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Why Do People Self-Injure?

After my last post where I jokingly showed myself slitting my wrist (when I got bitten by a dog near my wrist), today it made me ponder WHY people ever self-injure. After all, it would see almost silly that anyone would want to hurt themselves… I mean, other than those who are really into the whole BDSM thing, I can’t imagine that getting injured is something that people would desire, suffice to say, it is one of those life paradoxes.

I had a very short-lived date with bebe today… after waiting for a whole week and being excited to see her, it ended after a short 3 hours. It was fantastic, I could finally let her see my house (because I always wanted to, not because she asked) and she could just feel something a bit more special, knowing where I lived and what it looked like inside. I would certainly want her to feel comfortable in my house, who knows, maybe we’ll be sharing some nights here in the future! Furthermore, I got an opportunity to take her to my miniature shooting-range, that way she can shoot for the very first time. We played a bit of Nintendo Wii and then decided that was enough of being indoors, after all, it was such a nice day outside today! However, just before she left, she got a call from her brother. She didn’t tell me what the call was about right away, but I could tell it wasn’t anything good (or well, good for me at least), because she has that look in her face and also she becomes very mild, timid and soft-spoken.

Soon after, she told me that her brother called because they were inviting her to go to dinner with a friend of theirs (and the sister, who happened to be bebe’s friend). There were obviously two instinctual decisions that came to mind, 1) be the more understanding person and let her spend time with her brother/friend, or 2) be greedy and make her stick to her plans of being with me for today. Of course today is special in the sense that it is Easter Sunday – and most people on Easter Sunday, whether religious or not, spend it with “special people” – whether it be family, a significant other, parents or whatever. I am not debating the fact whether her brothers are considered “special people” because it’s without a doubt they are, but likewise, I also gave up a day with my mom to be with bebe – and that’s the position she holds in my heart.

I opted for #1 because it seemed like the right thing to do. From this, I would hope that she is happy and also heartfelt (感謝) with my decision. While I do not “celebrate” Easter like religious individuals, today was a very special day for bebe and I to spend together and to be have to give her up to others hurt and disappoint me, yet, I have committed myself to wanting bebe to see the “nice” and “selfless” side of me. Did I do the right thing? I could tell she wanted to go, despite her “asking” me (as if not letting her would have done anything… she’d just be angry the whole night and not enjoy it either way with me) if it was “ok” to join them instead. It was a battle I would not win… if I kept her for the night, she’d probably “judge” me and call me greedy, want to rush home or would be upset for the entire night anyways. If I let her go, I betray myself and feelings because I’ve been WAITING SO LONG to see her.

Sometimes I ask myself, can she not see how I feel? – or does she choose to ignore the fact that I consider her to be a very important part of my life? Am I squandered simply because “I like her more than she likes me?” I know I’m the one who wants to continue trying at this relationship, so I should not be complaining to her about how she treats me, but I also wonder whether she’d treat a friend like this – not even considering that I have any extra privileges as her (potential) boyfriend. If she was out with friend A and her brother/friend B invited her to dinner, would she skip out on friend A or is it only because it is ME who is in this position? I do acknowledge that perhaps like Poh Ching says, I should unconditionally love bebe and yes, I most definitely should.. .and perhaps it is because bebe KNOWS I unconditionally love her and that she can “get away with it” that she does it… because she knows no matter what she does, I’ll still stand by her and have no qualms about it. She gave me that “I really want to go” look – so being the soft guy I am, I decided to give up my own needs and tell her I’d drive her home to be with her brother/friend tonight. I had gotten to see her for a total of 3 hours, in which I spent 60 minutes of driving time to accomplish that (20 mins each way times 4 directions). She’s still local now, so I can bite my tongue on it, but if this were to happen when she’s moved out much farther, I’d really then consider my option of keeping her for the night much more carefully. I’m not trying to lock every moment of her life with me, but I’m also asking for a reasonable treatment. With her decision to move away without thinking about my feelings of having to go farther to see her, I’ll also be more expecting of the time I spend with her given my travel time is more than twice as much and also much more tiring. If only she could “live inside my shoes” for the day and perhaps then she’d realize what it’s like to be me and to love her so much I’m willing to turn my life upside down for her and also perhaps see in my own eyes and feel through my heart how she treats me.

With that said, I knew because she mentioned that it was not a friend she had an opportunity to see often, I could totally understand her wanting to see her. I’m not ignorant of friendships and the power of them and if I had a friend who I didn’t see often, I’d give up an opportunity with someone I could see often as well – however, it was the matter of which it was done which sucked. She did ask and that was very thoughtful of her and that’s the reason why I responded so easily when she asked me if “it was ok”… because I understood. Because we had a bit of time left, she did allow me to have a walk in the park with her. Unfortunately, she did not take any initiative to hold me or anything and she kept on keeping distance when I walked closer. I had hoped given that I had been generous (大方) with my decision, she might feel “closer” to me and “reward” me with perhaps a more closer-feeling – I did not expect her to deviate from what she’s ready for, I did not expect her to hold my hands or do anything we “haven’t done” but certainly putting her arms around mine and leaning into me would’ve been nice. True, people who are generous “give with expecting” and do not expect “rewards” for everything, but I would say that given I opened my heart to be so understanding to her needs/wants, that she be understanding and give me that sense of “me doing the right thing.”

On the drive home, I was waiting, waiting and MORE waiting for her to at least show the decision I made – she was appreciative of. I hardly expected something like, “oh you’re the most wonderful boyfriend in the world!!” or anything of the likes, but taking the time to acknowledge or even say something like, “I’m sorry this happened”, “I’ll make it up to you” or “I really appreciate what you’re doing” or just SOME kind of sympathy or appreciation would’ve been all I wanted. Instead I ended up to be the one apologizing as if I was the one wrong (which I was when I “reasked” her a question, but I had been waiting the entire drive just to see if she’d acknowledge the fact I’m being thoughtful of her). Don’t even put us into the role of boyfriend and girlfriend yet, just think of us as friends and let’s just say if you were with a friend and suddenly had to duck out, you’d still say something like, “Hey, sorry I had to go” or “Hey, we’ll make sure we catch up next time”… something to show that you appreciate the person’s time and will make amends soon. Bebe literally told me off by saying she can “see me another time”… that was worse than her NOT acknowledging/apologizing the entire ride home…. because to me, that’s like saying to an interviewer, “oh, you can just interview me another time” when the interviewee decides to leave mid-way through. I’m not expecting her to cry on my shoulders and sniffle about how sorry she is to leave me, but if you don’t do something like this to a friend, you definitely don’t do it to someone who REALLY REALLY cares about you. You can’t even apply that, “but I don’t feel like I can sacrifice for you yet…” excuse on this, it is not a sacrifice, it is about morality (道德).

I saw something my friend posted the other day about how “girls don’t like nice guys” and I spent hours persuading him that girls really DO like nice guys. Bebe is trying hard to care for me and be comfortable with me because I’m nice and that because she feels I do deserve her. Likewise, through my own experience, I was reassuring him that good women, like good guys, because I see how bebe tries so hard for me because I’ve proven myself as an admirable man who can treat her right and is kind to her and those around her. I suddenly realized today is it because I’m too nice to bebe that’s the problem? Would I encounter the same problem if I didn’t start off being so nice and soft with her? If I was more of an asshole or hard-footed to begin with, would I be so easily conned into her needs all the time rather than thinking about my own? I try to do things which I think is in her best interest and happiness – likewise, I figured that giving her an opportunity to spend time with her brother and friend on a rare occasion would accomplish that. I asked her in the car whether she “felt” anything that I only got to see her 3 hours today and she without hesitation, told me that she could’ve just “taken the bus” – is it just me, or is there something wrong with that response? All of a sudden I’ve gone from “doing the right thing” to as if I am wrong for even asking curiously if that invokes any feelings of ’embarrassment’ (not the true word I wanted to use, but there’s not a good English expression of 不好意思) in her. I was just looking for her to say, “I’m sorry for not being able to spend a special day with you”… was that simple and then I would’ve felt as if my decision was a proper one to make, knowing she felt that appreciation. Do girls really like the bad boys better? Seems like women like to fall for the assholes and macho-men or the ones who don’t give-a-shit, rather than the ones who DO give a shit. All I have to say is I really really wanted bebe to be happy with being able to spend a GREAT night with her brother and friends, but I also don’t want to feel like as if I’m of not value. I’m a a friggin human being with feelings. I DO THINGS happily for her, she should at least know that!

Because I had planned for a day out, I did not have any dinner preparations. On my way home driving, I had to roll all the windows down and have cold-air on full blast, otherwise I might’ve exploded and killed people on the way home. I drove up to the mountains (because our city has very nice mountains and very well-known for them), went out to the overlook and just screamed out my frustration and anger. More interference from her friends… seems like there’s a common-theme here, always her friends taking her away from me. I ended up kicking over a mailbox, but feeling bad about it, I ended up picking it back up. Good thing no one was around since it’s probably illegal to damage government property. I guess I still have some good moral-fiber left in my body…

On the way back home, I stopped by to pick up some fast food… probably one of the worse fast food places in all of the city. The food is jammed full of fat, empty calories and grease beyond what anyone can even imagine. This is when it occurred to me, why am I hurting myself when it is bebe who is hurting me? Shouldn’t I be angry at HER and take it out on HER? How illogical is it to damage my own body even though I am not angry at MYSELF? Why would I torment myself by eating this shit to make myself “feel better”? It is such a weird thing… and that is also why I decided to research on why people hurt themselves. For ages, I’ve always thought it was ridiculous anyone would want to cause themselves pain – it confuses me. I can totally understanding wanting to cause someone else pain as revenge or something, but to hurt yourself? RUBBISH! However, I proved (along with many others) that when people cannot find ways to express anguish, you do it on yourself (i.e me consuming shitty-ass foods and smash my foot into a metal bin).

Here’s an interesting quote:

This may be the aspect of self-harm that is most puzzling to those who do not do it. Why would anyone choose to inflict physical damage on him or herself? Because they cannot imagine themselves doing such a thing under any circumstances, many people dismiss self-injury as “senseless” or “irrational” behavior. And certainly it does seem that way at first glance. But people generally do things for reasons that make sense to them. The reasons may not be apparent or may not fit into our frame of reference, but they exist and recognizing their existence is crucial to understanding self-harm.

and also found in a psychological literature, Solomon and Farrand (1996) states:

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is “acting normally,” but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.

Because I had only known one friend who ever “hurt themselves” to “get rid of the pain” I could never fully relate to it – I could only imagine how crazy of a girl she was to want to hurt herself as an output for her emotional pain. It is not the first nor the last that bebe’s actions/words have affected me so much that I would feel the need to hurt myself our at least consider the plausibility of it. Today, I realized a bit of it how hurting oneself is a valid output (nevertheless a poor one) of pain. Spending an hour hitting a punching bag have resulted in very painful knuckles and scraped skin, but at the very least, it clears one’s mind and gives you an opportunity to inflict that damage to a non-living thing – at the very least, I’m not hurting a living-being physically as an output.

I suppose for the most part, I have my emotions and output intact. While I do experience anger, hatred and vengeance like any other human being, I keep them under-control or at least within safe confines. I would not necessarily consider myself suicidal, I’ve certainly thought about it the first time I lost bebe – that’s how important she is in my life. It seems irrational, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotions, then you start to begin irrationally. There’s been times I thought about how jealous bebe makes me feel when she holds her friends in greater regards than me, I’ve thought “not so nice things to do” about them… along with any guy friends she claims that she is “more comfortable with than me” – but those are all just in-the-moment thoughts and seriously, I hope she never tips me over the edge to ever act on them. I hope in the future, I’m included into bebe’s life with her friends where I don’t need to feel jealous over them and where bebe can begin to reasonably provide me with the same time she spends with her friends, with me… that way, at least I don’t feel as if they’re constantly “stealing” her time away from me and although it is bebe’s decision to spend so much time with them, it is also them who entice her to spend more time with them.

