Blog Archives

More Dangerous Than Drunk Driving

Yes, lack of attentiveness due to sleepiness or concentration is the same/worse than drunk-driving. Driving Under the Influence usually lowers reaction time of the driver and thus, making a driver more prone to mistakes while operating a vehicle. Likewise, being sleepy or not concentrating on the task at hand i.e, driving – one is also equally or if not at greater risk than someone who is affected by drugs/alcohol. It isn’t like I “didn’t know this” or this was some stark revelation, but is also the first time I’ve ever felt affected by it.

As my previous blog entry stated, I’m in bad shape today because of something that has affected my mood and sleeping ability for the past night. Although I slept last night, it was not the usual great slumber I get and even towards the morning, I woke up every 10-15 minutes. I’m one of those people that under normal circumstances, once my head hits the pillow I’m out cold and don’t wake up until the moment my alarm clock rings. There have been plenty of times I have stayed up late but have not suffered from the same consequences, so it isn’t a matter of just that I did not sleep at regular hours or get enough time, since in all reality, I still got 7 hours which is a relatively healthy amount of rest per day. Nevertheless, with my mind and heart unsettled, it is hard for me to actually absorb the sleep and allow my body to be at full potential in the morning.

I knew I was tired since the morning, having driven to a client’s house and on the way back I noticed myself yawning, but surely, the bright sun outside allowed me to stay awake. I acknowledged that I was tired, but I just didn’t expect I was as drained as I thought. Because I consider myself a fairly conscientious driver, I’ve always avoided driving when I know I’m not “fit” for it, particularly if I’m in a bad mood or can’t concentrate properly – because driving is a privilege and it’s necessary to respect not only your own life, but the life of others on the road as your actions may have devastating consequences. Today, unlike the usual me, I ignored my body’s need to rest and recover from anxiety and over-thinking. My heart has been out-of-whack today, digestive system in an unknown state and concentration is like me staring out into space. It’s kind of like a drunk driver, ‘knowing’ that he/she is drunk, yet believing that they are still in the condition to drive. (Not that I have ever been drunk and driven before, so these are just assumptions of their perception)

On the way out to Scarborough after picking up my mom at home, there was a major traffic jam which lead to a lot of people hard-braking to prevent collision. I managed to stop last-minute, narrowly avoiding slamming into the vehicle in front of me. I’m one of those drivers who “look far ahead” and I consider myself pretty good at predicting my speeds to prevent the need for gassing quickly/braking hard. When my car stopped just maybe a car length away from the vehicle in front of me, my mom questioned me as to why it took me so long, because she’s used to me being able to stop ‘comfortably’ without slamming on the brakes. She could tell I was not fully concentrating and began to worry. I too began to worry, since we were already half-way there and neither turning back or proceeding ahead would have made much difference. We arrived safely at our relatives house nevertheless, with much blessings received.

On the way back, another completely visible slow-down ahead and I could barely react. There’s just too much on my mind or perhaps, it was maybe because my mind was empty, empty of the fact that I’m even driving to begin with. Again, I stopped the car with a hard-brake, but also had to keep a close eye on the vehicle behind me whether they could stop in time or I had to react-otherwise just to prevent someone who could not stop in time behind me. We arrived safely at home, but my mom could tell that today was definitely not a day where I should have been driving and in fact, she yelled at me for being so inattentive today, despite my normal tendency to be a very cautious and by-the-books driver.

As the car was coming to a stop, I kind of felt glorified in just not holding down the brakes and just letting it ride. Perhaps on-impact I would just fly through the windshield, end up in opposite traffic and get run over, a quick and preferably painless death. However, I could not be selfish, my mom was in the car with me and it is no desire of hers to die. Sometimes I can be quite morbid in the way I think whether I feel like life is not worth living and yes, when it comes to a life where bebe’s love for me is in question, I do think whether or not my existence will bring me happiness. Interestingly, I’m afraid of dying, I’ve had horrible dreams about dying and that death is something I wish I could forever avoid. While we do know that is not possible, why is it now that I actually feel it is RELIEVING to do so? I think of a life, without bebe, how could I possibly do without her? Why is it that despite so much pain I’m causing her, I insist that she continues to try? I do believe love does conquer all and that the pain she suffers now from forcing herself to be with me, will pay off and that she will feel that all she put into making this relationship work, was worth it. I know that “in the moment” – we can both think that this is nuts we would even push ourselves to a future that we cannot yet see or believe-fully in, however, we should also both know that there is an infinite amount of satisfaction to accomplishing this, even if what we feel now is suffering, confusion, stress, anger, annoyance, dissatisfaction and self-blame. Love has proven from centuries to centuries, that it is the one sole thing in this world that if anything, is capable of invoking the greatest changes that a person could ever think they would be capable of enduring.

It’s hard to persuade someone that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Tell a person who’s dying of cancer that there “it is possible that you will beat it!” and it’s the same thing for me to tell bebe that this relationship will work out as long as we believe in it. A person’s belief that something good will come out of an immediate and horribly poor situation will give them the power to push through. Each time I falter or each time bebe questions me as to where this is headed and where I feel it may truly be heading nowhere, I also deep down believe in our fate together forever and thus, giving me the power to face adversity. There were things that I once thought whether I would actually do for bebe and as I grow to love her more each day, I realize that there is little extent I would not go to help this relationship grow and flourish.

I know that it was my fault for triggering the onset of events that caused bebe to be less-than-happy with me and that the stress got to her. The day was going fine until I tried to over-extend it and push her comfort level, nevertheless, I still think despite both of us trying to keep our heads above the water and concentrate on all good that will come from this, we also don’t dismiss the reality that failure is a possibility. However, it is with our hopes and determination which will bring us along the way. When something goes wrong in the relationship, rather than blaming ourselves for our shortcomings, we should see it as an extra hurdle and challenge to reach the other side of happiness.

Let’s leave off the night with:

Where there is hope, there is life. Because, when someone loses hope in life, it (life) has no meaning left for him/her. With hope, one can live and aspire to have good things in life. So, one should never lose hope and enjoy the beautiful gift of life in the best possible way ! – Ravi

In order for me to continue making the best out of my life and to make it have meaning, I will continue to hope and seek happiness for the girl of my dreams, my bebe and that I can aspire to be a better person, whom someone she can love and be at-ease with. Whether that is in a month, a year or 10 years from now, I will not look back and feel my effort has been wasted, despite the outcome, because whether we pass or fail with each other, at least the time I spent doing it was something that gave me hope, happiness and the meaning of life.

The First Few Hours of the Day, Will It Get Better?

So today I had to wake up early because I had to squeeze some client-work in in the morning. I enjoy my job, because it allows me to earn some extra money just to help with filling-the-wallet. Also, because I have interest and passion in my line of work, it makes it a lot easier than those who struggle and hate what they do everyday. However, despite the bright and hot weather today, I feel “under the weather” – literally.

When I woke up, I’m a person who’s usually hungry and just waiting to chomp down on breakfast. While I did have a large dinner last night, there was plenty of time for it to digest (as I didn’t sleep until 3) and it had already been.. umm “removed” from my digestive system before I went to bed anyways. Nevertheless, waking up this morning, I had that bloated, don’t-feel-like-eating feeling again and apparently that’s what happens I feel anxiety and stress.  I feel short-of-breath and no matter how much oxygen I fill in my lungs, it doesn’t feel enough. Coincidentally, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I don’t even feel inclined to go, because the easiest thing for me to do right now is just to die.

I was on a time-crunch in the morning today because once I finish typing this short entry, I’m heading out to Scarborough with my mom. The past 3 days have been wonderful for the most part, I had enjoyed 2 wonderful days with  bebe and I had felt ever-so-close to her, despite her daily struggles with me. Call me crazy, call me in love and no matter how much she doesn’t love me yet, I truly do love her and while her feelings withstanding are valid and questioning whether we will truly work out, there’s nothing that will stop me from giving my all to win her over. When the relationship first started, I was still adamant about rooting her here and as time progressed and I realized I loved her even more than before, all of a sudden I thought to myself if she really went back home to Malaysia, I will still relocate myself to there just to be with her… it’s amazing how love can make us feel and even change us from something we would dare not have thought possible before.

Before I headed out to the client’s this morning, I puked for no apparent reason… It wasn’t the food I ate last night as it wasn’t one of those “food poisoning” type of pukes… it was an empty puke, just a sick-to-my-stomach from worry type. I felt dehydrated after that, so downed some water. I jetted out the door since I needed to make sure I was on-time. When I came home, I nearly puked again and spent a few minutes hunched over the toilet. Again, heart racing, mind’s confused and I’m constantly questioning why humans were given feelings and life… it would be so much easier to have never existed, I would not be feeling this today. My stomach is clearly empty, yet feels full and right now I’m scooping away at some broth my mom made and as well as ONE egg. My body isn’t accepting the food and I almost feel like I’m wasting whatever I’m eating because unlike my usual-self, I “enjoy” the process of eating. Eating makes me happy, especially good food – yet, not this morning.

I don’t know if I’m actually sick, shouldn’t be, because I know my body well enough to know it’s not ‘outer’ sickness. It’s just that not-so-great feeling today, yet, the past 2 days I’ve had with bebe has made me smile and cherish every moment I have with her and I will continue to cherish these days unconditionally. We have ups and downs, just like any other couple, we fall in and out of our emotions and we both are rational enough to question where this relationship is headed, both positively and negatively. We are interestingly like many other couples and at the same time, not like other couples. We are not like other couples, because there isn’t an immediate positive-feeling of attraction and we don’t do the same things other couples do, at the same time, we’re very much like them because so many people I know have gone through the feelings of hating the guts and never imagining they could be with X-person, to loving X-person for the rest of their lives. One would say I live in a world of fantasy, but that is not the case, I am in-touch with reality and also have SEEN reality time-and-time again prove that love can truly touch someone, no matter what they feel at-the-moment.

Now I need to head out, still not feeling better but at least I’ll try to survive the day. However, not being able to breath properly and not ingest food probably won’t help very much. When I see bebe on Thursday again, I will feel better 🙂

——–

4:15PM… day has only gotten better because I had a chance to get my mind off missing bebe and worrying about her. Helped an uncle correct some problems he had with his computer, but throughout the past 4 hours and even while driving (super dangerous I should add), I kept on yawning and my eyes are trying to close on their own. Right now, I’m still yawning in 15 minute intervals because I feel drained. This feels like a mental drain on me and I’m sure that trying to upkeep such a difficult relationship is the same for bebe. I don’t ever doubt that both of us suffer as a result of trying to make this work, just that the difference is I feel the need to make the relationship work because this is WORTH IT. When I see bebe struggle, it hurts me just as much, but it’s because I feel so committed to this relationship I’m willing to go to any extent, which includes suffering for the both of us. In the end, I wonder what will happen between us, but what’s important I learned from my favourite ex that rather than thinking so far down the road, just think about 1-2 years now, if that, because we don’t really know what will happen in all the time in between and that to just be happy now is integral to our well-being. Whether bebe ever likes me is still in question, but what’s not in question is what I’m willing to do to win her over, despite how painful it may get for either of us. I love her… Going to take a nap on the sofa until we go out for dinner, but I’m completely drained and I’m considering taking a day off for tomorrow, particularly with a doctor’s appointment which I really don’t care too much about going to now. What good is my health if I can’t use my life to love and take care of bebe for the rest of my life?

Canada: Possible Entry of Stayfree Thermocontrol Pads

So on Wednesday of last week, I was really running low on supplies to experiment with, so I decided to grab the “best” deal I could find at the time. I’m not even going to mention the price, because it’s pretty outrageous, but alas, it was better than getting no deal at all. Of course just to mock me even more, SDM had a 3-day sale (in which I ended up buying another pack) over the weekend JUST after I bought them during the weekday at the less-than-admirable price.

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Front)

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Front)

Although I was not very happy with the price, I did notice something unusual about the pack of pads I picked up. There was something… different about it, I could feel it when I picked it up. All of a sudden, I noticed that the pads were reduced to FOURTEEN (14) pads per pack rather than the usual SIXTEEN (16). I looked closer and although the general shape and design of the packaging stayed the same, after a moment, the difference surfaced (now you know how well I know my pads/tampons & packaging, even 2 less pads in a pack and I can feel it, lol). If you haven’t noticed by now what’s different (I suppose only the Canadians would notice), it is that they have now upgraded to the Thermo Control technology!!!

