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Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved

Hrm… maybe I should not have used the word “loved” – but hey, it’s much catchier title. Today, talking to my cousin about my many love concerns, his maturity really helped me see things through. I definitely consider my “ways of thinking” to be older than my own age, but it always helps to talk to someone you can truly trust for great advice. I’m an interesting person because I have friends of all ages, all from teenagers all the way to the retiree. Because of that, I make a great social networking (not the Facebook type) because I’m not afraid to reach out to those younger and those older. Although I usually do not burden those around me with my concerns, they are always willing to lend an ear, a hand or whatever help I need whenever I speak up. I’ve talked to handful of people only about my relationship with bebe, because it is complex, sometimes frustrating but then I also go on my very long raves about how amazing of a girl bebe is to me!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

I look bad, thinking about how the past 2 years I’ve known bebe that transpired. Do I regret it? Do I regret reaching out to her in the first place, introducing myself and sending myself into a year of torment and half a year of being ignored – for the sake of the past 4 months of happiness? Do I regret that this will all be a waste of time if things don’t work out? What steps do we take from here? Do I play it nice or do I have to be a rough-guy to get bebe’s attention? All these questions floated in my mind when I talked to my cousin. I think to myself, there is nothing I regret about this relationship. Ask me to re-live it all over again and I would’ve made the same choice, to love bebe like I love her today, even if I have to go through the years of pain. The pain is not over however, as I still struggle every day worrying whether she will stay with me. Every day, I lose a few extra strands of hair over the stress she causes me – but I’d have it no other way. Ask a loving parent if they would still have that naughty child of theirs if they could turn back the hands of time and they will fearlessly say, “Yes I would.” That is the same way I feel about bebe, I will love her until death do us part and I want to take care of her in this lifetime to eternity.

So why does my topic title say, “Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved” you may ask? It is because as I was reflecting upon everything in our relationship, about me as an individual and about her as an individual, I take time to bring my thoughts together, analyze what she has conveyed and said to me and it makes me very happy. I cannot say that I do not wish more out of this relationship right now, but certainly, we are not moving backwards. Although I’ve briefly mentioned this in comments to one of my best friends on my blog before, I thought about all the things that bebe has pointed out to me – things that I perceive differently or only something that she can point out for me to see. Because we are both different people with a different mindset, sometimes she has to say to me, “You are important to me and I can prove it because…” because not everything, I hold in the same regards as she does or do not place the same value onto it. Let me explain further.

DISCLAIMER: I don't expect sex on the first-date, this pictures is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

DISCLAIMER: I didn't ask bebe for sex on the first-date, this picture is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

On our first date together, she let me into her room. In fact on several occasions, she walked out of her room, leaving me unattended. It truly shows her trust in me, even though our first date, we hardly known each other. Was she not afraid I’d steal something? Was she not afraid I’d leave something bad in her room? On our first date, we also laid next to each other. No one here knows bebe well enough to know that she is a very conservative girl – probably the most innocent girl next to being a nun. To have each other on the same bed (I stress we didn’t DO anything), is a deep sign of comfort. I had “gone further” that day than she had intended and she wasn’t comfortable with it. I held her hand and even her shoulders when we went out, she didn’t lash back. Later, she was honest with me that she was uncomfortable we did that on a first date (even though I had felt comfortable in doing so). To not make the situation awkward, she didn’t express it to me at that time. This shows the respect she had for me to have considered my feelings. Up to today, she’s given me second chances… in fact, LOTS of chances for us to rekindle our relationship and not have sought another guy, that shows lots of loyalty. Last but not least, recently she’s expressed a lot of things she’s been doing all along on our behalf – to make this relationship work. We have known each other for a long time, lots of downs and lots of ups… but the weird feelings she has not ever been able to express, she’s trying to fight it down and has put forth much effort because whether it shows or not, I am “someone special” to her. To me, this is above and beyond commitment.

Lets look back at everything I’ve highlighted in red. Trust, comfort, honest(y), respect, loyalty and commitment. These things are the core principle of any outstanding relationship. While bebe and I have many steps to take together, I feel so positive about it, more so than ever before. The difference with this time around, even SHE believes we can do it. Before, it was all optimism on my part (as far as I knew, I could be wrong) that my love will help light the path for her… but now, even she’s beginning to crawl towards this glorious path we have yet to walk together on. Although her feelings for me are still buried deep down within, she is willing to bring herself to draw those positive feelings out for me and that she can play a big role in moving this relationship in the right direction. I am touched and honoured, to have met her and to be given a chance with her. I am blessed that I will one day be able to “officially” call her my girlfriend, my wife and the mother to our children. Combine all those values stated above and we know that by no means is this not a sign of love, whether we’d like to believe it or not. The proof is in our worldly history, omnia vincit amor a Latin phrase from Eclogue X by Virgil – love conquers all.

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

The reason why it is so important to reflect upon things in life is you find yourself transcending above what normally passes through your mind. Also, it allows your mind to set into place of someone else. Bebe and I are individuals, we do not see things alike and therefore, what she holds in great value, she has to point out for me to understand. Likewise, certain gestures and things I do for her from my heart, sometimes she does not always see and I have to point it out to her that to me, such an action is of great importance or represents something that I do only for her. We both put innumerable and indescribable effort towards this relationships – most of which the other side is blind to seeing. I cannot even describe all the things I do for her to win her over and likewise, I cannot fathom what she has to go through to bring herself to a level of comfort to accept me. We both have our faults, faults – not as in blame – but faults, as in our inability to express the struggles that we BOTH put ourselves through… and for what? For the sake of each other! Still, what does this all have to do with my blog entry title? It is because it sucks to be wrong that I complain about bebe not putting in effort or seemingly blame her for not showing that I am someone special in her life. As much as I dislike being wrong in life (as much as it happens), this is one of those situations that I’d much rather be loved and be wrong.

She puts into perspective that if I’m truly not “someone special” to her… she would not have even bothered going this far for us. She could very well pack up, leave and have her “old life” back – something which as much as our relationship is strengthening, still a very worrying factor. She is letting me take her out of dates and regularly keeping in touch in an attempt to open the doors of communication to each other – that is something she repealed for a year until she felt like she could partially accept me in her life. By bebe making that step to talk to me again, she sealed the fate of my happiness and also gave HERSELF a second chance at having a guy who’s willing to love her 101% – which is not just what “any guy” can give her, THAT of which I am certain (yes yes, I can have quite the self-confidence sometimes). Now constantly, she is making great strides into bringing me from “someone important” to “someone she cannot live without” and that is an ABSOLUTE BLESSING for me. I cannot even convey in words, how much her actions mean to me. Someone on my blog said to me that it seems like I’m more unhappy with bebe, rather than being more happy with her. I replied saying that really, only the two people IN the relationship truly knows what it feels. I can only speak for myself, but without a doubt I am happy with her and count the day I have met her to be the most wonderful day of my life. A lot of people count their wedding or when they have their first child as the best day ever… but I’m realistic and consider that the day we met IS the day that I will cherish forever because without that day, the “best day ever” of being married or having children would all be impossible.

It is imperative that bebe and I continue to have the drive to move this relationship forward. Once we hit that point where we are comfortable enough to let things go on “auto drive” – then we know that nothing else could possibly go wrong. We have been through so much with each other that I think that hardly anything in the future would be as great as an obstacle as this. The good thing is that once bebe knows that I am ‘the one’ and that she can settle with me, things will simply fall into place and we don’t need to suffer through the latter trials which other couples endure. I suppose I’d much rather “suffer now” – than “suffer later”… and suffer I have already, LOL! I feel very lucky to be that ‘someone special’ for bebe… I just hope that soon, we can get rid of that love-sucking monster that’s inside of her so that she can EXPRESS that love to me and that finally, she can fully absorb the love I want to give her!

Although I had thought that love is an definitive moment of an accomplishment and that when bebe one day utters the words, “I love you” to me that it would be THE everlasting dream… all of a sudden, I realize that as my love grows for her each and everyday, that it is not about waiting for the final outcome, but that as a well known quote said, “Love is a journey, not a destination.” Although bebe doesn’t quite love me today or tomorrow, she will one day and her love for me will grow just like mine has for her, we will look back and remember how we got to that very day and that the journey we took to get there!

Every time I go to the temple to pray, I ask the heavens to bless bebe and I…
百年好合, 白头偕老, 早生贵子 and of course most importantly, 永结同心!

Cold, Hot, Cold — Warm?

Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.

Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.

We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.

We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.

We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.

So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!

With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.

Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…

I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?

On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀

The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.

I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?

Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.

I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.

Friday Night in Heaven

Friday Night HeavenYou know what a Friday more awesome than Friday’s already are? Getting to spend it with the girl you love! Damn tonight was pretty great… and I was totally surprized by bebe sending me a message to see if I could pick her up. I mean, there’s two ways I can see this… 1) she looks for me when she wants something from me, or 2) she wants something from me but would also like to see me. I’m hoping more so #2 is the case rather than #1. I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone, picking her up from her friend’s place in another city, bringing her back and also spending some quality time with her – but I also don’t want to become this “slave” to her bidding – I do want a nice balance of “I’m more than happy to be a nice guy and do things for you, but I’ll expect I get some appreciation from it” and I think that’s a pretty fair expectation. Appreciation can be shown in many forms and tonight, I felt pretty warm inside when I went home.

