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Moms Say the Darnest Things…

So let me start by talking about a little “incident” over the last week that has been kind of creepy (although, positively creepy). About 2 weeks ago I had a coworker who is a big fan of psychics and each year, about this this time of year, they come to our city. Ever since my dad passed away, each time she goes to the psychic, they would be always sense my dad’s presence as not only were they coworkers, but great friends as well. At around 8PM the night she went to the psychic fair, she sent me a funny message saying that my dad came through “very strong” and that he was asking about what happened with the car (I recently had work done on my car due to some fuel efficiency problems) and that he is waiting for his grandchildren now! I laughed and although it’s always nice to hear things about deceased loved ones, I guess sometimes you are skeptical about how reliable the information is or how “real” these things are. Suffice to say, our family is what I would deem as a “spiritual” family… we believe that there’s more to life than what meets the eye and although we are not highly religious of sorts, we do practice our faith to a degree. While I would hardly consider ourselves “devotedly religious” by any means, we also don’t think that human life is as simple as birth and death.

I did not show my mom the message yet because my mom yet, although I did show bebe who got a chuckle. A few nights later, my mom woke up in the morning and was in a very cheery mood because she told me she had finally seen my dad (via a dream) since he hasn’t “visited” in a while. My mom is one of those people who sometimes I wonder if she has “special powers”… because many times things she saw in dreams have become ‘true’ or has manifested itself in one way or another. I’m not going to say EVERY dream she ever had happened, but certainly, I’m always scared when she tells me about her dreams. She said that she saw our family (including my dad) enjoying a gathering with her best-friends mother (let’s just call the friend E and her mom C). Also in the same night, my mom also told me dad had a conversation with her and asked her to tell me, “呀仔加油畀心機追你嘅女朋友!” (My son, continue your efforts in chasing your girlfriend!). Like I said, sometimes I am skeptical about what my mom tells me from dreams because she has an “overactive mind”… but what I’m going to tell you to follow is freaky. However, assuming that dreams can sometimes help bridge “human life” and “spiritual life” – I’d be very happy to say that my dad approves of bebe and that we will have a successful relationship as long as we’re willing to devote effort into each other.

3 days ago, E called my mom and told her she was very excited because all of a sudden her mom, C… called E and told her that she will be coming to Canada as a “last minute” plan to enjoy the start of Canadian spring. My mom was shocked… because just a week ago, she had a dream about C being in the dream with my dad and our family at a gathering… How could the dream have been so realistic, is this something my dad was “telling” my mom that she would be coming? E & C are very good friends of our family, so therefore we’ve always had a great relationship with them so it wouldn’t be a surprize if my dad “reported” to my mom to expect a visitor. My mom had this weird look when she put down the phone.. I guess shock and surprize. C has not come to Canada to visit E (her daughter & my mom’s best friend) since 2006 because of some major injuries and surgury. All of a sudden, after my mom’s dream, days later C actually called E telling her that she was coming and gave her the itinerary.

Ok… so yes, we could all say this was just an “unusual coincidence” that my mom dreamt of a gathering with my Dad, our family and C… but dreams after often “recollections” of things that have happened or manifest itself into our minds… but this situation that was predicted HASN’T HAPPENED and in fact, just “became true”… I guess in a way, it validates that sometimes my mom has this unusual nack for connecting spiritually with my father (after all, they WERE married and soul-mates, this wouldn’t be a surprize) and also, dreams I have about my father are usually very strong and supportive. Many times, I’ve had things my dad told me to be aware of through dreams really did come true. It is kind of freaky. At the same time, this is a very warm feeling knowing that dad is always around to protect us and to give us guidance when we need it. Most importantly, I know that my dad, even beyond the grave, approves of bebe and he encourages me to pursue her love. Now with my mom and dad’s approval of bebe, I’m all in! Hey, my love-life has steadily improved with bebe and I think she is even to begin feeling a little – so thanks to all the blessings of (living) family and friends and also that of our ancestors and the heavens.

Yesterday, I mentioned to bebe that in the near future, I’d like to open up a bank account for her and put a bit of money in every week so she’d have some extra money to spend. I have only did this with ONE other serious girlfriend before and I’m always very careful about it… after all, I don’t want to be used by a gold-digging girl. Furthermore, I’ve used this in the past as a “test” to see how well the girl manages money, responsibility and practicality as well. Although I’m going to wait until bebe and I are on better terms, I have a feeling that this relationship will become successful. She mentioned that one of her friend’s boyfriend does this as well and thought perhaps this is “common” — I told her this is HARDLY the case. I’ve asked around my friends before and most of them are like, “Dude, are you stupid? You should NEVER give her girlfriend money like that…” and most of them don’t even see that happening even POST-MARRIAGE, let alone dating. I questioned myself to make sure I “felt” the want to give bebe some spending money as well as whether it is a SMART choice to make – because we all know money can ruin women 😛

Through major deliberations, I decided to run the idea through bebe to see what she says. She of course said, “Oh you don’t need to do that” – but I couldn’t tell if it was the usual “girl humbleness” to not make herself look like she WANTS that money, or deep down she really loves the idea of having two purses to spend (her parents and mine, lol). From what I’ve seen, bebe is fairly responsible with money, that is why I even contemplated this in the first place. I still need lots of in-depth time to “study” what kind of person bebe is… I mean yes, I do trust her, but I am also practical in the sense I’m not stupid enough to let a girl take advantage of me. I do want to know without a doubt that she is trustworthy and not playing me for a fool. This is not only the case with money, but even for other things. Deep down in my heart, obviously I trust her, but on the surface using LOGIC – I definitely have to keep my smarts about it and not let my emotions consume me. I guess we will find out her genuineness in time. I went to the bank to give her some money yesterday, something nice for her to spend while she’s out there with her friends and stuff, I want to hope that was the right decision.

So today my mom asked me while shopping what we do about handling bills. For the most part, 9 out of 10 times, I would say I pay the bills or any type of dating expenditures. Am I really old fashion to think that the guy always has to pay? I know that especially in an era now that we “casually date” and that there are “open relationships” – dating couples have opted to do 50/50. Maybe I’m too old fashion to accept that a girl should pay. My mom asked because she wanted to know whether bebe ever bothers pulling out her wallet or that it is in her expectation that I am always the one paying. My mom likes to know details because people in relationships are often blind to things… she just wants to make sure I’m not being used. Even my mom said, when she was young, many guys would offer to take her out and every night, she could always get free dinners if she wanted to. Likewise, my mom said that I have to be smart about watching how bebe is treating me, whether she is being equitable in paying when we go out. After all, she doesn’t want her son being rung dry by a girl who simply wants “a good night out” with no expense to her. Bebe certainly has paid for our food/activities before but I think she also won’t get into a fight with me about it, LOL. Although I love bebe very much, I am still “cautious” of these things, so I’m not totally blind yet by bebe, haha.

Date One: Yes, Make the Offer
Most men want to treat on the first date. He wants to show that he is in fact a gentleman. This fine young man will reach for the check when the conversation has settled a bit, pretend to check the figures, and take out his wallet. What should you do? Ask if you can contribute by paying the tip or part of the bill (be prepared just in case he takes you up on it). This is your way of acknowledging his gesture. We just want the offer. A sweet thank-you is also appreciated. That is all men really want — some simple recognition. But, do not go further than making the offer — do not insist on paying your half, even if you’re having the worse time of your life. This is like saying to the guy, “I could never be interested in you.”

Dates Two and Three: Actually Making a Contribution
Out for dinner once again, maybe a movie this time, or bowling or a dance club, etc. Some money is being spent somewhere. Again offer to contribute. Again say thank you when he insists on paying. However, this time find some way to make a contribution. Examples: Buy the popcorn at a movie, buy a round of drinks at a bar, buy some ice cream after dinner. Many guys will say that is not necessary, but it is definitely appreciated.

Dates 4 and Beyond: Time to Insist
Most men like when the women take the wheel for a night or two. Once you are “dating,” you should plan a night and insist on paying. This gesture again is a nice way to recognize that you appreciate your guy being generous on dates one through, and now it is your turn. A nice guy will offer to contribute and it is okay to reject his contribution.

Having read some articles recently, it does appear that “bill splitting” seems to be common on dates now. Weird for me, but I guess that’s how society is moving now – or even if you don’t split the bill, at least make sure the night is “even” between the parties… i.e if someone paid for lunch, then the other should pay for dinner – or something like that. I guess the thing is that a lot of these rules apply to “casual dating”… and right now, I don’t think there’s anything “casual” about bebe and I, lol. Any guy who even thinks about going after bebe right now is asking to cut their lifespan considerably as a bullet will find its way to their throat very quickly. But anyways, bebe has always done her share and has never made it an issue to cover any remainders (especially when cash is involved, OOPS) or to pay the outstanding tip or whatever. It seems like lots of people recommend “talking about bill-splitting” – but that’s an awfully weird conversation to have.

1 Talk about how to split the bill in the first few weeks of dating. Ask your date if they want to always split the bill so no one feels obligated. The beautiful part of this is since you both expect to pay there won’t be awkwardness when the bill arrives.

2 Take turns paying. If your boyfriend paid for dinner last time, just grab the check when it arrives! This way you can go back and forth and it’s essentially the same as splitting the bill.

3 Split the cost of the evening instead of splitting a single bill. When you’re going to dinner and a movie on a single night, ask the person you’re dating if they’d like to pay for the movie or for dinner, and tell him or her you’ll pay for whichever they don’t choose.

4 Avoid being insistent about paying. Some men and women can actually become offended by the idea of someone constantly paying for them (or even paying just once). If your date says no and insists on splitting the bill, it’s best to just agree.

5 Be honest when you can or cannot afford to split the bill. It’s better to just let your partner know you’d rather go to a coffee shop than to a 5-star restaurant.

Tips & Warnings

Set aside some money for every time you go out, specifically for the purpose of splitting the bill. It’s best to always assume you are paying for your share so as not to appear like you are taking advantage of your partner.

Don’t make taking the bill on yourself a habit. The more you pay, the more it will become expected, and you’ll be stuck every time you go out with paying for the meal or the movie. Offer from time to time, but also ask, “Wanna split it today?”