I think about when L and I broke up. We had been together for many years, but yet, not once had I considered about hurting myself. I had only hated her boyfriend enough that I wanted to watch him wither in pain and remind him and her what they did to me. Despite how I felt, L actually didn’t ‘leave me for another guy’ – in fact, we broke up well before she even moved and met the new guy. It was however, the deep hatred I had for her boyfriend that I would want to inflict much pain on and have her know how she changed my life forever by hurting me in such a way. Nevertheless, if you noticed, I had mentioned things all about damaging another person and NOT myself. On the contrary when it comes to bebe, I’d much rather hurt myself than hurt her because that’s EXACTLY how much I love her, I care about her so much I could not even think about hurting her, but rather, take it out on myself. I cannot imagine my life without bebe and I’m not sure how I’d take it if anything ever happened… I really don’t want to think about it, simply because we are meant to be together and shouldn’t squander the opportunity. Likewise, it’s not a good idea for bebe OR I to “test each others limits” because I know we both have “explosive” personalities (which I saw part of hers today).

On another completely happy and worrisome note… having taken bebe shooting today, she has some remarkable accuracy for a girl who has “never shot before.” With a 8-round clip, she hit 7 targets at 15-feet distance. Shit, I don’t even think I hit that many targets the first time I shot 😆 I gotta say, bebe was DAMN SEXY (even though she always is, harhar), I love watching her aim/shoot because I want to die in happiness from seeing how cute she looks when she’s concentrated, lol! I know she doesn’t share the same gun enthusiasm as I do… she likes playing around with them and modeling in them, but she’s not big on shooting like I am. I’m glad she still joined me to shoot today though, despite her having said she’s “afraid” to shoot before. If she actually spent more time shooting, I’m sure she’d be an adept shooter – minus her using rifles because that did not seem to be her forté due to the weight of my sniper rifle and trying to acquire the target on the other side of the scope. I really enjoyed watching bebe learn and just seeing her posing with guns was pretty hot, haha. I tried not to get an erection over it and I didn’t 😛 I was a good boy! LOL. I do notice she seems to wear the same rotation of clothing every time I see her on a date though, not sure why 😀 Does she have other overly-sexy clothes she doesn’t want me to see her in? HAHAHA.

I’m just going to blame my bad-luck today in what happened and (trying to think of an excuse for her attitude) that maybe she doesn’t value Easter Sunday as much as I do when it comes to sharing it with her. Maybe it’s just I’m too “easy to access” or accessible to her that my time isn’t as valuable. If I was harder to get a hold of like her friends and she wanted to be with me more, every moment would seem more valuable. Alas, I’m still trying to work my way to importance with her friends. Hopefully she has a great night tonight and that it reminds her that I’m willing to give up such an important date for her and that she sees me 苦心 for her. I want her to be happy but also remember I’m trying to be selfless for her. I’m holding out for tomorrow and hoping that she’ll make tomorrow extra special for me and that at least I know my sacrifice wasn’t just for nothing! 😀

Think positive and I pray that one day soon, she’ll find that special spot in her heart for me! I love her oh-so-much and would do almost anything in the world to win her over… I just hope I can accomplish it in the proper way than just having to get rid of all her friends so she can concentrate on me, lol. I rather like her friends (and most are quite cute… although I still got my eyes on Bebe, muhahah), I wouldn’t want to be mean unless I was forced to 😆

Defeated by PMS

So I’ve always prided myself on being one of those guys that can handle a PMS-situation. With all my ex’s, whenever they were in a bad mood or whatnot, I’d always be able to make the situation feel right or at least “correct” those mood-swings positively. Yesterday was proof that apparently as much as I’ve been able to do wonders with my ex’s, it is not the case for bebe, LOL. Last night was our date night and we had spent a lot of time doing what most people would see as great “couples” activities. First, we went and ran some errands together for her brothers, then we picked up 2 of her friends at home and from a mall. Then we proceeded to go get some bubble tea and we spent a few hours at the place playing cards with those friends.

I was rather happy yesterday, because she’s letting me meet her friends more and more. Out of her group of closest friends, I’ve met 4 of the 5 already – so that makes me very happy because it was always hard for her to introduce me to them. Although I have yet to be introduced as her boyfriend, it’s nice enough just to meet them so they know of my presence in her life. We played cards for quite a while, got a new snack to go along with it and it was nice to see bebe talk to her friends and just “be her.” She asked if I wanted to go, but I saw she seemed to be enjoying playing cards and being with her friends, so I said I didn’t need to go. When bebe went to the washroom, her friends were all “teasing” me and they were like, “Oh, do you want to leave? We will help you…” and when bebe came back, they were telling us it’s ok to go, that we should go shop or whatever, but by then, the movie we had planned on attending was < 1 hour away, meaning we really had no time to effectively do anything. Driving to one of the other major malls (because the one closest to us was closing in 20 minutes) would take a good 15 minutes, which means we’d spend 30 minutes two-way just traveling, so it didn’t seem time-efficient.

I guess our “problem” occurred when both bebe and I were trying to be nice to each other, LOL. I was trying to be nice and not be like I’m pulling bebe away from her friends just because we’re ‘together’ and she was being nice to me by thinking I didn’t want to be the one saying I wanted to leave and be rude, so she kept on asking me if I wanted to go. Truth be told, I actually enjoyed playing cards with her friends, so I really wasn’t just “outwardly being nice” – my intents were genuine that I liked sitting there to do things with her friends. So here is where the clash came in as to her actually wanting to leave because she was getting bored, but I was also trying to be nice/enjoying her friend’s company that I didn’t want to drag her away. I suppose we need to ‘learn’ each others hinting more, haha… because I had thought she thought I was bored and wanted to leave, meanwhile, she was the one who wanted to leave and I didn’t clue into it… tsk tsk!

So we left for the movies and I could tell she wasn’t all too happy. Understandably, she’s been bored for a while just sitting there and playing cards with her friends and I was also fairly quiet in not wanting to try to force conversations in, but still, that shouldn’t warrant me be like I did something terribly wrong though. During the movie, I kept to my side to give her that personal space, because as we all know (lol), how much she likes her “personal space.” – I didn’t bother trying anything with her today because she just didn’t seem like she was in-the-mood. Prior to me picking up her friends, she seemed very cheery with me and stuff, so I guess it was something “inappropriate” I said while we were playing cards that didn’t make her very happy. Again, she never can tell me what the problem is, it’s sometimes frustrating because she doesn’t even seem to understand herself. It seems like there’s these “magical problems” that happen that she can’t define, making a solution to it hard as well.

She was hungry (during) and after the movie, so we proceeded to have dinner. We had some decent conversations at the table, but I could tell she still wasn’t very engaged with me today. I tried to make her day better, cheer her up, but it was clearly not working out. It seemed like no matter what I did or said, it was ‘wrong’ – even despite my best efforts to make the night better. I guess sometimes when it comes to that, she’s not very cooperative… whenever I ask her if I can do anything to make the night better, I never get a response I can act on.. it’s always a closed-end response where I can’t really do anything about it. Suffice to say, that’s just her and I guess if it was my choice to like her, I have to live with it. I sometimes wish she could express herself in a way that it allows me to learn what I can do for her, because it doesn’t give me an opportunity to gauge her feelings & interact with them, so whenever I don’t understand her, I’m not sure if she has a right to actually say I “don’t understand her” since she CLOSES those opportunities for when I do try to understand her.

So as our main-course ended, I decided to shuffle over to the bench-side with her since we sat across from each other. I really really disliked the fact she sat so far from me. I mean sure, the “feel” and the “mood” definitely wasn’t here for the night and was definitely disheartening and saddening, but it has been so long where she’s actually sat that far away from me it was bordering the line of worry, anger and stress. Sure, the night didn’t “go the way we wanted to” – but to sit almost a PERSON of space apart was just too much for me to handle. Every time I moved closer, she’d shuffle a bit farther and I just got so annoyed I pulled her close to me. I even had to make a verbal statement about it and really, I shouldn’t need to do that. When I hold her against me, it feels so natural… but she has yet to act on her natural bodily response either. Sometimes I ask myself, is it better to hold on to her and let her get used to my touch on her or is it better to not hold her once I feel the discomfort so that way she doesn’t feel trapped. It’s such a hard question as to which is “right” since BOTH have its merits.

At some point within our conversation, I jokingly touched on whether I didn’t seem to be able to make her happy tonight was because she was moody and “had PMS” and of course most women would respond, “NO, don’t blame PMS.” – but even tonight, she had thought that was it actually PMS as well, because there’s just “so many little things” that bugged her she couldn’t quite put her finger on it… and it seemed like she fluctuated from being unhappy and happy throughout the day randomly. The night wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all ingenuity either because her smiles to me were all still very sweet. Maybe because I thought I could “handle PMS well” but apparently it’s a whole different monster when it comes to bebe, because I just couldn’t cheer her up. It got to around 10PM and I asked her if she wanted to go back, but she actually didn’t yet, despite the foul mood. I decided to take her on a joy-ride then, just to look at houses, be in the car and listen to music. I can’t even believe I did that given the crazy gas prices right now, but furthering the point that I’d do almost anything for her. We drove around for about 40 minutes before I decided I needed a place to just park and rest. It was nearing 11PM and I was getting drained and because I was just so stressed out over the day that it was more emotional exhaustion more than physical one.

As we sat there, we just had some small talk. All of a sudden, she goes quiet probably to think about what she’s going to say, then says asked me if I “wanted to know what she thinks about this relationship”… I literally FROZE when she says that. I said let me think about whether I wanted to know and I could already feel my pulse/heart rate pumping – not only that, but I was feeling short-of-breath. I had to step outside because it was cool and I could regain my composure, thoughts and just my sanity. I got back into the car and told her I’d listen… there was no doubt that my mind raced, heart pounded and couldn’t breath throughout the entire conversation. It wasn’t anything bad, suffice to say, wouldn’t say it was anything good either. I mean it’s great we can sit and talk about the relationship, but wish we could sit and talk about the GOOD things in our relationships, not just her “discomforts”  – but I did get to explain myself and my own feelings – things I don’t share with anyone, not even on this blog. The reason why I had such a big reaction was because of the night’s incident (with the PMS and all… lol) along with the way she “asked” if I wanted to know (since you don’t ‘ask’ when you tell people good things, you just blurt it out) made me feel as if it was another one of those “dead end” conversations. I was so tired from the night that when we finished chatting, I just wanted to hold her hand and take a short nap. She didn’t let me hold her hands, SIGH… so I held on to the back of her hand while I tried to take a snooze, not that I could because of all the worry. At least we did come to the “agreement” that we think it was mostly PMS which brought about the day’s negativity, because ever since she returned from Malaysia to Canada, things have been doing really well for us and our “direction” in the relationship is definitely there. I hope one day SOON when bebe and I had a solid relationship foundation, I can tell her the truth about how I kept tabs on her 😛 As much as she tried to emphasize my loyalty and niceness to her, we both know that’s not enough to lay the groundwork for a good relationship, so it was still a bit dejecting to know she still can’t quite “feel” it with me.