A while ago, I had emailed Johnson & Johnson regarding when they had plans to bring the new Thermo Control pads to Canada in which they replied that they did not have any set date. Although looking around on the shelves, it seems like that the Thermo Control pads by Stayfree aren’t exactly arriving “full force” yet on the shelves, just seeing a shipment to a single Rexall store already means that it’s entering the market. Many other places might not have noticeable Thermo Control pads yet since they may still be bringing in pre-ordered stock or whatever they still have left in the warehouses. Hopefully being able to get this pack of Thermo Control in Canada is an indicator that the full fledgling of Stayfree Thermo Control pads will hit Canada soon, just as how they slowly introduced the Always Extra Heavy Overnight pads very slowly.

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Top)

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Top)

In general, the “features” and “highlights” of the pad and packaging hasn’t changed, however, with the introduction of the Thermo Control technology from Stayfree, it now boasts some key points. I’m sure if they bring the full line of Thermo Control pads to Canada, bebe will also be very happy as well 🙂

The Thermo Control logo is encircled by the 3 objectives: Dry, Cool & Comfortable – along with the description that, “[Thermocontrol is] inspired by high performance athletic fabrics.” I have also mentioned that I found the amount of scenting on the Thermo Control pads are much less than the regular line of Stayfree – a thing I complained a lot about. While having looked at Stayfree Canada’s site once again, it still does not appear to be bringing in the Thermo Control lines in full yet, so maybe it’s just luck I managed to get a pack of this or maybe it really is a hint! The Canadian Stayfree site is still currently listing all the original packaging and does not advertise anything about the existence/implementation of the Thermo Control pads.

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Side)

Stayfree Overnight Ultra Thin w/ Thermocontrol (Side)

After the purchase, I immediately decided to test them and sure enough, they didn’t prove disappointing at all. The Thermo Control technology really did make the top-layer more comfortable (although unusually cool), but when it came to the overall absorbency and other properties of the pad, there didn’t seem to be much difference. Also, all the newer Overnight Ultra Thins now have a set of rear-wings as well, so you can easily tell whether you purchased old stock or new stock.

Anyways, although the price was quite expensive, I’m glad I “stumbled” to this particular Rexall that started stocking the Thermo Control pads and for this discovery. Had I purchased anywhere else, I wouldn’t have found this out since several of the stores I went to afterward still had the traditional Stayfree line up and not of the new Thermo Control. Luckily I snagged another (the LAST) bag of Stayfree Maxi Long Supers at Shoppers Drug Mart on Saturday afternoon, so it did kind of make-up for overpaying beforehand.

Looks like all we can do is hope that they start selling in-mass the Thermo Control pads here in Canada, so we can get caught up with the rest of the world when it comes to feminine hygiene 😆

(I was having some major battery issues with my digital camera and ended up taking the pictures using my iPhone 4 camera… not the greatest, but done its job!)

Last Date of April and Onto May!

So yesterday, I went with bebe for the last date of April, since today’s May 1st 😀 Of course there’s not really a significance of that though, lol. Actually well maybe, I’ll explain further! So yesterday, I picked her up from her friend’s place out. We did something quite cool and different this time, we visited a local bookstore to browser some books she wanted to buy and then in the meantime, I also found a book I was interested in. To be honest, I can’t even remember the last time I purchased a physical book. The last book I purchased was online, an eBook, and then a REAL book back in post-secondary many years ago, haha. I used to be a huge reader, going to the library and loading up a wheelbarrow each day and as I got older, either responsibilities became larger and I didn’t have time or I simply lost the devotion.

Here’s a synopsis of the book I picked up:

Opposites Attract

Harpercollins Publishers | January 31, 2011 | Trade Paperback

Does your partner want to go out on Friday nights when you prefer to curl up at home with a movie?

Does your neat-freak boyfriend always want to clean up your cluttered office?

Does your wife want to plan trips six months in advance while you’re a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?

The truth is, opposites attract. People who are different from each other in fundamental ways often catch each other’s attention. We are attracted to the very qualities we wish we had ourselves. A shy person looks for a mate who is outgoing and gregarious to provide a social circle, and the outgoing person may need to be with someone who won’t compete with him for attention. It seems like the perfect match, that is, until those very differences that originally attracted us start to drive us crazy.

But these differences don’t have to drive couples apart. Renee Baron, a marriage and family therapist with more than twenty-five years of experience, uses the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to provide a practical program for learning to appreciate our differences, rather than fight over them. The MBTI is the most widely used personality indicator in the world. By discovering your innate personality preferences and those of your partner, you can stop having the same fights over and over again and start appreciating the gifts each of you offers to the relationship.

I was trying to avoid the whole “relationship-help” books, because I figured if I presented bebe with a book like that, she would just not read it. This book was chosen because the content doesn’t draw everything out in a “how to love each other” way, but rather, how two people (regardless of the ‘relationship’ – just lovers/friends/acquaintances) with different personality-types interact. There were also a lot of funny comics inside the book and I laughed as I was skimming through it because so much of it represented bebe and I – we have the typical extravert and introvert. Perhaps if I was more like bebe, we’d get along much easier. If we were both extraverts, we’d have no problem constantly seeing each other, rapidly engaging in conversation and probably wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. Likewise, if we were both introverts (then I wouldn’t even know how we met each other, LOL) – then neither of us would desire conversation unless ‘necessary’, we’d both have our body-parts in-check and wouldn’t be touchy-touchy and we’d see each other one month at a time 😛 So as you can see, this is where the whole problem occurs, we’re people of two different “types” – but that sure as hell does not mean we can’t love each other – in fact, history has proven (even in my own family) that opposites attract. I have seen many uncles and aunties who I wonder why they would even marry each other in the first place when they are the extremes of personalities – one who is quiet and indifferent and the other who is loud and wants control of everything – and certainly there is merit in that because think, what if they were BOTH loud and controlling? Things would be explosive!

The extravert’s flow is directed outward toward people and objects, and the introvert’s is directed inward toward concepts and ideas. Contrasting characteristics between extraverts and introverts include the following:

  • Extraverts are action oriented, while introverts are thought oriented.
  • Extraverts seek breadth of knowledge and influence, while introverts seek depth of knowledge and influence.
  • Extraverts often prefer more frequent interaction, while introverts prefer more substantial interaction.
  • Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone

Let’s look at the above, it’s amazing how these psychologist can “define” people and truly ‘draw us out’ as if we were simply puppets of life. I’m not going to analyze every underlying and detailed thing about us, but let’s just take the first few things that come to my head. I would consider myself an extravert, I am action oriented and it shows. I am the touchy-touchy type because to me, I perceive it as showing my love, care and sense of security. When I touch bebe, it isn’t just about being perverse or grabbing at her, but to show my feelings for her. When I “think of what to do” – the results is that invariably it comes to an action. When my boss asks me to do something, I jump in and do it and then work from there, rather than thinking it out. I know that bebe spends a lot of time thinking about things when she’s with me, she has that look on her face. Part of it is the discomfort and part of it is that she has WAY too much going on in her mind. When I touch her, I know that thousands of thoughts go through her head… things like, “What do I do?”, “Is this acceptable?”, “Do I feel for him?”, “Should we be together?”, “What should I say?” … and etc. We were in the park yesterday and I could tell there was a lot on her mind, probably not “good” things either since her mind tends to be so focused negatively on our relationship, but then again, this is where it comes down to introverts being THOUGHT oriented, whereas I would just love to hold her/touch her rather than “thinking” about it.

Bebe definitely likes depth upon forms of knowledge – I find that sometimes the times when we have the most conversation is when she likes to drill-down on a particular matter. Bebe is very inquiring and it’s cute, she likes to ask me questions as we’re going past things or whenever it comes up in her head. If she did that more often, we’d have more conversations too, LOL. Me on the other hand, I only like to know a “bit about everything” (ok, except for periods… HAHA) rather than a lot in a singular subject. That is perhaps part of why (other than for financial reasons) that bebe wants to pursue a designation, because that usually shows that you have “in-depth knowledge about X-subject” and while I like doing project management because it doesn’t show I’m good at handling ONE thing in particular, but many different things. When it comes to influence, I like being the one who “appeals to everyone” – I want people to be influenced by my thoughts and actions – the more, the better (some people call it high-profile).  Bebe likes to keep a low-profile and moreover, she keeps her influence “deep” but only to a small audience, such as with her closest friends and doesn’t like to expand her influence as much as I do. In fact, she’d much rather if she didn’t expand her influence too much, haha.

When it comes to the interaction, no shit, lol. I think I barely need to explain this part. I wouldn’t call myself a social butterfly, I’m far from it… I have my close group of friends, my colleagues and then my family – who are put a small circle of people. Suffice to say, in comparison to bebe, I’d definitely consider myself having more frequent social interaction than bebe. I’m sure you see that bebe spends only a day a week, two at most with me, and only a few hours at that. To me, this is insufficient, can be frustrating and sometimes even tips the scale of annoying when she tells me a few hours a week is “too much” when the time she dedicates in front of her computer and with her friends out in ‘sauga is “not excessive.” On weekends, she usually does not see me until 3PM, meaning even if we stretch the time we see each other to 12AM, that’s only 8 hours. I understand her friend’s work and they sometimes are even in different rooms, but for her to suggest to me that she isn’t always engaged with her friends even if they are together makes me raise an eyebrow. Over a course of 1 week, I’m sure they spend more than 8 hours being “engaged” – so I hate it when people lie or try to B.S. me… I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I’m not retarded either. And I’m finding even though she’s next to me, a lot of the times we aren’t engaging, meaning the whole 8 hours is not really 8 hours. On the drive home, there’s sometimes very little talk, so maybe for the whole of it, we’re only being “engaged” with each other for perhaps 3 hours in an 8-hour block.

She is exactly as the description says, she prefers more substantial interaction, that is, “quality over quantity” – which I too agree with, although at times I wonder of the quality we spend with each other when she’s not talking to me. We used to have a lot to talk about, perhaps things were still “new” then and there was a lot happening in her life before, so she had things to talk about with me. Nevertheless, she should endeavour to “speak up” more often when we’ve had 10-15 minutes of silence, it is just weird. Shit, make something up if you have to, but it’s about learning “small talk” with people that’s necessary, both personal and in the work-world. I can’t wait until she has “more of a life” because it’s draining on me when I constantly have to try to get her to talk or think of subjects, all while concentrating on something important called DRIVING. If the 8 hours she spent with me were totally engaging, I wouldn’t even be so angry at her friends (or rather, the way she “commits” to her friends) – or perhaps I need to wait until she has more she can talk to me about – perhaps her life is a bit dry right now. Maybe we’re turning into those old couples where we’ve talked about so much there’s not much left to know? 😆 I think the big thing is she’s more of an “online talker” more than an “offline talker” — on MSN we can have really engaging and fun conversations. Social schooling and a job will really help build her character in terms of social-connections. When I say social schooling, I mean the courses where it’s necessary for you to talk to others and to be “open” in the classroom. Hopefully her upcoming courses will help her open-up and learn that you can’t just be quiet and expect to get away with it. With me, sure, I’ll just hold my temper and not make an issue of it on-the-spot, but with others, you can’t get away with it. I can feel my rage beginning to build-up each time there’s extended periods of silence. I realize it’s dead-boring and tiring to talk every moment of a date, but it’s necessary where both sides initiate conversation – if I have to constantly ask questions, then it’d become an interview. Again, maybe once she gets “involved in the community” through school and work that it will really open the doors for conversation and she can’t hide in that annoying little shell of hers. It’s not that she’s INCAPABLE of being social, look at her and her friends, she just likes to hide on me.

