Since I’ve already done a review on the Kotex All-Nighter Pads before, I’m not going to review something too similar. Below are some pictures of the U by Kotex Cleanwear Heavy Flow Pads for your reference and interest. This pad is essentially a “smaller” version of the overnight UbK pad-series. Having seen lots of “heavy” or “super” length pads, I found the UbK one to actually be quite short. When I tested this one, I found that the top layer is even more comfortable than the all-nighter one because it has a bit of “padding” yet not so thick as to make it intrusive or annoying. Furthermore, it stands up to quite a large amount of fluid while maintaining a dry top-layer. The “absorption” is clearly visible from the bottom, thus you can gauge how well it can absorb even the heaviest of flows, especially because the pad becomes quite “heavy” (weight wise) afterward, so you can tell it’s definitely capable of providing quality protection.
Suffice to say, this pad actually made me “reconsider” the UbK line of pads since I kind of got turned off by them due to the price and that it wasn’t “up to the expectation” I once had set out for it. Giving the Cleanwear one another chance, I definitely can see its merits now and I am impressed with my overall experience with this one. When I tested the all-nighter version, the “hype” was there, but overly impressed, I was not. On the other hand, this Cleanwear one I actually like more, even though I would wager the design is highly similar, at just a lesser size. I really like the UbK Cleanwear Heavy Flow pad, so if you’re not interested in trying their super-long-huge all-nighter one, this one might be a great alternative to try out!
All the above pictures are “clickable” for a higher-resolution version.
Since this isn’t a full-out review, if you have any questions/comments in regards to this pad (or well, anything on the site really), feel free to let me know and ask away here so that others may benefit from the answers as well! However, should you want more privacy or whatnot, feel free to email me as well.
Thought I’d relax this weekend without a period post, but I did manage to get some shots of “period-related” things for those who come to my blog for the flow-lovers value rather than actually caring about my life 😛 Don’t feel guilty! Everyone visits sites for certain values and topics that they only care about while others are more interested in learning about the author as a whole!
This weekend was an interesting one and let me start on Friday. I received an email from an uncle telling me that a friend of his will be arriving from Hong Kong to help his son get organized for the upcoming school semester as an international student in Canada. Since I had helped arrange these things and for residence at a local host family, his parents really wanted to take me out for dinner as thanks and to meet me, since other than by phone and email, we have never formally met. I really enjoy the love of helping people when it’s within my means and don’t expect gains other than goodwill and appreciation. When we met, they also happened to bring along a friend who had a daughter (I can already see some people grinning as they read this) who happened to live in the same city and will watch over their son while he’s here.
Everyone talked over the course of dinner and my mom invited them over to our house just to have some tea, sit and chat. I enjoyed showing them my computer and gun collection and of course with all but the one girl, the rest were boys who tuned right in to the idea of being able to shoot a firearm. The girl was very shy but eventually joined us. She screamed the first time she fired off a shot, just like my mom – lol, it was kind of funny to watch. Apparently while all the “kids” were downstairs, the adults talked upstairs about random things. Most notably, I think especially Chinese people like to involve relationships in their conversations because I swear we have nothing else to talk about. Her mom grilled my mom on how old I was, what kind of education I had, the type of guy I am, whether I had a girlfriend or not and how my career is going and such. At the end of the night, her mom was very pleased with me (which is kind of scary… and you’ll find out why later on) and determined me to be a “very good guy.” It’s always interesting because I think over the past while, I’ve come to realize that I’m the type of guy that “girls” my age don’t like, but I’m totally the type of guy that mothers like for their daughters 😆
This is not the first scenario of the case above and happened again on Saturday. The acupuncturist that I go to has a daughter and yes, she is quite pretty – considering the fact I think most Chinese-mainlander girls are ick. I’ve had several opportunities to talk to her informally before, about school, life, sports and other general interest things and have found her to be quite intelligent – or at the very least – appears to be able to hold an intellectual conversation. Aside from the awkwardness of her translating “erection” for her mom (the acupuncturist) to English for me, we have a pretty good time talking when she’s there on the weekend helping out with receptionist work. I figured that especially with “doctors” they would generally not want their own son/daughter interested in a paitient since they know all the “dirty details” about you, like what things are wrong with your body, that you’re overweight or whatever – because in general, you don’t see doctors for good things. Suffice to say, my mom was saying how the doctor was asking about my age, whether I was single, commenting that her daughter was single, what I do for a living, whereabouts I live, whether I was “interested” in girls and that I was a “very good boy” because I’m always chauffeuring my mom around, I have a good relationship with her and I pay for everything. I think from the viewpoint of most “moms” – I appear to be a guy they would definitely want for their daughter knowing I’d treat them well (based on what they know about me).
