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Accepting Responsibilities For Those You Love

For most, responsibilities pile on as you grow up, some earlier than others. While I consider myself unlucky, I also consider myself lucky when “compared to others.” My dad passed away when I was 22, leaving me with much pressure to “grow up quickly.” I consider myself lucky because I had a wonderful and unparalleled father for a whole 22 years of my life and because many others in this world, lose their parent, parents much earlier – some will have never experienced their parents love other than birth. Suffice to say, it is always nice to simply be grateful for what you have. Moving forward, I’ve had to take on the responsibility of taking care of my mother, something that any PROPER and FILIAL son should do… or I should say, something that any child should do.

Over the 4 years without the protection of my father, I’ve had to take on much of the responsibilities around the house – and by that, not necessary domestic chores as those are still handled by my mom who I wholeheartedly appreciate, but that of all the other “problems” when they arise – whether it is getting finances in order or making such the next meal hits the table. The stress sometimes is overbearing but at the same time, I have to stay strong. I am definitely not alone, in this vast world, I am like many… I do not claim myself to be a martyr or some kind of superhero that is above others. However, today I had a revelation about growing up and simply accepting responsibilities because you have to.

This all came to me as I was out shoveling the snow. Yes, weird place to be “inspired” eh? Today has been an interesting day, with me driving half-way to work before realizing that work was closed today. Good thing I didn’t go all the way there before finding out. If I had known, I could’ve just rolled back in my bed and snoozed again. It was pretty treacherous in the morning waking up to piles of snow. We had been told to expect 5-10cm, but it was definitely more than that. As I shoveled my way out to work, it was not unusual since I’ve been doing this all winter. I usually do it myself because I’m the one going to work, not my mom, so I don’t expect her to help. When my dad was around, shoveling was always considered the “men” duty and also the “fatherly” duty… so before I got up, my dad would usually have the driveway cleaned and I’d just hope in my car and drive to work. Yes, now I look back, I was spoiled, so now I have to hold up this responsibility now. Surely, I cannot expect my mom to do something like this! Furthermore, it wasn’t until recently she got her pills to control a thyroid problem which elevated her heart rate, so the last thing I need is for her to go out and shovel snow for me – that’s not right. All this revelation and stuff happened because the feeling of being out there was ominous and depressing. I was out there and as bunched up as I was, the sleet was slamming against my face, winds blown against me, fighting the cold and the snow blowing in my eye.. having to stop every time the wind blew hard trying to hold my balance – it was a very gray mood. I thought to myself why people cherish life so much when this is what you endure.. and I mean there’s bigger problems in life than snow, LOL!

When I came back home, I just lazied around the house for the afternoon until I decided to look out again. Holy, the snow had not stopped and the driveway was once again high. I got my snow-clothing on and out came the shovel from the garage. This time, it was HORRID compared to the morning shovel. As I pushed from HALF of my driveway width to the other, the snow was already tight enough where I could push no more. The snow was wet and heavily packed in and was not the nice fluffy stuff that’s easy to move around. I decided to bring out my (very shitty) snow-blower, which had failed the last 3 times I’ve tried to use it. In this entire winter, it has only worked once. I will endeavour to buy one for the next winter, however, this thing is a piece of shit. I’ve already been angry with it the previous times, but with how bad the snow has been, it only compounded the situation. As I tried to start it for the 5th time, I had enough of it. I took my shovel and slammed against it. I hissed under my breath that if it still didn’t start up, it was forfeiting its life. Pulled on the engine rope, sputtered and no-go. That was enough of that, I drew my axe out from my garage and beat the shit out of it. My mom was yelling at me since she hates it when I get furious. I admit, I can have a temper sometimes, especially when things fail me. I do not tolerate failure of things like this and it pisses me off, especially when I need it most. If it is not willing to cooperate, why should I keep it around? I now have a partially destroyed snow-blower. If I was any less rational, I would’ve loaded both my guns and shot the shit out of it. Things in my house do not defy me unless they want to be blown to bits. Luckily, I was still in the right mind to know that shooting a gas-filled snow-blower is not very smart.

I continued to plow the driveway and while doing so, that’s when it dawned to me the thing about growing up, taking up responsibilities and also accepting the fact, these will likely be on-going responsibilities, sometimes with increasing complexity. As I was pushing the snow around, I thought to myself, this is going to be pretty much how the rest of my life will play-out. Whether I am plowing it for my own or not, my responsibilities extend beyond my “own” life. I thought about how in the future, it will likely be me getting up at dawn, plowing the driveway and making sure the kids and bebe will be able to get to work and school on time. I realized that I may need to be the one to drive them around, whether to school or to work on bad days – while still having to get myself to work. I realize that I may need to have breakfast ready when they wake up and pack their lunches… things I don’t have to do now and simply never bothered crossing my mind about having to just be grown up and letting responsibilities evolve from easy to hard. I have to return home, get dinner prepared, kiss the kids and bebe as they walk through the door, smile – even if my day has been shit. It’s just about being responsible to carry your own burdens and not pass them to your family. At night when bebe and I lie next to each other, I have to make her feel like she’s in the spotlight, even if I want to be the center-of-attention. I have to listen to her talk while I’m dead-tired. Nevertheless, she’s my baby, I chose to marry her and have wonderful kids together – these are my responsibilities and choices. Where once shoveling the driveway was to ensure I could get out to work, it will mean so much more when I have to do it for our kids and do it for bebe.

There are many obligations we have in life, whether we are prepared for them or not – life does not care. Life does not care whether you WANT to deal with them, they throw it at you anyways and EXPECT you to. I asked myself, am I ready to take on these responsibilities? Am I ready to be a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good father? The only thing I’m sure of right now is I’m ready to be a good son – or so I try. These responsibilities are something we choose to sacrifice ourselves for – I realize that once you have “others” involved… your life is not simple anymore.. you are not thinking for 1, you are thinking for 2 or perhaps many. Such is growing up and that is perhaps why some people choose to stay single or not have children. You’ll notice that many couples who do not have children are often much younger for their age – because they simply do not carry the same stress and burdens. They need not consider saving money for future-planning and they don’t have to worry about leaving money behind. They can earn a dollar and spend a dollar. They don’t need to stick to a schedule that revolves around someone else. However, as much as all those things sound alluring, I would have to say I still love the family life. As much as it will suck that I have to get up before bebe and the kids to and prepare everything, be the one to fall asleep last after having tucked them away, I’m willing to do so. Knowing that I have a world full of responsibilities waiting for me as bebe and I get serious and bring new life into this world, I stand steadfast and anxious.

These responsibilities are often sacrifices on our behalf. Responsibilities come with rewards and also comes with much juggling. What is the most important to tackle at X time or is Y-item more important? Everything bears on your shoulders and perhaps I’m thinking VERY old fashion, where the guy is the “man of the household” (I can hear the feminists knocking my door now), bebe and the kids rely on me to stay strong and to protect them. The protection may be physical, emotional, psychological or just a sense of security, but I cannot be the weak link… I’m not being strong just for me, when I may feel like breaking down to cry, but I have to be there for them. Just a few nights ago when bebe was yelling at me, she told me she couldn’t feel that happiness when she gives/sacrifices for me. It was like being stabbed in the heart and the knife being slowly pulled out. How would you feel if someone you loved and cared for told you something like that? I was stricken… I felt like as if my whole life had just washed away. Although now things have calmed down and perhaps those words were simply said in-the-moment, the pain still needs to be diluted. Honestly, I wish I could delete those words from my head, as easy as I could delete it from my phone, but alas… such is not the case. Even now when I reread what she wrote me, I get shivers down my spine.

In a way, I’m kind of looking forward to having more responsibilities and as tough as it may be, it’s a good indication of happiness. Sometimes there’s no way you can put into words how to pay someone back for how they have helped. You cannot put a price-tag on everything in life and although waking up at 6AM to make breakfast for bebe may not be the most thrilling prospect of my life, if even she gave me that smile and kiss before she goes past the doors in the morning, all of a sudden, that alarm going off at 6AM may not suck so much. It took me a lot of time, considering whether I wanted to buy bebe’s Valentine’s Present, because it is the most I have ever spent on a girl before. The present was very much from deep down.. that is.. deep down from my heart and from my pockets, LOL. I’m not going to kid you, that set my credit card quite a bit and that’s why I want her to wear it often. I hope she brought it out with her this time and wore it… and that I can see that beautiful necklace on her when I see her on Sunday. So many small things in life mean so much… more than what people could ever place a “value” on it.

Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved

Hrm… maybe I should not have used the word “loved” – but hey, it’s much catchier title. Today, talking to my cousin about my many love concerns, his maturity really helped me see things through. I definitely consider my “ways of thinking” to be older than my own age, but it always helps to talk to someone you can truly trust for great advice. I’m an interesting person because I have friends of all ages, all from teenagers all the way to the retiree. Because of that, I make a great social networking (not the Facebook type) because I’m not afraid to reach out to those younger and those older. Although I usually do not burden those around me with my concerns, they are always willing to lend an ear, a hand or whatever help I need whenever I speak up. I’ve talked to handful of people only about my relationship with bebe, because it is complex, sometimes frustrating but then I also go on my very long raves about how amazing of a girl bebe is to me!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

I look bad, thinking about how the past 2 years I’ve known bebe that transpired. Do I regret it? Do I regret reaching out to her in the first place, introducing myself and sending myself into a year of torment and half a year of being ignored – for the sake of the past 4 months of happiness? Do I regret that this will all be a waste of time if things don’t work out? What steps do we take from here? Do I play it nice or do I have to be a rough-guy to get bebe’s attention? All these questions floated in my mind when I talked to my cousin. I think to myself, there is nothing I regret about this relationship. Ask me to re-live it all over again and I would’ve made the same choice, to love bebe like I love her today, even if I have to go through the years of pain. The pain is not over however, as I still struggle every day worrying whether she will stay with me. Every day, I lose a few extra strands of hair over the stress she causes me – but I’d have it no other way. Ask a loving parent if they would still have that naughty child of theirs if they could turn back the hands of time and they will fearlessly say, “Yes I would.” That is the same way I feel about bebe, I will love her until death do us part and I want to take care of her in this lifetime to eternity.

So why does my topic title say, “Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved” you may ask? It is because as I was reflecting upon everything in our relationship, about me as an individual and about her as an individual, I take time to bring my thoughts together, analyze what she has conveyed and said to me and it makes me very happy. I cannot say that I do not wish more out of this relationship right now, but certainly, we are not moving backwards. Although I’ve briefly mentioned this in comments to one of my best friends on my blog before, I thought about all the things that bebe has pointed out to me – things that I perceive differently or only something that she can point out for me to see. Because we are both different people with a different mindset, sometimes she has to say to me, “You are important to me and I can prove it because…” because not everything, I hold in the same regards as she does or do not place the same value onto it. Let me explain further.

DISCLAIMER: I don't expect sex on the first-date, this pictures is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

DISCLAIMER: I didn't ask bebe for sex on the first-date, this picture is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

On our first date together, she let me into her room. In fact on several occasions, she walked out of her room, leaving me unattended. It truly shows her trust in me, even though our first date, we hardly known each other. Was she not afraid I’d steal something? Was she not afraid I’d leave something bad in her room? On our first date, we also laid next to each other. No one here knows bebe well enough to know that she is a very conservative girl – probably the most innocent girl next to being a nun. To have each other on the same bed (I stress we didn’t DO anything), is a deep sign of comfort. I had “gone further” that day than she had intended and she wasn’t comfortable with it. I held her hand and even her shoulders when we went out, she didn’t lash back. Later, she was honest with me that she was uncomfortable we did that on a first date (even though I had felt comfortable in doing so). To not make the situation awkward, she didn’t express it to me at that time. This shows the respect she had for me to have considered my feelings. Up to today, she’s given me second chances… in fact, LOTS of chances for us to rekindle our relationship and not have sought another guy, that shows lots of loyalty. Last but not least, recently she’s expressed a lot of things she’s been doing all along on our behalf – to make this relationship work. We have known each other for a long time, lots of downs and lots of ups… but the weird feelings she has not ever been able to express, she’s trying to fight it down and has put forth much effort because whether it shows or not, I am “someone special” to her. To me, this is above and beyond commitment.

Lets look back at everything I’ve highlighted in red. Trust, comfort, honest(y), respect, loyalty and commitment. These things are the core principle of any outstanding relationship. While bebe and I have many steps to take together, I feel so positive about it, more so than ever before. The difference with this time around, even SHE believes we can do it. Before, it was all optimism on my part (as far as I knew, I could be wrong) that my love will help light the path for her… but now, even she’s beginning to crawl towards this glorious path we have yet to walk together on. Although her feelings for me are still buried deep down within, she is willing to bring herself to draw those positive feelings out for me and that she can play a big role in moving this relationship in the right direction. I am touched and honoured, to have met her and to be given a chance with her. I am blessed that I will one day be able to “officially” call her my girlfriend, my wife and the mother to our children. Combine all those values stated above and we know that by no means is this not a sign of love, whether we’d like to believe it or not. The proof is in our worldly history, omnia vincit amor a Latin phrase from Eclogue X by Virgil – love conquers all.

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

The reason why it is so important to reflect upon things in life is you find yourself transcending above what normally passes through your mind. Also, it allows your mind to set into place of someone else. Bebe and I are individuals, we do not see things alike and therefore, what she holds in great value, she has to point out for me to understand. Likewise, certain gestures and things I do for her from my heart, sometimes she does not always see and I have to point it out to her that to me, such an action is of great importance or represents something that I do only for her. We both put innumerable and indescribable effort towards this relationships – most of which the other side is blind to seeing. I cannot even describe all the things I do for her to win her over and likewise, I cannot fathom what she has to go through to bring herself to a level of comfort to accept me. We both have our faults, faults – not as in blame – but faults, as in our inability to express the struggles that we BOTH put ourselves through… and for what? For the sake of each other! Still, what does this all have to do with my blog entry title? It is because it sucks to be wrong that I complain about bebe not putting in effort or seemingly blame her for not showing that I am someone special in her life. As much as I dislike being wrong in life (as much as it happens), this is one of those situations that I’d much rather be loved and be wrong.

She puts into perspective that if I’m truly not “someone special” to her… she would not have even bothered going this far for us. She could very well pack up, leave and have her “old life” back – something which as much as our relationship is strengthening, still a very worrying factor. She is letting me take her out of dates and regularly keeping in touch in an attempt to open the doors of communication to each other – that is something she repealed for a year until she felt like she could partially accept me in her life. By bebe making that step to talk to me again, she sealed the fate of my happiness and also gave HERSELF a second chance at having a guy who’s willing to love her 101% – which is not just what “any guy” can give her, THAT of which I am certain (yes yes, I can have quite the self-confidence sometimes). Now constantly, she is making great strides into bringing me from “someone important” to “someone she cannot live without” and that is an ABSOLUTE BLESSING for me. I cannot even convey in words, how much her actions mean to me. Someone on my blog said to me that it seems like I’m more unhappy with bebe, rather than being more happy with her. I replied saying that really, only the two people IN the relationship truly knows what it feels. I can only speak for myself, but without a doubt I am happy with her and count the day I have met her to be the most wonderful day of my life. A lot of people count their wedding or when they have their first child as the best day ever… but I’m realistic and consider that the day we met IS the day that I will cherish forever because without that day, the “best day ever” of being married or having children would all be impossible.

It is imperative that bebe and I continue to have the drive to move this relationship forward. Once we hit that point where we are comfortable enough to let things go on “auto drive” – then we know that nothing else could possibly go wrong. We have been through so much with each other that I think that hardly anything in the future would be as great as an obstacle as this. The good thing is that once bebe knows that I am ‘the one’ and that she can settle with me, things will simply fall into place and we don’t need to suffer through the latter trials which other couples endure. I suppose I’d much rather “suffer now” – than “suffer later”… and suffer I have already, LOL! I feel very lucky to be that ‘someone special’ for bebe… I just hope that soon, we can get rid of that love-sucking monster that’s inside of her so that she can EXPRESS that love to me and that finally, she can fully absorb the love I want to give her!

Although I had thought that love is an definitive moment of an accomplishment and that when bebe one day utters the words, “I love you” to me that it would be THE everlasting dream… all of a sudden, I realize that as my love grows for her each and everyday, that it is not about waiting for the final outcome, but that as a well known quote said, “Love is a journey, not a destination.” Although bebe doesn’t quite love me today or tomorrow, she will one day and her love for me will grow just like mine has for her, we will look back and remember how we got to that very day and that the journey we took to get there!