Let’s just say for the sake of an “example” I had a choice between forcing her to be with me, even though she doesn’t truly want to – or if I just let her go. Of course there are those who say the whole, “If you love her enough, you will let her go.” – well let me tell you this, that’s retarded. I suppose we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but it’s “easier said, than done” to let someone go who you truly love, it’s just downright stupid when I hear that sometimes. Call me greedy, but I think I’d still go for option 1. Why? Because a lot of couples who decided to get into a relationship even though one side was not fully happy. This usually occurs when “oopsies” happens with unexpected pregnancies or when people are forced into a marriage circumstance (arranged marriages) or even mail-order brides, people who never once thought about being together, ended up being together, but lived happily-ever-after. Likewise, even if I were to be so greedy as to force bebe to stay with me, she may very well end up being more happy than she ever expected. Sounds like a fairytale, but if there’s anyone who can do it, I believe in myself that I’m capable of that 😛 Of course the BEST alternative would she actually willingly be with me and feel that spark, haha. The way I feel about her is so deep and I’d actually be willing to (Chinese Astrology) 轉運 and give up 5 years of my life just to be with bebe. After all, would I want to live my life unhappily without bebe, or would I rather live 5 years less and be happy with her? I think the decision is pretty obvious for me… that’s how much I love her.

We spent a lot of time expressing our own thoughts about how we view the relationship and I mean deep down, I’m not ignorant to believe that this will relationship will for sure work out, but there’s no doubt I’d want it to work out… and that I’m willing to devote what it takes to win her over. Even though “time” is not exactly on my side, I’ve told myself that I refuse to give up on her and even though I’d normally try to push the relationship forward or whatever, I’m going to just give her that time she needs and that I’m not going to “set a deadline.” As she mentioned her talking to her friends about how she should definitely try to bring those feelings to surface about me, obviously if she’s tried and still doesn’t work out then it’s just not happening. Of course we’ve only been “trying hard” for the past 2 months, so that still gives us lots of ‘testing’ and ‘getting to know each other’ time… I’m not sure if she set a particular date/length of time where she thinks that’s enough time and it is/is not working out (and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to know), because then it doesn’t give us constraints to time – otherwise we’d constantly be rushing rather than being realistic – I suppose we’ll just let time take its course while we do our best to make this relationship work. The GOOD thing is that if our relationship works out, seriously NOTHING will separate us, because we’ve gone through so much that we’d both be impervious, given all the obstacles we’ve had to go through to get to a great place.

I’m not sure how I felt last night. Even when I dropped her off, I’m not sure what I should’ve done. We usually hug each other before we go for the night, but I didn’t even bother positioning myself or asking for one, just didn’t feel right and I’m not sure whether I did it for me or did it for her. I mean quite notably, I wasn’t exactly happy or anything and she wasn’t very happy either – so maybe that’s why. I was kind of upset with how things turned out so I just didn’t feel very huggable. At the same time, I’m also not sure if SHE wanted to be hugged given all the things we talked about. I felt so empty when I went home, like the night wasn’t complete. I got to hold her a lot tonight, but it didn’t feel the same. I mean, I now know I’ve been defeated by PMS – it has never been that bad on me before, I’ve always been able to control PMS on my girls pretty well and have always done the right thing that could help them smile and be happy. I guess I just shouldn’t hold the night against bebe, I mean if PMS is really the culprit, then we’ll be ok once her period starts!

I got home at around 1:30AM after dropping her off and this has been the first time I’ve been so tired that on my drive home, my eyes were READY to close. I got home safely and just plopped on my bed and went to sleep. However, the repercussions to the night were rough. This morning when I woke up, I went to the washroom to puke. There was really ‘nothing’ to puke out since last night’s food had already been entirely digested, the feelings were all the “sick to my stomach” feelings over the previous night. I don’t even know what I’d do without bebe in my life. I don’t want to go back to “searching for another half” because I’ve FOUND her… I just need to be able to keep her. She’s still young and that’s why she’s not “rushing”…. had she been say, 28 or something, then she might be a bit more rushing in this relationship, because that biological clock is ticking against her. We talked last night about how anyone can survive without another person, but the reality is I love bebe so much that I don’t know how I’d be able to go on life without her… Today has not started a good day, I feel exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep, I don’t feel like eating (and even when I do, I feel like barfing) and I can’t breath/concentrate. I just hope I get over this feeling soon, bebe gets over her PMS and both of us be POSITIVE again.

One thing I remind bebe is that all it takes is one incident for her to feel that spark. When, where and how… neither of us knows, but we shouldn’t just give up on it, but simply wait for that spark to happen – because it will. I pray… I pray…

Moms Say the Darnest Things…

So let me start by talking about a little “incident” over the last week that has been kind of creepy (although, positively creepy). About 2 weeks ago I had a coworker who is a big fan of psychics and each year, about this this time of year, they come to our city. Ever since my dad passed away, each time she goes to the psychic, they would be always sense my dad’s presence as not only were they coworkers, but great friends as well. At around 8PM the night she went to the psychic fair, she sent me a funny message saying that my dad came through “very strong” and that he was asking about what happened with the car (I recently had work done on my car due to some fuel efficiency problems) and that he is waiting for his grandchildren now! I laughed and although it’s always nice to hear things about deceased loved ones, I guess sometimes you are skeptical about how reliable the information is or how “real” these things are. Suffice to say, our family is what I would deem as a “spiritual” family… we believe that there’s more to life than what meets the eye and although we are not highly religious of sorts, we do practice our faith to a degree. While I would hardly consider ourselves “devotedly religious” by any means, we also don’t think that human life is as simple as birth and death.

I did not show my mom the message yet because my mom yet, although I did show bebe who got a chuckle. A few nights later, my mom woke up in the morning and was in a very cheery mood because she told me she had finally seen my dad (via a dream) since he hasn’t “visited” in a while. My mom is one of those people who sometimes I wonder if she has “special powers”… because many times things she saw in dreams have become ‘true’ or has manifested itself in one way or another. I’m not going to say EVERY dream she ever had happened, but certainly, I’m always scared when she tells me about her dreams. She said that she saw our family (including my dad) enjoying a gathering with her best-friends mother (let’s just call the friend E and her mom C). Also in the same night, my mom also told me dad had a conversation with her and asked her to tell me, “呀仔加油畀心機追你嘅女朋友!” (My son, continue your efforts in chasing your girlfriend!). Like I said, sometimes I am skeptical about what my mom tells me from dreams because she has an “overactive mind”… but what I’m going to tell you to follow is freaky. However, assuming that dreams can sometimes help bridge “human life” and “spiritual life” – I’d be very happy to say that my dad approves of bebe and that we will have a successful relationship as long as we’re willing to devote effort into each other.

3 days ago, E called my mom and told her she was very excited because all of a sudden her mom, C… called E and told her that she will be coming to Canada as a “last minute” plan to enjoy the start of Canadian spring. My mom was shocked… because just a week ago, she had a dream about C being in the dream with my dad and our family at a gathering… How could the dream have been so realistic, is this something my dad was “telling” my mom that she would be coming? E & C are very good friends of our family, so therefore we’ve always had a great relationship with them so it wouldn’t be a surprize if my dad “reported” to my mom to expect a visitor. My mom had this weird look when she put down the phone.. I guess shock and surprize. C has not come to Canada to visit E (her daughter & my mom’s best friend) since 2006 because of some major injuries and surgury. All of a sudden, after my mom’s dream, days later C actually called E telling her that she was coming and gave her the itinerary.

Ok… so yes, we could all say this was just an “unusual coincidence” that my mom dreamt of a gathering with my Dad, our family and C… but dreams after often “recollections” of things that have happened or manifest itself into our minds… but this situation that was predicted HASN’T HAPPENED and in fact, just “became true”… I guess in a way, it validates that sometimes my mom has this unusual nack for connecting spiritually with my father (after all, they WERE married and soul-mates, this wouldn’t be a surprize) and also, dreams I have about my father are usually very strong and supportive. Many times, I’ve had things my dad told me to be aware of through dreams really did come true. It is kind of freaky. At the same time, this is a very warm feeling knowing that dad is always around to protect us and to give us guidance when we need it. Most importantly, I know that my dad, even beyond the grave, approves of bebe and he encourages me to pursue her love. Now with my mom and dad’s approval of bebe, I’m all in! Hey, my love-life has steadily improved with bebe and I think she is even to begin feeling a little – so thanks to all the blessings of (living) family and friends and also that of our ancestors and the heavens.

Yesterday, I mentioned to bebe that in the near future, I’d like to open up a bank account for her and put a bit of money in every week so she’d have some extra money to spend. I have only did this with ONE other serious girlfriend before and I’m always very careful about it… after all, I don’t want to be used by a gold-digging girl. Furthermore, I’ve used this in the past as a “test” to see how well the girl manages money, responsibility and practicality as well. Although I’m going to wait until bebe and I are on better terms, I have a feeling that this relationship will become successful. She mentioned that one of her friend’s boyfriend does this as well and thought perhaps this is “common” — I told her this is HARDLY the case. I’ve asked around my friends before and most of them are like, “Dude, are you stupid? You should NEVER give her girlfriend money like that…” and most of them don’t even see that happening even POST-MARRIAGE, let alone dating. I questioned myself to make sure I “felt” the want to give bebe some spending money as well as whether it is a SMART choice to make – because we all know money can ruin women 😛

Through major deliberations, I decided to run the idea through bebe to see what she says. She of course said, “Oh you don’t need to do that” – but I couldn’t tell if it was the usual “girl humbleness” to not make herself look like she WANTS that money, or deep down she really loves the idea of having two purses to spend (her parents and mine, lol). From what I’ve seen, bebe is fairly responsible with money, that is why I even contemplated this in the first place. I still need lots of in-depth time to “study” what kind of person bebe is… I mean yes, I do trust her, but I am also practical in the sense I’m not stupid enough to let a girl take advantage of me. I do want to know without a doubt that she is trustworthy and not playing me for a fool. This is not only the case with money, but even for other things. Deep down in my heart, obviously I trust her, but on the surface using LOGIC – I definitely have to keep my smarts about it and not let my emotions consume me. I guess we will find out her genuineness in time. I went to the bank to give her some money yesterday, something nice for her to spend while she’s out there with her friends and stuff, I want to hope that was the right decision.

So today my mom asked me while shopping what we do about handling bills. For the most part, 9 out of 10 times, I would say I pay the bills or any type of dating expenditures. Am I really old fashion to think that the guy always has to pay? I know that especially in an era now that we “casually date” and that there are “open relationships” – dating couples have opted to do 50/50. Maybe I’m too old fashion to accept that a girl should pay. My mom asked because she wanted to know whether bebe ever bothers pulling out her wallet or that it is in her expectation that I am always the one paying. My mom likes to know details because people in relationships are often blind to things… she just wants to make sure I’m not being used. Even my mom said, when she was young, many guys would offer to take her out and every night, she could always get free dinners if she wanted to. Likewise, my mom said that I have to be smart about watching how bebe is treating me, whether she is being equitable in paying when we go out. After all, she doesn’t want her son being rung dry by a girl who simply wants “a good night out” with no expense to her. Bebe certainly has paid for our food/activities before but I think she also won’t get into a fight with me about it, LOL. Although I love bebe very much, I am still “cautious” of these things, so I’m not totally blind yet by bebe, haha.

Date One: Yes, Make the Offer
Most men want to treat on the first date. He wants to show that he is in fact a gentleman. This fine young man will reach for the check when the conversation has settled a bit, pretend to check the figures, and take out his wallet. What should you do? Ask if you can contribute by paying the tip or part of the bill (be prepared just in case he takes you up on it). This is your way of acknowledging his gesture. We just want the offer. A sweet thank-you is also appreciated. That is all men really want — some simple recognition. But, do not go further than making the offer — do not insist on paying your half, even if you’re having the worse time of your life. This is like saying to the guy, “I could never be interested in you.”

Dates Two and Three: Actually Making a Contribution
Out for dinner once again, maybe a movie this time, or bowling or a dance club, etc. Some money is being spent somewhere. Again offer to contribute. Again say thank you when he insists on paying. However, this time find some way to make a contribution. Examples: Buy the popcorn at a movie, buy a round of drinks at a bar, buy some ice cream after dinner. Many guys will say that is not necessary, but it is definitely appreciated.

