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Very Short Bitching

Things usually happens in waves… waves of good things happen and waves of bad things happen. Now to come to think of when the last time good things happen was a long time ago. Just yesterday my maternal grandfather passed away leaving me with a total of 0/4 surviving grandparents, then today, bebe tells me that she’s going back home to Malaysia for 6 months.. yes, half-a-fucking year. Now I’m not blaming this on her as she deserves to see her family and friends after years of grueling university work in Canada, but it’s just tough on me – bad things continuously happen. One could imagine given so much stress how can I not be unhealthy and losing hair. This year…. way too many deaths and way too many things for me to deal with and now, the girl who I love will be on the opposite side of the world.

After she let me know, I told myself I am absolutely defiant on not searching for another girl and waiting for her to come back. It’s not to say if another girl were to appear in my life and something sparked that I would not even consider it, but I will definitely NOT go out of my way to go “looking” for the perfect girl when I’ve already found her. I think a few of my friends think I’m crazy on how much patience I have. 6 months, 2 months, 6 months – my life is being burned and wasted just like that… but how can I personally feel it’s a waste when she matters so much to me? I have invested over a year’s time in trying to win her love, what is wrong with me? Can’t she just care about me for who I am? Nevertheless, the one thing about being an ox (Chinese zodiac) is that I’m stubborn and persistent, I will fight this battle to the very end, I’m not letting obstacles bring me down!

I hope she really does come back and starts a career here… she’s going back to relax as a vacation and do some work, hopefully she won’t get too attached to her job there and/or find another guy… I’m such a little worrier. She’s taking years off my life, lol – gives me way too many things to fret over, haha. Gotta keep those damn Malaysian guys away from her! Now to come up with some kind of plan…. hrm… 😆

Anyways, life sucks right now… or maybe it always has and I just wanted to believe there were moments of it I was truly happy… probably can only recollect the time I spent with her as being the “happier” of my days.

Got an interesting “analysis” from one of my regular readers here about me concerning my ideals of a girl in a relationship – rather interesting, some areas are more accurate than others 😛

By: Sophia

Luck is not on your side and I dun think you will like to met someone like that as their brains do not have stuff that you can talk bout….. Anyways, to me, you are those type of guys that love to make decisions for us gals to show your mascunality BUT at the same time, you dun like gals to depend on you on every single thing… Am I right o wrong? dilemma huh…. XD

but, cant you see how 矛盾 you are when you are saying me wrong?
I still stand to my own point… You wan someone who can obey you and yet you wan her to have her own thinking… (and not the very smart kind as you said… )
Face the reality…. you are attract to someone who is independent and does not listen to you all the while…..
You are from a traditonal thiking type of family but, try to look at another angle of the world….. traditional doesnt mean all…. it’s just a concept in your mind and you need to change and change and change when you are growing up….
It’s the same as you wan your parents to think like you when you are growing older and you will be getting frustrated when their mindset are still focusing on their teenage time when they are thiking that we should be like this and like that and when they were young, how they behave and why shouldnt we do so….. etc…..
Open your heart and mind…… ^^

Interesting in how people over the internet perceive me 😛

愛。情。

暑假,本應是一個令人沉醉於夏日戀愛的季節。
但可惜,周邊的感情煩惱卻接踵而來。
背後有不同的愛情故事,由熱戀到感情轉淡,或者第三者出現,
這沒有對錯。

結束,開始
開始,結束
人生就是這樣來來往往,源源不絕,永無休止。
學會了放手,自然就學會復原。
給自己一點時間,一點空間
想一想,想一下獨立的生活。

在戀愛世界當中,沒有誰對誰錯,
只有適合,不適合。

The following is a complete machine translation by Google Translate and may or may not completely represent the wording and expressions used in the above writing. However, I did it for those who cannot read Chinese characters. I’m not going to bother translating the above text myself only because every person will have a different “take” on what things mean. Think of it as a poem – to some, it means this… and to another, it means that.

Summer, this should be a matter of indulgence in the summer season of love.
Unfortunately, they come one after another around the feelings of annoyance.
Behind a different love story, the love that has waned, or a third party appeared
This is not right or wrong.

The end of the beginning
Start, end
Life is such coming and going, endless, endless.
Learned to let go, learn to recover naturally.
Give yourself time, little space
Think, think about an independent life.

Love the world in which there is no right or wrong
Only suitable and unsuitable.

This was written by my girl-friend Wing last night…. very cute, yet horribly depressing… I suppose this summer, both our lives are empty. She’s actually a very young girl and to compose something as touching and as mature as this makes me smile bittersweet. Apparently age has very little to do with maturity these days… Experiences really do count for something.

I know the period content has been lacking lately and I’m trying to get my head on straight is all. This blog was actually inspired by bebe after a few months of meeting her. The main reason I created this blog (other than the fact of sharing my menstrual-interest) was because I could see hesitation and reluctance in her accepting my interest and love of menstruation. I started this blog, because I wanted to open her eyes to my interest and as a way of letting her know that just because I have learned to appreciate menstruation, that I am just as normal as a regular guy. Loving menstruation doesn’t change the person who I am – if anything, only to better myself with the intention that this knowledge is because I love the female body so much.