You know, bebe and I aren’t the typical couple at all… you know, most “new” couples go through the whole attached-at-the-hip stage. I don’t think we’ve really gone through that phase and that’s why I always consider bebe and myself to be living more of a “matured” relationship rather than a new one. When people first get involved, they find themselves not being able to be apart for more than second. The second the person leaves their sight, they want them back. When going home, you just want to tell them, “Aww.. can’t you stay for just a few more minutes PPULLEEASSEE?” – those are the true signs of a ‘new’ relationship! For bebe and I… we can pretty much survive without seeing each other for a while, yet pick up where we left off. And no doubt, I do miss her when I don’t see her for a period of time, but we’re also not exchanging 500 text messages a day or chatting via IM. We are more like the “been together for a while” type of couple – we do our own things, get together ‘if we have time’ and very docile couple.

Inseparable CoupleI suppose one of the few complaints I have about when we get together is that she always makes it seem like I’m more of a bother being in her presence than when I am not. For instance, I was just lying on her bed and I wanted to just rest my eyes because I’ve been so exhausted driving for 3 hours. A bit of understanding and a girl would offer to let you get a few moments of shut-eye for a SAFE drive home. Instead, she tells me I’ve “seen her since 3” and it was 9PM at the time. So I saw her for a total of 6 hours when I haven’t seen her for a week and that is already “too long”… I mean, really, fucking really? When I think of spending dating time, even “once a week” is too little, let alone less than half a day of time spent together is not enough and she’s already complaining about me staying too long. More so of the fact I just wanted to close my eyes just so that I can concentrate on driving home. I would not dare expect she even offer to let me stay the night, because we all know that won’t happen, but to even let me rest a moment – I was denied that.

I left her a spot for her to sit beside me, she purposely moved her laptop to the table to use it rather than sit next to me. I was slightly perturbed and wanted to hit the wall, but I decided against letting my temper take the better of me. So I finished taking her to buy groceries, out for dinner, bringing her home from a different city, helping her with her computer and she can’t even sit next to me and have a nice talk or something together before ‘suggesting’ that I leave. I hate the distance she casts between us… yet at the same time, many moments throughout the night, we’re so close to each other and things are like having heaven on earth. There’s a major issue when you feel 6 hours with someone is too much, what happens when you’re under the safe roof and have kids? You want to throw your kids away after they’re born 6 hours later? I mean if there was consistency though with her actions, I would consider it legit. Yet, she sees me for 6 hours and thinks I’ve stuck around too long, but she’s stayed for week-on-ends at her friends place, seeing them for many more hours in a day than she sees me, yet she doesn’t get tired of being with them – that’s the only reason why I get frustrated with her claims, because it doesn’t match “all around”…

Bebe and I tonight had some pretty lighthearted conversation 🙂 I’m quite happy and content with how tonight turned out, minus being a bit grumpy when she practically kicked me out of the house, LOL. Ok, so it wasn’t that severe, but it was rather unprecedented. The reason why I usually spend so much time with her on a single day is because we don’t spend enough days together. Let’s just say that we regularly said, we’re going to see each other several times a week or even specific “date nights”, then that’d be all fine and dandy. But we don’t have set days we see each other, so it may be 1 week or 1 month that I don’t see her again. It’s kind of shitty that way, because that’s the REASON why I always linger around, because I don’t know when the next time she’ll be available again. If we spent more smaller periods of time over a week together, I’d be less inclined to always stick around after activities. The thing is, she already has this super bad habit of ignoring me, whether by Facebook, MSN or whatever.. I’m starting to lose reliable methods of contact, when I send her a MSN message, I don’t fucking know whether she gets it because she likes to block, unblock, hide and all that rude shit that who-knows-why someone can justify doing that to someone who cares so deeply about her. This isn’t a matter of blocking the random freak you met at a bar or your ex-best friend who stole your boyfriend, she’s finding ways of “hiding” herself from the man who wants to give her a world – is that fucked or what? I’ve already told her, I’m insistent that the more she hides from me, the more I will find things out about her and her friends in more resourceful and probably, more defiant ways.

No communication accessIf she was just honest to me or say if she didn’t feel like chatting to just tell me, “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “Sorry, now’s not a good time” rather than treating me like I should be ignored, I’d be much more amiable and feel better about myself. Today, we ran over the topic of confidence and I was about to mention to her that sometimes that lack of self-confidence I have is because she steps on my confidence level. To me, I like to reassure her that she is my one-and-only girl on my mind, that she’s absolutely beautiful and not even her most ‘beautiful’ friends could beat her out and that practical and justifable things that she does, I would support her without a doubt! To me, when it comes to communication, all she does is make me feel like shit, make me cry and completely hurt when she feels it is NECESSARY to hide/block me from communication methods. It’s a good thing that having some knowledge about breaking Facebook and MSN that I can still manage to get by some of the sneaky things she does to me, but lets face it, I should NOT have to do those kind of things against the woman I love. The communication sometimes even has breakdowns where I may say something and she’ll just have no reply. This isn’t just even by text, she even does that in person 😆 and sometimes just replies to me in grunts… I thought replying using grunts was a guy thing to do? Like when we watch TV and girls are disturbing us, we just grunt as a reply, HAH.

You know, most girlfriends keep their boyfriends as the one person who can find her in the MOST ways possible. I let bebe know every way she can get a hold of me, even a private number that I don’t tell most of my friends. I have her able to see me on Facebook, MSN, or any other communication method even if I don’t let others see me, because I want to be fully accessible to her. In her mind, she needs to be fully accessible to everyone BUT me… that is a shit-can-in-a-toilet-bowl. Please feel free people to tell me how such an action is justifiable under the scenario where we are supposed to be open, trusting and loyal to each other? So I had left my remote session desktop open on her computer, luckily I didn’t have any of my tools active, LOL… and I just casually mentioned to her she hadn’t talked to me on MSN since Feb 26th and she says, “Oh, that isn’t so long ago”… um.. it is Mar 4th today honey, that’s quite a friggin while. Anyways, enough of a bitching, I just get frustrated with all the excuses she has because it “only applies to me” and no one else 🙄 The good thing is that I can be assured bebe will never be a criminal… or at least not a good criminal, because she’s a terrible liar 😛 she couldn’t hide the most important of things if she wanted to XD

So we finally did some domestic stuff today like buying groceries together. We are such a wonderful couple XD I mean, I look like a servant ‘cuz I follow behind her, but I feel so gosh-darn happy just seeing her shop and being able to walk around with her, help out, discuss things – very “family-like” feeling, just like mom and dad. In both of the markets we went too, I was being a good boy and avoided going to my favourite section as not to have to drag her to look at stuff with me, haha. Although come to think of it, I do need to ask her to buy a package for me at T&T which apparently for some reason, I seem to be afraid of buying that stuff at Asian places – maybe because there seems to be more eyes and people here tend to be more judgmental!

So what a beautiful night and we wrapped up it nicely with a nice tight hug. I was even surprized at her pulling me in close and the force she managed to do it with, LOL. I’m a pretty big guy and not easy to move… and she’s this cute tiny girl who apparently has quite the power to pull me in an inward motion successfully 😀 I felt so close to her, her body so warm against mine and for a moment, we were one – our hearts beating one on another… soooo sweet it’d make anyone melt. Nevertheless, it was rather rushed as it was quick, abrupt and out the door, rather than savouring the moment. When you give people intimate-type hugs, you hold them and want to be inseparable. For her, she hugged, wrapped up and practically threw me out the door, lol. We just need to work on some physical intimacy and getting used to the feeling of each other and that’s it, our relationships is flying up, up and up! 😆

Improvement is goalI feel so blessed today at how great my Friday was,  despite my complaints, they’re just areas of improvement for us! I hope everyone else had a beautiful Friday, good night 🙂 Amy, I won’t lie… I’ve spent the entire night fantasizing about bebe, LOL… such an awesome experience 😉

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect & Having Standards vs. Being Picky

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

I really like these articles I find. I’m into self-improvement because I really want bebe to love me and find ways to be a more effective boyfriend and one day hopefully, husband. I think there’s no person too “perfect” to believe that they can always be better, while still being satisfied with themselves. Satisfaction, yet striving to improve are mutually independent things. One can be happy with who they are, yet continue to believe they have space to grow! “Beauty is in the imperfection“, I love it! 😀

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect?

By Sara Koonar (www.29secrets.com)
Why disputes and disagreements are a good thing

Is your relationship everything you’d dreamed of? Or is you idea of perfect not making you as happy as you thought it would? Arguments, challenges and set backs are what make us stronger and help us create a lasting bond. When you find Mr. Right and things are going smoothly, a little too smoothly, you have to wonder how you will grow as a couple if you have absolutely nothing to work on. Without those bumps in the road, our relationships become boring and unproductive. Building trust and falling in love means completely tearing down your walls and showing that person who you really are. No one is perfect, and if you are pretending to be something you are not, you simply can’t be yourself and you can’t be happy.

Anger is a Good Emotion
Constant disputes or never agreeing on anything can be a stress on most couples, but the occasional fight can help improve our communication skills and help us hash out our feelings. Keeping everything inside and putting on a fake smile is doing you and your partner a disservice. Being able to be open up about your feelings and opinions is what builds a strong partnership. Feeling comfortable enough to show your ugly cry or scream at the top of your lungs means you trust that person to love you at your lowest points.

