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Discovering Your Sexuality

Today I went and enjoyed a Christmas show with one of my girls & another with one of their boyfriend. I’ve only hung out with this boyfriend a few times and although we don’t know each other very well, we get along great whenever we get together. We skipped lunch and got to Niagara Falls, Fallsview a few hours early, that way we could hit up the Grand Buffet in the casino. We figured if the show started at 7, getting there at 4 would give us a good 2 hours to eat and an hour to blow our money… and yes, no winnings this time again 😦 sad!

You may wonder what my post title has to do with my little story and it really has to do with some conversations struck-up by the boyfriend – we’ll just call him J. The show itself was a lot of dancing and of course, lots of girls. When you pair dancing and girls, what do you usually get? Lots of nice tummies, boobies and invariably, “open legs”. I guess J and his girlfriend don’t go out to see artistic shows much because obviously he was enamored with bouncing boobs, up-skirt shots and the physique of the performing girls. It isn’t that I don’t agree that those are all wonderful things, but having seen quite a few shows now, the “excitement” isn’t there as much just because the girl is flying through the air and you can see between her legs. I think the first time a guy sees it, he’ll think, “Wow, this is so damn hot!” but you become accustomed to it after a while and it is just part of the show. Yes, certainly in some shows, particularly Dancing Queen, it was undeniably sexy with lots of revealing clothing, suggestive themes and stimulation, I no longer have that oh-my-god reaction. Throughout the show, he felt the need to point this all out and I didn’t chastise him since after all I’m a guy and I know what guys think.

What made me feel a bit weird was he made many comments about the girls on stage (of course quietly enough where not everyone would hear), but his girlfriend was within earshot right next to us. I mean we’re guys and as guys, we’re pretty damn naughty and downright disgusting 😛 As much as I’d like to say that I’m differently, if you’ve ever noticed, put one guy apart and he’s a gentleman, but a few guys together and we’re savages. Likewise, put one girl on her own and she’s a lady, but a few girls together and they’re just as bad. If you haven’t seen a few girls together oogling and drooling over some cute boy, then you need to get out to the mall more often, lol.

I agree that the girls on stage are all quite pretty, some more than others and although they share things in common, such as their near-perfected bodies and ample assets. Obviously being in show-business, I wonder how much time they spend working out to have sculpted arms, legs, bust and abs. I hate girls that are too built, but these girls had those nice abs but not the ones that’d make you puke – nice flat tummies with muscles in the right places. It would make almost any guy or girl jealous seeing the performers in their toned-body. Nevertheless, I’ve always been the type where if I was with my girlfriend, I wouldn’t go mentioning other beautiful women around her. It just seems wrong, makes the girlfriend feel awkward and perhaps even make her dissatisfied with herself. I know they have been dating for 3 years and perhaps are more “lax” with things, but I know if I were with bebe, even if I saw a beautiful girl, I wouldn’t dare make a comment within earshot of her or point it out to her and say “oh this girl is pretty” because it’s just not a gentlemanly thing to do. Just “between the guys” I can see a conversation like that, but not when you’re with a girl you’re with!

I put myself in the same position, if bebe saw a really cute boy, I wouldn’t want her to point it out to me or hear her talk to her friends about it because it’d make me feel very lacking and “not good enough for her if I were to hear it, even if that might not be the case. It’s not that I can’t accept her looking at other guys per se, I mean there’s plenty of more beautiful people than bebe or I, and I’m sure we’d both look, but there’s no need to point it out or make it so obvious that you start making your other-half feel bad. I was trying to “hint” to him to tone it down since I could see his girlfriend starting to be disgruntled with her boyfriend while he kept on telling me about all the “sexy things” he saw and how he’d want to do the girl and stuff. One of the girls Mikael, the lead actress has a beautiful body, face, voice and even has that “電” or “come-hither” allure that makes it look like she wants you and I’ll admit that it’d make a guy take a second-look. I tried to change the subject and although I successfully got him off it, he trailed off to another conversation in which he asked, “So [my name], when did you realize you liked girls?