Dates 4 and Beyond: Time to Insist
Most men like when the women take the wheel for a night or two. Once you are “dating,” you should plan a night and insist on paying. This gesture again is a nice way to recognize that you appreciate your guy being generous on dates one through, and now it is your turn. A nice guy will offer to contribute and it is okay to reject his contribution.

Having read some articles recently, it does appear that “bill splitting” seems to be common on dates now. Weird for me, but I guess that’s how society is moving now – or even if you don’t split the bill, at least make sure the night is “even” between the parties… i.e if someone paid for lunch, then the other should pay for dinner – or something like that. I guess the thing is that a lot of these rules apply to “casual dating”… and right now, I don’t think there’s anything “casual” about bebe and I, lol. Any guy who even thinks about going after bebe right now is asking to cut their lifespan considerably as a bullet will find its way to their throat very quickly. But anyways, bebe has always done her share and has never made it an issue to cover any remainders (especially when cash is involved, OOPS) or to pay the outstanding tip or whatever. It seems like lots of people recommend “talking about bill-splitting” – but that’s an awfully weird conversation to have.

1 Talk about how to split the bill in the first few weeks of dating. Ask your date if they want to always split the bill so no one feels obligated. The beautiful part of this is since you both expect to pay there won’t be awkwardness when the bill arrives.

2 Take turns paying. If your boyfriend paid for dinner last time, just grab the check when it arrives! This way you can go back and forth and it’s essentially the same as splitting the bill.

3 Split the cost of the evening instead of splitting a single bill. When you’re going to dinner and a movie on a single night, ask the person you’re dating if they’d like to pay for the movie or for dinner, and tell him or her you’ll pay for whichever they don’t choose.

4 Avoid being insistent about paying. Some men and women can actually become offended by the idea of someone constantly paying for them (or even paying just once). If your date says no and insists on splitting the bill, it’s best to just agree.

5 Be honest when you can or cannot afford to split the bill. It’s better to just let your partner know you’d rather go to a coffee shop than to a 5-star restaurant.

Tips & Warnings

Set aside some money for every time you go out, specifically for the purpose of splitting the bill. It’s best to always assume you are paying for your share so as not to appear like you are taking advantage of your partner.

Don’t make taking the bill on yourself a habit. The more you pay, the more it will become expected, and you’ll be stuck every time you go out with paying for the meal or the movie. Offer from time to time, but also ask, “Wanna split it today?”

Interesting on that last one about the “warning”… I wonder if it’s true. I’m not sure… right now, maybe I’m being stupid, but I consider bebe “just like family” and my sweetheart… I try not to think of us as “you” and “me” – but rather, “us”… so what’s the big deal about spending our money? I think most people would say I’m playing a dangerous game here, allowing a girl to: get money out of me, have dinners & activities paid for, her personal chauffeur.. etc. Am I being too innocent or is it because I’m so committed to her I feel there shouldn’t be a separation? I’m sure there’s always a risk of being used, but seriously, bebe treats me great and if she wasn’t being genuine about her feelings for me, she could use me but give me NOTHING in return and I’d still be enough to do it. The fact she’s making a very real effort, I would like to assume/feel this is all real and not fake.

I’ve also noticed that bebe isn’t very picky when it comes to choosing a place (in the sense she will not always demand we go “somewhere nice”)… we can eat nicely or eat casually – that to me is very important. If she asked me to take her to a nice place EVERY time and expected me to pay, then for sure my mind would start noticing something wrong. I dislike wasting food, so I always try to not over-order and I expect the same of bebe. I would never have an issue for paying for food she can eat, but I would be upset if she ordered lots and didn’t eat it. Having a “bit of food left” at the end is very different than “ordering a table full of food to eat a plate.” I love the way that bebe makes me feel good about never having given me flack for places I’ve taken her in terms of whether it was “up to her standards” e.g high-class restaurant versus a locals joint. I think I noticed that most when I was with her in HK where she was more than happy to accompany to eat at not-so-nice places. I followed through by reading a question a reader posted up on the AskMEN site… entitled “Does She Love Me For My Money?” – it makes you think although this is definitely NOT how I feel about bebe.

My mom said she recommended me to sometimes stay at home and do things with bebe and just cook together. Bebe in the past have told me she dislikes when we eat at home because she has to do the dishes. I always tell her I can do the dishes if she doesn’t want to. I don’t want this to become a valid excuse for her not to eat at home. My mom says that the “highest level of genuineness from a girl” is making a meal with each other at home. She should be willingly to make a meal for a guy, not necessarily “the best meal ever” – but showing that she doesn’t always want to just dine out and that cooking as a couple is not simply the objective of “putting food in our mouths” – but a FUN experience of COOKING TOGETHER. This isn’t something I’ve never thought of before, in fact, the past month I’ve been always offering to let’s cook at her house. It has hurt me that each time she always uses the “dishes” excuse… and let’s just say IF dishes are a problem, can she not at least find it in her to eat at home sometimes? Sure it is a hassle, but I’m not asking her to do that on EVERY date, just that being able to spend time in the kitchen with each other, learning a new recipe or trying a new meal – even if we FAIL it, at least we have an experience and memory. Right now, this is the only thing I’m kind of upset about on why we HAVEN’T done this yet – why does she a) use the same excuse, b) not just be willing to do the dishes regardless of the complaint and c) learn to appreciate some home-cooked meals with me. I like “variations” in my life… I do not expect her to invite me over every night to eat, but I also don’t want to go out to eat all the time and not have HER at least sacrifice a bit of her unwillingness to do the dishes/make a mess as a justification for not being in the house/kitchen. I kind of got annoyed when I was looking at pictures I had saved on my phone with bebe, I could clearly note she had parties with her friends at her house (with the kitchen clearly visible) – so my challenging question to her would be why you let YOUR friends come over and prepare food in the kitchen, but not ME? This has only been a small matter for me, but I can slowly feel it manifesting inside me towards dissatisfaction of “equality” between her friends and I and the lack of motivation for her to “do something for me.”

Anyways, last night really ended up well so I don’t want to let something small make me question her motives and feelings. I need to be more positive about outlook at things she does because sometimes her actions does make me think, but at the same time, I’m not going to be too hasty and judge her too quickly. Obviously if something’s amidst over time, then I will act on it, otherwise, it may be just a simple “phase” thing that she’s going through. Maybe it just doesn’t cross bebe’s mind that something as simple as “not offering to cook at home” is not offensive, but to me, it makes me wonder WHY a girl who I’ve been with this long hasn’t at least offered once to make something for me at home but fobbing me off with excuses. I know her kitchen isn’t in the best condition or the most romantic setting, but come on… If I have to pressure her to do it, then it has no meaning. Sometimes I think we need to do things from the heart and not simply because we have to be “asked” to do something. Maybe this is the problem with girls who have not had more relationship experience, so maybe I do need to “teach” her these things or explain to her “this is how I see the current situation”… but ya…. well who knows, maybe she’ll kick up the role a bit later. Even if she doesn’t know how to cook a lot, at least we can make “quick-fix foods” or she can even feel motivated enough to LEARN something just for the sake of making a sweet-dinner.

My mom truly believes that girls should be “responsible” as well when it comes to paying on dates… it’s not a matter of being so calculative as in… the bill is $50, so therefore you owe $25 and I will pay $25… but a matter of that there should be equality and an acceptance of responsibility and not being the rung through the dryer. I don’t mind bebe not always paying particularly because she’s still using her parents money and not earning any income, so hopefully she’ll start being a bit more prudent about us doing stuff together around-the-house and making food together as a way for us to “become closer.” I know for the rest of my life I will be catering for bebe and that’s MY fault for loving her so deeply and to allow myself to do that… but I also want a bit of that ‘return’… which bebe has told me she’s not ready to return that sacrifice yet… but everyone has a tolerance level and it’s like those nuclear reactors in Japan… those reserves can withstand a degree pressure, lack of water to keep it cool and can go without maintenance for a bit… but not giving it water when it needs it and letting it wear down to a dangerous point is a recipe for an explosion. I don’t want to ever have to reach that point where I need to point out to her that she treats her friends better than me and that she’s not being “fair” about it and have me even become explosive on her friends – because that won’t be nice… maintain those reactors, do patch-work, be diligent about keeping the water levels topped up and all will be fine. Excuses don’t cut it in a relationship, the only PRACTICAL solution is to do something about it.

Just like one of my annoyed friends use to say when he saw those “closed” signs on business doors, “Sorry, we are closed at the moment.” and he always hissed, “If you were fucking ‘sorry’ then you would be OPEN right now!” — lol… I mentioned to bebe that I’m free during the weekdays too if she wants to go out or whatever, whether she’s returning back to town or whether she wants me to go out there to meet her… I wonder whether she’ll actually heed it.

The Typical Date… Almost!

So another great date-night… isn’t it a great trend lately that I’ve been having great days? Life is starting to really become enjoyable. I mean look back at the history of my blog and you will see much depression and anxiety… often mixing in with frustration and anger. Today was a beautiful night with many reasons making it so. Today, bebe and I decided to do a “typical date” night.. you know, the whole ‘dinner and a movie’ thing – LOL. As long as we have been dating, we have not done this before, so it was a nice experience. We’ve always found very abstract things to do with each other, but a movie just “never came to mind” – or I should correctly say, it never came to my mind since I’m not a movie goer (but a movie WATCHER), but I see why it’s so enjoyable now. Suffice to say, watching inside a cinema is definitely more expensive than at home, but hey, once in a while it’s ok. Like I said, I want our dating to be “balanced” and “reasonable”… i.e going out all the time would become a burden, so being able to do stuff around the house is nice as well. If it was expected that every date is a dinner + activity + movie, then it’d get rather pricey… not that I wouldn’t be willing, but then I’d certainly have to cut back elsewhere.

Anyways, we watched BEASTLY [Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen]… not a bad movie and although I would not say “wow” I wouldn’t say “nay” either… rather indifferent. That’s not to say bebe didn’t choose a good movie, because it was probably already one of the better one of all the ones we could’ve chosen from. Again, I tried asking bebe if she wants to hold hands during the movie… and still, no go. I had thought maybe she wanted to do a movie with me (it was her suggestion) as a “signal” that perhaps she is ready for some physical intimacy, but alas I lied to myself once again. I wasn’t upset… because I’ve kind of hit that point where I just feel that each time is a ‘chance’ and an opportunity for me to ask. Back a while ago, I would get frustrated every time bebe “rejected” me… but now, every time is a brand new chance and because I know bebe isn’t the type of girl to take initiative. I know I will have to continually ‘ask’ and one time succeed, but she would definitely not be the one to ask ME if I wanted to hold her hands or for her to offer. I can definitely see my level and tolerance and patience beginning to change to accommodate to her more resistant levels of intimacy. It’s a very sweet thing that I even see myself changing and growing “for” her. Had it been a month ago, I would’ve been very hurt, angry and it would kind of ruin my night. Now, I just accept it and think that, “next time will be another chance until she says yes!” – perhaps sad self-encouragement, but better than beating my self-confidence up over it.