The awkwardness of most situations is that these girls that their moms want to set me up with are all horribly not within my age range. One of these girls and I won’t mention which one, would actually be illegal. Now I know that Canadian law does not dictate any “age requirements” for dating, but obviously they do have age enforcement for sexual relationships. I’m not saying that when I date a girl, all I ever think about is getting in her pants, but obviously if you want the relationship to progress healthily, that is obviously one of the things that will come up. So yes, one of these moms wanted to practically set me up with her underage daughter. The second mom at the very least, tried to “inquire” about me on behalf of her daughter and at the very least, the girl just turned 18 so at least for legal standards, she would not make me act under a criminal capacity. I think about how immature most university-aged girls are nowadays, let alone consider a relationship with a girl who just turned 18. Speaking of which, I know that this would be a dream for almost any heterosexual male – those “fresh”, “barely legal” girls and I can understand that, but not so much for me if I’m looking for a real, working-relationship. I think that a lot of guys my age don’t want to settle either or care about commitment. A few guy-friends when hearing that bebe was going to be out-of-the-country for 6 months asked me whether I was going to “find another girl to bang” while she was away or a girl to “keep me company” (how you want to interpret that is up to you). It’s not going to happen – just because bebe’s not around doesn’t mean it gives me a right to mess around and don’t confuse that I say a girl is “pretty” or “beautiful” means I think I like them – it just means I can appreciate their beauty and doesn’t replace my love for bebe!
While shopping on Saturday, I finally took some pictures at T&T Supermarket in Mississauga in the pad section! I could inconspicuously bring my camera out since it’s attached to my phone and snap a few pictures. I’ll have to get them sometime when my girls go shopping with me. The Elis DX360 is $9.99 – geezzz, but has side-barriers like the Laurier Superguard – weehh! On the left edge of the shelf was some Laurier Thins and Center-In SaraSara pads… not exactly a big fan of thins, but I can’t be biased now can I? Only someone who’s in a tight pinch would ever buy “local” pads/tampons from a Chinese store because be prepared to have your wallet stripped of its money.
Sunday I got a call early in the morning… like shit-time early and my friend asked me what I was planning to do for the day. I was just aiming to relax a day and do a bit of gaming but asked me to join me at her place for a BBQ. Yes, that’s right – a girl doing BBQ, isn’t that just awesome? It’s already super-hot for girls who know how to prepare a proper meal, let alone one who can even work the barbecue, RAWR! She made a delicious meal and although I helped out here and there, it was pretty nice that she spoils me sometimes and we can just chat while she puts some wings, skewers and seafood on the grill! She had a couple of drinks, but I didn’t since I have to drive and Ontario alcohol laws are tighter-than-ever when it comes to enforcing drinking and driving laws. I stayed until about 9PM or so when we called it a night and I went home to get ready for sleep. Why would I sleep so early? Got a damn email telling me that I have an early-morning Monday meeting! UGH.
Anyways, that’s it for the weekend and I hope my fellow flow-lovers enjoy the pictures. I don’t have much on my mind right now so toodles for now!