And from there, the girls had already stood in line at the coffee shop since we walked around the block outside to see the falls a bit and wanted to sit down. We had a very interesting conversation over some coffee and cake. I think I’ve spent very little time contemplating that before. As far as I know, I’ve always liked girls and it wasn’t something I needed to be “taught”. My parents have never sat me down and be like, “Ok son, so you’re supposed to feel attracted to females“… it was just something that “occurred”. As far as I can recall, I got my ‘first kiss’ in Kindergarten (and obviously “kisses” then weren’t the with-tongue type… rest assured I got kissed, I wasn’t the one kissing!) and even at that age, it was already my natural connection with girls, I felt girls were attractive and boys were not. After thinking about it, I believe that sexuality is something that’s connected simply to natural growth progression and genetics. I remember when I was talking to a gay-friend before, he simply said, “Liking guys was not something I learned, I simply FELT it.. just how you like girls, you felt it, you didn’t LEARN it.” – and he’s right about that. There wasn’t really a time I doubted myself whether liking girls was my thing, I’ve been interested in girls from a very young age (beyond the whole menstruation thing :lol:), I didn’t think, “Gee, I wonder if I like guys…”

J asked me when I started liking girls… if I can even remember when.. I mean, how do you even define a time-frame like that? It isn’t something that “happens” on a set-date, where do I even start calculating a date for that? LOL… I think at some point or another, kids all “play doctor” and that’s where the exploration of male and female bodies come in, but growing up in a conservative family and having adults around all the time at home limited how much “trouble” we could get into. I highly doubt at any point any of my girl-friends and I were ever nude when playing doctor. When we played doctor, I think it was more of a “I’m going to give you an injection” more than “I want to inspect down there”. Suffice to say, growing up in the current era is probably a lot different than when kids were really innocent and we didn’t know any better. As far as my conscience memory can recall, there was no conscience “thought” on my part to like women – it just was and is – there wasn’t a decision making process involved.

The question that J came up with, as simple as it may seen, really got me thinking. Sitting in the show, both of us guys are admiring the beauty of the girls on stage, yet, where did these feelings come from? Neither of us were told we had to like girls. There was no said-guidance. It’s as natural for us to like girls as natural as a homosexual guy would feel attracted to another guy. As I was writing this blog, I searched on Google, something along the lines of, “When do boys start liking girls?” and came up with about 1.2 million hits. I browsed through a few and it turns out I’m not along, apparently Kindergarten is quite a usual reply, although I reckon that we are all “pre-programmed” to feel attracted the the opposite-sex, same-sex or even both, before we even realize and it just happens that it “surfaces” in Kindergarten due to exposure to boys/girls at school and that Kindergarten is usually the youngest age that people still have vivid memories about. I still remember quite a bit of my 4 year-old life, perhaps even a bit of when I was 3, but definitely under that, it is blurry and probably not very detailed accounts of it.

As the night came toward 10, we decided we’d start calling it a night. The coffee and cake were delicious, although we totally splurged (cake/coffee is usually quite expensive as it stands, let alone in Niagara Falls tourist area), so we stood on the cafe balcony a bit to enjoy the fresh air and beautiful water-mist view and walked along the edges to feel the crisp air through our lungs. It was a great 7 degrees Celsius out, comfortable enough to stroll through without being bundled up, but not warm enough not to require outerwear. The night was great, minus an awkward situation I managed to get myself in. As we were walking along the pathway, the girl and her boyfriend were clung tightly on each other (which to be honest, made me jealous that bebe wasn’t the one clinging onto me as we walked) and I admired the fact they were doing that and then the other girl just rest her arm around mine and I was totally shocked. Unfortunately my natural reaction was just to drop my arm so she couldn’t put hers around mine. She relented and I think she felt very embarrassed. I felt embarrassed having reacted like that and doing that to her. I mean it isn’t the first time she’s done this and I really don’t mind having a girl holding on to me usually. It was just at that moment she did that, I was thinking about bebe and how romantic it’d be to one day soon spend a night like that just strolling and when she hooped her arm around mine, I “felt” it wasn’t bebe and just shook it off. I felt soooooo bad for her and it made things really awkward because even in the dark, I could see her face turn red. It’s not the same that the girl who tried to latch on my arm isn’t bebe and subconsciously, I can’t even accept that anymore. For any other girl to hold me under such romantic circumstances just doesn’t feel acceptable and even if at one point I was ok with that to “casually” let a girl hold me, my body practicality rejects any other girl who comes into intimate contact with me. I don’t deny that the atmosphere was very alluring to just want to hold the closest boy/girl closest to you, but when such a coincidence that I was thinking about bebe and someone who’s not her tries to do that, I had a pretty natural instinct not to allow it. Suffice to say, we kind of kept our distance for the night (which was fine, because it’s not the same…) and it was kind of an unsaid-thing and being one of my girls, I’m sure she understood the situation. I didn’t mean to be so cruel, but I also couldn’t lie to myself and pretend that girl was bebe when it isn’t. Alas, I can’t even feel for another girl, even when the mood is so right… I think that’s the Heaven’s way of saying, “Don’t even THINK about being with another girl other than bebe!