Interesting on that last one about the “warning”… I wonder if it’s true. I’m not sure… right now, maybe I’m being stupid, but I consider bebe “just like family” and my sweetheart… I try not to think of us as “you” and “me” – but rather, “us”… so what’s the big deal about spending our money? I think most people would say I’m playing a dangerous game here, allowing a girl to: get money out of me, have dinners & activities paid for, her personal chauffeur.. etc. Am I being too innocent or is it because I’m so committed to her I feel there shouldn’t be a separation? I’m sure there’s always a risk of being used, but seriously, bebe treats me great and if she wasn’t being genuine about her feelings for me, she could use me but give me NOTHING in return and I’d still be enough to do it. The fact she’s making a very real effort, I would like to assume/feel this is all real and not fake.

I’ve also noticed that bebe isn’t very picky when it comes to choosing a place (in the sense she will not always demand we go “somewhere nice”)… we can eat nicely or eat casually – that to me is very important. If she asked me to take her to a nice place EVERY time and expected me to pay, then for sure my mind would start noticing something wrong. I dislike wasting food, so I always try to not over-order and I expect the same of bebe. I would never have an issue for paying for food she can eat, but I would be upset if she ordered lots and didn’t eat it. Having a “bit of food left” at the end is very different than “ordering a table full of food to eat a plate.” I love the way that bebe makes me feel good about never having given me flack for places I’ve taken her in terms of whether it was “up to her standards” e.g high-class restaurant versus a locals joint. I think I noticed that most when I was with her in HK where she was more than happy to accompany to eat at not-so-nice places. I followed through by reading a question a reader posted up on the AskMEN site… http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove_100/132_relationship_expert.html entitled “Does She Love Me For My Money?” – it makes you think although this is definitely NOT how I feel about bebe.

My mom said she recommended me to sometimes stay at home and do things with bebe and just cook together. Bebe in the past have told me she dislikes when we eat at home because she has to do the dishes. I always tell her I can do the dishes if she doesn’t want to. I don’t want this to become a valid excuse for her not to eat at home. My mom says that the “highest level of genuineness from a girl” is making a meal with each other at home. She should be willingly to make a meal for a guy, not necessarily “the best meal ever” – but showing that she doesn’t always want to just dine out and that cooking as a couple is not simply the objective of “putting food in our mouths” – but a FUN experience of COOKING TOGETHER. This isn’t something I’ve never thought of before, in fact, the past month I’ve been always offering to let’s cook at her house. It has hurt me that each time she always uses the “dishes” excuse… and let’s just say IF dishes are a problem, can she not at least find it in her to eat at home sometimes? Sure it is a hassle, but I’m not asking her to do that on EVERY date, just that being able to spend time in the kitchen with each other, learning a new recipe or trying a new meal – even if we FAIL it, at least we have an experience and memory. Right now, this is the only thing I’m kind of upset about on why we HAVEN’T done this yet – why does she a) use the same excuse, b) not just be willing to do the dishes regardless of the complaint and c) learn to appreciate some home-cooked meals with me. I like “variations” in my life… I do not expect her to invite me over every night to eat, but I also don’t want to go out to eat all the time and not have HER at least sacrifice a bit of her unwillingness to do the dishes/make a mess as a justification for not being in the house/kitchen. I kind of got annoyed when I was looking at pictures I had saved on my phone with bebe, I could clearly note she had parties with her friends at her house (with the kitchen clearly visible) – so my challenging question to her would be why you let YOUR friends come over and prepare food in the kitchen, but not ME? This has only been a small matter for me, but I can slowly feel it manifesting inside me towards dissatisfaction of “equality” between her friends and I and the lack of motivation for her to “do something for me.”

Anyways, last night really ended up well so I don’t want to let something small make me question her motives and feelings. I need to be more positive about outlook at things she does because sometimes her actions does make me think, but at the same time, I’m not going to be too hasty and judge her too quickly. Obviously if something’s amidst over time, then I will act on it, otherwise, it may be just a simple “phase” thing that she’s going through. Maybe it just doesn’t cross bebe’s mind that something as simple as “not offering to cook at home” is not offensive, but to me, it makes me wonder WHY a girl who I’ve been with this long hasn’t at least offered once to make something for me at home but fobbing me off with excuses. I know her kitchen isn’t in the best condition or the most romantic setting, but come on… If I have to pressure her to do it, then it has no meaning. Sometimes I think we need to do things from the heart and not simply because we have to be “asked” to do something. Maybe this is the problem with girls who have not had more relationship experience, so maybe I do need to “teach” her these things or explain to her “this is how I see the current situation”… but ya…. well who knows, maybe she’ll kick up the role a bit later. Even if she doesn’t know how to cook a lot, at least we can make “quick-fix foods” or she can even feel motivated enough to LEARN something just for the sake of making a sweet-dinner.

My mom truly believes that girls should be “responsible” as well when it comes to paying on dates… it’s not a matter of being so calculative as in… the bill is $50, so therefore you owe $25 and I will pay $25… but a matter of that there should be equality and an acceptance of responsibility and not being the rung through the dryer. I don’t mind bebe not always paying particularly because she’s still using her parents money and not earning any income, so hopefully she’ll start being a bit more prudent about us doing stuff together around-the-house and making food together as a way for us to “become closer.” I know for the rest of my life I will be catering for bebe and that’s MY fault for loving her so deeply and to allow myself to do that… but I also want a bit of that ‘return’… which bebe has told me she’s not ready to return that sacrifice yet… but everyone has a tolerance level and it’s like those nuclear reactors in Japan… those reserves can withstand a degree pressure, lack of water to keep it cool and can go without maintenance for a bit… but not giving it water when it needs it and letting it wear down to a dangerous point is a recipe for an explosion. I don’t want to ever have to reach that point where I need to point out to her that she treats her friends better than me and that she’s not being “fair” about it and have me even become explosive on her friends – because that won’t be nice… maintain those reactors, do patch-work, be diligent about keeping the water levels topped up and all will be fine. Excuses don’t cut it in a relationship, the only PRACTICAL solution is to do something about it.

Just like one of my annoyed friends use to say when he saw those “closed” signs on business doors, “Sorry, we are closed at the moment.” and he always hissed, “If you were fucking ‘sorry’ then you would be OPEN right now!” — lol… I mentioned to bebe that I’m free during the weekdays too if she wants to go out or whatever, whether she’s returning back to town or whether she wants me to go out there to meet her… I wonder whether she’ll actually heed it.

The Typical Date… Almost!

So another great date-night… isn’t it a great trend lately that I’ve been having great days? Life is starting to really become enjoyable. I mean look back at the history of my blog and you will see much depression and anxiety… often mixing in with frustration and anger. Today was a beautiful night with many reasons making it so. Today, bebe and I decided to do a “typical date” night.. you know, the whole ‘dinner and a movie’ thing – LOL. As long as we have been dating, we have not done this before, so it was a nice experience. We’ve always found very abstract things to do with each other, but a movie just “never came to mind” – or I should correctly say, it never came to my mind since I’m not a movie goer (but a movie WATCHER), but I see why it’s so enjoyable now. Suffice to say, watching inside a cinema is definitely more expensive than at home, but hey, once in a while it’s ok. Like I said, I want our dating to be “balanced” and “reasonable”… i.e going out all the time would become a burden, so being able to do stuff around the house is nice as well. If it was expected that every date is a dinner + activity + movie, then it’d get rather pricey… not that I wouldn’t be willing, but then I’d certainly have to cut back elsewhere.

Anyways, we watched BEASTLY [Starring Alex Pettyfer, Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen]… not a bad movie and although I would not say “wow” I wouldn’t say “nay” either… rather indifferent. That’s not to say bebe didn’t choose a good movie, because it was probably already one of the better one of all the ones we could’ve chosen from. Again, I tried asking bebe if she wants to hold hands during the movie… and still, no go. I had thought maybe she wanted to do a movie with me (it was her suggestion) as a “signal” that perhaps she is ready for some physical intimacy, but alas I lied to myself once again. I wasn’t upset… because I’ve kind of hit that point where I just feel that each time is a ‘chance’ and an opportunity for me to ask. Back a while ago, I would get frustrated every time bebe “rejected” me… but now, every time is a brand new chance and because I know bebe isn’t the type of girl to take initiative. I know I will have to continually ‘ask’ and one time succeed, but she would definitely not be the one to ask ME if I wanted to hold her hands or for her to offer. I can definitely see my level and tolerance and patience beginning to change to accommodate to her more resistant levels of intimacy. It’s a very sweet thing that I even see myself changing and growing “for” her. Had it been a month ago, I would’ve been very hurt, angry and it would kind of ruin my night. Now, I just accept it and think that, “next time will be another chance until she says yes!” – perhaps sad self-encouragement, but better than beating my self-confidence up over it.

During the movie, I did spot her body language… she sat “more to the left” when I was on the right-hand side. I’m not sure whether it’s just naturally her to shift to one side, I haven’t sat in a chair next to her enough to judge, or whether she’s implying she wants to “keep a distance.” Suffice to say, it took some time during the movie before I even mustered up the courage to ask her. When she shook her head, I felt kind of dejected… but hey, it has been THIS long already, what’s one more time? 🙄 Then about 10 minutes later, she tapped me and for a moment, my heart was really happy thinking that she finally changed her mind or felt that “spark”… but nope, once again… it was just because she wanted me to shuffle in so she could go to the washroom -__-” At that point I just gave up and didn’t want to affect the night by putting too much pressure. Many people often wonder why I ask, because it is always kind of weird… because usually things like that, holding hands, touching shoulders, embracing hugs and the surprize kiss is usually just something that “happens” and most people don’t ask for permission or anything. Indeed, it would give bebe less time to react and I would actually be able to pull it off, but that’s not the point. The point is, even something as simple as holding hands, is very akin to having sex. You do something, because you FEEL and WANT to… I want bebe to feel and want to hold my hands, not a matter of obligation or pressure. It’s kind of like having “loveless” sex (I’m sure plenty will disagree with me here, but this is MY stance)… sure, you have it and possibly even have an orgasm, but in the end, it has no meaning. I could grab her hands, hold it and she may let me without making a fuss, but if neither of us feels that “connection” – then it is a meaningless to hold hands. I want to always give bebe that opportunity to accept and that’s why I keep asking, so she feels like she doesn’t have to be the one to “take the step” – but at the same time, I also want to wait until she’s ready – and thus, I feel that meaningless hand-holding is like having sex with a stranger who you have no feelings for.

