage on him or herself? Because they cannot imagine themselves doing such a thing under any circumstances, many people dismiss self-injury as “senseless” or “irrational” behavior. And certainly it does seem that way at first glance. But people generally do things for reasons that make sense to them. The reasons may not be apparent or may not fit into our frame of reference, but they exist and recognizing their existence is crucial to understanding self-harm.

and also found in a psychological literature, Solomon and Farrand (1996) states:

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is “acting normally,” but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.

Because I had only known one friend who ever “hurt themselves” to “get rid of the pain” I could never fully relate to it – I could only imagine how crazy of a girl she was to want to hurt herself as an output for her emotional pain. It is not the first nor the last that bebe’s actions/words have affected me so much that I would feel the need to hurt myself our at least consider the plausibility of it. Today, I realized a bit of it how hurting oneself is a valid output (nevertheless a poor one) of pain. Spending an hour hitting a punching bag have resulted in very painful knuckles and scraped skin, but at the very least, it clears one’s mind and gives you an opportunity to inflict that damage to a non-living thing – at the very least, I’m not hurting a living-being physically as an output.

I suppose for the most part, I have my emotions and output intact. While I do experience anger, hatred and vengeance like any other human being, I keep them under-control or at least within safe confines. I would not necessarily consider myself suicidal, I’ve certainly thought about it the first time I lost bebe – that’s how important she is in my life. It seems irrational, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotions, then you start to begin irrationally. There’s been times I thought about how jealous bebe makes me feel when she holds her friends in greater regards than me, I’ve thought “not so nice things to do” about them… along with any guy friends she claims that she is “more comfortable with than me” – but those are all just in-the-moment thoughts and seriously, I hope she never tips me over the edge to ever act on them. I hope in the future, I’m included into bebe’s life with her friends where I don’t need to feel jealous over them and where bebe can begin to reasonably provide me with the same time she spends with her friends, with me… that way, at least I don’t feel as if they’re constantly “stealing” her time away from me and although it is bebe’s decision to spend so much time with them, it is also them who entice her to spend more time with them.

I think about when L and I broke up. We had been together for many years, but yet, not once had I considered about hurting myself. I had only hated her boyfriend enough that I wanted to watch him wither in pain and remind him and her what they did to me. Despite how I felt, L actually didn’t ‘leave me for another guy’ – in fact, we broke up well before she even moved and met the new guy. It was however, the deep hatred I had for her boyfriend that I would want to inflict much pain on and have her know how she changed my life forever by hurting me in such a way. Nevertheless, if you noticed, I had mentioned things all about damaging another person and NOT myself. On the contrary when it comes to bebe, I’d much rather hurt myself than hurt her because that’s EXACTLY how much I love her, I care about her so much I could not even think about hurting her, but rather, take it out on myself. I cannot imagine my life without bebe and I’m not sure how I’d take it if anything ever happened… I really don’t want to think about it, simply because we are meant to be together and shouldn’t squander the opportunity. Likewise, it’s not a good idea for bebe OR I to “test each others limits” because I know we both have “explosive” personalities (which I saw part of hers today).

On another completely happy and worrisome note… having taken bebe shooting today, she has some remarkable accuracy for a girl who has “never shot before.” With a 8-round clip, she hit 7 targets at 15-feet distance. Shit, I don’t even think I hit that many targets the first time I shot 😆 I gotta say, bebe was DAMN SEXY (even though she always is, harhar), I love watching her aim/shoot because I want to die in happiness from seeing how cute she looks when she’s concentrated, lol! I know she doesn’t share the same gun enthusiasm as I do… she likes playing around with them and modeling in them, but she’s not big on shooting like I am. I’m glad she still joined me to shoot today though, despite her having said she’s “afraid” to shoot before. If she actually spent more time shooting, I’m sure she’d be an adept shooter – minus her using rifles because that did not seem to be her forté due to the weight of my sniper rifle and trying to acquire the target on the other side of the scope. I really enjoyed watching bebe learn and just seeing her posing with guns was pretty hot, haha. I tried not to get an erection over it and I didn’t 😛 I was a good boy! LOL. I do notice she seems to wear the same rotation of clothing every time I see her on a date though, not sure why 😀 Does she have other overly-sexy clothes she doesn’t want me to see her in? HAHAHA.

I’m just going to blame my bad-luck today in what happened and (trying to think of an excuse for her attitude) that maybe she doesn’t value Easter Sunday as much as I do when it comes to sharing it with her. Maybe it’s just I’m too “easy to access” or accessible to her that my time isn’t as valuable. If I was harder to get a hold of like her friends and she wanted to be with me more, every moment would seem more valuable. Alas, I’m still trying to work my way to importance with her friends. Hopefully she has a great night tonight and that it reminds her that I’m willing to give up such an important date for her and that she sees me 苦心 for her. I want her to be happy but also remember I’m trying to be selfless for her. I’m holding out for tomorrow and hoping that she’ll make tomorrow extra special for me and that at least I know my sacrifice wasn’t just for nothing! 😀

Think positive and I pray that one day soon, she’ll find that special spot in her heart for me! I love her oh-so-much and would do almost anything in the world to win her over… I just hope I can accomplish it in the proper way than just having to get rid of all her friends so she can concentrate on me, lol. I rather like her friends (and most are quite cute… although I still got my eyes on Bebe, muhahah), I wouldn’t want to be mean unless I was forced to 😆

When A Problem Can’t Be Solved…

What do you do when your girlfriend still doesn’t love you as much as she should and you can’t seem to do anything to change it? You try to kill yourself…

Not quite suicide... yet...A bit far from my wrist eh, lol, obviously a very shitty suicide attempt 😛 I just can’t bear to think about how much love hurts, so I decided life is easier “lived” when you’re dead, all for the sake of bebe….. (or actually) it was because I was bitten by my friend’s dog.. AGAIN. That stupid dog is starting to piss me off, I’m going to shoot it or poison it – making sure that it’s a slow and painful death. I don’t know what the hell that dog’s problem is with me, I’d definitely call myself an “animal-friendly” and “animal-compatible” person, but this dog just has it out for me. I’d make sure I use low-velocity bullets so that the dog feels every second of the pain when the bullet drives through its skin and lodges itself in an organ. -_-” or… make sure it is a very slow acting poison…

But anyways, today my girls and I went out to Niagara-on-the-Lake and then later on, Niagara Falls. It was a great day up to late evening, there was no signs of rain which was first predicted, but the air was still chilly but reasonable to walk around. After all, many people were eating ice cream, lol. We all took some pictures, walked around for about 3 hours and decided to head onto Niagara Falls. Although the clouds loomed overhead like it was going to rain any moment, it sure as hell held up until well into the evening – lucky us! We had originally planned to eat at NotL, but turns out the place we were planning to go to wasn’t operating at-capacity during the slow-seasons, so we opted to “go back to the city” to see what we could find.

We took the small roads all the way to Niagara Falls and we passed by the Great Wolf Lodge and one of the girls mentioned this would be a great place for bebe and I to hit during the summer. Knowing bebe and I, I figured this wouldn’t be a place that’d interest us a lot, it’s more for the “family with kids” thing (so until we have them…) – so we’d probably opt for the more traditional hotel with recreation and just a “couples night” together – the Great Wolf Lodge wouldn’t really offer activities that would make the stay worth while. I did see the new Oakes Hotel there and because I know I get a great deal offering through work, it’d be great to get an overlooking view of the falls along with 2 Queen-sized beds. As much as I’d like for bebe and I to be able to snuggle up in a single bed before, just her accepting to spend time overnight together in the same room would make me happy enough. It’s amazing how when we love someone, we’re willing to change our expectations to what we want eh? haha. There’s a thing we can’t live without in our place-of-stay though… and that’s wireless internet access 😆

We ended up eating at Shoeless Joe’s and it was a great experience for all of us. I treated them all and the bill came to short of $100 for 5 people, not bad at all. The portions were massive and we got this “appetizer” which really wasn’t an appetizer… it was a friggin meal in itself! They were all really happy, so they decided to treat me to a bar. Funny because they like treating me to those places, knowing that I don’t drink 😛 My girls are so funny and like to tease me all the time, so treating me to the bar is like getting a get-out-of-jail free card, haha. That’s like taking a vegetarian to an all-you-can-eat meat buffet 😆

So I was sitting around and while they were having alcoholic drinks, I just had some sparkling-type stuff… I also was driving, which meant either way, alcohol was off-limits for me. Although I know that I can still drink up to the legal limits, I just prefer not to have any alcohol in me if I’m driving and responsible for that many lives. If I want to drink, I’d ensure someone else who wasn’t drinking was available to drive or drink somewhere “safe” like in my own home or home of a friend where I can spend the night if I feel I’m not in the capacity to drive.

So naturally, some girls came by to ask me if I’d buy a drink for them or if I was “interested in talking”… but I wasn’t exactly in the flirty mood or feel like I want to consider other women anyways, so I told them, “Sorry no” and that “I’m already taken” – did not plan on going to the bar for potential dates, lol, I was there with my girls because they didn’t want to go home too early. My girls teased me about being so loyal to bebe that I wouldn’t even take a glance at other women – but they all know me well enough that my loyalty to my girlfriend is unwavering… stick a nude chick in front of me and I’d still be like, “Meh.”

