Ah, today’s just one-of-those days. It’s just 8ish right now and I’m already laid down in my bed and rolling around. The weather has been great today and right now, it’s a beautiful scenery out my window. I stepped outside, just to capture a few great shots. Other than being head-over-heels for my girlfriend, the next thing I’m in love with is my new camera. Yes, I’m hardly adept at taking great photos, but sometimes I see photography like art. As long as I’m happy with the shots taken and they’re expressive of my own feelings, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s praised to appreciated by others. I guess I’m rolling around because I’m feeling kinda down today. I haven’t checked the calendar, has it been a month since I’ve been emo? LOL.
Every once in a while, I’m just hit with this pang of sadness. It never was like this for the few months that bebe and I had regular contact. I feel so lost in this world without her, like I’m wandering aimlessly until she’s ready to pick me up again. It’s like this thick fog that sometimes clears up but at times thickens so much that you just want to scream but no one will hear you or see you. You wish that others could help you, but when you’re lost in fog, there is little that anyone else can do for you. You can wander and wander, only hoping that you will make it to the end alive.
I know this is quite unhealthy, no one should be subjected to pains from relationships like this, but that’s a moot point. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship before, will know how I feel. There is a saying that a person who falls and gets up is not a fool, but one who falls and stays down is a fool for life. I believe in that, I believe that only someone who has no goal, no direction and no willpower in life can never achieve success. I am heartfelt that I can achieve this goal, not only to fall in love, but to cause someone to fall in love with me. I admit that there are times when I have thought of things, things that maybe dark and sinister to think and do – things that I dare not admit to anyone. I know the games she tries to play, but yet, I refuse to let these games push me over the edge. I vent them here, because it is an output for it, because I’m not going to let her get to me that easily, even if she does all these destructive things to my mind, heart and soul. She wants me to crack, she wants to prove to herself that I am ‘not worthy’ – but I will climb this hill, and prove to her I am worth it – because we both know better.
Albeit my nasty thoughts when I’m feeling angry, I think clearly, there is a Chinese saying that, “You may be able to stay a person’s heart, but cannot stay their body” and it is true – and I would not consider doing anything dramatic or over-the-top because I want not only want her to stay with me, but have her heart stay with me as well. What if I do something, that forces her to be here, but when her heart is elsewhere or is against her will? Logically, the only right way to win love, is to win the person as a whole. Sometimes I am a foolish little boy, I will think of things to do, perhaps very nasty things, that may in the end, have results – but not the correct results. That, I certainly want to avoid. There is a side of me that thinks with logical, a side of me that thinks with emotions and another side of me that thinks with anger/vengeance. I hope to god, I never need to tap into the latter, because it is fearful side of me that even scares myself. The only person that has ever seen the latter side of me, is my ex-ex girlfriend, which I admit, was a very unfortunate case and I never want to repeat and draw that side out of me. The more I let her actions get to me, the sadder I feel. I must be positive, towards myself and towards her… because if I’m upset and angry with what she’s doing – OR – speculating negatively about things, it only hurts me. It was about a week ago, that I became to do positive speculations for things she does, because whether they are true or not, they sure as hell make me feel a lot better. In turn, this positivity transcends itself through my actions and feelings towards her. I hum to myself, “I can do it”, “We can do it”, “We will succeed” and “Patience, experience, wisdom and compassion” – if it was not for faith, hope and loyalty – I know I would’ve fallen. Yet today, I stand firm on the ground with my feet and say, “I know I can!”
But onto happier note rather than being all melancholic, is that next Tuesday, my ex-ex and I will be meeting up together. We did get into a little tuffle with each other, because we wanted to meet up for dinner and I didn’t “appear” to be too excited (and in all reality, I was, lol… and still am). We were at each others throat for almost 1/2 hour before we finally realized that things were a misunderstanding on our parts (lol – doesn’t life suck when that happens?).
It has been quite a few years since we’ve seen each other, and it’ll be great to catch up on things and more important – see how much we have changed since our last meet and since we have been together (which goes even farther back, haha – we’re old :lol:). We were together too young and logically, we have went through many changes in our life – which has redefined the people we once were (and are today), resulting in our breakup. As people grow up, focuses shift and things that were important/unimportant to us changes as well. With that said, we are the person we are today as a result of each other – for better, or worse 😀 She is a great girl and I suppose it’s a bit weird for many who generally don’t have much positive things to say about ex’s – but with all but one, I have nothing but great things to say about them.