Love is Blind
If you feel you need to act, dress or look a certain way that is opposite to who you are in order to make your partner happy, you should take a look at the sacrifices you are making and consider whether or not they are worth it. The greatest part of a relationship is being able to be yourself and know that you are loved. Wanting to be beautiful for someone is one thing, but completely changing to fit into someone else’s ideals is not okay. Stand up for yourself and let your partner know that you like who you are and they should too.

Beauty is in the Imperfections
If you can laugh at his loud snoring that keeps you up all night or tease him about his not-so-suave dance moves, loving your partners “imperfections” is what a great relationship is all about. Knowing what makes each other tick or finding out his deepest and darkest secrets is what makes your bond special. Having that connection with him is priceless and more perfect than a relationship that is based on shutting up and smiling through it.

I wonder if my bebe has “standards” or is “too picky” XD I guess I’ll have to find out the hard way 😆

Having Standards vs. Being Picky

By Nora McInerny (www.29secrets.com)
How to tell the difference

You know that it’s better to be single than to compromise your standards. Your coupled friends, your mother and your gynecologist insist that you’re being a little too picky. So who’s right?

Standard:
Having a type. If you know that you’re a preppy princess, then you can feel free to weed out the skinny hipsters from your banker boy dating pool.

Being Picky:
Okay, so you like your guys clean cut. But is it necessary for any man you date to wear exclusively Brooks Brothers, part his hair on the side, have a perfectly hairless chest, drive a Saab and own a vacation cottage? When you’re looking for one specific person, you’re going to miss out on a whole lot of quality humans.

Standard:
A gainfully employed gentleman who takes pride in his career. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who is interesting in building a secure and comfortable future with you.

Being picky:
Wanting a dude with a career you’re specifically interested in bragging to your friends about. Not all the good guys end up being doctors or rocket scientists, and who knows? If you expand your horizons beyond the astronaut you’ve always dreamed about, you just may meet the insurance actuary who will sweep you off your feet.

Standard:
Someone who has common interests. Life is more fun when you have someone to share the things you love!

Being picky:
Someone who has everything in common with you. You’re wonderful, but you don’t need a carbon copy of yourself. Breaking up with a dude who doesn’t share your list of desert island movies or whose iTunes Most Played list makes you cringe is going a step – or six – too far.

Sometimes these articles are nice, because it gives ideas from angles that I would never see. Men and women are distinctly different in how they think and perceive things… and I mean it could be said since we’re all “individuals” – but men and women often have attributes that are “like” their ‘own kind’ (as in male/female). I laugh whenever I ask my girl-friends things about bebe or how women perceive things and they often all have a resounding similar answers to each other, while when I ask my guy-friends, they often all reply with thoughts similar to mine 😀 I don’t try to make an analysis out of everything, but it is almost amusing to see how sometimes our brains all walk on the same line 😆 Something that makes it harder is that bebe doesn’t think like the “typical girl” all that time, so I end up not always being able to rely on my girls for “girl-like” advice XD HAH!

My First Meaningful Valentine’s Day

You know, having been with a few girls over my years of life, I must say this has been one of the most touching Valentine’s day I’ve ever experienced – well, at least for now – I’m sure bebe will make me love her more and more every year! Nevertheless, it took me a bit of time to consider whether I’d actually say this because it would seem rather unfair to my ex’s. With me ex’s, I never want them to feel as if they were an unimportant part of my life, because they really are and all with the exception of one, I still keep in (relatively) close contact with. My ex’s have helped me develop my relationship aptitude and helped me explore and engage myself in ways I never thought possible. Each one has paved the path of who I am today and that lucky for bebe (HAHA), she will hopefully get to be my final recipient of my love. So when bebe and I get married one day, she owes the way I treat her to all my ex’s who’ve made me the person I am today XD

But anyways, lets set the whole unfairness thing aside, this valentines I truly “feel” it… and I guess perhaps this relationship has delved into more serious emotions and connections than ones before. My most recent ex was probably the most unfortunate one because it was pure lust and perhaps we both used each other to satisfy our “rebounding” feelings. Having been with L for quite a few years, it took me a long time before I could even be with another girl… It wasn’t until 3-4 years later when my heart could even consider another person. L and I had some pretty good Valentines day and we certainly made it special for each other, whether nearby or afar, however, this Valentines with bebe so far away, I still feel super close to her, as if she was sitting right next to me with her head on my shoulders.

Then of course, many years ago, those teenage relationships you never expected to go real far. High-school relationships were either, 1) for pleasure, 2) for status quo and mostly, 3) experimentation. Unfortunately I never dated a girl for #1 which I’m not sure if I regret or not 😆 HAH! For #2 I thought was absolutely useless because a person should not rely on “a partner” to have a specific status within school and so of course I dated for #3. Back then, girls were just someone you’d hang out with after-school, do things with when you’re bored or just someone you could confide in private with… but really, I don’t think at that point a person can truly appreciate what true, lasting relationships are about… people come together and people fall apart in a whim, without repercussion. “Easy come, easy go” was a serious reality. I always thought to myself how disgusting it would be if I were to sleep with a girl who I know every one of my best friends have slept with or “been inside” with – urg, the thought is sickening.

I think it’s very common now that people adapted to the whole, “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy – if you’re with someone, it’s best you don’t know about their relationship-past or sexual-history. To be honest, I would think 4-5 years ago that I expected any girl that I’d be with to be a virgin (and by virgin, I mean REALLY virgin, as in no sex of ANY type, whether oral, anal or vaginal), but truly, I don’t expect any of the girls I know to be virgins anymore 😀 lol – it’s just not realistic. Bebe has always been interested in my past relationships, as she was always curious in knowing why my previous relationships failed. For me, I probably prefer not to know how many guys she’s been with, what they have done together and I just pretend that there was no one before me, haha, it’s much more settling that way.

So I came to this realization that this valentine is probably one of the most heart-felt one was due to the fact I truly truly FELT COMPELLED to get something for bebe. I know that she’s not big on receiving gifts from me, she’s one of those modern “financially independent” type of girls, but she certainly didn’t reject it either. I actually gave her a few necklaces to choose from and go figure, from all the choices I gave her, she chose the diamond one 😛 how typical girl, haha. I don’t mind though because if I offered it, then obviously I already budgeted to buy it for her initially. It was just amusing that when I was at the jewelery store, all the girls there that I know quite well from buying there a lot, all agreed that bebe would likely pick the diamond one because you know, girls just LOVE diamonds 😆 They said, “A girl will always buy the most expensive one that their boyfriend offers” and I laughed – because bebe did indeed choose the most expensive one.

My gift is not actually in this box...

Getting this present was not without hardships though. When I asked bebe the first time, they actually had a 10% sale going on and by the time she responded, the sale was over. I was still going to buy it even for regular price, but I decided to go to the store to bug them like a typical Asian to see if they would honour the discount even though it was technically over. Luckily, they told me they were restarting the discount due to popular demand the next day, so I told them I’d go make the purchase then… however, I also found out the necklace that bebe wanted was also out of stock at the store I usually go to, BLAH!

I was like OMFG, lol. I was trying to figure out whether they’d get it in and they suggested me to go visit other stores. Alternately, I could order online, but I’m not big on buying something before I actually get to see it, ESPECIALLY, when it comes to expensive things or jewelery. If I’m paying this much for it, it better be the guaranteed quality, correct diamond and gold karat composition and be the exact style as shown in the picture. So I was frantic of course, HOLY SHIT, I started scrambling to every store around the area possible to find it and if I couldn’t find it here locally, I’d drive to nearby cities to get it if I had to. So finally I found a place that sold the exact one bebe picked up and I was so happy! I always watch those movies and think how nutty guys are to look high and low just to get a gift for their lover, but now I truly understand the feeling and reasoning behind it… it’s such a huge disappointment when you can’t get the thing you wanted for someone you care about – so you’ll do ANYTHING just to get your hands on it. So I ordered it and then picked it up just yesterday after work. I left work early so I could “beat the rush” as many guys and gals would be picking up there Valentine’s gift after work due to the discount.