So as I’m writing this message, I pretty much got “told” by bebe that she’s uproot locally and moving out to Mississauga. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but that’s also not my decision. Perhaps the shittiest part of it all was that we didn’t exactly spend too much time discussing it, she doesn’t treat me like a boyfriend and kind of “talk it over” about the specifics of how we’re going to see each other and stuff like that. I know we’re not official, but we are still good boy-girlfriend. I’m not saying we’ve never “made mention” of this happening, just wish there was a bit more formality over it… just seemed like she’s “made the decision and that’s that”… I mean, most couples “discuss” things with each other and try to get to common-ground on things… I suppose that’s where her independence-dominance takes over. It’s starting to get to that point where her “attachment” to her friends scare me… wish I could make them disappear, but then bebe would also have less of a reason to stay in Canada. Equally said, she’d point out “we’re not a couple” so she has no need to “ask” me…

Suffice to say, I’m glad at least I have some contacts out in Mississauga and more importantly, my friend who runs his private investigator business has his office there, so if I ever need to keep an eye on her, at least I have someone to refer to. In fact, I actually had fewer people I know here who would help out than there. It’s not so much I want to know what she’s up to constantly, but at least I have it as an option for me, particularly when she’s so far away from me locally here. I hate the idea of having to do something like this, but when I look at how dubious it is that she would not rather stay in the same city as her (potential) boyfriend or consider perhaps working/half-staying here makes me feel a bit weird. Notably, she’s mentioned she can’t quite feel that “want to sacrifice” for me and ok, sure, I doubt she’d actually reconsider where to live on my behalf, but at least let’s consider the implications of us having 50km between us. I know I can handle keeping this relationship alive and I’m not going to let it go just because she’s moved outside of town (at least we’re in the same COUNTRY and PROVINCE) but I almost feel displaced with this decision, quite shocking to me despite her having ‘talked’ about it. I suppose we’re not the only “budding couple” who don’t live super-close and I know many of my friends have had their partners hours away from home and it still works – and even my boss, who relocated far-away-from-work for his wife, so I suppose I have to bite my tongue and make it happen despite me wanting to stay here, close to work. I suppose another thing is if we do end up living together and being married, we could compromise on choosing a “middle point” and since I don’t think she’d actually consider where she’s going to move to as being permanent.

I still flop between how I feel about the “power” and “control” her friends have over her… and I actually don’t think it’s “their fault” – it’s bebe who CHOOSES to be close to them and attached to them (rather than me, wtf). On the same note, it may very well actually be bebe’s friends who are MY saving-grace as to why she’s still considering Canada as a “home”… maybe without them, bebe would not have felt I was a strong enough reason for her to stay… I have to remind myself these are bebe’s decisions, not her friends and they should not get tied up in my displeasure of how her live revolves around them and not me. I wonder if I should be getting some private investigation on her friends rather than on bebe, lol, figure out some way where they can’t constantly consume bebe in their lives… or just wait for natural attrition where her friends begin to get married and have a more regular lifestyle that they can’t constantly be entertaining bebe’s visits. Sigh, I can’t decide whether this is being greedy or whether this is a natural reaction to feel jealous of the time and COMMITMENT she has for them…. use that same commitment on me and we’d easily be “official” boyfriend/girlfriend now 🙄

I’m going to go with what my friend Amy said though… I need to spot this from a more positive standpoint. At least bebe’s in Canada and (assuming) a portion of that is attributed to her wanting to “make this relationship work.” Bebe’s closer to her friends, which means satisfaction in staying here. Her seeing her friends more, means she will appreciate seeing me more now that she can see them so often… or “split time” between us reasonably. I go out to Mississauga quite a bit and I can bear it for the most part. When she gets her own place, we’ll have a “place to ourselves.” When the relationship is more steady, I could have a place to sleep until the next morning and go to work – the drive in the “other direction” is a lot better even during rush-hour. More time being out there might mean I get a chance to “integrate” with her friends more. I have more friends/business-partners out there who can help me keep an eye on bebe if need-be. I’d really only consider that if I suspected anything, maybe give those guys who want to steal her away from me a “warning” that ‘accidents’ might happen to them. Mississauga IS a nice city and I admit, I love bebe enough to move out there if she really wouldn’t budge and move somewhere closer to my work like Oakville/Burlington. The place she’d be living at would still be “for now” and she hasn’t said for sure she’s staying there FOREVER. She’d be able to join my family-friends out more often since on the weekends we go out to Mississauga to see our group/grocery shop. I mean there ARE a host of reasons, including her own reasons of liking that area, close-to-friends, reasonable commute, etc. I just felt really bad about not being “considered” when she made that decision to go there… what about me then?

Beyond all of my displeasure, there’s nothing I can do (well nothing reasonably… I could find other things really cruel to do to force her to stay here, but that’s just not RIGHT) and have to look “on the bright side” of things. At least traffic is in my favour from the direction I’m traveling from and there’s definitely much more to do on dates for us out there than where I live. The only thing that makes me feel sad about this is not actually her not being local, because I could probably still be ok with driving out there for regular dates 2-3 days a week, but rather, the way she “conveyed” it to me and kind of didn’t bother thinking about how I’d feel or make a statement that she still feels the relationship is important despite moving away. If I had a reassurance from her that she’s still very much confident in our relationship, then this move would be no big deal!

Here’s something cute ^__^ Just like bebe n’ I…

http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/couple-differences-do-opposites-really-attract/18w2htvfj?from=en-ca-infopane&src=v5:share:v5:share:permalink

Defeated by PMS

So I’ve always prided myself on being one of those guys that can handle a PMS-situation. With all my ex’s, whenever they were in a bad mood or whatnot, I’d always be able to make the situation feel right or at least “correct” those mood-swings positively. Yesterday was proof that apparently as much as I’ve been able to do wonders with my ex’s, it is not the case for bebe, LOL. Last night was our date night and we had spent a lot of time doing what most people would see as great “couples” activities. First, we went and ran some errands together for her brothers, then we picked up 2 of her friends at home and from a mall. Then we proceeded to go get some bubble tea and we spent a few hours at the place playing cards with those friends.

I was rather happy yesterday, because she’s letting me meet her friends more and more. Out of her group of closest friends, I’ve met 4 of the 5 already – so that makes me very happy because it was always hard for her to introduce me to them. Although I have yet to be introduced as her boyfriend, it’s nice enough just to meet them so they know of my presence in her life. We played cards for quite a while, got a new snack to go along with it and it was nice to see bebe talk to her friends and just “be her.” She asked if I wanted to go, but I saw she seemed to be enjoying playing cards and being with her friends, so I said I didn’t need to go. When bebe went to the washroom, her friends were all “teasing” me and they were like, “Oh, do you want to leave? We will help you…” and when bebe came back, they were telling us it’s ok to go, that we should go shop or whatever, but by then, the movie we had planned on attending was < 1 hour away, meaning we really had no time to effectively do anything. Driving to one of the other major malls (because the one closest to us was closing in 20 minutes) would take a good 15 minutes, which means we’d spend 30 minutes two-way just traveling, so it didn’t seem time-efficient.

I guess our “problem” occurred when both bebe and I were trying to be nice to each other, LOL. I was trying to be nice and not be like I’m pulling bebe away from her friends just because we’re ‘together’ and she was being nice to me by thinking I didn’t want to be the one saying I wanted to leave and be rude, so she kept on asking me if I wanted to go. Truth be told, I actually enjoyed playing cards with her friends, so I really wasn’t just “outwardly being nice” – my intents were genuine that I liked sitting there to do things with her friends. So here is where the clash came in as to her actually wanting to leave because she was getting bored, but I was also trying to be nice/enjoying her friend’s company that I didn’t want to drag her away. I suppose we need to ‘learn’ each others hinting more, haha… because I had thought she thought I was bored and wanted to leave, meanwhile, she was the one who wanted to leave and I didn’t clue into it… tsk tsk!

So we left for the movies and I could tell she wasn’t all too happy. Understandably, she’s been bored for a while just sitting there and playing cards with her friends and I was also fairly quiet in not wanting to try to force conversations in, but still, that shouldn’t warrant me be like I did something terribly wrong though. During the movie, I kept to my side to give her that personal space, because as we all know (lol), how much she likes her “personal space.” – I didn’t bother trying anything with her today because she just didn’t seem like she was in-the-mood. Prior to me picking up her friends, she seemed very cheery with me and stuff, so I guess it was something “inappropriate” I said while we were playing cards that didn’t make her very happy. Again, she never can tell me what the problem is, it’s sometimes frustrating because she doesn’t even seem to understand herself. It seems like there’s these “magical problems” that happen that she can’t define, making a solution to it hard as well.

She was hungry (during) and after the movie, so we proceeded to have dinner. We had some decent conversations at the table, but I could tell she still wasn’t very engaged with me today. I tried to make her day better, cheer her up, but it was clearly not working out. It seemed like no matter what I did or said, it was ‘wrong’ – even despite my best efforts to make the night better. I guess sometimes when it comes to that, she’s not very cooperative… whenever I ask her if I can do anything to make the night better, I never get a response I can act on.. it’s always a closed-end response where I can’t really do anything about it. Suffice to say, that’s just her and I guess if it was my choice to like her, I have to live with it. I sometimes wish she could express herself in a way that it allows me to learn what I can do for her, because it doesn’t give me an opportunity to gauge her feelings & interact with them, so whenever I don’t understand her, I’m not sure if she has a right to actually say I “don’t understand her” since she CLOSES those opportunities for when I do try to understand her.