For years, I used to spend a lot of time “comparing” girls… and truly, it was unfair. My ex-ex girlfriend was the one that really “set the bar” for all other girls. If they “weren’t as good as her, they weren’t worth chasing” – and honestly, there’s not all too many girls in this world who are as awesome as her XD – but she thinks otherwise, lol. Nevertheless, this was really poorly judgement (not of her!!!) on my part, by comparing one girl to another. One cannot have expectations of one girlfriend to another, expecting them to do the same things, act the same way, have the same expectations, or fall for the same romance. Every person is an individual and blindly, it took me a while to see that. I took my ex-ex as a “baseline requirement” for all future girlfriends, except for my current. The reality is our emotions and chemistry is what connects one person to another and sometimes, these expectations, wants and needs are all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. We think we may not fall for someone, only to find ourselves neck-deep-in-the-water. The ways that humans interact and connect on a non-verbal and psychological level boggles the mind and I’m not even going to get into that – lol – I could probably write a 10 page essay on it. I still hang out with most of my ex’s and it’s cool that way. I certainly can’t see my girlfriend being the jealous type (and plus, she’s playing cold shoulders anyways, so I couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to), so I never have to “clear” with her the fact I’m hanging out with them. I draw very clear lines about how I treat my ex’s … and I’ll definitely be nice and gentlemanly to them, but would definitely not go beyond what I’d do/how I’d treat my bebe (after all, she’s my most important girl :D)!
Oh god, I digress (all the time) – we’re going to meet up in Toronto and go have dinner. We haven’t picked a place, but I have to take the train. You cannot imagine, because I’m sure most people who read my blog already have this preconception of me that I’m the “big tough guy” (minus the whole interest in menstruation thing, hahaha) – but I’m soooo chicken when it comes to taking public transportation – especially when it’s outside of my town/city. For some odd reason, I don’t have this same fear/discomfort when I have to take the MTR/KCR (subway/train) in Hong Kong. So I swallowed my pride and saliva a bit and told her I’d take the train out and also, told her how much of a pussy I am (LOL) and if she could pick me up from the main station, haha. To be honest, I hate driving into Toronto because of their traffic and lack-of-parking space. I also know myself well enough that I don’t want to contend with the shitty/overly aggressive drivers there either. I have a temper when it comes to dealing with stupid-people on the road, and I’m sure I’d pull someone out of their car and beat them or shoot them through the windshield – so let’s not do that!
I’m so excited and we haven’t seen each other in ages. Our last meet up a few years ago was… err, let’s just say – a bit weird, because I was still in that phase of “trying to get her back” and I ashamedly say I caused some awkward situations (although she was very understanding about it – and was still ladylike!!), so this one will be more smooth now that I’m already committed to a very special girl, she won’t have to worry about me getting all flirty with her 😀 We’ve grown up so much, that we’re very different and our life has changed tremendously. I hope connecting in person will also help us understand one another more, given that we still get into disagreements sometimes because we just don’t see each others angles. Can you tell I’m really excited? 🙂
Anyways… going to leave it at this, I suppose I’ll go talk to some friends on Skype – they tend to cheer me up or get my mind away from bebe once in a while. I have this really long and boring meeting that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow – so I want to be mentally ready and stable, haha, rather than being grumpy with how I’m being treated right now (for the second time) … even Poh Ching was like, “Wait, she’s doing that to you AGAIN? WTF!” (or “WTFish” – since she doesn’t like to swear), hehe.. what a cutie.