So can you believe it? Today, my mom goes on to “casually ask me more” about bebe. Not only that, but she “advised” me that I should make sure I take [bebe’s full name] out for valentines lunch/dinner to make up for the fact she’s not in Canada now. I can’t believe it, my MOM actually told me I need to take bebe out (not that I didn’t plan to, lol).. but she made it very clear that I SHOULD, haha. Since when did my parents become that involved in girls I like? 😛 Not only that, but I’ve never had a girl in my life who my parents cared so much about whether we actually stayed together, lol. Other than L, my parents didn’t care much for these girls, haha… in fact, the last one I had they utterly hated XD – ok so I guess that proves they did care about the results of my last relationship because they didn’t want me to end up with that girl :lol:… on a totally AWESOME note is the fact my mom: a) wants to get to know bebe more, b) actually remembers her name, c) seems to approve of her, and d) interested in helping me keep bebe and have a future with her … and of course not many people who read this blog know my parents, but if you did, you would realize that a, b, c, and d mean a lot given how little my parents have ever shown approval for a girl I got involved with. They did inquire (or I could say “blame”, hah) me for failing that relationship with L… and funny enough, even though my parents never met her, they seem to really like her. Who knows why… maybe it was ‘cuz she is SUPER PRETTY, haha. I still remember when I went out to Toronto to visit L one year, my dad was picking me up from the GO Train station and asked me why I didn’t try to kau (date/woo) L, but at that time, we had already broken up because she left me for a better looking guy 😦

In case anyone wonders what I got bebe… here it is! I’m actually quite proud of getting her something, not that I shouldn’t or something, but you know – I just feel good about myself and I don’t think there should be something “wrong” with that feeling. It makes me feel warm and tingly inside and even though she might not be quite ready to reciprocate my love for her, at least she acknowledges it, which is important 😀 I cut out the picture below so no one (unless you really like to backtrack links…) can find out where I bought it from and mainly that I’d get in so much shit for buying something so expensive for her, LOL… My friends were like, “You know.. most people only start buying diamonds for their girlfriend when they’re like… about to get married.. not just when you guys are starting out” – but hey, we’re not really ‘just starting’.. or well, the whole situation is complex, but at least we’ve “been seeing each other” for a good year and a half now, so it’s not like we’re total strangers or something and plus, bebe is such a good girl that she’s totally worth spoiling!

How bebe has somehow mesmerized my entire family into liking her, I have no idea, LOL. She’s managed to meet only two of my aunts plus my cousin and my whole family is all happy over her already. She only exchanged a few words with my aunts and maybe a few paragraphs with my cousin 😛 I mean, I know my family has a habit and talent of judging people quite quickly in even the smallest exchange of words and obviously, they all seem to think she’s an excellent girl for me to be with and that we’d make a great couple. I don’t mind them thinking that of course, because it gives me the support/encouragement, as well that I know she will be a great “fit” into my family since everyone’s already given her the “thumbs up” – and particular in Asian families or I should say my family, that approval is extremely hard to earn/obtain! Even my mom agrees that I should “put forth effort” towards bebe, so I can always claim that my own taste/judgments of girls can sometimes be questionable (à la my last relationship, lol), but so far, everyone I know really want to meet her and think we’re definitely relationship-material and I’d say if I couldn’t trust myself in my own feelings for bebe, I can definitely trust others who are normally quite demanding of girls I’m with! All in all, this is a great sign – or at least for the family part. I still have to of course, win bebe’s heart over 😛

I went to Niagara Falls today to enjoy a show and a dinner and it was a great day, but at times like these, I really wish bebe was around here with me. I know she’s having a wonderful time with her family back at home (in fact, even HOME home!), so I while I do miss her greatly, I have to hold back my greediness back and have to respect the fact she has her own family and there’s more to her life than just me. Nevertheless, even if she’s at least thought of me once a day, whether for a split-second or for minutes, I’d still feel really touched and special in her life anyways! There are still a lot of struggles for us in the coming days, weeks and months, particularly with getting her settled here and solving “geographical” issues. I really want this to be the last relationship I’m in… because I love bebe so much! Surely given that there are so many people who can clearly see and even feel how much I care about bebe, that soon bebe will truly feel that she means the world to me and stay by my side and let me love and care for her – forever and always.

and of course… I like when people ask me questions like what’s posed in this song, I can answer using a music video… HAH:

The Temptations – My Girl

And because EMI Publishing is a bunch of fucktards and won’t let people stream off WordPress but can off of Youtube, you have to go there directly to listen to it. When I have time, I’m going to find a way around that. And you wonder why people don’t buy music legally anymore? Why the shit should I buy music when music companies do stupid stuff like this? I hope everyone keeps downloading illegally and puts those idiots out of business until they start embracing the real world. When I see their CEO’s begging on the street for food, I’m going to shit on their heads.

Thought Du Jour – About Men and More

So today I didn’t have a particular “subject” to write about.. but rather, will just go over some random thoughts I had in my head, and perhaps some tidbits or information – whatever you want to call it.

Men… we’re pigs, we absolutely are and I’m sure there are the few true gentlemen out there, but for the most of us, including myself probably, we can get pretty vile. Our department in particular is a male-dominated one. I was just out at lunch with my coworkers the other day, mostly middle-aged men and even many being married still have a pretty disgusting mouth for women. I always thought that men would “settle down” after marriage… I mean after all, you have a woman at home, why go bother with others? Apparently I am wrong and if anything, marriage makes a man go even more rotten, lol. Just listening to what come out of guy’s mouth really made me consider how ‘bad’ we are and I’m not trying to play like I was “the nice guy” – but there’s a point where I can tolerate ‘just being a guy’ to downright perversion.

Listening to them talk about women really put a frown on my face… why do guys objectify women so much? It’s like women are just a “prize to be won” and once you win her (e.g marriage), you stick her on them shelf (metaphorically speaking), bring her out for sex once in a while and then go mess around with other women. I have friends of many ages and of different walks of life, often opening my eyes to things I would not, will not or have not experienced. Men… are very visual creatures and we are also very easy. No, women are not easy, WE are… a woman can lure us in like pitiful dogs as they see fit. Men are easy to control, women have a constant carrot (themselves) to dangle for us and we chase after it. Talking to some of my girls, younger, same age or older, the sentiment is that men are easy creatures to control and toy with, especially if you have something they want. Everything gets us horny, no matter how unattractive or whatever a girl may be (from my heterosexual point-of-view). Age is another thing… it seems like at a younger age, you tend of like older women and there comes a point where it just begins to slide backwards and you prefer younger women. I’m glad not many people I know personally read this, but I think I will always love 18 year old girls, no matter how old I get. I’ve talked to quite a few older men and yep, sure enough, most of them as they get older (into their 40’s) shift into liking the younger bodies all over again.

Stick a couple of guys together and you can hear some pretty perverse things. I can’t say I’m innocent and never said anything. I know bebe pretty sensitive about the male-oriented things I say and so I’m extra careful about what I say to her or around her. I don’t think she understands that “it’s just a guy thing” – and that sometimes it’s a strictly a gender-based thing. Suffice to say, these things don’t apply to everyone, but certainly even science has proven attributes that are associated or commonly found in a particular gender. I enjoy hanging out with a mixture of guys and girls, because I think guys are much better behaved when women are around 😛 .. it includes me too, lol!

So last night, I had a sex-dream. This one was really vivid and when I woke up, I seriously couldn’t differentiate reality for minutes. I was thinking whether this was a dream-within-a-dream, whether it truly happened or whether I was awake. I haven’t had a dream like this in ages and it was so damn sexy. I didn’t feel very horny the night before, so I’m not sure what caused it. It was just a regular day at work, didn’t see any super sexy girls or watch anything in particular that would cause it. I’m long past the hormonal puberty stage, or at least I think so, so it was totally unexpected. It wasn’t really a wet dream or anything since it wasn’t well… wet.. (good thing, LOL), but it was pretty hot. I’m not one of those guys who have sex-dreams a lot, probably because it really takes something/someone special to really rile-me-up. I guess it was just one of those nights eh?

So one of my girls who I’ve known for ages the other day finally told me about her habits of “exploring her own body” (and this conversation was not what caused the above dream, since it wasn’t of her). It was kind of funny in the sense that as she was ‘admitting’ it to me that as if I didn’t know it already… it wasn’t exactly a shocking revelation or something and even though she’s never told me so, it wasn’t like I didn’t expect she did. Given all the things that she’s vividly talked about before, there was no way a girl who’s never explored her own body would ever be able to describe certain things and feelings. I could not help but grin because she must take me for being an airhead or something 😆 … I might not be the most perceptive person, but people often say/do things that give things away, hah.

The conversation started as a result of her complaining about how society allows men to openly express their desires and fantasies, while women are suppressed from doing so. Certainly, this is a very old-fashion thing carried forward to this generation – where women were expected to be “pure” and “innocent” – or rather that is not the word I’d use – more like “naive” and “uneducated”. She commented on how unfair it is that if you hear a guy talking about masturbation or the fact that it is “normal” and almost “expected” for males, yet if a girl were to openly express such things, it would automatically turn against her as if she was some perverse girl or nympho. It’s quite unfortunate that many societies still see many natural occurrences in females are still taboo, and on the topic of this blog, menstruation and even female masturbation. So for about 2 hours she sat there and practicality lectured me on all the “inequalities” of expectations of men and women before telling me her “secret” (still makes me laugh she thinks I didn’t know :P) – it’s quite unfortunate such actions by women are stigmatized, yet almost welcomed amongst males.

I left most of the talking to her, only because discussing such a subject in a bubble tea shop didn’t seem very appropriate, haha – least I got a drink out of it! The funniest thing was that at the end she asked me, “So tell me what you do.” and I’m like, “Hell no! Why would I tell someone who’s NOT my girlfriend these things?” lol. I don’t know too many girls who want to know more about me than I know about them! I prefer to keep it where I know more about them XD One thing that I discovered was that apparently it’s quite common for men and women to continue their own habits even after marriage. Honestly, I thought it wasn’t necessary anymore because like, you have each other to have sex with, why do you need to do it yourself? 😛 Guess I was wrong, lol… that’s gotta suck when your partner is not satisfying you though, urg!

