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When A Problem Can’t Be Solved…

What do you do when your girlfriend still doesn’t love you as much as she should and you can’t seem to do anything to change it? You try to kill yourself…

Not quite suicide... yet...A bit far from my wrist eh, lol, obviously a very shitty suicide attempt 😛 I just can’t bear to think about how much love hurts, so I decided life is easier “lived” when you’re dead, all for the sake of bebe….. (or actually) it was because I was bitten by my friend’s dog.. AGAIN. That stupid dog is starting to piss me off, I’m going to shoot it or poison it – making sure that it’s a slow and painful death. I don’t know what the hell that dog’s problem is with me, I’d definitely call myself an “animal-friendly” and “animal-compatible” person, but this dog just has it out for me. I’d make sure I use low-velocity bullets so that the dog feels every second of the pain when the bullet drives through its skin and lodges itself in an organ. -_-” or… make sure it is a very slow acting poison…

But anyways, today my girls and I went out to Niagara-on-the-Lake and then later on, Niagara Falls. It was a great day up to late evening, there was no signs of rain which was first predicted, but the air was still chilly but reasonable to walk around. After all, many people were eating ice cream, lol. We all took some pictures, walked around for about 3 hours and decided to head onto Niagara Falls. Although the clouds loomed overhead like it was going to rain any moment, it sure as hell held up until well into the evening – lucky us! We had originally planned to eat at NotL, but turns out the place we were planning to go to wasn’t operating at-capacity during the slow-seasons, so we opted to “go back to the city” to see what we could find.

We took the small roads all the way to Niagara Falls and we passed by the Great Wolf Lodge and one of the girls mentioned this would be a great place for bebe and I to hit during the summer. Knowing bebe and I, I figured this wouldn’t be a place that’d interest us a lot, it’s more for the “family with kids” thing (so until we have them…) – so we’d probably opt for the more traditional hotel with recreation and just a “couples night” together – the Great Wolf Lodge wouldn’t really offer activities that would make the stay worth while. I did see the new Oakes Hotel there and because I know I get a great deal offering through work, it’d be great to get an overlooking view of the falls along with 2 Queen-sized beds. As much as I’d like for bebe and I to be able to snuggle up in a single bed before, just her accepting to spend time overnight together in the same room would make me happy enough. It’s amazing how when we love someone, we’re willing to change our expectations to what we want eh? haha. There’s a thing we can’t live without in our place-of-stay though… and that’s wireless internet access 😆

We ended up eating at Shoeless Joe’s and it was a great experience for all of us. I treated them all and the bill came to short of $100 for 5 people, not bad at all. The portions were massive and we got this “appetizer” which really wasn’t an appetizer… it was a friggin meal in itself! They were all really happy, so they decided to treat me to a bar. Funny because they like treating me to those places, knowing that I don’t drink 😛 My girls are so funny and like to tease me all the time, so treating me to the bar is like getting a get-out-of-jail free card, haha. That’s like taking a vegetarian to an all-you-can-eat meat buffet 😆

So I was sitting around and while they were having alcoholic drinks, I just had some sparkling-type stuff… I also was driving, which meant either way, alcohol was off-limits for me. Although I know that I can still drink up to the legal limits, I just prefer not to have any alcohol in me if I’m driving and responsible for that many lives. If I want to drink, I’d ensure someone else who wasn’t drinking was available to drive or drink somewhere “safe” like in my own home or home of a friend where I can spend the night if I feel I’m not in the capacity to drive.

So naturally, some girls came by to ask me if I’d buy a drink for them or if I was “interested in talking”… but I wasn’t exactly in the flirty mood or feel like I want to consider other women anyways, so I told them, “Sorry no” and that “I’m already taken” – did not plan on going to the bar for potential dates, lol, I was there with my girls because they didn’t want to go home too early. My girls teased me about being so loyal to bebe that I wouldn’t even take a glance at other women – but they all know me well enough that my loyalty to my girlfriend is unwavering… stick a nude chick in front of me and I’d still be like, “Meh.”