I usually try not to go too crazy when it comes to reposting blogs since I try to make sure all the content of my blog is original and personal, but every once in a while I’m feeling lazy, demotivated or simply because I’ve found something worth putting up on my own blog of someone else’s work! I have found two that I found really meant something to me worth putting up:
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I liked that post because it really delved into several subjects I often contemplate, humanity, psychological reflections, personal growth, family/friends, feelings/emotions, strengths/weaknesses and self-worth.
The second had lots of great pictures which I cut out but the bottom of the post had some great paragraphs written…
Listen to me very carefully… take more pictures! Take them when you’re lazy, take them when you’re excited, take them even with ppl beginning to roll their eyes at you. The hell with them! You are creating memories dammit. Make it a priority to take pictures of things, places, people, and of course, yourself! You are only young once and they are there as proof to your grandchildren that, yes, grammy was once young and dashing! Pictures provide a great storybook for your lives and the collecting of memories on film/laptop/monitor/fb is truly priceless.
I’ve never regret taking more pictures!
And for once in your life, take some professional/glamour type pictures! Like I said, the more proof you have for your grandchildren- the better!
She had a lot of pictures (what a beautiful girl I should mention – go check her out!) which was what caught my eye (lol what? I’m a guy…), but then I also read the quote as stated above. It suddenly hit home that I ought to take pictures more. I get really self-conscience about taking pictures of me or even when I like to snap a shot of a nice scenery and people give me weird looks. I mean, I love taking pictures of important people like bebe, LOL – and I’d easily expend my entire memory card full of space if I had to for her, hahaha. I think bebe and I ought to take some nice pictures like Jen and her husband have in the future.
Creating moments… yes that is exactly something worthwhile to cherish. Whether short or long, permanent or temporary, every moment is worth remembering for all it brings us. One day we will all sit there and wonder and think back about how life was years ago and pictures capture and allows one to relive those moments. I love doing glamour shots… that is as long as I’m not the one in them, heh, except for at my own wedding of course, that’ll be awesome and I’ll take plenty of pictures with her 😆 I can’t say I’m a pro with my camera, but I can definitely pull of some nice shots like Jen did! I want to be able to tell our kids, “This is what mommy and daddy looked like when we first started dating.” – LOL – awwww… such a cute moment.
So anyways, I’m going to try to feel motivated to make a period-post or something soon… Just really staring at the calendar thinking about how sad it’s going to be when bebe leaves back home. I should also mention that the same day she is leaving (minus time difference) is also the same day my grandfather is scheduled to have his funeral precession – can you say what the fuck? Two horrible things happening on the same god damn day. First bebe pops the news that she’s going home on me ON THE SAME DAY that my grandfather passed away and then on the same day bebe’s departing from Canada is also my grandfather’s funeral day… like really, my life is so worthless right now – anyone want to trade? How could 2 separate but like-incidences happen twice-over like that? 😥
I should automatically win honours at the FML (Fuck My Life) website… I think I’m going to book a sick-day off on the day she leaves because I’ll be at home puking and crying – ya, that’s a totally valid sick-day reason… I’m not sure I could ever handle doing airport duties with her, I’d probably pass-out at the gates or something. Thanks love for ruining my life. So far, 4 nights of nightmares already.. ASS SCARY nightmares, the ones where you wake up with your heart racing and scared shitless as if it was real. I’m worrying too much about bebe and also Ghost Festival (盂蘭節) is coming up which I always seem to be attuned to whenever I’m stressed-out over things and become restless and get nightmares a lot easier. I always ask myself, why does shit like this happen to me? What have I done so seriously wrong? It’s not as if I’ve killed someone or something… although I might start doing that if things are going so messed up in my life anyways it won’t make any difference if I do!
I posed a few people the question, “If doing good things has no reward and doing bad things has no consequence, which would you prefer?” .. struck a lot of people and they were speechless. Yes, that is just what I thought.
And some smart-ass friend of mine today said, “[my name] – you seem really unhappy lately…” and in all reality, he already knew that and he just felt like reminding me of my recent unhappiness over things, I decided to reply, “Gee smart one, where’d you get that fucking clue?” and laughed mockingly. Oh…. how I can be so unfriendly and nasty to people when I’m not in a good mood – shame.
