What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…
You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….
So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”
Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?
I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.
Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.
My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.
I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.
It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.
I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.
These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.
Because I love her.
I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?
Blah – I want to eat.
Today, there’s a lot to be happy about….. actually, just being alive is a blessing everyday, one that many of us, take for granted. When we’re alive, we have just as much to moan about as we do worrying about dying. Those who are enlightened enough not to fear death are truly the ones who live to the fullest extent. With that said, these are one of the less happier days even though there is so much cause for happiness.
Waking up in the morning today, I felt tired as usual, much due to the fallout of Thursday last week. From then to today, my sleeps have not been as energizing as they once were. I do not wake up each day with a sense of strength each day but instead, another day of fear… fear of the negativity surrounding our relationship, fear that she will do something hasty, fear that I cannot control myself and fear that if I keep stressing over things, I’ll end up causing myself to get cancer or something. The #1 cancer-causing agent in the body, is stress and I have plenty of it.
I remember the days where my Mom and Dad would be in the living room or in the car where they’d retell their love story. My dad would always leave out one part of the story, but which my mom had to dutifully fill in. My maternal grandmother at the time, disliked my father. Although my mom and dad played very much “by the rules” – picked her up, had her back home on time and safely, made sure to bring gifts when visiting, my dad was not very well liked. Remembering when my dad proposed the idea of marrying my mother to my maternal grandmother, she initially was against it. However, we all know the power of love and that the fact both my mom and dad was going to do it whether it was consented or not. However, my dad once did say to my grandmother that he would kill himself if she did not let him marry my mother.
I always thought to myself, what foolish man would suicide over a lover. Today, the 2nd time of relationship despair, I wondered if what my father said is not so crazy anymore. No, I am not suicidal and I’m not about to jump off a building, there’s still rationality within me. Nevertheless, I can fully understand what it feels like to be hurt so deeply by relationship that one would consider life not worth living. It was only a month or two ago that her and I began to talk again and already, we have stepped backward. For all the progress we made, she has reverted to hiding in her little cubby hole. I am frustrated to no end and I’m not sure hitting the boxing bag really gets the anger out of me anymore. Firing 80 shots repeatedly until my fingers hurt don’t seem to give me that stress relief. Even if someone were to cut me off and I went road-rage on them and killed them, I would still not feel satisfied. I am in a deep state of wondering how one human could inflict so much damage on another one, including the damage that has been done to me. Why should I not hurt others when it is so rightful for someone else to do the same to me? Yes, this is completely irrational and I’m sure by the time I finish this post, this will no longer apply.
After work, I drove to the top of the mountain today and screamed as loud as I could and that gave my mind time to wind down. I hate the world right now, I hate the idea that there is a God because if there is an his intention was for humans to suffer, he’s got that right. I am suffering in deep misery right now and it has made me question whether life is really as grand as we all make it out to be. Is it so fun that I have to be ignored by a girl who I deeply care about, is that what my life is supposed to be? Tell me oh-God-of-infinite-wisdom why I was born, why was I not one of the lucky ones who never learned to feel pain and just have died when I was born (or even before)? Although I am not suicidal, I would be lying if I told people that killing myself to rid me of these relationship pains have not crossed my mind at one point. I always watched those TVB series where people would stand on top of a mountain or beach and just scream until they could scream no more. I thought one would have to be crazy to believe that brings relief… but it does.
Rewind a bit was my slightly happy moment when I got to work and opened my office door… there she was in all her glory, the XFX Radeon HD 5870 I’ve been waiting for, sitting on my desk – put there by my boss! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been drooling for days and I think had it not been for all my relationship troubles the past few days, I would have been a bit more excited. I did thank my boss for such a wonderful gift, but I wish I was in a better mood to really feel the moment of happiness. No, it is not possible… it is consumed by the overwhelming desire that I wanted to throw to box out the window because all these materialistic things that we think bring us happiness truly don’t. What is this… this item mean to me, when I don’t even deserve to be spoken to by my girlfriend? I spent most of my day staring at my monitor as that’s all I could bear to concentrate on.
