Ah, today’s just one-of-those days. It’s just 8ish right now and I’m already laid down in my bed and rolling around. The weather has been great today and right now, it’s a beautiful scenery out my window. I stepped outside, just to capture a few great shots. Other than being head-over-heels for my girlfriend, the next thing I’m in love with is my new camera. Yes, I’m hardly adept at taking great photos, but sometimes I see photography like art. As long as I’m happy with the shots taken and they’re expressive of my own feelings, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s praised to appreciated by others. I guess I’m rolling around because I’m feeling kinda down today. I haven’t checked the calendar, has it been a month since I’ve been emo? LOL.
Every once in a while, I’m just hit with this pang of sadness. It never was like this for the few months that bebe and I had regular contact. I feel so lost in this world without her, like I’m wandering aimlessly until she’s ready to pick me up again. It’s like this thick fog that sometimes clears up but at times thickens so much that you just want to scream but no one will hear you or see you. You wish that others could help you, but when you’re lost in fog, there is little that anyone else can do for you. You can wander and wander, only hoping that you will make it to the end alive.
I know this is quite unhealthy, no one should be subjected to pains from relationships like this, but that’s a moot point. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship before, will know how I feel. There is a saying that a person who falls and gets up is not a fool, but one who falls and stays down is a fool for life. I believe in that, I believe that only someone who has no goal, no direction and no willpower in life can never achieve success. I am heartfelt that I can achieve this goal, not only to fall in love, but to cause someone to fall in love with me. I admit that there are times when I have thought of things, things that maybe dark and sinister to think and do – things that I dare not admit to anyone. I know the games she tries to play, but yet, I refuse to let these games push me over the edge. I vent them here, because it is an output for it, because I’m not going to let her get to me that easily, even if she does all these destructive things to my mind, heart and soul. She wants me to crack, she wants to prove to herself that I am ‘not worthy’ – but I will climb this hill, and prove to her I am worth it – because we both know better.
Albeit my nasty thoughts when I’m feeling angry, I think clearly, there is a Chinese saying that, “You may be able to stay a person’s heart, but cannot stay their body” and it is true – and I would not consider doing anything dramatic or over-the-top because I want not only want her to stay with me, but have her heart stay with me as well. What if I do something, that forces her to be here, but when her heart is elsewhere or is against her will? Logically, the only right way to win love, is to win the person as a whole. Sometimes I am a foolish little boy, I will think of things to do, perhaps very nasty things, that may in the end, have results – but not the correct results. That, I certainly want to avoid. There is a side of me that thinks with logical, a side of me that thinks with emotions and another side of me that thinks with anger/vengeance. I hope to god, I never need to tap into the latter, because it is fearful side of me that even scares myself. The only person that has ever seen the latter side of me, is my ex-ex girlfriend, which I admit, was a very unfortunate case and I never want to repeat and draw that side out of me. The more I let her actions get to me, the sadder I feel. I must be positive, towards myself and towards her… because if I’m upset and angry with what she’s doing – OR – speculating negatively about things, it only hurts me. It was about a week ago, that I became to do positive speculations for things she does, because whether they are true or not, they sure as hell make me feel a lot better. In turn, this positivity transcends itself through my actions and feelings towards her. I hum to myself, “I can do it”, “We can do it”, “We will succeed” and “Patience, experience, wisdom and compassion” – if it was not for faith, hope and loyalty – I know I would’ve fallen. Yet today, I stand firm on the ground with my feet and say, “I know I can!”
But onto happier note rather than being all melancholic, is that next Tuesday, my ex-ex and I will be meeting up together. We did get into a little tuffle with each other, because we wanted to meet up for dinner and I didn’t “appear” to be too excited (and in all reality, I was, lol… and still am). We were at each others throat for almost 1/2 hour before we finally realized that things were a misunderstanding on our parts (lol – doesn’t life suck when that happens?).
It has been quite a few years since we’ve seen each other, and it’ll be great to catch up on things and more important – see how much we have changed since our last meet and since we have been together (which goes even farther back, haha – we’re old :lol:). We were together too young and logically, we have went through many changes in our life – which has redefined the people we once were (and are today), resulting in our breakup. As people grow up, focuses shift and things that were important/unimportant to us changes as well. With that said, we are the person we are today as a result of each other – for better, or worse 😀 She is a great girl and I suppose it’s a bit weird for many who generally don’t have much positive things to say about ex’s – but with all but one, I have nothing but great things to say about them.
