I guess doing so many posts about periods; I’ve occasionally felt compelled to read up on many things related to women’s health. I suppose there’s not all too many things that are exciting about male health, so that’s why I have little drive to write about it – or maybe it’s because I don’t feel naturally attracted to it, lol. Today, I’d like to take some time to talk about female masturbation, hopefully in an educational stance. As with many of my posts, my information is from “what I read” and also “what I hear” from my girls or from women who have in the past felt comfortable sharing this information with me. No names will be used and I will try to generalize much of this information so it is not too revealing. Furthermore, I’m going to try to avoid making this a scientific post, but rather, write this in “laymen’s terms.” Before starting, I’d like to remind EVERYONE that masturbation has nothing to do with your virginity. I must’ve stated that a lot of time when talking about tampons, but whether you insert anything or not into the vagina for masturbation purposes, it does not take away your virginity. Virginity is ‘lost’ when you have sexual intercourse, whether with opposite or same-sex partners.
So what is masturbation? Masturbation is all about pleasuring oneself sexually with or without the intent of orgasm. Masturbation is “suitable” for all ages and in fact, masturbation often occurs even in young children (whether they recognize it or not), with more prominent masturbation occurring in the tween or teen years. Masturbation is not wrong, while in some religions or cultures, it might not be acceptable. Frankly speaking, many Asian girls I know have an utter distaste for masturbation, possibly from the upbringing that to touch yourself sexually is considered wrong, perverse, dirty, disgusting, and gross or I have even been challenged with, “Why would I do such a thing? EWWW..” It is actually quite unfortunate that Asian culture – more so for Asian women – do not like to accept masturbation as a “normal” and “acceptable” thing. Things as simple as having a discussion person-to-person or from viewing forums, non-Asian cultures tend to be much more open and accepting of masturbation, amongst many other taboo subjects, including menstruation.
Masturbation is a wonderful thing for many reasons and being able to attune to one’s body is a great experience for the individual themselves. Masturbation is sometimes associated with guilt, which should not be the case. Having spoken to a few female friends before on this topic that are “against” masturbation, many see it as if they were defiling themselves or that such actions would make them feel unclean as if it would ruin their chances of obtaining a partner. Speaking for myself, I would much prefer a girl who masturbates (or has) versus one who doesn’t. This doesn’t have to do with whether she shares it with me or not, but rather, the fact that she has intimate knowledge about her own body and is willing to surrender herself to the pleasure and orgasms. Most notably, you will find that women who do masturbate and know how to reach orgasm often report more sexual satisfaction even WITH a partner, because they understand themselves. To allow someone else to pleasure you, one must know how to pleasure themselves or recognize what it feels like TO be pleasured.
Furthermore, masturbation provides for a (relatively) safe method for sexual exploration, without the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Masturbation is highly associated with those who choose to follow an abstinence lifestyle while maintaining sexual sanity. The only general dangers of masturbation would be those who do it so often where it affects a normal lifestyle or where they may use objects which pose physical risks/harm when used for masturbation purposes. Masturbation often has stereotypes associated with it and perhaps that is where some of the non-acceptances of it may stem from. I’ve heard about many “jokes” about how masturbation is for guys or girls who “don’t have a person to have sex with” or for “the losers”. You will find that many people who have partners, whether dating or married, continue to masturbate. Many people who have great sex-lives masturbate and as mentioned before, it helps enhance ourselves. I know many of my girls share with me that they masturbate regularly and enjoy trying new techniques and products. Masturbation I think really encourages fostering self-love and positive body image. By opening our body to pleasure, we give ourselves opportunity to better ourselves and that is why I truly hope women take the time to explore themselves, whether they feel a sexual-drive or not, it will open the doors to a truly wonderful experience. I always want to encourage bebe to explore herself, not necessarily because I want to push her to have sex with me, but also because I feel this self-exploration will help her heart unlock and open-up when it comes to KNOWING what the feeling of touching and intimacy is supposed to feel like and what it’s all about. She likes sleeping because it feels great so I definitely hope she’ll give herself an opportunity to pleasure herself!
Female masturbation can be achieved in one of many ways, either by the most natural method of using ones hands and fingers, or objects. Younger girls because of the inaccessibility of sex toys, often use manual stimulation or stimulation by using household objects. My ex used to use a highlighter/pen, electric toothbrush and even a pocket-vibrator. Some of my girls enjoy using hand/finger stimulation because it allows us to be in-touch with our bodies in the most natural form. Since our hands and fingers are part of us, it doesn’t require us to “carry” anything extra for the purpose of masturbation and of course it is free, discrete, soundless and does not require consumables (battery). The act of touching oneself skin-to-skin is a very liberating feeling while immersing in the ecstasy of pleasure. Household objects such as cucumbers, hairbrush handles, pillows, arm-rest and such are known to be widely available to girls who do not have or do not wish to buy sex-toys. The alternative is the variety of sex toys for girls of age or those who have an older adult who are willing to buy it for them. Sex toys are generally not sold to those under 18, but an understanding sibling, friend or even parent can certainly obtain it for them and it is not illegal to USE it. As rare as the situation may come up, I would be more than happy to buy my son or daughter a sex-toy should they require. It’s a much better alternative for them to understand their bodies sexually, respect it and have a safe output for sexual needs rather than actually finding a guy/girl to satisfy their curiosity. Whatever objects are used, it is necessary to make sure it is clean/sterile and that it is respectful to the delicate vaginal/anal environment. An object which could “break” and “get lost” within your vagina/rectum is never a good idea. Preferably the object should also be “safe” for human contact, especially for internal human contact.
Females are lucky in the sense that they have so many erogenous zones, most notably nipples, vagina, clitoris and anus. Obviously it is also possible that women have erogenous zones in non-sexual parts of their bodies and ones which over the course of time I have discovered to be quite interesting. Since I don’t want to be overly revealing about the partners I’ve had, I won’t mention their “trigger points” and also because every woman is different as to what areas you can touch to get them turned on. One thing that is or should be well known is that most women require stimulation to their clitoris to reach the state of orgasm. Many women do not orgasm through direct stimulation inside their vaginal, but rather, an interconnected pleasure via their clit which causes them to “think” they receive pleasured through vaginal stimulation. While this idea may seem far-fetched since intercourse is highlighted usually by penile-vaginal insertion, I can certainly back this statement up by referencing Masters and Johnson, which states that, “Most women can only achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation.” Most girls growing up do not discover masturbation because they put their fingers inside themselves, but most likely as a result of a euphoric feeling when they rub themselves against an object or when washing/touching their own body. One of my girls admitted to me the reason why she even found out that she can “feel good” when rubbing that area is because she was talking to her parents one time and sat on the arms of a chair and associated that rush of good-feel with that area of her body. As far as she was concerned at the time, her vaginal area has always been described to her as her ‘private part’ and for ‘peeing’ that she was completely unaware of the sexual pleasure which it brought. With all this said, certainly vaginal stimulation can bring pleasure and orgasm, but it is known that the clitoris’ sole purpose as part of the female sexual anatomy is to bring pleasure.
Now that we understand stimulation a bit, we can proceed to talk about the most common methods of stimulating. The most common method is rubbing the clit with fingers or the hand. Alternately a popular method called “fingering” is self-explanatory, where the girl moves her fingers in and out of her vagina. When using the fingering method, it is possible to stimulate the clit with a spare finger as well, thus heightening the feeling of sexual excitement. When sexual arousal occurs, the vagina begins to self-lubricate by releasing a substance used to make insertion easier. However, those who are experiencing “dry spells” or prefer addition lubrication, some women use their own saliva or 3rd party lube to help enhance the moment. Because the anus itself is also an erogenous zone, similar rubbing or insertion action can result in arousal. One can also stimulate their nipples by rubbing it or even licking/light bites. Household products are often used to replicate the purpose of sex-toys when they’re not available/practical. Sex toys are designed to target erogenous areas in a better method than what can be achieved with manual stimulation. For instance, sex-toys may be able to reach places that our hands and fingers may not be able to reach – or – may not be able to stimulate all at the same time. Vibrators, dildos, beads and clitoral stimulators are all meant to produce pleasure either from stimulation or insertion, most often a combination of both. Some products must be held or inserted into place while others can be “worn” so that it allows for hands-free operations. Vibrators, dildos and beads are usually inserted into the vaginal and meant to hit the g-spot or “shake in place” to help push against the vaginal walls to create pleasure. Stimulators are usually held on top of erogenous zones, such as over the clit or over the nipples. Alternate toys are also created for anal use as they need to vary in size and texture as to not damage the anal cavity. If you want something that is super-discrete, the shower head is a wonderful little invention.