My happy moment of the day was when one of my coworkers caught my less-than-cheery mood. We closed the door and she sat in my office for an hour and we talked and I poured my heart out to her. I think by the end, she looked like she could cry too from being so touched at all the things I had to say. She’s a young and beautiful woman who has gone through a divorce and has finally found out the realities of a relationship. She said that when people are young, their goals in a relationship is much different than between two matured individuals. What you look for is more practical than through the fairy tale dreams. She said she wouldn’t’ have it “any other way” to her current relationship where her husband is 10 years older, the total opposite of her and where they get into long and heated arguments… but at the end of the day, they’re proud parents to two lovely kids and a loving marriage. She brought into perspectives the reality of two individuals forming a family and that what people expect of each other is much different than every little girl’s dream of being whisked away to the “Happily Ever After” world.
She does not deny that the chemistry and dynamics are what uphold her and her husband’s relationship, even though they have very differing views. Likewise, I apply it to my own relationship such that there is an irrefutable amount of chemistry, albeit the disagreements and arguing. At the end of the day, I can vent as much as possible through my blog, to friends or to the sorry punching bag that has to deal with my rage, but I care about her very much and she simply is the way she is. She inspired me to think about whether my relationship with my girlfriend is simply out of lustful desire or true compassion and understanding. I felt empowered after chatting with her, because through the past 5 days of me being brushed aside once again, she’s reawaken my powers to carry on. It is not easy and those who have fought tooth-and-nail for your significant other can relate to my pain. Some relationships comes together easily and some come together with a FUCK LOAD of work – but both have a common ground – to love and care for one another ’til death do them part.
I for one, have decided I will not quit although I have thought about it. My coworker shared many of the advice that many of my concerned readers gave me – commitment and patience. Words make it sound easy, but after going through 6 months prior to this of being cast aside, I could tell them anxiety, pain and DAILY mind-fuck that she has caused. There is a Chinese saying, “食唔安, 坐唔落” (Can not eat peacefully, can not sit peacefully) and imagine going through that for half a year, while still trying to go about daily-life and you can feel just a morsel of my pain. And now you wonder why I feel life is not worth living? I breathe in hard though, her words were clear to me… “Do not give up.” … and I shall not! Perhaps in a way, I am mad at myself for over-spoiling her and allowing her to think it’s right to treat me like this.. but no amount of blame ever softens the pain that the heart feels. Every day is a living hell until we can speak normally to each other again… when that will be, I don’t know… I do not wish to act hastily and I want to wait until a time of her choosing, but I will not stand idly by either.
It is almost laughable that in a way, I’m glad my workplace has a comprehensive medical coverage policy. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad of an idea, not because I have a psychological disorder, but just someone to listen to me talk. There’s only a few of my friends who I involve in my relationship ups/downs and they are certainly not always available. Perhaps a bit of encouragement, motivation and giving me back a sense of self-worth as a human-being with feelings is what I need from a doctor, haha. Suffice to say, I don’t need a psychiatrist… all I need is my family and her, that is all I ask. In a way, I find it freaky that I feel more PAINED over this than I do with the deathly absence of my father. Although I miss him greatly, I feel rather guilty that she can bring so much more pain than the death of my own dad.
I tell myself not to give up, not to think too much, go about my daily life normally, not to take my anger out on others because they don’t deserve it and a bunch of other “positive motivators” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to endure this a day at a time and quite frankly, I actually realized why it is so easy to want to take the easy-way-out. I think after all this, I ought to work at one of the kids help hotlines because I have gone through all this. It suddenly dawned upon me why (as invalid as it may seem) kids would ever want to do self-inflicted injuries. Today when I sat there looking out my window, I wanted to punch it so I could feel the pain of hurting myself. I wondered what idiot (yes, me) would actually consider doing that? I remember one of my friends who went kind of nutty one time told me that because he was so depressed that he’d often enjoy cutting himself, smashing himself in the face or jumping off high places and I thought it was weird that anyone would WANT to feel pain… and now I realize, when you go through emotional pain, that physical pain seems like a walk in the park. I never quite understood why I hear about people who willingly hurt themselves and now I understand.