I spend a lot of time at home during the week, so me “getting out” is really my energy-recharge time. Each time I get to see bebe, I feel as if all my energy came back, despite how tired I may be, I feel refreshed with her. No matter how poorly my week has gone, just seeing her and being in her presence makes me feel as if all my problems are resolved. On the other hand, her seeing me is like a “chore” and “draining” on her. I realize I’m not sure exciting, but at the same time, I’m not boring either and I try to make the time she spends with me exciting – or at least – relaxing, even if it’s just a walk in the park. She likes to spend time alone, whether she’s at home or with her friends, “alone” is still where she is able to energize. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be doing something all the time, but certainly, spending a day or two with me should not be that tiring… after all, she stays up to 4-5AM every day and is out with her friends well past midnight, so when she gives me shit about the few hours a week we get to spend together, it makes me want to freak out on her friends and wipe them off the face of the planet. I hate when I’m lied to…

So after the books, it had been on my mind that we’d get something for her mom for Mother’s Day. Her brothers are “going back home” and if we get her something, they’ll be able to take it back for us. We had walked by some magazines that her mom would’ve been interested in, but didn’t think of it at the time and we started driving back to our city. We decided it would be best if we bought it that day since they would be leaving soon and I didn’t want to forget it. We stopped at various malls on the way home to look for them and each store happened to have a feminine hygiene aisle which I took a look at. The past few weeks have been horrid when I’ve been trying to catch sales, seems like there’s a lack of sales for Stayfree, Carefree and O.B. lately, arg – I still have coupons to use and my supply is running awfully low. I mean I could’ve splurged and bought them anyways, but still. Also, I found the Always LeakGuard Maxi’s and they were 5.97 a pack of 20, holy crap! Bebe bought something which I ended up paying for – I have a feeling she wasn’t even paying attention we’re at the register, which is fine, it kind of gives me that “couples” feeling where it really doesn’t matter which one of us pays for it. I hate the way she still tries to keep everything so “separate” between us, like we have to keep a tally of everything we give/owe… it shouldn’t be like that. If I buy something for her, it’s from my heart that I care about her – and the item which I bought for her wasn’t a “luxury” item, so I’m ok with spending money on it. If she ended up buying loads of candy or whatever, then I’d expect her to pay herself.

We went to a second store, where we finally found the right magazines… in fact, 3 of them, lol. I asked her to accompany in the feminine hygiene aisle because I wanted to look at something in detail. She gave me a very curt answer, “As if you care…” (referring to the fact I don’t get embarrassed being there myself) – but the thing is, when you’re shopping with a girl, then it looks weird if the guy is in there himself looking at stuff, and totally DIFFERENT than when I’m in there myself. I’m sure she could claim that no one knew we were shopping together (since she was in the magazine section), but still, it’s just a matter of the feeling of it. The thing is, she spent quite a bit of time looking at her magazines and even when she wasn’t in the bookstore, I didn’t complain about her being there for so long… and how can she even complain to me about the 2 minutes we spent in the feminine hygiene aisle? Like what the fuck, really? (I left the latter part out, LOL). I know she likes throwing the same excuse about “comfort level” all the time as to why she doesn’t “sacrifice” for me… but I wouldn’t even call this so much as a sacrifice but rather, just normal manners… I mean if your friend just spent a long time with you doing something you want to do/accomplish, certainly giving back a bit of time for him/her is justified. I gave her my portion of the money for the magazines as a present for her mom and even asked if we should buy a card so we can both sign it and stuff. Then she said something like, “That’s all you wanted to do…” and then I asked, “Is that a problem?” Is it so weird that I’d like my name to show up on something as a gift to her mom? What is this shit? I think it’s pretty normal for someone to sign a card and at least have her know that it is “our” gift or that I am trying to “greet” her mom. I think she likes to push my buttons to make me aggressive and I’m best when I’m passive, NOT aggressive. I wasn’t planning about signing a card and putting in, “From your future son-in-law, ____” or “With love from ___” or “From your daughter’s boyfriend ___” – I just wanted my name somewhere to shows that I’m thinking of her, because who knows if bebe will even mention that it was ‘our’ gift to her mom.

I’m not sure whether she does it with her friends or just does it to me, but when we were walking through the stores, she would disappear. You would like to think I’ve gotten “used to this” because my mom did the same thing and my dad would yell at her all the time. It wasn’t until like 20 years into the marriage where my mom would actually listen, LOL… but we’d be walking and she likes to stay behind me, then she’d stop without saying anything. I’d turn around and bebe would be gone – sometimes even IN to the aisle, so I couldn’t even see her. She won’t even say, “hey, can we stop and take a look” or “hey, I’d like to check out X-section” – poof. It just doesn’t seem like proper etiquette… I never have a problem accompanying her to look at something, even if it isn’t in my interest, but at least say something to let me know to stop. I know that perhaps because we’re “a couple” she does things she wouldn’t do with her friends, because we have a different type of relationship, but at the same time, if she devotes half the time and commitment of standards to me as she does with her friends, we’d be so-fitting by now. The more she does these things, she’s not even getting me pissed off at her, she’s getting me angry at her friends because then I end up thinking, “Do you do the same things to your friends? Do they think it’s acceptable? Do you treat them like inconsiderately?” and then of course, why do you feel it’s right to treat ME like that? The more she fuels my anger towards her friends, that’s probably not a very good thing for them… lol.

Oh, between the bookstore and driving to the store, I missed the part about lunch, haha. We got ourselves some yummy sushi and stuff. We had some small chatter but we mostly kept quiet. Again, it is off-and-on… sometimes on different dates, she’ll have more/less to say to me when we eat. The night we were out in ‘sauga for a late-night dinner, we had wonderful conversations and in fact, we didn’t even notice the time as we talked late into the night. This time, lunch was not overly exciting in the conversation aspect, but I love watching her eat, it is so cute! I like to leave the food she likes more so she can have it, it’s just how I feel. I know that she knows that I do that, and always says I can eat it too, but because I know she doesn’t have preference for other stuff, I will eat up the stuff she “doesn’t like as much” so she can eat the “stuff she likes” more. Sometimes I feel like a dad to her, lol, I “leave the best for her” – maybe it’s my paternal instincts and my love of babying her, haha. On the way back to her house, we stopped at a Cold Stone Creamery and picked up some ice cream and shake. The one thing I noticed over a long period of time is that she doesn’t “share” herfood much. This is one thing I don’t know whether she does or doesn’t do even with her friends, so I can’t point fingers. However, I also know that she’s one time told me that because I’m an only child, I don’t know what it feels like to have to share. True enough, but at the same time, every time I have a MEAL or a DRINK come to me, I always offer her a taste first. If the food is individual orders, I will always ask if she wants to have something before I dig in. Likewise, whenever she gets food like fish & chips or even her ice cream, she doesn’t bother asking me if I want to try, she’ll just dig in and IF at the end there’s food left over, she’ll give me whatever is left (like I’m a garbage can). I always love sharing the BEST of things and not only with her, but I like to “share the joy” (more appropriately, 分享) good food and experiences with everyone, whether it is my friends or family – not just her. I don’t have siblings to share good food/fun with, but what I do have is that I enjoy giving her a chance to share my meal/drink too. I can understand that she might not be accepting of food I’ve slobbered all over before, but before she digs into hers, it’d be nice if she asked me – EVEN if I don’t want it, at least it is offered. The only time I can ever get a piece of something she’s eating is if I ask, which is kind of 冇癮 if I have to ask. I was happy this time she sipped from my straw to try the milkshake ^__^

Since it was rather early and yesterday was amazing weather, we discussed about going to a park. It was so nice to be walking in a park and eating/drinking our yummy food at the same time, although in the afternoon it got a bit chillier than in the morning when it was hot. I couldn’t get her to hold my arm this time, despite last time the feeling of her holding me was so warm. Part of the shittiness of it was that we were on a “trail” and lots of it were pretty much single-file. I will have to avoid going to trails in the future as it doesn’t give us an opportunity to be physical. Sometimes she so resistant with me that I just want to pull her towards me and be rough if she’s not going to “play nice.” I try to leave a gap between us as to not be “too” intimate, so she should at least understand my actions of doing so and lean in a bit. Usually even if I put my arms around her, I’ll leave a good clearance of space between our bodies to give her that “personal space” – while maintaining a bond between my arm and her shoulder. I was a bit upset at how she would hold my arm last time, but not this time, especially given that it was fairly cold and would’ve been nice to keep the warmth together. It is interesting how she can twist and bend words into her favour, I looked at several couples who walked by us, holding each other in various ways and STILL had space to walk the trial. The saying goes, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way” – as in if she wanted to hold me, she’d find a way to do it even if the trial was narrow. Alas, I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry at her declines to be physical with me (or rather, I wouldn’t get angry if she doesn’t want to do something for me, but I would be if she stopped ME from being physical with her) – so I didn’t pursue arguing with her over the semantics of it. I highly dislike her body language and that is why sometimes I need to step away for a breather, fearful I might just explode in fury – although I attribute that to her not knowing the etiquette of physical contact.

Actually, going back to lunch for a bit, she did tell me her mom suggested her to stay local (in this city) until later on this year. I was partially happy, but that still doesn’t change the fact that she will end up moving out there anyways, not that her mom told her to stay here with me, lol. The thing is that bebe staying local to me is only temporary and as much as that makes me happy for the next half year, the inevitability is that she’s going to move closer to her friends (as if they don’t spend ENOUGH time together as it is :roll:). The other thing that came up (which I’m glad she didn’t go for…) was it was suggested she just go back home to do her studies and come back here. I wasn’t all too happy about that and bebe thought it was a better idea to stay here too. I always told bebe, best thing for us both is for her to carry on here, we’ll see where the relationship goes, and then she can go back if things really don’t work out. Nevertheless, the problem with this is that now there’s a “deadline” i.e when she completes schooling, then it forces us to push the relationship faster (which might not be good to move fast), just so it keeps her here. I want our relationship progression to be relaxed and not have a deadline that, “when she’s done school and we’re still not ‘official’ then she’s gone” — I think it puts UNDUE pressure on us both. Hopefully she won’t use her school term as a determining factor. Either way, I’m pleased that bebe wants to stay here to do school, perhaps a bit for herself and a bit for me – that makes me proud 🙂

The night turned for the better as we got back to her place. Since I didn’t have any new movies she wanted to watch, most of the night we just say next to each other on our computers, talking a bit and then we watched some Ellen Degeneres – I like watching that with her because it puts her at ease (due to the laughter) and we can also snicker at the various funny parts together. The reason I like being at her house so much is we have privacy, as in, she’ll let me do things to her that she’d otherwise be shy doing in-public. She’s not the PDA (Public Displays of Affection) type of girl, she prefers the touchy-touchy is in our own privacy, which I can respect. I got to give her a massage and hold her close to me, which really made the night perfect. There was still a bit of leaning on her body which I did not like, but hey, at least she’s LETTING me touch her right? I should be grateful for that, lol. Being able to touch her gently removes that negative-edge off my mind, because sometimes she gets me so riled up during the day that I’m ready to punch-a-wall, and letting me do this totally makes me as passive and docile as a rabbit, haha. I accidentally nicked her ticklish spots a few times because of the weird way I was sitting at getting my arms around her as my fingers couldn’t get in the right position. Nevertheless, this helps me learn about her body better – because I want to make her feel good!

It was approaching midnight and it looked like she wanted to call it a night. I asked if she wanted me to leave and she said yes, so I began to pack up. I wanted to borrow a few of bebe’s pads from her because I’m running low on stock and also I wanted to see her reaction. I made sure I did not after I went to the washroom (since it’d totally be weird if I asked before, took them and walked to the washroom… HAHA) to change if I could have a few of her pads. I made sure I said “a few” as to not insinuate I’d take it all, since I’m understanding that if her period suddenly came it’d be a bitch if I took it all and she’d have to rush out to get some. Furthermore, I asked only to take the one type that was not her “treasured Asia pads” – but just the regular one she could buy here. I didn’t buy any throughout the day because it was too expensive and would like to hold-out until there’s a sale + my coupon. She gave me a very dry response, as if I was taking a piece of gold away from her or something – and I wanted to sigh at her at that point but resisted. I can’t even describe how she replied to me.. but really, I spend so much money on her regularly that I can’t imagine she was so resistant at letting me BORROW 50-cents worth of pads… I told her I’d give her new ones once there was a sale and I bought them and also, yesterday I also gave her some money to spend as she pleases… enough to buy like TEN packs of pads with lots of change to spare – I can’t believe how dejecting it was to see she wasn’t “willing” to let me take a few. Even though she said yes and I took some, it definitely wasn’t a “nice” yes.

