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Cold, Hot, Cold — Warm?

Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.

Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.

We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.

We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.

We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.

So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!

With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.

Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…

I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?

On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀

The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.

I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?

Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.

I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.

Friday Night in Heaven

Friday Night HeavenYou know what a Friday more awesome than Friday’s already are? Getting to spend it with the girl you love! Damn tonight was pretty great… and I was totally surprized by bebe sending me a message to see if I could pick her up. I mean, there’s two ways I can see this… 1) she looks for me when she wants something from me, or 2) she wants something from me but would also like to see me. I’m hoping more so #2 is the case rather than #1. I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone, picking her up from her friend’s place in another city, bringing her back and also spending some quality time with her – but I also don’t want to become this “slave” to her bidding – I do want a nice balance of “I’m more than happy to be a nice guy and do things for you, but I’ll expect I get some appreciation from it” and I think that’s a pretty fair expectation. Appreciation can be shown in many forms and tonight, I felt pretty warm inside when I went home.

You know, bebe and I aren’t the typical couple at all… you know, most “new” couples go through the whole attached-at-the-hip stage. I don’t think we’ve really gone through that phase and that’s why I always consider bebe and myself to be living more of a “matured” relationship rather than a new one. When people first get involved, they find themselves not being able to be apart for more than second. The second the person leaves their sight, they want them back. When going home, you just want to tell them, “Aww.. can’t you stay for just a few more minutes PPULLEEASSEE?” – those are the true signs of a ‘new’ relationship! For bebe and I… we can pretty much survive without seeing each other for a while, yet pick up where we left off. And no doubt, I do miss her when I don’t see her for a period of time, but we’re also not exchanging 500 text messages a day or chatting via IM. We are more like the “been together for a while” type of couple – we do our own things, get together ‘if we have time’ and very docile couple.

Inseparable CoupleI suppose one of the few complaints I have about when we get together is that she always makes it seem like I’m more of a bother being in her presence than when I am not. For instance, I was just lying on her bed and I wanted to just rest my eyes because I’ve been so exhausted driving for 3 hours. A bit of understanding and a girl would offer to let you get a few moments of shut-eye for a SAFE drive home. Instead, she tells me I’ve “seen her since 3” and it was 9PM at the time. So I saw her for a total of 6 hours when I haven’t seen her for a week and that is already “too long”… I mean, really, fucking really? When I think of spending dating time, even “once a week” is too little, let alone less than half a day of time spent together is not enough and she’s already complaining about me staying too long. More so of the fact I just wanted to close my eyes just so that I can concentrate on driving home. I would not dare expect she even offer to let me stay the night, because we all know that won’t happen, but to even let me rest a moment – I was denied that.

I left her a spot for her to sit beside me, she purposely moved her laptop to the table to use it rather than sit next to me. I was slightly perturbed and wanted to hit the wall, but I decided against letting my temper take the better of me. So I finished taking her to buy groceries, out for dinner, bringing her home from a different city, helping her with her computer and she can’t even sit next to me and have a nice talk or something together before ‘suggesting’ that I leave. I hate the distance she casts between us… yet at the same time, many moments throughout the night, we’re so close to each other and things are like having heaven on earth. There’s a major issue when you feel 6 hours with someone is too much, what happens when you’re under the safe roof and have kids? You want to throw your kids away after they’re born 6 hours later? I mean if there was consistency though with her actions, I would consider it legit. Yet, she sees me for 6 hours and thinks I’ve stuck around too long, but she’s stayed for week-on-ends at her friends place, seeing them for many more hours in a day than she sees me, yet she doesn’t get tired of being with them – that’s the only reason why I get frustrated with her claims, because it doesn’t match “all around”…

Bebe and I tonight had some pretty lighthearted conversation 🙂 I’m quite happy and content with how tonight turned out, minus being a bit grumpy when she practically kicked me out of the house, LOL. Ok, so it wasn’t that severe, but it was rather unprecedented. The reason why I usually spend so much time with her on a single day is because we don’t spend enough days together. Let’s just say that we regularly said, we’re going to see each other several times a week or even specific “date nights”, then that’d be all fine and dandy. But we don’t have set days we see each other, so it may be 1 week or 1 month that I don’t see her again. It’s kind of shitty that way, because that’s the REASON why I always linger around, because I don’t know when the next time she’ll be available again. If we spent more smaller periods of time over a week together, I’d be less inclined to always stick around after activities. The thing is, she already has this super bad habit of ignoring me, whether by Facebook, MSN or whatever.. I’m starting to lose reliable methods of contact, when I send her a MSN message, I don’t fucking know whether she gets it because she likes to block, unblock, hide and all that rude shit that who-knows-why someone can justify doing that to someone who cares so deeply about her. This isn’t a matter of blocking the random freak you met at a bar or your ex-best friend who stole your boyfriend, she’s finding ways of “hiding” herself from the man who wants to give her a world – is that fucked or what? I’ve already told her, I’m insistent that the more she hides from me, the more I will find things out about her and her friends in more resourceful and probably, more defiant ways.

No communication accessIf she was just honest to me or say if she didn’t feel like chatting to just tell me, “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “Sorry, now’s not a good time” rather than treating me like I should be ignored, I’d be much more amiable and feel better about myself. Today, we ran over the topic of confidence and I was about to mention to her that sometimes that lack of self-confidence I have is because she steps on my confidence level. To me, I like to reassure her that she is my one-and-only girl on my mind, that she’s absolutely beautiful and not even her most ‘beautiful’ friends could beat her out and that practical and justifable things that she does, I would support her without a doubt! To me, when it comes to communication, all she does is make me feel like shit, make me cry and completely hurt when she feels it is NECESSARY to hide/block me from communication methods. It’s a good thing that having some knowledge about breaking Facebook and MSN that I can still manage to get by some of the sneaky things she does to me, but lets face it, I should NOT have to do those kind of things against the woman I love. The communication sometimes even has breakdowns where I may say something and she’ll just have no reply. This isn’t just even by text, she even does that in person 😆 and sometimes just replies to me in grunts… I thought replying using grunts was a guy thing to do? Like when we watch TV and girls are disturbing us, we just grunt as a reply, HAH.