So as I’m writing this message, I pretty much got “told” by bebe that she’s uproot locally and moving out to Mississauga. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but that’s also not my decision. Perhaps the shittiest part of it all was that we didn’t exactly spend too much time discussing it, she doesn’t treat me like a boyfriend and kind of “talk it over” about the specifics of how we’re going to see each other and stuff like that. I know we’re not official, but we are still good boy-girlfriend. I’m not saying we’ve never “made mention” of this happening, just wish there was a bit more formality over it… just seemed like she’s “made the decision and that’s that”… I mean, most couples “discuss” things with each other and try to get to common-ground on things… I suppose that’s where her independence-dominance takes over. It’s starting to get to that point where her “attachment” to her friends scare me… wish I could make them disappear, but then bebe would also have less of a reason to stay in Canada. Equally said, she’d point out “we’re not a couple” so she has no need to “ask” me…

Suffice to say, I’m glad at least I have some contacts out in Mississauga and more importantly, my friend who runs his private investigator business has his office there, so if I ever need to keep an eye on her, at least I have someone to refer to. In fact, I actually had fewer people I know here who would help out than there. It’s not so much I want to know what she’s up to constantly, but at least I have it as an option for me, particularly when she’s so far away from me locally here. I hate the idea of having to do something like this, but when I look at how dubious it is that she would not rather stay in the same city as her (potential) boyfriend or consider perhaps working/half-staying here makes me feel a bit weird. Notably, she’s mentioned she can’t quite feel that “want to sacrifice” for me and ok, sure, I doubt she’d actually reconsider where to live on my behalf, but at least let’s consider the implications of us having 50km between us. I know I can handle keeping this relationship alive and I’m not going to let it go just because she’s moved outside of town (at least we’re in the same COUNTRY and PROVINCE) but I almost feel displaced with this decision, quite shocking to me despite her having ‘talked’ about it. I suppose we’re not the only “budding couple” who don’t live super-close and I know many of my friends have had their partners hours away from home and it still works – and even my boss, who relocated far-away-from-work for his wife, so I suppose I have to bite my tongue and make it happen despite me wanting to stay here, close to work. I suppose another thing is if we do end up living together and being married, we could compromise on choosing a “middle point” and since I don’t think she’d actually consider where she’s going to move to as being permanent.

I still flop between how I feel about the “power” and “control” her friends have over her… and I actually don’t think it’s “their fault” – it’s bebe who CHOOSES to be close to them and attached to them (rather than me, wtf). On the same note, it may very well actually be bebe’s friends who are MY saving-grace as to why she’s still considering Canada as a “home”… maybe without them, bebe would not have felt I was a strong enough reason for her to stay… I have to remind myself these are bebe’s decisions, not her friends and they should not get tied up in my displeasure of how her live revolves around them and not me. I wonder if I should be getting some private investigation on her friends rather than on bebe, lol, figure out some way where they can’t constantly consume bebe in their lives… or just wait for natural attrition where her friends begin to get married and have a more regular lifestyle that they can’t constantly be entertaining bebe’s visits. Sigh, I can’t decide whether this is being greedy or whether this is a natural reaction to feel jealous of the time and COMMITMENT she has for them…. use that same commitment on me and we’d easily be “official” boyfriend/girlfriend now 🙄

I’m going to go with what my friend Amy said though… I need to spot this from a more positive standpoint. At least bebe’s in Canada and (assuming) a portion of that is attributed to her wanting to “make this relationship work.” Bebe’s closer to her friends, which means satisfaction in staying here. Her seeing her friends more, means she will appreciate seeing me more now that she can see them so often… or “split time” between us reasonably. I go out to Mississauga quite a bit and I can bear it for the most part. When she gets her own place, we’ll have a “place to ourselves.” When the relationship is more steady, I could have a place to sleep until the next morning and go to work – the drive in the “other direction” is a lot better even during rush-hour. More time being out there might mean I get a chance to “integrate” with her friends more. I have more friends/business-partners out there who can help me keep an eye on bebe if need-be. I’d really only consider that if I suspected anything, maybe give those guys who want to steal her away from me a “warning” that ‘accidents’ might happen to them. Mississauga IS a nice city and I admit, I love bebe enough to move out there if she really wouldn’t budge and move somewhere closer to my work like Oakville/Burlington. The place she’d be living at would still be “for now” and she hasn’t said for sure she’s staying there FOREVER. She’d be able to join my family-friends out more often since on the weekends we go out to Mississauga to see our group/grocery shop. I mean there ARE a host of reasons, including her own reasons of liking that area, close-to-friends, reasonable commute, etc. I just felt really bad about not being “considered” when she made that decision to go there… what about me then?