I know bebe could tell that I wasn’t thrilled about her not accepting, which wasn’t a huge “problem” for me… I’ve already been a failure this many times right? I don’t blame her, I blame myself… what kind of terrible boyfriend am I who can’t make his girlfriend “feel” like holding his hand? But anyways, bebe’s getting much better at reading me now, which is really nice. After we got back into the foyer of the cinema, I found a little arcade center there so I went in and took a look. She snuck up on me while I was reading the “instructions” on one of the games. I’m not sure whether she meant to or not… but she gave me this light little touch/put her hands on my wrist… I’m not sure if that meant anything, but it certainly made me happy. It didn’t go any further than that and she only did it for less than a second, so I’m not sure whether she pulled away because it was “an accident” she held me like that or whether it truly was something from within her.

Oh right… how did I even skip this far anyways? LOL… so before we went to the cinema, backtracking a bit, we went to a “jok fun mien fan” place… (Congee, Dough-Noodles, Noodles and Rice)… Hong-Kong style Chinese eatery. Bebe and I had some really interesting conversations and more importantly, they were very relaxed and close. The attentiveness to each other was high and we truly connected in those conversations together. The conversations weren’t even so much about “each other” – but just the fact the topics brought us together. Furthermore, we both got to learn stuff about each other and shared a bit of our history and stuff. The important part was there were lots of revelations about each other, so it was a very successful and informative dinner. I could tell that bebe was more “engaged” and also feeling very comfortable/open. Although having dated bebe for this long, I still get the ‘pre-date jitters’… even the hour before leaving the house, I keep on thinking, “oh, what are we going to talk about?” and try to think of topics… but it’s like whenever we get together, the topics just come naturally. It’s so beautiful 🙂

So I “formally” met one of her friends today… well, formal may not be the perfect expression, but more or less I got to meet one of her friends, was introduced and was not “an accident” like the prior time I met her friends. Definitely a nice girl and I’d for sure want to get to know her better, but I’m sure it’ll take a while to break the ice too. I was cautious this time because bebe had told me her friend is rather shy and that I should be careful about being too aggressive (conversationally) with her. Being an avid person who likes to “read body language” – I could tell her friend wasn’t ready to have rapid-conversation with me yet, so I kind of spoke to her on an as-needed basis and whenever I did, I also “included” bebe in the conversation so she would feel more comfortable communicating with me. All-in-all, I’m not sure what kind of “impression” I made on her friend, but at least I didn’t screw anything up. I kind of think how much it sucks that the reason why I even got to meet one of bebe’s friends was because I offered to fix her computer, but hey, at least I got to meet one… although I wish it was on a less “official” or “business-like” matter. Go figure that when I was introduced, she didn’t give me a title… haha.

So I dropped them off and called it a night. Her friend was definitely “smart” about it… she walked ahead in case bebe and I wanted to ‘do’ anything (ya right, I wish…. no goodnight kiss as usual) and to give us some privacy. I already knew at the start of the night that if bebe and her friend leaves together, she will not likely give me a hug. Still, every time I leave her I only get a hug if I ask for one, she never offers… in fact, we should not only be hugging when we part, but even when we first see each other and throughout the time we spend together. Intimacy should not only be for “occasion” or an “event” during the day. But anyways, yes, I realized if I was dropping them off, bebe would likely be “too embarrassed” (yes, because I am an embarrassment of a boyfriend) to give me a hug with her friend present, so I had already expected it. However, oddly enough, she stopped as she was about to close the door, turned around and gave me some parting words for the night. They were genuine, nice and made me feel good – perhaps I guess she knew I was waiting for my hug which I was clearly not getting, so decided to at least say a few things to me… The smile on her face… was amazingly warm and felt like she was “reaching out” to me, knowing that I wanted something that she wasn’t ready to give in the presence of her friends (which I suppose I expected/understood). Something about that smile of hers though… her smiles have always touched me before, but never like this… it was so gentle, as if we are finally “connecting” with each other profoundly.

Bebe and I are starting to become more and more like a couple, I can feel it and I can tell that comfort-level is growing between us. Though we are far from intimacy or even simple physical contact, I know that she’s definitely trying her hardest and that I am trying to do my best to be “Mr. Right” for her. Although there are times I wonder how it’s acceptable for her to want ME to change, but not to change for me, I guess she has it right when it comes down to the fact that she’s making much effort for herself to “feel” for me and that in itself is ‘changing’ her… I suppose people may REALLY chastise me for my “one-track mind” in always expecting my favourite type of information from her, so I’m just going to shut-up about it. To me, her telling me that stuff isn’t just simply satisfying curiosity, but a sign of comfort and acceptance. Until she’s ready to tell me more about that stuff, I still sometimes feel that pang. At the same time, I feel honoured and very special that she at least discusses SOME with me, so I should always bite my tongue and not complain. Maybe one day, just one day soon, she’ll whisper in my ears, “I’m on right now” and smile at me 😀 That would make everything great! See… maybe I lie and sometimes I do have a dirty little mind, but at least I’m honest about it. I can’t deny my “passion” for that stuff, but also, because bebe has been very generous to accepting my ‘flaw’ of loving menstruation. I wish I could stop using this as a “determiner” – because it’s not fair that I use this to judge her comfort with me – although she has admitted that night when I mentioned periods that she told me not to push back down her comfort with me which was a bit crushing/disappointing, but whatever, she DOES have a point which I can’t deny.

It has been a wonderful night we had and although I did not accomplish much in terms of making a “great” impression on her friend, at least I did get to finally meet one ‘officially’ and more importantly, tonight I could truly feel that “couples feeling” when bebe and I were together. More importantly as well was I also got to see how bebe is like when she’s with her friends and it’s WONDERFUL — because I need her friends to bring out that carefree and relaxed girl that bebe can only be when she’s around her friends. I suppose it gives me a BIT of jealousy that her friends can bring that happiness out of her while I can’t, but I’m sure it’ll come in due time! All that matters for now is we’re actually taking steps in stride now, rather than going backwards. I should not make this whole period-information thing a big deal (but can’t deny it makes me feel NICE when she does tell me things), because I always tell her to learn to appreciate me for who I am/what I do/that I’m around… I should heed my own words and be grateful for her as well, she is a BLESSING to me.

Still no hand-holding or a passionate kiss yet… but one day… one day soon – because I believe we can make it!

True Love is Worth Waiting for…

Ok well, from the sounds of this title, you would think that bebe and I somehow went further than usual… but unfortunately no quite yet! However, throughout my week of bitching and moaning about how bebe couldn’t spend my Friday birthday with me, I guess all this delay has really paid off. I must say, thinking about each time I report in every “date night” – sometimes I give too much detail maybe? Well, I’m going to try to make it fair for everyone… fair for bebe and I that we’re not divulging EVERY piece of detail about our evening, but also good enough where people can still see me as being “human” enough to feel connected to the author of the blog.

Tonight was absolutely magical.

It was a fun-filled day full of talking, not-getting-each-other-pissed off (VERY IMPORTANT, lol) and activity. The place we wanted to eat at was closed on Sunday… I was rather pissed off, not with bebe, because it was my stupidity to not check. Damn people, not opening on Sundays when you’re in the food industry is like severing your wrist. We ended up finding a similar place about 20 minutes away, but the place I originally chose to eat at was “out of the way” so that wasted a good half hour or so. Well, wasted in the sense of gas and traveling time, but definitely NOT wasted in bebe’s glorious company! Normally I would not be too concerned, except for those who live in Ontario and have taken a look at the gas prices lately, then you’ll know where the hurt comes in. I have taken a look at my gas consumption compared to the same time last year and I’ve used quite a bit more. Last year around this time, bebe and I were not on “good terms” so we didn’t see each other much… huge savings on gas, LOL. Now, don’t you ever dare think I’m complaining that I’m using more gas – I’m just pointing it out – because bebe is worth every penny I put into filling up!

When we were on the way home, we ended up talking about an assortment of things and one happened to be about bebe driving. I thought it’d be a nice idea to throw it out and see what she said, I asked whether when we got back to her place, we could go for a spin. I wasn’t expecting such a positive response, but I sure as hell got one! I saw her face light-up, as if she too, were excited about it. We decided when the sun went down a bit as to not blind us but wasn’t pitch dark, we’d go out for a ride with a two-fold objective.. one, to give us some practical experience with someone next to her just to keep an eye and two, I just wanted to be a passenger of hers! Now, what’s the big deal about her driving right – and you have to know me to know why there’s a significance. I’ve had bad experiences with “learner drivers” before… so as far as I can recall, I’ve declared to myself that I would not sit in a car with a driver who has less than 3 years of qualified (as in, fully licensed) experience. I find it hard to trust someone who has too little experience to have MY LIFE in THEIR HANDS. Even my friends now, who have had their licenses for a good 7-8 years I don’t trust and that’s why I often drive to places myself. We like carpooling, but I offer to drive rather than sit in someone’s car. Suffice to say, bebe definitely does not have 3 years of qualified driving experience, but I trust her enough to have taken me. She kept tabs on me just to make sure I wasn’t afraid or anything as she drove around… I felt relaxed and I only took extra caution to look around when she was parking, mainly because both the places we went to to park, the spots were very tight and definitely not good areas of a “beginner” to be backing out. As you can see, the faith and trust I place in her by handing my life over to her driving shows much of how I devote myself to her without faltering.

Another thing that made tonight beautiful… was for the first time ever, she mentioned “date ideas” … offering for us to go on movies. Interestingly enough, we’ve been out a handful of times now and never have we gone to a movie. I know movies are the typical “date locations” but not being an active movie-goer (not that I won’t go or dislike it though), it just has not really brought much interest, especially because she hasn’t expressed much interest either. When she mentioned, “Hey, we should go for a movie” – my heart filled with joy! Never in the course of us having been together has she taken INITIATIVE to express her thoughts of where/what kind of date would interest her. Now that I know she has all the intention of going to movies once in a while, then I certainly won’t struggle as much to come up with activities!