There was a bright-light that totally melted me last night. I had written bebe a letter, an expression of my love to her – and while I don’t think it ended up touching her like I imagined it would, there WAS positivity to it. The letter was written over a 3-day period, over 2 hours a day of refining, rewriting and such. It was HANDWRITTEN which was something I’ve never done… I’ve always composed these letters on computer and then printed it out with ONLY the signature on the bottom being “written”. The entire 3 page letter from front-to-back was all in black ink and I poured my heart, soul and blood into it. She finished reading it fast (obviously reading is faster than writing), but I had hoped that she’d savour every word more, rather than rushing through it or even skimming it. I hope she’ll keep it so each day it reminds her how special she is to me and perhaps one day we can look back at it and smile. I want to do this more often, because it really is an expression of myself to her and my commitment to do things I would never otherwise do. What made the letter amazing wasn’t the fact she “gave” me anything in return, there was no extra intimacy, but the way she said “aw, thank you” to me was the most sincere and beautiful thank you she’s ever said to me – because I could actually “feel the feeling” in her words and also because she never speaks in that tone to me. Her voice was so tender (溫柔) at that moment I wanted to serious rip her clothes off, LOL. I think I got an erection, I’m not sure, I was so dazed that I avoided any eye-contact with her, in fear I might not be able to control myself 😆

I don’t expect our relationship to flourish this year… I’m sure there will be “progress” but nothing “intense” will happen. Call me a bit superstitious, but my horoscope this year says that my relationship life will be “stable, but unexciting” … haha. I think bebe’s said something about her not having a “good social/relationship outlook” this year, which may be why we both seem to struggle. So yes, while we all have control over ourselves, a part of us, the “explainable feelings” within us sometimes is controlled by fate and timing. Maybe this year won’t be great for us, but next year we’ll suddenly go from “being uncomfortable” to “madly in love” – who knows right? When I was in the bookstore, I was reading “Dating for Dummies” – it was funny and also sometimes helped bring other perspective into this. One of the quotes, I wish I could remember it word-for-word, but was something to the effect of that love is fate, but in order for fate to happen, you have to let things progress naturally. If you relax and let fate take it’s course and you are meant to be together, then everything falls into place. Think about how divine fate is… if it wasn’t for how our parents met and a “chain of conditions” and “events” that happened leading to their relationship/marriage/pregnancy, we would not be here today. Likewise, two people who are meant to be together all follow that chain and events leading up to their success. If bebe and I constantly place expectations and try to “move things in our own ways” – it won’t work because in the end, fate controls us. If we simply take things as they come, develop as we are meant to develop, fate will guide us towards our relationship’s success. One day we’ll be able to say to our kids and remind them that if it wasn’t for a bunch of things that helped bring mommy and daddy together, we would’ve never had them! Fate is so unique that sometimes it waits for the perfect moment to ripen. Right now, maybe bebe and I aren’t ready to be involved with each other – perhaps we have other things waiting for us to concentrate or to accomplish. When fate says it is ready to bring bebe and I together – it will… and we’ll finally be happy together.

I love bebe so much I think I’m going crazy 😀

Menstrual Fetish or Simply Education?

So as I often wander and drift through the internet, I find myself reading forums and Q&A from sites. Having grown up as a forum-hopper as a teenager, I ran into many puberty-related resources, allowing open discussion between males and females, both questioners and moderators/professionals who provide information or intervene to make an expert opinion/diagnosis. With that said, many of these “specific” forums tend to be more positive towards questions and they’re answered with decency – or at least posts that are negative/insulting are removed/moderated. The internet is essentially “society” – just like when we’re offline and many of the same stigmas exist. Let me elaborate.

I was reading on a Q&A site and bumped into several different threads/sites which had males asking legitimate questions about menstruation. Furthermore, they did so tastefully so it was not a matter of, “Oh my god, please let me have your old pads!” – but rather, “I want to know what girls experience during their period” or “Do girls exercise during their period?” These questions appeared genuine and plus, some people might have called them “stupid questions” – but for males who never experience menstruation – how should they know any better? If they dare to post a question up of that sensitivity, surely they deserve an appropriate response. If the person reading/answering feels that they don’t want to answer, why must they feel the need to post a nasty response. Why is a male a PERVERT, a SICKO, a WEIRDO for wanting to learn about menstruation?

This situation is unfortunate, because women complain about men being ignorant or immature when it comes to menstruation. Yes, we have textbooks and we have school, but that is hardly “sufficient information about menstruation” – that is unless you happen to be in a medical field. For the general guy, simply skimming through our 1-page in the textbook during SexEd class or from the hearsay we get from guy friends (usually non-factual) harbour a very poor perception of menstruation in our minds. We’re criticized by women for being un-knowledgeable about menstruation but at the same time, we’re ALSO criticized when we want to genuinely learn about it. So what is it that women want or rather, do women just assume the information we absorb “from around us” is enough for us to have positive view of menstruation? We need brave and mature women who are willing to provide anecdotal support about their own menstrual experiences and educate men in these matters. We should not be degraded or berated for our willingness to learn – WHETHER this is a fetish or simply an interest.

As I was passing through Yahoo! Answers, it was so sad to see girls flocking down on this poor guy who made an honest question about periods. With a solid page of “answers” – most of them were either unhelpful or downright insulting towards this guy. Rather than taking the time to provide a useful answer, these girls told him off, called him names and made personal attacks – when these girls likely don’t even know this individual personally. Only a few “answers” that were posted addressed his question. What is it that women want? …Us to know about periods or us to remain immature about it and then blame us afterwards? I can understand that women might pounce on a guy who asks a question that is “highly inappropriate” – but these were all reasonable questions. Furthermore, if these women didn’t feel comfortable replying, why even post to yell at this poor guy who is trying to LEARN?

How do we separate the fetishists from the learners or is there that gray-area in between it? To understand a fetish, let’s take a look at the definition of it:

fetish  fet·ish (fět’ĭsh, fē’tĭsh)
n.

  1.  Something, such as an object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.
  2.  An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment.

Fetishes are usually not-harmful by nature. For instance, I love menstruation, but I don’t think I’ve ever “hurt” anyone as a result of my interests. At the same time, am I a fetishist or am I a learner? Menstruation IS related to a “sexual part of the body” (opposed to the definition of a fetish being a “non-sexual” part) – closely associated to the vagina, but is not a “part” itself. Likewise, it “may become necessary for sexual gratification” – and luckily for me, I haven’t hit that point where I feel menstruation is so deeply rooted in me where I can’t become sexually aroused without periods/feminine hygiene on my mind. Easy example is that I can easily become sexually excited just thinking about bebe – absence of her period or any products related to it. If someone DID label me as having a menstrual fetish, I also wouldn’t deny it, as I do have that border of “interest” and “excitement” – but nor would I agree 100% since it is the initial desire to learn more about menstruation where it later developed into a sexual-interest.

What though, separate fetishes over menstruation as it does to other ones – ones that people deem more “common” or even “acceptable”? In the world of men, I’m sure many of us wouldn’t deny that a good bra and panty would excite us. It seems like when guys talk about panties, it is pretty acceptable we think about it – but panties are a “non-sexual item” by nature and therefore, would be considered a fetish. Why is it “ok” for a man to have a fetish for an inanimate object, such as female underwear – but NOT ok when it comes to feminine hygiene products or a woman’s period? My ex used to always tease me by leaving some of her bras and panties on her bed so that I’d see them or she’s ask me to pick out for her what to wear underneath. However, my excitement was not necessarily the object itself, but the association. When I think about panties, I don’t get particularly excited. When I think about bebe’s panties or bras, they’re exciting because they’re HERS and the association is with her beauty and body. The other day, I was graced by seeing bebe’s panties/bra while I helped her pack and I was excited – only because she wears them and not so much the “item itself” and therefore the association with it being SEXY is based on her connection with them. So now, do I have a fetish for her panties or do I have a fetish for her? (The answer is obvious, LOL)

I have to say, there’s only been a handful of times I’ve ever felt bad about my interest in menstruation. I’ve received much praise and kudos for my dedication and commitment to being a positive male role model for menstruation. I’m sure many of my readers know my passion is probably have driven by fetish and half by knowledge – but still, does it really matter? I see so many of these poor guys who should have their curiosity fostered and to be able to engage in professional dialogue with a woman who is willing to answer their inquiries. If they pose a question and they’re hoarded by women berating him, what kind of attitude does that suggest? It suggests that men “do not need to know” or in fact “should NOT know” about menstruation and thus, we become negative towards menstruation through our experiences of being ridiculed. These poor male children, tweens or teens (and possibly even adult men) who make a genuine attempt at learning about menstruation will never ask a question about it again if they’re shot-down, what will they say to future generation of guys? Luckily for me, I have the support of many of my girls and even more proud of my girlfriend who is slowly opening up to me about her period and is willing to answer my questions to her. You have no idea how much that has changed my attitude towards her and how blessed/appreciative I feel over her openness in menstruation to me, especially because she’s not easy to pry information from, especially those of such sensitivity. Although it seems weird to take pride in your girlfriend’s period – I certainly do!

For all the men reading this, please find a woman whom you are comfortable with, trust and is willing to share her menstrual knowledge with you. For the women who read this, please extend your hand/knowledge of menstruation to willing-men around you… for this society has much to learn and crush the taboo of menstruation! If you suspect the guy is learning about menstruation because he as a fetish for it… why does it matter to you anyways? If you’re able to change the way another person views menstruation positively, educationally or otherwise, you’ve done a great job! And also… don’t assume anything about the guy when he’s asking a question – not all of us are cross-dressers, transsexuals or the-like 😛

Why Do People Self-Injure?

After my last post where I jokingly showed myself slitting my wrist (when I got bitten by a dog near my wrist), today it made me ponder WHY people ever self-injure. After all, it would see almost silly that anyone would want to hurt themselves… I mean, other than those who are really into the whole BDSM thing, I can’t imagine that getting injured is something that people would desire, suffice to say, it is one of those life paradoxes.

I had a very short-lived date with bebe today… after waiting for a whole week and being excited to see her, it ended after a short 3 hours. It was fantastic, I could finally let her see my house (because I always wanted to, not because she asked) and she could just feel something a bit more special, knowing where I lived and what it looked like inside. I would certainly want her to feel comfortable in my house, who knows, maybe we’ll be sharing some nights here in the future! Furthermore, I got an opportunity to take her to my miniature shooting-range, that way she can shoot for the very first time. We played a bit of Nintendo Wii and then decided that was enough of being indoors, after all, it was such a nice day outside today! However, just before she left, she got a call from her brother. She didn’t tell me what the call was about right away, but I could tell it wasn’t anything good (or well, good for me at least), because she has that look in her face and also she becomes very mild, timid and soft-spoken.

Soon after, she told me that her brother called because they were inviting her to go to dinner with a friend of theirs (and the sister, who happened to be bebe’s friend). There were obviously two instinctual decisions that came to mind, 1) be the more understanding person and let her spend time with her brother/friend, or 2) be greedy and make her stick to her plans of being with me for today. Of course today is special in the sense that it is Easter Sunday – and most people on Easter Sunday, whether religious or not, spend it with “special people” – whether it be family, a significant other, parents or whatever. I am not debating the fact whether her brothers are considered “special people” because it’s without a doubt they are, but likewise, I also gave up a day with my mom to be with bebe – and that’s the position she holds in my heart.

I opted for #1 because it seemed like the right thing to do. From this, I would hope that she is happy and also heartfelt (感謝) with my decision. While I do not “celebrate” Easter like religious individuals, today was a very special day for bebe and I to spend together and to be have to give her up to others hurt and disappoint me, yet, I have committed myself to wanting bebe to see the “nice” and “selfless” side of me. Did I do the right thing? I could tell she wanted to go, despite her “asking” me (as if not letting her would have done anything… she’d just be angry the whole night and not enjoy it either way with me) if it was “ok” to join them instead. It was a battle I would not win… if I kept her for the night, she’d probably “judge” me and call me greedy, want to rush home or would be upset for the entire night anyways. If I let her go, I betray myself and feelings because I’ve been WAITING SO LONG to see her.

