What do you do when your girlfriend still doesn’t love you as much as she should and you can’t seem to do anything to change it? You try to kill yourself…
A bit far from my wrist eh, lol, obviously a very shitty suicide attempt 😛 I just can’t bear to think about how much love hurts, so I decided life is easier “lived” when you’re dead, all for the sake of bebe….. (or actually) it was because I was bitten by my friend’s dog.. AGAIN. That stupid dog is starting to piss me off, I’m going to shoot it or poison it – making sure that it’s a slow and painful death. I don’t know what the hell that dog’s problem is with me, I’d definitely call myself an “animal-friendly” and “animal-compatible” person, but this dog just has it out for me. I’d make sure I use low-velocity bullets so that the dog feels every second of the pain when the bullet drives through its skin and lodges itself in an organ. -_-” or… make sure it is a very slow acting poison…
But anyways, today my girls and I went out to Niagara-on-the-Lake and then later on, Niagara Falls. It was a great day up to late evening, there was no signs of rain which was first predicted, but the air was still chilly but reasonable to walk around. After all, many people were eating ice cream, lol. We all took some pictures, walked around for about 3 hours and decided to head onto Niagara Falls. Although the clouds loomed overhead like it was going to rain any moment, it sure as hell held up until well into the evening – lucky us! We had originally planned to eat at NotL, but turns out the place we were planning to go to wasn’t operating at-capacity during the slow-seasons, so we opted to “go back to the city” to see what we could find.
We took the small roads all the way to Niagara Falls and we passed by the Great Wolf Lodge and one of the girls mentioned this would be a great place for bebe and I to hit during the summer. Knowing bebe and I, I figured this wouldn’t be a place that’d interest us a lot, it’s more for the “family with kids” thing (so until we have them…) – so we’d probably opt for the more traditional hotel with recreation and just a “couples night” together – the Great Wolf Lodge wouldn’t really offer activities that would make the stay worth while. I did see the new Oakes Hotel there and because I know I get a great deal offering through work, it’d be great to get an overlooking view of the falls along with 2 Queen-sized beds. As much as I’d like for bebe and I to be able to snuggle up in a single bed before, just her accepting to spend time overnight together in the same room would make me happy enough. It’s amazing how when we love someone, we’re willing to change our expectations to what we want eh? haha. There’s a thing we can’t live without in our place-of-stay though… and that’s wireless internet access 😆
We ended up eating at Shoeless Joe’s and it was a great experience for all of us. I treated them all and the bill came to short of $100 for 5 people, not bad at all. The portions were massive and we got this “appetizer” which really wasn’t an appetizer… it was a friggin meal in itself! They were all really happy, so they decided to treat me to a bar. Funny because they like treating me to those places, knowing that I don’t drink 😛 My girls are so funny and like to tease me all the time, so treating me to the bar is like getting a get-out-of-jail free card, haha. That’s like taking a vegetarian to an all-you-can-eat meat buffet 😆
So I was sitting around and while they were having alcoholic drinks, I just had some sparkling-type stuff… I also was driving, which meant either way, alcohol was off-limits for me. Although I know that I can still drink up to the legal limits, I just prefer not to have any alcohol in me if I’m driving and responsible for that many lives. If I want to drink, I’d ensure someone else who wasn’t drinking was available to drive or drink somewhere “safe” like in my own home or home of a friend where I can spend the night if I feel I’m not in the capacity to drive.
So naturally, some girls came by to ask me if I’d buy a drink for them or if I was “interested in talking”… but I wasn’t exactly in the flirty mood or feel like I want to consider other women anyways, so I told them, “Sorry no” and that “I’m already taken” – did not plan on going to the bar for potential dates, lol, I was there with my girls because they didn’t want to go home too early. My girls teased me about being so loyal to bebe that I wouldn’t even take a glance at other women – but they all know me well enough that my loyalty to my girlfriend is unwavering… stick a nude chick in front of me and I’d still be like, “Meh.”
