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What Do You Do When…

So really, what do you do when you have an irresistible partner? LOL. I wish someone could answer that for me before I kill myself, haha. I think every time I lay my eyes on bebe now, I feel like I want to jump on top of her. I wouldn’t call it horny because it’s not like that, more like… the Chinese expression 肉緊 (I’m not sure what the English expression would be because literally, it means “tight meat” LOL!) I admit I’m more of the touchy-feely type of person, I feel that “draw” of physical intimacy when I’m near someone I care about and this doesn’t have to do just with romantic-partners, but even family, parents or whatever. Sometimes I just feel the need to give my mom/dad a hug or a goodnight kiss or something – I’m just the affectionate type and I’m totally ok with showing it, doesn’t make me feel like I’m a sissy or anything. This world has gone too far with the whole, “to be a man, you have to be macho, tough and show no feelings.” So if anyone can help me suppress that physical affection of mine for bebe, feel free to tell me 😆

I woke up with a deadly headache yesterday morning and it was shit, especially because bebe and I planned on going out. I tried to relax myself to see if the headache went away, made myself a coffee, relaxed on the couch and used my massage chair. I feel asleep on the massage chair and woke up as bebe messaged me on my phone telling me to go over at 4. It was already 3:20 then and she told me she was going back to sleep because she was tired. Being the (cough) great boyfriend I am 😀 I purposely diddly-daddlied around the house, went to the bank,  get gas, etc. before arriving at her house and not arriving at her house until well after 4:30 so she could get some extra sleep. After I got there, I found out she had already slept BEFORE she called me (she had went out for lunch), I felt so 好心着雷劈 (Chinese expression for something along the lines of “Being punished for having a good heart”) for wanting to give her extra sleep time. It’s not like she yelled at me for it, but more of the fact I wasted an extra hour I could’ve been with her thinking she needed extra sleep. It’s not her fault, just that I was trying to be too considerate I guess, bleh!

Bebe was in the bathroom (SEXY, lol) when I got over so her brother opened the door for me. I greeted him and all I got was a grunt as a reply, lol (I see where bebe gets it from… HAHAHA) – weirdest reply ever, so I just ignored him and went upstairs 😛 Guess he was going through some male-PMS or something. Her brother has always been at least polite every time I’ve talked to him, so I forgive him for his unusual rudeness, haha. I finally did it for the VERY FIRST TIME…. but I brought shorts over to bebe’s house to wear because she doesn’t like it when I bring “outside pants” and sit on her bed (very logical). I also left my shorts there as a sign of territory claim, lol. You know, men still have very animalistic nature inside them, LOL. If I leave my shorts there, it’s making a point to all other guys entering her room that she’s taken and someone is watching out for her… or if you prefer a, “Stay the fuck away from my bebe!” statement 😀 I can’t wait until bebe starts leaving stuff at my house, harhar. I heard that women apparently do that too and when they want to “claim their man” – they leave their most intimate things around, like panties, bras, maxi pads/tampons (yes, I’ve read this, not making this shit up) so that other women know that “this guy is no longer available” hah.

I had brought a movie over and my “hope” was that I would just lie there and watch the movie with her and she’d go back to sleep. Well, it failed because she stayed awake the whole movie, LOL. I was hoping she’d fall asleep with me so I could put my arms around her shoulder and pull her head in to me. I wasn’t planning to “take advantage” of her or something (well other than that) – just wanted to have a nice cozy feeling. Nevertheless, although we didn’t quite get to do that, laying on her bed snuggled up with her was a really nice feeling. She did sit rather far (blah), so not sure whether that was just to leave room or whether she still feels the need for that “gap”. I’m honestly terrible when it comes to over-analyzing things. Since she was on the “outside” of the bed, it was much easier for her to steal glances at me, but I caught a few glances of her and my heart totally melted, thinking SHE is the beautiful girl I’m going to spend my life with, just like this, lying together on the bed every night. I couldn’t help but feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world, I wanted to roll over and just kiss bebe on the neck (WANTED, not that I did) and pour my heart’s love out to her. The feeling was just amazing being next to her, although I wish we were a bit “closer”… shared a pillow, actually had some body-contact or under the same blankets, but hey, it’s a start! My plans of her falling asleep didn’t work though, ick, haha! After the movie, she said something really cute and I just hugged her from behind because she was adorable. Her body had a “half accepting” “half rejecting” type feeling, so I definitely can’t complain. At least she doesn’t FULLY reject my touch anymore, so I was happy. Unfortunately, even though she told me wasn’t “uncomfortable” – I could tell she wasn’t “totally” comfortable with it either. Body language is very obvious and not as subvert as people think and our bodies often tell much more than we know or are willing to say. When you get a hug, you usually feel “receiving” and whether you return it is one thing, but part of your body movement tells how much you REALLY want it. When I held her even for a bit, I could feel that it was “ok” for her, but she also wasn’t ready to “embrace” my hold and I could still feel her body trying to escape (although not through anger/discontent, but still not ‘acceptance’). I let go quickly since I had already tested my limits and knew when to call it quits, haha. It was such a warm feeling though and I could feel that we can at least have some contact now.