You know, most girlfriends keep their boyfriends as the one person who can find her in the MOST ways possible. I let bebe know every way she can get a hold of me, even a private number that I don’t tell most of my friends. I have her able to see me on Facebook, MSN, or any other communication method even if I don’t let others see me, because I want to be fully accessible to her. In her mind, she needs to be fully accessible to everyone BUT me… that is a shit-can-in-a-toilet-bowl. Please feel free people to tell me how such an action is justifiable under the scenario where we are supposed to be open, trusting and loyal to each other? So I had left my remote session desktop open on her computer, luckily I didn’t have any of my tools active, LOL… and I just casually mentioned to her she hadn’t talked to me on MSN since Feb 26th and she says, “Oh, that isn’t so long ago”… um.. it is Mar 4th today honey, that’s quite a friggin while. Anyways, enough of a bitching, I just get frustrated with all the excuses she has because it “only applies to me” and no one else 🙄 The good thing is that I can be assured bebe will never be a criminal… or at least not a good criminal, because she’s a terrible liar 😛 she couldn’t hide the most important of things if she wanted to XD

So we finally did some domestic stuff today like buying groceries together. We are such a wonderful couple XD I mean, I look like a servant ‘cuz I follow behind her, but I feel so gosh-darn happy just seeing her shop and being able to walk around with her, help out, discuss things – very “family-like” feeling, just like mom and dad. In both of the markets we went too, I was being a good boy and avoided going to my favourite section as not to have to drag her to look at stuff with me, haha. Although come to think of it, I do need to ask her to buy a package for me at T&T which apparently for some reason, I seem to be afraid of buying that stuff at Asian places – maybe because there seems to be more eyes and people here tend to be more judgmental!

So what a beautiful night and we wrapped up it nicely with a nice tight hug. I was even surprized at her pulling me in close and the force she managed to do it with, LOL. I’m a pretty big guy and not easy to move… and she’s this cute tiny girl who apparently has quite the power to pull me in an inward motion successfully 😀 I felt so close to her, her body so warm against mine and for a moment, we were one – our hearts beating one on another… soooo sweet it’d make anyone melt. Nevertheless, it was rather rushed as it was quick, abrupt and out the door, rather than savouring the moment. When you give people intimate-type hugs, you hold them and want to be inseparable. For her, she hugged, wrapped up and practically threw me out the door, lol. We just need to work on some physical intimacy and getting used to the feeling of each other and that’s it, our relationships is flying up, up and up! 😆

Improvement is goalI feel so blessed today at how great my Friday was,  despite my complaints, they’re just areas of improvement for us! I hope everyone else had a beautiful Friday, good night 🙂 Amy, I won’t lie… I’ve spent the entire night fantasizing about bebe, LOL… such an awesome experience 😉

Trying to Contemplate Happiness in Many Ways

I’m always a person who strives to be a better person and to engage in self-improvement. God only knows that I have a long way before I achieve it, but every little steps count. As you can tell, every once in a while I’ll blog like mad and other times, I don’t feel the same motivation. In a way, I feel like I let down the theme of my blog whenever I can’t come up with something on-topic. Let’s be real, even if every single day I updated something on my blog about menstruation and did it for the next 10 years, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up with it, but of course my brain hardly has the capacity to know that much about it. When I overburden my blog with personal posts, I feel as if I’m suffocating my period-related posts – ACK, what a dilemma.

There are times when I think back 20 years ago, when my family and I struggled (compared to today) to keep our bills paid, food on the table and roof over our head. How far we have came since then where we now have a house, car (cars at one point), luxury goods, money for entertainment, etc. yet I’m not quite sure whether our happiness has truly increased. I would dare say that when we didn’t have so much, life’s expectations seemed to be more easily fulfilled and as such, happiness seemed to be found easier. Back then, going to a beach with a ball and a picnic basket full of food seemed to me like as if I won the lottery. Now, it seems like happiness is harder to find because now we expect so-much-more to satisfy those same needs. Likewise, a McDonald’s fries was a luxury meal and now, even when I’m eating abalone (an expensive Asian delicacy), it makes me want something better. While I think it’s very normal to have goals and strive for things, do we not find happiness as easy to achieve as we “progress” in life and social status?

I really can’t remember who I found this off of, I think it was Poh Ching (only because she spams her Facebook wall regularly with stuff that I can’t even keep up), but it really made me think how we can be happy synthetically. This isn’t a matter of smiling and pretending you’re happy when you’re not, but it’s about accepting what we have as the “easier way out” and yet, still feeling happy with our choices in the end. It kind of made me laugh because I think if bebe just sucked it up and stuck it out with me long enough, she could synthetically be happy with me and in the end, be really happy since happiness and satisfaction itself can be fictitiously generated by our brains. It was an interesting thought and obviously a natural goal would be for her to truly, genuinely care for me like I do for her, but in the worst case scenario, synthetic happiness with me wouldn’t be a poor alternative given it develops into emotional and psychological happiness in time. You may be completely perplexed at what the hell i’m talking about, but it’ll make sense once you watch this. She may always think about whether she could’ve ended up with a better guy, but if she settled for me and her psychological immune system kicked in, she may realize I’m not that bad… HAHAHA:

http://www.ted.com Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, challenges the idea that well be miserable if we dont get what we want. Our “psychological immune system” lets us feel truly happy even when things dont go as planned.

TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers are invited to give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes — including speakers such as Jill Bolte Taylor, Sir Ken Robinson, Hans Rosling, Al Gore and Arthur Benjamin. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, and TEDTalks cover these topics as well as science, business, politics and the arts. Watch the Top 10 TEDTalks on TED.com, at
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/top10

Some random thoughts of the week…. Thursday we got a call from that friend I helped to study in Canada telling me that his parents will we leaving back to Hong Kong on Saturday and wanted to have another dinner with us. This time, they chose a Japanese all-you-can-eat place in our city’s downtown. I mean seriously, 4 buffets over a course of two weeks is a bit intense but sigh, can’t really reject when someone’s doing a pre-flight gathering. Of course I went nuts on the Sashimi and also because apparently that girl (refer to this post if you forgot and care) likes the same type of Japanese food as I do, it was awesome that we sat across from each other to split food since a lot of the other people didn’t dare eat the same stuff we did 😀

One thing I must say though, taking a bit of time to freshen yourself up and put on some decent clothes (it’s not about price, it’s about matching your look/style/enhancing assets/reducing flaws), that one can look really good. I remember when I met her the first time a few weeks ago, she wasn’t really that particular, but this time that she wore something that fit her well, she looked a lot better than last time. I think that’s the thing with girls – all it takes is a bit of maintenance (not even requiring make-up), and it really makes a huge difference. I guess it would be like the equivalent of a guy who normally has a clean shave and lets it grow for half a year and then he looks like he’s some bum off the street. She definitely had a nice look this time and there was no make-up on, which is nice because it’s not really necessary for naturally beautiful girls (like bebe :P) to look nice. As usual, I simply appreciate the girl’s beauty, but I’m not in love with her like I am with another special girl – I’m a good boy, see? 😆 One of those go-to-far-feminists will probably say, “We don’t have to look good just on the account of men!”… well true enough – but all I’m saying is that with some at-home maintenance before you go out, girls can look like a totally different person!

Today was nothing particularly exciting, but relaxing. We went out early morning to do the usual pulse-testing and get this weeks herbal. Still trying to tackle the oily scalp issue as that’s definitely the primary cause of my hair shedding. I will have to give it to her that my hair is thicker now at the top, but the receding hairline, sides and back are still a concern. However, I think with MPB, the typical loss is at the top which makes styling very hard when you have a huge gaping hole in your head. With hair on the top, it makes styling much easier as you can do a close shave along the back and sides, leaving only the top and if you have enough hair, it is simply a “style”. Even though I still see hair shedding and some thinning at the front, I’m trying to keep-my-cool and stay positive. I’m also trying to remember that I can be synthetically happy – “Losing hair isn’t that bad, I just have to change my haircut or shave it completely in the worst case!” … but the reality is that bebe has made me really self-conscious of my hair because she loves it so much. I try to generate that psychological immunity to believing it’s ok even if it happens but can’t get over the fact that I will disappoint her in the future. Maybe subconsciously it’s also why I’m trying to push the relationship along, so that she learns to love something concentrate about me, rather than the fuzz on my head. I do admit I love my hair and would save it if I could, but I also won’t die without it… however, I will probably die without bebe in my life because she’s important to me.

Anyways… back to a note of happiness, I was just going through Poh Ching’s blog as usual and found something directed at me!!! =O

You were right – THANK YOU!

Prexus, this post is for you!

You were right about the going out to meet people instead of wallowing in sadness alone at home!

It’s kind of nice to see that I’ve made a positive impact on someone’s life for once!

Normally when I reblog, I try to only do a snippet of it – but this is much too great to not honour the ENTIRE posting…

We All Married the Wrong Person

We All Married the Wrong Person

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.

“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.

He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success.  “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.

“If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.

Dr.  Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called The Choice Paradox by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.

“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

  • Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
  • Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
  • Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
  • Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”

Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”

For more information on Dr. Haltzman or his books, visit DrScott.com or 365Reasons.com. Many thanks to Dr. Haltzman for sharing his time, wisdom and advice.

via Marriage Gems

I highly encourage you to read the comments of the entry as there are some insights that are real eye-openers…

http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/09/10/we-all-married-the-wrong-person/#comments

I think deeply about what I’m trying to accomplish in my relationship life… I really want bebe to love me for the person I am, by showing her who I am… it doesn’t mean I think I’m perfect enough to be EVERYTHING that she wants, but I can say that I’m at least good enough to provide what she needs in a relationship…

I look at what is encouraged of us..

Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.

Absolutely… I will never say that I find absolutely 0 faults in who she is, but I feel she has many more positive qualities than I could even offset with negatives. We’re not perfect beings and I can certainly accept that there are things I may think whether I could tolerate in a life-long commitment, but I believe that with all the things I can love about her, I won’t even consider it being a deal-breaker.

Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.

This is my goal because I can’t keep simply looking for love and simply change from one girl to another… it’s a matter of showing bebe that I’m the right person, not that just she’s right for me. What REALISTIC things does she desire from a guy and I’ll try to fulfill it.

Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.

This I can already do… I haven’t given her and shown her all that I care for her, because I know it’ll be a while before I get the same affection in return. Nevertheless, just because I don’t receive, doesn’t mean I don’t give! The feeling of giving when you truly, deeply, madly (lol, song by Savage Garden…) care and love someone, you feel the need to show them, it’s not something humanly controllable – it simply is. She may wonder that albeit how she treats me why I can endure it, but because it’s an undeniable feeling of wanting to express myself regardless of whether there is gain for me.

Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

This is a tough one when it comes to relationships because we’ll always want to put our own priorities and mentality first. I need to make improvements on this, because I want and need to be more considerate of her, yet still heeding to my own needs and happiness.

When I read the following excerpt, it almost shocked me to believe that what I feel to be true in our complex society, is not just something in my head and that there are those who professionally and scientifically, believe so…

Dr.  Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. […] I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.