So as our main-course ended, I decided to shuffle over to the bench-side with her since we sat across from each other. I really really disliked the fact she sat so far from me. I mean sure, the “feel” and the “mood” definitely wasn’t here for the night and was definitely disheartening and saddening, but it has been so long where she’s actually sat that far away from me it was bordering the line of worry, anger and stress. Sure, the night didn’t “go the way we wanted to” – but to sit almost a PERSON of space apart was just too much for me to handle. Every time I moved closer, she’d shuffle a bit farther and I just got so annoyed I pulled her close to me. I even had to make a verbal statement about it and really, I shouldn’t need to do that. When I hold her against me, it feels so natural… but she has yet to act on her natural bodily response either. Sometimes I ask myself, is it better to hold on to her and let her get used to my touch on her or is it better to not hold her once I feel the discomfort so that way she doesn’t feel trapped. It’s such a hard question as to which is “right” since BOTH have its merits.

At some point within our conversation, I jokingly touched on whether I didn’t seem to be able to make her happy tonight was because she was moody and “had PMS” and of course most women would respond, “NO, don’t blame PMS.” – but even tonight, she had thought that was it actually PMS as well, because there’s just “so many little things” that bugged her she couldn’t quite put her finger on it… and it seemed like she fluctuated from being unhappy and happy throughout the day randomly. The night wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all ingenuity either because her smiles to me were all still very sweet. Maybe because I thought I could “handle PMS well” but apparently it’s a whole different monster when it comes to bebe, because I just couldn’t cheer her up. It got to around 10PM and I asked her if she wanted to go back, but she actually didn’t yet, despite the foul mood. I decided to take her on a joy-ride then, just to look at houses, be in the car and listen to music. I can’t even believe I did that given the crazy gas prices right now, but furthering the point that I’d do almost anything for her. We drove around for about 40 minutes before I decided I needed a place to just park and rest. It was nearing 11PM and I was getting drained and because I was just so stressed out over the day that it was more emotional exhaustion more than physical one.

As we sat there, we just had some small talk. All of a sudden, she goes quiet probably to think about what she’s going to say, then says asked me if I “wanted to know what she thinks about this relationship”… I literally FROZE when she says that. I said let me think about whether I wanted to know and I could already feel my pulse/heart rate pumping – not only that, but I was feeling short-of-breath. I had to step outside because it was cool and I could regain my composure, thoughts and just my sanity. I got back into the car and told her I’d listen… there was no doubt that my mind raced, heart pounded and couldn’t breath throughout the entire conversation. It wasn’t anything bad, suffice to say, wouldn’t say it was anything good either. I mean it’s great we can sit and talk about the relationship, but wish we could sit and talk about the GOOD things in our relationships, not just her “discomforts”  – but I did get to explain myself and my own feelings – things I don’t share with anyone, not even on this blog. The reason why I had such a big reaction was because of the night’s incident (with the PMS and all… lol) along with the way she “asked” if I wanted to know (since you don’t ‘ask’ when you tell people good things, you just blurt it out) made me feel as if it was another one of those “dead end” conversations. I was so tired from the night that when we finished chatting, I just wanted to hold her hand and take a short nap. She didn’t let me hold her hands, SIGH… so I held on to the back of her hand while I tried to take a snooze, not that I could because of all the worry. At least we did come to the “agreement” that we think it was mostly PMS which brought about the day’s negativity, because ever since she returned from Malaysia to Canada, things have been doing really well for us and our “direction” in the relationship is definitely there. I hope one day SOON when bebe and I had a solid relationship foundation, I can tell her the truth about how I kept tabs on her 😛 As much as she tried to emphasize my loyalty and niceness to her, we both know that’s not enough to lay the groundwork for a good relationship, so it was still a bit dejecting to know she still can’t quite “feel” it with me.

Let’s just say for the sake of an “example” I had a choice between forcing her to be with me, even though she doesn’t truly want to – or if I just let her go. Of course there are those who say the whole, “If you love her enough, you will let her go.” – well let me tell you this, that’s retarded. I suppose we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but it’s “easier said, than done” to let someone go who you truly love, it’s just downright stupid when I hear that sometimes. Call me greedy, but I think I’d still go for option 1. Why? Because a lot of couples who decided to get into a relationship even though one side was not fully happy. This usually occurs when “oopsies” happens with unexpected pregnancies or when people are forced into a marriage circumstance (arranged marriages) or even mail-order brides, people who never once thought about being together, ended up being together, but lived happily-ever-after. Likewise, even if I were to be so greedy as to force bebe to stay with me, she may very well end up being more happy than she ever expected. Sounds like a fairytale, but if there’s anyone who can do it, I believe in myself that I’m capable of that 😛 Of course the BEST alternative would she actually willingly be with me and feel that spark, haha. The way I feel about her is so deep and I’d actually be willing to (Chinese Astrology) 轉運 and give up 5 years of my life just to be with bebe. After all, would I want to live my life unhappily without bebe, or would I rather live 5 years less and be happy with her? I think the decision is pretty obvious for me… that’s how much I love her.

We spent a lot of time expressing our own thoughts about how we view the relationship and I mean deep down, I’m not ignorant to believe that this will relationship will for sure work out, but there’s no doubt I’d want it to work out… and that I’m willing to devote what it takes to win her over. Even though “time” is not exactly on my side, I’ve told myself that I refuse to give up on her and even though I’d normally try to push the relationship forward or whatever, I’m going to just give her that time she needs and that I’m not going to “set a deadline.” As she mentioned her talking to her friends about how she should definitely try to bring those feelings to surface about me, obviously if she’s tried and still doesn’t work out then it’s just not happening. Of course we’ve only been “trying hard” for the past 2 months, so that still gives us lots of ‘testing’ and ‘getting to know each other’ time… I’m not sure if she set a particular date/length of time where she thinks that’s enough time and it is/is not working out (and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to know), because then it doesn’t give us constraints to time – otherwise we’d constantly be rushing rather than being realistic – I suppose we’ll just let time take its course while we do our best to make this relationship work. The GOOD thing is that if our relationship works out, seriously NOTHING will separate us, because we’ve gone through so much that we’d both be impervious, given all the obstacles we’ve had to go through to get to a great place.

I’m not sure how I felt last night. Even when I dropped her off, I’m not sure what I should’ve done. We usually hug each other before we go for the night, but I didn’t even bother positioning myself or asking for one, just didn’t feel right and I’m not sure whether I did it for me or did it for her. I mean quite notably, I wasn’t exactly happy or anything and she wasn’t very happy either – so maybe that’s why. I was kind of upset with how things turned out so I just didn’t feel very huggable. At the same time, I’m also not sure if SHE wanted to be hugged given all the things we talked about. I felt so empty when I went home, like the night wasn’t complete. I got to hold her a lot tonight, but it didn’t feel the same. I mean, I now know I’ve been defeated by PMS – it has never been that bad on me before, I’ve always been able to control PMS on my girls pretty well and have always done the right thing that could help them smile and be happy. I guess I just shouldn’t hold the night against bebe, I mean if PMS is really the culprit, then we’ll be ok once her period starts!

I got home at around 1:30AM after dropping her off and this has been the first time I’ve been so tired that on my drive home, my eyes were READY to close. I got home safely and just plopped on my bed and went to sleep. However, the repercussions to the night were rough. This morning when I woke up, I went to the washroom to puke. There was really ‘nothing’ to puke out since last night’s food had already been entirely digested, the feelings were all the “sick to my stomach” feelings over the previous night. I don’t even know what I’d do without bebe in my life. I don’t want to go back to “searching for another half” because I’ve FOUND her… I just need to be able to keep her. She’s still young and that’s why she’s not “rushing”…. had she been say, 28 or something, then she might be a bit more rushing in this relationship, because that biological clock is ticking against her. We talked last night about how anyone can survive without another person, but the reality is I love bebe so much that I don’t know how I’d be able to go on life without her… Today has not started a good day, I feel exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep, I don’t feel like eating (and even when I do, I feel like barfing) and I can’t breath/concentrate. I just hope I get over this feeling soon, bebe gets over her PMS and both of us be POSITIVE again.