Night night.. and OH – the pictures…
new digital camera!!! 😀
It is so damn sexy, I love it! It is a Nikon Coolpix L110 and these are the spec overview:
Max resolution 4000 x 3000 Low resolution 3968 x 2232, 3264 x 2448, 2592 x 1944, 2048 x 1536, 1024 x 768, 640 x 480 Image ratio w:h 4:3, 16:9 Effective pixels 12.2 million Sensor photo detectors 12.4 million Sensor size 1/2.3 ” (6.16 x 4.62 mm, 0.28 cm²) Pixel density 43 MP/cm² Sensor type CCD Sensor manufacturer Unknown ISO rating Auto, Auto gain ISO 80-800, 80, 100, 200, 400, 800, 1600, (3200, 6400 with boost) Zoom wide 28 mm Zoom tele (T) 420 mm (15 x) Digital zoom Yes, 4x Image stabilization Yes, Sensor-shift Auto Focus TTL Manual Focus Yes Normal focus range 60 cm Macro focus range 1 cm White balance override 5 positions plus manual Aperture range F3.5 – F5.4 Min shutter 8 sec Max shutter 1/2000 sec Built-in Flash Yes, (Pop-Up) Flash range External flash No Flash modes Auto, On, Off, Red-eye, Fill-in, Slow Syncro Exposure compensation -2 to +2 EV in 1/3 EV steps Metering Aperture priority No Shutter priority No Focal length multiplier Lens thread Continuous Drive Yes, 13 fps Movie Clips Yes, 1280 x 720 (HD 30 fps), 640 x 480 (30 fps), 320 x 240 (30 fps) Remote control Yes Self-timer Yes, 3 sec or 10 sec Timelapse recording Unknown Orientation sensor Unknown Storage types SD/SDHC, Internal Storage included 43 MB Internal Uncompressed format No Quality Levels Viewfinder None LCD 3 “ LCD Dots 460,000 Live View No USB USB 2.0 (480Mbit/sec) HDMI Yes Wireless No GPS No Environmentally sealed No Battery 4 x AA batteries (Alkaline, NiMH, or Lithium) Weight (inc. batteries) 406 g (14.3 oz) Dimensions 109 x 74 x 78 mm (4.3 x 2.9 x 3.1 in) Notes Resolution Chart Colour Patches
Of course this isn’t a DSLR, but with the price I got it at, it’s pretty good for the quality you’d expect! I’ve already spent quite a while playing with it and this is supposed to be a “dummy camera”… because I’m no professional photographer. A couple of people I know told me to get a DSLR because it will still of course produce better quality pictures of “Auto” mode, but truly, I cannot justify getting any type of SLR camera unless I fully intend on learning how to use it properly and not simply leaving it on Auto.
I bought it with a coworker of mine because he specializes in photographic technologies, so thought he’d be an excellent person to come to the store with me to pick it out. Also, because he’s a member, I did get a discount and all 😆
The camera so far has been pretty easy to use, not “requiring” me to have to pick up the manual since the on-screen directions already provide ease-of-access. Perhaps having a bit of technology background, I can navigate through the options, understand the symbols and all that fairly easily. Nevertheless, I have lots to learn and will likely not have learned everything by the time I retire this. The reason why I got a new camera was because the one we used for 8 years is finally giving out. Even after putting completely new batteries in, after about 3-4 shots, it says “Low Battery” and shuts off. A couple of times, it was so defective that the camera didn’t even fully retract the lens in during the middle of a shutdown sequence, so now you can tell why I need a new camera. I was hoping to wait until I went to Hong Kong to get it, but wanted to have a nice camera to use before then. There’s a few big events that are coming up within the next while which would be nice to have a decent resolution camera (the old one was only 4MP) and I purposely got this one for the fact it has HD video recording capabilities (for when I want to make my own sex movies… HAHAHA.. just joking :)).
This was no “cheap” camera… it was expensive as shit and it really took me some time to think and take into consideration whether I want to fork out this kind of money. No doubt, my career does not rely on having a camera, therefore I would not buy a $30,000 camera like photographers would… I’m simply a “point-and-shoot” person and perhaps with a few expectations of features. This will really set my wallet back a bit… looks like I’ll have to eat noodles for the next few months to save up my money again 😦 Anyone spare money for the poor please? I was given the choice of BLACK or RED … and because I found the black to be more of a matte black rather than a metallic red, I chose this one. Heck, so many people have standard black cameras, I thought it’d stand out a bit with my sexy red 😀
Since I had it at work with me, I decided to take a few pictures of my office. These are not the original as obviously I’ve done some compression and down-sizing to accommodate my upload, but I was completely satisfied with the quality the shots produced compared to my old camera, haha.. for obvious reasons.
I’ve used a “medium” sized setting for the display picture and you’re welcome to click on it to get a larger resolution picture. I just didn’t want to eat up everyone’s bandwidth and make my blog a slow-loader 🙂
Now… back to playing with my camera! Hope you guys had an awesome day.