4 years ago this day, my dad passed away in the morning peacefully at the hospital. These past 4 years, you could say “has not passed slowly” nor “has passed quickly”. In midst of this death, our family has found happiness even in his absence. In midst of his death, our family has also endured many trials and obstacles.
With that said, it was also just Father’s Day a weekend ago where we went to visit my Dad’s spot at the cemetery (I say “spot” because it isn’t a grave, it is indoors). Do I miss him? Absolutely. However, I do not relish on the fact he’s not here, but rather, try to live everyday in his memory and that he gave life to me and raised me to be the person I am today for a reason and that despite all the problems that I may endure, that I carry forth in his honour. However, because the week prior to Father’s Day, bebe gave me the talk, I was near-tears when I was sitting in front of my Dad, asking him to bless bebe and I in our relationship, that may we make the right decisions and give us the strength to make this relationship happen. I told my Dad I love bebe very much and hope that she will feel the same soon. I asked my Dad why I have always been such a good person in my life that I have to be punished sometimes by the pains of emotions. Bebe is not a punishment for me, but the obstacles bebe and I face are tough, but my love for her has made me virtually impervious to failure. Each time I fall, I stand up again. I almost cried in front of my Dad, pleading with him that I care for bebe very much and I’d love nothing more right now than for him to give us our best wishes and blessings from above that bebe will find it in herself to truly accept me as a boyfriend one day.
It is hard to imagine, that despite my own Father’s death, I have only shed tears at his bedside, but not as his funeral nor post-funeral. I have shed many more tears for bebe and I, than I ever had for my Dad. I am not sure whether it is guilt I feel, that I feel so strongly over a girl in my life than my own father. However, anyone knows me well will know this is NO indication that I do not love or will continue loving my father. I begged my Dad to help me be the rightful person, a good caring guy and a loving person towards bebe and that each action is guided by him to help bebe understand and love who I am and so that I can finally express my undying love for bebe as well. I know I am not a perfect person, but if I am anything like my father, one day, I will be able to touch bebe’s heart. I wonder to myself though, why can I hold in my tears when it comes to my father’s death, but find it so hard to contain myself when I stress and despair over bebe. Nevertheless, as Poh Ching keeps on telling me, I need to be the one to stay positive, to guide bebe through a learning-of-love process and to be there when she needs me. I cannot be so greedy as to only want things from bebe, but not be considerate of the pace at which she wants to move. I need to refrain from placing pressures from her or at least act in such a way where she does not see my innocent actions as being pressure.
Each night I have a habit of praying and whether or not there are beings beyond the living, I have faith that the Heavens, ancestors and Dad can hear my plead for their blessings for right now other than my family’s good health, my bebe is the most important person in the world to me. I love her sincerely and although we may fall and stumble many times, my love for her will never die, just like the love for my dearly departed father and ancestors before him – for today, our family is in good health, reasonably well-off and have an upright status within society because of what they have done and what they have left us.
Today, this will be my only post on this blog and I will cease to reply to any pending, existing or coming comments/entries until tomorrow as I dedicate these hours of silence to my father.
Yes, lack of attentiveness due to sleepiness or concentration is the same/worse than drunk-driving. Driving Under the Influence usually lowers reaction time of the driver and thus, making a driver more prone to mistakes while operating a vehicle. Likewise, being sleepy or not concentrating on the task at hand i.e, driving – one is also equally or if not at greater risk than someone who is affected by drugs/alcohol. It isn’t like I “didn’t know this” or this was some stark revelation, but is also the first time I’ve ever felt affected by it.
As my previous blog entry stated, I’m in bad shape today because of something that has affected my mood and sleeping ability for the past night. Although I slept last night, it was not the usual great slumber I get and even towards the morning, I woke up every 10-15 minutes. I’m one of those people that under normal circumstances, once my head hits the pillow I’m out cold and don’t wake up until the moment my alarm clock rings. There have been plenty of times I have stayed up late but have not suffered from the same consequences, so it isn’t a matter of just that I did not sleep at regular hours or get enough time, since in all reality, I still got 7 hours which is a relatively healthy amount of rest per day. Nevertheless, with my mind and heart unsettled, it is hard for me to actually absorb the sleep and allow my body to be at full potential in the morning.