So why is it great for girls to masturbate? With the most obvious feeling of a great orgasm for the girl and self-exploration, it is of great benefits for your future/current partner. There are many more women who complain about not being able to orgasm than men. Even women who are married and could possibly have had years of sex, may never have actually experienced orgasm. It is very sad, not only for a partner, but even for the individual herself. Sexual response and orgasms are not things that are generally “learned” from a partner, but rather, through the person themselves. This kind of relates to the whole, “in order to love someone, you must first learn to love yourself” – a statement that I’ve tried to communicate to my bebe, without seeming rash or that I’m constantly pressuring her to do more. For me, it is all about her and wanting to encourage her to accept her body which she has been beautifully given. This type of openness if she ever achieves it will be the stepping stones for our relationship as well because it opens our eyes to the many wonders of intimacy around us, giving us but a brief moment where we can be completely unguarded and absorb the pleasures of life and the world. The moment that a girl feels orgasm reaching, the pulses of excitement and the pleasure of vaginal contractions, I cannot think of anything else but breathlessness and clarity-of-mind for the girl. Some women feel their body is something to be shy of and lots admit they have never fully undressed and looked at themselves in the mirror. If they have, even a fewer portion has allowed themselves to inspect their body and let their hands move around. For many, the only time a girl will have done something like this is perhaps to do a breast exam or health inspection, but never to truly understand oneself. This is all meant to create self-love and foster self-confidence. If a woman is barely comfortable with looking at her OWN body, how can she accept a partner looking at her? Even like last night when I touched bebe’s face or as I held her, she was much too shy to look at me or take the time to savour my touches, but rather, probably felt uncomfortable with bodily contact which she is not used to or felt self-conscious.
I remember a conversation I had with one of my god-sis and she kept on insisting about this really “hot boy” she wanted to have sex with. I asked her how much she knew about her body and she said “not a lot” and I had asked her if she ever has touched herself or looked at her body. She said the only time she does that is when she takes a shower or gets dressed and that the touching is “not sexual”. I questioned her further, asking her why she feels comfortable having sex with a guy, yet, is afraid to have even rubbed herself or felt shy about exploring her own body. She kind of blinked her eyes at me, not knowing how to answer because I posed a challenge which made her question WHY she could accept another person groping away at her body but have never done it herself. If in fact she saw masturbating or exploring herself as being disgusting or dirty, why is it any cleaner when done by someone else? In the end I’m not sure if she did end up having sex with the guy (knowing her, probably), but it was probably a question she still cannot answer!
Unlike male masturbation, female masturbation is a particular taboo subject. It almost seems like males and female masturbation frequency/discovery is on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Most males discover masturbation at an early age and continues to masturbate frequently (and notoriously during puberty) until they reach middle-age where it begins to plateau. Females tend to discover masturbation later in life and the number of older female masturbators tends to be higher. This shows that in the past generation, masturbation was not discovered until much later on for women and it isn’t until later in age where masturbation becomes an “acceptable” and “normal” thing – and seen as a “slutty” action at younger ages. It is almost “freely acknowledged” that males masturbate and with little stigma attached to it, but when a girl masturbates, it’s almost like the end-of-the-world. Masturbation for women sometimes come about “through” their first sexual experience, then knowing how wonderful it feels, they begin to explore and adopt masturbation as part of their lifestyle. I think this is contrary to what it should be, because girls should first learn to masturbate then have sex. Certainly women are supressed when it comes to masturbation and it’s such a taboo/frowned upon thing that they ignore their own sexual impulses to curtail to what society expects. Perhaps women are quite sexual too and have ‘needs’ just as guys do, but because masturbation for women isn’t as highly looked upon, they resist the urge to satisfy themselves and therefore only forcing themselves to be unresponsive and frigid. This worries me as well for bebe – because she is so conservative and ‘proper’ that I think she may even be supressing her feelings of need, whether she knows it or not. Sometimes I can see glimpses of emotions from her trying to escape and I feel touched, but then when she realizes she “lets herself out too much” she pulls back in. While this is not necessarily sexual frustration that caused this, but speaking from the viewpoint of masturbation, had she allowed herself to submit to her emotions and perhaps carnal pleasure at some point, she would be more easily receptive to listening to her emotional responses and smoothly initiate relationship advancements. Clearly said, masturbation provides more than just sexual fulfillment, but fosters personal growth in many many ways!
If you have any thoughts or questions about masturbation, female or otherwise, please feel free to comment or send me an email! I’d be happy to answer them if I can, find alternate sources or perhaps point you to the right direction.
Hrm… maybe I should not have used the word “loved” – but hey, it’s much catchier title. Today, talking to my cousin about my many love concerns, his maturity really helped me see things through. I definitely consider my “ways of thinking” to be older than my own age, but it always helps to talk to someone you can truly trust for great advice. I’m an interesting person because I have friends of all ages, all from teenagers all the way to the retiree. Because of that, I make a great social networking (not the Facebook type) because I’m not afraid to reach out to those younger and those older. Although I usually do not burden those around me with my concerns, they are always willing to lend an ear, a hand or whatever help I need whenever I speak up. I’ve talked to handful of people only about my relationship with bebe, because it is complex, sometimes frustrating but then I also go on my very long raves about how amazing of a girl bebe is to me!
I look bad, thinking about how the past 2 years I’ve known bebe that transpired. Do I regret it? Do I regret reaching out to her in the first place, introducing myself and sending myself into a year of torment and half a year of being ignored – for the sake of the past 4 months of happiness? Do I regret that this will all be a waste of time if things don’t work out? What steps do we take from here? Do I play it nice or do I have to be a rough-guy to get bebe’s attention? All these questions floated in my mind when I talked to my cousin. I think to myself, there is nothing I regret about this relationship. Ask me to re-live it all over again and I would’ve made the same choice, to love bebe like I love her today, even if I have to go through the years of pain. The pain is not over however, as I still struggle every day worrying whether she will stay with me. Every day, I lose a few extra strands of hair over the stress she causes me – but I’d have it no other way. Ask a loving parent if they would still have that naughty child of theirs if they could turn back the hands of time and they will fearlessly say, “Yes I would.” That is the same way I feel about bebe, I will love her until death do us part and I want to take care of her in this lifetime to eternity.
So why does my topic title say, “Sucks to be Wrong, but Great to be Loved” you may ask? It is because as I was reflecting upon everything in our relationship, about me as an individual and about her as an individual, I take time to bring my thoughts together, analyze what she has conveyed and said to me and it makes me very happy. I cannot say that I do not wish more out of this relationship right now, but certainly, we are not moving backwards. Although I’ve briefly mentioned this in comments to one of my best friends on my blog before, I thought about all the things that bebe has pointed out to me – things that I perceive differently or only something that she can point out for me to see. Because we are both different people with a different mindset, sometimes she has to say to me, “You are important to me and I can prove it because…” because not everything, I hold in the same regards as she does or do not place the same value onto it. Let me explain further.
On our first date together, she let me into her room. In fact on several occasions, she walked out of her room, leaving me unattended. It truly shows her trust in me, even though our first date, we hardly known each other. Was she not afraid I’d steal something? Was she not afraid I’d leave something bad in her room? On our first date, we also laid next to each other. No one here knows bebe well enough to know that she is a very conservative girl – probably the most innocent girl next to being a nun. To have each other on the same bed (I stress we didn’t DO anything), is a deep sign of comfort. I had “gone further” that day than she had intended and she wasn’t comfortable with it. I held her hand and even her shoulders when we went out, she didn’t lash back. Later, she was honest with me that she was uncomfortable we did that on a first date (even though I had felt comfortable in doing so). To not make the situation awkward, she didn’t express it to me at that time. This shows the respect she had for me to have considered my feelings. Up to today, she’s given me second chances… in fact, LOTS of chances for us to rekindle our relationship and not have sought another guy, that shows lots of loyalty. Last but not least, recently she’s expressed a lot of things she’s been doing all along on our behalf – to make this relationship work. We have known each other for a long time, lots of downs and lots of ups… but the weird feelings she has not ever been able to express, she’s trying to fight it down and has put forth much effort because whether it shows or not, I am “someone special” to her. To me, this is above and beyond commitment.
Lets look back at everything I’ve highlighted in red. Trust, comfort, honest(y), respect, loyalty and commitment. These things are the core principle of any outstanding relationship. While bebe and I have many steps to take together, I feel so positive about it, more so than ever before. The difference with this time around, even SHE believes we can do it. Before, it was all optimism on my part (as far as I knew, I could be wrong) that my love will help light the path for her… but now, even she’s beginning to crawl towards this glorious path we have yet to walk together on. Although her feelings for me are still buried deep down within, she is willing to bring herself to draw those positive feelings out for me and that she can play a big role in moving this relationship in the right direction. I am touched and honoured, to have met her and to be given a chance with her. I am blessed that I will one day be able to “officially” call her my girlfriend, my wife and the mother to our children. Combine all those values stated above and we know that by no means is this not a sign of love, whether we’d like to believe it or not. The proof is in our worldly history, omnia vincit amor a Latin phrase from Eclogue X by Virgil – love conquers all.
