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Happiness is Clearly Hard to Hide

So I just got back to work, after spending about 3 hours with my bebe. The past few days walking into work, other than looking like a dump from being sick, I was asked by several of the girls at work, “Why the mopey look on your face?” … and THREE of them used the exact same expression, mopey. I rather like “mixing it up” when it comes to time we spend together, because for weeks we would see each other once on Saturday for the whole day. I’d much rather be more of a “dynamic” couple, seeing each other maybe on a set day + random days and random times. Of course it’s kind of hard since I have to play by her schedule a lot due to her awkward sleeping patterns, but on the occasion she will wake up early for me which is always a treat, like today! I do like Saturdays because it’s flexible, the next day isn’t a work day, giving us time to spend as little or as much time that is fitting. Nevertheless, having something to look forward to mid-week makes days so much better and removes the monotony of a work-week.

I just walked back into my office and it wasn’t like I acted any differently, but the girls were just out at the back door enjoying the summer weather and they were all teasing me about looking like “life has been brought back to me” as just a few hours ago when they saw me, I looked like shit. Since I never tell people where I’m going (especially when I sneak off with bebe during an unclaimed work-day), they were all like, “Gee, you look so happy you look like you just finished having sex with your girlfriend” and they teased me for a good few minutes, making me totally red in the face. Suffice to say, bebe and I didn’t just finish having sex, although we did finish having lunch, LOL. As different as the pleasure may be between sex and food, it still made me a new man. I feel renewed and yes, I’m still coughing my lungs up, but deep down inside I’m quite happy.

We went to check out a local employment centre I was recommended to seek by some co-workers, so she applied to a couple of jobs. Today I was really trying hard to be on my best behaviour, I by “best” – I mean trying to avoid her feel under pressure. As she was doing her forms, I walked away to give her space rather than breathing down her neck and I made sure I was distant enough where she wouldn’t feel like I’m monitoring what she’s doing. I kept myself occupied for quite a while until she finished her initial stages of the application. The second phase was to search for jobs in the binder that suited what she wanted and also that she had the experience to fill. I sat next to her and grabbed a different binder to read through the jobs for my own interest while she browsed and filled out the applications to specific jobs. As we finished up, we left the building and decided where to go for lunch.

We opted for something close-by and ended up going to eat Vietnamese food. We had some decent conversations in the car and at the restaurant and she even took the initiative to start a conversations while driving, which was very nice for once! As we neared the end of the meal, I was trying to finish up my coffee quickly since I could tell she was getting antsy. Of course it was also hard for me to rush it because it was slow-filter coffee and I was already pushing down on the filter to get the water to run through it quicker. It was even annoying for me waiting for my drink to be prepared while bebe had to sit there and fiddle since there wasn’t much to do or look at, so I don’t blame her. Waiting while someone’s drink is slowly filtering isn’t very exciting, lol. I know she was trying to pay, so I had to make sure I was prepared. I did let her pay the extra coins at the end and the tip, but just she was trying to be all “independent” this time, she insisted on pouring her own tea and stuff. I’m not sure whether she’s just trying to contribute or she wants to create this ‘separation’ and shit like that… or perhaps I’m too babying of her? Oddly enough Poh Ching and I are just talking about babying girls and stuff since it’s the right thing for a guy to do ^__^

Poh Ching has the same funny (well, if you want to call it funny) issues with her boytoy right now and I do with bebe, trying to bring that nice “dependence” together and removing that “guilt” of doing something for each other. Likewise, when I do things for bebe, she shouldn’t need to feel guilty as if she’s using me or that she finds it “hard to accept” that a guy would enjoy and feel honoured to do something on her behalf. I actually enjoy doing things for bebe, whether it’s giving her a massage, helping her run errands or doing things around the house… I think all the years of independence and feeling as if it’s a “weakness” to need someone else to help you has been drilled into her too much. Some girls see a guy feeding her as being stupid or if she’s crippled – other girls see a guy feeding her as being romantic and emotion-generating. Bebe likes to point out to me a lot that she doesn’t want me to think that she’s using me because of the things I do for her and really, I don’t believe that she does/would use me – she’s just not that type of person. Furthermore, let’s just say IF she is using me, I’d still be more than willing (and perhaps some may claim foolish) to LET her use me, because it makes me feel good either way. Yes yes, love is blind and sometimes stupid, haha 😆