I knew I was tired since the morning, having driven to a client’s house and on the way back I noticed myself yawning, but surely, the bright sun outside allowed me to stay awake. I acknowledged that I was tired, but I just didn’t expect I was as drained as I thought. Because I consider myself a fairly conscientious driver, I’ve always avoided driving when I know I’m not “fit” for it, particularly if I’m in a bad mood or can’t concentrate properly – because driving is a privilege and it’s necessary to respect not only your own life, but the life of others on the road as your actions may have devastating consequences. Today, unlike the usual me, I ignored my body’s need to rest and recover from anxiety and over-thinking. My heart has been out-of-whack today, digestive system in an unknown state and concentration is like me staring out into space. It’s kind of like a drunk driver, ‘knowing’ that he/she is drunk, yet believing that they are still in the condition to drive. (Not that I have ever been drunk and driven before, so these are just assumptions of their perception)
On the way out to Scarborough after picking up my mom at home, there was a major traffic jam which lead to a lot of people hard-braking to prevent collision. I managed to stop last-minute, narrowly avoiding slamming into the vehicle in front of me. I’m one of those drivers who “look far ahead” and I consider myself pretty good at predicting my speeds to prevent the need for gassing quickly/braking hard. When my car stopped just maybe a car length away from the vehicle in front of me, my mom questioned me as to why it took me so long, because she’s used to me being able to stop ‘comfortably’ without slamming on the brakes. She could tell I was not fully concentrating and began to worry. I too began to worry, since we were already half-way there and neither turning back or proceeding ahead would have made much difference. We arrived safely at our relatives house nevertheless, with much blessings received.
On the way back, another completely visible slow-down ahead and I could barely react. There’s just too much on my mind or perhaps, it was maybe because my mind was empty, empty of the fact that I’m even driving to begin with. Again, I stopped the car with a hard-brake, but also had to keep a close eye on the vehicle behind me whether they could stop in time or I had to react-otherwise just to prevent someone who could not stop in time behind me. We arrived safely at home, but my mom could tell that today was definitely not a day where I should have been driving and in fact, she yelled at me for being so inattentive today, despite my normal tendency to be a very cautious and by-the-books driver.
As the car was coming to a stop, I kind of felt glorified in just not holding down the brakes and just letting it ride. Perhaps on-impact I would just fly through the windshield, end up in opposite traffic and get run over, a quick and preferably painless death. However, I could not be selfish, my mom was in the car with me and it is no desire of hers to die. Sometimes I can be quite morbid in the way I think whether I feel like life is not worth living and yes, when it comes to a life where bebe’s love for me is in question, I do think whether or not my existence will bring me happiness. Interestingly, I’m afraid of dying, I’ve had horrible dreams about dying and that death is something I wish I could forever avoid. While we do know that is not possible, why is it now that I actually feel it is RELIEVING to do so? I think of a life, without bebe, how could I possibly do without her? Why is it that despite so much pain I’m causing her, I insist that she continues to try? I do believe love does conquer all and that the pain she suffers now from forcing herself to be with me, will pay off and that she will feel that all she put into making this relationship work, was worth it. I know that “in the moment” – we can both think that this is nuts we would even push ourselves to a future that we cannot yet see or believe-fully in, however, we should also both know that there is an infinite amount of satisfaction to accomplishing this, even if what we feel now is suffering, confusion, stress, anger, annoyance, dissatisfaction and self-blame. Love has proven from centuries to centuries, that it is the one sole thing in this world that if anything, is capable of invoking the greatest changes that a person could ever think they would be capable of enduring.
It’s hard to persuade someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell a person who’s dying of cancer that there “it is possible that you will beat it!” and it’s the same thing for me to tell bebe that this relationship will work out as long as we believe in it. A person’s belief that something good will come out of an immediate and horribly poor situation will give them the power to push through. Each time I falter or each time bebe questions me as to where this is headed and where I feel it may truly be heading nowhere, I also deep down believe in our fate together forever and thus, giving me the power to face adversity. There were things that I once thought whether I would actually do for bebe and as I grow to love her more each day, I realize that there is little extent I would not go to help this relationship grow and flourish.
I know that it was my fault for triggering the onset of events that caused bebe to be less-than-happy with me and that the stress got to her. The day was going fine until I tried to over-extend it and push her comfort level, nevertheless, I still think despite both of us trying to keep our heads above the water and concentrate on all good that will come from this, we also don’t dismiss the reality that failure is a possibility. However, it is with our hopes and determination which will bring us along the way. When something goes wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming ourselves for our shortcomings, we should see it as an extra hurdle and challenge to reach the other side of happiness.