So for the past.. oh.. say.. 9 days, I’ve been working on my own business a whole lot. It was like just 2 weeks before I leave for my vacation and honestly, I just had customers literally phone me and tell me their computer was broken or needed some I.T. services. I don’t know whether “life’s like that” because just weeks ago I was complaining about how this year’s business sucked and now all of a sudden over these 9 days, I think I’ve made about 20% of this year’s income. What the hell?!! Shit I’ve been working my ass off to make sure I finish all the work before I leave! It isn’t so much that servicing is super-hard or time consuming, but rather, I’m worried about getting all the parts in before I leave and getting the work done in-time. I have stacks of “to be paid” invoices now sitting in my box and waiting for the cheques to come in so I can clear all the accounts before I leave. On a slightly separate note, the other day I thought about how I should’ve pursued an accounting career so it would be the same as bebe’s, but then Amy pointed out a good point – that it’s better couples DON’T share the same line-of-work, hah, because then you just end up in arguments about doing stuff “the right way.” I’m content with keeping the computers running and I’ll leave the accounting stuff to bebe, lol. If you both work in separate fields, then you don’t have to worry about criticizing each other’s working style, LOL. The only issue is that I know quite a bit about accounting because it was supposed to be my “backup career” in case I couldn’t make it in computing… so now I have to try to wipe my memory of it and leave all the stuff up to her XD – I don’t want to poke my nose into it, haha, as long as I can keep track of my own business stuff and taxes, I’m happy!

And… shit, it’s 2AM, I’m totally going to sleep. Night!

Menopause Basics for Men

As promised, a period-related post before I head off on my trip! This is a slightly unhappy moment for us flow-lovers, but very liberating in various ways for women and men. The process of menopause is an extremely complex transition in a woman’s life, so I’m just going to skim over some very basic information about menopause to hopefully help men understand it. I have mixed feelings of menopause and perhaps because my love of menstruation may affect may outlook on it – but perhaps “all good things must come to an end.” While I will surely miss the idea of my wife/significant other no longer having her period down the road, it may also be a very beneficial thing. I think it’d be very contradictory for me to say that I love the menstrual cycle but against menopause as it is all intertwined seamlessly in the progression of life.

Hopefully now that you know what menstruation is, we can start talking about the permanent end of menstruation, menopause. It needs to be understood that menopause is a natural transition as a result of aging in females and is not a disease, disorder or something that needs to be “treated”. Menopause, the cessation of monthly menstrual periods occur between the ages of 40-50 or as late as 60’s. Medically speaking, menopause is declared when a woman who has an intact uterus, is not pregnant and not lactating, when her period is absent (amenorrhea) for one full year. It is important to note that the date of menopause is back-dated one year when there is no sign of flow, as minuscule as it may be.

MENOPAUSE - It's nobody's fault, but somebody's going to pay

While most menopause occur naturally through the aging process, it can also be “forced” to occur – such as the case of surgical menopause where a woman’s ovaries are removed. It is possible to undergo a hysterectomy, the removal of uterus, and not be considered in a state of surgical menopause as long as the ovaries exist, regardless of the fact one will not menstruate. Menopause which occur through aging are often associated with many signs and effects leading up to her post-menopausal life which we will look at later.

The significance of menopause is that while marking the end of monthly menses, it also signifies the end of female fertility, where one is no longer capable of child-bearing. Menopause is an effect resulting in changes to hormonal levels, where estradiol and progesterone production by the ovaries decrease sharply with age. As a woman approaches menopause or perimenopause, the production of hormones become irregular, often leading to unpredictable periods or bleeding. In this time until menses completely ceases, she is still considered to be fertile.

Menopause may also occur at a young age, from puberty all the way to one’s 40’s which is considered premature menopause, as a result of Premature Ovarian Failure, or POF – and where this occurrence is not considered as part of the normal aging process. There is no definitive reason of why POF occurs, although some have been identified such as:

• Autoimmune disorder
• Genetics
• The end of a treatment for cancer with radiation or chemotherapy
• Hysterectomy with both ovaries removed
• Thyroid dysfunction
• Turner syndrome
• Viral infection
• Inadequate gondaotropin secretion or action
• Eating Disorders

Menopause is often seen as a “bad” thing as a result of large hormonal fluctuations, resulting in side-effects and other discomforts. These effects may happen as early as 30’s where a woman is reaching closer towards menopause, but does not usually become highly apparent until her 40’s. Symptoms of menopause may last from a few years or well into 10 years where one stops feeling the effects of menopause. The length and severity of menopausal discomforts cannot be predicted and just like the menstrual cycle, varies from one woman to another.

 

The following is a quote of some, but certainly not an exhaustive list of menopausal indicators:

1.  Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
2. Irregular heart beat
3. Irritability
4. Mood swings, sudden tears
5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
7. Loss of libido
8. Dry vagina
9. Crashing fatigue
10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
13. Disturbing memory lapses
14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
15. Itchy, crawly skin
16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
17. Increased tension in muscles
18. Breast tenderness
19. Headache change: increase or decrease
20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
21. Sudden bouts of bloat
22. Depression
23. Exacerbation of existing conditions
24. Increase in allergies
25. Weight gain
26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
28. Changes in body odor
29. Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
30. Tingling in the extremities
31. Gum problems, increased bleeding
32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
33. Osteoporosis (after several years)
34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

While some of these effects are a result of decrease estrogen levels, the rapid fluctuations in hormones trigger the more well-known signs of menopause, hot flashes, where one’s body temperature soars upwards and peaking-out. It is a common misconception that the feeling of such a hot-flash is related to the spike in body temperature but in reality, is actually the result of the body not returning to normal-bodily temperatures. While this is a very uncomfortable feeling, hot flashes do not pose any physical harm. Hot flashes may however, make one feel sweaty or weak. Menopausal discomforts can be tackled by prescription medications such as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI) for anti-depressive uses or Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) to deal with discomfort associated with diminished circulating estrogen and progesterone hormones.

Some might have noted that menopause can be liberating for women and men and may wonder why. For women, it is quite obvious for those who have had to deal with years of having monthly menstrual cycles that they don’t have to worry about having plans interrupted by their period and having to keep feminine hygiene products handy around the house/purse. The liberating part for men is that post-menopausal, they no longer have to fear their wife’s PMS (if it existed). Furthermore, it is liberating for those who are still sexually active to no longer have to worry about the risk of pregnancy. For fear of unwanted pregnancies, many couples may choose to use birth control and/or condoms during their fertile year, and can now enjoy the feeling of internal ejaculation and an enhanced sex-life. Menopause might be the end of fertility, but is also the beginning of a new lifestyle.

It is important for both men and women to understand menopause, just as much as I believe everyone should understand menstruation and the menstrual cycle, particularly for women who will (without unfortunate premature death) go through it. Education about menopause will not change the reality and discomforts arising from it, but will help women feel comfortable and better-prepared for the process to occur. Menopause is often met with great fear and unknown as most women are not informed about the cessation of menses in a structured manner. Like menstruation, menopause is even a greater taboo subject where there is little discussion and open-dialogue to help women understand what to expect during their perimenopausal and post-menopausal years.

When periods are a long-forgotten past...

Once symptoms of menopause begin to appear more noticeably, it is always a good idea to see or suggest your significant other to see, a medical professional so that knowledge about what to expect can be acquired. Since menopause is a natural female reproductive occurrence, medical treatment for it is not required. However, menopause can result in many discomforts and psychological problems such as depression which should be treated with due care. There are many options available to mitigate severe symptoms, both through natural and medicinal methods. A medical professional would be your best resource for finding what is the most practical and comfortable method to transition through such a beautiful part of life.

Menopause can be both an exciting and an unexciting time in a woman’s or male-partner’s life as it closes a window, but opens a door. What you decide to make of it is what matters most.

When one has to worry about pregnancy NO MORE!

Halloween & Birthday 2010

Ah yes Halloween, how many years ago I was excited for a day of running rampant on the street and collecting candy and treats for hours, completely unaware of the cold temperatures and potential danger that lurks behind unruly vehicles that don’t watch out for kids. Today, I sit cozy in my home distributing candy to cute little kids and smiling faces – to once reminiscence childhood and the carefree, no-responsibility life. I am not resentful, because all people will grow and phases change. Where we once were a baby, we shall become a kid. Once a kid, we shall become teen and slowly we move into adulthood where when we look back it makes us smile. Hopefully everyone has great memories of being young and certainly, I know people who wish nothing but to forget about their childhood horrors. A cute little girl, 2-3 if that came to get her candy with her mom. It was the cutest sight ever, mainly because it also made me think about how bebe and I would hold hands with our little child(ren) to go Trick or Treating 😆

I just saw a long-lost friend the other day at work, turns out he got married just a few months ago at 31. Gosh, I guess I shouldn’t be rushing quite yet since many people are choosing to marry at 30ish, especially for guys. I still have quite a few years to go before that, time for me to learn, time for me to mature and time for me to understand the responsibility of being a good boyfriend, husband and future father. I look at bebe, still carefree and void of many responsibilities for now, although I completely understand that for years she’s been taking care of her brothers, both younger and older – something that I greatly admire. I think and wonder whether by rushing her too much I am ripping this freedom away from her, just being graduated and still feeling out the world. At the same time, I cannot deny my own feelings for her and wanting to make our way towards a successful relationship. Of course, everything starts with the first step and although we’re not progressing at the speed I would wish, just having her around is already one solid footing to furthering our development. There are times when I have deep pangs in my heart whether she’ll still be the same girl when she returns, not because something there changes fundamentally who she is, but rather… 心散 (similarity to “distracted” in English, or -loss-of-focus). I mean there should be no guilt from feeling carefree after a long vacation but really, I wonder if she’ll feel the constant allure to go home and leave Canada for good. I’m fearful and I really am – there’s nothing I feel I need to lie about or pretend it doesn’t bug me. I’ve always been an upfront person, I say what I think.