For years, I used to spend a lot of time “comparing” girls… and truly, it was unfair. My ex-ex girlfriend was the one that really “set the bar” for all other girls. If they “weren’t as good as her, they weren’t worth chasing” – and honestly, there’s not all too many girls in this world who are as awesome as her XD – but she thinks otherwise, lol. Nevertheless, this was really poorly judgement (not of her!!!) on my part, by comparing one girl to another. One cannot have expectations of one girlfriend to another, expecting them to do the same things, act the same way, have the same expectations, or fall for the same romance. Every person is an individual and blindly, it took me a while to see that. I took my ex-ex as a “baseline requirement” for all future girlfriends, except for my current. The reality is our emotions and chemistry is what connects one person to another and sometimes, these expectations, wants and needs are all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. We think we may not fall for someone, only to find ourselves neck-deep-in-the-water. The ways that humans interact and connect on a non-verbal and psychological level boggles the mind and I’m not even going to get into that – lol – I could probably write a 10 page essay on it. I still hang out with most of my ex’s and it’s cool that way. I certainly can’t see my girlfriend being the jealous type (and plus, she’s playing cold shoulders anyways, so I couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to), so I never have to “clear” with her the fact I’m hanging out with them. I draw very clear lines about how I treat my ex’s … and I’ll definitely be nice and gentlemanly to them, but would definitely not go beyond what I’d do/how I’d treat my bebe (after all, she’s my most important girl :D)!
Oh god, I digress (all the time) – we’re going to meet up in Toronto and go have dinner. We haven’t picked a place, but I have to take the train. You cannot imagine, because I’m sure most people who read my blog already have this preconception of me that I’m the “big tough guy” (minus the whole interest in menstruation thing, hahaha) – but I’m soooo chicken when it comes to taking public transportation – especially when it’s outside of my town/city. For some odd reason, I don’t have this same fear/discomfort when I have to take the MTR/KCR (subway/train) in Hong Kong. So I swallowed my pride and saliva a bit and told her I’d take the train out and also, told her how much of a pussy I am (LOL) and if she could pick me up from the main station, haha. To be honest, I hate driving into Toronto because of their traffic and lack-of-parking space. I also know myself well enough that I don’t want to contend with the shitty/overly aggressive drivers there either. I have a temper when it comes to dealing with stupid-people on the road, and I’m sure I’d pull someone out of their car and beat them or shoot them through the windshield – so let’s not do that!
I’m so excited and we haven’t seen each other in ages. Our last meet up a few years ago was… err, let’s just say – a bit weird, because I was still in that phase of “trying to get her back” and I ashamedly say I caused some awkward situations (although she was very understanding about it – and was still ladylike!!), so this one will be more smooth now that I’m already committed to a very special girl, she won’t have to worry about me getting all flirty with her 😀 We’ve grown up so much, that we’re very different and our life has changed tremendously. I hope connecting in person will also help us understand one another more, given that we still get into disagreements sometimes because we just don’t see each others angles. Can you tell I’m really excited? 🙂
Anyways… going to leave it at this, I suppose I’ll go talk to some friends on Skype – they tend to cheer me up or get my mind away from bebe once in a while. I have this really long and boring meeting that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow – so I want to be mentally ready and stable, haha, rather than being grumpy with how I’m being treated right now (for the second time) … even Poh Ching was like, “Wait, she’s doing that to you AGAIN? WTF!” (or “WTFish” – since she doesn’t like to swear), hehe.. what a cutie.
Night night.. and OH – the pictures…
Today, there’s a lot to be happy about….. actually, just being alive is a blessing everyday, one that many of us, take for granted. When we’re alive, we have just as much to moan about as we do worrying about dying. Those who are enlightened enough not to fear death are truly the ones who live to the fullest extent. With that said, these are one of the less happier days even though there is so much cause for happiness.
Waking up in the morning today, I felt tired as usual, much due to the fallout of Thursday last week. From then to today, my sleeps have not been as energizing as they once were. I do not wake up each day with a sense of strength each day but instead, another day of fear… fear of the negativity surrounding our relationship, fear that she will do something hasty, fear that I cannot control myself and fear that if I keep stressing over things, I’ll end up causing myself to get cancer or something. The #1 cancer-causing agent in the body, is stress and I have plenty of it.
I remember the days where my Mom and Dad would be in the living room or in the car where they’d retell their love story. My dad would always leave out one part of the story, but which my mom had to dutifully fill in. My maternal grandmother at the time, disliked my father. Although my mom and dad played very much “by the rules” – picked her up, had her back home on time and safely, made sure to bring gifts when visiting, my dad was not very well liked. Remembering when my dad proposed the idea of marrying my mother to my maternal grandmother, she initially was against it. However, we all know the power of love and that the fact both my mom and dad was going to do it whether it was consented or not. However, my dad once did say to my grandmother that he would kill himself if she did not let him marry my mother.
