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Self-Confidence: Renewal Plan

After many long conversations with friends and loved-ones yesterday, I’ve finally decided to take a new plan of action and start taking control of my life – or well, at least things that I can decide upon. Ever since high-school, I’ve had a fairly bad self-image physically of myself. Through a combination of poor diet, lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle lead me to lose my boyish good-looks and fit body. Yes, that is right, I was a cross-country runner, track-and-field participant, sprinter, cyclist, tennis-player, basketball-player, volleyball-player the list could go on.. I was always out, never at home. So anyways, of course paired with puberty, I grew… both upwards AND sideways. I’ve told myself, that I will forbid my (future) kids from ever eating cafeteria food as that just compounded the problem. I wanted to “fit in” – not be the kid who always packed a lunch and that’s what screwed me today. Nevertheless, I went from being the guy that all the girls wanted to “hang out with after school” and “wanted to invite to the school dance” to the fat Asian kid. It was traumatizing.

Even currently, the shame and self-doubt sticks with me. I admittedly for the past years, been a person who lacked self-confidence, physically, about myself. Many older women have a thing for me, but not ones my age or younger. Ones who have their own children always want to set me up with their daughter(s). In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.

As of Saturday, October 16th 2010, I stand by myself that I need to re-evaluate my own perception. Given that so many people have such a positive view of me, both personality and those who do admire my manly and handsome look – I question myself how I can’t even get over myself. For the past while, my anguish of lack-of-self-confidence was deepened by my receding hairline and thinning hair. For the past year I’ve worried, had nightmares and cried over my changes in hair growth, a once lush-head full of hair. I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ll tell you why. The lack of self-confidence really damages me. Confidence has an aura of its own. Truth be told, I know a guy who weighs 60lbs more than me, is not even as fit as I am, is not particularly “attractive” and man, the girls he pulls in is amazing. I ask myself how.

How can a guy who doesn’t meet what most women would consider to be their “physical criteria” have such attraction? Don’t lie to yourself. The first time you saw your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other, the first thing you looked at was his/her body and face… don’t even bullshit about it. My friend, he’s a confident man. He acts like he’s good looking and it WORKS. His confidence in himself and his willingness to not see a girl being “out of his league” amazes me. I’m a bit self-aware… I date girls or will chase after girls who “match” with me. I won’t go for a girl who is too low or too high in social status. I won’t go for a girl who is too unpretty or too pretty. I won’t go for a girl who is in a career where it puts my career to shame. The list could go on, but I never try to “overextend” myself is what I’m trying to get at. I know what I have to offer and of course I’d look for a girl who isn’t miles ahead of me – because I’d be setting myself to be crushed.

For the past few months as my hair began to recede, I became not only sad, but annoyed. I think for 2 weeks, I couldn’t even bare looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked, I’d subconsciously glance at my hair too. It’s thinning – there’s no doubt. The last time I got a hair cut, my bangs were down past my eyes. This time, my bangs were only down to my eyebrows and wasn’t as thick as last time. I’m so fucking tired of it. I will say, I respect the fact bebe likes hair – most girls do. I understand that having hair makes you appear younger and physically attractive. However, my hair loss isn’t something I desire and it’s already hard enough as it is. For her to tell me she “really wants hair on me” hurts a lot – a whole fucking lot. That’d be like me telling her you need to shave your armpits (whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.. I never bothered looking, it was just an example). People grow hair, not grow hair or lose hair, regardless of where on their body because it’s their body-at-work, not a choice. I love my hair, I do and I wouldn’t want to be without it, but I also don’t want that being held against me. I love bebe for who she is, not because of “portions” of her.