Thank you Poh Ching for allowing me to read such an amazing article… I always thought that, “I’m the only one who thinks like this…” – but the reality is that our happiness is right under our noses or that we want to believe there’s always something better when in turn, we may already own it. I am not blind to mine and bebe’s flaws… we both have them and to continually question ourselves if we can “always do better” is only sinking us into a whole and that’s why I’ve committed my soul and dedicated my years to come to chasing her until her heart will think of no other!

Life used to be so simple back when our parents were growing up… if you showed a person you loved them enough, they would love you in return – everlasting… now people want to “explore” so much they’ve lost the ability to feel emotions in return. People used to love realistically, now people love superficiality. We need to set our era’s back, because simple love, is the best and one true love.

I Think Too Much…

As if one who has read my blog probably has already concluded. A lot of people take being analytical as being a really good thing. I am extremely analytical and for all intesive purposes, someone could say something as sure, ok, no, yes, maybe and I would in my head, infer different meanings and thoughts that you may be having. There are times when such analysis comes in great uses, especially ones where I’m deciding whether I’m in a position of danger and such, but rarely do those happen and I find my constant “reading” into things an annoyance.

Trust me, when you begin to think of every angle of what a person could be feeling or “truly” saying when they say simple things, then it comes to the point of over-analysis. I think some of the arguments bebe and I get into is a result of my over-analysis. She will say something as simple as it may be I have already thought of 50 other things she might mean or subconsciously considering even when it is not the case.  I cannot pinpoint the exact English word, but the Chinese expression 多心 comes to mind when it goes to describing me – I think more than I really need to, especially for small situations.

I think a lot of my friends think that I sit there and hunch over bebe’s Facebook and read into what she does, who she talks to and what she thinks. The funny thing is I don’t, because I know when I do, my brain starts to wander. I remember a recent occasion where one of her friends and her were talking to each other and I totally got jealous at things they were talking about. I did not know whether she was serious or joking, but it led me to all sorts of crazy thoughts. I told myself that if I’m going to read her things, I should take everything from a NEUTRAL standpoint, I should not infer anything that her or her friends say, I should read, smile and put it down just like everything else and not take it to heart. Understandably, many of us say things without a second thought because it comes naturally or because we understand inside jokes. When other people read it, they might feel aghast. I can definitely say I let a different side show of me on Facebook rather than the person I am. Suffice to say, I’m not hiding who I am, I just tend to be a bit more wackier on Facebook or may say things I otherwise would not. Since all my Facebook “friends” are people I have actually taken the time to know (and hopefully vice-versa), I feel comfortable expressing myself.

Past 3-4 days I noticed another shedding cycle or so I think. Again, here’s the “think” again – because I really don’t know if it’s true. I always seems every once in a while, my hair goes into these shedding phases where I seem to lose more than usual. This morning I combed my hair and I think about 15 hair strands came out and I’m like HOLY FUCK. I know that stress is a factor of hair loss, but am I really that stressed out? I mean yes, I’m very unhappy over bebe’s departure for 6 months, but this is the least of things. I’ve been much more stressed in my life before than this. I find it almost ironic that as much as she wants hair on me, she’s also the one destroying most of my hair, LOL. All the stress and grief that arises seem to make me more prone to being stressed. When we were together happily, talking and my mood was always up, I was always calm and nice and even the worst of situations I’d just smile. Now I find myself what Cherrie would call “angsty” – the smallest things tip me off. I know in the back of my mind I keep thinking if worse comes to worse, I can just get a hair transplant but that doesn’t solve the ROOT of the problem, which is this unhappiness is just generated from the lack of companionship from bebe. Poh Ching and I always have serious talks about this, because she has a good connection of girls of her own culture, background and likely, similar upbringing. Also, she helps me shed light on things because she too, was the shy, first-relationship girl as well. Although there are times when I curse at myself for bothering with a girl who seems so resistant, I snap back and realize that love has no bounds and choices like these are made out of feelings, not simply logic.

Seems like most of my friends (particularly those who follow my blog) have told me it’s so easy to stay in touch these days – I easily can with bebe over Skype. I would hate to do webcam with her because I hate how I look already, especially over cam 😆 I wouldn’t mind being able to talk to her over voice and just to hear her beautiful voice. I should’ve recorded it while I had the chance >_> I’ve already been constantly checking my MSN to see if she’s finally done stabbing me by ignoring me on MSN and ready to talk to me again, but nope, still hasn’t even though she’s finally back in the comfort of her home. I sit there checking the servers to see if she’s lifted it and I think it’s almost becoming paranoia at that. I need to sit back and just wait for her rather than always checking.

I just want a normal life back, where bebe and I can play games together, smile in each others company, walk with each other to run errands, lie on the grass in the park and share heart-to-heart conversations. I just want her to stare in my eyes and see how much I care for her and can give her a life of happiness. I don’t want to become her show-off toy where she can bring me to her friends and be like, “My boyfriend looks better than your boyfriend,” and become her groomed pet. I want our existence to be our fulfillment of life and that we can start a great family-life together. Life is so short, we spend years growing up, years finding one we can love and only short years that we actually spend together. To think of how we’re wasting our lives away when both of us are made for each other brings sorrow to me – because life is so fragile we should take advantage of every moment.

But today, I realized I need to be a believer. I need to look myself in the mirror and with confidence, believe I can. I have renewed sense of hope, after seeing a guy who is on the large side, older, not one who everyone would consider attractive and not one who is rich and famous, in a relationship with an young and extremely beautiful girl. This couple may be the very testament that there is truth to love, that love allows us to see past those physical imperfections – that bebe could perhaps one day soon, see that I am a guy worthy of her love and that both of us strike passion with each other. Humans undoubtly make assumptions of a person upon appearance, but seeing old couples on the street who have MUCH lost their looks, yet in a loving and undeniable loyalty to each other make me smile and remind myself that when they came together, they knew that she wasn’t going to keep the 36-24-36 she had and that he wasn’t going to retain every strand of hair and that 12-pack of abs he once worked-in. I’m a believer today, because I have seen a relationship between a beautiful girl and a very average guy be together in happiness makes me believe that bebe and I can do the same. It is not that I am suggesting that I will let myself go and be some couch potato and not bother staying in shape, but I don’t believe we should be basing our relationship based on what we see from the exterior of each other. What if bebe in Malaysia gains 10 lbs before she comes back from all the good food and sleep-ins? I am still here for her and my heart will seek no other.