Let’s leave off the night with:
Where there is hope, there is life. Because, when someone loses hope in life, it (life) has no meaning left for him/her. With hope, one can live and aspire to have good things in life. So, one should never lose hope and enjoy the beautiful gift of life in the best possible way ! – Ravi
In order for me to continue making the best out of my life and to make it have meaning, I will continue to hope and seek happiness for the girl of my dreams, my bebe and that I can aspire to be a better person, whom someone she can love and be at-ease with. Whether that is in a month, a year or 10 years from now, I will not look back and feel my effort has been wasted, despite the outcome, because whether we pass or fail with each other, at least the time I spent doing it was something that gave me hope, happiness and the meaning of life.
Today, my 2nd of 3 cousins have left and I’m in the final stretch of my vacation with only 7 days to go. In 5 more days, my last cousin will leave and 2 days afterward, it will be my turn to depart. It seems like on every vacation, I always end up being the last one to leave and thus, I have to see everyone go before me. This is kind of a morbid comparison to the elderly who live long, but have to see all their family and friends go before them, LOL. I have to be the one to watch tears and muffled voices every time since I’m the last to return home. Although I have learned to control my emotions a lot better within the past few years, usually by the time I return home to Ontario, there’s a good period of post-holiday depression – making me wonder whether it’s a good idea to even go on vacation in the first place 😛
This vacation has been fairly ordinary with my family and it’s not to downplay my enjoyment of my family-time and Hong Kong, but I definitely feel the fact bebe came to HK to spend a few days of me has been the highlight of this trip. As I’m flipping through my many digital pictures on my computer, I smile and feel so warm seeing those short, but beautiful days bebe and I had together. I am very grateful to her aunt and uncle who so generously gave her a place to stay and it being particularly important factor whether bebe would come to HK at all. I certainly hope they will come to Ontario one day where I can return the favour. They can certainly rest assured as well that I will do my best to take care of bebe in the future and treat her well.
I’m at over a thousand pictures already and have no consolidated pictures taken on other cameras yet. I am quite satisfied with the numbers of products I have been able to test this trip and have taken pictures and written down notes for my review(s). Perhaps on my next trip, there will be newer products or a chance for me to tackle the more “optional” ones. By the next trip, I hope to visit Taiwan, Beijing and if bebe is available as well, I’d love to visit Malaysia. I hope by then we will also be on better terms and on the road to a flourishing/successful relationship.
Today has been a sad day for one of my cousins on my mom’s side. We met her for dinner tonight as she will be leaving on vacation and won’t be back until the night before we leave (which means she won’t have time to catch us), but I found her in a very sour mood today. As we sat down at the restaurant, she didn’t say much and just watched one of the series that was playing on TV. It was a firefighter series, so this episode, one of the “scenarios” was of a girl trying to commit suicide. After a minute of watching that scenario, she ran out of the restaurant crying and I was thinking to myself, “How shit, the series wasn’t THAT depressing/emotional was it?” Then I held her as she cried and only after the crying/sobbing was over, that I found out just this morning, one of her friends had committed suicide.
Hearing about something like this happen is quite tragic and unfortunate. This particularly hit home because this person died because of love. It isn’t “uncommon” per se to hear about this, but just the other day bebe and I had a conversation about this when I was telling her how serious I felt about her. I’m honestly not sure how rational of a person I am, I mean, when bebe was ignoring me and stuff, I felt like I wanted to die. I’m not going to debate the merits of suicide and whether killing yourself over love is a particularly smart thing to do, but honestly, it is not that I have not thought about it before. The feeling of relationship problems are crushing and even I mentioned to bebe that I would actually feel hurt enough to kill myself if we lost our relationship. Now suffice to say feeling something is different than actually carrying it out. Nevertheless, I was trying to convey to her that my feelings for her are real and strong, that she is certainly is as important as life itself.
Some might feel that killing oneself for the sake of love is foolish, but anyone who has ever been hurt by love know the pain of it. The thought of this was just very interesting given that I had just talked about this a week ago with bebe and how I’m serious about her, not just playing around and that I’d likely contemplate (or have contemplated) killing myself before over her. When you love someone deep enough, it just seems like you can’t imagine the world without them. As I recall from stories of my parent’s past, my dad said the same thing to my mom when they were courting. I think it’s a sure sign of true love when the feelings are so strong that one’s life can be compared with a want of a loved-one. When I sit here and think about how lucky I am and thanks to bebe’s persistence that we were able to meet in HK, I truly feel blessed.