Every time I go to the temple to pray, I ask the heavens to bless bebe and I…
百年好合, 白头偕老, 早生贵子 and of course most importantly, 永结同心!

Cold, Hot, Cold — Warm?

Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.

Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.

We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.

We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.

We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.

So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!

With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.

Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…

I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?

On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀

The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.

I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?

Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.

I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.

Friday Night in Heaven

Friday Night HeavenYou know what a Friday more awesome than Friday’s already are? Getting to spend it with the girl you love! Damn tonight was pretty great… and I was totally surprized by bebe sending me a message to see if I could pick her up. I mean, there’s two ways I can see this… 1) she looks for me when she wants something from me, or 2) she wants something from me but would also like to see me. I’m hoping more so #2 is the case rather than #1. I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone, picking her up from her friend’s place in another city, bringing her back and also spending some quality time with her – but I also don’t want to become this “slave” to her bidding – I do want a nice balance of “I’m more than happy to be a nice guy and do things for you, but I’ll expect I get some appreciation from it” and I think that’s a pretty fair expectation. Appreciation can be shown in many forms and tonight, I felt pretty warm inside when I went home.

You know, bebe and I aren’t the typical couple at all… you know, most “new” couples go through the whole attached-at-the-hip stage. I don’t think we’ve really gone through that phase and that’s why I always consider bebe and myself to be living more of a “matured” relationship rather than a new one. When people first get involved, they find themselves not being able to be apart for more than second. The second the person leaves their sight, they want them back. When going home, you just want to tell them, “Aww.. can’t you stay for just a few more minutes PPULLEEASSEE?” – those are the true signs of a ‘new’ relationship! For bebe and I… we can pretty much survive without seeing each other for a while, yet pick up where we left off. And no doubt, I do miss her when I don’t see her for a period of time, but we’re also not exchanging 500 text messages a day or chatting via IM. We are more like the “been together for a while” type of couple – we do our own things, get together ‘if we have time’ and very docile couple.

Inseparable CoupleI suppose one of the few complaints I have about when we get together is that she always makes it seem like I’m more of a bother being in her presence than when I am not. For instance, I was just lying on her bed and I wanted to just rest my eyes because I’ve been so exhausted driving for 3 hours. A bit of understanding and a girl would offer to let you get a few moments of shut-eye for a SAFE drive home. Instead, she tells me I’ve “seen her since 3” and it was 9PM at the time. So I saw her for a total of 6 hours when I haven’t seen her for a week and that is already “too long”… I mean, really, fucking really? When I think of spending dating time, even “once a week” is too little, let alone less than half a day of time spent together is not enough and she’s already complaining about me staying too long. More so of the fact I just wanted to close my eyes just so that I can concentrate on driving home. I would not dare expect she even offer to let me stay the night, because we all know that won’t happen, but to even let me rest a moment – I was denied that.

I left her a spot for her to sit beside me, she purposely moved her laptop to the table to use it rather than sit next to me. I was slightly perturbed and wanted to hit the wall, but I decided against letting my temper take the better of me. So I finished taking her to buy groceries, out for dinner, bringing her home from a different city, helping her with her computer and she can’t even sit next to me and have a nice talk or something together before ‘suggesting’ that I leave. I hate the distance she casts between us… yet at the same time, many moments throughout the night, we’re so close to each other and things are like having heaven on earth. There’s a major issue when you feel 6 hours with someone is too much, what happens when you’re under the safe roof and have kids? You want to throw your kids away after they’re born 6 hours later? I mean if there was consistency though with her actions, I would consider it legit. Yet, she sees me for 6 hours and thinks I’ve stuck around too long, but she’s stayed for week-on-ends at her friends place, seeing them for many more hours in a day than she sees me, yet she doesn’t get tired of being with them – that’s the only reason why I get frustrated with her claims, because it doesn’t match “all around”…

Bebe and I tonight had some pretty lighthearted conversation 🙂 I’m quite happy and content with how tonight turned out, minus being a bit grumpy when she practically kicked me out of the house, LOL. Ok, so it wasn’t that severe, but it was rather unprecedented. The reason why I usually spend so much time with her on a single day is because we don’t spend enough days together. Let’s just say that we regularly said, we’re going to see each other several times a week or even specific “date nights”, then that’d be all fine and dandy. But we don’t have set days we see each other, so it may be 1 week or 1 month that I don’t see her again. It’s kind of shitty that way, because that’s the REASON why I always linger around, because I don’t know when the next time she’ll be available again. If we spent more smaller periods of time over a week together, I’d be less inclined to always stick around after activities. The thing is, she already has this super bad habit of ignoring me, whether by Facebook, MSN or whatever.. I’m starting to lose reliable methods of contact, when I send her a MSN message, I don’t fucking know whether she gets it because she likes to block, unblock, hide and all that rude shit that who-knows-why someone can justify doing that to someone who cares so deeply about her. This isn’t a matter of blocking the random freak you met at a bar or your ex-best friend who stole your boyfriend, she’s finding ways of “hiding” herself from the man who wants to give her a world – is that fucked or what? I’ve already told her, I’m insistent that the more she hides from me, the more I will find things out about her and her friends in more resourceful and probably, more defiant ways.

No communication accessIf she was just honest to me or say if she didn’t feel like chatting to just tell me, “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “Sorry, now’s not a good time” rather than treating me like I should be ignored, I’d be much more amiable and feel better about myself. Today, we ran over the topic of confidence and I was about to mention to her that sometimes that lack of self-confidence I have is because she steps on my confidence level. To me, I like to reassure her that she is my one-and-only girl on my mind, that she’s absolutely beautiful and not even her most ‘beautiful’ friends could beat her out and that practical and justifable things that she does, I would support her without a doubt! To me, when it comes to communication, all she does is make me feel like shit, make me cry and completely hurt when she feels it is NECESSARY to hide/block me from communication methods. It’s a good thing that having some knowledge about breaking Facebook and MSN that I can still manage to get by some of the sneaky things she does to me, but lets face it, I should NOT have to do those kind of things against the woman I love. The communication sometimes even has breakdowns where I may say something and she’ll just have no reply. This isn’t just even by text, she even does that in person 😆 and sometimes just replies to me in grunts… I thought replying using grunts was a guy thing to do? Like when we watch TV and girls are disturbing us, we just grunt as a reply, HAH.

You know, most girlfriends keep their boyfriends as the one person who can find her in the MOST ways possible. I let bebe know every way she can get a hold of me, even a private number that I don’t tell most of my friends. I have her able to see me on Facebook, MSN, or any other communication method even if I don’t let others see me, because I want to be fully accessible to her. In her mind, she needs to be fully accessible to everyone BUT me… that is a shit-can-in-a-toilet-bowl. Please feel free people to tell me how such an action is justifiable under the scenario where we are supposed to be open, trusting and loyal to each other? So I had left my remote session desktop open on her computer, luckily I didn’t have any of my tools active, LOL… and I just casually mentioned to her she hadn’t talked to me on MSN since Feb 26th and she says, “Oh, that isn’t so long ago”… um.. it is Mar 4th today honey, that’s quite a friggin while. Anyways, enough of a bitching, I just get frustrated with all the excuses she has because it “only applies to me” and no one else 🙄 The good thing is that I can be assured bebe will never be a criminal… or at least not a good criminal, because she’s a terrible liar 😛 she couldn’t hide the most important of things if she wanted to XD

So we finally did some domestic stuff today like buying groceries together. We are such a wonderful couple XD I mean, I look like a servant ‘cuz I follow behind her, but I feel so gosh-darn happy just seeing her shop and being able to walk around with her, help out, discuss things – very “family-like” feeling, just like mom and dad. In both of the markets we went too, I was being a good boy and avoided going to my favourite section as not to have to drag her to look at stuff with me, haha. Although come to think of it, I do need to ask her to buy a package for me at T&T which apparently for some reason, I seem to be afraid of buying that stuff at Asian places – maybe because there seems to be more eyes and people here tend to be more judgmental!