Magical item #3… proximity. Today, bebe was probably the most “un-shy” she’s been with me. I hope this is certainly a growing level of comfort and that I’m not being “rejected” as much by her body language. Finally since the first awkward date we ever had, bebe actually lied next to me on the bed. Even when I was using her computer, she sat across from me playing on her phone. She is so fucking beautiful and cute, I believe in God creating such a perfect and great woman as bebe! Sure, I was half-glancing at the computer, but the other half of my eye and concentrating was checking out my wonderful little girl sitting across from me 🙂 I felt so warm and like we could finally do things at ease. There’s always been this awkward air of discomfort when she’s close to me and she can’t be “herself”… this time around, she did her thing, I did my thing, we would both give a glance to see what each other is doing and return back to concentrate. THAT is exactly the type of connection I’m looking for, this type of dependent independency, LOL… not even sure if that’s a real expression, but IT IS NOW in my books 😆 You know, the type where we can “be together” but also maintain our “own style of living.” Although we said little while she played on her phone, her body language was EXTREMELY relaxed and she was as natural as can be! Although we were both on the bed, facing each other, I could feel the warmth and acceptance that we can share “common space.” Although we are not exactly on top of each other with our clothes off, this is a very positive step towards building comfort within the relationship!

Magical item #4… similar to the item of proximity, but also some flirting and light touches. Although throughout the night we were in close proximity, a few occasions I was able to pass off some light touches and gentle contact. A couple of times I got to feel her warm fingers against mine and my back against her leg. I know that most people would laugh at how such a small thing could bring so much happiness, but if you were to read back and realize how emotionally tight bebe was to me, you will know something like this is MUCH IMPROVEMENT. I guess some Chinese people would refer to what I did as 搏懵 … but that’s not so much the case, I would say it’s rather just “testing” and “encouraging more” physical contact. I didn’t go so much as to trying to grab her or harass her or anything, just doing enough where I could feel physically close to bebe but without her being offended. As her fingers grazed mine and my body rested lightly on her leg, I cannot deny the bright lights flicking within me!

Magical item #5… bebe paid for my meal and offered me food at her place. Weird to think this counts for anything, but it’s rare bebe offers me food or drinks at her place.. she usually makes staying over “less inviting” that I will leave quickly, LOL… but not the case today! I need to learn to carry more cash around, because this Chinese restaurant we go to accepts cash only and last time we went there, I had just enough to cover the bill. Today, I didn’t realize we were going there and once again, didn’t carry enough with me since I like to card everything. The only date that bebe ever offered to feed me at her place (does not matter whether it is a snack or drink) is on our first date and never since then… today, we got to chew on some candy and chocolate together ^__^ very cute!

Magical item $6… our conversations were close… we could talk about a lot of topics and many involved “us”… which she did not act all weird about or object to it. I mean sure, this doesn’t mean she’s still totally ready to accept me in her life, but hey, it’s at least a step forward. Also, we could talk about more “sensitive” issues. Only caveat through the entire night that I could even say I was not too thrilled about was that she still likes to bring up Malaysia a lot – which is not an issue IF she didn’t feel overly attached to wanting to go back there. As the night progressed, I noticed she talked about wanting to go back less and less, but at a few moments during the day she said she wanted to pursue her education back in Malaysia and that really put a dent in my heart, but I’m glad now that her demeanour has changed to really thinking this relationship will work out well that it gives her enough of a reason to stay. I know that bebe is in a life-time dilemma… stay for a guy who loves her, or go home to her parents and homeland. I’m not even going to say how hard of a choice that is… and I also can’t be “brave” enough to say that I would encourage her to go back… I’m not going to lie about it and make it sound like I could accept her leaving. I care about her… and want to continue to have her around to throw all my love at her.

Magical item #7… she listens, acknowledges and analyzes things I say. Throughout our conversations, she now responds accordingly to things I say, not just skip over them or ignore them. Also, even though there were still certain answers we disagreed on, we were able to acknowledge each others point-of-view respectfully while expressing our own thoughts/feelings.

Magical item #8… She’s starting to put my needs/desires on her platter as well. Today was UNPARELLED for where I felt like she really DOES care about what I want as well out of this relationship. Prior to today, I had the feeling that all her actions revolved around what she wanted out of this. Today, I felt as if our thoughts/care for each other was merging together, where we could both share thoughts and be considerate of the desire the other person has… to me, this is important, because one of the most damaging thing she said to me before was that she couldn’t feel the happiness in sacrificing for me out of love… today, she made those steps forward. Maybe it’s still not “love” for her yet, but it sure as hell is providing a foundation of building blocks!

Magical item #9… She wore my necklace… WOW!

Magical item #10… a VERY SWEET hug to end the night. Still don’t get the patting on my back, lol, maybe it’s just the way she hugs, but the hug was tight, long and embracing. No more quickies and running away. Bebe always gives this shy smile after she hugs me and I’ve never been able to determine whether she’s just smiling or more of the embarrassed/blushing type of smile. Nevertheless, why ask right? It was AMAZING.

Magical item #11… she openly left her pads for me to see on her shelf 😀 Ok, so again, to the common person what’s the big deal about this right? Well, normally she’s a very “private” type of person, so to be able to walk into her room when it is in a realistic state and where she can have the most intimate of items sitting on her shelf openly for me to see is a winner right there. Oh, pants, shirts and panties on the ground when I walked in… AWESOME! lol.

Magical item #12… she didn’t seem to have a desire to kick me out of the house today. Sure, I kept her busy with games and stuff, but even so, I could tell that she can “stand” me more now… I was surprized she even mentioned having dinner (after our “early dinner”) because I thought she’d just want me to get the fuck out and go home, LOL. It was so nice to see that she is putting effort in to allow me to stay longer and not make an issue of it. She was pleased to have so many new games to play and if that’s enough of a distraction where she doesn’t notice me, then great! 😛 But speaking of which… the tone in her voice when I told her I was leaving and she asked, “Oh… you are going home now?” was very inquisitive and awww..you’re leaving already? feeling. Sure, she might have already wanted me to go and hadn’t pointed it out, but from the tone of her voice, it was as if she thought I was “leaving too early” and wanted me to stay longer. Of course even hearing that voice, I did not want to push my stay TOO long.

Magical item #13… we TRULY TRULY hit it off well tonight. I can only hope we continue to do so and enjoy each others company. Also, I want to solidify her willpower to STAY HERE with me. I still have a bit of reservation about her wanting to leave and yes, I COMPLETELY understand her point of view… but sure, shoot me for being greedy and wanting to keep her! Nevertheless, I can tell that she is being much more considerate and highly conscious about putting me on the edge talking about it. It was only twice tonight she made a point of “leaving here and going home” which still worried me but was diluted by night.

The last and final magical moment wasn’t exactly with bebe, but it is about her. When I got home, normally I take my time winding down and getting back into “home mode.” Today… I could not. Today, I got home, said hi to mom, checked in to make sure everything was ok, started some computer work and went into my room. I had a fucking jerk-off frenzy today. I could not STOP thinking about bebe and I could not imagine how much pleasure I was getting from it. The feeling of it was ecstatic, just thinking about how cute she is, how wonderful our life will be together and how she will be an excellent partner to have in bed with me 😆 Another great night with a great orgasm… oh those poor kids, so many millions of these kids just shot out to waste, LOL. Can’t wait until those kids actually MAKE a kid with bebe XD So many of them daily risking their life and losing their life just for the sake of me thinking about bebe, haha.

Bebe posted something that was very sad to me. She mentioned something about being a failure and although I understand there’s been a lot going on in her life lately, I felt so hurt to hear her FEEL that about herself. Everyone HAS failures, but no one should need to FEEL like a failure. Today, she’s proven to herself that she has that power and strength to not have failed me at all… but made me a very proud boyfriend without regrets to loving her.

Now… the only last reservation I have about this is whether all this “happiness” and “visage of relaxation” around me is just her trying to make sure nothing goes wrong for my “birthday” day…. I hope not, because I don’t want to falsify impressions and perfection… but I noticed all her dealings with me today were very genuine, so I cannot believe that everything she’s done and felt comfortable with was “just a show” to make me happy or make-up for it… but rather, if we can continue our dates like this, I think we’re well on our way to REAL and EVERLASTING happiness!

I’m going to sleep now, on a very happy day, on a very happy note… and with hopes that bebe and I will be able to spend nights with each other, not just me going back to my house 😀 Mind you, sleeping together and SLEEPING together are two very different things 😛

Accepting Responsibilities For Those You Love

For most, responsibilities pile on as you grow up, some earlier than others. While I consider myself unlucky, I also consider myself lucky when “compared to others.” My dad passed away when I was 22, leaving me with much pressure to “grow up quickly.” I consider myself lucky because I had a wonderful and unparalleled father for a whole 22 years of my life and because many others in this world, lose their parent, parents much earlier – some will have never experienced their parents love other than birth. Suffice to say, it is always nice to simply be grateful for what you have. Moving forward, I’ve had to take on the responsibility of taking care of my mother, something that any PROPER and FILIAL son should do… or I should say, something that any child should do.

Over the 4 years without the protection of my father, I’ve had to take on much of the responsibilities around the house – and by that, not necessary domestic chores as those are still handled by my mom who I wholeheartedly appreciate, but that of all the other “problems” when they arise – whether it is getting finances in order or making such the next meal hits the table. The stress sometimes is overbearing but at the same time, I have to stay strong. I am definitely not alone, in this vast world, I am like many… I do not claim myself to be a martyr or some kind of superhero that is above others. However, today I had a revelation about growing up and simply accepting responsibilities because you have to.

This all came to me as I was out shoveling the snow. Yes, weird place to be “inspired” eh? Today has been an interesting day, with me driving half-way to work before realizing that work was closed today. Good thing I didn’t go all the way there before finding out. If I had known, I could’ve just rolled back in my bed and snoozed again. It was pretty treacherous in the morning waking up to piles of snow. We had been told to expect 5-10cm, but it was definitely more than that. As I shoveled my way out to work, it was not unusual since I’ve been doing this all winter. I usually do it myself because I’m the one going to work, not my mom, so I don’t expect her to help. When my dad was around, shoveling was always considered the “men” duty and also the “fatherly” duty… so before I got up, my dad would usually have the driveway cleaned and I’d just hope in my car and drive to work. Yes, now I look back, I was spoiled, so now I have to hold up this responsibility now. Surely, I cannot expect my mom to do something like this! Furthermore, it wasn’t until recently she got her pills to control a thyroid problem which elevated her heart rate, so the last thing I need is for her to go out and shovel snow for me – that’s not right. All this revelation and stuff happened because the feeling of being out there was ominous and depressing. I was out there and as bunched up as I was, the sleet was slamming against my face, winds blown against me, fighting the cold and the snow blowing in my eye.. having to stop every time the wind blew hard trying to hold my balance – it was a very gray mood. I thought to myself why people cherish life so much when this is what you endure.. and I mean there’s bigger problems in life than snow, LOL!