We fooled around in the house after since she was wide-awake (not that type of fooling, I wish, lol) and then I was getting super hungry so I hinted to get something to eat. While we were looking for stuff, I had put my leg close against her. Again, you could claim I’m taking advantage of the situation, but I just like physical contact and it wasn’t like I was touching her boobs or something. I just put my leg close enough against her where we could feel each other, but not to be “intrusive.” A couple of times she shifted and I wasn’t sure if it was to avoid me pushing up against her or whether it was just natural body movement. Either way, she let me keep my leg there for quite a while, so I’d assume she just moved so her body wouldn’t become stiff. I hadn’t eaten since 11AM, so it was already 8PM then and I could feel myself dying 😛 I grabbed something to eat without asking (oops, lol, I kind of treat it like my house now, haha) just so I wouldn’t pass out. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drive and then grab something to eat. Her driving is improving and it sucks that the past 2 times we’ve gone out, it has been evening/night-time, so I find she’s a lot more conscientious about night-driving, so it tends to be slower – to the point where it might annoy people behind her, lol. I’m not saying this is a fault, more like she just needs to “get used to it” and she’s lucky she doesn’t run into any drivers like me who think she’s too slow, cut her off and give her the middle finger 😆 Plus, I think she’s still on the whole “test-behaviour” since she literally goes the exact limit… 90, she goes 90, heh. I’m not saying I’m right for going faster, but she’ll learn to move “with traffic flow” soon! Parking ins/outs in tight spaces is the one part I’d probably ask her to improve on because she gets AWFULLY close to other people’s cars when she backs up and she doesn’t even realize that there’s probably a “finger” left of space in between. I need to get that parking sensor thing for her soon.

We had Korean food, very yummy and I couldn’t imagine finding a place of this quality where we live. I’ll definitely be visiting again and I even told my mom about it. The price was fantastic and while I didn’t “fill myself up to the max” – I definitely got the money/food worth. I ended up paying while she went to the washroom and she came back to tell me she was thinking of paying tonight, lol. My dad always had this funny thing about people who like to “go pee” right before the bill comes 😛 and I don’t think bebe did that on purpose, since I’ve already gotten used to her washroom habits, but I remember my dad would always yell and my mom and I if we left before the bill came because it’d look like we “expected” the other party to pay for us as well by obligation. My dad was the type to always be aware of mannerisms because of how big our family is, you never want to appear as if you just happen to “go to the washroom” at that time and someone else would end up covering it for you (and naturally, wouldn’t take your money back). In my views, since bebe and I are a “couple” it doesn’t really matter who’s pocket it comes out of as long as we’re spending reasonably. MAYBE I’m just crazy 😆 hah.

As bebe falls for me more and more, I find myself falling head-deep into her. We are… a couple, there’s nothing she can deny anymore, LOL. She could make this sound like a “casual relationship” if she wanted to, but everyone can see more than that 😆 It’s also good because everyone around us seemed to just have accepted it. My mom and all my friends all simply refer to her as “my girlfriend” so they don’t think it’s just a “seeing each other” thing anymore 😛 Even though her friends probably don’t refer to me as bebe’s boyfriend, I’m sure they probably think that anyways XD Anyways, I can feel us coming together so it’s a really nice feeling. I’m starting to put those barriers down and such. Also, I’m also feeling less and less inclination to track bebe now. I know myself well enough to have said before that once I feel close enough and trusting enough of her motives/actions and feel that she’s “responsible towards me” that I would no longer feel the need to snoop. This is true as most of the things I used to do, I don’t do anymore. The other day she was prodding at me for “hacking” but it’s not even CLOSE to what I do to track her XD She has no idea how I do it and she doesn’t need to.. well it doesn’t matter even if she knew how I did it anyways, since I no longer need to do that. She’s definitely being more considerate of my feelings about keeping-in-touch regularly, so then she’s fulfilled her part of the deal and I fulfill my part of the deal by not snooping.