During the movie, I did spot her body language… she sat “more to the left” when I was on the right-hand side. I’m not sure whether it’s just naturally her to shift to one side, I haven’t sat in a chair next to her enough to judge, or whether she’s implying she wants to “keep a distance.” Suffice to say, it took some time during the movie before I even mustered up the courage to ask her. When she shook her head, I felt kind of dejected… but hey, it has been THIS long already, what’s one more time? 🙄 Then about 10 minutes later, she tapped me and for a moment, my heart was really happy thinking that she finally changed her mind or felt that “spark”… but nope, once again… it was just because she wanted me to shuffle in so she could go to the washroom -__-” At that point I just gave up and didn’t want to affect the night by putting too much pressure. Many people often wonder why I ask, because it is always kind of weird… because usually things like that, holding hands, touching shoulders, embracing hugs and the surprize kiss is usually just something that “happens” and most people don’t ask for permission or anything. Indeed, it would give bebe less time to react and I would actually be able to pull it off, but that’s not the point. The point is, even something as simple as holding hands, is very akin to having sex. You do something, because you FEEL and WANT to… I want bebe to feel and want to hold my hands, not a matter of obligation or pressure. It’s kind of like having “loveless” sex (I’m sure plenty will disagree with me here, but this is MY stance)… sure, you have it and possibly even have an orgasm, but in the end, it has no meaning. I could grab her hands, hold it and she may let me without making a fuss, but if neither of us feels that “connection” – then it is a meaningless to hold hands. I want to always give bebe that opportunity to accept and that’s why I keep asking, so she feels like she doesn’t have to be the one to “take the step” – but at the same time, I also want to wait until she’s ready – and thus, I feel that meaningless hand-holding is like having sex with a stranger who you have no feelings for.

I know bebe could tell that I wasn’t thrilled about her not accepting, which wasn’t a huge “problem” for me… I’ve already been a failure this many times right? I don’t blame her, I blame myself… what kind of terrible boyfriend am I who can’t make his girlfriend “feel” like holding his hand? But anyways, bebe’s getting much better at reading me now, which is really nice. After we got back into the foyer of the cinema, I found a little arcade center there so I went in and took a look. She snuck up on me while I was reading the “instructions” on one of the games. I’m not sure whether she meant to or not… but she gave me this light little touch/put her hands on my wrist… I’m not sure if that meant anything, but it certainly made me happy. It didn’t go any further than that and she only did it for less than a second, so I’m not sure whether she pulled away because it was “an accident” she held me like that or whether it truly was something from within her.

Oh right… how did I even skip this far anyways? LOL… so before we went to the cinema, backtracking a bit, we went to a “jok fun mien fan” place… (Congee, Dough-Noodles, Noodles and Rice)… Hong-Kong style Chinese eatery. Bebe and I had some really interesting conversations and more importantly, they were very relaxed and close. The attentiveness to each other was high and we truly connected in those conversations together. The conversations weren’t even so much about “each other” – but just the fact the topics brought us together. Furthermore, we both got to learn stuff about each other and shared a bit of our history and stuff. The important part was there were lots of revelations about each other, so it was a very successful and informative dinner. I could tell that bebe was more “engaged” and also feeling very comfortable/open. Although having dated bebe for this long, I still get the ‘pre-date jitters’… even the hour before leaving the house, I keep on thinking, “oh, what are we going to talk about?” and try to think of topics… but it’s like whenever we get together, the topics just come naturally. It’s so beautiful 🙂

So I “formally” met one of her friends today… well, formal may not be the perfect expression, but more or less I got to meet one of her friends, was introduced and was not “an accident” like the prior time I met her friends. Definitely a nice girl and I’d for sure want to get to know her better, but I’m sure it’ll take a while to break the ice too. I was cautious this time because bebe had told me her friend is rather shy and that I should be careful about being too aggressive (conversationally) with her. Being an avid person who likes to “read body language” – I could tell her friend wasn’t ready to have rapid-conversation with me yet, so I kind of spoke to her on an as-needed basis and whenever I did, I also “included” bebe in the conversation so she would feel more comfortable communicating with me. All-in-all, I’m not sure what kind of “impression” I made on her friend, but at least I didn’t screw anything up. I kind of think how much it sucks that the reason why I even got to meet one of bebe’s friends was because I offered to fix her computer, but hey, at least I got to meet one… although I wish it was on a less “official” or “business-like” matter. Go figure that when I was introduced, she didn’t give me a title… haha.

So I dropped them off and called it a night. Her friend was definitely “smart” about it… she walked ahead in case bebe and I wanted to ‘do’ anything (ya right, I wish…. no goodnight kiss as usual) and to give us some privacy. I already knew at the start of the night that if bebe and her friend leaves together, she will not likely give me a hug. Still, every time I leave her I only get a hug if I ask for one, she never offers… in fact, we should not only be hugging when we part, but even when we first see each other and throughout the time we spend together. Intimacy should not only be for “occasion” or an “event” during the day. But anyways, yes, I realized if I was dropping them off, bebe would likely be “too embarrassed” (yes, because I am an embarrassment of a boyfriend) to give me a hug with her friend present, so I had already expected it. However, oddly enough, she stopped as she was about to close the door, turned around and gave me some parting words for the night. They were genuine, nice and made me feel good – perhaps I guess she knew I was waiting for my hug which I was clearly not getting, so decided to at least say a few things to me… The smile on her face… was amazingly warm and felt like she was “reaching out” to me, knowing that I wanted something that she wasn’t ready to give in the presence of her friends (which I suppose I expected/understood). Something about that smile of hers though… her smiles have always touched me before, but never like this… it was so gentle, as if we are finally “connecting” with each other profoundly.

Bebe and I are starting to become more and more like a couple, I can feel it and I can tell that comfort-level is growing between us. Though we are far from intimacy or even simple physical contact, I know that she’s definitely trying her hardest and that I am trying to do my best to be “Mr. Right” for her. Although there are times I wonder how it’s acceptable for her to want ME to change, but not to change for me, I guess she has it right when it comes down to the fact that she’s making much effort for herself to “feel” for me and that in itself is ‘changing’ her… I suppose people may REALLY chastise me for my “one-track mind” in always expecting my favourite type of information from her, so I’m just going to shut-up about it. To me, her telling me that stuff isn’t just simply satisfying curiosity, but a sign of comfort and acceptance. Until she’s ready to tell me more about that stuff, I still sometimes feel that pang. At the same time, I feel honoured and very special that she at least discusses SOME with me, so I should always bite my tongue and not complain. Maybe one day, just one day soon, she’ll whisper in my ears, “I’m on right now” and smile at me 😀 That would make everything great! See… maybe I lie and sometimes I do have a dirty little mind, but at least I’m honest about it. I can’t deny my “passion” for that stuff, but also, because bebe has been very generous to accepting my ‘flaw’ of loving menstruation. I wish I could stop using this as a “determiner” – because it’s not fair that I use this to judge her comfort with me – although she has admitted that night when I mentioned periods that she told me not to push back down her comfort with me which was a bit crushing/disappointing, but whatever, she DOES have a point which I can’t deny.

It has been a wonderful night we had and although I did not accomplish much in terms of making a “great” impression on her friend, at least I did get to finally meet one ‘officially’ and more importantly, tonight I could truly feel that “couples feeling” when bebe and I were together. More importantly as well was I also got to see how bebe is like when she’s with her friends and it’s WONDERFUL — because I need her friends to bring out that carefree and relaxed girl that bebe can only be when she’s around her friends. I suppose it gives me a BIT of jealousy that her friends can bring that happiness out of her while I can’t, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time! All that matters for now is we’re actually taking steps in stride now, rather than going backwards. I should not make this whole period-information thing a big deal (but can’t deny it makes me feel NICE when she does tell me things), because I always tell her to learn to appreciate me for who I am/what I do/that I’m around… I should heed my own words and be grateful for her as well, she is a BLESSING to me.

Still no hand-holding or a passionate kiss yet… but one day… one day soon – because I believe we can make it!

Alianya – Imitation Chinese Version of Avatar

LOL…. wow, this is just incredible I had to post it! I take no credit for the content posted in the block-quotes as it’s an excerpt from Chinasmack. Clearly there is a lot of talent in China to be able to create something like this. Perhaps a bit of dedication as well to make something so detailed. My head would explode having to compose something that intricate!

Only read this if you have a lot of time, but I assure you it made me smile and hope it will make you smile as well 😛


“Alianya”: Chinese Shanzhai Version Of “Avatar”

by terroir on Monday, June 21, 2010


This is a photostory posted on the Tianya BBS that “borrows inspiration” from the recent 3D CGI blockbuster “Avatar” to tell a similar story of  “man vs nature”. It appears to be an advertisement for tourists to come to Xishuangbanna, China as this certain locale is touted to have served as an actual inspiration for Avatar as well as having been the one place in China that looks the most similar to Pandora, the fictional moon paradise where the 10 tall blue-skinned Na’vi live.

This use of the movie Avatar to promote tourism in China is not new.  In fact, the BBC had reported that the Southern Sky Column in Zhangjiajie, Hunan province, had changed its name to the Avatar Hallelujah Mountain as a way to attract tourists (a claim reportably later denied by officials).

While it looks like a movie, the stills are so heavily Photoshopped and art directed that these are not likely to be movie stills.

Netizens are on the whole very supportive of this post, in no short part due to the insinuated nudity shown by the lead actress.

From Tianya:

Me and my friend’s made a shanzhai version of “Avatar”, raising pot lid

I’m always slumming it over at “lian2peng2” shooting the bull, but over here in the “Picture Section” I am a noobie and this will be my first time posting, so go easy on me.

Previously I have always been writing many ghost stories and horror novels. My friends have complained I have become more and more depressing, so I’ve decided to try something new.

Thus inspired, I have tried to write a different story than before. In collaboration with my good friend whom I’ve known since the fourth grade in primary school and a professional photographer, the two of us have put our combined results on the internet.

HOHO, I must tell you, my friend is a beautiful and intelligent single female photographer!

If you think this is at least a little interesting, then please give a hand and ding this post. If on the other hand you find the story and images all very boring, I also welcome bricks.

PS: This was originally a short story, but because of the photographs, it snowballed into more and more. As the pictures are finished we will be releasing them, so it will be within three or four days before that is done. If we’re not careful we will be serialized, and we’re really sorry about that.

First let me nervously raise my pot lid, and post an introductory movie poster we made.

Oh, I should tell you this pictorial story is named “Skygazer Tree – Alianya”

Alianya, a Chinese "shanzhai" Avatar pictoral story probably promoting a tourist location.

The pictorial story:

The story goes like this:

As a long time white collar office worker and burdened with the stress of living, life has made me more and more detached and numb. All day long I am distracted with running this endless corporate rat race against my competition just to pay for my apartment.

I am so tired, I just want to run away and hide. After one sudden impulsive outburst, I finally handed in my resignation and decided to throw all of my life’s pressure away to one side and take a long deserved vacation.

On the wall of my home is a map, and when I got back home I decided to try something: with my eyes blindfolded with a black cloth, I would randomly throw a dart. Wherever the dart landed would be my destination of my trip.

Chinese man throwing a dart at a map.Though these vacations are hard to come by, I’ll let a dart decide to which destination my trip will take.

According to where my dart landed, I have arrived at Sipsong Panna (or Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, China).

Having gotten off the plane I immediately noticed the sun beating down on my shoulder, making me feel as though the warmth touched my soul.

Chinese man with camera in hand, airplane in background.I have come to the promised land, Sipsong Panna.

Leaving Jinghong International Airport in Yunnan and riding in a car for two hours, I finally arrived at the location as pointed out by the dart, Mengla county in Xishuangbanna Daizu Autonomous Prefecture, Yunnan Province.

A friend told me that the world’s most beautiful rainforests are located here in which the tallest trees poke at the sky. These types of trees, the tallest in China, are called Skygazer trees.

Alianya, road signs.Pursuing the gigantic trees with courage as wide as the sky.

After getting out of the car, however, I didn’t see a trace of the tropical rainforest. In front of me all I can see were flaky rubber trees and withered, dead tall trees.