When I came back home, I just lazied around the house for the afternoon until I decided to look out again. Holy, the snow had not stopped and the driveway was once again high. I got my snow-clothing on and out came the shovel from the garage. This time, it was HORRID compared to the morning shovel. As I pushed from HALF of my driveway width to the other, the snow was already tight enough where I could push no more. The snow was wet and heavily packed in and was not the nice fluffy stuff that’s easy to move around. I decided to bring out my (very shitty) snow-blower, which had failed the last 3 times I’ve tried to use it. In this entire winter, it has only worked once. I will endeavour to buy one for the next winter, however, this thing is a piece of shit. I’ve already been angry with it the previous times, but with how bad the snow has been, it only compounded the situation. As I tried to start it for the 5th time, I had enough of it. I took my shovel and slammed against it. I hissed under my breath that if it still didn’t start up, it was forfeiting its life. Pulled on the engine rope, sputtered and no-go. That was enough of that, I drew my axe out from my garage and beat the shit out of it. My mom was yelling at me since she hates it when I get furious. I admit, I can have a temper sometimes, especially when things fail me. I do not tolerate failure of things like this and it pisses me off, especially when I need it most. If it is not willing to cooperate, why should I keep it around? I now have a partially destroyed snow-blower. If I was any less rational, I would’ve loaded both my guns and shot the shit out of it. Things in my house do not defy me unless they want to be blown to bits. Luckily, I was still in the right mind to know that shooting a gas-filled snow-blower is not very smart.

I continued to plow the driveway and while doing so, that’s when it dawned to me the thing about growing up, taking up responsibilities and also accepting the fact, these will likely be on-going responsibilities, sometimes with increasing complexity. As I was pushing the snow around, I thought to myself, this is going to be pretty much how the rest of my life will play-out. Whether I am plowing it for my own or not, my responsibilities extend beyond my “own” life. I thought about how in the future, it will likely be me getting up at dawn, plowing the driveway and making sure the kids and bebe will be able to get to work and school on time. I realized that I may need to be the one to drive them around, whether to school or to work on bad days – while still having to get myself to work. I realize that I may need to have breakfast ready when they wake up and pack their lunches… things I don’t have to do now and simply never bothered crossing my mind about having to just be grown up and letting responsibilities evolve from easy to hard. I have to return home, get dinner prepared, kiss the kids and bebe as they walk through the door, smile – even if my day has been shit. It’s just about being responsible to carry your own burdens and not pass them to your family. At night when bebe and I lie next to each other, I have to make her feel like she’s in the spotlight, even if I want to be the center-of-attention. I have to listen to her talk while I’m dead-tired. Nevertheless, she’s my baby, I chose to marry her and have wonderful kids together – these are my responsibilities and choices. Where once shoveling the driveway was to ensure I could get out to work, it will mean so much more when I have to do it for our kids and do it for bebe.

There are many obligations we have in life, whether we are prepared for them or not – life does not care. Life does not care whether you WANT to deal with them, they throw it at you anyways and EXPECT you to. I asked myself, am I ready to take on these responsibilities? Am I ready to be a good boyfriend, a good husband, a good father? The only thing I’m sure of right now is I’m ready to be a good son – or so I try. These responsibilities are something we choose to sacrifice ourselves for – I realize that once you have “others” involved… your life is not simple anymore.. you are not thinking for 1, you are thinking for 2 or perhaps many. Such is growing up and that is perhaps why some people choose to stay single or not have children. You’ll notice that many couples who do not have children are often much younger for their age – because they simply do not carry the same stress and burdens. They need not consider saving money for future-planning and they don’t have to worry about leaving money behind. They can earn a dollar and spend a dollar. They don’t need to stick to a schedule that revolves around someone else. However, as much as all those things sound alluring, I would have to say I still love the family life. As much as it will suck that I have to get up before bebe and the kids to and prepare everything, be the one to fall asleep last after having tucked them away, I’m willing to do so. Knowing that I have a world full of responsibilities waiting for me as bebe and I get serious and bring new life into this world, I stand steadfast and anxious.

These responsibilities are often sacrifices on our behalf. Responsibilities come with rewards and also comes with much juggling. What is the most important to tackle at X time or is Y-item more important? Everything bears on your shoulders and perhaps I’m thinking VERY old fashion, where the guy is the “man of the household” (I can hear the feminists knocking my door now), bebe and the kids rely on me to stay strong and to protect them. The protection may be physical, emotional, psychological or just a sense of security, but I cannot be the weak link… I’m not being strong just for me, when I may feel like breaking down to cry, but I have to be there for them. Just a few nights ago when bebe was yelling at me, she told me she couldn’t feel that happiness when she gives/sacrifices for me. It was like being stabbed in the heart and the knife being slowly pulled out. How would you feel if someone you loved and cared for told you something like that? I was stricken… I felt like as if my whole life had just washed away. Although now things have calmed down and perhaps those words were simply said in-the-moment, the pain still needs to be diluted. Honestly, I wish I could delete those words from my head, as easy as I could delete it from my phone, but alas… such is not the case. Even now when I reread what she wrote me, I get shivers down my spine.

In a way, I’m kind of looking forward to having more responsibilities and as tough as it may be, it’s a good indication of happiness. Sometimes there’s no way you can put into words how to pay someone back for how they have helped. You cannot put a price-tag on everything in life and although waking up at 6AM to make breakfast for bebe may not be the most thrilling prospect of my life, if even she gave me that smile and kiss before she goes past the doors in the morning, all of a sudden, that alarm going off at 6AM may not suck so much. It took me a lot of time, considering whether I wanted to buy bebe’s Valentine’s Present, because it is the most I have ever spent on a girl before. The present was very much from deep down.. that is.. deep down from my heart and from my pockets, LOL. I’m not going to kid you, that set my credit card quite a bit and that’s why I want her to wear it often. I hope she brought it out with her this time and wore it… and that I can see that beautiful necklace on her when I see her on Sunday. So many small things in life mean so much… more than what people could ever place a “value” on it.

Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved

Hrm… maybe I should not have used the word “loved” – but hey, it’s much catchier title. Today, talking to my cousin about my many love concerns, his maturity really helped me see things through. I definitely consider my “ways of thinking” to be older than my own age, but it always helps to talk to someone you can truly trust for great advice. I’m an interesting person because I have friends of all ages, all from teenagers all the way to the retiree. Because of that, I make a great social networking (not the Facebook type) because I’m not afraid to reach out to those younger and those older. Although I usually do not burden those around me with my concerns, they are always willing to lend an ear, a hand or whatever help I need whenever I speak up. I’ve talked to handful of people only about my relationship with bebe, because it is complex, sometimes frustrating but then I also go on my very long raves about how amazing of a girl bebe is to me!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

Kissing in a beautiful sunset - I can't wait until that's bebe and I!

I look bad, thinking about how the past 2 years I’ve known bebe that transpired. Do I regret it? Do I regret reaching out to her in the first place, introducing myself and sending myself into a year of torment and half a year of being ignored – for the sake of the past 4 months of happiness? Do I regret that this will all be a waste of time if things don’t work out? What steps do we take from here? Do I play it nice or do I have to be a rough-guy to get bebe’s attention? All these questions floated in my mind when I talked to my cousin. I think to myself, there is nothing I regret about this relationship. Ask me to re-live it all over again and I would’ve made the same choice, to love bebe like I love her today, even if I have to go through the years of pain. The pain is not over however, as I still struggle every day worrying whether she will stay with me. Every day, I lose a few extra strands of hair over the stress she causes me – but I’d have it no other way. Ask a loving parent if they would still have that naughty child of theirs if they could turn back the hands of time and they will fearlessly say, “Yes I would.” That is the same way I feel about bebe, I will love her until death do us part and I want to take care of her in this lifetime to eternity.

So why does my topic title say, “Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved” you may ask? It is because as I was reflecting upon everything in our relationship, about me as an individual and about her as an individual, I take time to bring my thoughts together, analyze what she has conveyed and said to me and it makes me very happy. I cannot say that I do not wish more out of this relationship right now, but certainly, we are not moving backwards. Although I’ve briefly mentioned this in comments to one of my best friends on my blog before, I thought about all the things that bebe has pointed out to me – things that I perceive differently or only something that she can point out for me to see. Because we are both different people with a different mindset, sometimes she has to say to me, “You are important to me and I can prove it because…” because not everything, I hold in the same regards as she does or do not place the same value onto it. Let me explain further.

DISCLAIMER: I don't expect sex on the first-date, this pictures is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

DISCLAIMER: I didn't ask bebe for sex on the first-date, this picture is JUST FOR LAUGHS!

On our first date together, she let me into her room. In fact on several occasions, she walked out of her room, leaving me unattended. It truly shows her trust in me, even though our first date, we hardly known each other. Was she not afraid I’d steal something? Was she not afraid I’d leave something bad in her room? On our first date, we also laid next to each other. No one here knows bebe well enough to know that she is a very conservative girl – probably the most innocent girl next to being a nun. To have each other on the same bed (I stress we didn’t DO anything), is a deep sign of comfort. I had “gone further” that day than she had intended and she wasn’t comfortable with it. I held her hand and even her shoulders when we went out, she didn’t lash back. Later, she was honest with me that she was uncomfortable we did that on a first date (even though I had felt comfortable in doing so). To not make the situation awkward, she didn’t express it to me at that time. This shows the respect she had for me to have considered my feelings. Up to today, she’s given me second chances… in fact, LOTS of chances for us to rekindle our relationship and not have sought another guy, that shows lots of loyalty. Last but not least, recently she’s expressed a lot of things she’s been doing all along on our behalf – to make this relationship work. We have known each other for a long time, lots of downs and lots of ups… but the weird feelings she has not ever been able to express, she’s trying to fight it down and has put forth much effort because whether it shows or not, I am “someone special” to her. To me, this is above and beyond commitment.