For many, today’s significance are kids running throughout the neighbourhood, but to me, a big significance is that it’s my mom’s birthday. Years ago this day, my grandfather and grandmother gifted my life with a great mom. They brought her into this world and in turn, my father and mother brought me into this world, grateful is the only word that comes to mind. When I was young, it was hard for me to make birthdays for my parents really special. Over the past few years, being more financially stable and stuff, I’ve been able to set up some nice things for them. Sure, it’s always the thought that counts, but some things, you really need money to pull off. We went out for lunch with one of my mom’s best friends, then we headed to Niagara Falls Avalon Theatre for a show. The show was “Dancing Queen” – and a favourite of my mom after she went and saw a live-performance of Mamma Mia, so this was a similar performance of many ABBA hits. I got some tickets for free being a VIP at the casino (can you tell I go there a lot? LOL) and we got some nice seats, right up front, but not so close where your neck goes stiff. She loved it and she got up to sing/dance with everyone. I think everyone can attest to nothing being more glorious than seeing someone truly enjoy something. I yearn for the day that I can book tickets for bebe and myself to enjoy something like this, have dinner after then perhaps a walk along the fall – very romantic.

When we got home, the kids still weren’t on the street yet, but you could tell the atmosphere was slowly filling in. As 5:30 approached, you could hear the streets fill with laughter and knocks on the doors. The number of kids in our neighbourhood has shrunk significantly. Years ago, it was my friends and I on the streets running house to house. As we live in a more mature neighbourhood and fewer young-couples, it will not be until my friends and I begin having kids that this area will repopulate. As years pass, we hear about older neighbours passing away from old age and it’ll be a while before these houses are captured by new families or those with little children before the area flourishes with new life again.

I must digress though, back to the show we went and watched, I must say that I think it has reawaken my love for white, blond girls, haha. Gawd, those girls were damn fit, this amazing curvy, yet solid, flat-bellied body. Of course all of them being dancers, all had the “ideal weight/sculpture” Even the guy’s bodies made me jealous, nice abs and solid chest… although for some reason, I swear guys can never “fully” get rid of fat because you could still see that while they were amazingly in shape, they still had that typical “male love handles”. The girls were just wow, that same blond girl that’s been in 3-4 shows made me do a second-take on her. See, there’s something about white girls that Asian girls have problems holding up is the body structure. We’re not talking about breasts because there’s plenty of Asian girls with big boobs, but just the general curvatures, seems like Asian girls – NO MATTER HOW FIT – don’t seem to be able to replicate. Even that 80 year-old-guy next to me was commenting to his wife (which made me laugh) how “sexy” the blond girl was on stage, haha 😀 It has been so long since I’ve done a take-two on white girls, I’ve long-gone past that stage of appreciating white girls. Probably since post high-school, I’ve gone back to loving my Asian girls.

The show was very thrilling because it was engaging while providing moments where you can just lie back and dream. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious who I dream about in those romantic moments of the show where the male singer is singing passionately and lovingly to a girl and even through rejection he continues to push forth. To me, that reaffirms that I need to be more strong and put up with the adversities which relationships bring. It dawned upon me that although the little physical contact that bebe shy’s away from, I have a feeling that through the 2 times I touched her hand, one time that I’ve held her hands, if you lined up a bunch of girls, blind-folded me and asked me which hands were hers, I’d probably figure it out 😛 See, they always do these things at pre-wedding or wedding parties, where they see how well they know their own husband/wife. Although bebe and I are far from being a “physically involved” couple, I’m pretty confident that I could tell her apart from just any other girl, haha. Maybe someone will challenge me at our wedding one day XD Every person has tell-tale signs that give themselves off. I think I’d be able to hug out, hand-touch, voice-recognize and smell which girl is bebe. It’s not like I’ve ever (and if I did I’d probably get slapped) purposefully sniffed out bebe, but every girl has a very distinct scent that I’d be able to know whether it’s really her ^__^

So yep, in about 8 hours I have a morning meeting (urg), so I better get to sleep. Thanks for checking in, period-content to come soon! Still so many days before bebe’s back here in my arms, but I have my own holidays to look forward to and then survive another month afterward before her return! Every day gone is one day closer to the beginning of a nice new life for us, happily ever after 🙂

Self-Confidence: Renewal Plan

After many long conversations with friends and loved-ones yesterday, I’ve finally decided to take a new plan of action and start taking control of my life – or well, at least things that I can decide upon. Ever since high-school, I’ve had a fairly bad self-image physically of myself. Through a combination of poor diet, lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle lead me to lose my boyish good-looks and fit body. Yes, that is right, I was a cross-country runner, track-and-field participant, sprinter, cyclist, tennis-player, basketball-player, volleyball-player the list could go on.. I was always out, never at home. So anyways, of course paired with puberty, I grew… both upwards AND sideways. I’ve told myself, that I will forbid my (future) kids from ever eating cafeteria food as that just compounded the problem. I wanted to “fit in” – not be the kid who always packed a lunch and that’s what screwed me today. Nevertheless, I went from being the guy that all the girls wanted to “hang out with after school” and “wanted to invite to the school dance” to the fat Asian kid. It was traumatizing.

Even currently, the shame and self-doubt sticks with me. I admittedly for the past years, been a person who lacked self-confidence, physically, about myself. Many older women have a thing for me, but not ones my age or younger. Ones who have their own children always want to set me up with their daughter(s). In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.

As of Saturday, October 16th 2010, I stand by myself that I need to re-evaluate my own perception. Given that so many people have such a positive view of me, both personality and those who do admire my manly and handsome look – I question myself how I can’t even get over myself. For the past while, my anguish of lack-of-self-confidence was deepened by my receding hairline and thinning hair. For the past year I’ve worried, had nightmares and cried over my changes in hair growth, a once lush-head full of hair. I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ll tell you why. The lack of self-confidence really damages me. Confidence has an aura of its own. Truth be told, I know a guy who weighs 60lbs more than me, is not even as fit as I am, is not particularly “attractive” and man, the girls he pulls in is amazing. I ask myself how.

How can a guy who doesn’t meet what most women would consider to be their “physical criteria” have such attraction? Don’t lie to yourself. The first time you saw your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other, the first thing you looked at was his/her body and face… don’t even bullshit about it. My friend, he’s a confident man. He acts like he’s good looking and it WORKS. His confidence in himself and his willingness to not see a girl being “out of his league” amazes me. I’m a bit self-aware… I date girls or will chase after girls who “match” with me. I won’t go for a girl who is too low or too high in social status. I won’t go for a girl who is too unpretty or too pretty. I won’t go for a girl who is in a career where it puts my career to shame. The list could go on, but I never try to “overextend” myself is what I’m trying to get at. I know what I have to offer and of course I’d look for a girl who isn’t miles ahead of me – because I’d be setting myself to be crushed.

For the past few months as my hair began to recede, I became not only sad, but annoyed. I think for 2 weeks, I couldn’t even bare looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked, I’d subconsciously glance at my hair too. It’s thinning – there’s no doubt. The last time I got a hair cut, my bangs were down past my eyes. This time, my bangs were only down to my eyebrows and wasn’t as thick as last time. I’m so fucking tired of it. I will say, I respect the fact bebe likes hair – most girls do. I understand that having hair makes you appear younger and physically attractive. However, my hair loss isn’t something I desire and it’s already hard enough as it is. For her to tell me she “really wants hair on me” hurts a lot – a whole fucking lot. That’d be like me telling her you need to shave your armpits (whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.. I never bothered looking, it was just an example). People grow hair, not grow hair or lose hair, regardless of where on their body because it’s their body-at-work, not a choice. I love my hair, I do and I wouldn’t want to be without it, but I also don’t want that being held against me. I love bebe for who she is, not because of “portions” of her.

Today, I am a brand new me and I’ve already seen the effects of it. Allowing myself to let my confidence show has made my day amazing. Last night, I decided I had enoguh with dealing with my hair and all the negativity surrounding the way I looked. Yesterday, I went to Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls and had a make-over. I stocked my closet with some new clothes, both casual and business-suitable attire. I can flip between a “young and trendy look” to a “smart, professional, clean look” by mixing and matching. Fashion helps change a person’s appearance immensely. I woke up in the morning looking at my mushroom-hair on my head and got my hair cut short. No, it’s not quite like a buzz-cut or even anything close to a “shave” – it’s just trimmed, short and SEXY. Yes, that’s right, I called myself sexy for the first time in ages because I FELT it. I left the hair stylist with new cut, the first time ever that I’ve let someone “take full control” on my head. She did a fantastic job. I got home to change as I was scheduled to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. I finally dared to look myself in the mirror today – the style fits my head so well – doesn’t make me look like I’m losing hair and fits my face. Shit, who’s that nice guy staring back at me in the mirror? I felt charged. It has been so long since I’ve stared at the mirror in self-confidence. I feel like a new me. Today – I am not ugly, I am an attractive young man, hoping to win the hearts of girls (ok well I lied, just girl 😛 bebe… lol).