These are the Skygazer trees, the soul of the rainforest, but all they could do now were to stretch their weak withered branches, somehow doing their best to stretch outwards almost as if they were wordlessly trying to give an account of something. Could it be that these rainforest trees are the same ones from my dream?

As the economic development grew, as could be seen in the great number of rubber trees planted, the area of the rain forest was quickly reduced. But what could I do to help the Skygazer trees survive?

A Chinese man looks at a tall tree in Yunnan, China.Shake! It’s as though these withered trees are crying next to the rubber trees.

I then approached a Hani village just nearby the rainforest, the local village people enthusiastically told me that I needed to embark on a speed boat to follow the water route; that way I could then reach the forest with the Skygazer trees.

Thus I shook off my wits and went down to the pier to disembark, but as I neared the pier a light flashed before my eyes.

Chinese man in front of women.In the village of the Hani people I heard that there were still a few surviving Skygazer trees.

Not far in front of me, a pretty girl suddenly looked back, her eyes tinged with a look of grief. I pitied her, and my heart was unable to avoid the wide waves of emotion she washed over me.

However, she quickly faced forward and sped off. On the pier she boarded a ship and headed for the forest with the Skygazer trees; coincidentally, just the place I too was headed!

Pretty Chinese girl in Alianya.This was the first time I saw her.

I sped up my footsteps to get on the same speed boat she was about to embark on, but by accident I let two local people, a boy and a girl, get in my way. They enthusiastically carried a bamboo cup full of some enchanting spirit and invited me to drink it.

This is the way of the local people; any time a stranger would visit the village of the Hani people, the villagers would invite him to drink a cup of this enchanting spirit. But through their enthusiasm, I lost out on my chance to board the same boat as the girl.

With a touch of concern for this beautiful woman, I hurriedly accepted the cup and drank heavily.

Chinese photographer drinking from a cup.The passionate village people used the enchanting spirit to block my path.

When I put down the elixir cup, the speed boat she was riding in had already left the pier. I boarded another speed boat when by a lucky coincidence the boy and girl who had just served me were also traveling in the same boat as I.

While the speed boat raced over the green waves and ripples of the Nanla River. I looked at the the uniformly kept rubber trees that passed by us on both banks in neat little rows. I nervously contracted my brow, and my heart refused to falter.

Images appeared in my mind of a hatchet come striking down, and then of a “Stargazer” tree lumbering down with a crash, and then of thousands of young rubber tree plant spouts replacing them. Each day a bit of rainforest disappears, but how many people actually know this fact?

I lifted up the camera in my hand and decided to record everything as realistically as possible.

Chinese photographer in a boat.On the Nanla River, where fragrant footsteps are everywhere without having to look for them.

Onwards the boat went. In less than a moment’s notice, the rubber trees all disappeared only to be replaced by a lush, virgin rainforest, one that has been untouched and undeveloped!

In the midst of my euphoria at marveling at the beautiful scenery of what appeared o be an Amazon River of the East, I let out a huge cheer! But then by accident, it appeared to me that the Hani local boy and girl were secretly spying and peeping at me – but maybe I was being too suspicious.

A beautiful river/lake in China.The charming and gentle scenery of the rain forest, but no trace of the speed boat that came before us.

After getting out of the boat I tried looking for the girl, but the Hani people took me to a secluded part of the rainforest.

After having madly passed through an overgrowth of strange plants, I saw row upon row of tall, towering trees, so tall they stuck right into the bottom of clouds!

They told me that these were the fabled Skygazer trees I had been searching for, and all I had to do was to climb to the peak of these trees and then I could turn to heaven and make a wish, one that would prove to be effectual and matchless without comparison.

The local people have tied ropes in the middle of these Skygazer tree to make a makeshift corridor. As the local girl made her way across it seemed like she disappeared in the middle of this treacherous passage.

“Do you dare cross it?” the Hani local boy asked me, sneeringly.

Trees and sky.At the horizontal corridor suspending in the middle of the sky, I mulled over my decision.

How can I let them look down upon me? However, when I was traversing this sky bridge I could really feel the rope beneath my feet tremble above this lofty perch…

The view below was of a endless sea of green foliage from the crown of trees, while above me the Skygazer trees loomed overhead. I could not help but feel giddy and dizzy.

At that time my heartbeat raced and I wanted so much to turn back, but then the local boy and girl turned back and quietly snickered at me.

I took a deep breath to measure my pace, and then finally in the middle of the Skygazer trees on that corridor, I made one step, and then another…

Chinese man crossing a suspension bridge.As the plank under my two feet trembled and swayed, I walked forward.

Only after had I taken a few steps out into the sky corridor did I discover that it was suspended thirty meters above the ground, and the crowns of other trees were under my feet.

From this other point of view, I could really see this previously unseen scenery.

In the wink of an eye, I forgot my fear and dread. I felt as though I had seemingly dissolved into the most majestic, large, natural landscape. In order to look at even more beautiful scenery, I lifted up my legs and without fear marched forward.

When I reached the summit of the Skygazer trees, I couldn’t refrain from letting out a huge cry. Only the bravest souls have the right to reach out and touch heaven.

A wooden plank bridge suspended amongst the trees in Yunnan, China.Among the Skygazer trees the wind whistled past.

At the highest point of the sky corridor, underneath the crown of a Skygazer tree, the Hani local girl waited for me with a bunch of sweet flowers in her hands.

According to the rules of the rainforest, once one has traversed the sky corridor one has attained the same level as Skygazer tree hero, and thus receive fresh flowers from a Hani native.

I received the flowers and closed my eyes and took a deep sniff, and an unusually refreshing and sweet smell overwhelmed me.

A Chinese photographer smelling flowers.Flowers given to congratulate my success, ones with an unusually sweet and pungent smell.

After smelling this unusually sweet fragrance, I suddenly felt the sky spin and the ground beneath me give out.

The sunlight streamed though the dense layers of Skygazer foliage and scattered all across the top of me; it felt both warm and foreign.

In the middle of a trance, it seemed as though I heard a song drift in from a distant place, a song with the urgent beating of drums.

Afterwards, I fainted beside a Skygazer tree.

A Chinese man fainted next to a tree in a forest.I fainted next to the tree.

Heaven knows how long I was out for, but after what seemed a long time I stirred awake.

I opened my eyes and saw the sky had already turned dark, but through the darkness I saw that the inconceivable had somehow found a way to come true.

As I stood next to a Skygazer tree, I discovered that my hands, my face, in fact my entire skin had unexpectedly turned blue. Also, on my head was a long, thick, black braid that wasn’t there before.

What had happened? I could simply not believe my own eyes.

Chinese photographer wakes up as a Navi from Pandora.The inconceivable has happened!

If it wasn’t me that has gone insane, then it was the world that had gone insane.

I madly looked all around me and saw on a grassy bank near the Skygazer tree lay my cell phone; it’s signal was still strong.

This surely had to be a hallucination. I picked up the cellphone and wanted to verify if I was normal or not by calling someone.

Suddenly a blue arm reached out from behind the Skygazer tree and stole my cell phone.

A mobile phone on the forest floor.The cell phone was the same as before, but the world had already changed.

I raised my eyes and saw now a beautiful girl with skin color completely identical to mine. On her forehead she had a strange tattoo.

She stood beneath the Skygazer tree and directed a small giggle at me.

Who is she? Why does she also have this kind of blue skin?

I felt uncertain about this, but then I saw this mysterious girl open her red lips and softly say a word: “ALIANYA?”

Asian Navi girl.A mysterious girl in blue from head to toe appeared before my side.

I did not know what she was talking about; all I could do was nod my head.

The mysterious girl’s face immediately brightened up, and then brought together her lips to issue a shrill ear-piercing whistle.

In the blink of an eye, I heard several disturbing rustling noises scattered all around me. As my eyes following my ears, I saw two people who were likewise covered in blue skin, a man and a woman, coming out from behind an enormously tall Skygazer tree and stood right before me.

Who are they? I was completely confused. Why are all the people here blue?

Through all this vagueness, I suddenly had a bizarre feeling. I felt as though I had seen their faces before in those of the Hani local young boy and girl; they were one and the same.

Alianya, shanzhi Avatar.The Alianya tribe people ran towards me.

“ALIANYA?” the blue-skinned boy and girl asked using strange sounds to repeat the same three words the mysterious girl had said.

The mysterious girl nodded her head, and the boy eyed with with a strange look. He stood underneath the Skygazer tree, unceasingly changing his expression.

I could see that he was full of suspicion and would not easily trust me.

Alianya, inspired by Avatar.They stared at me, their expressions strange.

The young man suddenly pushed aside the mysterious girl and whisked out a crossbow that was hidden behind him. He raised it to a ready position cocked with a feather arrow and aimed it at me.

I only knew too well; all he had to do was to loosen the trigger and an arrow dipped in poison would be shot into my chest.

What does he want? All I am is an average rainforest seeking tourist, why is he so full of hostility towards me?

Underneath the shadow of the Skygazer crown of foliage, I had no possible escape!

A blue-skinned young boy holding a bow.These youngsters raised their crossbows and aimed them at me.

In the midst of having these youngsters vehemently aim their crossbows at me, the sky suddenly became full of seeds of pure white fluff that floated in. In front of me they spiraled and lingered upon my person, and little by little they settled upon my shoulders.

Such beautiful seeds! I couldn’t refrain from loudly calling out in wonderment!

As well, the faces of the blue-skinned youngsters exploded with joy. They put down their crossbows and unconsciously the hostility in their faces disappeared.

Strange seeds floating down from the sky.Bizarre seeds that dropped from the sky.

Once the mysterious girl saw the sky was full of floating bizarre seeds, she unexpectedly turned and madly ran off to the most distant part of the rain forest.

Her shadow disappeared underneath the enormously tall Skygazer trees.

Where did she go? Could it be that she is deliberately trying to escape me? I could not help but let loose a high cry.

Alianya, a Chinese Avatar story.Where am I? Who am I?

I turned one eye towards the blue-skinned youths and they revealed an understanding smile. Even though they have not yet said a word to me, I still felt as though they were encouraging me.

I lifted my head in the direction of the vanished mysterious girl, and once I collected myself, I lifted my my foot in the direction of the Skygazer trees and began to run wildly.

I must find her!

Running in the rain forest.Running wildly in the rain forest.

Underneath the Skygazer trees and amidst the brush, I caught another glimpse of the mysterious girl. She stood underneath a wide broad leaf of a rainforest plant and with the corners of her mouth raised, faced me and smiled.

She put a few grotesque wild fruit on a leaf as a makeshift serving tray and offered it to me.

Is this for me to eat? Are these fruits edible?

I remember someone once told me, deep in the old forests of mountains it is not necessary to eat wild fruits. If they are edible, then they can be given to squirrels to eat instead of us.

It seemed as though the girl could see my meaning, and threw an encouraging glance my way.

I gathered my courage and took a fruit and put it to my mouth. It was sour and yet had a sweet flavor to it, and I never thought it could taste so good.

Afterwards, I couldn’t help but reach out into the tree above and pick a fruit myself.

Chinese Na'vi.Once again we meet.

After I had eaten the fruit the pure white fluffy seeds came back. They spiraled around the two of us and landed on our shoulders.

The mysterious girl spread out her two hands widely focused her gaze on a white fluffy seed that landed in the middle of her palm.

What is it? While I was feeling uncertain, a sweet fragrant gust of wind came and blew the white seed off her palm and could be seen spiraling again in the air, slowly drifting down.

My, such exquisite beauty!

After a short while she raised her head and placed her bright red lips next to my ear and lightly whispered: “You really are Alianya”.

Alianya? What is Alianya? I have already heard this word twice.

Alianya, shanzhai Avatar promoting tourist location.The bizarre seeds once again fall down from the sky on me.