My inspirations are wavering right now since she was the heart and soul of this blog. I will most certainly continue it as I have seen many positive feedback from regular readers and dropper-byers alike. Just for now, I think I need time to recover from my mental and psychological distress. I know myself well enough to say that I know when I need my own  “time out” because I can get really snitchy with people when I’m not happy. Better that I have my time alone and to release all my pent up energy before I return “back to the world.”

The Platters – Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

I coincidentally heard this song in a TVB drama I’m watching today… talk about fucking bad timing. Either way, the lyrics are true… the emotions are true.. and yes, the blindness is true as well. Love can be great or love can suck just as much. Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep and perhaps hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. If you think that I’m any less of a man right now for being hurt by love, please feel free to suck my left nut because you’re not good enough for my right.

They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
Oh, I of course replied
Something here inside cannot be denied

They said someday you’ll find
All who love are blind
Oh, when your heart’s on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them and I gaily laughed
To think they could doubt my love
Yet today my love has flown away
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I can not hide
Oh, so I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes
Smoke gets in your eyes

I Want to Eat Right Now…

What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…

You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….

So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”

Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?

I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.

Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.

My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.

I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.

It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.

I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.

Depression
Anger
Hatred
Fear
Hostility
Blame
Regret
Invalidated
Underestimated
Powerless
Suffocated
Abandoned
Insignificant
Rejected
Unloved
Unwanted
Resentment
Grief
Jealousy
Envy
Greed

These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.

Because I love her.

I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?

Blah – I want to eat.

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

Pooohh Chinnngg

OMG, I want to die right now, the pain is unbearable >.> You know Muay Thai right? Kick me in the nuts, I doubt that’d hurt as much compared to my current pain. Shoot me, you can keep my gun afterward >_< Gahhhh… hope you come online tomorrow, I need someone to talk to 😦 – someone who understands what I’m going through. Do I even have any dignity left as a person, as a man? Do I even stand on my own two-feet anymore or do I bow down like a stupid little boy? Period pains are for wusses compared to emotional agony, fuck period pains. cry

I’ll show you emo that it puts YOUR emo to shame! Maybe I should start with those black eyeshadow and clothing… oh har-har.

Aiiizzz…. Life…. I’m telling you it feels like 求生不得, 求死不能…

Good thing I decided to take tomorrow off from work – I’m really not in the mood.. at least I get to eat buffet and shove food down my throat to make the misery go away. I still have 6 days off, mind as well do something with them. A nuclear disaster that killed me right now would probably be more satisfying.

I feel like a worthless piece of shit who can’t even keep a girl happy. Do I, even deserve to be human? I am a terrible person. For the past year, I’ve taken a lot of time, spent a lot of money maintaining my hair for the sake of a girl… it isn’t like I’m going bald or anything, but certainly, I didn’t have as much hair as before. The girl told me it was important for her that I have hair, so I commit myself to the daily tortures of how I have to deal with it – all for the sake of her. If anything, the stress she puts me through sometimes is the factor of me probably losing my hair. Oh how life treats me so fairly…. the same person who wants me to be whole is the one ripping me to shreds, HAHAHA.. the irony of it all. Well at least as I’m typing this, my friend who I talked about before is online, so yay, at least she will make me smile before I go to sleep!

Night people… sorry, no “good” in front of it today.

Emo….

Poh Ching’s just going to love this… I feel emo today for some reason (no I’m not having my period… lol) … I heard a song on the radio as I was driving to work, probably a left over from valentines day and I had to turn Shazam on my phone (it’s a program that recognizes a songs lyrics/tune) and figure out the artist/song name. It grabbed it – go technology! When I got home, I had to listen to it again… it isn’t that I haven’t heard this song a million times before (I’m into oldies, probably due to my Dad listening to them a lot…) but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the song name.

I don’t have much to say tonight because today at work was so busy I didn’t even known how to manage my time. It isn’t really like there was “a lot of work to do” – but rather, I have been so lazy for the past while that getting my ass moving again was hard. Also, I’m feeling a bit sore from Tae Bo which I started yesterday along with my exercise routine so that I can lose some weight. I took some pictures for Chinese New Years and I’m too embarrassed to post them ANYWHERE, because I look so fat and ugly in them. Thus, this is really giving me to the motivation to lose weight and look good again, because believe me, at one point, I attracted a lot of girls – LOL. Actually, even with my fat face there’s something about me girls dig… I’ll get to it another time, something that happened this weekend, haha. I figured if at any time I lose motivation to work out, I’m going to print out my photos of CNY and tack it to my treadmill, TV and all over the house, hahaha.

Today, I feel the sadness kicking in from CNY/V-Day not being able to spend it with my BeBe. Perhaps over the weekend I had so much company that it diluted the pain, but today, it kicked in full throttle…. and listening to the song in the morning made me even sadder. I don’t have much to say today, so I’ll leave you guys with the song that was on the radio… it makes me cry every time I listen to it, especially when I’m having relationship problems.

I find myself singing to this song, because the lyrics really describe how I feel. Sometimes you can’t help but feel attuned to a song. What beautiful lyrics, what happened to all the artists nowadays who can’t come up with songs other than swearing or inaudible words from screaming?

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