Sometimes I ask myself, can she not see how I feel? – or does she choose to ignore the fact that I consider her to be a very important part of my life? Am I squandered simply because “I like her more than she likes me?” I know I’m the one who wants to continue trying at this relationship, so I should not be complaining to her about how she treats me, but I also wonder whether she’d treat a friend like this – not even considering that I have any extra privileges as her (potential) boyfriend. If she was out with friend A and her brother/friend B invited her to dinner, would she skip out on friend A or is it only because it is ME who is in this position? I do acknowledge that perhaps like Poh Ching says, I should unconditionally love bebe and yes, I most definitely should.. .and perhaps it is because bebe KNOWS I unconditionally love her and that she can “get away with it” that she does it… because she knows no matter what she does, I’ll still stand by her and have no qualms about it. She gave me that “I really want to go” look – so being the soft guy I am, I decided to give up my own needs and tell her I’d drive her home to be with her brother/friend tonight. I had gotten to see her for a total of 3 hours, in which I spent 60 minutes of driving time to accomplish that (20 mins each way times 4 directions). She’s still local now, so I can bite my tongue on it, but if this were to happen when she’s moved out much farther, I’d really then consider my option of keeping her for the night much more carefully. I’m not trying to lock every moment of her life with me, but I’m also asking for a reasonable treatment. With her decision to move away without thinking about my feelings of having to go farther to see her, I’ll also be more expecting of the time I spend with her given my travel time is more than twice as much and also much more tiring. If only she could “live inside my shoes” for the day and perhaps then she’d realize what it’s like to be me and to love her so much I’m willing to turn my life upside down for her and also perhaps see in my own eyes and feel through my heart how she treats me.

With that said, I knew because she mentioned that it was not a friend she had an opportunity to see often, I could totally understand her wanting to see her. I’m not ignorant of friendships and the power of them and if I had a friend who I didn’t see often, I’d give up an opportunity with someone I could see often as well – however, it was the matter of which it was done which sucked. She did ask and that was very thoughtful of her and that’s the reason why I responded so easily when she asked me if “it was ok”… because I understood. Because we had a bit of time left, she did allow me to have a walk in the park with her. Unfortunately, she did not take any initiative to hold me or anything and she kept on keeping distance when I walked closer. I had hoped given that I had been generous (大方) with my decision, she might feel “closer” to me and “reward” me with perhaps a more closer-feeling – I did not expect her to deviate from what she’s ready for, I did not expect her to hold my hands or do anything we “haven’t done” but certainly putting her arms around mine and leaning into me would’ve been nice. True, people who are generous “give with expecting” and do not expect “rewards” for everything, but I would say that given I opened my heart to be so understanding to her needs/wants, that she be understanding and give me that sense of “me doing the right thing.”

On the drive home, I was waiting, waiting and MORE waiting for her to at least show the decision I made – she was appreciative of. I hardly expected something like, “oh you’re the most wonderful boyfriend in the world!!” or anything of the likes, but taking the time to acknowledge or even say something like, “I’m sorry this happened”, “I’ll make it up to you” or “I really appreciate what you’re doing” or just SOME kind of sympathy or appreciation would’ve been all I wanted. Instead I ended up to be the one apologizing as if I was the one wrong (which I was when I “reasked” her a question, but I had been waiting the entire drive just to see if she’d acknowledge the fact I’m being thoughtful of her). Don’t even put us into the role of boyfriend and girlfriend yet, just think of us as friends and let’s just say if you were with a friend and suddenly had to duck out, you’d still say something like, “Hey, sorry I had to go” or “Hey, we’ll make sure we catch up next time”… something to show that you appreciate the person’s time and will make amends soon. Bebe literally told me off by saying she can “see me another time”… that was worse than her NOT acknowledging/apologizing the entire ride home…. because to me, that’s like saying to an interviewer, “oh, you can just interview me another time” when the interviewee decides to leave mid-way through. I’m not expecting her to cry on my shoulders and sniffle about how sorry she is to leave me, but if you don’t do something like this to a friend, you definitely don’t do it to someone who REALLY REALLY cares about you. You can’t even apply that, “but I don’t feel like I can sacrifice for you yet…” excuse on this, it is not a sacrifice, it is about morality (道德).

I saw something my friend posted the other day about how “girls don’t like nice guys” and I spent hours persuading him that girls really DO like nice guys. Bebe is trying hard to care for me and be comfortable with me because I’m nice and that because she feels I do deserve her. Likewise, through my own experience, I was reassuring him that good women, like good guys, because I see how bebe tries so hard for me because I’ve proven myself as an admirable man who can treat her right and is kind to her and those around her. I suddenly realized today is it because I’m too nice to bebe that’s the problem? Would I encounter the same problem if I didn’t start off being so nice and soft with her? If I was more of an asshole or hard-footed to begin with, would I be so easily conned into her needs all the time rather than thinking about my own? I try to do things which I think is in her best interest and happiness – likewise, I figured that giving her an opportunity to spend time with her brother and friend on a rare occasion would accomplish that. I asked her in the car whether she “felt” anything that I only got to see her 3 hours today and she without hesitation, told me that she could’ve just “taken the bus” – is it just me, or is there something wrong with that response? All of a sudden I’ve gone from “doing the right thing” to as if I am wrong for even asking curiously if that invokes any feelings of ’embarrassment’ (not the true word I wanted to use, but there’s not a good English expression of 不好意思) in her. I was just looking for her to say, “I’m sorry for not being able to spend a special day with you”… was that simple and then I would’ve felt as if my decision was a proper one to make, knowing she felt that appreciation. Do girls really like the bad boys better? Seems like women like to fall for the assholes and macho-men or the ones who don’t give-a-shit, rather than the ones who DO give a shit. All I have to say is I really really wanted bebe to be happy with being able to spend a GREAT night with her brother and friends, but I also don’t want to feel like as if I’m of not value. I’m a a friggin human being with feelings. I DO THINGS happily for her, she should at least know that!

Because I had planned for a day out, I did not have any dinner preparations. On my way home driving, I had to roll all the windows down and have cold-air on full blast, otherwise I might’ve exploded and killed people on the way home. I drove up to the mountains (because our city has very nice mountains and very well-known for them), went out to the overlook and just screamed out my frustration and anger. More interference from her friends… seems like there’s a common-theme here, always her friends taking her away from me. I ended up kicking over a mailbox, but feeling bad about it, I ended up picking it back up. Good thing no one was around since it’s probably illegal to damage government property. I guess I still have some good moral-fiber left in my body…

On the way back home, I stopped by to pick up some fast food… probably one of the worse fast food places in all of the city. The food is jammed full of fat, empty calories and grease beyond what anyone can even imagine. This is when it occurred to me, why am I hurting myself when it is bebe who is hurting me? Shouldn’t I be angry at HER and take it out on HER? How illogical is it to damage my own body even though I am not angry at MYSELF? Why would I torment myself by eating this shit to make myself “feel better”? It is such a weird thing… and that is also why I decided to research on why people hurt themselves. For ages, I’ve always thought it was ridiculous anyone would want to cause themselves pain – it confuses me. I can totally understanding wanting to cause someone else pain as revenge or something, but to hurt yourself? RUBBISH! However, I proved (along with many others) that when people cannot find ways to express anguish, you do it on yourself (i.e me consuming shitty-ass foods and smash my foot into a metal bin).

Here’s an interesting quote:

This may be the aspect of self-harm that is most puzzling to those who do not do it. Why would anyone choose to inflict physical damage on him or herself? Because they cannot imagine themselves doing such a thing under any circumstances, many people dismiss self-injury as “senseless” or “irrational” behavior. And certainly it does seem that way at first glance. But people generally do things for reasons that make sense to them. The reasons may not be apparent or may not fit into our frame of reference, but they exist and recognizing their existence is crucial to understanding self-harm.

and also found in a psychological literature, Solomon and Farrand (1996) states:

The assumption is that the alternative to self-injury is “acting normally,” but on the contrary . . . the alternative to self-injury is total loss of control and possibly suicide. It becomes a forced choice from among limited options.

Because I had only known one friend who ever “hurt themselves” to “get rid of the pain” I could never fully relate to it – I could only imagine how crazy of a girl she was to want to hurt herself as an output for her emotional pain. It is not the first nor the last that bebe’s actions/words have affected me so much that I would feel the need to hurt myself our at least consider the plausibility of it. Today, I realized a bit of it how hurting oneself is a valid output (nevertheless a poor one) of pain. Spending an hour hitting a punching bag have resulted in very painful knuckles and scraped skin, but at the very least, it clears one’s mind and gives you an opportunity to inflict that damage to a non-living thing – at the very least, I’m not hurting a living-being physically as an output.

I suppose for the most part, I have my emotions and output intact. While I do experience anger, hatred and vengeance like any other human being, I keep them under-control or at least within safe confines. I would not necessarily consider myself suicidal, I’ve certainly thought about it the first time I lost bebe – that’s how important she is in my life. It seems irrational, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotions, then you start to begin irrationally. There’s been times I thought about how jealous bebe makes me feel when she holds her friends in greater regards than me, I’ve thought “not so nice things to do” about them… along with any guy friends she claims that she is “more comfortable with than me” – but those are all just in-the-moment thoughts and seriously, I hope she never tips me over the edge to ever act on them. I hope in the future, I’m included into bebe’s life with her friends where I don’t need to feel jealous over them and where bebe can begin to reasonably provide me with the same time she spends with her friends, with me… that way, at least I don’t feel as if they’re constantly “stealing” her time away from me and although it is bebe’s decision to spend so much time with them, it is also them who entice her to spend more time with them.

I think about when L and I broke up. We had been together for many years, but yet, not once had I considered about hurting myself. I had only hated her boyfriend enough that I wanted to watch him wither in pain and remind him and her what they did to me. Despite how I felt, L actually didn’t ‘leave me for another guy’ – in fact, we broke up well before she even moved and met the new guy. It was however, the deep hatred I had for her boyfriend that I would want to inflict much pain on and have her know how she changed my life forever by hurting me in such a way. Nevertheless, if you noticed, I had mentioned things all about damaging another person and NOT myself. On the contrary when it comes to bebe, I’d much rather hurt myself than hurt her because that’s EXACTLY how much I love her, I care about her so much I could not even think about hurting her, but rather, take it out on myself. I cannot imagine my life without bebe and I’m not sure how I’d take it if anything ever happened… I really don’t want to think about it, simply because we are meant to be together and shouldn’t squander the opportunity. Likewise, it’s not a good idea for bebe OR I to “test each others limits” because I know we both have “explosive” personalities (which I saw part of hers today).

On another completely happy and worrisome note… having taken bebe shooting today, she has some remarkable accuracy for a girl who has “never shot before.” With a 8-round clip, she hit 7 targets at 15-feet distance. Shit, I don’t even think I hit that many targets the first time I shot 😆 I gotta say, bebe was DAMN SEXY (even though she always is, harhar), I love watching her aim/shoot because I want to die in happiness from seeing how cute she looks when she’s concentrated, lol! I know she doesn’t share the same gun enthusiasm as I do… she likes playing around with them and modeling in them, but she’s not big on shooting like I am. I’m glad she still joined me to shoot today though, despite her having said she’s “afraid” to shoot before. If she actually spent more time shooting, I’m sure she’d be an adept shooter – minus her using rifles because that did not seem to be her forté due to the weight of my sniper rifle and trying to acquire the target on the other side of the scope. I really enjoyed watching bebe learn and just seeing her posing with guns was pretty hot, haha. I tried not to get an erection over it and I didn’t 😛 I was a good boy! LOL. I do notice she seems to wear the same rotation of clothing every time I see her on a date though, not sure why 😀 Does she have other overly-sexy clothes she doesn’t want me to see her in? HAHAHA.

