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Discovering Your Sexuality

Today I went and enjoyed a Christmas show with one of my girls & another with one of their boyfriend. I’ve only hung out with this boyfriend a few times and although we don’t know each other very well, we get along great whenever we get together. We skipped lunch and got to Niagara Falls, Fallsview a few hours early, that way we could hit up the Grand Buffet in the casino. We figured if the show started at 7, getting there at 4 would give us a good 2 hours to eat and an hour to blow our money… and yes, no winnings this time again 😦 sad!

You may wonder what my post title has to do with my little story and it really has to do with some conversations struck-up by the boyfriend – we’ll just call him J. The show itself was a lot of dancing and of course, lots of girls. When you pair dancing and girls, what do you usually get? Lots of nice tummies, boobies and invariably, “open legs”. I guess J and his girlfriend don’t go out to see artistic shows much because obviously he was enamored with bouncing boobs, up-skirt shots and the physique of the performing girls. It isn’t that I don’t agree that those are all wonderful things, but having seen quite a few shows now, the “excitement” isn’t there as much just because the girl is flying through the air and you can see between her legs. I think the first time a guy sees it, he’ll think, “Wow, this is so damn hot!” but you become accustomed to it after a while and it is just part of the show. Yes, certainly in some shows, particularly Dancing Queen, it was undeniably sexy with lots of revealing clothing, suggestive themes and stimulation, I no longer have that oh-my-god reaction. Throughout the show, he felt the need to point this all out and I didn’t chastise him since after all I’m a guy and I know what guys think.

What made me feel a bit weird was he made many comments about the girls on stage (of course quietly enough where not everyone would hear), but his girlfriend was within earshot right next to us. I mean we’re guys and as guys, we’re pretty damn naughty and downright disgusting 😛 As much as I’d like to say that I’m differently, if you’ve ever noticed, put one guy apart and he’s a gentleman, but a few guys together and we’re savages. Likewise, put one girl on her own and she’s a lady, but a few girls together and they’re just as bad. If you haven’t seen a few girls together oogling and drooling over some cute boy, then you need to get out to the mall more often, lol.

I agree that the girls on stage are all quite pretty, some more than others and although they share things in common, such as their near-perfected bodies and ample assets. Obviously being in show-business, I wonder how much time they spend working out to have sculpted arms, legs, bust and abs. I hate girls that are too built, but these girls had those nice abs but not the ones that’d make you puke – nice flat tummies with muscles in the right places. It would make almost any guy or girl jealous seeing the performers in their toned-body. Nevertheless, I’ve always been the type where if I was with my girlfriend, I wouldn’t go mentioning other beautiful women around her. It just seems wrong, makes the girlfriend feel awkward and perhaps even make her dissatisfied with herself. I know they have been dating for 3 years and perhaps are more “lax” with things, but I know if I were with bebe, even if I saw a beautiful girl, I wouldn’t dare make a comment within earshot of her or point it out to her and say “oh this girl is pretty” because it’s just not a gentlemanly thing to do. Just “between the guys” I can see a conversation like that, but not when you’re with a girl you’re with!

I put myself in the same position, if bebe saw a really cute boy, I wouldn’t want her to point it out to me or hear her talk to her friends about it because it’d make me feel very lacking and “not good enough for her if I were to hear it, even if that might not be the case. It’s not that I can’t accept her looking at other guys per se, I mean there’s plenty of more beautiful people than bebe or I, and I’m sure we’d both look, but there’s no need to point it out or make it so obvious that you start making your other-half feel bad. I was trying to “hint” to him to tone it down since I could see his girlfriend starting to be disgruntled with her boyfriend while he kept on telling me about all the “sexy things” he saw and how he’d want to do the girl and stuff. One of the girls Mikael, the lead actress has a beautiful body, face, voice and even has that “電” or “come-hither” allure that makes it look like she wants you and I’ll admit that it’d make a guy take a second-look. I tried to change the subject and although I successfully got him off it, he trailed off to another conversation in which he asked, “So [my name], when did you realize you liked girls?