The reason why it is so important to reflect upon things in life is you find yourself transcending above what normally passes through your mind. Also, it allows your mind to set into place of someone else. Bebe and I are individuals, we do not see things alike and therefore, what she holds in great value, she has to point out for me to understand. Likewise, certain gestures and things I do for her from my heart, sometimes she does not always see and I have to point it out to her that to me, such an action is of great importance or represents something that I do only for her. We both put innumerable and indescribable effort towards this relationships – most of which the other side is blind to seeing. I cannot even describe all the things I do for her to win her over and likewise, I cannot fathom what she has to go through to bring herself to a level of comfort to accept me. We both have our faults, faults – not as in blame – but faults, as in our inability to express the struggles that we BOTH put ourselves through… and for what? For the sake of each other! Still, what does this all have to do with my blog entry title? It is because it sucks to be wrong that I complain about bebe not putting in effort or seemingly blame her for not showing that I am someone special in her life. As much as I dislike being wrong in life (as much as it happens), this is one of those situations that I’d much rather be loved and be wrong.
She puts into perspective that if I’m truly not “someone special” to her… she would not have even bothered going this far for us. She could very well pack up, leave and have her “old life” back – something which as much as our relationship is strengthening, still a very worrying factor. She is letting me take her out of dates and regularly keeping in touch in an attempt to open the doors of communication to each other – that is something she repealed for a year until she felt like she could partially accept me in her life. By bebe making that step to talk to me again, she sealed the fate of my happiness and also gave HERSELF a second chance at having a guy who’s willing to love her 101% – which is not just what “any guy” can give her, THAT of which I am certain (yes yes, I can have quite the self-confidence sometimes). Now constantly, she is making great strides into bringing me from “someone important” to “someone she cannot live without” and that is an ABSOLUTE BLESSING for me. I cannot even convey in words, how much her actions mean to me. Someone on my blog said to me that it seems like I’m more unhappy with bebe, rather than being more happy with her. I replied saying that really, only the two people IN the relationship truly knows what it feels. I can only speak for myself, but without a doubt I am happy with her and count the day I have met her to be the most wonderful day of my life. A lot of people count their wedding or when they have their first child as the best day ever… but I’m realistic and consider that the day we met IS the day that I will cherish forever because without that day, the “best day ever” of being married or having children would all be impossible.
It is imperative that bebe and I continue to have the drive to move this relationship forward. Once we hit that point where we are comfortable enough to let things go on “auto drive” – then we know that nothing else could possibly go wrong. We have been through so much with each other that I think that hardly anything in the future would be as great as an obstacle as this. The good thing is that once bebe knows that I am ‘the one’ and that she can settle with me, things will simply fall into place and we don’t need to suffer through the latter trials which other couples endure. I suppose I’d much rather “suffer now” – than “suffer later”… and suffer I have already, LOL! I feel very lucky to be that ‘someone special’ for bebe… I just hope that soon, we can get rid of that love-sucking monster that’s inside of her so that she can EXPRESS that love to me and that finally, she can fully absorb the love I want to give her!
Although I had thought that love is an definitive moment of an accomplishment and that when bebe one day utters the words, “I love you” to me that it would be THE everlasting dream… all of a sudden, I realize that as my love grows for her each and everyday, that it is not about waiting for the final outcome, but that as a well known quote said, “Love is a journey, not a destination.” Although bebe doesn’t quite love me today or tomorrow, she will one day and her love for me will grow just like mine has for her, we will look back and remember how we got to that very day and that the journey we took to get there!
Every time I go to the temple to pray, I ask the heavens to bless bebe and I…
百年好合, 白头偕老, 早生贵子 and of course most importantly, 永结同心!
Another date night, I’m starting to really like this habit. It’s great that we actually get to spend quality time with each other now. Although we have much to improve on to be a full-out couple, it can only be achieved with small and slow steps with a girl who is not as exposed to conventional relationships. My blog is sometimes a great output for my thoughts, frustrations and also, much happiness. One may wonder, why not confide in my friends? I do and certainly, I have many close ones who I can share the most private details of my life with, but also, there is sometimes solace into putting down thoughts where (in general), no one knows who you are. On the same note, some of my close friends live far away and across multiple timezones where they’re not always at my whining-disposal.
Today, I was a bit disappointed in myself because I allowed bebe to choose such a boring place. Partially, I misunderstood her in the sense that I had thought she wanted to stay “in-town” … I wanted to take her to somewhere nice, exciting and enjoyable. Instead, I took her to a not-so-exciting Casino. While it’s perhaps her fault for making the final say to go there, it was equally my fault for suggesting it. Last time I went to the casino, it was with coworkers for a conference and the horse-race tracks were open. Today, the atmosphere in there was dull and there are definitely no races going on in this kind of weather! Also, this particular casino because it is a ‘charity’ casino, offers lower payouts, less engagement and fewer game variations. For me, spending time with bebe is irrelevant where we are, but just that I enjoy her company and that having an activity seems to keep bebe more “in tune” rather than us just constantly talking and having nothing left to say.
We didn’t spend too long there, perhaps an hour and a half and we had already felt bored enough to leave. I spent quite a bit of money there I have to unfortunately admit. I normally do not spend that much money, but with bebe there, I wanted to “do” something as well just so that I wouldn’t constantly be following her around. I did sneak up on her since we had separated to play our own games and I lightly squeeze her sides. She turned, gasped and reminded me she was ticklish there (which I knew) and I smiled. Although she squirmed at the ticklishness, her smile was sweet and gentle, as if my touch to her is much more comfortable now. Sometimes I even have my own moments of shyness. As I was walking behind her, I accidentally stepped on the heel of her shoe and I tripped. As I tumbled forward, I had to leverage her back to keep myself from slamming down on top of her and I quickly drew my hands away after balancing myself. If I had touched her with intention, I wouldn’t have relented, but because this was a completely “unprovoked” and “surprize” touch which I did not expect to do, I felt rather shy.
We decided to take it easy on the food today and because we stayed in town, there wasn’t a lot of “choice” for us… and also resulting me in finding out bebe can be quite a picky eater sometime (can I live with that? LOL…) We went to a local Chinese restaurant for some simple food… we didn’t exactly expect quality nor cheap prices, but that’s what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices or alternatives for people to compare to… then you can make crap-quality food and still get away with it. We ordered a couple of items for her brothers as well which was kind of nice. She wanted to pay, but again, as a guy it almost seems unusual for me to let her pay. Also, her brothers… will be my brothers too one day, so there was no need for me to be so “calculating.” Unfortunately I don’t think bebe told them that I treated them to dinner 😦 So they probably don’t even know. However, as I sat around the restaurant today, there were many people are speaking Mandarin and also bebe ordered in Mandarin, so it was rather nice to actually be able to listen-in to conversations going around you and having an idea of what they’re talking about, even when I’m not capable yet of picking up every single word. I feel proud, because picking up a language is quite hard and also I feel that I can gloat about the fact I only began to learn just for the sake of bebe.
We have nice conversations in the car and although there are moments of silence, I’m actually ok with them now. To me, silence before was just an awkward situation and I’d always try to stir up conversation or just run it in circles until either of us came up with something to say. After talking to bebe last night about how we perceived things, it made me more comfortable with the idea of silence some times. We came to common ground on things too which really helped us connect. I always thought that silence would just kind of give off a bad vibe, but it’s a good thing that we agreed on that silence can just be as effective and relaxing as engaging in a conversation. Her home is starting to feel very warm to me now… I feel as if it’s just a part of my regular life now. I come and go through the allowable (her rented portion) of the house and I even do my own things unattended. She brought up a very good point in the fact she does show a lot of trust and comfort with me, as even the very first time I went on a date with her, she allowed me into her room – which is where her most private haven of her house is. Although I qualified it before as simply that students living in a rented house just usually invite people into their rooms since it’s “their area” – bebe said it was not the case as many ‘normal’ friends simply stayed in the den downstairs.
So for the next few hours, I spent it getting a monitor mount attached to her wall. It took a lot of make-shift work because we didn’t have all the tools at our disposal. It’s a good thing I had already borrowed a co-workers power drill, otherwise we would’ve been even more screwed (literally). We had to use a small drill bit to first punch a hole into the wall and to make an opening, because the wall-screws that were designed for the mount were to be mounted by-hand only. These bolts were long and thick (just like my penis… harhar, just joking) and we needed to get 4 of them in to secure the mount. Getting the monitor on the mount was easy because I’ve done it a lot for work… but getting the mount on the wall which I’ve never done was a different story, but turned out very well! However, because the I had to attach the monitor first, we also had to hold the monitor AND the mount while doing this drilling/mounting process. Sure, 20lbs for a minute or two isn’t hard, but we had to hold it up for prolonged periods of time while manually screwing in the long bolts which a WRENCH. It was so accomplishing when the mount was up and the monitor angled to bebe’s liking! I felt like I just cured cancer or something, it was simply a proud moment and more importantly, I felt happy to know that this is what bebe wanted!