During the dinner she also told me about the thing that’s been bothering her all this time. I guess my second hunch was correct after analyzing the things I read/saw. It was just nice to know what the problem is because I was annoyed at the fact that I should be the one that she “tells everything to” or at least shares her ups/downs with me. You know the say, “for better, or for worse” and it’s true.. I share all my happy AND unhappy moments with her because it’s reality. Again, last night, we truly connected in every way, shape or form. The things we can talk about now is much more relaxed and open. We can also better understand each other and be respectful of each others conversation topics. I’m sure there were a couple of times during the night I said something “inappropriate” but she still played along with it. That’s the whole thing about a relationship, tolerance and naturalization. In her mind, something that comes out of my mouth might not be “what I like” and vice-versa, so we learn just to enjoy what we say to each other within discrimination and just go along with it – in the end, it saves an argument and we both smile. I made some sexual prods at her (half serious, half joking), and it was just funny – it  as not meant to put her into an uncomfortable situation or make myself seem lecherous. I also mentioned about “going to a hotel and sleep in separate beds” with her (because it seems silly to pay for 2 rooms…) later on in the year just to relax and although she didn’t exactly say, “Hey that sounds great!” least she wasn’t like, “Hell no!” either. I’m sure by then I can gauge the comfort-level and if she still doesn’t seem ok with it, I’m not going to push it – it’s not like I set a “time limit” on it. However, if at that time we can share the room together, then it’d be a nice relaxing weekend for us. At least when it comes to relationship things, bebe no longer thinks “no” or “impossible” or “maybe” – but rather “in time” which makes me EXTREMELY happy. I can deal with looking at a situation and saying it’ll take time, but I was frustrated when everything that came from her was a negative, “no, impossible, never, maybe” vocabulary – because now we both believe it will happen.

In terms of physical contact, honestly, I can’t even TELL you how grateful of the advancements we have made. I’m not the one who was uncomfortable with it, so ALL the credits go to her for making those feelings surface. This is all HER doing and I’m totally appreciative of that – because there’s nothing I can do to make her feel comfortable, all this is her initiative, self-power and perseverance. This is also the reason why I “reward her” a lot and give her encouragement, because I know this takes a LOT of effort from her to reach this point. I want to support her, but I also know what I can do is limited because this is much more of a “her struggle” more than my struggle. I’m a physically-comfortable person, while she is not… even with her girl-friends they’re still not the touchy-type. For her to accept my touches or at least be “ok with them” shows great commitment on her part to this relationship. Some have said I spoil bebe, but really, she spoils me too by putting so much into this that I can’t feel that I’d want to give her anything other than the best.

It wasn’t until I got home that I shouldn’t have chosen the particular shorts I bought over. They’re a “light material” and that’d be problematic if I ever had an erection, LOL. I guess I don’t really get hard in front of bebe, mostly because it’s a self-control and respect thing for her. As much as I think she’s sexy and stuff, I know she wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that I could sexually excited in front of her, so I have enough respect for that not to get hard. At the same time, I also wouldn’t be super-embarrassed though if I did get one and she saw it. The reality is she’s shy and all, but I also don’t think she doesn’t know ANYTHING about “natural reactions”… if it happens, it happens -woopidoo! Plus, it’s not like she won’t see my penis one day anyways, lol. This date, I also spent more time looking at her body… it’s so yummy 😀 I found some “excuses” to touch her/poke her, haha – see the reason why I do that is because I know if there’s a ‘reason’ at least it wouldn’t be discomforting and stuff. If I were to randomly tell her, “I want to touch your arm” – then she’d probably have a problem with that, haha. I hope she’ll let me just randomly touch her soon, I’m starting to feel really edgey 😆 and I don’t even mean groping her at private places, I just like sometimes putting my hands on her just as a sign of affection and assurance. Her body is so wonderful so that’s why she should share it with me, haha! She’s an excellent flirter and it scares me where she gets that experience from 😛

A great night either way… the hugs, still quicker than I’d like it to end and I would hold on to her longer, but when I feel her “pushing away” then I definitely wouldn’t want to just grab on and not let go – that’d be rude. At the same time, I also hope that we spend more time embracing each other and it’s not necessary just “when I leave” that we do that. Either way, another happy night minus my killer headache. I had been thinking how pitiful it is that I will probably miss her period again this coming week or something and then ended up with a bad-dream about bebe. When I woke up, I was so glad it was a dream because that dream was definitely not a nice one! I went to the washroom and splashed my face with water to make sure I was awake, because most of the dreams I have about bebe are always good. I guess I’ve been too annoyed with this whole, “catching her on her period” thing that’s been sending my temper off a bit. I should suppress those thoughts and annoyance though before I get angry or something. She’s trying to make this relationship work so I shouldn’t be pressuring her about being open with me about it, but I just can’t believe how much luck is so rotten that with all the times we’ve been out, not a single time she’s been around when she’s on 😐 BLAH.