Two things that made me happy today:
1) Played with some little kids today while I was out, they were very cute!
2) Helped two elderly couple and thought to myself, I hope that’s like bebe and I one day – “white hair until old” (Chinese expression) and that we’ll still be loving hand-in-hand walking down the street.
Yes, life’s happiness can just be as simple for me – I am not hard to satisfy.
Ah, today’s just one-of-those days. It’s just 8ish right now and I’m already laid down in my bed and rolling around. The weather has been great today and right now, it’s a beautiful scenery out my window. I stepped outside, just to capture a few great shots. Other than being head-over-heels for my girlfriend, the next thing I’m in love with is my new camera. Yes, I’m hardly adept at taking great photos, but sometimes I see photography like art. As long as I’m happy with the shots taken and they’re expressive of my own feelings, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s praised to appreciated by others. I guess I’m rolling around because I’m feeling kinda down today. I haven’t checked the calendar, has it been a month since I’ve been emo? LOL.
Every once in a while, I’m just hit with this pang of sadness. It never was like this for the few months that bebe and I had regular contact. I feel so lost in this world without her, like I’m wandering aimlessly until she’s ready to pick me up again. It’s like this thick fog that sometimes clears up but at times thickens so much that you just want to scream but no one will hear you or see you. You wish that others could help you, but when you’re lost in fog, there is little that anyone else can do for you. You can wander and wander, only hoping that you will make it to the end alive.
I know this is quite unhealthy, no one should be subjected to pains from relationships like this, but that’s a moot point. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship before, will know how I feel. There is a saying that a person who falls and gets up is not a fool, but one who falls and stays down is a fool for life. I believe in that, I believe that only someone who has no goal, no direction and no willpower in life can never achieve success. I am heartfelt that I can achieve this goal, not only to fall in love, but to cause someone to fall in love with me. I admit that there are times when I have thought of things, things that maybe dark and sinister to think and do – things that I dare not admit to anyone. I know the games she tries to play, but yet, I refuse to let these games push me over the edge. I vent them here, because it is an output for it, because I’m not going to let her get to me that easily, even if she does all these destructive things to my mind, heart and soul. She wants me to crack, she wants to prove to herself that I am ‘not worthy’ – but I will climb this hill, and prove to her I am worth it – because we both know better.
Albeit my nasty thoughts when I’m feeling angry, I think clearly, there is a Chinese saying that, “You may be able to stay a person’s heart, but cannot stay their body” and it is true – and I would not consider doing anything dramatic or over-the-top because I want not only want her to stay with me, but have her heart stay with me as well. What if I do something, that forces her to be here, but when her heart is elsewhere or is against her will? Logically, the only right way to win love, is to win the person as a whole. Sometimes I am a foolish little boy, I will think of things to do, perhaps very nasty things, that may in the end, have results – but not the correct results. That, I certainly want to avoid. There is a side of me that thinks with logical, a side of me that thinks with emotions and another side of me that thinks with anger/vengeance. I hope to god, I never need to tap into the latter, because it is fearful side of me that even scares myself. The only person that has ever seen the latter side of me, is my ex-ex girlfriend, which I admit, was a very unfortunate case and I never want to repeat and draw that side out of me. The more I let her actions get to me, the sadder I feel. I must be positive, towards myself and towards her… because if I’m upset and angry with what she’s doing – OR – speculating negatively about things, it only hurts me. It was about a week ago, that I became to do positive speculations for things she does, because whether they are true or not, they sure as hell make me feel a lot better. In turn, this positivity transcends itself through my actions and feelings towards her. I hum to myself, “I can do it”, “We can do it”, “We will succeed” and “Patience, experience, wisdom and compassion” – if it was not for faith, hope and loyalty – I know I would’ve fallen. Yet today, I stand firm on the ground with my feet and say, “I know I can!”