With the mount in place, things were looking damn good. I then proceeded to work on the computer having to transfer some hardware on her existing desktop to the new one. The logistics of transferring hardware is simple, however, a piece of antiquated hardware did not function and it’s a good thing I brought something more “modern” just-in-case. Also the computer has a lock on it, so I actually had to remove the lock every time I wanted to crack open the case. It wasn’t until after I had asked bebe to grab the keys from my pockets that I realized I had left a Stayfree Overnight Maxi in my jacket, lol. Then I double-thought and this is bebe we’re talking about… she already knows all about my interests, so then my immediate reaction of embarrassment died down. Had it been someone else, that would’ve felt weird, haha. She didn’t even flinch anyways when she grabbed my keys from my pocket. When I had asked her to get my keys, I also lacked being specific which was my fault. She was like, “What keys?” and then she started to tug at my wallet in my pant-pocket. It’s not so much that I had a problem with that, but rather, her hands were stroking my leg at that point and seriously, had she done that any longer and I would have ripped her clothes off and started going at it with her 😆 … whether she liked it or not, HAHAHA. Although I don’t get hard in bebe’s presence out of respect, I have to say that was a wonderful feeling because her touch is so gentle and beautiful.
Getting the software to cooperate was a bit of a pain, but once we had the desktop working properly with all the peripherals and stuff, it was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment! I was happy mainly because I thought bebe would be happy too, which is very important to me! We also got to “do something together” when putting up the mount which is something I really think all couples ought to do more often, find something to cooperate and work on with each other, whether it is something as household chores or building something together. In general, the good portion of the night I had little complaints over, other than my failure to find something “exciting” to do or a place to go, but our night was simple enough. I think bebe needs to show some excitement sometimes though, particular if someone has done something out-of-the-ordinary for her. Even after I had everything done, she lacked the “enthusiasm” as if what I did disappointed her. I spent money, time and much effort on behalf of her, I at least expected a bit of “Wow, I’m so happy!” or “This is great, thanks so much!” … but I truly did not see the gratefulness or happiness – or perhaps it was more dull than I expected. I know she helped me get things set up, so she definitely had credit for participating, but ya…
I mentioned to her, “Cool! Now we can watch things together” and all I got was a grunt. Well, she said it wasn’t a grunt, but it wasn’t much of an answer either I suppose. It was very anti-climatic and disappointing when she showed no signs of “yay” so to speak. She seemed like she wanted to get me out of the house fast so she could go watch her damn shows, rather than taking the time to appreciate all the fine work that had gone into planning this. I had promised her I wouldn’t linger and had already done my best to pack things up and not sit around all night for her to entertain me. I mean we both have an understanding now that we’d much rather spend short amounts of time with each other, then learn to slowly accept seeing each other for longer periods and I’m cool with that. However, how fast did she expect me to leave? Should I have had half my body out the door as the computer turned on or something? Oddly enough, she RUSHES things like this so much, but then how come I don’t see her equally RUSHING our relationship to go further? Inconsistency I smell?
On the good side of closeness was that throughout the earlier portions of the day, we could walk close together now. Even as she was lying on her bed and I sat close to her, she didn’t shuffle away or have any weird body gesture. In fact, her body-language is much more “inviting” now. However, it is still unfortunate that if I lie on her bed first, she won’t come sit beside me, she’d rather sit on the floor or somewhere “away”. It kind of makes me want to scream and say, “Come on! What the fuck – do I have a communicable disease you have to sit so far away?” – but of course I won’t, I just come on my blog to vent or go shoot a couple of rounds to release my tension. It’s not fair for me to release my upset-feelings sometimes with things on her. I did today, catching myself looking at her body much more – and I don’t mean “those” types of areas – just places where I’ve never bothered looking at before. What a pretty little girl she is – I just want to squeeze her for her cuteness. She was hesitant to let me look through her pad-stash, so bleh, although I couldn’t come up with the courage to ask her when she had her last period because I’m dying to know! Maybe if I’m lucky enough, she’ll tell me? Hehehe.. that’d be wonderful if we started going out more often when she has her period 😀
The night ended ok… neither extremely happy nor saddened. Her hug today was unlike last time, she didn’t pull me in and it was again, very quick. I must admit my annoyance with the way she hugged me today. When I kind of motioned for a hug goodnight, she kind of gave me that look, almost an incredulous one like, “What, you expect a hug from me?” or a very hesitant, “Um.. sigh, fine ok…” rather than a receptive one. Maybe sometimes I analyze too much to her body-language and cues, but hey, I had spent a lot of time learning to understand body cues and emotional language when I took my business-management course. Perhaps sometimes she doesn’t even mean to make these gestures or consciously do something to make me fume, but every once in a while I just want to roll my eyes back and feel exasperated.
I dedicated my entire night to helping her out, deep down from my heart, I wasn’t trying to “buy” a hug from her or expect some kind of payment, but surely, I should not get that type of resistance asking for something like this. This isn’t a kiss, this isn’t sex on the street, it is just a hug and worse off was that she kind of gives me this pat when she’s hugging me. Perhaps she doesn’t not intimately hug guys a lot and not aware, but patting someone in a hug is often a “there there” comforting type of hug you give someone when you’re trying to reassure them, like when you go to give regards at a funeral or something 🙄 – so patting is not the thing to do under an “embracing” circumstance – it was downright weird for me. Last time was a beautiful light squeeze, which left me dazed and feeling appreciated. This time, I just felt like she wanted to get back in her house, because the computer was much more important than me. I know such close physical contact for her is still on the ‘hard to accept’ side, but it’s a very small step in the right direction for us. I just don’t know why the last hug was more “intimate” than this one, even though she should be even more appreciative and happy with me today, albeit going to a very shitty casino. We need to begin embracing each other on hugs, because that is what they’re about. It should not be a sloppy, arms up, wrap, squeeze (if that even exists) and then drop them and run away. It should be a very smooth hug with some time in between a graceful letting-go. Often our bodies show a lot, when I let her go, it is a “lingering” type of letting go, almost a, “Please don’t leave me, I miss you already!” but I get the, “Hurry up, I have more important things than you.” type of feel. In the end, both accomplish the same thing, it is an “ending” of the hug, but it’s the results of the overall feel afterward. Equate it to the idea of that people are born, and people die. Would you rather die in some miserable, horrible and quick method or a natural and peaceful resolution?
Perhaps as I mentioned, I over-analyze everything, even when it is not her intention to express such things. Maybe she’s also unaware of some things that in our culture, perhaps is a different than hers. I know that over time, we will establish further comfort, but I need to encourage, foster and perhaps even educate her on these things. I admit, I had to be educated on these things as well by ex-girlfriends because sometimes, I had my follies as well. As I write this, I’m feeling kind of down just from the mishap of the hug (why the hell is the hug going backward when it was so spectacular last time?) and perhaps the lack of “care” she seemed to have about all I did. I’m not asking her compensation per se, only the matter of feeling that warmth of being cherished. She should feel even more comfortable this time because I played by her rules as to not over-reach my staying limits, so how can she still treat me so rashly? I also noticed towards the end of the night (because it’s not like I purposely stare at her chest) she wasn’t wearing the necklace I gave her. Apparently it didn’t match her clothing. I try hard to not doubt what she said to me, only because the necklace I gave her was something that is pretty much perma-wearable. However, I should give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, I am supposed to be trusting of her.
I look forward to our next date as usual and of course these dates don’t always have to involve going out. Now that we got something nice in her room, we could really just make it a simple evening… perhaps dropping by at her house after work with some take-out or “easy-to-make” foods, hang out around the house, run some errands or help our with chores, have some food and lay back to watch something together. If we’re feeling full, find a park or somewhere nice to walk around and just enjoy each others’ company and then call it a night. I can lead both simple and complex lifestyles, but when I’m with the person I love, what we do really doesn’t matter – but a matter of who you’re with, and to me, she IS the person who I want to be with.
You know what a Friday more awesome than Friday’s already are? Getting to spend it with the girl you love! Damn tonight was pretty great… and I was totally surprized by bebe sending me a message to see if I could pick her up. I mean, there’s two ways I can see this… 1) she looks for me when she wants something from me, or 2) she wants something from me but would also like to see me. I’m hoping more so #2 is the case rather than #1. I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone, picking her up from her friend’s place in another city, bringing her back and also spending some quality time with her – but I also don’t want to become this “slave” to her bidding – I do want a nice balance of “I’m more than happy to be a nice guy and do things for you, but I’ll expect I get some appreciation from it” and I think that’s a pretty fair expectation. Appreciation can be shown in many forms and tonight, I felt pretty warm inside when I went home.
You know, bebe and I aren’t the typical couple at all… you know, most “new” couples go through the whole attached-at-the-hip stage. I don’t think we’ve really gone through that phase and that’s why I always consider bebe and myself to be living more of a “matured” relationship rather than a new one. When people first get involved, they find themselves not being able to be apart for more than second. The second the person leaves their sight, they want them back. When going home, you just want to tell them, “Aww.. can’t you stay for just a few more minutes PPULLEEASSEE?” – those are the true signs of a ‘new’ relationship! For bebe and I… we can pretty much survive without seeing each other for a while, yet pick up where we left off. And no doubt, I do miss her when I don’t see her for a period of time, but we’re also not exchanging 500 text messages a day or chatting via IM. We are more like the “been together for a while” type of couple – we do our own things, get together ‘if we have time’ and very docile couple.