I always thought to myself, what foolish man would suicide over a lover. Today, the 2nd time of relationship despair, I wondered if what my father said is not so crazy anymore. No, I am not suicidal and I’m not about to jump off a building, there’s still rationality within me. Nevertheless, I can fully understand what it feels like to be hurt so deeply by relationship that one would consider life not worth living. It was only a month or two ago that her and I began to talk again and already, we have stepped backward. For all the progress we made, she has reverted to hiding in her little cubby hole. I am frustrated to no end and I’m not sure hitting the boxing bag really gets the anger out of me anymore. Firing 80 shots repeatedly until my fingers hurt don’t seem to give me that stress relief. Even if someone were to cut me off and I went road-rage on them and killed them, I would still not feel satisfied. I am in a deep state of wondering how one human could inflict so much damage on another one, including the damage that has been done to me. Why should I not hurt others when it is so rightful for someone else to do the same to me? Yes, this is completely irrational and I’m sure by the time I finish this post, this will no longer apply.
After work, I drove to the top of the mountain today and screamed as loud as I could and that gave my mind time to wind down. I hate the world right now, I hate the idea that there is a God because if there is an his intention was for humans to suffer, he’s got that right. I am suffering in deep misery right now and it has made me question whether life is really as grand as we all make it out to be. Is it so fun that I have to be ignored by a girl who I deeply care about, is that what my life is supposed to be? Tell me oh-God-of-infinite-wisdom why I was born, why was I not one of the lucky ones who never learned to feel pain and just have died when I was born (or even before)? Although I am not suicidal, I would be lying if I told people that killing myself to rid me of these relationship pains have not crossed my mind at one point. I always watched those TVB series where people would stand on top of a mountain or beach and just scream until they could scream no more. I thought one would have to be crazy to believe that brings relief… but it does.
Rewind a bit was my slightly happy moment when I got to work and opened my office door… there she was in all her glory, the XFX Radeon HD 5870 I’ve been waiting for, sitting on my desk – put there by my boss! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been drooling for days and I think had it not been for all my relationship troubles the past few days, I would have been a bit more excited. I did thank my boss for such a wonderful gift, but I wish I was in a better mood to really feel the moment of happiness. No, it is not possible… it is consumed by the overwhelming desire that I wanted to throw to box out the window because all these materialistic things that we think bring us happiness truly don’t. What is this… this item mean to me, when I don’t even deserve to be spoken to by my girlfriend? I spent most of my day staring at my monitor as that’s all I could bear to concentrate on.
My happy moment of the day was when one of my coworkers caught my less-than-cheery mood. We closed the door and she sat in my office for an hour and we talked and I poured my heart out to her. I think by the end, she looked like she could cry too from being so touched at all the things I had to say. She’s a young and beautiful woman who has gone through a divorce and has finally found out the realities of a relationship. She said that when people are young, their goals in a relationship is much different than between two matured individuals. What you look for is more practical than through the fairy tale dreams. She said she wouldn’t’ have it “any other way” to her current relationship where her husband is 10 years older, the total opposite of her and where they get into long and heated arguments… but at the end of the day, they’re proud parents to two lovely kids and a loving marriage. She brought into perspectives the reality of two individuals forming a family and that what people expect of each other is much different than every little girl’s dream of being whisked away to the “Happily Ever After” world.
She does not deny that the chemistry and dynamics are what uphold her and her husband’s relationship, even though they have very differing views. Likewise, I apply it to my own relationship such that there is an irrefutable amount of chemistry, albeit the disagreements and arguing. At the end of the day, I can vent as much as possible through my blog, to friends or to the sorry punching bag that has to deal with my rage, but I care about her very much and she simply is the way she is. She inspired me to think about whether my relationship with my girlfriend is simply out of lustful desire or true compassion and understanding. I felt empowered after chatting with her, because through the past 5 days of me being brushed aside once again, she’s reawaken my powers to carry on. It is not easy and those who have fought tooth-and-nail for your significant other can relate to my pain. Some relationships comes together easily and some come together with a FUCK LOAD of work – but both have a common ground – to love and care for one another ’til death do them part.