So as I’m writing this message, I pretty much got “told” by bebe that she’s uproot locally and moving out to Mississauga. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but that’s also not my decision. Perhaps the shittiest part of it all was that we didn’t exactly spend too much time discussing it, she doesn’t treat me like a boyfriend and kind of “talk it over” about the specifics of how we’re going to see each other and stuff like that. I know we’re not official, but we are still good boy-girlfriend. I’m not saying we’ve never “made mention” of this happening, just wish there was a bit more formality over it… just seemed like she’s “made the decision and that’s that”… I mean, most couples “discuss” things with each other and try to get to common-ground on things… I suppose that’s where her independence-dominance takes over. It’s starting to get to that point where her “attachment” to her friends scare me… wish I could make them disappear, but then bebe would also have less of a reason to stay in Canada. Equally said, she’d point out “we’re not a couple” so she has no need to “ask” me…
Suffice to say, I’m glad at least I have some contacts out in Mississauga and more importantly, my friend who runs his private investigator business has his office there, so if I ever need to keep an eye on her, at least I have someone to refer to. In fact, I actually had fewer people I know here who would help out than there. It’s not so much I want to know what she’s up to constantly, but at least I have it as an option for me, particularly when she’s so far away from me locally here. I hate the idea of having to do something like this, but when I look at how dubious it is that she would not rather stay in the same city as her (potential) boyfriend or consider perhaps working/half-staying here makes me feel a bit weird. Notably, she’s mentioned she can’t quite feel that “want to sacrifice” for me and ok, sure, I doubt she’d actually reconsider where to live on my behalf, but at least let’s consider the implications of us having 50km between us. I know I can handle keeping this relationship alive and I’m not going to let it go just because she’s moved outside of town (at least we’re in the same COUNTRY and PROVINCE) but I almost feel displaced with this decision, quite shocking to me despite her having ‘talked’ about it. I suppose we’re not the only “budding couple” who don’t live super-close and I know many of my friends have had their partners hours away from home and it still works – and even my boss, who relocated far-away-from-work for his wife, so I suppose I have to bite my tongue and make it happen despite me wanting to stay here, close to work. I suppose another thing is if we do end up living together and being married, we could compromise on choosing a “middle point” and since I don’t think she’d actually consider where she’s going to move to as being permanent.
I still flop between how I feel about the “power” and “control” her friends have over her… and I actually don’t think it’s “their fault” – it’s bebe who CHOOSES to be close to them and attached to them (rather than me, wtf). On the same note, it may very well actually be bebe’s friends who are MY saving-grace as to why she’s still considering Canada as a “home”… maybe without them, bebe would not have felt I was a strong enough reason for her to stay… I have to remind myself these are bebe’s decisions, not her friends and they should not get tied up in my displeasure of how her live revolves around them and not me. I wonder if I should be getting some private investigation on her friends rather than on bebe, lol, figure out some way where they can’t constantly consume bebe in their lives… or just wait for natural attrition where her friends begin to get married and have a more regular lifestyle that they can’t constantly be entertaining bebe’s visits. Sigh, I can’t decide whether this is being greedy or whether this is a natural reaction to feel jealous of the time and COMMITMENT she has for them…. use that same commitment on me and we’d easily be “official” boyfriend/girlfriend now 🙄
I’m going to go with what my friend Amy said though… I need to spot this from a more positive standpoint. At least bebe’s in Canada and (assuming) a portion of that is attributed to her wanting to “make this relationship work.” Bebe’s closer to her friends, which means satisfaction in staying here. Her seeing her friends more, means she will appreciate seeing me more now that she can see them so often… or “split time” between us reasonably. I go out to Mississauga quite a bit and I can bear it for the most part. When she gets her own place, we’ll have a “place to ourselves.” When the relationship is more steady, I could have a place to sleep until the next morning and go to work – the drive in the “other direction” is a lot better even during rush-hour. More time being out there might mean I get a chance to “integrate” with her friends more. I have more friends/business-partners out there who can help me keep an eye on bebe if need-be. I’d really only consider that if I suspected anything, maybe give those guys who want to steal her away from me a “warning” that ‘accidents’ might happen to them. Mississauga IS a nice city and I admit, I love bebe enough to move out there if she really wouldn’t budge and move somewhere closer to my work like Oakville/Burlington. The place she’d be living at would still be “for now” and she hasn’t said for sure she’s staying there FOREVER. She’d be able to join my family-friends out more often since on the weekends we go out to Mississauga to see our group/grocery shop. I mean there ARE a host of reasons, including her own reasons of liking that area, close-to-friends, reasonable commute, etc. I just felt really bad about not being “considered” when she made that decision to go there… what about me then?
Beyond all of my displeasure, there’s nothing I can do (well nothing reasonably… I could find other things really cruel to do to force her to stay here, but that’s just not RIGHT) and have to look “on the bright side” of things. At least traffic is in my favour from the direction I’m traveling from and there’s definitely much more to do on dates for us out there than where I live. The only thing that makes me feel sad about this is not actually her not being local, because I could probably still be ok with driving out there for regular dates 2-3 days a week, but rather, the way she “conveyed” it to me and kind of didn’t bother thinking about how I’d feel or make a statement that she still feels the relationship is important despite moving away. If I had a reassurance from her that she’s still very much confident in our relationship, then this move would be no big deal!
Here’s something cute ^__^ Just like bebe n’ I…