I suppose one of the few complaints I have about when we get together is that she always makes it seem like I’m more of a bother being in her presence than when I am not. For instance, I was just lying on her bed and I wanted to just rest my eyes because I’ve been so exhausted driving for 3 hours. A bit of understanding and a girl would offer to let you get a few moments of shut-eye for a SAFE drive home. Instead, she tells me I’ve “seen her since 3” and it was 9PM at the time. So I saw her for a total of 6 hours when I haven’t seen her for a week and that is already “too long”… I mean, really, fucking really? When I think of spending dating time, even “once a week” is too little, let alone less than half a day of time spent together is not enough and she’s already complaining about me staying too long. More so of the fact I just wanted to close my eyes just so that I can concentrate on driving home. I would not dare expect she even offer to let me stay the night, because we all know that won’t happen, but to even let me rest a moment – I was denied that.
I left her a spot for her to sit beside me, she purposely moved her laptop to the table to use it rather than sit next to me. I was slightly perturbed and wanted to hit the wall, but I decided against letting my temper take the better of me. So I finished taking her to buy groceries, out for dinner, bringing her home from a different city, helping her with her computer and she can’t even sit next to me and have a nice talk or something together before ‘suggesting’ that I leave. I hate the distance she casts between us… yet at the same time, many moments throughout the night, we’re so close to each other and things are like having heaven on earth. There’s a major issue when you feel 6 hours with someone is too much, what happens when you’re under the safe roof and have kids? You want to throw your kids away after they’re born 6 hours later? I mean if there was consistency though with her actions, I would consider it legit. Yet, she sees me for 6 hours and thinks I’ve stuck around too long, but she’s stayed for week-on-ends at her friends place, seeing them for many more hours in a day than she sees me, yet she doesn’t get tired of being with them – that’s the only reason why I get frustrated with her claims, because it doesn’t match “all around”…
Bebe and I tonight had some pretty lighthearted conversation 🙂 I’m quite happy and content with how tonight turned out, minus being a bit grumpy when she practically kicked me out of the house, LOL. Ok, so it wasn’t that severe, but it was rather unprecedented. The reason why I usually spend so much time with her on a single day is because we don’t spend enough days together. Let’s just say that we regularly said, we’re going to see each other several times a week or even specific “date nights”, then that’d be all fine and dandy. But we don’t have set days we see each other, so it may be 1 week or 1 month that I don’t see her again. It’s kind of shitty that way, because that’s the REASON why I always linger around, because I don’t know when the next time she’ll be available again. If we spent more smaller periods of time over a week together, I’d be less inclined to always stick around after activities. The thing is, she already has this super bad habit of ignoring me, whether by Facebook, MSN or whatever.. I’m starting to lose reliable methods of contact, when I send her a MSN message, I don’t fucking know whether she gets it because she likes to block, unblock, hide and all that rude shit that who-knows-why someone can justify doing that to someone who cares so deeply about her. This isn’t a matter of blocking the random freak you met at a bar or your ex-best friend who stole your boyfriend, she’s finding ways of “hiding” herself from the man who wants to give her a world – is that fucked or what? I’ve already told her, I’m insistent that the more she hides from me, the more I will find things out about her and her friends in more resourceful and probably, more defiant ways.
If she was just honest to me or say if she didn’t feel like chatting to just tell me, “I don’t feel like talking right now” or “Sorry, now’s not a good time” rather than treating me like I should be ignored, I’d be much more amiable and feel better about myself. Today, we ran over the topic of confidence and I was about to mention to her that sometimes that lack of self-confidence I have is because she steps on my confidence level. To me, I like to reassure her that she is my one-and-only girl on my mind, that she’s absolutely beautiful and not even her most ‘beautiful’ friends could beat her out and that practical and justifable things that she does, I would support her without a doubt! To me, when it comes to communication, all she does is make me feel like shit, make me cry and completely hurt when she feels it is NECESSARY to hide/block me from communication methods. It’s a good thing that having some knowledge about breaking Facebook and MSN that I can still manage to get by some of the sneaky things she does to me, but lets face it, I should NOT have to do those kind of things against the woman I love. The communication sometimes even has breakdowns where I may say something and she’ll just have no reply. This isn’t just even by text, she even does that in person 😆 and sometimes just replies to me in grunts… I thought replying using grunts was a guy thing to do? Like when we watch TV and girls are disturbing us, we just grunt as a reply, HAH.
You know, most girlfriends keep their boyfriends as the one person who can find her in the MOST ways possible. I let bebe know every way she can get a hold of me, even a private number that I don’t tell most of my friends. I have her able to see me on Facebook, MSN, or any other communication method even if I don’t let others see me, because I want to be fully accessible to her. In her mind, she needs to be fully accessible to everyone BUT me… that is a shit-can-in-a-toilet-bowl. Please feel free people to tell me how such an action is justifiable under the scenario where we are supposed to be open, trusting and loyal to each other? So I had left my remote session desktop open on her computer, luckily I didn’t have any of my tools active, LOL… and I just casually mentioned to her she hadn’t talked to me on MSN since Feb 26th and she says, “Oh, that isn’t so long ago”… um.. it is Mar 4th today honey, that’s quite a friggin while. Anyways, enough of a bitching, I just get frustrated with all the excuses she has because it “only applies to me” and no one else 🙄 The good thing is that I can be assured bebe will never be a criminal… or at least not a good criminal, because she’s a terrible liar 😛 she couldn’t hide the most important of things if she wanted to XD
So we finally did some domestic stuff today like buying groceries together. We are such a wonderful couple XD I mean, I look like a servant ‘cuz I follow behind her, but I feel so gosh-darn happy just seeing her shop and being able to walk around with her, help out, discuss things – very “family-like” feeling, just like mom and dad. In both of the markets we went too, I was being a good boy and avoided going to my favourite section as not to have to drag her to look at stuff with me, haha. Although come to think of it, I do need to ask her to buy a package for me at T&T which apparently for some reason, I seem to be afraid of buying that stuff at Asian places – maybe because there seems to be more eyes and people here tend to be more judgmental!
So what a beautiful night and we wrapped up it nicely with a nice tight hug. I was even surprized at her pulling me in close and the force she managed to do it with, LOL. I’m a pretty big guy and not easy to move… and she’s this cute tiny girl who apparently has quite the power to pull me in an inward motion successfully 😀 I felt so close to her, her body so warm against mine and for a moment, we were one – our hearts beating one on another… soooo sweet it’d make anyone melt. Nevertheless, it was rather rushed as it was quick, abrupt and out the door, rather than savouring the moment. When you give people intimate-type hugs, you hold them and want to be inseparable. For her, she hugged, wrapped up and practically threw me out the door, lol. We just need to work on some physical intimacy and getting used to the feeling of each other and that’s it, our relationships is flying up, up and up! 😆
I feel so blessed today at how great my Friday was, despite my complaints, they’re just areas of improvement for us! I hope everyone else had a beautiful Friday, good night 🙂 Amy, I won’t lie… I’ve spent the entire night fantasizing about bebe, LOL… such an awesome experience 😉
After many long conversations with friends and loved-ones yesterday, I’ve finally decided to take a new plan of action and start taking control of my life – or well, at least things that I can decide upon. Ever since high-school, I’ve had a fairly bad self-image physically of myself. Through a combination of poor diet, lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyle lead me to lose my boyish good-looks and fit body. Yes, that is right, I was a cross-country runner, track-and-field participant, sprinter, cyclist, tennis-player, basketball-player, volleyball-player the list could go on.. I was always out, never at home. So anyways, of course paired with puberty, I grew… both upwards AND sideways. I’ve told myself, that I will forbid my (future) kids from ever eating cafeteria food as that just compounded the problem. I wanted to “fit in” – not be the kid who always packed a lunch and that’s what screwed me today. Nevertheless, I went from being the guy that all the girls wanted to “hang out with after school” and “wanted to invite to the school dance” to the fat Asian kid. It was traumatizing.
Even currently, the shame and self-doubt sticks with me. I admittedly for the past years, been a person who lacked self-confidence, physically, about myself. Many older women have a thing for me, but not ones my age or younger. Ones who have their own children always want to set me up with their daughter(s). In fact, one of the ladies at work brought her 3 daughters into work when my dad was still alive and asked him to bring me in (before I worked there) so I could “get to know” her daughters. Unfortunately, all 3 of those girls were considerably older than me and things wouldn’t work out. Many of the “moms” see me as a great guy, but I see myself as this fat, ugly Asian guy. Over so many years, I’ve been used to rejection from girls because I just didn’t look good enough.