One thing I remind bebe is that all it takes is one incident for her to feel that spark. When, where and how… neither of us knows, but we shouldn’t just give up on it, but simply wait for that spark to happen – because it will. I pray… I pray…

What Do You Do When…

So really, what do you do when you have an irresistible partner? LOL. I wish someone could answer that for me before I kill myself, haha. I think every time I lay my eyes on bebe now, I feel like I want to jump on top of her. I wouldn’t call it horny because it’s not like that, more like… the Chinese expression 肉緊 (I’m not sure what the English expression would be because literally, it means “tight meat” LOL!) I admit I’m more of the touchy-feely type of person, I feel that “draw” of physical intimacy when I’m near someone I care about and this doesn’t have to do just with romantic-partners, but even family, parents or whatever. Sometimes I just feel the need to give my mom/dad a hug or a goodnight kiss or something – I’m just the affectionate type and I’m totally ok with showing it, doesn’t make me feel like I’m a sissy or anything. This world has gone too far with the whole, “to be a man, you have to be macho, tough and show no feelings.” So if anyone can help me suppress that physical affection of mine for bebe, feel free to tell me 😆

I woke up with a deadly headache yesterday morning and it was shit, especially because bebe and I planned on going out. I tried to relax myself to see if the headache went away, made myself a coffee, relaxed on the couch and used my massage chair. I feel asleep on the massage chair and woke up as bebe messaged me on my phone telling me to go over at 4. It was already 3:20 then and she told me she was going back to sleep because she was tired. Being the (cough) great boyfriend I am 😀 I purposely diddly-daddlied around the house, went to the bank,  get gas, etc. before arriving at her house and not arriving at her house until well after 4:30 so she could get some extra sleep. After I got there, I found out she had already slept BEFORE she called me (she had went out for lunch), I felt so 好心着雷劈 (Chinese expression for something along the lines of “Being punished for having a good heart”) for wanting to give her extra sleep time. It’s not like she yelled at me for it, but more of the fact I wasted an extra hour I could’ve been with her thinking she needed extra sleep. It’s not her fault, just that I was trying to be too considerate I guess, bleh!

Bebe was in the bathroom (SEXY, lol) when I got over so her brother opened the door for me. I greeted him and all I got was a grunt as a reply, lol (I see where bebe gets it from… HAHAHA) – weirdest reply ever, so I just ignored him and went upstairs 😛 Guess he was going through some male-PMS or something. Her brother has always been at least polite every time I’ve talked to him, so I forgive him for his unusual rudeness, haha. I finally did it for the VERY FIRST TIME…. but I brought shorts over to bebe’s house to wear because she doesn’t like it when I bring “outside pants” and sit on her bed (very logical). I also left my shorts there as a sign of territory claim, lol. You know, men still have very animalistic nature inside them, LOL. If I leave my shorts there, it’s making a point to all other guys entering her room that she’s taken and someone is watching out for her… or if you prefer a, “Stay the fuck away from my bebe!” statement 😀 I can’t wait until bebe starts leaving stuff at my house, harhar. I heard that women apparently do that too and when they want to “claim their man” – they leave their most intimate things around, like panties, bras, maxi pads/tampons (yes, I’ve read this, not making this shit up) so that other women know that “this guy is no longer available” hah.

I had brought a movie over and my “hope” was that I would just lie there and watch the movie with her and she’d go back to sleep. Well, it failed because she stayed awake the whole movie, LOL. I was hoping she’d fall asleep with me so I could put my arms around her shoulder and pull her head in to me. I wasn’t planning to “take advantage” of her or something (well other than that) – just wanted to have a nice cozy feeling. Nevertheless, although we didn’t quite get to do that, laying on her bed snuggled up with her was a really nice feeling. She did sit rather far (blah), so not sure whether that was just to leave room or whether she still feels the need for that “gap”. I’m honestly terrible when it comes to over-analyzing things. Since she was on the “outside” of the bed, it was much easier for her to steal glances at me, but I caught a few glances of her and my heart totally melted, thinking SHE is the beautiful girl I’m going to spend my life with, just like this, lying together on the bed every night. I couldn’t help but feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world, I wanted to roll over and just kiss bebe on the neck (WANTED, not that I did) and pour my heart’s love out to her. The feeling was just amazing being next to her, although I wish we were a bit “closer”… shared a pillow, actually had some body-contact or under the same blankets, but hey, it’s a start! My plans of her falling asleep didn’t work though, ick, haha! After the movie, she said something really cute and I just hugged her from behind because she was adorable. Her body had a “half accepting” “half rejecting” type feeling, so I definitely can’t complain. At least she doesn’t FULLY reject my touch anymore, so I was happy. Unfortunately, even though she told me wasn’t “uncomfortable” – I could tell she wasn’t “totally” comfortable with it either. Body language is very obvious and not as subvert as people think and our bodies often tell much more than we know or are willing to say. When you get a hug, you usually feel “receiving” and whether you return it is one thing, but part of your body movement tells how much you REALLY want it. When I held her even for a bit, I could feel that it was “ok” for her, but she also wasn’t ready to “embrace” my hold and I could still feel her body trying to escape (although not through anger/discontent, but still not ‘acceptance’). I let go quickly since I had already tested my limits and knew when to call it quits, haha. It was such a warm feeling though and I could feel that we can at least have some contact now.

We fooled around in the house after since she was wide-awake (not that type of fooling, I wish, lol) and then I was getting super hungry so I hinted to get something to eat. While we were looking for stuff, I had put my leg close against her. Again, you could claim I’m taking advantage of the situation, but I just like physical contact and it wasn’t like I was touching her boobs or something. I just put my leg close enough against her where we could feel each other, but not to be “intrusive.” A couple of times she shifted and I wasn’t sure if it was to avoid me pushing up against her or whether it was just natural body movement. Either way, she let me keep my leg there for quite a while, so I’d assume she just moved so her body wouldn’t become stiff. I hadn’t eaten since 11AM, so it was already 8PM then and I could feel myself dying 😛 I grabbed something to eat without asking (oops, lol, I kind of treat it like my house now, haha) just so I wouldn’t pass out. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drive and then grab something to eat. Her driving is improving and it sucks that the past 2 times we’ve gone out, it has been evening/night-time, so I find she’s a lot more conscientious about night-driving, so it tends to be slower – to the point where it might annoy people behind her, lol. I’m not saying this is a fault, more like she just needs to “get used to it” and she’s lucky she doesn’t run into any drivers like me who think she’s too slow, cut her off and give her the middle finger 😆 Plus, I think she’s still on the whole “test-behaviour” since she literally goes the exact limit… 90, she goes 90, heh. I’m not saying I’m right for going faster, but she’ll learn to move “with traffic flow” soon! Parking ins/outs in tight spaces is the one part I’d probably ask her to improve on because she gets AWFULLY close to other people’s cars when she backs up and she doesn’t even realize that there’s probably a “finger” left of space in between. I need to get that parking sensor thing for her soon.

We had Korean food, very yummy and I couldn’t imagine finding a place of this quality where we live. I’ll definitely be visiting again and I even told my mom about it. The price was fantastic and while I didn’t “fill myself up to the max” – I definitely got the money/food worth. I ended up paying while she went to the washroom and she came back to tell me she was thinking of paying tonight, lol. My dad always had this funny thing about people who like to “go pee” right before the bill comes 😛 and I don’t think bebe did that on purpose, since I’ve already gotten used to her washroom habits, but I remember my dad would always yell and my mom and I if we left before the bill came because it’d look like we “expected” the other party to pay for us as well by obligation. My dad was the type to always be aware of mannerisms because of how big our family is, you never want to appear as if you just happen to “go to the washroom” at that time and someone else would end up covering it for you (and naturally, wouldn’t take your money back). In my views, since bebe and I are a “couple” it doesn’t really matter who’s pocket it comes out of as long as we’re spending reasonably. MAYBE I’m just crazy 😆 hah.

As bebe falls for me more and more, I find myself falling head-deep into her. We are… a couple, there’s nothing she can deny anymore, LOL. She could make this sound like a “casual relationship” if she wanted to, but everyone can see more than that 😆 It’s also good because everyone around us seemed to just have accepted it. My mom and all my friends all simply refer to her as “my girlfriend” so they don’t think it’s just a “seeing each other” thing anymore 😛 Even though her friends probably don’t refer to me as bebe’s boyfriend, I’m sure they probably think that anyways XD Anyways, I can feel us coming together so it’s a really nice feeling. I’m starting to put those barriers down and such. Also, I’m also feeling less and less inclination to track bebe now. I know myself well enough to have said before that once I feel close enough and trusting enough of her motives/actions and feel that she’s “responsible towards me” that I would no longer feel the need to snoop. This is true as most of the things I used to do, I don’t do anymore. The other day she was prodding at me for “hacking” but it’s not even CLOSE to what I do to track her XD She has no idea how I do it and she doesn’t need to.. well it doesn’t matter even if she knew how I did it anyways, since I no longer need to do that. She’s definitely being more considerate of my feelings about keeping-in-touch regularly, so then she’s fulfilled her part of the deal and I fulfill my part of the deal by not snooping.

During the dinner she also told me about the thing that’s been bothering her all this time. I guess my second hunch was correct after analyzing the things I read/saw. It was just nice to know what the problem is because I was annoyed at the fact that I should be the one that she “tells everything to” or at least shares her ups/downs with me. You know the say, “for better, or for worse” and it’s true.. I share all my happy AND unhappy moments with her because it’s reality. Again, last night, we truly connected in every way, shape or form. The things we can talk about now is much more relaxed and open. We can also better understand each other and be respectful of each others conversation topics. I’m sure there were a couple of times during the night I said something “inappropriate” but she still played along with it. That’s the whole thing about a relationship, tolerance and naturalization. In her mind, something that comes out of my mouth might not be “what I like” and vice-versa, so we learn just to enjoy what we say to each other within discrimination and just go along with it – in the end, it saves an argument and we both smile. I made some sexual prods at her (half serious, half joking), and it was just funny – it  as not meant to put her into an uncomfortable situation or make myself seem lecherous. I also mentioned about “going to a hotel and sleep in separate beds” with her (because it seems silly to pay for 2 rooms…) later on in the year just to relax and although she didn’t exactly say, “Hey that sounds great!” least she wasn’t like, “Hell no!” either. I’m sure by then I can gauge the comfort-level and if she still doesn’t seem ok with it, I’m not going to push it – it’s not like I set a “time limit” on it. However, if at that time we can share the room together, then it’d be a nice relaxing weekend for us. At least when it comes to relationship things, bebe no longer thinks “no” or “impossible” or “maybe” – but rather “in time” which makes me EXTREMELY happy. I can deal with looking at a situation and saying it’ll take time, but I was frustrated when everything that came from her was a negative, “no, impossible, never, maybe” vocabulary – because now we both believe it will happen.