But onto happier note rather than being all melancholic, is that next Tuesday, my ex-ex and I will be meeting up together. We did get into a little tuffle with each other, because we wanted to meet up for dinner and I didn’t “appear” to be too excited (and in all reality, I was, lol… and still am). We were at each others throat for almost 1/2 hour before we finally realized that things were a misunderstanding on our parts (lol – doesn’t life suck when that happens?).
It has been quite a few years since we’ve seen each other, and it’ll be great to catch up on things and more important – see how much we have changed since our last meet and since we have been together (which goes even farther back, haha – we’re old :lol:). We were together too young and logically, we have went through many changes in our life – which has redefined the people we once were (and are today), resulting in our breakup. As people grow up, focuses shift and things that were important/unimportant to us changes as well. With that said, we are the person we are today as a result of each other – for better, or worse 😀 She is a great girl and I suppose it’s a bit weird for many who generally don’t have much positive things to say about ex’s – but with all but one, I have nothing but great things to say about them.
For years, I used to spend a lot of time “comparing” girls… and truly, it was unfair. My ex-ex girlfriend was the one that really “set the bar” for all other girls. If they “weren’t as good as her, they weren’t worth chasing” – and honestly, there’s not all too many girls in this world who are as awesome as her XD – but she thinks otherwise, lol. Nevertheless, this was really poorly judgement (not of her!!!) on my part, by comparing one girl to another. One cannot have expectations of one girlfriend to another, expecting them to do the same things, act the same way, have the same expectations, or fall for the same romance. Every person is an individual and blindly, it took me a while to see that. I took my ex-ex as a “baseline requirement” for all future girlfriends, except for my current. The reality is our emotions and chemistry is what connects one person to another and sometimes, these expectations, wants and needs are all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. We think we may not fall for someone, only to find ourselves neck-deep-in-the-water. The ways that humans interact and connect on a non-verbal and psychological level boggles the mind and I’m not even going to get into that – lol – I could probably write a 10 page essay on it. I still hang out with most of my ex’s and it’s cool that way. I certainly can’t see my girlfriend being the jealous type (and plus, she’s playing cold shoulders anyways, so I couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to), so I never have to “clear” with her the fact I’m hanging out with them. I draw very clear lines about how I treat my ex’s … and I’ll definitely be nice and gentlemanly to them, but would definitely not go beyond what I’d do/how I’d treat my bebe (after all, she’s my most important girl :D)!
Oh god, I digress (all the time) – we’re going to meet up in Toronto and go have dinner. We haven’t picked a place, but I have to take the train. You cannot imagine, because I’m sure most people who read my blog already have this preconception of me that I’m the “big tough guy” (minus the whole interest in menstruation thing, hahaha) – but I’m soooo chicken when it comes to taking public transportation – especially when it’s outside of my town/city. For some odd reason, I don’t have this same fear/discomfort when I have to take the MTR/KCR (subway/train) in Hong Kong. So I swallowed my pride and saliva a bit and told her I’d take the train out and also, told her how much of a pussy I am (LOL) and if she could pick me up from the main station, haha. To be honest, I hate driving into Toronto because of their traffic and lack-of-parking space. I also know myself well enough that I don’t want to contend with the shitty/overly aggressive drivers there either. I have a temper when it comes to dealing with stupid-people on the road, and I’m sure I’d pull someone out of their car and beat them or shoot them through the windshield – so let’s not do that!
I’m so excited and we haven’t seen each other in ages. Our last meet up a few years ago was… err, let’s just say – a bit weird, because I was still in that phase of “trying to get her back” and I ashamedly say I caused some awkward situations (although she was very understanding about it – and was still ladylike!!), so this one will be more smooth now that I’m already committed to a very special girl, she won’t have to worry about me getting all flirty with her 😀 We’ve grown up so much, that we’re very different and our life has changed tremendously. I hope connecting in person will also help us understand one another more, given that we still get into disagreements sometimes because we just don’t see each others angles. Can you tell I’m really excited? 🙂
Anyways… going to leave it at this, I suppose I’ll go talk to some friends on Skype – they tend to cheer me up or get my mind away from bebe once in a while. I have this really long and boring meeting that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow – so I want to be mentally ready and stable, haha, rather than being grumpy with how I’m being treated right now (for the second time) … even Poh Ching was like, “Wait, she’s doing that to you AGAIN? WTF!” (or “WTFish” – since she doesn’t like to swear), hehe.. what a cutie.