The Typical Date… Almost!

So another great date-night… isn’t it a great trend lately that I’ve been having great days? Life is starting to really become enjoyable. I mean look back at the history of my blog and you will see much depression and anxiety… often mixing in with frustration and anger. Today was a beautiful night with many reasons making it so. Today, bebe and I decided to do a “typical date” night.. you know, the whole ‘dinner and a movie’ thing – LOL. As long as we have been dating, we have not done this before, so it was a nice experience. We’ve always found very abstract things to do with each other, but a movie just “never came to mind” – or I should correctly say, it never came to my mind since I’m not a movie goer (but a movie WATCHER), but I see why it’s so enjoyable now. Suffice to say, watching inside a cinema is definitely more expensive than at home, but hey, once in a while it’s ok. Like I said, I want our dating to be “balanced” and “reasonable”… i.e going out all the time would become a burden, so being able to do stuff around the house is nice as well. If it was expected that every date is a dinner + activity + movie, then it’d get rather pricey… not that I wouldn’t be willing, but then I’d certainly have to cut back elsewhere.

Anyways, we watched BEASTLY [Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen]… not a bad movie and although I would not say “wow” I wouldn’t say “nay” either… rather indifferent. That’s not to say bebe didn’t choose a good movie, because it was probably already one of the better one of all the ones we could’ve chosen from. Again, I tried asking bebe if she wants to hold hands during the movie… and still, no go. I had thought maybe she wanted to do a movie with me (it was her suggestion) as a “signal” that perhaps she is ready for some physical intimacy, but alas I lied to myself once again. I wasn’t upset… because I’ve kind of hit that point where I just feel that each time is a ‘chance’ and an opportunity for me to ask. Back a while ago, I would get frustrated every time bebe “rejected” me… but now, every time is a brand new chance and because I know bebe isn’t the type of girl to take initiative. I know I will have to continually ‘ask’ and one time succeed, but she would definitely not be the one to ask ME if I wanted to hold her hands or for her to offer. I can definitely see my level and tolerance and patience beginning to change to accommodate to her more resistant levels of intimacy. It’s a very sweet thing that I even see myself changing and growing “for” her. Had it been a month ago, I would’ve been very hurt, angry and it would kind of ruin my night. Now, I just accept it and think that, “next time will be another chance until she says yes!” – perhaps sad self-encouragement, but better than beating my self-confidence up over it.

During the movie, I did spot her body language… she sat “more to the left” when I was on the right-hand side. I’m not sure whether it’s just naturally her to shift to one side, I haven’t sat in a chair next to her enough to judge, or whether she’s implying she wants to “keep a distance.” Suffice to say, it took some time during the movie before I even mustered up the courage to ask her. When she shook her head, I felt kind of dejected… but hey, it has been THIS long already, what’s one more time? 🙄 Then about 10 minutes later, she tapped me and for a moment, my heart was really happy thinking that she finally changed her mind or felt that “spark”… but nope, once again… it was just because she wanted me to shuffle in so she could go to the washroom -__-” At that point I just gave up and didn’t want to affect the night by putting too much pressure. Many people often wonder why I ask, because it is always kind of weird… because usually things like that, holding hands, touching shoulders, embracing hugs and the surprize kiss is usually just something that “happens” and most people don’t ask for permission or anything. Indeed, it would give bebe less time to react and I would actually be able to pull it off, but that’s not the point. The point is, even something as simple as holding hands, is very akin to having sex. You do something, because you FEEL and WANT to… I want bebe to feel and want to hold my hands, not a matter of obligation or pressure. It’s kind of like having “loveless” sex (I’m sure plenty will disagree with me here, but this is MY stance)… sure, you have it and possibly even have an orgasm, but in the end, it has no meaning. I could grab her hands, hold it and she may let me without making a fuss, but if neither of us feels that “connection” – then it is a meaningless to hold hands. I want to always give bebe that opportunity to accept and that’s why I keep asking, so she feels like she doesn’t have to be the one to “take the step” – but at the same time, I also want to wait until she’s ready – and thus, I feel that meaningless hand-holding is like having sex with a stranger who you have no feelings for.

I know bebe could tell that I wasn’t thrilled about her not accepting, which wasn’t a huge “problem” for me… I’ve already been a failure this many times right? I don’t blame her, I blame myself… what kind of terrible boyfriend am I who can’t make his girlfriend “feel” like holding his hand? But anyways, bebe’s getting much better at reading me now, which is really nice. After we got back into the foyer of the cinema, I found a little arcade center there so I went in and took a look. She snuck up on me while I was reading the “instructions” on one of the games. I’m not sure whether she meant to or not… but she gave me this light little touch/put her hands on my wrist… I’m not sure if that meant anything, but it certainly made me happy. It didn’t go any further than that and she only did it for less than a second, so I’m not sure whether she pulled away because it was “an accident” she held me like that or whether it truly was something from within her.