As of Saturday, October 16th 2010, I stand by myself that I need to re-evaluate my own perception. Given that so many people have such a positive view of me, both personality and those who do admire my manly and handsome look – I question myself how I can’t even get over myself. For the past while, my anguish of lack-of-self-confidence was deepened by my receding hairline and thinning hair. For the past year I’ve worried, had nightmares and cried over my changes in hair growth, a once lush-head full of hair. I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ll tell you why. The lack of self-confidence really damages me. Confidence has an aura of its own. Truth be told, I know a guy who weighs 60lbs more than me, is not even as fit as I am, is not particularly “attractive” and man, the girls he pulls in is amazing. I ask myself how.
How can a guy who doesn’t meet what most women would consider to be their “physical criteria” have such attraction? Don’t lie to yourself. The first time you saw your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other, the first thing you looked at was his/her body and face… don’t even bullshit about it. My friend, he’s a confident man. He acts like he’s good looking and it WORKS. His confidence in himself and his willingness to not see a girl being “out of his league” amazes me. I’m a bit self-aware… I date girls or will chase after girls who “match” with me. I won’t go for a girl who is too low or too high in social status. I won’t go for a girl who is too unpretty or too pretty. I won’t go for a girl who is in a career where it puts my career to shame. The list could go on, but I never try to “overextend” myself is what I’m trying to get at. I know what I have to offer and of course I’d look for a girl who isn’t miles ahead of me – because I’d be setting myself to be crushed.
For the past few months as my hair began to recede, I became not only sad, but annoyed. I think for 2 weeks, I couldn’t even bare looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I looked, I’d subconsciously glance at my hair too. It’s thinning – there’s no doubt. The last time I got a hair cut, my bangs were down past my eyes. This time, my bangs were only down to my eyebrows and wasn’t as thick as last time. I’m so fucking tired of it. I will say, I respect the fact bebe likes hair – most girls do. I understand that having hair makes you appear younger and physically attractive. However, my hair loss isn’t something I desire and it’s already hard enough as it is. For her to tell me she “really wants hair on me” hurts a lot – a whole fucking lot. That’d be like me telling her you need to shave your armpits (whether that’s true or not, I don’t know.. I never bothered looking, it was just an example). People grow hair, not grow hair or lose hair, regardless of where on their body because it’s their body-at-work, not a choice. I love my hair, I do and I wouldn’t want to be without it, but I also don’t want that being held against me. I love bebe for who she is, not because of “portions” of her.
Today, I am a brand new me and I’ve already seen the effects of it. Allowing myself to let my confidence show has made my day amazing. Last night, I decided I had enoguh with dealing with my hair and all the negativity surrounding the way I looked. Yesterday, I went to Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls and had a make-over. I stocked my closet with some new clothes, both casual and business-suitable attire. I can flip between a “young and trendy look” to a “smart, professional, clean look” by mixing and matching. Fashion helps change a person’s appearance immensely. I woke up in the morning looking at my mushroom-hair on my head and got my hair cut short. No, it’s not quite like a buzz-cut or even anything close to a “shave” – it’s just trimmed, short and SEXY. Yes, that’s right, I called myself sexy for the first time in ages because I FELT it. I left the hair stylist with new cut, the first time ever that I’ve let someone “take full control” on my head. She did a fantastic job. I got home to change as I was scheduled to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. I finally dared to look myself in the mirror today – the style fits my head so well – doesn’t make me look like I’m losing hair and fits my face. Shit, who’s that nice guy staring back at me in the mirror? I felt charged. It has been so long since I’ve stared at the mirror in self-confidence. I feel like a new me. Today – I am not ugly, I am an attractive young man, hoping to win the hearts of girls (ok well I lied, just girl 😛 bebe… lol).
Where does confidence come from? Not from others, but yourself. I haven’t smiled in quite a while as I walked around. Shit be told, the act of feeling confident is almost as good as looking like a model. When my friends and I hit the mall afterward, I seriously swear I strutted as I walked. I had so much confidence and assurance in myself that I didn’t feel shy or self-aware. When my friends and I were trying on some clothes, I talked to some of the girls who stood around waiting to change and even the salesgirl. I glowed, I really did. I didn’t feel as if I wasn’t “good enough” to speak to them, her and I were just the same -a human being, no judgments. There were maybe some exchanges of implied compliments and it was nice. It was nice not to feel ugly and whether I am or not – that wasn’t the point, my appearance and aura of self-confidence was enough to make a girl smile. I suddenly realized how my friend gets the girls… just not worrying about oneself is golden, because a girl can tell apart of a man with confidence from one who does not. As unattractive physically as a man with confidence may be, it’s not any better for an attractive man with no confidence.
I am truly happy today because after a very engaging talking with family and friends, I decided I need to change my approach to myself. I am a good guy, I’m a guy deserving of a sweet girl, I’m professional, I’m handsome, I’m intelligent and I’m interesting. I need to drop my “I’m not good enough”attitude because I actually am good enough. I’m a respectful human being and I should treat myself and others as such. I am not any “better” nor any “worse” than the next guy. I am born with a “normal” body, I have all 5-sense intact, I am healthy and I have a mind which can think and a heart which can love. I am in fact, luckier than many individuals on the face of the planet who have been unfortunately deprived of these things. I am a fortunate person and I should take advantage of the fact I am blessed with this. I need to learn to be satisfied, but at the same time, strive to do better. I am now full-out concentrated on improving my self-image, confidence and continue chasing after bebe. She’s no longer going to set me back by saying she wants a guy with hair, because I’m going to make a stand. She can’t just make it the center-of-attention in our relationship – I need to make it clear to her I care about her for who she is and she really needs to get over these physical things which we can’t control. One day, she will lose figure, her beautiful body won’t be there, her hair will turn white, but guess what? I WILL STILL, love her the same way I do now, if not only stronger. I guess some people saw me as being a bit weak, that I let too many things that bebe “wants” affecting me and hurting my self-image and confidence. Today I’m rising to say that despite what she “wants” or “desires” I’m going to display myself as an upstanding and handsome individual deserving of her love – because I will return the same to her.
I’m going to wake up tomorrow, refreshed, happy, satisfied and strong. It’s going to be a long week as I’m involved in an intensive 5-day course out in Mississauga. It’s 9 hours every day, just session time, and about 1 1/2 hours of driving each way (due to traffic). It has been almost 2 months since she’s left and there’s still 4 more to go. However, I will wait for her because my heart tells me she’s the right girl. There are some things and some people who are worth fighting and waiting for – and she’s one of them. They’ll be lots of competition and lots of courting to happen. I need to reassure her I am good enough for her and that she can feel secure with me. There’s probably a lot of doubt in her mind about whether we will truly get along in a relationship and what the course of her life is and whether she’s doing the right/wrong thing by committing herself to me. I need her to know that just because she may not date other guys or have been in relationships before, that doesn’t mean she’s “missed out” but rather, won the lottery on the first try and that she doesn’t have to go through the pains of a long-term relationship break-up! I want her to know I’m prepared to be a part of her family and friends and that I will represent “us” in good nature.
I stand strong. I cannot allow others to damage my confidence and belief in myself. I am a capable person. I need to allow my image to change and reflect the person who I really am. I need to accept and appreciate positive comments from others. I need to believe their words more than I believe mine. If a girl says I am good looking, I will smile, thank her, and believe in it – not doubt her or think that she’s saying it with an ulterior motive or sarcasm. When someone says “you are a nice guy” to me, I will think, “Hey ya, I’m a pretty nice guy.” I need to STOP with this lack of self-confidence. The only way to make others believe in me is to believe in myself first and foremost. To allow a girl to feel secure with me, I have to be secure of myself. To show I’m not a wussy and that I am a MAN, I do need to not allow bebe’s words harm my image of myself just because I don’t have a full-set of hair. I asked many of my married friends, what if today, your husband or wife changed in appearance, what would you do? All of them without a thought said it’d make no difference. This is what I want bebe to see… me, not of the outer shell, but the inner-heart. This is also what I see of her… not the outer shell, but the inner beauty. It’s unfair for me to compare to her to others because every person has their strengths and weaknesses, where they glow and where they fall short. I think any girl I’ve been with will have a very tough time matching the same physical beauty as my ex-ex “L”… she is the most physically attractive girl I’ve ever truly known (celebrities don’t count, I don’t “know” them). I used to use L as my standard for girls. Every girl henceforth needs to at least be as hot/cute as L, otherwise they’re not worth my time. Suffice to say, you cannot take one girl and compare it to another, it’s just not damn fair. Suffice to say, just because one day when bebe compares me to another husband/boyfriend of one of her friends who may be more attractive or has more hair than me, doesn’t make me any worse of a person! When people ask me what bebe look like, I tell them that she is an extremely beautiful woman because that’s what she is to me. I do not say, “Oh, compared to ____ she’s not as ____” There’s no need to compare and yes, the grass will always be greener on the other side. Be satisfied and you will achieve happiness.
Shit, I gotta get sleeping now so I can meet my coworkers at the car-pool. Blog updates might be a bit sketchy for the week. Will bid you all a good night 🙂 Confidence > ALL!