Beyond all of my displeasure, there’s nothing I can do (well nothing reasonably… I could find other things really cruel to do to force her to stay here, but that’s just not RIGHT) and have to look “on the bright side” of things. At least traffic is in my favour from the direction I’m traveling from and there’s definitely much more to do on dates for us out there than where I live. The only thing that makes me feel sad about this is not actually her not being local, because I could probably still be ok with driving out there for regular dates 2-3 days a week, but rather, the way she “conveyed” it to me and kind of didn’t bother thinking about how I’d feel or make a statement that she still feels the relationship is important despite moving away. If I had a reassurance from her that she’s still very much confident in our relationship, then this move would be no big deal!

Here’s something cute ^__^ Just like bebe n’ I…

http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/couple-differences-do-opposites-really-attract/18w2htvfj?from=en-ca-infopane&src=v5:share:v5:share:permalink

Self-Confidence: Renewal Plan

After many long conversations with friends and loved-ones yesterday, I’ve finally decided to take a new plan of action and start taking control of my life – or well, at least things that I can decide upon. Ever since high-school, I’ve had a fairly bad self-image physically of myself. Through a combination of poor diet, lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle lead me to lose my boyish good-looks and fit body. Yes, that is right, I was a cross-country runner, track-and-field participant, sprinter, cyclist, tennis-player, basketball-player, volleyball-player the list could go on.. I was always out, never at home. So anyways, of course paired with puberty, I grew… both upwards AND sideways. I’ve told myself, that I will forbid my (future) kids from ever eating cafeteria food as that just compounded the problem. I wanted to “fit in” – not be the kid who always packed a lunch and that’s what screwed me today. Nevertheless, I went from being the guy that all the girls wanted to “hang out with after school” and “wanted to invite to the school dance” to the fat Asian kid. It was traumatizing.

Even currently, the shame and self-doubt sticks with me. I admittedly for the past years, been a person who lacked self-confidence, physically, about myself. Many older women have a thing for me, but not ones my age or younger. Ones who have their own children always want to set me up with their daughter(s). In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.

As of Saturday, October 16th 2010, I stand by myself that I need to re-evaluate my own perception. Given that so many people have such a positive view of me, both personality and those who do admire my manly and handsome look – I question myself how I can’t even get over myself. For the past while, my anguish of lack-of-self-confidence was deepened by my receding hairline and thinning hair. For the past year I’ve worried, had nightmares and cried over my changes in hair growth, a once lush-head full of hair. I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ll tell you why. The lack of self-confidence really damages me. Confidence has an aura of its own. Truth be told, I know a guy who weighs 60lbs more than me, is not even as fit as I am, is not particularly “attractive” and man, the girls he pulls in is amazing. I ask myself how.

How can a guy who doesn’t meet what most women would consider to be their “physical criteria” have such attraction? Don’t lie to yourself. The first time you saw your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other, the first thing you looked at was his/her body and face… don’t even bullshit about it. My friend, he’s a confident man. He acts like he’s good looking and it WORKS. His confidence in himself and his willingness to not see a girl being “out of his league” amazes me. I’m a bit self-aware… I date girls or will chase after girls who “match” with me. I won’t go for a girl who is too low or too high in social status. I won’t go for a girl who is too unpretty or too pretty. I won’t go for a girl who is in a career where it puts my career to shame. The list could go on, but I never try to “overextend” myself is what I’m trying to get at. I know what I have to offer and of course I’d look for a girl who isn’t miles ahead of me – because I’d be setting myself to be crushed.