I’m just going to blame my bad-luck today in what happened and (trying to think of an excuse for her attitude) that maybe she doesn’t value Easter Sunday as much as I do when it comes to sharing it with her. Maybe it’s just I’m too “easy to access” or accessible to her that my time isn’t as valuable. If I was harder to get a hold of like her friends and she wanted to be with me more, every moment would seem more valuable. Alas, I’m still trying to work my way to importance with her friends. Hopefully she has a great night tonight and that it reminds her that I’m willing to give up such an important date for her and that she sees me 苦心 for her. I want her to be happy but also remember I’m trying to be selfless for her. I’m holding out for tomorrow and hoping that she’ll make tomorrow extra special for me and that at least I know my sacrifice wasn’t just for nothing! 😀

Think positive and I pray that one day soon, she’ll find that special spot in her heart for me! I love her oh-so-much and would do almost anything in the world to win her over… I just hope I can accomplish it in the proper way than just having to get rid of all her friends so she can concentrate on me, lol. I rather like her friends (and most are quite cute… although I still got my eyes on Bebe, muhahah), I wouldn’t want to be mean unless I was forced to 😆

When A Problem Can’t Be Solved…

What do you do when your girlfriend still doesn’t love you as much as she should and you can’t seem to do anything to change it? You try to kill yourself…

Not quite suicide... yet...A bit far from my wrist eh, lol, obviously a very shitty suicide attempt 😛 I just can’t bear to think about how much love hurts, so I decided life is easier “lived” when you’re dead, all for the sake of bebe….. (or actually) it was because I was bitten by my friend’s dog.. AGAIN. That stupid dog is starting to piss me off, I’m going to shoot it or poison it – making sure that it’s a slow and painful death. I don’t know what the hell that dog’s problem is with me, I’d definitely call myself an “animal-friendly” and “animal-compatible” person, but this dog just has it out for me. I’d make sure I use low-velocity bullets so that the dog feels every second of the pain when the bullet drives through its skin and lodges itself in an organ. -_-” or… make sure it is a very slow acting poison…

But anyways, today my girls and I went out to Niagara-on-the-Lake and then later on, Niagara Falls. It was a great day up to late evening, there was no signs of rain which was first predicted, but the air was still chilly but reasonable to walk around. After all, many people were eating ice cream, lol. We all took some pictures, walked around for about 3 hours and decided to head onto Niagara Falls. Although the clouds loomed overhead like it was going to rain any moment, it sure as hell held up until well into the evening – lucky us! We had originally planned to eat at NotL, but turns out the place we were planning to go to wasn’t operating at-capacity during the slow-seasons, so we opted to “go back to the city” to see what we could find.

We took the small roads all the way to Niagara Falls and we passed by the Great Wolf Lodge and one of the girls mentioned this would be a great place for bebe and I to hit during the summer. Knowing bebe and I, I figured this wouldn’t be a place that’d interest us a lot, it’s more for the “family with kids” thing (so until we have them…) – so we’d probably opt for the more traditional hotel with recreation and just a “couples night” together – the Great Wolf Lodge wouldn’t really offer activities that would make the stay worth while. I did see the new Oakes Hotel there and because I know I get a great deal offering through work, it’d be great to get an overlooking view of the falls along with 2 Queen-sized beds. As much as I’d like for bebe and I to be able to snuggle up in a single bed before, just her accepting to spend time overnight together in the same room would make me happy enough. It’s amazing how when we love someone, we’re willing to change our expectations to what we want eh? haha. There’s a thing we can’t live without in our place-of-stay though… and that’s wireless internet access 😆

We ended up eating at Shoeless Joe’s and it was a great experience for all of us. I treated them all and the bill came to short of $100 for 5 people, not bad at all. The portions were massive and we got this “appetizer” which really wasn’t an appetizer… it was a friggin meal in itself! They were all really happy, so they decided to treat me to a bar. Funny because they like treating me to those places, knowing that I don’t drink 😛 My girls are so funny and like to tease me all the time, so treating me to the bar is like getting a get-out-of-jail free card, haha. That’s like taking a vegetarian to an all-you-can-eat meat buffet 😆

So I was sitting around and while they were having alcoholic drinks, I just had some sparkling-type stuff… I also was driving, which meant either way, alcohol was off-limits for me. Although I know that I can still drink up to the legal limits, I just prefer not to have any alcohol in me if I’m driving and responsible for that many lives. If I want to drink, I’d ensure someone else who wasn’t drinking was available to drive or drink somewhere “safe” like in my own home or home of a friend where I can spend the night if I feel I’m not in the capacity to drive.

So naturally, some girls came by to ask me if I’d buy a drink for them or if I was “interested in talking”… but I wasn’t exactly in the flirty mood or feel like I want to consider other women anyways, so I told them, “Sorry no” and that “I’m already taken” – did not plan on going to the bar for potential dates, lol, I was there with my girls because they didn’t want to go home too early. My girls teased me about being so loyal to bebe that I wouldn’t even take a glance at other women – but they all know me well enough that my loyalty to my girlfriend is unwavering… stick a nude chick in front of me and I’d still be like, “Meh.”

So as I’m writing this message, I pretty much got “told” by bebe that she’s uproot locally and moving out to Mississauga. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but that’s also not my decision. Perhaps the shittiest part of it all was that we didn’t exactly spend too much time discussing it, she doesn’t treat me like a boyfriend and kind of “talk it over” about the specifics of how we’re going to see each other and stuff like that. I know we’re not official, but we are still good boy-girlfriend. I’m not saying we’ve never “made mention” of this happening, just wish there was a bit more formality over it… just seemed like she’s “made the decision and that’s that”… I mean, most couples “discuss” things with each other and try to get to common-ground on things… I suppose that’s where her independence-dominance takes over. It’s starting to get to that point where her “attachment” to her friends scare me… wish I could make them disappear, but then bebe would also have less of a reason to stay in Canada. Equally said, she’d point out “we’re not a couple” so she has no need to “ask” me…

Suffice to say, I’m glad at least I have some contacts out in Mississauga and more importantly, my friend who runs his private investigator business has his office there, so if I ever need to keep an eye on her, at least I have someone to refer to. In fact, I actually had fewer people I know here who would help out than there. It’s not so much I want to know what she’s up to constantly, but at least I have it as an option for me, particularly when she’s so far away from me locally here. I hate the idea of having to do something like this, but when I look at how dubious it is that she would not rather stay in the same city as her (potential) boyfriend or consider perhaps working/half-staying here makes me feel a bit weird. Notably, she’s mentioned she can’t quite feel that “want to sacrifice” for me and ok, sure, I doubt she’d actually reconsider where to live on my behalf, but at least let’s consider the implications of us having 50km between us. I know I can handle keeping this relationship alive and I’m not going to let it go just because she’s moved outside of town (at least we’re in the same COUNTRY and PROVINCE) but I almost feel displaced with this decision, quite shocking to me despite her having ‘talked’ about it. I suppose we’re not the only “budding couple” who don’t live super-close and I know many of my friends have had their partners hours away from home and it still works – and even my boss, who relocated far-away-from-work for his wife, so I suppose I have to bite my tongue and make it happen despite me wanting to stay here, close to work. I suppose another thing is if we do end up living together and being married, we could compromise on choosing a “middle point” and since I don’t think she’d actually consider where she’s going to move to as being permanent.

I still flop between how I feel about the “power” and “control” her friends have over her… and I actually don’t think it’s “their fault” – it’s bebe who CHOOSES to be close to them and attached to them (rather than me, wtf). On the same note, it may very well actually be bebe’s friends who are MY saving-grace as to why she’s still considering Canada as a “home”… maybe without them, bebe would not have felt I was a strong enough reason for her to stay… I have to remind myself these are bebe’s decisions, not her friends and they should not get tied up in my displeasure of how her live revolves around them and not me. I wonder if I should be getting some private investigation on her friends rather than on bebe, lol, figure out some way where they can’t constantly consume bebe in their lives… or just wait for natural attrition where her friends begin to get married and have a more regular lifestyle that they can’t constantly be entertaining bebe’s visits. Sigh, I can’t decide whether this is being greedy or whether this is a natural reaction to feel jealous of the time and COMMITMENT she has for them…. use that same commitment on me and we’d easily be “official” boyfriend/girlfriend now 🙄

I’m going to go with what my friend Amy said though… I need to spot this from a more positive standpoint. At least bebe’s in Canada and (assuming) a portion of that is attributed to her wanting to “make this relationship work.” Bebe’s closer to her friends, which means satisfaction in staying here. Her seeing her friends more, means she will appreciate seeing me more now that she can see them so often… or “split time” between us reasonably. I go out to Mississauga quite a bit and I can bear it for the most part. When she gets her own place, we’ll have a “place to ourselves.” When the relationship is more steady, I could have a place to sleep until the next morning and go to work – the drive in the “other direction” is a lot better even during rush-hour. More time being out there might mean I get a chance to “integrate” with her friends more. I have more friends/business-partners out there who can help me keep an eye on bebe if need-be. I’d really only consider that if I suspected anything, maybe give those guys who want to steal her away from me a “warning” that ‘accidents’ might happen to them. Mississauga IS a nice city and I admit, I love bebe enough to move out there if she really wouldn’t budge and move somewhere closer to my work like Oakville/Burlington. The place she’d be living at would still be “for now” and she hasn’t said for sure she’s staying there FOREVER. She’d be able to join my family-friends out more often since on the weekends we go out to Mississauga to see our group/grocery shop. I mean there ARE a host of reasons, including her own reasons of liking that area, close-to-friends, reasonable commute, etc. I just felt really bad about not being “considered” when she made that decision to go there… what about me then?

Beyond all of my displeasure, there’s nothing I can do (well nothing reasonably… I could find other things really cruel to do to force her to stay here, but that’s just not RIGHT) and have to look “on the bright side” of things. At least traffic is in my favour from the direction I’m traveling from and there’s definitely much more to do on dates for us out there than where I live. The only thing that makes me feel sad about this is not actually her not being local, because I could probably still be ok with driving out there for regular dates 2-3 days a week, but rather, the way she “conveyed” it to me and kind of didn’t bother thinking about how I’d feel or make a statement that she still feels the relationship is important despite moving away. If I had a reassurance from her that she’s still very much confident in our relationship, then this move would be no big deal!

Here’s something cute ^__^ Just like bebe n’ I…

http://video.ca.msn.com/watch/video/couple-differences-do-opposites-really-attract/18w2htvfj?from=en-ca-infopane&src=v5:share:v5:share:permalink

The Cost of Dating Bebe… To My Car!

Just some fun statistics about changes to my driving habits as a result of dating. I personally manage my finances, so I have built nice little spreadsheets and visual depictions over the year, so these were already available to me. I’m not pointing fingers or putting blame, I just found the statistics interesting and thought some of you might like a laugh 😛
Cost of Dating Bebe (Car)As you can tell, the high cost of gas clearly reflects upon these figures. Bebe only has affected me (so far) 150 KM of additional mileage, compared to figures of the previous year when I wasn’t dating her regularly 😀 Although it is only a mere 150KM of difference, if you look at the COST of the gas, that’s $141 difference between the two years (and only 27 litres of gas!!!!) when I’ve driven only a 150KM surplus. My statistics are based off my every record of gas and odometer display and also these figures are derived only for usage from Jan-Apr of 2010 and 2011.

Anyways, just something mid-week for me to post, my eyes rolled at the price difference despite how little “extra” I’ve driven. I mean, obviously this doesn’t account for increase/decrease in personal driving or for work, so that would of course affect these numbers, but it’s cool to see that from my “normal driving habits” – that bebe’s impact on my gas bills have not been much 😆

Anyways, this was all just for fun tidbit and I’m not complaining or anything, psh!

Defeated by PMS

So I’ve always prided myself on being one of those guys that can handle a PMS-situation. With all my ex’s, whenever they were in a bad mood or whatnot, I’d always be able to make the situation feel right or at least “correct” those mood-swings positively. Yesterday was proof that apparently as much as I’ve been able to do wonders with my ex’s, it is not the case for bebe, LOL. Last night was our date night and we had spent a lot of time doing what most people would see as great “couples” activities. First, we went and ran some errands together for her brothers, then we picked up 2 of her friends at home and from a mall. Then we proceeded to go get some bubble tea and we spent a few hours at the place playing cards with those friends.

I was rather happy yesterday, because she’s letting me meet her friends more and more. Out of her group of closest friends, I’ve met 4 of the 5 already – so that makes me very happy because it was always hard for her to introduce me to them. Although I have yet to be introduced as her boyfriend, it’s nice enough just to meet them so they know of my presence in her life. We played cards for quite a while, got a new snack to go along with it and it was nice to see bebe talk to her friends and just “be her.” She asked if I wanted to go, but I saw she seemed to be enjoying playing cards and being with her friends, so I said I didn’t need to go. When bebe went to the washroom, her friends were all “teasing” me and they were like, “Oh, do you want to leave? We will help you…” and when bebe came back, they were telling us it’s ok to go, that we should go shop or whatever, but by then, the movie we had planned on attending was < 1 hour away, meaning we really had no time to effectively do anything. Driving to one of the other major malls (because the one closest to us was closing in 20 minutes) would take a good 15 minutes, which means we’d spend 30 minutes two-way just traveling, so it didn’t seem time-efficient.