Today, I am a believer. Hope, love, faith.

Now… time to work on finding a shampoo for oily scalps so I can try to keep this hair on my head and get rid of these stupid sebum flakes!

I Want to Eat Right Now…

What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…

You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….

So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”

Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?

I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.

Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.

My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.

I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.

It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.

I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.

Depression
Anger
Hatred
Fear
Hostility
Blame
Regret
Invalidated
Underestimated
Powerless
Suffocated
Abandoned
Insignificant
Rejected
Unloved
Unwanted
Resentment
Grief
Jealousy
Envy
Greed

These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.

Because I love her.

I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?

Blah – I want to eat.

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

Life is so grand and such an amazing thing - but there are times when it seems futile

Connecting Through Chemistry

I thought I’d write something a bit abstract today, rather than my usual period-postings since it’s a Friday. For the past while, I’ve been pondering something one of my ex’s have said to me. Now, you might wonder why I seem to talk about my ex’s a lot, it is because all my ex’s with the exception of one, I keep in touch with – some, on even a regular basis. I’m a believer that just because two people didn’t make it to the final stretches of a relationship, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Sometimes, this connection even helps break barriers because we might say stuff like, “Hey, remember when we…..?” and it brings back a lot of happy memories. I know it is very typical for most people to cut contact with those whom they have broken up with, but I really think that’s just a nasty closure to things, unless we’re talking about break ups as a result of infidelity or abuse. I truly cherish all the girls who have ever been a part of my life, and most of my ex’s can probably read and attest to this 🙂

Nevertheless, today, I’m going to cover how amazing it is to connect with similar people or maybe, even people who you have striking chemistry with. A lot of the people I’ve met in my life, I’ve gotten to know them over time and began to enjoy their company. However, there’s only maybe a handful of people who’ve I met that I could say that I “instantly click” with – and this doesn’t cover just girls, I’m talking about guy-friends as well. This recent summer, I met a friend through a distant relative… they go to the same school and she just happened to tag along. She was outspoken, but not shy, we talked a bit and it was very relaxed, not tense like most “first-time meet” situations. We maybe spoke for 20 minutes at most before she had to leave, because the person she came with had alternate plans for the day and they were dropping by just to say hi.

Through Facebook, I managed to find this new-found friend and decided to take a shot and add her… hell, if she doesn’t accept, there’s no loss – LOL. Luckily for me, she accepted my request and through there, we chatted a bit through wall-to-wall and kind of indirectly got to know each other. I honestly didn’t think either of us were shy at all, we talked like we really knew each other, lol. Since most of you probably don’t know me very well, I’m one of those people who can talk for 3-4 hours without wincing. I decided it kind of got spammy talking over Facebook, as it’d fill up each others pages when it’d be more efficient to talk over IM. She had her email address as part of the FB profile, so I went and sent her a request.

At first, getting used to talking directly over IM was a bit of an ice breaker, but once we go through all of that, messages were flying back and forth. We’d talk about drama series, games, things we did during the day, our friends, life, etc. the list could go on forever. Although we talk every couple of days, we never seem to run out of topics to talk about. She’s busy with school and I’m busy with work and although those both are very mundane things, we never seem to have problems conjuring something up to talk about. You might wonder why I bring this up as a worthy topic, but I remember when my ex-ex girlfriend and I broke up, we were trying to mend things together over a course of 3-4 years. We really wanted to make the best of what we had, remember the happiness of the past, while moving forward with our new lives. I keenly remember asking her, “How can we be friends again?” (we had problems maintaining a conversation with each other without ending up in an argument or the conversation would die out after 10-20 messages) and she replied to me that friends don’t have to look for topics to talk about and they shouldn’t have to think about everything they say just so it doesn’t offend one another. Although I knew the truth, I didn’t want to believe it, but through this friend, she has proven to me that friends don’t need to find things to topic about, rather, conversations flow freely and without worry. I actually believe my ex-ex was a good 2-3 years younger than me, yet her mindset was so much more mature a few years ago.

Anyways, this friend of mind is really fun to talk to and it’s too bad she doesn’t come on every night 😛 When we do talk, I swear sometimes we totally drag each other on and on until one of us calls it quits, lol. Almost every time we talk, we have set a time “when we’re going to get off” but our “bye” ends up in another 30 minute conversation 😀 I don’t think we ever bore each other, somehow we just have things to talk about, whether something serious or something completely informal. Every once in a while we’ll drop each other offline messages and it just brightens up the day. You know how most people have a friend that they look forward to talking to everyday or just hearing something as simple as, “Hey, how are things going?” – she’s one of those types! If you think we know each other really well and that’s the reason why we connect, let me say upfront that we’ve only met in person once, lol. The age gap between us is huge… I think 6 years, yet we get along really well. Sometimes we’re pretty geeky when it comes down to talking, haha, we’re so lazy sometimes that instead of talking online in front of a computer, we’ll actually talk to each other through IM on our phones 8) Last night, she just told me she’s planning to get a new iPhone, so things will be even more geeky when we’re playing iPhone games and talking IM at the same time, lol. Geeky yar?