And from there, the girls had already stood in line at the coffee shop since we walked around the block outside to see the falls a bit and wanted to sit down. We had a very interesting conversation over some coffee and cake. I think I’ve spent very little time contemplating that before. As far as I know, I’ve always liked girls and it wasn’t something I needed to be “taught”. My parents have never sat me down and be like, “Ok son, so you’re supposed to feel attracted to females“… it was just something that “occurred”. As far as I can recall, I got my ‘first kiss’ in Kindergarten (and obviously “kisses” then weren’t the with-tongue type… rest assured I got kissed, I wasn’t the one kissing!) and even at that age, it was already my natural connection with girls, I felt girls were attractive and boys were not. After thinking about it, I believe that sexuality is something that’s connected simply to natural growth progression and genetics. I remember when I was talking to a gay-friend before, he simply said, “Liking guys was not something I learned, I simply FELT it.. just how you like girls, you felt it, you didn’t LEARN it.” – and he’s right about that. There wasn’t really a time I doubted myself whether liking girls was my thing, I’ve been interested in girls from a very young age (beyond the whole menstruation thing :lol:), I didn’t think, “Gee, I wonder if I like guys…”

J asked me when I started liking girls… if I can even remember when.. I mean, how do you even define a time-frame like that? It isn’t something that “happens” on a set-date, where do I even start calculating a date for that? LOL… I think at some point or another, kids all “play doctor” and that’s where the exploration of male and female bodies come in, but growing up in a conservative family and having adults around all the time at home limited how much “trouble” we could get into. I highly doubt at any point any of my girl-friends and I were ever nude when playing doctor. When we played doctor, I think it was more of a “I’m going to give you an injection” more than “I want to inspect down there”. Suffice to say, growing up in the current era is probably a lot different than when kids were really innocent and we didn’t know any better. As far as my conscience memory can recall, there was no conscience “thought” on my part to like women – it just was and is – there wasn’t a decision making process involved.

The question that J came up with, as simple as it may seen, really got me thinking. Sitting in the show, both of us guys are admiring the beauty of the girls on stage, yet, where did these feelings come from? Neither of us were told we had to like girls. There was no said-guidance. It’s as natural for us to like girls as natural as a homosexual guy would feel attracted to another guy. As I was writing this blog, I searched on Google, something along the lines of, “When do boys start liking girls?” and came up with about 1.2 million hits. I browsed through a few and it turns out I’m not along, apparently Kindergarten is quite a usual reply, although I reckon that we are all “pre-programmed” to feel attracted the the opposite-sex, same-sex or even both, before we even realize and it just happens that it “surfaces” in Kindergarten due to exposure to boys/girls at school and that Kindergarten is usually the youngest age that people still have vivid memories about. I still remember quite a bit of my 4 year-old life, perhaps even a bit of when I was 3, but definitely under that, it is blurry and probably not very detailed accounts of it.