I for one, have decided I will not quit although I have thought about it. My coworker shared many of the advice that many of my concerned readers gave me – commitment and patience. Words make it sound easy, but after going through 6 months prior to this of being cast aside, I could tell them anxiety, pain and DAILY mind-fuck that she has caused. There is a Chinese saying, “食唔安, 坐唔落” (Can not eat peacefully, can not sit peacefully) and imagine going through that for half a year, while still trying to go about daily-life and you can feel just a morsel of my pain. And now you wonder why I feel life is not worth living? I breathe in hard though, her words were clear to me… “Do not give up.” … and I shall not! Perhaps in a way, I am mad at myself for over-spoiling her and allowing her to think it’s right to treat me like this.. but no amount of blame ever softens the pain that the heart feels. Every day is a living hell until we can speak normally to each other again… when that will be, I don’t know… I do not wish to act hastily and I want to wait until a time of her choosing, but I will not stand idly by either.
It is almost laughable that in a way, I’m glad my workplace has a comprehensive medical coverage policy. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad of an idea, not because I have a psychological disorder, but just someone to listen to me talk. There’s only a few of my friends who I involve in my relationship ups/downs and they are certainly not always available. Perhaps a bit of encouragement, motivation and giving me back a sense of self-worth as a human-being with feelings is what I need from a doctor, haha. Suffice to say, I don’t need a psychiatrist… all I need is my family and her, that is all I ask. In a way, I find it freaky that I feel more PAINED over this than I do with the deathly absence of my father. Although I miss him greatly, I feel rather guilty that she can bring so much more pain than the death of my own dad.
I tell myself not to give up, not to think too much, go about my daily life normally, not to take my anger out on others because they don’t deserve it and a bunch of other “positive motivators” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to endure this a day at a time and quite frankly, I actually realized why it is so easy to want to take the easy-way-out. I think after all this, I ought to work at one of the kids help hotlines because I have gone through all this. It suddenly dawned upon me why (as invalid as it may seem) kids would ever want to do self-inflicted injuries. Today when I sat there looking out my window, I wanted to punch it so I could feel the pain of hurting myself. I wondered what idiot (yes, me) would actually consider doing that? I remember one of my friends who went kind of nutty one time told me that because he was so depressed that he’d often enjoy cutting himself, smashing himself in the face or jumping off high places and I thought it was weird that anyone would WANT to feel pain… and now I realize, when you go through emotional pain, that physical pain seems like a walk in the park. I never quite understood why I hear about people who willingly hurt themselves and now I understand.
I suppose many of those people who end up on those hotlines are those who have suffered it first-hand before. It takes someone who’s really been there to know how these feelings feel. It is not something that can be taught in school or described in a seminar, one must feel and have experienced it to know the damage that distraught can cause. This isn’t even close to a scenario of a 1-day argument, this is long-term damage that will take a long time, if ever, to mend. Although at some point or another we will begin to talk again, in the back of my mind, I wonder if she’ll revert to the same state like this now. How many times will she do this to me? What will it take to stop her from doing this? Does she need to learn? What influences her to make such rash decisions like this? Is there someone influencing her and talking bad things about me? How can I help her so that her obligations to other things don’t affect us? We all have obligations, I need to go to work, but doesn’t mean I can’t balance her in my life. She has school, but it doesn’t mean she can’t balance me either… she just chooses not to, i.e ignoring me and then the second some other obligations comes up, then I’m just a piece that gets “set aside for later”. It is frustrating that I’m even starting to view myself as being so insignificant that something like watching a movie, playing a game or talking to her friends has more value than I do. I truly hope she will not play the ignoring-game as long as she did last time. I was once such a self-confident person… what has happened to me….?
The only thing that made me smile for longer than 5 seconds today were these pictures I caught in my front yard…. I’m not a photographer by the way, so I’m not asking you to share your mind with how crappy my pictures are. If you do, expect shit thrown back in your face. The pictures are clickable for full-resolution and I think they’re worth seeing in full-size at how beautiful the bird is…. much more beautiful than my current mood no doubt.