Lets look back at everything I’ve highlighted in red. Trust, comfort, honest(y), respect, loyalty and commitment. These things are the core principle of any outstanding relationship. While bebe and I have many steps to take together, I feel so positive about it, more so than ever before. The difference with this time around, even SHE believes we can do it. Before, it was all optimism on my part (as far as I knew, I could be wrong) that my love will help light the path for her… but now, even she’s beginning to crawl towards this glorious path we have yet to walk together on. Although her feelings for me are still buried deep down within, she is willing to bring herself to draw those positive feelings out for me and that she can play a big role in moving this relationship in the right direction. I am touched and honoured, to have met her and to be given a chance with her. I am blessed that I will one day be able to “officially” call her my girlfriend, my wife and the mother to our children. Combine all those values stated above and we know that by no means is this not a sign of love, whether we’d like to believe it or not. The proof is in our worldly history, omnia vincit amor a Latin phrase from Eclogue X by Virgil – love conquers all.

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

Artist Caravaggio: 1601–1602 (Oil on Canvas) |Amor Vincit Omnia|

The reason why it is so important to reflect upon things in life is you find yourself transcending above what normally passes through your mind. Also, it allows your mind to set into place of someone else. Bebe and I are individuals, we do not see things alike and therefore, what she holds in great value, she has to point out for me to understand. Likewise, certain gestures and things I do for her from my heart, sometimes she does not always see and I have to point it out to her that to me, such an action is of great importance or represents something that I do only for her. We both put innumerable and indescribable effort towards this relationships – most of which the other side is blind to seeing. I cannot even describe all the things I do for her to win her over and likewise, I cannot fathom what she has to go through to bring herself to a level of comfort to accept me. We both have our faults, faults – not as in blame – but faults, as in our inability to express the struggles that we BOTH put ourselves through… and for what? For the sake of each other! Still, what does this all have to do with my blog entry title? It is because it sucks to be wrong that I complain about bebe not putting in effort or seemingly blame her for not showing that I am someone special in her life. As much as I dislike being wrong in life (as much as it happens), this is one of those situations that I’d much rather be loved and be wrong.

She puts into perspective that if I’m truly not “someone special” to her… she would not have even bothered going this far for us. She could very well pack up, leave and have her “old life” back – something which as much as our relationship is strengthening, still a very worrying factor. She is letting me take her out of dates and regularly keeping in touch in an attempt to open the doors of communication to each other – that is something she repealed for a year until she felt like she could partially accept me in her life. By bebe making that step to talk to me again, she sealed the fate of my happiness and also gave HERSELF a second chance at having a guy who’s willing to love her 101% – which is not just what “any guy” can give her, THAT of which I am certain (yes yes, I can have quite the self-confidence sometimes). Now constantly, she is making great strides into bringing me from “someone important” to “someone she cannot live without” and that is an ABSOLUTE BLESSING for me. I cannot even convey in words, how much her actions mean to me. Someone on my blog said to me that it seems like I’m more unhappy with bebe, rather than being more happy with her. I replied saying that really, only the two people IN the relationship truly knows what it feels. I can only speak for myself, but without a doubt I am happy with her and count the day I have met her to be the most wonderful day of my life. A lot of people count their wedding or when they have their first child as the best day ever… but I’m realistic and consider that the day we met IS the day that I will cherish forever because without that day, the “best day ever” of being married or having children would all be impossible.

It is imperative that bebe and I continue to have the drive to move this relationship forward. Once we hit that point where we are comfortable enough to let things go on “auto drive” – then we know that nothing else could possibly go wrong. We have been through so much with each other that I think that hardly anything in the future would be as great as an obstacle as this. The good thing is that once bebe knows that I am ‘the one’ and that she can settle with me, things will simply fall into place and we don’t need to suffer through the latter trials which other couples endure. I suppose I’d much rather “suffer now” – than “suffer later”… and suffer I have already, LOL! I feel very lucky to be that ‘someone special’ for bebe… I just hope that soon, we can get rid of that love-sucking monster that’s inside of her so that she can EXPRESS that love to me and that finally, she can fully absorb the love I want to give her!

Although I had thought that love is an definitive moment of an accomplishment and that when bebe one day utters the words, “I love you” to me that it would be THE everlasting dream… all of a sudden, I realize that as my love grows for her each and everyday, that it is not about waiting for the final outcome, but that as a well known quote said, “Love is a journey, not a destination.” Although bebe doesn’t quite love me today or tomorrow, she will one day and her love for me will grow just like mine has for her, we will look back and remember how we got to that very day and that the journey we took to get there!

Every time I go to the temple to pray, I ask the heavens to bless bebe and I…
百年好合, 白头偕老, 早生贵子 and of course most importantly, 永结同心!

Cold, Hot, Cold — Warm?

Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.

Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.

We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.

We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.

We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.

So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!

With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.

Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…

I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?

On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀

The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.

I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?

Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.

I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.

Friday Night in Heaven

Friday Night HeavenYou know what a Friday more awesome than Friday’s already are? Getting to spend it with the girl you love! Damn tonight was pretty great… and I was totally surprized by bebe sending me a message to see if I could pick her up. I mean, there’s two ways I can see this… 1) she looks for me when she wants something from me, or 2) she wants something from me but would also like to see me. I’m hoping more so #2 is the case rather than #1. I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone, picking her up from her friend’s place in another city, bringing her back and also spending some quality time with her – but I also don’t want to become this “slave” to her bidding – I do want a nice balance of “I’m more than happy to be a nice guy and do things for you, but I’ll expect I get some appreciation from it” and I think that’s a pretty fair expectation. Appreciation can be shown in many forms and tonight, I felt pretty warm inside when I went home.

You know, bebe and I aren’t the typical couple at all… you know, most “new” couples go through the whole attached-at-the-hip stage. I don’t think we’ve really gone through that phase and that’s why I always consider bebe and myself to be living more of a “matured” relationship rather than a new one. When people first get involved, they find themselves not being able to be apart for more than second. The second the person leaves their sight, they want them back. When going home, you just want to tell them, “Aww.. can’t you stay for just a few more minutes PPULLEEASSEE?” – those are the true signs of a ‘new’ relationship! For bebe and I… we can pretty much survive without seeing each other for a while, yet pick up where we left off. And no doubt, I do miss her when I don’t see her for a period of time, but we’re also not exchanging 500 text messages a day or chatting via IM. We are more like the “been together for a while” type of couple – we do our own things, get together ‘if we have time’ and very docile couple.

Inseparable CoupleI suppose one of the few complaints I have about when we get together is that she always makes it seem like I’m more of a bother being in her presence than when I am not. For instance, I was just lying on her bed and I wanted to just rest my eyes because I’ve been so exhausted driving for 3 hours. A bit of understanding and a girl would offer to let you get a few moments of shut-eye for a SAFE drive home. Instead, she tells me I’ve “seen her since 3” and it was 9PM at the time. So I saw her for a total of 6 hours when I haven’t seen her for a week and that is already “too long”… I mean, really, fucking really? When I think of spending dating time, even “once a week” is too little, let alone less than half a day of time spent together is not enough and she’s already complaining about me staying too long. More so of the fact I just wanted to close my eyes just so that I can concentrate on driving home. I would not dare expect she even offer to let me stay the night, because we all know that won’t happen, but to even let me rest a moment – I was denied that.

I left her a spot for her to sit beside me, she purposely moved her laptop to the table to use it rather than sit next to me. I was slightly perturbed and wanted to hit the wall, but I decided against letting my temper take the better of me. So I finished taking her to buy groceries, out for dinner, bringing her home from a different city, helping her with her computer and she can’t even sit next to me and have a nice talk or something together before ‘suggesting’ that I leave. I hate the distance she casts between us… yet at the same time, many moments throughout the night, we’re so close to each other and things are like having heaven on earth. There’s a major issue when you feel 6 hours with someone is too much, what happens when you’re under the safe roof and have kids? You want to throw your kids away after they’re born 6 hours later? I mean if there was consistency though with her actions, I would consider it legit. Yet, she sees me for 6 hours and thinks I’ve stuck around too long, but she’s stayed for week-on-ends at her friends place, seeing them for many more hours in a day than she sees me, yet she doesn’t get tired of being with them – that’s the only reason why I get frustrated with her claims, because it doesn’t match “all around”…

Bebe and I tonight had some pretty lighthearted conversation 🙂 I’m quite happy and content with how tonight turned out, minus being a bit grumpy when she practically kicked me out of the house, LOL. Ok, so it wasn’t that severe, but it was rather unprecedented. The reason why I usually spend so much time with her on a single day is because we don’t spend enough days together. Let’s just say that we regularly said, we’re going to see each other several times a week or even specific “date nights”, then that’d be all fine and dandy. But we don’t have set days we see each other, so it may be 1 week or 1 month that I don’t see her again. It’s kind of shitty that way, because that’s the REASON why I always linger around, because I don’t know when the next time she’ll be available again. If we spent more smaller periods of time over a week together, I’d be less inclined to always stick around after activities. The thing is, she already has this super bad habit of ignoring me, whether by Facebook, MSN or whatever.. I’m starting to lose reliable methods of contact, when I send her a MSN message, I don’t fucking know whether she gets it because she likes to block, unblock, hide and all that rude shit that who-knows-why someone can justify doing that to someone who cares so deeply about her. This isn’t a matter of blocking the random freak you met at a bar or your ex-best friend who stole your boyfriend, she’s finding ways of “hiding” herself from the man who wants to give her a world – is that fucked or what? I’ve already told her, I’m insistent that the more she hides from me, the more I will find things out about her and her friends in more resourceful and probably, more defiant ways.

No communication accessIf she was just honest to me or say if she didn’t feel like chatting to just tell me, “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “Sorry, now’s not a good time” rather than treating me like I should be ignored, I’d be much more amiable and feel better about myself. Today, we ran over the topic of confidence and I was about to mention to her that sometimes that lack of self-confidence I have is because she steps on my confidence level. To me, I like to reassure her that she is my one-and-only girl on my mind, that she’s absolutely beautiful and not even her most ‘beautiful’ friends could beat her out and that practical and justifable things that she does, I would support her without a doubt! To me, when it comes to communication, all she does is make me feel like shit, make me cry and completely hurt when she feels it is NECESSARY to hide/block me from communication methods. It’s a good thing that having some knowledge about breaking Facebook and MSN that I can still manage to get by some of the sneaky things she does to me, but lets face it, I should NOT have to do those kind of things against the woman I love. The communication sometimes even has breakdowns where I may say something and she’ll just have no reply. This isn’t just even by text, she even does that in person 😆 and sometimes just replies to me in grunts… I thought replying using grunts was a guy thing to do? Like when we watch TV and girls are disturbing us, we just grunt as a reply, HAH.