As the night came toward 10, we decided we’d start calling it a night. The coffee and cake were delicious, although we totally splurged (cake/coffee is usually quite expensive as it stands, let alone in Niagara Falls tourist area), so we stood on the cafe balcony a bit to enjoy the fresh air and beautiful water-mist view and walked along the edges to feel the crisp air through our lungs. It was a great 7 degrees Celsius out, comfortable enough to stroll through without being bundled up, but not warm enough not to require outerwear. The night was great, minus an awkward situation I managed to get myself in. As we were walking along the pathway, the girl and her boyfriend were clung tightly on each other (which to be honest, made me jealous that bebe wasn’t the one clinging onto me as we walked) and I admired the fact they were doing that and then the other girl just rest her arm around mine and I was totally shocked. Unfortunately my natural reaction was just to drop my arm so she couldn’t put hers around mine. She relented and I think she felt very embarrassed. I felt embarrassed having reacted like that and doing that to her. I mean it isn’t the first time she’s done this and I really don’t mind having a girl holding on to me usually. It was just at that moment she did that, I was thinking about bebe and how romantic it’d be to one day soon spend a night like that just strolling and when she hooped her arm around mine, I “felt” it wasn’t bebe and just shook it off. I felt soooooo bad for her and it made things really awkward because even in the dark, I could see her face turn red. It’s not the same that the girl who tried to latch on my arm isn’t bebe and subconsciously, I can’t even accept that anymore. For any other girl to hold me under such romantic circumstances just doesn’t feel acceptable and even if at one point I was ok with that to “casually” let a girl hold me, my body practicality rejects any other girl who comes into intimate contact with me. I don’t deny that the atmosphere was very alluring to just want to hold the closest boy/girl closest to you, but when such a coincidence that I was thinking about bebe and someone who’s not her tries to do that, I had a pretty natural instinct not to allow it. Suffice to say, we kind of kept our distance for the night (which was fine, because it’s not the same…) and it was kind of an unsaid-thing and being one of my girls, I’m sure she understood the situation. I didn’t mean to be so cruel, but I also couldn’t lie to myself and pretend that girl was bebe when it isn’t. Alas, I can’t even feel for another girl, even when the mood is so right… I think that’s the Heaven’s way of saying, “Don’t even THINK about being with another girl other than bebe!

And so, I dropped them all off… got home, played an hour of games and here I am writing this and about to fall asleep 😀 Enjoy the night!

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is…
You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I don’t even wish for snow
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won’t even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is…
You

All I want for Christmas is you… baby

Dedicated to my bebe, forever and always! ❤

Halloween & Birthday 2010

Ah yes Halloween, how many years ago I was excited for a day of running rampant on the street and collecting candy and treats for hours, completely unaware of the cold temperatures and potential danger that lurks behind unruly vehicles that don’t watch out for kids. Today, I sit cozy in my home distributing candy to cute little kids and smiling faces – to once reminiscence childhood and the carefree, no-responsibility life. I am not resentful, because all people will grow and phases change. Where we once were a baby, we shall become a kid. Once a kid, we shall become teen and slowly we move into adulthood where when we look back it makes us smile. Hopefully everyone has great memories of being young and certainly, I know people who wish nothing but to forget about their childhood horrors. A cute little girl, 2-3 if that came to get her candy with her mom. It was the cutest sight ever, mainly because it also made me think about how bebe and I would hold hands with our little child(ren) to go Trick or Treating 😆

I just saw a long-lost friend the other day at work, turns out he got married just a few months ago at 31. Gosh, I guess I shouldn’t be rushing quite yet since many people are choosing to marry at 30ish, especially for guys. I still have quite a few years to go before that, time for me to learn, time for me to mature and time for me to understand the responsibility of being a good boyfriend, husband and future father. I look at bebe, still carefree and void of many responsibilities for now, although I completely understand that for years she’s been taking care of her brothers, both younger and older – something that I greatly admire. I think and wonder whether by rushing her too much I am ripping this freedom away from her, just being graduated and still feeling out the world. At the same time, I cannot deny my own feelings for her and wanting to make our way towards a successful relationship. Of course, everything starts with the first step and although we’re not progressing at the speed I would wish, just having her around is already one solid footing to furthering our development. There are times when I have deep pangs in my heart whether she’ll still be the same girl when she returns, not because something there changes fundamentally who she is, but rather… 心散 (similarity to “distracted” in English, or -loss-of-focus). I mean there should be no guilt from feeling carefree after a long vacation but really, I wonder if she’ll feel the constant allure to go home and leave Canada for good. I’m fearful and I really am – there’s nothing I feel I need to lie about or pretend it doesn’t bug me. I’ve always been an upfront person, I say what I think.