And so, I dropped them all off… got home, played an hour of games and here I am writing this and about to fall asleep 😀 Enjoy the night!

Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is…
You

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I don’t even wish for snow
I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won’t even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is…
You

All I want for Christmas is you… baby

Dedicated to my bebe, forever and always! ❤

Hong Kong Quickly Approaching

I can’t believe it… just a bit over 3 weeks and I’ll be escaping the start of Canadian winter. Of course, I’ll also be back smack in-the-middle of it too! I booked my tickets during the summer holidays and can’t believe it has dawned on me already. I was out at Mississauga yesterday with one of my best girl-friend, hit up some shopping, talked for hours, got some bubble tea and lazied around her house. She was all excited about me going on vacation to Hong Kong again and said that it’s just around the corner and I was like, “No way, it’s still months away” and she’s like, “Uhh.. it’s less than a month silly!” Just moments ago I remember it being the start of the school-year and working my ass off and time has flown by just like this. She gave me a small list of things to get her because she won’t be coming back with me for another good 3 years when she has her finances better-settled and have vacation days available. Given that I didn’t even know departure date is coming so quickly, I still have to write down my things-to-pack, particularly getting my laptop travel-ready and my unlocked Blackberry so I can stick a HK-SIM in as soon as I arrive. I have a feeling I won’t be getting a data-plan this time, which means no emails outside of a WiFi zone… which Hong Kong is saturated with as it is anyways.

My friend’s boyfriend went to a stag party, so she ended up staying quite a bit with me and pretty much chatting my ear off. Slowly it was approaching dinner time and I think she began to get tired and she ended up falling asleep on me. I didn’t want to move and wake her up and it just didn’t feel natural for me to have a girl other than bebe lie next to me. I mean, I’ve known this girl for 25 of my 25 year life, we’ve done almost everything together and there are almost ‘no barriers’ between us… but yet, I can’t stand having another girl lie on me anymore. I felt so shy, so ashamed and perhaps even slightly uncomfortable. I know in my heart that I’m not cheating on bebe because my best friend got too tired and nodded off, but it just didn’t feel right. I tried to fall asleep myself since there’s no point of me staring blankly at the walls, but I just couldn’t because the girl who’s curled up by me isn’t her. After an hour of doing nothing and trying not to breathe too hard, she finally woke up and we went out for dinner then called it a night. She did get me a pack of chocolate which I ashamedly admit I’ve finished already, LOL… just can’t say no to Godiva 😆

I will be gone for a good 34 days and although that’s a month and a bit more, it’ll fly by just-like-that, it does every time. I haven’t even arranged where I’m going to stay yet, although I do hope that the place we rent out is vacant so I can stay at it again and have a place to myself… or stay at my cousin’s place which is nice too 😀 I don’t know how often I’ll update this blog from December-January, although I don’t want to see it die or people become disinterested. I’ll definitely try to keep content active, although not sure how often period related, and I might even get the liberty to take pictures and add information about all the cool pads and tampons found in HK!

Just to think that a month after I return from my vacation, bebe will be returning to Canada too. It has been so many months and she has yet to say a word on me on MSN. I’m amazed at women’s ability to override their own conscience … or perhaps 良心 better described in Chinese. It’s like they can push their own thoughts and feelings away somehow and have total disregard for it. Does she think about me? Does she care about how I feel? Does she know she’s hurting me? How can she go about knowing she’s hurting me? … and more importantly, I just want to feel secure in knowing that when she returns to Canada, we can start a new life together. I can forgive everything she’s done to me because really, the past doesn’t matter. All I care about is the future, the future which her and I will share together, for better or worse. It’s 6 months she’s had practicality no contact with me, maybe a bit of time for her to grow, be with her family and friends, but I’m not an obstruction, I’m not here to remove freedom from her, but I want to be the guy who brings her happiness, stability, comfort and security. She sees me as some kind of hindrance as if I will prevent her from spending time with her family or consume her life. I think it’s a terrible way to see a relationship, I just wish she’d be more realistic about what relationships REALLY are about, it isn’t a matter of spending every living moment together and losing independence.