Oh right… how did I even skip this far anyways? LOL… so before we went to the cinema, backtracking a bit, we went to a “jok fun mien fan” place… (Congee, Dough-Noodles, Noodles and Rice)… Hong-Kong style Chinese eatery. Bebe and I had some really interesting conversations and more importantly, they were very relaxed and close. The attentiveness to each other was high and we truly connected in those conversations together. The conversations weren’t even so much about “each other” – but just the fact the topics brought us together. Furthermore, we both got to learn stuff about each other and shared a bit of our history and stuff. The important part was there were lots of revelations about each other, so it was a very successful and informative dinner. I could tell that bebe was more “engaged” and also feeling very comfortable/open. Although having dated bebe for this long, I still get the ‘pre-date jitters’… even the hour before leaving the house, I keep on thinking, “oh, what are we going to talk about?” and try to think of topics… but it’s like whenever we get together, the topics just come naturally. It’s so beautiful 🙂

So I “formally” met one of her friends today… well, formal may not be the perfect expression, but more or less I got to meet one of her friends, was introduced and was not “an accident” like the prior time I met her friends. Definitely a nice girl and I’d for sure want to get to know her better, but I’m sure it’ll take a while to break the ice too. I was cautious this time because bebe had told me her friend is rather shy and that I should be careful about being too aggressive (conversationally) with her. Being an avid person who likes to “read body language” – I could tell her friend wasn’t ready to have rapid-conversation with me yet, so I kind of spoke to her on an as-needed basis and whenever I did, I also “included” bebe in the conversation so she would feel more comfortable communicating with me. All-in-all, I’m not sure what kind of “impression” I made on her friend, but at least I didn’t screw anything up. I kind of think how much it sucks that the reason why I even got to meet one of bebe’s friends was because I offered to fix her computer, but hey, at least I got to meet one… although I wish it was on a less “official” or “business-like” matter. Go figure that when I was introduced, she didn’t give me a title… haha.

So I dropped them off and called it a night. Her friend was definitely “smart” about it… she walked ahead in case bebe and I wanted to ‘do’ anything (ya right, I wish…. no goodnight kiss as usual) and to give us some privacy. I already knew at the start of the night that if bebe and her friend leaves together, she will not likely give me a hug. Still, every time I leave her I only get a hug if I ask for one, she never offers… in fact, we should not only be hugging when we part, but even when we first see each other and throughout the time we spend together. Intimacy should not only be for “occasion” or an “event” during the day. But anyways, yes, I realized if I was dropping them off, bebe would likely be “too embarrassed” (yes, because I am an embarrassment of a boyfriend) to give me a hug with her friend present, so I had already expected it. However, oddly enough, she stopped as she was about to close the door, turned around and gave me some parting words for the night. They were genuine, nice and made me feel good – perhaps I guess she knew I was waiting for my hug which I was clearly not getting, so decided to at least say a few things to me… The smile on her face… was amazingly warm and felt like she was “reaching out” to me, knowing that I wanted something that she wasn’t ready to give in the presence of her friends (which I suppose I expected/understood). Something about that smile of hers though… her smiles have always touched me before, but never like this… it was so gentle, as if we are finally “connecting” with each other profoundly.

Bebe and I are starting to become more and more like a couple, I can feel it and I can tell that comfort-level is growing between us. Though we are far from intimacy or even simple physical contact, I know that she’s definitely trying her hardest and that I am trying to do my best to be “Mr. Right” for her. Although there are times I wonder how it’s acceptable for her to want ME to change, but not to change for me, I guess she has it right when it comes down to the fact that she’s making much effort for herself to “feel” for me and that in itself is ‘changing’ her… I suppose people may REALLY chastise me for my “one-track mind” in always expecting my favourite type of information from her, so I’m just going to shut-up about it. To me, her telling me that stuff isn’t just simply satisfying curiosity, but a sign of comfort and acceptance. Until she’s ready to tell me more about that stuff, I still sometimes feel that pang. At the same time, I feel honoured and very special that she at least discusses SOME with me, so I should always bite my tongue and not complain. Maybe one day, just one day soon, she’ll whisper in my ears, “I’m on right now” and smile at me 😀 That would make everything great! See… maybe I lie and sometimes I do have a dirty little mind, but at least I’m honest about it. I can’t deny my “passion” for that stuff, but also, because bebe has been very generous to accepting my ‘flaw’ of loving menstruation. I wish I could stop using this as a “determiner” – because it’s not fair that I use this to judge her comfort with me – although she has admitted that night when I mentioned periods that she told me not to push back down her comfort with me which was a bit crushing/disappointing, but whatever, she DOES have a point which I can’t deny.