For many, today’s significance are kids running throughout the neighbourhood, but to me, a big significance is that it’s my mom’s birthday. Years ago this day, my grandfather and grandmother gifted my life with a great mom. They brought her into this world and in turn, my father and mother brought me into this world, grateful is the only word that comes to mind. When I was young, it was hard for me to make birthdays for my parents really special. Over the past few years, being more financially stable and stuff, I’ve been able to set up some nice things for them. Sure, it’s always the thought that counts, but some things, you really need money to pull off. We went out for lunch with one of my mom’s best friends, then we headed to Niagara Falls Avalon Theatre for a show. The show was “Dancing Queen” – and a favourite of my mom after she went and saw a live-performance of Mamma Mia, so this was a similar performance of many ABBA hits. I got some tickets for free being a VIP at the casino (can you tell I go there a lot? LOL) and we got some nice seats, right up front, but not so close where your neck goes stiff. She loved it and she got up to sing/dance with everyone. I think everyone can attest to nothing being more glorious than seeing someone truly enjoy something. I yearn for the day that I can book tickets for bebe and myself to enjoy something like this, have dinner after then perhaps a walk along the fall – very romantic.

When we got home, the kids still weren’t on the street yet, but you could tell the atmosphere was slowly filling in. As 5:30 approached, you could hear the streets fill with laughter and knocks on the doors. The number of kids in our neighbourhood has shrunk significantly. Years ago, it was my friends and I on the streets running house to house. As we live in a more mature neighbourhood and fewer young-couples, it will not be until my friends and I begin having kids that this area will repopulate. As years pass, we hear about older neighbours passing away from old age and it’ll be a while before these houses are captured by new families or those with little children before the area flourishes with new life again.

I must digress though, back to the show we went and watched, I must say that I think it has reawaken my love for white, blond girls, haha. Gawd, those girls were damn fit, this amazing curvy, yet solid, flat-bellied body. Of course all of them being dancers, all had the “ideal weight/sculpture” Even the guy’s bodies made me jealous, nice abs and solid chest… although for some reason, I swear guys can never “fully” get rid of fat because you could still see that while they were amazingly in shape, they still had that typical “male love handles”. The girls were just wow, that same blond girl that’s been in 3-4 shows made me do a second-take on her. See, there’s something about white girls that Asian girls have problems holding up is the body structure. We’re not talking about breasts because there’s plenty of Asian girls with big boobs, but just the general curvatures, seems like Asian girls – NO MATTER HOW FIT – don’t seem to be able to replicate. Even that 80 year-old-guy next to me was commenting to his wife (which made me laugh) how “sexy” the blond girl was on stage, haha 😀 It has been so long since I’ve done a take-two on white girls, I’ve long-gone past that stage of appreciating white girls. Probably since post high-school, I’ve gone back to loving my Asian girls.

The show was very thrilling because it was engaging while providing moments where you can just lie back and dream. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious who I dream about in those romantic moments of the show where the male singer is singing passionately and lovingly to a girl and even through rejection he continues to push forth. To me, that reaffirms that I need to be more strong and put up with the adversities which relationships bring. It dawned upon me that although the little physical contact that bebe shy’s away from, I have a feeling that through the 2 times I touched her hand, one time that I’ve held her hands, if you lined up a bunch of girls, blind-folded me and asked me which hands were hers, I’d probably figure it out 😛 See, they always do these things at pre-wedding or wedding parties, where they see how well they know their own husband/wife. Although bebe and I are far from being a “physically involved” couple, I’m pretty confident that I could tell her apart from just any other girl, haha. Maybe someone will challenge me at our wedding one day XD Every person has tell-tale signs that give themselves off. I think I’d be able to hug out, hand-touch, voice-recognize and smell which girl is bebe. It’s not like I’ve ever (and if I did I’d probably get slapped) purposefully sniffed out bebe, but every girl has a very distinct scent that I’d be able to know whether it’s really her ^__^

So yep, in about 8 hours I have a morning meeting (urg), so I better get to sleep. Thanks for checking in, period-content to come soon! Still so many days before bebe’s back here in my arms, but I have my own holidays to look forward to and then survive another month afterward before her return! Every day gone is one day closer to the beginning of a nice new life for us, happily ever after 🙂

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