Night night.. and OH – the pictures…
You know, I was just looking at my list of “blog topics” to write about and there’s 25 (twenty-five) of them of which 20 are period-related. However, can you imagine I still cannot bring myself to choose one to write about because I have so many “little thoughts” here and there that I want to write about all in a single post (and that’s just not plausible)! I suppose all this stuff in my head might be attributed to the craziness over the past 2 days as I’ve been sitting in my office all (work)day listening to staff bitch and moan about problems and RE-teach them small things that they should know already. Normally I’d just grab some work to do out of the office so I can sneak out, but since they’re out doing project implementation, I have to be at my desk to monitor every little thing that happens and manage the process. So…. who said an office job was good? 😆
I had taken some pictures a while ago when I found some Kotex Overnight Maxis on sale… and I didn’t know why I took them, lol… I’m sure it was to post up on here, but I don’t remember if I had an “objective” for them (i.e as part of a proper blog entry). But… since I can’t figure out if they “belong” to anything, I’ll just post them here for the flow-lovers to browse through 😛
Hey… maybe this was all an excuse for me to use the slideshow feature for once, haha.
And apparently I found this funny picture on my phone…
And the last picture I found on my phone (no idea where I got it from…) but very kawaii:
I wonder if they’re “really” branded properly 😀 Maybe one of those fake Chinese-ripoff brands… haha.
That’s all the menstrual or pad pictures I have today… if things free up a bit at work tomorrow, I’ll endeavour to get that new section up OR write a proper blog entry.
Toodles, night night 🙂
Today, there’s a lot to be happy about….. actually, just being alive is a blessing everyday, one that many of us, take for granted. When we’re alive, we have just as much to moan about as we do worrying about dying. Those who are enlightened enough not to fear death are truly the ones who live to the fullest extent. With that said, these are one of the less happier days even though there is so much cause for happiness.
Waking up in the morning today, I felt tired as usual, much due to the fallout of Thursday last week. From then to today, my sleeps have not been as energizing as they once were. I do not wake up each day with a sense of strength each day but instead, another day of fear… fear of the negativity surrounding our relationship, fear that she will do something hasty, fear that I cannot control myself and fear that if I keep stressing over things, I’ll end up causing myself to get cancer or something. The #1 cancer-causing agent in the body, is stress and I have plenty of it.
I remember the days where my Mom and Dad would be in the living room or in the car where they’d retell their love story. My dad would always leave out one part of the story, but which my mom had to dutifully fill in. My maternal grandmother at the time, disliked my father. Although my mom and dad played very much “by the rules” – picked her up, had her back home on time and safely, made sure to bring gifts when visiting, my dad was not very well liked. Remembering when my dad proposed the idea of marrying my mother to my maternal grandmother, she initially was against it. However, we all know the power of love and that the fact both my mom and dad was going to do it whether it was consented or not. However, my dad once did say to my grandmother that he would kill himself if she did not let him marry my mother.
I always thought to myself, what foolish man would suicide over a lover. Today, the 2nd time of relationship despair, I wondered if what my father said is not so crazy anymore. No, I am not suicidal and I’m not about to jump off a building, there’s still rationality within me. Nevertheless, I can fully understand what it feels like to be hurt so deeply by relationship that one would consider life not worth living. It was only a month or two ago that her and I began to talk again and already, we have stepped backward. For all the progress we made, she has reverted to hiding in her little cubby hole. I am frustrated to no end and I’m not sure hitting the boxing bag really gets the anger out of me anymore. Firing 80 shots repeatedly until my fingers hurt don’t seem to give me that stress relief. Even if someone were to cut me off and I went road-rage on them and killed them, I would still not feel satisfied. I am in a deep state of wondering how one human could inflict so much damage on another one, including the damage that has been done to me. Why should I not hurt others when it is so rightful for someone else to do the same to me? Yes, this is completely irrational and I’m sure by the time I finish this post, this will no longer apply.