So what a beautiful night and we wrapped up it nicely with a nice tight hug. I was even surprized at her pulling me in close and the force she managed to do it with, LOL. I’m a pretty big guy and not easy to move… and she’s this cute tiny girl who apparently has quite the power to pull me in an inward motion successfully 😀 I felt so close to her, her body so warm against mine and for a moment, we were one – our hearts beating one on another… soooo sweet it’d make anyone melt. Nevertheless, it was rather rushed as it was quick, abrupt and out the door, rather than savouring the moment. When you give people intimate-type hugs, you hold them and want to be inseparable. For her, she hugged, wrapped up and practically threw me out the door, lol. We just need to work on some physical intimacy and getting used to the feeling of each other and that’s it, our relationships is flying up, up and up! 😆

Improvement is goalI feel so blessed today at how great my Friday was,  despite my complaints, they’re just areas of improvement for us! I hope everyone else had a beautiful Friday, good night 🙂 Amy, I won’t lie… I’ve spent the entire night fantasizing about bebe, LOL… such an awesome experience 😉

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect & Having Standards vs. Being Picky

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

I really like these articles I find. I’m into self-improvement because I really want bebe to love me and find ways to be a more effective boyfriend and one day hopefully, husband. I think there’s no person too “perfect” to believe that they can always be better, while still being satisfied with themselves. Satisfaction, yet striving to improve are mutually independent things. One can be happy with who they are, yet continue to believe they have space to grow! “Beauty is in the imperfection“, I love it! 😀

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect?

By Sara Koonar (www.29secrets.com)
Why disputes and disagreements are a good thing

Is your relationship everything you’d dreamed of? Or is you idea of perfect not making you as happy as you thought it would? Arguments, challenges and set backs are what make us stronger and help us create a lasting bond. When you find Mr. Right and things are going smoothly, a little too smoothly, you have to wonder how you will grow as a couple if you have absolutely nothing to work on. Without those bumps in the road, our relationships become boring and unproductive. Building trust and falling in love means completely tearing down your walls and showing that person who you really are. No one is perfect, and if you are pretending to be something you are not, you simply can’t be yourself and you can’t be happy.

Anger is a Good Emotion
Constant disputes or never agreeing on anything can be a stress on most couples, but the occasional fight can help improve our communication skills and help us hash out our feelings. Keeping everything inside and putting on a fake smile is doing you and your partner a disservice. Being able to be open up about your feelings and opinions is what builds a strong partnership. Feeling comfortable enough to show your ugly cry or scream at the top of your lungs means you trust that person to love you at your lowest points.

Love is Blind
If you feel you need to act, dress or look a certain way that is opposite to who you are in order to make your partner happy, you should take a look at the sacrifices you are making and consider whether or not they are worth it. The greatest part of a relationship is being able to be yourself and know that you are loved. Wanting to be beautiful for someone is one thing, but completely changing to fit into someone else’s ideals is not okay. Stand up for yourself and let your partner know that you like who you are and they should too.

Beauty is in the Imperfections
If you can laugh at his loud snoring that keeps you up all night or tease him about his not-so-suave dance moves, loving your partners “imperfections” is what a great relationship is all about. Knowing what makes each other tick or finding out his deepest and darkest secrets is what makes your bond special. Having that connection with him is priceless and more perfect than a relationship that is based on shutting up and smiling through it.

I wonder if my bebe has “standards” or is “too picky” XD I guess I’ll have to find out the hard way 😆

Having Standards vs. Being Picky

By Nora McInerny (www.29secrets.com)
How to tell the difference

You know that it’s better to be single than to compromise your standards. Your coupled friends, your mother and your gynecologist insist that you’re being a little too picky. So who’s right?

Standard:
Having a type. If you know that you’re a preppy princess, then you can feel free to weed out the skinny hipsters from your banker boy dating pool.

Being Picky:
Okay, so you like your guys clean cut. But is it necessary for any man you date to wear exclusively Brooks Brothers, part his hair on the side, have a perfectly hairless chest, drive a Saab and own a vacation cottage? When you’re looking for one specific person, you’re going to miss out on a whole lot of quality humans.

Standard:
A gainfully employed gentleman who takes pride in his career. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who is interesting in building a secure and comfortable future with you.

Being picky:
Wanting a dude with a career you’re specifically interested in bragging to your friends about. Not all the good guys end up being doctors or rocket scientists, and who knows? If you expand your horizons beyond the astronaut you’ve always dreamed about, you just may meet the insurance actuary who will sweep you off your feet.

Standard:
Someone who has common interests. Life is more fun when you have someone to share the things you love!

Being picky:
Someone who has everything in common with you. You’re wonderful, but you don’t need a carbon copy of yourself. Breaking up with a dude who doesn’t share your list of desert island movies or whose iTunes Most Played list makes you cringe is going a step – or six – too far.

Sometimes these articles are nice, because it gives ideas from angles that I would never see. Men and women are distinctly different in how they think and perceive things… and I mean it could be said since we’re all “individuals” – but men and women often have attributes that are “like” their ‘own kind’ (as in male/female). I laugh whenever I ask my girl-friends things about bebe or how women perceive things and they often all have a resounding similar answers to each other, while when I ask my guy-friends, they often all reply with thoughts similar to mine 😀 I don’t try to make an analysis out of everything, but it is almost amusing to see how sometimes our brains all walk on the same line 😆 Something that makes it harder is that bebe doesn’t think like the “typical girl” all that time, so I end up not always being able to rely on my girls for “girl-like” advice XD HAH!

Credit Card Shock

Ok… so really, I’m not that shocked about my current credit card balance (and only ONE of them too, LOL), because I’m quite aware of my spending. If you have been paying attention to the blog, you’ll also know I’ve been trying to actually “utilize” my money and actually spend more of it to entertain and/or generate some monetary happiness, so it wasn’t like I “wasn’t expecting” to see these numbers. It is shocking only because I rarely see it this high 😆 .. and plus, I needed a catchy topic title, harhar.

I was going through my list of like 20 some-odd transactions, trying to figure out how much of it was pleasure-related and trying to separate it from business-related payments, since I also run purchases for my own company through this particular card. Looks like this month, I’ve spent quite a bit for ‘personal’ use and the numbers are starting to rack up. Just this weekend alone I spent quite a bit of money, particularly on food, haha! You know those weekends that you just go out and spend money like crazy? This was one of them. You’ll feel the pain a month down the road when the bills come flying in, lol.

And if you think these numbers actually included my plane ticket or spending in
Hong Kong, I’ll have you know those amounts were cleared a long time ago and all this spending contributing to the following picture is all from the past month since I’ve returned to Canada. I suppose I should really bend over now, lube up my ass and just wait until the next credit card statement lands on my desk.

Current owing amount and the billing period isn’t even over yet…

My ass hurts... $$$

My ass hurts... $$$

And so I proceeded to read an article which made me laugh because I realized why I spent more this year (other than my changes in spending habits) than any other during this-time-of-the-year…

Valentine’s can be considered an economic stimulus that helps to boost sales in between Christmas and Easter. According to Reuters News Agency, for Valentine’s Day 2011, the average American couple will spend $189, which is three times more than what singles generally spend on an average date ($67).

Man.. people go on expensive dates, LOL.. actually, I never calculated how much I spend taking bebe out. Come to think of it, I might actually spend more than that in a day with her 😐 Eep! There’s a good reason why bebe and I don’t go out every night, I’d be poor afterward XD

According to estimates from the National Retail Foundation, the average person will spend $116.21 on Valentine’s Day merchandise this year, this figure is up almost 13% percent over last year’s $103.00. Overall, this will bring total Valentine’s Day spending to about $15.7 billion.

 

Some people barely have money to eat, and here we are spending over $100 on gifts… ick.

The survey also found that overall spending is expected to be up this year. Consumers will fork over $3.5 billion on jewelry this Valentine’s Day, up from 2010’s estimated $3 billion.

Woooo, I’m part of the statistic this year! LOL.. I’m contributing to that 3.5 billion, haha.

No changes are expected on who will spend more; men will spend the most on Valentine’s Day gifts. The average man is anticipated to spend $158.71, more than double what the average woman will spend.

 

That’s bullshit 😛 Why do us guys have to pay more? 😆 I thought men and women were supposed to be equal in societal standards now, haha.

According to Reuters, young professionals plan to spend $255 for Valentine’s with their significant other.

Hrm… how to define young professionals?