The only thing in the past few years that have made leaving more bearable is the fact I’m returning more often than before. Knowing that I plan to return to home to see my family and friends here every 2 years makes it much easier to leave with a smile and not sorrow. I used to cry every time someone left or I left, but now that I have the financial capacity to return on a regular basis softens the blow. Making small trips here and there or having family/friends come visit me back in Ontario also really helps curb that feeling of loneliness and being far away and heck, the internet with VoIP and Webcam has brought people 20,000 km’s away stay connected and feeling close. Whenever I want to see my cousins or family, I just smack on the webcam, stick on the headset and I feel like I’m sitting right next to them!
It sucks that in a few days, I’ll have to leave the comfort behind, but I think I’ve been spoiled for long enough already! I need to head back to Ontario where my life is normalized and where I’m not spoiled out of my mind by the ease of things being available at my beckon. I find I cherish my family, friends and locations much more when I don’t overdo it. Seeing people one-too-many times lessens the excitement and staying in Hong Kong for a bit too long dries out the “hype” of being here, so the best things in life comes in small, yet enjoyable quantities 😀
I usually try not to go too crazy when it comes to reposting blogs since I try to make sure all the content of my blog is original and personal, but every once in a while I’m feeling lazy, demotivated or simply because I’ve found something worth putting up on my own blog of someone else’s work! I have found two that I found really meant something to me worth putting up:
via ( ‘ , ^ )
I liked that post because it really delved into several subjects I often contemplate, humanity, psychological reflections, personal growth, family/friends, feelings/emotions, strengths/weaknesses and self-worth.
The second had lots of great pictures which I cut out but the bottom of the post had some great paragraphs written…
Listen to me very carefully… take more pictures! Take them when you’re lazy, take them when you’re excited, take them even with ppl beginning to roll their eyes at you. The hell with them! You are creating memories dammit. Make it a priority to take pictures of things, places, people, and of course, yourself! You are only young once and they are there as proof to your grandchildren that, yes, grammy was once young and dashing! Pictures provide a great storybook for your lives and the collecting of memories on film/laptop/monitor/fb is truly priceless.
I’ve never regret taking more pictures!
And for once in your life, take some professional/glamour type pictures! Like I said, the more proof you have for your grandchildren- the better!
She had a lot of pictures (what a beautiful girl I should mention – go check her out!) which was what caught my eye (lol what? I’m a guy…), but then I also read the quote as stated above. It suddenly hit home that I ought to take pictures more. I get really self-conscience about taking pictures of me or even when I like to snap a shot of a nice scenery and people give me weird looks. I mean, I love taking pictures of important people like bebe, LOL – and I’d easily expend my entire memory card full of space if I had to for her, hahaha. I think bebe and I ought to take some nice pictures like Jen and her husband have in the future.
Creating moments… yes that is exactly something worthwhile to cherish. Whether short or long, permanent or temporary, every moment is worth remembering for all it brings us. One day we will all sit there and wonder and think back about how life was years ago and pictures capture and allows one to relive those moments. I love doing glamour shots… that is as long as I’m not the one in them, heh, except for at my own wedding of course, that’ll be awesome and I’ll take plenty of pictures with her 😆 I can’t say I’m a pro with my camera, but I can definitely pull of some nice shots like Jen did! I want to be able to tell our kids, “This is what mommy and daddy looked like when we first started dating.” – LOL – awwww… such a cute moment.
So anyways, I’m going to try to feel motivated to make a period-post or something soon… Just really staring at the calendar thinking about how sad it’s going to be when bebe leaves back home. I should also mention that the same day she is leaving (minus time difference) is also the same day my grandfather is scheduled to have his funeral precession – can you say what the fuck? Two horrible things happening on the same god damn day. First bebe pops the news that she’s going home on me ON THE SAME DAY that my grandfather passed away and then on the same day bebe’s departing from Canada is also my grandfather’s funeral day… like really, my life is so worthless right now – anyone want to trade? How could 2 separate but like-incidences happen twice-over like that? 😥
I should automatically win honours at the FML (Fuck My Life) website… I think I’m going to book a sick-day off on the day she leaves because I’ll be at home puking and crying – ya, that’s a totally valid sick-day reason… I’m not sure I could ever handle doing airport duties with her, I’d probably pass-out at the gates or something. Thanks love for ruining my life. So far, 4 nights of nightmares already.. ASS SCARY nightmares, the ones where you wake up with your heart racing and scared shitless as if it was real. I’m worrying too much about bebe and also Ghost Festival (盂蘭節) is coming up which I always seem to be attuned to whenever I’m stressed-out over things and become restless and get nightmares a lot easier. I always ask myself, why does shit like this happen to me? What have I done so seriously wrong? It’s not as if I’ve killed someone or something… although I might start doing that if things are going so messed up in my life anyways it won’t make any difference if I do!
