So I just got back to work, after spending about 3 hours with my bebe. The past few days walking into work, other than looking like a dump from being sick, I was asked by several of the girls at work, “Why the mopey look on your face?” … and THREE of them used the exact same expression, mopey. I rather like “mixing it up” when it comes to time we spend together, because for weeks we would see each other once on Saturday for the whole day. I’d much rather be more of a “dynamic” couple, seeing each other maybe on a set day + random days and random times. Of course it’s kind of hard since I have to play by her schedule a lot due to her awkward sleeping patterns, but on the occasion she will wake up early for me which is always a treat, like today! I do like Saturdays because it’s flexible, the next day isn’t a work day, giving us time to spend as little or as much time that is fitting. Nevertheless, having something to look forward to mid-week makes days so much better and removes the monotony of a work-week.
I just walked back into my office and it wasn’t like I acted any differently, but the girls were just out at the back door enjoying the summer weather and they were all teasing me about looking like “life has been brought back to me” as just a few hours ago when they saw me, I looked like shit. Since I never tell people where I’m going (especially when I sneak off with bebe during an unclaimed work-day), they were all like, “Gee, you look so happy you look like you just finished having sex with your girlfriend” and they teased me for a good few minutes, making me totally red in the face. Suffice to say, bebe and I didn’t just finish having sex, although we did finish having lunch, LOL. As different as the pleasure may be between sex and food, it still made me a new man. I feel renewed and yes, I’m still coughing my lungs up, but deep down inside I’m quite happy.
We went to check out a local employment centre I was recommended to seek by some co-workers, so she applied to a couple of jobs. Today I was really trying hard to be on my best behaviour, I by “best” – I mean trying to avoid her feel under pressure. As she was doing her forms, I walked away to give her space rather than breathing down her neck and I made sure I was distant enough where she wouldn’t feel like I’m monitoring what she’s doing. I kept myself occupied for quite a while until she finished her initial stages of the application. The second phase was to search for jobs in the binder that suited what she wanted and also that she had the experience to fill. I sat next to her and grabbed a different binder to read through the jobs for my own interest while she browsed and filled out the applications to specific jobs. As we finished up, we left the building and decided where to go for lunch.
We opted for something close-by and ended up going to eat Vietnamese food. We had some decent conversations in the car and at the restaurant and she even took the initiative to start a conversations while driving, which was very nice for once! As we neared the end of the meal, I was trying to finish up my coffee quickly since I could tell she was getting antsy. Of course it was also hard for me to rush it because it was slow-filter coffee and I was already pushing down on the filter to get the water to run through it quicker. It was even annoying for me waiting for my drink to be prepared while bebe had to sit there and fiddle since there wasn’t much to do or look at, so I don’t blame her. Waiting while someone’s drink is slowly filtering isn’t very exciting, lol. I know she was trying to pay, so I had to make sure I was prepared. I did let her pay the extra coins at the end and the tip, but just she was trying to be all “independent” this time, she insisted on pouring her own tea and stuff. I’m not sure whether she’s just trying to contribute or she wants to create this ‘separation’ and shit like that… or perhaps I’m too babying of her? Oddly enough Poh Ching and I are just talking about babying girls and stuff since it’s the right thing for a guy to do ^__^
Poh Ching has the same funny (well, if you want to call it funny) issues with her boytoy right now and I do with bebe, trying to bring that nice “dependence” together and removing that “guilt” of doing something for each other. Likewise, when I do things for bebe, she shouldn’t need to feel guilty as if she’s using me or that she finds it “hard to accept” that a guy would enjoy and feel honoured to do something on her behalf. I actually enjoy doing things for bebe, whether it’s giving her a massage, helping her run errands or doing things around the house… I think all the years of independence and feeling as if it’s a “weakness” to need someone else to help you has been drilled into her too much. Some girls see a guy feeding her as being stupid or if she’s crippled – other girls see a guy feeding her as being romantic and emotion-generating. Bebe likes to point out to me a lot that she doesn’t want me to think that she’s using me because of the things I do for her and really, I don’t believe that she does/would use me – she’s just not that type of person. Furthermore, let’s just say IF she is using me, I’d still be more than willing (and perhaps some may claim foolish) to LET her use me, because it makes me feel good either way. Yes yes, love is blind and sometimes stupid, haha 😆
Even though we cut the date short today, I transferred a movie to her which she wanted me to get so she can watch on her own. I did also ask whether she wanted help with anything else in which she responded “yes” (yay) and gave me a few extra minutes to be with her and show her I care! I would say that after all the kerfuffle we had on Saturday, today went pretty good. The smile she gave me even when I walked through the door was super nice and I think she’s just a bit embarrassed about what she said/happened more than I am. I try to be one of those “forgive and forget” type of person, I might be boiling in the heat-of-the-moment but I can’t stay mad at her long. I also dislike carrying grudges and stuff like that, unless it’s a major incident, so usually by the next time I see someone, I act as if nothing negative has happened at all and that’s how I approached her this time. Obviously in her mind she may think how terrible and awkward it might be to see each other so soon, but everything felt just like normal for me, although I had to resist the urges to put my hands on her.
Again, I tried hard to respect her need for space and I’m not sure how she viewed my actions. Perhaps she may misunderstand that I’m angry or upset with her and that’s why I try not to stay parallel with her or something or that I walk away from things. If I’m by her, I’ll feel the need to hold her or ‘take care’ of her or something like that. At least if I walk in front or behind (preferably in front), I don’t have that physical proximity to her and also trying to avoid making HER feel pressured. I don’t want to appear “standoff-ish” by being too distant, I’m only trying to give her that space she needs before she feels comfortable enough again to be ‘closer’ to me. Of course I don’t explicitly tell her these things, so I only hope that she understands what I’m trying to do. I guess I can’t determine this time whether the hug felt the same, after all, there’s germs all over my body and I’m not sure whether she kept it short and distant because of that or whether she still feels shy about that whole conversation we had. Either way, I’m just darn happy we got to see each other and that she’s still allowing me to see her.
My heart feels a lot better now that I see that she’s “ok” with things and that we can stand hang around each other. I am of course hoping that it was the whole germs/coughing thing that kept her away, since even the last time before I left her place after she gave me ‘the talk’ (lol, I’ve named it that, haha), she gave me a super tight and sweet hug, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to be more distant this time than last. I do have a pretty bad cough, so I wouldn’t doubt that she wants to stay healthy herself and I shouldn’t be too blaming over that! I just get mixed signals from her because it’s like she ‘motioned’ for the hug since she put down the things she was holding that way she could embrace me, so it was a situation of almost like half-wanting it, half-not. Again, trying to understand women is like trying to define the meaning of life, haha. Ok, rather than me dwelling on something small like our hug, I’m just going to concentrate on these hurdles we have to get through. I figured this would be a good week to give to herself, so we’ve postponed activities to next week, particularly when I’m feeling good enough where I’m not coughing so hard it makes me want to pee myself.
As I was leaving, she whispered that she hopes that I, “Get well soon…” which made me melt completely. Because bebe is not a particularly expressive person and she doesn’t like it when she has to explicitly express herself,for her to choke out something like that is hard for her. Over time, this has been something that I’ve just adopted to, I used to try her to get her to say things rather than just implicitly doing something. Just like last time when she returned into city because she wanted to spend time with me and her period started (which she knows I love), I asked her, “Did you return for me?”… I know she did, but I asked because some things I “like to hear”… to the contrary, she’s one of those people who like to, “Do it and not be high-profile over it.” She kind of reminds me of the way my dad loved the family, he’d do all sorts of things that showed he loved us, but would never wear it on the corner of his lips. My mom on the other hand (who I follow after when it comes to this type of stuff) like to be “reminding” of the things. As I was walking away and she said that, I turned around to ask her what she said (because I had my bluetooth headset plugged in already which cancels out exterior noise) and she repeatedly it very quietly with that shy/embarrassed look on her face. It almost killed me and I could’ve fainted on the street, LOL! I acted very nonchalant, said thank you and continued walking, but deep down inside I felt like that happiest person ever, haha. Although being sick from all this stuff that’s happened isn’t exactly great, but just to hear those words-of-care made it all worth while!
I know that working our way up again will be hard, just like any other time, but there’s one thing that’s for sure is that this is a great experience for both of us, because it not only makes our relationship stronger, but also gives us that endurance to know that life is not meant to be easy and that with HOPE, PERSISTENCE and LOVE, it is able to overcome the most troubling things that life can throw at us. Initial failure is kind of like our body’s immune system. When never subjected to infection, germs and bacteria – a single illness would make us gravely ill or on our deathbed. When a person is subjected to safe amounts of immunization, infection, germs and bacteria, our body becomes stronger and can deal with sickness better. As hard as trying to make this relationship work has been, I’m sure BOTH of us know very well that if we are able to make it past these rough stages, it’ll all work out in the end and be extremely rewarding. I think it’s with that “vision” of success which helps us stand up every time we fall. I’m very lucky and blessed to have a girl like bebe in my life and if there’s anything that I feel lucky to have in this life besides my family, is her!
I just stepped out to the washroom as I was typing this post and the girls at work are still grinning at me from knowing that I must’ve had a wonderful time with my bebe to return to work in such a cheery mood! They’re right though about happiness being hard to hide. For the guys and maybe the “experienced” girls who know men well, for a few days I actually had “problems” getting excited over bebe… in fact, I felt no motivation to satisfy myself. However, I can already feel excited over bebe again and that my heart it once again filled with JOY and I feel RELAXED. I’m sure those who know, a guy usually will need something very devastating to happen in his life before he loses the will to “enjoy himself” – because most guys enjoy that very much! To not be able to do that indicates some severe problems and now that I feel that sigh-of-happiness to sit back and fantasize about my sweetheart again, I know that my body is slowly returning to normal and along with bebe’s well wishes, I feel like I can battle the world 🙂
I’m always a person who strives to be a better person and to engage in self-improvement. God only knows that I have a long way before I achieve it, but every little steps count. As you can tell, every once in a while I’ll blog like mad and other times, I don’t feel the same motivation. In a way, I feel like I let down the theme of my blog whenever I can’t come up with something on-topic. Let’s be real, even if every single day I updated something on my blog about menstruation and did it for the next 10 years, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up with it, but of course my brain hardly has the capacity to know that much about it. When I overburden my blog with personal posts, I feel as if I’m suffocating my period-related posts – ACK, what a dilemma.
There are times when I think back 20 years ago, when my family and I struggled (compared to today) to keep our bills paid, food on the table and roof over our head. How far we have came since then where we now have a house, car (cars at one point), luxury goods, money for entertainment, etc. yet I’m not quite sure whether our happiness has truly increased. I would dare say that when we didn’t have so much, life’s expectations seemed to be more easily fulfilled and as such, happiness seemed to be found easier. Back then, going to a beach with a ball and a picnic basket full of food seemed to me like as if I won the lottery. Now, it seems like happiness is harder to find because now we expect so-much-more to satisfy those same needs. Likewise, a McDonald’s fries was a luxury meal and now, even when I’m eating abalone (an expensive Asian delicacy), it makes me want something better. While I think it’s very normal to have goals and strive for things, do we not find happiness as easy to achieve as we “progress” in life and social status?
I really can’t remember who I found this off of, I think it was Poh Ching (only because she spams her Facebook wall regularly with stuff that I can’t even keep up), but it really made me think how we can be happy synthetically. This isn’t a matter of smiling and pretending you’re happy when you’re not, but it’s about accepting what we have as the “easier way out” and yet, still feeling happy with our choices in the end. It kind of made me laugh because I think if bebe just sucked it up and stuck it out with me long enough, she could synthetically be happy with me and in the end, be really happy since happiness and satisfaction itself can be fictitiously generated by our brains. It was an interesting thought and obviously a natural goal would be for her to truly, genuinely care for me like I do for her, but in the worst case scenario, synthetic happiness with me wouldn’t be a poor alternative given it develops into emotional and psychological happiness in time. You may be completely perplexed at what the hell i’m talking about, but it’ll make sense once you watch this. She may always think about whether she could’ve ended up with a better guy, but if she settled for me and her psychological immune system kicked in, she may realize I’m not that bad… HAHAHA:
http://www.ted.com Dan Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, challenges the idea that well be miserable if we dont get what we want. Our “psychological immune system” lets us feel truly happy even when things dont go as planned.
TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world’s leading thinkers and doers are invited to give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes — including speakers such as Jill Bolte Taylor, Sir Ken Robinson, Hans Rosling, Al Gore and Arthur Benjamin. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, and TEDTalks cover these topics as well as science, business, politics and the arts. Watch the Top 10 TEDTalks on TED.com, at
Some random thoughts of the week…. Thursday we got a call from that friend I helped to study in Canada telling me that his parents will we leaving back to Hong Kong on Saturday and wanted to have another dinner with us. This time, they chose a Japanese all-you-can-eat place in our city’s downtown. I mean seriously, 4 buffets over a course of two weeks is a bit intense but sigh, can’t really reject when someone’s doing a pre-flight gathering. Of course I went nuts on the Sashimi and also because apparently that girl (refer to this post if you forgot and care) likes the same type of Japanese food as I do, it was awesome that we sat across from each other to split food since a lot of the other people didn’t dare eat the same stuff we did 😀
One thing I must say though, taking a bit of time to freshen yourself up and put on some decent clothes (it’s not about price, it’s about matching your look/style/enhancing assets/reducing flaws), that one can look really good. I remember when I met her the first time a few weeks ago, she wasn’t really that particular, but this time that she wore something that fit her well, she looked a lot better than last time. I think that’s the thing with girls – all it takes is a bit of maintenance (not even requiring make-up), and it really makes a huge difference. I guess it would be like the equivalent of a guy who normally has a clean shave and lets it grow for half a year and then he looks like he’s some bum off the street. She definitely had a nice look this time and there was no make-up on, which is nice because it’s not really necessary for naturally beautiful girls (like bebe :P) to look nice. As usual, I simply appreciate the girl’s beauty, but I’m not in love with her like I am with another special girl – I’m a good boy, see? 😆 One of those go-to-far-feminists will probably say, “We don’t have to look good just on the account of men!”… well true enough – but all I’m saying is that with some at-home maintenance before you go out, girls can look like a totally different person!
Today was nothing particularly exciting, but relaxing. We went out early morning to do the usual pulse-testing and get this weeks herbal. Still trying to tackle the oily scalp issue as that’s definitely the primary cause of my hair shedding. I will have to give it to her that my hair is thicker now at the top, but the receding hairline, sides and back are still a concern. However, I think with MPB, the typical loss is at the top which makes styling very hard when you have a huge gaping hole in your head. With hair on the top, it makes styling much easier as you can do a close shave along the back and sides, leaving only the top and if you have enough hair, it is simply a “style”. Even though I still see hair shedding and some thinning at the front, I’m trying to keep-my-cool and stay positive. I’m also trying to remember that I can be synthetically happy – “Losing hair isn’t that bad, I just have to change my haircut or shave it completely in the worst case!” … but the reality is that bebe has made me really self-conscious of my hair because she loves it so much. I try to generate that psychological immunity to believing it’s ok even if it happens but can’t get over the fact that I will disappoint her in the future. Maybe subconsciously it’s also why I’m trying to push the relationship along, so that she learns to love something concentrate about me, rather than the fuzz on my head. I do admit I love my hair and would save it if I could, but I also won’t die without it… however, I will probably die without bebe in my life because she’s important to me.
Anyways… back to a note of happiness, I was just going through Poh Ching’s blog as usual and found something directed at me!!! =O
Prexus, this post is for you!
You were right about the going out to meet people instead of wallowing in sadness alone at home!
It’s kind of nice to see that I’ve made a positive impact on someone’s life for once!
Normally when I reblog, I try to only do a snippet of it – but this is much too great to not honour the ENTIRE posting…
Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person. I found his comments from TV interviews so intriguing that I requested an interview with him to delve into the topic.Dr. Haltzman says even if we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person, says Dr. Haltzman, so you should assume you married the wrong person. That doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be successful, however.
“Most of us spend a lot of time filtering through possible mates in hopes that we will end up with the right match. Some people believe it’s an issue of finding a soul mate … the one true partner. Whether or not you enter into marriage believing your partner is THE one, you certainly believe he or she is A right person for you,” says Dr. Haltzman.
He explains that if the success of a marriage were based on making the right choice, then those who carefully chose a good match would continue to sustain positive feelings the majority of the time, and over a long period. The theory would be proven correct that choosing well leads to success. “But the divorce rate in and of itself stands as a great testament to the fallacy of that theory,” says Dr. Haltzman. Even the couples who remain married don’t describe themselves as completely happy with each other, he adds, but rather committed to one another.
“If we believe we must find the right person to marry, then the course of our marriage becomes a constant test to see if we were correct in that choice,” says Dr. Haltzman, adding that today’s culture does not support standing by our promises. Instead, he says we receive the repeated message, “You deserve the best.” These attitudes contribute to marital dissatisfaction, he says.
Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. A book called The Choice Paradox by Barry Schwartz shares research that flies in the face of conventional wisdom. (I will have another post about this topic soon, because there is much insight to glean.) I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.
“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”
That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:
- Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
- Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
- Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
- Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.
To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”
Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”
via Marriage Gems
I highly encourage you to read the comments of the entry as there are some insights that are real eye-openers…
I think deeply about what I’m trying to accomplish in my relationship life… I really want bebe to love me for the person I am, by showing her who I am… it doesn’t mean I think I’m perfect enough to be EVERYTHING that she wants, but I can say that I’m at least good enough to provide what she needs in a relationship…
I look at what is encouraged of us..
Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.
Absolutely… I will never say that I find absolutely 0 faults in who she is, but I feel she has many more positive qualities than I could even offset with negatives. We’re not perfect beings and I can certainly accept that there are things I may think whether I could tolerate in a life-long commitment, but I believe that with all the things I can love about her, I won’t even consider it being a deal-breaker.
Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.
This is my goal because I can’t keep simply looking for love and simply change from one girl to another… it’s a matter of showing bebe that I’m the right person, not that just she’s right for me. What REALISTIC things does she desire from a guy and I’ll try to fulfill it.
Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.
This I can already do… I haven’t given her and shown her all that I care for her, because I know it’ll be a while before I get the same affection in return. Nevertheless, just because I don’t receive, doesn’t mean I don’t give! The feeling of giving when you truly, deeply, madly (lol, song by Savage Garden…) care and love someone, you feel the need to show them, it’s not something humanly controllable – it simply is. She may wonder that albeit how she treats me why I can endure it, but because it’s an undeniable feeling of wanting to express myself regardless of whether there is gain for me.
Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.
This is a tough one when it comes to relationships because we’ll always want to put our own priorities and mentality first. I need to make improvements on this, because I want and need to be more considerate of her, yet still heeding to my own needs and happiness.
When I read the following excerpt, it almost shocked me to believe that what I feel to be true in our complex society, is not just something in my head and that there are those who professionally and scientifically, believe so…
Dr. Haltzman shared some research with me about the negative effects in our consumer society of having too many choices—which may lead to increased expectations and lower satisfaction. […] I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.
Thank you Poh Ching for allowing me to read such an amazing article… I always thought that, “I’m the only one who thinks like this…” – but the reality is that our happiness is right under our noses or that we want to believe there’s always something better when in turn, we may already own it. I am not blind to mine and bebe’s flaws… we both have them and to continually question ourselves if we can “always do better” is only sinking us into a whole and that’s why I’ve committed my soul and dedicated my years to come to chasing her until her heart will think of no other!
Life used to be so simple back when our parents were growing up… if you showed a person you loved them enough, they would love you in return – everlasting… now people want to “explore” so much they’ve lost the ability to feel emotions in return. People used to love realistically, now people love superficiality. We need to set our era’s back, because simple love, is the best and one true love.