For the past few months as my hair began to recede, I became not only sad, but annoyed. I think for 2 weeks, I couldn’t even bare looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked, I’d subconsciously glance at my hair too. It’s thinning – there’s no doubt. The last time I got a hair cut, my bangs were down past my eyes. This time, my bangs were only down to my eyebrows and wasn’t as thick as last time. I’m so fucking tired of it. I will say, I respect the fact bebe likes hair – most girls do. I understand that having hair makes you appear younger and physically attractive. However, my hair loss isn’t something I desire and it’s already hard enough as it is. For her to tell me she “really wants hair on me” hurts a lot – a whole fucking lot. That’d be like me telling her you need to shave your armpits (whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.. I never bothered looking, it was just an example). People grow hair, not grow hair or lose hair, regardless of where on their body because it’s their body-at-work, not a choice. I love my hair, I do and I wouldn’t want to be without it, but I also don’t want that being held against me. I love bebe for who she is, not because of “portions” of her.

Today, I am a brand new me and I’ve already seen the effects of it. Allowing myself to let my confidence show has made my day amazing. Last night, I decided I had enoguh with dealing with my hair and all the negativity surrounding the way I looked. Yesterday, I went to Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls and had a make-over. I stocked my closet with some new clothes, both casual and business-suitable attire. I can flip between a “young and trendy look” to a “smart, professional, clean look” by mixing and matching. Fashion helps change a person’s appearance immensely. I woke up in the morning looking at my mushroom-hair on my head and got my hair cut short. No, it’s not quite like a buzz-cut or even anything close to a “shave” – it’s just trimmed, short and SEXY. Yes, that’s right, I called myself sexy for the first time in ages because I FELT it. I left the hair stylist with new cut, the first time ever that I’ve let someone “take full control” on my head. She did a fantastic job. I got home to change as I was scheduled to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. I finally dared to look myself in the mirror today – the style fits my head so well – doesn’t make me look like I’m losing hair and fits my face. Shit, who’s that nice guy staring back at me in the mirror? I felt charged. It has been so long since I’ve stared at the mirror in self-confidence. I feel like a new me. Today – I am not ugly, I am an attractive young man, hoping to win the hearts of girls (ok well I lied, just girl 😛 bebe… lol).

Where does confidence come from? Not from others, but yourself. I haven’t smiled in quite a while as I walked around. Shit be told, the act of feeling confident is almost as good as looking like a model. When my friends and I hit the mall afterward, I seriously swear I strutted as I walked. I had so much confidence and assurance in myself that I didn’t feel shy or self-aware. When my friends and I were trying on some clothes, I talked to some of the girls who stood around waiting to change and even the salesgirl. I glowed, I really did. I didn’t feel as if I wasn’t “good enough” to speak to them, her and I were just the same -a human being, no judgments. There were maybe some exchanges of implied compliments and it was nice. It was nice not to feel ugly and whether I am or not – that wasn’t the point, my appearance and aura of self-confidence was enough to make a girl smile. I suddenly realized how my friend gets the girls… just not worrying about oneself is golden, because a girl can tell apart of a man with confidence from one who does not. As unattractive physically as a man with confidence may be, it’s not any better for an attractive man with no confidence.