In terms of physical contact, honestly, I can’t even TELL you how grateful of the advancements we have made. I’m not the one who was uncomfortable with it, so ALL the credits go to her for making those feelings surface. This is all HER doing and I’m totally appreciative of that – because there’s nothing I can do to make her feel comfortable, all this is her initiative, self-power and perseverance. This is also the reason why I “reward her” a lot and give her encouragement, because I know this takes a LOT of effort from her to reach this point. I want to support her, but I also know what I can do is limited because this is much more of a “her struggle” more than my struggle. I’m a physically-comfortable person, while she is not… even with her girl-friends they’re still not the touchy-type. For her to accept my touches or at least be “ok with them” shows great commitment on her part to this relationship. Some have said I spoil bebe, but really, she spoils me too by putting so much into this that I can’t feel that I’d want to give her anything other than the best.

It wasn’t until I got home that I shouldn’t have chosen the particular shorts I bought over. They’re a “light material” and that’d be problematic if I ever had an erection, LOL. I guess I don’t really get hard in front of bebe, mostly because it’s a self-control and respect thing for her. As much as I think she’s sexy and stuff, I know she wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that I could sexually excited in front of her, so I have enough respect for that not to get hard. At the same time, I also wouldn’t be super-embarrassed though if I did get one and she saw it. The reality is she’s shy and all, but I also don’t think she doesn’t know ANYTHING about “natural reactions”… if it happens, it happens -woopidoo! Plus, it’s not like she won’t see my penis one day anyways, lol. This date, I also spent more time looking at her body… it’s so yummy 😀 I found some “excuses” to touch her/poke her, haha – see the reason why I do that is because I know if there’s a ‘reason’ at least it wouldn’t be discomforting and stuff. If I were to randomly tell her, “I want to touch your arm” – then she’d probably have a problem with that, haha. I hope she’ll let me just randomly touch her soon, I’m starting to feel really edgey 😆 and I don’t even mean groping her at private places, I just like sometimes putting my hands on her just as a sign of affection and assurance. Her body is so wonderful so that’s why she should share it with me, haha! She’s an excellent flirter and it scares me where she gets that experience from 😛

A great night either way… the hugs, still quicker than I’d like it to end and I would hold on to her longer, but when I feel her “pushing away” then I definitely wouldn’t want to just grab on and not let go – that’d be rude. At the same time, I also hope that we spend more time embracing each other and it’s not necessary just “when I leave” that we do that. Either way, another happy night minus my killer headache. I had been thinking how pitiful it is that I will probably miss her period again this coming week or something and then ended up with a bad-dream about bebe. When I woke up, I was so glad it was a dream because that dream was definitely not a nice one! I went to the washroom and splashed my face with water to make sure I was awake, because most of the dreams I have about bebe are always good. I guess I’ve been too annoyed with this whole, “catching her on her period” thing that’s been sending my temper off a bit. I should suppress those thoughts and annoyance though before I get angry or something. She’s trying to make this relationship work so I shouldn’t be pressuring her about being open with me about it, but I just can’t believe how much luck is so rotten that with all the times we’ve been out, not a single time she’s been around when she’s on 😐 BLAH.

Moms Say the Darnest Things…

So let me start by talking about a little “incident” over the last week that has been kind of creepy (although, positively creepy). About 2 weeks ago I had a coworker who is a big fan of psychics and each year, about this this time of year, they come to our city. Ever since my dad passed away, each time she goes to the psychic, they would be always sense my dad’s presence as not only were they coworkers, but great friends as well. At around 8PM the night she went to the psychic fair, she sent me a funny message saying that my dad came through “very strong” and that he was asking about what happened with the car (I recently had work done on my car due to some fuel efficiency problems) and that he is waiting for his grandchildren now! I laughed and although it’s always nice to hear things about deceased loved ones, I guess sometimes you are skeptical about how reliable the information is or how “real” these things are. Suffice to say, our family is what I would deem as a “spiritual” family… we believe that there’s more to life than what meets the eye and although we are not highly religious of sorts, we do practice our faith to a degree. While I would hardly consider ourselves “devotedly religious” by any means, we also don’t think that human life is as simple as birth and death.

I did not show my mom the message yet because my mom yet, although I did show bebe who got a chuckle. A few nights later, my mom woke up in the morning and was in a very cheery mood because she told me she had finally seen my dad (via a dream) since he hasn’t “visited” in a while. My mom is one of those people who sometimes I wonder if she has “special powers”… because many times things she saw in dreams have become ‘true’ or has manifested itself in one way or another. I’m not going to say EVERY dream she ever had happened, but certainly, I’m always scared when she tells me about her dreams. She said that she saw our family (including my dad) enjoying a gathering with her best-friends mother (let’s just call the friend E and her mom C). Also in the same night, my mom also told me dad had a conversation with her and asked her to tell me, “呀仔加油畀心機追你嘅女朋友!” (My son, continue your efforts in chasing your girlfriend!). Like I said, sometimes I am skeptical about what my mom tells me from dreams because she has an “overactive mind”… but what I’m going to tell you to follow is freaky. However, assuming that dreams can sometimes help bridge “human life” and “spiritual life” – I’d be very happy to say that my dad approves of bebe and that we will have a successful relationship as long as we’re willing to devote effort into each other.

3 days ago, E called my mom and told her she was very excited because all of a sudden her mom, C… called E and told her that she will be coming to Canada as a “last minute” plan to enjoy the start of Canadian spring. My mom was shocked… because just a week ago, she had a dream about C being in the dream with my dad and our family at a gathering… How could the dream have been so realistic, is this something my dad was “telling” my mom that she would be coming? E & C are very good friends of our family, so therefore we’ve always had a great relationship with them so it wouldn’t be a surprize if my dad “reported” to my mom to expect a visitor. My mom had this weird look when she put down the phone.. I guess shock and surprize. C has not come to Canada to visit E (her daughter & my mom’s best friend) since 2006 because of some major injuries and surgury. All of a sudden, after my mom’s dream, days later C actually called E telling her that she was coming and gave her the itinerary.

Ok… so yes, we could all say this was just an “unusual coincidence” that my mom dreamt of a gathering with my Dad, our family and C… but dreams after often “recollections” of things that have happened or manifest itself into our minds… but this situation that was predicted HASN’T HAPPENED and in fact, just “became true”… I guess in a way, it validates that sometimes my mom has this unusual nack for connecting spiritually with my father (after all, they WERE married and soul-mates, this wouldn’t be a surprize) and also, dreams I have about my father are usually very strong and supportive. Many times, I’ve had things my dad told me to be aware of through dreams really did come true. It is kind of freaky. At the same time, this is a very warm feeling knowing that dad is always around to protect us and to give us guidance when we need it. Most importantly, I know that my dad, even beyond the grave, approves of bebe and he encourages me to pursue her love. Now with my mom and dad’s approval of bebe, I’m all in! Hey, my love-life has steadily improved with bebe and I think she is even to begin feeling a little – so thanks to all the blessings of (living) family and friends and also that of our ancestors and the heavens.

Yesterday, I mentioned to bebe that in the near future, I’d like to open up a bank account for her and put a bit of money in every week so she’d have some extra money to spend. I have only did this with ONE other serious girlfriend before and I’m always very careful about it… after all, I don’t want to be used by a gold-digging girl. Furthermore, I’ve used this in the past as a “test” to see how well the girl manages money, responsibility and practicality as well. Although I’m going to wait until bebe and I are on better terms, I have a feeling that this relationship will become successful. She mentioned that one of her friend’s boyfriend does this as well and thought perhaps this is “common” — I told her this is HARDLY the case. I’ve asked around my friends before and most of them are like, “Dude, are you stupid? You should NEVER give her girlfriend money like that…” and most of them don’t even see that happening even POST-MARRIAGE, let alone dating. I questioned myself to make sure I “felt” the want to give bebe some spending money as well as whether it is a SMART choice to make – because we all know money can ruin women 😛

Through major deliberations, I decided to run the idea through bebe to see what she says. She of course said, “Oh you don’t need to do that” – but I couldn’t tell if it was the usual “girl humbleness” to not make herself look like she WANTS that money, or deep down she really loves the idea of having two purses to spend (her parents and mine, lol). From what I’ve seen, bebe is fairly responsible with money, that is why I even contemplated this in the first place. I still need lots of in-depth time to “study” what kind of person bebe is… I mean yes, I do trust her, but I am also practical in the sense I’m not stupid enough to let a girl take advantage of me. I do want to know without a doubt that she is trustworthy and not playing me for a fool. This is not only the case with money, but even for other things. Deep down in my heart, obviously I trust her, but on the surface using LOGIC – I definitely have to keep my smarts about it and not let my emotions consume me. I guess we will find out her genuineness in time. I went to the bank to give her some money yesterday, something nice for her to spend while she’s out there with her friends and stuff, I want to hope that was the right decision.