Even though we cut the date short today, I transferred a movie to her which she wanted me to get so she can watch on her own. I did also ask whether she wanted help with anything else in which she responded “yes” (yay) and gave me a few extra minutes to be with her and show her I care! I would say that after all the kerfuffle we had on Saturday, today went pretty good. The smile she gave me even when I walked through the door was super nice and I think she’s just a bit embarrassed about what she said/happened more than I am. I try to be one of those “forgive and forget” type of person, I might be boiling in the heat-of-the-moment but I can’t stay mad at her long. I also dislike carrying grudges and stuff like that, unless it’s a major incident, so usually by the next time I see someone, I act as if nothing negative has happened at all and that’s how I approached her this time. Obviously in her mind she may think how terrible and awkward it might be to see each other so soon, but everything felt just like normal for me, although I had to resist the urges to put my hands on her.

Again, I tried hard to respect her need for space and I’m not sure how she viewed my actions. Perhaps she may misunderstand that I’m angry or upset with her and that’s why I try not to stay parallel with her or something or that I walk away from things. If I’m by her, I’ll feel the need to hold her or ‘take care’ of her or something like that. At least if I walk in front or behind (preferably in front), I don’t have that physical proximity to her and also trying to avoid making HER feel pressured. I don’t want to appear “standoff-ish” by being too distant, I’m only trying to give her that space she needs before she feels comfortable enough again to be ‘closer’ to me. Of course I don’t explicitly tell her these things, so I only hope that she understands what I’m trying to do. I guess I can’t determine this time whether the hug felt the same, after all, there’s germs all over my body and I’m not sure whether she kept it short and distant because of that or whether she still feels shy about that whole conversation we had. Either way, I’m just darn happy we got to see each other and that she’s still allowing me to see her.

My heart feels a lot better now that I see that she’s “ok” with things and that we can stand hang around each other. I am of course hoping that it was the whole germs/coughing thing that kept her away, since even the last time before I left her place after she gave me ‘the talk’ (lol, I’ve named it that, haha), she gave me a super tight and sweet hug, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to be more distant this time than last. I do have a pretty bad cough, so I wouldn’t doubt that she wants to stay healthy herself and I shouldn’t be too blaming over that! I just get mixed signals from her because it’s like she ‘motioned’ for the hug since she put down the things she was holding that way she could embrace me, so it was a situation of almost like half-wanting it, half-not. Again, trying to understand women is like trying to define the meaning of life, haha. Ok, rather than me dwelling on something small like our hug, I’m just going to concentrate on these hurdles we have to get through. I figured this would be a good week to give to herself, so we’ve postponed activities to next week, particularly when I’m feeling good enough where I’m not coughing so hard it makes me want to pee myself.

As I was leaving, she whispered that she hopes that I, “Get well soon…” which made me melt completely. Because bebe is not a particularly expressive person and she doesn’t like it when she has to explicitly express herself,for her to choke out something like that is hard for her. Over time, this has been something that I’ve just adopted to, I used to try her to get her to say things rather than just implicitly doing something. Just like last time when she returned into city because she wanted to spend time with me and her period started (which she knows I love), I asked her, “Did you return for me?”… I know she did, but I asked because some things I “like to hear”… to the contrary, she’s one of those people who like to, “Do it and not be high-profile over it.” She kind of reminds me of the way my dad loved the family, he’d do all sorts of things that showed he loved us, but would never wear it on the corner of his lips. My mom on the other hand (who I follow after when it comes to this type of stuff) like to be “reminding” of the things. As I was walking away and she said that, I turned around to ask her what she said (because I had my bluetooth headset plugged in already which cancels out exterior noise) and she repeatedly it very quietly with that shy/embarrassed look on her face. It almost killed me and I could’ve fainted on the street, LOL! I acted very nonchalant, said thank you and continued walking, but deep down inside I felt like that happiest person ever, haha. Although being sick from all this stuff that’s happened isn’t exactly great, but just to hear those words-of-care made it all worth while!