I am truly happy today because after a very engaging talking with family and friends, I decided I need to change my approach to myself. I am a good guy, I’m a guy deserving of a sweet girl, I’m professional, I’m handsome, I’m intelligent and I’m interesting. I need to drop my “I’m not good enough”attitude because I actually am good enough. I’m a respectful human being and I should treat myself and others as such. I am not any “better” nor any “worse” than the next guy. I am born with a “normal” body, I have all 5-sense intact, I am healthy and I have a mind which can think and a heart which can love. I am in fact, luckier than many individuals on the face of the planet who have been unfortunately deprived of these things. I am a fortunate person and I should take advantage of the fact I am blessed with this. I need to learn to be satisfied, but at the same time, strive to do better. I am now full-out concentrated on improving my self-image, confidence and continue chasing after bebe. She’s no longer going to set me back by saying she wants a guy with hair, because I’m going to make a stand. She can’t just make it the center-of-attention in our relationship – I need to make it clear to her I care about her for who she is and she really needs to get over these physical things which we can’t control. One day, she will lose figure, her beautiful body won’t be there, her hair will turn white, but guess what? I WILL STILL, love her the same way I do now, if not only stronger. I guess some people saw me as being a bit weak, that I let too many things that bebe “wants” affecting me and hurting my self-image and confidence. Today I’m rising to say that despite what she “wants” or “desires” I’m going to display myself as an upstanding and handsome individual deserving of her love – because I will return the same to her.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed, happy, satisfied and strong. It’s going to be a long week as I’m involved in an intensive 5-day course out in Mississauga. It’s 9 hours every day, just session time, and about 1 1/2 hours of driving each way (due to traffic). It has been almost 2 months since she’s left and there’s still 4 more to go. However, I will wait for her because my heart tells me she’s the right girl. There are some things and some people who are worth fighting and waiting for – and she’s one of them. They’ll be lots of competition and lots of courting to happen. I need to reassure her I am good enough for her and that she can feel secure with me. There’s probably a lot of doubt in her mind about whether we will truly get along in a relationship and what the course of her life is and whether she’s doing the right/wrong thing by committing herself to me. I need her to know that just because she may not date other guys or have been in relationships before, that doesn’t mean she’s “missed out” but rather, won the lottery on the first try and that she doesn’t have to go through the pains of a long-term relationship break-up! I want her to know I’m prepared to be a part of her family and friends and that I will represent “us” in good nature.

I stand strong. I cannot allow others to damage my confidence and belief in myself. I am a capable person. I need to allow my image to change and reflect the person who I really am. I need to accept and appreciate positive comments from others. I need to believe their words more than I believe mine. If a girl says I am good looking, I will smile, thank her, and believe in it – not doubt her or think that she’s saying it with an ulterior motive or sarcasm. When someone says “you are a nice guy” to me, I will think, “Hey ya, I’m a pretty nice guy.” I need to STOP with this lack of self-confidence. The only way to make others believe in me is to believe in myself first and foremost. To allow a girl to feel secure with me, I have to be secure of myself. To show I’m not a wussy and that I am a MAN, I do need to not allow bebe’s words harm my image of myself just because I don’t have a full-set of hair. I asked many of my married friends, what if today, your husband or wife changed in appearance, what would you do? All of them without a thought said it’d make no difference. This is what I want bebe to see… me, not of the outer shell, but the inner-heart. This is also what I see of her… not the outer shell, but the inner beauty. It’s unfair for me to compare to her to others because every person has their strengths and weaknesses, where they glow and where they fall short. I think any girl I’ve been with will have a very tough time matching the same physical beauty as my ex-ex “L”… she is the most physically attractive girl I’ve ever truly known (celebrities don’t count, I don’t “know” them). I used to use L as my standard for girls. Every girl henceforth needs to at least be as hot/cute as L, otherwise they’re not worth my time. Suffice to say, you cannot take one girl and compare it to another, it’s just not damn fair. Suffice to say, just because one day when bebe compares me to another husband/boyfriend of one of her friends who may be more attractive or has more hair than me, doesn’t make me any worse of a person! When people ask me what bebe look like, I tell them that she is an extremely beautiful woman because that’s what she is to me. I do not say, “Oh, compared to ____ she’s not as ____” There’s no need to compare and yes, the grass will always be greener on the other side. Be satisfied and you will achieve happiness.

Shit, I gotta get sleeping now so I can meet my coworkers at the car-pool. Blog updates might be a bit sketchy for the week. Will bid you all a good night 🙂 Confidence > ALL!

Looks like I might spend some extra time in the mirror tomorrow smiling and saying, “Ohhhhh ya, just like the old days – handsome me!”

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