She’s really nice and easy to get along with and honestly, I think I talk to her more than my distant relative (who I met her through). I’m not sure if it’s because we’re closer in age than my relative (since I think she’s like 1-2 years even younger), but when it comes to talking, we “click”. I’m not saying as if our conversations have never went silent before, but a lot of it has to do with us being preoccupied with something. I remember a few days ago, she kept on sending me Youtube videos while I was trying to practice my presentation… and instead of doing that, we ended up watching YT clips, hahaha.. such a horrible influence she is on me 😉 Nevertheless, last night, she was trying to get her project done and we ended up talking for 3 hours until she was like “OMG, I really need to finish this tonight…” and she mentioned having to stay up – but I certainly hope she didn’t pull an all-nighter! I’m not sure whether it is a good idea when we start talking to each other – lol, although I admit she has a lot more willpower than me to stop…. what can I say, I’m conversationally-addicted! I think we both realize that the only time we should talk to each other is when we don’t have anything pressing to do, haha… or else it is just beacuse we intentionally procrastinate what we’re supposed to be doing 😀

So ya… through something that my ex-ex said to me almost 3 years ago, it suddenly dawned upon me that even between friends, chemistry exists to a degree where there are people who you can talk to and those who you can really talk to and it makes all the difference in a day. I find myself feeling more cheerful when I get to talk to her, she makes me laugh, smile and sometimes even hold my stomach in pain. Sometimes getting to know someone isn’t even about seeing that person face-to-face everyday, it is about effective, engaging and meaningful communication. I feel grateful that I can make friends like these, because with a world this vast, it is not every day you meet a person that you look forward to talk to and enjoy every moment of it. We connect even when we’re not joking around or talking about something we enjoy, but we’ve had serious conversations about matters before that still are enjoyable and is a way for us to get to know each other. These are perhaps, once-in-a-lifetime friends that while you might make many friends throughout your lifetime, there are the select few that you’d trust everything on your mind and speak at-ease.

I’ve found that over the past few months, I’ve been a lot more grateful to my friends, to people I meet and even acquaintances. Life is wonderful when you have people around you who you truly enjoy being with and can relate to. While we both grew up in very separate environments, her – the typical Hong Kong snooty princess and I, the poor immigrant – those things are simply overlooked when we’re talking. It is through talking to dissimilar, yet similar people that we find ourselves, learn about others and merge wisdom by having friends from every background, culture, gender, sexual orientation, race and experiences. She messaged me today and I missed her – I hate that! Now who knows when the next time I’ll see her online will be, lol, she’s a busy bee like that!

But anyways, to close off the night, for those who don’t keep up with my “happenings”, I recently took up Tae Bo, for those who don’t know what it is, see the Wikipedia quote:

Tae Bo is an aerobic exercise routine that became popular in the 1990s. It was developed by taekwondo practitioner Billy Blanks[1] and was one of the first “cardio-boxing” programs to enjoy commercial success.[citation needed] Such programs use the motions of martial arts at a rapid pace designed to promote fitness. The name Tae Bo is a portmanteau of tae kwon do and boxing. [1]

History

Blanks developed the routine in 1976 by combining dance with elements from his martial arts and boxing training to form a workout regimen.[1] During the 1990s, a series of videos were mass-marketed to the public; by 1999 an estimated 1 billion sets of videos had been sold on the back of a frequently aired television infomercial.[2] As a result, Tae Bo became somewhat of a pop culture phenomenon in the late 1990s. Gyms began offering kickboxing-based fitness classes similar to Tae Bo. Since Blanks had taken out a trademark on the name they were not allowed to use the term Tae Bo without paying a licensing fee.[1] Tae Bo videos and DVDs continue to rank among the top sellers in the fitness genre[citation needed] and derivative classes are still offered at many gyms.

Tae Bo classes are taught worldwide. Tae Bo includes many of the same punches and kicks as karate, but is not intended for fighting—it was not meant for any combat or self-defense applications. There are no throws, grappling moves, or ground fighting techniques in Tae Bo. Its only intent is to increase fitness through movement. Tae Bo also includes aerobic exercises intended to strengthen all muscles of the body with basic choreography.
The high-intensity workout is intended to increase cardiovascular fitness, strength, muscular endurance and flexibility.

Although I was doing a Quattro fitness workout for about 3 weeks, I’ve found it to be extremely boring and is not as engaging as Tae Bo. Furthermore, while I was working out my abs and legs, I found very little effect when it came to trying to sweat off the weight or help to get my heart pumping. Although I’m less than a week into Tae Bo, I can tell you I’m very pleased with it and it already has visible effects to my cardiovascular strength. I used to get tired very easily doing lifting, running or any type of “heart-intensive” movements. Over the week, I’ve found each day my heart pounds less hard after every work out – I feel energized and refreshed (although a bit smelly… ya, sweat doesn’t smell good). After 30 minutes (of 44 minutes) I’m drenched in sweat, my heart is getting a good work-out and it relaxes ALL the muscles in my body. Besides swimming, I could never come up with an activity that would target the entire body. So far, I’ve still failed to complete the entire circuit all in one go as I start losing strength about half an hour through, but it is my goal that I will be able to do a few minutes more each day until I am able to do the entire 44-minute run.

I have several friends who have done or still do, Tae Bo and one of the best results that came of it was 25 lbs over 3 months. If I’m able to lose 25 lbs of fat I’ll be off to a damn good start! One of my coworkers did say that I should expect to gain some weight at first because I’m now converting this fat into muscles, thus, my overall weight will go up until the fat is burned off. I’m not so much concerned about my weight per se, but I need to slender-down my body and tone a few places, most notably my face. Asian people tend to have rounder facial structures, therefore, whenever we gain “meat on our faces” it tends to show a LOT (one of the things that suck about being Asian). On a regular white male, “fat faces” don’t seem to appear until we’re talking about grossly excessive weight. For instance, my coworker who I just mentioned weighed 260lbs at one point and looking at some old photos of him, even though he was “big”, his face did not show it. I weigh way less than than him, yet I have a terrible “fat face” problem 😐 See, when fat is elsewhere, it can be “hidden” via clothes, but it is rather hard to hide my face, lol.