I know that working our way up again will be hard, just like any other time, but there’s one thing that’s for sure is that this is a great experience for both of us, because it not only makes our relationship stronger, but also gives us that endurance to know that life is not meant to be easy and that with HOPE, PERSISTENCE and LOVE, it is able to overcome the most troubling things that life can throw at us. Initial failure is kind of like our body’s immune system. When never subjected to infection, germs and bacteria – a single illness would make us gravely ill or on our deathbed. When a person is subjected to safe amounts of immunization, infection, germs and bacteria, our body becomes stronger and can deal with sickness better. As hard as trying to make this relationship work has been, I’m sure BOTH of us know very well that if we are able to make it past these rough stages, it’ll all work out in the end and be extremely rewarding. I think it’s with that “vision” of success which helps us stand up every time we fall. I’m very lucky and blessed to have a girl like bebe in my life and if there’s anything that I feel lucky to have in this life besides my family, is her!

I just stepped out to the washroom as I was typing this post and the girls at work are still grinning at me from knowing that I must’ve had a wonderful time with my bebe to return to work in such a cheery mood! They’re right though about happiness being hard to hide. For the guys and maybe the “experienced” girls who know men well, for a few days I actually had “problems” getting excited over bebe… in fact, I felt no motivation to satisfy myself. However, I can already feel excited over bebe again and that my heart it once again filled with JOY and I feel RELAXED. I’m sure those who know, a guy usually will need something very devastating to happen in his life before he loses the will to “enjoy himself” – because most guys enjoy that very much! To not be able to do that indicates some severe problems and now that I feel that sigh-of-happiness to sit back and fantasize about my sweetheart again, I know that my body is slowly returning to normal and along with bebe’s well wishes, I feel like I can battle the world 🙂

What Do You Do When…

So really, what do you do when you have an irresistible partner? LOL. I wish someone could answer that for me before I kill myself, haha. I think every time I lay my eyes on bebe now, I feel like I want to jump on top of her. I wouldn’t call it horny because it’s not like that, more like… the Chinese expression 肉緊 (I’m not sure what the English expression would be because literally, it means “tight meat” LOL!) I admit I’m more of the touchy-feely type of person, I feel that “draw” of physical intimacy when I’m near someone I care about and this doesn’t have to do just with romantic-partners, but even family, parents or whatever. Sometimes I just feel the need to give my mom/dad a hug or a goodnight kiss or something – I’m just the affectionate type and I’m totally ok with showing it, doesn’t make me feel like I’m a sissy or anything. This world has gone too far with the whole, “to be a man, you have to be macho, tough and show no feelings.” So if anyone can help me suppress that physical affection of mine for bebe, feel free to tell me 😆

I woke up with a deadly headache yesterday morning and it was shit, especially because bebe and I planned on going out. I tried to relax myself to see if the headache went away, made myself a coffee, relaxed on the couch and used my massage chair. I feel asleep on the massage chair and woke up as bebe messaged me on my phone telling me to go over at 4. It was already 3:20 then and she told me she was going back to sleep because she was tired. Being the (cough) great boyfriend I am 😀 I purposely diddly-daddlied around the house, went to the bank,  get gas, etc. before arriving at her house and not arriving at her house until well after 4:30 so she could get some extra sleep. After I got there, I found out she had already slept BEFORE she called me (she had went out for lunch), I felt so 好心着雷劈 (Chinese expression for something along the lines of “Being punished for having a good heart”) for wanting to give her extra sleep time. It’s not like she yelled at me for it, but more of the fact I wasted an extra hour I could’ve been with her thinking she needed extra sleep. It’s not her fault, just that I was trying to be too considerate I guess, bleh!