After work, I drove to the top of the mountain today and screamed as loud as I could and that gave my mind time to wind down. I hate the world right now, I hate the idea that there is a God because if there is an his intention was for humans to suffer, he’s got that right. I am suffering in deep misery right now and it has made me question whether life is really as grand as we all make it out to be. Is it so fun that I have to be ignored by a girl who I deeply care about, is that what my life is supposed to be? Tell me oh-God-of-infinite-wisdom why I was born, why was I not one of the lucky ones who never learned to feel pain and just have died when I was born (or even before)? Although I am not suicidal, I would be lying if I told people that killing myself to rid me of these relationship pains have not crossed my mind at one point. I always watched those TVB series where people would stand on top of a mountain or beach and just scream until they could scream no more. I thought one would have to be crazy to believe that brings relief… but it does.
Rewind a bit was my slightly happy moment when I got to work and opened my office door… there she was in all her glory, the XFX Radeon HD 5870 I’ve been waiting for, sitting on my desk – put there by my boss! Yes, that’s right, I’ve been drooling for days and I think had it not been for all my relationship troubles the past few days, I would have been a bit more excited. I did thank my boss for such a wonderful gift, but I wish I was in a better mood to really feel the moment of happiness. No, it is not possible… it is consumed by the overwhelming desire that I wanted to throw to box out the window because all these materialistic things that we think bring us happiness truly don’t. What is this… this item mean to me, when I don’t even deserve to be spoken to by my girlfriend? I spent most of my day staring at my monitor as that’s all I could bear to concentrate on.
My happy moment of the day was when one of my coworkers caught my less-than-cheery mood. We closed the door and she sat in my office for an hour and we talked and I poured my heart out to her. I think by the end, she looked like she could cry too from being so touched at all the things I had to say. She’s a young and beautiful woman who has gone through a divorce and has finally found out the realities of a relationship. She said that when people are young, their goals in a relationship is much different than between two matured individuals. What you look for is more practical than through the fairy tale dreams. She said she wouldn’t’ have it “any other way” to her current relationship where her husband is 10 years older, the total opposite of her and where they get into long and heated arguments… but at the end of the day, they’re proud parents to two lovely kids and a loving marriage. She brought into perspectives the reality of two individuals forming a family and that what people expect of each other is much different than every little girl’s dream of being whisked away to the “Happily Ever After” world.
She does not deny that the chemistry and dynamics are what uphold her and her husband’s relationship, even though they have very differing views. Likewise, I apply it to my own relationship such that there is an irrefutable amount of chemistry, albeit the disagreements and arguing. At the end of the day, I can vent as much as possible through my blog, to friends or to the sorry punching bag that has to deal with my rage, but I care about her very much and she simply is the way she is. She inspired me to think about whether my relationship with my girlfriend is simply out of lustful desire or true compassion and understanding. I felt empowered after chatting with her, because through the past 5 days of me being brushed aside once again, she’s reawaken my powers to carry on. It is not easy and those who have fought tooth-and-nail for your significant other can relate to my pain. Some relationships comes together easily and some come together with a FUCK LOAD of work – but both have a common ground – to love and care for one another ’til death do them part.