I was just talking to one of the girls at work today and she pretty much said as well Valentine’s Day is really a waste of money – or rather – if you’re going to buy gifts or do sweet things for your partner, that can be done any time, rather than on a “specific day”… and yes, while I agree with that, it’s also nice to mark a special occasion like this. However, give it a few more years and when bebe and I get married, v-day may not really be all that special 😀 HAHA!

I think it’ll be very quick that the next time I check my credit card tally that it’s going to be pushed over the 3,000 mark.. ooohh boy. Looks like I’ll be eating Mr. Noodles for a while 😛

Contraceptive Options – Know Before You Act! (Birth Control)

Options of Preventing Pregnancy

So you may wonder why I have such an odd “non-related” topic on my blog – but in reality, the likelihood is if you’re pregnant, that you’re not going to be getting your period, so I guess in a way, it IS a related matter, lol. What inspired me to write this little blog post (and yes it will be “little” because there is just way too much to cover) is that I was listening on the radio on the drive to work and one of the hosts mentioned that in Canada, they found that many women are actually unaware of the many contraceptive choices that are available to them. I would dare wager that the 2 most well-known contraceptive methods are the pill and condoms. I have done my best to do proper research, but feel free to correct me if mistakes are found as I am more than happy to learn, particularly from those with anecdotal experiences. I have yet to be with a girl who uses such contraception, particularly with a lack of knowledge about the pill and administering techniques other than by hearsay, so my knowledge may be iffy on that.

So many contraceptive choices!! What do you do?

So many contraceptive choices!! What do you do?

Suffice to say, while those two methods are well-known and used by many who choose not to have children at the moment (or never), they are not the only options available at this day in age. In this entry, I hope to gain some insight myself and also help open the world of contraceptive options to men and women. Where do men come into play? Well obviously contraceptive choices between couples or consenting adults is recommended when there is no intention to cause pregnancy. I should mention before I start this post that I’ll be concentrating on avoiding pregnancy in this posting, but should point out that most contraception forms do not protect against Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) and Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD).

Birth Control Pill (or “the pill”):

The basis of “the pill” is to prevent ovulation through a mixture of hormones, estrogen and progesterone. By suppressing ovulation, there is no egg released by the ovaries to to be fertilized by male sperm, therefore eliminating the risk of becoming pregnant. In addition to inhibiting the ovulation process, the pill also works by thickening the mucus around the cervix, reducing the likelihood that sperm is able to enter the uterus in the event that a female egg has already been released. Due to the combination of hormones present in the pill, even if fertilization does occur, the changes to the uterus lining much harder for the fertilized egg to attach to the uterus wall.

Most of “the pill” packages come in a 21 or 28 day-use cycle. The pill is administered orally (I should make that clear that “orally” means through the MOUTH) daily and at the same time every day. Users of the 21-day pack is taken 21 days continuously where the user will then stop for 7 days before starting the next 21-day pack. Users of the 28-day pack will continue to take all the pills in the package, but the last 7 pills of the cycle are actually hormone-less, usually called a placebo, which really has no effect on the body other than maintaining regularity and familiarity in maintaining the habit of taking the pill daily. If a single dose is missed (other than the placebo pills), then the chances of contraceptive protection drops considerably, so it is imperative that the pill be taken effectively. For women who start using “the pill” – it takes up to 7 days for it to take effect, therefore those who are sexually active within that 7-day window should continue to use alternate contraceptive methods such as a condom.

There are variants of “the pill” (such as progesterone-only), and your health-care professional will be able to give you the best advice on which suits you the best. There are of course benefits and risks for using “the pill” and making it important for you to consult a professional and to research what is in your best interest to use as contraception. For some women, the use of “the pill” is highly discouraged if they have certain medical conditions, so “the pill” is not recommended for everyone. There are also emergency contraceptives, such as “Plan B” for those “oopsies, we had unprotected sex” scenarios that prevent an embryo from attaching the the uterus wall after fertilization. “The pill” requires a prescription to acquire, but “Plan B” is available over-the-counter.

Birth Control Pills

Birth Control Pills

Contraceptive Patch

The contraceptive patch works similarly to “the pill” by delivering the combined hormones through the skin. A “bandage-like” adhesive is applied to the abdomen, buttocks, upper arm or upper torso. The scheduled usage of the product is like “the pill” and carries generally the same benefits and negative side effects, only that the method of which the hormones enter the body is different.

Contraceptive Patch

Contraceptive Patch

Intrauterine Devices

IUD’s are devices implanted into the uterus to prevent pregnancy by preventing sperm from fertilizing an egg. These “T-shaped” devices can be left in the uterus for several years and are usually composed from plastic and copper. Recent ‘enhancements’ to IUD’s also allow them to be loaded with a hormone-containing device which slowly release hormones over time to help alter the menstrual cycle and suppress conception. The IUD acts as a “physical barrier” which hinders the ability for sperm to meet with an egg and also due to a foreign object (the IUD) irritating the uterus lining, it prevents an embryo from implanting onto the uterus wall. This device is not suitable for those who have reactions to copper as it may cause increase menstrual cramps and flow. On the contrary, hormone-releasing variations of the IUD have been known to reduce menstrual flow and regulate periods. Nevertheless IUD’s have the potential of being pushed out of the vagina due to natural contractions. IUD’s are a great contraceptive choice if a user wants to be able to quickly become fertile again (assuming one was fertile in the first place). IUD’s should be implanted with the skills of an expert practitioner.

Intrauterine Device

Intrauterine Device

Vaginal Ring

The vaginal ring works similarly to “the pill” by delivering the combined hormones through the vagina. A “ring-like” device is inserted into the vaginal which stops ovulation, thickens cervical mucus and creates a barrier to prevent sperm from fertilizing an egg. The scheduled usage of the product is like “the pill” and carries generally the same benefits and negative side effects, only that the method of which the hormones enter the body is different. It is possible for the ring to fall out and may cause vaginal irritation. If the ring is left outside the body for more than 3 hours, pregnancy once against becomes a risk and requires a 7-day window to become effective again. The vaginal ring can be inserted/removed without professional intervention.

Vaginal Ring

Vaginal Ring

Contraceptive Injections

Contraceptive injections containing synthetic hormones can be absorbed into the body via intramuscular injection. The hormones contained within prevent ovulation, thickens the mucus in the cervix and also makes the womb lining thinner to prevent an embryo from attaching to the uterus wall. Initial injections prevented pregnancy from 8 to 12 weeks, however, newer shots are said to last up to several months. Unfortunately, because hormones are injected directly into the body, they may stay resident in the body for up to 2 years, therefore resuming fertility is not as fast as other methods. Also, there have been riskier “aftermaths” even after discontinued use of contraceptive injections. With the use of contraceptive injections, menstrual periods completely stop (other than spot-bleeding) and do not become regular until a year or more of discontinued use of the product.

Contraceptive Injection

Contraceptive Injection

Implants

Capsules which release fertility-inhibiting hormones were implanted into a woman’s arm which could prevent pregnancy for up to 5 years. It was highly effective, however, side-effects were not properly communicated to customers which resulted in several class-action lawsuits. I’m not going to talk a lot about this method since it has been pulled off the shelves in North America.

Contraceptive Implants

Contraceptive Implants

Diaphragm

A diaphragm is the “female equivalent” of a condom, a barrier contraceptive method. A diaphragm is a latex or silicon device shaped in a dome which is inserted into the vagina to “block off” the contact of sperm and a released egg. Just like a condom, a diaphragm is inserted prior to sexual intercourse, however, unlike a condom, the device should be left in the vagina for another 6 to 8 hours (although debated due to lack of evidence/conclusion) from the last male ejaculation within the vagina. It is common that spermicide be applied to the rim and/or dome of the diaphragm prior to insertion. Diaphragms can be reused as long as they are properly cleansed and can be reused immediately if required. Care should be taken to avoid contact with oil, whether it is oil-based vaginal medication of lube as it causes the deterioration of the diaphragm. Depending on the material used to make the diaphragm, it may be used from anywhere between 1 to 10 years.

A fitting appointment is recommended with your health-care professional to assist in finding a diaphragm that fits each woman’s size and needs. Whether a diaphragm is too large or too small may affect the woman’s health and may increase the risk of pregnancy if a seal is not properly formed. The diaphragm covers the cervix and physically prevents sperm from entering the uterus. It should be noted that like tampons, diaphragms are susceptible to causing TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) when it is worn for periods of greater than 24 hours. A diaphragm does not affect future fertility opportunity and does not affect hormones or regular menstrual cycle in any way.