Bebe was in the bathroom (SEXY, lol) when I got over so her brother opened the door for me. I greeted him and all I got was a grunt as a reply, lol (I see where bebe gets it from… HAHAHA) – weirdest reply ever, so I just ignored him and went upstairs 😛 Guess he was going through some male-PMS or something. Her brother has always been at least polite every time I’ve talked to him, so I forgive him for his unusual rudeness, haha. I finally did it for the VERY FIRST TIME…. but I brought shorts over to bebe’s house to wear because she doesn’t like it when I bring “outside pants” and sit on her bed (very logical). I also left my shorts there as a sign of territory claim, lol. You know, men still have very animalistic nature inside them, LOL. If I leave my shorts there, it’s making a point to all other guys entering her room that she’s taken and someone is watching out for her… or if you prefer a, “Stay the fuck away from my bebe!” statement 😀 I can’t wait until bebe starts leaving stuff at my house, harhar. I heard that women apparently do that too and when they want to “claim their man” – they leave their most intimate things around, like panties, bras, maxi pads/tampons (yes, I’ve read this, not making this shit up) so that other women know that “this guy is no longer available” hah.

I had brought a movie over and my “hope” was that I would just lie there and watch the movie with her and she’d go back to sleep. Well, it failed because she stayed awake the whole movie, LOL. I was hoping she’d fall asleep with me so I could put my arms around her shoulder and pull her head in to me. I wasn’t planning to “take advantage” of her or something (well other than that) – just wanted to have a nice cozy feeling. Nevertheless, although we didn’t quite get to do that, laying on her bed snuggled up with her was a really nice feeling. She did sit rather far (blah), so not sure whether that was just to leave room or whether she still feels the need for that “gap”. I’m honestly terrible when it comes to over-analyzing things. Since she was on the “outside” of the bed, it was much easier for her to steal glances at me, but I caught a few glances of her and my heart totally melted, thinking SHE is the beautiful girl I’m going to spend my life with, just like this, lying together on the bed every night. I couldn’t help but feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world, I wanted to roll over and just kiss bebe on the neck (WANTED, not that I did) and pour my heart’s love out to her. The feeling was just amazing being next to her, although I wish we were a bit “closer”… shared a pillow, actually had some body-contact or under the same blankets, but hey, it’s a start! My plans of her falling asleep didn’t work though, ick, haha! After the movie, she said something really cute and I just hugged her from behind because she was adorable. Her body had a “half accepting” “half rejecting” type feeling, so I definitely can’t complain. At least she doesn’t FULLY reject my touch anymore, so I was happy. Unfortunately, even though she told me wasn’t “uncomfortable” – I could tell she wasn’t “totally” comfortable with it either. Body language is very obvious and not as subvert as people think and our bodies often tell much more than we know or are willing to say. When you get a hug, you usually feel “receiving” and whether you return it is one thing, but part of your body movement tells how much you REALLY want it. When I held her even for a bit, I could feel that it was “ok” for her, but she also wasn’t ready to “embrace” my hold and I could still feel her body trying to escape (although not through anger/discontent, but still not ‘acceptance’). I let go quickly since I had already tested my limits and knew when to call it quits, haha. It was such a warm feeling though and I could feel that we can at least have some contact now.