I posed a few people the question, “If doing good things has no reward and doing bad things has no consequence, which would you prefer?” .. struck a lot of people and they were speechless. Yes, that is just what I thought.
And some smart-ass friend of mine today said, “[my name] – you seem really unhappy lately…” and in all reality, he already knew that and he just felt like reminding me of my recent unhappiness over things, I decided to reply, “Gee smart one, where’d you get that fucking clue?” and laughed mockingly. Oh…. how I can be so unfriendly and nasty to people when I’m not in a good mood – shame.
Two things that made me happy today:
1) Played with some little kids today while I was out, they were very cute!
2) Helped two elderly couple and thought to myself, I hope that’s like bebe and I one day – “white hair until old” (Chinese expression) and that we’ll still be loving hand-in-hand walking down the street.
Yes, life’s happiness can just be as simple for me – I am not hard to satisfy.
Things usually happens in waves… waves of good things happen and waves of bad things happen. Now to come to think of when the last time good things happen was a long time ago. Just yesterday my maternal grandfather passed away leaving me with a total of 0/4 surviving grandparents, then today, bebe tells me that she’s going back home to Malaysia for 6 months.. yes, half-a-fucking year. Now I’m not blaming this on her as she deserves to see her family and friends after years of grueling university work in Canada, but it’s just tough on me – bad things continuously happen. One could imagine given so much stress how can I not be unhealthy and losing hair. This year…. way too many deaths and way too many things for me to deal with and now, the girl who I love will be on the opposite side of the world.
After she let me know, I told myself I am absolutely defiant on not searching for another girl and waiting for her to come back. It’s not to say if another girl were to appear in my life and something sparked that I would not even consider it, but I will definitely NOT go out of my way to go “looking” for the perfect girl when I’ve already found her. I think a few of my friends think I’m crazy on how much patience I have. 6 months, 2 months, 6 months – my life is being burned and wasted just like that… but how can I personally feel it’s a waste when she matters so much to me? I have invested over a year’s time in trying to win her love, what is wrong with me? Can’t she just care about me for who I am? Nevertheless, the one thing about being an ox (Chinese zodiac) is that I’m stubborn and persistent, I will fight this battle to the very end, I’m not letting obstacles bring me down!
I hope she really does come back and starts a career here… she’s going back to relax as a vacation and do some work, hopefully she won’t get too attached to her job there and/or find another guy… I’m such a little worrier. She’s taking years off my life, lol – gives me way too many things to fret over, haha. Gotta keep those damn Malaysian guys away from her! Now to come up with some kind of plan…. hrm… 😆
Anyways, life sucks right now… or maybe it always has and I just wanted to believe there were moments of it I was truly happy… probably can only recollect the time I spent with her as being the “happier” of my days.
Got an interesting “analysis” from one of my regular readers here about me concerning my ideals of a girl in a relationship – rather interesting, some areas are more accurate than others 😛
Luck is not on your side and I dun think you will like to met someone like that as their brains do not have stuff that you can talk bout….. Anyways, to me, you are those type of guys that love to make decisions for us gals to show your mascunality BUT at the same time, you dun like gals to depend on you on every single thing… Am I right o wrong? dilemma huh…. XD
but, cant you see how 矛盾 you are when you are saying me wrong?
I still stand to my own point… You wan someone who can obey you and yet you wan her to have her own thinking… (and not the very smart kind as you said… )
Face the reality…. you are attract to someone who is independent and does not listen to you all the while…..
You are from a traditonal thiking type of family but, try to look at another angle of the world….. traditional doesnt mean all…. it’s just a concept in your mind and you need to change and change and change when you are growing up….
It’s the same as you wan your parents to think like you when you are growing older and you will be getting frustrated when their mindset are still focusing on their teenage time when they are thiking that we should be like this and like that and when they were young, how they behave and why shouldnt we do so….. etc…..
Open your heart and mind…… ^^
Interesting in how people over the internet perceive me 😛