So today my mom asked me while shopping what we do about handling bills. For the most part, 9 out of 10 times, I would say I pay the bills or any type of dating expenditures. Am I really old fashion to think that the guy always has to pay? I know that especially in an era now that we “casually date” and that there are “open relationships” – dating couples have opted to do 50/50. Maybe I’m too old fashion to accept that a girl should pay. My mom asked because she wanted to know whether bebe ever bothers pulling out her wallet or that it is in her expectation that I am always the one paying. My mom likes to know details because people in relationships are often blind to things… she just wants to make sure I’m not being used. Even my mom said, when she was young, many guys would offer to take her out and every night, she could always get free dinners if she wanted to. Likewise, my mom said that I have to be smart about watching how bebe is treating me, whether she is being equitable in paying when we go out. After all, she doesn’t want her son being rung dry by a girl who simply wants “a good night out” with no expense to her. Bebe certainly has paid for our food/activities before but I think she also won’t get into a fight with me about it, LOL. Although I love bebe very much, I am still “cautious” of these things, so I’m not totally blind yet by bebe, haha.

Date One: Yes, Make the Offer
Most men want to treat on the first date. He wants to show that he is in fact a gentleman. This fine young man will reach for the check when the conversation has settled a bit, pretend to check the figures, and take out his wallet. What should you do? Ask if you can contribute by paying the tip or part of the bill (be prepared just in case he takes you up on it). This is your way of acknowledging his gesture. We just want the offer. A sweet thank-you is also appreciated. That is all men really want — some simple recognition. But, do not go further than making the offer — do not insist on paying your half, even if you’re having the worse time of your life. This is like saying to the guy, “I could never be interested in you.”

Dates Two and Three: Actually Making a Contribution
Out for dinner once again, maybe a movie this time, or bowling or a dance club, etc. Some money is being spent somewhere. Again offer to contribute. Again say thank you when he insists on paying. However, this time find some way to make a contribution. Examples: Buy the popcorn at a movie, buy a round of drinks at a bar, buy some ice cream after dinner. Many guys will say that is not necessary, but it is definitely appreciated.

Dates 4 and Beyond: Time to Insist
Most men like when the women take the wheel for a night or two. Once you are “dating,” you should plan a night and insist on paying. This gesture again is a nice way to recognize that you appreciate your guy being generous on dates one through, and now it is your turn. A nice guy will offer to contribute and it is okay to reject his contribution.

Having read some articles recently, it does appear that “bill splitting” seems to be common on dates now. Weird for me, but I guess that’s how society is moving now – or even if you don’t split the bill, at least make sure the night is “even” between the parties… i.e if someone paid for lunch, then the other should pay for dinner – or something like that. I guess the thing is that a lot of these rules apply to “casual dating”… and right now, I don’t think there’s anything “casual” about bebe and I, lol. Any guy who even thinks about going after bebe right now is asking to cut their lifespan considerably as a bullet will find its way to their throat very quickly. But anyways, bebe has always done her share and has never made it an issue to cover any remainders (especially when cash is involved, OOPS) or to pay the outstanding tip or whatever. It seems like lots of people recommend “talking about bill-splitting” – but that’s an awfully weird conversation to have.

1 Talk about how to split the bill in the first few weeks of dating. Ask your date if they want to always split the bill so no one feels obligated. The beautiful part of this is since you both expect to pay there won’t be awkwardness when the bill arrives.

2 Take turns paying. If your boyfriend paid for dinner last time, just grab the check when it arrives! This way you can go back and forth and it’s essentially the same as splitting the bill.

3 Split the cost of the evening instead of splitting a single bill. When you’re going to dinner and a movie on a single night, ask the person you’re dating if they’d like to pay for the movie or for dinner, and tell him or her you’ll pay for whichever they don’t choose.

4 Avoid being insistent about paying. Some men and women can actually become offended by the idea of someone constantly paying for them (or even paying just once). If your date says no and insists on splitting the bill, it’s best to just agree.

5 Be honest when you can or cannot afford to split the bill. It’s better to just let your partner know you’d rather go to a coffee shop than to a 5-star restaurant.

Tips & Warnings

Set aside some money for every time you go out, specifically for the purpose of splitting the bill. It’s best to always assume you are paying for your share so as not to appear like you are taking advantage of your partner.

Don’t make taking the bill on yourself a habit. The more you pay, the more it will become expected, and you’ll be stuck every time you go out with paying for the meal or the movie. Offer from time to time, but also ask, “Wanna split it today?”

Interesting on that last one about the “warning”… I wonder if it’s true. I’m not sure… right now, maybe I’m being stupid, but I consider bebe “just like family” and my sweetheart… I try not to think of us as “you” and “me” – but rather, “us”… so what’s the big deal about spending our money? I think most people would say I’m playing a dangerous game here, allowing a girl to: get money out of me, have dinners & activities paid for, her personal chauffeur.. etc. Am I being too innocent or is it because I’m so committed to her I feel there shouldn’t be a separation? I’m sure there’s always a risk of being used, but seriously, bebe treats me great and if she wasn’t being genuine about her feelings for me, she could use me but give me NOTHING in return and I’d still be enough to do it. The fact she’s making a very real effort, I would like to assume/feel this is all real and not fake.

I’ve also noticed that bebe isn’t very picky when it comes to choosing a place (in the sense she will not always demand we go “somewhere nice”)… we can eat nicely or eat casually – that to me is very important. If she asked me to take her to a nice place EVERY time and expected me to pay, then for sure my mind would start noticing something wrong. I dislike wasting food, so I always try to not over-order and I expect the same of bebe. I would never have an issue for paying for food she can eat, but I would be upset if she ordered lots and didn’t eat it. Having a “bit of food left” at the end is very different than “ordering a table full of food to eat a plate.” I love the way that bebe makes me feel good about never having given me flack for places I’ve taken her in terms of whether it was “up to her standards” e.g high-class restaurant versus a locals joint. I think I noticed that most when I was with her in HK where she was more than happy to accompany to eat at not-so-nice places. I followed through by reading a question a reader posted up on the AskMEN site… http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_100/132_relationship_expert.html entitled “Does She Love Me For My Money?” – it makes you think although this is definitely NOT how I feel about bebe.

My mom said she recommended me to sometimes stay at home and do things with bebe and just cook together. Bebe in the past have told me she dislikes when we eat at home because she has to do the dishes. I always tell her I can do the dishes if she doesn’t want to. I don’t want this to become a valid excuse for her not to eat at home. My mom says that the “highest level of genuineness from a girl” is making a meal with each other at home. She should be willingly to make a meal for a guy, not necessarily “the best meal ever” – but showing that she doesn’t always want to just dine out and that cooking as a couple is not simply the objective of “putting food in our mouths” – but a FUN experience of COOKING TOGETHER. This isn’t something I’ve never thought of before, in fact, the past month I’ve been always offering to let’s cook at her house. It has hurt me that each time she always uses the “dishes” excuse… and let’s just say IF dishes are a problem, can she not at least find it in her to eat at home sometimes? Sure it is a hassle, but I’m not asking her to do that on EVERY date, just that being able to spend time in the kitchen with each other, learning a new recipe or trying a new meal – even if we FAIL it, at least we have an experience and memory. Right now, this is the only thing I’m kind of upset about on why we HAVEN’T done this yet – why does she a) use the same excuse, b) not just be willing to do the dishes regardless of the complaint and c) learn to appreciate some home-cooked meals with me. I like “variations” in my life… I do not expect her to invite me over every night to eat, but I also don’t want to go out to eat all the time and not have HER at least sacrifice a bit of her unwillingness to do the dishes/make a mess as a justification for not being in the house/kitchen. I kind of got annoyed when I was looking at pictures I had saved on my phone with bebe, I could clearly note she had parties with her friends at her house (with the kitchen clearly visible) – so my challenging question to her would be why you let YOUR friends come over and prepare food in the kitchen, but not ME? This has only been a small matter for me, but I can slowly feel it manifesting inside me towards dissatisfaction of “equality” between her friends and I and the lack of motivation for her to “do something for me.”

Anyways, last night really ended up well so I don’t want to let something small make me question her motives and feelings. I need to be more positive about outlook at things she does because sometimes her actions does make me think, but at the same time, I’m not going to be too hasty and judge her too quickly. Obviously if something’s amidst over time, then I will act on it, otherwise, it may be just a simple “phase” thing that she’s going through. Maybe it just doesn’t cross bebe’s mind that something as simple as “not offering to cook at home” is not offensive, but to me, it makes me wonder WHY a girl who I’ve been with this long hasn’t at least offered once to make something for me at home but fobbing me off with excuses. I know her kitchen isn’t in the best condition or the most romantic setting, but come on… If I have to pressure her to do it, then it has no meaning. Sometimes I think we need to do things from the heart and not simply because we have to be “asked” to do something. Maybe this is the problem with girls who have not had more relationship experience, so maybe I do need to “teach” her these things or explain to her “this is how I see the current situation”… but ya…. well who knows, maybe she’ll kick up the role a bit later. Even if she doesn’t know how to cook a lot, at least we can make “quick-fix foods” or she can even feel motivated enough to LEARN something just for the sake of making a sweet-dinner.