We fooled around in the house after since she was wide-awake (not that type of fooling, I wish, lol) and then I was getting super hungry so I hinted to get something to eat. While we were looking for stuff, I had put my leg close against her. Again, you could claim I’m taking advantage of the situation, but I just like physical contact and it wasn’t like I was touching her boobs or something. I just put my leg close enough against her where we could feel each other, but not to be “intrusive.” A couple of times she shifted and I wasn’t sure if it was to avoid me pushing up against her or whether it was just natural body movement. Either way, she let me keep my leg there for quite a while, so I’d assume she just moved so her body wouldn’t become stiff. I hadn’t eaten since 11AM, so it was already 8PM then and I could feel myself dying 😛 I grabbed something to eat without asking (oops, lol, I kind of treat it like my house now, haha) just so I wouldn’t pass out. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drive and then grab something to eat. Her driving is improving and it sucks that the past 2 times we’ve gone out, it has been evening/night-time, so I find she’s a lot more conscientious about night-driving, so it tends to be slower – to the point where it might annoy people behind her, lol. I’m not saying this is a fault, more like she just needs to “get used to it” and she’s lucky she doesn’t run into any drivers like me who think she’s too slow, cut her off and give her the middle finger 😆 Plus, I think she’s still on the whole “test-behaviour” since she literally goes the exact limit… 90, she goes 90, heh. I’m not saying I’m right for going faster, but she’ll learn to move “with traffic flow” soon! Parking ins/outs in tight spaces is the one part I’d probably ask her to improve on because she gets AWFULLY close to other people’s cars when she backs up and she doesn’t even realize that there’s probably a “finger” left of space in between. I need to get that parking sensor thing for her soon.

We had Korean food, very yummy and I couldn’t imagine finding a place of this quality where we live. I’ll definitely be visiting again and I even told my mom about it. The price was fantastic and while I didn’t “fill myself up to the max” – I definitely got the money/food worth. I ended up paying while she went to the washroom and she came back to tell me she was thinking of paying tonight, lol. My dad always had this funny thing about people who like to “go pee” right before the bill comes 😛 and I don’t think bebe did that on purpose, since I’ve already gotten used to her washroom habits, but I remember my dad would always yell and my mom and I if we left before the bill came because it’d look like we “expected” the other party to pay for us as well by obligation. My dad was the type to always be aware of mannerisms because of how big our family is, you never want to appear as if you just happen to “go to the washroom” at that time and someone else would end up covering it for you (and naturally, wouldn’t take your money back). In my views, since bebe and I are a “couple” it doesn’t really matter who’s pocket it comes out of as long as we’re spending reasonably. MAYBE I’m just crazy 😆 hah.

As bebe falls for me more and more, I find myself falling head-deep into her. We are… a couple, there’s nothing she can deny anymore, LOL. She could make this sound like a “casual relationship” if she wanted to, but everyone can see more than that 😆 It’s also good because everyone around us seemed to just have accepted it. My mom and all my friends all simply refer to her as “my girlfriend” so they don’t think it’s just a “seeing each other” thing anymore 😛 Even though her friends probably don’t refer to me as bebe’s boyfriend, I’m sure they probably think that anyways XD Anyways, I can feel us coming together so it’s a really nice feeling. I’m starting to put those barriers down and such. Also, I’m also feeling less and less inclination to track bebe now. I know myself well enough to have said before that once I feel close enough and trusting enough of her motives/actions and feel that she’s “responsible towards me” that I would no longer feel the need to snoop. This is true as most of the things I used to do, I don’t do anymore. The other day she was prodding at me for “hacking” but it’s not even CLOSE to what I do to track her XD She has no idea how I do it and she doesn’t need to.. well it doesn’t matter even if she knew how I did it anyways, since I no longer need to do that. She’s definitely being more considerate of my feelings about keeping-in-touch regularly, so then she’s fulfilled her part of the deal and I fulfill my part of the deal by not snooping.

During the dinner she also told me about the thing that’s been bothering her all this time. I guess my second hunch was correct after analyzing the things I read/saw. It was just nice to know what the problem is because I was annoyed at the fact that I should be the one that she “tells everything to” or at least shares her ups/downs with me. You know the say, “for better, or for worse” and it’s true.. I share all my happy AND unhappy moments with her because it’s reality. Again, last night, we truly connected in every way, shape or form. The things we can talk about now is much more relaxed and open. We can also better understand each other and be respectful of each others conversation topics. I’m sure there were a couple of times during the night I said something “inappropriate” but she still played along with it. That’s the whole thing about a relationship, tolerance and naturalization. In her mind, something that comes out of my mouth might not be “what I like” and vice-versa, so we learn just to enjoy what we say to each other within discrimination and just go along with it – in the end, it saves an argument and we both smile. I made some sexual prods at her (half serious, half joking), and it was just funny – it  as not meant to put her into an uncomfortable situation or make myself seem lecherous. I also mentioned about “going to a hotel and sleep in separate beds” with her (because it seems silly to pay for 2 rooms…) later on in the year just to relax and although she didn’t exactly say, “Hey that sounds great!” least she wasn’t like, “Hell no!” either. I’m sure by then I can gauge the comfort-level and if she still doesn’t seem ok with it, I’m not going to push it – it’s not like I set a “time limit” on it. However, if at that time we can share the room together, then it’d be a nice relaxing weekend for us. At least when it comes to relationship things, bebe no longer thinks “no” or “impossible” or “maybe” – but rather “in time” which makes me EXTREMELY happy. I can deal with looking at a situation and saying it’ll take time, but I was frustrated when everything that came from her was a negative, “no, impossible, never, maybe” vocabulary – because now we both believe it will happen.