It seemed as though the mysterious girl could see my bewilderment. She picked up a seed and said to me, “Only a hero with a pure heart and soul would have the tree’s spirit seeds come spiral around them.”

Tree spirit? A hero with a pure soul?

Well, I once had bravely crossed the Skygazer tree corridor which was mounted up in the sky; by doing so that had already proved my bravery. And now these white seeds have drifted down; does this mean I have a pure soul?

The mysterious woman nodded her head, and again spoke softly into my ear, “Yes, you are Alianya, the people’s hero as bestowed by Heaven itself! We need you, we need your help!”

Alianya, shanzhai Avatar.Spiraling in the air.

Need my help? Need what help?

I had too many questions, and I eagerly awaited her answers.

She paused a bit, and when she spoke her tone suddenly became imposing: “The rubber tree forest is encroaching on our rain forest at this very moment, with each rubber tree that is planted a Skygazer tree comes crashing down; with each passing day the total area of the rain forest continues to diminish. To make a complete recovery, we must let the gestating spirit of the rain forest return to Mother Earth.”

Spirit of the rain forest? This was the first time I had heard this phrase.

The eyes of the mysterious girl suddenly met mine; she said, staring directly at me: “The rain forest is pregnant and expecting to deliver a god, and that god is the spirit of the rain forest!”

AlianyaOnly the “spirit of the rain forest” has the ability to save the people from plunging into an abyss of misery and suffering.

However, the greedy and avaricious people of the Earth have always coveted the spirit of the rain forest and have wanted to capture it.

Once they are able to capture the god-fetus inside the pregnant rain forest, these people will be able to dominate the rain forest. The ultimate fantasy of these people is to transform the rain forest into an paradise of rubber plant trees!

It seems as though some people have helped these evil people in already determining the exact location of the gestating god of the rain forest. Through scamming and exploitation they have made use of a bulldozer and are cutting down trees, and are closing in step by step towards the deepest part of the Skygazer trees.

The mysterious girl and her similarly blue-skinned companions are the spirited and plucky guardians of the rainforest, the following the same role as those before them had done previously and then passed down through the generations: to always protect the impregnated rain forest and the earth bank containing the unborn god.

They call themselves “Alianya”. In the words of these local people these three words mean “the forest with the trees”.

Chinese man standing in forest.Humanity’s greed threatens the “spirit of the rain forest”.

The Alianya protect the spirit of the rain forest, and I am their newest recruit.

In order to resist against foreign intruders, I need to learn each of the skills the Alianya use to survive in the rain forest.

The mysterious girl took out a bow and some arrows and gave them to me. She pouted her lips as if to say to me, “Do you know how to use this?”

Pffft! How hard can this be? Back in the city, my favorite hobby was throwing darts.

I took the bow and with indifference I pulled back the string; however, in doing so I neglected to put an arrow in it.

The girl suppressed a giggle; naturally, she wasn’t that type of person to ridicule or jeer at someone. However, I became so shy that I felt ashamed to show my face–Heaven knows if a blue face still allowed someone to blush and feel embarrassed. Why shouldn’t I be skilled at hitting my target?

I picked a few wild fruits to use as targets from a neighboring tree, and, calming my heartbeat and aiming, I summoned all my skill to throw a dart. It squarely hit the target across from us.

Bam! By lucky coincidence, upon impact the fruit shattered upon impact.

“Ha ha ha!” Out of the girl a cheerful sound came out out.

Chinese "Na'vi" in Alianya, a shanzhai version of Avatar.“Alianya” are always on guard, expecting…

As the daylight faded, the mysterious girl took me down to the blue, undulating waves of the Nanla River.

She let me stand on a bamboo raft on my own. And then after having untied the rope and unhitched the raft, she kicked it out with her foot.

In an instant, the surface of the bamboo raft became slick as the waves of the Nanla River beat against my craft.

I suddenly began to panic; to extended my hand into the Nanla River to pick up a withered old tree branch; I wanted to row the bamboo raft back to shore.

But with such a slender branch, can I really smoothly guide the raft back?

She stood at the riverbank laughing heartily, and yet she kept repeatedly flashing hand signals towards me almost as if to say: “I am able to do this under my own power, I can operate this bamboo raft by myself.”

Rely on my own strength, my own power? Don’t rely on the tree branch?

Peace would not come to my heart as I lifted up the the tree branch in my hand and watched attentively to the river water spilling onto the raft.

At that time to my mind came an incomparable stillness; I discovered that I could feel the raft and I slowly but surely become one.

Alianya.I need to learn each survival skill of the rain forest.

I tried out this idea to marshal the bamboo raft under my command, and bade it to turn left. And, in fact, it did; slowly and unhurriedly it began to shift, drifting lazily towards the left.

A-hah! I really could rely on my own power and smoothly operate the bamboo raft.

With the Nanla River flat as a mirror, I could see my own blue reflection in it.

I was happy like a madman, I wanted to let the mysterious girl know of my joy. But as I looked over to the riverbank, I could not see her footprints anymore.

After a long while she finally returned. She told me she had gone into the rain forest to rest a bit.

I asked her where she rested, and she pointed beside a banana tree.

Although I couldn’t see with my own eyes exactly on which banana leaf she rested, but I could still guess the circumstances at that time.

A Na'vi lying in the midst of the forest.The beautiful Alianya below the Skygazer trees.

On the raft I played so happily that I just about forgot everything else; seemingly both the raft and I became as one, and together we went sight-seeing on the Nanla River.

Na'vi on river.The hero on the Nanla River.

I was indescribably excited, and I could not refrain myself from yelling out a loud cry.

I need to let everyone hear my roar!

Shanzhai Na'vi in Alianya.Who am I? I am “Alianya”!

Unconsciously, I began to feel a hunger in my belly. I steered the bamboo raft towards the riverbank. There, the mysterious girl smiled a smile and hopped aboard the raft.

She extended her arms and inserted them into the clear river water. When she retracted them she held in her hands a fresh, fat wriggling fish.

She picked up some dry firewood and by rubbing two sticks together she eventually made a fire.

With her bare hands she roasted the live fish. Although no condiments or seasonings were used, the cooked flavor was enjoyable beyond description.

Alianya.Enjoying what the rain forest has bestowed upon us; sharing the jungle’s happiness

While we were sharing the immensely enjoying feast, suddenly a shrill howling came from the bowels of the rain forest.

The mysterious girl’s expression changed abruptly. She stood up and grabbed the mat-awning we were sitting under, and started scanning the rain forest, her eyes full of anxiety.

What had happened in the rain forest? I would not let myself get nervous.

The mysterious girl lightly jumped up and then with light and graceful steps began to run wildly into the rain forest.

The place she was headed towards was the same place the shrill howl came from.

I followed behind her, and I unexpectedly discovered that the speed of my running had somehow increased from the time before I had entered the rain forest.

On the other hand, it really wasn’t so strange since I had already become one of the Alianya.

Just as we entered the rain forest, we saw the Alianya youths waiting fretfully for us.

Chinese Na'vi in the dark forest.A howl breaks the stillness of the rain forest.

What happened? Was the shriek we just heard made by them?

The Alianya youth didn’t say a word, but just silently turned his head. He faced the deep, secluded part of the rain forest; his face revealed he was deeply concerned about something.

Immediately, the mysterious girl became nervous.

What were they nervous about? I couldn’t help feeling apprehensive.

“Follow us!” The mysterious girl lead me by the hand and again we went deep into the heart of the forest running wildly.

少年似乎暗示着什么。It was as though the youths were suggesting something.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

Without turning her head back to answer, the mysterious girl said: “We are going to the secret location of the spirit of the rain forest’s birthing place!”

Oh, the spirit of the rain forest; this time I was on the verge of meeting the mythical unborn spirit of the rain forest.

However, how can that screech be explained? Could it be that the greedy hunters have already intruded into the rain forest?

After passing through a portion of the rain forest crammed with plants, we stopped in our tracks on a slope in front of a Skygazer tree.

The mysterious girl pointed at the leaning Skygazer tree and said: “Follow me as I climb up to the crown of the tree; we are going to check out whether or not the tree is secure.”

She took the initiative in climbing up the Skygazer tree; I followed behind her, quick and lithely.

攀向圣树之巅Climbing up to the peak of the holy tree.

The mysterious girl’s shadow disappeared amidst the overgrowth of the Skygazer leaves, but I could yet still see a dark figure.

Suddenly my path became obstructed.

It was a figure dressed in black and he had a bald head; in his hand he aimed a crossbow at me, and on his face appeared a dark, fierce, sarcastic smile.

“Alianya, tell me: where is the spirit of the rain forest?” he coldly asked.

雨林之敌突然现身对峙In confronting the enemy of the rain forest he reveals himself.

Suddenly, an edgy shrill whistle came from somewhere above my head.

I lifted my head but all I could see was a blue figure skim by me from the sky.

It was the blue-skinned Alianya youth; he was holding onto a vine and was swinging over to the leaning Skygazer tree.

阿莲雅少年呼啸着,从天而至The Alianya youth coming from out of the sky, screaming.

Following with a scream, Alianya placidly dropped down beside me, and then with one hand pushed me aside.

I let him push me down the tree. As he lifted up his head, he coldly stared at the bald-headed man in the black clothes.

I know; he pushed me down the tree in order to save me from harm.

The bald-headed black suited thug unconsciously retreated backwards several steps in a row. The imposing manner of the youth had scared him somewhat.

逼退雨林之敌Forcibly push back the enemies of the rain forest.

The young man held up his crossbow and held it up to aim with a cold eye. In a stern voice, he shouted to the bald man to immediately get out of the rain forest and to stop coveting the treasure that lay within.

However, the Alianya people are kind and honest. The youth had made an oath; he would never use arrows dipped in poison and steal the lives of other people, even if it were evil people who were attempting to steal the spirit.

Faced with an arrow, the bald-headed black suited man couldn’t refrain from showing his fear. He timidly jumped off the tree trunk and buried his head in his hands as he ran away fleeing deep into the rain forest.

So it turned out that the evil person was lacking in self-confidence and when faced with righteousness could only choose to flee.

We couldn’t help but clap and celebrate our victory.

誓死守护者片雨林净土Sworn protectors to the death of the Pure Land of the rain forest.

The feather arrow went through his chest and ripped open a seam of blood in it like a flower in bloom.

It was as though his heart was not willing; he couldn’t believe the world would go so far as to be this sinister.


The youth collapsed slowly onto the leaning Skygazer tree trunk.

There; that is the place where birds reside in their nests; nests in which birds use their beaks to carry back wild grass for their nests, and drop seeds inside holes in tree trunks.

If he is still able to grant himself good fortune, then into which next form will the Alianya youth reincarnate?

My heart could not help but be sad and cold.

神蕨绽放The god fern in bloom.

The youth’s companion held his bleeding chest, and soundlessly sobbed.

Deep in my heart I silently told myself that this was necessary in order for the people of the rain forest to come and go on the circle of life, because there must be those that need to be reborn.

Afterwards, underneath the leaning Skygazer tree I picked up the fallen Alianya youth’s crossbow and was determined to get revenge.

However, the rain forest is vast and endless; where would I go to root out this evil bald-headed man clad in black?

逝去的人,总会重生Those who have died, will ultimately be reborn.

As I was in the midst of all this haziness, the mysterious girl made her way gingerly next to me.

In a low voice she whispered to me: “To confront these evil people who will try in vain to destroy our rain forest, why don’t we use the power of the rain forest to destroy them?”

The power of the rain forest?

It was as if I had a kind of enlightened feeling.

自然之神,终会觉醒The God of nature, will ultimately awaken.