I for one, have decided I will not quit although I have thought about it. My coworker shared many of the advice that many of my concerned readers gave me – commitment and patience. Words make it sound easy, but after going through 6 months prior to this of being cast aside, I could tell them anxiety, pain and DAILY mind-fuck that she has caused. There is a Chinese saying, “食唔安, 坐唔落” (Can not eat peacefully, can not sit peacefully) and imagine going through that for half a year, while still trying to go about daily-life and you can feel just a morsel of my pain. And now you wonder why I feel life is not worth living? I breathe in hard though, her words were clear to me… “Do not give up.” … and I shall not! Perhaps in a way, I am mad at myself for over-spoiling her and allowing her to think it’s right to treat me like this.. but no amount of blame ever softens the pain that the heart feels. Every day is a living hell until we can speak normally to each other again… when that will be, I don’t know… I do not wish to act hastily and I want to wait until a time of her choosing, but I will not stand idly by either.
It is almost laughable that in a way, I’m glad my workplace has a comprehensive medical coverage policy. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist isn’t all that bad of an idea, not because I have a psychological disorder, but just someone to listen to me talk. There’s only a few of my friends who I involve in my relationship ups/downs and they are certainly not always available. Perhaps a bit of encouragement, motivation and giving me back a sense of self-worth as a human-being with feelings is what I need from a doctor, haha. Suffice to say, I don’t need a psychiatrist… all I need is my family and her, that is all I ask. In a way, I find it freaky that I feel more PAINED over this than I do with the deathly absence of my father. Although I miss him greatly, I feel rather guilty that she can bring so much more pain than the death of my own dad.
I tell myself not to give up, not to think too much, go about my daily life normally, not to take my anger out on others because they don’t deserve it and a bunch of other “positive motivators” but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I have to endure this a day at a time and quite frankly, I actually realized why it is so easy to want to take the easy-way-out. I think after all this, I ought to work at one of the kids help hotlines because I have gone through all this. It suddenly dawned upon me why (as invalid as it may seem) kids would ever want to do self-inflicted injuries. Today when I sat there looking out my window, I wanted to punch it so I could feel the pain of hurting myself. I wondered what idiot (yes, me) would actually consider doing that? I remember one of my friends who went kind of nutty one time told me that because he was so depressed that he’d often enjoy cutting himself, smashing himself in the face or jumping off high places and I thought it was weird that anyone would WANT to feel pain… and now I realize, when you go through emotional pain, that physical pain seems like a walk in the park. I never quite understood why I hear about people who willingly hurt themselves and now I understand.
I suppose many of those people who end up on those hotlines are those who have suffered it first-hand before. It takes someone who’s really been there to know how these feelings feel. It is not something that can be taught in school or described in a seminar, one must feel and have experienced it to know the damage that distraught can cause. This isn’t even close to a scenario of a 1-day argument, this is long-term damage that will take a long time, if ever, to mend. Although at some point or another we will begin to talk again, in the back of my mind, I wonder if she’ll revert to the same state like this now. How many times will she do this to me? What will it take to stop her from doing this? Does she need to learn? What influences her to make such rash decisions like this? Is there someone influencing her and talking bad things about me? How can I help her so that her obligations to other things don’t affect us? We all have obligations, I need to go to work, but doesn’t mean I can’t balance her in my life. She has school, but it doesn’t mean she can’t balance me either… she just chooses not to, i.e ignoring me and then the second some other obligations comes up, then I’m just a piece that gets “set aside for later”. It is frustrating that I’m even starting to view myself as being so insignificant that something like watching a movie, playing a game or talking to her friends has more value than I do. I truly hope she will not play the ignoring-game as long as she did last time. I was once such a self-confident person… what has happened to me….?
The only thing that made me smile for longer than 5 seconds today were these pictures I caught in my front yard…. I’m not a photographer by the way, so I’m not asking you to share your mind with how crappy my pictures are. If you do, expect shit thrown back in your face. The pictures are clickable for full-resolution and I think they’re worth seeing in full-size at how beautiful the bird is…. much more beautiful than my current mood no doubt.
I wish I could be as carefree (and I don’t mean the pantiliner) as this bird… Now if you’ll excuse me from my blog, perhaps I will resume crying as I have been previously… Ya, I’m not the big macho-man. I want her in my arms right now… everything will be perfect then….