So I’m really hopeful that Tae Bo will be one of the workouts I’ll be able to stick to and in all reality, my lack of success from these exercises is that I feel disengaged and lack motivation. Because Tae Bo is fun, I’m hoping it will act as a motivator and because Billy Blanks does a good job of keeping his assistants energized that it really adds to the workout and fueling my energy. A large reason why I switched from the previous workout as well is because I started getting pains and I recently even hurt my neck I think. I must’ve pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve because for the past few days it felt like someone was jabbing pins into the neck. Once I finish Tae Bo, that pain actually goes away for a good 6-8 hours! Clearly this exercise even has medicinal effects, lol. Obviously whatever exercises were incorporated into the previous workout was not suited for me or perhaps I didn’t have the right form. Nevertheless, finding something that gets my heart beating, blood flowing and most importantly, sweating like a pig, will help get rid of that fat!

I am soooooooooo tired tonight it is not even funny. I had to visit 2 sites today and go through 3 back-to-back meetings. I’m drained physically and psychologically as there’s so much on my mind! I need to sleep before I wake up with keyboard keys stuck to my face, lol.

Night my valued readers 🙂

P.S Feminine Hygiene sales from flyers are going up tomorrow, not all the pictures were available today so I didn’t want to post them up without it….

Random Connections in Facebook

It wasn’t until last year around this month that I started using Facebook. I was a “late bloomer” so to speak.. I did not like the concept of FB, revealing myself to the world. However, being my first-year anniversary of using it, I have found it to be a great way to keep in touch with people. For me, FB is a pretty private place to me and I avoid adding people out of “just meeting them at a party” or something like that – unless I can see myself connecting with that person in the future again. For a long while, I resisted adding anyone from my work place or any of my external clients to Facebook, because sometimes I post work-related updates on there. However, I decided to change my own policy of that and went ahead with adding them – but with highly restrictive permissions.

There are people whom I work with who I deal more in a “personal” and “friend” basis.. those who I would spend time with outside of the office, there are only a few. Further to that, I’m nuts when it comes to ensuring all the “groups” of people I know are sorted well in categories. I do not use categories just for the fun of going so, but because I’m anal when it comes to applying privacy settings, permissions and rights to Facebook “friends”. I have 10 groups and had more at one point and all of them really do serve specific needs. Perhaps being an I.T. guy, this was one of the first things I set up when I started using Facebook. I religiously classify ANY PERSON I add to Facebook in one or more of these categories and I work through a “compounding permissions of groups” – each group granted either more/less permission to my visibility.

Can you tell I'm anal about my Facebook groups?

On that note, today, an interesting situation happened. Oh… before I continue (I blog like I talk… jumping all over the place)… I actually had 3 topics to write about today and by the time I began typing this, it has now dwindled to one… not because I don’t want to talk about the others, but because I FORGOT.. lol, I’m getting old. Anyways, today I had to go on-site to fix some issues the place was having. I have not done field work for a while as the past 3 years I’ve been working at this organization, I only did field work for 3 months before being promoted to the headquarters managing internal systems. I held that position for 2 years before moving into my current position doing I.T. project management. Anyways, my time out in the field was short and I had only met a handful of people anyways. Out of my naiveness, when today I went to a site to work, and as I walked into the office to report in (we are required to do so for security purposes) and then one of the secretaries gave me a weird look.

I was wondering if I had something on my face, my hair was disheveled (crazy winds today) or why she was giving me a weird look. As I approached her more closely, I realized she was try to take a look at my ID tag (which I have clipped onto my belt since wearing it around my neck tends to drop in between computer fans, LOL). She asked me who I was and to identify the reason why I was there. Since I’m not well-known within the organization due to my lack of time doing field work, it is pretty usual that I had to identify myself (if you’re one of the regular techs and they recognize your face, they’ll just let you through). I work in an environment where security is paramount as we deal with lots of little kids and we all know how common pedophilia is in society nowadays, so it never offends me when someone asks me to state the intention of my visit.

The secretary, being probably suspicious spoke to me in a very abrupt and crude tone. I identified myself, showed my ID and signed myself in. She looked at my name and immediately she began to smile (my immediate thought was to step back 10 feet, lol) at me and began to introduce herself. I clearly had no idea who she was, although she seemed to know me quite well. She started listing off the first names of people who knew me personally and many of my coworkers. As these names were passing through my head, I finally connected them all to one place… FACEBOOK! Finally she said one more person’s name then all the pieces came together. She was like “Ohhh… you’re _____ it is so nice to meet you in person! You know me? I thanked you last time over ______’s Facebook for all the work you did for me!” and then I finally realized who it was (or well, at least her name). We shook hands and all of a sudden, the mood completely changed, as if Facebook had some magical powers.

We had a small chat before proceeding to get some information as to what room number and person I needed to contact. I asked if it was ok if she paged the person for me just to make sure he was there and if she could help me locate the room. She was all cheerful, called the person to verify he was there, gave me directions and even walked me to the door. Is that crazy or what because just a few minutes ago, she was definitely not “very nice” until it dawned upon her that she “knew me” from Facebook. On that note, it is crazy now how we’re so interconnected to people… which can be good and bad.