Looks like I might spend some extra time in the mirror tomorrow smiling and saying, “Ohhhhh ya, just like the old days – handsome me!”
I was just pondering my own thoughts today. I find myself often reflecting on my own personality and actions. To me, it’s a very important thing to do because I believe it helps build character in a person. Without understand yourself, how can you possibly expect to understand others? Today I went through my normal day, work and home. However, during those hours, I also did many things which helped make-up my day and I thought to myself how interesting it’d be for me to step back analyze myself.
I’ve concluded to myself that as much as I’m shy with girls – that’s only true with 2 types of girls. 1) The ones I don’t know at all and 2) the one I like. Please take due note that I said “one” not “ones” 😆 So where does it leave all the other ones? Well, the ones that I’m not shy with are girls who I do know, but have no interest in. I spend a lot of time talking to girls and one would think it’s only about periods – but that’s not true. Other than my ‘girls’ and god-sisters, I can be quite aggressive towards them. Now I guess everyone defines aggression a bit differently, but let’s just say that unlike treating a girl I like, I’m completely un-shy with them. Easiest way to think of this is the stuff I say to girls who I know is definitely not something I’d say to bebe… or at least not ’til she opens up to me and take the overly-flirtatious side of me, hah.
I can be quite flirty with girls, even when they’re completely without intentions. I guess it’s a bit easier, particularly with the girls at work only because they’re usually married and have many years on top of me, so relationship isn’t even a consideration or thought. Even the youngest girl in my building is 13 years older than me (but still young at heart, rawr) and is totally fun to hang out with and still capable of taking a joke or a platonic pass at. We kid back and forth and it’s fun, keeps us youthful, yet we know where to keep the line clear. There’s of course no infidelity involved whatsoever. Nevertheless, I suppose it helps keep things at work lighthearted because our jobs can be pretty boring and slow sometimes. Also, I think there’s something just fun about harmless flirting as long as both sides don’t go overboard or anything – and it’s not like I’m falling in love with her instead of bebe. Suffice to say, everyone has different views… some think harmless flirting is ok, and others do not. My stance is just to “keep it clean” (nothing that would damage a relationship) and everyone’s happy.
Oh right… back to my point – I’m much more confident at flirting and teasing girls who I’m not romantically interested in. I’m pretty shy with bebe in terms of how far I carry the flirting. I mean as traditional and shy as bebe is, don’t kid yourself, she can be quite the flirty one and has made me smile, grin and giggle like a little school boy in love for the first time before. She’s made my heart swoon and faint before at things she’s said and done. Nevertheless, perhaps it is also because I’m interested in her – I’m also cautious. Things that I’d dare say and discuss with other girls, I may not with her. It’s not a matter of hiding secrets, because there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell her, but it’s a matter of feeling more liberated when it’s other girls you AREN’T interested in.
Case in point, when one of the girls asked me to do something for her today as a favour (outside of my job duties), I said I would, but that it’d, “cost her”… and of course knowing the typical guy thinking, she was like, “Ok, do you want me to take off my shirt or pants? You only get to choose one” and I replied, “Hrm.. tough choice, I think I’d want both… how about I just…” and I proceeded to pretend (YES, just pretend) to motion unzipping my pants and said, “How about you close that door and make sure no one hears you” and we both laughed. Hell, we never think about taking things further – she has her husband and I have bebe, but it’s fun just to bring some laughter and light to our mundane jobs. Something like that, I would never, ever dare say to bebe, EVEN if she instigated it (probably to test my resistance, haha).
I talk to a couple of my Malaysian girl readers a lot… you’d figure out who they are if you followed my blog long enough to notice 2 who posted a lot before and less now – since we’re spending most of our chatting time over IM instead of here. Again, those two, we can discuss such wide variety of things, period included, but still, our topics wander afar and we share sometimes the most intimate things with each other. I guess there’s solace to sharing things with people who can’t “impact your life directly” – but I think I share it with them because I feel much more confident and comfortable flirting with girls who I don’t have feelings for or worry about their perception of me.
I do really care about how bebe thinks about me, as much as I say that “people should accept each other for who they are” – I certainly don’t deny changing for her or trying to “fit what she wants.” Obviously there are fundamental things I wouldn’t change about me, but I would say I’m not as flirty with bebe, not because I don’t want to be, but because I have to “watch my step” much more than with girls I don’t care (romantically) about. I can literally “flirt up a storm” because I can be (now don’t call me egoistic), quite charming, gentlemanly (when I need to be) and… even CONFIDENT – for every girl, except for the girl I love. For some reason, around a girl I like, sometimes I lack that confidence. I think by nature, women like confident men and that’s nothing unusual. However, I often have to stir up that confidence with bebe because I worry about how she perceives me and I’m careful of what I do/say. With other girls who I don’t have feelings for, I can tease them and get them riled up like no tomorrow. I’m confident, exuberant and cocky – because the worst that can happen is they stop talking to me 😛 But obviously with a girl I love and care about, I want to have a sure footing before trying to wander down a romantic path!
I think it’s easier for me to be “bad” (bad-naughty) to other girls than to bebe. Maybe it’s also bebe is a bit more resistant to advances and ‘dirty’ things, that I tread carefully when I’m pulling jokes that other girls would hold their stomachs laughing at. I will admit, maybe because I’m comparing my normal flirty self with bebe, it’s a bit different. Don’t read this as me blaming her for anything, she just requires a different approach than other girls I’ve been with. With all my other girls, they tend to enjoy dating a guy who is confident enough to be cocky, yet not overbearing, and one that can make their heart melt with the right words. I guess having enough girl-friends and god-sis’ I can usually come up with the right words to say just to make them turn a frown upside down. As easy as girls are to get angry, it’s also the same for making them smile and what guy would not want to see a girl happy anyways? The things that I’m so accustomed to doing to soften girls up don’t work on bebe (or as well) and I have to reconsider what things I can do and say. Some of the conversations I have with my girls I cannot even fathom discussing with bebe.
Bebe’s the only girl other than my own mother who I let touch my phone in unlocked mode and not watching every selection they touch – seriously. Whenever I let someone use my phone in any way, I’m hovering over them (and I have a right to, it’s MY phone) making sure they’re not going through my stuff or breaking it. To say that I have something to hide is not true, because she’s the only other person in this world I trust giving my phone to and not need to watch what she’s doing on it. I rarely wipe out my text messages, so if she really wanted to, she could’ve checked all 2 years of my communication on it with other girls and I would have nothing to hide. The things is, I suppose certain topics of conversation is much easier to discuss with someone else, because the repercussions is minimalized.
I suppose that’s my own analysis of myself… I’m less shy, more flirtatious and much higher self confidence and willing to take risks with girls I have no feelings for, than one who I love and care about. Of course as our relationship (hopefully, pray to God) progresses that I’ll be able to share the real sides of me with her as well and be able to openly talk to each other and know what is real, fake and all-in-good-nature without having to explicitly say so. It is in truth that bebe once pointed out that we often don’t “get” what we say to each other, perhaps because the way we were brought up and perceive things – what she says in a certain manner/tone may be different than how I perceive. We’ve gotten into arguments before over simple misunderstandings and as shaming as that may be, it’s how relationships grow and one person learns about another. I hope I can one day be confident enough to dare be openly flirty with her. Most of my flirts with her in the past has always been normal conversations with a flirting-undertone which I’m not sure if she senses or not, haha. I can be quite covert when I need to be 😛 Likewise, bebe’s pretty good with making me faint without even trying hard, HAH.
You know what they say about “innocent girls” anyways 😀
I believe flirting can be healthy as long as it doesn’t go too far. I do recall bebe telling me that she flirts/is flirted with by guys and it’s not that I don’t feel the jealousy, lol, but it’d be very contradicting of me to say she can’t do that when I enjoy it. As long as at the end of day, we know where our heart stands and who we’re coming home to – that’s all that matters. I mean in time, I do hope that I get my daily fix of flirting from her and I don’t even bother with other girls, because I’d much rather us make each other happy than another guy or girl! Sometimes just brush across the arm can be as effective as a long passionate kiss.
The day that I can feel confident in front of bebe… I’ll know we’re getting somewhere and that our relationship is only going to get better – forever.
Love is wonderful, ain’t it?
Oh… on another happy note – waiting for one of my girls’ period to start, YAY for good fortune!