I wish I could be as carefree (and I don’t mean the pantiliner) as this bird… Now if you’ll excuse me from my blog, perhaps I will resume crying as I have been previously… Ya, I’m not the big macho-man. I want her in my arms right now… everything will be perfect then….
new digital camera!!! 😀
It is so damn sexy, I love it! It is a Nikon Coolpix L110 and these are the spec overview:
Max resolution 4000 x 3000 Low resolution 3968 x 2232, 3264 x 2448, 2592 x 1944, 2048 x 1536, 1024 x 768, 640 x 480 Image ratio w:h 4:3, 16:9 Effective pixels 12.2 million Sensor photo detectors 12.4 million Sensor size 1/2.3 ” (6.16 x 4.62 mm, 0.28 cm²) Pixel density 43 MP/cm² Sensor type CCD Sensor manufacturer Unknown ISO rating Auto, Auto gain ISO 80-800, 80, 100, 200, 400, 800, 1600, (3200, 6400 with boost) Zoom wide 28 mm Zoom tele (T) 420 mm (15 x) Digital zoom Yes, 4x Image stabilization Yes, Sensor-shift Auto Focus TTL Manual Focus Yes Normal focus range 60 cm Macro focus range 1 cm White balance override 5 positions plus manual Aperture range F3.5 – F5.4 Min shutter 8 sec Max shutter 1/2000 sec Built-in Flash Yes, (Pop-Up) Flash range External flash No Flash modes Auto, On, Off, Red-eye, Fill-in, Slow Syncro Exposure compensation -2 to +2 EV in 1/3 EV steps Metering Aperture priority No Shutter priority No Focal length multiplier Lens thread Continuous Drive Yes, 13 fps Movie Clips Yes, 1280 x 720 (HD 30 fps), 640 x 480 (30 fps), 320 x 240 (30 fps) Remote control Yes Self-timer Yes, 3 sec or 10 sec Timelapse recording Unknown Orientation sensor Unknown Storage types SD/SDHC, Internal Storage included 43 MB Internal Uncompressed format No Quality Levels Viewfinder None LCD 3 “ LCD Dots 460,000 Live View No USB USB 2.0 (480Mbit/sec) HDMI Yes Wireless No GPS No Environmentally sealed No Battery 4 x AA batteries (Alkaline, NiMH, or Lithium) Weight (inc. batteries) 406 g (14.3 oz) Dimensions 109 x 74 x 78 mm (4.3 x 2.9 x 3.1 in) Notes Resolution Chart Colour Patches
Of course this isn’t a DSLR, but with the price I got it at, it’s pretty good for the quality you’d expect! I’ve already spent quite a while playing with it and this is supposed to be a “dummy camera”… because I’m no professional photographer. A couple of people I know told me to get a DSLR because it will still of course produce better quality pictures of “Auto” mode, but truly, I cannot justify getting any type of SLR camera unless I fully intend on learning how to use it properly and not simply leaving it on Auto.
I bought it with a coworker of mine because he specializes in photographic technologies, so thought he’d be an excellent person to come to the store with me to pick it out. Also, because he’s a member, I did get a discount and all 😆
The camera so far has been pretty easy to use, not “requiring” me to have to pick up the manual since the on-screen directions already provide ease-of-access. Perhaps having a bit of technology background, I can navigate through the options, understand the symbols and all that fairly easily. Nevertheless, I have lots to learn and will likely not have learned everything by the time I retire this. The reason why I got a new camera was because the one we used for 8 years is finally giving out. Even after putting completely new batteries in, after about 3-4 shots, it says “Low Battery” and shuts off. A couple of times, it was so defective that the camera didn’t even fully retract the lens in during the middle of a shutdown sequence, so now you can tell why I need a new camera. I was hoping to wait until I went to Hong Kong to get it, but wanted to have a nice camera to use before then. There’s a few big events that are coming up within the next while which would be nice to have a decent resolution camera (the old one was only 4MP) and I purposely got this one for the fact it has HD video recording capabilities (for when I want to make my own sex movies… HAHAHA.. just joking :)).
This was no “cheap” camera… it was expensive as shit and it really took me some time to think and take into consideration whether I want to fork out this kind of money. No doubt, my career does not rely on having a camera, therefore I would not buy a $30,000 camera like photographers would… I’m simply a “point-and-shoot” person and perhaps with a few expectations of features. This will really set my wallet back a bit… looks like I’ll have to eat noodles for the next few months to save up my money again 😦 Anyone spare money for the poor please? I was given the choice of BLACK or RED … and because I found the black to be more of a matte black rather than a metallic red, I chose this one. Heck, so many people have standard black cameras, I thought it’d stand out a bit with my sexy red 😀
Since I had it at work with me, I decided to take a few pictures of my office. These are not the original as obviously I’ve done some compression and down-sizing to accommodate my upload, but I was completely satisfied with the quality the shots produced compared to my old camera, haha.. for obvious reasons.
I’ve used a “medium” sized setting for the display picture and you’re welcome to click on it to get a larger resolution picture. I just didn’t want to eat up everyone’s bandwidth and make my blog a slow-loader 🙂
Now… back to playing with my camera! Hope you guys had an awesome day.