In a soft voice the mysterious girl said into my ear, “Let all the creatures of the rain forest come and punish these bad people. Come still your heart, and with great detail listen respectfully to these many creatures’ calling. You are a person of a pure soul and heart, you can melt harmoniously together with them as one…”

According to her instructions, I calmed my heartbeat and spread out my two arms and silently using my soul I communicated with all the many creatures of the rain forest.

Truthfully, I could indeed hear each and every distant and dark call of the many creatures of the rain forest, every last cry and roar and whimper.

万物有灵.All things have souls.

A portion of strong aura lingered within me. I felt as though I was floating in the air, and my whole body felt warm and foreign.

It seemed as though I knew what I had to do, thereupon I closed my eyes and concentrated. I silently prayed in my heart:

“All the creatures in the rain forest: you are to go punish these disgraceful wreckers!”

冥冥中有一种力量正在结集Somewhere, a kind of power was gathering.

The mysterious girl grasped my hand, and together we ran off together towards the secluded part of the jungle.

Beside a small creek, we saw that bald-headed man struggling in pain. It wasn’t clear how but he had somehow gotten rolled up in a banana leaf. We could see he was packed in there tightly and that he was slowly being constricted.

The top of the bald man’s head was oozing sweat and his expression was very pained, but I nevertheless felt I was unable to express my joy.

The bald-headed man fell to the ground and the banana leaf plant immediately went limp. As if it possessed life and moved around like this normally, the banana leaf again wrapped itself around his head.

On the mysterious girl face was written an expression of nervousness, just like before. What was she nervous about? Of course, she was concerned about the pregnant rain forest and the unborn spirit of the rain forest and whether or not it was still safe and unharmed.

他们终旧自食恶果They always get their comeuppance in the end.

She led me by the hand again to return back to the leaning Skygazer tree.

Following the trunk of the tree, we went right to the end. And then there, with our eyes dancing about we were suddenly enlightened.

Right in front of us there emerged a gigantic Skygazer tree, both perfectly straight and enormously tall.

I looked up but could only see the ends of the tree branches, all floating in a halo of light.

Within the halo we could just see the form of a maiden with a coiled figure; her two hands were clasped about her knees, and she was in a deep slumber.

This was the spirit of the rain forest!

The mysterious girl told me in a sincere tone that within the egg of the spirit of the rain forest this unborn spirit was its god and protector.

The pregnancy of the spirit of the rain forest requires a period of a thousand years until it can finally break the shell of its egg and hatch. Just recently, these couple of days have been the final portion of the pregnancy.

Once she hatches and emerges, the world and all its creatures will heal and recover.

The Alianya people have served as the quick and plucky protectors of the egg; each generation they have stood on guard nearby and prevented any evil doers to come close.

As the spirit of the rain forest has been gestating within the egg, it could only be pregnant in the closest spot possible.

But because the environment has deteriorated, the plucky egg has continually relied on the spirit of he rain forest and its idea to relocate; so a few years back it has come to the Xishuangbanna tropical rain forest.

But, a million years have come and the clever spirit hunters have come, greedy for the spirit of the rain forest.

The evil people have started up their bulldozer and have gradually been encroaching upon the original rain forest.

The Alianya have been searching for a hero with a pure heart, and they see that person in me. Letting me traverse the sky corridor was their way of testing my courage.

When I had fainted they had transformed me into an Alianya and taught me all the skills required to survive in the rain forest.

And right now they need me to squeeze out a drop of blood from my fingertip and sprinkle it upon the plucky egg.

According to her instructions, I made a slit upon my hand.

A drop of fresh blood dripped upon the plucky egg.

And then something magical appeared before my eyes…

望天树上的“雨林之魂” The spirit of the rain forest atop the Skygazer tree.

I had no way to describe it; at that moment all the words of the human language had their use forfeited in light of this phenomenon.

Right in front of my eyes was a lithe and graceful dancing spirit clad in white. She unhurriedly brandished her pure white wings.

She pursed her red lips to speak, and although the sound was low and delicate and she spoke a language I had never heard before, I nevertheless was still able to understand her without any problem.

轮回千年,重生大地 Every thousand years, the land is reborn.

She told us that if the shell of the spirit of the rain forest had been broken then all the creatures of the world would not recover completely.

All the people of the world need to alter their own notions and thoughts.

Wherever we lived we would ask for more; to that, it would retaliate all the more.

Although within these one thousand years the spirit of the rain forest had been inside the clever egg gestating, she still always had been paying close attention to the Earth.

Drought, mining disasters, earthquake, tsunamis, volcanic ash covering the sky and blocking out the sun, the hole in the ozone layer getting larger, global warming…

Whether or not the environment recovers or deteriorates all depends upon the hatching of the spirit of the rain forest; from a distance it is not enough.

We all need to let the “spirit of the rain forest” inside every person’s heart to awake and become aware!

雨林之魂环视众生The spirit of the rain forest looks around her and sees every living creature.

I don’t know when but only then did I realize that the mysterious Alianya girl had already vanished without a trace.

And when the spirit of the rain forest came out, I unexpectedly felt that her features when compared with the mysterious girl were exactly one and the same.

What was this? Could it be that while the spirit of the rain forest was gestating her spirit had already overflowed out of the egg and from dark and obscure depths had been guiding me all along?

朱唇轻启,开启天机Her red lips pursed and would open up the mysteries of nature.

The spirit drew her wings together and faced me. After a small laugh, she quiet watched me attentively.

Under her gaze, I seemed to understand something.

Oh, I know now, I too am one of people of the world.

And I need to wake up.

Here in the rain forest I had this chance encounter with the Alianya people. With my own two eyes I have witnessed the marvel of the birth of the spirit of the rain forest, and from her own mouth have heard about the mysteries of nature.

However, not every person on Earth can get the kind of opportunity I have gotten.

The spirit of the rain forest definitely wants to express through my own words to let the “spirit of the rain forest” in everyone’s heart to awaken and become aware.

I know what I have to do now.

Once I get back to normal civilization, I must not spare any effort in publicizing this message and protect the last of the rain forest.

只有每个人都觉醒Only when every person wakes up…

重新寻回对万物的爱与勇气…and finds their their love and courage towards all of creation…

“If there is no rain forest, then there is no water. If there is no water, then there are no crops. If there are no crops, then there would be no humanity.”

The spirit of the rain forest spoke slowly.

But although these were obviously simple words, my hearing them was like achieving enlightenment.

I couldn’t help but hop atop the leaning Skygazer tree and give a shout.

But in that instant, I suddenly felt my body tremble. Then, I fell down from the tree trunk and landed in some some underbrush and then just like before, I fainted…

世界才能重生Can the world be reborn.

I slowly stirred awake and I discovered I was cold right to the bone. In the air I heard the sound of someone singing a song. Opening my eyes, I discovered I was lying in an open public square of some sort. I was surrounded by many villagers who were singing and dancing as they made their way towards me.

So, isn’t this the public square next to that pier when I first came here?

我醒了I’ve awakened.

I was in the rain forest and I saw both the Alianya people as well as the spirit of the rain forest. Could it be that it was just a long and strange dream?

But why was this dream so real and life-life?

这是梦吗? Is this a dream?

Seeing that I had regained consciousness, the singing and dancing girls and boys crowded around me. I could hear that they were singing a song praying for rain to fall on their village.

“If there is no rain forest, there is no water. If there is no water, there are no crops. If there are no crops, then there would be no humanity.”

Aren’t these the same words the spirit of the rain forest said to me underneath the Skygazer tree?

I couldn’t help but feel unsure about something.

Already, I had no way to distinguish between reality and a dream.

还是现实?Or is this reality?

My body suddently started to shake for I saw standing in the middle of the beautiful girls someone I had just seen back in the rain forest; wasn’t that the “spirit of the rain forest”?

I wanted to stand up, but my two feet still lacked strength. I simply did not have the ability to move.

That beautiful girl could not help but smile.

Yes, I am confident; she is the mysterious girl of the Alianya people. Also, she is the “spirit of the rain forest,” just like in my dream!


What is this? A tribal emblem?

她是“阿莲雅”? Is she “Alianya”?

I suddenly discovered something right underneath my foot. Lowering my head, I saw that it was some kind of strange symbol.

I seem to remember the “Alianya” people wearing this exact symbol as a tattoo upon their foreheads.

Oh, I understand now; in fact, it was all not a dream.

图腾?A totem?

Once I raised my head again, I saw the public square had become lonely and barren.

The beautiful girl could not be seen anymore, as well as all the singing and dancing people; it was just as though they had never appeared.

Again, I couldn’t tell the difference between fact and fiction.

I really wanted to let myself encounter it again so I could tell my friends back in the city.

From the ground I picked up the cell phone; when I flipped open the top, I could see on the screen inside two blue fingerprints.

Oh, I remember now; back in the rain forest when I discovered I had turned into Alianya, I had picked up the cell phone that was lying on the ground, still as before; then the mysterious girl had extended her arm and snatched it, running away.

Could it be that these two fingerprints were left by her?

No, this wasn’t a dream, these two fingerprints could prove everything.

这是场梦吗?? Was this a dream??

However, unbeknownst to me, while I was staring at the fingerprints on the cell phone, from far away somebody was staring at me…

不,也许只是开始! No, maybe it has just begun!

Thank you everybody for your continuing to pay close attention to this story. This story is completely devoted to all of you, and after this there will be shown a short video. We are intensifying our efforts to complete it. At that time everybody can see an even more complete story. Thank you everybody for your support!

Alianya end.

At the pace of every two seconds in the tropical rainforest the equivalent of a soccer field disappears, and according to this rate within ten years all the rainforest on the planet will completely disappear…

And in China, unusual climate is also closely connected to the loss of forest vegetation …Do we continue sleeping, or do we wake up? Do we let things end? Or do we start something…?

End of story.

Oh yeah, also need to publicize our photography/film crew a bit, hehe…

Alianya credits.

This story and the images were posted part by part over one week between May 6 and May 13. Here are some “behind the scenes” photos that the poster included in between updates and after the completion of the story:

Alianya behind the scenes.

Alianya behind the scenes.

Alianya behind the scenes.

Alianya behind the scenes.

Alianya behind the scenes.

Comments from Tianya:




Talented, talented, truly talented. For you that is without peer, I prostrate myself at your feet.


Was Avatar really filmed at Xishuangbanna? If true, then we Xishuangbanna people are truly proud!!! Ding this up!!~~!


Didn’t you say there was also video?


Shanzhai, shanzhai! But still pretty impressive!


Lou zhu is truly talented, you did well!


I only want to know, was that naked girl really naked? [x12]


Really you have so much talent, ding ding ding!


Very NB.

The broad ain’t bad.


The main actresses tits are really big!


The lead actress seems to have exposed [her private parts], having a nosebleed [referring to self] …


In “Avatar”, they only have four fingers


Talented, the photography/filming and the make-up are both very professional.


How was that blue skin achieved?
Make-up or PS??
Requesting an answer!


The lead actress’s body is too amazing…Her’s is the kind of figure that definitely should be shared with others!!


I hate those small glowing things.

One of the funniest comments at the top of the comments section that I saw was…

Great, now I can have a fake version of Avatar to play in my fake playstation 2 while talking on my fake iphone and using my fake macbook pro. Life in China gets better by the minute.

Man, people come up with priceless stuff! 😀 This is brilliance.

Cherrie’s Little Project

Posted for Cherrie

A little project

Posted by Cherrie in Uni. Leave a Comment

Hi everyone! I need your help! The video below is something my classmates and I did for a class project. We need all the view counts we can get, so help us spread the video to all your friends, friend’s friends, family, family’s friends, extended families… you get the drift.

I’ll be eternally grateful! You can also watch it every day hahaha. xD

It’s our very first time doing a video like this so please support and be nice kay? :) It’ll only take less than 2 minutes of your time!

Again, a million thanks if you would spread the video to everyone you know! :D

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