Where does confidence come from? Not from others, but yourself. I haven’t smiled in quite a while as I walked around. Shit be told, the act of feeling confident is almost as good as looking like a model. When my friends and I hit the mall afterward, I seriously swear I strutted as I walked. I had so much confidence and assurance in myself that I didn’t feel shy or self-aware. When my friends and I were trying on some clothes, I talked to some of the girls who stood around waiting to change and even the salesgirl. I glowed, I really did. I didn’t feel as if I wasn’t “good enough” to speak to them, her and I were just the same -a human being, no judgments. There were maybe some exchanges of implied compliments and it was nice. It was nice not to feel ugly and whether I am or not – that wasn’t the point, my appearance and aura of self-confidence was enough to make a girl smile. I suddenly realized how my friend gets the girls… just not worrying about oneself is golden, because a girl can tell apart of a man with confidence from one who does not. As unattractive physically as a man with confidence may be, it’s not any better for an attractive man with no confidence.

I am truly happy today because after a very engaging talking with family and friends, I decided I need to change my approach to myself. I am a good guy, I’m a guy deserving of a sweet girl, I’m professional, I’m handsome, I’m intelligent and I’m interesting. I need to drop my “I’m not good enough”attitude because I actually am good enough. I’m a respectful human being and I should treat myself and others as such. I am not any “better” nor any “worse” than the next guy. I am born with a “normal” body, I have all 5-sense intact, I am healthy and I have a mind which can think and a heart which can love. I am in fact, luckier than many individuals on the face of the planet who have been unfortunately deprived of these things. I am a fortunate person and I should take advantage of the fact I am blessed with this. I need to learn to be satisfied, but at the same time, strive to do better. I am now full-out concentrated on improving my self-image, confidence and continue chasing after bebe. She’s no longer going to set me back by saying she wants a guy with hair, because I’m going to make a stand. She can’t just make it the center-of-attention in our relationship – I need to make it clear to her I care about her for who she is and she really needs to get over these physical things which we can’t control. One day, she will lose figure, her beautiful body won’t be there, her hair will turn white, but guess what? I WILL STILL, love her the same way I do now, if not only stronger. I guess some people saw me as being a bit weak, that I let too many things that bebe “wants” affecting me and hurting my self-image and confidence. Today I’m rising to say that despite what she “wants” or “desires” I’m going to display myself as an upstanding and handsome individual deserving of her love – because I will return the same to her.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed, happy, satisfied and strong. It’s going to be a long week as I’m involved in an intensive 5-day course out in Mississauga. It’s 9 hours every day, just session time, and about 1 1/2 hours of driving each way (due to traffic). It has been almost 2 months since she’s left and there’s still 4 more to go. However, I will wait for her because my heart tells me she’s the right girl. There are some things and some people who are worth fighting and waiting for – and she’s one of them. They’ll be lots of competition and lots of courting to happen. I need to reassure her I am good enough for her and that she can feel secure with me. There’s probably a lot of doubt in her mind about whether we will truly get along in a relationship and what the course of her life is and whether she’s doing the right/wrong thing by committing herself to me. I need her to know that just because she may not date other guys or have been in relationships before, that doesn’t mean she’s “missed out” but rather, won the lottery on the first try and that she doesn’t have to go through the pains of a long-term relationship break-up! I want her to know I’m prepared to be a part of her family and friends and that I will represent “us” in good nature.

I stand strong. I cannot allow others to damage my confidence and belief in myself. I am a capable person. I need to allow my image to change and reflect the person who I really am. I need to accept and appreciate positive comments from others. I need to believe their words more than I believe mine. If a girl says I am good looking, I will smile, thank her, and believe in it – not doubt her or think that she’s saying it with an ulterior motive or sarcasm. When someone says “you are a nice guy” to me, I will think, “Hey ya, I’m a pretty nice guy.” I need to STOP with this lack of self-confidence. The only way to make others believe in me is to believe in myself first and foremost. To allow a girl to feel secure with me, I have to be secure of myself. To show I’m not a wussy and that I am a MAN, I do need to not allow bebe’s words harm my image of myself just because I don’t have a full-set of hair. I asked many of my married friends, what if today, your husband or wife changed in appearance, what would you do? All of them without a thought said it’d make no difference. This is what I want bebe to see… me, not of the outer shell, but the inner-heart. This is also what I see of her… not the outer shell, but the inner beauty. It’s unfair for me to compare to her to others because every person has their strengths and weaknesses, where they glow and where they fall short. I think any girl I’ve been with will have a very tough time matching the same physical beauty as my ex-ex “L”… she is the most physically attractive girl I’ve ever truly known (celebrities don’t count, I don’t “know” them). I used to use L as my standard for girls. Every girl henceforth needs to at least be as hot/cute as L, otherwise they’re not worth my time. Suffice to say, you cannot take one girl and compare it to another, it’s just not damn fair. Suffice to say, just because one day when bebe compares me to another husband/boyfriend of one of her friends who may be more attractive or has more hair than me, doesn’t make me any worse of a person! When people ask me what bebe look like, I tell them that she is an extremely beautiful woman because that’s what she is to me. I do not say, “Oh, compared to ____ she’s not as ____” There’s no need to compare and yes, the grass will always be greener on the other side. Be satisfied and you will achieve happiness.

Shit, I gotta get sleeping now so I can meet my coworkers at the car-pool. Blog updates might be a bit sketchy for the week. Will bid you all a good night 🙂 Confidence > ALL!

Looks like I might spend some extra time in the mirror tomorrow smiling and saying, “Ohhhhh ya, just like the old days – handsome me!”

Approaching Women About “Female Topics”

I wanted to take this opportunity to write in reply to one of my reader’s suggestion for feedback on a question he posed to me a while ago. I know I have been lacking on doing period posts and have done a lot of moping over bebe. Suffice to say, it’ll be a long 6 months for me and I wonder if she even thinks about me and has me in her heart at all while she’s away. She has yet to reply to me since she got home and has yet to talk to me over MSN (sad meh Poh Ching?). Nevertheless, enough thinking of that and I want to address a really fantastic topic brought up to me:

Shuamayal says:
August 3, 2010 at 3:02 AM

– I would request you to write on how a typical women would react if asked about menstruation, bra and stuff, & if you have screwed up a female friend by asking such, how to make up for

it or the proper convenient way to ask so the other person does not feel offended or “exposed” & “embarrassed” as i was told once 😦

It took me a while to approach this subject because it really made me think. I’m going to try to methodically write this towards 3 different “types” of girls, relationship status wise, on how I have experienced female topics with them, 1) girls I don’t know well, 2) girls I know well, and 3) girlfriend/partner. Suffice to say, there are girls who might fall under category one, but who are open to talking about female topics even with a stranger, but girls who fall under category 2 where even after knowing them for years are still shy or reluctant to talk about it. There’s no “catch-all” to my experiences because as we all know, everyone is different.

Before I start typing the core of this response, I’d like to make note that things expressed herein are strictly my own experiences and opinions and may not be of general consensus or even truth, if you read it, it is your choice whether you wish to validate or deny my judgment.

To address the first part of this reader’s question, I think that a typical woman would find it inappropriate to discuss menstruation, bra, panties and stuff if you don’t know her well. Also, I believe that discussions on such topics are better left to more private areas. Obviously a woman would be more likely to oppose talking about her period at say, by the office cooler, rather than in the comfort of her own phone or a private place. I think this is a pretty usual reaction thinking even upon my own reactions to being asked a private question. Given how open-minded of a guy I am (or at least I think I am), I’ve had many girls ask me private questions before and naturally, I’d be more reluctant about answering them in a quiet mall where everyone can hear everything as opposed to if I was sitting at her house or something. I remember one time when my one of my god-sis asked me something super private in the middle of a mall food court and I was like, “There’s no way I’m answering that question until we get home.” I think we all have an expectation of privacy and certainly, I’m sure other people around wouldn’t want to hear the conversation anyways. Therefore out of respect for others and myself, I would say that we should respect the feelings and privacy of a woman when it comes to asking such questions, especially when it is not someone you know well. I would wager that when you ask a woman who you don’t know well about female topics, their thoughts would be, “Why do you need to know?” – and the likelihood is you probably don’t other than out of perversion or immense curiosity.

In a way, when it comes to women you know well, approaching such subjects come with greater danger because as said, it may end up damaging a relationship (whether romantic or just friends) that is already formed. I think that women can also be pretty understanding in that if you’re in at least “good standing” with them, that it won’t ruin a relationship unless you make the situation really awkward where they can no longer continue a friendship with you. I must say most of the girls I’m close with have all been very open about female topics with me and perhaps they find solace and comfort in confiding in me about personal topics that they can rarely talk to other guys about, even their own boyfriends. I guess naturally I’m also more inclined to make friends with those who are equally, if not more, open-minded so I suppose that may slightly skew the numbers and statistics. Nevertheless, I do believe that when I approach my girl-friends about such subjects, they’re pretty good about it. If they feel they don’t want to answer it, they’ll say so softly but without hard feelings. There are girls like Poh Ching who I’ve known for only months and even when we first started talking, we hit it off immediately and we talked about things as if we were “best friends” without barriers. I think we’ve exchanged more information with each other because of our openness, than we have with our own boyfriends and girlfriends before. There are girls like Sophia who won’t tell me anything as well 😛 LOL!