My mom truly believes that girls should be “responsible” as well when it comes to paying on dates… it’s not a matter of being so calculative as in… the bill is $50, so therefore you owe $25 and I will pay $25… but a matter of that there should be equality and an acceptance of responsibility and not being the rung through the dryer. I don’t mind bebe not always paying particularly because she’s still using her parents money and not earning any income, so hopefully she’ll start being a bit more prudent about us doing stuff together around-the-house and making food together as a way for us to “become closer.” I know for the rest of my life I will be catering for bebe and that’s MY fault for loving her so deeply and to allow myself to do that… but I also want a bit of that ‘return’… which bebe has told me she’s not ready to return that sacrifice yet… but everyone has a tolerance level and it’s like those nuclear reactors in Japan… those reserves can withstand a degree pressure, lack of water to keep it cool and can go without maintenance for a bit… but not giving it water when it needs it and letting it wear down to a dangerous point is a recipe for an explosion. I don’t want to ever have to reach that point where I need to point out to her that she treats her friends better than me and that she’s not being “fair” about it and have me even become explosive on her friends – because that won’t be nice… maintain those reactors, do patch-work, be diligent about keeping the water levels topped up and all will be fine. Excuses don’t cut it in a relationship, the only PRACTICAL solution is to do something about it.

Just like one of my annoyed friends use to say when he saw those “closed” signs on business doors, “Sorry, we are closed at the moment.” and he always hissed, “If you were fucking ‘sorry’ then you would be OPEN right now!” — lol… I mentioned to bebe that I’m free during the weekdays too if she wants to go out or whatever, whether she’s returning back to town or whether she wants me to go out there to meet her… I wonder whether she’ll actually heed it.

The Typical Date… Almost!

So another great date-night… isn’t it a great trend lately that I’ve been having great days? Life is starting to really become enjoyable. I mean look back at the history of my blog and you will see much depression and anxiety… often mixing in with frustration and anger. Today was a beautiful night with many reasons making it so. Today, bebe and I decided to do a “typical date” night.. you know, the whole ‘dinner and a movie’ thing – LOL. As long as we have been dating, we have not done this before, so it was a nice experience. We’ve always found very abstract things to do with each other, but a movie just “never came to mind” – or I should correctly say, it never came to my mind since I’m not a movie goer (but a movie WATCHER), but I see why it’s so enjoyable now. Suffice to say, watching inside a cinema is definitely more expensive than at home, but hey, once in a while it’s ok. Like I said, I want our dating to be “balanced” and “reasonable”… i.e going out all the time would become a burden, so being able to do stuff around the house is nice as well. If it was expected that every date is a dinner + activity + movie, then it’d get rather pricey… not that I wouldn’t be willing, but then I’d certainly have to cut back elsewhere.

Anyways, we watched BEASTLY [Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen]… not a bad movie and although I would not say “wow” I wouldn’t say “nay” either… rather indifferent. That’s not to say bebe didn’t choose a good movie, because it was probably already one of the better one of all the ones we could’ve chosen from. Again, I tried asking bebe if she wants to hold hands during the movie… and still, no go. I had thought maybe she wanted to do a movie with me (it was her suggestion) as a “signal” that perhaps she is ready for some physical intimacy, but alas I lied to myself once again. I wasn’t upset… because I’ve kind of hit that point where I just feel that each time is a ‘chance’ and an opportunity for me to ask. Back a while ago, I would get frustrated every time bebe “rejected” me… but now, every time is a brand new chance and because I know bebe isn’t the type of girl to take initiative. I know I will have to continually ‘ask’ and one time succeed, but she would definitely not be the one to ask ME if I wanted to hold her hands or for her to offer. I can definitely see my level and tolerance and patience beginning to change to accommodate to her more resistant levels of intimacy. It’s a very sweet thing that I even see myself changing and growing “for” her. Had it been a month ago, I would’ve been very hurt, angry and it would kind of ruin my night. Now, I just accept it and think that, “next time will be another chance until she says yes!” – perhaps sad self-encouragement, but better than beating my self-confidence up over it.

During the movie, I did spot her body language… she sat “more to the left” when I was on the right-hand side. I’m not sure whether it’s just naturally her to shift to one side, I haven’t sat in a chair next to her enough to judge, or whether she’s implying she wants to “keep a distance.” Suffice to say, it took some time during the movie before I even mustered up the courage to ask her. When she shook her head, I felt kind of dejected… but hey, it has been THIS long already, what’s one more time? 🙄 Then about 10 minutes later, she tapped me and for a moment, my heart was really happy thinking that she finally changed her mind or felt that “spark”… but nope, once again… it was just because she wanted me to shuffle in so she could go to the washroom -__-” At that point I just gave up and didn’t want to affect the night by putting too much pressure. Many people often wonder why I ask, because it is always kind of weird… because usually things like that, holding hands, touching shoulders, embracing hugs and the surprize kiss is usually just something that “happens” and most people don’t ask for permission or anything. Indeed, it would give bebe less time to react and I would actually be able to pull it off, but that’s not the point. The point is, even something as simple as holding hands, is very akin to having sex. You do something, because you FEEL and WANT to… I want bebe to feel and want to hold my hands, not a matter of obligation or pressure. It’s kind of like having “loveless” sex (I’m sure plenty will disagree with me here, but this is MY stance)… sure, you have it and possibly even have an orgasm, but in the end, it has no meaning. I could grab her hands, hold it and she may let me without making a fuss, but if neither of us feels that “connection” – then it is a meaningless to hold hands. I want to always give bebe that opportunity to accept and that’s why I keep asking, so she feels like she doesn’t have to be the one to “take the step” – but at the same time, I also want to wait until she’s ready – and thus, I feel that meaningless hand-holding is like having sex with a stranger who you have no feelings for.

I know bebe could tell that I wasn’t thrilled about her not accepting, which wasn’t a huge “problem” for me… I’ve already been a failure this many times right? I don’t blame her, I blame myself… what kind of terrible boyfriend am I who can’t make his girlfriend “feel” like holding his hand? But anyways, bebe’s getting much better at reading me now, which is really nice. After we got back into the foyer of the cinema, I found a little arcade center there so I went in and took a look. She snuck up on me while I was reading the “instructions” on one of the games. I’m not sure whether she meant to or not… but she gave me this light little touch/put her hands on my wrist… I’m not sure if that meant anything, but it certainly made me happy. It didn’t go any further than that and she only did it for less than a second, so I’m not sure whether she pulled away because it was “an accident” she held me like that or whether it truly was something from within her.

Oh right… how did I even skip this far anyways? LOL… so before we went to the cinema, backtracking a bit, we went to a “jok fun mien fan” place… (Congee, Dough-Noodles, Noodles and Rice)… Hong-Kong style Chinese eatery. Bebe and I had some really interesting conversations and more importantly, they were very relaxed and close. The attentiveness to each other was high and we truly connected in those conversations together. The conversations weren’t even so much about “each other” – but just the fact the topics brought us together. Furthermore, we both got to learn stuff about each other and shared a bit of our history and stuff. The important part was there were lots of revelations about each other, so it was a very successful and informative dinner. I could tell that bebe was more “engaged” and also feeling very comfortable/open. Although having dated bebe for this long, I still get the ‘pre-date jitters’… even the hour before leaving the house, I keep on thinking, “oh, what are we going to talk about?” and try to think of topics… but it’s like whenever we get together, the topics just come naturally. It’s so beautiful 🙂

So I “formally” met one of her friends today… well, formal may not be the perfect expression, but more or less I got to meet one of her friends, was introduced and was not “an accident” like the prior time I met her friends. Definitely a nice girl and I’d for sure want to get to know her better, but I’m sure it’ll take a while to break the ice too. I was cautious this time because bebe had told me her friend is rather shy and that I should be careful about being too aggressive (conversationally) with her. Being an avid person who likes to “read body language” – I could tell her friend wasn’t ready to have rapid-conversation with me yet, so I kind of spoke to her on an as-needed basis and whenever I did, I also “included” bebe in the conversation so she would feel more comfortable communicating with me. All-in-all, I’m not sure what kind of “impression” I made on her friend, but at least I didn’t screw anything up. I kind of think how much it sucks that the reason why I even got to meet one of bebe’s friends was because I offered to fix her computer, but hey, at least I got to meet one… although I wish it was on a less “official” or “business-like” matter. Go figure that when I was introduced, she didn’t give me a title… haha.

So I dropped them off and called it a night. Her friend was definitely “smart” about it… she walked ahead in case bebe and I wanted to ‘do’ anything (ya right, I wish…. no goodnight kiss as usual) and to give us some privacy. I already knew at the start of the night that if bebe and her friend leaves together, she will not likely give me a hug. Still, every time I leave her I only get a hug if I ask for one, she never offers… in fact, we should not only be hugging when we part, but even when we first see each other and throughout the time we spend together. Intimacy should not only be for “occasion” or an “event” during the day. But anyways, yes, I realized if I was dropping them off, bebe would likely be “too embarrassed” (yes, because I am an embarrassment of a boyfriend) to give me a hug with her friend present, so I had already expected it. However, oddly enough, she stopped as she was about to close the door, turned around and gave me some parting words for the night. They were genuine, nice and made me feel good – perhaps I guess she knew I was waiting for my hug which I was clearly not getting, so decided to at least say a few things to me… The smile on her face… was amazingly warm and felt like she was “reaching out” to me, knowing that I wanted something that she wasn’t ready to give in the presence of her friends (which I suppose I expected/understood). Something about that smile of hers though… her smiles have always touched me before, but never like this… it was so gentle, as if we are finally “connecting” with each other profoundly.