You know, most girlfriends keep their boyfriends as the one person who can find her in the MOST ways possible. I let bebe know every way she can get a hold of me, even a private number that I don’t tell most of my friends. I have her able to see me on Facebook, MSN, or any other communication method even if I don’t let others see me, because I want to be fully accessible to her. In her mind, she needs to be fully accessible to everyone BUT me… that is a shit-can-in-a-toilet-bowl. Please feel free people to tell me how such an action is justifiable under the scenario where we are supposed to be open, trusting and loyal to each other? So I had left my remote session desktop open on her computer, luckily I didn’t have any of my tools active, LOL… and I just casually mentioned to her she hadn’t talked to me on MSN since Feb 26th and she says, “Oh, that isn’t so long ago”… um.. it is Mar 4th today honey, that’s quite a friggin while. Anyways, enough of a bitching, I just get frustrated with all the excuses she has because it “only applies to me” and no one else 🙄 The good thing is that I can be assured bebe will never be a criminal… or at least not a good criminal, because she’s a terrible liar 😛 she couldn’t hide the most important of things if she wanted to XD

So we finally did some domestic stuff today like buying groceries together. We are such a wonderful couple XD I mean, I look like a servant ‘cuz I follow behind her, but I feel so gosh-darn happy just seeing her shop and being able to walk around with her, help out, discuss things – very “family-like” feeling, just like mom and dad. In both of the markets we went too, I was being a good boy and avoided going to my favourite section as not to have to drag her to look at stuff with me, haha. Although come to think of it, I do need to ask her to buy a package for me at T&T which apparently for some reason, I seem to be afraid of buying that stuff at Asian places – maybe because there seems to be more eyes and people here tend to be more judgmental!

So what a beautiful night and we wrapped up it nicely with a nice tight hug. I was even surprized at her pulling me in close and the force she managed to do it with, LOL. I’m a pretty big guy and not easy to move… and she’s this cute tiny girl who apparently has quite the power to pull me in an inward motion successfully 😀 I felt so close to her, her body so warm against mine and for a moment, we were one – our hearts beating one on another… soooo sweet it’d make anyone melt. Nevertheless, it was rather rushed as it was quick, abrupt and out the door, rather than savouring the moment. When you give people intimate-type hugs, you hold them and want to be inseparable. For her, she hugged, wrapped up and practically threw me out the door, lol. We just need to work on some physical intimacy and getting used to the feeling of each other and that’s it, our relationships is flying up, up and up! 😆

Improvement is goalI feel so blessed today at how great my Friday was,  despite my complaints, they’re just areas of improvement for us! I hope everyone else had a beautiful Friday, good night 🙂 Amy, I won’t lie… I’ve spent the entire night fantasizing about bebe, LOL… such an awesome experience 😉

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect & Having Standards vs. Being Picky

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

There's bebe and I in the future... LOL! Except.. I'm not as good-looking XD

I really like these articles I find. I’m into self-improvement because I really want bebe to love me and find ways to be a more effective boyfriend and one day hopefully, husband. I think there’s no person too “perfect” to believe that they can always be better, while still being satisfied with themselves. Satisfaction, yet striving to improve are mutually independent things. One can be happy with who they are, yet continue to believe they have space to grow! “Beauty is in the imperfection“, I love it! 😀

Is Your Relationship Too Perfect?

By Sara Koonar (www.29secrets.com)
Why disputes and disagreements are a good thing

Is your relationship everything you’d dreamed of? Or is you idea of perfect not making you as happy as you thought it would? Arguments, challenges and set backs are what make us stronger and help us create a lasting bond. When you find Mr. Right and things are going smoothly, a little too smoothly, you have to wonder how you will grow as a couple if you have absolutely nothing to work on. Without those bumps in the road, our relationships become boring and unproductive. Building trust and falling in love means completely tearing down your walls and showing that person who you really are. No one is perfect, and if you are pretending to be something you are not, you simply can’t be yourself and you can’t be happy.

Anger is a Good Emotion
Constant disputes or never agreeing on anything can be a stress on most couples, but the occasional fight can help improve our communication skills and help us hash out our feelings. Keeping everything inside and putting on a fake smile is doing you and your partner a disservice. Being able to be open up about your feelings and opinions is what builds a strong partnership. Feeling comfortable enough to show your ugly cry or scream at the top of your lungs means you trust that person to love you at your lowest points.

Love is Blind
If you feel you need to act, dress or look a certain way that is opposite to who you are in order to make your partner happy, you should take a look at the sacrifices you are making and consider whether or not they are worth it. The greatest part of a relationship is being able to be yourself and know that you are loved. Wanting to be beautiful for someone is one thing, but completely changing to fit into someone else’s ideals is not okay. Stand up for yourself and let your partner know that you like who you are and they should too.

Beauty is in the Imperfections
If you can laugh at his loud snoring that keeps you up all night or tease him about his not-so-suave dance moves, loving your partners “imperfections” is what a great relationship is all about. Knowing what makes each other tick or finding out his deepest and darkest secrets is what makes your bond special. Having that connection with him is priceless and more perfect than a relationship that is based on shutting up and smiling through it.

I wonder if my bebe has “standards” or is “too picky” XD I guess I’ll have to find out the hard way 😆

Having Standards vs. Being Picky

By Nora McInerny (www.29secrets.com)
How to tell the difference

You know that it’s better to be single than to compromise your standards. Your coupled friends, your mother and your gynecologist insist that you’re being a little too picky. So who’s right?

Standard:
Having a type. If you know that you’re a preppy princess, then you can feel free to weed out the skinny hipsters from your banker boy dating pool.

Being Picky:
Okay, so you like your guys clean cut. But is it necessary for any man you date to wear exclusively Brooks Brothers, part his hair on the side, have a perfectly hairless chest, drive a Saab and own a vacation cottage? When you’re looking for one specific person, you’re going to miss out on a whole lot of quality humans.

Standard:
A gainfully employed gentleman who takes pride in his career. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who is interesting in building a secure and comfortable future with you.

Being picky:
Wanting a dude with a career you’re specifically interested in bragging to your friends about. Not all the good guys end up being doctors or rocket scientists, and who knows? If you expand your horizons beyond the astronaut you’ve always dreamed about, you just may meet the insurance actuary who will sweep you off your feet.

Standard:
Someone who has common interests. Life is more fun when you have someone to share the things you love!

Being picky:
Someone who has everything in common with you. You’re wonderful, but you don’t need a carbon copy of yourself. Breaking up with a dude who doesn’t share your list of desert island movies or whose iTunes Most Played list makes you cringe is going a step – or six – too far.

Sometimes these articles are nice, because it gives ideas from angles that I would never see. Men and women are distinctly different in how they think and perceive things… and I mean it could be said since we’re all “individuals” – but men and women often have attributes that are “like” their ‘own kind’ (as in male/female). I laugh whenever I ask my girl-friends things about bebe or how women perceive things and they often all have a resounding similar answers to each other, while when I ask my guy-friends, they often all reply with thoughts similar to mine 😀 I don’t try to make an analysis out of everything, but it is almost amusing to see how sometimes our brains all walk on the same line 😆 Something that makes it harder is that bebe doesn’t think like the “typical girl” all that time, so I end up not always being able to rely on my girls for “girl-like” advice XD HAH!

Credit Card Shock

Ok… so really, I’m not that shocked about my current credit card balance (and only ONE of them too, LOL), because I’m quite aware of my spending. If you have been paying attention to the blog, you’ll also know I’ve been trying to actually “utilize” my money and actually spend more of it to entertain and/or generate some monetary happiness, so it wasn’t like I “wasn’t expecting” to see these numbers. It is shocking only because I rarely see it this high 😆 .. and plus, I needed a catchy topic title, harhar.

I was going through my list of like 20 some-odd transactions, trying to figure out how much of it was pleasure-related and trying to separate it from business-related payments, since I also run purchases for my own company through this particular card. Looks like this month, I’ve spent quite a bit for ‘personal’ use and the numbers are starting to rack up. Just this weekend alone I spent quite a bit of money, particularly on food, haha! You know those weekends that you just go out and spend money like crazy? This was one of them. You’ll feel the pain a month down the road when the bills come flying in, lol.

And if you think these numbers actually included my plane ticket or spending in
Hong Kong, I’ll have you know those amounts were cleared a long time ago and all this spending contributing to the following picture is all from the past month since I’ve returned to Canada. I suppose I should really bend over now, lube up my ass and just wait until the next credit card statement lands on my desk.

Current owing amount and the billing period isn’t even over yet…

My ass hurts... $$$

My ass hurts... $$$

And so I proceeded to read an article which made me laugh because I realized why I spent more this year (other than my changes in spending habits) than any other during this-time-of-the-year…

Valentine’s can be considered an economic stimulus that helps to boost sales in between Christmas and Easter. According to Reuters News Agency, for Valentine’s Day 2011, the average American couple will spend $189, which is three times more than what singles generally spend on an average date ($67).

Man.. people go on expensive dates, LOL.. actually, I never calculated how much I spend taking bebe out. Come to think of it, I might actually spend more than that in a day with her 😐 Eep! There’s a good reason why bebe and I don’t go out every night, I’d be poor afterward XD

According to estimates from the National Retail Foundation, the average person will spend $116.21 on Valentine’s Day merchandise this year, this figure is up almost 13% percent over last year’s $103.00. Overall, this will bring total Valentine’s Day spending to about $15.7 billion.

 

Some people barely have money to eat, and here we are spending over $100 on gifts… ick.

The survey also found that overall spending is expected to be up this year. Consumers will fork over $3.5 billion on jewelry this Valentine’s Day, up from 2010’s estimated $3 billion.

Woooo, I’m part of the statistic this year! LOL.. I’m contributing to that 3.5 billion, haha.

No changes are expected on who will spend more; men will spend the most on Valentine’s Day gifts. The average man is anticipated to spend $158.71, more than double what the average woman will spend.

 

That’s bullshit 😛 Why do us guys have to pay more? 😆 I thought men and women were supposed to be equal in societal standards now, haha.

According to Reuters, young professionals plan to spend $255 for Valentine’s with their significant other.

Hrm… how to define young professionals?