I think part of what made women this way were the way society has brought all of us up. Menstruation is a particularly taboo subject and even amongst women themselves are often discussed hush-hush. I’m glad to see that many of the girls of my generation are beginning to be more comfortable approaching such subjects because it’s becoming a more “acceptable” thing (not that it shouldn’t have been acceptable in the first place). As much as I’ve often asked girls about things like menstruation, oddly enough, I rarely approach my girls about subjects of their panties, bra size, weight and especially not their sizes. With as much experience as I had with my ex’s panties and bras, I’ve never noted her size or anything (did that make me a bad boyfriend? LOL), because it’s not something I’m just all that interested in. I think most guys love to gloat about their girlfriend’s breasts and stuff, but for as huge as my ex’s boobs were, I’ve never actually asked her for any of her sizes. So to answer the question, I don’t have much experience when it comes to asking girls about female articles of clothing. I shall put it quite frankly that I think most girls don’t find it acceptable for you to know about her sizes unless you are dating or married to her. If anything, most of my girls I do happen to know their sizes or weight only because they have told me without me inquiring. Also, it’s very natural for me to know about it because I shop with my girls a lot, so when they ask me to pick out certain sizes for them, it makes it pretty obvious as they try things on – I’m not blind you know 😀 But rest assured, I don’t really get all that hyped about that stuff. If a girl tells me her bra size, I wouldn’t be as excited as if she told me she was on her period or something, HAHAHA.

So the third type of women, one you are dating or married to then I think there needs to be mutual openness here. After all, if you’re dating and ESPECIALLY if you’re married, things like these should not need to remain a secret. Your girlfriend/wife (probably) menstruates, wears a bra, wears panties, etc. so it’s not like that is some worldwide secret or anything. If you’re in a relationship and you can’t even share simple matters like these, I don’t see any reason why the relationship should have progressed in the first place. With all my girlfriends, I have always “tested the waters” with their acceptance towards my interest/fetish by slowly introducing the topic in. You can tell whether they are open to talking about it or that they’re very shy. I know you guys listen to me bitch a lot, but honestly, bebe used to tell me a lot more about her period than she does now or within the past while. Like one of my readers said, it’s definitely a spiteful thing to do, especially she knows I enjoy knowing and what harm will it do to her? I can understand if I used her menstrual knowledge “against” her, like using it to time when she will PMS so I can mock and bother her, but no, I use that information with all the best intentions and so I can be around to be extra comforting for her. I cannot understand what logical girl would not love something like that, but hey, we’re all different. Sometimes trying to read into her makes my head explode, haha. When it comes to all the other girlfriends I’ve had, I could see they were open about sharing female topics and having even a relationship-building effect because it’s a special and meaningful way we can connect talking about female topics and I can get to know their bodies/feelings better! Topics like weight and sizes tend to be a pretty touchy subject for women, even beyond relationship and marriage, so really, it’s up to you whether you want to delve in such information. I think it’s pretty usual for a guy to know a girl’s sizes once they begin to share closet space anyways!

I only know of one girl who I’ve probably pushed away as a result of talking to her about periods. The odd thing was she was the one who approached me about the topic, which is really what pissed me off even more. I can see a girl being upset with me if I approached her about a sensitive topic, but if she was the one to begin the discussion, then that makes her retarded for playing “shy” after the fact. She began to talk about how great she thought using the Divacup was and permanently gave up using pads and tampons and then we had a very brief discussion on it. Heck, I didn’t even tell her anything about my “interest” – but just expressed I was glad she found something that she felt comfortable with and was being environmentally-conscious. She became all quiet about it and eventually stopped talking to me. I think I’d be unhappy if it was something “I did” to cause it, but she was the one who opened up to me about something as intimate as her use of menstrual cup, why the hell would you do that if you were going to be offended by it? Suffice to say, her and I are no longer friends and I have no want of “making up for it” because how can I be friends with someone who will open a topic for discussion and then become all sensitive about it when the other person begins to speak on that subject? The only other girl I can think of that I had to “make up” for it is bebe, because that is the whole reason why you are reading this blog – it is her inspiration and my way of expressing my commitment to her. When I told bebe about my interests, like most girls, she was like “wow” (in shocked way), but slowly accepted it within me. However, I needed to reassure her that knowledge of menstruation in a guy is nothing to be ashamed for her, doesn’t harm her in any way and in fact, helps her feel comfortable with communicating with me about anything, even personal bodily issues and female matters. This blog is dedicated to her because it was a way to ease her into the idea that men should know about menstruation and that it is an ADVANTAGE, not a disadvantage to have a boyfriend who appreciates it. Those are the only two scenarios where I’ve had happen to me where I felt I needed to “make up” for my actions.

I think the easiest way to approach women when it comes to these matters are through tact, exploration and to know your limits. Some women are insanely shy about it while others are open even to a total stranger. Some will only discuss it with their own gender while some will be more than happy to share their experiences with the opposite gender. I try to conjure up a conversation related to periods and see if she’ll continue in that direction. If she does, it’s likely she doesn’t feel too shy about it but if she steers away, it is likely she’s either 1) oblivious, or 2) doesn’t feel comfortable with the subject. A big factor besides knowing a person’s personality is also how close you are with the girl in question. Most of my girls I can be very blunt to, especially my god-sis’ I can just ask, “Hey, I forgot when your period is coming…” or “Do you have any pads/tampons left that I can have?” … while there are girls I would dare not be so blunt and I’d have to “work my way in” to a conversation like that. I could also say I know the girls around me well enough to know who you can approach female topics with and those who you can’t and it’s best to choose your targets correctly as it may result in dire consequences. Obviously asking a female coworker who you don’t know well about her bra size, period or weight is asking to get a lawsuit in your face. For women who are resistant to the subject, then the best thing to do is either CREATE that comfort-zone with them where they’re willing to share or simply don’t even bother. Women are entitled to their privacy, especially if you’re not in a particular relationship with them when it comes to their periods and other female topics. Choose your environment well, don’t pick places where a woman might feel exposed, embarrassed or offended where they feel at least they can be open with you about the subject-matter and try to avoid approaching the subject when she’s surrounded by others. After all, I may be comfortable sharing information with person X but not when person Y is present. Your tone and demeanour plays an important part, if you look like you want the information for perverted gains rather than for personal growth and knowledge, you are more likely to be declined an answer by the girl.

To sum it up, you simply have to know the person you are approaching about sensitive female matters. I understand no matter how well you know a girl, she may still reject or make a judgment mistake and end up damaging things, so it’s up to your discretion and choice whether you want to strike up such a conversation. Within a relationship, I believe learning about each others bodily experience helps connect partners and builds character and the relationship itself because after all, isn’t it a bond with each other that is a foundation of a good relationship? There is no right way of asking a question, only a way and how you do it will determine whether she smiles and answers your question or is a tick away from being slapped in the face 😆 There are then of course girls who I know won’t tell me but I bug them about it, but that is usually in jest and just to poke at them 😛

As people say, “Know your friends, know your enemies.”

Saved $7.99 on TWO packs of Stayfree pads – good deal eh?!

On another note, I FINALLY got to use my coupon $5 off any 2 packs of Stayfree Pads, Carefree Liners or O.B. Tampons coupon at a nearby Rexall that they just built (great excuse to scout it out) which resulted in me saving $7.99 off regular prices! I know this deal isn’t as great as the 99-cent one, but hey, my house has been empty of supplies for 3 weeks now 😀 Just for shits-and-giggles, I timed myself.. from the moment I entered the store, look me 8 seconds to locate and get in the feminine hygiene aisle, 9 seconds to get a pack of Stayfree Super Maxi Pads with Wings and another pack of Stayfree Super Maxi Pads without Wings, 7 seconds to get to the cashier, 25 seconds for the cashier to register my purchase and 4 seconds to walk out the door. In total, I managed to make two CORRECT purchases in a total of 53 seconds. I can now proudly say it takes me less than a minute to locate the right aisle and make a product purchase 😛 Of course it’d be a hell of a lot faster if the lady didn’t spend 15 seconds just staring at my coupon to make sure it was “real” before she put it in – heck, I even had my own reusable bag so I put the packages in myself while she read every letter on that coupon! Some might argue I managed to get out so quick because I’m “afraid” or “ashamed” – lol, but hardly… I’m not afraid to be seen in the feminine hygiene aisle or buying the products, it was because it was about to rain and rained-on pads are disgusting as well I arrived only 15 minutes before closing time because I was too busy talking to Amy over Skype that I lost track of time (gee thanks, haha). All in all, a decent weekend – my back hurts today for some reason though. Again, another sweet-sweet dream about bebe and woke up with my pillow all wet because I probably spent most of the night kissing my pillow thinking it was her, haha. On the weekend after acupuncture, this was the first time I think “something went awry” because I had this massive nosebleed. Whatever meridians were poked must’ve triggered something because I haven’t had my nosebleed like this for a long time, even though I was prone to it back in my “less healthy” days. I have to tell her to be careful about where she’s poking those needles if I’m getting a heavy flow (lol) right afterward because who knows what kind of effect it had on my body!

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