I suppose many of those people who end up on those hotlines are those who have suffered it first-hand before. It takes someone who’s really been there to know how these feelings feel. It is not something that can be taught in school or described in a seminar, one must feel and have experienced it to know the damage that distraught can cause. This isn’t even close to a scenario of a 1-day argument, this is long-term damage that will take a long time, if ever, to mend. Although at some point or another we will begin to talk again, in the back of my mind, I wonder if she’ll revert to the same state like this now. How many times will she do this to me? What will it take to stop her from doing this? Does she need to learn? What influences her to make such rash decisions like this? Is there someone influencing her and talking bad things about me? How can I help her so that her obligations to other things don’t affect us? We all have obligations, I need to go to work, but doesn’t mean I can’t balance her in my life. She has school, but it doesn’t mean she can’t balance me either… she just chooses not to, i.e ignoring me and then the second some other obligations comes up, then I’m just a piece that gets “set aside for later”. It is frustrating that I’m even starting to view myself as being so insignificant that something like watching a movie, playing a game or talking to her friends has more value than I do. I truly hope she will not play the ignoring-game as long as she did last time. I was once such a self-confident person… what has happened to me….?
The only thing that made me smile for longer than 5 seconds today were these pictures I caught in my front yard…. I’m not a photographer by the way, so I’m not asking you to share your mind with how crappy my pictures are. If you do, expect shit thrown back in your face. The pictures are clickable for full-resolution and I think they’re worth seeing in full-size at how beautiful the bird is…. much more beautiful than my current mood no doubt.
I wish I could be as carefree (and I don’t mean the pantiliner) as this bird… Now if you’ll excuse me from my blog, perhaps I will resume crying as I have been previously… Ya, I’m not the big macho-man. I want her in my arms right now… everything will be perfect then….
OMG, I want to die right now, the pain is unbearable >.> You know Muay Thai right? Kick me in the nuts, I doubt that’d hurt as much compared to my current pain. Shoot me, you can keep my gun afterward >_< Gahhhh… hope you come online tomorrow, I need someone to talk to 😦 – someone who understands what I’m going through. Do I even have any dignity left as a person, as a man? Do I even stand on my own two-feet anymore or do I bow down like a stupid little boy? Period pains are for wusses compared to emotional agony, fuck period pains.
I’ll show you emo that it puts YOUR emo to shame! Maybe I should start with those black eyeshadow and clothing… oh har-har.
Aiiizzz…. Life…. I’m telling you it feels like 求生不得, 求死不能…
Good thing I decided to take tomorrow off from work – I’m really not in the mood.. at least I get to eat buffet and shove food down my throat to make the misery go away. I still have 6 days off, mind as well do something with them. A nuclear disaster that killed me right now would probably be more satisfying.
I feel like a worthless piece of shit who can’t even keep a girl happy. Do I, even deserve to be human? I am a terrible person. For the past year, I’ve taken a lot of time, spent a lot of money maintaining my hair for the sake of a girl… it isn’t like I’m going bald or anything, but certainly, I didn’t have as much hair as before. The girl told me it was important for her that I have hair, so I commit myself to the daily tortures of how I have to deal with it – all for the sake of her. If anything, the stress she puts me through sometimes is the factor of me probably losing my hair. Oh how life treats me so fairly…. the same person who wants me to be whole is the one ripping me to shreds, HAHAHA.. the irony of it all. Well at least as I’m typing this, my friend who I talked about before is online, so yay, at least she will make me smile before I go to sleep!
Night people… sorry, no “good” in front of it today.