What an awkward title eh? The reality is I do want to eat right now… eat the worst, possible food EVER. I want one of those cans of spam from the US that’s like 1000% of the daily cholesterol intake because I feel no willpower to carry on another day. This morning I woke up, fresh with energy as if it has been forever where I didn’t wake up feeling full. This has been one of the best naturopathic treatments I’ve had before – I woke up bright and early without the feeling of fatigue (although still lazily rolling around my bed, haha). After a happy day at work with so many compliments about my “new look” I felt confident as a person. Not only did the girls give compliments, even many of the guys at work (which they rarely ever do) said, “Hey, looking sharp today man!” – I was feeling perhaps on top of the world. I smiled when I looked at myself this morning, smiled like I haven’t since high school when I was still thin and looked good. I said to myself, “Well good morning Mr. Handsome!” and that’s when I noticed that my face was considerably thinner and my stomach was definitely smaller. It has been less than 2 weeks since I’ve started this treatment and although the intention is to help restore my body’s normal functions and help hair growth, it also acts as a slight weight-loss system since it helps flush the junk out of my body. Hrm… maybe I’m not so bad-looking after all…
You know they say, having too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I have this really bad habit of reading emails, twitter and facebook while “on the toilet” because hey, there’s nothing else to do right? LOL. I nearly shit myself when I got a message from bebe, because truth be told, I wasn’t looking forward to one because I doubt it’s going to be a “good thing” – yes, I received my official notice from bebe that once again, I am now without someone I care about and want to go through life with. Before I opened the message, I already knew it wasn’t going to be a happy moment and debated even looking at it. I didn’t want something that happened in the morning to stick with me for the rest of the day, but I did anyways. No, it wasn’t anything good and I don’t think I need to express the contents of the message to know what is going on here. Suffice to say, this has been the first time a girl has ever told me something like this over a FB message….
So much for my boost of self-confidence because I looked myself in the mirror again and asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” – “Am I really that ugly where a girl can’t even see past my minor flaws (by horribly unattractive eyes and less than amiable abs) into who I am?” When girls say the word, “feel” – what is feel? Feel is what you see and thus, how you feel. Is that it, does every imperfect man in this world need to remodel himself to suit a girl? Does every man need to be a resemblance of plastic and silicon to look like a girls favourite movie-star? Who is this person staring back at me in the mirror? It is I, the one proudly given birth to by my mother and father. It is they who put me on this world, a moment in their life I know they cherish forever, yet, I cannot even accept myself. I cannot accept the fact of so many failures that I stare back at myself and ask, “Do I want to betray the looks my parents so proudly gave me to appease a girl?”
Call me conceited, but I think the whole idea when girls use the word “feel” is just to cover-up something they don’t want to say. Maybe that’s just my personal opinion on that word, only because of the times I’ve had to decline being with a certain girl that I’ve had concrete reasons. I know many people use the idea of feel and chemistry, so I’m not doubting the validity of it, just that to me I always feel that’s just words to cover up realities. I jokingly asked Poh Ching the other day whether she’d like a guy like me. At first, she just said “no feel” but after throttling her a bit, she finally admitted it was because I don’t have the eyes, the abs and the muscular arms – so essentially, there’s physical attributes involved even though the word used to describe it was “feel”. We all love model figures – men and women – who doesn’t want their partner to have a perfect body? Who wouldn’t want our partners to look like our favourite movie star, but how many people in this world truly attain someone to that “perfection”?
I wanted to take a day off from work or perhaps just play hookie, but I know that if I were to stay home, I’d have even more thoughts and it’d be no healthier for me. Twice in front of the mirror over a mere 10 minutes and my self-image went from, “Damn I really can get the chicks!” to “My life sucks, I’m ugly like a piece of shit and why did I have to be born.” Call me a bit morbid and perhaps even nonsensical, but on my drive to work I couldn’t really pay attention. Luckily they’re the same roads I’ve been driving for the past year and while I was definitely paying attention to pedestrians and other cars, I can tell you the drive itself was more like a blur. Too many thoughts were in my head. I remember as traffic slowed and a tractor-trailer was in front of me, I had a split second thought of how liberating it could be just to continue driving full speed into it. Because of how low my car is and that most tractor trailers have a “clearing” underneath it, my head would instantly be ripped off and there’d be little pain. I certainly would not want to find myself still alive or one of those people in comas or “half alive” – I want it to be quick and painless. Losing your head sheered by metal moving at 100 kph seems to be a surefire way of dying. I still hit the brakes though, I just couldn’t find that willpower to do it and the rationale. Oddly enough, those people are are successful at killing themselves is a lot braver than you think to do that.
Here I am, sitting in my office typing this. I always try not to bring personal baggage to work, but how is that possible? How can a girl who you’ve accepted to being a part of your life tells you that she has no bloody fucking feel not have an effect on your day? Honestly, I can tell too when breakups are supposed to happen and when you know it’s impossible to carry forth. With my ex and with B&B, it was something visible I can place my finger and say, “These are the reasons we couldn’t be a great couple” – yet with bebe, I cannot find good reasons why we’re having these issues. As I said, with some girls, you can see a realistic future with and others, it is a figment of your own good-will. For bebe and I, I do see a realistic future for us, but hampered by our current situation. I know nothing I say will convince her, because she is stubborn like that – but so am I. I cannot stop her from giving up on me.
My mind is a mess right now and all I want to do is eat. I want to shove every forbidden food there is down my throat (and hopefully choke and die in the process). I’m not supposed to eat meat, eggs, diary and fish because that’s going to harm my liver and intestines while I’m doing my treatment? SO WHAT?!! I’m a worthless person. One less of me in this world isn’t going to change anything. What’s my health good for? For taking care of a girl who doesn’t give two shits about me anymore? For a girl who doesn’t want to have a future with me? Who doesn’t want to happily be the great mother she is for our children? God… I’m just not being rational right now. I see people outside right now and I just want to walk over there and punch them in the face. I have this anger and depression both pent up within me – I need to find a safe output for it.
I haven’t cried yet, only probably because the environment at work prevents me from doing so. Tonight when I get home, I have a feeling that’s all I’ll be doing. I’m scared though, scared because depression and anxiety was what actually killed my grandmother. My grandmother was extremely healthy, not a pain or sore in her body. When her sister died, she went into a period of great depression, crying daily and then eventually that depression manifested into what Chinese people called “Kidney Poison” and eventually everything in her body failed. I’m afraid that if I do the same thing, it’s just going to hurt me even more, as much as I sound like I want to die – I certainly don’t want it to be painful and long-lasting. I’m afraid of how this is going to affect me – how long, how deeply? I want to scream right now.
It’ll be hard to let her go and in fact, I may continue this hope that one day she will be ready. I do not believe things are an absolute end only because I know that there are couples who are together strong today, either dating or marriage, who are on their re-run. The first time you’re together, there is a lot of learning, a lot of determination and a lot of “feeling out”. Things for one reason or another don’t seem right, and things fall apart. The second time, they’ve learned to appreciate the many things in each other – perhaps feel in ways that they never once felt because of barriers. Perhaps there is a maturity level or perhaps just “life experiences” who change who we are, what we desire and how we feel over time. You can call me a dreamer, but I prefer to think that there’s always hope in life as long as those people are still alive, the hope is never gone. I told myself when I got to work, I wouldn’t want any reminders of her. I’d delete all her pictures of my phone so I wouldn’t have to look at her face and remind myself of what I lost. I’d remove all the picture frames I have of her… but I couldn’t. Just 10 minutes ago as I was typing this message, I got so angry I raised the frame and wanted to throw it against the wall. I broke down and cried like a little girl who lost her teddy. I couldn’t throw it, she means so much to me. As much as seeing her makes me angry, it also makes my heart go to mush all at the same time. Although now practically single once again and open to the world of women, I do not know whether I will fully give up on her.
I truly want to reply to what she wrote me, because something like that is while bittersweet in the end, the most thoughtful thing she’s ever put into writing for me. I know it has taken her a lot of strength and deliberation to write something like that. I just can’t reply right now because I’m at work and I know I’ll crack while writing it so I’d rather do it at home. My mind is muddled right now and I know my answers to her would not be rational. I’d much rather be in a stable state of mind before writing back to her – it is only fair.
These are all the things, if not more that I feel towards this right now… anyone who knows me well will know that blame and anger paired together makes for a very evil-me… one who will go to all extents to “repay” someone what they have done towards me, from the person who tries to steal my parking spot to the one who tries to pick a fight with me. No good deeds go unrewarded and no bad deed goes unpunished. And although I will not get a chance to tell her this any time soon in person, all those negative emotions and the feeling to want to hurt her back is overrided by a single reason.
Because I love her.
I always wanted this word to be something I used in front of her and never using it before that moment came whether in writing or by mouth, it looks like she’s not going to give me a chance for now. I will keep fighting for that chance. I am not going to try to be one of those people who pretend to be courageous and say that “because I love her, I’m going to let her go” because that’s a bigger lump of bullshit than I crapped out this morning. It is BECAUSE I love her that I want her to one day feel for me and feel the love from me and through those feelings, move her to return that love. It is not about forcing, it is about hoping for that moment to come whether it is something foreseeable or not… because let’s face it, there are mysteries of this world we cannot foresee. On that note, I think I’m going to have to visit Thailand to see whether 道師 can help me out here… blah. I wish my grandfather and uncle were still alive to help me with that… guess I can also rely on my cousin now that he’s learning it. They say you have to “sacrifice” something for that… and if I had the choice of losing 2 years off my lifespan just to be with her, I wouldn’t even think about it. What’s 2 years trade-off for a lifetime of happiness?
Blah – I want to eat.