This is not the first time that I found out I was so “well-known”… I have been to sites before where people somehow know me, but I don’t know them, LOL. I suppose it is very easy for them to know me since I’m the only Asian who works in I.T. (rare eh… you’d think there’d be more of us given our reputation) and probably one of the few Asians who worked in the entire organization. I suppose my name gets out there somehow… I have no idea how. When I inquired, a few people even said, “I heard your good-name through the grapevines and people speak highly of you..” and I’m like WTF… who’s speaking highly of me? LOL. Furthermore, why would any speak highly of me? Most of the time I’m a big asshole wakakakak (Doing a Poh Ching laugh) 😀

When I left the site and was driving home, I kept on wondering how people know me and I don’t know them. I try to be very personal and deal with people directly rather than phone calls, remote access and stuff like that as it helps the customer and I connect on a friendly and in-person basis. Furthermore, I did not know people actually tell others when they meet someone to “speak highly of”… I find myself only telling others when I meet someone who’s a real douche, LOL, maybe I ought to change that, haha. Nevertheless, it was kind of cool to realize that my name was out there and as if I was some kind of celebrity walking in to fix a system. It took me all of 10 minutes to do it and I was a superhero with a cape. I was thanked profusely which in all honesty, made me feel more accomplished than the pay I earned for the day!

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Found a video posted by another blogger that amusingly fit into the topic of Facebook – and just in time for V-Day too!

Video found by: Author

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And to end the night, something period-related for you guys to read 🙂

Turning Points

I was just reading my friend’s blog today and having a lengthy (oh… let’s say… 4 hours?) conversation with her. I was telling her how great it was that she experienced a “turning point” in her life… experiences that has changed how she viewed the world. All of us at one point has to change and we are forever changing with every experience or moment that passes. Whether something is big or small, it impacts our lives so ever-little that we barely notice until it accumulates to a noticeable point. Given that she just recently started her new blog, I was quite impressed with the articles she has put up already.

Katie’s entry was all about friendship, something that although readily available in our daily lives, we should take the time to evaluate ourselves and our friends on a daily basis. I don’t mean “evaluate” as in testing them or seeing if they’re “worthy” – but more-or-less, whether they really are friends or just ‘friends’. The most prominent scenario of this are social networking sites, especially Facebook. For most people, I would say there are many individuals who show up on Facebook as “friends” who really aren’t someone you’d “call upon” on a regular basis. Not withstanding, I am definitely guilty of having people on my list who I would never talk to or really associate with… perhaps I just knew them from “somewhere” or either returned the favour of adding them. I have 10 categories on my Facebook, all separated with different areas of access and being an I.T guy, my permissions are set extremely granular based on which groups are assigned to a specific user.

With that said, back on topic, is the fact many of us KNOW many people who we may or may have at one point, considered our friend. However, I would dare say that many of us are likely to have many friends… we may “know a lot of people” – acquaintances, your hang-out group, or whatever, but how many of them truly have your back when the going gets tough? Growing up, I’ve always been very accepting of the fact that I knew a lot of people, but only a select-few I’d really give them the label as “friends.” I do have a very high expectation of friends, because they are my inner-circle, the people who I can trust and KNOW I can rely on no matter the situation. I can go to them when I need good advice or a chest that I can punch until my anger is vented out. With the world of Facebook nowdays, it is very common for people to “outdo” each other… Hey, look, I have 500 friends!”Ya well, guess what? I have 600!” I wonder how many of those people that person truly talks to or really knows well. It is so common to meet someone in a restaurant these days and then end up on each others Facebook.

I have this really bad habit about going on a tangent, haha.. anyways, so the point is that throughout my life, I’ve experienced a lot of turning points like Katie has. I remember acutely going through another similar “friendship reevaluation” just this summer. This summer, someone I knew from high school sent me a request on Facebook (known as FB herein) which I accepted. I thought it was rather weird since we’d never really talk to each other with the odd exception when we needed to do a project. A few days later, he sent me a message asking me to go for lunch. I’m a pretty social person so I said sure and we set a date/time. I expected perhaps that he’d duck-out last minute, but sure enough, we met each other punctually at that location, date and time we initially planned – very cool! We talked as if we were “long lost friends” covering almost all major topics within our short 1 1/2 hour lunch, but it was great. This guy, who I barely talked to in high school would take the initiative and bothered to meet up and have a very casual meet-up. It was a great feeling seeing how much people have changed in high school. On that note though, I recall feeling at one point that it was almost like, “The people who I knew well in high school, talked to daily, hung out with seem to be ‘worse’ than the ones who were more distant then, but ‘closer’ now” I commented to my mom one day with a similar notion about how friends that I used to not get along with seem even more friendly now but those who I knew “well” seem to not recognize our previous friendship… worse was the fact some people who I was very close with even ignored my FB-friend request. My mom with her worldly experience said, “Son, it is because as people grow up, they mature and learn to treat people right.” and with that, it shocked me into a whole new world!

Daily, I grow and mature a bit more and gain insight into humanity and the world based on experiences I endure. My cousin who I care for deeply came to me recently and apologized for the past 4 years that she’s been in Canada and hasn’t really bothered connecting with me. For the past 4 years, I would often check up on her, help her move, do paperwork for her, etc. and she has always kept her distance. In the past year, she experienced great changes and eye-opening experiences in her life which changed the values of which she held family and friends alike. It was very very touching to see my cousin change like that. It wasn’t an apology which made everything right, it was the fact she expressed to me that she realized what she did was inconsiderate and she took time to appreciate the people around her. I was ecstatic and very proud of her! Likewise, I went through and still go through these life-changing things and I hope the people around me take time to reevaluate their lives, take time to reconsider and appreciate the true friends who are around you.

I think it is true we tend to be ignorant of our friends who actually mean a lot to us. Perhaps we consider them to be such good friends to us that we don’t feel an obligation. However, I’m a believer that with ANY relationship, whether just regular friends, best friends or even an intimate one takes time to nurture and upkeep – nothing is free in this world! I hope everyone after reading this takes a bit of time to think about how their friends have changed over their lifetime and how many times in our lives have we had to reevaluate who/what we considered as friendships. I understand this is something that comes with age and experience because a conversation with my god-sister just this evening made me furious. Alas, I cannot expect a 16 year-old to understand concepts such as these because they just haven’t experienced enough to FEEL these things deep in the heart. Changes can’t simply be “forced” … sometimes they will simply happen in time!

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