I was just talking to one of the girls at work today and she pretty much said as well Valentine’s Day is really a waste of money – or rather – if you’re going to buy gifts or do sweet things for your partner, that can be done any time, rather than on a “specific day”… and yes, while I agree with that, it’s also nice to mark a special occasion like this. However, give it a few more years and when bebe and I get married, v-day may not really be all that special 😀 HAHA!

I think it’ll be very quick that the next time I check my credit card tally that it’s going to be pushed over the 3,000 mark.. ooohh boy. Looks like I’ll be eating Mr. Noodles for a while 😛

My First Meaningful Valentine’s Day

You know, having been with a few girls over my years of life, I must say this has been one of the most touching Valentine’s day I’ve ever experienced – well, at least for now – I’m sure bebe will make me love her more and more every year! Nevertheless, it took me a bit of time to consider whether I’d actually say this because it would seem rather unfair to my ex’s. With me ex’s, I never want them to feel as if they were an unimportant part of my life, because they really are and all with the exception of one, I still keep in (relatively) close contact with. My ex’s have helped me develop my relationship aptitude and helped me explore and engage myself in ways I never thought possible. Each one has paved the path of who I am today and that lucky for bebe (HAHA), she will hopefully get to be my final recipient of my love. So when bebe and I get married one day, she owes the way I treat her to all my ex’s who’ve made me the person I am today XD

But anyways, lets set the whole unfairness thing aside, this valentines I truly “feel” it… and I guess perhaps this relationship has delved into more serious emotions and connections than ones before. My most recent ex was probably the most unfortunate one because it was pure lust and perhaps we both used each other to satisfy our “rebounding” feelings. Having been with L for quite a few years, it took me a long time before I could even be with another girl… It wasn’t until 3-4 years later when my heart could even consider another person. L and I had some pretty good Valentines day and we certainly made it special for each other, whether nearby or afar, however, this Valentines with bebe so far away, I still feel super close to her, as if she was sitting right next to me with her head on my shoulders.

Then of course, many years ago, those teenage relationships you never expected to go real far. High-school relationships were either, 1) for pleasure, 2) for status quo and mostly, 3) experimentation. Unfortunately I never dated a girl for #1 which I’m not sure if I regret or not 😆 HAH! For #2 I thought was absolutely useless because a person should not rely on “a partner” to have a specific status within school and so of course I dated for #3. Back then, girls were just someone you’d hang out with after-school, do things with when you’re bored or just someone you could confide in private with… but really, I don’t think at that point a person can truly appreciate what true, lasting relationships are about… people come together and people fall apart in a whim, without repercussion. “Easy come, easy go” was a serious reality. I always thought to myself how disgusting it would be if I were to sleep with a girl who I know every one of my best friends have slept with or “been inside” with – urg, the thought is sickening.

I think it’s very common now that people adapted to the whole, “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy – if you’re with someone, it’s best you don’t know about their relationship-past or sexual-history. To be honest, I would think 4-5 years ago that I expected any girl that I’d be with to be a virgin (and by virgin, I mean REALLY virgin, as in no sex of ANY type, whether oral, anal or vaginal), but truly, I don’t expect any of the girls I know to be virgins anymore 😀 lol – it’s just not realistic. Bebe has always been interested in my past relationships, as she was always curious in knowing why my previous relationships failed. For me, I probably prefer not to know how many guys she’s been with, what they have done together and I just pretend that there was no one before me, haha, it’s much more settling that way.

So I came to this realization that this valentine is probably one of the most heart-felt one was due to the fact I truly truly FELT COMPELLED to get something for bebe. I know that she’s not big on receiving gifts from me, she’s one of those modern “financially independent” type of girls, but she certainly didn’t reject it either. I actually gave her a few necklaces to choose from and go figure, from all the choices I gave her, she chose the diamond one 😛 how typical girl, haha. I don’t mind though because if I offered it, then obviously I already budgeted to buy it for her initially. It was just amusing that when I was at the jewelery store, all the girls there that I know quite well from buying there a lot, all agreed that bebe would likely pick the diamond one because you know, girls just LOVE diamonds 😆 They said, “A girl will always buy the most expensive one that their boyfriend offers” and I laughed – because bebe did indeed choose the most expensive one.

My gift is not actually in this box...

Getting this present was not without hardships though. When I asked bebe the first time, they actually had a 10% sale going on and by the time she responded, the sale was over. I was still going to buy it even for regular price, but I decided to go to the store to bug them like a typical Asian to see if they would honour the discount even though it was technically over. Luckily, they told me they were restarting the discount due to popular demand the next day, so I told them I’d go make the purchase then… however, I also found out the necklace that bebe wanted was also out of stock at the store I usually go to, BLAH!

I was like OMFG, lol. I was trying to figure out whether they’d get it in and they suggested me to go visit other stores. Alternately, I could order online, but I’m not big on buying something before I actually get to see it, ESPECIALLY, when it comes to expensive things or jewelery. If I’m paying this much for it, it better be the guaranteed quality, correct diamond and gold karat composition and be the exact style as shown in the picture. So I was frantic of course, HOLY SHIT, I started scrambling to every store around the area possible to find it and if I couldn’t find it here locally, I’d drive to nearby cities to get it if I had to. So finally I found a place that sold the exact one bebe picked up and I was so happy! I always watch those movies and think how nutty guys are to look high and low just to get a gift for their lover, but now I truly understand the feeling and reasoning behind it… it’s such a huge disappointment when you can’t get the thing you wanted for someone you care about – so you’ll do ANYTHING just to get your hands on it. So I ordered it and then picked it up just yesterday after work. I left work early so I could “beat the rush” as many guys and gals would be picking up there Valentine’s gift after work due to the discount.

So can you believe it? Today, my mom goes on to “casually ask me more” about bebe. Not only that, but she “advised” me that I should make sure I take [bebe’s full name] out for valentines lunch/dinner to make up for the fact she’s not in Canada now. I can’t believe it, my MOM actually told me I need to take bebe out (not that I didn’t plan to, lol).. but she made it very clear that I SHOULD, haha. Since when did my parents become that involved in girls I like? 😛 Not only that, but I’ve never had a girl in my life who my parents cared so much about whether we actually stayed together, lol. Other than L, my parents didn’t care much for these girls, haha… in fact, the last one I had they utterly hated XD – ok so I guess that proves they did care about the results of my last relationship because they didn’t want me to end up with that girl :lol:… on a totally AWESOME note is the fact my mom: a) wants to get to know bebe more, b) actually remembers her name, c) seems to approve of her, and d) interested in helping me keep bebe and have a future with her … and of course not many people who read this blog know my parents, but if you did, you would realize that a, b, c, and d mean a lot given how little my parents have ever shown approval for a girl I got involved with. They did inquire (or I could say “blame”, hah) me for failing that relationship with L… and funny enough, even though my parents never met her, they seem to really like her. Who knows why… maybe it was ‘cuz she is SUPER PRETTY, haha. I still remember when I went out to Toronto to visit L one year, my dad was picking me up from the GO Train station and asked me why I didn’t try to kau (date/woo) L, but at that time, we had already broken up because she left me for a better looking guy 😦

In case anyone wonders what I got bebe… here it is! I’m actually quite proud of getting her something, not that I shouldn’t or something, but you know – I just feel good about myself and I don’t think there should be something “wrong” with that feeling. It makes me feel warm and tingly inside and even though she might not be quite ready to reciprocate my love for her, at least she acknowledges it, which is important 😀 I cut out the picture below so no one (unless you really like to backtrack links…) can find out where I bought it from and mainly that I’d get in so much shit for buying something so expensive for her, LOL… My friends were like, “You know.. most people only start buying diamonds for their girlfriend when they’re like… about to get married.. not just when you guys are starting out” – but hey, we’re not really ‘just starting’.. or well, the whole situation is complex, but at least we’ve “been seeing each other” for a good year and a half now, so it’s not like we’re total strangers or something and plus, bebe is such a good girl that she’s totally worth spoiling!

How bebe has somehow mesmerized my entire family into liking her, I have no idea, LOL. She’s managed to meet only two of my aunts plus my cousin and my whole family is all happy over her already. She only exchanged a few words with my aunts and maybe a few paragraphs with my cousin 😛 I mean, I know my family has a habit and talent of judging people quite quickly in even the smallest exchange of words and obviously, they all seem to think she’s an excellent girl for me to be with and that we’d make a great couple. I don’t mind them thinking that of course, because it gives me the support/encouragement, as well that I know she will be a great “fit” into my family since everyone’s already given her the “thumbs up” – and particular in Asian families or I should say my family, that approval is extremely hard to earn/obtain! Even my mom agrees that I should “put forth effort” towards bebe, so I can always claim that my own taste/judgments of girls can sometimes be questionable (à la my last relationship, lol), but so far, everyone I know really want to meet her and think we’re definitely relationship-material and I’d say if I couldn’t trust myself in my own feelings for bebe, I can definitely trust others who are normally quite demanding of girls I’m with! All in all, this is a great sign – or at least for the family part. I still have to of course, win bebe’s heart over 😛

I went to Niagara Falls today to enjoy a show and a dinner and it was a great day, but at times like these, I really wish bebe was around here with me. I know she’s having a wonderful time with her family back at home (in fact, even HOME home!), so I while I do miss her greatly, I have to hold back my greediness back and have to respect the fact she has her own family and there’s more to her life than just me. Nevertheless, even if she’s at least thought of me once a day, whether for a split-second or for minutes, I’d still feel really touched and special in her life anyways! There are still a lot of struggles for us in the coming days, weeks and months, particularly with getting her settled here and solving “geographical” issues. I really want this to be the last relationship I’m in… because I love bebe so much! Surely given that there are so many people who can clearly see and even feel how much I care about bebe, that soon bebe will truly feel that she means the world to me and stay by my side and let me love and care for her – forever and always.

and of course… I like when people ask me questions like what’s posed in this song, I can answer using a music video… HAH:

The Temptations – My Girl

And because EMI Publishing is a bunch of fucktards and won’t let people stream off WordPress but can off of Youtube, you have to go there directly to listen to it. When I have time, I’m going to find a way around that. And you wonder why people don’t buy music legally anymore? Why the shit should I buy music when music companies do stupid stuff like this? I hope everyone keeps downloading illegally and puts those idiots out of business until they start embracing the real world. When I see their CEO’s begging on the street for food, I’m going to shit on their heads.

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