Today, I am a brand new me and I’ve already seen the effects of it. Allowing myself to let my confidence show has made my day amazing. Last night, I decided I had enoguh with dealing with my hair and all the negativity surrounding the way I looked. Yesterday, I went to Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls and had a make-over. I stocked my closet with some new clothes, both casual and business-suitable attire. I can flip between a “young and trendy look” to a “smart, professional, clean look” by mixing and matching. Fashion helps change a person’s appearance immensely. I woke up in the morning looking at my mushroom-hair on my head and got my hair cut short. No, it’s not quite like a buzz-cut or even anything close to a “shave” – it’s just trimmed, short and SEXY. Yes, that’s right, I called myself sexy for the first time in ages because I FELT it. I left the hair stylist with new cut, the first time ever that I’ve let someone “take full control” on my head. She did a fantastic job. I got home to change as I was scheduled to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. I finally dared to look myself in the mirror today – the style fits my head so well – doesn’t make me look like I’m losing hair and fits my face. Shit, who’s that nice guy staring back at me in the mirror? I felt charged. It has been so long since I’ve stared at the mirror in self-confidence. I feel like a new me. Today – I am not ugly, I am an attractive young man, hoping to win the hearts of girls (ok well I lied, just girl 😛 bebe… lol).

Where does confidence come from? Not from others, but yourself. I haven’t smiled in quite a while as I walked around. Shit be told, the act of feeling confident is almost as good as looking like a model. When my friends and I hit the mall afterward, I seriously swear I strutted as I walked. I had so much confidence and assurance in myself that I didn’t feel shy or self-aware. When my friends and I were trying on some clothes, I talked to some of the girls who stood around waiting to change and even the salesgirl. I glowed, I really did. I didn’t feel as if I wasn’t “good enough” to speak to them, her and I were just the same -a human being, no judgments. There were maybe some exchanges of implied compliments and it was nice. It was nice not to feel ugly and whether I am or not – that wasn’t the point, my appearance and aura of self-confidence was enough to make a girl smile. I suddenly realized how my friend gets the girls… just not worrying about oneself is golden, because a girl can tell apart of a man with confidence from one who does not. As unattractive physically as a man with confidence may be, it’s not any better for an attractive man with no confidence.

I am truly happy today because after a very engaging talking with family and friends, I decided I need to change my approach to myself. I am a good guy, I’m a guy deserving of a sweet girl, I’m professional, I’m handsome, I’m intelligent and I’m interesting. I need to drop my “I’m not good enough”attitude because I actually am good enough. I’m a respectful human being and I should treat myself and others as such. I am not any “better” nor any “worse” than the next guy. I am born with a “normal” body, I have all 5-sense intact, I am healthy and I have a mind which can think and a heart which can love. I am in fact, luckier than many individuals on the face of the planet who have been unfortunately deprived of these things. I am a fortunate person and I should take advantage of the fact I am blessed with this. I need to learn to be satisfied, but at the same time, strive to do better. I am now full-out concentrated on improving my self-image, confidence and continue chasing after bebe. She’s no longer going to set me back by saying she wants a guy with hair, because I’m going to make a stand. She can’t just make it the center-of-attention in our relationship – I need to make it clear to her I care about her for who she is and she really needs to get over these physical things which we can’t control. One day, she will lose figure, her beautiful body won’t be there, her hair will turn white, but guess what? I WILL STILL, love her the same way I do now, if not only stronger. I guess some people saw me as being a bit weak, that I let too many things that bebe “wants” affecting me and hurting my self-image and confidence. Today I’m rising to say that despite what she “wants” or “desires” I’m going to display myself as an upstanding and handsome individual deserving of her love – because I will return the same to her.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed, happy, satisfied and strong. It’s going to be a long week as I’m involved in an intensive 5-day course out in Mississauga. It’s 9 hours every day, just session time, and about 1 1/2 hours of driving each way (due to traffic). It has been almost 2 months since she’s left and there’s still 4 more to go. However, I will wait for her because my heart tells me she’s the right girl. There are some things and some people who are worth fighting and waiting for – and she’s one of them. They’ll be lots of competition and lots of courting to happen. I need to reassure her I am good enough for her and that she can feel secure with me. There’s probably a lot of doubt in her mind about whether we will truly get along in a relationship and what the course of her life is and whether she’s doing the right/wrong thing by committing herself to me. I need her to know that just because she may not date other guys or have been in relationships before, that doesn’t mean she’s “missed out” but rather, won the lottery on the first try and that she doesn’t have to go through the pains of a long-term relationship break-up! I want her to know I’m prepared to be a part of her family and friends and that I will represent “us” in good nature.

I stand strong. I cannot allow others to damage my confidence and belief in myself. I am a capable person. I need to allow my image to change and reflect the person who I really am. I need to accept and appreciate positive comments from others. I need to believe their words more than I believe mine. If a girl says I am good looking, I will smile, thank her, and believe in it – not doubt her or think that she’s saying it with an ulterior motive or sarcasm. When someone says “you are a nice guy” to me, I will think, “Hey ya, I’m a pretty nice guy.” I need to STOP with this lack of self-confidence. The only way to make others believe in me is to believe in myself first and foremost. To allow a girl to feel secure with me, I have to be secure of myself. To show I’m not a wussy and that I am a MAN, I do need to not allow bebe’s words harm my image of myself just because I don’t have a full-set of hair. I asked many of my married friends, what if today, your husband or wife changed in appearance, what would you do? All of them without a thought said it’d make no difference. This is what I want bebe to see… me, not of the outer shell, but the inner-heart. This is also what I see of her… not the outer shell, but the inner beauty. It’s unfair for me to compare to her to others because every person has their strengths and weaknesses, where they glow and where they fall short. I think any girl I’ve been with will have a very tough time matching the same physical beauty as my ex-ex “L”… she is the most physically attractive girl I’ve ever truly known (celebrities don’t count, I don’t “know” them). I used to use L as my standard for girls. Every girl henceforth needs to at least be as hot/cute as L, otherwise they’re not worth my time. Suffice to say, you cannot take one girl and compare it to another, it’s just not damn fair. Suffice to say, just because one day when bebe compares me to another husband/boyfriend of one of her friends who may be more attractive or has more hair than me, doesn’t make me any worse of a person! When people ask me what bebe look like, I tell them that she is an extremely beautiful woman because that’s what she is to me. I do not say, “Oh, compared to ____ she’s not as ____” There’s no need to compare and yes, the grass will always be greener on the other side. Be satisfied and you will achieve happiness.

Shit, I gotta get sleeping now so I can meet my coworkers at the car-pool. Blog updates might be a bit sketchy for the week. Will bid you all a good night 🙂 Confidence > ALL!

Looks like I might spend some extra time in the mirror tomorrow smiling and saying, “Ohhhhh ya, just like the old days – handsome me!”

Learning About My Own Body Through Acupuncture

Waking up this morning was dreadful in a way, knowing I had to go to acupuncture agian, lol. Yes yes, why bitch about something I chose to do, but the reality is sometimes you need to do things you ought to do even if it’s not exactly what you want. My acupuncture treatment and body-cleaner has been going well and results are no-less-than astonishing. The TCM doctor told me that after 3 days of taking her herbs, my hair strands will have had time to strength and already have a noticeably less fall-out rate. By the morning of day 4 of my treatment, looking at my pillow I already noticed! Isn’t that crazy? I suppose although acupuncture wasn’t an “experience of a lifetime” for me, it sure as hell shows results when paired with herbal concoctions.

I have been accusomted to TCM practices since I was young, so the smell and bitterness does not bother me at all. If there are things that I see results, I’m immediately given the motivation to follow-through. That’s my problem, I’m one of those people who make and expect quick decisions/results. Why do many of my work-out plans fail over? Because I don’t see results. Yes, this is foolish indeed, but sometimes by seeing results, that is where the motivation comes from. Likewise, this week, other than shitting myself crazy, I feel great, so I have the willpower to continue enduring the smelly drinks and needles jabbed in me.

Through recommendation of my TCM Doctor (henceforth denoted as TCMDR) I had my hair cut short so that way she could visibly see where I have less hair to figure out where the problem lies. Speaking of haircut, I woke up 2 hours early just to get out to Mississauga in time to go to this new stylist I’ve never been to. It’s in a small mall and we’ve often passed it when I go buy computer parts, but have never got my hair done there. For the past 6 years I have gone to a single stylist but unfortunately, she has gone to China for this month. I had to wake-up early so I could “beat the rush” since that place is apparently very popular. When we got there, it was 10:10AM and the place opens at 10:00AM. There were already 6 people in front of us – holy! Also, I live a considerable distance, about a 35-minute drive to Mississauga, so I had to get up and leave my house early.

This is one of those places most people would consider a “high-class stylist shop” – more so than the $6 cuts in Chinatown Toronto and $10 in Koreatown. When I walked in, my first look was obviously the price-list. Holy crap was all I had to say, lol… but I already committed myself to getting my hair done there, so the price was a moot point. From the moment I sat down, there was definitely a feeling of “you get what you pay for.” The seats were comfortable, the decor was great, the relaxing ambient helped me feel at-ease and the stylists were clearly the-best-of-the-best at their job. I remember one time, my girl-friend mentioned that when she got her hair done at a really nice place, the scalp massage and hair-wash was amazing. Just the way she had her hair-stroked and rubbed totally turned her on and she could feel herself “getting wet” (down there). I mocked her at how someone could be turned on by a haircut – but no doubt, as the girl ran her hands through my hair, washed it (5 times… yes, FIVE) and massaged my scalp, I swear I was in a hair-cut-bliss. Although I didn’t quite get turned on like my friend did, I could certainly see why a girl may have such a reaction! If I had imagined and dreamed that it was bebe running her cute fingers through my hair, maybe I would’ve been more excited, LOL.

At first, I was very skeptical to get a short cut due to my lack-of-hair (so I thought, but clearly I have lots of hair it appears, LOL). She said that it would be very hard for me to keep my hair long because I don’t have “manageable hair” and would look terrible on me. She said however given I’m the customer, my wish is her command. I told her that I trusted her expert-opinion and to style my hair in a way that fits my (fat) face. I have this habit of closing my eyes while (any) stylist cuts my hair so I can “surprize myself” when I open my eyes. I could feel the hair falling off my head, it made me grimace at how short she’s going to cut it. When she told me she was done, I opened my eyes and wow… there I was – a new man staring back at myself. I was so happy, because it really did make me look (limited, lol) handsome and manly. I commented on how happy I was with what she chose and just as the stylist promised, wouldn’t even show my “lack of hair” one bit!

When we paid, I left her a nice tip because of how wonderful she made me felt. Yes, at first I was already staring at the prices which made me puke, but now it was all worth it – you do get what you pay for! Before meeting up with some friends for lunch to celebrate an ‘uncles’ birthday, I went to buy some Chinese food from the nearby supermarket. Lunch was great but we had to leave early to get out to North York to where the TCMDR was located. While it’s a long drive from my house, it’s a much shorter drive from Mississauga. There were massive traffic jams on one of the highways, so knowing some alternate routes, we bypassed probably a large majority of the traffic and arrived much earlier than anticipated, only taking 32 minutes to get there! Luckily there were vacancies, so my treatment began. This time I received 16 needles on the back-side and 9 on the front. It was less painful this time because the needles weren’t inserted into places that were as sensitive and I had her “realign” one of the ones that I felt discomfort on this time. It was quite comfortable this time as I had practicality fallen asleep, lol. No doubt, the needles going in hurt as usual and immediately rendered a numbing sensation, but being more relaxed and knowing what to expect this time helped my muscles loosen up.

At the end of the treatment, it is followed by a very tough massage session. When I say tough, it means that she squeezes me with so much power that I actually scream and yelp. I guess not a lot of my readers know me in person, but I do have quite the tolerance for pain. When Iwas young, my parents used to discipline me using “Chinese methods” such as belts, bamboo sticks, rulers and wood planks, so I am quite resistant to pain. I have been kicked in the nose, hit in the nuts (glad I can still have kids, haha), fallen on a steel chain, etc. and have little verbal reaction… yet when she did this “massage”, I couldn’t help but grunt on the pain and breathe in and out heavily trying to resist hitting her back (haha – natural body reaction when someone hurts you). As soon as it started, it ended and my body muscles relaxed after such excruciating pain.

I was given a plethora of natural remedies this time, without the regular Chinese herbal medicine. I knew this was definitely going to cost me, but she was very honest and said this is only meant to be a once-a-year once-every-other-year treatment! It’s a colon and liver cleansing solution, meant to detoxify your body and primary organs. She assured me it’s not going to be something you do regularly (and at such a high-cost). I have seen my dad do naturopathic treatments before and I know it is expensive as shit – but I really want to get my act together and commit myself to being healthy for once. At the end of the day, the bill came to $300 (~ 930rm conversion for my Malaysian readers :P) and we’ll see whether it is worth it! I know that many might think of this as being ripped off or taken advantage of, but I’ll tell you this – when you can FEEL and KNOW something is working well for you, then it’s all worth it. If I had felt no response to her treatments, I obviously would not accept. Also, she is a practical doctor and honest and has mentioned that after 2-3 months, I will no longer need to see her on a regular basis again. If 2-3 months of treatment will buy me good health – so be it. My health is important to me because I have a responsibility to take care of my mom and family. My health is important to me because I care about bebe and want to be strong, healthy and live-long to take care of her. I care about her with all my heart and if my health were to fail, it would affect her tremendously. To maintain your health is not only for yourself, but for everyone around you!

I am now “enrolled” in a 7-day clensing treatment which involves in a regiment of supplements each day, along with a piss-load (literally) of water to drink. Also, for seven days I should not be consuming any meat, fish, dairy product or eggs. I am a meat lover and to consider not having that for a week, I mind as well shoot myself. Ah yes, I just clean out my gun the other day – I guess I can put it to good use now 😐 However, I’m driving myself to stick with it, it’s only SEVEN days of 365 days in a year! I have a week of alternatives lined-up already, so I’ll survive. Each time I feel stupid or angry about how I could let myself get into a situation where I’m restricted what I’m allowed to eat, I remind myself I’m doing this for bebe. She gives me the power to be strong to stay healthy and fit. She gives me the power to do what I could never thought was possible. She gives me the reason to make sure I have the ability to take care of her, her family and our family!

I learned a lot about myself through this TCMDR because she takes time to teach her patients and answers inquiries. The reason why I have such a huge requirement for meat is because my body is so full of toxins and toxins thrive on meat to give us a false-sense of satisfaction. I feel bloated even when I eat small amounts of food or drink a bit of water because the toxin is affecting my digestive system’s ability to recognize hungry/full. The toxins cripple my ability to stay hydrated even when I actually consume enough water. My hair is dry, brittle and falls out easily because the toxins live off of the liver and kidney, both which regulate scalp regularity. By cleaning out these toxins from my liver and colon, I am helping them stay healthy, resume regular operations and my entire body as a whole benefits.

I will feel less desire to consume large portions of meat since the regular human body can survive off of fruits and vegetables. My appetite will reduce to normality since the toxins aren’t acting against my feeling of being full/hungry. I will thin down because my body will start to burn fat and metabolize matter properly. All these things are so important to day-to-day health which we ignore, either out of ignorance or lack-of-knowledge. She applauded me because I’m one of these feel ‘youngens’ who take time to appreciate our health which so many young people take for granted. She gives me hope that through my decisive action to go through this that I will reap the rewards of good health. It is of course any “business person” would say to make you feel good – but the reality is I can feel the difference it has made already for the ONE WEEK I’ve experienced this and no one can tell me that it’s “just a gimmick.”

So I returned home for the night because it’s an exhausting drive. As usual, the highway was packed with cars but luckily I know enough of the roads in Toronto, Scarborough, Markham, North York and Mississauga to duck through the jams and make my way home in about a bit over an hour. My mom decided not to cook and gave me “one last meal with meat” (lol) by ordering pizza. I just took my first drink of the detox liquids tonight and it definitely tasted good 😛 It’s a kiwi flavour, lol. For some odd reason, the stuff burns my throat as it went down, guess it is indicative of the effect it has once it reaches my intestines.

Anyways, we’ll know more after a week of doing this and hopefully I’ll survive for 7 days. I wanna get this done-and-over-with before the “core” of the summer hits. I want to go to the nice Italian restaurant in the hotel @ Niagara-on-the-Lake with bebe so I want to have the “full accessibility” of what to eat rather than losing like 75% of my food options, lol. Speaking of which, as of July, I have already spent a shitload of money. Of course just the TCM alone cost quite a bit, but also this morning I also bought a new mattress. Mine’s getting old and it’s about time for a replacement. Not sure why whenever I have to “spend money” it is all at once, lol.

I’m getting tired but I’m going to go join Ally on BlogTV for a bit 😛 It’ll be my first time and I refuse to go on cam, haha… but I’ll happily talk 😀 Going to sleep after this then!

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