I guess our “problem” occurred when both bebe and I were trying to be nice to each other, LOL. I was trying to be nice and not be like I’m pulling bebe away from her friends just because we’re ‘together’ and she was being nice to me by thinking I didn’t want to be the one saying I wanted to leave and be rude, so she kept on asking me if I wanted to go. Truth be told, I actually enjoyed playing cards with her friends, so I really wasn’t just “outwardly being nice” – my intents were genuine that I liked sitting there to do things with her friends. So here is where the clash came in as to her actually wanting to leave because she was getting bored, but I was also trying to be nice/enjoying her friend’s company that I didn’t want to drag her away. I suppose we need to ‘learn’ each others hinting more, haha… because I had thought she thought I was bored and wanted to leave, meanwhile, she was the one who wanted to leave and I didn’t clue into it… tsk tsk!

So we left for the movies and I could tell she wasn’t all too happy. Understandably, she’s been bored for a while just sitting there and playing cards with her friends and I was also fairly quiet in not wanting to try to force conversations in, but still, that shouldn’t warrant me be like I did something terribly wrong though. During the movie, I kept to my side to give her that personal space, because as we all know (lol), how much she likes her “personal space.” – I didn’t bother trying anything with her today because she just didn’t seem like she was in-the-mood. Prior to me picking up her friends, she seemed very cheery with me and stuff, so I guess it was something “inappropriate” I said while we were playing cards that didn’t make her very happy. Again, she never can tell me what the problem is, it’s sometimes frustrating because she doesn’t even seem to understand herself. It seems like there’s these “magical problems” that happen that she can’t define, making a solution to it hard as well.

She was hungry (during) and after the movie, so we proceeded to have dinner. We had some decent conversations at the table, but I could tell she still wasn’t very engaged with me today. I tried to make her day better, cheer her up, but it was clearly not working out. It seemed like no matter what I did or said, it was ‘wrong’ – even despite my best efforts to make the night better. I guess sometimes when it comes to that, she’s not very cooperative… whenever I ask her if I can do anything to make the night better, I never get a response I can act on.. it’s always a closed-end response where I can’t really do anything about it. Suffice to say, that’s just her and I guess if it was my choice to like her, I have to live with it. I sometimes wish she could express herself in a way that it allows me to learn what I can do for her, because it doesn’t give me an opportunity to gauge her feelings & interact with them, so whenever I don’t understand her, I’m not sure if she has a right to actually say I “don’t understand her” since she CLOSES those opportunities for when I do try to understand her.

So as our main-course ended, I decided to shuffle over to the bench-side with her since we sat across from each other. I really really disliked the fact she sat so far from me. I mean sure, the “feel” and the “mood” definitely wasn’t here for the night and was definitely disheartening and saddening, but it has been so long where she’s actually sat that far away from me it was bordering the line of worry, anger and stress. Sure, the night didn’t “go the way we wanted to” – but to sit almost a PERSON of space apart was just too much for me to handle. Every time I moved closer, she’d shuffle a bit farther and I just got so annoyed I pulled her close to me. I even had to make a verbal statement about it and really, I shouldn’t need to do that. When I hold her against me, it feels so natural… but she has yet to act on her natural bodily response either. Sometimes I ask myself, is it better to hold on to her and let her get used to my touch on her or is it better to not hold her once I feel the discomfort so that way she doesn’t feel trapped. It’s such a hard question as to which is “right” since BOTH have its merits.

At some point within our conversation, I jokingly touched on whether I didn’t seem to be able to make her happy tonight was because she was moody and “had PMS” and of course most women would respond, “NO, don’t blame PMS.” – but even tonight, she had thought that was it actually PMS as well, because there’s just “so many little things” that bugged her she couldn’t quite put her finger on it… and it seemed like she fluctuated from being unhappy and happy throughout the day randomly. The night wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all ingenuity either because her smiles to me were all still very sweet. Maybe because I thought I could “handle PMS well” but apparently it’s a whole different monster when it comes to bebe, because I just couldn’t cheer her up. It got to around 10PM and I asked her if she wanted to go back, but she actually didn’t yet, despite the foul mood. I decided to take her on a joy-ride then, just to look at houses, be in the car and listen to music. I can’t even believe I did that given the crazy gas prices right now, but furthering the point that I’d do almost anything for her. We drove around for about 40 minutes before I decided I needed a place to just park and rest. It was nearing 11PM and I was getting drained and because I was just so stressed out over the day that it was more emotional exhaustion more than physical one.

As we sat there, we just had some small talk. All of a sudden, she goes quiet probably to think about what she’s going to say, then says asked me if I “wanted to know what she thinks about this relationship”… I literally FROZE when she says that. I said let me think about whether I wanted to know and I could already feel my pulse/heart rate pumping – not only that, but I was feeling short-of-breath. I had to step outside because it was cool and I could regain my composure, thoughts and just my sanity. I got back into the car and told her I’d listen… there was no doubt that my mind raced, heart pounded and couldn’t breath throughout the entire conversation. It wasn’t anything bad, suffice to say, wouldn’t say it was anything good either. I mean it’s great we can sit and talk about the relationship, but wish we could sit and talk about the GOOD things in our relationships, not just her “discomforts”  – but I did get to explain myself and my own feelings – things I don’t share with anyone, not even on this blog. The reason why I had such a big reaction was because of the night’s incident (with the PMS and all… lol) along with the way she “asked” if I wanted to know (since you don’t ‘ask’ when you tell people good things, you just blurt it out) made me feel as if it was another one of those “dead end” conversations. I was so tired from the night that when we finished chatting, I just wanted to hold her hand and take a short nap. She didn’t let me hold her hands, SIGH… so I held on to the back of her hand while I tried to take a snooze, not that I could because of all the worry. At least we did come to the “agreement” that we think it was mostly PMS which brought about the day’s negativity, because ever since she returned from Malaysia to Canada, things have been doing really well for us and our “direction” in the relationship is definitely there. I hope one day SOON when bebe and I had a solid relationship foundation, I can tell her the truth about how I kept tabs on her 😛 As much as she tried to emphasize my loyalty and niceness to her, we both know that’s not enough to lay the groundwork for a good relationship, so it was still a bit dejecting to know she still can’t quite “feel” it with me.

Let’s just say for the sake of an “example” I had a choice between forcing her to be with me, even though she doesn’t truly want to – or if I just let her go. Of course there are those who say the whole, “If you love her enough, you will let her go.” – well let me tell you this, that’s retarded. I suppose we’re all entitled to our own opinions, but it’s “easier said, than done” to let someone go who you truly love, it’s just downright stupid when I hear that sometimes. Call me greedy, but I think I’d still go for option 1. Why? Because a lot of couples who decided to get into a relationship even though one side was not fully happy. This usually occurs when “oopsies” happens with unexpected pregnancies or when people are forced into a marriage circumstance (arranged marriages) or even mail-order brides, people who never once thought about being together, ended up being together, but lived happily-ever-after. Likewise, even if I were to be so greedy as to force bebe to stay with me, she may very well end up being more happy than she ever expected. Sounds like a fairytale, but if there’s anyone who can do it, I believe in myself that I’m capable of that 😛 Of course the BEST alternative would she actually willingly be with me and feel that spark, haha. The way I feel about her is so deep and I’d actually be willing to (Chinese Astrology) 轉運 and give up 5 years of my life just to be with bebe. After all, would I want to live my life unhappily without bebe, or would I rather live 5 years less and be happy with her? I think the decision is pretty obvious for me… that’s how much I love her.

We spent a lot of time expressing our own thoughts about how we view the relationship and I mean deep down, I’m not ignorant to believe that this will relationship will for sure work out, but there’s no doubt I’d want it to work out… and that I’m willing to devote what it takes to win her over. Even though “time” is not exactly on my side, I’ve told myself that I refuse to give up on her and even though I’d normally try to push the relationship forward or whatever, I’m going to just give her that time she needs and that I’m not going to “set a deadline.” As she mentioned her talking to her friends about how she should definitely try to bring those feelings to surface about me, obviously if she’s tried and still doesn’t work out then it’s just not happening. Of course we’ve only been “trying hard” for the past 2 months, so that still gives us lots of ‘testing’ and ‘getting to know each other’ time… I’m not sure if she set a particular date/length of time where she thinks that’s enough time and it is/is not working out (and quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to know), because then it doesn’t give us constraints to time – otherwise we’d constantly be rushing rather than being realistic – I suppose we’ll just let time take its course while we do our best to make this relationship work. The GOOD thing is that if our relationship works out, seriously NOTHING will separate us, because we’ve gone through so much that we’d both be impervious, given all the obstacles we’ve had to go through to get to a great place.

I’m not sure how I felt last night. Even when I dropped her off, I’m not sure what I should’ve done. We usually hug each other before we go for the night, but I didn’t even bother positioning myself or asking for one, just didn’t feel right and I’m not sure whether I did it for me or did it for her. I mean quite notably, I wasn’t exactly happy or anything and she wasn’t very happy either – so maybe that’s why. I was kind of upset with how things turned out so I just didn’t feel very huggable. At the same time, I’m also not sure if SHE wanted to be hugged given all the things we talked about. I felt so empty when I went home, like the night wasn’t complete. I got to hold her a lot tonight, but it didn’t feel the same. I mean, I now know I’ve been defeated by PMS – it has never been that bad on me before, I’ve always been able to control PMS on my girls pretty well and have always done the right thing that could help them smile and be happy. I guess I just shouldn’t hold the night against bebe, I mean if PMS is really the culprit, then we’ll be ok once her period starts!

I got home at around 1:30AM after dropping her off and this has been the first time I’ve been so tired that on my drive home, my eyes were READY to close. I got home safely and just plopped on my bed and went to sleep. However, the repercussions to the night were rough. This morning when I woke up, I went to the washroom to puke. There was really ‘nothing’ to puke out since last night’s food had already been entirely digested, the feelings were all the “sick to my stomach” feelings over the previous night. I don’t even know what I’d do without bebe in my life. I don’t want to go back to “searching for another half” because I’ve FOUND her… I just need to be able to keep her. She’s still young and that’s why she’s not “rushing”…. had she been say, 28 or something, then she might be a bit more rushing in this relationship, because that biological clock is ticking against her. We talked last night about how anyone can survive without another person, but the reality is I love bebe so much that I don’t know how I’d be able to go on life without her… Today has not started a good day, I feel exhausted even though I got plenty of sleep, I don’t feel like eating (and even when I do, I feel like barfing) and I can’t breath/concentrate. I just hope I get over this feeling soon, bebe gets over her PMS and both of us be POSITIVE again.

One thing I remind bebe is that all it takes is one incident for her to feel that spark. When, where and how… neither of us knows, but we shouldn’t just give up on it, but simply wait for that spark to happen – because it will. I pray… I pray…

What Do You Do When…

So really, what do you do when you have an irresistible partner? LOL. I wish someone could answer that for me before I kill myself, haha. I think every time I lay my eyes on bebe now, I feel like I want to jump on top of her. I wouldn’t call it horny because it’s not like that, more like… the Chinese expression 肉緊 (I’m not sure what the English expression would be because literally, it means “tight meat” LOL!) I admit I’m more of the touchy-feely type of person, I feel that “draw” of physical intimacy when I’m near someone I care about and this doesn’t have to do just with romantic-partners, but even family, parents or whatever. Sometimes I just feel the need to give my mom/dad a hug or a goodnight kiss or something – I’m just the affectionate type and I’m totally ok with showing it, doesn’t make me feel like I’m a sissy or anything. This world has gone too far with the whole, “to be a man, you have to be macho, tough and show no feelings.” So if anyone can help me suppress that physical affection of mine for bebe, feel free to tell me 😆

I woke up with a deadly headache yesterday morning and it was shit, especially because bebe and I planned on going out. I tried to relax myself to see if the headache went away, made myself a coffee, relaxed on the couch and used my massage chair. I feel asleep on the massage chair and woke up as bebe messaged me on my phone telling me to go over at 4. It was already 3:20 then and she told me she was going back to sleep because she was tired. Being the (cough) great boyfriend I am 😀 I purposely diddly-daddlied around the house, went to the bank,  get gas, etc. before arriving at her house and not arriving at her house until well after 4:30 so she could get some extra sleep. After I got there, I found out she had already slept BEFORE she called me (she had went out for lunch), I felt so 好心着雷劈 (Chinese expression for something along the lines of “Being punished for having a good heart”) for wanting to give her extra sleep time. It’s not like she yelled at me for it, but more of the fact I wasted an extra hour I could’ve been with her thinking she needed extra sleep. It’s not her fault, just that I was trying to be too considerate I guess, bleh!