It has been a wonderful night we had and although I did not accomplish much in terms of making a “great” impression on her friend, at least I did get to finally meet one ‘officially’ and more importantly, tonight I could truly feel that “couples feeling” when bebe and I were together. More importantly as well was I also got to see how bebe is like when she’s with her friends and it’s WONDERFUL — because I need her friends to bring out that carefree and relaxed girl that bebe can only be when she’s around her friends. I suppose it gives me a BIT of jealousy that her friends can bring that happiness out of her while I can’t, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time! All that matters for now is we’re actually taking steps in stride now, rather than going backwards. I should not make this whole period-information thing a big deal (but can’t deny it makes me feel NICE when she does tell me things), because I always tell her to learn to appreciate me for who I am/what I do/that I’m around… I should heed my own words and be grateful for her as well, she is a BLESSING to me.

Still no hand-holding or a passionate kiss yet… but one day… one day soon – because I believe we can make it!

Accepting Responsibilities For Those You Love

For most, responsibilities pile on as you grow up, some earlier than others. While I consider myself unlucky, I also consider myself lucky when “compared to others.” My dad passed away when I was 22, leaving me with much pressure to “grow up quickly.” I consider myself lucky because I had a wonderful and unparalleled father for a whole 22 years of my life and because many others in this world, lose their parent, parents much earlier – some will have never experienced their parents love other than birth. Suffice to say, it is always nice to simply be grateful for what you have. Moving forward, I’ve had to take on the responsibility of taking care of my mother, something that any PROPER and FILIAL son should do… or I should say, something that any child should do.

Over the 4 years without the protection of my father, I’ve had to take on much of the responsibilities around the house – and by that, not necessary domestic chores as those are still handled by my mom who I wholeheartedly appreciate, but that of all the other “problems” when they arise – whether it is getting finances in order or making such the next meal hits the table. The stress sometimes is overbearing but at the same time, I have to stay strong. I am definitely not alone, in this vast world, I am like many… I do not claim myself to be a martyr or some kind of superhero that is above others. However, today I had a revelation about growing up and simply accepting responsibilities because you have to.

This all came to me as I was out shoveling the snow. Yes, weird place to be “inspired” eh? Today has been an interesting day, with me driving half-way to work before realizing that work was closed today. Good thing I didn’t go all the way there before finding out. If I had known, I could’ve just rolled back in my bed and snoozed again. It was pretty treacherous in the morning waking up to piles of snow. We had been told to expect 5-10cm, but it was definitely more than that. As I shoveled my way out to work, it was not unusual since I’ve been doing this all winter. I usually do it myself because I’m the one going to work, not my mom, so I don’t expect her to help. When my dad was around, shoveling was always considered the “men” duty and also the “fatherly” duty… so before I got up, my dad would usually have the driveway cleaned and I’d just hope in my car and drive to work. Yes, now I look back, I was spoiled, so now I have to hold up this responsibility now. Surely, I cannot expect my mom to do something like this! Furthermore, it wasn’t until recently she got her pills to control a thyroid problem which elevated her heart rate, so the last thing I need is for her to go out and shovel snow for me – that’s not right. All this revelation and stuff happened because the feeling of being out there was ominous and depressing. I was out there and as bunched up as I was, the sleet was slamming against my face, winds blown against me, fighting the cold and the snow blowing in my eye.. having to stop every time the wind blew hard trying to hold my balance – it was a very gray mood. I thought to myself why people cherish life so much when this is what you endure.. and I mean there’s bigger problems in life than snow, LOL!

When I came back home, I just lazied around the house for the afternoon until I decided to look out again. Holy, the snow had not stopped and the driveway was once again high. I got my snow-clothing on and out came the shovel from the garage. This time, it was HORRID compared to the morning shovel. As I pushed from HALF of my driveway width to the other, the snow was already tight enough where I could push no more. The snow was wet and heavily packed in and was not the nice fluffy stuff that’s easy to move around. I decided to bring out my (very shitty) snow-blower, which had failed the last 3 times I’ve tried to use it. In this entire winter, it has only worked once. I will endeavour to buy one for the next winter, however, this thing is a piece of shit. I’ve already been angry with it the previous times, but with how bad the snow has been, it only compounded the situation. As I tried to start it for the 5th time, I had enough of it. I took my shovel and slammed against it. I hissed under my breath that if it still didn’t start up, it was forfeiting its life. Pulled on the engine rope, sputtered and no-go. That was enough of that, I drew my axe out from my garage and beat the shit out of it. My mom was yelling at me since she hates it when I get furious. I admit, I can have a temper sometimes, especially when things fail me. I do not tolerate failure of things like this and it pisses me off, especially when I need it most. If it is not willing to cooperate, why should I keep it around? I now have a partially destroyed snow-blower. If I was any less rational, I would’ve loaded both my guns and shot the shit out of it. Things in my house do not defy me unless they want to be blown to bits. Luckily, I was still in the right mind to know that shooting a gas-filled snow-blower is not very smart.

I continued to plow the driveway and while doing so, that’s when it dawned to me the thing about growing up, taking up responsibilities and also accepting the fact, these will likely be on-going responsibilities, sometimes with increasing complexity. As I was pushing the snow around, I thought to myself, this is going to be pretty much how the rest of my life will play-out. Whether I am plowing it for my own or not, my responsibilities extend beyond my “own” life. I thought about how in the future, it will likely be me getting up at dawn, plowing the driveway and making sure the kids and bebe will be able to get to work and school on time. I realized that I may need to be the one to drive them around, whether to school or to work on bad days – while still having to get myself to work. I realize that I may need to have breakfast ready when they wake up and pack their lunches… things I don’t have to do now and simply never bothered crossing my mind about having to just be grown up and letting responsibilities evolve from easy to hard. I have to return home, get dinner prepared, kiss the kids and bebe as they walk through the door, smile – even if my day has been shit. It’s just about being responsible to carry your own burdens and not pass them to your family. At night when bebe and I lie next to each other, I have to make her feel like she’s in the spotlight, even if I want to be the center-of-attention. I have to listen to her talk while I’m dead-tired. Nevertheless, she’s my baby, I chose to marry her and have wonderful kids together – these are my responsibilities and choices. Where once shoveling the driveway was to ensure I could get out to work, it will mean so much more when I have to do it for our kids and do it for bebe.

There are many obligations we have in life, whether we are prepared for them or not – life does not care. Life does not care whether you WANT to deal with them, they throw it at you anyways and EXPECT you to. I asked myself, am I ready to take on these responsibilities? Am I ready to be a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good father? The only thing I’m sure of right now is I’m ready to be a good son – or so I try. These responsibilities are something we choose to sacrifice ourselves for – I realize that once you have “others” involved… your life is not simple anymore.. you are not thinking for 1, you are thinking for 2 or perhaps many. Such is growing up and that is perhaps why some people choose to stay single or not have children. You’ll notice that many couples who do not have children are often much younger for their age – because they simply do not carry the same stress and burdens. They need not consider saving money for future-planning and they don’t have to worry about leaving money behind. They can earn a dollar and spend a dollar. They don’t need to stick to a schedule that revolves around someone else. However, as much as all those things sound alluring, I would have to say I still love the family life. As much as it will suck that I have to get up before bebe and the kids to and prepare everything, be the one to fall asleep last after having tucked them away, I’m willing to do so. Knowing that I have a world full of responsibilities waiting for me as bebe and I get serious and bring new life into this world, I stand steadfast and anxious.

These responsibilities are often sacrifices on our behalf. Responsibilities come with rewards and also comes with much juggling. What is the most important to tackle at X time or is Y-item more important? Everything bears on your shoulders and perhaps I’m thinking VERY old fashion, where the guy is the “man of the household” (I can hear the feminists knocking my door now), bebe and the kids rely on me to stay strong and to protect them. The protection may be physical, emotional, psychological or just a sense of security, but I cannot be the weak link… I’m not being strong just for me, when I may feel like breaking down to cry, but I have to be there for them. Just a few nights ago when bebe was yelling at me, she told me she couldn’t feel that happiness when she gives/sacrifices for me. It was like being stabbed in the heart and the knife being slowly pulled out. How would you feel if someone you loved and cared for told you something like that? I was stricken… I felt like as if my whole life had just washed away. Although now things have calmed down and perhaps those words were simply said in-the-moment, the pain still needs to be diluted. Honestly, I wish I could delete those words from my head, as easy as I could delete it from my phone, but alas… such is not the case. Even now when I reread what she wrote me, I get shivers down my spine.

In a way, I’m kind of looking forward to having more responsibilities and as tough as it may be, it’s a good indication of happiness. Sometimes there’s no way you can put into words how to pay someone back for how they have helped. You cannot put a price-tag on everything in life and although waking up at 6AM to make breakfast for bebe may not be the most thrilling prospect of my life, if even she gave me that smile and kiss before she goes past the doors in the morning, all of a sudden, that alarm going off at 6AM may not suck so much. It took me a lot of time, considering whether I wanted to buy bebe’s Valentine’s Present, because it is the most I have ever spent on a girl before. The present was very much from deep down.. that is.. deep down from my heart and from my pockets, LOL. I’m not going to kid you, that set my credit card quite a bit and that’s why I want her to wear it often. I hope she brought it out with her this time and wore it… and that I can see that beautiful necklace on her when I see her on Sunday. So many small things in life mean so much… more than what people could ever place a “value” on it.

Good Morning Period!

Looks like it’s a fairly decent morning – the sun is out and the winds are still cool. Of course since I got to work, I can already see the temperature on my screen rising from a comfortable 20 degrees Celsius to now 25 degrees, luckily if you’re not under the sun, the breeze is still nice coming through the window! Woke up rather groggy this morning probably because I slept too well. With some connections with a good friend of mine who’s a graphics expert, she printed off a nice picture of bebe and I together ^__^ so cute and before anyone asks, no, I will not post this anywhere including Facebook, lol.. she did it as a favour for me on company time 😛

This resulted in a really nice sleep and dream… in fact, way too good of a sleep. When I woke up, I admit that I had pillow all in my mouth. I had stupid pillow strands and the taste of my pillow-case, gross. I’ve always slept with one of those long comfy pillows next to me so I have something to hug on to, so this isn’t something new, but if I didn’t know any better, I probably spent most of my sleeping night kissing my fucking pillow dreaming it was bebe probably… ewww… gross, pillow cases do NOT taste good in any way (unless coated with chocolate). I need to stop having dreams of bebe.. what happened to dreaming about other girls? LOL… geezz..

I woke up anyways through my grogginess to get a happy text message! I was about to bitch at who would make me wake up at an ungodly hour, but turns out I got a message from one of my god-sis’ who told me about the happy arrival of her period 😀 much to my excitement! Looking at my calendar a few days ago, one of my girls should also be starting this week, but she told me it might be delayed because it was last time. However, I trust my calendar and she’s been complaining about chocolate cravings last night, so it must be coming soon too, yay 😛 life is good sometimes, no? LOL.

I was rather happy since it has been a while since any of my girls’ periods have come, so I jaunted out of bed, picked her up at her house and we went for a small breakfast before I had to go to work! She also told me she’s starting to run low on pads and had to buy more, but I didn’t have time so I told her we could go after work or that I could get them from her and bring them to her house when she needed them. Yes, I do happen to know everything she uses, so I don’t even have to ask questions 😆 I’m trying to delay buying them only because I’m still waiting for my Stayfree, O.B or Carefree coupons to come in and it has been 2 weeks already! 😦 I don’t like going to the store too many times and want to pick up mine and her stuff all at once… and it’s mainly because of the summer heat laziness.

God-sis’ did have some major PMS signs this month, lol, something must’ve been making her unhappy – but she seems content now and we had a great breakfast conversation! I haven’t seen this one for a while, so it was nice to connect again before we both had to head off for work. I’m glad she messaged me in the morning with such happy news, even though she woke me up from my slumber and dreams of bebe, haha. I can’t wait until my other girl starts soon, I want to know if I’ve got her on-track with my calendar 😛

My storage is barren right now.. I only have some Always Extra Heavy Overnights which I ordered from before and a cheapo pack of Always Classics with Wings I bought from the dollar store (lol, they’re actually not too bad) and I’m tempted to not wait for the coupons to arrive… but noooo, I’m too cheap for that 😀 If anything, god-sis and I could split the two packs of Stayfree that I’ll end up buying with the coupon – but as I’m typing this, it just dawned upon me that she doesn’t use Stayfree – stupid me! Well, I guess I’ll just have to get her stuff first since she doesn’t mind spending the money, haha… I guess when you’re menstruating, you don’t have much of a choice 😛 I told her she should always have kept some stuff over at my place XD Shit, I don’t even have any tampons left, so too bad for her… gave them all away.

How ironic… in 6 days from now, I’ll be a pile of misery and 6 days from now, bebe will be happy and excited. Sometimes I laugh mockingly at life. I remember when we first met and I was counting down the days on my personal MSNSpace blog of her returning, I guess now once she leaves I have to start counting time half-a-bloody-fucking-god-damned-life-wrecking-year of days until her return. I guess I take most of my personal bitching to a more private blog rather than here. Talk about life-fuckery at the max… last time I used that blog extensively was when I was waiting for her to return… a year ago.. and now a year later, I now have to countdown again until her return – except 3 times longer. Talk about being played like a stupid fool. Nevertheless, my hearts not going anywhere far for the next 6 months anyways. Times like these I probably need a couple of FWB’s, HAH!

Time to finish up my coffee, get back to work and watch a few movies then. Toodles for now.

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