Diaphragm

Diaphragm

Closing

I hope this helps shed some light on the various birth-control options for everyone. For those of us who are in relationships, please be reminded that birth-control is not a one-sided decision and it’s best made with both parties involved. If you are having sex outside of a monogamous relationship, then it’s a totally different story. While it is rightful and legal for a woman to make a sole decision on birth-control methods, please do be considerate and include or at least consult with her partner on his/her feelings and objectives.

Your choice of birth-control may have irreversible or long-term effects, thus, it is advisable to also seek the opinion of your health-care professional. Also, some medical conditions you may have may exempt you from the opportunity to safely utilize some of these methods. There are many risks and rewards to using the above options and I have hardly even touched on the advantages and side-effects of the choices. It is also in your best interest to do prior research and then consult your medical specialist to help make the best decision, fitting to your scenario.

My First Meaningful Valentine’s Day

You know, having been with a few girls over my years of life, I must say this has been one of the most touching Valentine’s day I’ve ever experienced – well, at least for now – I’m sure bebe will make me love her more and more every year! Nevertheless, it took me a bit of time to consider whether I’d actually say this because it would seem rather unfair to my ex’s. With me ex’s, I never want them to feel as if they were an unimportant part of my life, because they really are and all with the exception of one, I still keep in (relatively) close contact with. My ex’s have helped me develop my relationship aptitude and helped me explore and engage myself in ways I never thought possible. Each one has paved the path of who I am today and that lucky for bebe (HAHA), she will hopefully get to be my final recipient of my love. So when bebe and I get married one day, she owes the way I treat her to all my ex’s who’ve made me the person I am today XD

But anyways, lets set the whole unfairness thing aside, this valentines I truly “feel” it… and I guess perhaps this relationship has delved into more serious emotions and connections than ones before. My most recent ex was probably the most unfortunate one because it was pure lust and perhaps we both used each other to satisfy our “rebounding” feelings. Having been with L for quite a few years, it took me a long time before I could even be with another girl… It wasn’t until 3-4 years later when my heart could even consider another person. L and I had some pretty good Valentines day and we certainly made it special for each other, whether nearby or afar, however, this Valentines with bebe so far away, I still feel super close to her, as if she was sitting right next to me with her head on my shoulders.

Then of course, many years ago, those teenage relationships you never expected to go real far. High-school relationships were either, 1) for pleasure, 2) for status quo and mostly, 3) experimentation. Unfortunately I never dated a girl for #1 which I’m not sure if I regret or not 😆 HAH! For #2 I thought was absolutely useless because a person should not rely on “a partner” to have a specific status within school and so of course I dated for #3. Back then, girls were just someone you’d hang out with after-school, do things with when you’re bored or just someone you could confide in private with… but really, I don’t think at that point a person can truly appreciate what true, lasting relationships are about… people come together and people fall apart in a whim, without repercussion. “Easy come, easy go” was a serious reality. I always thought to myself how disgusting it would be if I were to sleep with a girl who I know every one of my best friends have slept with or “been inside” with – urg, the thought is sickening.

I think it’s very common now that people adapted to the whole, “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy – if you’re with someone, it’s best you don’t know about their relationship-past or sexual-history. To be honest, I would think 4-5 years ago that I expected any girl that I’d be with to be a virgin (and by virgin, I mean REALLY virgin, as in no sex of ANY type, whether oral, anal or vaginal), but truly, I don’t expect any of the girls I know to be virgins anymore 😀 lol – it’s just not realistic. Bebe has always been interested in my past relationships, as she was always curious in knowing why my previous relationships failed. For me, I probably prefer not to know how many guys she’s been with, what they have done together and I just pretend that there was no one before me, haha, it’s much more settling that way.

So I came to this realization that this valentine is probably one of the most heart-felt one was due to the fact I truly truly FELT COMPELLED to get something for bebe. I know that she’s not big on receiving gifts from me, she’s one of those modern “financially independent” type of girls, but she certainly didn’t reject it either. I actually gave her a few necklaces to choose from and go figure, from all the choices I gave her, she chose the diamond one 😛 how typical girl, haha. I don’t mind though because if I offered it, then obviously I already budgeted to buy it for her initially. It was just amusing that when I was at the jewelery store, all the girls there that I know quite well from buying there a lot, all agreed that bebe would likely pick the diamond one because you know, girls just LOVE diamonds 😆 They said, “A girl will always buy the most expensive one that their boyfriend offers” and I laughed – because bebe did indeed choose the most expensive one.

My gift is not actually in this box...

Getting this present was not without hardships though. When I asked bebe the first time, they actually had a 10% sale going on and by the time she responded, the sale was over. I was still going to buy it even for regular price, but I decided to go to the store to bug them like a typical Asian to see if they would honour the discount even though it was technically over. Luckily, they told me they were restarting the discount due to popular demand the next day, so I told them I’d go make the purchase then… however, I also found out the necklace that bebe wanted was also out of stock at the store I usually go to, BLAH!

I was like OMFG, lol. I was trying to figure out whether they’d get it in and they suggested me to go visit other stores. Alternately, I could order online, but I’m not big on buying something before I actually get to see it, ESPECIALLY, when it comes to expensive things or jewelery. If I’m paying this much for it, it better be the guaranteed quality, correct diamond and gold karat composition and be the exact style as shown in the picture. So I was frantic of course, HOLY SHIT, I started scrambling to every store around the area possible to find it and if I couldn’t find it here locally, I’d drive to nearby cities to get it if I had to. So finally I found a place that sold the exact one bebe picked up and I was so happy! I always watch those movies and think how nutty guys are to look high and low just to get a gift for their lover, but now I truly understand the feeling and reasoning behind it… it’s such a huge disappointment when you can’t get the thing you wanted for someone you care about – so you’ll do ANYTHING just to get your hands on it. So I ordered it and then picked it up just yesterday after work. I left work early so I could “beat the rush” as many guys and gals would be picking up there Valentine’s gift after work due to the discount.

So can you believe it? Today, my mom goes on to “casually ask me more” about bebe. Not only that, but she “advised” me that I should make sure I take [bebe’s full name] out for valentines lunch/dinner to make up for the fact she’s not in Canada now. I can’t believe it, my MOM actually told me I need to take bebe out (not that I didn’t plan to, lol).. but she made it very clear that I SHOULD, haha. Since when did my parents become that involved in girls I like? 😛 Not only that, but I’ve never had a girl in my life who my parents cared so much about whether we actually stayed together, lol. Other than L, my parents didn’t care much for these girls, haha… in fact, the last one I had they utterly hated XD – ok so I guess that proves they did care about the results of my last relationship because they didn’t want me to end up with that girl :lol:… on a totally AWESOME note is the fact my mom: a) wants to get to know bebe more, b) actually remembers her name, c) seems to approve of her, and d) interested in helping me keep bebe and have a future with her … and of course not many people who read this blog know my parents, but if you did, you would realize that a, b, c, and d mean a lot given how little my parents have ever shown approval for a girl I got involved with. They did inquire (or I could say “blame”, hah) me for failing that relationship with L… and funny enough, even though my parents never met her, they seem to really like her. Who knows why… maybe it was ‘cuz she is SUPER PRETTY, haha. I still remember when I went out to Toronto to visit L one year, my dad was picking me up from the GO Train station and asked me why I didn’t try to kau (date/woo) L, but at that time, we had already broken up because she left me for a better looking guy 😦

In case anyone wonders what I got bebe… here it is! I’m actually quite proud of getting her something, not that I shouldn’t or something, but you know – I just feel good about myself and I don’t think there should be something “wrong” with that feeling. It makes me feel warm and tingly inside and even though she might not be quite ready to reciprocate my love for her, at least she acknowledges it, which is important 😀 I cut out the picture below so no one (unless you really like to backtrack links…) can find out where I bought it from and mainly that I’d get in so much shit for buying something so expensive for her, LOL… My friends were like, “You know.. most people only start buying diamonds for their girlfriend when they’re like… about to get married.. not just when you guys are starting out” – but hey, we’re not really ‘just starting’.. or well, the whole situation is complex, but at least we’ve “been seeing each other” for a good year and a half now, so it’s not like we’re total strangers or something and plus, bebe is such a good girl that she’s totally worth spoiling!

How bebe has somehow mesmerized my entire family into liking her, I have no idea, LOL. She’s managed to meet only two of my aunts plus my cousin and my whole family is all happy over her already. She only exchanged a few words with my aunts and maybe a few paragraphs with my cousin 😛 I mean, I know my family has a habit and talent of judging people quite quickly in even the smallest exchange of words and obviously, they all seem to think she’s an excellent girl for me to be with and that we’d make a great couple. I don’t mind them thinking that of course, because it gives me the support/encouragement, as well that I know she will be a great “fit” into my family since everyone’s already given her the “thumbs up” – and particular in Asian families or I should say my family, that approval is extremely hard to earn/obtain! Even my mom agrees that I should “put forth effort” towards bebe, so I can always claim that my own taste/judgments of girls can sometimes be questionable (à la my last relationship, lol), but so far, everyone I know really want to meet her and think we’re definitely relationship-material and I’d say if I couldn’t trust myself in my own feelings for bebe, I can definitely trust others who are normally quite demanding of girls I’m with! All in all, this is a great sign – or at least for the family part. I still have to of course, win bebe’s heart over 😛

I went to Niagara Falls today to enjoy a show and a dinner and it was a great day, but at times like these, I really wish bebe was around here with me. I know she’s having a wonderful time with her family back at home (in fact, even HOME home!), so I while I do miss her greatly, I have to hold back my greediness back and have to respect the fact she has her own family and there’s more to her life than just me. Nevertheless, even if she’s at least thought of me once a day, whether for a split-second or for minutes, I’d still feel really touched and special in her life anyways! There are still a lot of struggles for us in the coming days, weeks and months, particularly with getting her settled here and solving “geographical” issues. I really want this to be the last relationship I’m in… because I love bebe so much! Surely given that there are so many people who can clearly see and even feel how much I care about bebe, that soon bebe will truly feel that she means the world to me and stay by my side and let me love and care for her – forever and always.

and of course… I like when people ask me questions like what’s posed in this song, I can answer using a music video… HAH:

The Temptations – My Girl

And because EMI Publishing is a bunch of fucktards and won’t let people stream off WordPress but can off of Youtube, you have to go there directly to listen to it. When I have time, I’m going to find a way around that. And you wonder why people don’t buy music legally anymore? Why the shit should I buy music when music companies do stupid stuff like this? I hope everyone keeps downloading illegally and puts those idiots out of business until they start embracing the real world. When I see their CEO’s begging on the street for food, I’m going to shit on their heads.

Top 10 Commandments for a Successful Relationship

Found a nice little article written by expert Dr. Teesha Morgan.. thought it’d be a nice post for everyone who struggles in their relationships with their special-someone. I know I’m not alone in my situation and there are many more like me, perhaps even some who are more deeply pained than I am, so perhaps if people just took a bit of time to acknowledge that love is not just all easy and painless like we see in movies and dream-up in fairy-tales.

Top 10 Commandments for a Successful Relationship

1. Thou shalt drop the Hollywood love theme and acquire realistic love life expectations

Relationships may start out in a blissful state of awe-inspiring romance, however this is called a ‘state’ or a ‘stage’ for a reason. When two lives eventually meld as one, the result can be tedious, mundane and exhausting. It is therefore up to you to keep that spark alive because no fairy godmother is waiting to hand you glass slippers and a prince reared to perfection.

2. Thou shalt combine duties and chores to become a team

Science has shown us that women often take the brunt of household chores, even when they are trying to juggle a job as well. Ask your partner to help split chores more evenly; the lessened household workload has been shown to increase sexual desire in women and decrease stress on all accounts.

3. Thou shalt banish your acting prowess and quit pretending nothing is wrong

Pretending you’re fine when you’re not benefits no one. This simply chokes communication lines and creates resentment and anger. Become an adult, and express your feelings.

4. Thou shalt not strive for the title of gossip queen

Although tiaras are fun to wear, this crown should not be one you’re proud to prance around in. Gushing out all your relationship problems to your girlfriends may help you blow off some steam, but bashing your man behind closed doors does nothing to improve your relationship, or your image.

5. Thou shalt be yourself

Faking an interest in hockey or a love of video games will do nothing more than place you on a phony pedestal and lead you on a pathway of misguided love.

6. Thou shalt take control of one’s own sexual satisfaction

No man is a mind reader, so if you’re not communicating a solid and specific thumbs up or down on his performance, then you have only yourself to blame for not reaching the highs that true orgasmic intimacy can bring.

7. Thou shalt not take on another lover (unless your partner may do so also)

Enough said.

8. Thou shalt have a life outside of the ‘we’

If we become too consumed with our partners and our relationship, we forget about ourselves and our goals to become a better individual – individual being the key word. Don’t become so involved in the ‘we’ that you lose a piece of yourself.

9. Thou shalt not obsess about obtaining bodily perfection

No one is perfect, even the airbrushed models we glamorize. The more we worry about our weight and stress about our imperfections, the more reserved we become sexually and the less beautiful we feel. Opening up your imperfect self to another is the first step to true intimacy and acceptance.

10. Thou shalt not try and ‘fix’ one’s partner, as they are not broken

The more we view our better halves as in need of mending, the more we project faults onto them and blame them for our unhappiness. Work from the inside out. Whether it’s personal or relationship based, only you can start making changes for life-long happiness.

I really like reading love articles, because I enjoy pursuing self-improvement. I know that I, along with every human in this world always has space to improve upon themselves. Although I know bits and pieces about love, I always enjoy learning more and seeing how I can be a better man and a better lover. Suffice to say, this is kind if like school… you can only learn so much, as experience is where you face the real-deal, but at least having a good foundation and knowledge will only help to better the situation! I want not only to be able to love bebe even better, but I also want to help her find ways to love me even more. It’s much harder for you to love another person than to give them reasons to love you, or at least, perhaps in my scenario.

I know some view it as silly to bother with reading relationship articles because it seems worthless, but to me, it sheds light on things that sometimes I don’t seem to be able to find answer to or things that I see from a different angle. Remember we all have different perceptions of relationships and love and sometimes being able to “hear the story from someone else” allows me to readjust my thinking. Sometimes when I spend time with bebe, I try to remember things I’ve learned, experiences I’ve been through, while maintaining my own individuality. I’m not going to “follow everything” like you do in school as if this is a ‘manual of love’ or ‘instructions’ – but rather, extract ideas and concepts pertinent to our situation to help us love each other.

Someone said something beautiful to me...

Once in a while, I have to rely on my friends just to cheer me up and set my mind straight when it comes to dealing with bebe. Every day, I endure a lot of stress, headaches and pains over trying to steer our relationship in the right path and having support gives me that strength. I really liked what my friend said to me XD gave me such encouragement, haha… and a good feeling! Of course I wish I got the same encouragement from bebe herself, but I guess I’ll just have to rely on friends to cheer me on until she will 😆 For those who didn’t know, Chinese New Years just passed a few days ago and getting excellent greetings and kind-words carries far into the year! Isn’t this great what my friend said to me about bebe and I? 😀

Uh huh, now let’s just hope this dream comes true soon, haha. Actually, I’m not so much concerned about the marrying part… we still have tons of time, but I’d sure like to get some progress into this relationship.. something realistic. It’s going to be an uphill battle because I’m trying hard to help bebe ‘have a life’ here… she’s kind of returning smack in the middle of winter and it’ll probably be super-depressing for her and it’ll really make her frustrated with how life is in Canada… it’s kind of a bad time to return since she’ll just be stuck inside her house and that is why I really want to give her a lifestyle that’s a nice mixture of realism and fantasy. Of course I want to help her find a job or at least something to make her days bearable as well as be able to spend time with her so she doesn’t feel like she came to a country to sit inside a jail-home. It’s cold and the conditions are bad outside, but I don’t want her to feel as if she’s alone here, she has ME whenever she needs me. I know she doesn’t have a habit of “relying” on people, but it’s a matter of simply having time to spend together so we don’t feel as lonely… this goes for both her and I.

We are a great couple and I can be a great boyfriend, she just has to give me a chance! I find that trying to secure a lifestyle for her in Canada is giving me more stress than when I was trying to find a job, LOL! But hey, what kind of guy would I be if I don’t show any type of effort for her right? This better pay off… hahahaha… I’m very easy to please, I just want her love! We’ll put all that physical intimacy aside until her arms are ready to open up, I just want her heart for now, especially for valentines day!!

Something for everyone to think about.. people ask me why if bebe shows so little towards me, that I can endure all the pain and somehow, cry myself through the night and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened… and I give them these quotes:

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
1942-, American Author


And why is it so persistent that I’d rather stick to bebe than to look for another girl who may more easily submit to me and love me with a lot less effort than her?…

Love (understood as the desire of good for another) is in fact so unnatural a phenomenon that it can scarcely repeat itself, the soul being unable to become virgin again and not having energy enough to cast itself out again into the ocean of another’s soul.

James Joyce
1882-1941, Irish Author

Bebe is worth fighting for, being brave for and risking everything for…. and my love for bebe is not as simple as giving her up, moving on to another girl and believing that I can love that girl like I love bebe. It may sound like I’m just “settling for her” just because… but you misunderstand, I am settling for her because I love her and I want to spend my life with her, however short or however long that may be.

Changes to Spending Habits – Living it Large

After returning from Hong Kong, I’ve found myself in living a different lifestyle. Where as I, prior to the trip, would be leary of spending, I am not finding myself spending on things that I would have otherwise spent a long time considering. Suffice to say, I haven’t won the lottery yet or make mounds of cash investing into stocks (again, YET) – but I am starting to utilize the money I’m earning more often and being less thrifty. The reason is not because I want to “show off” or to overindulge in using my money, but rather, something very important my uncle said to me (which I will translate to English). He said, “I am rich because I spend my money, not because I have lots of it. A rich person, is one who uses his money and enjoys it, regardless of his existing wealth. A poor person, is one who does not use his money and sits it in the bank, regardless of his existing wealth. When one uses money usefully, he (or she) is rich. When one does not use their money, no matter how much is in the bank, he (or she) is poor.

I have a habit of saving – saving for a rainy day and saving for my future family. I save a lot of money suffice to say and I’d wager every year (since I’ve been working), I’ve been storing just over 50% of my take home pay. I invest it, into my RRSP, into my supplementary pension plan, into my cash-able life insurance, into my TFSA and into stocks/funds. On good years, my investment income usually supplies me with 2-3 tickets of airfare to Hong Kong, so the reality is I could go there every year if I wanted to, and I may soon turn that into a reality.

But anyways, back onto my point. I’ve been living it large lately. I want to realize those dreams of “being rich” – not necessarily because I have lots of money, but because life is about enjoyment, making your comfortable and utilizing the resources that you have. Since I’ve returned, in the past 2 weeks I have been spending money more lavishly. This is particularly true with luxury items and with food. I also learned another very important aspect of Hong Kong lifestyle is that they invest majorly into 1 or both of the following: clothing and food. I’m not particularly interested in clothing, so I have adopted the 2nd, food. Another thing my uncle taught me, “You should learn that eating is not about filling your stomach the most for the least money. Food is about quality, not quantity. Therefore, you should aim to eat small portions of good food, rather than be concerned with feeling full by eating lesser foods.” My uncle is truly full of wisdom and he has both a Canadian and Hong Kong lifestyle perspective as he’s lived in both places. He does understand the need of why I save, but also encourages me to utilize money effectively and that does not necessarily equate to saving it all.

In the past 2 weeks, I’d say that I’ve already bought, or consider buying items that I would have taken a long time to justify and rationalize. Just over the weekend, I walked into Future Shop and bought a Wii Fit Plus. I did do some prior bargain hunting, but to no avail. I could’ve waited – but I didn’t… I just went out and bought it. Sure, it cost $20 more than if I waited for the next sale, but I want it NOW – and I got it. The computer and monitor rack that I got for bebe for her birthday, I wanted to give her my old video card so she could play her games and watch HD movies – but instead, I am now buying her a new video card. Why? Because I can and that she deserves it. Also, what kind of terrible boyfriend would I be, one who is a computer guy and giving his girl outdated stuff? 😛 I promised I’d buy myself a new pistol or rifle every year. I put one on order, a nice new revolver for me to play around with 😀 I used to fiddle with my iPhone headset every time I got into the car so I could legally use my phone (as it is outlawed in Ontario to hold a communication device while driving) and got tired of it – so I got myself a Bluetooth headset – and a nice one too, that responds to voice activation/commands AND is also capable of multiple language sets… of course I chose Cantonese 😆

As you can see, I’m spend less time thinking and more time buying! I know that the moral of the story goes both ways here. Some will say, “Hey, great, you’re satisfying your wants.” while others will spit in disgust and say that I’m wasting money needlessly. Also, in the next while, I will be installing a fireplace in my computer room so I’m nice, warm and cozy while I play, chat or do work on my computer! Yes, that’s right, I want to be luxurious and enjoy the money I’m earning. It wasn’t that I’m cheap on others, I tend just to be cheap on myself. I’ve spent more money on bebe than I have on any other girl I’ve dated… perhaps I dare say I’ve spent more on her than I have with all of my ex’s put together, LOL! I’m not quantifying my love for her via how much money I spend on her, but more of the fact she makes me feel and want to spend money on her. I spend money on my family and friends as well, because I don’t mind. We go out for nice meals, do costly activities – but still, I’m only cheap when it comes to myself. I’m turning that around – I want to be the one enjoying the fruition of the seeds which I have sewn myself.

I guess I’m a bit old fashion and perhaps that alpha-male part of me kicks in when I’m with bebe. By spending money on her and also, showing that I have financial stability is an implicit sign that I’m able to “take care of her”.. I mean this is TOTALLY 1950’s mentality, haha, but still, it’s born into us guys where we feel the need to have to ‘display’ ourselves and ‘prove’ that we’re capable. I’m not trying to bribe bebe with money or throw money at her in hopes of winning her love, but what I’m trying to do is to show that at the very least, I can be a successful boyfriend and future husband who can provide for her if necessary. I know I think “a bit farther ahead” because I’m older than she is and have different paths I want to walk in life, but the reality is that I don’t want to have a huge margin of income with her – which is the reality given both our careers. I have a very important topic I’d like to write on in the near future, the idea of social status and individual prestige, which will make what sense of what I’m trying to express above.

I’m already looking at the posted transactions that are coming through on my credit card already! This is probably the most I’ve spent in a while (not including on my trip) and there will be more to come. I work hard during the day and even after hours, so isn’t it at least right of me to come home and be submersed into comfort and luxury? I don’t earn my money for nothing or to leave it in the bank while they trade my money around to earn money for themselves!

I’m rich, because I’m using my money to generate happiness. I am no longer poor, because my monetary wealth is bringing my lasting wealth through enjoyment and fulfillment of wants! Even when I bring happiness to bebe it makes me smile, so the wealth is not only spent on me, but her as well… us, both our families and hopefully soon, our very own family 😀

I’m in a very loving mood tonight, so even though my bebe is not around with me right now, if she ever asks me how much I love her … then I can answer her with THIS much! 😛

Teresa Teng (鄧麗君) – The Moon Represents My Heart (月亮代表我的心)


And… because UMG are a bunch of cock-sucking retards, you have to go on YouTube directly to watch it.

你 问 我 爱 你 有 多 深
You ask me how deep I love you

我 爱 你 有 几 分?
How much I love you

我的 情 也 真,
My feeling is true

我的 爱 也 真,
My love is true

月亮 代表 我的 心。
Moon represents my heart

你 问 我 爱 你 有 多 深
You ask me how deep I love you

我 爱 你 有 几 分?
How much I love you

我的 情 不 移,
My feeling is steadfast

我的 爱 不 变,
My love is constant

月亮 代表 我的 心。
Moon represents my heart

轻轻 的 一个 吻
A tender kiss

已经 打动 我的 心。
Already touch my heart

深深 的 一段 情
A deep love

教 我 思念 到 如今。
Makes me miss till now

你 问 我 爱 你 有 多 深
You ask me how deep I love you

我 爱 你 有 几 分?
How much I love you

你 去 想 一 想
You go think about it

你 去 看 一 看
You go have a look

月亮代表我的心。
Moon represents my heart

你去想一想
You go think about it

你去看一看
You go have a look

月亮代表我的心。
Moon represents my heart

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