In terms of physical contact, honestly, I can’t even TELL you how grateful of the advancements we have made. I’m not the one who was uncomfortable with it, so ALL the credits go to her for making those feelings surface. This is all HER doing and I’m totally appreciative of that – because there’s nothing I can do to make her feel comfortable, all this is her initiative, self-power and perseverance. This is also the reason why I “reward her” a lot and give her encouragement, because I know this takes a LOT of effort from her to reach this point. I want to support her, but I also know what I can do is limited because this is much more of a “her struggle” more than my struggle. I’m a physically-comfortable person, while she is not… even with her girl-friends they’re still not the touchy-type. For her to accept my touches or at least be “ok with them” shows great commitment on her part to this relationship. Some have said I spoil bebe, but really, she spoils me too by putting so much into this that I can’t feel that I’d want to give her anything other than the best.

It wasn’t until I got home that I shouldn’t have chosen the particular shorts I bought over. They’re a “light material” and that’d be problematic if I ever had an erection, LOL. I guess I don’t really get hard in front of bebe, mostly because it’s a self-control and respect thing for her. As much as I think she’s sexy and stuff, I know she wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that I could sexually excited in front of her, so I have enough respect for that not to get hard. At the same time, I also wouldn’t be super-embarrassed though if I did get one and she saw it. The reality is she’s shy and all, but I also don’t think she doesn’t know ANYTHING about “natural reactions”… if it happens, it happens -woopidoo! Plus, it’s not like she won’t see my penis one day anyways, lol. This date, I also spent more time looking at her body… it’s so yummy 😀 I found some “excuses” to touch her/poke her, haha – see the reason why I do that is because I know if there’s a ‘reason’ at least it wouldn’t be discomforting and stuff. If I were to randomly tell her, “I want to touch your arm” – then she’d probably have a problem with that, haha. I hope she’ll let me just randomly touch her soon, I’m starting to feel really edgey 😆 and I don’t even mean groping her at private places, I just like sometimes putting my hands on her just as a sign of affection and assurance. Her body is so wonderful so that’s why she should share it with me, haha! She’s an excellent flirter and it scares me where she gets that experience from 😛

A great night either way… the hugs, still quicker than I’d like it to end and I would hold on to her longer, but when I feel her “pushing away” then I definitely wouldn’t want to just grab on and not let go – that’d be rude. At the same time, I also hope that we spend more time embracing each other and it’s not necessary just “when I leave” that we do that. Either way, another happy night minus my killer headache. I had been thinking how pitiful it is that I will probably miss her period again this coming week or something and then ended up with a bad-dream about bebe. When I woke up, I was so glad it was a dream because that dream was definitely not a nice one! I went to the washroom and splashed my face with water to make sure I was awake, because most of the dreams I have about bebe are always good. I guess I’ve been too annoyed with this whole, “catching her on her period” thing that’s been sending my temper off a bit. I should suppress those thoughts and annoyance though before I get angry or something. She’s trying to make this relationship work so I shouldn’t be pressuring her about being open with me about it, but I just can’t believe how much luck is so rotten that with all the times we’ve been out, not a single time she’s been around when she’s on 😐 BLAH.

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