I guess Hong Kong will give me away to perhaps lift my mind from bebe, even for a bit. Instead of being 13,000 KM’s away from her, I’ll only be 2,500… damn that’s close! Hell, I’ll even be in the same time zone as her and if anything, my heart will feel that-much closer to hers. When she’s sleeping, I’m sleeping and knowing that I’m dreaming of her and that she’s always on my mind.

I can’t wait to take some amazing pictures with my new camera. It seems like every time I go to Hong Kong, I take certain pictures always from the same angle or even the same scenery, but there are some shots that are worth getting repeats of and mainly because unlike Canada, the rate at which landscape changes in HK is maddening. From what I’ve read, Hong Kong has already had (since 2 years ago), added a plethora of new subway stops and has extended their subway lines to “suburban” areas already. Where our family resides, there’s a brand new subway, train, taxi and bus station in-service, so the pictures that I took last time standing from the same spot and facing the same way probably has considerably changed.

I’ll try to squeeze one more period-post in before I leave, but I really don’t know which topic to choose since I have written down so many to talk about 😀

The Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melody

Oh, my love
my darling
I’ve hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea,
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh ‘wait for me, wait for me’
I’ll be coming home wait for me

Oh, my love
my darling
I’ve hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love to me

Brandy – Have You Ever (MV)

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever
(Have you ever)

Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad
You’d do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You’d give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you dont know what to say and you dont know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever (Have you ever)
Have you ever

Ooooh
Have you ever found the one you’ve dreamed of all your life
You’d do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to
Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much (so much) it makes you cry
(Makes you wanna break down and cry)
Have you ever needed something so bad(so, so bad) you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
(Have you ever)
Have you ever
Have you ever
(Have you ever ever ever)

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world cuz baby I can’t sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much (so much) it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever…

Loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night
(Just cant sleep at night)
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever
(Have you ever ever ever)
Ooooo
Have you ever

I was thinking about bebe this morning… well that’s nothing new, but I was wiping her picture today because the frame was getting dirty from a week and a bit of me not being in the office and it was starting to collect a bit of dust on the top (very dusty environment around here). I always have problems conveying how I feel about her, because it runs so deep and there’s no words that can explain it – nor the pain she causes me I don’t even know how to express it. Nevertheless, somehow this song just popped into my head or rather, mainly the lyrics.

This song is so old and I haven’t heard it in ages, but the words in the songs resonate in my head and somehow I recall them so clearly as when this song was a chart hitter. God, looking at the title, this song was made in 1998. Now I really feel old, haha.

I miss my bebe a lot ❤ just thought the world should know!! Pray for us and that we will reunite soon and that she’ll learn to appreciate me and learn that in life, time isn’t worth waiting as every moment is precious and limited.

譚詠麟 -朋友 (Alan Tam – Friends)

I really wanted to find a good song for my Wednesday post, but couldn’t find one that really I could use. Apparently after reviewing most of my music collection, many of them are Chinese love songs which really wouldn’t be suitable for the occasion, haha. Found an excellent one that fits the bill perfectly! Holy, this is a timeless classic. For those who have grown up in a Chinese family, I’m sure you’ll have heard this song a million times already, LOL.

Translation by: thekeck

譚詠麟 -朋友

Alan Tam – Friends

繁星流動    和你同路
All the stars floating here and there, I walk this road with you
從不相識開始心接近
We never met each other in the past, but now our hearts begin to move closer
默默以真摯待人
Quietly, we treat each other with true sincerity

人生如夢    朋友如霧
Life is like a dream, friends are like a mist
難得知心几經風暴
It is rare to find friends who intimate understand you, and will weather the storms and rain with you
為著我不退半步正是你
It is because of you then I will not take a step backward

遙遙晚空點點星光息息相關
In this faraway night sky, the scatter of stars appear so closely connected
你我那怕荊棘鋪滿路
You & I, even if this road is lined with thistles and thorns
替我解開心中的孤單
You will help me (literally translation is ‘on my behalf’) undo the loneliness in my heart
是誰明白我
It is you whom understands me best
情同兩手一起開心一起悲傷
Our friendship like two hands, passing through the good times and the times of pain
彼此分擔不分我或你
Share each other’s worries and responsibilities, with no differentiation between you and I
你為了我     我為了你
You for me, and I for me
共赴患難絕望里緊握你手
Together, we will pass through trials and troubles and overcome all hopelessness, as I tightly grip your hand
朋友
As friends

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