Bebe and I are starting to become more and more like a couple, I can feel it and I can tell that comfort-level is growing between us. Though we are far from intimacy or even simple physical contact, I know that she’s definitely trying her hardest and that I am trying to do my best to be “Mr. Right” for her. Although there are times I wonder how it’s acceptable for her to want ME to change, but not to change for me, I guess she has it right when it comes down to the fact that she’s making much effort for herself to “feel” for me and that in itself is ‘changing’ her… I suppose people may REALLY chastise me for my “one-track mind” in always expecting my favourite type of information from her, so I’m just going to shut-up about it. To me, her telling me that stuff isn’t just simply satisfying curiosity, but a sign of comfort and acceptance. Until she’s ready to tell me more about that stuff, I still sometimes feel that pang. At the same time, I feel honoured and very special that she at least discusses SOME with me, so I should always bite my tongue and not complain. Maybe one day, just one day soon, she’ll whisper in my ears, “I’m on right now” and smile at me 😀 That would make everything great! See… maybe I lie and sometimes I do have a dirty little mind, but at least I’m honest about it. I can’t deny my “passion” for that stuff, but also, because bebe has been very generous to accepting my ‘flaw’ of loving menstruation. I wish I could stop using this as a “determiner” – because it’s not fair that I use this to judge her comfort with me – although she has admitted that night when I mentioned periods that she told me not to push back down her comfort with me which was a bit crushing/disappointing, but whatever, she DOES have a point which I can’t deny.

It has been a wonderful night we had and although I did not accomplish much in terms of making a “great” impression on her friend, at least I did get to finally meet one ‘officially’ and more importantly, tonight I could truly feel that “couples feeling” when bebe and I were together. More importantly as well was I also got to see how bebe is like when she’s with her friends and it’s WONDERFUL — because I need her friends to bring out that carefree and relaxed girl that bebe can only be when she’s around her friends. I suppose it gives me a BIT of jealousy that her friends can bring that happiness out of her while I can’t, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time! All that matters for now is we’re actually taking steps in stride now, rather than going backwards. I should not make this whole period-information thing a big deal (but can’t deny it makes me feel NICE when she does tell me things), because I always tell her to learn to appreciate me for who I am/what I do/that I’m around… I should heed my own words and be grateful for her as well, she is a BLESSING to me.

Still no hand-holding or a passionate kiss yet… but one day… one day soon – because I believe we can make it!

Is It Wrong to Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Him?

So of course when I saw this article pop up on MSN after logging out of my Hotmail, I could not help but want to read it and see what it’s all about…:

By Maura Kelly

Is It Wrong to Date Someone Who Likes You More Than You Like Him?

Blogger ponders the ethics of the great love divide

A certain romantic conundrum has been on my brain for a while:

Isn’t it unethical — or at least kind of mean … or at least a little deceptive — to date a guy if I can tell he likes me more than I like him?

At least one of my friends thinks it is. If I ever say anything like, “Yes, that dude I met through OkCupid is pretty cool, and he seems to totally dig me, but I’m not sure I see it lasting any longer than three months, if that,” my friend will come back with, “It’s not fair of you to string him along! You should either break it off or let him know that you might feel less serious than he does.”

And because I think my friend is mostly right — and because that is CERTAINLY the kind of advice I give him when the roles are reversed — I usually do break it off.

But lately, because I’ve been thinking seriously about my problems with commitment-phobia, I’ve started to wonder if my “ethical stance” about not dating anyone who likes me more than I like him is actually coterminous with my fear of getting into a serious relationship.

If you’re wondering what the hell I mean by that, allow me to show my work, as my algebra teacher might have said: It’s more likely I could get into a serious relationship with a guy who actually likes me — and the idea of being in a serious relationship is scary to me. And my “fear of intimacy” gets sublimated into a lack of attraction to the guy who actually likes me. So voilà! I remain free to get hung up on “douchebags” (by definition, dudes who are less into me than I am into them, naturally). And so I remain single. And I remain FREE.

And even though I say I’d love to be in a healthy relationship … the truth is, the idea of uniting my life with another person’s kinda freaks me out for a million reasons. Which maybe I’ll get into tomorrow.

But for now, let me get back to my original question. Tell me, folks: Do you think it is, in fact, unethical — or at least kind of mean — to date a person if you can tell he or she is more into you than you are into him?

Or do you think there is always going to be some kind of imbalance — and that the only way any romantic relationship ever evolves is if both people deal with the fact that one person likes the other more, at first, but they’re both willing to move forward to see if things even out?

Do you think there should be a gender exception when it comes to this issue? Like, is it okay for one person to like the other more only if that person is a man — since, according to conventional (or at least old-fashioned) wisdom, men are supposed to be the pursuers?

Or do you simply think that when a relationship is meant to be, it’s meant to be, and there’s no sense of disparity?

Given that bebe has expressed to me before that she’s afraid of being committed in this relationship because she feels she might lose her freedom, make herself vulnerable (emotionally) and that she has yet to know where she’s going to permanently locate herself, she finds it hard to overly commit herself… however, I also think that she may even have this said ‘fear of intimacy’ that the author writes about. Of course I’m not bebe and I can’t say for sure or maybe she doesn’t even understand/recognize her own feelings/thoughts yet – but hey, either way I’m still pursuing her!

I really enjoyed reading this because it highlights the encompassing idea that two people must always equally like each other and I think that’s almost shockingly non-existent… how do partners achieve equality? Almost in any relationship, I can see that there will always be one of the partners who loves the other more. Does this mean that a relationship cannot be successful? Absolutely not! In fact, that’s the reason why courting, dating, wooing, etc. all exist – to solidify the opposite individuals feelings and emotions for yourself. If two people were automatically “in love” with each other like we love to believe in fairy-tales, then there would be no courting process, no need for one of the individuals to want to make the other feel good, confident and of worth!

Bebe has told me of her guilt before in dragging me on and continuing to try to make things work by holding on to me, even though she doesn’t quite feel for me. She says it’s unfair to me, but the reality is, there’s more unfairness to trying to giving in and ignore than truly taking the time to analyze possibilities while in a relationship. It always hurts me more in any relationship to end prematurely rather than seeing what could have been. Yes, there will always be a potential for a negative ending but yet, why not think that pushing forth may result in a positive ending – an ending of happiness and fulfillment? Attraction is a funky thing and i know over the years and perhaps, lol, even months… my definition of attraction and the type, physically and personality-wise, of girl I would normally be or not be interested in. Suffice to say, when bebe and I first met, there was some getting used to for me in regards to coming to terms with things I’m simply not used to and not a matter of me not being able to accept certain things/matters/features.

I’m not only a believer that there will always be imbalance in a relationship, but would even dare want to be the one who loves bebe more than she loves me. I don’t have a problem with that. Some may say that’s a blind and foolish thing to do – but then you could argue, so are all the crazy people who get married and have kids! Oh-the-nightmare-of-it-all. People do things for a special someone because it makes them feel good. When I do something for bebe, I don’t analyze what I get out of it. When I give bebe something, I don’t have an expectation of getting something back but rather, is a fulfilling feeling on its own. Perhaps, getting something in return may make me feel additionally well about myself, nevertheless, even the act of doing something for a loved-one is a joyous moment itself.

I see many successful relationships nowadays which all started from something that was “forced”… for instance, many older relationships, women were pretty much forced into marriage or perhaps simply chose their husband out of not wanting to be single/out of wedlock or have a dependency. Many of these “fake loves” grow into “real love”… and although as cruel as that may sound, how could one deny everlasting happiness? I don’t keep tallies and nor do I care about trying to compare how much I’ve done for bebe versus how much she’s done for me because there is no score on love or for someone you care about. How can someone “quantify” the amount of love they have given? Is it tangible, can I hold it? Every time I hear a girl use the word “feel” to describe their willingness or unwillingness towards a guy, I think the Heavens should punish them by removing a tooth our of their mouth. If chemistry and “feel” exists… then so does fate. The concept of “feel” is retarded because there are justifiable and descriptive things that relate to whether we have “feel” or not to one another.

I read many of the comments following this article and was surprized to see how most people as they mature and become older, recognize the realities of life that cupid just doesn’t fly by, shoot and arrow and we all instantly fall in love. Relationships prosper under effort, commitment, loyalty and willingness to endure hardships. No amount of “chemistry” helps you resolve problems. “Feel” does not pay the bills when a partner loses a job or becomes chronically ill. Chemistry does not justify bringing a newborn child into existence. Feel is not the binding glue of aged couples walking happily down the street in canes and walkers. How we truly learn to love is by overlooking the things we want or expect, but rather, what is necessary for two people to enjoy a lifetime of happiness together.

I really think people should revisit the above article every time they think about whether a guy is right for them a not, just based on their own lack of attraction and truly consider some other qualities about the guy who do shine forth. I cannot imagine that any couple out there when they got together satisfies each others wants/needs 100% – but what DOES matter is that these two people through their love and commitment for each other enables them to stay together. Love has no disparity, only ignorance.

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