Bebe was in the bathroom (SEXY, lol) when I got over so her brother opened the door for me. I greeted him and all I got was a grunt as a reply, lol (I see where bebe gets it from… HAHAHA) – weirdest reply ever, so I just ignored him and went upstairs 😛 Guess he was going through some male-PMS or something. Her brother has always been at least polite every time I’ve talked to him, so I forgive him for his unusual rudeness, haha. I finally did it for the VERY FIRST TIME…. but I brought shorts over to bebe’s house to wear because she doesn’t like it when I bring “outside pants” and sit on her bed (very logical). I also left my shorts there as a sign of territory claim, lol. You know, men still have very animalistic nature inside them, LOL. If I leave my shorts there, it’s making a point to all other guys entering her room that she’s taken and someone is watching out for her… or if you prefer a, “Stay the fuck away from my bebe!” statement 😀 I can’t wait until bebe starts leaving stuff at my house, harhar. I heard that women apparently do that too and when they want to “claim their man” – they leave their most intimate things around, like panties, bras, maxi pads/tampons (yes, I’ve read this, not making this shit up) so that other women know that “this guy is no longer available” hah.

I had brought a movie over and my “hope” was that I would just lie there and watch the movie with her and she’d go back to sleep. Well, it failed because she stayed awake the whole movie, LOL. I was hoping she’d fall asleep with me so I could put my arms around her shoulder and pull her head in to me. I wasn’t planning to “take advantage” of her or something (well other than that) – just wanted to have a nice cozy feeling. Nevertheless, although we didn’t quite get to do that, laying on her bed snuggled up with her was a really nice feeling. She did sit rather far (blah), so not sure whether that was just to leave room or whether she still feels the need for that “gap”. I’m honestly terrible when it comes to over-analyzing things. Since she was on the “outside” of the bed, it was much easier for her to steal glances at me, but I caught a few glances of her and my heart totally melted, thinking SHE is the beautiful girl I’m going to spend my life with, just like this, lying together on the bed every night. I couldn’t help but feel like I’m the luckiest guy in the world, I wanted to roll over and just kiss bebe on the neck (WANTED, not that I did) and pour my heart’s love out to her. The feeling was just amazing being next to her, although I wish we were a bit “closer”… shared a pillow, actually had some body-contact or under the same blankets, but hey, it’s a start! My plans of her falling asleep didn’t work though, ick, haha! After the movie, she said something really cute and I just hugged her from behind because she was adorable. Her body had a “half accepting” “half rejecting” type feeling, so I definitely can’t complain. At least she doesn’t FULLY reject my touch anymore, so I was happy. Unfortunately, even though she told me wasn’t “uncomfortable” – I could tell she wasn’t “totally” comfortable with it either. Body language is very obvious and not as subvert as people think and our bodies often tell much more than we know or are willing to say. When you get a hug, you usually feel “receiving” and whether you return it is one thing, but part of your body movement tells how much you REALLY want it. When I held her even for a bit, I could feel that it was “ok” for her, but she also wasn’t ready to “embrace” my hold and I could still feel her body trying to escape (although not through anger/discontent, but still not ‘acceptance’). I let go quickly since I had already tested my limits and knew when to call it quits, haha. It was such a warm feeling though and I could feel that we can at least have some contact now.

We fooled around in the house after since she was wide-awake (not that type of fooling, I wish, lol) and then I was getting super hungry so I hinted to get something to eat. While we were looking for stuff, I had put my leg close against her. Again, you could claim I’m taking advantage of the situation, but I just like physical contact and it wasn’t like I was touching her boobs or something. I just put my leg close enough against her where we could feel each other, but not to be “intrusive.” A couple of times she shifted and I wasn’t sure if it was to avoid me pushing up against her or whether it was just natural body movement. Either way, she let me keep my leg there for quite a while, so I’d assume she just moved so her body wouldn’t become stiff. I hadn’t eaten since 11AM, so it was already 8PM then and I could feel myself dying 😛 I grabbed something to eat without asking (oops, lol, I kind of treat it like my house now, haha) just so I wouldn’t pass out. I asked her if she wanted to go out for a drive and then grab something to eat. Her driving is improving and it sucks that the past 2 times we’ve gone out, it has been evening/night-time, so I find she’s a lot more conscientious about night-driving, so it tends to be slower – to the point where it might annoy people behind her, lol. I’m not saying this is a fault, more like she just needs to “get used to it” and she’s lucky she doesn’t run into any drivers like me who think she’s too slow, cut her off and give her the middle finger 😆 Plus, I think she’s still on the whole “test-behaviour” since she literally goes the exact limit… 90, she goes 90, heh. I’m not saying I’m right for going faster, but she’ll learn to move “with traffic flow” soon! Parking ins/outs in tight spaces is the one part I’d probably ask her to improve on because she gets AWFULLY close to other people’s cars when she backs up and she doesn’t even realize that there’s probably a “finger” left of space in between. I need to get that parking sensor thing for her soon.

We had Korean food, very yummy and I couldn’t imagine finding a place of this quality where we live. I’ll definitely be visiting again and I even told my mom about it. The price was fantastic and while I didn’t “fill myself up to the max” – I definitely got the money/food worth. I ended up paying while she went to the washroom and she came back to tell me she was thinking of paying tonight, lol. My dad always had this funny thing about people who like to “go pee” right before the bill comes 😛 and I don’t think bebe did that on purpose, since I’ve already gotten used to her washroom habits, but I remember my dad would always yell and my mom and I if we left before the bill came because it’d look like we “expected” the other party to pay for us as well by obligation. My dad was the type to always be aware of mannerisms because of how big our family is, you never want to appear as if you just happen to “go to the washroom” at that time and someone else would end up covering it for you (and naturally, wouldn’t take your money back). In my views, since bebe and I are a “couple” it doesn’t really matter who’s pocket it comes out of as long as we’re spending reasonably. MAYBE I’m just crazy 😆 hah.

As bebe falls for me more and more, I find myself falling head-deep into her. We are… a couple, there’s nothing she can deny anymore, LOL. She could make this sound like a “casual relationship” if she wanted to, but everyone can see more than that 😆 It’s also good because everyone around us seemed to just have accepted it. My mom and all my friends all simply refer to her as “my girlfriend” so they don’t think it’s just a “seeing each other” thing anymore 😛 Even though her friends probably don’t refer to me as bebe’s boyfriend, I’m sure they probably think that anyways XD Anyways, I can feel us coming together so it’s a really nice feeling. I’m starting to put those barriers down and such. Also, I’m also feeling less and less inclination to track bebe now. I know myself well enough to have said before that once I feel close enough and trusting enough of her motives/actions and feel that she’s “responsible towards me” that I would no longer feel the need to snoop. This is true as most of the things I used to do, I don’t do anymore. The other day she was prodding at me for “hacking” but it’s not even CLOSE to what I do to track her XD She has no idea how I do it and she doesn’t need to.. well it doesn’t matter even if she knew how I did it anyways, since I no longer need to do that. She’s definitely being more considerate of my feelings about keeping-in-touch regularly, so then she’s fulfilled her part of the deal and I fulfill my part of the deal by not snooping.

During the dinner she also told me about the thing that’s been bothering her all this time. I guess my second hunch was correct after analyzing the things I read/saw. It was just nice to know what the problem is because I was annoyed at the fact that I should be the one that she “tells everything to” or at least shares her ups/downs with me. You know the say, “for better, or for worse” and it’s true.. I share all my happy AND unhappy moments with her because it’s reality. Again, last night, we truly connected in every way, shape or form. The things we can talk about now is much more relaxed and open. We can also better understand each other and be respectful of each others conversation topics. I’m sure there were a couple of times during the night I said something “inappropriate” but she still played along with it. That’s the whole thing about a relationship, tolerance and naturalization. In her mind, something that comes out of my mouth might not be “what I like” and vice-versa, so we learn just to enjoy what we say to each other within discrimination and just go along with it – in the end, it saves an argument and we both smile. I made some sexual prods at her (half serious, half joking), and it was just funny – it  as not meant to put her into an uncomfortable situation or make myself seem lecherous. I also mentioned about “going to a hotel and sleep in separate beds” with her (because it seems silly to pay for 2 rooms…) later on in the year just to relax and although she didn’t exactly say, “Hey that sounds great!” least she wasn’t like, “Hell no!” either. I’m sure by then I can gauge the comfort-level and if she still doesn’t seem ok with it, I’m not going to push it – it’s not like I set a “time limit” on it. However, if at that time we can share the room together, then it’d be a nice relaxing weekend for us. At least when it comes to relationship things, bebe no longer thinks “no” or “impossible” or “maybe” – but rather “in time” which makes me EXTREMELY happy. I can deal with looking at a situation and saying it’ll take time, but I was frustrated when everything that came from her was a negative, “no, impossible, never, maybe” vocabulary – because now we both believe it will happen.

In terms of physical contact, honestly, I can’t even TELL you how grateful of the advancements we have made. I’m not the one who was uncomfortable with it, so ALL the credits go to her for making those feelings surface. This is all HER doing and I’m totally appreciative of that – because there’s nothing I can do to make her feel comfortable, all this is her initiative, self-power and perseverance. This is also the reason why I “reward her” a lot and give her encouragement, because I know this takes a LOT of effort from her to reach this point. I want to support her, but I also know what I can do is limited because this is much more of a “her struggle” more than my struggle. I’m a physically-comfortable person, while she is not… even with her girl-friends they’re still not the touchy-type. For her to accept my touches or at least be “ok with them” shows great commitment on her part to this relationship. Some have said I spoil bebe, but really, she spoils me too by putting so much into this that I can’t feel that I’d want to give her anything other than the best.

It wasn’t until I got home that I shouldn’t have chosen the particular shorts I bought over. They’re a “light material” and that’d be problematic if I ever had an erection, LOL. I guess I don’t really get hard in front of bebe, mostly because it’s a self-control and respect thing for her. As much as I think she’s sexy and stuff, I know she wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that I could sexually excited in front of her, so I have enough respect for that not to get hard. At the same time, I also wouldn’t be super-embarrassed though if I did get one and she saw it. The reality is she’s shy and all, but I also don’t think she doesn’t know ANYTHING about “natural reactions”… if it happens, it happens -woopidoo! Plus, it’s not like she won’t see my penis one day anyways, lol. This date, I also spent more time looking at her body… it’s so yummy 😀 I found some “excuses” to touch her/poke her, haha – see the reason why I do that is because I know if there’s a ‘reason’ at least it wouldn’t be discomforting and stuff. If I were to randomly tell her, “I want to touch your arm” – then she’d probably have a problem with that, haha. I hope she’ll let me just randomly touch her soon, I’m starting to feel really edgey 😆 and I don’t even mean groping her at private places, I just like sometimes putting my hands on her just as a sign of affection and assurance. Her body is so wonderful so that’s why she should share it with me, haha! She’s an excellent flirter and it scares me where she gets that experience from 😛

A great night either way… the hugs, still quicker than I’d like it to end and I would hold on to her longer, but when I feel her “pushing away” then I definitely wouldn’t want to just grab on and not let go – that’d be rude. At the same time, I also hope that we spend more time embracing each other and it’s not necessary just “when I leave” that we do that. Either way, another happy night minus my killer headache. I had been thinking how pitiful it is that I will probably miss her period again this coming week or something and then ended up with a bad-dream about bebe. When I woke up, I was so glad it was a dream because that dream was definitely not a nice one! I went to the washroom and splashed my face with water to make sure I was awake, because most of the dreams I have about bebe are always good. I guess I’ve been too annoyed with this whole, “catching her on her period” thing that’s been sending my temper off a bit. I should suppress those thoughts and annoyance though before I get angry or something. She’s trying to make this relationship work so I shouldn’t be pressuring her about being open with me about it, but I just can’t believe how much luck is so rotten that with all the times we’ve been out, not a single time she’s been around when she’s on 😐 BLAH.

%d bloggers like this: